#for them and celebrate them but i just. cant

[jareaul0ver]

Save a Horse, Ride a Cowgirl

Summary: A night out with the girls leads to an even better night at home with your girlfriend.

wc: 1.3k warnings: SMUTTY, touchy!nika, dom!nika, reader riding nika's abs, breast touching, slight fingering (?? i wouldnt even call it that, but i cant think of a better word), nika speaking in croatian because its hot as fuck pairings: nika muhl x fem!reader

UConn had just beaten Southern California, and they wanted to celebrate. They were moving onto the final four and they couldn't be more ecstatic. They wanted -- needed -- to celebrate.

Paige had told everyone about a bar that isn't too far from campus, and the team decided to go. You weren't on the team but as Nika's girlfriend you obviously were invited. All the girls loved you, and you loved them.

You sat on the couch of your dorm, waiting for Nika to finish getting ready. The theme of the bar that night was wild west. You were surprised when Nika said she had the perfect outfit, you never expected her to own anything country.

She finally left the bathroom and looked at you with a smile. "You ready?"

You looked up at her and raised your eyebrows. She looked good. She had a white cropped button up on, a pair of light wash jeans, a pair of cowboy boots, and a tan cowboy hat. A sliver of her stomach was showing, revealing her toned abs and belly button piercing.

You stood up and walked over to her, placing your hands on her waist. "God, you look.." You just laughed and shook your head. She blushed a little and took your face in her hands.

"You don't look that bad yourself." You were wearing an orange cropped tank top, a very short pair of jean shorts, and a pair of sneakers. You didn't own anything country.

She pulled your face close to hers and pressed a soft kiss on your lips. She pulled back and let go of you. "We don't want to be late."

A low groan was heard from behind her as she turned around to leave. She looked back and shot you a small glare. "Sorry." You mumbled before the two of you left.

The entire night, you couldn't keep your hands off each other. If Nika needed another drink, you went with her. If someone called you over to talk to you, she went with you. The sexual tension was thick, you were practically walking through a cloud of smoke when you were next to each other.

A guy dressed in full cowboy attire went onto the small stage and spoke into the microphone. "Alright, y'all, we're bringin' out the bull!" The entire bar cheered as another guy rolled out a mechanical bull.

Paige came in between you and Nika and put her arms around your guys' shoulders. "If one of you can stay on it for 45 seconds, I'll give ya twenty bucks."

Nika immediately shook her head no, but you shot Paige a daring glance. "Bet." You said, the alcohol you ingested had given you the confidence.

You waited in line for your turn on the bull. Once you finally got up there, you straddled the machine. It started slow at first, but quickly picked up speed.

At one point you glanced over at Nika, and the look she was giving you sent chills down your spine. You knew you were in for it later.

To everyone's surprise except nika's you lasted more than a minute on the thing. Once you finally fell off, Paige came over to you with a 20 dollar bill in her hand, reluctantly placing it in yours. You pocketed it and gave her a smirk.

You went to turn around, but felt a pair of hands on your waist. Nika leaned into your ear and whispered. "You're gonna pretend to be sick and dizzy after that, and we're going back to the dorm." The tone in her voice was easy to determine, and your body shuddered.

"Okay," you said breathlessly. You did as she said, both of you playing off your departure as your sickness.

The two of you walked into your dorm, and you shut the door behind you. Nika wasted no time in pressing her front against your ass, pinning your front against the door. You gasped and your eyes fluttered shut when you felt her placing hot kisses on your neck.

Her hands came around to your front, one slinking up the bottom of your shirt to massage one of your tits, the other moving to unbutton and unzip your shorts. "Nika." You breathed hastily.

"Hm?" She hummed against your neck, her breath making goosebumps rise.

"Where's-" She slipped her hand down past your underwear and ran a finger through your already soaked cunt. You groaned, leaning your forehead against the door. "Where's this coming from?" You made out between breaths.

