“Everything feels broken now, and it’s my fault.”
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“People make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you give up on them.”
gif 1: from season 4, episode 4. Buck tells his parents, “You gave up on both of us.”
gif 2: from season 5, episode 5. Eddie leans back in his chair and says, “You’re stuck with us.”
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#liar liar pants on fire
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Absolutely obsessed with how fast the firefam adopted Ravi into their family. Like he was on a different shift from them when he was introduced!
They really had (1) treasure hunt with him and he said “um I’m not really with them” and they all went “…..tf you’re not” and just like????? Brought him into the family??? They said you’re one of us now whether you want to or not please come to the graduation of Chim’s brother who you definitely don’t know and then fill in for Chimney and also you’re part of the family now.
Like rip to whatever squad was supposed to have Ravi in the first place because the firefam really swooped in and went
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That’s what the 118 is. The family we chose.
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last unhinged point for now....
i can't get over the fact that Buck was so sure he was to blame for Chimney leaving - for the team being a man-down, for Hen having to partner with Eddie - that he obviously never even mentioned it to any of them. it's only once he says he's transferring (!?!) that they all say; "actually Buck, we all spoke to Chimney individually before he went, we get it" & that information was offered up so freely too, no one was tiptoeing around it, they weren't glancing at each other first to see if they should say something, they just said it, because it was a fact.
Buck says to Taylor "it's like no one's even talking about him, they're just avoiding the subject, avoiding me," but really it was this self-fulfilling prophecy because everyone else wasn't avoiding the subject, they were trying to respect Buck who was so clearly avoiding the subject.
the way Hen knew straight away what was going on and why Buck was acting differently, even telling Ravi as much. the way that instead of just talking to Bobby or Hen or Eddie who he's so friggin' close to Buck just shuts down in work. the way he's so adamant in his own head that everyone else was blaming him and he didn't want confirmation of that, so instead he just withdrew and focused on ringing Chimney and Maddie over and over because he was trying to fix it - because if Chimney's home and Maddie's home then nobody has a reason to be mad at him anymore, right?
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9-1-1 | 5x05 (Peer Pressure)
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S05E05 » PEER PRESSURE
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the fact that bobby made what looks like lasagna (or at the very least SOME kind of traditional “family” dinner) which is canonically buck’s favorite in favor of ordering out mexican food…the entire 118 knows evan buckley! i’m mentally unwell abt it!! they KNOW where his head is at and made a conscious effort to pull him out of it like…they’re your FAMILY evan buckley!!! let them love you!!!
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buck’s race against time and himself in 5x05 ripped my heart out. he’s trying so hard to impart everything he learned as a probie to ravi and prevent ravi from making all the mistakes he made before his invisible string to the 118 unravels. he’s closing the loops and checking the metaphorical gear to ensure that his family will be safe even if he won’t be there to watch their backs and it’s killing him. buck’s been scooped out with a melon baller and his reserve energy is going into this. when ravi checks off his final requirement on the list and buck’s ready to go. he sees all the signs align, then it’s family dinner so he just lets go, only be told that everything he thinks he fucked up with chim and ruined for their family is a cruel mirage and that nobody is willing to let him transfer out because buck isn’t to blame and their little 118 family will be whole again. yeah, okay. this is fine. i’m fiiinnnee.
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Buck trying to tell the team he’s leaving, for the good of everyone, and them all being like “lmao no you’re not” and barely entertaining the idea for even a second is exactly the kind of firefam content I expect from the fifth season tbh
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"look, i know i got a great life...i just never feel like i can trust it.”
⇾ buck + rejection sensitivity dysphoria
gif 1: from season 3 episode 4. Buck stands in the middle of the firehouse as everyone else runs to respond to the alarm.
gif 2: Two gifs. The first gif is from season 3, episode 3. Eddie and Christopher make their way into Buck’s apartment after the tsunami. The second gif is from season 3, episode 4. Buck, Athena, and Bobby are sat around the Grant-Nash dining table. Bucks talks excitedly to them as Athena pours wine into his glass.
gif 3: from season 4 episode 5. In the locker room, Buck tells Chimney, “She just handed me keys to a car, sent me on my way so that I didn't mess up her life.”
gif 4: Two gifs, both from season 4 episode 5. The first is a flashback to 2012 of Maddie in the hospital, her face beaten. She tells Omar, “Evan should never know.” The second gif is in the present day of Maddie handing the stack of postcards to Buck.
gif 5: Three gifs, all from season 4 episode 12. The first is of Hen, Bobby, and Eddie moving from the couches to the kitchen in the firehouse loft after ending their conversation about the treasure hunt. The second is of Buck staying behind on the couch and looking down, upset. The third is of Buck saying, “At this point, I don’t trust anyone.”
