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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 7 months

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Code Words | Risk Assessment

*materializes into existence* Okay, I don't want to overwhelm you or like, spam you. I've already requested something before that got answered (which was a very cool and awesome fic, btw). So yeah. But if you are taking requests (if not, it okay. Take care), may I suggest some h/c with Logan comforting Roman? Idc about plot. Just a general ask. I just finished the most recent addition to Code Words, so I am still recovering from that entire masterpiece. Anyway, take care of yourself! Have fun :D – oatmeal-stans-the-trash-rat

Read on Ao3

Warnings: described past torture, mention of past relapse, some violence, non-explicit

Pairings: none, all gen

Word Count: 5987

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. Roman's hands clench and unclench at his sides as he stares at the closed door. It looks so innocuous; it's just a conference room, on the second floor of the main compound building. There's a window on one side. He can see silhouettes through the cloudy glass. He knows exactly what's about to happen. He all but asked for it to happen. There's no reason for him to believe he can't do this.

Footsteps to his left and he turns to see Logan walking toward him. He's all buttoned-up again—slacks, badge, even the familiar dark blue notebook tucked into his hand. The only difference between this and all the other things Roman's seen him go to is there's a soft smile on his face. Something that unconsciously relaxes his shoulders as Logan draws closer.

"Good morning," he says, still speaking in the soft voice from a few days ago, "how are you feeling?"

"Like I just swallowed a bunch of stinging nettles."

Logan chuckles. "I have forgotten how well you use your words in unexpected ways. Despite that, I'm—well, I'm not surprised to hear it."

Roman glances at the door again. As if sensing how much he's trying to make it disappear with nothing but his glare alone, Logan rests a hand on his shoulder.

"You are not being punished, Roman. You will not suddenly become 'in trouble' over the course of this meeting. No one is expecting perfect behavior or complete recovery. You are hurting, we know. This is—"

"To help make it go away, yeah, I know." He hunches his shoulders. "Sorry for interrupting."

"It might be time we retire that one too," Logan mutters, mostly to himself, before he gently bids Roman to look up at him. He cups the side of Roman's face. "I'm here for you. In whatever capacity you decide. It would be best if you spoke for yourself as much possible, but if you want me to say something for you, I will."

A lump forms in his throat. He swallows it down. "Thanks, Logan."

Logan offers him another one of those soft smiles and pats his shoulder. "Whenever you think you're ready."

Roman looks back at the door and with a surge of courage he doesn't feel, reaches out and pushes the door open.

As soon as he spots the three people already seated inside, he wants to run away again.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

"Roman," the man sitting at the head of the table says, smiling, "good to see you. Would you care to have a seat?"

Roman glances around and picks the seat the furthest away from the others with his eyes firmly on the door. He gives a quick nod to the man who spoke and directs his gaze down as Logan comes in too, murmuring a greeting to the others. Roman wasn't quick enough to control himself not to see the mustachioed man in a cargo jacket and Janus watching him sit down. He curls his hands together under the table and picks at his palm.

I can do this. I can do this.

"Well," the man at the head of the table says, prompting Roman to look up again, "just to get us started, I'm Patton. I work in the Psych department. I've worked with Logan numerous times in the past but as of right now, I'm unfamiliar with the rest of you, except by name. Would you care to introduce yourselves, or shall we proceed?"

Roman glances around at the others who are doing a great job of pretending they're not looking to him for cues. He swallows. "Roman. Agent 34689. Level 3."

"Logan," Logan says next, "Agent 7985. Level 8."

"Janus." I'm not there. He's not Deceit. This is what needs to happen. "Agent 1432. Level 9."

"Remus," says the last man, shifting slightly in his chair. "Agent 69420. Level 9."

"Pleasure to meet all of you, though I wish it had been under different circumstances." Patton adjusts his glasses and sets a pale blue notebook at his elbow. "To give you a bit of background, I'm here on behalf of the Psych department to clear both Roman and Janus out of their last mission, and to figure out what happened with the initial debrief to plan an appropriate course of action. Under normal circumstances, of course, much of this information would be Level 6 only, but those restrictions are temporarily suspended for this meeting."

Something catches on his fingernail and Roman looks down to see he's picked one of his calluses down to a blister. He smooths his thumb over it as though that would make it go away.

"Roman?"

He jerks. He looks up. They're all staring at him. Why are they all staring at him? They need to stop staring at him.

"If you wouldn't mind," Patton says, "could you tell us how the mission went for you? From the initial brief to arriving back at campus."

Roman's back tingles. He swallows. "You want—all of it?"

"If possible yet."

"You—um, I don't think—" he swallows again— "I don't think me saying everything Deceit did to me would be good for either of us."

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Janus shift slightly and Remus rubs his thumb against his forefingers. Patton nods. "You needn't go into explicit detail if you don't wish to, but as thorough of a timeline as possible would be helpful."

I can do this. I can do this.

"I—I was told that there was an up-and-coming member of the gang that needed to be stopped. They were—he—the gang was looking to expand their operations into a new territory and was threatening the civilian population. I was to uncover how far they wanted to go and how much they knew about—"

"It's simple," Deceit remarked almost conversationally as the other goons sniggered, "you tell me what you know, and this stops."

Roman grits his teeth, arching at the pain in his spine—stop, stop, stop—

Logan lays a hand carefully on his and interrupts some kind of feedback loop. Roman takes a deep breath.

"How much they knew about us."

Across the table, he hears Remus bite back a curse as Janus fully closes his eyes. Even Logan looks pained.

"What? Why do you all look like that?"

"I believe they're trying to understand why you were assigned the mission in that way," Patton says, drawing Roman's attention back to himself, "would you like to continue?"

"I was given a rough location of where the gang's prospective headquarters were and an apartment in the area they were looking to take over. I was told not to contact the Agency unless it was an emergency or I was submitting the reports at the request of my handler."

"And how often was that?"

"Every few months on a non-schedule schedule. The longest gap was eight months."

Patton writes something down in the notebook. "Alright, thank you."

"I—do I keep going?"

"Yes, if you wouldn't mind."

"I first—um—we first—the first time I saw—" Roman sighs in frustration before turning across the table. "Am I calling you Janus or Deceit for this?"

"Whatever you want, sweetie."

"That's not helpful."

"Deceit, then, for undercover work, and Janus when we're here."

"Great. The first time I saw Deceit, then, was at the Skyrail Bridge. We'd gotten a tip that the gang was smuggling its weapons over the bridge to take root in a new warehouse and I went to stop it."

"Did you receive any direct correspondence to do so?"

"No, I just said I wasn't supposed to talk to the Agency. They didn't talk to me either."

"Why not just follow the truck, then," Remus asks, "to see where the new headquarters was?"

"Yeah, truck chock full of volatile explosives traveling through a heavily populated civilian area, why wouldn't I want that?"

"We're not here to discuss how the mission should have proceeded," Patton breaks in, quietly yet firmly, "Roman, if you would?"

Remus looks not at all chastised and returns to rubbing at his fingers. Roman takes another deep breath. "There was a way to trip the signal tower to shut down the bridge for the night. It wouldn't do anything against the truck if they chose to—I don't know, drive it through the barricade, but I figured they'd want to prioritize discretion over—whatever the hell you'd call driving through a bridge barricade."

Logan turns away to hide a smile.

"As the barricade came down, I saw Deceit get out of one of the cars next to the truck. He looked at me and said something to one of the other men he was with. I saw a car following me as I went home that night. I managed to get through two weeks before they held someone hostage at the bank nearby the apartment and used it as a distraction to get me somewhere they'd jump me."

He shifts in his chair and, despite himself, glances over at Janus.

"That's the first time we met face to face."

Janus nods silently. Patton writes something else down. "And how did that go?"

"I have a new aversion to jumper cables and a few burn scars on my back, that's how it went." Patton just nods and motions for him to continue. "Uh—he wanted to know what I knew about the gang and how I knew about the truck."

"And did you tell him?"

"Fuck no."

Logan doesn't say anything, but he's only had the privilege of knowing that Logan's proud of him a few times in his life. He'd sure as shit known to remember what it feels like.

And so it goes. Despite the way his hands shake and the way the scars start to ache again, he makes it through the painful years. How he'd been captured, interrogated, tortured, over and over not always at the hands of Deceit, but enough to make it known. How every time he'd try to do something to stop the gang, they would always know he was coming at least two hours beforehand. Sometimes that was enough for them to get away clean, other times things got really, really messy. By the time he gets to his capture at the gang's compound, he's trembling.

"I was kept in an isolated ward. I only saw Deceit. I—I tried to escape once but the terrain around the building was—I didn't make it." I'm not there. I'm not there. I'm not there. "There was a raw end to the bedpost."

Patton frowns. "I'm sorry, there was a what?"

"The bed. It was made of metal. One of the edges was still sharp. It didn't—like it was unfinished."

"I see."

"I cut up the mattress to make shoes. I used the springs inside to make them stronger. I tied them onto my feet and ran away in the middle of the night when the coast was clear."

"So that's how you did it," Janus says under his breath. Roman glances up. Janus doesn't quite meet his eyes but the ghost of a smile plays on his lips.

"I laid low for a while after that. I had to figure out how to restock my first aid cabinet, but—"

"Sorry," Logan interrupts, sounding equal parts regretful and suspicious, "what do you mean, restock your first aid cabinet?"

"One of the first things I did when I got the apartment was cobble together an at-home pharmacy, basically. So I had to—"

"You weren't given a safehouse with proper medical equipment?"

"This place barely had working walls and roof, it sure as hell didn't have anything that could possibly be considered medical grade." Logan's mouth tightens. "Why?"

"Sorry for interrupting," Logan says lowly, turning away, "please."

Roman eyes him for another moment before continuing. "So I restocked—I think I may have traumatized the person working at the 7/11 nearby, though."

"How so?"

"I mean, I stumbled in at three in the morning covered in blood asking about liquor and dental floss, probably not the greatest first impression. I don't think I got too much blood on the floor, though—oh, shit, I definitely did. Oops."

Logan pats his knee.

"Um—the next time we met was at the docks."

Janus, who had been listening to his whole spiel, suddenly looks down and away, his mouth tightening. No small part of Roman surges at the sight of him so visibly uncomfortable, after all the times he's sat back and hurt him, watched him be hurt, laughed at him being hurt, how does it feel? How does it feel to get ripped apart while other people are watching? Does it hurt? I hope it hurts. I hope you hurt as badly as I do.

But the smaller part of him, the part that's still curled up on the cold dock floor, swallows.

"Do…do you want me to stop?"

He doesn't respond for a moment, not until Patton prompts him softly. He looks up. "You're asking me?"

"Yeah."

"Don't worry about me, sweetie." Roman just glares at him. "What?"

"Kid's right," Remus says, his voice suddenly softer too, "this meeting's supposed to be for both of you. No sense in you getting hurt here too."

Janus turns to look at Remus with such a vulnerable expression that Roman's skin crawls with self-disgust. As Remus leans closer to whisper something to him, the two of them craft such a bubble of intimacy that he feels like a voyeur, stealing something he isn't supposed to see. He turns and Logan's there, reaching to sling an arm around his shoulders and let him rest his head against his chin. The hand on his back rubs in soothing circles.

"You're doing so well," Logan whispers, his voice a little thick, "so well, little one. I'm so proud of you."

"This is hard. This is really hard. I'm—I can't help it."

"Shh, shh, it's alright. You're doing spectacularly."

They sit in the quiet for a few more moments before they hear the rustling of someone sitting up. When Roman looks over, Janus is nodding with his eyes closed. He looks at Roman and Roman's heart twists at the sudden redness of his eyes.

"Whenever you're ready."

Roman swallows. "There was a ship. It was supposed to come in. It carried thousands and thousands of pounds of amphrilax."

Everyone in the room apart from Janus tenses.

"If it got into the city, it would—even if only a fraction of it was actually used, it could wipe out the entire population in one of the wards in a matter of days and would get into the whole city proper within a week. And it would be almost impossible to ensure the water supply was clean."

He shifts. The fabric rasps across his lower abdomen.

"I couldn't let that happen."

He can still feel the wind on his hair. He can still smell the stench of the harbor. He can still see the massive silhouette of the ship in the dead of night, acrid smoke billowing into putrid clouds. He can still hear the hustle of the gang members as the ship sailed into port, as it drew alongside with its terrible cargo as fleets of trucks arrived to deliver the poison into the city's bloodstream.

He can still feel the hand that grabbed the back of his collar as he pressed the distress beacon.

"They dragged me down by the ship."

The henchmen laughed and leered as the gang member held him up like a mangy dog.

"They beat me."

They took pipes and wrenches to his back. They wore steel-toe boots. They laughed and jeered and spit on him.

"One of them had a knife."

They don't tell you that it doesn't feel like you get stabbed. It feels like you got punched until the fire spreads and you look down to see red all over your hands.

"He just watched."

It was so cold. It's so cold.

It's so

cold

"Roman," Logan's calling, "Roman, little one, you need to breathe."

He is breathing, isn't he? He was talking. Also he needs to breathe so he doesn't pass out from blood loss. Wait. Is he bleeding? He doesn't think he was sitting down when he got stabbed. He's not at the docks. Where is he? Oh, right, he's in a conference room. He's at the compound. Logan wasn't at the docks. Logan is here. Logan's right here. He's in the compound. He's in the meeting. He's…he…

…he can't breathe.

"Look at me. Look at me, Roman." A hand on his face and he looks at Logan. "That's it. Focus on me. You need to breathe, now. In for three…out for five. Good. It's alright, try again, in for three…out for five…in for three…out for five…"

"I'm alright."

"Are you back with me?"

"Yeah…yeah, I'm here." He closes his eyes and rests a hand on his stomach. He's not bleeding. He's safe. He's not there. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, little one. It's alright. You're doing so well."

It's safer to talk just to Logan right now. He fists a hand in the fabric of Logan's sleeve. "The sirens started and Deceit—Deceit said they had to cut their losses and go. He argued for a long time but eventually they just took a few barrels and left. He—when he was about to leave, he leaned down and told me that I owed him a favor."

He tries to choke back a sob. He fails.

"It hurt so much, Logan."

Logan doesn't say anything, but a hand slides up to the back of his head and cradles him there, gentle fingers carding through the hair at the nape of his neck. He struggles to hold in the rest of the tears and just manages to choke down the lump in his throat.

"Okay. Okay, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good now."

"Let's take a break," Patton says softly, "I need a moment to organize my notes and grab a drink."

"Come, little one," Logan says, beginning to stand, "let's get you a drink too."

Shame burning in his cheeks, Roman closes his eyes and lets Logan bundle him out into the hallway, down past the doors, to one of the bathrooms. The lights flicker on as the door shuts behind them and he can't hold out anymore.

"Hey, hey," Logan murmurs as he all but throws himself into his arms, "shh, I'm right here. It's alright, little one, you're safe now. I've got you. You're doing so well, I'm so proud of you."

"It hurts, it hurts, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't do this, I can't do this—"

Logan just wraps him up in a strong embrace and oh, if this had happened half a dozen times when he was still training, he swears he wouldn't be as fucked up now. Logan is big and soft and warm and he smells like coffee and Roman's getting his shirt all gross and he's a complete fucking mess and absolutely not something to be proud of but Logan said he is proud of him and—and—

He collapses into a heap of tears in Logan's arms.

Logan just holds him. The anchor in the storm, his arms tightly around Roman's shoulders and waist, his mouth pressed near his ear. He lets out soft shushing noises that wriggle into the tight spool of tension in his chest and dissolve it bit by bit. When Roman's sobbed his heart near free from his mouth, he adjusts his grip slightly and begins to whisper.

"Listen to me, now, little one. Just listen. You are doing an incredibly difficult thing right now. This would be challenging for any operative at any level. And you have done it admirably. Shh-shh, you have. Do not hold yourself to the standard of doing this perfectly. There is no perfect way to do this. You are doing it, that is the most important thing."

He pauses before continuing.

"I know in the past I have caused you to doubt my faith in you. My trust in you, the pride in you I have. I will do my best to make sure you never doubt it again."

"I'm scared," Roman whispers with the last of his hitching breaths, "I'm so scared."

"I know, little one. I'm right here."

Fuck it. I'm scared and someone is offering to comfort me. I'm staying here for as long as I fucking want.

So he does.

In truth, he has no idea how long it's been until he can move without feeling like he's shattered into a million pieces, even if bone-weary exhaustion traces every step he takes until he can stagger to the sink to splash cold water on his face. He grabs the paper towels and pats his face dry, wincing at how puffy he looks in the mirror.

"This looks bad—" sounds bad too— "right?"

"It does look as though you've been crying," Logan says softly, "but it doesn't look 'bad.'"

"Well, fuck it."

Logan chuckles softly as they leave the bathroom, stopping for a drink before returning to the conference room. Roman reaches out to turn the handle, but something makes him pause. After a moment, he knocks.

"Come in."

He opens the door and takes his seat, mumbling an apology about taking so long.

"No worries, kiddo. Do you feel up to continuing?"

"Yeah." He glances over at Remus and Janus—the latter of which gives him the smallest of smiles. Remus has one hand dropped beneath the level of the table and it doesn't take any special deduction to figure out why. "Um—so after the docks, I didn't see Deceit until you came by for dinner."