"You looked so good riding that bull, baby. I can't help myself." She husked. She gathered up some of your slick and rubbed small circles against your sensitive clit.

A low whine escaped your lips at her touch. She pulled her hands away from you, but before you could protest, she was already carrying you over to your bed. She set you down and laid down on her back next to you.

She pulled you onto your lap and hooked her fingers in two of the belt loops on your shorts. "Off." She tapped your hip and you quickly obliged, slipping the shorts off and tossing them onto the floor.

She brought her hands up and lifted your top over your head, discarding it somewhere. This left you in only a pair of white, lacy panties.

Your chest heaved as you stared at her, watching her deep brown eyes flickering from every part of your body. She bit her lip and put her hands on your hips, pulling you up to rest on her stomach.

"So wet for me, I can feel it through your panties." She was right. You were soaked. It was almost funny how quickly she could turn you on. There wasn't much time to process her words, however, as she used the grip on your hips to start grinding you back and forth.

She took the hat off her head and placed it on top of yours, in true "save a horse, ride a cowboy" fashion.

"Fuck-" You groaned. You felt her toned abs underneath you. You started moving your hips on your own accord, creating a rhythm that felt perfect against your core.

You ground yourself against her, the same way you had to while riding the bull. "Been thinking about this since the second you got on that machine." She said lowly, keeping one hand on your waist, and bringing another up to knead the skin of your breast.

You threw your head back, and the hat slipped off. "Yeah?" You somehow managed through your pants. You rolled your hips further, and hit a spot just right. Her belly button ring had brushed against your clit. Her name spilled out of your lips in an ungodly sense.

Nika caught onto what you were doing, and dropped her hand back down to your waist, speeding up your motions. Your juices soaked your panties and covered her stomach. She didn't care how messy you were, she was loving this.

"That feel good?" She licked her lips as she watched you. You nodded your head frantically, but couldn't manage any words. "Speak, baby."

"Fuck.. yes, Nika-" she thrusted her body upwards, making your back arch. "Shit- I'm close, baby." You whimpered.

She helped you speed up your pace. She felt your movements become more sporadic as you neared your orgasm. Sweat coated your body and you felt the knot tighten in your stomach. Nika could tell you were about to cum. "Cum for me, ljubavi."

Her speaking in her native tongue was enough for you to finally break. A string of curses, followed by her name left your mouth. Nika slowed the movement of your hips, letting you ride out your high, but trying not to overstimulate you.

You climbed off her lap and laid down next to her. She quickly got undressed, went to the bathroom and cleaned herself off, and laid back down, turning on her side to face you. You were laying on your back, your chest heaving. She gently cleaned you, trying to be careful around your sensitive area.

"Holy shit." You breathed out.

"Holy shit." She chuckled, wrapping her arm over your stomach and pulling you into her. You turned onto your side, tucking your head against her neck.

#nika muhl #nika muhl x reader #nika muhl smut #nika muhl x reader smut #uconn #uconn wbb #wnba #i love this woman with everything in me someone save me #wlw #lgbtq

[channelnintendo]

im quite sad its become a trend in the fire emblem fanbase to hate three houses for being too popular. ive been into this series since i was a kid and i think its awesome wonderful and amazing that a game in the series was able to take off to such success and new heights and im so happy for the series

(also yknow. all the sales means we're going to get like. way more fire emblem games. whats the issue)

like i dunno whenever i try to bring up three houses in a fire emblem space im usually just met with responses of "oh that game is So overrated" "uugh its so slow the monastery is just padding until you get to a battle" "engage is so underrated and miles better than it" "the storys not even that good, people are just convincing themselves it is" blah blah blah

i know they wanna sound different but they just sound rude and kind of boring honestly

i get peoples main reason for hating 3h: its popular, super popular, different, and a lot of people only play it and no other fe games

but like..... i want to put that into perspective:

the nintendo switch is one of the best selling video game consoles of all time. there are literally millions upon millions of people who only have a nintendo switch and no other console, letalone a 3ds or a gameboy advance. many people who only play three houses literally just have a switch

the only other fire emblem game on switch is engage (which i love!!), an anniversary game celebrating the series thats intentionally parallel to three houses by being lighthearted and silly. while it is amazing, most people love three houses for its character and stories, they dont Want something like engage cause its the total opposite of three houses.

