#fuck you Bruce Wayne

[shamelesstragedyenjoyer]

My roman empire is how Stephanie Brown was fired from being Robin for doing something her male counterparts would have easily gotten away with

"Screaming birds sound an awful lot like singing [...] But you seem to be enjoying The fruits of my labour that came to me too young

When he took my virtue I'm glad it seems to serve you

That I was born a daughter and not a son"

-The Fruits (Paris Paloma)

#Dick did worse things in his days and got away with a mere slap on his wrist #When she died her uniform wasn't even encased behind glass the same way Jason's was #She's the one who received the worst treatment as a Robin #Not Tim despite what the fandom wants you to believe #Misoginy in comics #stephanie brown #batman comics #batfam #batman #Was listening to a female rage playlist and got very mad on her behalf #FUCK YOU BRUCE WAYNE #Spotify

[mystery-meat-with-cheese]

Maturing is realising that Poison Ivy is a hero and Batman is just a gross capitalist

#Fuck you Bruce Wayne #poison ivy #She's literally #Protecting the environment #Just because you're a little capitalist orphan with npd #I bet she grows the best weed too

[frownyalfred]

Bruce Wayne is so much stronger than me, because if I was him I would walk straight up to Lex Luthor at a fundraiser, lean down, and whisper you want to fuck Superman so bad it makes you look stupid in his ear before flitting away with zero context.

#bonus points for superbat here #then it’s personal #like lex you wish you could fuck superman #luckily I can whenever I like #bruce wayne #batman #dc #lex luthor #thoughts

[breadandblankets]

au where the bats manage to stay urban legends, sure other heroes know of them, but they help largely from the shadows, they aren't put on display and they're hardly known at All outside of the strange circle of gotham's goons

that changes when duke thomas stares batman down and says on no uncertain terms that he's working day shift

the signal is Gotham's first confirmed superhero, and he wears a bat on his chest

social media goes Wild fighting over whether the Batman existed all along or if someone finally got the tech and powers to make the bat (or a bat) Real

suddenly the world of superheros feels a lot more real to the citizens of Gotham who got used to horrible disasters being either ignored or neatly cleaned away from the public eye, now there's a guy getting thrown through windows and helping grannies cross the street and the war between gotham and metropolis gets even more cut throat

#duke thomas #bruce wayne #batman #batfam #bread talk #i think it would be very interesting if social media invents some beef between superman and a literal 16 yr old #that would be So fucking funny #to me #not to them #they have to do like pr and publicity things to be like nope we are sure friends and he's like my step foster father once removed #and u know what #tim drake #lmao #thats for me #batfamily #you know the general Thems

[nerdpoe]

Danny is about to be kidnapped in Gotham This is not a good time.

He's studying for the SAT, he's already been kidnapped by Vlad like, four times that week and it was a fucking Tuesday, he forgot his wallet at his new apartment, locked himself out of said new apartment (he could phase through the door but that wasn't the point), he's just been informed that the grant he applied for was denied so he needs to ask his mom and dad for college funds when he'd already told them he had it covered, and just...it was shit.

It had been shit. The entire week had been awful and annoying and he was ready to either murder everyone on the planet or go find a corner to cry in for the next three days.

So when the band of wild goons working for whatever villain of the week pulled up and tried to kidnap him, he snapped.

He used them to vent.

Shouted about how terrible his day had been, how terrible his week had been, how he'd already been kidnapped by his creepy godfather who was way too into him, how college funding was shit and the grant system was rigged, and how he'd have to call a locksmith or break down the door to his own apartment if he wanted to go to bed-all of it. He unloaded all of his frustration.

The goons actually backed off.

One of them gave him an awkward side hug and told him it'd get better.

Danny wasn't paying attention to his surrounding. He doesn't realize that the whole thing was livestreamed.

So when he gets home to his apartment later that day, his door is opened for him by the vigilante Spoiler before he can even turn intangible.

She brought over BatBurger and kidnapped Bruce Wayne, Gotham's bumbling Prince, to talk about college grants.

