#five fucking years without any of it

[captainjonnitkessler]

I truly, TRULY do not know how to say this, because the fact that I have to say it makes me feel like I am losing my grip on reality. But no, in the post-capitalistic anarchist utopia, I will not be relying on “autistic minecraft girlies” to be building inspectors because - and this may shock you - one of those occupations takes years of education in how to read and interpret hundreds of thousands of lines of regulations based on complicated math and physics that were the result of decades of tragedy and death, and the other one involves playing a children’s video game.

#i am begging this website. BEGGING it. to stop acting like building codes are state oppression #and please stop reducing blue collar jobs to 'so easy any handyman could do it with a youtube video' #that's how people fucking die #i didn't spend five years learning how to do my job safely to watch people online tell me it could've just been a course in high school #i know that this is like. a minority minority opinion and not really worth getting worked up over #but it's so annoying to see supposed leftists denigrating blue collar jobs like this #same poster also opined that we won't need garbagemen #because 'if the trash is bothering people they'll figure out a way to clean it without having to pick it up' #like what??? does that even fucking mean???? #construction

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

the loneliness and sadness that creeps into you in a way that only growing up queer can cause. your parents can accept you and still make you feel like an outsider. your parents can love you and still reject parts of you. that old-fashioned kind of love where they think trying to mold you, make you tough, is better for you. or that quiet status quo where you just don't talk. and where everyone is accepted, though some are more than others. generations and generations it's just been easier to let it slide. to let it be. not cause a fuss. but then we sit there with a knot in our chests all our lives wondering how it got there

#this is about #all of us strangers #ofc your experience of a piece of media is molded by your own perspective #and i have been thinking a lot about growing up queer and how it still fucking sucked #for me. ten. twenty years ago. fuck it even five years ago #it still sometimes sucks #because i was raised without any queer representation around me #i was trained to be straight and to desire straightness #and anything remotely queer was mocked and bullied and judged #i saw it done by others and done to others so much that it's hardly surprising i did everything i could to Not be that #and the fact that i had to grow up that way #and that i still wouldn't feel at ease bringing a partner to a family event #makes my heart ache so much #i am often on my own and going home doesn't bring me comfort #it's like harry describes #it's just how it went #my parents didn't mean to make it like that #my mom even thinks it's sad #but she doesn't understand how it came to be #and i don't know if i can turn it around #adam's imaginings of how his parents envelop him with love and acceptance in the end #was a dream #but a painful one #a dream where your parents suddenly say all the right things #and for him they only did so bc they're dead and he could imagine whatever he wanted #/and still/ he imagined his mom rejecting his sexuality at first #literally so disgusted she can't drink her tea #oooooofofffffff....... #i need to think some more #my posts

[fooltofancy]

had the longest, most honest conversation about belief with my dad today and on the one hand god is it exhausting because they've gone to such an insane place christianitywise, but also? the fuckin growth this man has gone through just to be able to have that conversation is so. it's not comforting, but god is it something to be able to have that conversation period without shouting and tears and just. walking away from it so unfulfilled every time.

#also. also! he fucking apologized for a lot of past things that i had resigned myself to him never acknowledging outside of my mom #she's apologized for him so many times but she knows that doesnt count and we all just. accept that. #but he did it! without prompting!!!!!!! #like very openly and honestly and without any accusation #and then we talked about my brother and why it's harder for them to have these conversations and he LISTENED #idk im stuck between so exhausted and frustrated because their worldview is just. so heartbreaking! #and also so proud because this man has not been able to acknowledge anything for twenty five years of my life #and he's listening and he's trying and it's so important #.... it's also probably because he believes his kids are going to hell. lmao. #but u know what i'll take it. #like. he wasn't a good dad. he wasn't and he's known it but instead of curling in on himself like his mom did and faking it he's trying #it's too late for a lot of things but it doesn't matter less for that #NOW. if we could get past the belief that the world is ending in less than ten years. that'd be neat.

[whywoulditho]

Kaiu Shirai really said: WOMEN.

