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vangoghingdavinci · 9 months

Text

8.5.23

11:00 AM

Dear Leo,

i miss you ...

i miss you again

maybe because i saw your story... but tomorrow, i'll be better...

leo, when i blocked you, it was because i needed to distance myself from you because you were so reachable... i blocked you because i needed to survive.

i died when you left leo...

and i had no self control, even right after you left, i still found myself in your account... and i remember crying so hard missing you so much... that was why i messaged you... remember you replied "i'm sorry"... i was expecting more... honestly, i was expecting you to tell me that you felt the same--that it's hard not having me in your life...

you didn't, "i'm sorry" was the most honest response you gave...

leo, why did you leave?

was it really because of F?

was it really because of V?

you said you want to give a stability to S, i respect that, and i truly admire that...

leo

it still hurts ...

and i still cry now, as i remember the last message you wrote at the loveshack

why did you not acknowldge that you received my emails, you said you're just an email away... i know my emails were not nice... but i needed your response...

i needed you so much those times...

and yes, i miss you

i miss our jokes, i miss laughing with you,

i miss your smile, i do remember your smile leo... that's why i stalk your stories to see if you have a selfie... i miss your smile, you look so lovely, so gentle when you smile

when you came into my life, i haven't laughed so hard for a long time... but you made me laugh... laugh to tears... i miss that

i miss telling you how much i love you... i miss reading poetry for you, i miss talking to you before i sleep... i miss talking to you at 7 AMs... i miss all of you --your golf,.music, and poetry ... you, eating sweets at night...

and i miss dreaming with you--tiny house, our dog... looking at the sky...

i told you how much i wish i can be so far from people and just be with you... and i can just yell "i love you leo"... because i just want the world to know how much i love you

i always dream of that,

so that's why when i saw your beautiful skies of stars, i was so hurt, because you didn't even tell me you were going to see the stars... leo, even if you broke our "relationship"... even if we were not how we were anymore, i wish you told me that you were going to see the stars...

if i meant anything to you leo, even as just a friend... you would have told me that you were going to see the stars

then i saw a photo which you hashtagged furdich---that's when i realized of course you wouldn't tell me, because it's for larisa...

leo,

when i saw that, that hashtag- furdich

i'm glad i was alone at home...

i cried so hard... i couldn't even stand...

and now, i remember the pain again...

i was so hurt leo

i was so hurt

i am still hurt, that hurt more than the time you ended us..

and seeing you happy on your story is enough to tell me you have forgotten me and here i am tumblring you...

how i missed LEOing...

how i miss loving you...

how i miss you

but i know can never be with you

...

i remember the beautiful moon a few days ago, and i was about to take a photo of it, then i stopped myself, because all i can think of was how i wish you'd see the beautiful moon too...

...

leo, i know i was/am terrible, but i truly wish you happiness

although in moments of anger i'd say, how i wish you would feel this pain that i feel--- but honestly... i only wish you happiness because you deserve to be happy

you work hard, you love hard, you deserve to be happy

and i'm truly sorry, i was not making you happy then...

i was too much

i am too much, i know

and maybe, you find me a bit crazy--i'm not crazy. i am just sad, lonely, and this sadness has been going on for months since you left... so maybe i am depressed, but i'm not crazy, i'm not unstable... i'm just sad

and i did have very high anxiety moments... one of which was that night my chest hurt so much and i was just crying so hard... and all i thought of was you and your family... that was why i messaged you... and i am deeply sorry i accidentally pressed call... i even left my phone at the comfort room... and i looked for it when i heard footsteps ... that's when i saw a call, and i even thought you called--- i realized it was i who made the call... that's why you blocked me... leo i am so sorry i reached out to you so many times, i am so sorry i wasn't able to control myself

i am deeply sorry i sent you the video of sir tony, i was synthesizing all talks that day, and sir tony's talk just reminded me of you...

