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blueberry-beanie · 7 months

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Dota at Steintor-Varieté, Halle a.d. Saale | 20th September 2023 | photos by me

Read about a wonderfully chaotic concert with Dota and her band below. I've divided the text into sections so you can skip right to the main part.

Reunion with an old friend

Often when I go to concerts, I'm going on my own. This time, I went with someone special: An old school friend of mine, Christina, whom I haven't seen for seven years. We stayed in contact just a little bit and a few months ago realised that now we don't live as far away from each other anymore. So I asked her if she wanted to come to the Dota concert with me and she agreed.

So shortly after 3pm after a bit of an odyssey with Deutsche Bahn, I arrived at the train station in Halle. I immediately recognised her on the platform, we hugged and were overall overjoyed to see each other again. It was as if we had never parted and we instantly found many topics to discuss while taking the tram back to her place. We stopped by a supermarket to get some food for the evening and breakfast.

Christina's apartment block is a construction site at the moment because they are modernising the entire building. But her flat was small and homely and we dropped off our stuff there before taking the tram back to a restaurant that served tasty bowls and home-made lemonades.

We talked so much about our studies (she studies something like sociology and political science and will be working on her master thesis next year), our common friends, concerts and festivals and many political topics that are important at the moment. It's very refreshing to talk to someone so knowledgeable and engaged in politics and general developments in Germany. We discovered that we both like satire shows (she has even been in the heute show audience once!) and Christina immediately wanted to come to Munich with me to see Die Anstalt (sadly, tickets are sold out). Funnily, I know Dota from Die Anstalt, because she performed her song Grenzen there back in 2018! So everything fits together, afterall.

Then it was already almost 6pm and time to head over to the Steintor-Varieté where the concert would take place. There were only three elderly people already at the doors so we decided to go on a walk around the block. The location was directly next to Christina's university campus with the library, café and some offices just on the other side of the building. So we already saw them setting up the merch stand from the window on the back. We walked around some more before they opened the doors around 7pm. As we were one of the first people, we got the best seats in the front row, right in the middle. Now it was time to wait and chat a bit more until the concert would start.

A tribute to Mascha Kaléko

There was actually no support act - at around 8pm Dota and her band appeared on stage. They started out with some very quiet and contemplative songs. The tour is dedicated to their album with musical interpretations of Mascha Kaléko's poetry. Mascha Kaléko was a German-Jewish poet born in 1907. In September 1938 Kaléko emigrated to New York City together with her second husband, Chemjo Vinaver. Her poetry is witty and very precise, describing daily life of ordinary people as well as offering a look on society during that time. Dota has been given a book of her poetry many years ago after a concert and started making the texts into music.

In between songs she often stopped to explain the background of a certain piece or recite another poem. It was at times funny and amusing (like one poem about the role of the women as an artist's muse) and sometimes very moving to hear about personal events in her life as well as feeling at home nowhere and being the outsider wherever she went.

A chaotic-good concert

The band had a difficult time that evening because one member got sick unexpectedly and they had to find other ways of dealing with this. The woman who played the thrombone also sang lovely backing vocals. At one point their drummer Janis Görlich came to the front to sing a duet with Dota as well. They were however unlucky because if the general improvisation wasn't enough, Jan Rohrbach's guitar string broke. They had no roadies and no spare so he went to change it. Dota decided to play a few songs by herself to keep us entertained.

Later Dota realised that we haven't been told there will be a break and sent us off for a few minutes. After the break they continued with a few more songs with poetry before switching over to their own songs. Dota was once again on her own and presented a few unreleased gems she has written for the next album. One was especially funny: A song about seeing all sorts of viral content on tik tok and trying to create some herself while secretly thinking all of this isn't as funny and cool as it is said to be. The whole audience was laughing about this and the mood really improved after a rather serious and quiet first part of the concert.

Then they played a few older songs, including Sommer für Sommer and Wir rufen dich Galaktika, a song from their previous album about wanting a superhuman being to rescue us from the mess we've made as humanity. At that point everyone stood up and started dancing and singing. We got an encore with Bademeister*in - a very witty song that praises the job of swimming pool attendants, both male and female. Then another song, Für die Sterne, about a guy who refuses to conform to other's expectations and lives freely for the sake of experiencing and enjoying life. Because the audience was really enthusiastic they even came out for a second encore, playing another very funny song, Rennrad.

After their very final bow, the older guy next to us, whom we already met in front of the door earlier, already wanted to take the setlist. This one time in my life I was faster and got to it first. Yay! My first setlist I got from a main act. I am not even sure how true this setlist is, given the many improvised passages that evening. It even has something crossed out and written further down. And it has a back side too! We let the other guy take photos of the setlist and then slowly went to the entrance hall where the merch stand was.

At the merch stand

There were really many people at the merch stand wanting to buy vinyls, t-shirts, posters and tote bags. To my delight they also had CDs so I decided to buy the previous album which I didn't have yet. Then I saw they had a few markers lying around - and sure enough, shortly after Dota appeared to help selling and signing things. When it was my turn I said "Hi! I got your setlist! Would you sign it for me?" She agreed and signed it with the date, and I managed to thank her for the great concert and reassure her it was a good kind of chaos that was a lot of fun.

There were a few elderly women who were quite impertinent and shoved others aside to be first. I stood there quite patiently to pay for the album when one of them grabbed the CD for herself and also wanted to have it signed but couldn't open it. I helped her to open the packaging when she decided that this was the wrong album afterall. Dota asked if someone else wanted it and I said, yes me, please! Then I proceeded to help that woman with a second CD and she got it signed for a friend of hers before it was my turn for signing again. So now I have a personally signed album as well. I thanked Dota again and got myself out of that crowd. Christina did not want to get anything and waited for me where it was a bit less crowded.

Evening conversations and a sunny morning

Christina and I wandered to the market to take the next tram. We talked about the concert and agreed that it was a great experience for both of us with many moving and funny moments. Our conversations kept wandering to topics of media, journalism and politics the whole evening. Curiously both of our studies overlap in quite a few aspects and we really click with our views and interests. As we arrived at home we drank tea and had some snacks. It got really late, around 2am, as we had conversations about anything and everything. Sadly the construction workers didn't let us sleep in peace as they started drilling the walls at 7 in the morning.

After a relaxed breakfast Christina had to get ready for a conference and we took the tram back into the city. We parted with many hugs and promises to see each other soon, maybe in November when I have the whole flat for myself or for a comedy show. It was a sunny morning at the market place, and I decided to wander around a bit before going home. They have a huge book shop I got stuck at for quite a bit and a big organic grocery shop. I also wandered through the small but lovely park. Then my backback got heavy and the sun was too strong. Around 28 degrees in September without a cloud in the sky - thank you, climate change, I guess. I was very tired, actually, and fought not to fall asleep in the hot, crowded train. It felt good to be at home again - and there were some photos to edit and some new songs to listen to as well...

Dear Dota and dear Christina, thank you for the wonderful adventures in Halle. Hopefully we get to repeat this experience again soon!

#dota #dota kehr #my concerts #my photo #dota halle

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tymime · 1 year

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For the past few years I've been taking a deep dive into various alternative genres, especially shoegaze and emo.

I initially became interested in that spectrum of rock music in my late teens (circa 2007-09), when I suddenly became aware of the type of music I had been hearing in Hot Topic and Vans Shoes stores- the latter of which is still an association I make to this day. I had also been hearing pop punk like Green Day and the recent wave of garage rock, especially since I had become a White Stripes fan a few years prior.

This stuff was very different from the classic rock I had grown up listening to on the car radio- the likes of Led Zeppelin, The Who, Boston, Queen, and Journey, as well as occasional prog tunes by Yes and Rush. (Full disclosure: 1960s and 1970s rock and pop is still my favorite kind of music, but I like to broaden my horizons.) I'm not entirely sure when and where I had first encountered alt rock- I had heard "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and Weird Al's "Angry White Boy Polka", but other than that, all I can figure is that it was just... around. I couldn't tell you exactly what drew me to it in the first place, either. Maybe it was just different from the blond divas and boy bands everyone else my age was listening to.

I get the impression that people my age (and skin color) are expected to have already gone through a depressed, whiny thirteen-year-old phase of blasting My Chemical Romance and Jimmy Eats World in their bedroom, but that never happened to me. It's not that middle school wasn't harrowing and traumatizing, but rebelling against my parents was never an option, because I always thought they were pretty cool. I was actually listening to *more* classic rock in middle school, as well as 1950s rock 'n' roll. In hindsight, I was probably hopped up on adrenaline rather than moping. (My angsty, dark period was 18-20, and I'm not entirely sure why.)

When I did initially dip my toe into alternative, it was alongside my discovery of Christian extreme metal bands, and great many other genres, which kept me pretty busy. So it wasn't until about four years ago (once streaming music was firmly established) that I decided to really sit down and listen to these 1990s bands that lots of people keep saying are great and "defined my generation", so I feel like I'm catching up on all of it.

This was kinda the culmination of that period of my life when my guitar amp was broken and I could only play unplugged (before I discovered amp sims). I couldn't rely on merely crunching power chords and wailing minor pentatonic scales whilst masking my lack of ability and talent by cranking the gain and the EQ all the way up to ten the whole time. I had to keep from getting bored by fooling around with weird scales, modes, and strange harmonies. I think that's one of the big reasons I like emo and shoegaze in particular, 'cause those genres tend to employ interesting, colorful chords (although the music theory and power pop sides of my brain tend to cause an internal conflict of wanting more satisfying, unambiguous cadences). Just like the rock groups of three decades ago, I had grown weary of simply playing blues licks. It's almost like history repeating itself.