#one of my favorite things about TPN is that it gives you so many strong female characters and doesn't sexualise any of them #we should really talk about this more #because i've been reading manga for over five years and this is the one and only shounen i've seen that has absolutely zero fan service #despite the fact that both the protagonist and the antagonist are female and there are many other important female characters #AND THE AUTHOR IS A MAN #A MAN WHO WRITES BADASS WOMEN WITHOUT SEXUALISING THEM #YOU WOULD THINK IT CAN'T BE THAT RARE BUT LET ME TELL YOU. IT IS. IT THAT IS RARE IN ANIME/MANGA #also ofc i cant finish this post without mentioning demizu's incredible art #what the fuck woman are you a goddess these are so pretty #i love and miss this manga with all my heart #there will never be another one like tpn #the promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #tpn #manga

[dazais-guardian-angel]

went to my first con in 4 years on Friday to meet Kaiji Tang and got a Dazai autograph + video recording of him reading to me. He was the sweetest person (as I knew he would be) and interacting with him was lovely, but also at the same time oh boy it sure was an extremely stressful, ugly wake-up call of what it feels like to live in a world now where everyone around you has blissfully moved on from covid and can enjoy things normally and happily, while you'll forever be trapped in a hellscape of perpetual fear 🫠🫠🫠

#like. to be clear this was the first time i've been literally anywhere but doctor's appointments in 4 years #not just because of the pandemic but because of mental and physical exhaustion #so it was a Big Mistake to go from 0 to 100 and not ease myself into it at all #but at the same time........ it was a fucking hellscape of people. i don't think any kind of buildup could have prepared me for it at all. #it was so much less crowded in 2020 (ironically the very last place i ever went; literally on the BRINK of covid) #and now idk what it's become. a monster con. it was unbelievable. #but i was only there for less than an hour but i was so so so terrified that i very nearly left before even seeing him #i couldn't even fully enjoy meeting him as kind as he was because i was so anxious and distracted #and when i got back to the car i just fucking cried......... #the last five days i've just been sitting in fear waiting to feel Any sort of symptoms #i wore two masks and again was barely there for long but Still #and everyone around me was so chill as if everything was normal and No One was wearing a mask :))))) it's not fucking fair man :))))) #insert the 'they don't know' meme; they don't know how much covid can destroy your body even if you get a 'mild' case #i would never want to be that ignorant even if i wasn't disabled and didn't have reason to worry (but everyone has reason to worry!!!) #but also. ignorance is bliss and it just really fucking sucks man. #it really fucking sucks. why do they get to be happy and enjoying life and not /me?/ #why can't i do just ONE thing for myself without having it tainted by anxiety and fear that i'm going to die horribly??? #while they get to do fucking EVERYTHING??? #if they all just wore masks we could all enjoy ourselves much more comfortably than some of us are now #but no that's too much to ask from people 🙃🙃🙃 #shit sucks man. the world sucks. something that should be a happy memory for me was simultaneously the most awful experience #and i don't know how to feel about it now that it's over #he knew that i was afraid and at the end he told me that he hoped to see me again at another event someday #and that made me cry because it felt like dazai telling me to live. and i want to. but i don't know how to when the world is like this now. #i desperately want to be able to see him again someday but right now after how terrifying that was i never want to go to a con ever again.. #i wanted to ask him things about the manga and about dazai but i was being rushed and stressed so i couldn't ugh #(and doing that is hard enough anyway cause disability and i have to talk with my phone bahhhh) #at least i was able to give him my note *sigh*

[dolokhoded]

the fact that people own ipads sounds fake to me

#🧅 #LIKE THAT IS 1000 DOLLARS AT LEAST #i've been saving up for seven years i am not kidding you and i havent managed to make that amount of money #and i keep saying that some day when i dont have exams and i dont have university i'll have the time to work an actual job that i;m not #called in once a month i might afford it but then i'll have pay bills so i still will not have that amount of money #technically for the next five years it's illegal for people to employ me because i'm in uni. which is. i'm a fucking idiot for signing up t #the university i got into this year without going and take exams again just so i can get student packs cause i dont even fucking use them #and i can't be legally employed. AND i've lost a year where i'm allowed student packs while i'll definitely need them when i ACTUALLY go to #university #i have zero money. well i have my savings but i am not fucking touching that ever because i'll move out next year and i'd like to not #actually have zero money #and like. greece is super based for free university and good on them. the way you get into said university is super fucked and impossible #bur whatever free university. BUT LIKE. why can i not work #not legally at least. i can still work and be payed without being officially hired but then than work won't count in any future subsidies #i'll definitely have because i literally wan to study theatre i'll be unemployed forever. #and i fucking hate it here #and this post was actually just meant to be about how expensive ipads are. but now its this whole rant.

