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charliemotha · 3 years

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behold! i didn't see any otgw icebergs, so i made my own :)

if you think i should add something, lmk!!

Explanations under cut :)

First layer:

▪︎Beast!Wirt au - very popular au in which Wirt stays in the Unknown, possessed by the Beast to some extent.

▪︎Bad End Friends - Crossover AU of Beast!Wirt teaming up with Ice Finn from Adventure Time and Bipper from Gravity Falls; sometimes other 'bad end' au characters are thrown in such as a glitched Gumball from TAWOG

▪︎Irl Copies of the For Sara tape - Limited copies of the For Sara tape were sold at two points. They have yet to sell for a third time. (🤞🤞🤞)

▪︎Tome of the Unknown (pilot) - The Pilot of the series. Can be watched on YouTube.

▪︎Wirt Staying in the Unknown - In a scrapped ending, Wirt was to stay in the Unknown, saying that facing your real problems was scarier than staying there.

▪︎Mystery Kids - Crossover AU with other child-late teens aged characters from sources based on mysterious and supernatural themes such as Gravity Falls and Psychonauts.

▪︎Quincy Endicott's grave - Quincy's grave can be seen in the graveyard that Sara and the others are hanging out in.

▪︎Original Beatrice Voice Actress - Beatrice had a different VA in the pilot, Natasha Leggero. Melanie Lynskey voices her in the actual series.

▪︎The Woodsman's Daughter is Named Anna - The comics have several issues focused on his daughter, in which her name is revealed to be Anna.

▪︎Jason Funderburker's Ax Murderer Story - At the gathering in the graveyard, Funderburker is telling a story about a man with an ax; this story is believed to have influenced the existence of the Woodsman.

▪︎Full Versions of Songs in the OST - A handful of the songs are cut down for their appearances in the series and can only be heard in full on the OST. The most notable example is Old Black Train , which is actually 2 minutes and 15 seconds long, but is only in the series for about 15-20 seconds.

Second Layer:

▪︎Sara is named after the Fleetwood Mac song - Listen to it here :) it is notable that it includes lyrics about "drowning in a sea of love" and that Sara is "the poet of [the singer's] heart."

▪︎OTGW Reanimated - a reanimated project for the first episode. Got taken off of YouTube, but can be viewed on Dailymotion.

▪︎Baby Wirt Audio - In the For Sara cassette, there is a small section of audio that can be heard in about the middle of the recording of Wirt's father talking to him as a baby.

▪︎Funderburker/Funderberker - The two Jasons's surnames are spelled slightly differently to avoid confusion.

▪︎The Brothers Never Ate or Needed to Rest - Although Greg expressed being hungry, neither of the boys actually ate anything (outside of one spoonful of bland potatoes and inedible items such as dirt and leaves) and never laid down to rest, only sleeping when night came.

▪︎Book on Interior Design in Wirt's Room - In Wirt's from, a book on interior design can be seen laying on the floor, backing up the knowledge he displayed when analyzing the interconnected mansions.

▪︎Mad Love was Based on a Dream - The plot of Mad Love came from a dream that Pat McHale had about house hunting. In the dream, while exploring one of the houses being shown, he ended up wandering into someone else's home.

▪︎Beatriceoftheday - A blog dedicated to our lord and savior Beatrice, known for its strange shitposts and intense praise of the titular bird girl.

▪︎Wirt is Jealous of Greg's Popularity - Shown in the Circus Friends issue of the comics, Wirt is jealous of Greg's ability to make everyone laugh and have fun. This may factor into his dislike of his brother.

▪︎Greg was Feeding Fred at the Tavern - At first watching, one may be confused as to where all the food Greg was gathering went, why Fred was wearing lipstick and why he was refusing to talk to Beatrice. Shown in a deleted scene, this all explained, as Fred tells Beatrice that he didn't talk to her because Greg was feeding him.

▪︎Elijah Wood Voiced the Crazy Driver - Exactly what is says on the tin, the nutty driver was voiced by Wood.

▪︎Cloud City is Heaven - A popular theory that Cloud City actually represents Heaven.

▪︎Greg is Greg Universe - A headcanon/theory that has mostly died out that Greg is the same Greg in Steven Universe.

▪︎Bee Beatrice - Beatrice was originally cursed to become a bee, but was changed into a bluebird to match better with the seasonal autumn theme.

▪︎Pat McHale Voiced Wirt's Voice Crack - Wirt's voice crack when asking the Beast Are You? was actually done by McHale, not Wood.

▪︎The Other Actors Harassing Elijah Wood When Singing Wirt's Song - In order to make the performance as awkward as possible, the other actors were asked to yell and demand Wirt to sing. This can be heard in the episode.

▪︎Come Wayward Souls Has the Same Melody as O Holy Night - The song shares a cadence with "O Holy Night", and can be sung to its tune.

▪︎Black Turtles Origin/Purpose - No one knows why the black turtles exist, and McHale has said that they're just one of the unexplainable things of the Unknown.

▪︎Anna Never Left the House - In the aforementioned comics, it is shown that Anna had never left the house, living on her own until the Woodsman's return.

▪︎Sailor Suit Greg - Greg originally wore a sailor suit, but was changed later on to his current, Johnny Appleseed inspired outfit .

▪︎Beatrice Missing Being Able to Flip People Off - In the Art Book, Beatrice's introduction states that one of the reasons she hates being a bird is because she no longer has hands to flip people off with.

Third Layer

▪︎Jason Funderberker is Visually Based on a Teen Pat McHale - As seen here, Funderberker was designed after McHale.

▪︎Babes in the Wood is Based on an Old Alice in Wonderland Cartoon - You can view the original 1923 cartoon here! Starts at 4:25.

▪︎Wirt and Sara are Dipper and Mabel's Parents - A popular AU/hc where Dipper and Mabel of Gravity Falls are the future kids of Wirt and Sara.

▪︎The Tune of Wirt's Song is Improvised - In addition to the aforementioned harassment, in a further attempt to make the performance as awkward as possible, Elijah Wood was not given a tune to sing, only the lyrics.

▪︎Wirt's Costume Origin - As said in the art book and on his tumblr, Wirt's cone and cape come from an attempted rock and roll persona from McHale's teen years.

▪︎Greg is Based on Pat McHale's Son - It has been claimed that Greg is based on McHale's son, but Greg existed before him. The similarities are simply coincidental.

▪︎Old Scratch - The original name of the Beast.

▪︎The Beast Killed the Woodsman's Wife - Shown in the comics, The Woodsman's wife was mortally injured, with her attacker implied to be the Beast.

▪︎Wirt and Greg Staying in the Unknown Until Christmas - Another scrapped ending, in which the brothers stay in The Unknown until Christmas, with their absence unexplained.

▪︎Tome of the Unknown (original plot) - Early concepts had the Beast ( then known as Old Scratch as mentioned earlier ) scattering the pages of the titular book for the brothers to collect. Each page would come to life and the brothers would explore each story.

▪︎Dante's Inferno Comparisons - Check out these videos for full analysis!

▪︎Wirt Panty Shots - In the aforementioned Circus Friend comics, Wirt dons a dress as part of a disguise. Later on, he rips off the bottom half off, revealing that he is wearing bloomers.

▪︎The Beast's True Form was Inspired by Trypophobia - As stated in the art book, The Beast's hole-filled appearance was inspired by Trypophobia, the fear of many small holes.

▪︎The Fight is Over is About Drowning - Give the lyrics another read.

▪︎The Beast Last Minute Design Change - The Beast had a very different design, and it was changed into the current one at the last minute.

▪︎Gnome in Cloud City Representing Wirt - Many people believed that the Gnome with the lantern in cloud city was a parallel to Wirt, or a glimpse into his future. However, this was debunked.

▪︎Send Me a Peach - This song is included in the ost, but isn't in the actual series.

▪︎Fred and the Highwayman's Backstory - The comics expand upon the story of Fred the Horse and his involvement with the Highwayman.

Fourth Layer

▪︎Babes in the Wood Title Origin - The name of this episode comes from an old story of a pair of children getting lost in the woods, dying, and being buried in leaves by robins.

▪︎poorlydrawnotgw - This was a blog created during the poorly drawn series meme period. It consisted of poorly drawn and very strange shitposts and has since been deactivated. I was a part of it as mod Goopy Wirt and only have a handful of images saved from it.

▪︎Read and Listen Book Lost Audio - A read and listen book was created, with the book being read by Greg's Frog, who would stop every now and again to talk about being a frog. The pages can be found online, but the audio is currently lost.

▪︎Skinless Witch - A scrapped episode concept involved a skinless witch that kidnapped Greg and rode him like a horse.

▪︎Gentleman Burglar Wirt - A scrapped concept in which Wirt breaks into a woman's home, who is charmed by this young man who has come to visit her.

▪︎Animal Transformation - It was originally planned for Wirt and Greg to be turned into a bear/dog and a duck and remain that way for several episodes. This was later used in the comics.

▪︎The Unknown is influenced by Wirt's mind/interests - The Unknown is influenced by those who walk in it, in this case, Wirt. This includes the old timey mystical nature of it, as Wirt has been stated to have an interest in old folk tales.

▪︎Good Guy Beast/Black Train Scrapped Concept - In an earlier draft, the brothers were on a train, heading to what they assumed was death. They jump off, ending up in the Unknown. The Beast tries to get them back on the train, which turns out to be heading back to life.

▪︎Evil Woodsman - At one point, the Woodsman was intended to be under the influence of the Beast and tried to sabotage the brothers's attempts to return home.

▪︎Lorna Reading the Tome of the Unknown in the Epilogue - In the epilogue, Lorna can be seen reading the titular book from the aforementioned scrapped plot.

▪︎The Beast was Originally the Devil Himself - The Beast was first designed as a devil-like character, the aforementioned Old Scratch.

▪︎The Brothers Never Went Home/The Hospital is Part of The Unknown - a theory based on the fact that the edges of the screen are still blurred at the end of chapter 10, the rushed narration, and the lack of consequences of nearly drowning.

▪︎Beatrice Seeing Wirt Nude - In one of the comics, Beatrice accidentally sees Wirt while he is washing his clothes in the river.

▪︎Sara is a Descendant of Lorna - A theory that Sara is a distant relative of Lorna.

▪︎Exists in the Same Universe as Clarence and Home Movies - The most well known piece of evidence is the overhead shot of the town matching the town that Clarence is set in. Wirt and Greg also have a cameo in another episode, and one of the final episodes shows Brendon Small of Home Movies runs a movie rental store in the town, connecting all three series together.

Final Layer

▪︎Beast x Wirt - Also known as Poetree.

▪︎Candycone - Greg x Wirt.

#otgw #over the garden wall #iceberg #iceberg meme #iceberg image #otgw iceberg

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augment-techs · 3 years

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💋 - From the angsty Meme, With Velma and Marcie?

Apologies for the delay.