But something that's perhaps more meaningful is the vocal style. I find myself refreshed by the unembellished, unintimidating singing. I was never a fan of the big, over-the-top singers in pop, r&b, or even the types who sing sappy ballads like "Alfie" or "Hallelujah", with their perfect technique, dynamic breath control, and so-called expressiveness. They always screw with the melody, sing offbeat, ignore the backing band, and leave me feeling empty and emotionless. The way singers in grunge, Midwest emo, metalcore, slowcore, etc. express weariness, anxiety, quiet contemplation, self reflection, rage, sleepiness, ennui, self-doubt, or what have you unlike any musical movement before it is incredibly inspiring, and makes me feel like I don't always have to blast the eardrums of the people sitting in the back seats of the auditorium to convey the meaning of the words. I've discovered that not all emotions in rock music have to be extreme. This is especially true now that I'm an adult and I feel the urge to slow down and mellow out, probably due to waning adrenaline levels, and I rely less on loud, fast, energetic music to keep my spirits up.

That said, I still wind up defaulting back to 1960s and 1970s music after an album or two. So I still seek to strike a balance between the two.

(I suppose by now you might be wondering what my favorite bands under the alternative umbrella are. Well, so far I've been most impressed by Nirvana, Weezer, Pavement, Sunny Day Real Estate, Cursive, Snowing, Algernon Cadwallader, Bedhead, Duster, My Bloody Valentine, Lush, Slowdive, and Ringo Deathstarr.)

#alternative #alternative rock #alt rock #music #emo #shoegaze #midwest emo #pop punk #screamo #metalcore #classic rock

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by-kilian · 11 months

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Hello!! I hope you're having a pleasant day!~ For the ask game, I was wondering whether I could hear your answers for 1, 4, 69, and 73?

Hey love! It's so nice to hear from you, I hope you also had a wonderful day! ❤️😘 HAPPY to answer 🤗 below the cut!

do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

It's a little bit of both actually. I often know exactly how I want my stories to end because I know the story I want to tell. However, I never know exactly how it will happen and that's the exciting part. I often plan and have what I *think* is the best road to the ending when I first outline a story. But as I write more and my characters grow and things happen, oftentimes things change or get scrapped but for the better. I actually recently discovered that my process is not unlike Neil Gaiman's in which he describes it as taking a roadtrip from Miami to Seattle. You know where you're headed but you have no idea what is truly in store for you along the way. I hope that makes sense!

4. what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

Ohhh....I can't share. 😭😭😭 LMFAO. Because some of them may come out. They may never come out. I don't know. But I think I mentioned before that I have a habit of sitting on stories for literal years before they come to fruition. They sit in my notes as ideas. And idk I just like to let stories marinate because plot bunnies to me never come as ideas for one-shots, they come as ideas for ideally long stories or stories that at least take more than one chapter to tell. "Open Door" was actually one of these plot bunnies that became an official story just recently. I had wanted to write a story about Erwin trying to mend things with a wife whom he had either already gotten a divorce from or was in the middle of divorcing, but never quite liked it until a few tweaks recently. That sink scene? Sat on that for years. Back to the question though, I prefer to sit on plot bunnies because it happens quite often where I sometimes just like them in that moment. If I revisit it and scrap it, I know I was never that invested in it anyway. On the flip side, if I revisit it and still like it and want to keep fleshing it out or even if I just like to read it and enjoy its basic premise, I know it's a story I still want to tell. And maybe—if we want to wax poetic here—need to tell. I know why I haven't written any of them yet however, and it's just honestly a matter of not having enough time. I don't know if you can tell but I really like to devote myself to every single long-ish story I write. When I feel spread thin with just other things in life, I prefer to keep my writing to one project with occasional one-shots on the side to keep things fresh. I don't experience existential dread over it though because if it's a story I am meant to tell, I will tell it when I'm supposed to. Or it can fly away to another owner and I'm quite content with that too.

69. how do you write emotional scenes? do you ever feel what the characters feel?

I utilize music when I write emotional scenes. It may sound cheesy but it's almost like being a composer scoring for a movie, or being a film editor and choosing juuuuust the right song for the right scene. I actually had a mini assignment to do stuff like this when I took film in high school. We had to take scenes from a movie we liked and pick the *perfect* song for it, and I had such a fun time with it. I picked "The Notebook" and the scene where Allie and Noah lie on the road with each other and giggle and fall in love, and chose the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. So oftentimes when I picture scenes, especially emotional scenes, I picture it with music as if you're watching a movie or a TV show. I will loop it 100 times if needed, until the scene is completed and written fully. As for do I ever feel what the characters feel, ALL THE TIME. I've mentioned before that I don't write a single emotionally sad scene for my characters without crying myself. Because honestly if I want to evoke any kind of emotion out of anyone else, I think I have to first do it to myself.

73. how do you visualize scenes? do you see it like a movie in your head, or do the words just flow?

I see it like a movie in my head and then the words flow. ❤️

Thank you for sending in your questions!! I appreciate it <3

#asks #ask games #kw writing questions

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mooifyourecows · 1 year

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moo there’s so much to share !!!

first of all, spotify wrapped is out and the amount of joy brought to me by looking at yours is unmatchable. ALSO i don’t use spotify so mine isn’t annual BUT i checked my apple music replay today and i think it is so telling so i will put some pictures! (also for top artists my fifth is matt maeson but i messed up my picture because i was in class and distracted)

also !! thanksgiving !! saw that you made your dinner high and i think that is so fun , and glad you didn’t get hurt or anything ! i’m so spacey already i can’t imagine cooking while inebriated (does inebriated work for things other than alcohol? would intoxicated be the right word? i’ve always thought of it as intoxicated as drunk and inebriated as high)

thanksgiving was super fun this year , and i also cooked thanksgiving dinner ! not all of it of course , but i helped with everything but the turkey and did a couple things myself ! made the casseroles and stuffing and made pumpkin cheesecake and the pie filling for the pumpkin pie ! then the other stuff we made , mashed potatoes , sweet potatoes , and brussel sprouts that i helped with all of and we also made pecan pie and cornbread stuffing and greens and stuffed mushrooms. the desserts we made were a tart with maple custard pecan crust and apple roses (left) pumpkin cheesecake (middle left) pecan pie (middle right) and pumpkin pie (right) super proud of them

and i forgot everything else i wanted to say but i am also doing very well in school !! lowest grade is 87 (and a 17 but i am working on it i just have a very big missing assignment) and i am looking into colleges and majors and what colleges are good for each major so hopefully i can find some cool places to look into more !

i hope you’re doing well and enjoying the beginning of the holiday season !!

Matt Maeson and Bon Iver = great taste

(I don't listen to enough of mitski or loona to be able to tell if that = great taste but i assume it does)

i think inebriated is mostly used for drunk but i get you 👉 though in my experience, cooking while drunk is more dangerous than cooking while high. when i'm drunk, my pain tolerance gets too high and i'm way too off center so i am pretty much guaranteed to burn or cut myself. usually burn. i think i've burned myself on the stove or oven every single time i've drunk cooked. and i usually don't realize how bad it is until the next day so that's no bueno! don't drink and cook, unless you are not using harmful tools or have the supervision of a sober person! meanwhile when i'm cooking while high, it just takes me like… double or triple the amount of time to complete tasks because i constantly forget what i'm supposed to be doing, or get so enraptured in what i'm doing that everything else fades away and I've been doing the same thing for an hour when it was supposed to only take ten minutes

EITHER WAY, this is me being a responsible adult: don't do drugs or drink alcohol and then do potentially dangerous things

your food looks delicious babe, im glad you had fun and had lots of yummy stuff to eat 🖤

Congrats on your good grades too! good luck looking for schools and majors but make sure you don't stress out too much about that stuff. it's totally natural and expected that you change your mind about what you want to do. nobody should have to make a decision about the rest of their life when they're just a teenager! don't be afraid to test things out first, go to school undeclared for a few years if you want, just to try out different courses and learn where your true passions lie! There are so many jobs and fields out there that you don't even KNOW about when you're a teenager but could discover from just experimenting with classes that interest you. so don't feel like you gotta pick something and then stick to it for the rest of your life! Change your mind a million times, I highly encourage it 🖤🎉

thank you for the cute pup pictures 🌈

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dorefasolsido · 5 months

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33.

Fifteen Years Ago

How old were you?

Thirteen omg.

Who were your best friends?

Hmm, I think Sanja and maybe Anna at the time already.

If you went to school, where did you go?

To a regular elementary/middle school in my hometown.

Where did you live?

In my hometown, 5 minutes away from my school.

What were your hobbies?

Writing stories, reading, listening to music (I think I started to discover Evanescence at this time), hanging out on meme sites online lol

What were your favorite TV shows?

Probably something on Disney Channel, I always watched it at this time. Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place, stuff like that.

What music did you listen to?

I was getting into Evanescence and Nirvana.

Describe what your hair looked like.

It was middle-length, dark brown and curly, but since I had no idea how to treat curls, it was mostly just messy and all over the place, so I wore it in a ponytail a lot.

What were your favorite colors?

Blue. It's always been blue.

Describe something you’d typically wear.

Jeans and shirts. I liked my clothes totally baggy, which wasn't exactly in at the time.

Who did you live with?

My parents, my younger sister, and my grandpa.

What was your relationship status?

Single.

Did you have any pets?

Not at the time.

Did you have a job? What was it or what was your dream job?

Lol no, I was in middle school. As for dream job, I'm pretty sure I already wanted to be a writer then.

Ten Years Ago

How old were you?

Eighteen.

Where did you live?

Still in my hometown.

Who did you live with?

Still with my parents, younger sister, and grandpa.

Did you have any pets?

I think that's when we got my bunny Tufi.

Who were your best friends?

Sam was already my best friend at this time. Even though we hadn't met in person.

Did you have a job? What was it or what was your dream job?

Nope, but I was starting to think about all that more seriously, preparing for uni.

Did you go to school? If so, where?

Yup, to a high school in my hometown.

What were your favorite colors?

Still blue.

What were your favorite TV shows?

Hmmm I'm not sure what I was into at 18, maybe Vampire Diaries? Gossip Girl? Also, plenty of anime shows.

What were your hobbies?