[fionnaskyborn]

there's something to be said about the very specific feeling of frailty you feel when you come face to face with just how little you've experienced. twenty-odd years on planet earth and you haven't really watched all that many movies. an unlived life facing an uncertain future. i do not know where to point the finger of blame because i live untethered from my past, floating in the present with no clear point of reference no clear definition of who i am or what happened to me and how i turned out the way i am (fucking. can you guess why five is my favorite game. insert that one lyric from that one modest mouse song.) but you're still here, and you can still learn, and you can catch up, but it still feels like you're a pitiful little nobody looking for excuses trying to explain why you're still new to the whole being alive thing. i've got a good head on my shoulders, though, for all that's worth, so i think i might be fine.

in other news, i watched scarface tonight. it was certainly a movie. don't really understand how the movie made it big, but it did have some damn good music. i mean, i don't know. i'm still learning about the world i live in. maybe it really is as much of a masterpiece as people make it out to be and i'm too dumb to see the reason why it's considered a classic. maybe i'm right. i can't tell at the moment. it's kind of a beggars can't be choosers situation - if you ain't watched that many movies, then you can't really be a good judge of quality. but, oh, well. it's one more movie watched. it's a win because i watched a movie. and i'll watch more movies.

#i mean this extends to things like world politics also i'm still learning and i'm eager to learn beyond what i am offered but that doesn't #make the process any less fucking terrifying. like sure fuck yeah i'll be a big shot and do it alone and i'll be proud of myself but the #thing is i really really really don't know how to be alone without feeling empty #and it's funny because the thing i yearn for the most is to be free and to create myself and do things on my own and i can do that i've #learned how to be an adult very early on and people say ah you've yet to face the worst but every time they tell me that i tell them i can't #wait #but at the same time sometimes i sit and i wonder why i haven't watched that many movies. was there nobody to watch them with? could i have #asked? could things have been different? is it my fault for never having really wanted things or somebody else's? and i'll never really have #a clear answer to any of those questions or at least not anytime soon because my cranium is messed up and unreliable but i won't get the #answers anywhere else. shrugs. i've yet to start living a life. i don't know when i died but i do know but maybe that's just an idea and #maybe i've been dead all along until some point in the past two years but then what are all those memories i have where did they come from #why are they so far apart why do they feel mine and foreign at the same time. can you guess who my favorite mg character is. #well okay i have like what four or five of those but read the text again and think really really hard about it. i'm just kidding i'm goofing #around at this point. i mean no not really but i am smiling about it. :] #logs

[sakebytheriver]

When someone ends a friendship with you and they clearly think you're the toxic one and they were the innocent that never did anything wrong, while you were the bitch that had to constantly over apologize for the smallest thing or else they'd end the friendship and the way they end it is through one text message where they hit you with a 'im done with second chances' whereas you ate so much shit with a grin on your face and the concept of 'chances' in friendships in general never occurred to you and now as you go back over the friendship you realize how onesided everything was and how much work you put in to receive absolutely nothing back and how you got so lost in the toxicity of it all and just how bad a friend they actually were and now you regret saying you'd 'fight for this friendship' because ultimately they were not your friend the same way you were theirs 🙃

#ignore me #personal #five years of friendship ended in one text message #and now as i go over everything #im like wow #what a bad friend #insecure immature child who could never accept a dollop of blame and could never have a confrontation face to face #like the longer i look at it the more exhausted i feel #ive felt for months like i was waiting for this moment #like she was just waiting for me to screw up so she could hit me with that fucking 'im done with second chances' #like fuck you bro #do you know how 'second chances' i had to give you without ever once brining it up to you #chronic insecurity mixed with her inability to handle confrontation and any kind of negative emotion #meant i had to be perfect or else i would get cut off #the way i told my therapist about it and she was like friendship shouldnt feel like youre on probation #and i was like omg thats exactly what it was #i was on probation for fucking months and i couldnt be a human being and mess up or else shed be ready to end everything #like i really did feel so on edge and like i had to walk on eggshells with her #and its like weve known each other for 5 years #it shouldnt feel like this #and shes going to go through her life thinking that i was the problem and that it was me who was the toxic one who couldnt change enough to #be her firend which is just the most frustrating part of it all #like im not a petty enough person to go and text her all of my grievances and make her feel like shit for how she did me dirty #but if i could go back in time i wouldnt say i wish i could change her mind #id tell her that i worked so hard to be perfect for her and she never once put in the same effort for me and that im sorry i wasted so much #of my life on trying to be her friend when it was obvious she didnt want to try and be mine

[david-watts]