actually, i believe in an interview nintendo confirmed 3h and engage were developed at the same time and intended to be parallels

and now a lot of arguments i hear

"just get a 3ds" thats a Lot Of Money. i mean i love awakening with all my heart its such a fantastic amazing game. but that is like. a big investment. thats a reallyyy big investment

"just emulate it" not everyone has a computer, and outside of tumblr (and twitter, the most popular place for piracy) many feel uncomfortable pirating something. and if they dont have a computer, not many people wanna risk downloading potentially suspicious stuff on their phone

"just mod your 3ds" combines the above issues. you need a computer for that. and a proper sd card. and, you know, a 3ds. its actually really expensive to mod your 3ds memes aside. a lot of people love three houses as a fun fantasy story they can get into, they dont wanna make all these leaps and jumps to try the other games

"just watch a playthrough" is a LOT better argument!! and i agree and i do that! ive been watching a path of radiance longplay lately its awesome! but this brings me to my next point

acting like someone isnt a "true fan" of the series because they havent played every game... is such an insult to the series, and its games

in fact, if you think like that, you honestly just view these games as content rather than games honestly??? i mean. is one game just not enough?? people cant just enjoy one video game???

fire emblem games are long and have a Lot of stuff in them. im personally very slow at playing games so i can take a month or so to beat a game, and a lot of others do too! life has a lot of stuff to do, games to many are more of a distraction or fun hobby

and that takes me back to my point. expecting someone to literally just grind and clear through a whole checklist of Really Long SRPGS is like. dumb! honestly!

like. you have somehow taken the fun act of "playing a video game" and turned it into literal work. why would you do that.

like most of the people that made three houses so well selling are just... grown ups who have a nintendo switch and wanted a fun fantasy story driven rpg. why do they have to bend over backwards and spend all their money to play like 10 other video games to appease some angry person on the internet trying to convince themself that 3h is bad

idk, i think its dumb and im disappointed in the fire emblem fanbase that hating three houses has become a trend. i think we should appreciate that our series is able to soar to such heights and that we are bound to get a lot more fire emblem in the future. i love the series and want whats best for it so this makes me so happy

oh and also, yknow, three houses is literally fantastic. like one of the best games on switch and one of my all time favorite games. i mean i like awakening more but i dont really care if someone hasnt played awakening. live your life have fun its not that deep yknow??

also. come on. we have like, the concerningly angry fanbase of a certain nintendo fighting game that is mad nintendo put nintendo characters in the game (but fine with a disney character and like 20 square enix characters) breathing down our neck constantly. we already got enough drama why do we have to fight amidst ourselves????????

#fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #fe3h

[professorcalculusstanaccount]

You’re my favorite blog with an amazing costume and stellar art, so I hope to bestow upon you the small pleasure of asking you:

Trick or treat?

Thank you very much! I'm incredibly honoured to be your favourite blog! I know this is late but please accept this treat, happy belated Halloween!