Reading, writing stories, listening to music, reading manga, watching regular and anime shows, playing Sims, spending lots of time online chatting to online friends.

What music did you listen to?

Rock/metal, this was fully that era for me. Still Evanescence and Nirvana, but also Alice in Chains, SOAD, Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, NIN, and so on.

Describe what your hair looked like.

Pretty much the same as when I was 12, it was years before I drastically changed my hairstyle. I did figure out that I shouldn't comb the curls though, and I was trying to get adjusted to that mindset.

Describe a typical outfit you’d wear.

Skinny jeans and a T-shirt or a plaid shirt. Also Converse, which I still do today.

Five Years Ago

How old were you?

Twenty three.

Where did you live?

My living situation was the same as now -- mostly here, but part of the time with my parents.

Who did you live with?

My sister.

Did you have any pets?

No, Tufi sadly died the year before that.

Did you have a job? What was it or what was your dream job?

Hmm, I think I was still tutoring Japanese students at this time. Maybe I was getting into writing as well, but I wasn't quite there yet.

Were you in school? If so, where did you go?

I was graduating from uni and starting my MA.

What was your relationship status?

Single, but that's the year when the situationship started.

What were your favorite colors?

Blue.

What were your hobbies?

Reading, listening to music, hanging out with friends, reading manga, playing video games occasionally.

What were your favorite TV shows?

Hmm, Attack on Titan and Death Note for anime. But I don't know what else, I was never super big on watching shows.

What music did you listen to?

This was my Tool era, so mostly that and A Perfect Circle. I listened to other stuff in the similar vein too, as well as some of the stuff I was into in high school.

Describe what your hair looked like.

Very long at this time, still dark brown and curly, although I was starting to lose the curls a bit and it was annoying as hell.

Describe a typical outfit outfit you’d wear.

All black lol. Still skinny (or fitted) jeans, sometimes plaid shirts, other times just regular T-shirts. Converse, of course.

Who were your best friends?

Sam, but also Sonya before it all got complicated.

This Year!

How old are you?

Twenty eight, ew.

Where do you live?

Still the same living situation as five years ago.

Who do you live with?

My sister.

Do you have any pets?

We have a cat now, Lucifer.

What is your relationship status?

Single.

Who are your best friends?

Still Sam.

Do you have a job? What is it or what is your dream job?

I do have several jobs, working as a content writer and translator. They're kind of close to my dream job, but my ultimate dream job is being an actual fiction author.

Do you attend school? Which school?

Not anymore. Finished with MA three years ago.

What are your favorite colors?

It's still blue.

What are your favorite TV shows?

All Mike Flanagan's (Hill House, Bly Manor, Midnight Mass, and now House of Usher), Squid Game, AoT... I feel like I'm forgetting something.

What music do you listen to?

BTS, including their solos, and the stuff I listened to before. Plus, more Rammstein, more Billie Eilish.

What are your hobbies?

Doing surveys here, reading, hanging out with friends, travelling, going to gigs and concerts, writing (though much less than before), learning German.

Describe what your hair looks like.

It's short, purpulish (I need to redye it), and I have bangs.

Describe a typical outfit you’d wear.

Now I'm back into baggy clothes, but a bit different than when I was 13. I like cargo pants, hoodies, high-waisted jeans, big boots. And converse, still.

Your Future!

What job do you wish you could have?

My dream job, of course. But I'd be happy with this too.

Do you want kids or do you already have kids?

No kids, thanks. I'd like to have a bunch of cats though. I don't care if I become a crazy cat lady, god knows this world needs more of those.

What are their names and ages? Or what do you want to name your kids?

I could never settle on a name for my hypothetical kids.

Are you married or do you wish to be married someday?

I'm not and I don't wish to be.

Do you drive a car? What car do you wish you could own some day?

I do, and I'm getting a car sooooon. I just want like a small Toyota or something like that, but for now, my old family car will do.

What pets do you think would be cool to have some day?

More cats!

#personal #surveys

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biggiedraws · 7 months

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for the musical ask: 23 and 10!

hi jay!!! thanks for the ask <3333

23. how did you discover your favorite artist?

hmmm id say my favourite artist is currently fall out boy. which i discovered through. tumblr? but not by being on tumblr. because when i was in like elementary/middle school (8+ years ago) i didnt have any social media, but i would see screenshots of tumblr posts on. pinterest. [yes, this means im aware of some of the old tumblr culture like superwholock and "i like your shoelaces" and stuff, despite being fairly new to tumblr. trust me, its weird for me too.] and there were quite a few posts about panic! at the disco, my chemical romance and fall out boy, so i kinda grouped them together as similar music without ever listening to any of it. then when i found out i could listen to music outside of the radio, panic! was one of the first artists i listened to bc my dad had a bunch of it pirated and let me download it. so recently when i started trying to branch out and figure out what kind of music i actually like, i was like hmm. ive always really liked panic, maybe i should check out the other 2 and see what i think? and turns out i like both of them even more than panic lmao- should have given them a try sooner 😔😔

3628800. you have to get a lyric tattoo — which lyric is it?

i already answered this one, but heres another lyric i would consider!

"i cant say the words / so i wrote you into my verse / now youll live through the ages / i can feel your pulse in the pages" - poet by bastille

its from the same song 😅 and, like the other one, im not sure if it would make a good tattoo, but i like it for a lot of the same reasons- the imagery and overall sentiment are really beautiful, and it reminds me of orv!

#haha did you guys get the factorial joke? because 10! is- *gets booed off the stage*#anyway thanks again for the ask jay <3 hope you enjoy the storytime hehe #biggie answers #ask game

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smallflowersblog · 9 months

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"middle of nowhere"

When I moved here two years ago from the metropolitan area, a woman in a shop said to me. "How dare you came all the way to the middle of nowhere?" I think she said it as a welcome which means "Welcome, although there's nothing to see here," but I felt a little sorry for the "middle of nowhere" that people said to me like that.

Certainly, there are many famous popular cities like Kyoto, but if you think about it, there are far more cities, towns, villages, etc. whose names you've never heard of, and you would say, "Where is that?" For some of them, you don't know how to read, or even for a town in the prefecture where you live, you may not know much about the location or what is there.

Having moved to one of those "middle of nowhere," I have a new hobby. Walking. The "nothingness" means that there are open landscapes nearby that you don't see in the city and that is an enjoyable factor for walking. And because I am able to see farther, my eyesight has improved. When I walk in such places, I discover many things. Even when walking along the same path, the "middle of nowhere" takes on a different look depending on the time of day and the season. When I take pictures of those looks, I notice something. Is this the "middle of nowhere"? There's a lot of stuff here!

There are people who live, study at school, or work, even though here is the "middle of nowhere." Every day at dusk, the houses are lit up, and the chimneys of the factories along the coast are constantly emitting white smoke. Windmills for offshore wind power generation are also spinning. When I see them on the way home from Tokyo on the highway, I feel at home. My favorite place is the place where I live now. I love the fact that even in such "middle of nowhere," there are people going about their daily lives.

I am sure that every place has its own beautiful scenery. Even in places that many people think are "empty," there should be always something there. If you didn't really like where you live now, why not take a little walk today and find it?

Kamisu City (Ibaraki, JAPAN)

Green Park behind City Hall, with a 4.4-km-long pond with more than 10 species of wild birds.

Wind Power Kamisu No. 1 offshore wind farm; Kamisu City is the site of Japan's first full-scale offshore wind farm. Visitors can enjoy the scenery on an empty beach.

Ikisu Shrine. Together with Kashima Jingu Shrine (Kashima City, Ibaraki Prefecture) and Katori Jingu Shrine (Katori City, Chiba Prefecture), they are called the three shrines of the East. Kashima Jingu Shrine and Katori Jingu Shrine are about a 20-minute drive from Ikisu Shrine. These three shrines share a common amulet, which is completed by purchasing a wooden amulet for the main body at one shrine and purchasing stickers of different colors from the other two shrines and affixing them to the main body (the sticker from the first shrine is already attached).

The scenery changes with the seasons. In winter, there is no greenery and the whole area looks like a desolate desert.

Nasaka Sunset Township Park, a sunset spot that even the locals rarely visit.

The scenery looks similar for a moment to a scene I encountered in England??

●For those of you who kindly have read this far and are interested in Kamisu City, Kamisu City's character, Kamisukoko-kun, at the link below shows you where Kamisu City is located in a very easy-to-understand way (His head is in the shape of Ibaraki Prefecture, and he is telling you that Kamisu City is here. "koko" of "Kamisukoko" means "here" in Japanese.). By the way, his favorite food seems to be nata de coco.

カミスココくんプロフィール / 茨城県神栖市 (city.kamisu.ibaraki.jp)

●A place that hardly anyone pays attention to is glistening in the sunlight. This music makes you feel even more enlivened when you walk in such places.

