#gave me multiple 12 hour shifts when I told them I Would Not Do That

[lightningfilledsaber]

missing my close friendships and how I used to have the energy to maintain them while also reminding myself that part of the reason I don’t have that energy anymore/right now is because that very energy was actively exploited by my “best friend” of Several Years for their own benefit

:pensive:

#lol #not to mention that said ''best friend's'' girlfriend didn't have the emotional maturity to own up to her mistakes #and neither gave enough of a fuck to actively do better #like hm why dont i have the energy to maintain my remaining friendships and attempt to become closer to others lol. right. that #your best friend only ever paying attention to you to treat you like a chauffer and otherwise literally avoiding you after you've realized- #-that they're you're FP (bpd stuff) and literally explicitly told them that will do that. lol #then. lol. a half assed apology ''I'm sorry I wasn't there for you'' when i FINALLY get the courage to cut them off. WOW. THANKS SO MUCH. #THAT REALLY HELPS *NOW* AFTER WE ALREADY HAD THE CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW YOU WERE TREATING ME LIKE SHIT *MONTHS AGO* #not to mention that their girlfriend was too much of a fucking coward to face me in person so i could properly cut her off instead of a text #''sorry our schedules didn't line up =( genuinely wish you the best'' #YEAH OKAY #bullshit on bullshit #if you fucking wished me the best you wouldn't have INTENTIONALLY crossed MULTIPLE boundaries #in one case. lol. LITERAL SECONDS AFTER I TOLD YOU I NEEDED SPACE BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO SCREAM AT YOU #WHEN YOU HAVE TOLD ME AND I KNOW DAMN WELL PEOPLE YELLING AT YOU IS A TRIGGER FOR YOU. #THAT'S YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO THE BAD GUY DIPSHIT. ''mike I would never do that to you'' YOU ARE LITERALLY ACTIVELY TRYING TO DO THAT RN #and yknow the other reason is that i literally work 12 hour shifts and ~40 hour work weeks so #3/4ths of my time on this planet is spent working or sleeping. like yeah no shit i have no energy #im not only physically drained i'm also mentally and emotionally drained lol #anyway sorry for the pity party i'm just. so fucking tired of avoiding talking about this publicly #mud rambles #like i know i mentioned it before but i havent really gone into any depth so. i deserve to talk about it more

[ab-cee-d]

Last Call

The bar wasn’t too busy this time of night. Right around 11 o’clock after everything else had closed down and most people were making their way back home so that they could wake up early the next morning. Tuesday nights were your night to close and Tuesday nights were always slow.

At this point you only had an hour before last call and all but a few stragglers remained. A group of a few truckers sat talking in a booth nursing their beers. A lonely man at the bar slurring complaints about his job and his wife and pretty much everything else. And lastly, three boys sat at table in the center of the room. Only one of them was actually old enough to drink but you occasionally slipped the other two a bottle on the house.

They were always here on Tuesday nights hanging out after they played a set. You had told them multiple times that there was an opening on Friday nights that would get them much more attention but every week they were here on Tuesdays.

“Can I get another one?” A voice said drawing your attention away from organizing the bottles below the bar.

“Aren’t you supposed to be driving home, Eddie? You asked as you popped up from under the bar.

”Technically.” He huffed as he took a seat across from you.

“Then I’m not serving you.” You smiling tauntingly at him. He didn’t seem drunk at all, he had only had two bottles but still the thought of something happening to him because of you. It made you feel sick.

“That’s alright.” He said lowly as he leaning forward resting his elbows on the bar with a smile. “That’s not really why I came over here anyway.”

Eddie had been playing with his band at The Hideout for almost 2 years now and you had gotten to know him well. He always hung out with you at the bar even after his band mates left until it was just the two of you. He would talk to you about school and his attempts to graduate and you would complain to him about your family or whatever interesting happened during your shift. You and Eddie weren’t a thing, but you weren’t not not a thing.

“How was the show?” He would ask you just like every other tuesday night and you would make a light hearted joke.

“You need to teach Jeff how to stay on beat.” Always a joke about Jeff or Gareth or some rowdy drunk in the audience, never about him.

What about me? Eddie always wanted to ask. But he never did. Asking you that felt oddly intimate like putting his heart out into your hands giving you the perfect opportunity to break it like a beer bottle.

You did amazing. That’s what you wanted to tell him. Every time they play you tell yourself that you’ll tell him but the words can never come out. You didn’t want him to know that you were watching him. Watching how he threw his head back letting his hair fall over his shoulder. Watching his hands run along the neck of his beautiful guitar. His fingers. You didn’t want him to know that when you got in bed you’d still be thinking about him. How in your head he is all yours.

“Hey you two.” Gareth’s voice echoed pulling you out of your thoughts. “We’re headed out.”

“Night guys, see ya’ next week.” You smiled politely and Eddie gave them a little wave. After they left you went back to cleaning your bar and one by one people would come up to close their tabs. Eddie stayed in his seat watching you shuffle around. He watched you huff and flip your hair over your shoulder as you dug through a stack of receipts looking for the right one. He wasn’t trying to hide his staring, he never did. You fascinated him.

“Make yourself useful.” You said as you tossed him a trash bag. He grabbed the bag before it could hit him in the face and rose triumphantly from his barstool.

“Anything for you m’lady.” He smirked with a little bow. You laughed him off trying to ignore how he exactly did what you asked him to without question. With eagerness. Like he would do absolutely anything for you.

Now it was 12:05. The bar had been cleaned, tabs had been closed, tables had been cleared, and floors had been swept. And Eddie was still with you.

“Alright Eds.” You groaned. “I’m done, I wanna go to bed.”

“Yeah me too.” He chuckled with a little yawn as he walked over to the exit and waited for you.

“You know you don’t have to wait for me Eddie.” You wanted him to wait for you. You turned off the lights and made your way out with him, locking the door behind you.

“Yeah well,” He shrugged and looked around at the quiet parking lot and the cars passing by on the highway. “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.” I want to wait for you

“Well I appreciate it. And I have a token of my gratitude.” He cocked his head to the side a little giving you a questionable glance. You pulled a cold bottle of beer out of your bag and held it out in front of you. He smiled wide and his eyes lit up.

“But you have to promise that you won’t drink it until you get home.” You told him sternly.

“I promise.” He agreed in a hushed voice. “Thank you.”

“Not a big deal.” You shrugged. “Goodnight Eddie.”

“Goodnight (Y/n).”

But it was a big deal. It was your way on ensuring that tonight when he laid in bed, drinking the beer that you gave him, he’d be thinking of you too.

a/n why do i always start writing at like 1am. this is not at all how this fic was supposed to go but oh well

#eddie munson blurb #eddie munson oneshot #eddie munson x you #eddie munson imagine #eddie munson fic #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson fluff #eddie x reader #eddie stranger things #stranger things x reader #stranger things fic #stranger things 4

[emeraldsyndicate]

The future, is what you make of it.

Fanfic/ Star Trek Captain Pike, Admiral Vance X reader

(I take no credit for these characters, I'm just playing with them, seeking a happy ending to a muse that sat upon my shoulder and murmured "what if...."

Summary : It was an ordinary day for me, till it wasn't. It's kinda like those zenn gardens, the stones in the sand with the circles radiating outward - but in my case apparently across time and multiple realities.

It's made me introspective. What is compassion and do we ever truly know the effects of one kind act tossed out into the universe till a/the "god" (any sufficiently advanced civilization/technology would appear god like or magical) takes notice. All "god" ever really does, is give choices. Those spoken and more significantly, those unspoken, and with them the possibility of a life and love, worth dying for, and perhaps their own desire, after so much death and destruction for just one "happy ending", not perfect, no one can promise perfect, choices after all, but happy.

warning: Mature, O.C. some spoilers and diverges from the end of season 4 destiny and season 2 of strange new worlds.

I've never posted before, gentle feedback is appreciated....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Your tired, in fact, truth be told you are way way beyond exhausted and not really too sure how you are managing to function. But its not like there is another choice. Well, technically, you had your choice, made it, and these are the consequences. God knows you were warned…hell that’s actually funny. God knows you were warned…by a "god", and then you went and broke the only rule he gave you. You got offered paradise and now, now you’ve got a ring side seat to exactly what hell is like…complete with a demon. A demon with dead, dark eyes seemingly seething with hate and a hunger that is never, ever satisfied. You shake your head to dispel the image of it circling, slowly, snarling and clicking, growing ever closer, watching for a weak moment when it could pounce. That nightmare was never ever going to go away.

You drag your sorry self up the ladder of yet another Jefferies tube and start the imposed sentence of cleaning it. A horrible, mind numbing and exhausting job – your punishment. You can feel the sweat already starting to trickle down your back severely exacerbating the burning, rubbed raw rash, an allergic reaction to the fabric, of your prison fatigues. The only thing, in the only fabric, the replicator will issue you. The commander made sure he didn’t miss a beat in ensuring you had the “full effect”. You were hungry but knew the “K” rations, again all that the computer would issue you, although they met your nutritional requirements, would turn your stomach and cause severe cramping that made your last bout of stomach flu look like a day at the beach. Still this is better than yesterday. Very little could fail to be better than yesterday with you and the chief trapped with a Gorn.

She’s still in Medlab and your, well your back on “shift” without even 12 hours of recovery time. Everything aches, absolutely everything aches, you swear even the inside of your eyelids hurt, but your lucky to be alive. "Again", you correct yourself, lucky to be alive again, however your starting to wonder if this is indeed part of the consequences for pissing off a deity. You can't suffer if your not alive you think to yourself ruefully smirking.

You want so very very badly to feel safe, just for a few minutes, to be comforted, cared for -it’s a federation ship for pity sake. Their very motto is service, sacrifice, compassion and love – just not for you.

The commander made sure everyone knew not to fraternize with the screw up who cost them the alliance with the Tal when you hadn’t shown up for the reception. The captain, he seemed intent on ensuring your full sentence was carried out to the letter. Neither of them seemed to have any of the empathy for you which they lavished upon others. They had raged at you the next morning when you’d hurried to find them and explain as not one message had gone through. They'd gone one up one side of you and down the other, neither willing to let you utter a single word in your defense, insisting there was none. You kept trying to keep a lid on your tempter as you’d been up all night and knew normally they were far more level headed and fair.

You decided to try and wait till they ran out of steam to explain when the commander had gone so far as to state blithely, when you’d taken a deep breath and raised your hand to try and interject, that if you uttered a single, solitary syllable, ever, to try and excuse your gross, selfish lack of foresight regarding this matter, that he would ship you to the penal colony of epsilon 8. Your mouth had fallen open in shock as he had continued to rail at you, his finger shaking in your face, his own a mask of rage and disgust. This was not the man you knew.

They had both seemed so haggard and tired, after all the war with the gorn was not going well and they had had high hopes for the support this new ally could have provided.

You had started to say “captain, commander” in a gentle voice sure it was just a misunderstanding, as it was apparently far far more severe a situation than you had thought but they were both reasonable men so you were sure that when you explained…

Only to be interrupted by him saying, in a low angry voice with enough venom to have you stepping back “choose your next actions carefully as I swear on my honour as  Starfleet officer if you dare utter another single sound for this inexcusable conduct, I will put you on the shuttle in cuffs personally, I AM the authority in this sector. The lives you have endangered with your self-indulgent, selfish,… primitive…” He had literally spat out.

You had looked in shock back and forth from the captain to the commander with Pike running his hands through his badly tussled hair who had joined in insisting “– show up, all you had to do was show up – can you even conceive of the damage done by your actions. That they wouldn’t know, wouldn’t check where you’d gone instead. The level of insult you’ve caused…”

I still had absolutely no idea what I had done that was so horribly wrong. I agree I wasn't there but there didn't seem to be another option at the time, and how my choice could have been so offensive, given the potential for harm if I had just left and gone to the reception, was seemingly beyond my limited experience with or understanding of interspecies politics.

No one bothered to tell me that, although everyone seemed to know. Which made even trying to defend myself impossible. So I was trying to keep my head down, finish the sentence of hard labor to teach me ”some character, badly needed humility and some small inclination of the meaning of self-sacrifice”, at least until I could disappear.

 Seriously, I had thought as I worked, like I hadn’t wanted the “Cinderella deal” at the Tal reception. I’d gotten to be dressed to the 9’s, as a last minute substitute to ensure the Tal cultural norms were obeyed, as the officers had been dropping like flies due to the virus brought in on the rescued transport earlier that day. While not lethal for most species it would make you damn sick for over 48 hour as it ran its course , along with being highly contagious. Hence everyone, even me, non-starfleet, were moving via the transporters to avoid the possible spread of the virus. I really had felt like I had won the lottery, A night on the arm of a handsome Starfleet officer, dinner with a charming and witty companion, dancing. Even if you were terrified of not using the right fork or upsetting aliens you didn’t know existed 3 months ago, you had really been looking forward to it. It seemed originally like fate had thrown you a bone, given you just one night of what may have been, a wonderful fairy tale night to last the rest of your life after you ensured you disappeared. It was a big galaxy after all and they, they had their whole life ahead of them now.

 Fate however, or the aforementioned "God", had put other plans in place and now you were being punished. Not that you could see any other choice at the time you had thought leaning all of your weight into a particularly stubborn nodule with sweat dripping down into your eyes mixing with the tears born of exhaustion, pain and self-indulgent but not unwarranted, pity. That, was of course, when you slipped.

Now usually the safety measures on a Starfleet vessel would prevent accidents of this nature but not when they hadn’t been engaged. After all no one would talk to you, you had no computer access, privileges or codes so you had no means of knowing they existed or being able to invoke them. That meant that when you slipped and fell you kept going, all the way down to the deck with a rather sickening thud.

You had a moment to register the pain, the sharp snapping sensation in your arm and right side along with the sudden inability to take a breath. Your last stream of conscious thought was that you were going to die, all alone while surrounded by those who but for your refusal to obey a "god" would have welcomed and cared for you.

You could have had a fairy tale life, safe from harm and they, they would have been just as trapped as if they were still fated to end up in those horrible medical support devices. Trapped inside a pain filled shell of what they once were or could be. Alive, because of you, but because of debt and duty to you they would never again truly be able to live. You were going to die having been thrust 1500 years into the future. Sent here purportedly because a "god of time" had deemed it wasn’t fair you had lost everything, every hope, every dream everyone, your very world lost to you forever because of the time war, and the fact you would not let them kill a child.

A child whose name you still didn’t know, but, at least she got to grow up you'd consoled yourself. The time soldiers charging out of the wormhole hadn’t even really wanted the child at the playground you’d been walking past, they were after someone called grayson….in order to destroy someone or something called ….spock.

#pike x reader #discovery #star trek discovery x reader #captain pike #captain pike x reader #pike x o.c. #admiral vance x reader #admiral vance #star trek snw #admiral Vance x O.C. #captain pike x o.c.

[marvelwitchergilmore]

Can you picture it? Us?

Dean Winchester x OC: “How do we keep getting into these situations?” - “Eleven years of friendship and I still don’t know.” After they find a hunt not too far from the bunker, the weird eleven years of friendship that Dean and Mia had shared go from weird to down-right horrifyingly strange. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“Sam.” Dean called out after his brother. “Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam. Sam!”

Rolling his eyes at his brother’s constant pestering and finally turned around. “For the last time Dean - What?”

“Sam.” Dean gave a nervous laugh. “I can’t marry her. She’d kill me within a week.”

“So? You’ve died and come back to life more times than I can count.” Sam pointed out. “We both have.”

“Sam. You’re not listening to me-”

“No, Dean. You’re not listening. We need bait and the moment we walked through those doors, the planner thought you two were a couple. You both are our best shot so, you wait here,” Sam instructed holding his hand on his brother’s shoulder, “while I go and your blushing bride-to-be.”

“Not funny, Sam.”

Sam smiled anyway. It was a little funny, he had to admit. 

By the time Sam got Mia to the doors to the isle, he had had the same conversation twice. 

“I’d kill him within a week.”

“He’d be into that.”

Mia rolled her eyes at Sam and picked up the skirt of her wedding dress so she could move. “Lets just get this over with.”

Eventually she made it to the end of the isle to Dean; the pair talking between themselves before the vicar could hear them. 

“How do we keep getting into these situations?”

Mia let out a breath. “Eleven years of friendship and I still don’t know.”

Dean looked Mia up and down, but not in that way...yet, at least. 

“You okay?”

“This..corset.” Mia shifted it around. “It’s too tight.”

“You want me to loosen it?”

“I’d rather you cut it off and burned it, but, sure.”

Dean did so, letting out some of the laces so she could finally breath. However, that was when the vicar was finally ready. 

“I can see you two are excited to get to the wedding night, so should I just skip straight to the vows.”

Both Dean and Mia were taken aback meanwhile Sam was holding in his laughter. 

“No, no. It’s okay. Just...from the beginning, Father.”

And half an hour later, they were married, had shared rings and had kissed. 

“When this is all over, I want my sanity back.” Mia told him as they walked back down the isle, arm in arm. 

“You and me both, sweetheart.”

Sam had found the case two weeks ago. Couples who had just gotten married were suddenly killed on their wedding night. All staying in the same honeymoon suite. 

They needed a couple and the on-hands wedding planner thought that they were the blushing couple and Sam was the best-man. It was the best cover-up they had so, they rolled with it. Well, Sam did. And the other two didn’t have much of a choice. 

“Oh, hi.”

“Hi,” Dean smiled. “We booked room 12.”

The receptionist smiled back. “Yes. The new Honeymoon suite. Congratulations. You two must be so happy.”

Mia smiled, slding her arm around Dean’s back. “So happy.”

The woman behind the desk gave them both a couple of leaflets along with their room key and, before handing over the codes to the hotel spa and pool, she mentioned about their complementary bottle of champagne. 

“Thank you.”

Eventually, they made it into their room to find the bed covered in rose petals with swan towels. 

“Fancy.”

“Yep.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Dean asked her. 

“Oh, yeah. I’m perfect. I am a newly wedded bride...who could possibly die if our groomsman doesn’t find out what has been killing all the couples around town.”

“Sam’ll find something, but, until then...we work.”

From his bag, Dean pulled out their laptops and a couple of books. They had less than 12 hours before their lives would be put on the line. 

They worked for a few hours, Sam was out of range, and Mia started walking around the hotel looking for the stock closet. There had been no toilet roll in the bathroom. 

Clearly, having multiple murders in the suite was enough to scare the maids from going up their alone, even if just for 20 seconds.

“Mrs Winchester?”

Mia turned around to find two women stood behind her. “Hi, we’re the couple in room 10. We just thought we’d come and invite you to join us for dinner tonight, down here. We were married a couple of days ago and we’re in desperate need of people to talk to.”

“Marriage already boring? I shouldn’t worry about mine, should I?”

They laughed. “No. No. We caught a glimpse of you and your husband when you were checking in. You’ve been waiting for this for a long time, haven’t you?”

Mia gave a small nod. “Yeah, sure. Let’s go with that.”

“So, dinner tonight? Shall we say...7?”

Mia nodded. She didn’t know why. 

“You’ve done what?” Dean asked as she got into the room. 

“Got us a dinner date. They just snuck up on me and before I knew it...I agreed. Look, they’ve been here a couple of days, maybe they’ve seen something or heard something.”

“Maybe.” Dean agreed. “Are you sure you’re okay? I mean, I know you’re not happy about being married to me but we’ll be seperated just as quick as Sam threw us under the bus.”

“No, it’s not that. I just...”

“Never thought you’d marry me?” Dean half-joked. 

“Marry at all.” Mia admitted. “A kid dreams, you know, but once I found out the truth...I guess that all disappeared in the smoke of the demons ashes.”

By the time their dinner came around, Dean and Mia had to act, yet again like a married couple.

“You two look cozy.” Sam smiled as Dean walked over to the bar to order a drink. 

“Shut up.”

Sam smiled. “No. I mean it. Have you two ever thought of doing this sooner?”

“She might look happy now but...I don’t know.”

“Late wedding gitters?” Sam asked. “Dude, she’s fine.”

“I’ve never seen her like this, Sam.” Dean admitted. “She’s...scared.”

“Talk to her. That’s what...couples do, isn’t it?”

Dean made his way back to the table, a hand sliding across his wife’s shoulder’s and kissing her cheek. 

“Oh, come on. You’re newlyweds, where’s your newlywed spirit. Damn it man, kiss the girl.”

“Babe, I’m sure-”

“Don’t make me start chanting.”

Dean and Mia gave nervous smiles before turning to one another, Dean holding Mia’s face his his hands before pulling her closer and giving her a real kiss. 

When Sam spotted the pair, he nearly choaked on his drink. People were smiling around them - those who looked anyway. 

And it was safe to say both husband and wife had their heads spinning.

“That’s more like it.”

After that, Addie and Jaz managed to find out Dean and Mia’s love story. They made it up as they went along but, oddly, some parts felt real. Too real. 

“When did you know you loved her?” Addie asked. 

“I- Uh...”

“Babe, I think you’ve pestered them enough for one night-”

Addie shook her head. “No. No, I wanna know. Oh, please tell me.”

And so, after a little more pestering and begging, Dean gave in. 

“It was...” Dean thought for a moment, “maybe five years after we had met. We’d been friends for the longest time. Been thought hell and high water together and, one morning I woke up and she was lay beside me like always - she’d sneak in during the night if she woke up or if I did. I’d been the one to wake up that night, and she stayed beside me all night. And when I saw her that morning...I just knew. I knew I had been in love with her this entire time.” 

Dean placed his hand over Mia’s, constantly looking her in the eyes but it felt like he was looking into her soul. 

“What about you, Mia? When did you know?”

Mia, half-heartendly tore her gaze from Dean’s to look at Addie and Jaz. If anyone was watching them then they might have seen the fear flash across Mia’s eyes for a split second. But Addie and Jaz didn’t. Neither did Sam or Dean. 

“Oh, you...you don’t want to here that. What about you two? When- When - Addie, when did you know you fell in love with Jaz?”

Addie smiled. “I know what you’re doing, but I’ll go along.” 

Addie knew Mia was trying to avoid the question and turn it back on themselves but Addie didn’t mind. 

On the table, Mia could feel Dean sqeezing her hand and for a moment, she looked to him, squeezed back and smiled. 

It seemed natural after that.

Dean pulled Mia’s chair a little closer to him so she could lean against his shoulder and his arm went around her shoulders. His other hand lay resting in hers on his lap and they just talked with Addie and Jaz until they decided to scoot off to their bedroom leaving Dean and Mia to do the same. 

Neither pair let go of one another as the walked towards the elevator, got in and made their way to the bedroom suite. 

But what followed was something they had both - for a split second - forgotten about.

Mia collapsed onto the bed the moment they got inside and just lay staring at the ceiling. Dean was talking to her but she wasn’t really listening. She was away in her own thoughts. 

“Mia!” Dean raised his voice a little louder and she heard him. 

“What?”

Dean was about to repeat what he was saying but decided against it. 

Dropping the hand towel back in the bathroom, Dean strolled back out and crouched in front of Mia. 

“Hey,” 

Dean moved her hand and helped pull her up. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Honestly, Dean. I-I’m just tired, s’all.”

“No, it’s not. I’ve known you for eleven years and you’ve never been like this. I know you’re scared but, please,” Dean begged, “just talk to me.”

Mia sighed, a few syllables escaping her lips but before she could make a sentence, her breath became visible. 

Suddenly, the lights began to flicker and the room grew even colder. 

It was here.

From his pocket, Dean’s phone began to ring. 

“Dean, it’s a-”

“Ghost, yeah we know. We really need to work on your timing, Sammy.”

“Listen, Dean...the woman...cremated...fin..ie...be..ere..oon.” The line was cut off after that. 

“What did he say?”

“I don’t know but I think she’s already been cremated.”

“So what’s holding her here?”

Suddenly, the doors were kicked open. 

“Addie? Jaz?”

“Where is it?!”

“What-”

Dean seemed to get to the conclusion a little quicker than Mia. 

“You’re hunters?!”

“Yep. Where-” 

The bride’s spirit flickered from the bathroom and then to the other side of the bed. 

“Quick-”

They weren’t quick enough. All of them were thrown against the walls of the room before they crashed to the ground. 

“Dean! Dean!” 

Sam turned around the corner, salt gun raised. He shot a round and it disappeared. 

“Nice timing.”

“She was murdered in this room.” Sam told Dean as he helped him up, Dean rushing to Mia to help her up. 

“Aren’t the staff supposed to let you know about that?” Jaz asked. 

“They didn’t know. Some guy just cornered me, he knew why I was here..sorta.”

“Was he the husband?” Addie asked. 

“No.”

“So we’ve got the bride of Frankenstien killing married couples, why?” 

“Don’t know but she’s tied to this room some how.”

Suddenly Jaz held onto her head and dropped to the ground. 

“What? What is it?”

After a few moments Jaz relaxed. “He killed her. He killed her on the wedding night.”

“Her husband?”

Jaz groaned in pain again. “Yeah. She’s...she’s protecting the brides but- Argh! - but when they don’t listen to what she’s trying to - agh! - do...they become collatoral.”

The room grew cold once more and this time, Dean was thrown against the wall before Addie, Jaz and Sam were pushed back.

“Dean!”

The spirit appeared in front of Mia when she tried to rush towards Dean. 

“Please...don’t.”

The spirit turned her head a little before her look became darker. Her eyes were almost demon like as she held out a hand and Mia was now the one pushed against the wall. 

It felt like she was being strangled.

“I - I know what he did to you, but Dean --” Mia tried to breathe. “Dean, he’s not like that. He’d never hurt me. Please I know what your husband did and I know that he hurt you but this -- this isn’t right. You - You have to stop. He’s good. He wouldn’t hurt me like yours did.”

The grasp that had been holding Dean down loosened and he could finally breathe again. Jaz, Addie and Sam were still against the wall, however. 

“Please, just let her go. I know you don’t want to do this to people. Please, don’t do it to her.”

Suddenly, Mia dropped back to her feet and was able to breathe again. The spirit slowly moved back in horror whilst Dean rushed over to Mia, holding her up, checking her over before hugging her. 

The darkness that surrounded the spirt disappeared and Addie, Jaz and Sam were free to move. 

The spirit was now in a white dress that was blood splattered and torn, her hair disheveled and just pure fear on her face. 