I want to off myself

#seriously might've had time had I not been afraid of being beaten up by a fucking eighty-five year old #and she would've. last time she screamed at me like that she did hit me. #now? it seems silly #but hah. #she spent all the way from when I was about eleven (combined with my m*ther) forcing me to dress too formal going places #like impractical and not classy. #and then the second that I actually want to wear something fun to a special event that hey I may never get to see another concert again #no. wear your disgusting jeans that you wear everywhere. #like she actually said that I should wear my jeans and the next thing she said to me was 'those are disgusting' #and now I feel stupid for wanting to wear something different. just like she has been calling me all week #stupid stupid stupid #just wear what you wear everywhere because you don't have an actual wardrobe and can't find any of your clothes #and because you're a fat ugly bitch you need to feel bad about yourself #hell I'm in trouble for wanting CLEAN clothes. #hell I didn't really even think I'd have to finish these but if every. fucking. retailer. we could think of doesn't have anything #that I can fucking wear without fucking feeling actual pain #I doubt anywhere we haven't thought of will! I mean sure it's possible but

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

Hi what do you do if you don’t like someone but they think you’re friends and talk to you like you’re friends and can’t take a hint

#he’s too fucking needy and all he does is take and take and take #and I don’t have any love left for him #and I don’t know how to say that in a nice way #there are strangers who I’ve had five min conversations with #and I’ve gained more out of those ‘relationships’ than I have in this one in a whole year #like. I just Cannot deal with him he’s fucking horrible for my mental health #I’m sorry he’s going through stuff. I’m sick of being there for him when hes never there for me #and now he’s sending me ten pics of his hair and being like ‘which one is best’ and Buddy. we are not Friends #like it’s a silly silly little thing and I am replying because I don’t want to be rude but we’re not friends #and I don’t know how to convey that without being cruel #I didn’t talk to him for like several months until yesterdya #and he talked about how he missed me and wanted to hang out more #and I don’t Want To I’ve moved on to people who actually add value to my life and don’t use me constantly #like thank u for liking my personality! I Cannot reciprocate. sorry Buddy #I do have so much love to give but just not for him #but then I feel bad because IM also so fucking needy all the time. do people feel the same way about me and just don’t tell me #because it’s too much of an inconvenience to hurt my feelings because they can’t get away from me?? idk #I think me and him are similar and every time I say that Evan goes 🤔🤔 but idkkk #everyone else says we’re very different and I’m not annoying in the way he is #but ugh. #one day I’m going to be SO secure in every single one of my relationships. one day soon

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

#purrs #and posting online abt it so i get immediate validation / support instead of asking for help from anyone im close to i know. but god fucking #damn it to hell. ok im going to be candid about this because it hurts so fucking bad. five years ago i met someone so important to me. and I #miss her so so so so much. and every space here i have a memory with her in. and she left in July and she’s gone. and im sobbing my eyes out #FOR WHY because it was over 6 months ago and im happier and she’s happier and we’re all happier. but i think im getting some aftershocks #being here for the first time without her exactly 5 years to the week we met: when she was so important to me. she was the whole reason i #even saw myself as something. and she’s fucking gone. she left. but she’s not dead like LMAO idk why im crying so hard when i could just #text her any time and tell her that i miss her. but idk. it’s just everything is stirring memories and they’re painful to think about now or #at least today because she’s gone and it all changed. i was just saying that i feel like im not having any emotions and tonight the grief ju #just rammed into me like a train and my fucking counselor sucks ass and won’t even help me work through it and everyone is busy and tired an #and im a staff coach so im not supposed to be having a fuckjng mental breakdown over **** pacing around in my bathroom at 1:23am but ive be #been thinking about her so much and remembering all the formative interactions i had with her here and missing her so much i want to explode #and die and p*ke and whatever. so stupid to cry about it but i fucking miss her. and i hate that she’s not here. and i’m trying so hard to b #be her but i have to be me but i can’t not have what she brought here and im just crashi ng and burning and can’t be honest and im having a #breakdown and crying so hard and i don’t know what to do. i ithink i’ll be fine after some sleep and reflection but my heart is like seizing #on itself right now and nothing takes my mind off it and i just keep crying LMFAOOOOOO. i hate it here #delete later #like how can you look at me like that and then fuck off to ****** 4.5 years later. you know? im about to punch a hole into the hallway #and i have to be quiet bc ppl are trying to sleep but it’s making me fucking crazy. #retreat tag