(278) "Say So" - Doja Cat - Cover (Violin) - YouTube

#town #trip #ibaraki #japan #walking #park #sunset #landscape #shrine

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morningstarascending · 9 months

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Life No Longer Silenced - Part 2

Here is House Springs Middle School, worse abuse from my father and bullies, teachers anger and disrespect towards students becomes worse as well, then I discovers teachers playing favorites. My sister was being spoiled, she became such a brat. If she didn't get her way, she would lie to get her way. Result would be, my brother or I in trouble. H.S.M.S. bullies making me bleed now and school system not caring. Mother went further one time and screamed in my eat but bit my ear. My father would beat me and my brother but never my sister infront of anyone. He would never spank, mostly beat but he would include a belt, two by four, hocky stick, baseball bat, whatever that was within reach. One morning I get up to go to school, my brother was already awake and told me he was a sick. He turns around and buys porn on the satelite PrimeStar, well guess what, I am the one to get in trouble and blamed for it. At one time my brother and I were force to to the entire households laundy, including under garments. Well my brother was being an ass and only folding towels, shoving clothes in the other basket thinking I wasn't looking and, so as brothers we fought. Our father wasn't happy with that, came out to do so called discipline on us. He beat us and threw us into a glass top coffee table with large glass candle holders, my chest has masive bruises and minor scraps on my arms. We were to scared to tell anyone, we were told to tell lies. Then there is a moment when I really snapped after one incident with my father, he did something; I yelled at him and hit him and ran, finaly trapping myself under my bed till my mother came home. I was still scared of him cause of the abuse. Then I end up living with my grandpants and going to Washington Middle School. Kinda I guess I had my first girlfriend but it wasn't anything really and didn't get to talk to her. One time a bully pushed my down some stairs and thankfully only ended up with a sprain in my ankle. I was rolling down the stairs and kid ran and jumped down past me as I was tumbling. As usual, school did nothing about it. So same stuff but more bully violence, different school and, learning about the bad habits my mother received from her parents. School system finds out and I am forced to move back to my parents house. Saint Charles Junior High, bad school, bad teachers, perverted students, bullies, find out now my sister was also included in my fathers abuse as well and, triggering moment with my brother and sister that hurt me. At that time I really start to stuggle in handling everything. The stress, the abuse, being ignored, belitting and, no one to turn to or talk to and, their want in controling every aspect of my life. Nail bitting all my life from the stress, doing better with it now. Always the misunderstood outcast and never a real friend. And everytime it was the false friends that would take advantage of my kindness, and be selfish of my time, rarely ever get to do anything I like and sometimes shared interests might over lap but I could still miss some things. Also lose money in all the bullshit I experienced. Developing poor social skills and wanting more to be a loner. Teachers at this school were completely checked out and didn't care. I was given the option to pick electives and I loved it at the time. I would choose everything where I would try to interact in less tight group activities and heavily physical activities. So I chose musical, art, cooking and, beach vollyball. Cooking was ok, was surrrounded by girls, really dumb cooking stuff, I learned more on tv. Beach vollyball was another moment I can forget. Again I was surrrounded by girls (I know, no judging) but this time stuff happened. Middle school girls are just as perverted as boys. All they would do is talk about sex and penises, while drawing body parts in the sand. They would tease me and push me to show mine, all I did was blush and try to ignore them. Teacher would never believe me when I would tell them, here is an early moment girls are believe over boys. Gender doesn't matter, toxicity in all.

#life #lifetoblog #life stuff #life struggles #abuse survivor #childhood trauma

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thejuniperjinx · 1 year

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I have no idea what to do with this blog, and I kind of feel like I am just talking into a void, but I cant afford therapy anymore, and I am determined to write more, even if its just journal-ish entries on here.

Here’s to writing for an hour a day, when I could be reading or doom scrolling.

Today, I put on the ‘Strange Mix’ playlist Spotify made me. It seems to mostly be weird musical soundtracks i have ‘liked’, offbeat bands, and those secret songs that used to be at the end of albums, so the track is like 4 minutes, but the music doesnt start until a minute and 30 seconds in. And as always, I shoved it to ‘shuffle’ because I cant stand listening to things in order.

I have been playing Fallout 76 alot lately, and thinking of looking into fanfic based on it. I read some Fallout 3 fic last year, and I have this romance idea stuck in my head between a PC, and the Raider Punk Ally. I think I just like his hair. Being at the elder end of millennial, and having graduated just before emo became a thing, I still find punk looks very attractive. Probably why I married a musician. I just wish he would find a job already. Its been a year.

My favorite band has been MCR since 2005. Like embarrassingly so. I was in the top 1% of listeners last year on spotify. I would be embarrassed, but in your 30s you kind of stop caring what other people think of the things you like. I am leaning harder into my nerdy passions every year. I spent middle and high school and the first half of my 20s desperately trying to be cool, when the clothes were uncomfortable, concerts were too loud, and coffee was gross. I know enjoy things I want to. I love my leggings and sherpa socks, listening to whatever I want, at the volume I choose. And I am unashamed of ordering tea at the coffee shop. I hate feeling icky all day from the acid in coffee.

I am living with undiagnosed ADHD. I am 100% sure I have it, but I cant afford the copays to see a doc, and the therapy I could afford cannot diagnose. Whoever came up for health insurance you have to pay for AND then copays it requires to see a doctor was fucking evil. Free Healthcare for ALL!!

Okay, this playlist has a lot of the ‘tiktok’ songs on it too I guess.

This seems to be turning into a stream of consciousness thing today I guess. Whatever, at least I am putting something down.

I discovered Kimya Dawson via The Moldy Peaches because of Juno. That movie has an awesome soundtrack.

I still write most of the fiction/fanfiction/stories I work on long hand and then type them up. The problem seems to be switching between the media. If I start on paper, I have a creative block unless I continue on paper. If I start by typing (way easier) I want to continue typing. Typing is just easier, and I can go longer, and I sit at a computer all day. Problem is I cannot work on my own stuff at work, as its all monitored, and I dont want to save it to the work computer, and google docs is not accessible at work. Also I am on the main aisle, and everyone can see my computer screen. 😒😒😒

I enjoy my job. Its fun. I design kitchens. I am still mastering the job after 9 months of training, and only being able to start doing full designs and sales since October. I have been with the company 11 years, and the ability to change spots and learn new stuff has always made me happy. Now I just with I had some better consistency with my schedule. Its way better than when I worked in customer service though, I hated doing turn and burns.

And the timer just went off. I cant believe an hour flew that fast. Tomorrow is a work day, so maybe i will have an idea for something more entertaining than this stream of conscousness i dropped today.

#journal #stream of consciousness #music #shouting into the void

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inquisitiveheretic · 3 years

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It’s amazing and hilarious to me how many people seem to have got into Metallica purely because they thought Kirk was attractive 😂 (no shade I did the same thing lol)

i SWEAR ive gotten at least three separate asks telling me they think kirk is cute n that’s why they’re here ,, it’s so fucking funny bghfdbghjbd . Good For Them (& you) !

tumblr user metallicasbian says: objectify men on the internet 💘

#for me: i already liked their stuff from when i discovered music in middle school (not getting into that but Yeah) & i saw a kea era pic #took one look at those fruity little men n thought: i want to crush the blonde one like a bug #and that's why i'm here :-)#asks #anonymous #kirk appreciators anonymous

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charlie-rulerofhell · 3 years

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For they know exactly what they do

Today there was a pretty long article published in the German newspaper FAZ, written by Julia Schaaf. Since there were quite a few interesting topics raised in it and Måneskin talked about some new aspects (or in more detail), I translated the whole thing (it might also have helped me to procrastinate).

Full interview in English under the cut.

For they know exactly what they do

June 22, 2021

Four young rock musicians from Rome are today's hottest band. Måneskin are enchanting Europe. Why? We met them for an interview.

Every romance needs its founding myth, an anecdote from the beginning, something you can tell later in more difficult times for self-assurance.

In the case of the band Måneskin, who first had Italy and now half of Europe wrapped around their fingers, and who are now trying to conquer the rest of the world with their rock music, there is the story of the shoe box. Rome, around five years ago: Four teenagers who are meeting every day after school in their rehearsal room to make music together, and sometimes they play their songs on the Via del Corso in the city centre in front of a changing audience. One day they want to record their own stuff. They find a studio that they can actually afford and as they go there they bring a shoe box, with the name of the band written on it, 'moonshine' in Danish, the bassist's mother is Danish. In the box: around seven kilogram of coins. The things you get from playing music on the streets. Everyone searching through Instagram for photos from that time can find four hippies with children's faces, three boys in batik, the girl is wearing a straw hat.

As they have to pay [for the recording], frontman Damiano David, 22, says that there was this guy, Angelo, and his bandmate Victoria De Angelis, 21, is interrupting: “No, Andrea, not Angelo”, and all of them have to laugh because a rigid studio manager with the Italian name 'angel' would be even funnier for a founding myth. David continues his story: “The guy was completely dumbfounded. 'We can't do that.' We went: 'Sure we can, that's worth the same even if it's just 20 cent coins, it's still 300 euros.” Thomas Raggi, 20, the guitarist of the band, is gasping for air as he laughs, while drummer Ethan Torchio, 20, is smiling dreamily. David finishes: “And then we snuck off before he was able to count it.” [the German text says 'verdrücken' here which is just a colloquial way of saying 'we left', but it entails some sort of a dramatic exit, so yeah, let your thoughts get creative how they left exactly :D].

Four young musicians on the verge of global fame are sitting on a white interview sofa in Berlin, completely styled, babbling across each other like overeager teenagers.

Ever since the Roman band first won the music festival Sanremo and then also the Eurovision Song Contest, carried by the enthusiasm of European viewers, you could say Måneskin has become a phenomenon. “Rock 'n' Roll never dies!”, Damiano David yelled fueled by the adrenaline of winning, and the insinuation that circulated on social media of the singer snorting during the counting of votes in front of a live camera – including their strict denial followed by a negative drug test result – might have given an additional boost to their public interest, their exploding album, ticket and merch sales, and their outstanding success on Spotify.

“We think it's a shit prejudice against rock music that there always have to be drugs involved. We fully threw ourselves into our participation with the utmost professionalism. We give everything for the music. So of course we don't want people to think that we can only do that because we take drugs.” – Victoria De Angelis

Prior to Eurovision, Måneskin was more of an insider's tip outside of Italy. Handmade rock music, not creating something entirely new but paying homage to the good old times with classic guitar riffs and cracking drum beats, being a lot of fun but also quite fragile and vulnerable at times and, first and foremost, conveying a captivating energy. Finally, on the stage of Rotterdam, live after so many months of isolation and renunciation, this wave of energy spilled straight over into European living rooms. It seemed easy to (mistakenly) interpret the winning song “Zitti e buoni” (Shut up and behave) as a declaration of frustration of our youth in times of a pandemic. In fact, singer Damiano David is singing about the favourite topic of the band: the unrelenting need to, against all odds, be yourself, despite or perhaps because you are different. The message fits their provocative sex appeal, which the band uses to demonstrate their independence of gender norms at any given time. But the core essence of rock music has always been the promise of unlimited freedom.