“He hurt me.” The spirit explained. “He pushed me inside and held me down. I - I felt everything. And -- I couldn’t stop him.”

Though she gained a worried look from Dean, Mia walked towards the Spirit. 

“He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“I came back...but I wasn’t me. And I killed him.”

Sam then realised; the first vics...they hadn’t been the first...the spirit had been. 

“I just...I got so angry and upset. I trusted him...and he killed me.”

Mia nodded. “He can’t hurt you anymore. But you can’t keep hurting people.”

“I know, but I tried to leave...”

“Is there something that could be holding you here?” Dean asked as he walked forward. 

The spirit thought for a moment before walking over towards a loose piece of carpet. Beneath was wedding ring. 

“We’d gotten married and forgotten the rings. I’d left them in here.”

Dean picked them up and handed them to Sam. 

“I’m so sorry.”

The next morning, Sam, Addie and Jaz had delt with the burning of the rings whilst Dean and Mia stayed back in the room to clean up. Neither said much but what was there to say?

“So...what was the whole thing last night? You a psychic?” Dean asked. 

Jaz nodded. “Medium. It hurts when they tell me things but...it helps. Helps us get them to move on and for us to understand why.”

“What about you two? You had your honeymoon ruined-”

“Oh, no, we’re not-” both Mia and Dean explained. 

“It was just for the hunt. We can blame Sam for that.” Mia added. 

Addie gave her wife a look before looking back to Dean and Mia. “For the hunt?”

“For the hunt?”

Sam yelled for Dean to ask him something, Dean taking Mia’s bag for her. This left the three women alone together for a few moments. 

“Well...whoever wins your heart will be a lucky guy.” Addie said. 

Mia gave a weak smile however Jaz could see right through it. 

“Honey, someone’s already got her heart. They’ve had it for a long time.” 

Addie went wide-eyed with excitment but before she could give any other reaction, Jaz sent her with their bags to the car. 

“So, what will you do now?”

“Maybe take a real honeymoon.” Jaz told her. “I know it’s not my place but, have you ever thought in maybe telling him? Because, up until this morning, even I thought you were together.”

Mia gave a slight laugh as she kicked the invisible dirt on the ground. “No. We’ve...Dean and I...we’ve been friends for eleven years and...I don’t know. I guess I’ve lost him so many times before, I wouldn’t want this one to be permenant. I love him so much I...I don’t want to risk loosing him all together.”

Jaz gave a sad smile but a smile nonetheless. She gave a tight hug to Mia, Mia doing the same in return before she walked over to her wife, the pair driving off together but not before waving goodbye to Sam and Dean. 

“If you ever need help.” Addie told them 

Sam smiled. “We’ve got your number.”

“Bye.”

As they drove away and Sam got into the car, Dean turned to look at Mia. 

“Can you imagine it? Us together?”

Mia smiled whilst her heart breaked a little inside her chest. “Yeah...we’d kill each other.”

“I guess that’s why we work well together. I think if I died again you’d bring me back just to kill me again.”

“You know me well, Dean.”

Mia slipped into the back seat whilst Dean took up the driver’s seat and they began the short drive back to the bunker. But Mia couldn’t help but let her mind wander...what if she did tell him? Would she loose him?

#dean wincehster #dean winchester x oc #dean winchester x you #supernatural #spn #spn fandom #spn fanworks #spn fanfic #spn family #sam winchester #fake dating #marriage #ghost hunt #long fic #would you like a part 2 #friends to lovers #best-friendsinlove #spn x oc #spn x you #pining #angst #angst ending #love #fluff #hunting #spn hunt #dean winchester x reader #family #supernatural family #Longoneshot

[simonalkenmayer]

Maybe this isn’t the most obvious “positive thing,” but I’ve been in a dark place for about a month.

I did something shitty, lost important relationships, and I couldn’t stop beating myself up about it and comparing what I did to people of my past who were genuinely a whole lot worse- so I’ve been throwing myself at work.

Extra 12 hours 3 weeks in a row. My self-loathing was so bad that convincing myself to drink water was a struggle-

But I had my coworkers. I love my job. I love the people I work alongside even more.

Throughout the past few weeks, they’ve helped me a lot. They don’t know it but every word that they’ve said to me have helped me keep going. Literally saved my life (I had those dark thoughts and set a date- and then accepted a shift at work and the genuine gratitude that I had towards these people has protected me from myself.)

Among all of the things they’ve done that have made me feel at home- is water bottles. One of my coworkers decided to give me water bottles over this time. It feels silly- but these water bottles helped so much. I looked at them and I thought about my coworker and it reminded me that even if I can’t love myself right now other people still care. I am still needed here and I am still loved even if I’ve lost old relationships. So I’ve never had a great relationship with life. But because I keep talking to these people I’m better for it.

And another part that gave me joy is that I actually told the water bottle coworker how grateful I was for his presence and for those water bottles. I sent the message late, but that meant it was one of the first things he seen when he woke up and he told me, multiple times throughout that day, that I had made his day and that he would ride off that high by doing more good. So- I created a little cycle just by giving back the little kindness and it feels wonderful.

Life isn’t perfect but I’m learning to love it for what it is and plastic water bottles get to hold power too.

I always heed that sage advice from a very wise man:

Look for the helpers.

[fizzingwizard]

Recently:

So at the end of last year (school term), my boss came to me and informed me that, this year, some classes would have only two teachers. I teach preschool - all our students are under 3. Our teacher-student ration is supposed to be 1:6. But when I took the job I was told that even if there were fewer than 12 students, we would still always have 3 teachers in a class.

This is CRITICAL because this job is designed around the idea that there will be one foreign teacher and two native speakers. There are way more tasks than can be done by just two people - and that’s WITHOUT factoring in actually supervising the children. Literally, you’d think as a Pre-K teacher, watching the kids would be Task #1, and it is, but only when something goes wrong and management needs someone to blame 😇 of course!! Then they’re all “The safety of the children should come before anything else!”

But any other time, they’re like, “Why haven’t you finished tasks 1-50? Also here are 20 more tasks we’re adding, on top of the additional 20 we gave you this time last quarter, because unless we’re constantly demanding more of you we feel that we as management are redundant 😇😇 you should easily be able to do all this in an 8 hour period with no breaks even though that’s illegal 😇😇😇”

and yeah we’re not getting breaks ^^ when do I sit down? Gee, if I have a 15 min chunk of “prep” and the person taking over my shift is a couple min late, meaning I actually have only 10 min and can’t do anything with it so I might as well just sit and stare at the wall.

By the way, it’s illegal. Our contracts say we get 1 hour prep, 1 hour break every day. It’s not a matter of “Sometimes things are tight and we can’t manage it.” It’s a matter of “Things are so tight EVERY DAY that we can NEVER manage it.” I got this amount of break only once: the beginning of 2020. But I never had it before and never after, and at this point we’re luck to even get 1 hour total which means it’s PREP time and not break time. We don’t even get lunch breaks: we eat with the kids. If you wanna wait till you’re off to eat, have fun eating lunch at 3:30.

Also we are responsible for cleaning the whole school every day, and when do we do that? During our... drum roll.... BREAK time! So now we are cleaning during PREP since we have no BREAK, meaning we have even LESS TIME to prep, meaning we prep during class time whenever we can, which we’re not supposed to do because 1) task no. 1 is watch the kids, and 2) it “looks bad to prospective parents visiting the school” OKAY, WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IT. WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO BUY, PREPARE, AND ORGANIZE THE MATERIALS FOR EACH OF OUR STUDENTS TO MAKE THEIR CRAFTS AND DO THEIR SENSORY PLAY. WHEN. WHEN. WHEN.

Also! They rounded us up to pick up the slack from ANOTHER SCHOOL which lost a teacher. So now me and my coworkers are taking turns doing an our overtime twice a week at a completely different school. We get paid for that hour at least, but alright, it’s too much to get into but basically it’s teaching a class with no format and no lesson plan at all. Weird enough if you’re the one in charge, but with that divided up among four different teachers it’s like... seriously just cancel the class until a new teacher can be found. If you don’t have a sub and have to foist it on a totally different school which is already full of overworked, understaffed teachers, CANCEL IT. Are the students learning anything?? I have no idea. I am sure that I’ll get an earful from management if they complain though!

Why doesn’t the school cancel it? THEY DON’T WANT TO REFUND THE PARENTS OF COURSE. They don’t want to refund them for the class where their kids aren’t learning anything, because the teachers 1) weren’t trained to teach them, 2) have more than enough of their own shit to do (I already teach multiple classes at my own school and don’t have enough time  to prep for those!) and 3) are used to teaching 2 year olds, NOT 10 YEAR OLDS.

Anyway! I’m ranting about that 2 teacher thing. Because when my boss told me, at the end of the year, I said, “I don’t want that. Don’t put me in a class with only 2 teachers.” Of course I don’t have the clout to demand it, but because I teach 2-3s, that means I already knew more or less how many kids I’d have because of the number of kids in the 1-2s class. So I did end up getting 3 teachers because of the 1:6 ratio: we are over 12 kids and here it is illegal to have fewer than 3 teachers in that situation.

But the 1-2s had no such guarantee because it was all dependent on how many students signed up, which management can of course control. So they started the year with less than 12 kids and just 2 teachers. In terms of ratio it’s fine. Let me tell you. Pre-K teacher-student ratios are STUPID. Out of this galaxy stupid! These teachers have worked so hard, picked up so much slack, again with no breaks!!! They really, really care about their kids and go above and beyond to the point that we have had very few incidents (child injuries etc) and nothing major. (We are also rather lucky in this year’s group bc normally we have kids who bite and hit but for some reason this year we don’t have any aggressive types. But that is just a fluke, a fluke we’re very grateful for!! but it’s totally typical of this age for some kids to bite and scratch bc they can’t talk and communicate in any other way.)

So they care and work so hard and management just keeps adding new students. And these kids are YOUNG and need everything done for them. My kids are 2-3, a little more independent, and even WE struggle. We have 3 teachers like I said, but because of the crazy situation, one of us is often sent away to help the 1-2s, so I have taught a lot this year with just 2 teachers like I told my boss I did NOT want to happen. It is STRESSFUL. We have TOO MUCH to do. If our tasks during the day were decreased, so that we could let one teacher watch the kids and one teacher take care of classroom tasks, then I wouldn’t care so much. But despite the number of teachers decreasing, the task load has only gone UP. It is IMPOSSIBLE to watch the kids and get everything done.

In the beginning of the year I had three kids with issues. One was out of control due to a very difficult family situation. This kid had zero stability and the only thing he wanted to do was run around and bash into things. Toys didn’t interest him, books didn’t interest him, I’m not even sure if cartoons could keep his attention because it just wasn’t there. He needed a teacher with him all the time.

Kid number two is the easiest because he is only difficult when he has tantrums. If you can calm him down, he’s alright. His problem is that he needs everything to be THIS WAY and canNOT handle it being THAT WAY. Which in a room with 13 other kids who all have differing needs is NOT doable, but he is two and can’t be expected to understand that. He used to run as well, but he has since grown used to us and our routine and gotten better. Currently he’s regressed though and we’re dealing with that all over again.

Kid number three was HUGE for a two year old and AGGRESSIVE. He attacked any other kid provoked or not (he imagined they were provoking him by existing nearby, basically). I am not exaggerating at all when I say he would try to attack another child, or sometimes a teacher, every five minutes. He 100% needed a teacher with him simply to calm him down and prevent him from hurting people.

So. Three teachers, 14 kids (last year, btw, we had 18! 😇). Two kids who need one teacher’s full attention 100% of the time, one kid who needs a teacher’s full attention half of the time - and 11 other kids who, while normally doing okay, are also only 2-3 and have 2-3 yo needs and get tired and cranky and need hugs and help learning how to share toys...

HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO IT?? And if WE couldn’t do it, how are the two teachers with the 1-2 yos supposed to even begin to do it?

And on top of that: all those classroom tasks I mentioned! Who’s going to do THEM?

Do you know how my class got by? Well, kid one and kid three ending up LEAVING THE SCHOOL! That’s how! Kid one left for home reasons. Like I said, his home situation was awful and all I can do is pray that things got better thanks to this change. He was very difficult for us to handle, but we would never blame him or any child for that. It was obviously the result of having no home stability. (To be clear, we never suspected abuse of any kind. The circumstances were more out of people’s hands. Deaths in the family etc and the kid being sent from one relative to the other and custody battles. Of course if we suspected abuse we wouldn’t have said nothing.) So we are sad to lose him and hope he goes on to a wonderful life. But, yes, the class is much easier without him.

And kid number three left because, when we tried to talk about ways to help him deal with his constant aggressive behavior with his parents, they flipped out. At first they seemed receptive, but you know, parents are very sensitive and feel that any discussion of their child’s behavior is us pointing our finger at them and saying they’re bad parents. Mom took the kid to a specialist who said that he has a delay of some sort, but he’s too young to say what it is specifically, and that all we can do is what we are already doing (watching him like a hawk). Mom tried to work with us, but then dad got involved, and suddenly both parents didn’t like anything the specialist said and didn’t want anything to do with us. When the situation in our class didn’t change (amazing how doing nothing leads to... nothing!), they decided to switch their kid to another school. Well, all the best to him. We have not heard boo from them since. My class calmed down SIGNIFICANTLY as a result of this kid leaving because before, we never had time to focus on any of the other kids. It was always simply “Watch Kid 3, watch kid 3, negotiate with kid 3, take kid 3 outside to calm down, give kid 3 as much special attention as possible because  the minute you even look at other child he will start attacking someone.” I told my adviser I felt like I didn’t even know who the other kids in my class were.

So my class is doing as well as it is because we sometimes have 3 teachers and we no longer have 2 out of our 3 difficult students. If we still had all three of those kids, what would things be like now?

Because here’s what’s going on: those 1-2 yo classes with two teachers each? Well, one of them had a teacher who constantly called out sick. At first it was a few times a month. Then it was at least once a week. Then it got to a point where she was only showing up maybe two days each week. It’s medical circumstances so I don’t know the details. I don’t doubt that she’s sick or blame her for needing time to recover. That is life, getting sick isn’t anyone’s fault, and it’s impossible to do our very physical, on your feet all day, no down time at all job if you’re in constant pain. The problem isn’t the sick teacher: the problem is the management WHICH DID NOTHING TO REPLACE HER. NO-THING.

Instead of sending a sub when she was out, or negotiating for her to stay home long term and give us a long term sub in her classroom, management did NOTHING and let US, the already critically overworked staff with no breaks, who area already picking up slack for that other school, pick up the slack for this teacher as well. Me and my coworkers were just rotating days leaving our own classes to take care of hers. (So I didn’t have 3 teachers most of the time, is the effect.) Sometimes you’ve have Teacher A help for one hour, then Teacher B for 30 min, then teacher C... or maybe an admin with no teacher training!

That class has one other teacher who’s been with them all year, and she is a saint in my eyes, because she has basically had to do EVERYTHING: all the craft prep, all the activity planning, all the communication with parents. It’s ALL on her. The sick teacher wasn’t in enough to help, and subs can’t take over those things. She finally, FINALLY broke down about it last week. I told my leader, if it were me, I’d have broken down months ago.

Management’s response? Well, her class is FINALLY getting that sub... except, they don’t have a sub, for some reason. IDK why, other schools do! In fact, one sub’s home base IS our school, and yet instead of letting her stay here, they send her to other schools... IDK man I really don’t know!!! So since there are no subs, two teachers are tagteaming to help this class. At least it’s no longer one of us, but it’s still far from ideal, because the regular class teacher still has do all the prep herself. But at least she’s getting slightly more consistent help??

And THEN. Here is where things really fall apart.

Remember we started this year with 2 teachers fewer than usual. Now, the sick teacher is not coming at all anymore until she recovers, which is expected to take months. So that’s minus one more. Then one of my coworkers got covid, so she has no choice but to quarantine for 10 days. We have one new teacher in the second 1-2 yo room, but that’s because they now have 15 students, many of whom are new and need tons and tons and tons of help. We have the sub in the other room, but sometimes they only stay for actual class time, ie, not morning or after care, so we can’t rely on their help during those times.

So basically this week we are down FOUR TEACHERS. Plus - before any of this happen there were teachers who requested to take this Friday off. It’s a popular time to use PTO because today, Thurs, is a national holiday. They requested this day before any of this shit hit the fan and were given permission. So actually. Guess what. We are down not four... but SEVEN TEACHERS tomorrow. And guess what else... we can’t make the 1:6 ratio no matter how hard we try!!!

We are getting some help from another school... or we WERE... because at least one of THOSE teachers coming to help just came down with covid and can no longer come! X’D hit me with a hammer!!!!! please!!!!

Not only did we spend this week trading teachers from room to room like we have been all year, but I have to keep sending my own students to other classrooms just to make ratio. I HATE doing it. We try to only send kids who won’t have trouble adjusting. Some kids feel separation anxiety or maybe that being sent to another class is a punishment, so we never force any kid to leave. There’s usually a kid who is very easygoing and will just see it as a fun field trip. That’s the kid we send. But it still sucks, just personally for me because I like my class and love all my kids and want them together.

But more relevantly, it sucks because we’re in a situation this Friday where like I said, we don’t have enough help, so kids in MULTIPLE CLASSES will be playing musical classrooms just to make ratio. It’s bad enough when just one kid has to move to another room. Multiple is a recipe for a disaster. All my childcare instincts are against it. When you shake things up like this, especially in an environment like ours where routine is what keeps things going, you are taking MASSIVE RISKS with child safety. We all know about the kids with allergies or medical issues in each class - but of course the classroom teacher naturally has the most PRESENT knowledge about their own students. It is dangerous to be sending kids around to different rooms and switching things up - we had a situation once where there were kids in the room who weren’t usually and therefore weren’t on the snack checklist - meaning we could easily have given snack to a child with an allergy to the snack! Of course we noticed and got it sorted before giving the kids food. But imagine if we were all new teachers just learning the ropes. And even with us being experienced, this meant our timing was backed up 10 min... and we DO NOT HAVE WIGGLE ROOM.

Why don’t Pre-K classes have built in wiggle room, you ask? SEARCH ME. Seems to me to be an obvious necessity when kids are this young, needy, and unpredictable... but I guess nope!

And allergies/dangers aside. It’s so much easier to misplace a water bottle, a kid’s bag, or accidentally send two kids home wearing each other’s pants, or any of the myriad other situations that occasionally happen even when things are relatively normal just because teachers are tired or communication broke down etc. Now you want to throw everything in the blender as well. That kind of things is WAY more likely to happen if you do that.

And bottom line. This year we have had very few incidents. Not even sending kids home in each other’s pants :P Do you know why? It’s because my coworker are rock stars. Even the new ones have been exceptionally hard workers for being new. We all care so, so much about these kids and want them to feel none of the stress that their teachers are in. Why do I keep at this job despite everything? I seriously love my kids and I enjoy what I do. I don’t expect perfection, I know most every job has annoying management and an overload of tasks - that’s one reason I don’t try to switch bc I imagine I’ll have a lot of the same but minus the hugs from my kids and getting to do adorable crafts with them. That being said, it has gotten unreasonable. There’s expecting too much of people and then there’s expecting the impossible. I can’t even cover the required material in my lesson plan. I don’t have time. I don’t have money because they cut our stipend for materials. I don’t have anything. Actually, this year in particular, we’ve been short on: diapers, disinfectant, wet wipes, paper towels, EVEN BOTTLED WATER. i don’t know the reason. It’s just been that way all year. It may have to do with our new school manager, who is nice, but new, and basically learning by trial by fire. I feel bad for her. I like her but yeah, having a brand new school manager has not helped the disaster that is this entire year.

But what I mean to say is we are only doing as well as we are because we are working our asses off and helping each other and doing our best to stay positive. There have been a couple tiffs between teachers especially recently. I told my coworker, it’s not because the teachers are unreasonable, it’s because they have been under so much stress that they’re finally blowing their lids. That’s why this happened. Because I know all these people and have seen them in stressful situations before and they don’t lose it. They don’t argue. We figure it out. This is not a pattern of getting angry, it’s an exception. Exceptions should be noted AS AN EXCEPTION. What caused it? Shitty policies, reduction of resources and staff, no one listening to us asking for help. So we end up with no one to rely on but each other - but we’re all only human and can only do so much and can only take so much.

What I don’t understand is why we can’t do the obvious to fix things. At least it seems obvious to me! First, stop taking new students. Yeah, the school needs money, I get it, fuck off. The school should have planned better. Also neither us teachers nor our students are seeing any of that money. So no more new kids. Two, we should have fewer tasks during the day. Anything that isn’t essential should be cut for now. We can bring it back some day when we have a full staff. That should mean 1-2s don’t need to “gargle” after lunch (Idk but Japan is obsessed with gargling. It is the key to Never Ever Getting Sick. Well, our kids still get sick plenty, and also they manly just drink the sink water. Idk how a 1 yo is supposed to gargle.) If the 1 yo teachers didn’t have to bring them all two by two to gargle, that would free up so much time for them after lunch. I would like do to the same with me 2-3s, but they are also potty training, so I do have to bring them to the bathroom anyway, so they might as well gargle and brush teeth while they’re waiting for the other kids. Three: less paperwork. Yeah, like management will ever agree to that lol! But seriously, enough with the bilingual newsletters and emails and posters and all the other things we have to do constantly and get translated and then proof-read and then signed off before we can post them. They take so, so much time and we only have so many computers (they used to be SUPER SLOW but this year got replaced by new ones that are fast which THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.) Other things: we don’t need to do all the cleaning we do every day. Mop the floor should be once a week. Gathering garbage: each class should gather its own and garbage duty should be divided so two teachers can do it in half the time.

Admittedly these changes wouldn’t help all that much, but they’d be something. Since we don’t have enough people, that means we are doing each other’s cleaning on top of our own too. Which means even less prep/break time. Basically, it means that the schedule might say you have 1 hour and 15 min non-consecutive break/prep time, but since you spend 30 min cleaning, it’s actually only 45 min.

like my dude, I don’t sit down between 7:30-3 pm most days these days. I’m up and down and standing and squatting and running and carrying kids and going up and down stairs and carrying lunch and cleaning up and mopping and chasing the escaped 1 yo down the hall and getting punched in the nose by a kid throwing a tantrum (one threw my glasses across the floor the other day lol) but I am NOT sitting even for five min.

And I still have a better situation than some of my coworkers.

I can’t even express the level of exhaustion right now. We just got told that we will be able to say what we want to management at the end of November. Well, I’ll say something, fat lot of good it will do. More likely I’ll be seen as someone who can’t cooperate with others and a complainer. Like I don’t bite my tongue and cooperate over and beyond every single day.

Every year I wonder if this will be my last year at this job, but there are so many factors to consider. The main one is, if I leave this job, but want to stay in Japan, where will I go? Because I can’t do eikaiwa again. I fucking hated it. And I don’t want to be an ALT again. After having my own class, I can’t imagine teaching in any other way, but especially not as an assistant to someone else, unless we were very, VERY collaborative and not restricted to lessons in some crappy English textbook.

My thought is my only option will be to go back to school and get a Master’s so I can teach elementary school here. By the way, what is a bachelor’s degree for? Seems to be worth literally nothing. You should skip bachelor’s and go straight to Master’s these days, lmao. But I just paid off my debt from undergrad and am very, very loathe to take on more when I have so little in savings. Like, my savings suck. I have saved up more by Not Going Home To The US, but uh, I would like to see my family again some day, you know?

also the yen freaking tanked so right now if I told you what my salary is in US money... you’d be like “go make more at mcdonalds” bahahaha

well I’m glad I ranted here so my poor boyfriend will hopefully not have to put up with it. He’s so nice and always listens but boy can I talk when I get started, especially when I’m this frustrated. So I feel bad doing it. Same thing when I call my mom. But I’m so like, I just can’t deal with it all by myself, I gotta tell someone, but I feel like they’re probably annoyed just hearing about how tough things are. Things are tough for everyone, Fizz.

There are good things too, though, so I’m gonna rant here and try to be more upbeat on phone calls.

Just gotta get through November and then I have a break. It’s a terribly, terribly busy November and I cry just thinking of it. But yeah. Then there’s a good long break till January. I’m going to do so much sleeping x’D

#fizz's life #ranting about work long and boring

[hellsimulation]

Highly recommend ghosting on a shitty job. It feels so good. Especially when they abuse you because they’re so desperate for employees because no one wants to work for their shitty abusive company. The best is when they beg you to show up and say you won’t be in trouble for being late. Babes I won’t be in trouble because I’m never coming back 💕

#my last real job pulled some MAJOR bs so I ghosted them #we agreed on 20 hours bc I’m disabled but they scheduled me for 39 anyway #gave me multiple 12 hour shifts when I told them I Would Not Do That #refused to give me the schedule we agreed on #paid $3 less than advertised and agreed on in the interview #PLUS it was under the table so mmm tax fraud #so I collected my first wad of cash and bounced lmao

[itsapeterthing]

Green || Bucky Barnes

pairing: bucky barnes x avenger!reader

summary: three times bucky realized you were more than a friend and the one time he finally admitted it (based on events from tfatws)

a/n: finishing this in time for the season finale tomorrow! reblogs and/or replies are super appreciated!!

word count: 3.1k

warnings: mentions of reader wearing a short dress, jealous bucky

masterlist || request || taglist

#1

“Nice of you guys to call me.”

Your hands in your jacket pockets, you announced your presence as you strolled up to the group of four men standing outside of the police station. You could basically feel the tension in the air as each man had a resolute expression written on all over their faces.

“What’s going on here?” You asked, slipping your hands out of your pockets and gesturing towards the group.

“What are you doing here?” Sam asked.

You might have been nicer about the situation if you weren’t utterly pissed that the two men hadn’t informed you about the mission that they had gone on.

“Incase you forgot, Sam, you’re not the only one who’s had to pick up where someone else left off. It’s my job to keep track of you guys.” You said. “... Also I’m Bucky’s emergency contact.”

“Well,” The blonde man leaning against the police cruiser said. “You’re a little late. I handled it.”

Looking up at the man in front of you, you gave him no inclination of defeat.

“You must be John Walker.” You said.

“So you’ve heard of me?” He smirked.