Remus barks out a laugh. "Wait, you're serious?"

Roman nods. "It was December. I went to go visit my family. And then my mom opened the door and there he was. And she invited him to dinner."

"Did you go?"

"I wasn't about to turn down a home-cooked meal," Janus says with a glimmer of amusement, "and I had a feeling she would…persuade me."

"Oh, she would've knocked you out and sat you up at the table, for sure."

"Your mother truly is an excellent cook."

"She wants you to come back, you know."

"Does she?"

"Mhm. She wants to know when your birthday is too." When Janus makes a face, Roman shrugs helplessly. "I don't know. It just—she's—I don't know."

"So," Patton says, getting their attention, "was this…planned in any way?"

"No. I thought—I thought he'd found out about my family and was going to threaten them if I didn't cooperate. But he said he'd just run into my mother at the store and didn't know it was my mother." Remus is still trying and failing to stifle his snorts. "We, um, went for a walk. And then he came to dinner. And then he left."

Remus snorts. Then he starts laughing properly. After a moment, Roman joins in. Then Janus, then Logan, and eventually Patton starts laughing too. It's surreal, really, but then again so was that dinner. They needed it.

"I think I still have the photos in my phone," Roman says through his giggles, prompting Janus to sober a little.

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"Wait, there are photos?" Remus leans across the table. "Show me."

"Remus," Logan says quietly but Roman's already pulling out his phone. Patton leans in as well as Roman finds the photos.

He pauses for a moment, looking at them. They really do look happy in them. A perfect postcard. Unbidden, Logan's words about them getting along if they'd met under different circumstances drift through his mind.

"Don't hold out on me, kid."

"Right, sorry."

Remus peers at the phone. His eyes widen and his mouth drops open. "Holy shit."

"They really are good photos," Janus says as Roman turns the phone to show Patton.

"Would you mind sending me a copy?"

"Sure. Uh, now?"

"Later is fine." Patton writes down something on another line and turns the page. "Was that the last time you saw each other?"

In an instant, the humor fades. Roman goes to pick at his palm again when Logan catches his hand and holds it. He swallows.

"No."

"When was the next time? Or what happened next in the course of the mission?"

Roman swallows again. He just had a drink too. "Gredence Square."

"And what was Gredence Square?"

"Sweetie," Janus says softly, "you don't have to—"

"Don't fucking speak for me."

Janus goes silent immediately and Roman closes his eyes.

"Sorry."

"No need."

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

"Gredence Square was the next place rumored to be attacked. I went to scout the location but I was captured. I was interrogated by Deceit. I was emotionally compromised due to our previous interaction. I was—I was relieved of my misconceptions. Deceit left. The other two gang members tried to kill me. I escaped. I returned to my apartment. I sent off my report."

Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't—

"—and I relapsed."

A group passes by the conference room. One of them asks where everyone else wants to go for lunch.

A cloud passes over the sun.

Patton's pen scratches against the notebook.

Logan squeezes his hand tightly.

"We met twelve more times. None of them resulted in my capture. Two months ago I was told the mission was over and to report back to campus. That's it. Until someone told me Deceit was in the meeting room and—we know what happened next."

"I don't," Patton says quietly, "would you mind telling me?"

Anger flares on the tip of his tongue. "Hasn't the gossip gotten to Psych yet? About the stupid fucked up agent who didn't know another agent was undercover? Who got tazed by Security and laughed at? You sure you don't know what happened?"

"You were tazed?"

"Yeah, I was tazed, because apparently bursting into a room when a gang member is in there warrants me being tazed when I don't know shit. And then they fucking laughed at me and I ran away because apparently that's all I know how to fucking do," he spits, "that and fail to kick people out of my room."

Logan's hand flexes in his and he squeezes in silent apology. Patton writes a few more things down and nods.

"Thank you, Roman. I appreciate the time you've taken to go through this for us. If you'd like to leave, I understand, and we can—"

"No."

Patton pauses. "No?"

"You made Janus be here for mine, I'll be here for his. That's fair."

A pained noise comes from somewhere and he only belatedly realizes it's Janus when Remus turns to whisper to him again. Janus shakes his head and waves him off. He looks at Roman. "Only if you're sure."

"We got into this mess 'cause I didn't know shit. I'm not going to make that mistake again." He scrunches down in his seat. "And it's only fair."

He can feel Remus looking at him.

"Janus," Patton says softly, "whenever you're ready."

A shaky breath across the table. "I was given a mission about six years ago to infiltrate the gang to gather intel to eliminate the caucus that runs it. I was given regular drop-offs with other members of the agency, a set of code phrases to use with them should my situation change, and an emergency comm."

You got all of that? What the fuck?

"Integration took about two years. By the third, I was given direct oversight of certain operations. I began to sabotage them carefully in line with the instructions given by my handler but not at the risk of exposing myself. I would regularly smuggle intel back to the Agency. At the end of the twenty-ninth month, I was informed that a safety would be deployed to help maintain my cover."

Roman's stomach sinks.

"I…incorrectly assumed that the safety had been given the same code phrases I was," he continues, his voice growing thicker, "or any code phrases at all. I did not ask my handler to confirm it."

It's your fault, part of Roman screams. He doesn't say anything.

It's the mindfuck of a lifetime, hearing Janus describe everything that happened from his perspective. How he tried to throw the others off Roman's trail, how hard he worked to make sure he wasn't compromised and Roman wasn't taken in his stead. How much it hurt now to know that Roman had no way of telling him that it was too much, that it hurt, that it hurt so much, please, please stop—

He squeezes Logan's hand.

"I told Roman this the other day, but I'll say it here as well—" Janus gives him a little nod— "I had no intention of barging in on his family celebration. Truly I was in the neighborhood for reasons unrelated to the mission and his mother spotted me from her front window. I offered to leave them once I realized the truth but Roman…invited me inside."

"It was a good dinner," Roman mumbles, "and you were…nice."

"I wanted to make up for the docks," Janus whispers hoarsely, "so I…I tried to let as much of the disguise slip as I could. But I let it slip too much and I was pulled in for questioning as soon as I left his mother's house."

He was what?

"Was your position compromised?"

"No. I managed to assure them that I was just there to gather intel on Roman, but the next time we found him, they asked me to…prove it."

Gredence Square.

"I'm so sorry, Roman," Janus whispers, his eyes squeezed shut as Remus shifts toward him protectively, "I thought—I thought that it would be safer for you if I didn't physically hurt you, but the things I said—"

"You said what you had to to keep us both safe."

"Yes."

He gets it. He does. He hates it, he feels it crawling under his skin, but he gets it. He hates himself for getting it so quickly and he hates the world for putting them in this position.

He doesn't listen to the rest of it, despite his best intentions. He's too busy trying to stop himself from drifting back into the cold, dark, wet apartment and so he can't focus on the words coming out of Janus's mouth until he hears:

"I told Roman that I understand if it takes time for him to be alright with me, and I stand by that. Regardless of culpability for everything else, I have hurt him. He has the right to assert his own boundaries."

Roman just nods. Patton writes down one last thing before he sets down the pen and steeples his fingers.

"Thank you both very much. I understand that this is not an easy thing and you both have done it. I can officially end the previous missions—which means you are both out of the debrief period and are once again free agents. With your permission, I'd like to take this and set about moving this investigation forward. No action will be brought without your knowledge and consent, but I would like to begin nonetheless."

Roman nods. So does Janus. Patton smiles.

"That brings us to the end of this meeting, unless you have anything else you'd like to discuss?" Roman half raises his hand awkwardly. "You don't need to raise your hand, kiddo, what is it?"

"The rules about agent-on-agent violence. Janus shouldn't be punished for what he did."

Janus's head whips around and Remus's eyes go wide. Even Logan squeezes his hand a little tighter. Patton tilts his head curiously. "Can you say more?"

"Janus was operating under the assumption of basic competence. If an agent is found to be willfully negligent in basic duties and capabilities, the perpetrator can't be found liable." He takes a deep breath and fights the burning in his stomach. "It's not—it's not fair to him if he's punished for something he didn't know, just like it isn't fair if I get punished under reckless endangerment."

He glances at Logan.

"See? I paid attention."

Logan doesn't say anything, just swallows heavily and squeezes his hand again.

"I'll make a note of it," Patton says, "anything else?"

"N-no, that's it."

"Janus?" Janus shakes his head, still staring at Roman. "Then you're all free to leave. Thank you for your time."

Roman stands up and Logan quickly joins him, holding his hand as they leave the room. He leans against the wall and scrubs his hands over his face. Tipping his head back, he draws lungful after lungful of the artificially cold air until he doesn't feel like he's on fire anymore.

"Fuck."

"Quite," Logan says, his voice a little thick, "oh, little one, come here."

"This level of hugging is really good," Roman mumbles, muffled against his shoulder, "you should keep it up all the time."

Logan's chuckle rumbles through him. He peers over his shoulder to see Janus and Remus emerging from the room too. Before he can think better of it, he taps Logan's arm to get him to let go and calls out.

"Remus?"

Remus pauses, turning as Roman walks up to him. "Yeah?"

Just say it. Just fucking say it. "I'm really glad Janus has you. Thank you."

Remus looks at him for a long moment. He's tall. Almost as tall as Janus, if not taller. And he's built like a brick shit house. Just as Roman starts to squirm under his gaze, he sighs. "Can I level with you, kid?"

"Yeah?"

"I didn't expect you. I thought you were gonna be some snot-nosed kid who didn't know how to deal with anything besides screaming and sulking."

"Ouch."

"But you're not." He steps forward and rests a hand on his shoulder. "You're a damn good person, you hear me? I don't care what sort of agent you are, you're a damn good person."

"Th-thanks?"

"And when all of this is over, and we've all had time to get our shit together, the four of us are gonna go out to dinner and I'm gonna tell you every embarrassing thing Janny did while we were trainees."

"Remus," Janus says from behind him but when Roman sneaks a look at him, he's smiling.

"Sound good, kid?"

"Yeah, that—that sounds really good."

Patton smiles as he hears Remus mutter something else to Roman before the four of them part ways. He looks down at his notes and adjusts his glasses, his temperament cooling rapidly as he rereads some of the sections. His mouth sets in a line and he stands, walking briskly toward the elevator banks.

He swipes his card at the last one on the left and presses a button. He watches in silence as the floors tick higher, and higher, and higher, until the doors open.

He strides down the vast hall to the burnished metal door. He presses the intercom button.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Sarah? It's Patton, I need a word."

"Buzzing you in now."

"Thank you."

He nods to Sarah as he steps into the first office, steeling himself before approaching the massive double doors. He pushes them open.

"Virgil, there's something that requires your attention."

General Taglist: @frxgprince@potereregina@gattonero17@iamhereforthegayshit@thefingergunsgirl@awkwardandanxiousfander@creative-lampd-liberties@djpurple3@winterswrandomness@sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes@iminyourfandom@bullet-tothefeels@full-of-roman-angst-trash @ask-elsalvador @ramdomthingsfrommymind@demoniccheese83@pattonsandershugs @el-does-photography @princeanxious@firefinch-ember@fandomssaremysoul@im-an-anxious-wreck@crazy-multifandomfangirl @punk-academian-witch@enby-ralsei@unicornssunflowersandstuff@wildhorsewolf @thetruthaboutthesun @stubbornness-and-spite @princedarkandstormv @your-local-fookin-deadmeme @angels-and-dreams@averykedavra @a-ghostlight-for-roman @treasurechestininterweb @cricketanne @queerly-fluid-fan @compactdiscdraws@cecil-but-gayer@i-am-overly-complicated@annytheseal@alias290@tranquil-space-ninja @arxticandy @mychemically-imbalanced-romance@whyiask@crows-ace @emilythezeldafan@frida0043 @ieatspinalcords @snowyfires@cyanide-violence@oonagh2@xxpanic-at-the-everywherexx@rabbitsartcorner @percy-07734@triflingassailantofmyemotions @virgil-sanders-the-gay-emo@cerulean-watermelon@puffed-up-bees@meltheromanstan@joyrose-fandomer@insanitori@mavenmush@justablah65@10paradox10@uhhh-hi-there-i-am-nervous@cutebisexualmess@bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti@ultrageekygirl

#dragonbabbles #sanders sides #fic #roman sanders #roman angst #roman sanders angst #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #patton sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #janus sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders

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anxiousgaypanicking · 5 months

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Bootworship

Moceit (Patton x Janus) Kinktober 2023 Day Three: Bootworship Warnings: boot worship, footjobs

"You want to 'hang out?'" Janus asks, bringing his fingers up to make slightly dumbfounded, slightly annoyed air-quotes, directed at Patton who's standing in front of him happily, hands clasped together in front of him.

"Yes!" Patton immediately responds, as he rocks back and forth on his feet. "Since we're officially getting along now, we might as well spend quality time together!"

"I don't do quality time with others," Janus responds, drawing out the "s" in others to punctuate his point. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not much of a people person."

Patton chuckles. "I've noticed. But that doesn't mean we can't spend time together!"

He reaches forward to grab one of Janus's hands, as if trying to pull him off of the couch, but Janus stays planted.

"You wouldn't be found of the way I spend time with people," Janus responds, slowly, as if trying to gauge Patton's interests. "We're very different, you and I."

"That's even more reason to spend time together!" Patton argues. "The more time we spend together, the more we learn about each other! And then we can communicate better, and be more comfortable around each other."

Janus's lips stretch into a wry smile. "I know a surefire way to make us more acquainted." He then quickly looks away and waves his hand dismissively. "I don't know if you'd be willing to try it, though. It'll push you outside of your comfort zone, but it will encourage pure and transparent vulnerability."

Patton flashes a wide and excited grin. "Whatever will bring us closer!"

"Whatever?"

"Whatever!"

Janus sits up, and with a hand outstretched, beckons Patton closer. With Patton's chin settled in his palm, Janus forces eye contact.

"Alright," he begins, cautiously, "but you have to promise that if any point you want to stop, you'll say 'red.' Okay?"

Patton raises an eyebrow, no doubt intrigued, but agrees with an amused "okay."

Janus smiles, wide and pleased, before he leans back and goes "good. Now get on your knees."

Confused, Patton listens, and kneels down to the ground. He digs his knees a little into the ground, wiggling in an attempt to make himself more comfortable, before he folds his hands in his lap and looks up at Janus, awaiting direction.

"Clean my boots."

Patton cocks his head, before laughing slightly. "The cleaning supplies are under the sink," he states, a little confused. "And we don't even own shoe polish."

Janus raises an eyebrow. "You have a tongue, don't you? I'm sure that'll work just as good as any bout of shoe polish could."

Patton flushes suddenly as what Janus is implying dawns on him, and Janus watches his previously outgoing disposition dim into something more timid, as he plays with his fingers.

"Oh," Patton breathes, as he fully understands just what he's meant to be doing. He licks his lips to wet them, though his mouth itself is dry. "Oh."

Janus reaches forward to stroke his fingers through Patton's hair, petting it softly and causing them both to relax momentarily. With firm words, Janus says "you don't have to if you don't want to. At any point you can say no. I never want you to be afraid to say no to me."

Patton flushes, and turns to hide his face in his shoulder, though a cheeky smile slowly spreads across his face.

There's a few moments of silence, before Patton takes in a deep breath.

With newfound confidence, he scoots back to give himself the space to lean forward, and slowly presses a kiss to the top of Janus's black boots. It's shy, which is to be expected from someone who's probably never done this before, but Janus finds himself entranced with just how cute Patton looks.

His stomach is pressed to the ground and his ass is in the air. His curly hair falls around his face as he kisses lightly over Janus's shoe, round glasses sliding down his nose.

He's bent over worshipping, shyly, of course, but growing increasingly confident as his mouth glides over the surface. He's humiliated, but boy is he cute.

A small moan slips past Patton's lips as he sucks over Janus's shoe, before he pulls away, spit sliding past Patton's lips and down his chin as he stares up at Janus. Curiously, Janus peers down, seeing one of his shoes shining with saliva. He smiles.

"Good boy," he praises, softly, "but you still have one more to do. Don't keep me waiting."

"Of course not," Patton breathes, before shuddering as his hips roll against the floor, before he's leaning down again. Holding Janus's foot gingerly, Patton's eyes flutter shut as he kisses and licks once again, giving Janus another show.

He's more noisy now, much to Janus's delight. Cute little moans and whimpers fill the room, using one hand to support Janus's shoe while the other slides between his legs. But, as soon as Janus notices that, his free foot is planting itself on Patton's shoulder and roughly kicking him back.

Patton's back falls flat against the floor, as he stares up at Janus with comically large eyes. His round face is bright red, and he looks like he's panting. Straining against his khaki's is his hard cock, begging to escape his constricting pants.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asks, as Janus scoots to the edge of the couch.

Janus smiles. "No, of course not. But if you wanted to be touched so bad, you could have just asked."

"Please, touch me?" Patton asks immediately, eliciting a laugh from Janus that sounds so pretty.

"Of course!" Janus exclaims, as his foot glides between Patton's legs. " As soon as you get those pesky pants off, I'd be more than happy to give you nice, relieving pleasure. After all, you deserve a reward for cleaning off my shoes so well!"