Thus at the first moment, the meeting with Måneskin is kind of startling. It's Wednesday, we are in the top floor of the new Sony head quarters in Berlin. The four Italians have just started their two-week long promotion tour through Europe. In the afternoon there will be a live concert in a queer club [the SchwuZ, but that's not mentioned here] in Neukölln, which will be streamed via TikTok. Around one million viewers will watch the show, some of them even from Brazil, so people at Sony are pretty excited [for Måneskin to come here]. But at first, these stunningly gorgeous creatures [yes, that's the exact wording :D] are standing surrounded by an entourage of people – their management, PR team, a stylist, a photographer, people who can hold a smartphone or a cigarette if needed [this paragraph is worded a little weirdly, especially taking into account that basically their whole team / 'entourage' is just friends of them, but it seems like the journalist didn't know that or maybe they just wanted to describe their first impression]. They seem like fictional / artificial characters out of a Hollywood movie. Transparent frill blouses with blazers and flared leather trousers, even the platform boots, everything brand-new, the makeup makes their faces look like a glossy magazine cover even in person. The smokey eyes of De Angelis and Raggi make them look smug and bored. Later, on the pictures it will probably look cool.

So of course your first impression might be: This band is under contract to industry giant Sony ever since their success on an Italian casting show [X Factor] in Winter 2017. The music industry must have its hand in the game when a band is photographed half-naked by Oliviero Toscani and styled by Etro. Also, one does not simply rent a villa with a pool in Rome to produce new music there, isolated from the rest of the world. And who else went to London for two whole months, shortly before the winter lockdown, just for inspiration? After the TikTok concert in Berlin – De Angelis and David are now wearing fishnet shirts that sparkle with every move, their bare nipples covered with an X of black tape – the band is posing with a few influencers. In the world of social media you would call that 'producing content'. But what does that mean for a band who are preaching their hosanna of authenticity? How authentic is Måneskin? And is their pointedly casual approach to sexuality and gender cliches in today's pop-cultural spirit more than a marketing strategy?

We're in the interview, the recording device is running for not even five minutes, when Victoria De Angelis says: “Actually, we just try to be ourselves and do what we really want to do.” And really: The more you listen to those four how they speak about the early days of the band in their slurred Roman dialect, about the shoe box and their own experiences with being different, but most importantly about their shared obsession [with music], the more you realise that [De Angelis] is very serious. Ethan Torchio, who got his first drum kit at the age of six or seven from his father because he was beating everything he could reach, says: “For me, music is like food. I cannot live without it.” The bassist next to him laughs at his pathos. Singer Damiano David applauds the otherwise more reserved friend for his truthfulness [it says 'klarer Punkt', meaning 'for the point he makes', but it makes it seem like Damiano is agreeing with Ethan here, although it doesn't indicate whether he agrees that yes, music is everything for Ethan or that he understands and feels the same].

De Angelis and guitarist Raggi already knew each other from middle school and they were the ones who tried to form a band at the age of only 13, a band that actually took music seriously.

De Angelis: “It's just difficult at that age to find other people who really put everything into music and who truly commit themselves and are willing to invest a lot of their time.”

Raggi: “We set strict rules and scheduled fixed times for the rehearsals, for every day.”

David: “Fever, stomach ache, there was no excuse. Even if you were feeling sick in the rehearsal room. At least you were in the rehearsal room.”

The way the four of them talk across each other, completing each other's sentences, taking turns in talking and sometimes joking about each other, seems intimate and playful. Singer David remembers how at first bassist [De Angelis] was merciless towards him when it came to her first metal band project, as she told him that he wasn't committed enough [to the music]: “Back then I was still playing Basketball. I was one of the people that Vic absolutely didn't want [in her band].” Drummer Torchio was later discovered through Facebook, even though there had already been a drummer, a close friend, but he was not good enough. It seems as if even back then music was everything for them. Even if it meant that only Raggi managed to graduate.

And why rock, why rock music of all things? Because it's great, the four of them say in unison. David adds: “Actually, it's a genre that allows you to do everything you want to do.”

When they played on the street, they were laughed at by their classmates. But not only there. De Angelis explains that she never wanted to be a typical girl: “I was always deterred by those stupid boxes that people put you in, and that are just restricting and constraining you, because something is only regarded as male or female. I always rejected that. Instead, I just wanted to do the things I enjoyed doing, I went skating and played football.” Torchio says: “Friends who are not friends anymore were already telling me at the age of ten that those“ – he grabs his long, silky black hair – “were wrong. Because I'm a boy and boys are meant to have short hair, long hair is only for girls. I was bullied a lot for that.”

“Compared to the past, people in our age became much more open-minded. It gets better.” – Thomas Raggi

Frontman David on the other hand, for whom eye shadow, jingling earrings and nail polish as well as his bare torso with the tattoos have become trademarks by now, says: “I was actually more of the average boy.” De Angelis convinced him to try out some eyeliner, which he describes as a spiritual awakening: “I liked myself much more [with makeup]. I saw myself more as myself. As if it had been a suppressed desire of mine.” On a trip to Copenhagen with the others, when he realised that it really didn't matter what people were thinking about him, he got his first fake fur [coat? the article doesn't specify that] in a second-hand shop and let his clothing style be guided by his own love to experiment: “I realised that my whole life I was just going at half speed.” When it comes to diversity all four of them are becoming almost missionary.

At the same time, their success is not only opening doors for them. Back home in Rome they are barely able to go out on the street due to all the paparazzi. “[You need a] hoodie and huge sunglasses”, David says, “the mask is quite helpful, too.” And still, none of them is complaining, and Torchio explains why: “Even if those experiences right now may have sides that are not so pleasant, we still know that for us a dream is coming true. We experience something that we always had in our minds, so we are willing to face every consequence that this entails.”

So is the band facing difficult times, is Måneskin going to change with all the success? Again, all of them answer at the same time.

David: “I'm not worried about that.”

Raggi: “No way!”

De Angelis: “On the contrary. Everything that happened to us happened because we are who we are, so we want to continue the exact same way and stay ourselves.”

Just a few hours later, they are at the stage in Neukölln, bouncing around like pinballs, hammering at their instruments, flirting with each other. “We are out of our minds, but different from the others”, David sings their winning hymn against conformism, and: “The people talk, unfortunately they talk.” Here on stage, the four paradise birds [a German word describing someone with a flamboyant personality] with their half-nude-glittering outfits are radiating an incredible energy with the utmost sincerity, and you begin to wish there was a live audience instead of the TikTok cameras, absorbing and spreading this energy. Måneskin. A cry for a life after the pandemic, a cry for freedom and a better world.

“We do what we wished for all our lives.” – Ethan Torchio

#måneskin #maneskin #måneskin interview #my stuff #i'm sorry if someone already translated it but i was working on this for the past 3 hours now so i'm still gonna share it #i know most of it is not very new but there were some quite interesting details in there #and it's just always great to read about those four dorks so i wanted to share it with all of you who wanted to read it but couldn't #enjoy and please ignore any possible mistakes i didn't have the time to proof-check everything

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im-whatchamccallit · 3 years

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Crushcrushcrush//Kim Hongjoong (ATEEZ)

Request: Hi i was wondering if you could do a soulmate werewolf hongjoong x human female reader angst and fluff like she over hears hongjoong saying something and she gets sad and shy and worried and stuff.....

Pairing: Kim Hongjoong x Fem!Reader

Genre: Angst with fluff at the end, Werewolf!AU, Soulmate!AU, a bit of College!AU

Warnings: Hongjoong’s kind of a dick with irrational thinking, cussing I guess

Word Count: 7.2k

(A/N: Lets just pretend I didn’t disappear for 6 whole months, but i am back and my medication is no longer giving me the big sad so I’m a little more motivated to write.This isn’t the best work I’ve done, this is actually idea 10 for this prompt and idk if it’s executed properly but Imma keep trying and hopefully, to keep from falling back into a slump, I’ll start a new series so I have a regular scheduled fic for everyone. Also, I think I botched expressing the AUS here but just let me know what you think. Sorry for always disappearing, I can’t promise I won’t go off the grid again but I’ll try harder to be active in anyway)

Your mother always said crushes stayed crushes for a reason: they hurt. Bad. But you thought she was wrong, that your feelings for someone could one day be reciprocated later if not sooner, and that’s what led you to him. Kim Hongjoong. The day you met was a complete accident, your body slamming into his as you wandered aimlessly during your freshman year of high school. He was gorgeous with wide brown eyes, beautiful pink lips and cheeks, his hair styled differently from the other boys to reveal his forehead, showing his individuality. He was perfection.

“I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” Those were the first words he spoke to you, his voice so gentle, so sweet. And the way he reached out to help you with no hesitation, holding your hands as he pulled you up effortlessly.

It was love at first sight, all until he looked down to your hands, eyes catching a glimpse of your wrist, a row of zeros peeking through the sleeve of your uniform jacket. He slowly pushed the fabric up, both your eyes widening to see your soulmate clock had finally timed out, his hands releasing yours to check his own wrist, a quiver to his lips as his clock matched yours, his once soft eyes now hard as he stared you down.

“Stay far away from me.” He warned, not saying another word as he headed to his homeroom, your body frozen as you watched him disappear. He was so harsh, yet you liked him. Maybe suddenly finding his soulmate scared him, but it was no problem to you! You were bound to end up together so you played the waiting game with him, being the perfect soulmate you could possibly be whether he accepted it or not.

And that led you here, now seniors in college and still acting the way you were when you met. Hongjoong was still cold, treating you like some plague while you could only smile along. You weren’t sure how you missed the fact you lived in a predominantly werewolf area until a public service announcement came on your television one night to remind humans to stay indoors during the full moon, that night dedicated to werewolves being as free as they could be, but it made you even more hopeful when you were on your way home from work one night, taking a shortcut through the woods since it lead right to your backyard.