You crossed your arms, stepping away from the man who you had seen on television playing the role of Captain America. You had heard about the decision moments before the government had first displayed the impersonator on screen, but it had been too late for you to do anything about it or to inform Sam or Bucky in time for his appearance.

“I’ve heard of everyone.” You deadpanned.

“Yeah?” He asked, standing up straighter. “And who are you?”

Just as you were about to open your mouth, you felt Bucky’s hand land on your shoulder. Turning to glance at him, you watched as he shook his head, giving you a serious look. Despite the fact that you were now tasked with keeping track of the former members of the group of Avengers and were one yourself, you had been able to keep your identity a secret. Although to the world you were “Sorceress”- the Avenger with magical powers similar to those of Wanda Maximoff- to members of the team such as Bucky you were Y/n Y/l/n.

He didn’t trust John Walker and he didn’t want to bring you into their own mess. Although Bucky had been avoiding Sam’s text messages, Bucky had kept in constant touch with you since you first met him after he had come back from the Blip six months ago- even going as far as spending time together multiple times a week in person- not because you had to keep track of him, but because the two of you genuinely enjoyed spending time together. 

You were the closest thing he had to normalcy and he didn’t want the knockoff version of his best friend messing it up not only for himself, but for you too.

However, you didn’t see much of a way out of it. You weren’t going to just leave Bucky and Sam to handle the situation on their own, but you also didn’t see a way that you could work alongside them and not have John and Lemar figure out your identity sooner or later.

Gently taking Bucky’s hand off of your shoulder, squeezing it lightly before dropping it, you reached out your hand to John Walker.

“Y/n Y/l/n.” You told him. “Sorceress... and I guess the current caretaker of the Falcon and the Winter Soldier.”

Later, after the group had dispersed and you followed Sam and Bucky as they walked in the opposite direction, you were surprised when you heard Bucky’s tone of voice when he finally spoke up again.

“You shouldn’t have given him your name, Y/n.” He said.

You shrugged, hands tucked into your pockets once again. “It’s fine, Buck.” You assured him. “There wasn’t much else I could do. He was going to find out eventually-”

“Don’t act so casual about it. This is your identity- your life- and you’re just going to share it with some asshole like John Walker?”

“Woah!” You exclaimed, stopping in your spot. “What’s your problem, Buck? Why do you care so much?”

Noticing how both you and Sam were staring at him with furrowed eyebrows, trying to comprehend why he was making such a “big deal” about it, Bucky grew embarrassed, not understanding himself why he cared so much. Rather than admitting defeat however, Bucky threw up his hands, scoffing.

“Forget it, Y/n. I don’t care. Do what you want.”

And with that he picked up the pace, walking in the opposite direction of where you and Sam stood confused in your spots.

#2

“I couldn’t have worn something- I don’t know- a bit longer?” You called to the three men ahead of you, following them into the club as you tugged on the hem of your short dress.

“This a club in Madripoor, Y/n.” You heard Zemo say. “If you wore anything else you would be giving us away.”

Groaning you steadied yourself in your heels following behind Zemo and Sam. You slowed your pace to walk besides Bucky who had insisted on being at the back of the line behind you- telling everyone that it would be safer for everyone if he kept their backs covered.

“How are you feeling?” You asked as quietly as you could in the loud club.

“What?” He asked.

“How are you feeling? With the while Winter Soldier thing? If you don’t think you can handle it we can find another way-”

“It’s fine, Y/n.” He said. “Don’t worry about me.”

Instead of letting it go, you gently placed your hand on his exposed, vibranium arm, causing him to stop in his spot, looking at you.

“Bucky, I’m serious.” You said. “You matter too. If you can’t handle it, I’ll find a way to get the information without all of this, okay? I care about you, Buck. Just say the word.”

He almost couldn't focus on the words coming out of your mouth as he tried to keep his eyes focused on your face, rather than trailing down your body, finally noticing just how short the dress that was adorning your body was. As good as you looked in green, he swore he would kill Zemo once he got what he needed from him for dressing you in that.

As gorgeous as you were, however, your words meant everything to him and he hung on to every single one- no matter what you were saying. Hearing the sentiment that you had for him and that you would stick your neck out for him of all people made him speechless.

Just as he was about to open his mouth however, the two of you began to feel the eyes of other partygoers staring the two of you down. As soon as you noticed, you quickly snatched your hand away from his arm and continued your pace in front of him, Bucky quickly following behind.

“Distracted?” Zemo asked as Bucky stopped beside him at the bar.

Rather than answering, Bucky remained silent, falling into character with the thought of your shared interaction still playing over and over in his mind.

#3

Coughing on his hands and knees, trying to process what had just happened, all Bucky could hear was the obnoxious sound of the alarm blaring. When he opened his eyes again he saw the shipping container now consumed with flames and illuminated with a daunting red light. Recalling what had just occurred, he scrambled to his feet, calling out for you.

“Y/n?” He called. “Y/n!”

When he didn't immediately hear your voice, he began to feel his heart race in his chest. What if something happened to you? What if you were too close to the explosion? He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if something had happened to you. Just as he was beginning to start hyperventilating, the smoke catching in his chest causing him to double over and heave, he felt your hands wrap around either of his biceps.

“Buck?” You asked. “I’m- I’m so sorry. It happened so fast I couldn’t get a forcefield around everyone. Thank God you’re okay. I was so afraid something happened-”

Cutting you off, Bucky shook your hands off of his arms, instead pulling you into his arms. Although you and the super soldier had spent more quality time than you could count together prior to starting this mission, you had never hugged before, but being in his arms you couldn’t find a single complaint, instead silently wrapping your arms tightly around his torso, running your hands up and down his back.

“Hey it’s okay, Buck. I’m okay.” You said. “Let’s go, okay? Before this thing collapses on us.”

After that the two of you had followed Sam and Sharon into the area of shipping containers, taking out hitman by hitman along the way, when you had finally gotten through all of them, you watched as Zemo pulled up in a car besides the four of you.

“Nice ride.” You said as Bucky slipped into the front seat of the vehicle, yourself sliding into one of the seats in the back row.

“Thank you, Y/n.” Zemo replied, patting Bucky on the chest. “She’s a woman of taste.”

Bucky swore to himself for the second time within the past 12 hours that when given the chance he was going to kill the man beside him- with or without his therapist’s approval.

“You’re not going to move your seat up are you?” Sam asked.

“Nope.” Bucky said.

“That’s fine.” Sam conceded. “I guess I’ll just chill back here with Y/n.”

You laughed as Sam laid his arm against headrest of the backseats of the car.

“I’m fine with that.” You said. “Just me and my favorite person.”

Now Bucky knew that you were kidding, only teasing him to get a rise out of him, but glancing at the backseat and seeing Sam’s arm practically around your shoulders and you calling him your favorite person... just didn’t sit right with Bucky. Just as Zemo’s foot was about to hit the gas, Bucky shifted the car into park, swinging the door open and stepping out of the vehicle.

“What-”

“You can have the front.” Bucky said, swinging Sam’s door open.

“It’s really okay, Buck-”

“You said you wanted more space so you can have the front.” He said. “Go sit in the front.”

You watched as Sam turned to you, quirking his eyebrows before shrugging and stepping out of the car, switching to the passenger seat. You almost wanted to laugh as you watched Bucky squeeze into the backseat behind the passenger seat, his knees practically up against his chest.

“You good?” You asked.

Despite the groan that had involuntarily escaped his mouth from the discomfort of the front seat digging into his knees, Bucky nodded, stretching his arm out across the backseat, behind your shoulders.

“I’m great.” He assured you. “Now drive, Zemo.”

Although you didn’t catch it, the two men sitting in the front seat- despite their differences- couldn’t help but throw each other a knowing look before the car took off for their next destination.

#4

“Hey!” Torres called. “I see you got your sleeve back!”

You chuckled as you turned to glance at the man stood beside you. Despite it being a joke, not a single hint of a smile cracked the man’s hard exterior. The only reason he didn’t walk out of the room on the spot was because you were standing beside him.

“He’s just in a bad mood today.” You said, reaching your hand out to shake Torres’. “I’m Y/n.”

Taking your hand and shaking it in his, he furrowed his eyebrows. “What are you doing hanging around these guys?” He asked. “...Not that you can’t handle yourself! Sam just won’t even invite me on these things.”

Pulling your hand away from his, you smiled. “Think you can keep a secret?”

As soon as you asked the question you watched as the confusion written all over his face grew even more and you could hear Sam chuckling in the background.

“I’m Sorceress.” You said. “Like the Avenger? I just try to keep my identity pretty secret, you know?”

As soon as you revealed your identity to him, you watched as the man’s face dropped and he turned to look at Sam who was standing behind him.

“Wait- she’s-” Torres stuttered.

Sam nodded, laughing.

“Yep.” Sam said. “She’s the one you’ve been hounding me about setting you up with.”

Although you weren’t paying attention to him, Bucky had already disliked how the conversation was going- finding Torres to be a little too friendly for his liking and not loving that you exposed your identity to him immediately- but when he heard Sam’s confession, he stiffened in his spot, hands balling into fists at his side.

“What? Dude!” Torres exclaimed, glancing back and forth between you and Sam before finally turning back to you, chuckling nervously. “He's just kidding! I would never have a crush on you- wait! That came out wrong! Not that you’re not pretty because you are- I just think you’re cool-”

You continued laughing as the man stumbling over his words in front of you, finding it endearing until you heard the super soldier scoff beside you. You glanced at him only to see him cross his arms while rolling his eyes before making his way out of the room.

Turning back to Torres you gave him a quick smile, pulling a card out of your pocket. “I have to go, but it was nice to meet you Torres. If these boys get in trouble again, make sure to call me first thing, okay?”

He took the card from your hand, nodding. “Uh yeah- yeah! Of course!”

With that you waved to both him and Sam before following the path Bucky had taken out of the room seconds before.

Seeing his figure pacing across the room, you threw your arms up in the air.

“What’s your problem?” You asked.

Stopping in his spot he turned to face you.

“What?” He said. “I don’t have a problem.”

You couldn’t help but scoff, crossing your arms. 

“Uh yeah. You do.” You said. “Did I do something to piss you off or something? Are you mad at me for coming on the mission? Because I’m sorry if I wanted to help save the world and make sure you guys didn’t get killed in the process.”

Bucky just stopped and stared at you standing across from him with your arms crossed. He hated to admit it, but you look pissed at him. It hurt knowing that you were upset with him, but it hurt a little more knowing that you felt as though he was mad at you when in actuality that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

“Y/n.” He said, stepping closer to you. “I’m not mad at you.”

“Then why did you just storm out of the room?” You asked.

He couldn’t think of a reason besides the truth. He could lie and say that he was   mad at you, but that wouldn’t solve the situation for anyone and could possibly strain your relationship farther- and that was the last thing he could possibly want.

The two of you stood there in silence, staring at one another as Bucky attempted to find the words in his head to ease your concern without exposing himself in the process.

But you were never one to back down with him.

“Bucky,” You said. “What’s the problem? What did I do? Why are you so angry-”

“Because I don’t like the way that guy was talking to you!” He exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air.

“What?” You asked. “What are you talking about?”

Bucky realized he was in it now. He couldn’t see a way out of it.

For the past week, Bucky couldn’t help but notice that he cared for you a bit more than friends should. Maybe he always did. He thought back to the times he would eagerly await your weekly lunches or the comfort he felt when you took him furniture shopping after seeing his empty apartment for the first time. He thought back to the times you would show up outside of his door when he was upset because you were the only person he trusted there with him in those intimate moments- he knew that you were more than just his colleague, but he realized now that you were more than his friend.

Recently it became more obvious, the burning in his chest he felt when others became a little too comfortable with you- he attempted to mask it with just wanting to protect you, but he knew you could handle yourself. He was protective over you so he wouldn’t lose you.

Just when you opened your mouth to speak again, he cupped your face in his hands. He watched as your eyes widened, but didn’t make any move to stop him. When he caught your eyes trailing from his eyes to his lips, he pulled you towards him, meeting your lips in the middle.

Maybe it was because he hadn’t kissed anyone in eighty years, but he had never felt the way he had in that moment before. He was so utterly consumed in you- the feeling of your hands reaching for his jacket, tugging him closer as you deepened the kiss, your soft lips against his, your warm breath against his face- he was lost in it.

When you finally pulled away, he didn’t want to let go, but leaned back anyway, staring at his world- you- that he now held in his hands.

“Buck...”

“I think I like you more than a friend.” He confessed.

You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your face at his words. You had always cared for Bucky as more than just your former fellow Avenger, but knowing that he felt the same as you was something you could hardly believe.

“I think I do too.” You laughed, then recalled what you had come in there for in the first place. “James, were you... were you jealous?”

Thinking back over the past week the two of you had spent together on the mission, he could almost laugh at the question you had just asked.

“You’re joking, right?” He chuckled. “Yeah. You could say I was a little bit jealous.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes oneshot #Bucky Barnes drabble #bucky barnes blurb #Bucky Barnes fluff #Bucky Barnes angst

[helliontherapscallion]

Privileges (Adrenaline Junkie Part 11)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 6     Part 7     Part 8     Part 9     Part 10     Part 12     Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 16     Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: slight description of death/injury/illness, small description of homelessness, slight panic attack

Word count: 2,845

You and Arthur sat at the top of the cliff for a while sitting in silence. Glancing at the sun’s position, you guessed that it’s been a couple of hours. You continued to wait patiently for him to gather his courage that you knew he had. He looked conflicted. 

The wild herds of livestock grazed peacefully below you, filling the silence with various moos and oinks. Various flowers colorfully dotted the green grass with multiple shades of vibrant blues, yellows, whites, and reds. The few clouds that littered the baby blue sky rolled endlessly above you, giving you a sense of peace and entertainment when you tried to make out mobs from the abstract shapes. The breeze lightly blew against your skin making you shiver every now and then from the feeling of it working its way through your feathers and hair. It was a perfect day for flying.

While you were waiting, you took out the snacks and water and handed them to Arthur. He originally didn’t want them, but you insisted he at least drink something today. He needed hydration if he was going to sit under the hot sun for hours. Every time he would take a deep breath (which was often), you would perk up and look at him ready to fully divert your attention towards him, only to look elsewhere when he would sigh. You were starting to lose your patience, but you knew you had to hold out for Arthur. That poor kid looks like he’s been through a lot in such a short amount of time. 

You mindlessly munched on a granola bar. The chocolate and grain danced on your tastebuds in perfect harmony like an old married couple gleefully waltzing at their grandchild's wedding. Washing down the taste with water, you feel the cool liquid slither it’s way down your throat, relieving parts with it’s refreshing properties. You let your mind wander to your brothers.

Technoblade, ever the individualistic, nonconforming anarchist, lived a couple of hours outside the outskirts of the Dream SMP lands. You visited his house once and it was nice, but you really didn’t like the cold. Your metal prosthetic froze to your amputated wing and it took several painful hours of waiting by the fireplace for it to unstick to your feathers. Techno appeared indifferent of the situation, but you knew he cared deep down. He always was a softie for his family members. 

Wilbur was in his element in L’manberg. Leadership came naturally for him, and you were immensely grateful for that. Without him, L’manberg would’ve gone down in history with dishonor. L’manberg was thriving under his just rule. Infrastructure was slowly starting to spread throughout the entirety of the small nation, making it easier to travel. You always flew everywhere, much to the disapproval of Wilbur (“(y/n), can’t you just use the roads I just built?”), so the infrastructure never really affected your daily life. You appreciated that he was working so hard to build his symphony up from measure one to the end. He was truly the heart and soul of his great nation.

Tommy was… well for lack of a better description, Tommy. You were incredibly proud of him, giving up his prized music discs was a gigantic sacrifice for him. It really showed how much he grew up from being the toddler you met a little over a decade ago. Your little brother wreaked havoc in L’manberg, but a good kind of havoc. Tommy and his partner in crime Tubbo were the ones that eased tension during the War. Even after the War, they always actively searched for adventure. They made people smile as they would run past, they knew they were in for a show later on in the day. Tommy and Tubbo gave the nation life outside of its physical growth, they were the morale of the nation. 

You supposed that you were somewhat important to L’manberg, but not as important as your brothers. Sure, they used your inventions to help fight Dream and his goons, but they would’ve been able to do that without your creations. Though, it was satisfying to see the looks on their faces when the L’manbergians whipped out the portable TNT launchers and automatic crossbows to absolutely decimate them. You didn’t really supply L’manberg with physical or morale growth, you were just… there. In your cramped workshop. Tinkering endlessly with inventions that you hoped would make people’s lives easier. 

“(Y/n), I’m ready.”

You jumped a little, turning to him and giving him what you hoped was an encouraging smile. He took a deep breath, looking anywhere but at you.

“It started when I was seven. Mama and Papa were sick. We didn’t have enough money to pay for a doctor, so me and my brother Hugh were trying our best to take care of them. We weren’t good enough though, they died after a couple weeks. 

“People came to take us away from Mama and Papa, but Hugh told me to run away as far as I could. He told me that he’d be right behind me. So, we ran to the woods. He said that he knew a few people that lived there that’d be able to help. We lived with them for three years, they were nice people. 

“One day, they needed supplies so me and Hugh went to go find a cave. The cave we found was really pretty, it had tons of redstone and iron. We went deeper and deeper til we found a huger cave. It had tons of feathers there and some red brown stuff on the walls.” You felt a shiver run down your spine as you realized that those were probably yours. You wondered if they were still down there.

His voice started to get strained and wobbly. “A-and we saw it. Hugh told me to hide and not make any noise so I did and… and it killed him.”

Tears steadily dribbled down Arthur’s freckled cheeks as his lip wobbled and his nose turned as red as his hair. He was starting to hyperventilate. You reached over and pulled Arthur into a tight winged hug. You gently rubbed his back and whispered reassurances into his ear.

“It’s alright Arthur, please breathe with me. In,” you took a deep breath, “and out.” You let out the breath. Even though his breath was steady a few minutes later, you still kept him in a tight hug. It absolutely devastated you that he went through so much in his short life. He started sobbing again.

“(Y/n), it took his soul! Hugh’s still down there with it!” He blubbered out.Your hand froze on his shoulder. 

What. It can’t take souls, could it? That’s not possible, right? …Right? You were going to have to ask Philza about it, but Arthur is your first and only priority right now. His loud sobs were slightly muffled by your shoulder as you felt your shirt get slightly wet with his tears. You did your best to comfort him, but you weren’t used to comforting a child that just lost his only family. 

“I’ll never let that happen to you again. I promise.”

You sat with Arthur protectively wrapped in your arms until you saw that the sun was going to set in the next few minutes. Not good, not good at all. You looked down at Arthur, his eyes were closed in a deep sleep, taking deep shuddering breaths in and out. Good, you needed to get him out of there and you didn’t want to traumatize him anymore than he already is by showing him how mobs react when you’re near them. 

You hastily packed up your stuff before taking off as quickly as you could without waking the sleeping boy. You flew as fast as you could through the air, keeping a tight grip on Arthur as you cut through the darkening sky. You could see zombies, skeletons, spiders, and the occasional enderman below you. Luckily, they didn’t notice you as you flew overhead. 

Just as the lit up house entered your line of sight, you felt something whiz past you accompanied by a strong gust of wind. Looking down, you realized that it was a skeleton. It shooting an arrow garnered the attention of the surrounding mobs as they turned their heads to look directly at you. Shit.

You pushed yourself to fly faster and twisted your body so that if an arrow were to land, it would hit you and not Arthur. You felt the air around you shift as a myriad of arrows were shot at you. Dodging the best you could, you glanced down at Arthur. Still asleep. Good, he didn’t need to see this.

Getting closer to the house, you lowered yourself to the ground fully and pushed your feet against the grass, running for dear life as you heard a fwoosh of air right next to your ear. FInally, you reached the doorknob and swung the door open. Flinging yourself and Arthur inside, you slammed the door behind you, hearing the banging of arrows hitting the wood. 

You leaned against the door panting and closed your eyes, clutching Arthur closer to you in relief. You opened your eyes and peered down at his face. Still asleep? How much of a deep sleeper was this kid? Maybe he was just extremely emotionally tired from earlier. That’s probably how he impossibly slept through all that. 

You pushed yourself off the door and headed up to Wilbur’s, well Arthur’s room so you could put him to bed. You peeled the covers back and placed him gently on the mattress. You covered his body with the heavy comforter and tucked him in. His face visibly relaxed and a slight smile quirked onto his lips. You took a deep breath and stood there watching him. That was certainly a close one. Way too close for your tastes. You almost got him killed because you lost track of time. 

You swept the bangs out of his eyes and left the room, gently closing the door behind you. You tiredly drug yourself down the stairs to the kitchen so you could at least grab a small snack before passing out in the comfort of your bed. Today was just not your day. At least you’d get a decent night’s sleep tonight. 

Walking into the kitchen, you saw Philza sitting at the table looking at you with… was that relief or anger? Or a mix? He stood up and quickly walked over to you. You tensed up, fully expecting to get yelled at, only to feel him hug you. You melted into his touch and felt small tears prick at the corner of your eyes. You really needed a hug after today.

“Don’t ever do that again. I don’t care that you’re an adult, do you know how worried I was? I thought you and Arthur got hurt. He’s just a child and you’re on your last life (y/n). You need to be more careful.”

You didn’t say anything. You just buried your face into his shoulder and let out a silent sob. “I was so scared Arthur was gonna get hurt, I didn’t know what to do.”

The emotion you were holding in all day from sleep deprivation and lack of nutrients completely spilled out. You felt pathetic, crying in your dad’s arms like you were a kid again. He rubbed soothing circles on your back and led you to the couch where you both sat in each other’s arms. Once you calmed down, you pulled away and wiped at your eyes, facing away from him so he didn’t see your weakness. 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t sleep at all last night and everything just… came out.”

“Hey,” he chided gently, making you look at him, “don’t apologize for feeling emotions. You were bottling it all up weren’t you?”

You nodded shamefully. “...And what did I tell you and your brothers about holding it in?”

“Not to do it.” Your croaky voice cracked out. 

He smiled at you. “That’s my kid. Did you talk to Arthur?”

“Yeah. He’s actually alone, Dad. He doesn’t have anyone out there for him. And he… he said that they saw my feathers and blood down there on the walls and floor. Saw his brother get killed right in front of him… mentioned something about The Warden stealing his brother’s soul? It can’t do that right?”

You were met with silence. “...Right? Dad, you’re scaring me.”

“Yes, The Warden takes the souls of it’s dead. It’s how they live so long, they trap the souls in their chests and feast on the lifespans in rations until the soul is completely integrated into it’s very being.”

So that’s what the screaming white wisps that haunted your nightmares were. They were the souls of the dead. They were screaming in agony when The Warden killed you, so you thought they still held onto their humanity. You remembered hearing thousands of screams echoing off from the stony walls of the dark cave. Shuttering, you remembered how some of the souls stared at you in desperation and despair. 

“...So the souls are trapped with it forever?”

He nodded, not looking at you. The Warden killed you in your first life, why were you still… still you? It doesn’t make sense. 

You swallowed thickly. “Then why didn’t it take mine?”

“I don’t know hun, I wish I could tell you why. I thought you died for good before you respawned. I thought it took your soul.” His voice cracked slightly at the end.

You pulled him into a hug. “It didn’t and I’m still here. That’s the important part, Dad. I’m still here.”

Continuing to give him comfort, you trailed off as you remembered your first death. What could’ve prevented it from taking your soul like the rest? You blanched thinking about what it would’ve been like to be stuck with The Warden indefinitely. Trapped and suffering until it was fully integrated into it’s monstrous body for the rest of eternity. It sounded like hell on Earth. Before today, you thought death was the absolute worst outcome, but you were mistaken. You were given the mercy, no the privilege, of death that day. 

Was it because of the stone platform you landed on? That must’ve been it, there’s no other way you could’ve respawned if you landed anywhere else; the stone platform was the only space you could’ve landed that was far enough above the ground to bleed out. You remembered how your shattered ribs would grind together as you endlessly sobbed and the hot blood dripping off from your forehead and wing warming up your rapidly cooling form. Dying like that was a privilege compared to what the lost souls of the miners endured. You didn’t know how long they’ve been in there, but you still would rather die like that a thousand times over than have to be trapped inside that thing for all of eternity. 

Your thought process was interrupted as Philza pulled away and wiped the tears from his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was slightly blotchy, it’s been a while since you’ve seen him like that. He’s always been strong for you and your brothers. 

“...Why don’t we grab some dinner before we go to bed, I assume you didn’t eat…?”

His sheepish look gave you all the answers you needed. “There’s some leftover mushroom soup we could eat.”

You stood up and gave him a bright smile. “Let’s dig in then, I’m starving!”

He laughed as you pulled him off the couch and into the kitchen. “Did you eat anything after breakfast?”

You paused slightly then continued to pour the soup into two bowls. “...That’s not important.”

He pursed his lips. “(Y/n).”

“I had like a quarter of a granola bar if that counts.”

“(Y/n) you went through the day with only half your breakfast and a few cups of coffee in your system?”

“I know, I know, not healthy. But that still doesn’t take away from the fact that you didn’t eat dinner either.” You slid the bowl over to him across the table. 

His eyes narrowed in thought before he sighed in defeat. “Touché.”

You snorted and started to eat your soup. You hummed as the earthy flavor shimmied around in your mouth comforting you after today’s events. You automatically felt better after eating. You always found comfort in food. Before you knew it, both you and Philza were done with your dinners and were leaning back in your chairs. You felt your eyes start to droop against your will.

“Why don’t you go to bed and I can clean up. You look like you’re gonna pass out.” He snickered. You hummed in agreement, too tired to argue and murmured out a quiet “thanks. G’night, love ya.” You drug your feet up the stairs and plop down on your bed, passing out instantly as soon as your head hit the pillow.

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[retrievablememories]

crush on you | johnny

title: crush on you pairing: johnny x black!reader genre: fluff request: “Do you think you could do a scenario about Johnny coming home to Chicago and seeing (black) reader from his hometown and confessing his crush on her” word count: 3.6k warnings: some cursing, some kissing lol a/n: this southern girl don’t know a thang about chicago so i had to do some research here, don’t eat me up y’all...i’m trying to experiment with writing from multiple POVs so idk if it makes sense but you can tell me if it doesn’t lol

“Ah, it’s cold,” Taeyong rubs his hands together and puffs warm air into them, though it doesn’t do much to take the chill away.

