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justimagineitblog · 4 years

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“You Used To Love Me” Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 12

A/N: here you go lovelies! Thank you so much for the support and love as always and I hope you guys enjoy this one.... don’t kill me and try to survive the bomb shells heheh ;)

love always xx

I glance over at the clock to find that it’s 5am as the sun begins to creep in through the gaps in my curtains, obnoxiously reminding me that I haven’t slept one wink. I have, however, played last nights events on a continuous loop and nearly given myself several panic attacks. That doesn’t leave much room for resting. And the impending dread of knowing that every minute that passes by is another minute closer to Charlie returning home and me having to look him in the eye also doesn’t really inspire one to sleep either.

I have grown all too familiar with the feeling of being cheated on. Of being abandoned. Lied to. Rejected. Of having your self esteem ripped from you and the rug pulled from under your feet. The questioning yourself. Your relationship. If it was ever real. I know it all. But the feeling of being the person who has done the cheating is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I don’t know if understanding this has me feeling sympathetic for Michael or hating him even more.

But how could I hate him? Now I am just like him. I am no better. And I am certainly in no position to. Michael may have kissed me, but I kissed him back.

Then the most dreaded thought that I have been trying to push down and keep at bay for hours on end finally creeps it’s way to the fore front of my mind. Loud and obnoxious and shrouding me in shame and disgust.

Maybe I feel so horrible because part of me know’s that I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it at all.

That thought alone makes my skin crawl at the thought that I am that kind of person that I cannot physically lay here anymore. Giving up completely I haul myself out of bed and storm to the kitchen to busy myself with a coffee. Not that I need it. I’ve got enough adrenaline and cortisol pumping through my body that I won’t need caffeine for a week.

My hands shake as I try to fix myself breakfast. I desperately want to wash away the taste of Michael on my lips, but I can’t get anything down. I’m far to wound up. I give up on trying to stomach anything when my mouth and throat are so dry from anxiety that I can barely swallow.

So I just pace my apartment instead. Changing my outfit twice, cleaning the same furniture over and over again. Re arranging the flowers in their vases. My skin clammy and cold. On my laps of my apartment I can’t stop myself from passing by the window every few minutes. Holding my breath every single time in dread that I will see Charlie’s car down there and I will have to face it. I can’t even go in the lounge room, let alone look at it. Every time I catch a glimpse, see it in peripheral vision I swear to god I can Michael and I there. It all comes flooding back. Every time I close my eyes, even so much as blinking brings it all back. Like it’s etched inside my eyelids and I can’t get away from it. I can’t even stand the way my clothes cling to my skin, hugging my hips and curves, the same way Michael did. I can even feel his hands up in my hair and on my face.

I must have actually been successful at distracting myself, cleaning my kitchen for what feels like the 5th time today. Because I don’t even hear Charlie’s car pull up in the street, I have no clue he’s home until I heard my apartment door unlocking and opening.

The sound makes me practically jump out of my skin and I can’t wipe the stunned ‘looks like I’ve just seen a ghost’ look of my face as he walks in, brief cases in hand and beaming smile. I physically feel the blood drain from my face.

“Surprise!” He holds his arms out, grinning at me as he drops his bags and walked over to me.

“You’re back early” is all I manage to get out as he pulls me into his embrace.

“Don’t sound too excited” he chuckles, picking up on my complete lack of enthusiasm. I can’t blame him, I’m not doing the best job at hiding it.

“Sorry I just-“ I fumble for the right words “I guess I’m still just in shock from yesterday”

“Right, the deal” he begins, nodding “I thought so. That’s why I came back early”

Yeah… the deal… To be honest that was the last thing on my mind. I think I was referring to the shock from almost being killed and Michael kissing me. Let alone the fact that Charlie wants me to move three hours away with him onto the list.

“I was thinking about it and I realised I kind of sprung that on you” he bites his lip sheepishly “ I know I freaked you out on the phone, I mean moving three hours away is a big ask and I know we’ve only been together for a month Izzy but-“

I swallow hard. If only that was all I was worried about. Worrying about moving three hours away. That would have been so goddamn simple. Suddenly feeling faint I try to step back from him, reaching out for the kitchen counter to steady myself.

“Hey, hey” he runs his hands up my arms before they finally land on my face, holding me gently “I’m sorry, you don’t have to pack right now, we have time to talk about this”

He continues talking, but as I stare up at him it all drowns out into the background. All I can see and all I can feel is Michael. It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. But even Charlie’s hands on my face take me back to last night. His face so close to mine. His breath on my face. As each moment passes my skin crawls, hot and prickling like needles poking at me all over. I can feel myself trying to smile and nod at him, but I just can’t. The memories of last night race across my mind as my heart pounds in my chest. I can feel my chest rising and falling faster and faster until I’m all but hyperventilating.

I can’t take this. I can’t do it. I just want to scream.

“I can’t do this” I blurt out in a harsh exhale as I finally break. Finally snapping. I can’t take this anymore. I take his hands in mine and pull them away from my face as I tear myself from him, backing away to the other side of the kitchen.

He stares at me, wide and in shock as I run my hands through my hair, trying to steady my heart rate.

This is it. I can’t hide from this anymore.

“Izzy” he breathes “What’s going on?”

The way he stares at me breaks my heart. He looks completely lost. Like he’s staring at a person he doesn’t know anymore. Like he doesn’t know who this girl is. And to be honest, I don’t even know who I am right now either. But just as quickly as that look falls over of his face, it’s gone again. Replaced by another look. One of… calm. Understanding. Like he know’s something about me that even I don’t know.

“There’s someone else in your heart”

As the words leave his mouth they cut me deep, gutting me so heavily they almost leave me winded. Then I realise he’s not asking me. No. He’s… telling me. As if he already knew. Not even sure of what I’m going to say I open my mouth, ready to launch into anything and everything I could possibly say to explain myself.

“I’m so sorry” is the only thing I can manage to get out past the growing lump in my throat. I think my apology is enough confirmation for his suspicions.

“I think I’ve known the whole time… I just didn’t want it to be real”

Known what the whole time? My mind races. I’ve never mentioned Michael once. He’s never even met him.

“The man from the ball, with the American wife… who is he?”

I sigh. He knew from the first night I met him. He knew that I was always hung up on Michael. And it hurts. It’s hurts because he’s right. That Charlie could see it before I could. I fell in love with Michael on the day I met him 5 years ago. And I have loved him every day since then. Through it all. Through the distance. The cheating. Through everything.

How was I ever so foolish to try and think that I could move on with someone else. Trying to fix myself with someone else. Trying to fill the void. Shouldn’t I have known that I would only be hurting us both.

The only way I can even come close to doing the right thing is explaining it all. From the beginning. Giving him the explanation and closure he is owed. It won’t take anything back. Or fix anything. But he deserves to know. From day one up until right here in this kitchen. I owe him that much.

“You don’t owe me anything, you can leave right now” I begin, my lip trembling as I push out the words “But if you just give me a moment to explain. You deserve that much”

He stares at me for a moment. I expect him to be angry. To scream. Yell. Tell me hates me. But he doesn’t. He stays quiet as he digests it all. Nodding slowly, he goes over to the lounge and takes a seat. I follow him wearily, lowering myself onto the lounge next to him.

I close my eyes, taking a deep shaky breath before I jump into my history. I give up trying to hold back. Now is not the time for holding back.

He watches me closely, examining and reading every micro expression on my face.

“His name is Michael” I breathe “We were together for four years, it would have been 5 years yesterday”

“Four years” he echoes, the enormity of it all dawning on him. Four years is a long time. Long enough for someone to have stained every part of you. For them to have worked their way into every part of you. That takes a lot of time to unravel. To unravel that person from you, and he knows it.

“He um, he was sent to America last year to head the Shelby Company over there. He didn’t know when he would be able to come back home and well, I guess things changed when he was over there. Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder but, I guess not in his case” I shake my head before continuing “He cut off all communication. With me, with the family. We had no clue why. And every day I waited. Every day for 6 months. I waited to hear from him. For a letter. A call. Anything. It felt like I held my breath for 6 months, praying he would come home and explain everything away. Apologise. And everything would be okay”

“But he did come back?” He asks, furrowing his brows.

“Yes he did. He showed up out of the blue. None of us had any idea he was coming home. When I saw him at the train station that day, it was the best moment of my life until it very quickly became the worst. Because he had returned, but he wasn’t alone. He had a wife. Gina”

“Jesus…” Charlie exclaims softly as he puts two and two together “That’s the American woman from the ball”

I nod, confirming his statement.

“What happened? I mean, how does that happen?” He stutters, unable to comprehend how someone could do that to another person.

“I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that for the past two months. He just went… cold. He looked at me like we were never in love. Like he barely even knew me. And I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. How to get him out of my goddamn head. But I- ”

“But you never stopped loving him” He interrupts me with a sad but genuine smile.

I look over at him. I shake my head slowly. By now my eyes have succumbed to welling with tears. He is right. I never stopped. I never have.

“I didn’t sleep with him” I breathe, struggling to even suggest such a thing “Yesterday there was an altercation at the office. There was a man, he had a gun, things got heated. Michael was there, all the Shelby’s were. He had the gun to my head and-“

“What?” Charlie’s eyes shoot wide open as panic is slapped across his face.

“It’s okay, I’m okay” I calm him “But I was shaken up. The doctor said I shouldn’t be alone and Michael stayed to keep an eye on me. He insisted. He wouldn’t take me out of his eye sight for even a second. Something changed. In the office, when the man had the gun to my head. Something changed between Michael and I. Like he’s had this cold exterior but he couldn’t keep it up any longer. He kissed me and…”

I shut my eyes as the words leave my mouth. I can’t even look at him. I know by now that he won’t yell. He won’t get angry. That’s not Charlie’s way. But that doesn’t make the guilt and shame feel any less. In fact, I think it makes it worse. Because I know I don’t deserve the kindness.

“Because he still loves you Izzy” Charlie blurts out “Did you ever think maybe the reason he pushed you away wasn’t because he hates you. The exact opposite, actually”

I shoot my eyes open, looking over at him in disbelief.

“Izzy” he begins “That stuff, all those years, that doesn’t just go away. And I should have known it. That night at the ball I saw you at the table. I saw how you looked at Michael. I should have known that feelings like that don’t go away”

“Listen to me” I shake my head at him “Don’t you doubt for one second, how I feel about you. Because I don’t. You are one of the best people I have ever met. But I am a fool. Because my heart isn’t ready, I am not ready. I am not okay. And I was stupid for trying to fix myself by getting into a relationship with you. I have only hurt you. But don’t you ever question what I felt for you, please. I want to tell you to stay. I want to move away with you. I want to love you. But I just-”

“You can’t force your heart to feel what it doesn’t” He nods, giving me a small smile “I would be the fool if I tried to get in the way of you and Michael. My feelings for you grew faster than I ever expected them to. I just want you to be happy Izzy, I can’t stand in the way of that”

Unable to hold it in anymore, sobs begin tumbling their way out of my mouth. Charlie embraces me immediately.

“Izzy look at me” He holds my face, brushing my wet cheeks with his thumbs “It’s okay”

“What are you going to do?” I cry, heart breaking at the thought that he had factored me into his life and now he has to remove me again.

“I don’t know” he shakes his head “I’m gonna take that deal I guess”

“Oh my god the deal!” I exclaim, remembering that I haven’t even congratulated him yet “I told you you were gonna be great” I chuckle through sniffles and he returns a grin.

