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vagrantblvrd · 3 years

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Modern day spy/assassin AU where former singer/musician/~artiste works in a cozy little coffee shop neatly sandwiched between a bookstore and, idk, a flower shop.

Expected to be one of the hottest new stars coming out of Oxenfurt if it hadn’t been for that scandal with fellow band member and rumored lover Valdo Marx over alleged song theft and so on. Followed by a messy break up - band and personal - and a drawn out legal battle that drained what money Valdo hadn’t stolen from him.

(And a year or so after all that Jaskier doesn’t like to think about too much before he got his feet back under him and a friend mentioned this coffee shop she frequented, and anyway, he’s doing much better now and also somehow ends up owning it himself when its previous owner retires and sells the business to him for like, five bucks, because the power of friendship or something, idk.)

One day on his way home he stumbles over someone half dead in an alley and is like oh, oh, no because the last thing he needs is another scandal attached to his name?

Like.

He’s kept his nose clean for just over six month now, has been playing around with new melodies and bought a new notebook for lyrics and whatnot. Looked into playing at some local places, not really wanting to be a megastar or whatever these days, but he loves music and performing in a little bar somewhere would be nice, you know?

ANYWAY.

Turns out the guy isn’t actually dead, thank goodness but might as well be? Has this medallion around his neck, a cat? Which, okay, whatever he’s seen stranger and he’s getting his phone out to call an ambulance or whatever, crouched next to the guy.

Memory from the CPR course he took in college surfaces in his mind - the instructor was hot and even if Jaskier never got the guy’s number he learned valuable life skills. (And also met Shani and that proved better than getting the guy’s number because she’s one of his best friends and also incredible and anyway.)

Reaches out to check for a pulse, which is when the guy grabs his wrist - surprisingly strong grip for someone who looks like he lost a fight with a freight train - and hsi eyes snap open and they are...extremely striking and not at all normal - cat eyes, to go with the cat medallion and hahaha, oh shit, this is bad, bad news, isn’t it?

The guy tries to threaten him, which. Not as effective when the growl he’s trying for just sounds sad and pathetic, and anyway, there’s something...not fear, no, in his eyes, that has Jaskier forgetting to put the call through for an ambulance.

It’s very close to fear though. Worry? Concern? Something that Jaskier relates to in some incredibly fucked up way.

(The way he felt when Valdo Marx fucked him over and everything he’d built fell apart around him, and anyway, yes.)

He doesn’t even know why, he does, or why he ends up hauling the guy up to his apartment and patches him up best he can with wwhat he has on hand.

Will probably end up being murdered by the guy the moment he’s on his feet, but eh, that’s a problem for future Jaskier, really.)

Anyway, Aiden - because of course it’s Aiden - is super suspicious of Jaskier and his everything and there is indeed a moment where he pins Jaskier to a wall with a kitchen knife - it was an apartment-warming gift from Shani and Essi and Jaskier’s more worried about it being damaged than Aiden slitting his throat, which just confuses Aiden?

Because what even is Jaskier and his priorities???

But he doesn’t kill Jaskier and the knife gets put back and aside from that little bump in their relationship they actually become friends after that.

Jaskier takes to referring to Aiden as a stray cat whenever one of his friends or whoever asks why he buys more groceries or hurries home after work instead of sticking around to gossip a bit the way he usually does.

Aiden thinks it’s hilarious as opposed to insulting, which is great seeing as how Jaskier’s pretty sure the man’s a hitman or assassin or other similar career?

(Might be the way he mentions past jobs and his dark sense of humor and also the time he could have killed Jaskier if he felt he was a threat? So, yes.)

And Aiden, okay.

Got burned or something to leave him half dead in an alley for just anyone to stumble over and since Jaskier hasn’t made any fuss about him moving out decides he might as well stay where he is for the time being, you know?

He goes and gets a job...somewhere to help with rent and so on. Offers Jaskier enough hints to make it sound like he’s out murderizing people right and left the moment he’s out of the apartment, but then Jaskier sees him helping Triss bring in deliveries out behind the flower shop so he knows Aiden’s been fucking with him on that front and is like, dude, not funny.

(Aiden begs to disagree, but whatever.)

And then!

A month or so after Aiden’s back on his feet Jaskier runs into one of the owners of the bookshop next door?

New management and so on, and oh no, he’s exceedingly hot.

White hair and gold eyes and, sure, he’s not the most talkative guy around? But Jaskier’s cracked tougher nuts or some other way of phrasing it that doesn’t sound like a euphemism.

Also, also, there’s another painfully attractive man working there who is incredibly sweet and has a menace of a goat that they have instead of a bookstore cat?

Which.

Seems like a bad idea since Jaskier often hears about how Lil Bleater nibbles on the books if someone isn’t watching her and anyway, it means he gets to listen to Eskel lament about her latest misadventures while Geralt stands there and tries not to let on how amused he is by both the bookstoer goat and her owner and Jaskier is like shit, because Geralt and Eskel are so, so hot and he’s only human and Aiden, Aiden, do not laugh at his pain, you utter bastard of a man.

ANYWAY.

Shenanigans in which Geralt and Eskel think Jaskier has this insufferable bastard of a former stray cat at home and Jaskier piiiiines like a sad bastard while Aiden laughs and laughs and laughs.

(It should be pointed out that not once in all the time Aiden started working for Triss - and Geralt, Eskel, and Lambert - who Jaskier has heard all about but not yet met - have seen one another even though they spend most of the working day a few hundred feet apart, because Plot Reasons.)

And then!

Some shenanigans in which Geralt or Eskel - who are totally spies who are using their cozy little bookshop as a cover - get tangled up in trouble and Jaskier stumbles on them with this incredible sense of deja vu.

He drags them into the coffee shop to patch them up, and he forgets to lock the front door, which is convenient because then Aiden wanders in hoping for a free coffee?

(Power of ~friendship, and also roommates, and yes.)

Jaskier is kind of covered in blood - Geralt and Eskel’s - and Aiden is immediately in Assassin!Mode because he’s fond of Jaskier, right, owes him his life and such.

But also, Geralt and Eskel who have also had their oh, oh no he’s hot moment when it comes to Jaskier are likewise fond of him - and working up the nerve to ask him for a date, but that’s neither here nor there - go into Spy!Mode and there’s an honestly kind of terrifying, kind of sad stand-off.

Jaskier is in Adrenaline!Mode because fuck his life, of course Geralt and Eskel can’t just be incredibly hot bookstore owners and is like “If you fuck up my coffee shop I will not be happy, and also please consider my delicate sensibilities,”

Which manages to stop whatever fight was about to break out and he essentially does the Chris Pratt with the raptors thing, only with a couple of spies and his assassin roommate.

Pretends the three of them aren’t throwing menacing looks at one another as he patches Geralt and Eskel up and then is like “Well, that was fun!” because no, no it was not, and his heart is going to burst with all the tension and whatnot in the air. and hahaha, this is fine.

Which of course is when Lambert comes stomping through the front door and there is even more Drama and Angst because his ~forbidden relationship with Assassin!Aiden and heartbreak when it was assumed he’d been killed by his agency a few months back, but wait, he’s still alive???