i missed you that day

i still miss you now

and the loveshack, i am sorry i "burned" the loveshack... if there's something that i did that i know you will never forgive me of, it's the loveshack

i saw you followed a Crystal, then you hide it... and although i know, whoever is in your life right now, i have no say of it... but i was hurt... and i am still hurt

that time, i was filled with anger and jealousy... i was still following Pi, and i was still part of Lofi Pi and the other playlist...

i remember i "cannot" listen to Pi... Pi made me cry... a lot of things that time made me cry... until now yes... a lot of teeny tiny things make me cry...

so seeing Crystal just made me feel so jealous... it was like a full-blown jealousy...

i understand, truly that we have no "relationship", so you can follow whoever you want

but leo,

i am terribly sorry

i was so angry and so jealous with the Crystal

that i even removed my crystals and i did not wear them for some time...

i was so angry

i was jealous to the highest level, the ultimate level ever

i was so hurt

and i know the anger, jealousy, and pain are all misplaced--- you already broke our relationship, so why should i feel all these feelings?

i have no right to feel i know that, but i feel it...

... on one side you are marked "safe", you are not guilty, you have moved on with your life and i am not part of it anymore, so you can have Crystal and larisa and all other women you want right?

on my side, i was the problem,

it was my problem alone to feel all those--anger, jealousy, pain

that was my problem

it was/is my problem that i was not able to move on

it was my problem that i was so affected that you followed Crystal

leo... writing this now makes me cry again,

because that time leo, i was still so inlove with you

when you told me we end our "relationship" because of V, of F of S... I knew there was a space i do not belong to, and although it hurt me so deeply, i also i admired you for walking away... i admired you for choosing V again and your family, that is what the heavens want leo...

all along i thought that was the reason...

so when i saw a Crystal on spotify... all those words of comfort i kept telling myself just shattered

i realized you walked away because you simply fell out of love... and someone else is making you happy... someone else is giving meaning to the songs you listen to...

at a point when i could not bring myself to listen to the songs we share in Pi, you already have a Crystal...

and that was why i kept finding myself all alone at the loveshack... i wasn't over you, i loved you so much, i was so attached at you, it was so difficult to let you go...

leo,

if you knew exactly how i deeply feel for you, if you could only fathom how much i love/loved you.. you would understand why i "burned" the loveshack...

i know loneliness had lead me to hell thrice...

but jealousy... it lead me beyond the depths of hell

i am deeply sorry leo

i am deeply sorry i "burned" the loveshack... it can be "unburned", that is if you still have the key... but what for, right?

i am so sorry leo, i hope in time, you will forgive me...

if only i could unlove you so easily, if only i can undo my jealousy i would... i would even exchange 5-10-20 yrs of my life if someone tells me unloving and/or undoing jealousy is/are worth those years of my life...

i am so sorry... really leo... i am so sorry it's taking so long for me to go through this...

and leo, if i hurt you when i told you i'd start praying again, and i'll start writing... i was telling you what might become of me in the next weeks... but i did not mean to say that i will let you go... maybe i hurt you when i said those words... i am deeply sorry...

see? i am praying so hard now... rosary, novena, cutting of negative soul ties... but i still cry when i remember you, i loved/love you so deeply... that even if we choose to do what is right, that even if i choose to do what is right, my heart is already marked with my love for you... and only the heavens can unmark that... and when the heavens do that i will be free from pain and you will have your peace from me...

maybe it worked for you, i'm praying for us both that's why

maybe it will take a little bit more time for me, because of how i deeply feel for you...

but i promise leo, as soon as the heavens clear all my pain... i'll never reach for you again...

i remember telling you i love you more... and i really do, i loved you more than you loved me... i loved you more than i have ever loved anyone before (i mean this love, this falling in love kind of love, not the "decision" kind of love, but the falling in love kind of love, this deep...it was/is you)

also, new pain comes as i "discover" somethings along the way-- like march 14, was our end... but i went downhill again when i saw a Crystal, i went back to step 1... then i saw furdich--the beautiful starry sky for larisa... so i went back to step zero again... even your cat stories--i know they were for larisa... then yesterday, your birthday greetings to larisa on your story... i cried again...