Patton beams at the praise, and is quick getting his pants and boxers off. Freckles dot his thighs, spreading down his calves, and while Janus has the urge to kneel down and count each one individually, perhaps even trace constellations formed on his skin, he forces himself to stay focused.

If Patton was willing to lick the dust from Janus's boots, he should be willing to let Janus worship his body later down the line. It could be another bonding exercise!

Janus kicks his foot out, and drags the bottom of his boot over Patton's cock, earning an immediate and loud moan.

"Oh-!" Patton gasps, as his back arches off the floor. A curse word rests on his tongue, but he bites it back. Janus can taste his surprise, though. His pleasure. The rough pain and excitement coming from the rubber sole of Janus's shoe mixed with the ecstasy of it dragging over his shaft.

"Careful, darling," Janus warns, as his boot sinks back to the base of Patton's cock, the bottom resting against Patton's balls in such a way that Patton sucks in a sharp breath, aware of the fact that if Janus sinks it down any further, his balls will be crushed. "You're going to undo all the work you just did! You're already leaking."

Patton glances at his cock and sees pre already rolling down it, and he flushes with humiliation.

"I'll clean them again if they get dirty," Patton promises, almost immediately. It makes Janus muse.

He runs his shoe back up Patton's cock, stimulating it fully and earning another cute little cry of pleasure. Such lewd noises sound so foul and perverted coming from Patton's mouth, making them all the more delicious to Janus who drinks each one up, enjoying them to their fullest extent.

He sets a slow, steady pace dragging his foot along the length of Patton's cock, watching each little jerk of the latter's hips as he attempts to get more friction, and shakily moans as he does.

Gasps of "please" and "more" mix in with the unintelligible moans and squeaks any time Janus is just a little too rough or speeds up the smallest amount.

There's never a moment of silence; the air is constantly filled with a pant or a grunt and Janus adores it. Though he does enjoy his silence, he could spend a lifetime listening to such perverse and beautiful noises, especially when paired with the visual of Patton's cock leaking pre over the bottom of Janus's shoe and his own stomach.

"Janus," Patton whines, warmth flooding his body. Drool spills from the corner of his lips, eyes squeezing shut and eyebrows raised. "Janus!"

"That's my name," Janus hums. "Doesn't it feel so good on your lips?"

Patton moans, providing enough of an answer. In response, Janus grinds the bottom of his shoe roughly against Patton's cock, earning a pathetic mewl.

"Janus, please-"

"Shh," Janus coos, sweetly. "You don't have to beg. You've done more than enough to earn a pathetic little orgasm. I know what you want. Go on, Patton. Come for me. And when you've finished, you can lick your mess off my shoes."

Nails digging into the ground beneath him, Patton's breath hitches.

"Go on, Patton. Thank me. Thank me for letting you have such an amazing orgasm. Thank me for letting you lick my boots."

"Thank you!" Patton immediately cries, bucking his hips upward and into Janus's shoe. "Thank you so much for- for letting me lick your shoes!" He cuts himself off with a moan, losing his train of thought for a few seconds. "Thank... thank you for touching me! Janus! Janus!"

Janus has to place a hand over his own mouth to keep a shuddering gasp from escaping. Patton is so dirty without even realizing it! There was a lot to be explored.

In a moments notice, Patton's crying out in a needy shout, semen spurting from his cock and messing the shoe he worked so hard on cleaning, as well as his own stomach. He's loud, red, and clearly overly pleasured as he comes, before finally Janus pulls his foot away, leaving Patton to pant as he comes down from his orgasm.

He gasps and pants, before Janus taps his foot against the floor, leading Patton to blearily push himself up.

"Come on, dear, you still have to clean up your mess," Janus urges, which has Patton immediately crawling forward, prepared to repeat the cycle for as long as Janus wants him to.

#sanders sides #sanders sides smut #not safe for sanders #agp smut #moceit #moceit smut #sanders sides kinktober #kinktober 2023

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heyyallitssatan · 7 months

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So I saw a headcanons about Janus being colour blind, and when he lies he can see colour for a minute, but no one else knows about it

So here’s my headcanons for how the dark boyfriends sides found out below the cut

Remus and Virgil were watching Disney conspiracy theories on YouTube when Janus came down to see what all the ruckus was about.

As it turned out they had since moved on from Disney conspiracy theories and were currently watching “Ultimate Trump Fail Compilation”. They were dying of laughter when they noticed Janus standing there staring at them.

They pulled him onto the couch and rewinded to the last clip, and watched Janus as he watched.

He fought back a smirk as he said in his usual deadpan tone, “Well that wasn’t the highlight of my day.”

They died, right then and there, all over again, Janus brand of deadpan sarcasm had always managed to get them going, especially when they were already giggly.

And with that one little lie, Janus saw something he had never seen before; Virgil’s eyeshadow had turned purple.

With every lie that Janus told, he got to experience colour vision for a moment, something he lacked the rest of the time, and given that, along with how little Virgil relaxed enough to make a colour change, this was the first time he had ever seen it.

“Virgil, your eyeshadow, it’s… purple.”

He had scrunched his face up in a look of confusion, something that Virgil’s over analysing brain took to mean he didn’t like it, as such, the eyeshadow started to lose its newfound colour, which Janus didn’t notice, thinking it was just his vision fading.

Remus popped up right in time to almost save it, “Of course it is J-anus”

And in a small, vulnerable voice, Janus asked, “Has it always been purple?” As he looked away from Virgil.

“Of course not Janny, only when he’s happy, and the storm cloud over there doesn’t do that often,” Remus responded, indicating to Virgil, who was still confused and staring silently.

The smallest ‘oh’ escaped his lips, as he stared down at the ground.”

“How could you not know that, it might be rare but he’s done it around us plenty enough for you to notice, I mean, even I did.”

While was faltering for words to write this off, some suave lie that would get him out of this and show him if there were any other colours he had missed Virgil seemed to at least somewhat piece together part of the puzzle.

“…You’ve never seen it change, have you?”

“No.”

“How have you never looked at me long enough to see it?”

“What? No, it’s not that, it’s not that at all, the truth is…”

“Come on Jan, tell us.”

“…I’m not colour blind.”

“Oh Jan, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know,” came from Virgil at the same time as Remus’, “Why the hell didn’t you tell us?”

“I…don’t know. I just…”

Virgil sighed, “It’s okay Jan, we can talk about it later, for now, let’s just watch the video.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what we should do.”

“Ok then, you want to explain?”

“…Yes.”

“C’mon work with us here, we gotta pick something.”

“Yea J-anus, explain, we’re just dying to know,” Remus responded as he mimicked some strange death scene, maybe Romeo?

“Fine…I’m not colour blind, and when I lie I can’t see colour.”

“Oh Jan…”

“Don’t, don’t pity me.”

“It’s not pity J-anus, he’s beating himself up for never realising, something he should stop doing before I turn in a brain eating amoeba a feat all the bad thoughts.”

“You are the bad thoughts?”

“Oh…I’ll eat myself then, starting now!”

“Yes of course Remus, you absolutely should,” Janus drawled out while he pulled Remus’ hand out of his mouth.

The night continued similarly, important conversations being had in between bouts of goofing off, mostly from Remus. He did it whenever one of them started thinking too much, they’d always had a bad habit of that, but it seemed to work, so he kept doing it.

Eventually all of the necessary explanations and talking had happened, and now they had to decide what to do. So naturally they chose for Janus to tell blatant lies over and over, so that he could see different colours they were showing him. It became a game of them describing the colours to him, then showing him, which seemed to make him laugh quite a bit. They also discover that when one of them lied Janus could see their colours, like their hair and clothes.

But of all the talking they had done that night, they had never really brought up Virgil’s eyeshadow again, but it stayed purple the rest of the night, and they realised that the white strike in Remus’ hair could glow radioactive green when he got excited.

At the end of the night, which was actually the beginning of the morning, they had shown Janus all of the colours they could imagine, so they asked him which was his favourite. He responded, in a quiet tired voice while he stared up at them from whatever strange pile they had found themselves in, where limbs went numb and melded together and no one really knew where they ended and someone else began, “Not purple, or green,” in an effort to see them one last time before his eyes finally slipped shut.

Virgil and Remus fell asleep just the same, but not before quietly admitting they they quite like yellow too.

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edupunkn00b · 13 days

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Progression, Ch. 1: Ready to Play

Photo by edupunkn00b

Ready to Play - Next - Masterpost - [ AO3 ] - Playlist

Day 1 of Dukeceit Week 2024: Sunflowers… totally not posted late

The Muse lay sprawled in sun-warmed soil, bright yellow and orange sunflowers towering over him, blocking most of the sun. Tiny hairs grew out of the thick green stalks surrounding him and he reached out, feeling their soft prickle like he could read the stories they had to tell by touch alone.

Now wouldn’t that be interesting?

But the stalks kept their secrets.

His fingers closed around the nearest stalk and he squeezed, sticky, acrid juice from its xylem seeping between his fingers and running up his sleeve. He laughed, tight and sharp and just this side of hysterical. Papa Bear was gonna be so mad if he stained his shirt.

The Muse laughed again, rusted nails in his throat.

Tears pricked his eyes and he squeezed them shut until his ears roared and his cheeks and neck were wet. When he opened them again, the sunflowers were gone, the sticky sunflower residue gone from his hands. The carpet by the door was rough against his cheek, textured to collect any stray dust or debris any of his visitors might track in from the outside.

Lucas had left him laying in his bed but he didn’t want to waste a moment of his visit with Jannie, so the second that damned door had closed, The Muse had scurried over to wait.

Jannie was now getting the same treatment he had, Lucas’ hands splayed over his skin, pressing in calm and peace. Pulling away the ache and hurt and panic that could set him off. Again.

It had been three fucking days since he’d last seen Jannie, last heard his voice, last touched his hand. His scars—the latest ones—were almost totally healed up the last they’d been together and Lucas and Papa Bear had even left them alone for a whole hour. But three fucking days?

It had been even longer since he’d last seen Ro.

The Muse closed his eyes and saw the sunflowers again. And waited.

“It is a temporary setback,” Janus murmured, relaxing against Lucas’ warm hands. He closed his eyes and let Lucas’ power buff away the edges of his disbelief.

But Luc couldn’t hide from him and his doubt rasped Janus’ mind. - “Temporary?”-

Janus covered Luc’a hands and nodded. “Yes,” he said aloud, wary of breaking his fragile concentration. He’d finished with Re and gone right to where Janus waited outside the twins’ wing. They only had four hours before Patton returned with the other two. That didn’t leave them much time. Especially if something went wrong.

“None of that now, love,” Luc murmured and a warmth washed over him, drawing away the worry and fear filling his lungs. “You’re right,” he said with more certainty than Janus heard in his thoughts. Janus clung to it anyway. “His last break was just a setback. This will work.”

Wrapped in the wisps of Luc’s power, Janus barely jumped when Re’s door flung open.

“Jannie!” A ball of noise and heat barreled into him, Re’s skinny arms wrapped tightly around him. The wave of fear and need and relief stole his breath and he held Re just as close.

“Jannie, you’re here! You’re here, you’re here, you’re here!” Tears thickened Re’s voice and the room around them grew dark and warm. Technicolored sunflowers shot up around them, leaves reaching for them and dusting Janus with their pollen.

“I’m here, Re, right here,” he said with words and thoughts. Gradually, the flowers around them shrunk down to a soft carpet of honeysuckle and mint.

Re nodded against his shoulder, fists twisted in his shirt. “You just came from work,” he said instead of asking.

“I did.” Janus kept his voice low and let his thoughts flow freely. Re was so much more coherent this visit, and the control of his flowers had been… different from before. “Ro reached out to me.”

Dandelions sprouted around him, tendrils creeping over his ankles and up his legs. Re trembled in his arms, shaking his head. “It didn’t hurt! It didn’t hurt either of us, I promise! Ro stayed outside the room the whole time, we just talked and played music and—“ His words fell into a babble, leaving only the fear in his thoughts as the flowers tightened their grip on Janus’ legs.

-“Re, I know,”- Janus didn’t bother with words, not with Re so close to the edge. -“I know,”- he repeated, carding his fingers through Re’s hair. No-one wanted to keep the brothers from each other but when Patton and Luc had needed six hours to calm Ro enough to stitch up his wounds from Re’s thorns…

Separation between the brothers had become increasingly required.

“No-one’s in trouble,” Janus promised. “Everything’s alright.”

“Really?” Re’s eyes were impossibly big.

“Really,” he said, smoothing back his hair.

Re’s eyes slipped shut and the ground softened beneath their feet. “Wanna cuddle?” he asked, smiling when Janus nodded.

Janus blinked and he was on his back, Re curled over his chest. “We could actually lie down, if you like,” he chuckled. “Not just in my mind.”

“Everything’s in your mind, Jannie,” he laughed, rich bells ringing out. “We’re just skipping the middleman.”

@imnotgrimimjustagrumpyreaper

#Progression #sanders sides #dukeceit #demus #platonic dukeceit #dukeceitweek2024 #ts remus #ts janus #ts lucas #The Mad Lads universe backstory

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mysisypheannightmare · 9 months

Text

Just Another Day (Chapter Two)

Word Count: 4,860

Warnings: Logan Angst, Sickfic, Fever, Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort (with actual comfort this time), Stream of Consciousness mixed with actual fully-written scenes, and All sides are present in this fic

Read Chapter One First

AO3 Link

He kept flinching away, Virgil noticed.

A part of him wanted to be grateful that it wasn't just him now, but all the other sides, too, that Logan was avoiding every time he was awake enough to recognize they were there with him. But, given Logan's last little freakout, it probably meant that something about the other sides was unsettling him so badly that he didn't want them there.

Well, maybe if he'd actually eat on his own or just get some actual sleep, then he'd stop having a stupid fever and feel better already…

Virgil felt a bit guilty for wanting Logan to just hurry up and get better already, but he couldn't help it. He had to hear Janus explain that Thomas was better from his fever the other day but was still dealing with a mental fog, likely thanks to whatever Logan was dealing with now. It's like the two were linked in some crazy way and managed to get each other sick.

If Thomas ever gets sick again after this, Virgil wasn't going to let there be an argument about it ever again. The man's going straight to bed, or better yet, a hospital! He should also probably make sure he's up to date on all his vaccines, too, just to be sure. This can't ever happen again. Not to Thomas and not to Logan.

"His fever has finally gone down a bit," Janus was telling Patton, who still looked distraught since the moment he even found out that Logan didn't seem to be doing too well. That hadn't been a fun conversation.

"He'll probably be back to himself in no time, alright?" Janus, of all sides, was trying to reassure Patton. Virgil hated that he couldn't tell if he was lying, even if it was only to make Patton feel better, but he certainly wouldn't put it past him. It was kind of his thing, after all.

Patton seemed to be cheered up ever so slightly by the news, however, so at least there was that.

He really hoped Logan was actually getting better.

"How's he doing?"

Roman turned to see Patton peek his head in, concern deep in his expression.

It was now the second day of them keeping a watchful eye over Logan. Roman was sitting in the chair they'd moved next to Logan's bed. He was keeping himself occupied with a coloring book and a box of crayons. It didn't take too much to keep him entertained while letting Logan sleep.

Speaking of…

"He keeps tossing and turning, but it's still better than yesterday," he informed Patton.

Patton stepped into the room and walked over, patting Logan on the head, only for him to shift away, turning on his side.

Roman sighed.

"I don't know what else we can do. I tried adding those pillows yesterday, but …well, you saw what happened. I guess he just can't get comfortable."

Patton gasped and then smiled wide.

"I may have just the thing!"

Roman watched, confused, as Patton ran off, ducking back out to the hallway in a hurry. He had no idea what he could possibly have planned, and he certainly didn't expect to see Patton return a minute later with an enormous stuffed animal in his arms.

It was a big white unicorn, nearly three feet tall, with bright, neon pink tufts of hair for a mane and a shiny rainbow horn sticking out of its head. The way its pink-colored hooves bounced as Patton walked back in, it was clear the unicorn's legs have more weight to them than the rest of the stuffed animal. Optimal for hugging, in fact.

Patton strode right up to Logan's bed and set the large plushie next to Logan with a triumphant grin. "That should do the trick!"

And somehow, he was right.

Roman watched as Logan turned over again on his other side again, almost instantly pulling the unicorn to his chest like it was meant to be there. He seemed to calm down right away, relaxing his shoulders and everything.

Finally.

It may have looked ridiculous for Logan to do such a thing, but if it got him to sleep more soundly, Roman would leave it be. He could just tease him about it later when he was no longer sick.

Logan woke up again, holding something soft to his chest. He tiredly opened his eyes, seeing only white fur with pink tufts sticking out… Oh! Palindrome, his stuffed unicorn! He hadn’t seen it in so long.

He squeezed it tighter to his chest, only to remember…he’d gotten rid of Palindrome over a year ago. So why was it here?

He glanced around to see he was still in his room. His mind seemed far clearer as he looked around some more and recognized everything was in its place, save for a new chair set next to his nightstand with a very bored-looking Janus sitting in it, flipping quietly through a book that Logan was fairly certain was from his own collection.

“…Janus?” he tried to say, but his voice came out exceptionally raspy. Wow, his throat really hurt, actually. Like he’d somehow managed to swallow barbed wire, the prickling sensation worsening as he tried to adjust to sit up on his elbows.