#dpxdc #dcxdp #dp x dc #dc x dp #phanfic #story prompt #steph watched the livestream and felt GREAT SYMPATHY #so she actually did trick bruce into coming with her and breaking into an apartment as bruce wayne instead of batman #told him it was an important job #he clued in that it wasn't crime related after she told him to stay put so she could get food #sure fuck it he'll give this rando kid a grant #he'll pay for the whole thing education is important #literally no one looks into the whole “i've already been kidnapped four times this week” thing #cuz everyone gets kidnapped in gotham #well almost no one looks into it #jack and maddie fenton do when they see the clip #vlad learns the hard way not to piss off the people who design weapons specifically meant for you

[spectral-honey]

AU where Jason gets his revenge by becoming a lawyer and getting joker sentenced to the death penalty

Bruce is conflicted about it but any time he tries to say anything on the subject Alfred just talks over him like "oh we're so proud of you master Jason you finished college and you didn't even use your father's extensive resources that could've easily gotten someone in this family a degree aren't we so proud master Bruce that Jason got himself a respectable profession--"

#jason todd #red hood #batfam #i also think it would be funny if thats literally the only thing jason does as a lawyer after that he just goes back to being a vigilante #everyone on the internet is like 'the iconic career of jason todd wayne: came back from the dead got a college degree got the joker- #-sentenced to death (finally) and then immediately fucked off to do whatever the hell it is he does for fun' #any time bruce and jason disagree jasons like 'excuse me which one of us is the college drop out and which of us is a practicing attorney?' #alfred 'you could have been a doctor but you became a furry themed vigilante instead' will never let this go #also btw jason just stole reasources from the league to get thru college. maybe at first talia was like what & then jason was like #'my alternate plan was to either get bruce to kill the joker or kill all three of us in an explosion' and talia is like #'okay. have fun at school sweetie' #BTW AN EDIT: this post is not reflective of my IRL beliefs about the criminal justice system or the death penalty #IRL those are way more complicated than gotham city/the joker/jason make it out to be #saw a few people tagging this post mentioning stuff about that

[bruciemilf]

Jason’s protectiveness over his dad comes to bite him in the ass when a rumor chain about Red Hood and Bruce Wayne dating spreads like wildfire.

Everyone is disgusted and amused in equal parts

#jason: yOu fReAkInG fReAkS!! when wIll yOu lEaRn!! that your actions have C O N S E Q U E N C E S #duke’s been throwing up since soon (he started the rumors to fuck with jason) #now jay has to convince jaime — his crush — #that he’s not a two timer. which is so funny #dc #dc comics #batfamily #jason todd #bruce wayne #Bruce is handling it as well as everything else. which is not good at all #batdad #protective jason todd

[bbbbbbbbatman]

People are so surprised when Clark seems to actually...like Bruce Wayne? Like for his personality?

Like, when people date Bruce Wayne, it's usually for his money, his fame, or both. And everybody knows this, even Bruce, clueless as he is. It's not like he's dating them because he thinks they're his true love, he's clearly just having some fun, and if Bruce is okay with it, well, everybody else is too. No big deal. Bruce gets what he wants, his partners get what they want, and that's it.

So when Bruce Wayne announces he's dating Clark Kent, everyone assumes he'll be just like the rest. Except--he's not?

Outside of his job as a reporter and a few appearances as Bruce's date, he remains pretty private--so he's not after his five minutes of fame. So he must be after some money, right? No problem, Bruce loves spending money on his partners.

Except, it's been like two months but Clark keeps showing up to things in cheap, ill-fitting suits and sources report that he still lives in a small, mid-grade apartment in Metropolis, and he doesn't even have a car. A car is like a chump change gift to a guy like Bruce.

And then people start talking to him because they gotta figure out what this guy's deal is and...Clark seems to...like Bruce? Like obviously Bruce is a likeable guy, but not as a serious romantic partner. But Clark talks about how he likes spending time with Bruce, and spending time with Bruce's kids (which is absolutely unheard of), and he wishes they both had more free time to spend together.

Anyway, people are so confounded by smart, normal guy Clark Kent in an actual loving relationship with the guy who got in a public argument last week because he thought melancholy was a vegetable.