you know what i find strange? i unistalled spotify and ig... so seeing crystal then your bday message to larisa are like works of the angels... making me see what i shouldn't... i mean i'm not on spotify 24/7 or on ig 24/7... so when i install... and see that before it's gone tells me that there's a certain synchronicity in our world...

these little bits and pieces of discovery brings so much pain inside me leo,

but i am not blaming you...

you are living your life the best way you can

this is just me--overthinking, guessing, trying to figure out why you really left...

you said i can email you and that i have a friend in you...

i know, i lost you even as a friend, and that is something i truly regret... leo, i am so sorry, i do not even know how to be your friend... i'm sorry if my messages/emails traumatize you... if my "unsilence" frustrates you...

and if you ever did read some posts i had on IG, those were written at the height of my pains... those times when memories just run in my mind and i hated every bit of them because they make me cry... for months, i would forcefully close my eyes to sleep... but the memories just kept coming back... so i would sleep in tears... wake up in tears... and i sat in school at my desk, all alone in the mornings... the memories just come back again and no matter how hard i tried, the tears just fall... the memories were killing me leo... and so i wrote in IG at those times when all i wanted was to forget, to forget that you ever came into my life, to forget that i loved you, to forget the laughter and the happiness... i read them again this morning after i saw you in your story... i archived them all now... i am so sorry leo that i wanted to forget you...

our memories from the last week of october to the first week of january were so beautiful... and it hurt me so much...

those memories gave me hope that maybe you loved me still when you left... and that you would one day ask how i was... but leo, hope and faith can be destructive to someone whose heart is broken...

and so i hated those memories, i got so angry when they come to me... and they happen to just to reveal themselves anywhere, even when i buy groceries--i cry... so yes, it was terrible.

there were times that i was scared at the memories-- i was scared of going to sleep, knowing that i'd wake up and i have to face the day, warding off the memories over and over again...

but i hope, you never read any of those that i wrote in IG...

i am not fighting the memories now, i let them come, i just cry, then i just go on with my day... sometimes i can function so well, other times, i had to take a leave to cry...

but i am better now, better than last month... but i still have a long way to go...

the last time i did the major literal burning of incenses (i bought 6 kilos apart from the sticks), as i prayed for thr removal of our negative soul ties, i was so at peace the next day... but then i cannot deny that the day after, i felt like memories of you/us were still so fresh... so yes, i still have a long way to go... but i trust the heavens

i am writing to apologize and at the same time to explain the crazy stupid things i did... i am truly sorry leo, i am sorry for whatever i did that have hurt you, i am truly sorry if i said anything that hurt you...

i am sorry i blocked you, unblocked you, stalked you,

i am sorry i was jealous of crystal and larisa (i also feel sorry for myself for feeling that way because i know i shouldn't because we have no "relationship" now, but jealousy is a feeling that i cannot control, no matter what i do, even just seeing your birthday message to larisa brought me to tears)

i am sorry i kept writing in IG about forgetting you, forgetting us

i am deeply sorry for expressing regret

i am sorry for the emails i sent (and if i send this ... may God forbid --then i'm sorry again...)

i am sorry for messaging you...

i am sorry that i accidentally pressed call, i did not mean to do it.

i am deeply sorry i burned the loveshack

leo, i have always known we were going to end, that was why i kept asking what would happen when the "honeymoon stage" is over... i thought i have matured and i have more self-control, i thought i can overcome the pain in a few days or weeks... but i was wrong... i spiralled down gazillion of times

and the pain leo, it's not just the pain inside the heart, it's a physical pain, the pain in the chest, and the physical exhaustion after the tears... it's not normal --like OMG! this is not normal... the pain is familiar, but the intensity, is beyond what i ever felt...

and i'm glad i have my unwritten paper to "blame..."

