Something about love and how loving someone can hurt you so unexpectedly
(my way of dealing w a heartbreak)
People see a couple and all they see is love
The word has become too modernized, i think
People use it so carelessly, i observe
Its come to an extent where its now almost lost all of its value as the word it once was
What do you mean when you say “I love eating strawberries” or “I love gardening” or “I love spending time with you”?
Do you love or do you like doing these things?
There’s a difference, you see
You aren’t sure of what you love, you’ve been conditioned all your life to be “a lover” and you barely have any comprehension of the word itself
So,
What do you mean when you say “love”?
Don’t think of the answer that comes to your mind immediately, that’s not it I’m sure, love certainly resides deeper than that
The layer below all layers is love
What you have yet to discover is love
What you think you understand is love
What you abruptly assume and adore is love
What you accept unconditionally is love
But you don’t understand this, do you?
So tell me,
What do you mean when you say “I love you”?
It’s not love,
That i can assure you
What it is,
Is obsession.
It is some comfort, some warmth
It is what you craved for, it is what solidifies your needs so flawlessly
It is what you call perfect.
It is not love, however.
It is obsession.
Your “love” for me is not love, it is your longing for me, for my palms, for my sounds, for my heat and for a piece of me for you to possess and call yours
That is not love but it is what you call love
You stab and you scratch at the word’s very existence like that
It’s upsetting my warmth for you’ve stolen so much of it
I gave my warmth to you so unconditionally
I did not know what to expect, but all i wanted to do was love
All i wanted to do is adore
All i wanted to do is let you hold me close when my heart pounds in my ears for my anxiety never healed
My heart beats faster and my face grows pale
And all i wanted was for you to say that you don’t want me to become better but to accept my warmth, my beating heart and sweaty palm
All i wanted was for you to love me, perhaps, I’m not certain
Things have been so inconsistent, i gave up on rational thinking
Things have been so different ever since… i gave up my love for you
You always wanted something from me, i noticed
I told you these things were impossible, you never listened
I told you, you must be considerate, you said you’d change yourself for me
But that’s not what i wanted
I wanted you to love you, i wanted you to love me
It took me 6 months to realise that you were incapable of understanding what love meant
You were like a stray cat in the cold, looking for shelter not because of the shelter but for your own comfort
It wasn’t that selfish but you needed the warmth when all you witnessed was chaos
In a situation like yours, affection mattered more than love
You don’t understand attachment, you understood survival
I don’t blame you
I hope you get a good shelter
Because i can’t give you the warmth if you don’t even recognize how I’m holding myself up for you
I value myself more than that now, i know im not a shelter anymore
I’m a stray like you too, in a way
I radiate heat, i radiate love, i radiate everything you’d want
But it’s not for you anymore
Its for me, and its for my heart
I need to heal
I must heal
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I'm sick of trying to put a label on myself .
The fact is yes , i become tired when i have to hang with bunch of pples for some time , the fact is i belive society makes us sick , interacting with others causes depression, low self esteem and lots of other mental shits .
The fact is i seem kinda weird to other ppl sometimes .
Cz sometimes i'm too tired of pretending to join a friendly party . Or even say hello to 'em.
And the sad thing is , because of this my very characterestic , i am trying to put a label on myself , to search on mental health sites to find a label , to think maybe i'm the schizoiid guy here , maybe i'm the one with serious mental problems here , but let me confess , i don't really think i am sick , i just think i'm rare .i'm one of rare ones , those ones who don't really like the society , who prefers not to talk, but to write , pple who don't enjoy things that most ppl enjoys
See ...we are not sick creepy ppl, maybe , probably we're just one of rares ..
So i really, desperatly want to quit this shit , this shit that pushes me to try to be not myself , to act like i enjoy shit i don't , To not being myself , just because i joined a company or any kinda shits that requies social ppl and social interacting , just because i can't find anyone who looks like me .
And that is okay , cz normally, ppl like me , they don't expose themsalves , they don't post their life on soical media , they don't try to start a conversation with you , they don't join the shits you join , so you never find 'em, and therefore you start to wonder maybe you are the creep here , who has nothing in common with any human being but that is absolutly wrong !!!
Don't let society ruins your perspective about yourself, don't let'em to decide for you wether you are acceptable or just the weirdo here .
Just bcz you're one of rares, doesn't mean you're sick or you don't deserve to have shits that social ppl have .
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