#everybody scrutinizing bruce and clark trying to figure out what the fuck they’re missing that makes this relationship work #everybody at the daily planet: clark blink twice if you need help #bruce wayne #superman #batman #superbat #clark kent #dc comics #dc #mine

[audhd-nightwing]

things in DC canon i’ll literally never get over

1. dick finds out batman replaced him as robin (without asking him) from the NEWSPAPER and simultaneously finds out bruce adopted a new kid without telling him (to make things worse: bruce didn’t even adopt dick)

2. dick finds out jason died from the newspaper (AGAIN? REALLY BRUCE?) and bruce had the fucking funeral WITHOUT HIM while he was still in space

#i’m only like 80% sure these are fully canon btw #correct me if i'm wrong #dc comics #bruce wayne #dick grayson #jason todd #robin!jason #batman #batman comics #nightwing #batman and robin #ok yes ik there’s a reason bruce didn’t adopt dick #aka he didn’t want to replace dick’s father #but imagine being a teenager and your foster dad adopts a kid without even telling you #and then giving him YOUR name without asking #like no one would feel great about that #i will never forgive bruce for not telling dick jason died / having the funeral without him #though i do love some yummy angst #where hood!jason yells at dick for not even being at the funeral #and dicks like ‘i was still in fucking space!’ #like yes bruce was grieving but BRO thats ur other son come on

[arunneronthird]

i am (the rhythm of) the night

#i promised to draw rainbow batman before pride month was over and BY GOD i did it #this was genuinely super fun by the way #im still using refs for his face cause fuck if i get his mask and it takes year off my life #my art #batman #bruce wayne #dc comics #ladies. gentlemen. you have eaten well.

[ghost-bxrd]

Prompt:

It’s not that Jason forgot, per se.

But between smuggling a toddler out of the League of Assassins, trekking halfway across the world, and finding a suitable hiding place that’s also child friendly… well, it kind of slipped his mind that he’s supposed to be… dead.

Something that comes back to bite him in the ass when he takes Dami out for some ice cream and just so happens to run into non other than Brucie-fucking-Wayne

#look I’ve found a new fave trope and it’s Brucie Wayne having to keep up his act while internally LOSING HIS SHIT #Jason isn’t very into the whole revenge thing here #his mind is 85 parts ‘keep Dami safe’ 5 parts ‘kill joker asap’ and 10 parts ‘avoid bats at any cost’ #Jason doesn’t know who Damian’s father is #dealer’s choice if Jason establishes himself as Dami’s dad or older brother #his build certainly makes him look old enough #if you don’t look at his baby face lol #Jason runs into Brucie and goes straight into survival mode #Damian who is very observant for a toddler immediately clocks Brucie as THREAT based on Jason’s reaction #Brucie blue screens and desperately tries not to lose Jason in the crowd #jason is absolutely trying to lose Brucie in the crowd #while clutching Damian like his life depends on it #for all he knows it does #the visceral terror that your pseudo dad will take away your little brother/baby #Bruce who just wants to know if he’s hallucinating again: W A I T #jason who is terrified of being put in Arkham for killing people: no FUCKING WAY #hm maybe Jason plays the ‘I’m not Jason’ game again #it’s not gonna hold for long #but Bruce absolutely thinks that Damian is Jason’s bio child for a while and he’s on the WARPATH #Jason was sixteen when he died and never showed any interest in dating so literally every red flag is waving in brucie’s mind simultaneousl #or maybe Jason manages to get away and all Brucie is left with is the memory of his supposedly dead son #running away from him #and clutching a tiny kid #prompts #jason todd #batfamily #Damian wayne #batdad #brucie wayne

[kamwashere]

whoever runs the verified batman account in instagram needs their ass ate cause these are hilarious

#10000 CRIMINALS TERRIFIED IS CRAZY #365 days that would have been better with alfred #NOW WHY DID THEY GAG HIM LIKE THAT #you sent the joker once and for all 9 times 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 HELPPP #he’s getting out almost every month #what the fuck are you doing bruce #THE GENRES ARE SOOOO 😭 #gcpd scanner 😭😭😭😭 #amazing #topnotch #no notes #they go to the good omens school of social media marketing #batman #bruce wayne #the joker #tagging this as batjokes because why not #batjokes #dc #kamwashere

[frownyalfred]

my favorite thing in Justice League fics is when a character fucks up so badly that their only option is to go talk to Batman. And they still — still — take a moment to figure out how desperate they are before going.

Bruce has such “don’t bother me, I’m working, also why the hell would you do that” disapproving dad energy. It’s stunning.

