#fuck christ

[decaflondonfog]

by wand or by knife

rated m (for a v short fade to black moment), <1k

[honestly idk i had this idea and i'm in the trenches due to a long fic that doesn't seem to want to end and this just happened! it's probably pure nonsense]

SIMON

When Baz asked me not to make any plans for today, I didn’t question it. There’s always something going on. A family dinner to celebrate a holiday I never even heard of, drinks with friends I forgot existed that he somehow keeps in touch with, sporting events I am pretty sure are made up until the moment we arrive. I never question it.

Baz could ask anything of me. I don’t know how to say no to him.

I wouldn’t want to, either.

BAZ

I have been doing weird things for Simon Snow for ages now. I’ve decided that at this point it would be weirder to stop.

The idea lodged itself into my brain last week. We were wrapped around each other like we always are: curled up on the sofa together like a creature that separates into two every morning but needs to return to its natural form at night to survive.

The film was rubbish, if you ask me. Simon would probably agree. But he’s easy to ready when it comes to mushy stuff. I always notice when his eyes get all bright and big like that.

I don’t know yet if I’m a grand gesture kind of guy, but I do care a whole lot about making him happy.

SIMON

There are scones for breakfast. When I ask where he got them, he avoids the question and starts talking about research with Penny. When I ask again, he tells me not to worry about it.

That’s not a very Baz thing to say. And they’re just scones. Nothing to be suspicious about, really. Except… they taste exactly like the ones back at Watford.

I put half a dozen away easily, and wash them down with tea he keeps refilling.

It’s a good morning.

BAZ

I tried to remember what I was wearing that day, but I can’t. It was winter, then, so it’s not like it matters, really. It’s too warm for jumpers.

Simon has told me before how much he likes the green shirt, so I go with that. This is not the kind of thing one dresses up for but I don’t know how to not make an effort.

SIMON

That fucking green shirt.

“Simon, come on, I wanna get going.”

I’ll get him going all right.

He’s got the top three buttons open. The green makes his eyes pop, his skin all lovely white marble, peppered with stark black hair. I want to lick all the way from his collarbone and down his sternum. I want to pop all the buttons off on that bloody shirt.

He wouldn’t forgive me for the latter, but I think I can get him on board with the former.

“Snow, for fuck’s sake, now?”

We’re always late when he wears that shirt. It’s not my fault.

“Si— oh, bloody hell, well, don’t stop now!”

Whatever it is we’re doing, we might be late.

BAZ

He’s a bloody demon.

I have to bribe him with food to get him in the car.

SIMON

He better not be joking about getting me more scones. 

BAZ

This is all a bit of a silly plan. I consider turning the car back and taking him out for lunch.

I don’t, for the sake of romance.

SIMON

He’s fidgety. The soft kind, not the nervous kind. I’ve learnt how to tell those apart. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

The music is on quietly, and the windows are down. His hair is up but little wisps of it escape the bobble, flying around his face. It makes me want to reach over and tuck it behind his ear. He fed just this morning, so it should pull a blush out of him, too. I like it when he blushes.

BAZ

“Wait, are we going to…” he trails off.

Finally. I figured he’d get it like twenty minutes ago.

SIMON

My heart is hammering against my ribcage. I check Baz’s trousers for the potential shape of a velvet box through the fabric of his pockets. Nothing, though. Not one thing. No ring.

Why else do people bring their significant others to the spot of their first kiss?

BAZ

“Come on, Snow,” I say, trying to sound more confident than I feel. 

SIMON

I find the place before he does. I didn’t think I’d remember it, but I do. I remember the flames, and the way his lips felt on mine. They feel just as good now, but it’s nice to be less confused about it. And less worried he’ll incinerate himself into a pile of ash, like an idiot.

BAZ

I pull my wand out of my pocket, and then his present. I pass it to him without a word.

SIMON

“I thought you said I was not allowed near knives,” I tell him.

I had a small accident in the kitchen, a few months back. I’ve not tried any knife tricks since then. I have no clue why he’s handing me a pocket knife now.

BAZ

“Come here,” I ask him. He does. I twist him around so he’s bracketed by my body, between the tree and I. “Step forward.”

“Is this a weird vampire thing? Wait, Baz, are you finally turning me?”

“Shut up, Snow.”

He’s still laughing, but it dies down when I mutter the spell and aim at the tree.

The carving is a little wonky, but I’d never used that spell before. His mouth is open and he looks vaguely like he may cry.

He traces the shapes with his fingers when I finish.