#asks #fanart #tintin #adventures of tintin #captain haddock #archibald haddock #comic #halloween #trick or treat #i have no time to check for mistakes in this i will just have to live with them #haddock knows what a child is #i cant really imagine tintin and haddock celebrating halloween normally because it just wasnt really a thing in europe until very recently? #like im 24 and it was introduced here a little before i was born #halloween as it exists today is pretty american #i know a lot of people who arent that old who didnt even think about it growing up lol #i love halloween tho #it's a holiday that's purely optional and you can celebrate however you want it with whoever you want #alcohol tw

[ocrukoji]

he wants kissieeeee

#just finished y0 so i drew ths to celebrate #it was 1am #yakuza #kazumaji #kiryu is so precious #kiryu kazuma #majima goro #rgg #my art #cant stop thinking about them #living for cutesy shit #art #artist #smallartist #digital art

[skitskatdacat63]

Nando being silly in S2E2 of his doc 🥺

#well...i wrote tags for this and queued it and yet it didnt post at all and was back in my drafts w no tags #tumblr never ceases to amaze me! #i wrote tags at like 4 am so i have no memory #and i dont realtl wanna write them again so I hope this vid speaks for itself #tho i will say: #i guess i find it cute how soft spoken and polite and silly he is in all these #i think its funny to see a 'celebrity' experience the same awkwardness of covid times #like when hes just awkwardly standing there and staring as his bag gets disinfected #and like seeing him w service workers and he tries to be somewhat serious and then cant help but be silly #THE SINGING PART IS THE BEST OKAY. #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #we do a little bit of f1 #fernando(show) #fernando s2e2

[limielle]

#astarion #astarion ancunin #astarion bg3 #astarion x tav #tavstarion ???????? #girl what is the ship name #tav bg3 #baldur's gate iii #oc: orion #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #myart #i think . i think the cazador palace area goes very differently for the both of them #i think orion's dialogue choices arent even close to what's in game hgjsdh #but i do wish u got to just . hold him the night after it happens #when he's numb and trying to process it all #i know it cant rlly be that way for the sake of pacing but i also wish it was mandatory to wait a few long rests w him acting #u know. out of it ! weirdge #before u get to the graveyard scene #btw celebrating my 1 year anniversary of drawing the way i find fun and comfortable !! #havent had a SINGLE breakdown over my arstyle since #be proud of me #oops uploaded the wrong one

[wonderinc-sonic]

Thank-you doodles for Donations

-Edit! Updating the pictures again for some different styles and characters! Also to feature some of my favourite stupid doodles-

It's my birthday at the end of the month (April) and I'm asking my family+friends to make donations to charities working in Palestine right now.

While I don't know any of you well enough that I'd expect a present, if you happen to be making a donation this month to any major charity helping get food, water and medical aid into Palestine right now - send me a screenshot of a receipt with a request (separate messages if you want for privacy) and I can offer you... a crummy doodle to say thanks for donating?

Details under cut 🤷

I'll do my earnest best to do whatever you asked for, excluding anything nsfw or anything ship-ish where any party is, like, a kid, but including any O.C.s providing you send me a link to a reference, description or a picrew.

I'm a beginner and I have a full time job, so I'm not making promises for the quality - you can see from the collage above what we're working with here! However, I have no pride and there is no prompt too silly for me to attempt.

No minimum and no scaling complexity for increased donation - I'm doing this to celebrate your generosity, it's not a commission!

Can be anonymous, or private-message respond, I really don't mind.

Any verifiable charity donation is fine - I encourage you to donate through the channels that maximise the effect of your money. For example, some places of work have donation-match schemes for selected charities, and depending on your country of origin you may be able to deduct tax on your donations to particular organisations, which might help you donate. We're all working with what we've got in a cost of living crisis - definitely worth seeing if you can make your donations go a bit further with government topups!

Everything feels really quite hopeless right now, I'm doing this selfishly because I want to see donations happening and to gas them up a bit.

Oh! And if you have a pet, my birthday is April 29th. I'd love to see them just being themselves. That's what I'm asking for on the day from everyone else.

