Alina Afanaskina diary(English)
maybe it`s not her diary, idk, but also...
Post from 2.08 11:49 Moscow time
02.08 If you're reading this, then I'm already dead (or I've been detained)
How you fucked me up, you fuckers. I'm writing this in tears, I hate school and everything related to it. I would fucking shoot you all
I'm not a terrorist, and I'm not even a school girl, I just want to kill a couple of nasty people who ruined my life and it wouldn't hurt to shoot myself.
13.08 Right now I'm looking at Dad`s weapon and I want to shoot myself…
14.08 The holidays would rather be over (for the first time I want this), I think I will surprise them on the first of September <3
20.08 Dasha, along with her dumb friends, grins at me, fucking came into MY room and also with her friends and dares to laughing over me ☠️ ☠️ ☠️ ☠️ ☠️ The only thing that comforts me is the fact that I'm going to shoot her.
31.08 Tomorrow I will kill those who have been killing my psyche throughout my life, but I feel so calm every day is the same as it always will be.. idk what will happen
01.09 I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN THE KEY, I HAVE ALREADY OPENED THE SAFE, BUT THERE IS NO GUN, IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS IN THE GARAGE
Fuck it, they were just lucky.
Now I've come home from school and I'm happy, but I could have killed them all…
04.09 This shit begins, today I went to the blackboard to take books and the stupid whore Nastya gave me the ugliest and torn books (on purpose), she is laughing and the whole class is there too, MMMMM HOW FUNNY
07.09 I'm sitting in Columbine chats and threw a splint on a bomb, can I use it too? There's a shorter guy saying "today with the permission of Allah" ahhahaha
I FOUND A CHANNEL THERE 700 RECIPES FOR DIFFERENT EXPLOSIVES AHAH CAN BLOW THEM UP?!?! hmm, maybe it's not for nothing that my father left a weapon in the garage, after all, natural selection, fate
11.09 Congratulations to Ilnaz, Dylan on his birthday, I wish you health and happiness
30.09 Oh, I forgot about this diary, I haven't been writing anything for a long time. Well, I'll say that things have not changed in any way, the creatures torment my psyche as soon as possible, I'm hz, I'm afraid to do shooting and suicide. But I really want to
14.10 Nothing interesting, as always, day after day with bullying. Even at home, a fucked-up father and a fucked-up sister fuck brains
15.10 Oh, I found the mining manual of the school hmmm interesting
there was a link here
There's only one drawback, I don't know how to make bombs.
And what he tells me, I don't fucking understand, I couldn't learn chemistry properly, what do you think because of whom?)))
16.10 Fuck, I don't even know how to shoot normally, I've never been taught that. But it seems to me that it's easy, like I'm watching videos on YouTube right now, I've already learned how to reload a gun.
11.11 I want to kill more and more, fucking so many months have passed and I still haven't killed them. God, I don't even have time to run this fucking note channel, I live in fear all the time. ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE HATES ME. But now they'll love me.
29.11 Bitch, I can't anymore, it's fucked up!!
01.12 I have lost any sense of waiting when I grow up. I can't stand their antics anymore. And I won't. I don't know when I'm going to kill them, damn it, I'd like to do it sooner
02.12 Anyway, next week I will definitely shoot them
06.12 I forgot to write, but I'll go tomorrow, the weapon is still at home. It's just not profitable for me to go to the garage. And then dad will take him away again, most likely somewhere. I'm just burned out already.
07.12 :(
Post from 7.12
This message is set on a timer for 12/07/23:50.
(I hope by that time they will know that there was a shooting)
Started writing this 02.12 | 20:59.
If you are reading this message, it means you somehow found out about my channel.
(I hope the channel won’t be deleted by then.. Or I hope they won’t find this old phone, because I want to help someone with my life story)
Although who knows, perhaps no one will ever know about the existence of this channel.
And I will remain to rot in the grave and no one will even remember me and my story.
In short, yes, things suck! My father hits me sometimes. My sister, excuse me, is sucking him off or something, or how can I explain that it’s just me that everyone at home hates… Well, even at school they bully, although no, the fucking creatures, brainless classmates, are “just joking.”
Their “roffles” are not funny at all and not without insult, as the teacher said when my classmates scratched me “accidentally” with a pen cap until they bled <> I don’t remember what she said there.
I wish everyone who hates me to go through what I went through. I first started cutting myself at the age of 8, AT EIGHT YEARS OLD!! When all the children live a happy life, I cry and pray for death. I've changed, I don't cut myself so much anymore, rarely very much. Now I hate not myself, but everyone around me. You are pathetic creatures who don’t even notice the problem under your nose (me).
Therefore, I hope that I will kill everyone I wanted, namely: father, Dasha, Nastya, Kirill, Anton, Masha, Sasha, Vanya, Artyom and maybe Yegor. Well, it would be nice for myself too))) I don’t want to go to prison, and I don’t want to live at all.