“Yes you did” he nods, chuckling.

“I’m so proud of you” I smile, placing a gentle hand on his face “You’re gonna be amazing up there”

“You think so?”

“I know so”

“Will you promise me something?” He bites his lip “We can still be friends? If you’re ever coming up that way, visit me?”

“I promise” I nod my head without even a moments hesitation “You’re not getting rid of me that easily”

We stare at one another for a moment in a mutual understanding. Maybe we haven’t found a love in each other. We haven’t found a soulmate. A forever. But we have found a friend. And I will love this man for the rest of my life. I will be grateful for him forever.

“I should go” he looks down, before we both get up off the couch and take our final march to the door. With his brief cases in hand, we stand in the door way in silence. We know this is done. We know this is over. But dragging it out feels so much easier.

“Goodbye Izzy” he breathes, and I rush forward, hugging him so tightly it shoots pain all up through my bruising back. But I don’t care. He hugs me back just as tightly.

“I’ll speak to you soon, I wanna know how you go up there, out in the big world” I grin, fighting back tears.

“I can’t wait” he smiles down at me.

And with that, with one more long, final hug, he leaves.

After he’s gone, I stand in the door way for a while. Just thinking. Digesting. I stand there as I hear his car door close and hear the wheels turn on the gravel, as he drives out of my street.

Charlie changed me for the better. He came along into my life when I expected it least but needed it most. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live with myself for doing this to him. But I know I couldn’t live the rest of my life looking at him and seeing Michael. Kissing him and tasting Michael. He doesn’t deserve it. Charlie gives his all. And he deserves someone who can give their all back. I will always love him in some way, but not in the way he needs. Maybe now without me, he has a chance at finding that. I hope next time I see him he as met a beautiful woman. Maybe they’re engaged. Married even. With a son on the way. The thought warms my heart. Maybe the kindest thing I could do to Charlie was to let him go. And let him find that life. Whatever happens between Michael and I, at least I know Charlie is going to be okay.

Or at least that’s what I try to tell myself. To feel better about it all. To feel better about the fact that I just let an amazing man walk out of my life all for someone who I just cannot get over. All on a whim. On one kiss. But Charlie seem’s to think that Michael and I are worth betting on. Some how, everyone around us seems to be able to figure out whats going on except the two people involved - Michael and I. Everyone seems to have us figured out except ourselves.

I think about Charlie all night until I manage to fall asleep just past midnight, pure exhaustion sending me into a deep sleep.

THE NEXT DAY

The goddamn mail. I could have avoided the Shelby house for another few days at least to pull myself together and figure out what I’m going to say to Michael for the first time since our kiss. But no. Because today the mail needs to be posted otherwise important correspondences won’t find their way into the clutches of some very important business partners in enough time.

I basically run to the Shelby house, every single thought is just praying that no one will be there. It’s a Saturday after all. I just need to get the mail from the desk and leave. I’ll be in there at 5 minutes tops.

When I slink into the house, desperately trying not to make a noise, the whole place is silent. On the floor boards creak lightly as I prance over to the stacks of mail that I have let pile up through my own procrastination and avoidance.

See when Charlie left, I didn’t have a plan. I wasn’t going to storm into Michael’s house and profess my undying love. To be honest, I don’t know if I have anything to say at all. So my plan became what it has been since the day Michael returned - avoid him like my life depends on it. And I hate myself for that. For the fact that putting Charlie through all that pain, that the kiss, that every moment of tension and build up of anticipation with Michael could all have been for nothing because I’m to scared to find out. So that means letting the mail pile up to un godly height that will probably cost a fortune to ship all at once… then so be it.

With the sizeable stack of letters in my clutch, I turn on my heels and sneak back to the door before the faintest sound catches my attention. My hand is on the door handle, and I’m almost out of the house but the noise gets louder. I furrow my brows as I try to decipher what the noise is. As it gets louder, I realise it sounds like rustling. Like someone frantically sorting through something.

I swear to god if this is nothing I’m going to kick myself. But I just can’t leave. I don’t know who is in here with me. I all but roll my eyes in irritation as I turn on my feels and head for the sound. The thought crosses my mind that it could be robber. Someone trying to rip off the Shelby family. But I don’t know who on earth would try that. This place is like Fort Knox. Only people who have keys - and that is a very small group of people - can get in here. You couldn’t break in to this place without making a hell of a lot of noise.

As I follow the noise through the house, I realise that I’m being led straight for the kitchen. But my suspicions don’t go un answered for very long, when I round the corner and step into the kitchen doorway to find Gina, frantically searching through the draws and cabinets. No sooner do my eyes fall over her, they quickly flicker to the countless medication bottles sprawled out all over the kitchen bench.

What the hell is she doing with all this medication?

“What are you doing?” I blurt out, confused and concerned as Gina searches desperately.

“Fuck!” Gina curses in shock as she gets busted, then rolls her eyes when she realises that it’s me “Of course you’re here”

“Yeah don’t worry, the feelings mutual” I mutter, before she turning my attention back to the mediations everywhere “You didn’t answer my question”

“What are you doing?” Gina spits back, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

I hold up the letters I was looking for to send in the mail, raising my brows. She sighs, hoping that she would be able to change the topic onto what I was doing.

“Your turn” I say.

I watch her suspiciously. I normally wouldn’t bother. But she looks like a mess, and catching someone rummaging through bottles of medication frantically alone in a house isn’t exactly an innocent act.

She opens her mouth to speak, when suddenly a panicked look falls over her face. She blinks rapidly, before covering her mouth with one hand and clutching at her stomach with the other.

I furrow my brows, looking her up and down “Gina?” I say, growing more concerned and confused as the seconds pass.

Suddenly, she takes off from the kitchen. Stunned, I begin to run after her. Down the hall ways I follow the sound of her heavy footsteps through the until I finally reach the bathroom. I stop abruptly in the door way to find her bent over the toilet, throwing up violently. I rush forwards to hold her hair out of the way, but she swats me away.

“Get off me!” She strains, before being sick again.

I stand back, everything coming together in my mind as she sits draped over the toilet, catching her breath.

“Gina…” I say quietly “You’re pregnant”

I know I’m right with the grave look she gives me when she pulls herself away from the toilet. She sits with her back against the bathroom wall, staring straight ahead.

“Congratulations, you figured it out” she says sarcastically.

“Gina, I-“ I shake my head, not knowing what to say “How long have you been sick for?”

“Why the fuck do you care?” She hisses, shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

“Trust me, I don’t. But if you’ve been this sick for a while you might be dehydrated, you need fluids” I tell her matter of factly.

“It hasn’t been this bad before. I’ve been sick every morning this week”

“And Michael hasn’t taken you to the hospital?!” I exclaim, baffled by how nonchalant she’s acting. Why wouldn’t Michael be more concerned? He’s seen Esme pregnant, Lizzie, Ada. He should know that this isn’t normal.

When the words leave my mouth she doesn’t say anything. She just keeps staring straight ahead, her eyes tired and dark.

“How far along are you?” I press her with another question.

“12 weeks, doctor” she replies dryly.

I continue to watch her, unable to figure out why she is acting so… off. So strange. Gina would love to rub this in my face. That Michael is having his first child with her and not with me. And Polly, Polly knows everything. If Michael is trying to hide it, she would still know. She could get a secret out of Michael in a second. My mind continues to run rampant with questions.

“Gina… Who knows about this?”

And again, she looks up at me with that dark, grave look on her face.

It’s not Michael keeping the secret. It’s Gina.

“He doesn’t know” I breathe and she nods her head slowly.

“Ding Ding” she scoffs.

I kneel in front of her, but she just stares straight ahead, emotionlessly.

“So I suppose you’re going to tell everyone then” she says, shaking her head slowly “Run to Michael and tell him that I’m pregnant. Then Tommy and Polly. And they will want me to get an abortion, no doubt”

I shake my head in utter confusion. She seriously thinks Polly and Tommy would force her to lose the baby?

“They’re not going to make you get an abortion, Gina. This is Michael’s child you’re carrying. I know you and Polly have your differences, but she’s a woman, a mother, too. And this is her grandchild”

She laughs tiredly, sighing afterwards. Then, her eyes meet mine. “Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought” She insults me “Why is that you think I’m 10 weeks and haven’t told Michael, huh?”

I reel back from her. Tracking the weeks back. 10 weeks. That would have been right before they left for Birmingham. I look at her, shaking my head. I don’t get her point.

“So you fell pregnant before you were married and convinced him to marry you on the ship so that you wouldn’t be having a baby out of wedlock… So why doesn’t Michael know, Gina?”

She shakes her head at me, at my confusion, before leaning forward slightly “I never said this is Michael’s baby”

My eyes widen, locked on hers. She sits back against the bathroom wall, keeping the eye contact with me.

“So there, aren’t you happy Izzy. The second they find out, I’m done for. And you and Michael can go back to being soulmates” she says mockingly.

I shake my head.

“Gina, what happened?” I ask softly. I thought part of me would want to see Gina go down in flames, and take Michael with her. But with her sitting here in front of me, revealing her darkest secret I feel… bad for her.

She looks away from me for a moment, and I can see her battling internally. When he continues to explain, I guess she realises that she has nothing to lose anymore.

“It was before we left for Birmingham. My ex got word that I was leaving, so he came and visited. I was emotional. I was scared of moving across the world. We had drinks. I don’t think I need to say what goes next…”

When I don’t respond, mostly out of shock, she continues with irritation.

“Jesus you’re persistent,” she rolls her eyes “Right towards the end of the trip I felt… off… more than usual sea sickness. I started to panic. I found a doctor on board. He told me I was pregnant. So I convinced Michael to marry me. On the ship. I was going to tell him that I was pregnant. Pretend it was his. But Michael is smart. He would know it wasn’t his”

My mouth parts and my brows furrow.

How would Michael know it isn’t his baby?

“What does that even mean Gina?”

“Do I really have to sound it out for you?” She hisses with a roll of her eyes “Don’t act stupid Izzy. Michael would know it’s not his baby because Michael hasn’t touched me since we got here. His eyes have been else where…”

She looks me up and down. Me? She’s referring to me?

“He loves you. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. He doesn’t want a bar of me. He hasn’t even noticed me starting to show…” as all of these words spill out of her mouth she looks sad. I don’t think I’ve never seen her sad. But it is quickly whisked away and covered up when she makes another smart ass remark.

“But I guess it’s alright isn’t it. Because I’m carrying another mans baby. No harm no foul, right?”

Suddenly someone comes in the front door downstairs. Our eyes both widen. As the footsteps come up the stairs I quickly rush to close us in the bathroom door. We wait quietly. The footsteps come down the hall and stop outside the door with a knock on the wood. Gina looks up at me desperately.

“Girls business!” I call to the person on the other side of the door.

“Well last time I checked I had tits” Polly’s voice says from the other side of the door. Suddenly the door opens to reveal us both looking nervously back at Polly.

“Well what the fuck is going on in here?” She asks, looking over me and Gina. You wouldn’t catch us in a room together if you tried. Let alone together voluntarily in the bathroom.

I glance at Gina whose staring at the floor, accepting defeat. But I don’t want it to happen this way. I don’t want Michael to have to find out this way. Through Polly. I can’t believe I’m doing it, but I begin to lie.