#god i feel so stupid for this post eurgh #wonderincs #drawincs #sonic fanart #fanart #palestine #current events #stretching my brains for some way i can help. thought of this while making the collages this morning but idk if its helpful #and just because its for being seen i will tag everyone in these silly doodles: #silver the hedgehog #blaze the cat #knuckles the echidna #lanolin the sheep #cream the rabbit #if you think this is really dumb i beg you just ignore it i dont know #trying to think of literally anything i can do at this point #because im already donating and reading and crying but i cant sustain this i want to celebrate something #celebrate the little things #i saw a free gaza written on the historic walls of the city and that was neat. its right where people look. good for them #pinned post #temporary pin #maria robotnik #ark siblings

[martyrbat]

batman confidential #1

[ID: Alfred Pennyworth walking down the stairs into the Batcave—where Bruce Wayne sits in the dark and in his costume with the cowl pulled down. Alfred announces, “Coffee, eggs benedict and The Daily Planet, Master Bruce. I took the liberty of presuming you would be taking breakfast in the cave this morning.” Alfred sets the tray down on a nearby table as Bruce silently holds a gun up without looking at him, his finger still on the trigger. Alfred gasps, “Master Bruce? That gun, is it...?” He trails off but Bruce speaks up. “The one he used. That night. On them. I took it from the G.C.P.D. evidence depository last year... there was nothing more they could learn from it.” Bruce unloads it, letting a bullet clank to the desk before he picks it up and stares somberly at it. Alfred stiffens up as he asks, “I see. And what precisely did you hope to achieve by stealing your parents' murder weapon, if may be so bold as to inquire...? Beyond an increased capacity for morbid introspection, that is.”

Bruce elaborates, “He fired two rounds. 117-grain hollowpoints... twenty-five cents apiece from any gun store. Is that all their lives were worth, Alfred? Fifty cents of ammunition...? He left four rounds in the clip, one in the breech, dropped it and ran—afraid to finish what he started. And I just stood there. Helpless.” Alfred tells him, “The good your parents did lives on, Master Bruce. And I, for one, am glad he left those final rounds in the gun. I happen to believe the world is better served for having you in it.” Bruce still doesn't look at Alfred or acknowledge the kind statement. He'll go on to explain that a young mother was murdered while he was on patrol and that he blames himself for not preventing it. END ID]

#SORRY JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS AGAIN AND BRUCE BEING SO AGGRESSIVELY BUT PASSIVELY SUICIDAL... #sitting alone in the dark thinking about the deaths he couldn't prevent. thinking about a child who will never know their mother because he #couldn't save her in time (but he did save the baby but thats not enough; itll never be enough. #he doesn't celebrate the victories on account of always mourning the failures) #holding a gun—THAT gun—and thinking his life is worth less than 25 cents of ammunition. that it still is. #blaming himself for his parents murders for so long that it carries to every stranger. he holds them all in his stupid bleeding heart. #alfred saying hes GLAD bruce wasnt murdered and all bruce can think is what use is he if he cant prevent others deaths? #why was he spared but his parents werent? they were helping the city but ‘how can i make a difference when all i do is mop up bloodstains?’ #AND!!!! JUST HIM HAVING THE GUN!!!! HE STOLE IT WHEN HE BEGAN BEING BATMAN AND ALFRED NOT KNOWING ABOUT IT!!!!???!!!! #HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE SAT IN THAT DARK CAVE JUST HOLDING IT AND FEELING THE WEIGHT OF IT THAT GETS HEAVIER AND HEAVIER WITH EACH FAILURE? #HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DEBATED USING IT ON HIMSELF? IF GOTHAM WOULD BE BETTER FOR IT? #JUST!!!!! BRUCE !!!!!!!!!! #happy sad boy sunday !!! #<- it's wednesday. #c: batman confidential | i: 1 #crypt's panels #bruce wayne #alfred pennyworth #alfred & bruce #bruce & guns

[lordartsy]

2/10 - Naga's birthday coincides with me watching the finale of this show. I miss him already 🐍