What on earth happened?

Janus looked over at him and quietly shut the book in his lap and set it aside.

"Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked him, an odd expression on his face. He seemed to be looking Logan over instead of just looking at his face. “Still tired?”

Logan narrowed his gaze at him, trying to decide what he meant by that. His mind seemed to be slow to give him his usual deductive reasoning, but was he implying Logan was tired earlier? Why would he ask that?

He opened his mouth to ask for clarification but somehow managed to choke on air, and let out a pathetic cough into the side of Palindrome’s head.

He frowned. Oh, he really hadn’t meant to do that.

“Thirsty?” Janus asked, and as Logan looked up again, he noticed a water bottle being held out to him.

He took it, aware that his arms felt very weak. He tried to sit up just enough so he could take a quick sip of the water, and then he finally asked the burning question…

“What… Uhm, what happened?”

Janus stared at him for a moment, that same unreadable expression on his face.

“It seems you had a fever, Logan,” he finally answered, leaning back in his chair again.

Logan waited, but Janus didn’t continue.

“Care to elaborate?” Logan asked, now trying to sit up properly and lean back against his headboard. It was more of a struggle than he expected, but he managed it regardless. He set Palindrome at his side, trying to resist the urge to hug the stuffed animal for comfort that he knew he didn’t need.

“Depends,” Janus responded, almost cryptically. “What do you remember?”

Logan sighed. He sure didn’t remember having a fever, but unless Janus was lying – which was extremely likely – then he couldn’t really be sure of anything that happened after Thomas had started feeling off and had thrown up yesterday…

“Oh,” he realized, “Thomas was sick."

Janus nodded. “Yep, had a fever, and then you managed to catch one, too.”

Ah, a fever probably wasn’t good, now that he thought about it. Though, Logan wasn’t even sure the sides could become ill. Patton and Roman had claimed to be sick a few times over the years, but they seemed to always be fine after having one of the others take care of them for a couple hours. He’d honestly thought they were just in need of some relaxation and special attention, not actually sick in the way a human could be, but maybe he’d been wrong.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time…

“Is he doing better now?” Logan couldn’t help but ask.

Thomas’ health was definitely the priority here, so he ought to make sure.

“Considering it’s been about three days since his fever broke and he’s gone right back to normal? Yes, I’d say he’s doing much better.”

Janus looked over at him then, as though waiting for something.

Logan blinked, glancing away. Wait…three days? “Did you say three…? But wasn’t that just…”

How could that have been three days ago? Thomas had only gotten sick just yesterday! How long had Logan been sick then?

How long had they had to put up with him being out of it, especially if he couldn’t even recall a single moment from the whole ordeal? Hopefully he hadn’t completely inconvenienced everyone or kept Thomas from any important activities. Three days was such a large amount of time.

He sat up some more. He looked across the room to his desk, where his laptop sat open and ready for work.

Maybe he should check his schedule, just to see how far behind he had gotten…

"You really don’t remember then? Any of it?” Janus asked, some sort of emotion lacing his words. But what emotion was there, Logan couldn’t be sure.

He looked over at Janus. He seemed bothered.

Oh, no.

Had Logan done something burdensome? He didn’t know what it was, but he hoped he could make it up to him and the others. There were far too many possibilities if it occurred due to illness. Maybe it wasn’t anything too awful and a quick apology and some acts of kindness would suffice?

"I’m sorry if I bothered you in any way,” he told Janus right away, trying to adjust and move the blankets off so he could stand. His arms were still shaking a bit, but he needed to get back to work quickly if things had really been that bad. “I can assure you it won’t happen again.”

Janus eyed him as he tried to stand on wobbly legs. He rolled his eyes before sighing heavily and reaching over to push Logan back down onto the bed.

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Janus told him flatly. "You're probably not fully well just yet."

Logan wanted to disagree, but he couldn't be sure. He looked over at his nightstand, seeing his glasses lying there, so he picked them up and put them on. His eyes adjusted slowly and with his vision clearing, he felt confident he was probably fine after all.

"If you don't remember, perhaps I should fill you in," Janus offered.

Logan glanced over at him, and Janus took the opportunity to explain in vague detail that Logan hadn't been seen by the other sides most of the day after Thomas had initially gotten his fever.

Once Thomas was better, they'd all assumed everything was fine…until they realized Logan was missing, so they'd gone looking for him. Apparently he was in his room, dazed out of his mind, sitting at his desk for some reason. Virgil and Remus got him to bed, but when they came back to check on him, he'd gotten up again and each time was either wandering around aimlessly in his room or sitting at his desk again, doing nothing.

"It was frustrating how many times we had to redirect you because you wouldn't sleep, for whatever reason," Janus said with a laugh.

Logan grimaced. That sounded very annoying for them.

"Apologies. I hope it wasn't too much of a problem."

Janus looked at him.

"It wasn't a problem."

Again, Logan wasn't sure what emotion was there in Janus' words, but there was definitely something. He felt awful not being able to assign it, but that had never been his forte, after all. He couldn't be expected to understand something that he wasn't meant to, even if he kept trying and failing for years at this point to do just that.

Janus sighed, continuing his explanation,

“By the next day, things got… well, they got a bit intense there for a while.”

Logan wasn’t sure he wanted to know what that meant. He found out anyway.

“You seemed terrified any time you were awake and one of us tried to help you with anything. A single touch had you backing away, even if we were just trying to get you to drink some water..”

Oh. Logan tried to remember why that might be, but his mind didn’t supply him a reason. He didn't find himself typically afraid of the others, so there was no reasonable explanation for him to do such a thing.

“And when you slept, you seemed to have nightmares. Painful ones, from the looks of it.”

Well, that probably wasn’t fun to deal with, either. No wonder Janus seemed bothered.

"Around the height of your fever, you had somehow managed to get out of bed and run across the room, tried to grab…I think it was a letter opener? Who knows what you were planning to do exactly, but when we finally stopped you, you…said you were trying to die for us.”

Janus stared at him, willing him to remember. But Logan didn’t remember anything like that at all.

Why would he have done something like that?

Perhaps his mind believed he was in danger or maybe they misunderstood the situation? That's such an odd response, though, even for someone who's ill.

“That…sounds burdensome,” Logan stated, in lieu of having anything else to say. “I’m sorry.”

Janus sighed, leaning back again.

"You really don’t remember? At all?" he asked again.

Logan shook his head.

“Well, there goes my hope of getting some answers at least,” Janus responded. “And what about all the mumbling you made in your sleep about Thomas replacing you?”

Logan froze. Well, that he remembered, but not from his time being sick. He’d been sure for quite a long time now that Thomas ought to replace him, find a suitable Logic that functioned and performed adequately, who didn’t constantly cause problems and instead fixed them like he was meant to. Had he mentioned that out loud?

“Uhh…”

“And something about not being productive enough? Being useless?” Janus added.

Logan swallowed, a pain in his chest rapidly starting to ache. Had he really said that? He was hoping none of them would find out how badly behind he'd been on his work.

He was able to get most of Thomas’ necessary tasks taken care of every day, but as time went on, his energy always seemed to dwindle, and lately, he’d been downright terrible about keeping proper tabs on everything. He had been covering it up well enough so that it wouldn't bother anyone or cause further problems, but that clearly wasn’t the case anymore if they knew.

How was he going to fix this? Did this mean they would replace him, after all? They would have to, right?

His breath felt shallow. But he'd been expecting to be replaced eventually, hadn't he? He was certain this was supposed to happen, just not so soon!

His throat felt tight, and his mind started racing, but it seemed Janus wasn’t finished yet.

“Oh yeah, and then there was a remark in there about how this was supposed to happen. Does that ring any bells to you?”

Logan squeezed his eyes shut, trying to breathe steadily, but absolutely failing.

Yes, of course he had thought about these things for quite a while, but none of the others were ever meant to know about it!

He was supposed to keep existing until the moment he could finally resolve all those problems he'd tallied up over time, even if the biggest problem was himself. He was supposed to stay for as long as he was useful, even if he’d already been found to be useless. He never wanted them to know how pathetic he was and had been all this time. He'd wanted to fix things before Thomas found out, at the very least.

What would he do now? Janus couldn’t have been the only one to know. What would the others do? Did Thomas know already? Were they replacing him already? What was going to happen to him?

He was supposed to have more time to fix everything before it had to end. He'd thought about it so much, but he was only biding his time and getting what little done that he could, then he would address it outright with Thomas, because he deserved to know…just not yet! It was supposed to happen, just not yet!

Was this inevitable? Was this always going to happen, the truth would come out before he had the chance to fix everything, even if he hadn’t somehow fallen ill?

Logan’s mind wouldn’t shut up or let him catch up on everything. He tried not to panic, but none of this could possibly end well.

Would it even end at all?

"Logan, breathe, please!” Janus pleaded next to him.

Oh. He wasn't breathing. That's probably what that pain was. Oh, no.

“You’re going to be okay," Janus told him.

He wasn't going to be okay. He messed everything up and hadn't even figured out a way to fix it!

"I wasn’t trying to confront you about this right now," Janus continued. "I just wanted to see if you had remembered… Perhaps, not my best move, all things considered.”

How could this have happened? What was he supposed to do now? He'd have to change everything, but if they all already knew, what could he possibly do to fix it? He couldn't fix anything! But if he couldn't fix anything, Thomas and the others would still be left with all the problems he'd left unresolved!

They'd all be so disappointed. They probably already were.

His chest ached.

He tried to imagine how the others would have reacted, but all he could think about was how he hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone or make them think they’d done anything wrong. He wasn't supposed to leave them with any burden. But now he’d gone and bothered everyone for no reason!

They all knew he’d been useless to Thomas and believed he deserved whatever fate came of that…

They must have been so upset with him.

“Logan.”

But it wasn’t as though this was the first time, right?

“Keep trying.”

They would never understand. He wouldn’t be able to make them understand. He already knew that from the start.

“Please.”

He really should have expected this.

…something about that thought was far too sobering.

He took in a deep breath and his vision seemed to clear up. Right, breathing is a good thing. Of course.

He managed to get in another deep breath, but it still felt as though his throat was tight and his heart was beating way too fast. What was wrong with him?

"There we go," Janus said in barely a whisper. "Honestly, I thought I was going to have to do it for you again."

"Again?" Logan squeaked out, looking up at him. "What… do what again? What do you mean?"

Janus frowned.

"When you were panicking before, when you were still feverish, you had tried to hurt yourself… You wouldn't calm down, so I…helped," he explained, then looked away. "Or tried to, anyway."

"How?" Logan couldn't help but ask, his breathing finally starting to slow back down. His chest hurt. Everything hurt.

"It's just a trick I know," Janus replied. "I have so very many of them, after all."

Logan watched as Janus leaned back, looking more like the Janus he knew rather than the worried mess he'd awoken to. Maybe that was a good thing?

Janus turned back to him then, squinting as he added, "You know, I haven't used that one on anyone in years. It just makes you calm down really fast, it's better for things like panic attacks. Virgil had gotten so mad the last time that I used it on him, he…" Janus trailed off, covering his mouth. "But it sure seemed like you needed it. I can only hope it actually helped."

Logan blinked.

"If I could remember, I would tell you."

Janus nodded. "I believe you. But I would also rather not have to do it again… which means you'll need to talk to me, or at least someone about what's been going on."

He stared at him intently, and Logan tried not to react, without making it obvious he was pointedly ignoring the suggestion. He let himself breathe, trying to get back to some semblance of normal.

"Those kinds of thoughts rarely spring from nothing, Logan," Janus remarked.

Logan didn't really want to think about it, if he were honest. It was always so much harder to understand if he let himself think about it. There had been so much and he had no desire to see the consequences of these actions anytime soon.

But clearly Janus wanted him to make a decision anyway.

"I'm aware," he responded. "I'll consider it."

Janus just continued to stare.

"Please do."

They, thankfully, didn't discuss it further. Janus let him rest a while longer before insisting he eat something.

Logan tried not to think about everything that was being left unsaid.

It was when Patton visited him again later that day that he decided to address the issue with the stuffed animal. The issue being that it wasn't meant to be in his room anymore.

“Did you bring this here?” Logan asked, holding out the stuffed unicorn plushie so that Patton could take it back. Sure, he could admit that he had missed Palindrome, but it wasn’t as though anyone else would know that.

Patton smiled brightly, taking the stuffed animal into his arms and letting its big hooves wiggle back and forth as he gave it a quick hug.

“Oh, Palindrome had shown up in my room a while back,” he told him, taking a seat in the chair that still sat next to Logan's bed. “I tried to return her when she first appeared, but you said she wasn’t lost. You said… I think you said something about not needing her anymore?”

Logan recalled why he’d willed the stuffed animal away in the first place. He wasn't meant to keep sentimental items in his room anymore, so he put them away in storage and got rid of them entirely. He wasn't sure where Palindrome would end up, but considering Patton seemed to already have an ever-growing collection of stuffed animals in his room, it certainly didn't surprise him that it ended up there.

“That sounds about right," he replied.

Patton continued, “I figured I would let her stay with me until you needed her again, so I gave her as many puzzles I could find to play with, and any time a new book showed up, I’d give it to her to read! She seems to really like them!”

Logan wanted to be grateful, but he didn’t understand why Patton was telling him all of this.

"…this doesn’t really answer my question, Patton. Clearly, you brought her here… I mean… Uhm. You returned this stuffed animal for a reason, right?”

He didn’t like sounding attached to an inanimate object, but that didn’t seem to matter to Patton as he replied with a laugh,

“Well, sure!” Patton pushed the unicorn back into Logan’s lap, tilting the animal’s head up at him. “You needed Palindrome back, didn’t you?”

Logan grimaced. “I don’t think—”

"Whenever I’m sick, my stuffed animals are always the biggest comfort when I’m trying to sleep,” Patton explained. “It only makes sense that Palindrome could help you be comfortable, too. Isn’t that just logic? It has to be.”

Logan wasn’t sure what it was, but it definitely wasn’t logic. Not that explaining that would help matters. He sighed.

“While I appreciate the gesture, Patton—”

“Will you keep her, then?” he asked Logan earnestly.

Logan paused and looked away. He really should just get to the point with this.

He handed the stuffed toy back to Patton yet again.

“Like I said, I don’t need a stuffed animal. And certainly not to sleep comfortably.”

It was the truth. He didn’t require comfort, let alone comfort items. He’d willed the unicorn away last year because it was beyond time for him to stop clinging to a toy so unnecessarily. If anything, Patton seemed the exact type to enjoy having an extra stuffed animal around, so it was best for him to keep her, not Logan.

Logan didn't need it, Patton wanted it, so this just made sense.

He’d made up his mind about this.

Patton leaned forward ever so slightly.

“She misses you.”

…what?

Logan whipped his head back to see Patton staring right into his eyes. He tried not to squirm under such harsh attention but failed as he started to shift uncomfortably.

Patton reached out, setting the unicorn right back on Logan’s lap resolutely, and then continued to look at him with determination.

“I don’t want her to think she’s alone,” he told Logan, his voice and eyes portraying true honesty, “even with all her friends around her. I know she likes to do things by herself, but I think it’s important that she at least have that chance for comfort when she needs it most.”

He gave the smallest smile after that. “Don’t you agree?”

Logan wasn’t sure what to think.

Palindrome was just some stuffed toy. Easy to toss aside and forget. Even easier to replace, with something better, more suitable. It's as though the damn thing was built to be useless, as though it was meant to be tossed aside eventually. Even if he had kept it around for a long time until now, why would Patton or anyone else think anything important could ever come from such a thing?

“What if she doesn’t need it?” Logan asked.

Patton’s smile faded.

“Everyone needs it. Even if it’s in a different way than we expect, but that’s okay. It’s always okay.”

But it’s so excessive. They didn’t need to waste time providing comfort for someone—for something that didn’t deserve it, that didn’t appreciate it! It couldn’t care, it couldn’t reciprocate, it couldn’t do anything that could ever help anyone else! It was useless!

“Wouldn’t it be easier to just get rid of her?” he asked, his voice almost a whisper.

Why not just remove the problem? Why wouldn’t they just make things easier for themselves instead of trying to cater to something they didn’t even understand? It’s not like he could even begin to tell them--

“I don’t think so. I think she’s right where she belongs.” Patton reached out to pet the fur on top of Palindrome’s head, adding softly, “But it looks like maybe her friends could have done a better job at reminding her of that… but they want to try now. Do you think she’d let them?”

Logan peered down at the unicorn in his lap, trying not to cry. This felt awful, it felt wrong.

"What if she’s scared it will only make things worse?”

Why was he playing along with this? What could this possibly accomplish? Nothing was ever going to change, so why even try?

“I think she deserves the chance to see what it could be like, Logan.”

His breath came out shakily as he tried to hold back the tears building in his eyes. There was so much that didn’t make sense, so much that could go wrong, but they wanted to do this anyway? He didn’t understand why they would bother.

Logan squeezed at Palindrome’s sides, still resisting the urge to hug her. He didn’t deserve that comfort, he knew that. It didn’t stop the thought from invading his mind, though.

Any time these pesky emotions stirred up, he knew all the books and research he’d read claimed he needed to examine them and then feel them and move on, but it was as though a tightly locked door was between him and these feelings, and even if he tried to open it willingly, he couldn’t seem to get inside, even for just a look.