And idk, just a lot of ridiculous spy movie cliche nonsense in which Jaskier is reluctantly dragged into things because he saved Aiden’s life that one time, and is piiiiining for Geralt and Eskel and of course he gets taken hostage and they have to band together to save him but shenanigans and ~plot twists and so on.

(And then when it seems all is lost Triss and her utterly terrifying girlfriend Yennefer actually save the day because they, too, are spies and Jaskier would honestly like to know if he’s the only normal person he knows or what, because really, what are the odds???)

Whenever the death-defying events and such are over Jaskier does, actually, go on a date with Geralt and Eskel and some smooching happens.

(Technically not their first, because that happened after they saved Jaskier’s life in that oh thank god none of us died moment after all the danger and excitement, but none of them mind, because smooches.)

Lambert and Aiden make fun of the three of them, but gently because they, too, are prime targets for mockery as they also decide to try a proper relationship and not just stolen moments here and there, and anyway, anyway

A year or so down the road Jaskier gets tired of coming home to find the two in compromising situations and is like, why, though, which conveniently happens around the time Geralt and Eskel approach him about moving in with them somewhere and he’s like, well, if he must, like he’s not thrilled about it because he’s kind of gone on the two of them, you know?

So they get this place big enough for the three of them and Lil Bleater and Aiden and Lambert get his old place and it all works out?

Sure, sure, there are a few close moments where Geralt and Eskel’s work puts Jaskier in danger, and that time whoever tried to kill Aiden targets Jaskier and so on?

But he’s like, eh, it happens, because obviously it does.

Which means Geralt and Eskel take it upon themselves to teach him to defend himself - and half the time it ends in smooches and sexytimes because hand-to-hand and being pinned to mats and adjusting his stance while learning how to use firearms and such, you know?

But also Aiden and Lambert teaching Jaskier knives and explosives - “I’m sorry, but one of these things is not like the others,” in regard to Lambert and his explosives, but it’s a ~bonding moment, so whatever.

(Also, also, that time Jaskier was able to defuse a bomb in some highly improbable and ridiculous bit of shenanigans with spy nonsense and Lambert being a smug prick about it for forever afterwards.)

And then Jaskier finds out Geralt has this incredible kid with Yennefer and what the hell is his life that all these people know each other and he doesn’t find out about it until ages afterwards, but anyway.

Ciri is awesome and after her Vesemir comes to meet the guy two of his sons are in love with, and Coen shows up along with other assorted characters I’ve forgotten and anyway, yes???

(Also, also, Yennefer happens to find out about Valdo Marx and she straightens out that mess quietly and efficiently in such a way that Jaskier doesn’t realize it until long after the fact and is like hm, because he didn’t think she particularly liked him, but apparently he was wrong? Which leads to brunch dates with her and Triss and gossiping about the other idiots in their lives and discussing Jaskier giving Ciri music lessons and anyway, yes.)

#witcher nonsense #geraskel #geralt/eskel/jaskier #aiden/lambert #technically not a fic #vagrant fic #stray cat au #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#long post #the witcher

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roselen-mylady · 4 years

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In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader ° part one

Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life.

They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected. Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occured she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

32332 days, 1 hour, 6 minutes and 23 seconds.

Surely that wasn't right.

"What does it say, Buck?" Steve's voice cut through his confused daze. Bucky held out his right wrist letting Steve observe the outrageously long number of days his poor friend would have to wait. Steve's eyes widened and he took hold of Bucky's arm, trying to see for himself.

Bucky had been too dazed to do the math but the alarming number caused him to fall into despair as he dropped his arm numbly.

It was his 18th birthday and two minutes ago he had been just as excited as most people were during their coming of age. But as he stared at the countdown on his arm, watching as the seconds slowly ticked by, he couldn't help but feel hopeless.

"That's like 80 years." Steve gasped, realizing after the fact that his statement probably wasn't the most helpful. Most people didn't even live to see 80, let alone wait that long for a soulmate. Was it some sick joke? Was he destined to be alone?

Steve couldn't even find words to uplift his friend's spirits, making them fall into an upsetting silence. They sat there for a few minutes before Bucky stood from his chair with a soul crushing expression.

"I think I'm gonna call it a day." He said, unsuccessfully hiding his tearful gaze. Steve stood reluctant to leave but Bucky was insistent. He was never one to be weak in front of others, especially not one he devoted his every waking moment to protecting.

Unsurprisingly, the celebration between the two friends ended and Bucky managed to find himself alone for the rest of his birthday. What was supposed to be a joyous day had quickly soured as he mourned the loss of someone he hadn't even met.

Did he do something wrong?

What made him deserve such a cruel fate?

•••

It took years for Bucky to somewhat accept his countdown and he had developed a habit to cover it up. He was able to almost forget about it even if only for a while before he eventually needed to expose his wrist. It was a horrible feeling knowing he would most likely die before meeting his soulmate. Even with medical advances, the odds were against him.

Steve found that while most days Bucky was alright and things seemed normal, he still had bad days. Steve tried his best to distract Bucky on these days and avoided the subject of soulmates all together even when his own countdown appeared. Of course Bucky had been able to force a smile and express his happiness for his friend but Steve knew it wasn't real.

He wasn't sure when Bucky started to move on but he remembered it was sometime in their mid-twenties. He had been ecstatic upon hearing Bucky so cheerful after so long being depressed. But Bucky's methods weren't the best or healthy for that matter.

Bucky had decided that even though he'd never find his soulmate, it didn't mean he had to be alone so he started to become a lady's man of sorts. Oh, how Steve wished he hadn't.

He couldn't exactly object to his friend's behavior, it was fairly common for men to date the way he had and it wasn't like Bucky was inappropriate in his relationships. Yet rather selfishly, Steve hated the idea. He knew his friend's behavior was only a way of coping with his countdown but part of him still felt that Bucky's countdown meant something. The idea made Steve ashamed but he was a firm believer that fate and soulmates were definite and that Bucky would find her.

Perhaps it was that guilt he felt that kept him from saying anything about it when Bucky appeared with a new girl on his arm each time. Eventually Steve grew used to being the tag along and any opposition he felt faded away.

Once he was used to Bucky's flings he wondered why he didn't try to stick to one girl. He must've cared enough about at least one of them to want to start a real relationship. But he realized first hand why Bucky had made an effort not to get too close.

"He's my soulmate, Bucky!" The girl shouted, throwing down the picture frame she had been holding. Steve flinched at the sound of shattering glass, feeling embarrassed to be caught in the middle of the couple's fight. Inside the frame had been a picture of Bucky and the woman smiling while holding one another. It was horribly ironic as Steve looked to his friend, his heart wrenching at the devastated expression on Bucky's face.

"Soulmates are a lie! It's not fate! It's not destiny! It's some idiotic hoax we all let control our lives!" Bucky yelled back. The girl fumed at his comeback, her face clearly expressing her anger.

Steve couldn't blame either side. People had been raised to believe that their soulmates were tied into their lives forever and whether the relationship was romantic or platonic you could never escape them. He couldn't wait to meet his own soulmate and start a life with her much like the poor girl before him wanted. But Steve knew that Bucky's situation was to blame for his resentfulness not because he actually believed what he said.