Red kettle on the stove, the barest hints of the sun's rays bouncing around in the empty Rogers house through the curtains, the smell of Shaggy's "Night Queen" incense failing to make much of a dent through the smell of fried food that basically embodied the young man's room. Shaggy's room being locked on Scooby's suggestion, because Paula Rogers was a Nosy Parker who just went in the room whenever she pleased, and even if she wasn't due back from a shopping spree with her friends and husband for an hour, they could never be too careful. Two almost entirely naked girls on his bed not even making an effort to cover their nipples while Shaggy spread some ghastly green paste, bought from Mrs. Dinkley, over open and oozing red sores. Velma looked like she was about ready to scream; Marcie like she couldn't believe this was happening; Scooby and Shaggy wearing identical looks of disgust caused not by the sight of both girls in such a state in the room, but by the smell the paste emanated. "So, like, I guess Mr. E didn't take well to your quitting, huh?" Small talk was good. His mother had ingrained this into his head since he could walk. Small talk was good, because it was safe. Not likely to trigger a negative reaction. Marcie handed Velma a pillow to scream into, holding up a finger to pause Shaggy's spreading the green near her right nipple just yet, as it was one of the more sensitive spots with the biggest cluster of sores that had opened up; she needed a moment to brace herself while Velma wailed into the cushioned fabric about statistical probabilities, late state capitalism and therapy creepy old men should look into. Scooby whined, padding over to his bespectacled friend and patting her on the knee, "There, there, rhet it all out." "Yeah, V, let it all out," Marcie sighed, finally letting Shaggy move onto the nipple, his fingernails positioned awkwardly so as not to chafe her and his fingers scooping up an additional dollop of the paste to cool down the area; all of which she appreciated. She still bit down so hard on her lip that a little blood crested over the edge and Shaggy drew back in terror. "Sorry, sorry, sorry," he whined, not so different from Scooby as Velma finally put down the pillow and the poor dog had to sit down on top of her, paws pressed down on her hands, to keep the girl from scratching at the sores and opening them wider. They both looked macabre enough without her going feral. It was a very awkward moment, and thank whatever higher powers that be that Fred and Daphne were trying to have some catch up time somewhere else, because there was no explaining this like rational people if anyone walked in the door. "If I see Mr. E so much as walking down the street in the next few days, I'm taking an eighteen gauge needle full of experimental serum and stabbing him with it," Velma hissed with feeling as Shaggy took the initiative to go find a paintbrush because the skin to skin contact was absolutely not going to work. "Amen to that, V," Marcie grinned with feeling, almost getting a scratch in on her freckled shoulder before Shaggy batted her with a paintbrush that Velma was almost entirely sure Paula Rogers used during the Still Life Night all the gang abhorred for Shaggy's sake. That woman took better care and put more consideration into those brushes than she did with her son, and Colton Rogers was no better in being used for inspiration without presence in the finished paintings. Using the thing to help Shaggy help a couple of friends wasn't going to do any more damage to those two than they deserved, and Scooby was pleased to fetch a couple more with softer hair in the brushes (the horse hair ones were stronger, but the hog hair and badger hair ones would probably work better to evenly distribute the paste). So what if they were the more expensive ones in the house? (If he didn't manage to clean the green gunk out of it properly, then Velma's lips were lock bolt tight and unlikely to say a word. It felt so much better than being applied by hand; of this, Marcie and she agreed.)

#ask fill #sdmi #scooby-doo mystery incorporated #Varcie #velma dinkley #marcie fleach #velma/marcie #shaggy rogers

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mudlark2019 · 4 years

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Endeavour Fandom Meme

I was tagged by @eau1636 and @astridcontramundum. Thank you, friends!

Top 5 episodes:

Home. For my money, the story structure of this one is watertight. I love how silently and sparsely the scenes of Morse grieving are: it’s almost entirely subtext and inference and Shaun Evans’s face -- those are the ingredients for when the show is at its best, imho. The scene of Fred and Morse drinking together while Morse tells the story of learning to shoot for rabbits is among my all time favorites.

Degüello. Just bursting with tension, yet at the heart of it is a fully-fleshed out, good old fashioned “body in the library mystery.” And then they all end up where they belong in the end! It was like watching Russell Lewis land a somersault.

Neverland. Just devastating. Learning about Jakes’s background. The poem at the end is beyond sublime.

Fugue. I hope Morse gets another nemesis! This one is just good fun and also has a genuine creep factor.

Trove. I love how fragile and broken he is in this one. I love the angst of that, and how worried everyone is about him. That’s my jam.

Seasons in Order of Preference:

S1, S2, S6, S4, S5, S7, S3

Favorite Scenes.

Morse falling asleep on the Thursdays’ couch in Fugue is my favorite. The “after rabbits” scene between him and Thursday in Home. “I’ll have to take off my hat” in Trove. The poem in Neverland. The fall of the tower in Deguello and its aftermath where Bright takes charge. The “what day is it” “corned beef” scene in the hospital in Canticle! Morse picking up DeBryn in all his fishing gear “I didn’t order a taxi.” All those lovely shots of Morse walking through the field in his uniform in Pylon. Dorothea asking Morse “All well?” after they’ve spent some time together in Harvest. Win reading Morse’s letter in Zenana. And I actually love-hate that scene on the rooftop in Passenger so much I find it hard to watch. His face as he realizes she doesn’t want him... HIS FACE.

Favorite Musical Moment

When Morse is sitting in his chair, alone, home from the hospital in Canticle, listening to Verdi’s Messa da Requiem. And then Joan calls.

Favorite cinematography.

Pylon. All those late summer fields. The horse. But every episode of this show looks absolutely amazing.

Favorite Ensemble Character that isn’t Morse.

Do not make me choose between Max and Dorothea, I will not.

Favorite One-Episode Character.

What a great question! That poor teacher who’s still stuck at Coldwater in Icarus! I like to think he and the bad dead teacher’s widow eventually have a thing.

Favorite Morse Look.

I actually like him best as the rumpled wunderkind in an old car coat in the first two seasons, if we’re just talking about character looks. Season 3 hair OBVIOUSLY. That boiler suit! And I was a huge fan of the uniform. He looked amazing. And don’t hate me but I did not mind the mustache for a season.

Biggest Disappointment

Not too many, honestly. This show is a huge treat and they take such care with it that even when it disappoints, there are still lots of things to love. Like many, I did not especially like S7. It was too painful watching Morse and Thursday fighting even though I know it’s realistic for two such dissimilar people to have this sort of falling out. I did LOVE Morse’s letter and Thursday racing to help him. LOVED IT. I just hope Russ will just skip along past the conflict in S8 and give us another season of them working side by side. They love each other and this show is about love and partnership. Give us that!

Speaking of: I also don’t really agree with the overall decision to introduce Ludo and Violetta and tell an over-dramatic opera story. That’s all in keeping with the show and they did a very good job, but I was still left wondering why any of it was necessary when we have so many stories with our original crew that still need to be told before all’s said and done.

Provide some Spicy Takes on canon, fandom, anything!

1) My spiciest is that I don’t really care for S3. I was so angry when Ride aired because it didn’t deal with the devastating fallout of Neverland much at all, except to have Morse give a couple of unusually poorly written speeches confessing all his feelings. Miss opportunities abounded. Bixby himself was good fun though -- but the twins plot?? Arcadia is, for my money, the worst episode in the entire show, and Coda did not quite do enough for its very promising premise, nor had Joan’s exit been properly prepared.

I confess I eventually grew to like the Jaws/Tiger episode though haha

2) Dakota Blue Richards was terrible. Trewlove could have been a fun character, but she did nothing with the part and was sulky about her role on twitter to boot. I did think she was very good in “Icarus” though. At least she nailed that.

Oh shit I’ve ended on such a sour note! lol To make up for it I pay homage to the memory of George Fancy, cuz Lewis Peek did a great job. And Ronnie Box, wherever he is (I actually don’t mind that being a question mark at all -- I love it LOVE IT when writers leave things to their audience’s imagination).

Free Space!

I’ve met a lot of wonderful and amazing people through this show, both online and in real life. Everything about it has felt like a gift, perhaps especially Shaun Evans’s face.

@tea-cub @melbows @dangerously-human @imaginationtherapy

#endeavour

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missionspecialist · 4 years

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hey!! i watched apollo 13 a few days ago and fell down a rabbit hole and i was delighted to find there's a whole (sort of) nasa/astronaut/space/i-dont-know-what-to-call-it fandom thing/network of blogs on tumblr! so far my fave things are (1) the memes, and (2) the rants & rambles about little bizarrely specific or seemingly random things. i'm REALLY loving your blog especially! if you want give me some rambles/rants/memes/facts/thoughts on the apollo 13 astronauts! or don't! love u either way ❤

Hi anon! Thank you so much for this ask, I’ve had a really bad last couple of days but this is so nice. And yeah I don’t really know what to call the “fandom” either tbh. But it makes me happy that more people are falling down the rabbit hole lmao - I first got into this stuff when I was like 16-17 and I would spend all my time reading mission transcripts and screaming about astronauts to anyone who would listen (in retrospect, oh god im sorry lol). Seeing the community grow is really like…really heartwarming? So yeah.

About Apollo 13…hm. I have seen the movie a bunch of times but not in a while so I can’t remember exactly what facts might already have been included and I don’t wanna be redundant but! I will do my best. Actually this is prob. mostly just gonna be stuff about Jim Lovell bc I love him!! and despite Apollo 13 being one of the more famous missions it’s not one of the ones I know a ton of specific details about so:

Whenever I think about Apollo 13 honestly my mind goes to this pic bc omgh my god….Fred Haise sitting on the phone books is SO fucking funny to me. like. mood.

anyway yes. jim lovell….Im love him….here are some of my fave pics of him: (1) where he looks all handsome, (2) where he looks like a big goof, (3) another joke pic from geology training (see caption), and (4) another geology training one w/ his friend Pete Conrad (who nicknamed him “Shaky” when they were in test pilot school together in the 50s lmaooo). like, yeah he just stuffed some random rock in his pocket and it looks hella awkward (honestly every time I see this pic I’m like “is that a rock or are you just…” ajhshhs lmao) but I think it’s fun, I mean just look at Pete’s hat and pipe. Anyway. Ya girl just loves geology training photos sorry!

Also since I feel like part of my niche on here is rambling about design/fashion/aesthetics in relation to space I’m gonna talk about mission patches! You can read more about the design process behind the Apollo 13 mission patch here. Overall I think it’s a good patch w/ a solid design! A few years there was a project where some people designed alternate commemorative versions of the Apollo mission patches and the alternate Apollo 13 one is my favorite of the bunch. It has the path of the horses representing Apollo reversed so they’re traveling from the moon back to earth, which I think is a really simple but elegant and meaningful reimagining. You can read more about the commemorative patch project here btw.

While we are on the topic of mission patches and Jim Lovell, can I just say SHOUTOUT to my mans for his design sense bc the Apollo 8 patch is a banger and easily one of the top 3 best mission patches from Gemini and Apollo. It seems like he was more interested in considering the designs of the patches for his flights than average (at least, this is my impression, but idk) and he had a pretty good run of mission patches. I tend to like patches w/o a lot of cluttered details and text all over the place that convey a lot through simple shapes and symbols (imo the Gemini 10 patch is the pinnacle of mission patch design) so I think the Gemini 12, Apollo 8, and Apollo 13 patches are nice. The Gemini 7 one is also very good but he wasn’t as involved on that. He did contribute ideas to Michael Collins about the Apollo 11 patch design (prob. bc he was backup commander for the mission) which is another good one, of course. Anyway I can appreciate a man who appreciates good design so! yeah lmao!

I’d love to add in some stuff about fashion/spacesuit stylings in relation to Apollo 13 bc I tend to go on about that stuff but I can’t really think of anything right now? But yeah I think I’m gonna stop here otherwise I will keep writing random stuff about Jim Lovell (I am so sorry Fred and Jack I just do not know as much about you), but THANK YOU for letting me talk about this stuff! Maybe others can add more (and better) info to this post if they want?

#Anonymous #I hope you see this and I hope this is at least vaguely along the lines of what you wanted?#also I'm sorry I don't have any memes to share about this jshhdhfh but trust me I also love memes #i think it was mentioned in the movie but jack swigert realizing he forgot to file his taxes....ahhdhjfjfjfs #also sorry for not shutting up about jim lovell on main but like #he's good...#I think people on here identify me mostly as a) that girl who likes space aesthetics and 2) john young's 1 fangirl #but I actually like jim lovell just as much #he just seems like a fun-loving; smart; genuine guy and quite frankly: husband goals #I'll see myself out #asks answered #dare I even tag this #apollo 13

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l-egionaire · 5 years

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Ultimate Ship Meme: Gocup

ULTIMATE SHIP MEME!

General:

Rate the Ship -

How long will they last? - They might squabble every now and then, but they last until the day they die.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - They started dating a few months after Hiccup came SFIT. Honey Lemon encouraged Gogo to make a move and they went out for ramen.

How was their first kiss? - Quick and Unexpected. Gogo planted one on Hiccup after their 3rd date.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Hiccup. He flew Gogo on Toothless's back all around the city before proposing.

Who is the best man/men? - Fishlegs is Hiccups best man. Hiro, Fred, Wasabi, Fred, and Tuffnut where groomsmen.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Honey begged for three days before Gogo let her be maid of honor. Her bridesmaids were her mom, older sister, and cousin.

Who did the most planning? - They both spent many long days and sleepless nights putting together this crazy wedding.

Who stressed the most? - They were both pretty stressed.

How fancy was the ceremony? -

Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Snotlout. Gogo would not attend a wedding with him in the building. He came as Ruffnuts plus 1.

Sex:

Who is on top? - Gogo.