SIMON

S+B.

Baz is a romantic fool. I love him so much it hurts.

You’re ridiculous, I want to say. But I’m too scared I’ll cry if I open my mouth. 

“Your turn,” he whispers, kissing behind my ear.

BAZ

He carves the heart around the letters like it’s the easiest thing he’s ever done.

Perfect, magical, incredible Simon Snow. 

SIMON

“I love you,” he says.

And then he kisses me.

#fuck christ #what am i doing #truly unhinged behaviour #to just type a fic and post without even rereading? #apparently that's what i do now #snowbaz #[insert keyboard emoji here] #by wand or by knife #ficlets

[fox-mulder-gets-pegged]

I just wanna say bc I KNOW you're somewhere on tumblr, to the teenage girl who attended Take Your Kid To Work Day at an office building in Ontario, Canada circa 2013 and had a conversation with a middle aged woman in which you showed her your Black Veil Brides fanart and fanfics and ship content and told her about different fanfic tropes including a/b/o verse bc she happened to know who Panic! at The Disco and Fallout Boy were and thus you felt the need to show her your bandblr ship art, that was my fucking mother and I had to clarify all that to her including looking my mother in the eye and trying to explain a/b/o verse without sounding like a lunatic.

It's been 10 years and I still regularly sent evil energies in your direction. Since you'd be probably two years younger than me and thus legally an adult now, please know if this post reaches you it's on sight.

#she cornered me in the car and asked what shipping was and i almost had a fucking heart attack #imagine being like 16 years old and habing to explain knotting to your mother #random emo music girl I'm glad you had fun talking about your Band Guys to my mother #bc i also attended take your kid to work day at that office and i know how boring it was #but christ alive why did you have to fuck me like that? #anyways i hope this post reaches you so at the very least you know i think about you at least once a week #this has been weighing on me for ten years #im almost tempted to blaze this post

[castielsprostate]

i hate you "influencers", i hate you tiktok, i hate you "content creators", i hate you "unalive" and "s€x" and "dr/ügs", i hate you instagram, i hate you consumerism, i hate you family friendly, i hate you puritans, i hate you facebook, i hate you family vloggers, i hate you violating other people's privacy, i hate you modern day social media

#sjonnie.text #i just saw someone make a 50 SECONDS reel about combining movie genres and movies and it was scream and romance and it was 50 SECONDS and #they said “i'm sorry i unalived all those people” go actually fuck yourself. #IF YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORD MURDER KILL DRUGS SEX ETC YOU ARE NOT READY TO HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT THOSE TOPICS #AND SHOULD NOT PRODUCE CONTENT OF IT #i hate this “family friendly” aesthetic jesus fucking christ #text post #anti instagram #anti tiktok #anti influencers #anti capitalism #20k

[samble-moved]

post itself

false flags

trans/adjacent tags

accessibility features

tumblr live post (thanks for the link, @problemnyatic)

flashing / strobing / lights

unblockable flashing ad

buying ad free

staff @/macmanx guilt trip

list of staff + more issues

#post nuked bc proshippers started insulting people who rbed this and implied partyjockers attempted to Kill staff? it was getting old so #archive links still under the cut if you want and you can rb this from others if you want the og #hint: if you dislike this post or want to debunk parts of it the way to go about it isn't to call people who've rbed it 'disgusting little #fuck ups' that are 'spreading anti shipper lies' #note: this post is and was Not about ship discourse jesus fucking christ proshippers get a grip #also ace discoursers are here too? this isn't about you either? #edit 2: if you send me an anon regarding this post about how im policing discussion or 'don't really want it' #but then stop replying when i answer your ask #maybe that's. not helping discussion? #i nuked this post as people started making up false accusations to smear people staff sniped. aka accusing someone of IRL ATTEMPTED MURDERS.

[tom-bakers-scarf]

Spotted this in a second hand bookshop and the whiplash I felt was so strong that I think I’ve discovered another 12 stages of grief

#had a tumblr moment out in the wild #goncharov #it sent me into shock #plus it was under ‘collectibles’ #started questioning my own sanity Jesus Christ I started wondering if someone on here had fucking narrated it and it had somehow reached #this tiny little village shop #the book itself is oblomov by Ivan goncharov btw

[hg-aneh]

more of Crowley as Eggman from the Snapcube real time dubs

#goodomens #good omens #good omens 2 #goodomens2 #good omens fanart #aziraphale #crowley #muriel #gabriel #michael #uriel #metatron #furfur #saraqael #aneh draws #jesus fucking christ #shitpost #jim good omens

[jofiah]

tumblr live is just haunting me but. wait computer enhance

WHO IS AI GENERATING TUMBLR LIVE ICONS

who are these people. what is happening. real cool legitimate feature you guys got here @staff

#are you fucking kidding me #jesus christ #tumblr live #tumblr #kevin james #king of queens #apparently?