#super sentai #uchuu sentai kyuranger #naga ray #kyuranger balance #BN team #AAAAAAAAAAA AA AA A AAAAAAA AA AAAAAAAAAAAA A A A A AAAAAAAA #the show was pretty good #i put it on one beautiful afternoon and i watched 20 entire episodes in a single sitting absolutely unable to move #THEY MAKE ME SOOO SICK OH MY GOD I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM #I PUT DOWN MY STYLUS FOR ONE SECOND TO BURY MY HEAD IN MY HANDS #so if youre wondering hey this looks kinda messy then its because I CANT LOOK AT THEM FOR PROLONGED PERIODS OF TIME #they are a combo meal do not seperate #i have chat logs of messages just talking about bn. my sketchbook is infected with bn. agepoyo dance got stuck in my head #somewhere there is a video of me saying 'IM GOING TO [colorful threat]' over the scene in naga's brain. you know the one #happy stinger saturday to those that celebrate. peace love kaitou bn dan. good night. agepoyo uei

[orcelito]

Ok. Real question. How many people Actually have believed in Santa? Bc I never did, mostly bc my dad never bothered with the entire pretense, so the whole concept is just. Really fucking strange to me

Putting an actual poll bc I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit thinking about how apparently widespread it is. Like. It's just so... weird? Why is this the thing people have popularized? It makes no sense.

#speculation nation #polls #like ok my dad's an atheist raised by jewish parents so xmas has never really been a religious sort of holiday to me #we celebrate it bc it's fun to give gifts and spend time with family #but that's... it. #all the lore and mythos of xmas is just so weird to me #like baby jesus etc etc but now here comes saint nicholas with the steel chair! (breaking into your house to eat your cookies #and leave presents Only for the rich kids! why only the rich ones? uhmmm Dont worry about it!) #genuinely speaking my dad's worked at ups my whole life so growing up he'd say he (and the rest of his coworkers) were the real santas #said as a joke mostly bc theyre the ones Actually delivering the packages #but i took it to heart. told people at school that my dad was the Real santa. #no one believed me lol which i found quite frustrating. #but yeah i have never once in my entire life believed in Santa #and im content with that. it seems like such a stupid thing i will be honest. #'what about the magic of christmas' what about the poor kids who dont get gifts & feel abandoned by this all-powerful man? #in fact why do we Want kids to not think it's their parents giving gifts? they cant thank the right people if we trick them. #it's a convoluted setup that makes absolutely 0 sense to me #trust me christmas had more than enough 'magic' for me as a kid just bc of all the cool lights and all the free gifts #dont need some mythological man who can travel the globe in one night and is a professional in B&E #makes no sense for Real. #there was a time with my ex step siblings where me n my sister were told not to spoil the fun for them #so i had to pretend like santa existed as they opened presents marked from him #and even back then i was just thinking 'this is So Dumb' #this is an anti santa zone i guess. me and myself hate the popularized version of this strange strange belief system.

[robotpussy]

Christmas needs to be cancelled I've hated Christmas for a few years now but I don't want to celebrate it this year at all

#its going to be a normal fucking day for me. ppl are coming over and i cant stop them because im the only person #with a working fridge or stove rn and my sister needs to get away from the chaos in her own home so i wont #stop ppl from escaping that for a few days but i swear im not doing shit this year. #ill probably just eat but im not celebrating shit.... how can i when the birthplace of jesus is getting decimated? #when 700 palestinian christians have been displaced? to celebrate the birth of jesus when his birthplace is being destroyed

[kerorowhump]

there is something to be said about the narrative of keronians having to hide their presence on earth like besides the obvious plot reasons, because I like to imagine some of them (*cough cough* keroro) don't like it all that much and kinda wish they could just be out in the open without antibarrier

obviously they get seen a lot already but it is a bit sad I think that he can't just like, take off and go to the store, or even the hobby shop, like he needs fuyuki or natsumi to be there to buy it for him

you think he uses the internet a lot because it's his one way to communicate with other pekoponians without it being instantly obvious he's an alien? like he still talks about his interest but... it's with other humans (it was a housewife in that one gag I remember...)

and thinking about that comic where he got lost in town it's like, yeah he gets out of the house so little that he still doesn't know any of the streets and the whole town is new to him, isn't that kinda sad?

and with earth traditions too, like hinamatsuri or christmas or april fools (or setsubun), it seems he makes an effort to understand them and include himself in them (as in, participate and observe them), but he gets it wrong every time. and isn't that also... a bit alienating...