Who is the one to instigate things? -Usually Gogo. She's a very physical person.

How healthy is their sex life? -

Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? -

Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - They last a decent amount of time.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Yep.

How rough are they in bed? -

Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -

No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - Probably one.

How many children will they adopt? - None.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Usually Gogo. But that's just because I don't picture Hiccup around as often during the day. He's usually busy with dragon research.

Who is the stricter parent? - Gogo. She has mastered the terrifying art of "the mom look"

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Ironically, Hiccup. He knows danger when he sees it and is the first to keep his kids from jumping off dragons in mid air.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Gogo.

Who is the more loved parent? - Their kid loves them pretty equally, but might go to Hiccup if they're worried about getting in trouble.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?- neither. They both see it as bogus.

Who cried the most at graduation? - Gogo pretended that the thing dripping from her eye was sweat, but no one bought it.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Hiccup. He's been there. Don't ask.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Amazingly, Probably Gogo. She probably picked up a lot living with Honey Lemon.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Neither is particularly picky.

Who does the grocery shopping? - Whoever has the time.

How often do they bake desserts? - Never.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - These two are total carnivores who eat meat. All. The. Time.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Hiccup, but it'll probably be at like a restaurant or something.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Hiccup. Gogo isnt a fan of greasy unhealthy food.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Hiccup.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - They both kind of leave things a mess, but Hiccup is more likely to straighten things up.

Who is really against chores? - Neither really like doing chores.

Who cleans up after the pets? -Hiccup. He wants to live with the fire breathing reptiles, he has to clean up the piles of dragon dung.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Gogo.

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Hiccup, but only when his dad visits. He's pretty critical.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Gogo.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Gogo, but only by a few seconds. They both rush through showers to get to other stuff.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - They don't have a dog, but Toothless requests a fly around the city at least once a day. Hiccup usually does it, unless he's busy in which case Gogo does.

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - They are pretty sparse decorators but do put up good quality decorations.

What are their goals for the relationship? - To not screw it up.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Hiccup. Gogo's up before the sun comes up.

Who plays the most pranks? - Gogo.

#httyd #httyd fandom #hiccup #hiccup hadfock #gogo #bh6 #big hero 6 #big hero 6 the series #gocup #rarepair #rare #ultimate ship meme #ship meme #headcanon

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sinsins52 · 6 years

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Everything Wrong Everything Wrong With Scooby Doo

ORIGINAL VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSovRS_YU_o&index=2

1.”We hear the Scooby laugh, but there’s no Scooby, which leads me to believe this was a haunting image for some younger children that assumed Scooby might be dead” ….No.

2.”Expositonal Scarreading” First off, bad pun. 2nd off, it’s a location marker, not exposition.

3.”I really have a wedgie” “Pics or it didn’t happen” What?

4.”And yes, this is supposed to be essentially a live action cartoon, but it’s supposed to take place in the real world” A real world with talking dogs and body switching goo stuff.

5.”You really get the sense that Sarah Michelle Gellar just kept all the purple items from the wardrobe of the Cruel Intentions set” This movie that movie.

6.”Daphne the vampire slayer” Spoke too soon.

7.”Everyone’s accepting that Scooby Doo can talk, but how the f*ck did he learn to read?”Jeremy is fine with a talking dog, but when that talking dog can read that’s crossing the line, damn it!

8.”Not that I mind but they sure did sex up these characters for this movie” Well you do mind if you’re sinning it. Also, ew.

9..”Dorky chicks like you turn me on too” “That’s racist” It’s funny because he didn’t say exist. And if he did, it would after he said he didn’t mind that Daphne was being sexed up.

10.”Movie predicts the Brett Rambo/Thumbs Up .gif from many years later” Ah yes, the thumbs up gesture is so rare clearly that meme is the-wait, the clip only a close up on the guy’s face, with no thumbs up so how are they even alike?

11.”So the smurfs are still a cartoon in a world where Mystery Inc is a thing?” The real sin is that they predicted a worse Raja Gosnell movie.

12.-”Has yet to introduce major charecter Scrappy Doo” He is not a major character, he’s just shown as a set up for a villain twist, so it’s fine he hasn’t shown up yet.

13.”Yes, I realizes this is based on a cartoon that used to play loose with psychics and hallways doors-” So thus you went back and edited this sin out.

14.”-but you just had to introduce THE most annoying character from the series out of F*CKING NOWHERE!” But this time he’s meant to be annoying on purpose and they kick him out right away so why are you angry?

15.”Impressively, Freddie managed to sneak this line into his wedding vows for Sarah Michelle” What?

16.”This soul swapping demon army sh*t is not just ruining this movie, it’s also ruining my childhood memories damnit!” No one tell him about Zombie Island.

17.”I’m Fred again!” “Fred-splaning” Stop.

18.”Is Scooby Doo necessarily pure of soul?” Yes., sin for suggesting otherwise.

19.”Is really the best horse-er Dog to bet the whole Darkpocyplse plan on?” The subtitles say plan but Jeremy did not.

20.”Man this ending sure does feel Suicide Squid-y doesn’t it?” Nope.

21.There’s another this movie that movie sin with Isla Fisher I don’t even wanna type out.

22.”So this whole Daphne getting captured is this worldwide knowledge?” Yes. Mystery Inc is famous as they’ve shown. Come on man.

23.”Not only do we get a post credits sequence-” It’s not really post credits if the credits are playing over it. So it’s just…a regular credits scene, I guess?

SINS VIDEO SIN TALLY: 23

SENTENCE: Damsel in distress

Yeah, way less than usual but this is one of the better sin videos we’ve done so far, I agree with a fair bit of it, or I just had nothing to say. Either, hope you enjoyed this anyway.

Just so you know, only the Cinema Sins videos will be of Horror/spooky-ish movies cuz there’s not exactly a lot of spooky themed off brand videos. We’re saving the one I know of for last so next week, something different from another good off brand channel.

#Live Action Movies #Live Action/CGI Hybrids #Spooky October Movies #Cinema Sins

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feitanswife · 6 years

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Because I’m angry at life and like old memes: Washington State Gothic

-“Evergreen state!” You say so proudly. It hasn’t rained in months. Everything is dead it hasn’t rained in months but the trees are fine. Ever. Green.

- every summer there’s a fire, a few fires, everything is on fire. The sky is full of smoke, no one goes outside. You drive through where they said the fire was, everything is fine. Did they put the fire out? They never said they got it out. Did they ever say they got last years fire out? The place your standing was burnt black on the news last week. Wow, they restored it all so fast. Even the grass. It’s like it never happened, but that’d be silly, there’s smoke in the air! There has to be a fire somewhere.

- there’s four Starbucks stores in your town, one in Safeway, one in Fred Meyer, one with a drive through, and one in a weird spot with only three parking spaces. That one is always packed, even if every parking space in the entire shopping center is open. The drinks you get there never taste quite right. Safeway gets it right every time. Why don’t you just walk across the street to that one? Why don’t you?

-if you go west, the city doesn’t stop. You’ve been driving for five minutes, you’re in Tacoma now. You’ve been driving ten hours, you’re still in Auburn. How does it work? You don’t know. You don’t pay attention to where you’re going but you get where you wanted to be. Somehow. But if you go east... don’t go east.

- no one stops in Yakima. If you’re going to the east, maybe to Idaho I dunno, you don’t stop in Yakima. You wait. You don’t know why you don’t stop in Yakima, but you do, you wait until the rest area if you’re going to stop.

-your neighbor is a witch, no one questions it. Your coworker is a witch. Your boss is a witch. The cashier at the grocery store is a witch. The lady giving out samples at Costco is a witch. You’re a witch.

- along with that, you have crystals. You didn’t buy them. You know their names and what they mean. It’s in a notebook on your dresser, in your handwriting. When did you write that down?

- you have six types of neighbors.

1 There are ones who you’ve never seen, never spoken to, but you know their names, jobs, and where they hide their spare key. You don’t know how you know this.

2 You have an elderly white couple with too much money to live in that neighborhood, they’re nice, befriend them.

3 There’s the weed dealer and his overachiever kid. The kid is a witch. According to the people who can remember, theyre the one who initiated you.

4 There’s the do-all ones. The husband is a lawyer, tech customer service guy, landscaper, contracter, he rides a motorcycle. and his wife is a teacher, a writer, an artist, a therapist, she volunteeers. Where? Somewhere. She’s always volunteering.

5 There’s the ones who don’t speak English. Several kids in the family. They have only one kid who’s fluent despite going to the same public school as any other kids, and they’re in your age group. You’ll speak to them once, and never see them again. The one in your grade and graduate with you, but none of the others seem to age. They grow fruit trees in their yard that really shouldn’t grow in this climate.

6 There’s the ones your parents know. They went to school together. They worked together. They were roommates. They live next door. They don’t have kids. They don’t have lives. They’ve known your parents forever. Their house has no decorations. They don’t plant anything in their yard. Their house is plain white. They have no friends, no pets, and never have anyone over. They’ve known your parents forever.

- you have a classic car in your garage. So does your neighbor. The poorest house has a classic car. On Friday evenings in summer, everyone takes them to the parking lot behind the WalMart. It’s always the same people, but you never recognize the cars.

- you’re going camping. Your boss is going camping. Everyone is going camping. Someone from work left a year ago, said they were going camping. You forgot about them. When they came back, the boss just asked how the trip went. They said it was fine, but it rained and their tent got damp. You still can’t remember the last time it rained.

- “huskies or cougs???? Huskies or cougs????” Everyone asks when you start talking about college. You were planning on going to Central. Everyone goes to Central these days. But when you say that, no one knows where it is. No one sells Wildcat merch. But over 1/3 of your graduating class wanted to go to Central. Your cousin went to Central. Didn’t she? When was she ever gone for school?

- on the subject of how CWU and the town of Ellensburg only seem to sort of exist, I’m just going to put it out here not even joking the Ellensburg Safeway probably houses a portal to hell and it’s also just a shitty store, go to Grocery Outlet or Fred Meyer if you stop there to get something.

- you had a horse growing up, your neighbor has a horse, your best friend has a horse. Everyone has a horse. You live nowhere near a farm and you still hear them.

- your neighbors have chickens. Their neighbors have chickens. You don’t have chickens but they’re here anyway. You move to the city, you still wake up to a rooster’s call. You can’t escape the goddamn chickens.

- you started a garden. Even if you don’t have a yard, you have a garden. Everyone has a garden. You’d have to be crazy to not have a garden! You have buckets of cucumbers. More peas than you can eat. The basil plant is six feet tall. Who needs that much basil? You pick it and dry it anyway, you never seem to have any in the house even though this happens every year. Your lavender plants are spilling into the sidewalk. Your lavender plants are eating local squirrels. You forgot to trim back the rose bush. Its bigger than the house. It’s too late now.

- you have reusable grocery bags. You have fifteen. You keep them in your car. They’re never there. You buy more, and put them in your car. How many bags have you put in your car?

-you own an umbrella or two. You don’t use them. No one does. You don’t remember why but you’d feel mortified to be seen with one. Only outsiders use umbrellas. Tourists. You don’t want to look like a tourist. You really don’t.

- it finally rains, it rains as hard as you’ve ever seen it, the drops bounce feet off the ground. Someone scoffs, “that’s not rain. This, this is a drizzle. You’ll know when it rains.” You stop praying for rain.

- it’s fair time. You’re paying to park in someone’s yard. You win prizes and bring them home, and lose them. You can’t remember what they were, or what games you played, or what you did at the fair. You’re too poor to make rent now and with nothing to show for it. You don’t know why you keep going back, but if it’s fair time, you have to go.

-nobody remembers what happened in middle school. But every time you see things that remind you of your old best friend, you run. You don’t remember why you’re avoiding her. You find a copy of her favorite day game in a parking lot, and you cry. You can’t escape her. You change your style and dye your hair but she always recognizes you. No one says her name. Somehow, you think it might always be her. Everyone is avoiding her.

-do not, for the love of god, pray for snow. If you want snow go to the mountains. Don’t bring it here.