“Gina got sick… something she ate last night… I came in while she was sick and got her some tablets for the nausea-“

“Shut up Izzy” Gina’s voice says suddenly.

I look back at her with my eyes wide open. What is she about to do. I can protect her, give her more time to tell Michael herself, but not if she gives herself away. Polly looks at me suspiciously, and I know she’s wondering why would I be covering for Gina, of all people.

“I’m sick because I have morning sickness” She says pointedly at Polly “I’m pregnant, Polly”

Polly’s eyebrows raise, looking from between Gina and eye for more answers.

“Izzy came in while I was trying to find medication, then I started getting sick again, as you can see” she gestures to herself and the toilet.

I watch Polly carefully as she thinks.

“Well,” she begins, taking a deep breath “Congratulations… How far along are you?”

“12 weeks”

“12 weeks” Polly echoes, nodding “How long have you been sick for?”

“All week”

“Jesus,” Polly hisses “You need to get to a hospital Gina”

“I’ve been told” she looks over at me.

“I’ll call Michael. He should have known better than to leave you knowing how sick you are”

“Don’t call him” Gina shakes her head frantically

“And why not?” Polly presses

Polly looks at me, and I look back nervously.

What the hell is Gina about to say.

“Because it’s probably not the best way for him to find out”

“He doesn’t know?” Polly says slowly, trying very, very hard not to lose her cool.

I glare at Gina. Surely she isn’t about to tell Polly that this child isn’t Michael’s right here, right now in the goddamn bathroom.

She shakes her head “No, and I would appreciate if you let me tell him, please”

I all but release a giant sigh, trying to hide my obvious relief. That would have been catastrophic.

Polly nods slowly, but still looks confused. Suspicious. She always knows when something isn’t adding up. She looks over at me, but I can’t look at her. She will know I’m hiding something the second she see’s my eyes.

She watches us both for a few seconds, before speaking.

“I’m calling Michael. You can have your moment with him and tell him when he gets here. Then you need to go to the hospital”

There’s silence for a moment, before another voice fills the room.

“Tell me what?”

All of our heads turn suddenly to see Michael standing in the hallway.

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xxblackballoonxx · 2 years

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The Heart Underneath: 1914 Part 3

***This fic is being posted simultaneously on FanFiction.net and Ao3. I originally began it in 2016, and then life was life, and now I’m bringing it back because it deserves to be finished! I intended this story to be canon, but I cannot accept the events of the beginning of Season 4, so I’ll write it with the ending that I intended. Rating M as of Chapter 10 ***

Get a drink, get some tissues. Listen to "Never Let Me Go" by Florence + Machine and "I Have Loved You Wrong" by the The Swell Season, starting 3:30 for the final part. This broke me.

Chapter 12: 1914 Part 1 Chapter 13: 1914 Part 2

Chapter 15: J&M Letters 1 Full story here

The Heart Underneath

Chapter 14: 1914 Part 3 (18 and 19)

Martha and John stretched out their final day at the cottage as much possible, spending most of the morning wrapped up in bed together. John held Martha close to him, his arm around her waist, hand on her stomach.

“Do you think you’re pregnant yet?” John asked.

“I feel different. It’s hard to explain, but I feel different enough that I do think I am.” Martha replied, putting her hand on top of John’s and holding it to her skin closely.

John could feel his heart break a little bit at the thought of leaving her behind, carrying his child, with him not around. He took a shaky breath, placing his lips to her shoulder. Martha could sense his sadness.

“I’ll be alright, John. I know it’s not how we imagined it, but I’ll write and tell you about it, and we’ll pick out a name together. You just focus on staying safe and coming back to us.” Martha said as she linked their fingers together.

John nodded into her neck, trying to focus on the moment in front of him and nothing else.

“I’ll talk to Polly when we get back, yeah? But I’m pretty positive about it.”

Martha turned herself towards John, unshed tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over. She placed a hand on his cheek and he closed his eyes, tears dripping down as she wiped them away.

“Focus on me. Right here, this bed, this cottage. You’re not gone yet, love. Stay with me.” Martha whispered.

John nodded again, but couldn’t stop his shoulders from shaking as Martha wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly. Martha understood his need to break down, the gravity of what was to come, all the more so with her being pregnant now.

“You did a good job, Johnny, knocking me up before the wedding. It’s a sure thing.” Martha joked and John laughed in spite of himself.

He pulled back a little and allowed Martha to gently wipe away his tears again. She had always been so perceptive and so caring, he knew she would be a great mother.

“We waited until the time was right, which I know wasn’t easy sometimes, especially for you. This may not be the time we would’ve chosen, but it’s the time the world chose for us. I’m going to focus on the baby and supporting you, and you’re going to focus on taking care of yourself, yeah?”

John nodded once more and let himself sink back into her arms, head on her chest. He took her left hand in his, and kissed where her wedding ring met her skin. He had to remember it all, if he was going to survive.

It was mid-afternoon when they finally started packing up their belongings. Martha carefully folded her birthday, and now, wedding dress between the sheets, and then into the quilt. She ran a hand over the side table, thinking about the nights they had spent there, and how she would never forget a single moment.

“I don’t want to leave either.” John said as he walked up behind her and held her to him.

“I guess it’s time to go back to the noise. And the smoke. And the dirt.” Martha joked.

John placed his hands on her stomach and slowly rocked back and forth, burying his face in her hair. Martha noticed that he was holding her differently since their morning conversation, somehow even more intimately. Even more protectively. She had long sensed this part of him would exist, but it made her realize that even as deeply intertwined as they were, having John’s child would bring that to another level.

They allowed themselves a few more minutes of quiet bliss and then locked up the cottage. John helped Martha up into the wagon, and she stared longingly at the green door as he went around to the other side. Someday.

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The couple arrived back at Watery Lane just before supper, and were greeted by hugs from the entire Shelby clan. Tommy and Arthur had spent the day preparing the supplies they would need, and the plan was for the three of them to enlist the following day. The family sat around the table for supper, and Polly immediately noticed the slight change between Martha and John. She bit back a smile and decided to talk to Martha in the morning.

“You all missed a right good party, John boy.” Arthur commented halfway through dinner, as he finished his tale about what the rest of Small Heath had been doing on the wedding night.

“I don’t know Arthur, I think my night was far, far better than yours.” John responded, making Martha choke as she tried not to laugh.

“I think you had more than a better night. Seems like it was all day and all night.” Ada said, earning a light smack from Polly.

“What?! Am I wrong?!” She protested.

John put his arm around Martha’s shoulders and kissed her cheek, which was all the answer they needed. Martha buried her bright red face in John’s shoulder as Tommy patted John on the shoulder, and Ada laughed.

“We all know what happens after a wedding, but we’ve got little ears in this room.” Polly said calmly, trying not to laugh herself.

“What happens after a wedding?” Finn piped up, watching with confusion.

“Um, well you know, you eat too much and have too many sweets and you feel sick, but you had fun.” John tried to explain, his own face flushed.

“I ate so many sweets after your wedding that I threw up.” Finn said proudly, which brought a fresh round of laughter to the table.

“Finny you did not!” Martha exclaimed.

“I did, too. Ask Aunt Polly!”

“It’s true. He had a belly ache all the next day from it. That’s what happens when you have too much fun, Finn.” Polly said, watching Finn pout in his chair.

A few hours after supper, Finn asked both John and Martha to tuck him into bed. It had been John’s longtime routine with his little brother, and clearly Finn had missed them both.

“Tommy and Arthur are going away soon. They said you are going, too. I don’t want you to.” Finn said sadly as he hugged John, who sat on the edge of the bed.

“I know, little brother. But this something we men have to do, it’s our duty to go. I don’t want to leave, but I have to. You’ll be here with Aunt Poll, and Ada, and Martha. They’ll look after ya. You have to be a brave boy, ok?” John replied, catching Martha wipe tears from her eyes.

Finn nodded and let John pull the blankets up around him. On impulse, John leaned forward to whisper in his ear.

“Can you take care of Martha for me? She’s going to be sad without me, too.”

Finn nodded again, and John turn the lamp down, taking Martha’s hand as they left the room and closed the door.

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The three eldest Shelbys met early the following morning with some others from the neighborhood, and stoically made their way to the recruiting offices. Martha kissed John goodbye at the front door and then walked into the kitchen, where Polly was waiting for her.

“How far along do you think you are?” Polly asked quietly, pouring Martha a cup of tea.

“A couple of weeks? The night John proposed … we decided to try. I can’t lose all of him, Polly.” Martha responded as her eyes watered.

“I know, it’s alright. You two are married now anyway, whatever happens, we will find a way through it. Stand here for a moment, let me see you.” Polly replied.

Polly moved her hands over Martha’s mid section, and then slowly up to her face. She smiled.

“It’s early, but you are. I’m happy for you, dear girl, even though the circumstances aren’t happy at all.” Polly hugged Martha tightly, letting her cry for a few minutes in her arms.

Ada walked in and caught Martha’s eye over Polly’s shoulder. Martha held out her arm, and the three huddled together, letting themselves feel the dread that was coming so quickly.

“I’m pregnant, Ada.” Martha whispered.

Ada smiled through her tears and hugged her best friend.

“Congratulations. We’ll get through this together, yeah?” Ada whispered and Martha nodded.

The three sat down at the kitchen table and drink their tea in near silence. Polly’s thoughts were on her nephews, Ada’s on her brothers and her secret crush Freddie Thorne, and Martha could only think about John.

It was late afternoon when the boys returned, faces grim. John beelined for the kitchen and smiled sadly at Martha, who was sitting at the table, sewing.

“Come for a walk with me, darlin’?” John asked quietly and Martha took a deep breath before getting up.

John held her close as they walked through the streets, waving here and there to a few well wishers. His heart was pounding and he wanted nothing more than to run back to the cottage with the green door, and stay there forever with Martha.

“It’s done.” John finally said, feeling Martha tighten her grip around his waist.

“When?” She asked, voice shaky.

“Week from today, all of us.” He breathed out, afraid to speak the words.

Martha cried silently as they headed towards the abandoned house. John sat on the steps and pulled her onto his lap. She sobbed into his shoulder, and John’s own tears mixed with hers. There were still some dried flowers on the stoop from their wedding the week before.

“I don’t know how to let you go.” Martha whispered once she caught her breath again.

“You’ll be with me every step. And I’ll be with both of you.” John whispered back, putting his hand against her middle.

“Talked to Polly this morning, I already know it’s true, but she confirmed it.” Martha said, trying to smile.

John nodded and used his handkerchief to dry her face. They sat for a long time on the stoop, eyes locked, one of their silent conversations. Heartbroken grey blue with heartbroken bright green.

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The day before the Shelby brothers went to war, the Shelby women fretted for hours over their uniforms, supplies, and last minute needs. John walked Martha to the grocer, and Mrs. Averill’s heart broke as they entered the store. She slid three small packages over the counter before coming out from behind.

“Some bits and bobs for you and your brothers, John. Sewing kit, paper, envelopes, other little things you might need. You write if you need anything else, you hear?” Mrs. Averill said, tears in her eyes.

“I will, thank you. For everything, really.” John replied as Mrs. Averill hugged him.

She touched Martha’s cheek and tried to smile.

“We women will stick together, don’t you worry.”

It wasn’t until the door fully closed, a somber Martha and grim John stepping out into the street, that Mrs. Averill turned and sobbed. For all the boys of Small Heath, but mostly for John and Martha Shelby.