Because what no one knew except him and Bucky was that before he got his countdown, Bucky wanted that life too.

But it didn't stop her from grabbing her bag and storming off toward the door. "You're only saying that because you'll never meet yours!" She screamed, hitting him where she knew it would hurt most before slamming the door behind her.

It was agonizing watching his friend let go of the one girl he actually wanted to stay. They were good together, Steve knew that much but the girl had found her soulmate and Bucky was helpless to stop her from throwing everything they had out the window.

Bucky had gotten horribly drunk that night and Steve would forever remember his slurred words as he gave Steve a short and bitter piece of advice.

"Soulmates only cause pain and suffering. Don't ever let yourself fall victim." Bucky choked, bringing the liquor bottle back to his lips before wiping his tear stained cheeks.

Steve wanted to tell him it wasn't his soulmate's fault and not to blame her. It was the girl's own fault for so mercilessly ripping out his heart for another man. Soulmate or not it was heartless and yet Steve couldn't help but feel in a way it had been Bucky's soulmate who was to blame.

For the heartbreak he saw in Bucky's eyes that night weren't for the loss of his girlfriend. They were for the missing soulmate he knew he'd never find to complete him.

•••

Shortly after that night, America entered the second World War and Bucky had enlisted as many men in his country had.

"It's for our country." Bucky had explained rather patriotically and while Steve felt the same for his country, he couldn't help but feel that Bucky had only become involved as another distraction.

Steve tried desperately to follow in his footsteps, his motivation split between his inherited patriotism and dedication to looking out for his friend as Bucky had for him. And after months of trying he got his wish in a more unconventional way, becoming the famous Captain America.

Yet unbeknownst to Steve, tragedy had struck Bucky again overseas and he was captured after an unsuccessful attack in Azzano. Strangely the idea of dying hadn't seemed as terrifying to him as it had the others. Whenever he thought of his soulmate, his death came to his mind along with it and he was almost numb to the thought, as sick as that sounded.

"Stop." Bucky begged, leaning his head against the cold metal bar. His plea had caught the attention of the others in the cell with him and they stared at him, thrown off by the statement.

"What?" One of the men asked. Bucky rolled his head to the side lazily, looking at him. He knew he couldn't be mad at them for making conversation using the one thing they all had in common but he couldn't help it.

"Stop with the soulmate talk." He said gruffly. He turned his head back, staring up at the grated hole above them. The men were silent at first trying to respect their Sergeant's request but one bold soldier found himself unable to leave it alone.

"Would you care to talk about yours?" He questioned. Bucky shot him a short glare at his snide remark. It was a younger soldier, one Bucky had known wasn't one for rules but hadn't had too many problems with before then.

"No." Bucky growled, trying to get the kid to back off. He was much too tired to deal with the arrogant young soldier but he knew the kid wouldn't stop there.

"Why not? She dead or something?" He asked. The other men quickly snapped at him for his insensitivity but Bucky was already on his feet. The soldier watched carefully as Bucky paced over to him, a glint of fear in his eye as Bucky stood before him.

As a leader he wasn't new to asserting authority among the soldiers and whipping some into shape. But in their circumstance he found he didn't have the will to do so, instead letting out a long sigh as the others stared at him.

"No. But I will be." His voice was soft, just barely loud enough for those around him to hear. The soldier said nothing more to him even as Bucky volunteered himself to be taken away, sparing his soldiers even if only for one more day.

The idea of soulmates had left Bucky bitter and he cursed the universe for having dealt him such a bad hand. Soulmates were supposed to give people hope, a reason to carry on in the miserable scheme of things. But he had been deprived of that from the beginning.

He found that he could no longer fight the emptiness that had grown in his heart for years from the absence of his other half. So he warmly welcomed whatever HYDRA had planned.

But rather than torture or death he was met with Steve, yet not the Steve he had left. No this Steve was much bigger and stronger and Bucky already knew he was never going to get used to it. Once escaping, Bucky soon came to learn of the supersoldier serum and how Steve was now America's hero. And it didn't take much convincing on Steve's part to get Bucky to join the Captain's team of men as they sought out and destroyed the HYDRA bases.

Bucky would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy fighting alongside his friends as they took out a significant branch of the German forces. Unlike his soulmate, fighting the good fight gave him a purpose and he was able to finally accept his unfortunate countdown, no longer feeling anger or sadness toward it. He didn't really feel anything towards it.

Or so he had thought.

He allowed himself to share it with the others, something he had only done with Steve. It was rather entertaining listening to their brainstorming and for the first time he laughed about it. It was ironic laughing at his misfortune but he felt entitled to do so.

"What if you meet her in the future?" One of them questioned suddenly. The statement had rattled him so much he hadn't even known which had suggested it.

"What?" Bucky mumbled, stunned. The idea of meeting someone 78 years in the future had never even seemed possible to him and he certainly wouldn't have allowed himself to hope.

"What if you meet her in the future? I mean, if Steve can be a superhuman who's to say time travel isn't in the near future." Dum Dum added.

Bucky fell silent, processing the words carefully. He didn't want to give himself hope in finding her but there was some logic behind his statement. What if fate hadn't meant for him to never meet her? What if it was just going to take a bit longer than most?

And with that small bit of confirmation from his heart, for one blissful second he let his mind imagine her.

He thought of the color of her eyes or the style of her hair. Did she like animals? Did she bite her nails? Was she funny? Did she like the snow? Could she dance? He almost smiled thinking about teaching her to waltz.

Steve watched with anxious eyes as Bucky stared at the ground, his smile slowly fading as he thought more.

Was she out there somewhere believing the same as he did? Did she feel lonely too? Did she think about him? Would she love him?

A part of him felt that she would. Even though he resented the idea of soulmates he knew he loved her more than he felt was rational. It was an indescribable feeling, loving someone you knew nothing about and he would've argued he didn't if he didn't feel so depressed by knowing he'd never meet her. He loved and mourned her all at once and he knew deep down she was the only one who would understand how that felt. He knew she would love him too even if the only thing connecting them was their mutual loss of one another.

"I think we should call it a night." Steve announced, not wanting them to say anything else that might hurt Bucky. They agreed and walked off toward their tents with drunken giggles and taunts. Steve went with Bucky to his tent though it was a silent walk. They sat inside on his cot for a good while before Bucky built the nerve to speak.

"Do you think she loves me?" Bucky questioned suddenly. Steve hesitated before replying, unsure whether to play into getting Bucky's hopes up.

"Yeah. I think she does even if she doesn't know it yet." Steve answered truthfully. He couldn't help but hope for his friend's happiness. Even though it seemed impossible, it didn't stop him from believing that one day Bucky might find his soulmate.

Bucky nodded keeping his eyes on the ground. Steve took that as his cue to leave and he gave Bucky a quiet goodnight before heading off to his own tent.

Bucky fell asleep shortly after that but was abruptly awoken sometime in the early hours in a cold sweat. For the first time in years, he had a dream. It left him shaken to the core and before he could even process it, he had begun to cry.

In his dream, he saw the woman he had believed he'd never meet. By the time he had woken up he could only remember a blur of her but it was enough to give him hope that maybe, just maybe one day in another life he'd finally be able to see her. To hold her close and tell her how long he had been waiting for her.