gif 6: Two gifs, both from season 4 episode 12. In the first, the firefam stands by the fence overlooking the Los Angeles River. In the second, they are gathered around the Grant-Nash table for breakfast after the treasure hunt.
gif 7: from season 5 episode 5. Fidgeting slightly, Buck tells the others, “This place, and uh, you guys mean so much to me. Which is why, for the good of everyone, I’ve decided to put in for a transfer.”
gif 8: Two gifs, both from season 5 episode 5. In the first gif, Bobby tells Buck that Buck will be at the 118 where he belongs when Chim returns, and in the second gif Eddie smiles as he tells Buck that he’s stuck with them.
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"you guys are so weird"
I really want Ravi's parents/family to come visit the fire station to see where their son works. And we see how close they all are, and what a "normal", loving family Ravi has, with them all being proud of him.
And the rest of the firefam looking at them like "hmmm weird, first time that happens here".
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Buddie - 505 Dinner Meta
**I don't have many gifs for this post because I don’t make them myself. I'm sorry about that. The timestamps will hopefully make it easy to find the moments I'm referring to throughout the scene.
Dinner begins at 30:45 and lasts for about 3 minutes but SO MUCH happens in that short time, which is typical for 911, especially where Buddie is involved. I focus a lot on the on-screen and off-screen looks between Buck and Eddie as well as their dialogue. I mention Bobby, Hen, Maddie, Chim, and Ravi but I focus on Buddie of course. Here are my thoughts on the Firefam Dinner scene towards the end of 505.
31:19 to 31:22 Ravi asks if he's in Buck's seat. Eddie looks at Buck as he approaches the table, then at Ravi, and then looks toward the salad while laughing. Eddie's laugh here really stuck out to me. On the surface the laugh was probably just Eddie reacting to all the tension between Ravi and Buck during the shift but it also felt deeper than that, like an 'AS IF you could take Buck's seat at this table'.
31:33 to 32:34 Buck stops the meal to talk to everyone. As soon as he says there's something he wants to say to *all* of them and starts to take his seat next to Cap, he looks DIRECTLY at Eddie. His facial expression is so serious and sad. It seems to scream that of all of them, Eddie is the one he'll miss the most and Eddie is the one who he knows this news will hit the hardest.
31:35 to 31:37 Eddie looks up from the salad to listen to Buck. His face is so full of questioning compared to Hen who is also in the shot. It's so obvious that Hen is just listening and waiting to see what's what, but Eddie caught Buck's tone and is like, what exactly is this about my love? He and Buck really do talk a lot so it's clear from his face that he doesn't know what's coming and wants to know, preferably now.
Eddie then stops preparing the salad to give Buck his full attention. I really don't think Eddie likes that he does not know what this is about because he crosses his arms immediately and tilts his head to the side. He's not in focus on camera but he's back there feelin' some type of way about being in the dark on this. This seems meaningful because with others he tends to look open and attentive, waiting patiently when they start to share something. But with Buck they are in love close so he would have expected to be the first to know about something like this and he doesn't.
He's listening but part of me thinks he's not worried or taking it too seriously on some level because he knows that Buck would have actually talked to him FIRST if this was really going to amount to anything.
31:45 Buck says "you guys mean so much to me". Again he looks at Eddie FIRST, who is off camera, before then looking to Hen.
31:57 to 32:00 Eddie says "wait, what?" and looks genuinely caught off guard and mildly irritated. He then breaks eye contact with Buck to look at Hen, which underscores his confusion. He also starts with his 'well that's ridiculous' face which pretty much lasts for the rest of the conversation. Buck is looking at Eddie for this whole interaction, until just after he notes that "it's a lot of change". Buck's is clearly just as wounded by his decision to transfer as the rest of the Firefam. While he's looking at Eddie, his facial expression is begging Eddie to understand. It's the sweetest and saddest face ever. The camera is on Cap at that time but Buck's face while out of focus is still clearly visible.
32:08 to 32:10 Buck notes that Ravi is ready to fill his spot and the camera pans to Ravi and they chose to put Eddie in that frame, out of focus. We can still see that Eddie has his arms crossed still and is having NONE of it. His face is pure King Shit and I am not taking criticism at this time. Eddie is firmly in this-is-ridiculous-and-im-gonna say it territory. The camera then cuts back to only Ravi while he talks to Buck for a sec.