I think that at the beginning of the night I’ll quietly kill Dasha and dad and steal the weapon… then I’ll go to hell (school), go into my class and shoot them at the beginning, and then I’ll go look for other creatures who also managed to ruin my life.
Although I’m not sure that I’ll be able to kill them, I’m afraid to pierce a human body with a sharp object, I’m not some kind of sick maniac, I’m out of despair, as it were…
I believe that this is how we need to fight bullying, because other methods imposed by teachers and society do not work at all.
“don’t pay attention to them”, “tell them you’re not happy”🤡🤡
If they systematically bully you, fucking kill them. They ruined your life, you must do it, because they will multiply and more people will suffer. And perhaps many more people will die. It is better to immediately kill these socially rotting creatures and commit suicide than to commit only suicide. DO YOU UNDERSTAND???
What can I recommend to people who read this when “fighting” bullying:
Well, you need to understand and be aware of what you are going to, in order to kill people you need to know about the consequences and about past killers. Therefore, go to YouTube, Wikipedia and watch videos about Columbine, school shooting, revenge, etc. watch how to shoot, how to reload. If there are no weapons and there won’t be any in the future for some reason, kill or blow up the offenders. You can also watch how to cut on YouTube, although this does not require any special skills. By the way, I came up with an idea, I’ll take my dad’s knife with me just in case, in case they take my weapon away, I’ll cut something then, but I don’t know, I’ll think about it again.. I repeat, this is scary for me. It's scary to feel your insides with a knife. It's actually much better to shoot.
To blow up the same thing, look on YouTube for lessons on how to make explosives, only you need to know chemistry, I don’t know huh, so I’ll do without a bomb (this is really difficult for me).
In general, my life was not the best, and if there had been an opportunity, I would have been born again (only in a normal family) and would have lived normally.
I realized that it was better not to say anything than to say some kind of bullshit and then for months to hear quotes of my words with the antics of my classmates.
By the way, I am a kind person, I love animals and nature, because they are not people. They can't hurt me. The only people I feel comfortable with are cats <3
I don’t deserve to die, I’m very sorry that I’m taking this step. But understand, it was necessary.
If you want to try to understand me, watch the movie "Class", I am very similar to the main characters.
Oh, I feel so good that I spoke out. I hope that someone will hear and understand me, but fortunately I will already be in a coffin, I don’t give a fuck.
Sorry.
(there may be grammatical mistakes here)
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A couple of years ago, I forgot who actually said it but I was listening to a khutbah or something on YouTube, and the speaker said that once you reach a certain level it's like you unlock a channel with Allah swt and you start hearing what He swt is trying to tell you, you start seeing the signs, you sort of become in a constant communication with Allah swt even in the simplest of ways, etc etc. And that always fascinated me, the thought alone, like imagine being able to communicate with Allah swt in very simple ways without needing much steps or idk.. anyways, fast forward today, right now, I got on Tumblr and wanted to write a post about my struggle with music now that I am spending the summer in Tunisia, and how the culture, especially in summer, with all the festivals and the weddings and the parties, revolves around music and you find yourself exposed to that constantly, and most often unwillingly.. and how it was so much easier for me to control my exposure to music back home. But then, I discarded the mental notification that told me to write the post and kept passively scrolling.. a few scrolls down I am met with one of my most favorite verses from my most favorite surah :
و ألقيت عليك محبة مني ( سورة طه )
So I automatically smiled and was about to reblog it as my initial reaction to it, but then I felt like it was a message from Allah swt reminding me of the time of my life I was so obsessed with surat Ta Ha, I would listen to it religiously, on repeat, I even managed to learn parts of it just from listening, and it reminding me of those times where I would use the time I am commuting to listen to my daily Qur'an playlist, and it did feel that Allah swt is answering the post I haven't even posted, He swt acknowledging and resolving that only existed in my thoughts, and it gets better! He swt chose my favorite surah as a reminder because He swt - the All-knowing - obviously knows my attachement to surat Ta Ha and knows it would invoke such a positive emotional reaction in me. Now tell me this isn't a proof of this verse from surat Ta Ha as well:
وَاِنۡ تَجۡهَرۡ بِالۡقَوۡلِ فَاِنَّهٗ يَعۡلَمُ السِّرَّ وَاَخۡفٰى
20:7) Whether you speak out aloud (or in a low voice), He knows what is said secretly, and even that which is most hidden.
And a reminder of this verse from surat Qaf
وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِ نَفْسُهُ ۖ وَنَحْنُ أَقْرَبُ إِلَيْهِ مِنْ حَبْلِ الْوَرِيدِ (16)
(50:16) Surely We19 have created man, and We know the promptings of his heart, and We are nearer to him than even his jugular vein.
The point is, indeed Allah swt is closer to us than we can ever imagine or perceive with our human abilities, all we have to do is listen.
Alhamdullillah for such a beautiful religion 🥹.
- A. Z. 🤍🍃
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