But even his new found desire to find the woman behind the face couldn't save him from his fate that cold, devastating day.

•••

His time at HYDRA came back in dizzying fragments but he remembered them finding him at the bottom of the frozen canyon, blood trailing from his torn arm. He supposed they thought he was unconscious because they began their procedure right away. He felt every torturous second of having the remainder of his limb removed and replaced with a metal version.

He must've finally slipped from consciousness because when he had come to, he had control of the arm and he instantly used it to choke the man closest to him. They drugged him to get him to stop and reluctantly his grip on the man loosened as his body went numb.

He didn't know how long he had been frozen for or exactly when he was frozen again but he knew every time he came out of cryostatis, someone died. With being the new fist of HYDRA, he assassinated important figures who might oppose them and while most were still foggy to him, he vividly remembered killing Howard Stark and his wife.

During the times he was out of the ice he struggled to remember who he was or what he was doing. He was a soldier and every part of his identity had been scrubbed clean from his mind. But there was one part of him they could never erase and he recalled staring at the countdown every chance he got. He supposed it was the only piece of himself he had to hold onto and though he couldn't remember what the numbers had been the last time he was thawed it still gave him hope that he had a purpose other than to kill.

"How many years are in 23,725 days?" He had questioned someone numbly. The HYDRA scientist closest to him had taken pity on him, answering his question quietly as to avoid getting in trouble.

"About 65 years." They said shortly. He nodded silently, not even noticing as someone stormed into the room making the scientist cower knowing he'd done something he shouldn't have.

However Bucky had been so satisfied with the answer he didn't even fight as they shoved the rubber piece into his mouth and forced him back. Those simple numbers were the reason he was thrown into the blender so often but it didn't stop him from asking whenever he got the chance.

Of course no one answered him, not after what had happened to the last guy but even his simple curiosity was enough for them to tear apart his mind like a discarded puzzle that needed to go back in the box. Even years after being freed of HYDRA he couldn't remember most of the things they had done to him.

It went on like that for decades and sometime during that he stopped asking about his countdown, finally becoming the mindless soldier they desired. Not even the idea of his soulmate could remind him that he was human and he hadn't questioned their cause for a long time. That was until Steve came along.

Reminding Bucky of who he was wasn't an easy process, most attempts ending with him becoming hostile, even feral due to years of brainwashing. But soon the memories became too strong and even frequent brainwashing wasn't able to stop him from remembering parts of his past life. And after his final fight with Steve he realized staying with HYDRA was no longer an option but neither was going with Steve.

So he went underground, trying to protect both himself and everyone around him. It was only a matter of time before Steve found him again, leading to the catastrophic fight between Avengers at that Berlin airport. After the final fight between Steve and Tony he realized the only way to keep Steve and everyone else safe was to go back to cryostasis. Thankfully Wakanda had supplied a way for him to do this, though Steve was naturally reluctant.

"You sure about this?" Steve questioned. Bucky smiled, having never been more sure of anything.

"I can't trust my own mind. So, until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head I think going back under is the best thing...for everybody." He sighed, looking down, guilt washing over him. He had done so many terrible things, most of which he didn't even remember. He couldn't inflict himself on the world again.

"Besides, maybe when I wake up my soulmate will be waiting for me." He offered with a playful shrug. Steve laughed, putting his hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"Yeah, well if she is, chew her out for keeping you waiting for so long." Steve replied. Bucky laughed, shaking his head. He remembered the hate he once felt for soulmates but whether it be his fragile mind or just the fact that the numbers on his wrist were almost normal looking, he no longer felt angry.

Instead he felt something he hadn't felt in a really long time.

He felt optimistic.

"She'll be worth the wait."

•••

He was taken out again once his mind and arm had finally healed enough for him to feel like himself again. Unfortunately his soulmate hadn't been waiting for him when he woke up but he was content with waiting a little longer. And with the help of Shuri he made a life of farming and solitude in Wakanda while he did so.

Much of his time out in the green fields were spent allowing his mind to run wild about her. He had never let himself become excited about his soulmate since it seemed so hopeless before but now his wrist wore a more plausible countdown. Looking forward to it was justified and even expected now that he was so close.

The numbers had decreased drastically in the 73 years his mind had been lost and it now read a fair number of 1825 days. Once showing Shuri the countdown she calculated the exact second he'd meet his fated soulmate but he could only remember it was sometime in October of 2023. While the year sounded like something out of a book he realized he had actually lived to 2018. The impossible thing he had told himself he'd never be able to witness was only 5 years away and he felt euphoric knowing he only had to wait a little bit longer to meet her.

But his happiness didn't last long for the King of Wakanda himself came to Bucky with a new arm. He already knew what T'Challa would ask of him and he sighed, looking down at the black Vibranium arm likely made for him by Shuri.

"Where's the fight?" He questioned, resignation clear in his tone. A part of him had known things were too good and that something would happen to change that but he had naively wished it would happen after finally meeting his soulmate.

But the universe had planned to make him suffer one more time and he was woefully incapable of fighting it this time.

•••

The battle against Thanos's forces had been harder and crazier than any fight he'd been a part of before. He hadn't even grown used to the advanced technology Wakanda contained and yet there he was fighting aliens alongside a talking raccoon. His years of being a soldier of HYDRA came in handy as he held his own against the horrible monsters that invaded the once peaceful land of Wakanda.

And when Thanos had been hit in the chest with the ax that was larger than life, he found he was relieved. In that short moment he decided this would be his last fight and that he would dedicate every moment from that point forward to finding his soulmate once and for all.

He didn't care if he had to spend the remaining years searching the far corners of the world. He would find her.

But he hadn't realized how far things were from over until the snap.

Tragedy struck Bucky one more time that day, only he hadn't been around to witness it. He was the first of many to be taken from the world at the hands of Thanos.

But the countdown continued.

Part two

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lxveille · 5 years

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asking daisies and the art of faking

woozi x reader

word count: ~ 2500 warnings: some vague talking about sex a/n: part of the morning after shuffle; sometimes i wonder why you guys let me get away with writing lmao

You’ve never really been a heavy sleeper. It had been quite an obstacle to overcome when you’d first moved into your downtown apartment. Sirens and faded thumps of basslines from bars eventually became like white noise. Strangers shouting on the sidewalk sometimes sound like they’re trying to get your attention specifically. Even with your bedroom window shut. And experience had shown it rare for anyone to be able to sneak out of your bed without you rousing in the process.

A dip in the mattress and a rush of cooler air, and you’re awake. You don’t move much; unaware of the time and unwilling to accept that you could possibly need to get up already. But you listen to Jihoon’s footfalls on your bedroom floor and the barely there rustles of him pulling on clothes again.

It isn’t until you hear him leave the room that you roll over in bed and stare at the empty spot he left beside you.

Your mind drifts back to any number of times this has happened before with different men. There were always variables on what hour they would slink out at. And whether you caught them at the door, and whether you wished they would stay. You’d gotten used to falling asleep with company and waking up alone. Still, it isn’t something you’d expected to happen with Jihoon.

Spending a night with a boyfriend was supposed to be different, you’d thought.

You push the sheets down and swing your legs off the side of the mattress. When you leave the bedroom, you find him crouched near the door, finishing tying up his shoes.