[captainharlock]

jesus + vocaloid

#jesus christ #hatsune miku #kagamine rin #kagamine len #gio arts #the people on tiktok FUCKING HATED THIS by the way LMFAO

[dickgirlsdaily]

Fundamentally, if the democrats lose the presidency in 2024, it will not be because of "voter apathy" or "the idealistic left" or Cornell West or whatever third party candidate the liberals end up blaming. It will be because the democrats have failed to meet the lowest standards of many Americans.

You can talk about strategic voting until you're blue in the face, but fundamentally, people need reasons to vote for a candidate. There are people in this country watching as their family members get slaughtered by American arms, sent to Israel by Joe Biden. The people watching their families get murdered in Palestine have no reason to support Joe Biden. How can you ask them to?

"Sorry your family got bombed, but I need you to vote for the man who is directly responsible, or *real* people are going to suffer too."

It was at this point While I was drafting this post that I heard he just started bombing Yemen. It's like he's doing everything in his power to sink his own fucking campaign, are you shitting me? This isn't a matter of "stupid commies not being realistic enough", he's not just working for the status quo; just about every action he has taken since October 7th has been an escalation of conflict in the Middle East and made it worse for everyone living there. This is exactly what I'm talking about.

You can scold people for voting wrong as much as you want, but fundamentally the way that democrats can win elections is by pursuing good policy. If the only argument you can come up with in favor of Joe Biden is that he won't do 1 or 2 of the terrible things that Trump wants to do, then that will simply not appeal to the people who are most intensely affected by Biden's failures (not to mention people who have moral objections to genocide, even when it doesn't affect them). You can scream and cry all you want, people are not going to just overlook his role in the ethnic cleansing of Gaza just because he is the Less Bad Genocider.

If a republican wins the presidency in November, you can blame the hundreds of thousands of voters/nonvoters who should've agreed with you and put aside every moral concern they ever had about the Biden administration... or you can blame the one fucking guy whose massive foreign policy failures are going to tank his re-election campaign.

#us politics #uspol #2024 elections #palestine #biden #yemen #jesus christ are you fucking kidding with attacking Yemen?

[ahaura]

A protestor self-immolated at the entrance of the Israeli consulate in Atlanta, and is reportedly in critical condition.

(Dec. 1)

#palestine #uspol #📁.zip #authorities felt the need to say theres 'no connection to terrorism' and 'no apparent threat' like jesus FUCKING christ.

[mirrorversemcspirk]

this genuinely makes me so insane. kirk speaks and suddenly spock looks like hes just snapped out of a trance. fucking looking down to avoid eye contact. could he be any gayer rn. im gonna punch a wall

#jesus FUCJING christ man #maybe if they just fucked or something man. maybe theyd act normal around each other #star trek #spirk

[bogleech]

I thought this line was so fucking funny in 1987 I horrified multiple adults by adding it to my lexicon and over three decades later it’s actually funnier than I could ever imagine

#CALM THE FUCK DOWN garfield jesus christ #garfield's problematic hot take #cartoons

[onemillionfurries]

#lab notes #tumblr meta #tumblr live #fucking christ

[doggerell]

having a meltdown over the fact that my hair isnt Roman length anymore

#I would be so sad if I cut it rn Im not done with the mullet but #oh jesus #fuck christ #speaking #WHY DONT I LOOK LIKE HIM NOOOOWWWW

[sergle]

when ppl’s “body positive/plus size” art just starts and ends with a big ass

#nothing else? nothing else at all #no other characteristics? hokay #girl that's not a plus sized person that's kim kardashian. i'll fucking KILL you #sergle.txt #like this is positive for no body. this is just regular horny. don't try and tell me this is body posi #like that's fine if you just wanna be horny. call it what it is and stop pretending like you're doing me a favor #draw a stomach for christ's sake

[butchdykekondraki]

pretending songs are about your blorbos is fun until my blorbos are fucking . jesus christ and the goddamn apostles

#[ren] #anyway . ich will by rammstein is a christ and the apostles song idgaf im right #<- insane fucking sentence . nobody on earth has ever thought that before