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sunnydaleherald · 6 years

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The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Tuesday-Wednesday, February 27-28, 2018

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Forget (Dawn/Faith, Teen) by cmk418

Right Words, Right Actions (Buffy/Spike, R) by katleept

Heart Reborn (Buffy/Spike, Gen) by vogue91

And when I see her move I see the Hell to pay (Buffy/Spike, Gen) by vogue91

It's Far Better to Learn (Faith/Tara, Gen) by slutorama

Resurrected (Spike/Reader, Not rated) by mrs-john-winchester

[Re: Prompt: Tara and Faith being on a date but neither of them being aware that it's a date] (Tara/Faith, Not rated) by lesbidar

[Chaptered Fiction]

The Vampire and The Lost Boy (CHAPTER 1) (Angel/Gwen Raiden, Winifred "Fred" Burkle/Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, M) by QueenOfDestielLand

Go West, Paradise is There (CHAPTER 1) (Buffy/Giles, Teen) by Figure_of_Dismay

Takes A Hit (CHAPTER 1) (Faith, Dawn, Buffy, crossover with Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1, Supernatural, Explicit) by MillieMae

You See Me (CHAPTER 1) (Tara/Faith, Teen) by anyasbunny

Brooklyn's Calling (CHAPTER 1) (Angel, Cordelia, T) by CyberChick135

Something to Talk About (CHAPTER 4) (Xander/Buffy, M) by Janis-70

The Bargaining (CHAPTER 16) (Buffy, Angel, M) by evilbuffyfan4eva

[Images, Audio & Video]

Tattoo: My new #BuffyTheVampireSlayer tattoo by Krissy Bergquist at Electric Tattoo linked by taxidermyworms

Artwork: He’s so damn pretty (Spike) by infinityoftwo

Artwork: [Illustration for we’ll be demon hunters by @neonbars (tara/faith)] by lesbidar

Artwork: faith and tara are dating! by lesbidar

Fanmix: a(n emo) tara/faith fanmix by neonbars

[Reviews & Recaps]

Buffy Reviewed, Season 11, Issue 11 by harsens-rob

BTVS Rewatch Season 1 Episode 7: Angel by thedoctorsprincess

BTVS Rewatch Season 1 Episode 6: The Pack by thedoctorsprincess

Ep 50: Giles' Demon Drag Race by ianxcarlos

Giles Mini - Issue 1 - Thoughts/Review by lilyginnyblackv2

BTVS Rewatch Season 1 Episode 8: I Robot, You Jane by thedoctorsprincess

BTVS Rewatch Season 1 Episode 10: Nightmares by thedoctorsprincess

BTVS Rewatch Season 1 Episode 9: The Puppet Show by thedoctorsprincess

PODCAST: 719: Empty Places by tinyfences

PODCAST: 3.19: Choices by bufferingthevampireslayer

PODCAST: S04E04 - Thomason's Pinterest Account - Fear, Itself by popculturerolecall

[Recs]

More Links Than A Bag Of Sausages - 2/27 by petzipellepingo

More Links Than A Bag Of Sausages - 2/28 by petzipellepingo

[Community Announcements]

Submit to our March Fanfic Contest! by thesunnydalefanficclub

[Fandom Discussions]

[Re: Is Buffy more or less compatible with Angel at the end of the show?] by we-pay-for-everything

[Re: "Restless"] by whataseamus and quasi-normalcy

[Re: Who would Jenny and Giles ask to be bridesmaids/best men and how?] by jenny-calendar

[Re: What do Jenny and Giles look for in their first house together?] by jenny-calendar

Giles #01 updated covers by buffythecomicslayer

[Re: Relationship drama] by we-pay-for-everything

[Send me ideas for official Buffy merch you’d like to own] by kathubs

[Re: BtVS meme] by bangelicchocoholic

[Re: Buffy/Angel] by we-pay-for-everything

[Re: BtVS meme] by willowrosenboob

How to Slay the Buffy Way: Badass Buffy Attitude and Killer Life Advice linked by buffythecomicslayer

[Re: Bangel or spuffy?] by quickhidetherum

[Charisma Carpenter as Buffy] by daneofelysium, et al.

[Articles, Interviews, and Other News]

TWITTER: [Buffy the Vampire Slyer Season 12 is the Final Season] by Dark Horse Comics

#buffy the vampire slayer #angel the series #fanfiction #fan art #meta #comics

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

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Vol. 11

Zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

"Groove On Fight" --Sega Saturn-- (Atlus) -1997- *Imagine a Japanese pretty boy version of Christopher Walken with a neo biker / leather cowboy fetish. Now imagine an entire, -wealthy & powerful- "Game of Thrones style" inbred family of them all with some peculiar fetish. They fight it out for control of the family. The matriarchy of the family is two grannies tied back to back like Siamese bondage twins. One fight takes place on the back of an American type bomber plane up above the clouds. That last sentence pretty much speaks to the disturbed nature of a lot of Japanese art after World War 2.* close to 3 stars

Godfrey Ho's "Ninja Commandments" (1987) *Who knew that honky moral issues like pre-marital sex were such problems for Ninjas, or that they liked to party with skanky groupies, and that pretty much all ninjas are not-so-secretly middle age white men.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

*Deadly Prey: Ice T's "The Game"(?), a movie where a guy gets kidnapped by army dudes and hunted for sport only to fight back, this time with a hero who's a Patrick Swayze type bohunk Rambo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Ticket To Hawaii: Skinemax classic about blonde bimbos trying to stop criminal smuggling in an exotic locale. Also, killer, "infectious," cancer-ridden, huge snake.* 2 1/2 stars

*Miami Connection: Lost & found gem of a movie with nearly as many awkwardly awesome moments as Tommy Wiseau's "The Room."* 3 stars

Red Letter agrees that Miami Connection is "The Best of the Worst."

---------------------------------

"Red Earth" aka "Warzard" (Capcom) *A wizard summons up a bunch of kaiju monsters, in scattered epic sites, that only a big lion-man and several other heroes can vanquish from the earth. Typical wizard being a total dickhead, to the rest of magic-impaired mankind, behavior.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Bushido Blade 2" (Playstation 1) *Bloodthirsty Japanese clans have kept up the honor of warring over territory for power for centuries up into modern times, in this game. It's a nice mixture of both old and new worlds, and the music and dialogue is well done, and even the setting and characters (though limited by the blocky polygon look of early 3D). It keeps with "realism" too with one good killing stroke, with a warrior's sword, doing the job. It even has thrills like bikini girls with machine guns.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service Vol. 4" (Dark Horse Manga) *Morbid and eccentric tales of a group of Buddhist college students with unique gifts of communicating with corpses littered in strange locations around Japan. They help fill the odd requests of these bodies to be put at peace usually in some morbid way or involving some morbid mystery. Instead of trash "reality" entertainment like Long Island Medium, this much better "talking with the deceased" fiction should be turned into tv entertainment for western audiences. It's so much more interesting and entertaining.* 3 stars

"Savage Reign" (SNK) *This is the Kris Kross of fighters. Kriss Kross being a pair of 12 year old rappers whose record company realized their talent was lacking so they came up with the bright idea to have the duo dress with their clothes backwards. The gimmicks in Savage Reign are plenty. There's a clown who fights with roller skates. A valley-girl swinging around a pink bowling ball. His name is Joker, and she looks like a cleaned up Harley Quinn, come to think of it now. A Vanilla Ice look-a-like sports a Captain America' Canadian tuxedo of denim and stars and stripes. The Ryu style hero, of the game, fights without fireballs but instead a silly boomerang. The big boss is a fancier "cock of the walk" Shao Kahn throwing his punches with fists covered in boxing gloves. Sickly serene backgrounds include a generic Disneyland theme park and an underground cow milking gang hideout that is almost as weird as something out of "Naked Lunch."* 2 stars

The Spoony Experiment: Clones of Bruce Lee *When Bruce Lee tragically died during the height of his career, movie producing jerks didn't let it stop them from abusing his legacy. Tons of Bruce Lee impersonators popped up and a sub-genre of exploitation movies was born. They were called Brucesploitation flicks. In this one, it's about as shameless as it gets with a plot about cloning Bruce Lee before his body has even grown cold and using the clones for nefarious purposes.* close to 2 stars for the sleazy, cheesy movie and 3 stars for Spoony's review

"Fight For Life" (The Last Official Atari Jaguar Game) --1996-- *Show a kid, today, an Atari 2600 game and they'll think you're giving them something like an ink blot test. Having witnessed an Atari 2600 game, back in the day, it felt like I was standing on the edge of the digital future. The Atari Jaguar promised that brave, new, digital future with their doomed Jaguar gaming machine. I remember the first time I saw Sega's Virtua Fighter in an arcade. I did get that "tomorrow feeling." I couldn't wait to take these blocky 3D characters and make them my sandbox toys tossing them around with their ragdoll physics. It was mind blowing. Atari's Fight For Life wanted to be like Virtua Fighter, only it comes off more like a 2600 ink blot test for the imagination, and really painful to the senses. Man, is it ugly and clunky. It's definitely not "epic," but I can compare it to something else that is "epic." The Faith No More "Epic" music video where the fish out of water is flopping its death throes. It's more like that fish than a jaguar.* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Karate Girl *Rape revenge exploitation "thriller" circa 1970s about a mute girl from a Turkish village. The kind of movie that Tarantino would rip off elements from and be called a genius later. Also featuring an infamous over-the-top death scene that's become an internet meme.* close to 2 stars for the movie & close to 3 stars for the review

"The Blonde Fury" (1989) *Cynthia Rothrock is the greatest female action star. It had to be said, because it's true. This is a Hong Kong action flick about crazy counterfeiters and quirky investigators. The English dubbing is extra entertaining and the comedy is quite clever.* 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 5 *Finally, a bloody battle, at sea, to go along with the pirate base politics and prostitute abuse.* 3 stars

Hot Package: Pilot (Adult Swim) --2013-- *Spoof of insipid celebrity obsessed shows like E!NEWS and Entertainment Tonight, but with a weird EverythingIsTerrible style obscure internet clip twist. Featuring "hot phone sex" Pat from Access Hollywood and produced by Tim & Eric from Adult Swim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Slap Happy Rhythm Busters" (Playstation One) *Filled with quirky characters who use supermoves similar to a Marvel Versus series game & graphics as brightly colored as 'Viewtiful Joe' 'Katamari Damacy' & 'Legend of Zelda Windwaker', Slap Happy will slap you silly with enjoyment.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Slaughter Sport" aka "Tongue of the Fatman" (Razorsoft) Sega Genesis 1991 *Another barbaric battle of death, in a palace pit, hosted by a Jabba the Hutt style freak boss who also looks like a shirtless Eric Cartman, in his underwear, with a hideous face and tongue on his fat rolls of a belly. Tech-abominations like a cybernetic chicken, fierce sex slave warrior chicks, gassy gargoyles, spider-women, bad boy white rappers, and other mutated freaks of the wasteland compete for the hunger and amusement of Mondu, the fatman. His pet sand-shark finishes off the losers.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star

"Godzilla, Destroy All Monsters: Melee" (x-Box) *This has almost everything a fan of kaiju destruction could want. Just about every Tokyo stomping monster is in it, and playable. Only thing missing is frightened citizens running about pointing at "Gojira." Plus, I think the voices over the airwaves should sound Asian. Points for the quirky bits like a UFO hovering over attacking and Mothra getting in on the action.* close to 3 stars

"Rakuga Kids" *Some brats battle their stuffed animals around their playrooms and neighborhood that look like they're out of a pop-up storybook. It's sort of Street Fighter 2 meets Toy Story 2. Animated similar to Rugrats and Adult Swim's Home Movies.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Dragoon Might" -Arcade- (Konami) --1995-- *The fancy presentation of this game reminds me of 2009's 3D spectacle, Avatar. It makes me wanna reach out and pick a low hanging piece of pretty fruit and bite into it. Yet, there's a pit. The artistry and poetry looks at times like it's coming from a Crouching Tiger, but hidden in the bushes, ready to pounce, is a shirtless guy in torn jeans and brandishing a butcher knife. It's just goodtime trash stealing your quarters.* 2 1/2 stars

"Kaiser Knucle" (Arcade) *This is the Vanilla Ice "Cool As Ice" of Street Fighter 2 rip offs. You can play as Fred Flinstone's daughter or "Barts" Yes with an S (teen biker Bart Simpson?) & Ryu w/ flowing mullet, or even "Boggy" who is a MC Hammer wannabe. "Don't hurt 'em!"* 2 stars