He knew he would never be able to understand himself or what he was feeling. Nothing would ever change that. And it was his own fault. No one else should have to deal with that. It wouldn’t be fair. He was supposedto handle this on his own.

“Logan,” Patton reached out, just barely laying a hand over his arm. “Do you think you could try?”

He wasn’t sure. It didn’t seem like the right thing to do, but he just wasn’t sure. He… he wanted to, but he was terrified to know what would come of it. He wanted to but he didn’t want to bother them with all of this. He wanted to, but he couldn't possibly convince himself he would ever deserve it.

But he wanted to.

And he wasn’t sure he’d ever wanted much of anything before, except for things to finally end.

Maybe this was a different way… a better way.

He held his breath and looked up at Patton.

And nodded.

#logan angst #logan sanders #fanfiction #ts logan #long post #sanders sides #catch me finding an excuse to finally write something involving logan having a giant stuffed unicorn plush #bc i drew him crying and hugging one years ago and im tired od pretending that it's not my favorite headcanon

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emoprincey · 11 months

Text

It Must Come To An End (analoroceit)

I know it's the end of the week, but I finally managed to get something done for analoroceit week!! Thanks @loganisanobody for hosting this awesome event! This is actually the prequel to an au I've been planning for a while, the title is from Mamma Mia, you'll see why...

I used the day 2 prompt: Argument/taking sides.

Writing taglist: @iclaimedtobethebetterbard

It was ironic, Virgil thought, that he worried so much about everything, but he hadn’t seen this coming.

He and Janus had been arguing more often recently, over every conceivable thing. What to eat for dinner, the price of their dates. It didn’t help that Virgil had felt more irritable than usual lately, so even the clinking of Janus's spoon against his coffee mug was enough to set him on edge.

"Will you stop that?" Virgil snapped one morning, when the sound of Janus stirring his drink became too much to bear.

"Well, I'm sorry for stirring my coffee in my own kitchen," Janus shot back with a glare.

"You could at least be quieter about it, you're giving me a headache," Virgil grumbled.

"You're welcome to sleep at your own apartment if you wish," Janus said shortly.

The only reason Virgil had stayed at Janus's last night was because they'd finally managed to schedule a date with both Roman and Logan, and afterwards the four of them had curled up in Janus's king-sized bed. It would've been nice, if Janus didn't keep complaining about Virgil’s cold elbows poking him, and Virgil himself wasn't plagued with waves of nausea throughout the night.

Virgil was about to retort, but he was interrupted.

"Everything alright?" Roman's voice came from the doorway. He was leaning sleepily against the doorframe, looking gorgeous in the baggy white T-shirt he'd slept in, with his hair tousled and falling into his eyes.

Virgil momentarily forgot about his annoyance, until Janus spoke again.

"It's fine, Virgil is just feeling a little tired." His tone was smooth, as if nothing was amiss between the two of them.

Roman didn't seem to notice anything was off, because he kissed Janus's cheek before he walked over to massage Virgil’s shoulders.

"How are you feeling, love? Perhaps we could get Logan to give you a proper massage later."

Virgil sighed, relaxing into his touch. "I'd like that. Where is he, anyway? It's not like him to be the last one up."

Roman shrugged. "Maybe he partied a little too hard last night and needs to sleep it off."

Virgil snickered. They'd only been out to a restaurant, and he doubted the singular glass of wine Logan had would be enough to bother him.

"I can assure you, I am not hungover in the slightest," Logan said, walking into the kitchen already dressed in a black polo shirt and trousers from the small supply of clothes he kept at Janus's place. He gave Roman a look of disapproval and headed over to the fridge. "I simply wanted to get dressed before breakfast."

Roman just chuckled and made his way over to Logan. He kissed him sweetly and Logan immediately melted into it.

Virgil noticed Janus watching the two of them with a soft expression, and sent a smile in his direction. No matter how much the two of them fought, they both loved their boyfriends. Virgil hoped that whatever happened between him and Janus wouldn't end up hurting either of them.

The end had still come as a shock. When Janus said they should break up, Virgil had stared at him in silence for a few moments, unsure how to respond.

The next few days were rough. Virgil stayed at his own apartment, and barely responded to any of Roman or Logan's texts. He was just glad the two of them weren't breaking up with him as well.

He was sitting on the sofa when he heard a knock at his door. The TV was on so his apartment wouldn't feel too silent, but he had the volume too low to actually listen to what the hosts of whatever boring talkshow were saying as he scrolled through Tumblr on his phone.

When Virgil opened his door, his eyes widened in surprise. He'd known that one of his boyfriends would probably want to visit him soon, but he hadn’t expected this. Roman stood there, looking devastated. His hair was messed up, and his face was blotchy with tear-stains.

"I just broke up with Janus," Roman said.

"Oh," was all Virgil said, before he wrapped Roman in his arms. Roman crumpled into the hug, as Virgil was the only thing keeping him standing, and sobbed into his shoulder.

Once Roman calmed down a little bit, Virgil guided him inside and put the kettle on to make Roman's favourite herbal tea.

"Are you okay?" Roman asked Virgil when he sat down, which was absurd because Roman had been the one crying into his shoulder just a moment ago. The last thing he should be doing was worrying about Virgil.

Virgil just shrugged. "I didn't mean to make you choose me over him," he said quietly, dipping his head.

Roman sighed, then leaned over to press a kiss to the side of Virgil’s head. "You didn't make me do anything. I was mad at him for the way he treated you, but I made my own decision. Besides... me and Janus have been fighting for a while now."

"Oh?" Virgil raised his head slightly.

"Yeah," Roman said. "We tried to tone it down when you and Lo were around, but he's really been getting on my nerves, and I know I've been getting on his."

Virgil felt bile rise up in his throat, though he was sure it wasn't at the statement.

It must've shown on his face, because Roman looked at him with concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just feeling a little sick, is all," Virgil said.

"Do you need to go to a doctor?" Roman asked.

"No, I'll be fine," Virgil said. "It'll pass."

Virgil paced around his small bathroom. He was sure he was fine. He'd just been feeling a bit under the weather recently, there was no way-

But it was best to be sure.

He couldn’t bring himself to glance at the pregnancy test on the counter. After everything that had happened with Janus, the last thing he needed was something else to worry about.

Finally, he convinced himself to look down and check the result.

"Shit."

#sanders sides #analoroceitweek2023 #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #janus sanders #ts roman #ts logan #ts janus #ts virgil #anxceit #roceit #loceit #logince #prinxiety #analogical #analoroceit

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multi-fandomedfreak · 8 months

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Face Painting Party // Sanders Sides

Author's note: IM SO SORRY I DELETED THE ORIGINAL REQUEST IM GONNA TRY MY BEST TO DO IT FROM MEMORY SO SORRY IF I GET THINGS WRONG. Also sorry this took way too long, school has been taking up so much of my time 😭

Characters: All the sides but this is a Virgil x reader type thing

⚠️ Warnings ⚠️: Remus being Remus, insinuations of blood, mentions of genitalia

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

The Sides could only be described in one word: Chaotic.

No matter what it is that they are doing together it somehow always turns into chaos. It's a miracle if there could go a day without hearing some kind of commotion going on around the house.

Which is - kind of -why you don’t like to hang out all together often. Sometimes you prefer your solitude. It may sound lonely but it really wasn’t since you always had Virgil with you. Which yes does contradict but honestly, you just accepted the fact that you and Virgil are alone together. It somehow made sense.

He gets a bit overwhelmed in a large group from time to time and it gives you both the perfect excuse to get out of there to spend time together. Spending time with Virgil was so much more calming than any other Side. Sure you loved the others but Virgil was something…special.

Anyway, of course, you both loved the Sides too much (although Virgil has a hard time admitting it) to skip out of every group event. Plus they all have their unique but very effective ways to force you to go if you said no. (Affectionately)

And this was one of those times.

You were curled up on the couch rewatching a show from a while ago but couldn’t even get past half of the first episode when Pattons cheeky smile made its way into your view. An amused chuckle escaped you and you paused the TV, showing Patton he had your full attention.

“Sooo…yknow..hoowww…my birthday..is coming up?” Patton drawled this out with his hands clasped behind his back, swaying back and forth on the balls of his feet. “Aaand how you're one of my best friends?” He tilted his head innocently when saying this.

This made you raise a knowing eyebrow at him since he only talked this way when he was trying to convince you to do something. Most likely something you didn’t wanna do. Which made you sigh but you kept a small smile for his sake.

“What is it, Patton?” You asked simply and found it amusing with how quickly he stopped beating around the bush.

“Wanna come to my face painting birthday party?”

His smile turned into a small huff the instant he saw the look on your face, knowing that you didn't want to attend.

"Pleaseeeee??"

“Well, you know how I feel about being that touchy with people, Patton. And I…”

That’s when Patton pulled out his not so secret weapon; the puppy dog eyes.

“…”

So obviously you went. But the moment you walk into the messy face-painting fiasco, you almost immediately regret it.

Paint is splattered all over the walls, Logan is pretending to not enjoy having his face painted by Patton, Remus is holding down Janus so he can paint on him with what you were hoping was red paint, and Virgil is (surprisingly) letting Roman paint on the back of his hand.

Relaxing at the fact that Virgil was here, you walked over to where Virgil was sitting on the floor. Roman had gone to do something else by the time you were walking over and Virgil's eyes flickered over to you. When they brightened at the realization you were there, butterflies made their way into your stomach and you smiled at the familiar sensation.

It never failed to amaze you how he managed to make you feel so secure but also so nervous.

You were still overcome with the onslaught of butterflies when you leaned down and asked with a mischievous glint in your eyes, “Wanna get out of here?”

Just as Virgil was nodding his head you heard Patton's voice say, “ah ah ah” from behind you while doing his Dad Stance™️ Which was just his hands on his hips with one leg sticking out while looking at the both of you with a no-nonsense face.

“You��re not going anywhere until both of you have something painted on your face.”

Both you and Virgil were gonna groan in protest but shut up when Patton pointed two fingers at his eyes and then towards you as he slowly started to back away. That was until he ran into the couch which made you and Virgil snort. But either way, you listened to Patton and sat down next to Virgil, knees touching. Something you both were way too aware of but said nothing.

"Well... let's get this over with. You're the only one I trust to paint on my face anyway." Virgil muttered while turning to face you. You reach for some face paint to try to hide your flushed expression but don’t realize that Virgil went to do the same thing.

Virgil flinched his hand back and cleared his throat to try to ignore the red creeping up his cheeks. But you on the other hand just tried to bite back your smile and picked up some white paint. You looked around for a paintbrush but couldn’t find one so you decided to just use your fingers, smearing around the white paint.

Knowing that you would have to touch his face for a while made a burst of butterflies explode in your stomach. Swallowing hard you tried to think of something to say and attempt to distract yourself from how bad the butterflies tickled.

“So uhm…you gonna paint me first?” Virgil tried to say nonchalantly as he scratched the inside of his eye, his gaze flickering from your fingers to the floor, while his face became a deeper shade of red.

“Yeah, want it to be a surprise?” You asked with a small smirk as you wiggles your paint smeared fingers at him.

He snorted at your teasing and gave you a single nod as he leaned in, his adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed. You met him in the middle and began to glide your fingers across his face.

Your fingertips felt cold compared to how hot his face was. This was one of the many things you noticed while being this close together. Like how he couldn't meet your eyes for more than a split second but you could still see the longing he held. How he had small, barely there birthmarks hidden under his bangs.

Maybe this was why you couldn’t help but graze your fingers just a moment longer than you had to every time you painted a part of his face. And maybe this was the reason you started to become so hyper-aware of every little thing he did.

Like how he started fidgeting with a part of your pants. or when his tongue would occasionally flick out to wet his lips every once in a while.

Even though you felt nerves beyond belief due to your closeness, you also felt overjoyed. It was quite the roller coaster of emotions.

After a while of painting, fidgeting, and longing gazes, you finally finished the skeleton face on Virgil. When you leaned back to admire your work - and Virgil - you noticed how the tips of his ears went red.

He looked cute like this, you thought, noting how his purple hair was a nice contrast to the black and white paint. Along with the fact that the black paint around his eyes pretty much looked like his everyday eyeshadow.

The sound of him clearing his throat brought you back to reality, making you realize you were staring at him for a little too long, which made your ears burn red this time.

His eyes flickered over to your ears and gave you a small half smile while he grabbed some nearby face paint.

“So…what do you have in mind for my face paint?”

Although you were in a loud room because of the others, it felt as though you broke a thick silence. To be fair this was the first time one of you spoke since you started the face painting process.

“Hey, no spoilers allowed.” He said with a mischievous grin while he beckoned you to come closer. Once you did, he began to smear a light blue base coat on your face.

You had nothing else to say at this point. Which was sorta weird considering when you and Virgil hung out you couldn’t shut up. But to be honest, how can one concentrate on words when the feeling of his gentle fingers grazed your face.

It was weirdly relaxing how the paint felt on your face which was warmed by the heat of his fingers. It felt nice to be this pampered. You felt quite relaxed until Virgil thought it would be a good idea to lean even closer to you.

That’s when your heart started to beat out of control. He didn’t seem to notice that he did nor your reaction to his closeness. If he did, he was doing an amazing job at hiding it.

You assumed it was so that he could get the details of the paint right since neither of you had a paint brush. But a part of you knew that he really loved the closeness as well. Even if he didn’t intentionally show it.

It seemed impossible not to notice things about him at this point. Especially his lips. It was as if your eyes had a mind of their own. Every time you caught yourself looking at his lips you would look away but somehow always found your gaze drifting back to his lips.

A soft, barely there gasp brought you out of your stupor. Once your eyes focused you realized that Virgil had noticed how close you two were. But he didn’t seem to make an effort to back away at all. You didn’t particularly mind that. Especially when his eyes seemed to be drifting down towards your lips too.

You didn’t know if it was your mind playing tricks on you but you could’ve sworn he was getting closer. Or maybe you were. You didn’t really care. All you cared about was finding out how his lips would feel on yours.

“REMUS, NO!! I KNOW WHAT YOUR TRYING TO DRAW ON ME!!”

Romans ear breaking screech made you both jump away from each other and frantically look around to see what the problem was.

Looking over, you saw how Romans face has two circles and a U shaped line almost connecting the circles. Remus was chasing him around with a sharpie while he had scribbling all over his face.

“Remus, please stop trying to draw male genitalia on Roman.” Logan insisted from his spot on the couch, a comically large cup of wine in one hand while the other rubbed his forehead.

Seeing and hearing all of this, you gave Virgil a side eyes to see if he was seeing the same thing you were. He happened to do the same thing you did and when you both locked eyes, you burst out laughing.

The type that had both of you leaning against each other wheezing and when your laughter was reduced to small giggles, Patton came over to you two and gasped in delight.

“Oh my goodness!! You did Jack and Sally!? I knew you two made the cutest couple!!” Patton exclaimed before bounding away, leaving you behind with flustered expressions. Both from having Patton call you a couple and from the fact you both accidentally matched with your face paint.

Looking around for a mirror, you snatched one off the dining table and looked at the face paint. And sure enough you looked almost identical to Sally.

It was an impressive and flattering work of art. Looking over at Virgil he too had found a mirror and was admiring your art work. He looked over at you and seemed to get even more flustered, probably remembering what almost happened.

You walked over to him with a smile on your face that you just couldn’t shake off and looked up at him shyly.

“Well…wanna get out of here?” You asked, hoping he would want to resume what had almost happened.

All he did was give you giddy smile, take your hand, and walk out of there with you by his side.

You made a mental note to thank Patton for making you come the party.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #thomas sanders sides #logan sanders #sanders sides x reader #roman sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #janus sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders x reader

36 notes · View notes

pencilpat · 5 months

Text

Sanders Sides: College AU - Part 5

Logan finally has a talk with Janus. Virgil is noticing some changes to Patton's behavior that are a bit familiar. Janus realizes a heart can't stay closed forever with such insistent knockers on its door.

4,062 words

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Janus is practically dragging herself on her crutches as she tries to make it around the school. Over-the-counter pain killers aren’t cutting it today, and she grumbles under her breath as the crowds begin dispersing quicker, the bell toll nearing. Already wobbling and stumbling, it takes one bit of slippery floor for her foot to come out from under her. Janus falls with a yelp, her backpack only serving to crush her further down. She groans and curses, laying limply on the floor from pain, trying to breathe.

She can’t seem to will her arms to be strong enough to lift herself up, even when trying to pull herself up with her crutches. She lets out a loud sigh in the empty hallway, resting her forehead on the cool floor despite how gross it is. The bell sounds anyway, uncaring of her plight. Footsteps fill the hall after a few long moments, and she grits her teeth, prepared for embarrassment. The footsteps round the corner, and stop. Great.

“Janus?”

Oh. Even better. Someone that knows her. Wonderful. She turns her head and sees Logan, hanging back slightly in the hall.

“The floor is not a very sanitary place to rest,” she says, straight-faced.

“10 minutes later than usual?” Janus drones in a mimic of Lo’s voice. Logan’s face falls into a frown, but not an angry or upset one, it’s something worse; pity. Janus turns her face away again, burning with embarrassment. Logan comes over to her, crouching beside her.