You were 16 at the time, so the sight of a shirtless person would obviously make you flustered, but a shirtless Hongjoong? Enough to cause a nosebleed. He was 16 as well, the exact age a werewolf develops a mate bond and, seeing as you’ve already been confirmed as soulmates in the human world, the sudden desire to latch onto you and never let you go once you locked eyes only made your lifelong attachment more real, and he was freaking out. He didn’t speak, opting to shift without removing the remainder of his clothes, your eyes wide as he moved deeper through the thick trees and towards the horizon where the orange sky was in full view and, the grin on your face just couldn’t stop growing. You knew werewolves had a stronger drive to their mates, so the idea that he could avoid you forever was laughable. Sure, you were both 23 and he has uped his disdain for you from staying silent to calling you any vile name he could think of, but it was only a matter of time before he came around. You just knew it.

“(Y/n), stop gawking.” Miyeon joked, poking your side to snap you from your daydreams, your eyes widening when you noticed a few of Hongjoong’s friend’s catching your gaze, a blush painting your face as you turned away.

“I wasn’t gawking, just making sure their table was okay. I am their waitress tonight.”

“And every other night because you said, and I quote, ‘I wanna work at any table my Joongie’s going to be at!’” She mocked, your eyes rolling as you looked back towards them.

You took a job at a diner just a few blocks from both your apartment and college campus, the pay great and the distance convenient. It was the only time you had to yourself instead of lingering to Hongjoong, figuring out his classes and breaks to give him snacks and lunches you’d personally make for him since you overheard him complain about the campus food before, only to be told they tasted like shit and he’d find his own food. It was a bit of a kick to the face to hear that, but you had one saving grace: his pack. The first time Hongjoong sent you away with a bitter remark, they were curious about you, tracking you down when they weren’t with their alpha to get more info on who you were and what you found so loveable about the man treating you like some demon. They were surprised by how sweet you were and how accepting you were to be the unwanted luna of an eight-wolf pack. They could never hate Hongjoong but they sure as hell loved you just a little more than him. Unbeknownst to both of you, Yunho and Mingi found out where you worked, making a plan with the others to take Hongjoong there as much as possible so he would have no choice but to interact with you, even if he stayed silent to not appear like an asshole in front of the various strangers dining as well. Hongjoong would honestly never return if he had the choice, but something about the restaurant’s signature burger kept bringing him back, which is why he was here, sipping his soda angrily as he waited on his meal that would be served by his worst nightmare, you.

“I don’t know why you don’t just find someone else. Isn’t it easy for humans to reject soulmates? You could move on with no problems.” She said, helping you grasp onto the steel tray covered in various meals, a huff leaving you as you put on a bright smile.

“Because I know it’s harder to move on for wolves. You guys don’t have a choice on who your mates are, and you just accept it once you meet them. I know Hongjoong will accept me eventually, it’s just gonna take some time.” You gave one more smile before wobbling towards the table in question.

Hongjoong tried not to follow the gaze of his pack as they watched you happily approach them, letting out a huff as you adjusted the tray onto your shoulder, grasping the plates and placing them in front of the respective person, Hongjoong’s nose twitching at the smell of his burgers and fries, not wasting anytime to dig in as the other’s thanked you, but you shyly looked at the male before you, the tray pressed to your chest as you tried to find a casual way to speak with him.

“I-uh- I-I remembered last time you asked for extra cheese, so I decided to put cheese in the burger too! I hope you like it better than the tofu stew I made you for lunch the other week.”

“I didn’t ask for extra cheese this time, so why put it inside my burger where I can’t take it off?” He said spitefully, mouth still full as he set the half-eaten burger down.

Your smile faltered but bounced back as you reached towards his plate.

“O-oh! Well, I can take it back and make you another! This time I ca-“

“’This time’? You should’ve just done it from the start. Your job is to listen and do what you’re told and you can’t even do that? What can you do right?”

You swallowed hard, your eyes wandering to the people now staring at you as the scene unfolded, your heartbeat ringing in your ears as you tried to hold it together. The worst he’s called you in an idiot and that was usually under his breath, so to practically say it out loud, in front of strangers while you were in the middle of a shift and forced to do nothing but smile like you usually would, felt like you were being stabbed and burned simultaneously. You couldn’t keep smiling, looking down as you tried to apologize, only for him to cut you off once again.

“Go bother someone else. Or hide in the back if you’re just gonna keep fucking up this much.”

The space was eerily silent, even with the soft music playing, your eyes not leaving your shoes as you shuffled away. It was a pitiful sight, Seonghwa releasing a breath he didn’t realize he was holding as you went to a neighboring table to retrieve plates and glasses left by a couple from before. He was ready to tear Hongjoong’s head off, not as a gamma to an alpha but as one friend to another, his jaw tight as he prepared to berate him the way he did you but, somehow, Wooyoung beat him by asking a question none of them thought to ask before.

“What did she ever do to you that you have to treat her like that?”

There was a strange but tense silence as they awaited his answer, watching him taking small bites of his fries as he stared ahead at nothing before turning to them with what could only be described as a sadistic smirk.

“Imagine being 13 and finding out the best years of your life, the years of dating, hooking up, just discovering who you are, are gone because your mate decides to show up and take that from you.”

“Are you fucking stupid? That’s the reason we have mates, so we can do those things with one person instead of random people!” Seonghwa nearly yelled, trying to keep his voice low as to not alarm anymore spectators again.

“For the past 7 years, I’ve been trying to get her to leave or just reject me, but it’s clear to me now that she’s just an idiot that doesn’t understand she’s not needed, by me or anyone. And, if you’re as dumb as her, I’ll simplify it for you: she’s unwanted.”

Whatever pain you felt before suddenly disappeared into a numbness you couldn’t explain. He knew you were there, that you could hear him, that you would hear him, and yet he still said it. You were conflicted and sad, your lips curling in a mixture of disgust and anger before settling on a bright smile. Never mind the fact your tears finally spilled over, that your heart ached with every beat and your body felt heavy with the weight of being rejected by someone you waited so long for, you just had to smile. Soulmates were supposed to be a sure thing, supposed to be your happily ever after, yet it just turned out to be a crush, one that you should’ve let die the day you met him.

“(Y/n/n)…” Miyeon spoke cautiously as you made your way towards the bar, your other coworkers watching from beside her as if you were some strange spectacle.

“We have to start cleaning, y’know? It’ll help us get out of here a lot faster tonight.” You said in your usual cheerful tone, tears still flowing and a faint crack to your voice.

“How about you just head home for the day, (Y/n)? We can handle everything from here.” Your manager said, her eyes scanning your face as you moved past them and to the kitchen, their bodies following instinctively.

“What? No! I’m fine! We still have 4 more hours to go and I think if I get a head start with the chefs for tomorrow lunch specials I ca-“

“(Y/n), please-“

“I’m fine, Miyeon! Really! It’s not like I got broken up with or anything, I never even had a boyfriend! Just a crush on someone that thinks I’m a waste of space! Isn’t that super ironic? Spending most of your life chasing after someone that wants nothing to do with you? That’s really funny, right?” You choked out, lips pursing into a thin line to keep in your sobs but your attempts were futile, everything slowly starting to hit you at once until your body collapsed, one of the other servers catching you before you hit the ground.

It was all a blur from there, the words of comfort everyone offered turning into muffled noise as your cries of agony came out freely, the way Miyeon dragged you from the emergency exit at the back of the building and to her car to take you home, and even when you crawled into bed and managed to sleep despite the pounding headache. 7 years came and went and there was nothing to show for it. No soulmate, no boyfriend, no romance, not even a friendship. You were empty and for some reason the only thing filling your heart and mind was the person who broke you.

It felt like time stood still yet hours had passed, Hongjoong back in his own bedroom pressing away at his keyboard, stopping occasionally to write a few notes down from his new composition, but he wasn’t distracted enough to hear his door open, various footsteps entering and even a few bodies settling in on his bed, his eyes not bothering to leave his notebook as he figured this moment would come.

“You don’t need to lecture me.” He grumbled, going back to play a few more notes only to find his keyboard unplugged, Mingi tossing the cord away as his alpha stared him down.

“It’s only a lecture if you listen and learn, which you won’t, so we’re gonna make you feel as bad as possible for driving away the only person that gave a shit about you.” San said with a bright smile, a scoff leaving Hongjoong as he finally turned in his chair to face them, eyes scanning the room to see this situation wasn’t playful but truly hostile, almost like an ambush.

“So, you guys don’t care about me?”

“Trying to get you to accept your soulmate so you don’t die shows we care a lot more than we should.” Yeosang spoke, making himself comfortable as he sat against the pillow and headboard.

“But we’re the real assholes for trying to force her with someone as shitty as you.” Seonghwa finally said, Hongjoong’s head snapping in his direction as he let out a dry chuckle, shifting in his seat so he was leaning backwards, arms crossed as he told himself to stay calm during his friend’s potential tantrum.

“I feel like you have the most to say since you’ve been in love with my mate the longest, so go ahead, tell me how I’m such a bad man, Seonghwa. I’m all ears.” His smugness made the tension worse, Seonghwa stepping closer with clenched fist.

“I’m not in love with you mate, but if I didn’t know someone was waiting for me because we were fated to be together, maybe I would have asked (Y/n) out, because she deserves better than a lowlife with the brain function of a dead goldfish. But I respect her too much as your mate and my luna to not push those boundaries so I tried to help her get closer to you because I know you, Hongjoong. You’re not an asshole or a jerk, but to her? You treat her like shit, when really you’d have no one without her. You’re a short, scrawny, nerdy moron that locks himself in a dark room for days on end just to complete a single project, then emerge to eat cold pizza and watch Despicable Me because your pea-sized brain can’t comprehend anything that isn’t brightly colored animation. If you take away your alpha status, no girl would even look in your direction but you have someone literally at your side, the only human not afraid of you, trying to figure out everything there is to know about you, yet you can’t give her the time of day. You probably don’t even know a damn thing about her.”