#bruce wayne #batman #justice league #jl #dc #dc comics #when Clark tells you to go see batman you know you’re fucked #it’s like mom saying to go talk to dad #and dad is working in the basement with his tools swearing

[emo-batboy]

Things Battinson Totally Did During His First Year of University

Using Unhinged or Odd Things I Also Did as a College Freshman :D

Note: for this list, let’s believe Bruce was living in an (admittedly expensive and swanky) dorm because it is required for first-years, especially those entering at a young age, and Alfred told him he needed to make friends. Also yes I did every single thing on this list. I never claimed to be a role model

Bruce, to his TA: I’m so sorry I’m late to class. I gave blood a few hours ago and almost fainted on the way here, but it won’t happen again.

Signs up for a class called “Age of Dinosaurs” despite it not being required whatsoever and proceeds to work his entire schedule around it

Bruce: Your mental health is super important. If you think you should see the on-campus therapist, go see them. Friend: Fine. I’ll sign up for therapy if you sign up for therapy too. Bruce: Hold on-

Finds a loophole in his housing contract that allows him to get a pet frog, calls him kermit :)

Gets a second frog because Kermit was lonely, names it Constantine after Muppets Most Wanted, then realizes that they’re gay for each other. Wonders if the rainbow-colored rocks he got them triggered anything

Swings dramatically between calling Alfred every single day and ghosting him for weeks, cries when he realizes what he did

“Accidentally” joins the student body council, doesn’t know what he’s doing, gets re-elected anyway

Molds a dragon out of Laffy Taffy instead of doing his work

Bruce: *joins Honors, gets all A’s, takes the max amount of classes, has several minors, overachieves* Also Bruce: I’m a failure.

Breaks into a building after hours to study because NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AT THE LIBRARY

Bruce: I will not get seasonal depression this year. Bruce: *gets real and seasonal depression that year*

Meticulously schedules his day with a color-coded planner because if he sits down for too long, the thoughts will consume him

Gives a presentation to his rhetoric class on how much he likes Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse (it is 20 minutes long)

Successfully allocates funding from the student body council to pay for free feminine products in the dorms OUT OF SPITE because someone said it couldn't be done. fuck you, Andrew

Bruce: It is not an all-nighter if I go to sleep before my first class. Friend: It is 7:30am, the sun is in the sky, and your first class is at 12:30. Bruce: But I am getting sleep.

Refuses to go anywhere without his backpack because what if he needs three notebooks at once

Loses over 20 pounds because ✨stress✨ and scares the shit out of Alfred when he comes home for Thanksgiving

Argues with his TA over the one (1) question he got wrong on his Dinosaur exam

Bruce, calling Alfred: Hello father figure. How do I do taxes? Do I have to do them myself? Also, I think I’m having a panic attack.

Joins in on a charity arts-and-crafts project that gives kids books with matching activities made by volunteers, proceeds to commandeer the project because “it’s not color-blind friendly” and rewrites the instructions for everyone

Makes a murder wall

Goes to one (1) sports game and proceeds to leave in the first ten minutes because it’s way too loud wtf is wrong with people

Professor, addressing the lecture hall: I dare you to write an essay about these two sentences. Bruce: *writes an essay about six words, gets a 100, never even read the book*

Crawls into the ceiling for some alone time

Ghosts someone after a date because he’s too scared to tell them he didn’t know it was a date in the first place and now he feels bad

Classmate: How tf does he walk across campus that fast? I go in the same direction he does on my bike, and he’s always ahead of me. Bruce: *is gay sprinting to Dinosaur class*

Refuses to let others use his Favorite Pen TM

Constantly gets mistaken for a Grad Student because he is “so wise and mature” (bestie, that’s the autism)

Alfred: *casually mentions he got into a car accident through text* Bruce: *replies with a meme while hyperventilating because he doesn’t know what to do with that information??!*

Wears a suit to one of his finals

Regularly eats non-organic food for the first time in his life, proceeds to learn about several allergies Alfred forgot to mention he has

Writes “What is a Hot Pocket?” in calligraphy and proceeds to laugh his ass off alone in his dorm because he is so exhausted he’s reached the point of delusion

Locks himself out of his dorm right before class, frantically asks the floor group chat if someone can help, proceeds to tell the nice gay man on the floor who saved him “I love you” because his social skills have hit rock bottom

Makes a little music album display next to his desk for his favorite band (Nirvana) His friends call it a shrine, and they are technically correct

Has a blacklist of people he refuses to interact with because Reasons

Counselor: What do you want to do when you graduate? Bruce: *gestures vaguely*

Refuses to take the bus because there are people in there and he doesn’t like those

Loses one of his frogs, how tf did he do that, they’re fully aquatic, oh fuck, this is probably why they got rid of that loophole a year later because unbeknownst to Bruce, he accidentally started a frog revolution in the dorms, btw he SWEARS he did not mean to do that

Has two trash cans in his room: one for the Good Garbage, and one for the Bad Garbage. Only Bruce knows which is which

Bruce: *writes a creative piece about a ship’s final thoughts as it sinks, bringing its passengers down with it* TA: Absolutely lovely, Bruce, but are you okay?