“Morning?” You do little to prevent your voice from sounding as puzzled as you feel. He lifts his head and smiles. It isn’t the smile you’ve come to expect from him over the weeks since you’ve started dating. It’s more reminiscent of when you’d first met, when he’d been hesitant and short on things to say.

“I was gonna go for a run,” he jumps straight into explanation. It’s part of his morning routine. He doesn’t need to tell you that. Nonetheless, it takes you by surprise. Does it make you clingy if you’d wanted this morning to be a change from his usual?

“Okay,” you try to hide disappointment. “Are you coming back after…?” His apartment building is only around the corner from your own. If it were any further, you would’ve restrained yourself from asking that much too.

“I could.” He stands up, and adjusts the cap on his head. “If you want me to.”

“You’re always welcome here.”

His smile is almost comforting at that. But he leaves without coming any closer to you.

The moment the door clicks shut, you let out a long sigh.

You drag your feet back into your bedroom to find your phone. Which of your friends do you possibly ask about this? How do you even word how you’re feeling now? Are you even sure there’s a problem to go texting about?

Well, yes. There must be. Hollowness is one thing after a good one night stand. It’s a different being in love. Surely, this part should feel better. Your thumb hovers over Chaewon’s name in your recent messages for a moment before you end up clicking out and locking your screen.

A bath will help, you decide. The tiled floor is cold, and the sensation is somewhat grounding. Things are different with Jihoon. Whatever experience you have under your belt, relationships are still new territory. Maybe he didn’t know any better than you did what a couple’s first morning after was supposed to look like.

You shake your hand dry after testing the temperature of the running water. The sound of the faucet’s heavy stream hitting the ceramic of the tub is a welcome change from the silence he’s left behind in the apartment.

While the water level rises, you slip slowly out of pajamas. Taking this as a moment to get a look at yourself. There’s splotches from kisses he’s gotten too intense with at your collarbones and at the top of your thighs. A single one sits near your left hip as well. Your fingers brush over that well-intentioned bruise. The memory of his half-clumsy kisses brings a lightness back to your chest.

You try not to think too much once you sink into the bath. It’s hard to keep your mind quiet for long, though.

Last night was good, you insist. He’d been sweet, and eager, if brief -- and so odd in your brief exchange this morning. You take a breath and plunge your head under the water.

The bath gets chilly before you manage to come to any kind of solution.

Once you dry off and pull on some clean house clothes, you send a text to Chaewon.

‘Jihoon stayed over last night.’ You keep it simple. Vague. You don’t even know if she’s awake or if she’s busy. You can spare her from jumping straight into a total barrage of your worries, at least.

You set the phone down on your dining table and sink into one of the accompanying chairs. Arms fold atop the surface for you to rest your chin on. When you sigh, you wonder just how many times you’ve done that this morning. You look at the black, shiny screen of your phone and will it to light up with a message. From Chaewon or Jihoon. You’re not too picky which.

Your eyes lift from the screen to vase of daisies in the center of your table. Cue your nth sigh of the day.

You’re not sure how he goes from bringing flowers last night to seeming so distant this morning. You wonder if he’ll dump me; he’ll dump me not has been played before while picking petals.

Do people break up over one night of bad sex?

You fingers itch to google it. Thankfully, your text tone interrupts that train of thought just in time.

‘How was it?’ Chaewon has asked.

Perhaps the last question you wanted to be asked. ‘Fine,’ you type out the denial easily, ‘but he took off really early.’

Only a minute later, she replies: ‘What’d he say?’

‘He wanted to go for a run’

‘Weird’

Her one word response makes you sink further down in your seat.

‘Do you want to do brunch?’ she follows up. The standby cure-all for disastrous dates and small heartbreaks that came with guys sneaking out when you thought there had been a spark. You don’t think Jihoon counts as either. Not really.

‘I’m okay,’ you text back.

Chaewon knows you well, though. Maybe you ought to ask her how you feel about this all, since she gives the impression of having a better grasp on it than you when she messages, ‘Call me if you wanna talk’

Instead, you seek distraction, and ask what she got up to last night. She must understand that selfish bit behind your question, because you starts giving you long stories of what she’d done.

She’s gotten through three and your hair is just barely damp when there’s a knock at your door.

When you open it up, you find Jihoon in a change of clothing and with an iced coffee in either hand. Only one is still entirely full though. “You didn’t go get any while I was out, did you?” he asks as he holds out that cup to you.

He sounds like himself again. For a second, you think that perhaps everything can just be fixed if you pretend nothing had happened. Maybe nothing had happened, and you’d just felt as if it had.

Except a feeling is something.

Still, you smile when you take the coffee from him and step aside to let him in. Pushing the door closed once more, you take a sip and wonder what you’re supposed to do now. Whether you carry on with the easiest option or let him know you’ve spent all morning in a tizzy.

You can guess what Chaewon’s advice would be without even having asked her. Perhaps it’s a benefit of just how well you know each other.

“Does this mean we can talk now?” You ask after taking another swallow of coffee.

“About what?” he asks, turning to you.

“Whatever got into you.” It’s easier to bristle than phrase it as your own uncertainty. His expression changes from curious to a bit of a scowl.

“I’m fine.” He sounds more confused than anything else. You have trouble believing you’re really the only one who found anything odd about this morning.

“Jihoon, you pretty much literally ran away this morning.”

He opens his mouth only to decide to take another drink from his straw. Your fingers tighten a fraction around your own cup. You can recognize a stalling tactic. “I feel like we should talk,” you add. It’s the same sentiment you’d expressed before, but you try to make it sound a touch less confrontational. Given how little his face changes, you don’t know how much of a success it is.

“About me leaving?” When he puts it like that, it doesn’t sound like such a big deal. Especially not given the fact that he’d come back. And with coffee for you both, at that.

You set the cup down on your table. “You left like nothing happened last night.” Your tone stays as casual as it can. Wiping your hand against your leg to rid your palm of leftover condensation gives you a good excuse to avoid looking his way as you speak.

Your eyes trail back to him in time to spot the end of his small nod. He looks as if he’d just tasted something new; trying to decide whether or not he liked the flavor or not. It takes a few beats too long to be comfortable for him to reply. “I thought you might want some space.”

That admission doesn’t make things any clearer to you. You’re not even sure if a one night stand had ever cited that as a reason to be heading out early.

“Why’d you think that?”

He shrugs at first. You keep your gaze on him, quietly holding out for something more as an answer. “I don’t know,” Jihoon fills in before the silence can linger too long. You don’t accept it either, though, and look him up and down inquiringly. The quiet urges him to carry on, as if it was what he’d been intending to say from the start, “I don’t know if it was what you expected.”

“I definitely wasn’t expecting you to leave,” you answer.

His feet shuffle in place on the floorboards. “Before, I mean.”

That makes you pause, and not out of some desire to hear more from him. “Well,” you reach out for the cup of iced coffee, wrapping your fingers around the top of lid without lifting it off the table, “It’s not like it was my first time.”

“I know that.” It’d be difficult for Jihoon not to know. You’d never been anything but straightforward with him about your time with him being the slowest you’d ever moved with someone. It had felt strangely refreshing not move straight into sex with someone. Though that was hardly the descriptor you’d choose for it now. “That’s why.”