Supper was a quiet affair, even Finn recognizing the magnitude of what was coming. John kept his hand on Martha’s knee the entire meal, forcing himself to eat for strength, even though he really just felt like vomiting. Martha and Ada’s eyes met across the table, trying to find strength in each other.

Polly cleared the table as Tommy and Arthur stood up, pulling on their caps.

“John, we’re heading to The Garrison, did you want to come?” Arthur asked, knowing what the answer would be.

“No, thanks. I’m going to stay here with Martha.” John replied, holding Martha against his side.

Tommy and Arthur smiled in understanding. Tommy looking at Martha, and then the back door, slightly tilting his head. She nodded. Ada’s shoulders shook as she cried silently into her napkin. Finn clung to John’s leg, and Polly could barely look at them.

“Finny, can John put you to bed so him and I can have some time together?” Martha asked, her throat seemingly choking on tears she pushed back down.

Finn nodded quietly and John picked him up, heading towards the stairs. Ada and Polly sat at the table, each lost in their own thoughts. Tommy and Arthur motioned for Martha to follow them outside to the back yard. They made sure the door was firmly closed before turning to face her.

“Martha, Tommy and I have made a pact. About John.” Arthur said.

“He’s told us, that you’re trying to start a family.” Tommy continued, trying to stay calm.

“I’m pregnant. Early, but John knows.” Martha responded quietly watching for their reaction.

“We’re going to do whatever we can to make sure John gets back to you, and to your child. He comes first.” Arthur stated in a firm tone.

“We can’t lose any of you.” Martha whispered, her eyes closing.

“I know, dear Martha. But John, he has his life set ahead of him, he deserves more than any of us to come back home. To be with you and have a family, and live until you are both old, a happy life. And we’re going to do our best to make sure he gets that.” Tommy explained, pulling Martha into a hug.

After a moment, Martha pulled herself together and stood tall. Arthur smiled and nodded to her.

“Be strong for him, love. And don’t tell him about this, he’ll never let it happen otherwise.” Arthur said.

Martha nodded and hugged each of them before going inside. Arthur and Tommy turned towards the alley, heading to The Garrison. They had a mission and they were going see that mission through.

After tucking Finn into bed, John quietly closed his door and found Martha waiting out in the hall. He led her up the stairs to their room.

Inside, his uniform hung neatly on the back of the door, all of his gear already packed and downstairs. On the dresser were two new picture frames, one with a photo of them on their wedding day, and a second with a photo of John in his uniform. Martha picked up the wedding photograph, trying not to cry again.

“Mar, can I ask you a favor?” John said quietly behind her.

“What is it?” She replied and turned towards him.

“Can you wear your birthday dress tomorrow?” John asked, his fingers grazing against the dress, where it hung in their wardrobe.

“I can do that.” Martha said, trying to smile.

“I need you to be the last thing I see before I go.” John whispered as she walked to him.

Martha nodded and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head against his chest. He held her close to him, trying to file away every memory that had ever been shared in that room.

“Dance with me.”

John held out his hand and Martha took it, smiling shakily as he spun her slowly around and then back in towards him. He held onto her firmly, leading her across the floor to a silent song. They had never really needed music, they had their own rhythm.

John slowed to a stop in front of the window, the late sunset glinting off of Martha’s hair. He reached out to touch her face, watching her for what seemed like forever until he bent his head down to kiss her. They stood in a tight embrace, John’s arm holding her to him at her waist. Martha kissed his cheeks and then back to his lips before unbuttoning the top of his shirt, and trailing her mouth across the base of his neck and his collarbone.

“I love you. I have loved you since I was four years old.” Martha whispered.

John smiled and pushed her gently back into the chair next to the table she used as a vanity. He knelt down and removed her shoes, and then stood up to unbraid her hair. Martha watched him in the mirror on the table, as his strong hands ran through the plaits, loosening her hair until it fell around her shoulders.

“You are the most beautiful girl in the world.” John said.

He swept her hair to one side, placing his lips on her shoulder and then her neck, holding eye contact through the mirror. Martha reached up to unbutton her shirtwaist, and John helped her remove it, letting it fall to the ground. His eyes never left hers.

“Come here to me.” John commanded.

Martha stood and unhooked her skirt, letting it pool around her legs, before taking John’s hand and stepping towards their bed. He laid down and pulled her on top of him, kissing her with an intensity neither had ever felt. One by one, more items of clothing were pushed off the edge of the bed, until they were both completely undressed, except for Martha’s stockings.

John propped himself up on his arms, Martha beneath him, her hand running down his stomach, and back, teasing him. She raised an eyebrow and he smirked at her, sitting back and picking up her left leg.

“Who do you belong to?” John asked, slowly rolling her left stocking down, his hands running over her bare skin.

“You.” Martha replied, feeling her breath hitch in her chest.

John smiled, his eyes smoldering with desire, as he picked up her right leg, pulling the other stocking down just as slowly. He was going to miss these stockings. And the bare legs underneath. Remember this.

John took his time, kissing up each leg and then running his hands up to her ribcage, moving at an agonizing pace up Martha’s body. He could hear her whispering his name over and over, holding onto his shoulders, and then his face as they finally came eye to eye again.

He hovered over her, taking in the way she looked beneath him. Hair scattered across the pillow, her lips wet, her eyes watching him. Her arms wrapping around his back, hands running over his spine.

“I love you.” John said, gently but firm in the conviction of his words.

Martha smiled and he entered her as slowly as he could stand, feeling her body take him in. He grabbed one of her hands and laced their fingers together, before starting to move again at a lingering pace. John hooked his arm under her knee and pulled her right leg up, steadying himself on the mattress. Martha gasped as the move increased the friction between them, and he had never felt so fully inside of her.

John caught her eye again, his need for her burning through his gaze. They both silently recognized that this could be the last time together, but neither would dare speak the words. Martha’s eyes streamed with tears, as the intensity of the moment, how fully John was within with her, brought to the surface all of her despair about him leaving. John kissed her and dropped his head down, letting her cry into his shoulder, as she held onto him tightly.

He could tell he was starting to hit her favorite spot and focused on that, making her feel the pleasure only he could give her. It felt like he went deeper and deeper every time, her body opening up to him, in a way he knew only he could do. Her soft cries were a clue that she was close, he knew every sound she made.

“I want to look at you.”

John pulled his head up and Martha laid hers back on the pillow, following his request. He moaned her name as he came inside her, and that was enough for her constrict around him. The sound of his voice, saying her name like that, sent her over the edge. The sensation was overwhelming, but he held her gaze as he felt himself slowly come down, both of them breathing heavily.

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Neither of them slept much, too worried and wired to go to sleep. John was fully awake when the sun rose, Martha just waking up, her back pressed against him. He rubbed her stomach gently, talking to the baby in his mind.

They laid together as long as possible, before finally getting up to dress for the impending doom that was coming. No one could’ve predicted just how long that would last.

Martha watched John put on his new uniform, which of course he looked unbelievably handsome in. He took a small tin case from the dresser, tucked in his copy of their wedding photo, and placed it in his inside left breast pocket. He smiled sadly at her.

John sat on the bed and watched as Martha got ready, pulling on her undergarments and doing her hair, spraying a bit of her wedding perfume. That scent would never leave him.

She pulled on the white dress over her head and then walked to him silently, so he could button it. They turned to face each other, holding hands.

“I left two letters for you in the top left drawer. One to read later today, the other is if … it’s if something happens. Promise me you won’t read it otherwise.” John said solemnly.

Martha nodded and then grabbed her own letter off the table, handing it to him.

“For you, once you’re settled.” She whispered, barely able to speak the words.

John tucked the letter into the tin case and put it back in the same pocket. He checked his watch and sighed, the morning was going far too quickly. But first, he had something to do.

He got down on his knees and kissed Martha’s stomach before laying his face against it. Martha gently rubbed his ear.

“You take care of your mummy, yeah? I can’t wait to be back with you, little one. I love you and I love your mummy, remember that.” John said, Martha leaning her head back to hold in tears.

After a moment he stood and took her hand to lead her downstairs. They were going to have one last breakfast as a family.

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The Shelby clan stood together warily at the train station, surrounded by others just like them.

Shipping off fathers, sons, brothers, husbands, fiancés, boyfriends, nephews, cousins, friends. Every once and awhile, a wail would sound out over the crowd and it shook each person standing there.

John held Martha to him tightly, arms wrapped around her back, rocking side to side gently.

Tommy and Arthur stood stoically nearby, as Ada held Finn’s hand, and Polly prayed.

The train pulled in and Martha pressed her face into John’s chest, shaking her head. All around them, panicked whispers began as the departure was now imminent. John lifted Martha’s head up, tears already streaming down her face. The world slowed as he looked into her eyes, souls connecting for what could be the last time.

“I love you forever, Mar. I’ll be with you both, every hour of every day.” John said to her, his hand resting on her stomach once again.

“I love you always, Johnny. Come back to us.” Martha replied as her voice broke with a sob.

John took her face in his hands, closed his eyes, and kissed her. He took in the smell of her perfume, the softness of her hair, the feel of her skin. She dug her fingers into his neck, saying everything she needed to say through that kiss.

Ada was fully sobbing, Finn crying, and Polly still praying as Tommy and Arthur watched John and Martha. They knew their pact was the right choice. It would stand.

The crowd parted as John took Martha’s hand and walked to the train, everyone knew who they were. Tommy and Arthur said their goodbyes and boarded, taking John’s bag. John turned once more to Martha.

“It’s time, love. You’ll be in my dreams.” He whispered in her ear, one last smell of her perfume, and she nodded, eyes glassy.

John kissed Martha one more time and boarded the train, finding that his brothers had commandeered a bench on the side facing the platform. He pulled down the window and watched Martha, her white dress with green ribbons moving in the wind, her hair flowing behind her, as the train started to pull away. They held each other’s gaze until they could no longer see each other, and the final car was out of the station. Grey blue and bright green.

Remember this.

Only then did Martha turn and collapse into Ada’s arms, her wails of grief so heartbreaking the sound would haunt Ada the rest of her life.

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Dear Martha,

I have loved you since the moment we met, when I was five and you were four. You are the best part of my life, the best part of me. I believe our souls are meant to be together forever, and I know I will come back to you.

Thank you for marrying me. Our days together at the cottage were some of the happiest of my life. The memories of us together will get me through. And I won’t forget about getting you that green door someday.

I’m with you and the baby. Every hour, every day, every night. Take care of each other.

I will love you forever, Mar. You are my only love.

Your husband,

Johnny

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sttarkeys · 3 years

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𝕌ℙ𝔻𝔸𝕋𝔼

Hey, hi. I am so sorry that I haven't been posting on here that much. Currently right now I am a year 12 student and i and towards the end of my last year of high school. Along with that comes with mountains of homework, long hours of studying etc. Reason number 2 my lovely grandfather is now in hospice care due to his physical and mental health, he is a cancer survivor but he is only getting the worst of it now as he is getting older.

along with that my own mental health is something that I need to loom after as well, i love and appreciate all of the love and care for my work that i have already posted on this account. i know it is shitty that i do not post every single day like i said i would but it’s just hard for me at the moment, my head is in not in the right place at all. I have everything lined up ready to be typed and published but i guess i just need that spike or source of energy to publish i guess. things will go back to normal i promise. but whilst there is nothing being published leave me some requests in my inbox.

