Rich pregnant socialite: So we went to this clinic and let them manipulate our genes so we're 100% sure our child won't have any disease, he will have my hair and his father eyes and so much things we did for him! And you Bruce ?
Brucie: Found em in the trash. Except Tim, he found me in the trash.
damian, forcefully raided a petco to liberate the animals: hello father
jason, released said animals on unsuspecting tourists for fun: sup old man
bruce: …nope
officer: oh, then them?
steph duke and cass, covered in equal parts confetti, dirt, and blood, waving:
bruce: oh no, im not touching that one with a ten foot pole
officer: …so it has to be one of them?
alfred, got into an altercation with someone at home goods over the last crockpot: i have no regrets master bruce
tim, hacked the cia to put himself higher than jason on their wanted list and accidentally implicated himself in an unrelated crime: i’m more disappointed in myself, really
i love the idea of the batfam wearing each other's merch cause like. i know they'd be petty about it. usually they'd wear their siblings merch in (kinda) equal rotations, but they'd change it up depending on sibling squabbles or sibling favours.
Tim, walking into the kitchen in a Red Hood shirt:
Dick: TIM!?
Tim: what
Dick: it's Tuesday. you always wear Nightwing merch on Tuesdays.
Tim: oh.
Tim: you stole my last granola bar, last week.
Steph, looking for something in Jason's room: JASON WHY DO YOU HAVE EVERYONE'S MERCH BUT MINE?!
Jason, peeking into the room: i have your merch. in the trash.
Steph: WHY
Jason: you hit me with a blue shell in mario kart last game night. i'm never forgiving you.
Damian, sporting a full-on Red Robin hoodie:
Tim: woah. what brought this on? you usually only exclusively wear Batman or Nightwing merch
Damian: you helped me take that splinter out of Alfred's paw yesterday. Richard on the other hand has recently messed up my painting palette.
Dick, from the other room: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
Damian: he'll get over it.
Cass, wearing Nightwing merch for the 5th day in a row:
Jason: goddamn. what did Dickie do to get in your good graces like this?
Cass, smiling: he made me a flower crown
Jason: ... that's it?
Cass: it was a very nice flower crown.
Dick, buying seven Signal shirts: One for everyone.
Duke, behind him: Dick, you really don't--
Dick: shhhh, sunshine. everyone will love your new merch.
(they all wore exclusively Signal merch for a week straight)
Bruce isn't allowed to change up his rotation or not wear someone's merch because he immediately gets accused of playing favourites. He'd rather keep some of his sanity, thank you.
Steph: I think it’s more of a situationship? They still seem to have some feelings going on there.
Jason: Yeah right, and get accused of cheating on Selina? I think not. They’ve been dating for as long as I can remember.
Dick: That’s…strange, cause I’m pretty sure he and Clark are married. Big Blue gave him a ring and everything.
Damian: A Kryptonite ring. One that Father keeps in a lead lined safe with the rest of the alien’s bane. Besides, everyone knows Mother’s laid her claim to him already. Only a fool would interfere with such a union.
Cass: Talia and Bruce are about as divorced as two people can be.
Tim: No, you guys are all missing the point. If we want Bruce to have a partner, we need to pick the most profitable option for us. [ pulling up a PowerPoint ] Hear. Me. Out.
—-Later, At the Watchtower-—
Oliver: Bats, why are your kids inviting me over for dinner?