“It’s that Chicago weather.” Johnny chuckles, largely unphased by the temperature outside. With their recent time off affording them a trip to Johnny’s hometown, Mark, Johnny, and Taeyong decided to visit the Chicago Botanic Garden; though it was mostly Johnny’s idea, since the others are still fairly new to the city. 

Every year around this time of the season, the Garden has a light show for the December holidays. Johnny saw it as the perfect opportunity to have some fun while sharing more American festivities with Taeyong and Mark. The other members can never get enough of finding something new and exciting to do whenever they’re overseas.

As they walk through the brightly lit landscape, Johnny catches a glimpse of a familiar face, and his laughter at one of Mark’s jokes trails off. He watches to make sure he’s seeing things correctly; yes, the two girls a few feet away from them. He’s not familiar with the other one, but the first girl is undoubtedly you, someone he remembers from his high school days. Same bright smile, pretty brown skin, and recognizable laughter, though you’ve obviously matured since then.

He tries not to be obvious about staring, but his gaze trails after you like he’s afraid he’ll lose track of you forever. He didn’t really expect to see you again after you both graduated high school, but here you are.

“....you know what I mean?”

“Huh?”

“You totally missed what I said!” Mark sighs. “I’m not telling the joke again—what are you even looking at? You’re completely distracted.”

“A girl,” Taeyong snickers, ducking his head and shoving his hands in his pockets. Mark’s eyebrows rise up to his bangs at that, and Johnny sighs.

“Oh, word? Who?”

Before Johnny can answer, you glance backwards, and the both of you catch eyes. You’re equally surprised to see him, but there is definitely recognition there. He’s almost shocked you remember him; but of course, he’s part of a famous kpop group now, so it’s not impossible to know who he is.

“So it is you,” you say. Your friend gives a knowing grin, and Johnny figures she must’ve been the one to notice he was there. Have you told her about him before? Maybe she’s even a fan of the group.

“You remember me?” Johnny asks, smiling slightly. The 3 men walk up to you and your friend and stop in front of you.

“Well, yes…” you answer. “You aren’t exactly the kind of person one forgets.” Johnny isn’t sure if that’s a good thing or not, but he is admittedly happy that he’s stuck in your mind all this time.

“I could say the same about you.”

You smile politely at that, though you feel a little embarrassed, too. You’re unsure what to say next, and your friend has to come in to save the day once again.

“You can walk with us if you want, the tour’s more fun in a group anyway.” The guys look at each other as if trying to decide if this is a good idea or not, though Johnny seems to have made his mind up already. Still, he leaves it open for you to decide when he says,

“I mean, if you really want us to come. We wouldn’t wanna disturb the good time you’re having or anything…”

“Dude, they’ve already invited us,” Mark snorts.

“Stop playing hard to get, you’re not very convincing,” Taeyong says in Korean, shaking his head at Johnny’s posturing.

Your friend giggles to no end, and all you can do is shake your head at her. “Yes, it’s totally fine. Come on!” You pull your friend along and wave for the other guys to follow.

Soon, though, your friend ends up hanging back a little with Mark and Taeyong as you and Johnny talk, walking through the colorful gardens.

“How long are you gonna be in town?” you ask, studying the small glittering lights all around you.

“A couple weeks,” he answers. “We got some time off, so…I wanted to come back home.”

“That’s nice. I can imagine it would get a little lonely being away from home all the time.”

“It can be, but you get through it…what about you? How’s life been treating you?”

“I’ve been fine...working and just living life and all that. I’m thinking about getting another degree or something, you know, just to feel more accomplished with myself...I mean, nothing as extravagant as being a worldwide star,” you say, laughing as you look at him, “but it’s life.”

“It’s great to be able to do that, though! You should be proud. If you decide to.” Johnny talks excitedly, almost like he thinks there won’t be enough time to say whatever he wants to. You nod at his words, grinning slightly at his fast talking.

“I think you’re right.” You look out across the way to see the tiny snowflakes that have begun to fall more rapidly. They’ve been coming sporadically for the past hour or so, but they’re falling more frequently now.

“Oh, you have one on your eye...” Johnny points to your face and you look at him quizzically. “A snowflake.” You let him get closer to brush it off your eyelash, though it quickly melts under his body heat.

“Thanks,” you say, your body warming from his actions.

Before you know it, your little group has walked around much of the gardens already, and the air is getting cold enough to make your teeth hurt from the chill. “Well, I guess we should be heading home soon,” you say, glancing over to your friend who looks to be having the time of her life with the other 2 men. She pouts at your words.

Johnny nods solemnly. “I’d like to talk to you again, especially since we haven’t seen each other in a while...could I get your number?” Your friend giggles behind you, and you have to resist the urge to give her a look.

“Is that a good idea? I don’t want your managers coming after me with pitchforks or something,” you say jokingly, but you’re partly serious about it, too. Johnny waves his hand, smirking as if it’s not important.

“That’s not a problem. They’re our managers, but they can’t run every aspect of our lives.” Taeyong gives a skeptical look at that but says nothing.

Biting your lip, you decide to take a chance with it. After swapping numbers, you say your goodbyes, with you nearly dragging your friend away as she takes her sweet time smiling and waving. “Girl. If you can manage to calm down on the way home, I’ll find a way to set you up with Taeyong or something, but chill!”

“Girl...don’t say that lightly, I’m holding you to it.”

Johnny lies on his bed in his childhood bedroom, scrolling through his phone. He looks through your Instagram page to see what you’ve been up to for the past few years. Maybe he should feel like more of a creep about it, but Instagram’s contact syncing feature made it ridiculously easy to find your profile, whether he was actively looking for it or not.

Mark already knows what Johnny is up to, and his interest is instantly piqued. “Hyung, how long are you gonna stalk her IG from your private account? This is like the 500th time in 3 days. Just call her if you miss her that bad.” Mark giggles mischievously as he says this. He tries to look over the other man’s shoulder, but Johnny shifts away from him, trying to shield his phone.

“It’s not the 500th time,” Johnny argues, his ears turning pink at being caught red-handed.

“You’re right, it’s the 501st time,” Mark says, making a grab for the older man’s phone. Johnny twists away from him, but he’s not quite fast enough to miss Mark’s swipe. His phone gets knocked out of his hand, though it thankfully hits the bed instead of the floor. Him and Mark end up wrestling around on the bed, with Johnny putting the younger boy in a headlock. Taeyong watches in amusement as the two fight.

“You’re doing too much,” Johnny says, rolling his eyes after letting Mark go.

“I’m doing too much, but you’re the one choking me out,” Mark huffs, fixing his disheveled hair.

In the mad scramble for his phone, Johnny realizes he’s accidentally liked one of your photos and he feels the back of his neck burn with embarrassment. Will you notice it and wonder who the faceless account liking your pictures is? “Fuck,” he blurts out, wondering if he should unlike the photo. You would’ve already gotten the notification for it, so what’s the point?

“What’s wrong?” Mark asks, unable to resist the urge to peek over Johnny’s shoulder again. Johnny elbows him away, and Mark yelps when he gets caught in the stomach.

“Dumbass, you made me accidentally like a photo...one from 2 years ago.”

“It doesn’t matter. I doubt she even cares or will notice it.” Taeyong pipes up from his spot across the room.

“Are you sure? Who isn’t gonna notice a weird ass private profile liking a 2-year-old post?” This time, Mark rolls out of the way before Johnny is able to cuff him upside the head.

Taeyong sucks his teeth. “It really doesn’t matter. You already have her number! Who cares about accidentally liking an Instagram post? She won’t know it’s you either way. Like Mark said, just call her and stop freaking out about it.”

“The fact that she gave you her number at all means she doesn’t see you as a total weirdo, so you have a chance of everything working out,” Mark says, lying back on the bed with his arms behind his head.

“Somehow, I’m not sure if that makes me feel worse or better.”

It doesn’t take Johnny very long to lure you out of your home once you start texting each other. On Friday, you get a message from him that reads:

12:02 P.M. Johnny 🧸 Do you wanna hang out somewhere?? Like today?

12:03 P.M. Very last minute of you, lol. Depends on where you’re gonna take me

12:03 P.M. Johnny 🧸 🙃 I know a spot

12:04 P.M. Where would that be?

12:04 P.M. Johnny 🧸 Do you trust me??

12:04 P.M. ?! Trust you? I’m scared. Where are you even taking me lmao

12:05 P.M. Johnny 🧸 Somewhere cool. But you gotta trust me first. I can show you a whole new world

12:06 P.M. Please. You’re such a cornball :( But okayyy, I’ll go

You give him your address and go to get ready afterwards. You’re unsure what to wear, but it’s always freezing cold this time of year, so you figure you’re safe with bundling up no matter where you’re going.

Johnny comes to pick you up not long after, and you go out to meet him in his car, which is idling in your driveway.

“You look really cute,” Johnny says after you get into the car, his lips curling into a little cat-like grin.

You try to play it cool, though you can’t stop the smile that spreads on your lips. “Mmm, thanks.”

You two make casual small talk on the way to your destination, talking about what you did that week, what you plan to do next week, and the weather—which is cold, cold, and more cold.

You sit up straighter once you finally get to where you’re going, your eyes widening a bit as you look out the window. “The Museum of Contemporary Photography? I don’t think I’ve been here before.”

“Even better. It’s always fun to have a brand-new experience.”

“I’m a little surprised though, you made it sound like we were going on some dangerous mission,” you say laughingly as you both walk into the museum. There’s already a decent amount of people present, lingering around and looking at the exhibits. “Do you live for drama or what?”

“Drama, excitement, it’s all the same thing. It’s what makes life interesting.”

You and Johnny walk through an exhibit from a photographer with a wealth of city and natural scenery photos, though there are a few portraits scattered throughout. Most of them are in black and white, with a smattering of full-color pictures grouped together.

“I haven’t been to a museum in a long time,” you sigh, tucking your hands into your pockets as you walk along a wall of monochrome photos. “I forgot what it’s like to sit back and appreciate art. Sad, huh.”

“Maybe not sad,” Johnny says, trailing after you. “Sometimes life just gets in the way and you can’t do everything you want to.”

“Doesn’t it? I’m sure you’re familiar with that, though...it really has been a while since I’ve been able to actually enjoy something simply for the sake of enjoying it.”

“That’s why I’m here!” Johnny says this cheerfully, his eyes twinkling like he’s just found the answer to all your problems. Or your biggest one, at least. Your face cracks at his goofy grin, and you duck your head while holding in your laughter. “Really, though. What if it was fate that we met up like we did, not even knowing we were gonna be at the same place?”

“Then I’d say the universe has a funny way of operating,” you say, observing a photo of a nighttime skyline.

When you get to the end of the exhibit, Johnny holds his hand out to you. “There’s something I wanna show you.”

You glance at his eyes, which are achingly sincere, and look away when you find you’re too nervous to hold his gaze for long. Though you hesitate for a moment, you take his hand, which is calloused and warm in your own. “Lead the way.”

He takes you further into the museum, eventually leading you to an exhibition room filled wall-to-wall with images of flowers. Your senses are a little shocked by the barrage of colorfulness, a sure contrast to the other artist’s work. Some of the images are big enough to take up half the wallspace, and they’re detailed enough for you to see even the tiniest lines in the flowers’ petals.

“This is amazing,” you whisper, walking closer to see the images in their full glory. You’re not sure if it’s weird to still be holding Johnny’s hand, but he hasn’t let go, so you figure it’s okay.

“I remembered you really liked flowers when we were in high school, although I couldn’t remember which kind…you always wore this one flower pin on your backpack, though.”

“The same one I eventually lost.” You frown a bit at that. It was long ago, but the memory still bothers you; you never found it after it went missing.

“Yeah. I felt kinda bad back then because you seemed pretty upset about it, so…” Johnny shrugs. “I know it’s not the same thing, but…”

“I can’t believe you remembered all that. Or even noticed it, really.” Your heart beats a little faster, though you try to ignore it. This can’t just be a nice gesture between old classmates, right? “Thank you, really. I appreciate this.” You squeeze his hand a little tighter in yours. Johnny smiles at you and squeezes back.

“Are you hungry?” Johnny asks when you get back in the car. You stretch your hands in front of the air vents and shudder at the warm air on your palms, and Johnny’s heart skips a little beat at the cute display.

“Sure. I don’t know what to eat, though...what about you?”

Johnny taps his fingers against the steering wheel. “Hmm, I know a place.”

You glance out the window as the museum’s scenery fades out of view and gives way to the roadway again. It’s not that late yet, but the sun is already looking heavy in the sky—one of your least favorite things about winter. “You seem to know a lot of good hangout spots,” you say teasingly. “But I’m not surprised. You were quite well-known even back then.”

Johnny laughs, a bit embarrassed. “I don’t know about that.”

“Oh, please. A lot of people liked you. Girls, especially.”

Johnny wants to ask you the question that’s just popped into his mind, but he decides to save it for when you get to the restaurant, instead biting his lip and turning your words around in his head.

Johnny ends up taking you to a charming little restaurant that has just about anything you can imagine on the menu, which changes almost daily. You’re not sure how they pull that off with being a little local spot, but you’re not complaining.

The two of you take a table and talk more as you wait for your food to come, moving past the small talk and delving more into your school years. You spend a while there talking and eating, and the hours pass before you’re aware of it.

Johnny watches you sip at your smoothie as the last rays of the evening sun spread across your face, illuminating your eyes and coily hair with their warmth. If he stares any longer, it’ll probably get weird, but he doesn’t want to stop looking. The same feeling that’s got him unable to look away compels him to finally just say something, so he doesn’t think twice when he tells you,

“I’ve always liked you, you know.”

You blink, turning from the window to look at him.

Johnny looks bashful after speaking, which you’re a little surprised about, because you’ve hardly ever seen him look hesitant or afraid about much of anything until today. You stare at him with your eyes incredulous and your straw halfway to your mouth.

“What?”

Johnny chuckles a little, though he feels a little less confident even though he hasn’t received your answer yet. “I like you. When we were in high school, I—yeah. I had a crush on you. Have, I mean—I still do.”

You’re initially unsure how to take this big reveal, especially knowing he still likes you after all this time has passed. Maybe you suspected it from his behavior over the past few days and today, but it’s still a little hard to digest when you know he has thousands of girls throwing themselves at him.

“Why didn’t you say anything while we were in school?” is the first thing you can think to ask.

He shakes his head, looking at his hands. “I don’t really know,” he says weakly. “I thought, maybe, you wouldn’t be interested in me. We weren’t even in the same social circles.”

“Wouldn’t be interested in you...?” you repeat, clasping your fingers together and trying to steady yourself. Your heart is definitely racing right now. “Johnny, I…”

“You don’t have to give me an answer now,” Johnny rushes out. “O-or ever? I just...wanted you to know, I guess...since we’ve met up suddenly and I don’t know if we’ll have this chance again—”

“I...I like you too.”

Johnny’s quiet for a few seconds, registering what you’ve just said, and then he grins widely. “Aww, you like me—that’s so cute!” He grasps your hands as he says this, and you give him a disbelieving look.

“Wow, really?! You’re the one who just confessed to me!” You can’t stop yourself from giggling, though, as he brings your hands to his lips and kisses them all over. “How am I gonna deal with you?”

“You’ll just have to figure it out, ‘cause I’m all yours now.”

The moon is out by the time Johnny takes you back to your place. He insists on walking you to the door even though it’s only a few feet away, and you indulge him on it because you definitely like the extra time being in his presence.

“I’m glad you came out with me today,” he tells you, his eyes warm.

“I’m sure you are, you got a whole girlfriend out of it.”

Johnny smirks at that, leaning into you. “Does this count as our first date, then? Because if it does, there’s something else I want to show you...”

“And what would that be?” you ask Johnny, leaning closer to him in answer to his increased proximity. His response is to close the gap between you, his lips meshing themselves with yours. He kisses you like that for a while, not wanting to let you go, though you eventually have to part to catch your breath.

“Your lips were cold! Felt like I was kissing a vampire at first.” Your breaths puff out in front of you as you say this, laughing lightly. Johnny leans forward and you think he’ll kiss you again, but he tucks his face into the side of your neck, pulling your scarf down, and places a kiss there. You shiver a little at your neck being exposed to the cold, but also for reasons more related to the sensation of his lips on you.

“Does this remind you of a vampire, too?” Johnny murmurs, kissing his way up from the side of your neck to your cheek.

“You’re crazy.” You push his chest, though he pulls your arms to keep you close to him. “You’re gonna get us arrested for public indecency. Have you had enough yet?” You giggle, giving in to his efforts and wrapping your arms securely around his neck.

“Not yet,” he says, pecking your lips again with a smile. “Gotta make up for lost time.”

#nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 imagines #johnny scenarios #johnny imagines #johnny suh #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct 127 fic #nct fic #ambw #ambw kpop #ambw scenarios #ambw imagines #johnny fluff #ambw fluff

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (15/17)

Summary: “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” And Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Note: Feedback is very much appreciated!

Link: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

“Belated happy birthday.” That first greeting was underwhelming in the deafening silence.

The room had been strangely quiet and it had been that way since he first entered, a far cry from the air during their past sessions. Shela should have waved one hand as he closed the door behind him. Even before he got to the seat, she should have been throwing multiple questions in succession.

What else did you get written?

Anything happening in school?

How’s Hange?

Oddly enough, Shela had only followed him with her eyes as he entered the room. The silence had felt like something pounding in his ears and her gaze had become something worth trifling his own consciousness with.

To top it all off, it had ended so anticlimactically with one greeting that Levi was left utterly confused as he sat on the chair in front of her.

What do you want her to do? Levi found himself asking silently as he matched Shela’s stare with his own.

Her blue eyes though were still warm, her eyes wide with what could have been curiosity. Levi started to suspect that it had all been a figment of his imagination that only a while ago they were watching and observing. Even as he settled on his seat, he sensed there were still questions up in the air that Levi could have grasped if he reached hard enough.

“Is that why you called me here? A free birthday session?” Levi asked.

“I just thought it was a good first greeting.” Shela’s voice was casual, innocent, and almost annoying.

Something wanted to burst out from inside him. That excuse of a greeting had only done the bare minimum to help it. In fact, it had done worse. It poked at him, whispering to him to figure out for himself what the hell that something was..

He was in no mood for a guessing game though. And he hadn’t been for the past few weeks. “Then why did you call me?” He asked. It had been a tall order to match her gaze, to come up with the right answers to questions she hadn’t even asked yet.

Shela shrugged. “I just wanted to check on my favorite patient.”

“I haven’t been your patient in a while.”

“We had scheduled sessions. You just didn’t go to them.”

“I was busy…. Besides, don’t you have anything better to do than chase one patient?”

Shela raised one eyebrow. “Don’t you have anything better to do than to come here? You had a choice to answer that message and believe me, you’re free to leave if you want to Levi.” She gestured her hands towards the door in one long exaggerated movement.

One movement that only served to sink Levi deeper into the sofa chair. In those few seconds as Levi leaned back, he saw once again the gradual shift in her gaze from something innocent to something cold and observing, and it was as if she was studying some sort of a specimen. And he was the specimen.

He was certain that was the exact same gaze he felt as he went through the door. But it wasn’t at all unfamiliar. Those had been the eyes she gave after all when she had asked the precise questions that broke the icebergs inside him into chunks instead of winnowing through the hard surface.

Why did that gaze in particular have him tense up at that exact moment? Levi didn’t have to wait too long for an answer though.

“You haven't written in a while,” she said.

“I deleted it.”

Shela didn’t look too surprised though. “Why?” She asked.

“It just seemed like a useless thing to do.”

“Why would you say it was useless?

“I was wasting a lot of time with it.” “So you did continue writing after our last meeting.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Just a guess… You only deleted the file a few weeks ago so it must mean you were thinking about it.”

Levi’s eyes widened and soon, he was starting to rack his brain for an explanation. “I don’t remember sharing you the file…”

“Hange told me what happened.”

“So you asked her about me?”

Shela shook her head. “No Levi, she approached me. She was worried about you.”

Hange. Levi found himself taking a glance at his phone in the silence that followed, the third message from the top of his inbox. Last touched weeks before.

He had decided to spend the holidays and his birthday back home. He liked to tell himself that he had only done that because with his hectic student-athlete schedule the past few years, he never had the chance to spend more than three days worth of holidays back home. When at home though, all he had done was lock himself in his bedroom for days on end.

Levi couldn’t convince himself for long. He had only gone home to avoid Hange, to avoid any reminder of the past few months and to avoid the almost nagging regret at having deleted the file.

With the file gone, he had felt like something was missing, painfully missing.

“And I’m concerned about what’s going on between you two,” Shela said.

“You’re paid to be concerned.”

“Oh? So you think I only became a therapist to get paid? Believe me Levi if I didn’t care I wouldn’t have called you here today. I could have gotten another patient and have been paid this extra hour.”

“Then why are you here? Why did you ask me to come here?” Levi felt stinging behind his eyes and a knot in his throat as he spoke up. A part of him actually contemplated leaving at that moment, yet it had been brushed away so quickly by something else, an odd feeling of desperation. He wanted something from her. Hell, he wanted something but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what it was.

“I told you, I was worried and I wanted to make sense of this with you,” Shela answered. The answer had been underwhelming to say the least especially with the way she narrowed her eyes at him.

And if Levi hadn’t been so desperate for any sort of closure, for that particular reaction he so looked for, maybe he would have just stood up and left.

Shela wasn’t done though. “Are those memories trapping you?”

Memories? Since when had it been about memories? “What memories?”

“Memories of Commander Hange. Captain Levi,” she said confidently, as if they were her memories to begin with. She spoke in such a way that she could have even been talking about real people. Very real people.

Such confidence, such forcefulness and her attempt to shoehorn all that into his reality sent a sudden sting through his chest. If Commander Hange was real, that meant she really died, that meant she really burned alive up there in the sky.

Levi would have preferred that image to have just been a figment of his imagination. “They’re stories.”

“Yet for a while you wanted to believe they were memories right? So what happened in between Levi? What did I miss?”

“I realized… They weren’t real…”

Shela let out an exasperated sigh. “You’re still trying to deny it huh? You’ve always been difficult to crack…” She cleared her throat. “So, Hange told me, the commander died. Then you deleted the file and now you don’t wanna talk about it right?”

Levi didn’t reply.

Shela continued to speak, seeming unfazed. “Here is something I noticed about you. When you injured your knee, your first instinct had been to insist you’re okay then soon you shut up and find something else to cling to--- writing. When writing started to hurt, suddenly you decide to delete the document then tell me everything’s fine. What are you gonna do now? You’re gonna find a new hobby?”

Academics, jumping. He thought to himself. Levi had spent the past few days isolated in his room back home, finishing his own thesis and following the jumping tournaments of his own teammates. As if there was much else to do anyway.

Shela rested her chin on her hands and stared straight ahead. Her eyes seemed to focus on something behind him, as if the answers were found beyond the wide window behind him. “I started to think to myself… Why did Hange’s death of all things hurt you enough to cause that same grief? I read your story, you could have mourned Erwin’s death, you could have mourned your Petra's death, mourned Isabel or Farlan’s death. Why Hange’s? Why did she push you to the edge enough to delete the file?”

“It built up,” Levi answered. That was the most natural explanation right? Or at least the most natural he could think of.

Shela nodded, seeming satisfied with the answer. “Let’s move on to the next question then. Do you think that Hange’s death was any special? If there was something that made it the tipping point in the first place?”

“Can’t a tipping point be something small?”

Shela shook her head. “Tipping points can be small I agree but remember, when you told me you weren’t going to write anymore? It was as if you knew what would be happening next. You looked terrified.”

Somewhere along the way, the remnants of Shela’s gentle facade had completely fallen, replaced by something stone cold, yet confident and almost mocking. Levi was starting to get a little more irritated at such assumptions. Regardless of whether they were true or not.

“So tell me Levi, what makes Hange so special? What made Captain Levi so hesitant to write the next part? Then what made this Levi here want to delete it soon after writing it?”

Levi only had to look behind him, at the sky just outside the window to articulate it for himself. It was surprisingly easy to grasp. It was a simple feeling after all that never left. “It hurt,” he admitted. He could have said more but he had found himself at a loss for words a second later as he imagined the rumbling before him and that one silhouette that disappeared into the blue.

“And if you’re that invested in Hange’s death. I’m sure Erwin’s death, your special squad’s death, should have hurt as much right?”

“They hurt too,” Levi added. He started to become a little more aware of himself. They hurt too but as much as Hange’s death? Not enough for sure to even have him consider deleting the file.

“Then why didn’t you delete the file if they hurt? From what I could tell Captain Levi was inseparable from Erwin.”

Levi let his eyes fall to the empty coffee table in front of him, searching for something worth a distraction among the pockmarks of the wood. Shela’s eyes were getting sharper by the second.

“I’ll ease you into my theory slowly and feel free to tell me if I’m wrong...you and Hange were inseparable right?”

Captain Levi and squad leader Hange Zoe. They were from different teams but they did hang out a lot together. With that quick recall, Levi nodded.

“And you lost a lot of people in your life… So I started to wonder, if Captain Levi spent so much time keeping his distance, being aloof, completely aware that the everyone could end up dead, why did he cling to Hange?”

“Captain Levi cared about a lot of people.”

“I wasn’t denying that Levi. I was asking you, why did he cling to Hange? Why were they inseparable? Attraction? Mutual Support? Love? All three at once?”

The last three words had been things Levi found himself musing over as she continued to talk. But then, he couldn’t figure out for himself the answer. “We couldn’t fall in love. There was a war.” Those words had come out on their own. He only realized seconds later that it didn't answer the question.

Shela gave him a cat-like grin. “We? Huh?”

Levi cleared his throat. “They---,” he corrected.

“Okay, you’re beating around the bush a little too much. I’ll tell you my theory and if you don’t make the effort to figure it out for yourself, this will be my assumption. You didn't think she’d die. You didn’t expect her to die so you took her for granted. Am I wrong, Captain Levi?”