#keroro #musing #idk im just thinking i guess #he loves being on earth but he doesnt exactly fit in like it's obvious earth isnt made For him #even when he runs away and the house is too large for him it's like. yea this isn't your place huh #you have to overcome quite a lot to reach that light switch! ykwim. like he has adapted sure but #a thing i love about alien stories is that still theres that sense of being a fish out of water. not getting the ropes of it. i hold it dea #for keroro it's worse bc it's not just that he doesnt understand the customs hes literally the wrong size and on top of that #cant be seen (has to assume anything he comes across is a danger #therefore is terrified of his surroundings!!) and came to earth with the intention to invade so he has to other himself bc #thats his Enemies technically and so. ya. he cant... Be with them. but he wants to. like the christmas plot. the first in the anime #cant let himself Want to celebrate Christmas.... but he wants to #so ya #what is this post about... alienation? badum tss...

[risingsunresistance]

imagine this has literally anything to do with the resistance anniversary

#likely? no #but im still holding out hope. dante is still alive you gotta believe me- #i want shiny pig Now please put them back in im patiently waiting #i cant remember if the pigs actually come back for april or if they'll be back for the actual 5yr celebration #if they arent back by the 16th then im buying my fishing rod #tbh i might do that anyways i have 360m now #i wont need THAT much for the resistance #i still have 5 art of wars and i highly doubt any potential new accessory would be too expensive #the ring last time was just 2m #if they add another stage to it surely it'll just be like. 10m MAX #but im not gonna buy it rn i go to work in 2 hours :V no need to get hopelessly distratced before then kjhgf #chat #sb

[frecklystars]

i know nobody is online rn to read this but ;-; i gotta get it off my chest i love ken so much he means everything to me he's making me so happy and i've needed him so so so bad. he's brought me comfort when my ptsd has been so fucking unbearable and every time i'm having a crying fit over losing my tf f/os or every time i'm having a flashback i ALWAYS immediately IMMEDIATELY think about him rushing to my side, holding me and saying "hey hey it's okay, i'm here, i'm right here" and it's such a relief because i haven't been able to genuinely wholeheartedly believe any character would be willing to do that for me the entire time i've been struggling this year.

i've never gone so long without comfort from f/os, much less being triggered by the ones who used to comfort me the most. so to have barbie and ken right now is like the biggest wave of relief every single day when i wake up and the hyperfixation is still there. sometimes i will literally close my eyes and sigh in relief when i hear a song and my first thought is sebastian or ken or six or... whomever. i love being in love again. i NEED this. i love waking up and my first thought isn't my trauma most of the time now, it's ken. or it's six. or it's barbie. or it's harley. or it's officer k. or it's... yeah you get it. i needed these characters so fucking badly. every time i see a gifset and get excited over it, i feel a rush of gratitude bc self shipping has always been the glue holding me together. it doesn't feel as intense or strong as the SB musical or TF used to make me feel but i am not picky. not at all. i will take anything and i'm praying this lasts for at LEAST another few weeks please

i may not be at a sense of peace right now and i dont know when i ever will be, it could be years, but im so. so. so. so so so thankful to have these characters right now when i've needed someone so badly for so long. i hope ken knows how much i love him ;-; i hope barbie knows how much she has helped me, has saved me from one of my major triggers and has helped me to love and feel safe around the color pink again. i wish they could see me when i'm not so broken but i'm glad they're here even when i'm at my worst, i'm glad they still love me even when they deserve to see me in a much better light