“Unfortunately, I know more than enough about her.” Hongjoong spoke, all amusement gone as he glared at the older male, their mindlink clogged with threatening growls and barks, trying to keep their fight from getting physical.

That first sentence alone made Hongjoong’s blood boil, his face contorted in a mixture of pain and disgust. How could Seonghwa even say that to him, plotting to steal his mate all because he was a bit uncertain? That all it was, uncertainty! He didn’t hate you, or wish you weren’t around, he actually grew to anticipate and enjoy your ramblings about your day or whatever new thing caught your attention, he actually even loved the lunches that you’d make for him. He couldn’t help that over the years he grew to crave you more, but the thought of fully accepting you and solidifying that the best years of his life were about to be gone, restricted to one person forever before he could even determine for himself his likes and dislikes, what he considered real love rather than what fate wanted him to feel, was terrifying. So he distanced himself from you, spending the years watching you from afar in hopes that if he didn’t get too close he wouldn’t lose his free will completely.

But it was a bad habit that seeped into your college years, everyone assuming he cared so little for you when he knew everything there was to know. He knew where you worked before any of the boys did, where your apartment was, the fact you were a business major planning to open a bakery once you graduated, he knew you didn’t have classes on Fridays but always came back on campus because you prepared meals for the men’s and women’s wrestling team which is where Jongho first met you, he knew you hated mint chocolate chip ice cream just like him but loved chocolate ice cream with mint chips, he knew you were always cold but overheat at night and wake up at exactly 3am to change into shorts and a tank top to be more comfortable, he knew about the birthmark on your lower back and a scar on your hip from a cat scra-

“Holy shit, you’re insane.” Wooyoung breathed out, Hongjoong’s eyes focusing on the room in front of him, a mixture of shocked expressions and amused ones filling his vision.

“I liked it better when we thought you hated her but, hyung, you’ve been stalking her since your freshman year of high school?” Jongho asked cautiously.

It was a weird feeling bubbling inside Hongjoong, the primary one being embarrassment. He knew he’d sometimes unintentionally rant in their mindlink whenever he was upset but to make an almost decade long secret public to his pack, revealing the intimate details of how you slowly but surely ingrained yourself into not only his brain but his life until he felt like he was going crazy? It made him tear up, his face burn with a blush as he was finally forced to face the truth. He pushed you away but wanted you more than anything. He wanted to spend his years free to explore before finally settling down only to reject every girl that came close to him simply because they weren’t you, and he took that anger out on you. What was he so mad about? The fact you stood by his side with a smile happily accepting him while he tried and failed to lust after other women? Was he that pathetic? He could admit now that he was and, if he could turn back time, he would’ve introduced himself and walked you to class. Just the first step of fully accepting you.

“You’re still ranting in the mindlink, you know?” Seonghwa said softly, regaining the once again lost focus of his alpha who was too consumed in his own pity to notice the tension died down, their gazes soft as they tried to sympathize with their leader.

“Sorry. I wish none of you heard that stuff.” He admitted, sniffling as he realized he’d been crying, hand hurriedly wiping away tears from his cheeks.

“Well, it’s a good thing we did. We still think you’re a moron, but at least we know you’re feeling guilty about all of this.”

“Don’t worry, Joong, if you know (Y/n) like we do, she always sees the best in people, so she’ll forgive you. But you still have to apologize.” San followed up Mingi’s words, wrapping an arm around Hongjoong shoulders while giving a bright smile in response to his weak one.

“She’s my TA in Calc 3 and I have that class around noon tomorrow. She always stays after in case anyone has questions, so I can stall until you get there.” Yunho offered, Hongjoong feeling a slight warmth in his chest thinking about it all. He’d let go of his insecurities, fix everything he’s done wrong, and finally have you as his. Tomorrow couldn’t come fast enough.

And tomorrow did come, but you were nowhere to be found. When Hongjoong arrived to Yunho’s class, he was met with a sympathetic apology on the account that you didn’t show up that day, you weren’t even at any of your other classes. The boys even tried to find you at work only to be met with a mob of your pissed coworkers led by Miyeon, threatening to rip their heads off if she saw their faces again. And that lasted for nearly 3 days, Hongjoong’s hope slowly dwindling away until he noticed two figures sneakily meeting halfway at the school’s entrance to exchange a large white cooler.

He recognized those bulky arms anywhere, and the thick Aussie accent was a dead giveaway as well, especially when it was followed by a distinct giggle. There was no mistaking it was Chan, but he could barely see the person with him, their voice low as they spoke to him and face hidden beneath a hood, but the scent emitting from them was strong, and beautiful, his eyes widening as he finally took it all in. You looked different, wearing a dark grey matching sweat suit which was a complete 180 from your usual attire, and you smelled faintly of passionfruit, possibly a change to your normal shampoo in an attempt to disguise yourself, but that thought only made his heart hurt more. Were you intentionally avoiding him? He could understand you hating him now but you were even ignoring the others in his pack, going from friends to complete strangers in a matter of hours and leaving them all devastated. He was going to fix this, here and now, if not for him and you than for his friends.

“Jongho’s been pretty upset about you not responding to his text. It’d really help if you stopped by to at least let him know you’re okay.” Chan pleaded, giving you a dimpled smile and hopeful gaze that made it impossible for you to hide your blushing face and grin.

“I just need a little more time, Chris. It’s like if you broke up with your mate and all the friends you made through her left you too. Except it’s me being broken up with by someone who was never my boyfriend and his friends came to me instead of me going to them. But, still, it hurts all the same.” You laughed slightly, trying to find some humor in the situation.

“You’re the only person that still calls me Chris.” He commented, trying to redirect the conversation as you clearly weren’t fine, neither of you noticing the burning glare just a few meters away.

“I just think it fits you best.” You admitted, neither of you breaking eye contact until you gasped, staring down to the box of food and drinks you bought.

“You should hurry to practice. You need to eat beforehand otherwise you’ll be weak after warmups alone. And I worked hard making those sandwiches and cutting that fruit, if it goes bad because you stayed here to cheer me up, I’ll really be mad.” You tried to put on your best scowl, your scolding undermined by his amused laughter.

“Alright, fine. Just stay safe, please?” You nodded, waving as you watched him turn to head to the school’s gymnasium, missing the way Chan glared at Hongjoong as he continued forward. Chan and Hongjoong’s packs were close, family almost, so the news of what Hongjoong did and why reached them in no time, and Chan was hoping today things would be fixed soon because, apart from you being the wrestling team’s beloved personal chef, you were like a sister to him.

You wasted no time leaving the campus behind, ready to go back into the darkness of your bedroom to forget you existed. You really wish you could disappear, that the ground would split beneath you and swallow you whole, but you couldn’t just leave when your phone was filled with calls and messages from friends and coworkers wondering where you were and if you were fine. So many people cared, what kind of person would you be to leave them all alone like this, especially when all they wanted was to help you? But being alone helped, trying to live life as normal as possible while adjusting to a Hongjoong-free lifestyle helped. It would take some time, but you’d find your normal someday. All you had to do was avoid-

“(Y/n)!” Your body froze.

He rarely called you by your name but his voice was distinct on its own, and it was the most sickly sweet thing you’ve ever heard. You wanted to run, to never have him see you like this. Dear god, how did you even look right now? You felt like shit, you probably looked the part. Dammit, Hongjoong was right all along, you were shit. You were worse than shit, you were just pathetic. A pathetic, lovestruck loser itching to just turn and say hi, to have the conversation you always dreamed of but you knew that wouldn’t happen. He’ll yell at you again. He’ll-

“(Y/n)? H-hi…” Hongjoong said shyly, standing right in front of you as you shrank into yourself.

His brows furrowed as you looked away, mentally arguing with yourself as you went over the days of self-reflecting you did, trying to find some lesson from your solitude to aid in this situation and it was starting to scare him. You were never quiet with him, you always had something to say even if it wasn’t important but, luckily, he had something important to say and hopefully you’d listen.

“I- T-the other day…. I w-was…. I-I’m sorry.” He stammered out, this confession a lot harder than he thought, especially now that you were facing him, eyes just as innocent as the day he met you, but he couldn’t run away this time.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, honestly. Everyone told me I was an idiot and I think they’re right. I treated you like you were garbage for years, all because I didn’t want to be mated so young. I just wanted to date around before I finally settled down with someone and, m-maybe I could’ve just said that, so you didn’t have to wait around for me all these years but, I never hated you, and I can’t hate you. I know you won’t forgive me right away but I think it’s only fair that I can be a good mate to you now.”

He swallowed hard, trying to suppress the desperate ‘please’ he wanted to add as your pupils began to shake, almost as if you were a machine malfunctioning, none of your self-reflecting preparing you for this moment, the only thing coming to mind being some sad blog article you found during your second day of isolation. ‘Forgiving and forgetting too soon is dangerous. Find yourself’. It wasn’t what you wanted but maybe what you need, what he needed. So, without hesitation, you smiled brightly at him although it never reached your eyes, clearing your throat as you tried to keep your voice steady.

“Hongjoong, I can’t forgive you easily. I waited for you, I tried to make you accept me and it always ended up with me getting hurt. Honestly, if I just treated you like a regular crush, maybe we could’ve forgotten we’re meant to be together until after graduation or something.” You laughed awkwardly, wanting to look away as his eyes softened in the saddest way, but you needed to do this, eyes locked on his as you exhaled through your nose.

“I couldn’t be by your side all the time, so whether you dated anyone is still a mystery to me but, I’ve been alone for seven years hoping you’d come around, and I think it’s time I take those years back. I’m not sure if what you said counted as a rejection or if we’re still mates but, if we are, we’ll come back to each other eventually. For now, I just need some time.”