“Took her for granted…” Levi almost spat out those words as he said it. “You can’t just assume that…”

“By take for granted, I meant ‘I can get past pain, death, loss, as long as she’s there’ and for what? You just assumed she was immortal didn’t you? That she couldn't die, since she's always been there. And so the moment she died, suddenly grief hit you like a bus.” She straightened herself up on the seat. “Maybe you thought you would have died first?” Shela pressed.

“I was dying in the woods. I thought she’d be the one to survive the whole time.”

“But you know, it’s not uncommon for people to be this way. To have this person there and just assume that person's immortal, or to think ‘as long as this person is here’ I’ll be okay. It’s only natural that humans find hope in the living. For example,a lot of parents do that too with their own kids and that’s why parents losing their kids are one of the most devastating cases of grief I’ve encountered…” She trailed off. “But I digress, There’s one question about you I’ve been exploring for a while and I’ve always wanted to ask. You might not know the answer yourself but it’s worth a try.” Shela paused and looked at him expectantly.

Even when he sat on her chair, frozen by her cold stare, he still managed to force a nod.

“Why do you remember? Why is Captain Levi forcing his own memories to live on? Unless he had some unresolved feelings right?”

Attraction? Mutual Support? Love? You took her for granted.

Even when moving, Levi let those words, those suggestions run free in his mind. The feeling, the ache in his chest, the weight on his shoulders and the knot at his throat that only evolved into some tremble in his lips. It was everything at once, Levi was sure.

Maybe, I took her for granted. Maybe I should have stopped her. Levi thought to himself. But he wasn’t going to say it out loud yet.

“And something tells me you don’t regret much Captain Levi Ackerman,” Shela said. The gentleness in her face was back. “But maybe if you allowed yourself to regret back then, maybe all these feelings of regret, grief… They wouldn’t have bundled up now, you wouldn’t be hurting like this. You didn't let yourself experience grief and loss… You didn’t let yourself regret even in your deathbed. Now, everything just comes pouring out in your next life because you just let it build up inside you?” She had phrased it as a question but as Shela enunciated those words, Levi couldn’t help but see deep thought in them, as if she had discerned and answered the question for herself already.

“How can you assume that?” Levi challenged. It was a weak attempt, at that point he was starting to get more and more convinced. It had just been a matter of reality pulling him away from an almost ethereal concept.

Soon, he did grasp it, the thing he had been looking for, that one feeling he had been desiring since the start of the conversation.

It manifested first as a knowing smile. And before Levi could respond, grip on to some decent comeback to her long winded tirade, he found himself hesitating, focusing instead on how his shoulders dropped and how the wind was knocked out of himself slowly and the quick movement as he shifted his weight to his hands pressed on the sofa.

“I’m not assuming how you feel. I’m laying out some information, coming up with a theory and leaving it in the air for you to decide whether it’s true or not.” She didn’t continue from there. Instead she dropped her clipboard on the table and walked towards one of the bookshelves, pulling out a blue binder.

“What if it's too detailed to pass up as a reasonable theory?” Levi managed to say. He found himself counting the lines on the wooden table in front of him. In a daze, he had been too distracted to reorganize for himself, Shela’s theory. And he started to even doubt his own ability to respond.

“I’ve been seeing other patients, I think I’ve encountered enough to make some fair guesses. Besides, I told you I’ve been studying reincarnation for a while.” She dropped the blue binder in front of him on the table. “But you still think it’s too detailed to be believable huh? What if I told you I experienced it too? That's why I know the details."

Levi could only stare at the blue binder. He only got so far as to hover his hand over it before he hesitated. He looked up at her, following her as she sat back on the chair in front of him.

“What are you waiting for?” She asked.

“Should I open this?”

“I wouldn’t have put it there if I didn’t want you to read it Levi,” She was looking at him expectantly as if she was excited for him to see what was inside.

Levi started to wonder why he even hesitated. Regardless, he still went at it slowly. The plastic cover on the binder was warm to the touch and for a second or so, he allowed himself to pinch at it, see where the plastic would give into the pressure.

Maybe he had been on that for a second longer than he should have. He was still hesitating. He was still nervous.

“What are you scared of? It’s a binder,” Shela said.

“What’s inside?”

“It’s my research on reincarnation.”

“For your PhD?”

Shela paused for a second before answering. “I created two pieces of writing for my PhD, something stomachable by the scientific body and something just for myself,” Shela explained. “Because I honestly don’t think anyone would have believed it either if I was telling them I was seeing very clear visions of a past life.”

Do you really believe these were memories from a past life? Levi muttered. For a second, he had wondered if he had said it loud enough for her to hear. But when he opened the binder, he quickly realized he didn’t need an answer.

The title of the work was generic, easily forgettable. But the subtitle underneath and the author’s name spoke to him in ways Levi couldn’t fully comprehend just yet. Comprehension came quickly after running his eyes over the title then the subtitle underneath

He read her name out loud. Her first name settled at the back of his mouth and he couldn’t be too sure if he had pronounced it correctly. But when he said it a second time, the name rolled off his tongue too easily, as if it was all too familiar. His mind had just taken a split second longer to process it.

From my past life? Levi thought to himself. At that point, he couldn’t be too sure. It had seemed like too distant of a memory. He never had to use her name with her after all. He only remembered her having taught him to pronounce it eons ago.

Her last name next to it was all too familiar, yet surprising. And Levi had little to no problem, saying it for himself, even when still recovering from that small bout of surprise.

“Ackerman’s my maiden name,” she explained. “And I’m sure you saw it already, my first name is a little old fashioned.” She didn’t seem so self conscious though, as if she was aware that many lives ago, she had been teaching him to say it back when it had been just the both of them in the underground city.

Levi said her whole name out loud again. As soon as he looked back up at her, putting name to face, he found himself transported back to that small room, running his hand over her curly black hair and locking gazes with those piercing cold blue eyes. Then, they were his only source of comfort, his sanctuary.

And he never did figure out if he said it right back then in the underground city. Just to make sure though, he read it aloud in front of her again, willing himself to say it clearly and firmly.

“Written by: Kuchel Ackerman.”

***

Bookends. That’s how it seemed at least. Levi had two pages written out by that night.

He had his earliest childhood memories up there, everything as visceral as possible from the sights, to the scents, to her touch. With not too much context though, his earliest memories stuck to him as comforting sensations more than anything. Within an hour of writing, he gave up and concluded that he never did remember much of it.

Right under those early childhood sensations, articulated to the best of his capabilities, were memories after Kuchel’s death, training to fight in the underground. Then, written below that were narrations on life after the war, his remaining years on a wheelchair, travelling around Marley, joining the peace ambassadors on occasional trips.

There was no transition between them, nothing more glaring than paragraph breaks.

They were two sections with little to no connection to each other. But Levi at least knew for himself, that in-between would have been those long winded narrations on his life in the survey corps and his life during the war against Marley.

For some reason, he wasn’t too bothered about the missing parts though. As if he had already accepted for himself that he made the decision to delete it.

Finishing what he started. That’s what it felt like and that’s all there was to it. Reading Shela’s own work after all had him somehow accepting that they were memories more than dreams.

Something that had to be immortalized somewhere/ The acceptance though that the grief, the loss and the pain were memories not dreams was slow going. The dreams had been painful, realizing they were someone’s reality, only aggravated it.

Kuchel’s words echoed in his head. The last questions she said before they separated that day. Back then, she had escorted him to the door of her office and they had stood there for a few minutes before parting ways.

Can you let it go?

I don’t even know what I’m trying to let go of. For all he knew, something died in him back in that day in Odiha. Consequently, there were emotions he couldn’t even access, as if part of life had ended for him in that single moment.

You can’t access or comprehend those emotions because you didn’t let yourself feel it. You didn't ride through it.

And she had pointed it out then. Captain Levi had never been the most emotional person because he had never allowed himself to feel.

That’s your homework. Ride through the pain, the loss, the grief, the regret. And when the time is right, you’ll be able to let it go. I know you will.

Opening the laptop wasn’t easy. Staring at the blank document sheet and deciding for himself the first words to say took ages longer than what he would have liked.

As soon as he had decided for himself that he was going to write though, everything came out so seamlessly. He only had to hover his hands over the keyboard, feel for the right keys, for them to start moving on their own. It turned out writing with little regard for grammar and punctuation or for unwelcome emotional reactions, was oddly liberating.

He had started off with bullet points but soon enough the sentences were too long and the bullet points were rendered useless. Eventually, he scrapped the bullet points altogether.

“There was a peace treaty,” Levi said aloud as he typed it out. “Armin and the others, they became peace ambassadors…”

“And Mikasa…” Levi trailed off as he remembered. She was back in Paradis, back in their old town of Shiganshina where Eren’s head was laid to rest. He thought back to Mikasa and for a second he almost felt guilty for even questioning her decision to stay with Eren. “If this was how it felt for you, I wouldn’t be surprised why you’d be hesitant to leave him,” Levi said, he leaned back on his chair, stretched out his good leg and stared blankly at the ceiling above him.

The pain was similar, he was sure. He had seen flashes of visiting an empty grave as he wrote. The white ceiling above him and the contrast it provided made those dark memories all the more vivid.

The face he had been longing to see though, as he stared at the grave then, was just a phone call away. And before he even noticed it himself, he had reached for the phone next to his laptop, turning it screen up.

He had no one else to call so her number and their message thread was still one of the first on his inbox. Even if he hadn’t opened it in weeks.

Of course, it would. Hange had sent messages multiple times the past few weeks..

December 23 8:15 AM

I heard you went home.

December 25 12:01 AM

Happy Birthday! :D

January 1 12:00 AM

Happy New Year! Wishing you a bright new year and a speedy recovery

January 3 6:21 AM

Wanna talk when you get back?

January 5 2:23 AM

Hey, I’m sorry about everything. I should have been more sensitive to your needs. Even if you don’t wanna meet after this, it’s fine. I had a great time working with you and I’ll remember these past few months :D. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.

Just assure me please. Did you get to talk to someone? I hope you did. I was just concerned. But it doesn’t matter too much now. As long as you’re okay.

Levi didn’t scroll up past those last few messages. The rest had been paragraphs worth of apologies even he didn’t want to ponder.

Besides, there were more important things to him then, like finding the right words to say as a response to that latest message.

He sensed closure there. Yet, he wasn’t ready for closure. His mind was scrambling for some way to reopen the conversation then.

It was late at night though. Levi was exhausted and impatient. He was sure if he sent something and slept it off, he should wake up to a message the next morning.

So the message he sent then had been automatic, typical. It didn’t require too much thought to compose.

January 9 11:17 PM

Hey, when are you free to talk?

He decided then, he could leave it to his future self to come up with another response in the morning.

***

Levi’s sleep was light, light enough that the quick ping of his phone was more than enough to wake him up. He was awake enough to reach for his phone on the side table, pull it under the blankets with him and open his messaging application.

It wasn’t Hange who had messaged.

“Coach?” Levi muttered as he sat up in bed.

Sorry if this is pretty last minute. Mikasa agreed to meet at the track today this afternoon around 3-3:30. You think you could make it?

Levi typed a short text accepting the invite and sent it out.

He pulled at the curtains of his window. The sun was out already. He stared back at his phone at the upper right of the screen.

9:23 AM.

He was oddly disappointed. Other plans meant he didn’t have to think about the ignored message at the top of his inbox. He had sent the message at eleven last night. It had been almost twelve hours since then.

Was she taking a really long slumber? Or was she just ignoring him?

Nothing much to do until three so Levi opened his laptop and worked on his own thesis. Working on something as utterly boring and monotonous as a school requirement though didn’t make time run faster.

Levi was sure he had gone through at least fifty articles of doping cases among professional athletes. When he looked back at the clock though, he saw only two hours had passed.

He ordered lunch. Time went notably faster when he was just scrolling through his social media, yet excruciatingly slower still than what he was used to. And the main culprit? Hange’s online status and her activity on social media.

Hange was still liking photos which meant one thing: She was ignoring messages.

He went down to pick up his delivery from the dorm lobby and on the way up, he took a detour. All the way to Hange’s room on the other side of the building, a five minute walk for most people. For Levi it could have been ten minutes or it could have been ages. He still had that awkward gait which made the journey all the more frustrating.

The hallways were quiet but it wasn’t unexpected. School didn’t start for another two weeks. Hange’s room was along the quiet hallway and Hange had always been loud. So the stark contrast had been unsettling to say the least.

What do you expect her to do? Run down the halls screaming your name? He thought to himself. For some reason, that was what he was expecting and that was what he would’ve liked.

He took advantage of that silence. He padded lightly through the hallway, attempting to segregate the sounds of the creak of the floorboard with whatever he sounds he could make out from the rooms.

Nothing much. All silence. Of course it would be silent though, that wasn’t Hange’s room yet.

Her room was towards the end of the hall, the third to the last door to the right. Eventually he got tired of keeping his footsteps and his awkward gait light and he found himself scurrying--- at least to the best of his own injured abilities--- towards the door.

He willed himself not to make a sound. He wasn’t sure though if he had been the sneakiest.

He was still quiet enough at least to hear something. He had to press his ear to the door to hear it clearly, the rhythmic clacking of the keyboard, the sound of books hitting the desk and a loud yawn that had been very much Hange’s.

The loud yawn in particular sent a twinge up his spine and an ache in his chest and Levi had to swallow hard to get his bearings. He missed her.

He knocked on the door once. Then twice to make sure she heard it. Then he waited five long seconds for any response.

There was no response. He slapped the door. Still no answer.

Within a few seconds more, he started to get self conscious. She didn’t reply to his messages while being glaringly online. She was blatantly ignoring his knocks on the door. Did she actually want to see him?

And Levi was starting to notice the growling of his stomach. It was enough of a reminder that he hadn’t even had breakfast that morning.

A little disheartened, he made the journey back to his room.

***

The coldest point of winter was coming. Levi would have noticed it by just looking at the calendar. It had been a while since he stood outside long enough to let the cold sink deep under his skin.

And he was only reminded of such weather patterns when he stepped on to the open air track which was understandably empty. Two in the afternoon shouldn’t be too cold but that day in particular had Levi shivering, his teeth chattering in such an unfamiliar way.

That would have been expected. He didn’t spend much time outdoors anymore, Maybe that had explained that sudden, unfamiliar susceptibility to the cold. He could never be too sure though.

He scanned the field for any sign of Mikasa or his coach. What first caught his eye then had been the horizontal bar, set up where it always was. He hadn't returned to the field since his injuryand seeing the bar like it always had been, sent a wave of nostalgia and longing through him.

For a while, he was fixated and for a few seconds more, he vacillated between sitting on the bleachers or walking to the middle of the track where it was set up. Alone in the field though with nothing much else to do though, he opted to pass the time reminiscing

The bar was set high enough for Levi to have to reach up but still low enough for him to be able to grip it hard. It was cold to the touch. It was a fair distance away from him and it hovered over him, masquerading as something almost unattainable.

But maybe it was unattainable. Levi found himself strangely sad at the distance, still unable to fathom that only a few months ago, that bar had been a very easy height to clear.

“Hey… Your coach said you’d be here.”

Levi quickly turned towards the voice.

Mikasa stood before him in joggers and a sweatshirt. Her hair clipped back, red blotches on her cheek. Levi only had to listen to her breaths and notice the way she curled her lips as she took steady breaths to conclude that she had been running.

“Coach is training you now? In the middle of winter?”

She shook her head. “No, I wanted to try out your track for myself. He left the club room and the equipment room open and told me to just try it out while he goes out to check on your team.”

“What made you change your mind?”

She avoided his gaze. “To be honest I’m still not completely sure about this yet. Your coach knows I’m not. But I thought I’d try it out, get to know your school more.”

“It’s a good choice,” Levi said.

For a second, the two were silent. Levi chose that moment to look back up at the bar in front of him but he could see from his peripherals, Mikasa still hadn’t looked away from him. So he waited.

She spoke up eventually. “Hey, about what happened at the diner… I’m sorry about that. I know I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I heard about your injury a while back, even before we met. Even if I don’t like jumping that much either, I think it would have hurt too…”

I’m fine. That had been his first instinct and he had opened his mouth ready to say it.

That’s your homework. Ride through the grief, the loss, the pain. Kuchel’s voice tore into his train of thought.

Will that actually help? He had been riding through that grief last night as he wrote, he had let it wash over him then. If he had been a little more introspective, he would have realized although it did hurt, it wasn’t a heavy, crushing type of hurt. It was a pain that still allowed him motions.

It granted him enough control to still function as a person. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m not.��� But it was still hard to admit. “It takes time,” Levi added as he looked back up at the horizontal bar and behind it the clear blue sky. The color blue was bright, warm yet melancholic.

Mikasa didn’t reply. Her stare though seemed more focused. When Levi looked at her, made eye contact, comprehension washed over him. He knew she understood. And he caught that comprehension quickly like some contagion.

He spoke up again. “Eren means a lot to you huh?”

“We grew up together, lived along the same street. We went to the same school since kinder. And since we were young, he'd get agitated a lot, pick a lot of fights and I always had to look out for him.” Mikasa put one hand behind her neck and craned her neck to look up at the sky. “I almost hesitated to even try jumping since I wouldn’t be able to protect him as much anymore…”

“Why did you start jumping then?”

“After I got scouted in sophomore year, Eren convinced me to try it. He was the one who wanted me to widen my world.”

“And he talked to you again about this?”

“He and Armin did. They told me to consider this.”

“Then it should be an easy decision.”

Mikasa smiled. “I know it’s supposed to be an easy decision. But how I feel about Eren doesn’t make it easy.. I’ve known Eren my whole life and don’t get me wrong, I’ve never lost him but... Somehow, I can imagine how it would feel like to lose him. So I don’t wanna let go.”

“But losing people, losing things that are precious to us is a fact of life. We’re gonna deal with it anyway. Besides, you’re not losing him, he’ll make college in a year or so.”

“He won’t make Paradis University.”

“You’ll have him on the weekends.”

“But will I be able to handle that set up?” Mikasa met his gaze again. She never lost Eren or so that was what she said.

Will I be able to handle it? Yet why was Levi seeing grief in her eyes? Why did such a strong wave of comprehension hit him almost violently in that moment where their eyes met?

Empathy? It was an easy answer to pick up for himself. But maybe it ran deeper than that, because suddenly, Levi was aware of the ground under him, the cold air caressing him, the loud rustle of leaves. He was feeling everything at once. And with it, he felt the twinge in his stomach, the pang in his chest, the knot in his throat.

The grief never left. The loss never left. And the pain gripped him tightly then. Letting himself feel it had left him with a strange bout of confidence, and a wave of liberation that seemed to stick and when Levi spoke up again, he wondered if he was speaking for himself or for her.

“You won’t know if you can handle it until you ride through it yourself.”

Mikasa seemed convinced.

His coach had arrived a few minutes after the conversation, incessantly apologizing about the traffic. The usual pleasant exchange followed.

“How are you?”

“Slowly learning to walk again, focusing on academics.,” Levi answered. “How’s the team?” They were preparing for nationals. He didn’t need an answer. There were still things his coach knew though which couldn’t be researched and he was still invested in any response his coach could give.

“They’re preparing for nationals, training in the indoor gym.” The indoor gym a few minute car ride from their campus. Levi had been training there every winter and it was easy to picture the drills they were probably doing then.

It soon evolved into some unnecessary athlete propaganda which Levi surmised was to entice MIkasa.

“The scouts for the national team have been watching Elijah closely. He’ll probably be getting an invitation soon after nationals are over,” he said, soon after the pleasantries had died out into an awkward silence. Greg turned to Levi. “They were asking about you too. You’d have gotten the invite. No one’s forgotten about you.”

Was that for Mikasa? Or for him? Soon, Levi started to ask. Was that supposed to cheer him up? Levi couldn’t gauge intention though and he found himself looking away as he started to feel the beginnings of a loss of control.

Mikasa may have sensed it. Or at least sensed that moment as a good time to speak up. “Could you tell me more about your athletics program? Levi told me a lot about his experience here and I think I might just be interested.”

The digression and the exchange that followed was quicker and more enthusiastic than something Levi would have easily caught on to. Suddenly Greg was shifting between enthusiasm and relief. And it evolved to some offer to tour her of the school. Then some mentions about dinner.

Levi though was making excuses. The campus was too wide for him to walk through injured. It was getting a little too cold. And with the peak of winter nearing, it might just even get dark in the next hour or so. His main reason for staying wasn’t among those though.

He had been sneaking glances at the bar and at the blue sky behind it. While the field was empty, while the school was lifeless and while the bar and the equipment was set up in front of him, he realized he might just have some unfinished business on the field.

“You guys go ahead. I’ll fix up the equipment here.”

“You sure?” Greg asked as he looked pointedly at Levi’s knee.

“It’s the least I can do. Besides, it won’t be too heavy after I disassemble it.” Or at least it wasn’t so heavy when Levi had carried it before. He turned to Mikasa. “Go ahead, enjoy the day,” Levi said, nodding his head reassuringly.

It didn’t take them much convincing. Greg was too excited and Mikasa started to seem eager as well to see the school.

And Levi wanted them to leave. Alone in the empty field with the equipment all set up, brought forth within him some unwanted feelings yet feelings which Levi wanted to process for himself one last time.

That’s your homework. Ride through the pain, the loss, the grief, the regret.

He was riding through it already and he was at least trying to find hope in that dreadful journey that left him almost desolate. Along the way, as he started to process the emotions, he fixated on the view of the bar, and maybe just a flicker of someone flying through the blue sky behind him. He soon stumbled upon one conclusion, one conclusion that Kuchel had suggested yet he had never really thought too much for himself until that moment.

At that moment, Levi let the emotions speak for him.

Regret is an emotion. Even if you say you don’t regret, even if you come out as the type not to regret, for sure you’ve regretted things right? It was a feeling you willingly chose to brush away. Kuchel had said then, as they had gone through her case study.

Levi had done his part to brush it away, to find something else to entertain him and to only hope that the emotions leave. But they never left. The aches that came with the view in front of him only proved it to him even before, and in that moment, it continued to prove it to him much faster and in more numerous ways than he could count.

So how do I stop feeling this?

You don’t. You can’t control how you feel. You can only control how you process it. The emotions leave when they want.

But when the time is right, you’ll be able to let it go...Before you know it, you’ll find closure.

Around that time, she had mentioned the word 'closure'. But closure had always been a vague word. It manifested as something different for everyone else. Levi soon realized as he started to move, it was a word that could never actually be contained to a black ink on white paper, or to spoken word.

For Levi, it had manifested at something he only sensed as something hazy. He thought he had control of his body then but along the way, it had felt like his body had assessed it for himself, the circumstances that he could only take advantage of at that moment.

He was alone in an empty field, the empty field he hadn’t visited in ages. The equipment was all set up for him. And if he closed his eyes then, allow himself to ignore the biting cold wind, the bare trees. If he just focused on the bar and the blue sky behind him, he could pretend it was summer again and before that, spring, and before that the last summer… Every single season—hell—every single day he had spent jumping over the bars.

His body was moving on its own, as if it understood the concept of closure before he did. He made his way to the clubroom.

I never did clean up after the injury. Levi thought to himself. His spare clothes, his spare pair of shoes and his face towel were all still in the locker, as they had been every time before. It was surprising, he had assumed someone would have cleaned it up.

He didn’t think too much of it though. There were other things he was raring to do. At that moment, he was just grateful nobody had half a mind to remind him, or he probably wouldn’t have been able to go through with his plans.

Levi put on his shoes, his right then his left. He changed to jogging pants and to the sweatshirt left in his locker. And for a second he did some test movements with it.

It was baggier than what he would have wanted, but he wasn’t in a competition, Levi could be as lenient as he wanted about it.

Beggars can’t be choosers. Levi thought to himself as he rolled up the jogger on his left leg and stared at the braced knee underneath. He could walk, he was sure. Yet just imagining himself removing the brace, left an unsettling feeling inside him.

He ended up pondering it for a while, a while longer than he was aware of. Soon enough, he decided on wearing it on the way back to the track, to just give his knee time to prepare.

On the way back, he passed by the equipment storage and he found himself thinking a lot harder about it. He looked back to the equipment in the field. Mikasa had mentioned setting it up. She had set up the pad underneath, but it had been an incomplete set up. Or so that was what Levi recalled.

There’s supposed to be a pad on top. Levi recalled. He opened the storage room to see the weather cover and the top pad, strewn on the side.

Lugging both the weather cover and the top pad would take two trips. Levi approximated. But did he have the time for two trips?

His coach was unpredictable. And just the idea of them coming back to catch him attempting such, was something Levi didn’t want to imagine then. So he folded up the weather cover and dragged the mat behind him, ignoring the uncomfortable twinge in his knee.

“Hey, you need help?”

Levi hadn’t expected anyone to be there. And of all people, Armin? “What are you doing here?”

“Mikasa told me she’s going out to dinner with your coach so she asked me to pick up her things from the club room…” Armin started. “I was here on campus already so…”

Levi softened his gaze, only realizing when Armin had trailed off quickly, avoiding his stare that he had probably been glaring. “You’re meeting Hange?” He asked, willing his voice to mellow.

“She’s been busy with thesis and I offered to help her out… So I’m picking up the stuff and will be meeting her soon after,” he explained. “But I arrived a bit early and I have some extra time." He offered his hand out to help.

Armin was extra hands. Extra hands meant time could go faster. And for sure, he could get Armin to hide his next set of plans.

“So, why are you bringing this to the field?” He asked, as they walked along the dirt path to the field.

Levi shrugged. “I guess I wanna try jumping one more time before I leave it for good.”

“But…”

Levi didn’t have to look at him to know what he wanted to suggest. “You’re thinking about my injury huh? It’ll be fine. I just wanna get a few jumps in.”

“It might be better to wait a few months?” Armin suggested.

“The team is training outside. The field is empty. The equipment is all set up and I’m graduating soon. When else but now?” Levi asked. Thinking back to it soon after he asked though, he could have waited a few months, maybe go back to school to just try it out one last time. But as they turned the corner and as the field opened up before him, Levi only had to look once again at the pale blue sky that stretched endlessly behind the field to be reminded, it ran deeper than that.

“You can wait a few months… I’m sure your coach---” Armin started, as if he had read his mind.