[zenmai--jikake--no--komoriuta]

hrlfnsdfcndsbl I don't want to go to work today..... "enjoy your quiet week" they said on christmas eve, sike, it's been really fucking busy ever since and the store's a complete mess and we're out of everything and there's no time to restock or do dishes or even have a fucking drink of water............. I stayed back half an hour on boxing day because we were getting overrun during shift handover, came in an hour early on tuesday to cover a sick teammate, lost my fucking day off and had to work the evening shift last night because of another sick teammate (in the 3 customer-facing hours I had I think I got a combined total of <5 minutes to do anything except serve a literally endless stream of people), back in again tonight with a worse team on and then again tomorrow morning, meanwhile the rest of out staff have all gotten to have at least one day off in all of this and I'm the only dumbass stuck working it all... and then I have one day of rest on sunday and then back in again new years' day and the next...

#i'm so tired #I woke up at 7am yesterday to get to the shops for some flowers for mum and then got home at 11pm after work #have barely gotten to eat anything in all of this #I'm about to go apeshit if any customer starts acting up again today I swear... some real fuckos this past week and I'm done with it #we're not allowed to stop drinks early but we had no packup done and had to stop taking orders 20mins before close last night #and of course we had like five people getting really angry that they can't have their fucking late-night lrg mocha almond 90 degrees or w/e #we ran out of chocolate twice with tons of drinks and no time to make more so we had to stop service midway twice anyway #I coulnd't even wash a single milkshake jug without being accosted by another customer as soon as I turned to the sink #I quite literally got nothing done except serve people endlessly for 3 hours straight without a break... I won't be surprised if I lose my- #-voice after having to shout over the sound of blenders and machinery and a packed store for five days in a row #fuck this honestly #I said I wouldn't do it again this year and once again I find myself stuck doing it anyway... nobody gives a damn if they're not the ones- #-suffering to work it #rant #kate being trash

[july-19th-club]

infuriated outraged upset boss in the building on a saturday . at the DESK on a saturday. observed and overseen . in the panopticon and i dont even have a little coffee drink

#it's not a big deal it's JUST. that this was the one time i was actually looking forward to having the desk alone all day #brought some crocheting in case it was slow #was going to alternate between Something Fun and Something Work (have to do my donations list again) #and now i can't even do sommething fun in between. because i only bring crochet on days when i have the desk alone #and it's like. we had performance reviews in august. and mine was very harsh and critical UNTIL i told him like #what a year it's been for me mental health wise and hten he was like ok well disregard all that stuff i said on the first review #but i can't. because it was so very 'lazy unmotivated not present slacking off not interested in your job' and it was a) humiliating #b) terrifying #because it's true! i dont like my job a lot of the time it's tedious! and i get frusturated easily! and some of that has to do w #my mental health. but some of it is just true #and it's humiliating to have your flaws pointed out to you by someone who has the power to fire you #like im aware of what you DID think about me before i gave you some sob story about how hard my life is #so essentially that is what you actually think. that's the important part . is what you were GOING to say #we were friends for like three years and i guess i was naive to assume that things could stay the same like #after he got the director's job #like you just can't go for drinks with a person who has the power to scold you like a child #and maybe i'm the one being pissy and immature. i know i am. i should be grateful to have a job at all #but i just do not take criticism well and so ive just realized that i can't spend any time around him longer than five minutes #without feeling infuriated and impotent and fucking WATCHED #like i'm being dramatic whatever. i'm just being dramatic. but i used to be able to relax and complain about work w this guy #and now i can't. and it's both sad and makes me anxious

[wintersoldeer]

i hope everyone who watches videos in public without headphones drops their phone into a puddle and when they go to pick it up they accidentally step too far into said puddle so their shoes and socks get all wet and when theyre worrying about that they drop their phone again and this time the screen cracks 

#seems like e v e r y t i m e nowadays there someone in the train too near me watching tiktok or whatever and i dont fucking want to hear it #also i think i lost my own headphones or maybe left them at work #they were my backup headphones that i bought bc i lost my headphones or maybe left them at my parents’ #also my hands still smell like salmon despite washing them like three or five times i cant wait to take an actual shower #small annoyances that ill probably forget the minute i step out of this train but until then fuck everyone who watches videos in public #without headphones and double fuck everyone who watches videos in public without headphones and feeds their dog salmon treats #also fuck me for being so... like this. with headphones and keeping them not lost do ireally need to go buy new ones a g a i n #i say #ok instead of posting i just saved this as draft bc habit so in that time ive gotten off the train and bought some shitty cheapo headphones #from tiger (which i know are shitty bc i went through like three of them in like a week some years ago and if they were shit then theyre #probably worse now. they dont even have any fun colours anymore...) and i instantly feel better #gonna go take that shower now and hopefully finally wash away any lingering dog food stink thank god its friday etc etc etc #//edit 2days later ha found my headphones!! (not the fun pink ones that i still hipe are somewhere back home but the boring gray backup ones #that i was afraid i left in the pocket of my work pants that i threw in the laundry box. i didnt! theyre safe!!)