and yes, i am deeply sorry for all those things i did that must have hurt you, and yes, it must seem i'm trying to make excuses now because of the pain i'm going through... but i'm not making excuses, what i'm trying to point at is that, i'm really at fault in hurting you, because i was/am not able to handle my pains

i am sorry leo

i lost myself along the way,

i became the person i shouldn't be

i was not able to accept and respond to our end with grace, compassion, and understanding

as much as i wanted to change how i reacted and felt, i couldn't change what i said and did

i feel embarrassed opening up about my jealousy, there is no one to blame but myself

and leo, as much as it pains me that you blocked me in IG, i think it helped that i don't see your stories and posts, i will do my best not to stalk you again...

leo, i want to know some things... when you left in March 14, did you leave because of your family? or did you leave because of larisa? and is larisa and crystal the same?

and leo, i started to feel the changes in you in january... i am sorry, that you had to stay until march... even if i'm not making you happy anymore, i'm truly sorry leo...

and leo,

i might be in pain

but i do not expect anything not even friendship, i only seek your forgiveness

i am deeply sorry for your V... i hope the heavens forgive me...

i am sorry for taking so much of your time... the time that you would have spent with your family, for S and I... for taking the attention that you should have given to your V...

and i am doing my best that i can be for my B, he has been the kindest person in the world for the past months... he thought i had just my sad episodes because of my paper... he has been very gentle to me and i owe it to him that i can still function and do my responsibilities... he showed me love when i couldn't... and he shows me love when i still can't... he deserve love and respect

love is never a decision leo, that i know now... you just don't decide to love someone, you fall in love... i learned that lesson the hard way

and i am begging the heavens for that--- to fall in love again... it might be very late for us with B... but it is possible... if not, then i have to navigate this kind of love--decision kind of love to keep our family together...

my kids especially S have been so loving and caring to me the past months... for the many nights right after March 14, S slept beside me, hugging me and saying "i love you mama" over and over... i am amazed at her sensitivity... i do not want them to go through those times again, i cannot show my pains anymore, i can keep these all to myself now... and besides, i feel better now, way better than last month...

yes leo, i am not asking for anything except your forgiveness

i know, it might be easier for you if i just keep my silence and not say all of these...

but leo, i need to express what's inside me... also what we had leo was/is so special to me, that i don't feel it is right that the end is the way it is ---in pain, in doubts, in perpetual silence--well this is in MY case

what we had was so beautiful for me leo, i do not think i'll ever find anyone that i can connect with the way i did with you,

and yes, you already wrote your piece at the loveshack when you ended us in March 14... and i did reply, but that reply was right after that, i didn't know then what would become of me...

so now, a part of me feels--- that was patriarchy!--only you had a say about our end, and of course i just said yes... but are ends like that leo? do ends happen in patriarchy? --like what happened in march 14, like am i given no choice but say "yes, okey, i understand"? or can i have at least a say about our end because i was also a part of that "relationship"?

i know you have had many gfs:-)... and you are good at ends...

but for our end... i hope you would consider my "contribution"-- this writing, as i seek your forgiveness

i don't expect you to forgive me ASAP okey?... if ever you would find it in your heart to forgive me... that takes time and process, i understand...

but leo, i hope you will reply this time, not to say you have forgiven me, but to acknowledge that you receive this.

Best regards,

8.5.23 3:20 PM

P.S. leo, no matter how we ended, i am grateful that you became part of my life, i am grateful that you made me feel loved, and i am grateful that you left, not because i wanted you to but because the Heavens know, i can never leave, even if the angels come down from the Heavens and command me to leave you, i don't think i can, and so thank you for leaving, for doing what is right, for doing what is the best for all of us. Thank you so much leo...

PS2. Say hello to Miyuki for me okey?:-) Glide free and smile, you are lovely when you do:-)

PS3. Sorry, i have so much too say... thank you for spotify, ed sheeran and taylor swift were my saving grace... although i've uinstalled spotify for now and i'm not listening to any music for some time now, but i did like making playlists:-)

PS4. one last, promise--- leo, i am so sorry about the loveshack, i truly am... i do not know what else to say... please forgive me leo

***

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vangoghingdavinci · 9 months

Text

Aug.4.23

a birthday greeting to larisa,

why did i see that?

---

yesterday, i felt peace when i woke up... and now!!!! i saw your birthday greeting to larisa, i just go downhill... again....as if the smoke and prayers were nothing...