“When else, but now?” Levi pressed. The sky was starting to make its slow transition to purple, then. Orange and bright red were the next colors beyond that. And Levi started to see some of the steam, the colossal titans that marched forward slowly but surely. That one flicker in the sky though, caught his attention. She was concealed behind steam, and flashes of orange and bright red.

How much time did he have?

Armin took a deep breath. “This might sound weird. I’m probably the last person you wanna get advice from… I’m younger than you… and we just met… But Hange probably just rubbed off on me but you know, I guess I’m worried. I heard about your injury months ago, before we even met, Mikasa told me… It was in the rumor mill of the high jump community.”

So what?

“It must have been devastating huh? To lose something like that... Something that has been a constant in your life for five years even ten years…”

Devastating. Was that the right word?

“You must have regretted a lot…”

Did I let myself regret it? He willed himself not to regret then. It was a conscious decision to let the emotions flow free. Soon he had to admit— albeit uncomfortably— he regretted it.

“Then I thought of Mikasa. I actually talked to her about this, about Eren. And you know I was able to convince her that there is a life beyond Eren.”

“So let me predict, you wanna say there’s life beyond jumping?” Life beyond Hange?

Armin nodded. “I know it sounds generic. You probably heard it a million times before but… That was what Hange told us when you left…”

Levi didn’t have to listen to Armin quote it to hear it in her voice.

But… You understand, don’t you? Everyone you meet will be parted from you one day. I know it’s difficult to accept. It’s hard to stay sane, living like that. It’s painful. So painful. I know that.

But even so… We need to move forward…

Armin continued. “Move forward… because the world was wider than Eren. And I guess in your case, the world is wider than jumping. Now that I think about it, maybe you and Mikasa were facing similar things.”

It’s hard to stay sane, living like that. It’s painful. So painful. But we need to keep moving forward.

“Keep moving forward… But that’s what I did,” Levi said.

“But when Mikasa brought up the injury, I noticed it and i saw it still hurt you a lot— I’m sorry if I’m just making wild guesses here. I might be wrong.”

“What else did Hange say?” Levi asked. “After ‘keep moving forward?”

It was easy for Levi to imagine her saying that.

There is liberation in riding the pain through, accepting it will happen and just believing you can get past it.

There is liberation in everything. It’s just a matter of believing that happiness will come again.

“I reflected on it too, with Mikasa…” Armin added as they settled on the lowermost bleachers, closest to the bar. “And I thought of something… What if, the reason it’s so painful is because a part of us dies when we lose something. If Mikasa decides to leave Eren, part of her will die, the part of her that clung to him, her childhood, being with him everyday. They might just fade into distant memories the moment she decides to go to university. But there’s a life beyond him. And exchange for whatever part dies with her, her world widens..."

Levi nodded, glancing subtly at the view of the horizontal bar, the sky was shifting to a bright red behind it.

“Something inside her will be reborn. Maybe like reincarnation? There’s our college life waiting after high school, then our work life after that our family life, then retirement then maybe even other lives after that… Maybe even after we die... There's another life waiting for us.”

Levi shrugged. “You might be right,” he said. There was nothing much else to say. He stood up again and approached the landing pad, dragging that extra pad behind him.

“That’s it. After jumping, after whatever we’re doing now, we’re gonna graduate, move on to our next life. Then we just trust that things will get better, we encounter new things, new people to keep us going. We’ll find something else to keep us going.”

Then an old part of us dies and we’re reincarnated as a new person. That was the last sentence, Levi remembered Armin saying, or so that was the message he remembered.

He couldn’t be too sure about Armin’s exact words. Armin didn’t follow behind him either and his voice started to fade into the background.

Even before Armin’s words could whittle into nothing though, the orange sky started to scream at him, the horizontal bar, only nearer, started to goad him in. “That’s why I wanna enter that new life with no regrets,” Levi said.

Eventually Armin gave up.

Or Levi might just have gotten better at ignoring protests. He got better at creating that world, that consisted of just him, the field, the horizontal bar and the sky. The sky that was still a bright orange, the last flash of light before night blankets it. He didn’t have much time.

So Levi gave up on putting the pad on top. He gave up on the weather cover. He unwrapped his brace and threw it towards the side of the field..

Just one jump. The inhibitor within him promised. It sent a buckle through his knee and a light twinge of pain. It could have been stronger than a twinge, but Levi refused to feel it..

There’s just one thing I need to do for myself and I’ll close this part of my life for good.

Captain Levi never regretted. Or so that was what he had willed himself to do before. But everybody would regret even at least once in their life. Levi was part of that everyone and he had kept his own regret mum inside him. It festered into a wound, then to a scab and eventually it grew to shackles that kept him from moving freely, from moving on.

Ride the pain, the loss, the grief.

So he let the shackles do their work, he let the weight slow him down as he walked towards the starting line.

For a few seconds more, he found himself having to catch his breath as the sun made its way down from the horizon. It glowed a bright red, and along the way it released flashes of orange and yellow.

Soon enough, it was just him and the sky. Then him, the sky and someone else.

“Commander Hange Zoe,” he muttered quietly, yet still loud enough to hear it himself. That word, that name, only made that flicker up in the sky a little more lucid.

The silhouette that flew up in the mountains. The silhouette that flew past the buildings and up at the colossal titans.

That silhouette that burned into nothing up in the sky.

The rustle of the leaves, the biting cold and the distant footsteps though still threatened to pull him out of that world he created for himself. With the sun starting to disappear before the horizon, before the bright red--- the flames--- burned through the flicker. Before the flicker fell to the ground and burned out, Levi knew he would have to move.

Why don’t you want to jump? Levi asked himself. His knees were still buckling. The footsteps were still moving. He could get caught soon if he didn’t do it then.

When else will I be able to do this? Levi pressed, an attempt to push his body forward. His body was starting to disobey, or at least the scabbed knee, his joints, the remnants of bruises in his neck from each painful fall that led up to his injury. The biting cold and the pain at his throat from breathing the dry winter air made him even doubt his ability to run.

Certainly, he was in no shape to jump. But he wasn’t giving up just yet.

Eventually, he did find the right question, the one that had him recalling, then feeling everything at once. And it got his body moving.

Why did you start jumping?

I had dreams. I dreamt I could fly and when I jumped, there was this sense of nostalgia…

Letting himself name the emotions for what they were, he soon realized, the comfort that came with jumping wasn’t borne of nostalgia. It was borne of regret.

Captain Levi had one regret which he never entertained. One regret that ran so deep it could never be summarized with a single question.

Should I have stopped her?

Should I have run after her?

Should I have fought with her?

Back then, he never did go after her. so he never found answers. But in that split second flying feet up in the air with just the view of the blue sky above him, he always found hints to it.

So he continued to jump, higher and higher.

You won’t find the answer, no matter how high you jump. Something inside him nagged.

But I wanna leave this part of my life with no regrets. “I wanted to save you,” Levi said. It was only himself who could have spoken or heard him. So maybe he had said it a little louder, he couldn’t tell.

The flicker in the sky started to burn and like the many times he had envisioned that scene, he expected it to fall over soon. He was certain of that.

I should have tried to save you.

Trying never guaranteed success. But trying always had that special ability of just cushioning a fall, protecting against the impact of regret that followed.

And maybe that was the right thing to do. That alone had been enough to send a burst of energy through him, to bring back the muscle memory that got him succeeding at each height, winning competition after competition.

He wanted to fly. So he ran, like he had done many times before. He let his steps bounce, ignoring the pain in his knee.

The horizontal bar was nothing but a convenient silhouette, a guide towards his actual goal.

If I tried to save you, would things have ended up different?

Commander Hange Zoe was the source of energy that got him bouncing on that knee. It got him ignoring that white flashes of pain that followed. She was up there in the sky, fighting the colossal titans and Levi was determined to fly after her.

He positioned himself to jump in that split second, like he had done many times before. As his body turned to his side though, he saw another Hange Zoe.

She wasn’t a flicker nor a silhouette though She was clearly there, chestnut brown hair, bright eyes, like she had been in every single one of the competitions. He needed a split second more to process her. He was pressed for time though so he opted to look straight ahead, to focus on the jump.

“Levi!”

Levi was already up in the air when he heard her call out, when reality gripped at him and attempted to pull him back. Suspended up in the air, floating, it had been easier to pull away.

That was his last jump, his last attempt to save Commander Hange Zoe and he would see it through

There were things though people can will with all their minds, yet their body would still choose to disobey. If the body hadn’t been such a limiting factor, maybe everyone would have been an Olympic athlete.

Levi only had that crushing lesson on reality, hit him hard when he landed painfully on pad, the bar underneath him.

The flicker that he could have sworn was Hange faded into the sky. Or maybe it had fallen over too quickly, in the few moments it took Levi to blink.

The sky shifted into a deep blue. It would shift to a darker blue, then soon, the sky would be painted black. It took the flicker in the sky that had been Hange and soon it would be taking his surroundings with it.

Right after taking her? He would have wanted to ask. He had learned it before already, reality was cruel. There was no use bargaining with it.

It was starting to get cold. The heat in that moment as he made the jump and the heat of the fiery death he had witnessed, waged war with the winter chill that was starting to eat at him too.

Too many discomforts to process at once and in that second, Levi was almost grateful for the desolation, the disappointment that was also nagging at him then.

So he gave it some traction and soon, some place in reality. “I’m sorry, I can’t fly anymore,” he whispered. Those words should have been between him and whatever flicker had disappeared in the sky.

There had been an intruder though and Levi was slow to notice it. “Levi! What were you thinking?” she asked.

Gentle hands ran through him. Familiar hands pressed at his knees, at his arms. “Just thought I’d try it one last time.” Levi answered as he turned to the voice.

Hange’s face softened as they made eye contact. “Levi… you know the momentum comes from the run… With your injury, you wouldn’t have been able to even jump heights less than two meters..”

“I wanted to. Just one last time.”

Her hazel eyes were on him again, and they could have been glistening, illuminated by the already dim light as the winter sun shone with its last few rays.

“You don’t need to...” She helped him into a sitting position and Levi followed suit, surprised out how his body was still obeying him

Need to what? He hoped to seek clarity in the seconds that followed. Shaken for sure by those bursts of movement, the pain that came and the pain he had expected to come, he found himself unable to speak.

But it turned out, he didn't need to. He couldn't speak so Hange spoke for him. “If you don’t want me to, I won't leave you,” she said.

A minute ago, it had been hot. A few seconds ago it had been chilly. When she wrapped her arms around him though, the war between hot and cold ended with a comfortable compromise. Her tight embrace was lukewarm. “I’m right here… And I'll be right here for as long as you want me to be."

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

[doodledraw]

Return (Of What Was Cherished)

Cody crash lands on Tatooine. He doesn't really know why, but there's nothing left for him in the Empire. Little did he know there's a lot waiting for him this far out in the Outer Rim.

(thanks @katanrocksketches​ for the title idea!! and for being my sounding board ily)

Today for @commandercodyweek​ I decided to write a fic I’ve been wanting to try my hand at for a while!! Post-Order 66 reunions are just...the BEST so here’s my shot at it!

Read on AO3 here! Or under the cut!

He didn't know who he was. He didn't know what he was doing. All he knew was that it was kriffing hot and it had been over 24 hours since he had crossed paths with another being. Granted, 12 of those hours had been in space and then another 5 had been spent unconscious in the desert, slowly baking under the hot suns. Most of his armor had quickly been removed and fastened to a small sled using a piece of debris from his now absolutely trashed ship. Dragging that along, he began to wander the desert (it was just his luck he managed to land as far away from civilization as possible).

After two hours, he felt like he was going in circles.

After three, he spotted a ridge in the distance and started to make his way towards it.

After four, the ridge was still firmly in the distance and he was starting to think it was a mirage and that he was going to die out in the middle of nowhere.

He never realized that he was thinking clearer and more him than he had been for the last five years, like taking a breath after being underwater.

He finally reached the ridge on hour six and allowed himself a small rest. Clones were built for endurance but not for invulnerability. Besides, he needed to tend his wounds and the shelter he had found was the most he was going to get.

It was only once he'd stopped that his brain, no longer preoccupied with moving his legs through the rapidly shifting sands, caught up to his situation. That was when the panic set in. He was all alone, on a planet that very well could be the death of him, and yet at the same time he was feeling more alive than he had in a good long time.

After he gave himself a moment to panic, the rational part of his brain kicked in and he looked through the pockets on his toolbelt to see what he had with him.

Unfortunately, his black armor did nothing to help him from the heat of the suns, and he curses his competency for that. Why couldn't he have been forgettable?!

None of you are forgettable to me, my dear. You're all so very important, the memory surfaced unbidden. Obi-Wan would reassure him like that whenever he or his vode felt inadequate.

Cody's breath caught. He tried the name out in his head again. Obi-Wan. Then out loud: "Obi-Wan," he whispered to the wind.

He can say his General's name!

For the first time in years, he can say the name of the man who gave him everything and asked for nothing in return. It made him want to cry. But water is precious on Tatooine. Even he knows that. So he stashed that grief with all the other grief he'd piled away into a corner of his mind and then he left it be.

He's got a bacta patch, some tape, two painkillers, a spare comm that's broken straight in half, a ration bar, and nothing else. He split the ration bar in half and ate one of the halves along with one painkiller. Then he set to work making bandages out of part of the sleeve of his blacks and secured it around the cut on his head with some tape. Luckily he could still think rather clearly, so he didn’t think he was in danger of anything worse than a concussion, and the blood had stopped hours ago.

~~

He didn't realize he had fallen asleep until he woke up the next day. Sighing, he decided to conserve his painkillers and food. He wanted to make it out of this canyon...gorge...thing...whatever it was, if he even could and make it to some sort of civilization. So with a groan of pain, he set off again.

He focused on the fact that he was no longer burning under the suns constantly due to the slight shelter the ridge provided, and told himself that he could make it. He was Marshal Commander Cody turned Purge Trooper, the sun was not going to be the thing that killed him. Kriff it all, he was going to live. For his vode. For his General. He would live.

~~

Civilization was a sight for sore eyes. After almost having fallen to his death multiple times, and having definitely aggravated the wound on his abdomen, he had made it out. He wanted to fall asleep. No wait, he wanted to eat something other than the expired ration bar and then fall asleep. And food required civilization.

The citizens of the town had apparently had a good amount of half-dead beings stagger their way into town because he was barely even given a second glance. The town, which he later learned was Mos Espa, was located in the north across from the Dune Sea, where he'd crashed. The barkeep was helpful enough to direct him to somewhere he could trade in some of his armor and scrap for some credits and get new clothes for it. He traded everything except his vambraces, greaves, blaster and toolbelt, and got a hooded jacket and a pair of patched-up spacer's pants in return. Freshly outfitted and feeling lighter than he ever had, but also more exposed than ever, he wandered back outside and through the town.

He had no working commlink, not that he would want to call the Empire anyway, better they just assume he died, and no credits and nowhere to go. Credits, he obviously needed. Shelter could come later.

~~

Cody spent three weeks in Espa. He picked up odd-jobs here and there, and with the credits, bought some medical supplies, treated his wounds, and then did more odd-jobs. He had no purpose but also no reason to leave. The townsfolk weren't so bad once you got to know them and Espa was quiet, out of the way. No one could find him there.

At least that's what he thought.

Brown robes weren't uncommon on Tatooine. The first time he had seen one, he nearly killed himself by looking away from the box he was supposed to be catching. But it wasn't him, how could it be? The second and third times, he had been no less surprised, but this time he knew it wouldn't be him. It couldn't be him.

Now, being the tenth time, he barely even glanced at the stranger on an eopie wandering into town. But he felt the eyes on his back anyway.

Cody knew he was recognizable. He was one in a a few billion, obviously there would be people that had seen his face before. Some of the townsfolk asked about that at the beginning, but not for long. They stopped asking soon enough. So this stranger would realize soon enough that he wasn't who he thought and move on. They all did, everyone had for as long as he could remember, except for one. Cody couldn't escape the slight feeling of relief that filled him when the stranger's eyes were gone. For some reason, that stare had felt more piercing than normal. He shivered despite the heat, then turned back to his work.

He forgot about the stranger until that night, when he made his way into the bar for a refreshment after his day of work. They were there, at the bar, almost as if they were waiting for him. But that was crazy, and Cody resolutely placed himself as far away from them as possible. They made no move towards him, didn't even notice him, as far as he could tell, and they mutually ignored each other for the rest of the night.

Until Cody left to make his way back to where he was staying. Noticing his brown hooded shadow, he made his way through alleys and then stopped. "Whoever you are, whatever you want, why don't you just leave me alone. We'll both be happier that way."

The figure made a choked noise and took another half step towards Cody, who had spun to face them.

"What do you want from me?" the clone demanded.

"I don't know."

"Who are you? How did you find me?"

The figure lifted their hands to remove the hood, and Cody immediately tensed towards his blaster. Moonlight illuminated silver threaded copper hair and Cody's eyes widened.

"My dear, I think you know the answer to that by now. It's not an expression you've particularly liked me to say," Obi-Wan Kenobi said, tears streaming down his drawn face.

Cody stumbled back against the rough stone wall. "No. No, it's not you. It can't be. I...I killed you! I watched you fall! That should have killed you!"

"You of all people should know I am rather good at surviving things normal mortals should not be able to," he chuckled wetly and his gaze moved off into the middle distance. "It was a specific point of anxiety for you during the war. Oh Kote. Ner'Kote...what have they done to you?"

"More like what have they done with me," Cody remarked bitterly. He scrubbed a hand over his face. "Is this real? I need you to tell me right now if this is real, General."

"Not your General."

Cody gave him a withering glare. "Yes you are."

The Not Apparition took a step forward. "May I?"

Cody nodded slowly, and then General Kenobi was gently, carefully, cradling his hand in both of his like it was the most precious thing he had ever held. "I'm here, Cody."

Cody broke right there. In the middle of nowhere on Tatooine, Cody fell to the ground and sobbed. He grieved in his General's arms, the man he was not allowed to even think of until earlier that month. The man he thought he had killed. The man he loved.

"Ni'ceta! Ni'ceta, Obi-Wan! I should have fought it harder, I should have escaped earlier, I should have looked for you, I should have--"

Obi-Wan shushed him. "You should have nothing Cody. You did everything you could. It was not you. I forgive you. I've forgiven you. I'd forgiven you as I was falling. It was not you, my dear."

They sat there, two broken pieces slowly healing each other in the middle of an alley in the middle of nowhere in Mos Espa until Obi-Wan pulled away.

"Let's go home cyar'ika," he murmured.

Home. The first true home he would ever have. "That sounds perfect."

#codyweek2021 #day 2 post order 66 #Post Order 66 #codywan #obi wan kenobi #commander cody week #commander cody #the clone wars #writing #my writing #doodledrawsart #listen i love them a lot okay #star wars #star wars fanfiction #fanfiction #my fanfiction #clone wars fanfiction

[rina-writes]

Mom and Dad

Summary: In the same way that Grayson jokes about being the dad, you are the “mom” friend.  It never occurred to you how strange this was until you and your close friend Grayson are babysitting your cousin and someone actually mistakes you for a family.

Genre/Warnings: Fluffy, Secret Crush, Baby Fever

A/N:  This is a concept I thought of that I forced into a fic.  I’ve been obsessed with 90s aesthetic (particularly film and media and the “grainy” filters) so I am also adding some pictures that inspired me. I don’t own any rights to these pictures and thank you to these beautiful people for inspiring this fic! 

You first met the twins on one of their trips back home to Jersey.  You were visiting a family friend who happened to live near their house.  It was super early in their YouTube careers, so you only knew from your family friend that the boys had dropped out school, moved to LA, and made videos online.  Like most people hearing this, you assumed the Dolans were a privileged family with spoiled kids that only worried about when their next trust fund payment would hit their account.  You were pleasantly surprised when, upon hearing that you were visiting, the Dolan family welcomed you into their home and threw a little barbecue for you and your folks.  Not only were the boys down-to-earth, but they were also kind and easy to be around.  You became fast friends and often spent time together when they came to visit.

It would be a lie to say that they didn’t play a role in you deciding to move to LA for college.  They talked about LA so much, that you always wanted to live there.  The couple times you visited, the twins showed you how much fun sunshine could be, even if you missed the four seasons of the northeast. 

It would also be a lie to say that BOTH the twins were your motivation for wanting to move to the sunny state.  You were a bit partial to the younger, but larger twin, Grayson.  The way you would describe your connection was that you and Ethan were similar, but you and Grayson were compatible. You agreed on the things that mattered, but you and Grayson balanced each other out. Where he was impulsive, you were calculated.  Where you came off aloof, he was gregarious.  You liked to think you brought out the best in each other.  You had a small crush on Grayson, but it was one of those crushes you only felt when you were near to him.  When you were back in school, you didn’t think about him that much.  However, when you hung out at their house or went out to grab a bite, you were completely consumed by him. His hair, his eyes, his laugh, his large hands...everything about him seemed to be crafted by the heavens.  

You didn’t want your feelings to get in the way of your friendship, so you never told anyone how you felt.  Of course, some people figured it out.  Most girls around the Dolan twins fell for either of them. They had that effect on people because they would make you seem like the most important person in the world.  Grayson definitely catered to you more than Ethan. It didn’t help your feelings for him, as you often spent time together doing menial tasks.  That’s why you weren’t entirely surprised when Grayson offered to help you babysit your cousin.  It was a combination of two things Grayson enjoyed: helping people and pretending to be a dad.

Your cousins were visiting you in LA from Jersey.  Your first cousin and his husband recently adopted a toddler named Monica.  While they were excited to have her in their life, you knew that your cousins needed some alone time.  You encouraged them to build a couple’s day full of activities from the spa to dining at an exclusive restaurant.  To ensure they could some of alone time, you would watch Monica for a few hours.  It took quite a bit of convincing, like most new parents, they were attached to their kid. After multiple conversations, and almost begging, you finally convinced them to let you take her out for a fun day in Los Angeles.

You mentioned it casually the night before you were going to pick her up.  You were at dinner with the twins and a few of their friends.  Grayson’s eyes sparkled instantly.

“I can help you with Monica.” He grinned widely.  “We can take her to this new museum for kids.  It’s free entry on Saturday mornings.”

“Why do you know that?” Ethan asked, yelling at his brother despite sitting next to him.

“I saw an article about it...” Grayson yelled back. “Some people read about the news Ethan.”

“O-kay” Ethan put up his hands as he rolled his eyes.  “Trying to show off for Y/N because she’s in college or whatever.  I see you.”

“I’m not...” Grayson said, his voice getting softer as he glanced at you. 

“Well, it works out.” Ethan shrugged.  “You’re such a mom, Y/N.  I can’t get over that Snap! The one where you were tipsy, but still  putting all the girls in your sorority to bed.  You braided that one girl’s hair!”

You blushed as there was a chorus of laughter from the table. “Oh come, on! I’m not a mom, I’m just responsible.”

“It’s okay, Y/N.” Grayson reassured you.  “I have to take care of Ethan all the time.”

Ethan narrowed his eyes at Grayson. “You don’t take care of me...”

Grayson opened his mouth to argue, but you put up a hand to stop him.  Once those two got started, nothing could get them to shut up.

“Tomorrow then?” You smiled, nodding at Grayson.

“Tomorrow!” Grayson confirmed nodding back.  There was a moment where you locked eyes like there was some weird secret between you too, but neither of you seemed to know what it was.  Blushing, you both awkwardly sipped your beverages until someone changed the subject.

When you went to pick Monica up the next morning, you were greeted by big hugs from your cousins. 

“Oh my goodness, Y/N” Your cousin said, looking at you while picking up Monica. In the background, his husband put the final items in Monica’s travel bag.  “Is that your mom’s shirt? I remember her wearing something similar back in the day.”

You laughed and nodded, looking down at the thin, emerald green sweater with four adjacent squares in red, yellow, blue and pink going across the bust. You pulled it down to cover your leggings that stopped at your ankles above your dark slip on shoes. 

“I stole it from the attic.  It’s kind of my style right now.” You grinned.  “Do you like the hat?”

“The beret.” Your cousin’s husband corrected as he leaned over to tilt it to the side. “I believe that was your mother’s too.”

Your cousin and his husband had dated for a long time before getting married.  They practically grew up together, so naturally, your cousin’s husband also knew your family too.  It reminded you a bit of you and Grayson. Except, the dating and married part, of course.

“You got me!” You shrugged, laughing again.  “The lady has great style what can I say?”

“Alright,” Your cousin sighed as he gave Monica a final hug. His husband kissed Monica’s cheek before your cousin handed her to you. 

You took the little girl in your arms.  She had a bit of weight to her, but she was still quite small.  She was close to your complexion, with large eyes and a tiny mouth. She was quiet, constantly observing and didn’t seem to react to anything, not even being handed off to an almost complete stranger.  You made a mental note to make sure she was by your side at all times. 

“You have your pull-ups, your snacks, your wash cloths, your bandaids....” Your cousin tapped the bag on his husband’s shoulder.  “You have it all! Anything you need, do not hesitate to call us.”

“Don’t worry!” You comforted them.  “It’s only six hours.  I’ve babysat for 12 hours and that was for three very....not nice children.  Monica has veteran babysitter with her today.”

“You know we trust you!” Your cousin smiled.  “We just know how much of a doozy it can be to take care of a toddler.  Besides, I think we’re getting a bit of parent separation anxiety.”

You shifted Monica to your hip and reached out for the travel bag. “And she will be back in your arms in six hours! Make sure you are rejuvenated and relaxed when you meet her.”

“Well if you insist...” Your cousin joked, not without taking another longing look at his daughter

“Are you sure you can take both?” Your cousin’s husband asked as he prepared to hand you the travel the bag.  “While she may try to trick you into carrying her everywhere, she can walk.” He added a laugh.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  You nodded.  Just as you were about to take the bag, you heard a knock on the door.

Given that it was a hotel, the three adults looked at each other with confusion.  Your cousin opened the door to see a nervously smiling Grayson waving at you.

“Sorry I’m late.” Grayson apologized stepping in.  “I didn’t want to take the Porsche so I borrowed a car from one of my editors.  It took longer than I expected.”

“No worries.” You smiled, “But I thought we would meet at the museum?”

“I figured you would need some help.” Grayson grinned. “No sense taking a Uber if I have a car.”