32:12 to 32:16 Ravi is confused and thinks Buck means Chim's spot. I know this is a Buddie post but I want to highlight Buck's laugh when Ravi thinks he means Chim's spot. Remember, Chim is family through the 118 AND Maddie. I think it's meaningful that he laughs because it has a 'that's adorable, but no' vibe. Eddie is the one he trusts to stand in Chim's place because like Chim, Eddie is family in at least two ways for Buck. Ravi is cool, but not family in the same way. Like at all.
32:16 to 32:19 Buck notes that Eddie is taking Chim's spot in his grand plan for his exit and Eddie thoughts written ALL OVER HIS FACE. He holds off on saying that's crazy and instead looks to Hen like 'is that okay with you because it's NOT okay with me'. the assumptions this beautiful idiot is making are K*LLING ME'.
32:20 to 32:22 When he says Ravi is replacing him, Buck has the sweetest little face. I think he thinks of himself the way he thinks of Ravi. An adorable fuck up who's learning and doing his best to be worthy. Oh Buck, you're hard on yourself sometimes but I forgive you.
32:23 to 32:30 Eddie asks "who replaces me". It feels like what others have noted...He was trying to make Buck laugh. He succeeded of course. I think Eddie wanted to diffuse the tension of the moment for Buck, and himself a little too. He didn't know what to expect from this conversation when it started and he felt it was a ridiculous proposal on Buck's part...but he also recognizes that Buck is a grown ass man who can make horrible decisions like the rest of us, especially when he's hurting. So, I don't think Eddie was seriously worried by this point in the conversation. He own bits of tension melted from here on. Also, hell yes, Eddie is irreplaceable in Buck's eyes. He left that to Cap to figure out in his half-baked plan to free his loved ones from the misery he feels he brings. I'm so glad the Firefam is helping him work through that nonsense.
Also, I think Eddie asked the question to show the holes in Buck's plan. To crack Buck's sense that they/Eddie could do this without him. The laughter created space for Cap to clarify some things and help Buck see that nobody is mad and nobody is blaming him. To that end, I think Bobby AND Eddie being at the heads of the table is important. They are the two main people in the scene managing/supporting Buck as he works through the feelings that caused him to start this conversation in the first place.
32:31 to 32:33 Eddie doesn't have a line here but LOOK AT HIS FACE. He uncrosses his arms, takes an exasperated breath, looks at the salad he'd like to eat now that this issue is mostly in hand, and leans back in his chair, processing. I know we joke that Eddie was totally unbothered during this scene but...while it's true that he's not melting down or taking the drama too seriously, he does have an emotional horse in this race!! We know that Buck and Eddie are bonded. They are super fucking close. Ride or die. That means WHEN BUCK IS IN HIS FEELINGS EDDIE IS TOO. He hid it fairly well during the dinner but he was taking Buck's temperature, ACTIVELY ASSESSING HOW CONCERNED HE ACTUALLY NEEDED TO BE. Eddie is a total King, and the King was handling his business: Buck. Buck is always Eddie's business.
32:38 Buck says that they don't know that Chim is coming back and the camera is on Buck and Bobby. (Bobby's face here made me lol.) Then the camera switches to just Buck over Eddie's shoulder (32:40)! There is no reason for that other than to capture Eddie shaking his head 'no' as Buck proceeds to blame himself for Chim being gone and everything not feeling the same without him.
32:43 We see Eddie looking so sad for Buck and also very aware that he's not wrong in terms of everything being changed and different. I think it's meaningful that Hen and Eddie are in the shot together. I know we don't have a ton of options here because they are a small team overall. But having Hen and Eddie seated this way shows that them being partnered at work now EMBODIES the issue that Buck is raising. Nothing is the same. He's not with Eddie and Hen is not with Chim. I also think it's meaningful that Eddie and Hen are not seated side-by-side. That's a partner thing and there are no true intact partnerships on the team anymore in this new (temporary) phase.
32:55 to 32:57 Eddie tells Buck that he told Chim that pursuing Maddie was "the right thing to do". Can we talk for a second about how big this is for Eddie. It's basically him confessing that he feels he should have gone after Sh*nnon, despite the shitshow that was their marriage. Even if Eddie is moving toward Buddie, I do believe he has some regrets about how things went down in his marriage and just before Sh*nnon died. Mostly because Eddie is conscientious and always trying to do what's right/expected of him, for better or worse. But that's a post for another day.
33:02 to 33:05 Everyone told Buck that they each had a part in encouraging Chim to leave to find Maddie, and after hearing them he just says "Oh". When he says that, you can see Eddie nodding like 'yeah, like I said, this isn't on you so stop with the guilt my love'. I just think it's so cool to see how differently invested Eddie is. Others are just explaining and sharing and telling him to chill. Eddie's nonverbals are SCREAMING for Buck to really hear them/him, stop spiraling, and eat your damn peas!! His struggle is Eddie's struggle. Eddie NEEDS Buck to be okay.