That’s why? You repeat over inside your head. You go over the line of thought: knowing it wasn’t your first time was why he was feeling unsure. So had he spent the whole night comparing himself to other men you’d never given specifics on?

“Are you trying to ask if I came last night?” You come to your hypothesis.

His expression shifts. A twitch in his eyebrows and an uncertain, downward tug at the corner of his lips. It reads like that question hadn’t quite been the point before, but it certainly had shot up his list now. “Did you?” he asks back.

You inhale sharply and twitch your head to one side. It wasn’t as if you had lied to him last night. At least not as far as having actually told him otherwise.

“I mean…” you begin, voice pitched higher than usual. It’s essentially an answer all on its own. Be honest, a piece of advice flits through your mind. People are supposed to be honest in relationships. “It’s kinda late to ask now, yeah? You know--” and again, your tone pitches upwards. As if you could ascend out of this conversation if you just spoke high enough. “-- don’t worry about it.”

It’s nearly a squeak by the time you finish. And Jihoon looks more and more discouraged with every wincing note you go up. Avoiding a definitive answer was a clear enough answer on it’s own.

“You know, sometimes first times aren’t great,” you rush to salvage the conversation. “It’s fine. We just need to, like, you know, get to know each others’ bodies more. All that.”

He only hums a stiff, low note in reply.

“What, like you’re used to having mind-blowing sex on the first go with someone? Is that it?” You mean for it to be lighthearted. You’re ready to take the brunt of the blame for this; pin yourself as the one who’d made it out like things had been better than they were in the moment. Be the one to promise to be more honest next time.

It doesn’t appear to strike Jihoon that way. He’s the one averting his gaze now.

“I haven’t -- I hadn’t…” He starts, and corrects, and pauses. He looks to you, some part of him desperate for you to fill in the blanks. “...Before last night,” he gives you just a little more to go on, and it clicks into place.

Oh.

Knowing it wasn’t your first time was why he wasn’t sure if he met your expectations. For any of it. Because you were his first. No wonder he hadn’t even gotten around to wondering if you’d faked an orgasm or not before you brought it up. He’d been too busy faking knowing everything he was doing.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“You didn’t really ask.” His answer is more of a mumble.

He’s right. Of course. You’d both confessed about being each other’s first labeled relationship. You’d taken what that implied for granted.

Before you can get into a slump of your own over making assumptions, you re-prioritize.

“Jihoon,” you draw his attention, and smile when his eyes meet yours, “That’s kinda the best news in this scenario.”

He looks as skeptical as you expect.

Your fingers unwind from their anxious grip around the coffee cup and take a few strides towards him. “People learn by doing,” you tell him, “you can really only go up from here.”

“But you--”

You place a hand on his arm and interrupt, “I bet I could be a pretty good teacher.”

Lesson number one turns out to be for both of you: talk a lot more. There’s a world of difference between having a question and asking it.

#seventeen scenarios #seventeen imagines #woozi imagines #lee jihoon x reader #seventeen fanfic #themorningaftershuffle

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mooosicaldreamz · 5 years

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please do a song by song review of lover i beg u

oh......u didn’t have to beg!!!! i’ll give it to you 4 FREE.

I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED: what i enjoy about this song is that it is fun and not especially mean, just like, shrug emoji. i think sometimes when ur in a relationship that is not especially amazing and you reach the point where you forget that you dated someone is the funniest thing and its such a strange moment. it’s a good tonesetter for the album, bc its so fun and chill and like, whatever. it has the same energy that i think we are never getting back together wanted to have. i LOVE the “i just forget what they were” breakdown. what a fun, bouncy song. easy listening to start the album. calvin harris rip.

CRUEL SUMMER: i love jack antanoff vERY much and have liked his work with fun. and as bleachers, and i think his production on lorde and taylor’s albums has been so wonderful. this song just reeks of him and it’s so like, ascendent, how it builds up and up into the chorus. i think it’s interesting that she reaches so high on the chorus. “summer’s a knife/i’m always waiting for you to cut to the bone/devils roll the dice/angels roll their eyes.” the breakdown is once again wonderful abt crying in the back of the cab on the way back from the bar - i feel like this album and its concept brings a much more natural version of taylor that i think has largely (and perhaps rightfully, considering the evolution of her fame and craft) been in hiding since probably red but maybe even since speak now. “I LOVE YOU AIN’T THAT THE WORST THING YOU EVER HEARD // HE LOOKS SO PRETTY LIKE A DEVIL” while she’s screaming it is more exuberant than ANYTHING on 1989 or rep (and i love both of those albums).

LOVER: i love how sleepy soft this song is, i love how simple it is, and it’s made me cry like, six times. the wedding band sound is just, so fun and beautiful. it really makes me feel like i’m drunk, happy, and dancing really slow on an emptying dancefloor. i’m going to assume that was the vibe. it’s so soft. god it feels like a cloud. i enjoy how simple the lyrics are in this song, and how the words get to breathe and simmer. they take on a lot of meaning bc of how much space they’re given by the echo and by pacing. it’s so nice. i’ve gone back and forth on whether i like the wedding vows thing, but i think it might be nice. i love “swear to be overdramatic AND TRUE! to my lover”

THE MAN: the bumpy sound of the bass beat is really fun, and i think the song is a good bop, but it doesn’t say anything i don’t already know - but i think taylor bringing up the back end on the Woke train, trying to reach all those people who still aren’t totally sure about the gays or feminism but also think trump is terrible and are now reconsidering their life choices is a fine enough goal for her social justice initiatives. also i just realized she says “getting bitches and models” which she already does, you don’t have to pretend taylor

THE ARCHER: this song is sonic perfection the rolling synths the dreamy voice, the awful awful breakdown at the end of “they see right thru me / can you see right thru me / i see right thru me” “help me hold onto you” i just ... can’t handle this song. it’s perfect. i like the implication throughout this album that taylor is in Love, the big real kind, and i support her and joe bc i think it’s obvious their relationship has totally like, taken her to a new and good emotional space. anyway i like the implication that taylor fell in real, big Love and realized that love is still a fucking mess, like it doesn’t solve all the problems. “ALL OF MY HEROES DIE ALL ALONE” i mean come on. i hate her

I THINK HE KNOWS: this song is a bop “i think he knows his hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it’s mine” is a stn move. the rumbly noise in the chorus and the synthy breakdown is a beast, it owns itself. there’s a real comfortable self-confidence that i, once again, maintain has been missing from taylor’s music up until now. also that moaning noise distracts me every time. “hand on my thigh/we can follow the sparks/i’ll drive” tAYLOR! inappropriate. i’ve seen some takes on this song that it’s not a fave, but it’s a fun song and people are wrong. there’s not one song on this album that i’m like this is bad in the way that i DO NOT like some songs on rep

MISS AMERICANA AND THE HEARTBREAK PRINCE: the first thing i thought when i heard this song is that it sounds like lana del rey. give it a re-listen, it does. sounds just like idk, “high by the beach” but it also rings a bell for me of electra heart era marina and the diamonds (like “teen idle”). i like this song a lot, even though it’s relatively oblique in my opinion on what it’s.....actually about. “you play stupid games / you win stupid prizes” is a great lyric in masterful taylor swift fashion bc it looks stupid when u write it on paper. i like the shouting breakdown thing that happens on the back end of the song with go/fight/win (OH I JUST GOT that, it’s like cheerleaders shouting). i’m a fan of it, but it’s an oddball on the tracklist.