Grayson looked around and upon seeing the travel bag made a soft ‘oh’ sound as he took it from your cousin. 

“Oh, this is Grayson.” You introduced Grayson to your family.

“Is this your boyfriend?” Your cousin’s husband asked after shaking Grayson’s hand.

“No,” You laughed softly, hoping it sounded natural and not panicked/secretly thrilled, “He’s a family friend who lives out here in LA.”

“I’m family, and I don’t remember him being a friend.” Your cousin quirked a brow.

You could see Grayson’s face turning red and you cleared your throat. 

“I think we should get going before the museum is no longer free, huh?” You said, changing the subject before the interrogation continued.

“Ha, good idea!” Grayson said, catching on quickly.

“Be safe you two!” Your cousin called as Grayson held the door for you.  

You smiled as Grayson led you to the car.  He was a little dressed up with a long sleeved white shirt, tucked into his dark jeans with a designer belt.  You were so used to seeing him fully casual with no shirt and the tiniest shorts.  It made your heart melt that he had gotten dressed up for Monica.  

Grayson put Monica’s travel bag in the trunk of the black sedan, before running over to open the door for you.

“Take your time.” You told him.  “We’re in no rush, right Mo?” You asked Monica, who was sucking her thumb and taking in her surroundings.

You eyebrows went up in surprise when you saw a car seat in the back seat.

“Ace Family...” Grayson explained, blushing softly.  “I read that young kids should always have a car seat and I wasn’t sure if your cousin had one.”

“I think she usually just sits in someone’s lap.” You bit your lip.  “But, I’m sure this is way safer.  This is so thoughtful, Grayson!”

Grayson beamed at your words. It warmed your heart when he gave you the large goofy smile.  It was his natural one when he wasn’t posing for pictures or trying to look hot.  The smile that only came out when he was really happy.

You watched as Monica fidgeted in the car seat, making it almost impossible for Grayson to buckle her in.  He started to sweat, the stains appearing under his armpits and you fought back a chuckle.

“Let me try?” You offered.

“Uh sure...” Grayson bashfully moved away, watching you as you distracted Monica with the jingling bracelet on your left wrist while you used your right hand to buckle the first clip.  Monica reached for one of your charms and you took the opportunity to clasp the other belt that finished the part on her waist.

“Hands up!” You said, excitedly, secretly surprised that Monica followed your direction, but also happy she did since Grayson looked so impressed.

You buckled the seat belt that went over her body and leaned back to look at her.

“Feeling good, Monica?” You asked.

She nodded softly, looking off in the distance.

“Give me a wiggle.” And you shook your shoulders.

She glanced at you and mimicked you with the same emotionless expression.

Grayson laughed. “She is actually the cutuest.”

“I know right?” You said, looking at him with your lower lip jutted out, a pout in reaction to her cuteness.

Monica looked between the two of you before turning her attention back to whatever outside the window seemed to be so interesting.  She was probably the most laid back toddler you ever met.  This was going to be easy.

“Should I introduce myself?” Grayson asked nervously.

“Honestly, I should probably introduce myself too.” You laughed.  “She was just kinda handed to me.”

You leaned over to be in front of Monica and she turned slightly to give you her attention.

“Now, I’m Y/N.” You said, putting a hand on your chest.  “We met last year, but you probably don’t remember.”

You put a hand on Grayson’s shoulder.  “This is Grayson.”

Grayson stuck out his hand for a handshake and you sputtered laughter.

“Grayson, she’s three she won’t...”

Monica took Grayson’s hand and he shook, giving you a smug expression.

“You were saying?” Grayson asked making you roll your eyes.

“Okay, okay...” You put your hands up. “You’re pretty good with kids...so far!”

You pointed at him, to emphasize that he hadn’t won you over just yet.  

“You just wait, Y/N.” Grayson said, walking to the driver’s seat. You followed suit, and walked to the passenger seat.

“I’ll be such a good a dad, you’ll be calling me Daddy.” Grayson winked, and glanced at you to see your shocked expression. “Oh good god, not like that.”

You laughed, punching him lightly. “I’m just kidding, Gray. I know what you meant.” 

“Oh sure laugh it up.” Grayson said, rolling his eyes as he started to drive. You glanced at him and the tips of his ears were still red from blushing.  So cute...

When you arrived at the museum, Monica’s personality busted out. She loved the exhibits where she could touch stuff, enjoying the slime the most.  You spent about 45 minutes just watching her sticking her hand in goop.  You and Grayson took turns holding her and helping her make shapes with the material.  You took pictures of Grayson, your heart melting seeing his genuine happiness playing with Monica. Every time she made her little toddler giggle, Grayson’s smile double in size.  You were going to treasure these photos forever.  

“I’m going to the bathroom.” You said to Grayson, who gave a quick nod.

You smiled and walked to the bathroom.  After doing your business, you inspected your face.  You dug into your bag and went to apply lip gloss.  You fixed your hat a few times, still not sure if it really went with your hairstyle.

“Uhm, excuse me?” A woman about your mom’s age alerted you.

“Hi?” You turned around and you eyes widened to see Monica holding the woman’s hand, sucking her thumb.

“Monica...what...” You reached down to pick Monica up and the lady smiled softly. You were about to ask for an explanation, but the lady quickly provided one.

“Your husband said you were in here and your daughter wanted to use the bathroom.  He said you would be the girl fixing her beret in the mirror.”

You blushed and laughed softly.  “My husband, huh?” You shook your head.”Well thank you...”

“Come on, Monica.” You said to Monica who was holding on to your shoulder with her free hand.  “Let’s go potty.”

You helped Monica use the bathroom, realizing that Grayson did not provide you with the travel bag, so you had to clean her up without the fancy wipes and creams you cousins packed. 

With both of your hands washed, you escorted Monica out the bathroom who, the moment she was out, ran to Grayson who was waiting across the hall.  He picked her up and she held on to him, resuming sucking on her finger.

“I forgot you would need this.” Grayson said, gesturing to the bag on his shoulder, while he shifted Monica’s weight to your hip.

“I know, my husband is so silly.” You narrowed your eyes.

“What did you want me to say?” Grayson said, looking around embarrassed.  “Monica started crying all of a sudden saying she couldn’t hold it.  I ran with her to the bathroom, but I couldn’t walk in and I wasn’t going to take her into the guy’s room.  So, I started to explain that you were in there and she was like “Oh I’ll take her to your wife.” I didn’t want to correct her...it felt like a bad time.”

“I’m just relieved that Monica didn’t announce she had two dads.” You laughed.  “Might have been a little awkward to explain with my husband waiting outside the door.”

“Yikes,” Grayson said, making a face. “Though, I am sorry. I didn’t realize it would put you in such a predicament.”

“It’s fine!” You tried to assuage his worries, laughing. “I mean, we’re like 20...it’s her fault for thinking this was our kid. And that we were married. She’s the weirdo”

“I dunno...” Grayson said, looking at the three of you in the reflection of one of the displays. “It’s not the weirdest thing in the world. Being assumed to be married to me?”

You noticed a bit of bite in his tone and you frowned.  “You’re not the problem, Gray.  I’m just saying we are a little young.”

Grayson didn’t say anything to you in response. Instead, he asked Monica if she wanted to go to the dinosaur exhibit again, another favorite of hers.  She started bouncing up and down, and Grayson carried her toward the exhibit.  You scurried to keep up, confused at what you said to tick him off.  When you arrived, you saw there was a show for the kids.  It was one of those shows where there was a “dinosaur expert” and some people in dinosaur costumes explaining each of the species.

Grayson put Monica down in front and went to stand in the back with the other parents.  He was staring straight ahead, pretending to be very invested.  You could tell he was pretending because his eyes were glazing over. 

“G-Gra--” You started to say, but then his phone started to vibrate.

Grayson glanced down and ignored the spam call, showing his background. The background was of you playing with Monica in the slime.  You blushed and pretended not to notice. Suddenly, it made sense why Grayson was so huffy.  You didn’t want to get too excited, because you were still not 100% sure it was true.

“Hey,” You nudged him. “You’re going to be a great dad one day.”

Grayson glanced at you before looking forward. “Thanks...”

“While, I’m not ready to be a 20 year old mom,” You bit your lip, “I would be down to date one of my best friends...”

Grayson whipped his head to stare at you and you smiled. You unlocked your phone to show your wallpaper, a picture of him playing with Monica.

“Huh,” Grayson smirked. “I didn’t realize how creepy that is until I see it on someone else’s phone.”

“It’s only creepy if you’re not dating the person.” You smiled.

Grayson bit his lip and chuckled. “Thank goodness we’re changing that.”

Your eyes widened.  “Are you asking me out?”

“At the dinosaur musical...” Grayson said, gesturing to the stage.  “Of course, the only place where mom friends and dad friends can truly be ourselves.”

You laughed and Grayson continued to scold himself out loud for being the lamest person ever.

“Would it be weird to kiss someone at a dinosaur musical?” You asked, glancing down at the floor.

Grayson tried to hide his smile, but it was stretching across his face too quickly. He cupped your cheek and pecked your lips softly. As he began to pull away, you started to kiss back, keeping you two connected for a few more seconds.

“That was nice...” You said, smiling. “Really nice.”

Grayson put his arm around you and kissed your forehead lightly.  You both turned toward the show and watched for a bit before Grayson leaned in and asked,

“Can we tell E we started dating tomorrow?” He looked away as he continued to speak forcing you to lean in to hear him. “I don’t want him to know I finally made a move at a freaking dinosaur musical.”

You laughed and grabbed the sides of his jaw to turn him to face you. “Maybe, but you’ll have to make it worth my while.”

Grayson gave you a mischievous grin as he leaned down to rest his forehead on yours. His eyes bore into yours causing the heat to rise to your cheeks. You blushed more as Grayson’s voice, suddenly deepening to whisper said,

“Remember that conversation about you calling me Daddy...”

#grayson dolan #grayson dolan blurb #grayson dolan scenario #grayson dolan imagine #dolan twins #dolan twins imagine #dolan twins blurb #dolan twins scenario #grayson x reader #grayson x you #r-writes-fic #fic-dad

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH 11

“Did I meet your friends last night?” Kirby asked as he unwrapped his crunchwrap in the driver's seat.

“uuh...kinda? Like Toby was with me when I gave you the Surge but you sorta just ran off with it.” you pause as you sip a bit of your Baja Blast. “Like a fucking gremlin.”

Kirby lets out a snort and lettuce drops from his mouth. He tries to hide his messy eating behind his hand. Failing miserably, you can't help but laugh at your friend.

“Wha' bout the other two? Kieth said you ditched 'em.” For a man who was trying to cover up his mouth he sure had the audacity to try and talk with his mouth full.

“They're Toby's roommates, I haven't talked to them too much.” he nods as you speak.

“Well I promise I'll be more...together,” he makes a sort of questioning sound as he debates if that was the word he was looking for. He can't really think of anything else so he settles for 'together'. “next weekend. They are coming right?”

After a brief pause he gets his mind back in place, “This weekend, picnic's this weekend.” You chuckle.

“Toby said they'd stop by. Don't think any are really people people.”

“People people?”

“Yup” not going to let Kirby rile you up as he often tries. Not that he could with his current brain power. Sleep haze still has him in it's hold despite being “up” for about an hour now.

Out of everyone in your friend group Kirby is probably the one you're closest to. Along with being a fellow Ace he's an ambivert and you two just instantly clicked over dumb D grade monster movies. He jokes you guys must be long lost siblings. Well he only started the sibling thing because multiple Hornets or other members of the committee kept thinking you guys were dating. Since then Kirby takes to purposefully calling you some variation of sibling when he shows any type of affection. It seems even just being referenced to being in a relationship squicks him out. You don't mind though you'd always wanted an older brother and Kirby is the exact type you would've wished for. The funny dork who was super easy to get along with.

Even when he steals your nachos...like he is now.

“I'm starting to understand the Cain Instinct.” you say looking him dead in the eyes. He lets out a roar of laughter and reminds you he bought “breakfast”.

“Dad tax and all that.”

“You're not my dad! Ugly ass doodoo head.”

“Is that what that kid said? I don't think that's right.” another thing you share is constantly referencing vines or tiktok sounds.

This of course led to an argument of what the kid actually said in the vine. Both of you were determined to get home and look it up to prove the other wrong.

After your breakfast Kirby started the truck as you put all the trash into the Taco Bell bag. You switch on his stereo much to his chagrin. Kirby got a CD stuck in the radio and now the only thing he can listen to is a meme mix tape he made back in high school. It was funny the first two months for him and now he prays that the novelty will ware off on you soon.

Though it has been a few weeks since he last drove you anywhere, and what can he say Discord is always a bop.

Kirby drops you off without much fanfare, you both agree to seeing each other next week at the picnic. Is it ironic that you want to call out for him to get some more sleep? Like you are the one who's been up since five AM and it's now eleven. But you have a medical condition, Kirby is just over worked and stressed beyond Hell and back.

Getting inside you have nothing really planned for today and while you could start heading out to thrifts to find something formal for Jo's recital you really don't feel like it. Productivity wise you've already had a pretty busy weekend so no one can really judge you for taking it easy and just merging with the couch for the rest of it. Even you, you can be so tough on yourself sometimes.

British Bake Off is just the thing you need to enjoy the rest of your weekend. A calming low stress but funny baking show. Just turn your brain off and lose yourself in the soothing monotone of the judges. It's nearly six in the evening when you finally shake off your lazy day haze.

Getting up, bakers still baking, you start making a simple dinner. Fried egg on toast sounds good. Also a good balance to your supreme nacho breakfast from this morning. Dressing one slice of toast in butter and the other with butter, a little mayo, and a dash of Tabasco before placing the egg on it. You head back to eat and continue watching the competition. Your meal fills you and gives the energy you need to continue “leisureing”.

After an hour you get up and wash the dishes from earlier. And while you have no energy to actually play any of your video games right now you do want to log in for your dailies.

A quick trip to your bedroom has you grabbing your laptop before returning back to the comfort of your living room. Couch calling you to it's cozy embrace. You half pay attention to what you're doing as you set up your laptop, muscles running on muscle memory more than any conscious effort on your part. You hadn't even noticed your hands flickering across the board and logging into your email.

By the time you do realize you aren't on your game's site you see you have a new email. It's from Barclay.

'Coming to ask for my help?' you think a little too smug that you'd been right about the cooking being too much for the man.

However, that wasn't what he was messaging you about. It seems he and Leo had been talking and the old man mentioned what your plans for cooking were.

Shortie,

Leo says you're making forager's pie for the picnic. Seasons ripe for ramps and mushrooms. You in for a little adventure through new unexplored territory?

...I'm hunting some lobster mushrooms, could use a hand or two Will share the bounty. ~Barclay sent 12:04 PM

An olive branch in hopes you weren't too sore about his rejection from earlier this week. The message and sentiment is lost on you since you got over that Thursday.

The idea of new terrain makes you a bit uneasy, however lobster mushrooms were pretty good and forage finds were really rare. Barclay grew up in these woods he probably knew what he was doing, not to mention he could easily know where to find ramps. Their flavor would really up your pie game. It's settled you're in for a forage date with big foot as your guide.

Am in Big Feet. When are we going? Sent 7:20 PM

Like with most things a waiting game began, down sides to living in a radio quiet community people weren't as attached to electronics because of the limited capabilities. But now that you know Barclay is emailing you, you can check your phone more often. Shutting down your laptop you close it before sliding it under your coffee table as you slide down the couch getting comfy.

It was two hours before Barclay got back to you.

Fantastic! Does Tuesday work? ~Barclay sent 9:42 PM

Barclay must be in a rush to get those mushrooms. You'd been thinking Thursday or Friday at the latest for the freshest mushrooms. Maybe he didn't need them for the picnic but a personal project. From what Jake has told you Barclay often falls into spells of testing out new ideas with the strangest of ingredients. With varying results but mainly positive ones.

Yea sure. Meet at the lodge after my shift? Sent 9:50 PM

Perfect see you then. ~Barclay sent 9:52 PM

Oki Sent 9:52 PM

Now that that has been settled you are free to continue your chill Sunday. Losing yourself to the lulling voices of the judges you hardly notice as you drift off. Warm in your throw blanket cocoon and cozy on the plush of your couch.

You jolt up right panting after being woken up by a loud bang. Or at least you thought you'd heard a bang, Sometimes auditory hallucinations came to you in your sleep no matter how well rested you were. The room around you is dark as the light from your TV is dimmed with Netflix's 'Are you still watching?' pop up mocking you for your marathon.

Without thinking you hit 'yes' and the bake off resumes. With the brightness restored you can see your living room and hallway are completely undisturbed. An auditory hallucination must have pulled you out of sleep. Nothing more, after all your stalker wouldn't get sloppy now, it's only been three weeks.

'That you know of.' seems to whisper and embed itself in your mind.

Shaking off the worrying thought you look at your phone to see it's now quarter till one. You are hungry and don't feel like cooking. Thankfully you have emergency white castles and fries in your freezer for this exact need. Getting up you go to the kitchen to microwave your food. Popping the fries in first you decide to head to the bathroom before that becomes a problem for you.

Before you go down the hallway you do end up grabbing the bat next to the bookshelf. The whisper from earlier clearly hasn't done much to settle your nerves after your rude awakening. Protection in hand you have a little less anxiety about walking down the dark hallway. You'd have to look into installing one of those cheap wall lamps from Home Depot to help you out in situations like this. Either that or a night light in your bathroom, you can probably get the night light done quicker. Maybe Leo sells them, you'll have to check next week.

You made it back to the kitchen after your bathroom break without any surprises, real or imaginary, jumping out at you. Replacing the fries inside your microwave with sliders, you snack on a few while you wait for the rest of your meal.

It's probably paranoia but you can't blame yourself for it as you continue to keep an ear out for any sound of abnormal movement within your home, as you eat and have the bake show low enough to catch the sounds of another person. None come, and you finish your food without incident. You're willing to chalk the noise up to a hallucination and your paranoia as valid but not necessary in this moment. Without much more thought you place your empty plate on the coffee table and curl back up in your throw blanket. Just like before you don't catch yourself as you fall asleep. This time you don't wake up until your phone alarm goes off for you to start your week and head to work.

The week has been much less dramatic than last week had been. But then again it is only Tuesday and you literally have gay brunch this Sunday. There will definitely be some sort of theatrics this week. Whether they come from homosexuals or your stalker is up to God.

Then later today you'll be going foraging with Barclay. And while that isn't anything dramatic it will be an adventure and, you hope, really fun! Your excitement has been tangible all day and you couldn't hold yourself back from focusing only on the clock in the shop all day. Even giddier than normal for the strike of five. With the energy rushing through you it amped up your tics but thankfully you hadn't hurt yourself in your excitement.

Even Nate is beginning to playfully tease you about your “date” with Barclay.

Great he must've been talking to Little Jo. What is it with this family and wanting you to date the lodge owner? Do you just look like the lead in a Hallmark Christmas movie that moved to a small town in order to feel the joy of the holidays? You could definitely get into the role but you don't think Barclay would be the main love interest for you.

Honestly he'd probably be the one all the viewers cheered for but you'd personally go for the puppy dog partner that has a scarred past. You have a type and your type is emotionally wounded and needing of love. That thought had made you chuckle as you and Nate closed up the store for the day.

Nate kept looking over at you throughout the day, and when he heard you giggle to yourself at closing he couldn't help the fond smile that came over his features. He could feel how his brows lifted themselves from their normally furrowed or downward tilt. He'd have let you leave early had it not been for the new procedures Big Jo had set. It's not often that your excitement shows so visibly. It's not often that the Cowell family has seen you happy like this.

But Nate understands it's not the crush that Little Jo seems to think it is, it's something more bittersweet. It's the excitement that comes from finally waning off of being isolated for so long. And boy does Nate understand that feeling. If he had to guess Nate would say you've been alone for most of your life even if you don't act like it. You need these little hangouts with your friends. So he does his fastest close yet. You both are out the door by five after and he bids you goodnight as you head to your respective cars.

With the close tonight being so quick you made it to the lodge and parked in the half full lot just before five thirty. Getting out of your car you noticed a familiar duo sitting on the stoop of the lodge.

'Something's wrong.' is the only thought you have as you walk towards the lodge.

“Hey stranger.” the brunette looks up to you at your greeting.

In this light you can just catch the slight movement of his pupils in his dark eyes as they widen in surprise.

“oh...hey?” he seems confused to see you here. Must not be used to living in a small town yet. He'll learn soon enough that you run into everyone all the time here. Sometimes multiple times a week as it would seem.

“You good?” motioning towards the hand on the back of his neck.

“Yea, fucking Bri-an Mrrow thought I needed this.” Toby moves his hand to show an ice pack that you assume he's been holding to the back of his neck.

“Heat sickness?”

“Nah, the RV's AC busted. I can probably fix it by the end of the week.” you nod.

That makes sense, after all CIPA affects thermal regulation, at least from a basic skim. You really need to get on that deep dive to make sure you're prepared for irregular injury prevention with Toby. Speaking of, the boy in front of you is just sitting here with Connor, why? Even if he's here to get a room at the lodge why didn't he just go in? Connor is a service dog after all not like anyone could turn him away. So why was Toby just sitting out here, especially if Brian thought he needed an ice pack to the neck to keep cool?

As if the universe heard your question and decided to give you an answer, Aubrey opened the door and poked her head out.

“Thanks for letting me put up Dr. Harris Bonkers. I'll keep him in my room during your stay.” Oh that makes sense Aubrey's rabbit normally has the run of the lodge. Even if Connor's a service dog and well trained Dr. Bonkers is still a prey animal with a weak heart. Seeing Connor may have stressed the poor rabbit out, if not nearly given him a heart attack.

Her russet eyes land on you when she opens the door wider to, you assume, let Toby and Connor in. They widen and Aubrey rushes in to hug you before stopping short as if remembering you don't appreciate physical contact.

“Hey YN! I didn't know you were coming over.” She says a little awkwardly mid pose for a hug.

You won't be saving her from the situation. With a smile, that she can't see, you nod.

“Barclay's taking me foraging today.”

Aubrey nods while lowering her arms and takes a few steps back so you and Toby can enter the lodge. The large foyer of the wooden chalet always looks bigger thanks to the deep red tones in it's color palette. From the dark cherry stained wood to the red rugs and table liners. Always feels a lot warmer too, but in a homey sense not the overbearing swelter of heat sense. You can't wait to see what it's like in the winter. Probably so cozy and welcoming with a fire roaring and the murmur of residents and tourist mingling over the winter festivities. There's a swell in your chest at the thought...it seems nice, you hope you're right.

'Hope you see it.' is the dark whisper that taints your thoughts.

You notice Brian and Tim are over at the counter talking to Barclay who is nodding along sympathetically to the trio's plight. He catches your eye and motions for you to wait. You'd been planning to, after all he's currently working.

Turning to Toby you see he looks a bit paler than normal, which should be a difficult feat. Aubrey had left you both, though you aren't sure if she'll be coming back with her girlfriend Dani in a moment or not. You decide to lead Toby over to the obnoxiously plush couch in the den.

It's not like the lodge is off limits to those who aren't guests, and seeing as most of it's workers live here their friends frequently come around thus using the amenities. After sitting on the couch Toby grabs at Connor's ears and starts shaking them. He isn't being rough with them despite the jerky movements and Connor seems to lean into the pet.

Just from what you can gather it seems like Toby has some pretty bad social anxiety. You really aren't sure of what you could do to help. He calmed down at the movie night with a distraction...oh that reminds you, you fell asleep on him. Figuratively and literally.

“I'm sorry for falling asleep on you.” probably not the most tactful or elegant way of bringing this up.

Toby takes a minute to register you words. Not taking his eyes off Connor or ceasing his movements he says, “Eh.” as he gives a muted shrug and continues, “Your friend...Kirby...gave you a ride right?” He said Kirby's name like a question. You'd have to formally introduce the two at some point. Probably this weekend.

“Yea, he's sorry about being a weirdo Saturday, said he'd be more “present” this weekend.”

Toby doesn't say anything more and you let a silence fall over you two. It isn't awkward, at least to you, and you're content to just sit and wait for a while. However, it doesn't take long before Tim, Brian, and Barclay are all entering the den.

“Knew they'd be here,” Barclay says to the other two, “Sorry 'bout the wait YN, Jake's comin' down to give these guys a tour an' set them up. We'll leave when he gets down.” you nod and give the other two a muted wave 'hello'.

It isn't long before Jake is sliding down the banister and leading the group out of the room before Barclay can get on to him about his juvenile behavior. Sighing at the twenty-three year old's antics Barclay turns to you and looks at what you're wearing. Hiking boots and jeans, perfect but one thing is missing.

“C'mon let's go get duct taped.”

“Duct taped?”

“Yup, keeps ticks from climbing up you.”

So you make your way to his office where he sticks duct tape, sticky side up, around each ankle and just above and below your knees. All while explaining how if a tick started to try and climb up you the tape would make them stick and stay there. You'd end up with less ticks on your torso and hopefully none at all.

In no time the two of your were in the forest two baskets in hand and hunting for your immobile prey. The ramps were super easy to find and the first you knocked off the hunt list. Barlcay said they grow in the same area every year, knowing this you may have to come and grab some the next time they're in season. You can already taste how good your forager's pie tastes with the new earthy tones. Actual mushrooms were much harder to find, aside from the lobster mushrooms you were really only looking for some hedgehog mushrooms. They aren't rare or extremely difficult to find but you two aren't having any luck.

Barclay suggested a spot just past a little pond, and while you didn't find mushrooms you did find some Black Raspberry bushes. Not one to let ingredients go to waste Barclay starts picking some, and you grab some too. Maybe baking an easy Black Raspberry cobbler will be your consolation prize. Though Barclay isn't as placated as you are with the unexpected find. The man is still on the hunt for his lobster mushrooms. So you continue scouring the path and a little bit off it in search.

“We should head back, it's dark.” you state plainly after a few hours of searching and remaining mushroom less.

Barclay agrees, but makes the comment that he'll probably come out again in a day or two.

“If I find any I'll still give you some or helping out today.”