“I was preoccupied this morning,” Lo says in a mumble. “Do you need help getting up?”

Janus so badly wants to turn down the help out of spite, but desperate times and all. “If you could. Thanks.”

Logan hums, and then hefts her up into a sitting position by her shoulders. She grabs her crutches, and sets them up in a standing position. “Are you able to pull yourself up using them?” Janus nods dully, gripping the handles of the crutches and, slowly, with Logan’s help, pulling herself up and back into the support of her mobility aids. She’s panting slightly from weakness.

Logan looks at her, that same sympathetic frown tilting her lips downward. “Will you be okay?” she offers, touching Janus’s shoulder in an oddly warm gesture given how Janus usually knows her. Janus nods, lips pressed together thinly, her brow slightly sweaty. “We will be in less trouble if we are both late. The professor likes me. I will explain your fall. You just sit down.”

And she does, crutching silently through the lecture room and into her usual seat under the watchful gaze of the entire class while Logan pauses up front, murmuring to the paused professor. The professor nods at her, glancing at Janus, and with an even quieter muttering he sends Logan to her seat as well. Logan sits with a sigh, massaging her temples. Janus has her head rested on the table, trying to take the chance to rest. Logan reaches over and takes Janus’s notebook. “I will copy notes for you. Please, just rest.”

Janus can’t meet Logan’s eyes, staring at the dark wood of the desk instead; the genuine pity in her eyes is more physically painful than her physical pain. Nodding, she silently concedes to it. She hides her face in her arms, as though they can hide every ugly, broken part of her if she buries deep enough into her yellow sweater. She breathes out slowly, trying to relax, even if just for a bit before the day full of classes.

She ends up half asleep, and Logan’s tapping of her arm wakes her up to the students clearing out of the room. Logan is standing, half ready to go, looking down at her with that same oddly soft look. “I take it the couchmate has been a… nuisance?”

Janus laughs half-heartedly. “No, it’s actually… actually the opposite. I’ve been more of a nuisance I suppose.” Logan notices how far off and exhausted her voice sounds, frown deepening.

“Janus, do you have any breaks throughout the day?”

Janus blinks a bit dopily, still tired and very much in pain. “Why?”

“If our schedules align at any point, I would like to get coffee with you.”

“Are you hitting on me?” Janus asks flatly.

“What? No. I just want to have coffee together.”

“Why?” she practically hisses, her instincts to shove the closeness away rising up in her throat like bile.

“Because you need someone to talk to-“

“I don’t want to talk to you, Logan. Isn’t getting to chat with me for three minutes before class enough for you? Do you really need to be blessed by my presence that much?” Any hint of playfulness is out of her voice, Janus trying not to clench her teeth around the words.

“Your couchmate is my partner’s brother,” Logan interjects soundly, her face determined. “And his brother would like an update on him.”

Janus just sits there, heat boiling under her skin. Of course. The only hint of a friend she thought might be there was somehow tied to those idiots. Of course, because she’s the most cosmically unlucky bitch out there. She doesn’t respond, picking up her bag and setting herself in her crutches. She doesn’t respond, making her way towards the door as fast as she can.

Suddenly, Logan is in front of her, grabbing at her elbows in the crutches and holding her still. Janus blanches, freezing up and looking up into Logan’s face. They have angers on their faces to match each other, in a battle of who will wither first.

“Coffee. When?”

“I don’t want-“

“Janus. We are going to get coffee, and you are going to tell me about how Roman’s brother is, and you are going to tell me why you have never told me a single true fact about yourself, and then if you would like, I can never see you again aside from this single class. I- I enjoy your presence. You are intelligent, and witty, and very bright, even when you’re literally on the ground. Janus, you are very strong, but I still think you’re holding too much.” Logan’s face softens, and Janus breaks the eye contact, staring hard at the floor. “Stop doing this – whatever this is – alone. Take allies where you can, for fuck’s sake.”

Janus hides her shock at the genuine, panicked tone in Logan’s voice, an actual show of emotion. She gnaws on her lip hard, trying to avoid talking for as long as possible. “Fine,” she breathes out shakily. “Fine. I have a free period at 2:30.”

“I have some time around then,” Logan says, seeming to purposefully soften her voice as though she’s afraid she’s scared Janus. Her hands recede from her crutches, and Logan steps to the side, her outfit and hair slightly more frazzled than usual. “Please go to your next class, and I’ll see you then. Our grade comparisons are still very promising.” Logan begins to walk away, then stops. “I think there is more in common between us than you think.

Janus sighs out a held breath, and exits as swiftly as a girl on crutches can manage.

Virgil is buzzing with nervous excitement as Patton drives them down the brief stretch of highway, twirling his hoodie’s drawstrings. He keeps glancing around with a giant smile, eyes constantly shifting.

“We are going to be in so much trouble,” he snickers. Patton shushes him, also giggling.

“It’ll be fine, Virge, I texted the other two that we weren’t meeting up with them for coffee to let them have more time together, and they completely bought it. It’s technically true!”

Virgil laughs. “Where did this spontaneity come from, bluebell?”

“I don’t know, violet!” Patton taps their fingers on the steering wheel, grinning. They pull the car off on an exit, and nearly immediately into the parking lot of a Denny’s. They both exit the car and clasp each other’s hands once they’re at the front, grinning at each other.

“Logan is going to be so mad if she finds out,” Virgil says, a hint of genuine nervousness in his voice. “I don’t know how I feel, lying to her…”

Patton turns to face him, pouting. “Aw, but Virgil, we haven’t had time for a date in so long!” They swing their hands back and forth together softly. “It’s only a few hours of skipped classes, and I got Tammy to copy my teaching classes notes and Rico to handle your engineering notes until we get back – it should be okay.”

Virgil sighs, nodding and sending them a smile. “Okay. Let’s go.”

The host calls a greeting to them as they enter, telling them to sit anywhere. They shuffle into a booth on the same side as each other, Virgil laying his head down on Patton’s shoulder. “This is really risky.”

“How come?”

“I- I don’t know, I just feel like we’ll end up in trouble somehow. You know I hate lying. How I feel about it.”

Patton frowns, turning to him and lifting his chin gently to look at them. “It’s okay, I promise. It’s only a little one just so Lo doesn’t have another panic attack like when Roman skipped that one day last year. I don’t wanna make her any more stressed,” Patton pouts slightly. Virgil looks vaguely uncomfortable for a moment, blinking quickly.

“I trust you,” he mutters, before laying back on their shoulder. Patton rests their head on his, giggling quietly at the feeling of their hair – currently in its natural puffy state and simply held at their shoulders in a ponytail holder and pins - squishing against him.

A waiter comes over to them, and Patton touches Virgil’s hand. “Buy anything you want, okay? I asked Rom to borrow his card.” They turn to the waitress. “What’s the biggest thing of pancakes you can do, ma’am?”

The waitress chuckles. “Only two per the order, but you can get multiple orders.”

“Okay! Three orders of the banana pancake breakfast, please and thank you.”

“And you?”

Virgil startles, rapidly flipping through the menu again while stuttering. “Uh- Cheese fries, and- and the quesadilla. Please.” The waitress nods and smiles at him, walking off after writing it down. Virgil sinks down in his seat, then hides against Patton’s shoulder. “I haaaaate ordering things.”

“Aw, honey…” Patton grabs his cheeks and peppers kisses over his forehead until he’s bright red and batting at them while laughing. Patton grins at him. “I’m really happy we get to go here again. Even if we had to… force in the time for it. I missed just having fun with you.”

Virgil is mostly hiding behind his bangs, but Patton still sees his smile. “Missed it with you too, Pat.”

They end up not even chatting much, just hanging off each other in their seat, occasionally sharing light kisses. When the food comes, Patton thanks the waitress profusely for all six of the pancakes. She lays out multiple syrups, then sets out Virgil’s meal as well.

They both begin digging in immediately, Patton eating fast per usual. “Dang, slow down, you need to let yourself enjoy it,” Virgil comments through bites of his own meal. Patton pauses, dabbing their mouth with a napkin and laughing nervously.

“Sorry!”

“No, it’s okay.” Virgil leans to their ear. “You know I know why you do it – I just want you to focus on fun stuff instead of all that right now. Enjoy it, okay?” Patton gives him a syrupy kiss on the cheek, to which he proclaims, “Gross!” They both dissolve into laughter, and then turn back to their meals.

As Virgil eats, he tries to ignore the nauseous worm of guilt in his stomach that’s not making way for the meal at all. He really, really hates lying, even a harmless one like this. The hand on his chin plus the sugary reassurances were… triggering, he realizes faintly. He leans his chin on one of his palms as he chews, beginning to poke at his food. He hasn’t thought about Janus in a long time, and he prefers it that way. Finding out Remus was staying with her resulted in probably one of the worst anxiety attacks he’s had in a while, even if he never had much faith in Remus in the first place. Though the fear of what lies she could be feeding him right this moment begins making him even more nauseous. She’s a manipulative snake of a person that Virgil had hoped would never be anywhere close to him again, never close enough to lie to him again-

“Virge, you’re panting,” Patton’s voice speaks, drawing him back to the present.

“Huh? Oh, s-sorry. I got a little lost.”

Patton holds his shaking hand softly. “Do your breathing exercises, honey.”

Virgil nods, and complies, breathing in and out in pattern until the world feels slightly clearer. He settles himself, turning his face to lay on their shoulder. “Let’s- let’s not lie like this again. Even if it is really nice to spend time with you. Can you promise?”

Patton nods rapidly. “Of course- I’m really sorry, bug. I didn’t know it would get you that bad.” They lift his face in both hands and rub their foreheads together. “I promise. No more lies if we can help it.”

Virgil calms down a lot at the much more Patton-like show of attention, sighing. He goes back to eating his meal, and from there on it’s only idle chatter as Virgil’s anxiety has worn him out a bit. They pay with Roman’s card and head to the car, heading back into town quickly at Virgil’s request. Virgil curls up at the window, his hood pulled up over his hair as he rests there, hoping that promises can still mean something, even if he has everlasting fears about them.

Janus drags herself to the on-campus coffee shop, annoyingly having to fumble with the door in a way that won’t make her fall over. She immediately spots Logan in a corner, who also spots her and begins making her way over.

“Want me to order you anything?”

“I can order on my own-“

“Janus, please. Allow me to assist you, just for today. You are sweating and you look sick with the pain you are in.” Logan looks at her, eyebrows tilted into a genuine, caring look. “Please.”

Janus sighs. Logan really doesn’t leave much choice to others with the way of authority she speaks. “Okay, fine. I just want chai, I’ll go sit across from where you were.”

She nearly collapses in the chair she chooses, leaning her crutches against the side of said chair and setting her forehead in her hand, exhausted. Logan approaches maybe ten minutes later with the tea and a black coffee for herself. Janus doesn’t thank her as she takes it, but it doesn’t feel like Logan was expecting one in the first place.

“So,” she begins. “To begin with, how is Roman’s twin? I feel that is the easiest subject to delve into.”

“He’s fine,” Janus says with a sigh. “He sleeps, he eats, he cooks, he makes stupid jokes. All healthy behavior of a Remus in the wild.”

“As far as I know he is just a human being,” Logan says, seeming to be trying to show genuine reassurance. Janus just kind of silently stares at her, not even sure what to say to that. Logan continues anyways. “If possible, try to ask him to text his brother back. Roman has been extremely worried these past few days.

“Shocking. Roman is a prissy asshole, I don’t care what he has to say or what he has to say to Remus. They need distance for once in their lives.”

“Could you at least provide updates through me?”

Janus waves her hand dismissively, but nods in agreement.

“Then, on to the next question. Janus, why do I not know anything about you? I can… tend to misunderstand relationships, but I did think of us as at least somewhat friends. Is that not true?”

“No, Logan- No, we technically are friends. A little bit. I wouldn’t talk to you and sit beside you every weekday if I didn’t like you, I typically am not that tolerant of annoying people though it may shock you.”

“I enjoy speaking to you as well, as I said you’re very bright and intelligent. You did not explain why you don’t talk about yourself.”

“I don’t enjoy having others that know things about me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s bothersome.”

“How?”

Janus sighs, a bit frazzled. “Because when people know information about you, they use it against you and or talk about it behind your back. Such as to a group of old buddies that would be very keen on all the hot goss about Janus and her sick little impoverished life.”

Logans sits back slightly, sipping her coffee. She remains silent. Janus does too, until the silence is making her uncomfortable.

“I’m chronically ill. And poor as dirt. And maybe, just maybe, barely able to afford college in the first place. I’ve been supporting myself and doing everything myself since I was 16, I’m used to it.”

“But it’s killing you.”

“Not if I have a say in it.”

“You no longer ‘have a say,’ your body is breaking down further from the amount of stress you are putting yourself under.”

“Figure that out yourself, doctor?”

Logan stares at her hard. “The majority of chronic illnesses are exacerbated by stress. I don’t need a medical license to know that.” Janus stays silent, examining her gloved fingertips. “For whatever it might be worth, I know the others would not use points like those against you in any way,” Logan attempts to reassure.

Janus scoffs. “I don’t know if you know them that well then, Logan.”

“Did Remus?”

Janus hesitates bitterly. “Well, no. But he was always different. He was… always an outcast too, I guess. So, he isn’t a preppy rich kid or a ‘mommy’s favorite traitor.’ Remus gets it in ways the others never did or will.”

“Still, Roman would like to hear about his brother in one way or another. My intention isn’t to mend a long dead friendship or force any of you to see each other. Given how Virgil reacted at just the mention of your name, I don’t think it is salvageable.”

“Oh, how he reacted. Of course, because he’s the one with the right to feel betrayed and hurt by that shit.” Janus tries not to seethe through her teeth so obviously, but it’s difficult. Knowing that Virgil still somehow thinks he’s in the right is threatening to make her bite off someone’s head. He really will just think he’s better than everyone on earth until the day he dies, huh.

Logan sets her already empty mug on the table between them, looking at her with open curiosity. “None of you are ever very specific over what happened in high school. I do not understand the need to act like nothing will have changed about you as people in three or four years.”

“Losing any ounce of faith in a friend tends to include the faith in them to better as a person.”

“Fascinating,” Logan muses. Janus shoots her a weird look, and she stumbles to correct herself. “A-apologies, the intricacies of human relationships are interesting to me. I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s fine, Logan.”

“You may call me ‘Lo’ if you would like,” she says after a pause.

“What, why? What did I do to earn cutesy nickname privileges, I just insulted your friends and was mean to you on purpose.”

Logan shrugs, a slight smile on her lips. “I don’t know. Call me crazy, but I don’t sway particularly to either side, nor do I trust the two groups to asses each other’s character accurately. I still like you, and I see no reason to discontinue the friendship we have.”

Janus hides her face in her tea, taking a long sip to try putting her thoughts together. Logan doesn’t really strike her as even capable of lying, so there’s no reason to think she would be manipulative – it seems like she really just wants updates on Remus and to keep talking to her in the mornings. It’s weird for her, if she’s honest with herself. Logan’s form of genuineness, just like her way of speech, leaves no room to be questioned or argued with. She puts the cup down, licking her lips nervously.

“Alright, Logan. You get your way, hope you’re pleased. I’ll let you know how Remus is every now and then.”

“And will we remain companions?”

“If you talk as little as possible about those two then we can manage.” Janus sighs, glancing at the time on her phone. “My break is almost over,” she lies, technically still having 20 minutes, but too emotionally exhausted to talk about things like this anymore. “See you in class, I suppose.”

Logan stands as well, watching as Janus scrambles her way into her crutches. “I will see you in class. Hopefully we can get coffee every now and then. Or do other things you are interested in, if you prefer. I could see you aren’t a coffee person.”

Janus nods tersely, ready to just get through the rest of the day, somehow. “I really have to go, but we can chat about it tomorrow morning, ‘kay?”

“Alright. Take more pain killers before the school day ends. Bye.”

“…Bye, Lo.”

Janus makes it through the day, and through the drive home, thanks to some miracle. Remus seems to immediately notice how exhausted she looks, but he hesitates to get up and help her, just rocking and staring at her from the sofa bed as she leans her crutches on the wall and sets away her books. She meets his gaze, leaning on the island to support herself. “Hello,” she offers.

“Hi, Jan! You look like absolute shit; do you need anything?”

Janus gestures vaguely. “I don’t know, Remus. I don’t know what I need.”

“How does eggs and some pastries I got at the place next to my work sound, to start with?” He has a wide, slightly wild smile, and she faintly wishes she could match his energy.

“Just to start? What, do you have plans?”

“Ehh maybe something or other! I did bring a PS4 with me, y’know, and even if you’re too hurting to play with me, you can watch while you eat! I’ll cook for you, go sit! Sit!” Remus scuttles around her and into the kitchen, clanging through her pans and starting up a quick batch of eggs. She sits on the bed, and sees a half-eaten box of doughnuts and other goodies open beside where Remus had been sitting. She rolls her eyes somewhat affectionately, picking up a lemon iced cake. Ridiculous that Remus seemingly cared about her enough to remember her favorite types of pastries after three years.

She listens to him making random noises at himself in the kitchen as though beatboxing badly, and tries to stamp out that wretched warm feeling in her chest. How dare I do this to myself again, she chides herself. How dare my heart get close to more idiots who will only break it.