---

but it's so strange....why did i see that when it was meant for her? ... why did i see it just seconds after it is gone? ....did you see me see it? ... why would you see me check on your story?... how can that be?... you blocked me right? So do you still think i see it?.... i remember seeing you follow Crystal on Spotify....then you hide it... the heavens has a way of hurting me leo... i think the angels are finding ways to slap me so hard so i wake up from these illusions... illusions-- of talking to you again, illusions of you reaching out to me....all these will never happen and the angels must be so frustrated everytime i cry lol---- P you are so stupid! Can't you see--- leo with crystal +larisa and leo's bday greetings and larisa's crystal bracelets... and larisa is a leo and leo is leo... everything seems to fit in one way or the other... see?-- and the angels flap their wings and how i wish they flap their wings so hard at me till i lose consciousness...

i know, i was stalking

but i just thank the heavens that you left

but a part of me was ... i don't know

i installed ig again, saw your stories...

HBD for larisa

leo...

OMG

i saw that...

i just wasn't able to take a screenshot... then it was gone in seconds...

that's where i saw furdich--- the skies are for her leo...

i do not know why i'm still in pain...

So larisa is a leo, you're leo, it has always been her...

leo... you never loved me...

it has always been her...

YOU NEVER LOVED ME

and your songs... always have been for her...

Honestly... i wasn't jealous of larisa when it was us... now i am...

damn this jealousy!

you can have all the women in the world, for all i care...

she is making you happy leo...

she must be

i wish one day, you'll tell me

she is the reason you walked away from the love shack

not V, not F... not even S

it is larisa...

you had to walk away because you want to be loyal to her...

will she stay till january of next year for you leo?... she should... you need someone in october to january... she should stay...

these photos....will remind me... that we have ended even before we started... these photos will remind me that when we talked about the sky, when i told you i want to look at the sky with you... you were not thinking of me... it has always been larisa...

because leo... if i meant something to you... even just a teeny tiny bit... you would have responded to my messages or to my emails... you know how painful it is for me-- you gone... but it is clear... i never meant anything to you... you're just like lin... i never meant anything for him... but atleast lin was honest... he never said he loved me... you on the other hand said you loved me... you were with me... but it was larisa in your mind...

----

my God...

i'm not supposed to hurt anymore right?

the tie was cut right?

why am i crying?

why am i still in so much pain?

My God... help me...

why did i see leo's bday greeting to larisa? why? if he intended to keep it a private story, why did i see it? what are you trying to say my God?...

Lord God... still despite this pain again... i am grateful that leo is gone...

Yes i am in pain... and yes... i am crying again... and yes... i will cut soul ties again... i will do it again... i will print new prayers... i will cut my sould tie with leo again... i am so tired of this pain my God... i am so tired of this pain... i will cut ties again... until all of me is healed...

------

I HATE YOU LEO

I hate you with all my heart and soul

I hate you will all my entirety

I hate you

because i cannot hate you...

i can only be grateful that atleast i had 2 wonderful months with you

i can only acknowledge that those 2 wonderful months have given me pain for almost 8 months now... yes you left in march... but i know, something in you has changed in january...

i will never go through this again...

I deserve God's punishment--- this pain i have to go through... imagine!!!! I saw your bday greetings to larisa! I don't even know it's her birthday... i have uinstalled IG ... then after praying this morning, i was like... okey ... just want to see leo's stories... and there HBD for larisa... was there a heart there? I cannot recall... my heart is just in pain... so strange... but this is how God punishes those who disobey Him... i expect more pain... for the wrong i've done... but i also expect His grace and mercy...

i beg the heavens for peace in my heart...

set me free my God...

8.14.23

and all i can think of is

eeeeeewwwwwwwwww!

kalu-ud naku, kaluud naku to the highest level!!! yucks sa ako... yucks ko.... yucks sa tanan luud... hating myself again eeeewwwwwwwwww i should have deactivated at the first van gogh message ... ahahahaha i'm dead super dead ahahahahahah weeeee

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