Nostalgia Critic: Rise of the Commercials *A look back on when silly advertising really RULED! "Don't put it in your mouth." That is unless it's been properly branded by corporate America and parent approved.* 3 stars

Double Dare: Super Sloppiest Moments *Kids, and their mostly whitebread families, get covered in green slime.* 2 1/2 stars

Jack & Triumph: Commercial *It starts off funny with making fun of Dennis Leary for stealing Bill Hicks' comedy act. Then it gets typical with the whole Alan Thicke showing up and we're supposed to accept that he's now "ironically funny" because he's a square former celebrity acting in an offensive way that we never saw on his old tv show. That's the same kind of lame shit that media is always trying to do in a hipster way with all these former celebrities from the 70s, 80s, or 90s. Robert Smigel can do so much better, see TV Funhouse for example.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Master Ninja 1 *Lee Van Cleef makes a convincing wild west badass. Surrounded by 70s style slacker dude in a muscle van, mousey & young Demi Moore, hicksploitation villains, and obvious kung fu stuntman doing his action work -Lee struggles to make a convincing martial arts badass.* 2 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without riffing

"Project Justice" --Sega Dreamcast-- (Capcom) *I believe it was the 70s, that era of great television, that first introduced the novelty of students teaming up with a teacher in the classic "Welcome Back, Kotter." The 80s went further, with this, having society's school aged misfits solving problems of gangs of bullies terrorizing the halls of school or jerks who wanted to close down the local youth center and even the retro cheese staple of ski slope jerks challenging our youthful heroes to a race for control of the ski slope club's mountain. This game is similar, in nature, and has the extra benefit of featuring quirky Japanese style characters and aesthetics.* close to 3 stars

"Last Bronx" (Sega Model 2 Arcade) *Consumer electronics have always been trendy with yuppies. When home entertainment centers became hot, everybody had to have one. Digital watches were on every wrist. A Sony walkman around every neck and in every pocket. Still, there was always a stigma about technology, whenever it was new or in development. At the turn of the 21st century, few would have imagined people lining up around the streets to get each new Apple computer product. Same with gaming, it was a kids novelty, and didn't have the online social media culture that it enjoyed after their was a broadband connection and a Sony Playstation 2 in most every living room across the globe. In the 90s testing stage for high end electronics and gaming, Japan was the tech giant. This game says "Last Bronx" but it's more like "Neo Tokyo." It had to have been pretty revolutionary for the time, and yet it looks very much like some thing most of us western yuppies would turn away at.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop, the series: Officer Missing *"Winter is coming".... Land of the Dead... The Purge.... A Christmas Carol (Well, maybe not that one), Robocop did it first.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Gong Show with Dave Attell: Season 1 Episode 8 *This show yips off into the sunset (cancelled, deservingly, I'm guessing) like a balloon animal dog from the sphincter of a sword swallower. It was riding a flaming pogo stick. The straw that broke the camel's back was heavy metal cookie monster or large man in diaper strip tease.* 2 stars

Robert Crumb: Despair *"You may not think it's funny, but I've got a morbid sense of humor."* close to 3 stars

"Power Instinct: Matrimelee" (Atlus) --Neo Geo-- *The creepy family members, from "Groove On Fight," are back. This time they're fighting it out, on a televised American Idol type stage, Jerry Springer style. The prize is a hand in marriage. Given its pedigree, and Japanese setting, it's weird as fuck, yet very surprisingly charming.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Kill Or Be Killed" (1980) *Our villain: an escaped Nazi seeking vague revenge by hosting a "Enter the Dragon" type death tournament. Our hero: a mullet-headed, shirtless, karate badass in a tight pair of bell-bottom jeans. He's out to save his girlfriend from the Nazi. Our wildcard: a Game of Thrones type scheming dwarf helping out our karate hero. Our story: pure grindhouse chop sockey cinema.* close to 3 stars

"Rabbit" (Sega Saturn) *Presentation of this game is nice. It reminds me of the new HD Rayman games' colorful eye candy and whimsy joined together with a clever Cartoon Network cartoon like Regular Show or Adventure Time. The fighters each have a beast or spirit animal. It reminds me of sports fanatics and their team mascots. If so many animals weren't endangered, sports fans would be worse than an old school Ruskie with a dancing bear. There would be a stadium full of Eagles fans each with their own personal bald eagle to show off. Dolphins fans would have a kids swimming pool, in the living room beneath the big screen, sporting a live dolphin who they'd feed anchovies off of their pizza to. Another thing about these fighting games, why are all the people in the background so unaffected by the brawls? They're always nicely eating a bowl of noodles in an outdoor cafe or riding a bicycle with a monkey or.....* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Waku Waku 7" (Sunsoft) -1996- *While watching lemmings hop around musically, on this game, I had an epiphany. Fellas we are never gonna get around to building those war robots out of our spare lawnmower and washing machine parts. Ladies, our obese house cats aren't gonna magically start talking and giving us humorous life advice to share on social media. Don't fret, we'll always have the Japanese to create our crazy dreams. That is unless a giant, radiated salamander, with a taste for human sushi, crawls up on the sands of some south Pacific beach.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Streets of Rage 3" (SEGA) *It's a typical beat 'em up story. The evil Mr. X is controlling the city with his band of street punks. Our heroes: Dr. Zan (the bald fu-manchu sporting head of a martial arts sensei badass on top of a cyborg body riding around on rocket skates), this ninja chick in a short minskirt, a blonde Ken Masters look-a-like kung fu street fighter, and a token 90s black kid who loves basketball so much he won't put down his b'ball. They have to battle through wave after wave of mercs and pick up turkey dinner power ups.* 2 1/2 stars

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst --------

Russian Terminator: *"that's what friends ARE! for" also an Anna Nicole look-a-like, a Kenny Rogers look-a-like, and a ninja.* 2 very awkward stars

Ninja Vengeance: *"Ninja" (a horrible one) John Tesh look-a-like on the run from the Klan in the backwoods of a hicksploitation town.* 1 1/2 stars

Never Too Young To Die: *Heart-throb John Stamos, sexy "Vanity" who's a Prince protege, and chick with a dick Gene Simmons is the rockstar who plays the over the top villain.* 2 stars

Red Letter Media ranks them best to worst as Russian T., Never Too Y., and Ninja V.*

---------------------------------

Freddy Krueger in "Mortal Kombat" (2011) *Freddy mocked the rising popularity of video games in "Freddy's Dead." Two decades later, he returns to the mockery. Released a couple years after the toothless remake, this tongueless appearance by Freddy is sorely missing Robert Englund's macabre wordplay.* 1 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Identity Crisis ----

*Jeff Conaway, and the sheriff from Friday the 13th: Part 6, give this episode a level of Tales from the Crypt "star power." The story is the 'Family Ties' zeitgeist of the its time period. The spirit of the 60s (hippies) versus the spirit of the 80s (yuppies).* close to 3 stars

*Teenage pound puppies. Emo pound puppies.* 1 1/2 stars for most of the episode 2 1/2 stars for the Freddy dreamhouse sequences

---------------------------

Forensic Files: Postal Mortem *Radioshack enthusiast who's a 'Hercules Bullseye Bomber' and master forger of Mormon historical documents.* 2 1/2 stars

Wizards and Warriors: Skies of Death *Doomsday cannon on the cliffs of doom.* 3 stars

Attack On Titan: Episode 2 *Giving a new meaning to "in your face." A term that I don't care for, but here it comes to represent humongous, naked, grinning humans stomping up in one's personal space to chow down on that person like a corndog. The emotions of the kids, and the dread of the situation for them, keeps everything from getting too out of hand as a spectacle.* 3 stars

The Cinema Snob: The Pierre Kirby Saga *A more-than-competent action badass from a handful of less-than-competent Hong Kong action exploitation "movies."* 3 stars for Snob's retrospect and close to 2 stars for the "movies"

Look Around You: Iron *Point point zero point, ring the bell and the experiment can begin within the twinkling of an eye that is hidden behind a metal face shackle.* 2 1/2 stars

VH1 Classics --- Pop Up Video --- (The Big 80's) -------

a-ha - "Take On Me": Few Americans stuck around to notice that this internationally popular Swedish band lasted long after their early 1980s one hit wonder and only broke up after the 1994 Winter Olypics in which they were featured European band.* 3 plus stars for the pop ups and 3 classic MTV stars for the original video

Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield": 30 year old Pat portrayed a 16 year old runaway "too controversial for MTV prostitute" in this video.* 3 plus stars with pop ups and close to 3 stars MTV classic without

John Cougar - "Jack & Diane": One guy lived in a coma for 37 years. He wasn't doing a lot of handclapping and air drumming like Johnny Cougar was doing in this video.* 3 stars with pop ups between 2 1/2 and 3 stars without

Lionel Richie - "Hello": Lionel loves for all of his video vixens to have the same hairstyle as he does.* 3 stars with pop ups 2 1/2 stars, cheesy stars, without pop ups

Van Halen - "Hot For Teacher": This unruly music video caused the child stars to eventually become unruly like the real life Van Halen.* 3 plus stars with pop ups 3 sleazy stars without pop ups

--------------------------

Viper: Mind Games *A sleeper saboteur, a vixen viper, and a truckload of disease.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Twisted Tales #10 ----------------- (Bruce Jones, Bernie Wrightson, Bill Wray, Rick Geary)

Beer: A story of ribbing greenhorns up where the tree-line ends and the green turns to white snowy mountains, and there be yeti's who drive a hard bargain and a sled.* 3 stars

One For The Money: A cat-burglar gets caught and commits murder. He assumes a bear-suit disguise and flees to the woods where he gets gunned down by hunters.* 2 1/2 stars

Hatchet Job: Scientists go back and time and bumble trying to solve the Lizzie Borden murders. ha.* 2 1/2 stars

Two For The Show: A retelling of the earlier cat-burglar tale. This time the party guest kills the intruder, then takes the jewels for himself. Instead of getting shot by a pair of hunters, he gets mauled by a mother grizzly bear. The irony.* close to 3 stars

A haggard man buys a bed from a used store for his sick daughter to rest on her deathbed as she gets out of the hospital. That night, he's visited by the ghost of a girl haunting the bed that died in it, years earlier, in a torn down orphanage fire.* 3 stars, I guess...

Poison in the Pantry: A miserable and mistreated wife and stepmother puts rat poison in the family's soup. She dreams of even better days, from behind bars.* 3 stars

-------------------------------

Hill Street Blues: Life. Death. Eternity... *Etcetera.* 3 stars

X Files: Tooms *Skinner, the Smoking Man, and one of the best "monster" villains ever on the show.* 3 stars

Twitch City: I'm Fat and I'm Proud *Every episode of every tv show ever on tape. And almost everything else a slacker could ever want, for all seasons, except love? And the ability to exit comfortably into society.* 3 stars

Real Pulp Comics #1 *Perverse and humorous tales of skid row lowlifestyle in the babyboom generation's peak.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Neurostim *Football, Fast-Food, Fantasy. counter-Fucking-revolutionary.* 3 stars

Farscape: Nerve *Infiltrating a Peacekeeper base, and meeting the Peacekeeper's Darth Vader (Scorpius).* 3 stars

Look Around You: Brain *"Pretty smart for something that looks like a common garden cauliflower."* close 3 stars

Forensic Files: Micro Clues *Tiny communities of freshwater creatures ring out truth and justice from the lungs of a drowned boy of a Swiss village.* 2 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 10 *Call the doctor, call the nurse, these guys (King and Lars) are goofy and getting worse.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

---Animal Planet--- I Was Bitten: The Walker County Incident *"Animal Planet, surprisingly human." Unsurprisingly stupid. Far more entertaining than the usual (Finding Bigfoot) cryptozoology reality tv whore idiots. Points for the twist ending prank gotcha moment.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

======= Trash TV ---- Seasons Finale ------ Marathon ===================

Forensic Files: Something's Fishy *The cyanide tainted Excederin pain reliever panic of the early 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

Forensic Files: Sealed With A Kiss *Psycho teacher stalks herself and then frames a rival faculty member.* close to 3 stars

Forensic Files: Deadly Parasites *Shit leaked into Lake Michigan contaminates the Milwaukee water supply and kills over a hundred people.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --- Murder House: Afterbirth *The "Murder House" is back on the market at a reduced prices. Also, ghosts can slit other ghosts' throats and they bleed ghost blood. Who knew? They even like to celebrate the season of giving (Christmas) with all the trimmings of the living.* either 1 star or 3 stars for a balls out finale

American Horror Story --- Asylum: Madness Ends *Lana Winters (the reporter from AHS: Asylum) is no Edison Carter (the reporter from Max Headroom). And so concludes this chapter of American Melodrama. Horror's end is supposed to be wrapped up in neat little bows of tenderness... EH? No? Ok.* 2 1/2 stars, I guess

American Horror Story --- Coven: Go To Hell *"I made you die those little deaths." Hell is a fried chicken shack. Ghosts need passports for travel. Who knew? Paula Deen isn't really sorry. She's just sorry that she was caught.* close to 3 stars

American Horror Story --- Coven: The Seven Wonders

*Welcome to the World Series of witchcraft. Let the Harry Potter games begin.

