#fuck if i care about some date my gray aroace ass would probably be deeply unsatisfied w anyway)

[britneyshakespeare]

I can't believe at the beginning of quarantine a year and a half ago I was indefinitely asked out by a male model under the condition that "this whole thing ends" that sounds so fake.

#a lot. and i mean a LOT has happened since then and i don't really think abt that anymore #(im certainly not holding out hope for it lol. i just wanna go to SCHOOL in a CLASSROOM #fuck if i care about some date my gray aroace ass would probably be deeply unsatisfied w anyway) #he's lived in two countries since then #i talk to him every now and again. he's a funny little man (condescending) #(american psycho voice) 'you think all models are dumb? dont you?' #ive held three different jobs. taken multiple online classes. lost two grandparents. read a few books. #published a few magazines #he's also told me randomly about other girls he likes and then doesn't like anymore 2 weeks later lol. #i think he idealizes women. he seems to like me bc he thinks im some haughty intellectual literary type #and i mean i am. but geez am i not REALLY just that i mean i got all sorts of fucked up facets he knows nothing about. #not to mention how at one i am w my own cringe. #he doesn't even know my taste in kpop. that man doesn't know me well. #tales from diana #we only really know each other superficially and interact briefly but cordially (and sometimes less formally) #we're not very mutually invested #it's just weird to think i agreed to some eventual meeting between us two before i even turned 21 #that feels like SO long ago. and yet not. but. an eternity has passed and he's kinda still a distant friendly stranger. #we haven't really made progress getting to know each other but we haven't really tried either. i don't want to. #i used to think about that he asked me out SO MUCH for the first few MONTHS after it happened i was like #what could it mean??? #probably nothing #im not gonna act as if i dislike the guy but there's a weird unnamable dynamic between us #i don't really know how he feels about me at all but i do not care to dig. he can keep that to himself as long as he wants.