I just want to say thank you for your patience, i love and appreciate you all ❤❤

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lightskinbratz · 2 years

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Can someone tag me in some good Finn Cole/Michael Gray/J Cody fanfic pleaseee? ❤️

#fanfic #fan fiction #Finn cole #Michael gray #J cody #Animal kingdom #Peaky blinders

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jerseygirl1290 · 2 years

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Ok peeps, I know I posted a super long time ago that I wanted some ideas to write some more stories and a couple of you gave them to me, but I haven’t even gotten around to starting them because life is ridiculously crazy right now due to working 50 hours a week, my school work and just life in general. Here’s what I want everyone to do. I am taking a fictional writing course next semester (starting in January) and I want all of you fabulous people to give me ideas for stories you would like to read about your favorite superstars. There’s only a select few I feel really comfortable writing (Seth, Roman, Dean/Jon, Drew, Finn, Jeff, Adam (Cole)), but there are others I wouldn’t mind trying my hand at writing (Young Bucks, Kenny, Tyler Breeze and maybe some others). I figure this will help me get some ideas in my head and it will also give you guys a chance to read some more stories about your faves. I should add to this that I do not write smut, and I normally write from a first person perspective. If you would like something written, please shoot me a message with the superstar’s name you would like, and an idea. Also, another disclaimer is that it will probably take me a while as I am in the thick of my semester at the moment and it is all I can do to just stay on top of what I need to get done at the current moment, but I promise you that once I get the time at the end of my semester (December 10th) I will write the stories you send me. Much love and appreciation to everyone!

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anxiousworm · 3 years

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if you dont mind... fandom headcanons for the ninja (like what fandoms they're into) ~ emoji 💖💖💖💖💖 (lloyd and jay love star wars and you can't change my mind)

>:)))

-None of the necessarily watch it, but they all are very aware they’re the real version of the power rangers and just embrace it. Stupid spandex and all

-Jay loves Pokémon, and is slowly sucking everyone else into it too (rn the two most resistant are Lloyd and Zane, but even they can name more than 100 of the fuckers because Jay talks about it so much)

-He also loves transformers and wants to build his own one day so bad

-Cole will go on binges with the office, friends, and parks and rec. He lives on the couch during these times

-Lloyd was always a Cartoon Network sort of kid, adventure time is a personal favorite (Kai got him finn’s hat for his birthday once and he didn’t take it off for a week straight)

-He also loves card games, especially yugioh. Jay and him have gotten into multiple wars over the superior franchise

-According to Nya they’re both wrong, because obviously it’s digimon

-She also loves she-ra (grew up with the original but loves the reboot). It was always amazing to know that one day she could be strong and save people like Adora

-Kai didn’t really grow up watching anything but once he discovers dragonball he’s hooked (Jay got him into it and now they obsess over it together). He watches he-man too, but purely for the memes

-Cole’s also a closeted miku/k-pop fan (or whatever is the ninjagan equivalent)

-Zane doesn’t watch much of anything, but let’s everyone rant to him because it makes them happy. His one soft spot is we bare bears

-Books, on the other hand, are his drug. Game of thrones, anything by Tolkien, he wasn’t watched any shows or movies for them because he prefers whatever he imagines

-Pixal likes ghost in the shell, and pretty much any other science fiction anime she can get her hands on

#ninjago hc #my hcs

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peppermintstranger · 5 years

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Hey pep! I'm writing a riverdale fan fiction called deadly class so apart from Camila Mendes can you give me a a flamboyant male FC who's REALLY cute and female FC who's drop dead gorgeous

Hello!

· Male: Michael Provost, Noah Centineo, Jacob Elordi, Finn Cole, Cody Christian.

· Female: Lili Reinhart, Ella Balinska, Courtney Eaton, Ella Purnell, Sydney Sweeney.

Hope it helps c:

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judysxnd · 3 years

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Pictures you take of Finn on vacation

Beach edition

I had this idea today when I was looking at pictures of Finn. I think that’s a good idea, I might do it for other occasions! I liked the result so yeah, I think I’ll do it again. Hope you will like it too!

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Its the morning, around 10am, and you’re in the hotel room. You’re laying in bed, on your phone as Finn is in the bathroom. Music blaring from the speaker (at a reasonable volume), Finn suddenly got out of the bathroom in his robe and starts dancing around. You took the opportunity to take a picture when he makes a pose. You couldn’t stop laughing.

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One afternoon, as it was very sunny but too hot to do anything, you guys decided to rent a boat for the day, and sail around. As Finn knows how to drive a boat, he could show you. After he made you take the wheel for some time, you went back to your sit, and Finn took it back. You found your phone in your pockets, which gave you an idea: take a picture of him.

“What are you doing?” Finn said analyzing what you were doing.

“Enjoying the view” you smiled which made him laugh.

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There was this one and only rainy day during the trip where the temperature dropped really bad. You stayed in bed, enjoying the view, cuddling. You also watched some tv shows, and a movie while eating dinner. After dining, it stopped raining so you decided to go for a walk on the beach and watch the sunset. This time, Finn took his camera, and took pictures of you without you knowing.

“The sunset is really red” you said staring at the sun.

“Yeah it’s beautiful” Finn said coming next to you as you stopped.

“Give me your camera” he did not question it and gave it to you. You took some pictures of the landscape, but you also took some of Finn.

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The first morning after you arrived at the hotel, you were both up really early. You were both getting ready, however you didn’t know what to do. It was kind of cloudy but it was a little hot.

“we could go on for a walk” you suggested, as you were drying your hair.

“Huh, too lazy” you laughed.

“Not even one day on vacation and you’re already playing the lazy card. What are we going to do during this week?” You both laughed.

“We could take our bikes” you were confused.

“That’s literally more exhausting than walking”

“Yeah, but I don’t know, I kind of prefer that” you laughed.

“Well then, okay, I’m good for that”

After you were both ready, you went to take your bikes that were in the car. Finn got on his, so did you. He was arranging something when you put your phone out.

“Finn, smile” he looked up, confused, then laughed. You took the first picture.

“Always taking pictures”

“I’m making memories dumbass” he rolled his eyes.

After a while of riding you arrived on the road next to the beach. You were challenging each other on some races and all, just goofing around. In front of you, there were two women, standing in front of the beach, and taking pictures. After passing them, Finn went a little faster and mimicked them. You bursted into laughter and played the game by taking pictures of him, which gave as a result the second picture.

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Tonight, you both wanted to eat outside, on the beach. There were tables with benches not far from the hotel. You ordered some pizzas and bought a few beers before going there. It was cute, just the two of you, laughing, talking, drinking a little. You had some cards and games, so you played, fighting because one’s cheating and all.

“It’s been a while we haven’t done that” you added

“Yeah. It was much needed”

“Agreed” you both smiled at each other.

The next morning you found this picture in your camera roll, not really remembering when you took it.

——————————————————————————

Obviously it would not be a true beach vacation without surfing. Finn loves to surf, which means that the location of the holidays were based on a good place to surf. Unfortunately you do not know how to surf. After a very long conversation, Finn managed to convince you that he could teach you the basics because “it could be fun if we had something more in common, we could go surf together and all”. You couldn’t resist him, so one afternoon when the waves seemed good, you went to the beach, on a side where there weren’t much people.

When you arrived on the parking lot, Finn was so excited to teach you everything. He got out of the car and started to get out his board. You stood next to the car, nervous, looking around you. You finally looked back at Finn, still taking stuff out of the car. You looked at your phone, hoping for something that could avoid this situation. You looked up to see Finn smiling at you. You quickly went on Snapchat and took this picture of him.

After walking a while, Finn put his board on the sand and showed you the positions and all. You mimicked him, feeling embarrassed.

“This is so humiliating” you said looking down.

“Why?”

“I don’t know” Finn laughed

“Don’t think about the people around us” you stared at him, he knew you too well.

After a while, you both went in the water, staying around the little waves area so you could try to find your balance there first. Let’s just say it was not a success. You ended up staying on the sand, watching Finn surf like a god. You kind of felt dumb, embarrassed, even uncomfortable because you couldn’t do it, and because Finn and the other people around you had to see this.

Finn made sure the rest of the day was way better than this so you would not feel guilty for anything, after all it wasn’t that bad.

——————————————————————————

One classic afternoon on the beach, tanning, playing and swimming together. After swimming for a while, you took a break and joined Finn who stayed on the beach. He was looking at you, phone out, taking pictures. You laughed as you approached him.

“Please tell me you’re not taking pictures”

“So you’re allowed to but not me?”

“Exactly” you laughed as you sat down in front of him. He took one more picture of you, which made you roll your eyes and smile.

“The view is too beautiful”

“So cheesy”

After that, Finn went in the water for some time, and when he came back, you made sure to do exactly the same thing he did with you. As he sat down, you took this picture.

“We’re even now” you said proudly.

“We’re far from even” you both laughed.

——————————————————————————

One morning, you were both wandering around the city, going in some shops, talking, discovering the city when you came across what seemed a garage. Finn was intrigued because there were only old cars parked in the front. You walked closely to a board which explained that this place was actually renting the cars for a day.

“No way! We have to do this!” Finn exclaimed. He was suddenly so excited, like a child. It was hard to say no, and you were also excited about this idea.

The ride was so good, driving around the city, finding new places to go after, enjoying the wind and the sun in this old car. The experience was great. Before taking the car back at the garage, you stopped by the beach.

“Here, take a photo of me in the car” you laughed.

“You love it that much?”

“Come on just do it!” He was so excited. He kept begging you, so you just took the picture. What a child.

#finn cole #cute #i love him #fanfic #finn cole fan fiction #finn cole imagines #finn cole x reader #preferences #finn cole preferences

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spine-buster · 6 years

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Chapter 25 - The Beginning and the End of Everything (Finn Balor)

A/N: IT’S THE END OF AN ERA, Y’ALL!

I cannot thank you all enough for liking, reblogging, and commenting on this story. This was definitely a labour of love, and although the updates at the end were few and far in between (thanks, work, you heartless bitch), I hope you all enjoyed the ride that was Gemma and Fergal. Be on the lookout for some future one-shots with those lovebirds.

I’m going to be taking a bit of a break from multi-chapter fics right now because I am working on developing my next Adam Cole fic -- more on that to come in the future! One shots will still be posted and I’m going to try and write Defensive III in the meantime.��

Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. You guys are the best.

@wrestlewriting @thegenericluchadora @thewriterformerlytaggedas @fan-fiction-galore @anerdysouthernbelle @spot-of-bother @amaranthine-reign @baleesi @flnnbalor @smuppies @sarahmatthews7 @daintymissdevitt@newjapan @corey-renee @running-ropes @balorsomega @karleedaniels27 @kazuchika @ileana0300 @alexahood21 @ohcristimhookedonhavocimsodunne@fembxt @heelturn-timesten @kaitlynwwefan @50shadesofadamcolebaybay @50shadesofkennyomega @chasingeverybreakingwave @thyestean-feast @thecandicej @devittsbalor @sp00kylesley @danahart @sietefinns@kaydee-kayyyy @powerbombshell @swedish-strong-style @blondekel77@irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @nickysmum1909 @houndofjustice-imagines @wwesmutdonedirtcheap @wweximaginesxd @indywrestlinglover-life @mandi512 @kakakatey @ourscratcheddreams @sleeplessandcynical @badame124 @thevixeniris

Fergal was positive he had never been more nervous in his entire life. He wasn’t this nervous the first time he got into a ring. He wasn’t this nervous before his first match. He wasn’t this nervous before any Best of the Super Juniors Tournament, sold-out match at Korakuen Hall, debut in WWE – nothing. That was all trivial now.