An hour or so later, with a full stomach and a bit of laughter at how shit at games Remus is, she hates herself a bit less for it. She laughs at him getting headshot by some other player, instinctively hiding her face against his shoulder to mask that she's having fun. Remus’s hands fully pause on the controls, laughing turning a bit breathy as he feels himself flushing. She stays leaned against him even after their laughter has died off, and they fall into silence, rested against each other.

“You’re such an idiot, Carmona. Alas, I think you’re one I’ll be stuck with for life.”

“Y’know, I think I’d be okay with being your idiot my whole life,” Remus chuckles to himself. Janus’s face stays hidden, her hair covering any hint of expression. They both sit still for a long moment before Janus rises.

“Let’s bet on it. If you can win even one round of this game, just one, then I might not kick your ass to the curb tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, you are so on!”

#college au #sanders sides #sanders sides au #tss au #SaSi au #SaSi #tss fanfic #sanders sides fanfic #janus sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #moxiety #dukeceit #platonic loceit

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djs-horny-blog-lmao · 5 months

Note

yeah unfortunately I think we are doomed to forever be separated by time zones unless I am traveling :(

prompt: hmm okay I have one. Janus is having an *awful* day and is snapping at everyone. desperately clinging to the last threads of his self control. (side of your choice) is finally like "okay, you need to be put down for a trance/nap/orgasm/all of the above" and semi-forcibly hypnotizes him into chilling the fuck out and giving up control.

- 👽

hiii alien anonnnn so this has been sitting in my askbox for literally months <3 <3 but i finally found the ouevre to do it so. i may be a little rusty tho so sorry <3

roughly 1.5k words. dom!logan, dom!roman, sub!janus. roloceit. no actual sex, just trance. Induction is written out. use of 'good boy' as praise. hypnosis.

as always, full fic under the cut

--- --- ---

Janus hates that he’s snapping at everyone. Remus can take it, usually laughs in Janus’ face about it, which makes it worse, honestly, but Janus appreciates that Remus can take it. Logan can too, actually, but the others all take it some level of personal, and Janus wishes he weren’t feeling so crabby, but he’s just-

He’s wired that way today, it seems.

Roman stares at him a little longer each time after every snappy remark, and Janus is sulking now, he wants to be close but everything is kind of loud, and he feels electric in a bad way, and he just wants-! …He doesn’t know what he wants.

Logan is sitting on the sofa. Janus is sitting in the armchair. Roman is sitting on his bean-bag throne. Roman and Logan keep shooting each other glances, even as Janus pretends to ignore them with a scowl on his face.

Why is it so hard to ask to be looked after? He wants to be looked after. He feels like shit, and he wants to be looked after. Janus finds himself tearing up, and he hides his face.

It’s when he hears movement that he looks up, and realises Roman has heaved himself out of his bean-bag throne and closed the difference between he and Logan, and he’s leaning down to whisper in Logan’s ear.

“Mm,” Logan says in agreement, before he rises to his feet too.

They approach Janus, which makes him shy away a little, shrink into the armchair.

“What do you want?” he snaps. “Leave me alone.”

“Do you really want that?” Logan asks, tilting his head, and Janus stares a moment. “Or do you want us?”

“We’re happy, you know,” Roman says, and he moves to Janus’ left a little more. “Happy to try take care of you.”

Logan moves to Janus’ right, sitting on the edge of the sofa.

“You’ve been highly strung all day,” Logan points out. “We have noticed. We want to help you.”

“We promise we will help you,” Roman adds, and he perches on the left armrest of Janus’ chair, and Janus keeps looking between them, unsure where to focus. “Don’t even worry about which one of us you want to look at. Do whatever you like.”

“Listen to whoever you like,” Logan adds. “Roman or I, we both want the same thing for you. To relax.”

“Yes, to relax,” Roman agrees, and Janus’ hands clench on his pants, he stares straight ahead so he’s not looking either in the eye. He can guess what they’re up to. And t-that’d be nice, but it- Janus isn’t- Janus won’t drop so easily. Surely he can’t, all stressed like this. “Don’t even worry about it, darling. There’s no rush, there’s no panic. It’s just you, me, and Logan. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

Janus looks at him, trying to keep a cynical look on his face, and he shakes his head softly.

“Oh, you don’t believe us?” Logan leans in a little, and Janus blinks as he turns to face Logan only to realise how close Logan suddenly is. “We do want you to relax. There’s nothing else you need to focus on other than Roman and I. Unless you want anything else…?”

Janus stares for another long moment, before he realises they’re waiting for a response, and he swallows, wets his lips, and softly says, “No…”

Roman and Logan both smile. Roman’s comes out as a sharp and eager grin. Logan’s looks perfectly normal, if it weren’t for how dark his eyes get, how hungrily they trace the shape of Janus’ face.

“You don’t have to worry,” Roman says, and he holds out his hand.

Janus hesitates, staring at it, before he slowly puts his hand in Roman’s.

“May we take off your gloves?” Roman asks.

Janus shakes his head.

“Aright,” Logan finishes, and he offers a hand too, and Janus looks at his hand, and hesitates a little longer before he puts his hand in Logan’s too. “Thank you for telling us.”

“We just want you to breathe,” Roman says softly, and he closes his fingers loosely around Janus’ hand. Then, slow and gentle, Roman pulls Janus’ hand towards him, then away from him in a small circle. Both Logan’s and Janus’ eyes follow the shape of it, before Logan silently copies the motion himself.

Janus feels- he already feels way more… fluid. Just kind of… being moved by their hands. They are moving him, and he doesn’t have to think about it.

“Breathe in,” Logan says.

Janus doesn’t question it. He breathes in.

“Hold,” Roman says.

Janus’ eyes fall to the floor as he does what they say.

“Breathe out,” Logan finishes.

Janus lets the air woosh out of him, head bowing.

“If your eyelids are feeling heavy, that’s alright,” Logan tells him, and Janus blinks slowly. Logan’s right. They are feeling heavy.

“You can close them, if you want,” Roman offers. “You can let your eyes close as you just breathe, nice and slow and calm.”

Janus keeps breathing in the pattern they set, and they guide him through the pattern of breathing a few more times, and Janus has to admit he’s feeling more grounded, the touch of his own clothes against his skin doesn’t feel as bad.

“As you breathe, and as you feel us just moving your hands gently like this,” Roman speaks up again now, and Janus’ eyes are closed, but he turns his head towards the prince anyway, listening, “you can feel yourself relaxing. All the tension is dropping off you, rolling off your shoulders and down your back, dripping off your fingertips. You don’t need that tension. You can just let it all go.”

Janus takes a big breath in, holds it instinctively, and when he breathes it all out, he slumps, listing over just a little, and their grips on his hands tighten a little to make sure he stays upright, and a little smile tugs at Janus’ mouth at that sensation.

“Good,” Logan says, and that makes Janus’ breathing hitch. “Good. Let yourself feel good. It’s always nice to see you smile like this.”

“It lets us know we’re treating you the way you like,” Roman adds. “Relax. Breathe. Smile. Sink into it.”

Janus shudders, his hands clenching in theirs, and his head lolls, chin dropping to his chest, but a shy little smile grows wider across his sleepy face.

“Good,” Logan repeats. “Very good.”

“Good boy,” Roman says. “Such a good boy for us.”

Janus makes a little humming sound in the back of his throat – a little too close to a moan for it to be innocent. They keep dragging his hands in little circles, which disorientate Janus more and more, he’s being dragged around and down, and he’s sinking into it, and he really didn’t think he’d be able to achieve trance the way he had been feeling however-many-minutes-ago it was, but he has and it feels good.

“Good boy,” Logan says, and a hand cups the back of his neck, and Janus whimpers for it. “Sink under our touch. Let go.”

“Just let go,” Roman’s words are by his ear, and Janus knows in a thoughtless heartbeat that those words are going straight into his brain. “Just let go for us. You’re going to drop. You want to drop.”

“You will drop for us.” Logan’s voice penetrates his brain from the other side, and Janus doesn’t know who to lean towards, torn between their gentle push and pull, ebb and flow, up and down, and he’s so effortlessly dizzy. “You want to drop.”

“…Want… t’drop…”

Janus isn’t really even that aware he spoke until he realises his lips are moving, but a warm sort of satisfaction fills him too at the sound of his own voice – hazy, slurring, content.

Logan and Roman move in beautiful synchronicity, and it’d be stunning to watch if Janus could open his eyes, if he had the wherewithal to watch at all. They gently start to lift his hands, up from waist-height to shoulder height. They stop at eye level. Janus can feel it, feel the way they manipulate his body. It feels so good. They’re going to drop his hands, and Janus is going to fall with it. That smile stays on his face, dopey and hazy and content.

He’s going to fall. He feels so good. He’s about to feel even better.

“Want t’drop,” he repeats unprompted.

Roman and Logan speak together.

“Good boy,” they say. “Drop on three…”

Janus shudders, eyelids opening just a fraction so he can do his best to study their faces, even though the pleasant haze.

“Two…”

Janus sighs happily, closing his eyes.

“One…”

The anticipation is killing him. He wants to drop. He wants to be good for them. When are they going to tell him to-?

“Drop.”

Roman and Logan let Janus’ hands go. Janus drops. He slumps backwards onto the couch with an open moan as his hands fall and bounce on the leather sofa, but his eyes are closed, his mouth is open, his head is lolling, and his mind is finally, blissfully,

empty.

The last thing he consciously hears, as his mind fades away for the evening – and it makes him smile, makes him feel all warm and gooey inside – is a very fond chorus of ‘good boy.’

#not safe for sanders #nsfs fic #hypnosis #dj writes #nsfs logan #nsfs janus #nsfs roman #nsfs roloceit #maybe not one of my best bangers but its calming and sweet. i hope.

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typically-untypical · 4 months

Text

A Consuming Anger

AU: Post Apocalyptic

CW: Potential angst

WC: 1044

Date: 12/6/2023 (it was supposed to be 🤣)

"I have searched through everything and I have found the root cause, why don't you believe I can do this?" Logan's voice was strained as he pleaded with his boyfriend to just let him keep working.

"You have a tendency to overlook the flaws in your own reasoning, especially when you're tired. You haven't slept in two days." Janus had his hand on Logan's shoulder attempting to lead him away from the hydroponic garden. He was doing his best to mask the depths of his concern, but it lingered at the edge of his eyes. Recently there had been a leak in their water system and finding potable water was difficult, not impossible with their reservoirs and well water, but they were entering the dry season. It was important that they fix the leak as quickly as possible, they all knew that. The problem was, Logan had allowed the stress to affect his health, and that's why they all started noticing the signs. Logan had built the system yet he was struggling to remember basic things about its schematics. When any of them pointed it out, Logan would get angry, a terrible storm of emotions passing through him like he hadn't developed an ounce of control since childhood.

"I'm fine!" Logan screamed, immediately covering his mouth. At least he was still aware of it, that was a better sign then any of them could hope for at this point. Logan's little snaps were quickly reeled in each time he exploded. Janus looked at him with sympathy, gently squeezing his boyfriend's shoulder.

"Love, please rest. You've told me where you think the leak is coming from, Virgil and I will check it over while Roman takes care of you." He swiveled Logan around so he could look at him, his sun and stars. "Please Logan, you need to rest." It wasn't an immediate shift, Logan was obviously still resisting a bit, but slowly his shoulders relaxed and he nodded. His eyes closed as he leaned his face into Janus' cupped hand.

"Alright," He whispered, gently looking down at Janus. "But please wake me up if you need me." He said quietly. "I want to help." The words he didn't say were ringing in both of their ears. 'I need to help.' Something had been shifting in Logan recently, separated from any other companionship with no news of his brother or the rest of his family, Logan was slipping. All three of them desperately hoped Logan wasn't slipping into the madness that had taken so many other humans. They needed Logan sane because he really was the brains of their operation.

"Thank you," Janus whispered, slowly leading Logan out of the greenhouse and toward their dwelling. Virgil and Roman weren't too far off, waiting for Janus to pull Logan back. Roman met Logan with open arms, pulling him in and rubbing his back with strong fingers.

"I've got you," Roman whispered. "I've got you."

The two of them disappeared off to the house and Virgil was immediately on Janus. "What happened? How is he doing?" His anxiety was strong, echoing through the already tense situation and Janus had to fight not to respond immediately. He needed to be the calm one, Logan wasn't here.

"He snapped again," Janus started, standing tall, arms folded behind his back. "It was a brief moment and he was very sorrowful for snapping at all, but it happened again."

"That could just be normal emotional expression, right? Like he hasn't slept in two days, that's pretty normal behavior." Virgil was grasping at straws, trying to find a reason other than the disease.

"It's possible," And Janus was inclined to give him hope. He knew how hard this situation was for all of them, how they would completely fall apart if they lost Logan. "He has had a lot going on. The last of the radio waves are off the air which means no communications are coming in. Patton and Nexus are still missing." Janus rubbed his face slowly, turning to look at Virgil. "There are a lot of things that could have pushed Logan to an emotional edge."

"Right, right," Virgil twisted the fabric of this shirt in his hands. Of course there were a lot of possible reasons why Logan was getting angry more often, it didn't have to be because of the sickness. Still, Virgil was the one who was supposed to come up with an antidote, a cure, even just something to stall it's progression, and with Logan acting out of character, it felt more important now than ever that he find a way to fix all of this, but he just didn't know how. He twisted the fabric tighter and Janus reached out, slowly peeling Virgil's hands from the fabric.

"I totally don't have any idea what you're worried about," Janus said in a voice that was meant to be teasing but came out far too soft. "But maybe going to the lab together will help save your shirt from an untimely death."

Taking in a shaky breath, Virgil nodded.

"I might not be quite as smart as our resident nerd, but I can at least provide you moral support."

Virgil snorted at that, pushing away the frantic tears that had set themselves in the corner of his eyes. "There's nothing moral about you, but support..." Virgil leaned against Janus. "I will never admit how much I need you."

"Are you saying that wasn't an admittal right there?"

Virgil looked at him, cocking an eyebrow and Janus smirked, staring back. It was an epic face off and neither wanted to lose, which was probably why they both moved in for a kiss at the same time, both of them dropping the staring act as they held each other. It was terrifying to watch their boyfriend decline, even if it really was just sleep deprivation.

"The two of us should probably check the hydroponic system first. Logan will be rightfully furious if we don't check on that before he wakes up."

"Yeah, you're right." Neither of them wanted to see Logan angry, they didn't want to give him the chance. They had seen anger in others destroy the world.

They weren't about to let it destroy their world.

@tsspromptmonth

#Untypical Creations #Sanders Sides #Sanders Side fic #Fanfic #Virgil Sanders #Janus Sanders #Logan Sanders #Roman Sanders #post apocalyptic #mild angst

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lily-janus · 10 months

Text

Take A Break

Summary: Logan first thinks of Janus as a smart but lazy person, but he's about to be proven wrong.

Pairing: pre-romantic loceit

Warnings: none that I can think of but do let me know if I missed any.

Word count: 1,225

For @loceitweek day 3 Law School/Astronamy

(I have no idea how law school work so it might sound more like regular school but bare with me😅)

-----------------

"...and then I will argue that the evidence is not really reliable because- are you listening?" Logan stopped his explanation, noticing that his… partner was, once again, not paying attention.

"Hm?" Janus hummed, focusing his gaze on Logan's own, "were you saying something?" He smirked, knowing full well how that will annoy Logan.

"You know as well as I that I've been," he used air quotes, " 'saying something', for the past hour. We need to do this assignment perfectly, Janus." Logan said, exasperated by his classmate.

Okay, don't tell Janus that, but Logan really does think Janus was an incredibly intelligent person, there were multiple occasions throughout the semester where Janus had impressed Logan with his arguments.

That being said, Janus had a tendency to be… extremely frustrating. Acting cocky and smug most of the time, egging people on with no more reason than simple amusement… and, of course, his cryptic way of behaving. And, for some unknown reason, Janus seems to enjoy annoying Logan the most out of all their classmates.

Always cornering him after lectures, arguing with him during lessons no matter what side he chooses, or are assigned to.

So, when they were chosen to work this assignment together… Logan was, at the very least, not pleased. Not that he'd ever defy the will of their teacher, so he was stuck with his smug classmates who didn't seem to care enough to even listen to Logan's ideas.

Janus shrugged, "maybe I know that, and maybe I don't, I could have a very short attention span for all you know about me, which isn't much besides my brilliant intelligence that I repeatedly show in class." Janus smirked smugly again.

Logan let out a frustrated sigh, "can we just be serious long enough to finish this?" He asked, on the verge of begging. He never ever failed at anything and he's not about to let Janus change that.

Janus groaned, "Jesus, Teach, ever heard of relaxing? We still got months until the due date." He pointed out.

"While true, you neglect the fact that this assignment is only one out of many others we have from other classes, plus my reputation to hand in assignments early-" but he was interrupted by another, rather exaggerative, groan from Janus.

"You talk a lot." Janus complained.

Logan could feel his eye twitching in annoyance, "well, it would seem like I'm the only one out of the two of us who's doing anything, why are you even in law school if you're not willing to put effort into anything?" Logan asked with a groan of his own, not really looking for an answer, mostly wanting to annoy Janus back.