[pinkvitaminwater]

Most of the time I love having a leadership position at my school. It's great, we do really cool things, and we have a lot of fun! But every now and again I have to be the leader™️ and take on an uncomfortable job and have to confront someone over some fucking bullshit and God I fucking hate it.

Why did I do this??? Who the fuck put me in charge???

Sending one email that's a tad confrontational makes me want to vomit. I have a literal puke bucket next to me. I've been pacing all fucking night avoiding this one goddamn email I have to send.

#to any diety above PLEASE send me a crumb of strength #like jesus can take the wheel AND the keyboard #i don't want to do it #and no it won't be better after i just get it over woth because i KNOW there's going to be an immediate response #and no matter how nice i am they're going to be super bitchy #for the record this person is absolutely wrong about everything #and they're being a real bitch about it #i went all of highschool without getting roped into other people's stupid petty drama #im 26 and a senior in college HOW IM STUCK WITH THIS NOW??? #im wayyy too fucking old for this shit #this is why i don't talk to first years they have too much drama and half of them drop anyway #like y'all are in your FIRST year out of FIVE in the smallest college program on the Eastern Seaboard #why are you starting shit with each other??? #dont you have homework to do??? #when i was in first year i was so busy and so stressed barely talked to three people and i was pulling so many all nighters #why did they rope me into this stupid shitttttt and except me to be on their fucking side #is just juvenile and meanspirited #they got me stressed and we're literally in the middle of finals #i dont have the time or energy for this #anyway thanks for listening to my rant

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Guessssss what time it is??

7am

Guess who's still awake?

Me

Guess who has to feed their dog in two hours, and get ready for work in five hours?

Me

And guess who has to have a camp meeting directly after their work shift? And has to actually be coherent and make a schedule and discuss their ideas and needs for the summer?

Yeah you probs got it

Guess who won't be coherent for it?

Yeah

#i just feel like shit in my brain rn #i tried to start a new knitting project but the yarn was not cooperating so its just strewn all over my floor #ive played a lot of minecraft #i started watching the unsleeping city. i fucking love it so far #and noe im watching a youtuber react th five seconds flat by lizzy mcalpine #oh yeah i listened to that whole album earlier #after googling an ex to see how happy and successful she is without me #im moving in june. i just finished unpacking from when i moved in August #i think moving actually kills a part of your soul every time you do it #i lived in michigan most of my life. then moved to illinois when i turned 18 #then a year and a half later i moved to wisconsin #now ive moved far far away from there. but it hasnt gone well. i moved in with my sibling #but i was only able to get a part time job. so im living paycheck to paycheck. incredibly not doing well #i dont like the environment here. the people are not the way that im used to #like im used to midwest nice. but here people are threatening to stab each other on the subway. its not ideal #there werent any fall colors. its only snowed twice. its just not for me. but i still did a lot of work to get here #i left everything i was used to. all of my friends. i cant remember where i was goinf with this #but my sibling and i are both struggling. so we decided to move back in with our parents for a year to save up #we're going to put what we used to pay in rent into a savings account for a down payment on a house #but right after finally unpacking i have to pack everything up again and rush back home #im just tired. so exhausted. mentally and physically. physically its gonna hit in the middle of my shift #mentally its been hitting every damn day. and i cant remember the last time i felt happy without also feeling #depressed or anxious or uncomfortable or unwanted or out of place #want to know whats happened so far? learned my best friend fucked my ex and now its not the same anymore #got a terrible ear infection. got bronchitis. one of the few friends i made moved out of the country #learned im not a beneficiary in my moms life insurance but my siblings are. learned my grandpa got engaged but he never told me #learned my parents bought a plot of land but they never told me. i think people just forget about me. or dont care that im here #i decided im gonna go no contact with my parents and grandpa after the year of living with them cuz i dont deserve this shit #anyway bye