I especially got a chuckle out of the girls just wanna have fun teleportation game of tag that happened right after the hippie witch got stuck in her own personal "8th grade biology dissection of a frog" hell.

It would seem like black humor, but I think it's not meant to be. It's just poor writing.

Take for instance how the redheaded hag/nag says that the new supreme witch can't have a "Whitewater scandal" to be a blemish on her new leadership.

So, she demands to be burned alive in the most soap opera dramatic and laughable way possible to the Stevie Nicks music that's playing throughout the show (the show even begins like a Stevie Nicks music video. *rolls eyes*).

Since the new Coven is going public (kind of like a corporation joining the New York Stock exchange and opening all their books up, or whatever), one would think that committing an act of murder (the witch burning) might somehow leak out and be frowned upon eventually leading to scandal.

Anyway, that aside, "The Axe Man" and "Fiona" carry the show with their charisma and moody moments together, as usual.

We get another feel good ending, for some reason, because that's horror, according to the producers of this show and the Fox musical GLEE.

Why are these guys pretending to do horror?

I did appreciate Fiona's return from the dead, before dying again (Ha), reminding me of Interview With A Vampire's scene where Tom Cruise crawls out of the swamp after being gatorbait left for dead by his gloomy boyfriend and porcelain doll daughter.

Also, in closing, Fiona's version of hell was quite fitting and moody compared to the pretentious and childish versions of hell for all the other characters.

For example; the annoying good teenager chick's hell beat out the annoying bad teenager chick's hell for level of awfulness.

And that was an accomplishment.

The bad chick's hell was being stuck on a Hollywood musical that she didn't like. *Snot*

The good chick's hell was having her James Dean wannabe boyfriend breaking up with her every day. *Vomit*

I guess hell is happening here on earth for every emo 16 year old all the time.

I have already wasted too many words on most of this pile stinky fish guts.*

running from around 1 1/2 stars a lot of the time up to 2 1/2 stars at different moments

==========================================================================

"Sacred Cow Halloween Special" circa 1993 (All Hallow's Eve? Why not? It's June) *Early 1990s public access tv special featuring a lot of low-fi indie music videos from bands who don't give a shit and live call in guests to the hosts and Bill Hicks in hell. Plus the legend, Bill Hicks, pulls out the home video footage of where he stood in the neighboring cow pasture, and ranted about the government, while Janet Reno rolled tanks with flamethrowers through the walls of a crazy cult so that they could charbroil children. Yep, have a happy trick r' Summer treat and roast in the heat.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Belief" =================================

*Early 90s Nickelodeon took time to educate kids, where modern Nick tries to sell them tweeny bopper pop star insipid kid sitcoms.

Stories here include:

The City of the Dead that lies beneath Paris.

History lesson about how the Greeks burned half the Roman, enemy, fleet using solar energized shields.

Sadly poetic tale of The Elephant Man and his time in a London hospital.

Important message about conservation and protecting endangered animals. "Don't cut down the rainforest." Man, I have fond memories of "earth friendly" science lessons during my childhood school years. A really hopeful, positive time.

We visit the Cabaret Mechanical Theater featuring robotic dolls & toys (creepy and cool).

Some funny laws, around the world, are discussed like the illegal carrying of ice cream cones in your pocket in Kentucky and so on.

Cursed opera causes God to smite anyone the opera singer looks at while singing, "Oh, God smash him!"

We meet a 17 year old autistic genius artist who can draw any London monument or building. Autism was still misunderstood, greatly, during this time.

A visit to an old magician's backyard where he displays to us a new, old trick.

Finally, it's a history lesson about Westerners reluctance at first and then being sold on the idea and practice of embalming the corpses of their loved ones for funeral display.

Great stuff.

-Classic commercials include:

Scram Ball, "the hot new game."

Bubble tape, the bubble gum that's hard for grandma to eat.

Murray mountain bikes are so rugged that they can help a 10 year old outrun his 16 year old bro's pickup truck on rocky terrain.

A Fresh Prince of Bel'Air kid is tired of being told "no" so he eats Raisin Bran for some reason....

A gang of 90s tv kids have a video cam corder scavenger hunt thanks to McDonalds.*

close to 3 stars

=======================================================

Police Squad: A Substantial Gift (WLS7-Chicago) 3 - 4 - 1982 =============

*First we get a commercial for a home electronics and appliance store. Man, the 70s and early 80s had such an ugly color decor thing going on. Putrid greens, tans, yellows, and dingy greys going on everything from fridges to stoves to dishwashers to carpet to vaccuumcleaners. Some nice pics of walls of the very popular, at the time, ghetto blaster boom boxes (nice).

"Blast From The Past," Saturday at 6:30 featuring a dapper dude brushing his wavy hair and a go go chick hula hooping. The 80s were really nostalgic for the 50s.

And, now with a flashing red siren we're told we'll be watching Police Squad "In Color." The show starts out with a woman who's being stuck for cash by a crooked orthodonist. Ha. She kills her loan clerk boyfriend and frames a poor sap trying to get the loan in a double homicide.

A hazy looking Loren cosmetics commercial

followed by a movie trailer for the insipid Oscar bait movie "On Golden Pond."

Leslie Nielsen shows up to the crime, knocking over trash cans with his cop car. Funny sight gag of the meat wagon boys taking out an extra, extra long body on an extra, extra long stretcher. They find a way to work in the old type "Who's on first!?" joke to her formal statement of the crime.

The forensic lab guy is a wacko.

A visit to the victim's wife, and Nielsen rambles on about himself (ha) during her grief.

The killer dame shows up to give her official statement looking like an obvious fink in a new fur coat and feathered boa.

We get a funny scene where one cop's so tall his head is off camera.

"Crisp and clean" "No Caffeine" "Never had it, never will." "Feelin' up with 7 'Up."

A pretty model girl walks around fields of amber grains waving while sporting a "Cover Girl Face."

Benson & Open All Night are part of the ABC Friday Night line up.

Lieutenant Nielsen re-enacts the crime by actually shoothing his fellow officers, leaving a pile of bodies while he ponders the crime. Ha.

Cops and Priests (What do you know about life after death? *hands over a 20$*) seek confidential information from a shoe shine man.

Medieval orthodontist gear is highlighted via willingly happy kids wearing headgear. Leslie does some dental exam physical comedy.

Some oblivious cops sight gags in an elevator. Clever stuff.

Showdown with the dirty dame featuring bad wigs and a bullet filled Mexican standoff from a couple feet away from each other behind trash cans and a sidewalk bus bench. Bullhorn "Give it up!" warning from just as close a length.

New Aim mint is the talk of the whiteboy locker room..

Sexy as heck, and wet in a pool, Lynda Carter likes her lips "wet." Mmmmmm

Stay Tuned for Bossom Budies and "Night of 100 Stars"

Old school, syndicated television. Can't beat it.*

3 stars

=========================================================================

MTV's Ridiculousness with special guest Dr. Drew Pinsky *Normally this poor kid's America's Funniest Home Videos for skateboard wiggers, hosted by a skateboard wigger & his black friend & his airheaded blonde friend, would get zero stars for its unfunny commentary on outdated extreme sports accident videos and mishap/ prank videos.... but since quack pop-psychiatry tv celebrity "doctor" Drew is on here and giving insight into the social problems many of these fools, in these foolish videos, do happen to supposedly have... Well, it's more absurd and tolerable.* close to 2 stars

"Five Fingers Of Death" *It's the formula tale of bullies terrorizing a town, and the heroes finally standing up to them. It could be a western, an 80s surfing/ski resort movie, but here it's a Shaw brothers kung fu flick. Many hipsters will recognize the Kill Bill music that Tarantino stole from this film.* 3 stars

Tom Green's Subway Monkey Hour --2002-- *Tom Green will probably always be infamous for the terrible "Freddy Got Fingered," and he deserves it. This hour long MTV special featuring Tom being the weirdest Westerner possibly ever in Japan is way better than that awful Hollywood mistake of a "movie." In fact, it's a dozen times more interesting than the Jackass movies that borrow the skit after skit format of this special. Add an extra thirty minutes of footage from this trip to Japan, which I'm sure they had, and it would have been a better choice to be released in movie theaters instead of "Freddy Got Fingered."* close to 3 stars

Tales From The Crypt: Lover Come Hack To Me *Car trouble on a desolate road on the honeymoon night. The couple seeks shelter in an old-dark-house. There's a cozy fireplace with a big, medieval axe hanging above it. A storm is raging outside. The bride is a strange, little virgin. The groom is a sleazy bohunk acting surprised to have found a 45 magnum in his glove box. She wonders if he married her for the money (no surprise, he did). Bloody memories haunt the place same as their "romance." It's the perfect setting for mur-der (*Thunder & Lightning!*)...* 3 stars

Six Feet Under: The Will *Diving board death. Pyramid scheme. Backstreet Boy look-a-like douchey boyfriend. Meeting of gay firemen. Breaking up with Ed Begley Jr. Blackmail from beyond the grave. Selling a slightly used coffin at a discount rate. Burning someone's name into your flesh. Buyout offer. Emotional breakdown on the bus that killed the father. Toe suck.* close to 3 stars

100 Bullets: The Counterfifth Detective (Vertigo Comics) *Piano bar without a piano player. A private dick wrapped up like the Invisible Man. Stolen art with codes from one's past. A damaging echo.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Justified: Season 1 Episode 5 *The cowboy's pa is an outlaw.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Resurrector *Going away presents for a ghost and a sacrifice to the devil.* close to 3 stars

Kung Fu: Nine Lives *"Find a cat or be a tramp all your life." "Dark and vain are the ways of lust, the poet said." or something of that nature...* 3 stars

"Master of the Flying Guillotine" *A bloody martial arts tournament, where every fighter has a unique gimmick or style, is interrupted by a badass villain using his flying guillotine to pull the heads off of every one armed boxer that he finds until he gets his revenge. He finds out that he's not as badass as the real one armed boxer. This flick had to have had a huge influence on both Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat.* 3 stars

Doctor Who: The Satan Pit *A claustrophobic, high stakes sci fi story similar to The Thing, Leviathan, and Alien.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Horror Express" (Christopher Lee & Peter Cushing) *It's about time, some cryptozoology monster goodness. Finding Bigfoot type nonsense has almost killed the fun in this fantasy genre. It helps that this movie is Hammer horror style and has Lovecraftian-dread overtones.* 3 stars

Gerhard's America: Gerhard at NASCAR *Gerhard finds he has a lot in common with effeminate racer Michael Waltrip.* close to 2 1/2 stars

------ TV Carnage:

*A Lot Of Men Collect Barbie Dolls: "It's a professional hobby, now." Nothing weird, at all here.* 2 stars

*A Woman's Guide To Guns and Hallucinating: Learn about your weapon, instead of fantasizing about it.* close to 2 stars

*Aids = Hump Day Poison!: The 80s were all about high risk behavior.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Child Actor Failures: Are you being rigid enough or in some cases too rigid with your little gold-mine?* close to 3 stars

*Damn Shame: It's a shame that white boy thugs get gunned down every day. Call America's Most Wanted or Yo! MTV Raps with any info on the possible killer.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Big Trouble In Little China

*Joe Bob pokes fun at the culture of addiction.

We learn about Carter Wong, the martial arts expert who stars in the movie. Amazing credits to his kung fu game.