But of course, that didn't work, as Janus' smirk only grew, seeming more satisfied the more frustrated Logan became. "I wouldn't say that, I put lots of effort into my studies, I'm just balancing it more so I won't get overwhelmed and burned out. Surely you can appreciate a healthy work balance, right Teach?"

Logan's fist hit the table, "stop calling me that!"

Janus was unphased, "how about… professor? Nerd? Glasses? Ooh, maybe Specs?"

"How about simply Logan?" Logan suggested, as calmly as he could.

Janus faked thinking it over before shaking his head, "nah, I like Specs best."

With a growl of frustration, Logan dropped his pen and pushed his chair away from the desk, "I think we're done for today.."

Janus clapped his hands together in glee before standing up, "marvelous! Same time next week?" He winked at Logan.

Logan blushed slightly at the gesture for some reason, "ah.. sure."

Janus smirked again, "it's a date, Specs!" He called as he walked out of Logan's dorms.

That statement caused Logan's blush to deepen, which was… odd.

…

"Oh he is totally flirting with you, Lo!" Roman, his roommate, said after Logan finished telling him about Janus.

Logan huffed, "I doubt annoying me is considered flirting." Roman was being ridiculous again, there's no way!

Roman shook his head with a sigh, "sometimes I forget how little you understand about the delicate art of romance." He said, "it's because he likes you!"

Logan almost laughed at Roman's statement, "that's absurd, we're both completely different and he always gets out of his way just to get a rise out of me and… always corners me after class and…" he trailed off in thought.

"And trying to get your attention and more time to be with you?" Roman finished for him with a knowing smile.

The more Logan thought about it now, the more Roman's explanation made sense… is he feeling the same way?

"Oh my stars! You're blushing! You like him too! Oh, the robot finally found his heart!" Roman swooned, placing both his hands on his heart in a dramatic gesture.

Logan shook his head, "n-no, no. Janus doesn't like me and I don't like him."

Roman was still smiling knowingly at him, "ah ha, sure, whatever you say, Calculator Watch." He winked at him.

…

"You're late." Logan said when Janus finally showed up to their second meeting to work on their assignment.

As usual, Janus was unphased, he simply walked in, took his seat on Roman's red beanbag, put his legs up on a chair and leaned back on his hands. Choosing the most dramatic position to show his carefree attitude towards this assignment that they were supposed to work on together.

"Sorry, Specs, it took longer than I thought it would, but I'm here now aren't I?" Janus looked up at Logan to where he sat in front of his work desk.

"It?" Logan asked, "what were doing that took so long?" He asked, barely two seconds passed and he was already starting to get annoyed. What could possibly be more important than law school? Does Janus hold no regards to-

"Our assignment, of course." Janus said casually, halting Logan's thoughts in their place for a minute.

"Excuse me?" Logan asked, surely he didn't hear that correctly.

Janus smirked and handed Logan the notebook he's been holding, "o-u-r a-ssign-ment." He said slowly, emphasizing every syllable.

Eyeing Janus suspiciously, Logan took the notebook and looked it over… he really did do it…

Janus suddenly hopped to his feet, offering Logan his hand, "now that the boring stuff is out of the way, it's time for you to relax with me." He smirked at him.

Logan frowned, "what do you mean?"

Janus sighed, "I really need to spell it out to you, huh?" He chuckled to himself, "fine. Logan, will you go on a date with me?"

Logan flushed a deep red, "b-but there's still work to-"

"Logan." Janus cut him off, suddenly serious, "you really need to learn to take breaks from time to time, you're not helping anyone by running yourself to the ground."

"I'm… not running anywhere, let alone to the ground…" Logan stammered, trailing off.

Janus snickered again, "it means you're overworking yourself, c'mon, I'll take you to my favorite Cafe' on campus." Janus gently grabbed one of his hands and tagged on it.

Still flushing, Logan gave in, putting Janus' notebook on his desk before standing up and following Janus.

Perhaps Janus had a point, he doesn't remember taking a single break other than sleep since the start of semester. And, well, Janus wasn't the worst person to take his first break with…

#sanders sides #logan sanders #ts janus sanders #pre romantic loceit #loceitweek2023 #day 3: law school/astronomy #sanders sides fanfic #Lily writes #roman sanders

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fangirlwriting-stories · 9 months

Text

Protector

Chapter One

Chapter Forty-One:

The Logan problem being solved meant Roman or Janus was next, and Virgil didn’t like the idea of that.

He still hadn’t seen Janus anywhere, and it wasn’t that he didn’t get it, but that didn’t exactly make his nerves go away.

And then of course, there was the other problem, being that Janus’ complete and total lack of accessibility meant Roman was the obvious next choice for who to talk to. And Virgil didn’t want to deal with that.

He managed to put it off until the end of his recovery week, after which he felt much better, but that also meant that he no longer had an excuse.

That didn’t mean that he didn’t keep putting it off of course, just that now he felt anxious about it, which was very much worse.

Thankfully at least for this case, Remus could tell he was anxious about it, and approached Virgil one day with a solution that worked fairly well.

He was sitting in his room trying and failing to relax, which naturally wasn’t working very well, and the familiar sound of Remus’ footsteps alerted him to his presence just before he opened the door.

“So hey, when do you want Roman to come talk to you?” he asked with no build-up, moving over to sit across from Virgil on his bed.

Virgil blinked at him. “What?”

“You heard me. I’m tired of mediating between you two. So I’m going to stop telling you guys to talk and force you to instead. When do you want Roman to talk to you? You get to pick the time. What’s one that works for you?”

“What do you mean mediating between us?”

“Not in a literal sense, dummy. It’s just so obvious you both want to talk and I’m tired of sitting in the middle of it. So I’m making something happen. What’s a time that works for you?”

Virgil bit his lip. He didn’t know what to do with the ball being in his court like that. Knowing exactly when to expect Roman would be nice, but it would also create a lot of tension leading up to that. But he definitely wouldn’t have it in him to go talk to Roman himself.

So he just needed to pick a time that would give him enough time to psych himself up but not enough time to freak himself out. Navigating life while being the representation of Thomas’ Anxiety was a piece of cake.

Virgil sighed and looked up at Remus. “Two days from now after lunch?” he said.

“You got it,” Remus said, giving a thumbs up. “I’ll help you work out what you want to say after I clarify with Roman.”

“Deal.”

So Remus sank back out and Virgil flopped back on his bed. This was probably the best way this was going to happen. Didn’t make it any less terrifying.

Remus came back a couple minutes later, gave Virgil a thumbs up, and sat down on the bed with him. “So. What’s all the stuff you want to say to Roman?”

“Uh,” Virgil said, pushing himself up to a sitting position. “Fuck, I don’t know, Remus. I want to apologize for fighting with him all the time. I want to apologize for punching him that one time.”

Remus raised an eyebrow slightly, but he didn’t comment. “Okay,” he said instead. “So a lot of apologies is what I’m hearing. Do you want an apology from him? He owes you one.”

Virgil looked down at his hands as he thought. “I don’t know. I don’t really understand his actions, honestly. From basically the point I ducked out, he kept doing things I didn’t expect.”

“You want an explanation, then. You want me to tell him that?”

Virgil considered this for a second. “Yeah. Also I get to talk first.” That was probably a little mean, considering Roman probably felt like he had to let Virgil lead this conversation, and Virgil only wanted the first chance to talk so he could apologize, but he wanted to be able to say it without Roman trying to cut him off.

“You got it,” Remus said. “Anything else?”

“Well… nope. No, that’s it.”

“Virgil—”

“That’s it.” That wish was a fantasy.

Remus looked at him for a second longer, then nodded. “Okay. I’ll let Roman know all of that.”

“Cool. Now come watch Disney movies with me. I need a distraction.”

“I eagerly await the day you make up with Roman so I can watch Dreamworks in peace,” Remus said, even as he pushed himself up and they both started for the living room.

…

It turns out Virgil had been right on the money in regards to time frame, because the two days gave him time to prepare for the conversation and think about what he wanted to say while also not giving him enough time to start overthinking any of it.

He ended up in the living room after lunch, which was when the nerves did start to set in a little bit, because he could see Roman over in the kitchen and they both knew what was coming soon. Roman seemed to take his food back to his room, and Virgil couldn’t decide if that was worse or not. It would have been torture being able to see Roman and knowing exactly how long was left before they talked, but it was just as awful having no clue.

He ended up putting his headphones on and trying to drown his thoughts out with music, which was only kind of working by the time he saw movement over by the steps.

He pulled his headphones down around his neck as Roman approached, something clutched against his chest that Virgil couldn’t quite make out from h.

“I know you wanted the first chance to talk, so you’ll get it,” Roman said, holding up his hands. “I just thought I should give this back.”

He held the something he was holding out to Virgil. Virgil looked down and was met with his dream journal.

He blinked at it a couple times before hesitantly taking it.

“I am sorry I took it from you,” Roman said. “That was not very princely of me.”

Virgil set the journal down on his lap. He’d learned to get by without it, honestly. Once Remus had come back it wasn’t really that hard to calm himself down after nightmares anymore, especially since they were both sleeping right next to each other most of the time. But that didn’t mean the journal didn’t make him feel better. Maybe he’d appreciated it more than he realized.

He didn’t want to start the conversation with that, though, and if he tried to shift from his plan he’d feel completely out of control, so instead he just looked back up at Roman.

“I wanted to say sorry,” he said, and Roman blinked in surprise. “For being such a jerk all the time. And especially for hitting you.” He nodded towards the spot on Roman’s jaw when he punched him.

Roman blinked again, seeming to process that. “It’s… it’s alright, Anxiety,” he said. “I was a bigger jerk to you. And I forgave you a long time ago.”

Virgil shook his head, looking away. “I was supposed to be protecting all of you.”

“You did, Anxiety,” Roman said. “You did more than anyone should have asked you to.”

Virgil turned to him with a confused look. “You didn’t ask me to do anything.”

“No, but it probably felt that way,” Roman said. “And I should have done so many things differently. I’m sorry too.”

“I… I don’t even understand why you did what you did,” Virgil said in frustration. “I thought after I ducked out you’d be basking in the glory of being right when everyone else was wrong.”

Roman winced. “I can understand that assumption,” he admitted. “Remus said you wanted an explanation. I just… I mean, I was acting that way because I did too.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wanted to know what your deal was,” Roman said. “None of what you did made any sense. I mean, you play this long con trying to get all of us to like you, you ask Janus once if you can bring Remus over here, Janus says ‘not yet but probably soon,’ and you respond by immediately throwing away all of your progress and backing everyone into a corner? That doesn’t make any sense. Or, I mean,” Roman winced and looked away. “It didn’t.”

Virgil bit his lip.

Roman looked hesitantly back over at him. “How badly did they hurt him?”

It was Virgil’s turn to wince and look away, though that probably answered Roman’s question.

Roman sighed. “Thomas, Anxiety, that must have been so terrifying.”

“That’s nothing new,” Virgil whispered. “I just… it was just the two of us, Roman, for the longest time. It was part of life for us to be scared that the other was hurt. But I— fuck, the last thing I ever wanted to do was leave him alone.”

“Why… why did you?” Roman asked hesitantly.

“He forced me into it,” Virgil murmured. “Cause the idiot never got the memo that it’s supposed to be my job to protect my little brother. He somehow had this idea that we were supposed to be taking care of each other, or something.”

Roman smiled just a little. “I’m really glad you weren’t alone over there,” he said quietly.

Virgil looked back over at Roman. “Remus really missed you,” he said.

Roman winced. “I… I really missed him too,” he whispered. “I’m always going to miss having a brother.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow. “Uh, what are you talking about? Haven’t you two been getting along better?”

“Well, yes,” Roman said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But he has you, and—”

“Oh, right, how could I forget?” Virgil said, raising an eyebrow. “The set in stone law of the universe that says no one can have more than one brother.”

“And who would want me for a brother anyway?” Roman continued, giving Virgil a pointed look. “I suck at it.”

“You do not suck at it,” Virgil said, crossing his arms.

“I failed to help you and Remus when you badly needed it,” Roman said.

“Yeah, but you know what you did do? You actively protected your family in the best way you could from someone you had reason to believe was a threat,” Virgil said, gesturing at himself. “You thought Janus was scared, and you reacted exactly like you should.”

“And a lot of good it did me,” Roman grumbled, crossing his own arms. “Janus won’t even talk to me.”

Virgil blinked, startled. “He won’t?”

“He won’t talk to anyone,” Roman said, looking down in irritation and what looked like worry. “He doesn’t leave his room unless Thomas needs him.”

Well, that part Virgil had known, but he figured he was at least talking to his family. He’d have to try and figure that out more later.

“Regardless,” he said, refocusing on Roman. “That isn’t your fault. You did exactly what you should do when you thought your family was in danger and not taking it seriously. You looked out for Janus Patton and Logan when you thought they needed it. It’s one of the reasons I’m sure I can trust you.”

Roman blinked up at him. “What?”

“Before I ducked out,” Virgil said. “When Janus and I talked about bringing Remus over eventually, Janus talked about the others too. It freaked me out, obviously, so I asked Logan what would happen before that was agreed on. He said we’d all talk about it first, and well… that calmed me down. Because I knew I could tell them exactly why they couldn’t bring them here if I had to, but also because I knew you’d probably have my back.” He nudged Roman lightly in the arm.

“I…” Roman said, seeming to think that over.

“You’re amazing family, Roman. I mean, okay, maybe you’ve got some stuff to work on in the brother department,” Virgil said with a shrug. “But you definitely don’t suck at it. And I’d want you.”

Roman blinked. “What?”

Virgil realized what he said and felt himself go pale. Well shit. That want was supposed to stay a little more secret than that.

But then he saw Roman’s expression shift, and he paused. Roman looked a little hopeful but far more doubtful, and Virgil didn’t like that expression on his face right after he’d told Roman he cared about him.

“You… you don’t have to lie to make me feel better, Anxiety,” Roman said weakly, and something in Virgil hardened in determination.

“Virgil,” he said firmly. “And I’m not lying.”

Roman turned and stared at him. “What? Why would you—”

“Because I’m trying to show you you’re wrong, dummy. And I’ve found it’s a hobby of mine to make sure Thomas’ creative aspects have some amount of self worth going for them.”

Roman shook his head. “But I—” he stopped.

“You?”

Roman was quiet for a minute. “I don’t understand why you’d want me,” he said. “You have Remus.”

Virgil narrowed his eyes. “I thought we had this conversation already.”

“No, I— you just care so much about Remus. And I— what have I done to earn—”

Virgil snorted. “Dummy,” he said. He leaned forward and pulled Roman into his arms.

Roman made a small noise and wrapped his arms around Virgil, squeezing him tightly. “I truly am so sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” Virgil murmured. “I forgive you.”

They both sat there for a while, until finally, Roman pulled back from Virgil, still giving him a slightly hesitant look. “Do you really mean it that you want me as a brother?” he asked.

Virgil nodded. “I really do,” he said with a smile.

Roman took a breath, and nodded. “Then Virgil,” he said, starting to smile back. “It would be my absolute honor to accept such a title. I promise I shall defend your name to the best of my ability. It shall be easier now that I know it.”

Virgil smirked. “You’re such a dork.”

“Hey, rude! I’m pledging an oath to defend your honor here!”

Virgil laughed, but before Roman could continue to act playfully offended, Remus appeared very suddenly on the other side of the coffee table, and turned instantly to Roman.

“Roman! Roman, idea!” he called, moving forward and pulling him up before shoving a notebook into his arms. “We play it like Anxiety and I thought that we were dangerous. Like we thought that being assholes to Thomas was the best way to protect him, which it totally was by the way, but that’s not the point!”

“Oh!” Roman said excitedly, looking down at the paper with a grin. “And we could tie that into a discussion about communicating and being willing to hear others out in regards to their reasoning!”

“And working with others to find the best solution that you might not have thought of on your own!”

“And not letting stubbornness or bias blind you to what’s possible!”

“And trying to understand and empathize with people even if you may not like them!”

“I love it!”

“Me too!”

“Alright!” Roman clapped his hand together happily. “Let’s bring it to Thomas for approval! I think this is going to be a good one! I— oh, wait!”

Roman stopped suddenly and spun around to face Virgil again. “I’m sorry, Virgil, I know we kind of weren’t done talking, did you—”

Virgil climbed up, walking around the coffee table, and pulled Remus and Roman both into a tight hug. He didn’t really have a ton of words to express what he was feeling, so he hoped he could get across with a squeeze how proud he was of his baby brothers.

Remus made a happy noise and squeezed them both too, which resulted in Roman making a slight wheezing noise.

“You two hug tight.”

“Get used to it,” Virgil said with a pat to Roman’s back.

“You’re collapsing my lungs.”

“Too bad, it’s hug time,” Remus said.

Roman made a half-hearted attempt to squirm away, but even if he’d meant it, Virgil was definitely stronger than him, and Remus was more than willing to help, so he was stuck with them whether he liked it or not.

Virgil had a sneaking suspicion that he did.

…

Chapter Forty-Two

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #remus sanders #roman sanders #platonic dukexiety #platonic prinxiety #creativitwins #THEY'RE BROTHERS YOUR HONOR #my fic

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