#it feels so fucking terrible not celebrating my bday with my starlight. i used to buy myself cakes and put his figurine next to them #i mean i still have... a little bit over one week... i cant... let it pass by without him being involved somehow #so i might make a quick vent doodle and queue it for the actual day of my bday #i refuse to not draw myself with him at least once for my special day #its not like we 'broke up' or anything but fuck it feels so bad #he's a literal fucking ptsd trigger. how fucking insane is that #im still in shock. im still in shock over what happened to me like i cant fucking believe it #wearing his necklace makes me cry so i just leave it on my dresser #that shouldnt be normal!!!! #but im hoping that shipping with barbie/ken is going to help me feel like i can reclaim control over my ships #bc my abuser made me feel like... i had no control over my TF ships whatsoever for a solid year #so now that i'm finally free of that toxicity i'm still shakily trying to learn how to ship again #i'll have moments where i'll worry ken will try to hurt me on purpose bc im so used to my abuser telling me how abusive any f/o would be #but then i tell myself 'hey what the fuck. this is MY story. NOBODY would abuse me i dont care WHO they are' #but it's so hard to unlearn several months of abuse 😔 #and even harder to look at a character who i invested so much time and energy and money into #my voice clips. my cameos. all of my steve blum autographs. my art for steve. all of it feels sad and numbing #not just stsc but everyone in any TF universe feels like... a threat and i get panic attacks when i see very specific characters sometimes #its awful. it hurts so bad. i love ken so much. but nothing compares to what i had with my TF comfort characters #but it's okay bc... ken is holding my hand and he might not understand ptsd at all but he can still squeeze me tight #and six HAS c-ptsd he GETS it. and he's there to hold me when my nightmares make me fall apart. he's my rock #vent #ptsd #sorry it's 5am i had a bad nightmare and now i refuse to sleep again #i fucking hate ptsd i fucking hate living like this i rly wish i knew how to cure myself #im exercising im eating and drinking often im sleeping as much as i can #theres only so much i can do #when does it get better?? when the fuck does it get better? im serious. not rhetorical. when does this finally heal #i dont even know if im healing or if im just distracted... but fuck ill take anything

[soldier-poet-king]

I said I forgive them and I DO, but I'm still hurt and angry, even if I'm not surprised by my family's reactions

Like. It's such a small thing to be upset about. And if this is such an issue, it's just further evidence that I'll never really be loved and accepted by them for what I am

#franposting #yeah i am upset. i tried not to be but i AM hurt #im also.. very tired #im curled up with the grief of stones #thara is the ultimate comfort i suppose. the kindred spirit of it all #but yeah im just :/// #it silly and stupid of me to be upset about bc i know my family is Not Ideal in soooo many ways #and that i cant trust them with the secret vulnerable honest parts of myself #i knew that. and it still stings #how can i be so honest about myself on this silly webbed site with strangers turned friends #and yet. #ugh. i feel a little sick with grief #this is supposed to be a celebration #of art. of my heart. of my autonomy and recovery. and yet it is turning back into obsessions and family hurt #im going to sleep. i think

[sturnmad]

Chris getting a little too relatable w his fear of commitment now

#i have a lot of complicated feelings abt dating. like on one hand even the thought of being in a relationship icks me out #but on the other. i want to be loved lol #& its not like im incapable of romantic feelings. but ive never liked anyone enough to seriously consider dating them. #im not a very likable person & i don't like most ppl. i tend to get bored of new friends within a year & i dont want to do that to someone. #it takes a long time for me to form a bond w someone & to this day the only ppl i truly care for r my besties i met in 4th grade #i cant imagine myself in a relationship. i cant imagine liking anyone as much as i like them. #& i especially cant imagine trusting anyone so completely #so. looks like ill be single for a while if not forever #madspeaks #i think that's why i get so many celebrity crushes. they just look hot & dont expect anything from me lol