Preview for TNT's new classic "The Golden Child" starring Eddie Murphy

quirky KIA suv car commercial from 1998 featuring cliche gator hunting / swamp loving Cajuns who'd be the type in reality shows more than a decade later. It's funny here, sort of, but tiresome if you live in this era of bad reality tv "real folk" like this.

preview for Jacki Chan's "Rumble in the Bronx" and its American cable tv debut on TNT

a yuppy mom tries to stuff a pizza into her toaster, but doesn't have to anymore because some processed junk food company invented toaster pizza snacks. "White lady/mom problems"

Kim Cattral is gorgeous, in this movie, and not an old whore who'd make you swear off women like she would after her Sex in the City days

SNL's Weekend Update anchor Kevin Nealon sells out for a collect call "so 90s it hurts" advertisement. One good thing about cell phones is that these ads disappeared

Joe Bob's Drive In Totals for this flick: 57 dead bodies... One kidnapping... Four motor vehicle chases... One wheelchair chase... One White-Slavery Ring... Yellow-Slavery Ring... One Machine Gun Massacre... One Machete Battle... Multiple Blue Finger-Flame... One Zombie-fied Levitating 2,000-Year-Old Man With Really Bad Fingernails... Exploding Building...Exploding Temple... Knife To The Forehead... One Ocean of Chained Skeletons... One Palace Of Golden Buddhas... Poison Gas... Nine Kung Fu Scenes...

Racquelle Welch in One Million BC, another drive in classic, next week on Monstervision

Some Hollywood stunt-men cowboys beat the shit out of each other for a Pontiac "Montana" minivan. Sure, why not?

Soulful 70s singer-songwriter Aflac family insurance ad, family station wagon Tru Value helpful employee kidnapping ad, Home Depot helpful employees..., some bruthas turn a stranger's need for directions into a roadtrip down the road for some McDonalds.... 90s commercials tried to be really feel good, but come off very insipid

"Tired of Phony Psychics?" Generic graphics of lightning strikes and huge yellow background typed letters plus a doe eyed weirdo lady claiming to have certified psychics for her phone network.... "Guaranteed Authentic by the U.S. Govt." HAAAA.... wow! what a claim!

Joe Bob pines about how there aren't perfect women in the world, and how guys give up women over nail color, comparing it to the plot of the movie being about the search for a perfect, green eyed Chinese chick

Then, Joe Bob skewers the politically correct critics, of this movie, who said that Big Trouble re-enforced Asian stereotypes.

Kitschy style Miller Lite commercial where four old ladies try to contact the spirit of one lady's dead husband. He's a slab, of course, and comes back to life, possessing the body of one of her friends, raiding the fridge for beer and scratching his (her) ass. She's overjoyed.

Kellog's Breakfast Mates... A commercial that's basically saying, "Let corporate America continue to "raise" your children." It's convenient.

Joe Bob teaches us about Kurt Russell's ties to Elvis and Disney and John Carpenter

TNT updates its Monstervision website "once a week." Current people and websites, of the internet(s), update every second of the day. Waiting a week for something new is almost as painful as the information (nonsense) overload of right now.

Dennis Miller is in line at a hipster coffe shop complaining about the price of "a cup of Joe" and the price of collect calls. If he sounds like a cranky and out of touch old man here, wait til a decade later where he's rambling incoherently to his best pal Mr.Bill O'Reilly on Fox News.

Two 90s alterna-chicks having a conversation: "One day we'll meet, marry, and have cyber sex with the man of our dreams online." Robert Englud cameo in Dee Snider's Strangeland

Joe Bob points out that there's a "not so incognito" Penthouse Pet in this flick

TNT Mail Girl Reno gets asked to how much it would take to "get nekkid" by Joe Bob, and then he reads an angry letter from an upset liberal who loves freedom so much that he wants to ban free speech that he doesn't like by calling it "hatred." Ha. Joe Bob made a joke about "killing liberals" or something and this guy got his feelings hurt. Boo hoo.

Joe Bob rips TNT a new asshole for taking an awful commercial break, featuring about 14 insipid 90s "feel good" commercials, during the EPIC kung fu finale. Being on TNT, and not too late in the night unlike TNT's 100% Weird, Monstervision suffered some really lame commercials. USA UP All Night usually had more lame B movies instead of good B movies, yet they featured a lot more entertaining and sleazy commercials compared to Monstervision Other, late night basic cable and UHF B movies had better commercials than TNT as well. Fucking TNT. So schmaltzy and sickening. You watch a weird, late night movie, you want weird late night commercials, and you want them not to interrupt the best part of the movie. You don't want a great kung fu scene stopped to have five minutes of sepia toned artsy cinematography of elderly couples slow dancing in the shadow of the Brooklyn bridge while romantic piano music plays and there's a warm feeling about life insurance or some crap.

Roll Credits.*

3 stars for Big Trouble (For fun and memorable characters, it's to the 80s what A New Hope was to the 70s) 3 stars for Joe Bob and 1 star for TNT's bullstuff

---------------------------------------------------------------------

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Caught In The Web, Staying Safe in Cyberspace: Surfin' with a cyber sleuth and stopping smut and sickos both online and in the real world. If any of this is actually real.* close to 3 stars

*Check It Out _ Acne Video: "Hip" teen talk show infomercial about bogus zits.* 2 1/2 stars

*Chef Keith _ Fake Chef Pranks Morning TV Shows: You can make one of those creepy smiling talking head news morning show hosts believe that "The average person eats around a pound and a half of feces a year." HA! Most of the feces comes from morning talks shows.* 3 stars

*Christian Rock Video Showdown: We're all a wiener slash loser with these bands that are a even more soft rock cross between Journey, Foreigner, Kenny Loggins, and a hairy butt.* close to 3 stars

*John and Johnny and Earrings: Homeshopping host is giddy about seashell earrings.* close to 2 stars

--------------------------------

Fargo: The Six Ungraspables *There are no saints in the animal kingdom, only breakfast... lunch.. and dinner.* 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Burlington, Vermont *Home of laidback liberals and Lochness lizards.* 2 1/2 stars

Vanity Fair, Confidential: Mad About the Boys *Lou Pearlman loved to hear singing from voices that hadn't yet gone through puberty. He also loved hot air balloons and ponzi schemes. No surprise that the super-rich sponsor of a creepy cult of child entertainers was not-so-secretly a pig-man spawn of Satan himself.* 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Born Again *Mustache'd cop working Chinatown. He gets killed by some shady colleagues. Years later, he returns as a very gloomy little-girl with special powers and vengeance on her(his) mind.* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Checkmate *On a wing and a prayer and unfortunately an air of authority.* 3 stars

----- TV Carnage:

*Dr. Drew and MTV Got Cold Feet: Could be worse. Could be dead like Corey Haim and his girlfriend. Killed by Brigette Nielsen, Stallone and Flava Flav's ex.* close to 2 stars

*TV Carnage: Dixie Carter Death Trip: Designing women to be strangely obnoxious.* 2 stars

*Even His Scream Is Bad Acting: Bohunk (Dumb goodlooking American guy. Not the dictionary definition which insults someone from Europe.) slasher victim.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Give Head Responsibly: Consult your doctor before giving or receiving.* 2 1/2 stars

*God Gives A Second Chance To Anyone. It's In His Book: Especially to those with a Pat Boone singing style and a new book coming out about second chances.* close to 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------

Hannibal: Sorbet *Hannibal has a stalker/fan/wannabe BFF who compares him to Michael Jackson. Meanwhile, Hannibal keeps recipes of people on their business cards.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Look Around You: Music (season 2) *The show's format has completely changed to an in studio info / variety presentation, and while it's no longer the mock science docu-series that it started out as, it's still silly and clever. Plus, it's longer at a half hour.* 2 1/2 stars

Game of Thrones: Season 3 Episode 9 *This show is good and shockingly heavy, as usual, but I watch it in a way that would more than frustrate diehard fans. I'm seasons behind where everyone else is, and I have no concern as to when I see the next chapter.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Executioners from Shaolin *At the heart of this movie is a dysfunctional kung fu family. On the wedding night, the groom can't get the bride's legs open because her crane style is too strong. Mother teaches son crane style kung fu and they playfully use it even when she's trying to wash the family's clothes. Dad can't even sit down to a good meal, because son wants to test dad's tiger style kung fu.* 3 stars

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acreatureofmypen · 6 years

Text

Gonna do this cuz im bored af

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? no

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? like sometimes the dark is great but other times some creepy shit goes down so like it differs

3. The person you would never want to meet? honestly? this girl named bianca who dumped a friend of mine that i didn’t even know was gay/bi/pan/other

4. What is your favorite word? fans (both kinds)

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? the dead ones

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? ‘it’s cold and I’m wearing a sweatshirt’

7. What shirt are you wearing? a black longsleeve pj shirt

8. What do you label yourself as? stardust

9. Bright room or dark room? dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? waiting for santa

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? the golden age

12. Who told you they loved you last? my mommy

13. Your worst enemy? material or metaphysical?

14. What is your current desktop picture? ok it’s this really funny twilight diss meme

15. Do you like someone? I like 2 someones maybe kinda sorta

16. The last song you listened to? havana *cringes* it was the radio

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? trump

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? trump

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? trump, and impeach himself

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) hair

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? I’d look like myself and I’d parade around as trans just to piss people off

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? if I twist my arm the right way, it cracks like ten times

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? candles

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. soybutter and jelly

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? college

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? norway

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? some sorta spiked gatorade

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? free internet with the fastesr speeds ever

29. What is your favorite expletive? mothafrickin

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? i hate these questions sorry no answer

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? not getting an acting agent before the age of 7

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! norway

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? fred weasley

34. What was your last dream about? a summer camp I went to

35. Are you a good singer? I like to think so but probably not

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yup

37. Have you ever built a snowman? yup

38. What is the color of your socks? what socks

39. What type of music do you like? anything as long as it’s good

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? set that mothafrickin sun

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? empty

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) Chicago Red Stars (female soccer)

43. Do you have any scars? yup one on my lip from stitches but it doesn’t look badass at all

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? famous

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? the shape of my face

46. Are you reliable? I like to think so but probably not

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? “are you famous?”

48. Do you hold grudges? don’t really have anyone to hold a grudge against

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? a talking flying horse

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? Well someone I had just met started telling me about their sex fantasies...they were 19...

51. Are you a good liar? I like to think so but probably not

52. How long could you go without talking? like forever as long as I’m not in school

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? I had bangs once...

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? yup I like baking

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? I like my british accent but like the only other person who does is like...one person.

56. What do you like on your toast? soy butter

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? probably some effed up flower or shit

58. What would be you dream car? a flying car

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. um I sing that’s really all

60. Do you believe in aliens? no

61. Do you often read your horoscope? yeah

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? e

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? dragons

64. What do you think about babies? they’re chubby. I love it.

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kyliafanfiction-archive · 7 years

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What about Frillow for the ship meme?

Just as a warning, I do not like this pairing at all and its very existence continues to bamboozle me since I think it comes from nearly nowhere, though everyone else is more than allowed to ship it.

That said, here’s the meme

General:

How long will they last? - I can’t imagine them lasting very long, but I doubt they’d get together if they didn’t think it would last, so wtf?

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - Slowly

How was their first kiss? - Probably a little unexpected and hesitant

Wedding:

Who proposed? - I imagine Willow would have

Who is the best man/men? - Cordelia is Fred maid of Honor, Xander is Willow’s ‘man of honor’,

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Wesley and Gunn are the Bridesmen, Buffy and Dawn are Willow’s bridesmaids

Who did the most planning? - Fred

Who stressed the most? - Willow

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Willow’s awful absentee parents. Not that they’d have come if invited anyway because they’re so awful and absentee

Sex:

Who is on top? - Not a clue

Who is the one to instigate things? - No earthly idea

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now Both characters seem to have a healthy sexual appetite, so if they’re together, they’d probably have a fair amount

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head Not a clue

How long do they normally last? - As long as they want to keep going? I suppose depends on the context

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Probably

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. I dunno, that’s my guess

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - None

How many children will they adopt? - two

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - They adopt past the diaper stage

Who is the stricter parent? - Fred

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Fred

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Willow. Fred would just give them mexican every day, and while they like Mexican, they like variety too :P

Who is the more loved parent? - Both

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? Both. And they have driven the bad teachers to tears at times

Who cried the most at graduation? - Willow

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Willow

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Willow?

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Fred

Who does the grocery shopping? - They do it together

How often do they bake desserts? - Often enough

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Salad slightly more? I dunno

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Willow?