You managed to walk past him without completely collapsing in tears, speed walking back to your apartment as you tried to swallow sobs, not even taking in the way Hongjoong stumbled to follow you, almost like a zombie as he attempted to plead for you to reconsider, to force himself to accept your decision but ask how long you needed, but he couldn’t do that. He tried to picture himself in your shoes, seven years of pining only to be publicly humiliated by the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. He couldn’t blame you for not forgiving him, and he sure as hell couldn’t force you, so he let you go, trudging in the opposite direction to his two story apartment just to hide in his bedroom until he didn’t feel like dying anymore.

But as more days passed and it only got harder for Hongjoong. He barely left his room but also never slept, every song he created was played in minor scales to fit his now melancholy life. The charisma he typically exuded was hidden with puffy red eyes from crying and a yellow knit sweater a few sizes too large for his body but it was the only thing that comforted him at this point, especially when knowing you had reconnected with everyone but him.

After exactly one week of distancing yourself from the world, you caved and meet with the boys individually (sans Hongjoong), apologizing for needing space although they completely understood, but the way each interaction ended made your guts churn with guilt. ‘Stay safe, luna’, that’s how all of them addressed you before they left, leaving you filled with the desire to return to how things were before. You missed your friends and, the fact your mate was finally ready to claim you, only made you want to forgive Hongjoong sooner. But you needed to be your own person for once. You had seven years worth of relationships to catch up on and you wouldn’t let them keep you from that.

Except when they did.

You should’ve known it was risky letting them know you had a date so soon, just some other human on campus that had yet found his soulmate. They sounded happy for you, Wooyoung going so far to ask where you met and where your date would be and what time, giving suggestions on what to say and wear since it was “your first”. It was a sweet gesture, and you thought nothing of it, but that information meant everything to him which led to now, the boys huddled together in their living room with a slightly paler and sickly looking Hongjoong curled into the corner of their loveseat.

“So they’re going bowling tonight at 8:30? We could ask her about it tomorrow in case she’s into him because hyung isn’t looking too great.” Yeosang commented, everyone looking to Hongjoong as he managed to drown his entire body within the sweater, only his head visible as he stared ahead like some lost puppy.

“He’s just weak from not being around her for so long, but their bond is still there so he’s fine. But we have nothing to worry about. She won’t fall in love with him so don’t get too involved, she’ll just stop talking to us again if we meddle too much.” Seonghwa warned, a chorus of ‘Okays’ confirming their dismissal as they all stood to retreat to their bedrooms.

“Wait, who is she going out with anyways? There’s only 10 other humans at that school.” Mingi’s question cause everyone to freeze, the silence in the room contrasting with the faint answer Woooyung gave in their mindlink, Hongjoong turning to look at him with hurt and pain.

“Why didn’t you say it was Yugyeom?!”

“I did! Just not to you, until now because I forgot to tune you out.” He said shyly, flinching as Hongjoong ran past him and right out their front door, none of them sure of what to do at that point.

It was such a minor yet major detail. Kim Yugyeom was admittedly the most wanted person any of them could think of. Human girls wanted him, werewolf girls wanted him, most guys couldn’t help but stare whenever he passed by. He was gorgeous with eyes that sparkled every time he smiled. He spoke about his soulmate with so much passion despite never meeting her, following his words with how he’d treat any girl before her with the same love and care. It was a pick up line meant to hook any hopelessly romantic girl in, the sweetest way to say their relationship wouldn’t last. But this was Kim Yugyeom, they knew it was only meant with good intentions, not wanting to string someone along with the false hope they’d be together forever. And that’s exactly what you needed. To explore while knowing you’d always come back to Hongjoong. But that’s not what Hongjoong wanted. He didn’t want you dating anyone else, finding temporary happiness when he was supposed to give you a lifetime of it. And humans were more flexible with their soulmates, they had the privilege to move one without the pain or withdrawals of losing their mate. Werewolves just died if they were rejected, heartbreak and loneliness consuming them, so there was no telling how your heart would react to someone exactly like you. Maybe you’ll fall in love with him. Maybe he’ll abandon his soulmate for you once he learns how amazing you are. Maybe Hongjoong would die from lack of food and sleep before he even reached your apartment, which he was still sprinting full speed towards. It was only 7:30pm, meaning he had an hour before you and Yugyeom went out, but he didn’t have a plan. He had no idea what he was doing, but he needed to stop you before you found yourself in love with someone else.

It was like some scene in a drama, Hongjoong’s chest heaving as he finally came to a stop just outside your apartment. His body felt like giving out as he climbed the two flights of stairs to your door, only to find you waving shyly to Yugyeom just as he turned away, trying not to lock eyes with Hongjoong but Hongjoong’s eyes were only trained on you, yours finding his as a panicked look crossed your face. Should you look away? Go back inside? What was he even doing there? You never told the boys your address… You gasped as he approached you, swallowing hard as you tried to remain calm, but how could you stay calm when you finally got a good look at him?

“Oh my god, are you okay?” You didn’t hesitate to ask, stepping further from your door to examine him, reaching for his face only to stumble back to your original position. You were making great progress, you can’t do that now.

“I’ve been better, but even then I wasn’t fine.” He said with a dry chuckle, your lips curling into a fake smile to not show how much his appearance affected you. He looked like he was on the brink of death. You knew wolves would get sick without their mates, but was it really killing him? Were you killing him?

“Joongi-Uhm, Hongjoong, how about you sit down? You look like you’re going to faint.” You offered, stepping back to allow him inside, watching him stumble past you and straight to your sofa as if he owned the place.

It was such an awkward moment for you, watching the poor boy curl into himself as his sweater practically became his body, a sigh leaving your lips as you shut your door. Instead of healing yourself, you had to heal him. It was oddly pitiful but your instincts screamed at you to do it.

Hongjoong shut his eyes as he eased into your sofa, feeling more comfortable than he was in his own home, even more so with your scent invading his senses, your body warmth radiating onto his as you carefully took a seat, trying to figure out what to do.

“Do you need food, or water? Or a doctor?” You asked, the giggle he let out this time weak but still enough to make your heart beat a bit faster.

“I just need you near me.” He admitted.

You let out a squeak as he shamelessly fell into your lap, head comfortably resting against your thighs as he laid face up. You couldn’t stop your hand from easing through his unnaturally colored locks, melting at how soft they were, bottom lip trapped under your teeth as you had to fight off the desire to cup his face. You’ve never gotten this close to him and he wasn’t telling you to go away, instead letting out content purrs as he nuzzled closer to you, your eyes burning with unshed tears. Why couldn’t he just want you from the start? You’d would’ve been able to hold him like this all the time, to see him happy and healthy rather than a shell of his former self. But he didn’t want you, and now he was at your apartment just to keep himself from dying. It was silly to think he cared about you as much as he did himself.

“Of course you do.” You whispered, laughing bitterly as your hand left his hair, moving to his arm to ease him back up into a sitting position.

You couldn’t get past him no matter how hard you tried, nor did you want to, but every word he said, everything he’s done, followed you like a ghost haunting some poor unsuspecting soul. Why did you have to love someone who didn’t love you the same? Why was this your life?

“Can you just hold me a little longer? P-please?” He asked with a cute whine to his voice.

You sighed and grabbed his arm, gently pulling him back into his previous position, fingers massaging his scalp as he finally opened his eyes to look at you. You were beautiful, even with the frown lines etched into your face. He wonder how long they’ve been there, especially when he’s only seen you smiling. Maybe you spent your alone time more upset than he thought. Where you upset before he came? You couldn’t be when Yugyeom was here, no one could be upset with him around. Except Hongjoong. He felt a grudge building inside him just from the mere thought of him with you. He felt like interrogating you on what he was doing here in the first place and why you gave your address out to just anyone, but it wasn’t his place to ask and probably wouldn’t be for a while, but jealousy and rage was all he felt so any reasonable thinking was thrown out the window.

“I don’t want you to see Yugyeom anymore.” He said definitely, your eyes widened as you stared at him incredulously, an amused giggle leaving your lips.

“That’s not for you to choose, Hongjoong. I told you I need time-“

“Those seven years you’ve been waiting I couldn’t be with anyone else. I always compared every girl I met to you and none of them came close to being as perfect, now I have to watch you date some dance major with pretty eyes because I was an insecure dumbass? He has a soulmate, and he’s always going to choose them no matter how much you like each other, so why not save your feelings? I’ll wait as long as you want me to, but just don’t fall in love with anyone else.”

You tried so hard to hide your smile. This wasn’t something you typically liked, possessive guys being on the list of things you found annoying, but considering it was Hongjoong, his soft eyes hard and sharp as their hue seemed to go pitch black as his words were both sweet and demanding, made you fall in love just a little more than you already were. You wanted to take this as his confession, as a truce in your previous one-sided enemyship, to tell him that you told Yugyeom you couldn’t go out with him because you could only see yourself with Hongjoong, but you needed time. Not time to date and explore the way you thought he had, but to watch him work as hard as you did to prove he was ready and willing to love you. It was a little malicious, sure, but it was all in good fun. He’d always be your mate after all.

“I don’t know, Hongjoong, you really hurt me…”

“It hurt knowing I wasn’t with you.” Your smile cracked through, causing his own to appear, your game already over.

“And how do you think I felt? You think you can make up seven years worth of waiting so easily?”

You squealed as he shot up, magically seeming more alive than when he arrived, eyes full of life and his lips and cheeks the same rosy color as when you met him, hands warm and soft as he cupped your face.

“Good thing I have forever to do it.”

The silence was comfortable but unbearable, especially as he hesitated to lean closer, your lips puckering to guide him but he didn’t seem to be catching on and, when he did, you shifted back, laughing awkwardly as you stared at one another, both of you taking a deep breath as you finally closed the gap between you, a weird electric sensation you could only dream of as your lips slowly grew accustom to one another, moving so slow yet feeling so urgent. It was all still new to the both of you, romance and dating only now becoming part of your lives, but it was exciting knowing that you had years ahead of you to perfect it, your entire lives dedicated to loving one another. And it only took a seven year crush to get you here.

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