PAPER RINGS: this song rings with a lot of red’s chaotic energies but with the adult sensibilities that she’s rolling with on this album. i love the sort of down-home shouty stuff happening on the verses, and the “kiss me once / kiss me twice / three times” bridge. it’s a good one. “i hate accidents/except when we went from friends to this” is a fun and good lyric. i LOVE the key change i LOVE the “wrap your arms around me baby boy” for some reason very much.

CORNELIA STREET: i mean obviously this song is wonderful. i’ve seen much Discourse about this song being related to Kaylor which seems plausible. it’s clear that taylor wrote some of these songs in the present tense when they’re in the past, which i think is really interesting. i LOVE “jacket ‘round my shoulder is yours” what a good inversion of the phrase. i love the way that the phrase cornelia street breaks up the lines in a really weird way, because of how its syllables run. it’s a good song. it’s a soft boi

DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS: early frontrunner for my fave song!!!!! love the opening repeating noise, and the simple guitar plucks initially. taylor’s voice takes up front and center bc it isn’t especially altered/layered/echoed like it is in some other spots on the album. it has an amazing rolling pace on its verses that’s followed by the slower pace on the chorus. “i ask the traffic lights if it’ll be okay and they say i don’t know” i am certain that this song is about karlie kloss and i will not accept any other possibilities i know she said it was about a movie but i don’t care. “my hips my heart my body my love / tryna find a part of me you didn’t touch” wow taylor god what a gifted lyricist i hate her

LONDON BOY: this song is fun. “i saw the dimples first / then i heard the accent” i love the rising effect on “walking on the afternoon” resetting with the horns. it’s just a song that makes you bob your head. she does sound like she’s throwing out as many english references as she possibly can which is amusing and i don’t know what the legs are on this song bc of that - it could come across as somewhat kitschy. but! also i’d like to start some discourse bc i think it’s CLEAR that taylor isn’t afraid of using pronouns or even very direct references to who she’s with (this song is basically an I LOVE JOE ALWYN shirt), and it makes it even more clear when she’s avoiding using pronouns or direct description. the two songs before this don’t do that in the same way that this song does. 1989 barely uses pronouns at all. i’m just saying. taylor is bi is what i’m saying.

SOON YOU’LL GET BETTER: obviously this song is sad and it makes me cry i have no further commentary except that it’s a wonderful, simple song that has an excessively odd placement on this album following after london boy

FALSE GOD: this song is sexy! and interesting. the horns come back again, which is good and her voice is lower. honestly the line “the altar is my hips” is just..........a lot for me to compute. “i’m golden when you touch me / hell is when i fight with you” the bridges are really fun, sexy, soft. this song is like when lover ends and a song with a little more of a sultry feel comes on but ur still drunk so its a little sloppy.

YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN: obviously this song ruined my life. it sent me to the heights of elation and then i sort of had a hangover on it but i’m back around on it guys! it’s a fun, fun, summery song. that chorus with the oh-oh is just .... pop perfection. the bumpy synth noise that goes ba-duh-duh-duh like it’s reverberating is absolutely perfect for the pacing of the song. it’s excessively well-crafted to the point of slickness. it should have been the lead single but what do i know about anything

AFTERGLOW: i know that i wasn’t supposed to be into i pinned your hands behind your back but i was so. this is a continuation of the theme of like, i’m in love but i’m still a mess!!! sorry :) i like this song but it does not inspire me.

ME!: i don’t know why the exclamation point is there and it sounds much more like a brendon urie song than a taylor song, but it’s fun! i don’t hate it! i can see why it was picked as a lead single - to really illustrate the tonal change from rep to here, but still. spelling is fun, tho.

IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND: this song is simple and so, so so sweet. i love the childhood friends to lovers narrative, and i just. like it. so much. it’s so sweet. and then obviously the horns come back for this one, but don’t overwhelm. this song is a good palette cleanser after the bombast of me!

DAYLIGHT: i tweeted about this but this song reminds me of clean and long live (particularly long live, it for some reason really sounds like that in my head). but i like that it really relates a feeling that i feel sometimes of like, my life was a mess and sometimes still is a mess but bc i’m in a stable and good relationship, things feel approachable, like, if everything goes wrong again, i’ll at least know for sure i have this, and i think this song sort of shows that off with the “I don’t want to think about anything else.” it’s nice. it’s calm. i read an oral history today about the kanye storming the stage moment at the vma’s because it’s been 10 years since it happened - and i feel like this album and this song, in many ways, are a plateau on the meteoric catapult of taylor’s relationship with fame that really had started to run before that moment but certainly started rolling after that. i think this song is a demonstration of the growth that she’s gone through over the last ten years that we’ve all watched with such close attention. it makes me feel happy for her. i hope she gets to keep this the way it is. i’ve read that she thought for the longest time that this album would be called daylight and i’m honestly? not sure it shouldn’t be. but the vocal note at the end sort of draws it back thru.

it’s a good album. i think the back half of it doesn’t hang as tough all the way thru as the first half, but overall, i think it’s overall quality is better than reputation even though i think reputation, as a concept album, works very well. it’s a great evolution and a real, authentic thing. very impressive that she’s managed to produce four very different albums successively where as many artists don’t change that much from album to album. but i think that’s evidence of the work that’s gone into them, to be honest. death by a thousand cuts is my early fave.

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sowhatisthisfor · 4 years

Text

My Top 50 movies of 2019

Of the 145 movies I watched this year, here are my top 50 picks:

50. Pihu [Kapri Vinod, 2018, India]

Heartbreaking torture. Although I feel like it could have ended better. 6.5/10

49. Green Book [Peter Farrelly, 2018, United States]

Flawed yet entertaining – not sure if it’s good or bad though. 6.5/10

48. 4 Latas [Gerardo Olivares, 2019, Spain]

For all its nonsense, I enjoyed it. 7/10

47. First They Killed my Father [Angelina Jolie, 2017, United States, Cambodia]

sincerely and sensitively paints a portrait of a country’s tragic history. 7/10

46. Dear Ex [Chih-Yen Hsu, 2018, Taiwan]

Features odd but genuine kind of love. It is funny, heartfelt, and charming all at the same time. 7/10

45. UnTrue [Sigrid Andrea Bernardo, 2019, Philippines]

to put it simply, UnTrue is a thrilling rollercoaster ride. 7/10

44. The Awakening of Motti Wolkenbrunch [Michael Steiner, 2019, Switzerland, Germany]

A funny glimpse at a life of an Orthodox Jewish man with a chemistry that gives you a hopeful ending. 7.5/10

43. Furie [Le Van Kiet, 2019, Vietnam]

With great performance and thrilling choreography, Furie is one of the best action films of 2019. 7.5/10

42. Kaptn Oskar [Tom Lass, 2013, Germany]

Only basic virtue - it is a beautiful film. Not only for its comfort. But for the old poetry of dust emotions. 7.5/10

41. Giant Little Ones [Keith Berhman, 2019, United States]

An honest road to knowing your own self in the eyes of a boy transitioning to adolescence. 7.5/10

40. Contratiempo (The Invisible Guest) [Oriol Paulo, 2017, Spain]

offers an outstanding and enjoyable thrilling ride. 7.5/10

39. My Days of Mercy [Tali Shalom Ezer, 2019, United States]

There is a bewitching chemistry between the two leads despite the coldness of it all. 7.5/10

38. A Land Imagined [Chris Yeo, 2018, Singapore, France, Netherlands]

An unsettling noir mystery that questions people's notion of truth.