Gemma was finally allowed back on the ice.

He knew whatever he was feeling paled in comparison to what she must have been feeling. He knew that she had waited a year for this; that every breakdown, every temper tantrum, every stretch, every squat, every lunge, culminated in this moment. This was the moment for her.

He was with her in Toronto, obviously, for the big moment. Paul had allowed him to take some time off, and he’d be back in Toronto next weekend too, to help with logistical stuff pertaining to Gemma’s hockey camp. It was going to be a busy week, and definitely an emotional week, where a lot of things would change for Gemma. He was almost sure she was ready…and he wasn’t sure if he was ready.

He could feel the excited and anxious energy radiating off of her as they moved about her parents’ house, getting everything ready. Gemma had packed her hockey gear, and chose her Team Canada jersey to wear for the occasion, since it was the jersey she played her last game in. James had already packed it into the trunk of her car – he and Nabilah were taking their own car to the Ricoh Coliseum, where everything was going to go down. Fergal was standing in the living room, holding Gemma’s stick, as he watched her mull about the kitchen filling up her water bottle and contemplate out loud about bringing snacks. She was definitely nervous. The last thing on her mind should have been snacks.

“You almost ready?” he asked softly, taking into account the time. Her coach, Jane, and her teammates from Team Canada were going to be there for 11. It was already past 10 and they needed to drive all the way downtown to get to the arena.

She looked at him like she had forgotten he was in the living room. “Yeah, just about,” she said. “Do you think I should bring an extra water bottle?”

“I’m sure they will have that there.”

“What about Gatorade? I should bring Gatorade, right?”

“Gemma, they’ll have Gatorade,” Fergal smiled. He walked towards her as she opened the fridge, put the old water bottle she had taken out two minutes ago back in, only to pull out another one. “Gemma.”

“It wasn’t cold anymore.”

“Gemma,” he said more sternly so that she would look at him. When she did, he put his hand over hers. “I know you’re nervous, but this is going to be great, okay?”

“I know,” she nodded quickly. “I’m sorry…I’m not usually this…”

Fergal furrowed his brows. “Who’re you kidding? Yes you are.”

Gemma snorted. “Shut up. I’m a basket case, I know, but I’ve never gotten nervous about hockey before.”

“So why are you nervous now?” he asked.

Gemma took a deep breath. Fergal’s earnest baby blues were too much for her to handle at this point, so she focused on the water bottle instead. “It’s…it’s been a year, Fergal. An entire year since I’ve been on the ice…since I’ve played hockey. Do you know how long that is?”

Fergal knew it felt like a lifetime, that it was a lifetime for her. That she was robbed of the one thing she enjoyed most and now it was being given back to her, however small. He nodded his head as she leaned in to kiss her temple. “I know. I know how long it is.”

“This is going to be insane,” she let out a forced chuckle to try and hide the strain in her voice. The tears were already forming. “I’m so happy you’re here to see it.”

“I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

She turned towards him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders before giving him a kiss. “I only wish you could have seen me when I was in my prime.”

“That’s where you’re mistaken, Gemma Saad-Fitzgerald,” he kissed the tip of her nose. “You are in your prime.”

“No…I mean like the prime of my career.”

“I mean what I said,” Fergal smiled. “You are in the prime of your career. Just because you’re not playing hockey doesn’t mean you’re not in your prime. You’re starting this hockey camp, you’re giving a once in a lifetime opportunity to thousands of girls across this country…and who knows what else is going to come your way. I would say that’s the prime of a career.”

Gemma scrunched her face to hide back the tears as she his her face in the crook of Fergal’s neck. “What did I do to deserve you,” she mumbled.

“You were you,” he whispered in her ear. “Now let’s go so you can be you again.”

The car ride to the Ricoh Coliseum was eerily reminiscent of Fergal and Gemma’s early car rides through the streets of Orlando. She was mostly silent, looking out the window at all the houses and buildings on the way. The only time she spoke was when she directed Fergal through the streets, bypassing what the navigation system was telling him so they could take the quicker route. Once they arrived, they were ushered to the private parking area. Fergal didn’t bother finding a spot close to the door this time.

Once he parked, he turned off the ignition and looked over at Gemma in the passenger seat. She was staring straight ahead, deep in contemplation. She was mere steps away from the rink – steps away from her moment.

“You alright?” he asked. She nodded her head. He reached across and grabbed her hand in his, stroking her fingers with his thumb. “You wanna go in?”

“Ferg?” she ignored his question.

“Hmm?”

“Before we go in, can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course.”

She took a deep breath, collecting herself before squeezing his hand gently. “I just…I want to let you know…when I started this, rehab…I was so…angry at everything. At the world, at hockey, at my physiotherapist, at you, but most importantly, at myself. And you helped me not be so angry. You helped me remember the good things in life…and you…you helped me…” she began tearing up, her voice cracking, “you helped me smile again. And that’s the most powerful thing anyone could have ever done for me. I know it hasn’t been easy for you – I know how difficult I can be – but you never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself,” she was crying at his point, her cheeks and eyes red as tears rolled down her face. “So before we go in there, I need you tell you…I need to tell you how much I appreciate you, and admire you…and how much I love you,” she took a deep breath. “I love you so much Fergal. So much. I can’t picture myself with anyone else but you. I can’t picture anybody being able to do what you’ve done. I love you. I love you.”

It was Fergal’s turn to cry. It had taken Gemma a few months to say those words after he said them, but it was worth it. God, everything this past year was worth it. All the highs and lows, the deep talks to the blow-out fights, every phone call, every message, every car ride – he would do it one hundred times over if it meant he could hear those three words come out of her mouth again. “I love you too, Gemma,” he mumbled, leaning over to kiss her. It wasn’t a new sentiment, at least for him – he had kept his promise when he told her that her not saying it wouldn’t make him stop saying it – but now that he heard it once, it was all he wanted to hear for the rest of his life. “I love you so much.”

“I love you. I love you,” she repeated. “And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you for what you’ve been able to do for me.”

“But you don’t have to,” he affirmed. “Being you is enough. You getting to this moment is all the repayment I’ll ever need. Seeing you succeed and be happy is the best thing in the world to me,” he said, kissing her again.

She took a few deep breaths, letting his words sink in. When their tears ceased to fall, she bit her lip. “Ready to go in?”

“Are you ready?”

With a nod of her head and a final kiss, Fergal opened his door.

Fergal firmly believed that what he was witnessing before him was magic. There were no words to describe the happiness, the delight, the exuberance that was on Gemma’s face as she skated along the ice. He remembered the videos he watched of her when she won her gold medal and thought to himself that she might even be happier now than she was then. Her laughs were so loud and infectious, he could hear them from where he sat in the penalty box. Her teammates were all smiles as they skated with her, passing around a puck and taking light shots towards the nets. Media had showed up from some of the major sports outlets to film. On more than one occasion they had gotten in the way of the hockey players, who virtually trampled them over.

“Hey Fitz!” her coach called out. “You think your shot held up?”

The smile on Gemma’s face stretched from ear to ear. “You bet your ass it did.”

“Let’s find out, shall we?” he smirked. “Hey boys!” he pointed to all the cameramen. “You’re gonna wanna catch this.”

Two of her teammates skated back onto the ice with targets that they placed on the net in specific areas. Two at the top, two at the bottom, and one where the goalie’s five-hole would be. They cheered as a bunch of pucks were brought towards Gemma, who set herself up in her regular shooting position. As the cameras rolled, Gemma took pucks and began shooting the targets.

Cheers erupted every time one was hit – and in a mere 15 seconds, it was all over. She’d been able to hit all five targets in only 15 seconds, using only 10 pucks. Her teammates surrounded her in cheers and congratulatory headbutts. Fergal noticed her coach setting up pucks in a pyramid at the opposite end from where he was sitting in the penalty box. He motioned over for another camera man to get in behind the area so he could film. “Hey Gem!” he called out to her again. When she looked his way, he pointed towards the pyramid. “Is that the best you got?”

Fergal watched as Gemma’s face changed from happy to competitive. She saw the challenge and wanted to rise to it. It was apparently easy to hit targets in a net, and she wanted to go one step further.

She pushed five pucks in front of her, organizing them all in a line. Fergal watched in anticipation her first shot, which knocked the top puck off. Her second shot completely wiped out the puck on the left. Her third shot hit the remaining puck so hard it crashed into the glass behind it. Her fourth was a slapshot to the rest of the period, causing it to explode and leaving one sole puck rolling along the boards. With her last shot, with sniper-like accuracy, she shot her last puck and knocked the rolling puck off the boards.

Once she was finished, she looked at her coach with her eyebrows raised. “Still the best shot in the game, huh?” she smirked.

“Atta girl,” Fergal mumbled to himself proudly.

It had been a week since Gemma had gotten back on the ice, and it was like she was a completely different person. Fergal could see and sense the difference the second she stepped off the ice at the Ricoh Coliseum last week. Since then, the two videos of her target practice had gone viral, showcasing just how much of a true talent she still was, despite not having been on the ice for an entire year.

Now, her main focus was the hockey camp. She and Fergal had met with some Hockey Canada executives last night and were scheduled to meet up with John and some guys from the Toronto Maple Leafs for dinner to talk sponsorship opportunities. She had gone out to lunch with her mom earlier in the day before she came back to rest and get read for that night. Nabilah had gone to get her hair done; James was playing a round of golf with his buddies. Gemma was sitting at the kitchen table, painting her nails, while he was sprawled out on the couch, watching TV. It was a rare, quiet moment in a life that was a whirlwind from the moment he opened his eyes to the moment he shut them to sleep.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Gemma standing in the doorway. “Ferg?”

“Hmm?”

She walked over to the couch slowly, sitting down facing him. He pulled himself up from lying down so he could look at her. “We…we need to talk.”

The four words any person walking the earth would dread to hear. He gulped. “About what?”

“When I…when I said I was going out with my mom today, I was lying,” she began.

Sirens began going off in Fergal’s brain. She wasn’t exactly off to the best start. “Okay…where did you go instead?”

“I uh…I went for a job interview,” she revealed.

“A job interview?”

“Yeah. With Hockey Night in Canada.”

Fergal calmed down considerably, but there was still some skepticism on his part. “Okay…”

“About a week ago, they had called me and asked me to come in. I didn’t tell you because I had no idea what it was about. I thought maybe they just wanted an interview after those videos went viral. But they…they asked me to be on Hockey Night in Canada.”

Fergal could barely process the words that were coming out of her mouth. She had known about it for a week? Hockey Night in Canada? “Gemma, that’s amazing,” he finally let out.

“You think so?”

“Of course!” he exclaimed. “Gemma, Hockey Night in Canada is like…an institution. This is…this is like everything you’ve ever wanted as a kid, besides being a hockey player. This is your dream.”

“It is…this does mean a lot…” her words sounded unsure. Fergal became nervous at how hesitant she sounded about this. “But I’m putting what it means to me aside for now, okay? It just means a lot in general. It means I’m going to be based in Toronto long term. It means both of my jobs are here. It means that I can’t move, even if I wanted to --”

“Gemma --”

“It means that you’ve gotta be willing to be here. To move to Toronto,” she deadpanned, her voice quivering. Fergal knew there were tears coming because she had already thought about how this talk would go in her head. She’d give the proposition to him. He’d say no. They’d break up. She’d be alone and lonely. She’d work her job, and be happy about it, but her personal life would be void. He’d go on working in the WWE. Soon, they would become distant memories for each other. One day, down the road, she’d flip on the TV and WWE would be on, and she’d see him in the ring, and remember their short, fleeting relationship. But it would all be over.