Goes on Night Walks, keeps himself safe by maintaining a level 12 resting bitch face at all times

Earns the nickname “8th floor cryptid” after pacing the halls at 3am when it’s too cold for Night Walks (honestly tho how tf didn’t he get the nickname earlier?)

Bruce: Do you think a depressed person could do this? Bruce: *has a manic episode*

Okay that's all love you BYE

#cryptid Bruce Wayne #college au #does this count if op is the au #fully nocturnal unhinged madman Bruce but make him like 17 and full of crippling separation anxiety and autism #bruce would rather die than inconvenience a professor but hE KNOWS HIS DINOSAURS #Dino class was my fav one in uni hands down #yes i am insane thank you for asking #originally this was just going to be a normal list but I kept taking from my own experience then said “fuck it I'm the captain now” #one of these was a lie tho...the murder wall was third year :/ #battinson #bruce wayne #batman #the batman 2022 #batman 2022 #the batman #battinson needs a hug #dc universe #gotham #autistic bruce wayne

[not-another-robin]

This barely counts as finished but whatever. Finally finished my batfam portrait. They are at Coney Island

#they are having a nice time #narsposting #dc comics #batman #in order > #duke thomas #dick grayson #tim drake #alfred pennyworth #damian wayne #bruce wayne #cassandra cain #jason todd #not tagging their supersonas fuck you #batfam #batfamily

[batfamhyperfixation]

Batkid Groupchat

Dick: someone save me pls

Jason: What's wrong?

Dick: Gala at Wayne Manor

Dick: This guy won't stop talking to me

Jason: lol sucks to suck

Damian: Sorry Richard, I cannot attend to the situation. That would give up my hiding spot.

Damian: I meant vantage point.

Damian: If any of you tell Bruce, I will murder you.

Cass: Damian, look up

*sends photo of Damian in the rafters of Wayne Manor*

Damian: Ah, great minds think alike I see.

Tim: hold up Dick, I wanna get out of this conversation too, I'll be over in a sec

Steph: Can't relate

Steph: This is why you don't let the first billionaire who offers adopt you

Steph: then you gotta go to the stuffy parties

Steph: Duke and I are the only smart ones

Duke: Agreed, have fun at the party

Later at the Gala

*Red Hood and the Outlaws come busting through the door*

Red Hood: This is a hostage situation

Red Hood: We want Dick Grayson, Tim Drake, Cassandra Cain, and Damian Wayne.

Bruce, also desperately wanting to get out: Aren't you forgetting someone

Red Hood: Oh, right, Alfred Pennyworth

Bruce: aren't you forgetting someone else?

Red Hood: No

Bruce: Ja- Red Hood. Aren't you going to take me!

Red Hood: what would I need you for? I already have CEO of Wayne enterprises *ruffles Tim's hair, about to get fought by Tim* (under his breath: you fight back, I'm leaving you behind), a police officer, biological son of a billionaire, cool af dancer Cassandra Cain, and Alfred the Almighty

Bruce: don't you want a billionaire too?

Red Hood: If I take you, who is going to pay the ransom?

*Taking the Batkids and Alfred out of the gala as Bruce pouts*

Jason: one of you swipped Bruce's credit card before we left, right?

Tim: of course, we aren't amateurs

Jason: then ice cream on Bruce!

#steph and duke were already out in the car waiting #this was a team effort #they met up with babs at the icecream shop #the place was packed full specifically as a fuck you to Bruce #batfam #batkids #bat family #jason todd #bruce wayne #tim drake #damian wayne #dick grayson #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #duke thomas #jason todd and the outlaws #red hood and the outlaws #red hood #alfred pennyworth #they send photos from the ice cream shop to Bruce all night long #he grounds them all in the morning #Babs and Alfred claim they were only there 'for adult supervision' #but we all know it was for the icecream #incorrect batfamily quotes