33:12 to 33:15 Here we get Eddie's famous line, "You're stuck with us." This line is everything y'all. It dovetails so sweetly with Cap's message that Buck belongs and has to stay with them. Eddie's facial expression when he says his line is also unbearably heartwarming. He brushes his hands together too like it's a true and done deal. No ifs ands or buts about it. Eddie looks adorably satisfied and final in his sentiment. His final gaze at Buck is a kingly request that Buck just accept and embrace his/their love for him.
Eddie's line gets at so many of Buck's fears and insecurities in a visceral way. Using the word stuck to show that Buck is joined to them/Eddie is an unbreakable bond and THAT BOND HOLDS even when Buck himself is trying to pull away because he feels guilty and unworthy. Eddie's words show that their bond is stronger than Buck's struggles and fears. They/Eddie cannot and will not leave him in his darkest hours and they/he will be there to celebrate and rejoice in Buck's highs too (like the promise of Maddie and Chim's return). Makes me wanna cry!!
Shortly thereafter they get ready to eat for real this time, and Ravi says that they are all weird. I'm like dude, you don't even know the half of it but this peculiar collection of weirdos is about to be your family too if you let them...now shut up and eat your dinner cuz.
Thanks for hanging in there with this long ass meta/commentary.
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Canon 911 constantly has me going like John Mulaney after he found out why the guy only had one arm but fanon 911 got me going like
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“The team feels off without Eddie” and “Nothing is the same without [Chimney] and everything feels broken” will keep me from ever knowing peace again.
So here’s two very painful experiences and Buck expresses guilt for both of these things so essentially he’s saying “the team feels off because I couldn’t protect him” and “I broke our family”.
Here’s where we have to stop and ask if Buck always “makes it about him”? The answer is yes and no. Yes in the sense that when bad things happen within their dynamic, Buck feels at fault most of the time. It is always about what he should have done differently or could have done better. You know why? Because he grew up in a family that led him to believe he wasn’t good enough, that he made constant mistakes, that he was the reason they were broken. Buck doesn’t believe the world revolves around him. This is Buck believing that his existence can negatively impact the way the world revolves at all …even without understanding why. [Thanks Mom and Dad]
And so it’s important to consider that even when he does make it about him, it’s not just about him. It’s in the I should have been there for you and Chris, I couldn’t protect him, I broke us. All this responsibility guilt he takes on for the state of their family dynamic is manifesting as selfishness when he’s really doing the exact thing Hen told Ravi in 5x05: trying to protect their family unit…even from himself.
And what hurts even more but is also beautiful storytelling? Buck’s perspective of the team being broken when one of them is injured, angry, or missing because of his belief ( that he’s never fully healed from) that this family he has only exists within the context of their job. Juxtaposed to the rest of the team’s calm and assured perspective that everything will be okay because they do understand that their family dynamic extends beyond the firehouse and they’ll always have each other no matter what.
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it is so heartbreaking to think about how with chimney leaving, the first place buck’s mind went to directly parallels his childhood situation with his parents
in his mind he failed to fix the situation (something he had no way of fixing) and he is the one at fault, he thinks the only possible explaination behind the firefam’s behavior is that they blame him for chimney leaving, for breaking their family which is exactly what he was made to feel by his parents who unconciously blamed him for not saving daniel, for not fixing something he was powerless to do so
it is such a heavy thing to think about because it doesn’t matter that buck is now physically free of them, he is in a caring, supporting environment where it has been proved time and time again that even if he makes mistakes he won’t be left behind, he is part of a family that loves him anyway. and still the ghosts of his parents and their actions and their words still haunt him and make him doubt his worth, they are still such a defining part of him
healing is not easy, it’s not rational and it’s also not a linear. it takes time, it takes ups and downs even in a space where security and safety is guaranteed and support and love is freely given
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Buck: *says he wants to transfer*
118 Fam: Oh that’s right, Eddie has The Shared Braincell right now...
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i’ve seen some takes about Bucks transfer conversation with people calling him annoying but i just wanna say Buck is going through a lot and it’s definitely reopening some old wounds from his childhood (and all we learned about in Buck Begins) so obviously he is going to overthink this and find what he thinks is the best course of action to support his other family (as Hen was saying) and i think it was really important that Buck did all that and got reassurance from the 118 about his importance among them because he really needed that to not fully fall apart in the face of so many issues hitting him back to back
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