“So if you’re not committed, I need to know now. Before anything goes forward. So that I know where we stand.”

“Gemma…” he said softly, holding both her hands in his. “I’ve been committed from the beginning.”

She came to a slow realization of what he had just said. “So you’ll stay.”

“Yes.”

“You’ll move to Toronto.”

“Yes.”

“You’ll…you’ll…” she tried to get out, but tears interrupted her.

“Yes, yes, yes,” Fergal embraced her.

When she broke down and cried into his shoulder, grasping at him as if he would float away, he realized the magnitude of what had just happened. It was what happened over the last week, really, that culminated to this moment, to her crying on his shoulder, overjoyed. She had said ‘I love you’ before she knew anything official about his willingness to move to Toronto for her. She had exposed herself, made herself vulnerable, made herself susceptible to heartbreak, all before she knew his decision. She had taken the biggest, greatest risk of her life, not knowing if it would lead her to sadness or happiness.

She hadn’t let fear get in the way of making a decision. And it had the best payoff.

“I feel like I’m walking into Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory,” Gemma declared as Ron MacLean escorted her and Fergal throughout the Hockey Night in Canada studios. She had called that morning to let them know her decision, and not even ten minutes later Ron had called her, offering to show her around her new workplace. She ‘dragged’ Fergal along, but he was just as willing as she was. After all, he wanted to see where his girlfriend would be working a majority of the year, and he wanted to meet her colleagues.

“It is a bit magical, isn’t it?” Ron nodded his head as they walked on set. “Elliotte should be here any second to give you the crash course in teleprompter reading. Why don’t you take a seat?”

Gemma looked at Ron like he had two heads. “You serious?”

“Better get used to it now, right?” he smiled.

As Gemma walked around the desk, taking everything in, Fergal had to stifle his laugh. She really did look like a kid in a candy store. Soon a man emerged – Elliotte, probably – who began to talk to her all about the set up and production, pointing out each microphone, camera, and teleprompter on set.

As Fergal stood off to the side, watching Gemma take it all in, Ron ended up standing beside him. “You must be Fergal, Gemma’s boyfriend,” he extended his hand.

Fergal loved how when he was in Canada, he was simply ‘Gemma’s boyfriend’. “That’s me.”

“The wrestler,” Ron went on. “I saw you at the NHL Awards. PK Subban told me who you are.”

Fergal chuckled. “Yeah, PK and I are making a buddy-cop movie. The Rock is going to produce it.”

Ron shook his head. “That boy comes up with the craziest ideas. But hey, he did tell me a little bit about you. Guy from Ireland? Lived in Japan? Moving to Toronto now?” Ron smiled. Fergal nodded his head at it all. “You must really like Gemma. No Irish guy I’d know would choose to go through Canadian winters.”

Fergal chuckled, but kept his eyes on Gemma looking at the teleprompter and messing up her lines already. The smile that took up half her face stretched from ear to ear. “I know. It’s not the easiest or the most straightforward of paths. And Gemma…this past year. She hasn’t been the easiest or the most straightforward either. But I love her. And she loves me. And that’s the beginning and the end of everything.”

#finn balor #finn balor fic #finn balor fan fic #finn balor imagine #finn balor fan fiction #finn balor fanfic #finn balor fanfiction #wwe #wwe fic #wwe imagine #wwe fan fic #wwe fan fiction #wwe fanfic #wwe fanfiction #baeoe series

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ecoamerica · 20 days

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youtube

Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared

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justimagineitblog · 4 years

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“You Used To Love Me” Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 10

A/N: Alright this one broke and mended my heart all at once while I was writing it - goddamn these characters hahahahaha.

WARNINGS: Swearing, Violence, Guns, Death, Alcohol -

I know I’ve used swear words in previous chapters but this one is quite heavily riddled with it, I also thought I’d warn that there are mentions of death in this one my loves - it’s nothing too full on and I don’t go into heavy descriptions but I just felt like this one needed a warning just incase x

As always, please enjoy xx

As the alarm goes off, Charlie and I both jolt awake in bed. It only takes a few moments to realise that it’s almost half an hour past when we were supposed to be up.

“Fuck!” He shouts as he jumps out of the bed, ripping the sheets back. He’s going on a work trip this weekend with his brother, and if the time on the clock is correct, then the car should be pulling up any moment.

I tear myself out of the bed after him, frantically running around with him to help him get ready.

“Charlie your suit case is in here!” I call as I hear him fumbling around my apartment for his luggage. He runs back into the room, tearing through the cupboards for his suit.

He strips naked right in front of me, and I can’t help but laugh at how much of a mess this is as I try and help him get his suit on.

“He’s gonna kill me if I’m late” he stresses, his hands desperately trying to do up his buttons but he fails. This is a big weekend for their business. If he’s late or messes his up, I know how horrible he will feel about it for a long time.

“Hey, just breathe okay, let me do this” I coo, swatting his hands away as I do his buttons up for him.

He nods, closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath. Once his shirt is buttoned up he takes off again, scurrying around gathering all his paper work, luggage and some how wriggling his shoes on. We both jump in fright as the beeping of a horn below signals that his car is here.

Swearing repeatedly, he runs to the door, but freezes right before he walks out. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” he breathes, turning back to me with a shaking his head.

“Stop, it’s okay” I promise him, my hands on his chest as I straighten his tie and jacket “You’re gonna be amazing”

With a relieved smile, he presses his lips against mine. I hold his face, trying to soak up as much of him as I can.

“I’ll miss you, don’t get in any trouble while I’m gone eh?”

“Me?” I furrow my brows “I have no idea what you’re talking about”

He laughs, pulling me in for another kiss.

“Okay, okay you have to go” I chuckle as the car horn continues to beep downstairs. He gives me a few last pecks and before I know it he’s gone, running down the hallway, leaving me flustered in his wake.

I run over to the window, watching as he gets in the car and gives me one last wave. I return the gesture, blowing him a kiss that he pretends to catch as the car pulls away and disappears from my sight.

Slinking back through my apartment I collapse lazily back into my bed, arms and legs flailed in every direction as I fall back asleep.

LATER THAT AFTERNOON

“Hello?”

“Hi you”

I smile as Charlie’s voice speaks like honey through the phone line.

“Miss me already?” I tease.

“Most definitely” he replies, when suddenly the sound of excitement and hollering fills the phone.

“The deal went well then?” I chuckle at his excitement.

“The deal went… incredibly,” he begins, trying to speak over the mens in the background “Actually, we made an ever bigger deal than we originally planned on… they want to financially support the entire business, Izzy”

“Oh my god, Charlie, that’s amazing!” I exclaim

“I was gonna wait to tell you when I got home but… Izzy I think we’re going to move up here”

My jaw drops as I press the phone closer to my ear to make sure I heard him right. When I don’t reply, he begins to fill in the blanks eagerly.

“They want us to move up here Izzy, they want to support us and the whole business-“

The weight of what he’s actually saying begins to wash over me as a million questions leap and bound through my mind.

“Charlie-“ I stutter “You’ve been there for 5 hours” I blurt out, glancing at the clock. 5 hours. That’s barely enough time to decide you want to move 3 hours away. Permanently.

“I know, I know, but we just made the biggest deal of our lives… I’ve gotta follow this Izzy”

“Oh my god” I breathe, trying to sound excited but doing an absolutely horrid job of hiding my shock.

“That’s not why I wanted to call you though, I think I have a proposition for you” I hold my breath. So far, I couldn’t have predicted this conversation even if I tried. I have no idea what is about to come out of his mouth.

“Well you see, I told him I wasn’t moving up here unless they set us up with a proper home because…” He takes a deep breath before blurting out his next words “I want you to come with me, Izzy”

The second the words leave his mouth I freeze. Go with him. Did he just ask me to move away with him? Move three hours away? Away from my home. The place I grew up. Away from my job. Away from the Shelby’s.

“Izzy? Izzy are you there? What do you think?” I hear his muffled voice asking through the phone as I snap back into reality. Heat rises up my neck and over my face as I fumble for my words.

“What do I think?” I echo his words. I don’t know what I think. Actually, I’m thinking way to much.

“I know it’s a lot. You don’t have to pack your bags right now. I’ll tell you all about it when I get home”

Pack my bags?

My breath quickens as do my racing thoughts and heart rate.

“Okay, I have to go!” he rushes quickly as the shouting and hollering behind him gets louder, urging him to go and join the celebrations.

And just like that, the phone line goes silent. I stand in the lurch for minute after minute trying to digest what just happened. I fumble for a chair, trying to steady myself as I sit down. The whole conversation was such a rush and a whirlwind that I feel physically light headed.

We’ve only been together for a month.

But if I don’t move away with him, is that the end of us? We would hardly be able to visit one another during the week. And even weekends aren’t always free. Between both of our work schedules, how would we ever make time. Three hours away. That’s no short trip. If anything happened back here, I wouldn’t be able to get back in a hurry. What if Tommy got into trouble? And Arthur? What if Polly needed me? And then the most regretful, dreaded thought crosses my mind. What about Michael?

I feel physically ill. I can’t move. I can’t do this. The phone that’s rested in my lap begins to ring obnoxiously, frightening me so badly I almost throw it clean across the room. Maybe I should. Maybe I should break the goddamn thing.

“Shit” I hiss, running a hand through my hair as my heart pounds so hard it feels like it might just jump straight out of my chest.

I yank the phone towards my ear, completely exhausted and flustered.

“Izzy? Darling it’s Polly”

I sigh, trying to calm myself down enough to sound somewhat normal and coherent.

“Hi Poll, what’s up?”

“Look don’t panic, we just need you to come down here okay”

The tight nervousness of her voice snaps me straight out of my cloudy, foggy state.

“Polly what’s going on?” I reply urgently, standing up from my chair in a panic.

“It’s alright. Just come down to the office okay? We’ve got a client here and-” she pauses as voices in the background get louder and I strain desperately to hear who is there “We just need you to go over some things”

“I’m coming now” I hang up the phone immediately.

Something isn’t right.

I race out the door without my coat, my hand bag, anything. I don’t even bother trying to be subtle as I run through the streets, tearing my way through people and around corners until I see the office ahead. As I get closer the fear in the pit of my stomach grows bigger and bigger.

Polly never sounds like that. What the hell is going on. What am I about to find inside.

The sound of sudden shouting from inside sends a crashing wave of fear and adrenaline through me as I burst into the office through the back door. What I find when I walk in sends my stomach into back flips. I freeze, almost tripping over my own feet from stopping to abruptly.

All heads shoot towards me. Tommy, Arthur, Polly and Michael. They look terrified, there eyes wide with panic as they’re stood at the edges of the room, their backs practically up against the walls. And it doesn’t take me long to figure out why. My eye’s immediately fall over a man stood in the middle of the room.

He’s standing amidst the office desks which have been flipped and smashed all over the floor. Paper is thrown everywhere. I would call him a stranger, but he’s not. I know this man. We all know this man. He is a client. Bill Rodgers.