37. The Two Popes [Fernando Mereilles, 2019, UK, US, Italy, Argentina]

Features two outstanding performances that redeemed it from all its dragging moments. 7.5/10

36. Sovdargari (The Trader) [Tamta Gabrichidze, 2018, Georgia]

Emotionally intense depiction of rural poverty. 7.5/10

35. If Beale Street Could Talk [Barry Jenkins, 2019, United States]

The kind that even though you are hopeful, you know from the start that it's going to be tough. 8/10

34. Ek Ladki Ko Dekha To Aisa Laga [Shelly Dhar, 2019, India]

Not a first in world cinema, but is still a groundbreaking moviemaking in the context of India. 8/10

33. Brother of the Year [Witthaya Thongyooyong, 2018, Thailand]

For all its simplicity and bleak storyline, it still offers an abundance of emotion and a sense of realism. 8/10

32. Kuwaresma [Erik Matti, 2019, Philippines]

Is a multilayer of social commentaries which were good before they too contradict themselves. 8.5/10

31. Berlin Calling [Hannes Stohr, 2008, Germany]

a movie that lives in the present paced in such rhythmic beat, it is dazzling from start to end. 8.5/10

30. Margarita with a Straw [Nilesh Maniyar, Shonali Bose, India, 2016]

An unusual take on sexual exploration and self discovery. It somehow lost its focus towards the end but still a delightful watch overall. 8.5/10

29. Fuccbois [Eduardo Roy Jr, 2019, Philippines]

Amazing storytelling and editing of a narrative so strange yet so eclectic. 8.5/10

28. First Reformed [Paul Schrader, 2019, United States]

an astounding character study that questions the politics of religion. 9/10

27. La Luciernaga (The Firefly) [Ana Maria Hermida, 2015, Colombia]

is about finding love in grief, beauty in ugly. And though there are some directorial decisions I don’t necessarily agree with, the chemistry its leads bring onscreen is too tangible for me to pay attention about its flaws. 9/10

26. Eerie [Mikhail Red, 2018, Philippines]

More than its excellent scare tactics, what I love about it most is its clever storytelling and use of metaphors. 9/10

25. Widows [Steve McQueen, 2018, United States]

How can something so traditionally formal feel so modern at the same time? Steve McQueen knows. 9/10

24. Paglisan [Carl Papa, 2018, Philippines]

A heartbreaking test of sympathy. Stop-motion at its most affecting with a storytelling that reminds me of Farhadi. 9/10

23. Paris is Burning [Jennie Livingston, 1991, United States]

is a little documentary that stays. 9/10

22. Mamu and a Mother Too [Rod Singh, 2018, Philippines]

Why it scared me, I don’t know. It could be because it’s unpredictable, it’s non-cliche, and it’s gentle in ways you don’t expect. I love it. 9/10

21. PK [Rajkumar Hirani, 2014, India]

a courageous film that wittingly pokes fun of religious beliefs. 9/10

20. The White Helmets [Orlando Von Eisiedel, 2016, United Kingdom, Syria]

A heartrending glimpse at the life of true heroes in violence-stricken Syria. 9/10

19. Us [Jordan Peele, 2019, United States]

It is as if every element in this film is smartly placed there to serve a deeper purpose, it's a movie in search of greater meaning. 9.5/10

18. Incendies [Dennis Villanueve, 2011, Canada]

With such expert direction, it's elementally strong in more aspect than one. 9.5/10

17. The Wife [Bjorn Runge, 2018, Belgium]

Glenn Close is mesmerizing. There is no need to say more. 10/10

16. Avengers: Endgame [Russo brothers, 2019, United States]

Raises the bar so high, is probably the most entertaining superhero movie to date. 10/10

15. Ulan [Irene Villamor, 2019, Philippines]

Is a fuck you to societal norms, so profound, it is a love story that involves only one. 10/10

14. Marriage Story [Noah Baumbach, 2019, United States]

My favourite performance of the year belong to these two leads whose portrayal of lovers going through divorce is rock solid heartbreaking. 10/10

13. I Lost My Body [Jeremy Clapin, 2019, France]

gives an absolute strange reason to cry, it's extraordinarily cathartic. 10/10

12. Edward [Thop Nazareno, 2019, Philippines]

I am so amazed at how this film shows struggles after struggles after struggles without spoonfeeding emotions. It’s a movie so simple yet so despairing. Everything of it is in the right place, it’s sublime. 10/10

11. The Favourite [Yorgos Lanthimos, 2019, Greece, Ireland, United Kingdom, United States]

a dark period comedy oddly fused with sophisticated costume and production design for a strange yet striking visual treat. 10/10

10. Metamorphosis [JE Tiglao, 2019, Philippines]

Not your ordinary coming-of-age movie. This one comes with such importance and inclusivity, everyone needs to see. 10/10

9. Atlantique [Mati Diop, 2019, France]

Such a bewitching tale of love, lost, and longing. A film told with such raw elegance, it’s enchanting. 10/10

8. The Third Wife [Ash Mayfair, 2019, Vietnam]

possibly has one of the best visual stories this year with a contrast of hauntingly sensual tension and dreamlike composition, it’s strangely beautiful. 10/10

7. John Denver Trending [Arden Rod Condez, 2019, Philippines]

Aside from its central theme of mental health awareness, it also has an excellent juxtaposition of the culture of bullying and cyberbullying and its correlation with how the nature of superstitions and religions shapes a country’s humanity. 10/10

6. Capernaum [Nadine Labaki, 2018, Lebanon]

it’s not just about a boy in an unjust world, it is more about an implausibly unjust world where everyone is a victim and no one is an actual villain. 10/10

5. Shéhérazade [Jean-Bernard Marlin, 2018, France]

a gritty narrative of an unusual young love with such depressing yet charming emotional pull. 10/10

4. Kanarie [Christiaan Olwagen, 2018, South Africa]

Has one of the most poignant and critically-observed approach to self-awareness and acceptance. 10/10

3. Las Herederas (The Heiresses) [Marcelo Martinessi, 2019, Paraguay]

compellingly melancholic in its silence and uncertainty. It's a blossoming, a self-discovery, a thorny journey towards maturity. 10/10

2. Parasite [Bong Joon-ho, 2019, South Korea]

You can watch it in many different ways, perspective, and angle, and everything is just as clever. 10/10

1. Portrait of a Lady on Fire [Celine Sciamma, 2019, France]

a film of magnificent visuals, intoxicating sound design, and a screenplay of jawdropping surprises -- definitely on top of my 2019 movie list. 10/10

Here’s the trailer:

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