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Fred.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Neither

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Depends on the room, who’s in it at the time, how annoyed they are by the particular uncleanesses, etc

Who is really against chores? - Neither

Who cleans up after the pets? - Fred cleans up after the dog, Willow cleans the fish tank

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? Fred?

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Willow

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Fred

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Willow

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Fred

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Not often. They usually go to a friend’s house for a holiday

What are their goals for the relationship? - Happiness? What else?

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Fred?

Who plays the most pranks? - Willow

Send Me a Ship!

#Winifred Burkle #Willow Rosenberg #Send Me a Pairing #sweet-but-mostly-sour

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cordeliataras · 7 years

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yo buffy & willow for that meme pal

General:Rate the Ship -  Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | (I like it! )| Got Pics? | (Let’s do it!) | (Why is this not getting more attention?!) | The OTP to rule all other OTPsHow long will they last? -For the rest of their lives.How quickly did/will they fall in love? - In high school,but they didn’t fully realize that until later.How was their first kiss? -It was great and made them fully realize how much they like each other.Wedding:Who proposed? - Probably Buffy.Who is the best man/men? -Giles and Angel.Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Dawn,Faith,and Fred.(Tara,Cordelia and Anya as well in an AU where they are still alive.)Who did the most planning? - Buffy,because she likes the idea of planning a romantic wedding.Who stressed the most? - Buffy,because of all the planning.How fancy was the ceremony? -  Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | (4) | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - No one who isn’t dead.Sex:Who is on top? - I could see either one of them.Who is the one to instigate things? -It depends.How healthy is their sex life? -  Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | (6) | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right nowHow kinky are they? -  Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | (3) | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s headHow long do they normally last? - I don’t know enough to properly answer this.Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Yes.How rough are they in bed? -  Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | (4)| The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? -  No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | (They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.)Children:How many children will they have naturally? -None.How many children will they adopt? -2 Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Maybe Willow because Buffy should probably save some energy for slaying.Who is the stricter parent? -Buffy. Remember how she was with Dawn at first?Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? -Buffy.Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? -Maybe they each pack one?Who is the more loved parent? - Willow.Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?-Maybe Willow.Who cried the most at graduation? - Buffy?Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Both?Cooking: Who does the most cooking? - Willow,I guess.Who is the most picky in their food choice? - I’m not sure.Who does the grocery shopping? - Willow.How often do they bake desserts? - Sometimes.Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - I’m not sure.Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - I can see either one.Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Willow having Buffy take a break from stress?Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Buffy.Chores: Who cleans the room? - Why can I not decide?Who is really against chores? - Neither is extremely against chores. They might just not want to every once in a while.Who cleans up after the pets? -Willow?Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? -Buffy.Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? -Buffy?Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? -Buffy.Misc:Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Buffy.Who takes the dog out for a walk? -Maybe Willow.How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? -Every holiday. Buffy likes being festive.What are their goals for the relationship? -To stay together and persevere through tough times.Who is most likely to sleep till noon? -Maybe Willow on occasion? I’m pretty sure being a Slayer means Buffy doesn’t need to sleep as often.Who plays the most pranks? - I’m not sure if I see either playing that many pranks.

#neonbars #ask

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ruffoverthinksthings · 7 years

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Can you do Cheddie or BenxJordan for the ship meme? Idk where you find the list exactly, but here are questions I see often around the Internet. Who accidentally pushes instead of pulling? Who falls asleep last, watching the other with a smile? Who is physically stronger? Emotionally? Who starts the pillow fights? Who starts the tickle fights? Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines? Who boasts about the other? Who gets jealous? Who hogs blanket? Thx!

This is what I found as there’s SO MANY OF THEM. I also didsomething very different, hope you don’t mind. 1-9 of 30 for now,ask again for the rest in this style, or in the usual simple answersthan what I did, if you’d like.

1.Who is the most affectionate?:

“Good morning, my queen,” Chad said as he wrapped his armsaround Freddie, gave her a kiss on the top of her head. “Makingmore shrunken heads today?” he asked as he looked over her shoulderand at her cauldron.

Freddie chuckled and blushed. “Believe it or not, it’sactually for a catering job; Carlos is having a horror movie marathonand wants the food to be as gooey and messy as the flicks.”

“Well I’m sure you’ll have them screaming indelight,” Chad said. “These hands of yours are magic”.

Freddie scoffed. “Flirt.”

“Want me to stop?”

“Hell no.”

2.Big spoon/Little spoon?:

It felt weird to be cuddling just for fun, not because it wasfreezing, because that’s what her current boyfriend wanted in tradefor keeping her around, or because he was paranoid that she’d sneakaround and steal his stuff, so he’d make it as difficult aspossible for her to get up in the middle of night and do just that.

As Freddie felt Chad’s strong, muscular arms wrapped tightaround her waist, his warm, steady breath on the back of her head,every inch of her body perfectly fitted against his, she had toadmit:

It was a good kind of weird.

3.Most common argument?:

“Chad, I swear if you make another literature referencewhile we’re kissing or fucking, I will permanently exile tothe couch.”

“Aww, where’s your sense of humour, Fred?”

“It died when you quoted the first lines of Dante’s Infernowhile you were going down on me.”

((They do have much more serious arguments, but that’s forlater.))

4.Favorite non-sexual activity?:

“I can’t believe you’ve never tried braiding all thisbeautiful hair of yours,” Chad said as he did just that.“Especially since keep growing it so long!”

“Yeah, well it wasn’t so much a choice, as much as I couldn’tafford to waste my knives’ sharpness on cutting my hair,” Freddiereplied as she sat still, watched her boyfriend’s deftly fingerswork through her dark locks.

“Well all that ends now! Short, long, hell, even bald, just saythe word and I’ll point you to exactly the stylist you needto get your hair however you want it.”

Freddie frowned. “I don’t know, Chad--I’ve been wearing myhair long for all my life... what if I don’t look good withanything other than this?”

Chad smiled warmly at her. “Freddie, it’s you: you alwayslook good.”

((There’s also baking, but I did that already.))

5.Who is most likely to carry the other?:

Never let it be said that Chad Charming didn’t know how to makean entrance.

Trumpets. Song birds and a fucking angelic choir. And of course,to top it all off, the front door burst open with suitably dramaticlight, before Chad himself rode into their living room on the back ofa white horse, though the only thing shining about him was his smile.

Freddie had seen it happen hundreds of times, yet every singleinstance, she could only stop, stare, and try to wrap her head aroundthe fact that this was really happening, again.

“Hail, my darling Frederica!” Chad cried in his mostover-the-top voice possible. “I return from the brutal battlefieldof the Annual Commoner’s Grievance Airing, alive, tired and alittle deaf, but still ready to perform all myhusbandly duties to you, my queen!”

He disembarked from his horse, grinned like a loon as he scoopedher up into his arms, bridal style. “Shall we?”

Freddie blushed and chuckled. “Onwards to our bedchambers, dearhusband!”

“ONWARDS!” Chad bellowed.

He turned around to the various animals and musicians he’dhired, thanked them and dismissed them, before he proudly marchedhimself and his wife into their bedroom, for a no less loud andexhausting but infinitely more pleasant couple of hours.

6.What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?:

“They can’t keep their hands off each other,” they said, andit was true.

Intertwining their fingers. Touching an arm, a shoulder, a thigh.Cuddling, snuggling, hugging.

Be they rough, scarred, and bony, agile and deft from years ofpicking pockets and locks, deft twists of the wrist, and illusionsand tricks meant to dissuade, persuade, and delude; or strong yetsoft and supple from years of strength training, horse riding, andTourney, and meticulous care with the best products you could get inAuradon, they absolutely couldn’t get enough of the other’shands.

“But why hands?” they asked.

Because if she wanted a radiant smile and rippling muscles, shecould have pulled out her phone or taken a stroll down any commercialarea in all of Auradon and look at the advertisements.

Because if he wanted a sly grin and an aura of mischief, he couldhave done the same, except the trip was down the forgotten districtsand cul-de-sacs the Islanders called their Isle away from the Isle.

But if they wanted to do more than look at them, to touch them, tohold them, to feel them, to be more than a fantasy, to know that theywere real—oh so real… well, you needed more than your eyesfor that, for sure.

7.What’s the first thing that changes when they realize theyhave feelings for the other?:

“You headed to the game this Friday?” read the messagefrom Chad.

Had this been sent yesterday—before Freddie had had the lifechanging realization that her feelings for Chad were much more thanfriendly; that she didn’t want to just hang out with him,talk with him about all the things she couldn’t even share withTiana, Tyrone, or Mama Odie, and share her puffed deliciousness justbecause she liked him that much; that she, despite everything shethought, all she knew of herself, and how the way the world works,she actually, truly fell in Love with him—she would havereplied “Yes.” almost reflexively, maybe even put in a wittycomment about when she had refused to come if she had the choice inthe matter.

Now she was staring at her phone, agonizing over it, wonderingwhat to write, typing a few letters out before she deleted them andstarted all over again. She felt so, so sorry for every personshe ever made fun of for stressing out because of a text from theircrush, for she now understood exactly what they felt.

She was interrupted by a knocking on her door. She threw her phoneonto her bed, and tossed a pillow over it—she didn’t want to seeor hear it for a long, long while—before she strode over to herdoor, and threw it open, grateful for whoever had given her the muchneeded distraction…

… Up until she realized said “whoever” was Chad.

“Hey, Fred!” Chad said, casually waving at her with one hand,the other propping himself up on the door frame.

“Chad…!” Freddie squeaked��legitimately, actually fuckingsqueaked. “What are youdoing here…?”

“Well, you haven’t beenanswering any of my texts or calls lately, so I figured I might aswell it out in person, seehow that works out. So, you coming to the game on Friday…?”

“I, uh...” Freddie began tosweat, words that used to come so easily to her suddenly sodifficult, her infamously lose and sharp tongue now tied up in knotsand useless like a drunk that had clumsily swung his fists about andknocked himself out in the process.

Chad’s face softened. “Youdon’t have to if something’s up, which I’m assuming is thecase. This isn’t going to be the last game of Tourney I’ll everplay,” he said, before he knocked on wood—just in case.

Freddie nodded, tried to saysomething but couldn’t.

“So for clarity, is this a ‘No,I won’t be going to the game on Friday?’” Chad asked.

Freddie nodded her head.

Chad smiled. “Alright. Goodnot-talk with you, Fred,” he said, before he left.

Freddie slowly, carefully closedthe door after him, before she put her back to it and slumped down tothe floor.

Evilness, she was sofucked.

8.Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?:

“My Queen, your Highness, your majesty,” because I am yourservant, and you are the voodoo priestess who has me under her spellforevermore.

“Dear Sir Knight,” for you are my protector, he who will swoopin and kick the asses of whoever dares harm me, and save me frommyself.

“Fred,” so you’ll get annoyed and ask me to call you by yourreal, beautiful name, “Frederica.”

“Pretty Boy,” for that’s what you are, so dangerously,distractingly handsome.

9.Who worries the most?:

“You missed your Thursday session with FG yesterday, what’sup?” read Chad’s text.

Freddie sighed as she sat in her room, curled up in one corner,staring at the pillow her phone was hidden under because she justcouldn’t work up the courage to pick it up, turn it back on, readthe text and reply to Chad, tell him she couldn’t get herself outof bed, let alone drag her ass all the way to Fairy Godmother’soffice because she just couldn’t, norhyme, no reason.

Or maybe there was, and she just didn’t have enough shits tofigure it out, put words to it, find some way to be able tocommunicate all the confusing, horrible, painful feelings inside ofher to other people in ways they could understand, or at least givethem some idea of what it was that was going wrong with her now.

Knock-kno-knock-kno-knock-kno-knock-kno-knock-kno-knock-kno-knock-kno-knock-kno-knock.

Freddie didn’t look up.

“Freddie?” Chad asked. “Can I come in?”

She didn’t respond.

Chad opened the door and carefully peered. His eyes swept theroom, until he found Freddie. He stepped in, shut the door behindhim, and walked over to her. “You want to talk about it?” heasked as he sat down beside her on the floor.

Freddie shook her head.

Chad nodded, then looped his arm over her shoulder.

However little, Freddie smiled as she leaned into him, resting herhead on his chest.

No more words were said afterwards, nor did they need them.

#Descendants

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