I have seen him a few times. Met with him. Met his wife and children. He pays donations to us once a month, in return, we look after his family if they ever need anything. A simple agreement. We do that for a lot of families around here. He’s never been overly warm. But friendly enough. And I don’t know him incredibly well. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realise there is something wrong. Besides the fact that the office is a mess. With chairs, desks and tables scattered across the room. Paper work everywhere. Bill stands in the middle of it all.

His doing I assume.

And he is completely wasted. I can smell it on him. All the way from the door way, my nose catches the distinct smell of whiskey. It almost fills the room. You have to drink bottles of whiskey, or spend days on end inside of a pub to smell like that. Even the way he stands, head to the floor, grumbling, swaying. Muttering to himself. But that’s not even the most concerning thing. No. The most concerning thing about Mr Rodgers is not his drunken stupor.

But the pistol that he is clutching in his hand.

I swallow hard when I see it. I glance to the floor, where I realise they have placed all of their guns.

He must have demanded them to drop their guns.

What I cannot figure out, about Bill, is what the hell he wants. He has never caused any trouble. Never gotten in trouble with the law. Never betrayed us. What the hell is doing here in a drunken rage with a gun?

“Bill,” Tommy begins, his arms outstretched to him “This is Isabelle”

I glance nervously at Tommy as he signals for me to come over to stand beside him. I rush over to his side, and he steps in front of me ever so slightly. Bill looks up at me gravely, through the disheveled hair falling in his face. I try to hold his eyes, staying calm and gentle. In his state, anything could set him off.

“And what is she gonna do about it huh?” He growls “They’re dead Tommy”

“Bill-“

“No, Tommy” he shouts “I pay you donations every month, yeah, and you look after my family in return. BUT THEY’RE GONE! THEY’RE GONE TOMMY!” His voice grows louder as he waves his arms in the air, and we all take a few steps back as we watch the pistol in his clutch nervously.

Tommy opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it.

“Bill,” I say gently and he shoots his eyes in my direction “Just tell me what happened, and I can help you. Whatever you need. But I have to know how to help you first”

He stares at me, reluctantly, angrily, before something seems to give.

“They’re dead” He breathes “Sarah, and my boys. I was out, and the house was robbed. They stole everything and killed my fucking family”

My heart drops. He lost his family. All of them. This man is hurting. He is in pain. We are supposed to provide protection. His house being robbed is something none of us could have prevented, or helped, but he has just lost his entire family, and he’s looking for someone to blame.

I can’t believe my own actions when I find myself walking slowly towards him. I feel everyone in the room tense, as I do. This man may normally be harmless, but right now he is intoxicated and armed. And I’m walking straight into it.

“Izzy, don’t” I hear Tommy’s voice hiss so silently I almost miss it. But I ignore him.

“Bill, we can help you okay” I take another slow, weary step towards him treading so lightly I barely make a sound “We can find the men who did this, but I just need you to put your gun down for me”

He sways, seeming to lose his stability. The whiskey coursing through him right now must be making him see double.

Suddenly he bursts into sobs, and I almost jump out of my skin. He sinks to the floor, falling among the debris in a pile of sobs and cries.

Keeping my eyes firmly glued on the gun, I lower myself to his level.

“No one can help me” he whimpers in between cries.

“We can help you, I promise” I breathe, the stench of whiskey slapping me in the face and burning my nostrils as I shuffle closer and closer. I’m only inches away from him. Close enough to reach out and take the gun from his lose grip. With one head in his hands, and the other hanging by his side, he’s so distraught I don’t even think he would notice.

I hear feet shuffling around me, as they all begin to reach for their guns just incase.

I hold my breath, praying over and over again silently to myself as I extend my arm. My hand shaking as I close in on the pistol.

But the second my skin touches his, my hand brushing the pistol ever so slightly as I almost grab a hold of it, it sets him off like a match igniting a bomb. His giant stature lurches upwards as he roars with rage. Happening all to fast for me to comprehend, or even try to escape, he shoves me with a brute force that I’ve never felt before. He pummels me, bashing me up against the wall, the back of my head colliding with it so loudly against it that I think I black out momentarily as everything goes white. My ears, are ringing, piercing and loud and I only just begin to comprehend what’s happening when I feel his hands around my throat.

His forehead is pressed roughly against mine, his thick breath hot and drenched in pungent alcohol as his chest rises and falls heavily. I grab at his hands, clawing desperately to try and pry them off as his grip tightens. He shakes me like a rag doll, shoving me so harshly into the wall that I’m just waiting for it to give way. He stares at me with rage, with ferocity that I have never seen before. Frozen, paralysed in fear, all I can do is stare back into them.

The sound of gun chambers cocking all around us catches his attention, and suddenly I’m being pulled away from the wall. He spins me around, and the blow to my head as well as lack of oxygen disorients me completely. It’s not until I feel the burning of cold metal against my temple that I come back to my senses. Bill is stood behind me, one arm around my chest to keep me still, my back pressed against him. The other hand, is pressing the barrel of his pistol against the side of my skull.

I stiffen immediately, not even breathing as he faces me towards the Tommy, Arthur, Polly and Michael, who all have their guns aimed at him.

“PUT THE FUCKING GUNS DOWN OR I’LL BLOW HER BRAINS OUT ALL OVER THESE WALLS” He screams at them, his booming voice almost defeating me in one ear as he presses the pistol harder against my head.

Tommy, Polly and Arthur drops their guns to the floor immediately.

But Michael doesn’t budge.

Our eyes lock, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so terrified. He is completely pale, all the blood drained from his face as he aims the gun at Bill’s head.

“Just put the gun down” I whimper, and he shakes his head frantically, refusing to.

“Let go of her” he growls through clenched teeth, his voice cracking and shaking.

My ears prick as Bill cocks the gun, the chamber clicking.

“An eye for an eye huh,” Bill breathes, beginning to sob again “I fucking kill her and then we’re even for you not protecting my fucking boys”

“Bill let her go” Tommy warms, holding his arms out to him “We are going to find the men that did this and when we do, they are going to get what they deserve. But this…” she shakes his head “This isn’t the answer”

My eyes dart from Tommy back to Michael, who has not moved an inch, gun still aimed.

“I TOLD YOU TO PUT THAT FUCKING GUN DOWN” Bill shouts at Michael, completely ignoring Tommy’s words.

“Michael” I plead desperately, dread washing over me so heavily that I feel ill. I watch as he shakes his head, refusing. His wide open, panic strike eyes have turned glassy, and I can feel tears stinging and biting at my own eyes.

“It’s okay,” I breathe, giving him the smallest nod I can manage with the pistol against my head “Just put it down”

His eyes flicker between me and Bill, and I have to fight to not release a harsh exhale of relief as he lowers his gun to the ground.

“There you go Bill, all the guns are down, now let us talk to you eh?” Tommy negotiates, trying to sound as calm and gentle as he can. But I can see his palpating jaw. His tense body. The veins in his neck bulging from holding his breath. He is the furthest thing from calm.

For a moment I feel Bill’s grip loosen, and in my peripheral I can see the pistol fall away from my head as his arms falls to his side.

He’s letting his guard down.

I shut my eyes, taking a shaky breath in through my nose.

“You’re going to find them” he growls his orders at Tommy “And when you find them, I’m going to kill them”

“Bill…” Tommy shakes his head, trying to be as polite as possible “Bill I can’t let you do that. If you kill them, they’ll only send you to jail… just let us take care of it-“

“TAKE CARE OF IT!” He screams, and I can’t help a whimper from escaping my mouth “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY. BUT YOU DIDN’T-“

Tommy opens his mouth, to try and say anything that will calm him, appease him. But once bill has been set off, there is no taming the fire that is his rage. I should have known. There is no reasoning with a drunk man.

With a grieving man.

“No, no, this is your fault” I feel him nodding his head behind me as he points the gun at all of them “This is your fault, and you’re the ones who are going to fucking pay. YOU’RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING PAY”

His cry is the one of a final war cry, and I know what’s coming next.

The next moments of my life feel like they are in slow motion. Suddenly the barrel of the gun is pressed straight up against my head again as he shoves it against my temple. The last thing I see is Tommy, Polly, and Arthur lunging forward, all shouting and begging for Bill to stop before it’s to late.

This is it. This is the last thing I’m going to hear. The last thing I’m going to feel is the end of a pistol pressed again my skull, before I feel nothing at all. Please let it be painless.

A single gun shot fires into the atmosphere.

I expect nothingness. More black. Maybe heaven. Or hell. Though I’m not ever sure if I believed in God.

But I feel myself breathing, my chest still rising and falling. I hadn’t even realised I had squeezed my eyes shut when they shoot open to find myself still in the office.

I’m alive.

The first thing I see is Michael. His gun aimed not at me, but at where Bill had been standing.

It wasn’t Bill’s gun that fired. It was Michael’s.

Bill is dead.

Everything washes over me all at once. Relief. Horror. Fear. Adrenaline. My head is pounding, and entire body feels like I’m floating. Completely weak and empty. Not strong enough to stand, and having lost all feeling in my body, I feel myself collapsing to the floor.

Right before I hit the ground, I find myself falling right into a pair of arms. All noise is muffled, and I feel completely numb as I almost completely pass out for a moment. The only thing I can hear is the throbbing and pounding of my head. It’s not until I come back around moments later that I realise whose arms I’m in.

They’re familiar arms. Strong. Firm. I’ve felt this exact grip before. They way the seem to hold me together. I thought I had forgotten how they felt. But I still know them anywhere.

Michael.

He scoops me up with desperation, and I don’t know who is clinging on to who as he holds onto me like its his life that depends on it. The only thing stopping me from crashing to the floor is him. His arms has envelope me completely, engulfing me in like a safety net. Wrapping me up in a way that I’ve only ever experienced with Michael.

My body and mind still completely disoriented, I find myself only being able to cry. That’s the only thing that comes out. With my face buried in his chest, he holds the back of my head, pressing me so close to him I can barely even breath. But I don’t care. I’m alive.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, I’ve got you” He chants frantically against my ear, and I can’t tell who he is trying to calm down more. Me or himself.

Beneath his chest, I can hear his heart racing. It pounds loudly against my ear. His grip on me never lets up, he doesn’t budge whatsoever. He just holds me. Let’s me sob, staining through his shirt. Everything else fades out. Everything seems to go away. Not just Bill’s attack. It’s like the last few months haven’t even happened. Nothing else matters right now except for the fact that I’m in his arms.

I feel a pair of trembling hands on my face and when I look up I find my eyes opening into Michael’s. His eyes are wide, panic filled and pooling with tears. As we stare at one another, it’s almost like he can’t quite believe I’m in his arms right now. Even though it’s over now, he still has residue terror all over his face. I know he thought that he was about to lose me for good. Forever.

Up until now I’ve barely been able to take a full breath or even begin to stop hyperventilating. But something about the hold his eyes have on me begins to centre me. I feel myself being grounded. Like I’m coming back to my surroundings. Those serene blue eyes give me something to anchor to as the panic slowly but surely leaves my system.

Without even meaning to we find our foreheads pressed to each others, his grip on my face still firm.

“Look at me” his voice is barely a whisper, as it shakes, threatening to break completely “You’re safe”

Pulling me back into a hug, he grips onto me so tightly as if I’m going to disappear if he doesn’t. And I don’t want him to let go, because I feel like I might just break and crumble if I don’t have him holding all my pieces together.

TAGLIST

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