“It's fine I've got my treasures right here.” You shrug it off, because while you are a bit disappointed, you still have ramps and the opportunity to make cobbler. It's not all bad. Barclay on the other hand, you know, will not be letting this go so you expect he'll hand you a container of mushrooms sometime in the coming month if not this weekend.

Getting back to the lodge Barclay helps you cut off the duct tape and disposes of it and the hitch hikers you picked up. He sends you off to shower and check for stragglers before he would allow you to go home. Thankfully you had the foresight to bring a change of clothes and after retrieving them from your trunk you do as you're told.

Barclay was right you hadn't had a single tick on you and you feel much better after a shower. Getting out you already smell the alluring aroma of Barclay's kitchen. You must have taken a bit longer than you intended if he was already done with his own shower and already cooking for the lodge. Heading downstairs with your duffle bag in tow, you are stopped by Dani at the door.

You haven't seen her in a bit so the two of you catch up and have a chat. After a bit Aubrey comes in with a Tupperware container of grilled salmon and veggies over rice.

“Oh I see, you were a diversion.” you said looking at Dani as you take the container. Dani gives a sheepish smile before running off to the dinning room, and after sending you a coy smile of her own Aubrey follows after.

You know you're more than welcome to join them, but you really don't have the battery for that and just want to decompress at home.

“Thank you!” you call out into the lodge, only leaving after hearing the distant chuckles drifting through the hall.

Opening the door you run right into someone. Looking up you see Toby, but he isn't wearing a mask. Instead he's wearing a large bandage on his face to cover the hole. In his hands is a box of similar bandages. Guess if they're staying for a bit he'll need them around the others.

Should you mention the others wouldn't say anything? That this whole place was like Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, but for the misfits or the weird and disowned? You aren't really sure it's your place. And you aren't really sure you're comfortable with how comfortable you've gotten with Toby. You're probably crossing some boundary by over analyzing him so much. And he doesn't even know you're doing it.

Toby knocks you out of your head when he backs away and gives you space to exit the lodge.

“Get home safe.” it falls out of his mouth so easily.

You've noticed he has a habit of saying that...why? There you go over analyzing him, you need to stop. Shaking yourself from your thoughts this time you look at Toby with a smile.

“I will...I think you'll like it here.” when you're in your car you want to slam your head on the steering wheel but Toby is still watching. Why did you say that, you're so weird.

#ticci tobyx reader #ticci toby #ticcitoby #creepypasta fanfic #timothy wright x reader #timothy wright #timothy wright x brian thomas #brian thomas x reader #brian thomas #masky x you #masky

[tsukishimaenthusiast]

Daichi, asahi, akaashi, tsukishima when their crush ask them to teach them math bc they cant do it at all and get confused all the time so their crush need someone to teach them slowly and patiently?😂

daichi, asahi, akaashi, & tsukishima teaching their crush how to do math headcanons:

the WAYYYYY i got so carried away when i was writing for tsukishima PLEASE i am so whipped for him i could write a whole imagine for him based on this i cant bruh

daichi:

honestly, daichi has a lot on his plate but when you asked for help, he just couldn’t say no to you

he told you that he could help you on saturday afternoons

he rarely saw you out of uniform so when you arrived at his house and saw you in sweats and an oversized sweater, he couldn’t help but blush a little

so he first went over the topic you guys were learning in class, just to refresh your memory

you listened to his explanations and took more detailed notes than you would’ve in class

then, he gave you some practice problems and told you to do them

you were nervous cause he said he was gonna time you

10 mins had passed by

you got about 5/12 questions done when you put your pencil down and looked back at him

“i can’t finish them. i didn’t even fully answer the first two…”

“it’s okay, let see what you have done.”

they were all wrong LOL.. well except for the third one

“well at least you got this one right,” daichi said with an awkward chuckle

“that’s because it was a problem we went over in class.”

daichi: •-•

“okay..well.. let’s go over the lesson again. does that sound okay?”

you nodded

you ended up staying with him for another hour until you were finally able to answer more than half the questions right

before you left, you gave daichi a hug

“thank you so much, sawamura!!”

he blushed and scratched the back of his head

“no problem!” he replied back with a grin

asahi:

he only agreed to helping you with math cause he wanted to spend more time you

asahi was hesitant saying yes cause he knows he not the brightest when it comes to math either lol

he came to you during study periods during school hours

he was too nervous to be completely alone with you ah ha ha

when he settled down his books and all that, you began talking

“okay so i understand this, but i don’t know which formula to use for this kind of problem.”

asahi let out an internal sigh of relief because he KNEW this

he went over the formula with you

“okay y/n, now you try.”

“alright.”

you did about 7 problems, most of them were wrong

asahi starts getting nervous because he doesn’t know any other way to explain it

“uhm maybe we should ask a teacher..?” he suggests

you both visit your math teacher and on the next test, you and asahi passed with flying colors

akaashi:

akaashi was lowkey flattered that you asked him to tutor you a bit for math

he knew he wasn’t dumb, but he also knew that he wasn’t the smartest kid in class

“maybe it’s because they like you, akaashi!” yelled bokuto

“stop speaking nonsense, bokuto-san.”

n e ways, you invite akaashi over after school once

you already decided that changing out of your uniform would be more distracting since you’d be comfortable, so you kept it on

when you entered your house and took off your shoes, you didn’t put on any house slippers and just slid across the floor in your socks

akaashi thought this was very cute

you got him water and sat down to start reviewing

he went over the lesson and gave you some problems to work on

you were having trouble so he ended up doing each problem with you, step by step

when you started getting the hang of it, he watched you carefully as you worked

he noticed that you furrowed your brows when you concentrate

he caught himself smiling and shook his head as if trying to pull himself together lmao

it was time for akaashi to leave and you gave him some cookies for his travel back home

“thank you for helping me today, akaashi!”, you said cheerfully

he smiled at you, “no problem, y/n.”

tsukishima:

ah ha ha ,,. my smart boi

he hates tutoring ppl and only said yes bc he likes you

when hinata finds out, he gets so mad

“but me and kageyama had to practically BEG you to teach us!”

tsuki: “actually it’s kageyama and i.”

hinata starts rolling on the floor

“idiot, it’s because he likes y/n,” kageyama mentions

yamaguchi is like :o

“tsuki, you told them about your crush??”

“no… i didn’t. thank you for confirming it, though,” tsukishima replied flatly.

“sorry, tsuki!”

tsukishima says he’ll help you with your math during lunch

you sat next him as he opened up his notebook.

“i think you should copy my notes first, read them, and tell me what you don’t understand.”

you nod and starting copying his notes

you copied the notes really quickly and reread them multiple times

tsukishima noticed your eyes shift from the top of the page to the bottom at least 3 times

“okay. i read it. i don’t understand any of it.”

he stares at you blankly… “nothing??”

the look he gave you was kind of condescending and it made you feel bad.

“no… if you don’t want to teach me, i totally understand. i know it’s time consum-“

he cuts you off, “no, i’ll still teach you.. i said i would.”

your eyes lit up & he felt his heart clench at the sight

“really?! thank you, tsuki!”

tsukishima feels his heart beat accelerate

“tsuki?? where did she get that from? only yamaguchi calls me that,” he thought to himself

you didn’t have much time during lunch left

“y/n, can you come over sunday? i don’t have practice in the morning, only in the afternoon.”

“okay, yea i’ll come over. thanks again, tsuki!”

you got up and left with your notes in hand

“god, they’re so obnoxiously cute..”

time skip to sunday morning

you arrive at the tsukishima residency at 10am

tsuki opened the door for you and let you in.

you couldn’t help but notice another tall blond boy standing behind him, waving at you

you smiled at him.. must be his brother or something

“go up the stairs and it’s the first room on your left.”

you made your way up to his room

“soooo, kei. are they the one?”, akiteru asked, raising his eyebrows at tsukishima

“please stop.”

tsukishima made sure to give you a bunch of problems and thoroughly explained them to you whenever you were stumped

he walked you to your bus stop when you guys were finished

you saw the bus approaching

“thanks again, tsukishima.”

he gave you a slight nod

“oh, by the way. i like dinosaurs, too. the ones you had displayed were sooo cute!”

you got on the bus and although tsuki was good at hiding his emotions, you saw him blush as the bus began to drive away

#haikyuu #haikyuu boys #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #daichi headcanons #haikyuu daichi #daichi #daichi sawamura #daichi x reader #sawamura daichi #asahi headcanons #azumane asahi #haikyuu asahi #asahi x reader #asahi #akaashi keiji #akaashi #akaashi keiji x reader #akaashi x reader #akaashi haikyuu #akaashi headcanons #akaashi hcs #asahi haikyuu #haikyuu tsukki #haikyuu tsukishima #tsukishima kei #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima #kei tsukishima #tsukishima headcanons

[kairoscelrosis]

Ocean Eyes - A Leonard “Bones” McCoy x Reader Fic

Series: Star Trek TOS

Pairings: Leonard “Bones” McCoy x Reader, Implied Spirk

Characters: Reader, Leonard “Bones” McCoy, James T Kirk, Spock, Montgomery Scotty, Nyota Uhura

Trigger Warnings: No triggers apply. 

Word Count: 5,202 words

Author’s Note:

This is my first fic! It has a small amount of fluff, but its mainly full of a plot revolving around the two mentioned relationships. 

You can also find this fic on Wattpad. 

Summary:

Y/N is confused about her feelings for Dr. McCoy. When Spock and Kirk come to know, they devise a fantabulous plan to bring both of them together. 

I was lying down on my bed in a darkened room. Thoughts wandered, but always stopped on one thing. Rather, on one person. It’s weird. I had always liked him a lot – platonically, of course. This was different. “What the hell?”, I said out loud. But that didn’t help the storm raging in my mind. My alarm beeped. 1530 hours. “Damn.” I huffed, got changed, and left for the Bridge. My eight-hour shift was about to begin.

______________________________________________________________

On the bridge

“Captain.”, I said in a confident, but tired voice. “Lieutenant Y/L/N reporting for Beta Shift.”

“Yes, Lieutenant.” Kirk replied without looking towards me. “Please report to Mr. Spock for this shift’s agenda. You will be taking over from him for the Beta shift.”

I walked over to Mr. Spock’s science station. “Commander Spock. Lieutenant Y/L/N reporting.” His head bobbed in a small greeting.

Spock and I had known each other since my academy days when he was my professor for most subjects. He was my role model and mentor, and I wanted to follow in his footsteps. He was also my closest friend on the ship.

After briefing me with the progress he had made on the current star charting assignment and about his inferences on the nearby nebula, Spock walked over to Kirk, and whispered something. Kirk nodded and said, “Please continue with our research assignments. Mr. Sulu, you have the conn. I’ll be in my quarters.”

  ______________________________________________________________  

Spock’s POV

After filling in Y/N, I walked over to the Captain and quietly said, “Captain, I would like to speak with you.” He nodded, gave his usual orders, and both of us left the bridge for his quarters.

Once in the sanctuary of his quarters, the Captain turned to me, and asked, “What is it, Mr. Spock? You seem concerned.”

I replied in the affirmative, and said, “My concern is for Lieutenant Y/L/N, sir. She seems to be ‘out of her elements’, as would be expressed in Terran colloquial.”

The Captain offered a small, though rueful smile at this. “I agree with you Mr. Spock. She is not one of the outspoken ones, but she does seem a bit… subdued. Perhaps we should ask her what the problem is?”

“Perhaps. Though I have another suggestion sir. We are going to take a short shore leave on Star Base 12 in a few hours. Why not relieve Lieutenant Y/L/N early from her Beta shift so that she can recuperate and make the most out of this shore leave?”

“Yes Mr. Spock. An excellent idea. Anyhow, we take shore leaves only once in a blue moon, so why not allow her to rest a bit before going back out into the dark. I believe we will establish orbit around Star Base 12 by 1800 hours. I myself will relieve her at 1830 hours. Thank you for bringing this to my notice Mr. Spock.”

“My pleasure.”

______________________________________________________________

A few hours later…

Y/N’s POV

After several attempts to refuse an early shore leave and in complete denial of any need of this favour, I had finally beamed down onto Star Base 12.

Along with Scotty.

You might wonder why I was accompanied by the Chief Engineer. That was because of my resistance to go down. Kirk had asked Scotty to accompany me so that I did not sneak back onto the ship. I sighed inwardly.

Wanting to make the most of this time, I asked Scotty to come along with me to a street market. I loved the vibe of street markets – the dim lights, the muffled voices, walking around – it was the perfect ambience to relax.

“Hey Scotty! Come on!” I turned and called to Scotty, who was dragging his feet like a bored teenager. “Ach lass! I didn’t know that I’d have to babysit ya today. I wanted to go to the bar.” He moaned.

“Okay, okay, Lieutenant Commander Scott. Lieutenant Y/L/N will not hold you for long. Come, roam around with me for a while, and then we’ll both go to the bar.”

His face lit up like that of a child on Christmas morning. After that, there was a certain bounce in his step, not stalling anymore.

While scanning the stalls, I saw a small, wooden stringed instrument which piqued my interest. Picking it up gingerly, I held it in my hands. It felt right.

“Ah lass! What are ya doing with a ukulele?”

“You know the name of this instrument?” The shopkeeper asked, visibly surprised.

“Yes of course! My gran used to play this really well. She got it as an heirloom from her mother, who got it from her mother.”

I strummed the strings of the ukulele tentatively. A beautiful sound, though not very melodious, emerged.

“Can I buy this? It’s beautiful.”

The shopkeeper smiled, “You have really good taste. I can see you play this beautifully. That will be ten credits. If you want, I can teach this to you as well.” Her offer seemed genuine.

“Thank you so much!”

  ______________________________________________________________

At the bar

I let an evil grin emerge. Scotty had his head down. I had known his weakness, and now I had the chance to escape.

Well, escape is a strong word, but I had been forced to come down – so it was justified.

I had just drunk a glass of iced tea, not preferring to be hungover the next morning. I had never really liked drinking anyway.

As I was sneaking out of the bar, I saw HIM coming in. My heart immediately jumped into my mouth, beating like crazy. I hid behind the table where an employee was granting entry to the guests. He gave me a weird look but did nothing about me being there.

Once certain that HE was gone, I brushed my clothes, held my head high and started to walk towards the door, when I heard someone call me, and I froze.

“Y/N? Whatcha doin’ here? I thought ya didn’t drink.” The southern drawl rolling smoothly off his tongue.

“H-Hey Doc. Yeah, I don’t drink. I was just giving Scotty some company. I’m going back to my room now.”

“’Kay, great! Have a nice evening.” He sauntered away to where Scotty lay knocked out.

This was getting harder day by day.

______________________________________________________________

The next morning

I was back in my quarters on the Enterprise. Last night had been great, though I won’t admit this to anyone.

After encountering Bones at the bar, I had gone to the shopkeeper who had sold me the ukulele, and I sat there till late at night, learning the basics. I picked up the chords pretty quickly and was onto my first song by midnight. The street shops were open till 2 in the morning, and the shopkeeper seemed keen on teaching me, so I figured why not learn as much as I could.

She told me she had many copies (yes, actual paper copies!) of songs. She called them scores or sheet music. She gave me all the copies of scores she possessed, and I was so grateful!

Rand smuggled me back onto the ship by manning the transporter. She was going down in a while and didn’t mind disobeying Kirk.

The clock flashed 0800 hours as I was snapped out of my thoughts about the previous night. I wanted to utilize the rest of my shore leave efficiently. I got up, showered, and walked to the replicator. When nothing came out even after swiping the card multiple times, I let a sigh out and decided that I’d have to go to the mess.

I swaggered along the deserted decks and corridors of the ship, making no effort to conceal myself. Most people were down on the planet, including the two I wanted to avoid.

Walking into the mess, I ordered popcorn (weird choice, I know) and sat down. Spock, who had entered the mess just after me, slid into the seat opposite me, both of us falling into a comfortable silence. We often had our breakfast together. I was one of the people closest to Spock.

Putting down the Vulcan equivalent of an apple, Spock looked at me and asked, “How are you Y/N? You seemed extremely sombre yesterday. That is unlike you.”

The corner of my mouth lifted slightly at his concern. “I am fine.” I replied. “I guess the work got to me. Yesterday was a nice break.” So much for not telling anyone, I thought, amused. “I don’t think Kirk thought of relieving me early yesterday. Someone else was behind that move.” I gave a teasing grin. Spock’s eyes crinkled in a semblance of a grin.

Once done with our respective meals, I said, “Come to my quarters tonight, Spock. I’ll tell you about my evening and you can tell me about yours. Maybe I’ll even play you something. Bring your lyre as well. I wanna hear you play it.”

Spock bobbed his head, confirming that he’d be there.

  ______________________________________________________________

That evening

I heard knocking at the door. “Come in.” Spock walked in with his Vulcan lyre in hand. I gave him a smile.

Though my quarters were small, I had made enough space for us to sit comfortably, without invading each other’s space. He sat down on the straight backed, cushioned seat which he preferred, and I pulled my desk chair to sit on.

We talked about the events of last night, me reciting everything other than the event when I ran into the Doc (that incident was kept to myself for the time being). Spock told how he had done some work in the science lab, read a book, and practiced playing the lyre (though he didn’t need any).  

“You said that you were going to play for me?” It was more a request than a question. “Yeah.”, I replied. “I bought this old Terran stringed instrument called the ukulele yesterday, and the lady who sold it to me taught me how to read sheet music and also helped me play my first song. It’s “Ocean Eyes” by Billie Eilish from 2016. I’ve heard it before. You wanna hear it?”

Spock lifted his eyebrows in classic Spock fashion, essaying his agreement.

I rarely sang, but when I did, it was only in the privacy of my own quarters. Spock had heard me sing, though not very often.

I started strumming, trying to pick the beat from where I had to start the vocal.

I've been watchin' you for some time Can't stop starin' at those ocean eyes Burning cities and napalm skies Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes Your ocean eyes.

No fair You really know how to make me cry When you gimme those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen fro…

 I faltered. Spock nodded, his eyes intently watching, eyebrow perked. I could see something glint in his eyes but didn’t understand what it was. I resumed the strumming.

I've never fallen from quite this high                                                                Fallin' into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes.

I've been walkin' through a world gone blind Can't stop thinkin' of your diamond mind Careful creature made friends with time He left her lonely with a diamond mind And those ocean eyes.

No fair You really know how to make me cry When you gimme those ocean eyes I'm scared I've never fallen from quite this high Fallin' into your ocean eyes Those ocean eyes.

I had been nervous, not because it was my first time playing this song in front of somebody (because I knew Spock would never disregard the importance of beginning, and subsequently growing as a person), but because this song reminded me of a certain someone. If Spock connected the dots, I don’t know what his reaction would be, and whether he would tell McCoy or Jim.

There was silence for a moment. Spock opened his mouth to say something, but then, his communicator beeped. Flipping it open, he said, “Spock here.”

Kirk’s voice cracked through. “Mr. Spock. I request you to please report to my quarters. I have an urgent matter to discuss with you.”

Spock looked at me, that glint still there. I nodded my assent and picked up his lyre from my bed and handed it to him, as he stood from his chair to leave.

I mouthed, “See you later”, and then the door shut.

Lying down on my bed, I decided that it would be best to go to sleep.

But sleep just wouldn’t come.

______________________________________________________________

Spock’s POV

I had had a nice evening with Y/N, though the lyrics of her song still perplexed me. I was reminded of someone by those lyrics, but I can’t seem to determine whom. My brain was “short-circuiting”, as Jim would say, but I was not able to put a finger on who the song pointed to. I had known Y/N long enough to know that this wasn’t just “nothing”, though that’s what she wanted me to believe.

I didn’t know what to make of Jim’s call either. He had planned to stay ashore for at least 12 more hours, but he now was aboard the ship. Though Jim’s words had been authoritative, his tone was friendly and indicated that this had nothing to do with the ship.

I knocked on the door of Jim’s quarters, and heard a small “Come in”. When I walked in, Jim was seated at his desk, his hands intertwined into a tent. “A ‘deep in thought’ position” I thought.

“Jim. Is something troubling you?” Jim looked up and gestured me to sit down. I complied. “No Spock, nothing is troubling me. It’s just, I think I know now why Y/N has been so quiet.”

I gave him a quizzical look.

“Spock, I believe you were with Y/N when I called you?” I nodded. I couldn’t understand where this was going.

“What were you doing?” One of my eyebrows lifted in confusion. Why was Jim asking that?

“Jim, I don’t think you should ask that. I think, on Earth, this is called snooping. Though you are a good friend of Y/N’s, it is my moral responsibility not to tell you anything about what she told or did in confidence.”

Jim’s eyes expressed the same warmth as his smile when I said that. “True gentleman you are, Mr. Spock. Okay, I’ll tell you why I asked that question.” My eyebrows perched higher, indicating my interest.

“I was going to Y/N’s chamber to admonish her for not following her Captain’s orders.”

My expression moved from interested to inquiring.

“I had ordered Y/N to stay on the planet for the entirety of the shore leave. However, when I went to her room at the lodging, she wasn’t there. She had told McCoy that she would be in her room. I knew where she would be – in her quarters, aboard the Enterprise. I walked to her quarters, mock-fuming, and was about to knock, when I heard her start singing.”

I opened my mouth to rebuke Jim for eavesdropping, when he interrupted, “I know Spock, but I had no intention to eavesdrop. I was just drawn to her voice and that song. I love that song.”

“Ocean Eyes by Billie Eilish?”

“Yeah, that one. I was surprised that you didn’t hear me standing outside, what with your enhanced hearing.”

I paused for a moment before I spoke, staring past Jim’s shoulder, my eyes resting on his laurels. “I had been thinking about something.”

______________________________________________________________

Jim’s POV

Spock had apparently zoned out. That was a first.

“I think I can guess what you were thinking about.”

Spock’s eyebrows flew up. “Do you?” he enquired.

“Yes Spock, I think I do. And I think you do too, now. You have arrived at a conclusion, and I would like you to share it with me.”

Spock seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then turned to face me. “I think this has something to do with Dr. McCoy.” My smile turned into a grin. Spock was REALLY smart with this stuff for a person who swore by logic. Spock took this as a confirmation that he was correct.

“I assume I am correct. However, I do not fully understand.”, he remarked.

“My dear Spock, I was surprised that you inferred this much.” If Spock’s brows could go higher, they would have. “It is my hypothesis that Y/N likes Dr. McCoy, but she is in denial.” Spock’s face expressed a mixture of distaste and bewilderment. I chuckled.

“I have known Y/N since our academy days. She is slightly younger than me, but she was always a prodigy. Always top of the class. Not just with marks or grades, but with her work ethic as well. She has never been in a relationship; she never felt the need to be in one. Now, she reminds me a lot of someone I know. Maybe that’s why both of them are such good friends.” I looked at Spock. His face radiated a hint of pride.

I continued. “And now, she is faced by this overwhelming feeling, one I doubt she ever felt before. And she is uncertain, how to act on this feeling, or whether to act at all.”

Realization dawned on Spock’s visage. Then, it was replaced by dubiousness and even a hint of distaste. “But why Dr. McCoy?” he asked. I let out a hearty laugh. Everyone knew of the friendly banter between him and McCoy.

“No Jim, I am serious. I care for Y/N deeply, though not in a romantic sense. If the doctor did anything to hurt her, I would disapprove.”

By “disapprove” I knew Spock would go on a killing spree. And the first would be Bones. I grinned inwardly. This was starting to get interesting, and I now had a chance to tease Spock.

“Isn’t disapproval a human emotion?” I tried (and failed) to keep the smirk off my face.

Spock looked at me dead in the eyes. My stomach suddenly became a bottomless pit. With an intense gaze, he whispered, “Yes.”

______________________________________________________________

Bones’ POV

I was on my way to the Transporter Room when Uhura said that she had a message from Joanna. Her messages really made my day. I asked her to transfer the message to the intercom in the Transporter Room.

I walked into the transporter room, which seemed to be deserted. “Never mind”, I thought. I would have preferred to listen to the message alone, so I didn’t mind. I switched on the intercom and confirmed that I had reached the Transporter Room.

Immediately, Joanna’s message started playing.

“Hey Papa!”, her sweet voice chirped. I smiled. “I was a few light years away from Earth, so decided that why not spend my holiday on our home planet. I went to Georgia and checked on our house and the farm. Everything is in place. I am off to India to spend a week or two. I have a month before I join the Farragut as their nurse trainee. I am really excited! Tell me if the Enterprise’s schedule matches with the Farragut’s, so that we can meet soon. Love you and meet you soon!”

“Wow”, I breathed. “What an exciting young lady.” I thanked Uhura, and then typed up my message on my PADD and sent it to her. I still like sending her emails, though they were considered ancient. “Hmm.” I hummed. “Forever the sensualist.”

______________________________________________________________  

Later that evening

I was trying to find the bar where Scotty had asked me to join him, when I caught a glimpse of Y/N coming out of a bar. I had heard that she had been accompanied by Scotty onto the surface, so I started walking towards her. I heard some laughter and turned to look in the direction of the commotion. Seeing nothing of significance, I faced again towards my destination, searching for Y/N, but she had disappeared. “Weird”, I mumbled.

I stepped into the foyer and was about to enter the bar when I turned around, wondering where Y/N had gone. And there she was! I called out her name and made small talk. Then we both went our separate ways.

I spotted Scotty and hurried towards his seat. “Got started without me, huh?”, I teased. Scotty, who had had is head down, lifted it and slurred, “Why are yer cheeks red, eh McCoy? Had a swig on the ship, huh?” I knitted my eyebrows together. I hadn’t been drinking. I dismissed it to be the cold.

______________________________________________________________

A few hours later

A blinding light flashed in my eyes. “Who’s it? What’re you doin’?” I caught a glimpse of a blue shirt. It reminded me of someone.

“Y/N?”

“Bones why do you have to drink so much? You always get hungover and start hallucinating. Then I have to take care of you. Dammit, I’m a Starship captain, not a doctor.”

“Ah Jimmy boy. Take me home now, will ya?”

______________________________________________________________

The next morning

I woke up with a splitting headache. When I opened my eyes and looked around that I realized I was not in my quarters. Hell, I wasn’t even on the Enterprise.

“Shit.” I cursed softly.

“Finally, you are up, huh? I really think you could’ve given Sleeping Beauty a run for the money.”

I huffed. I knew that voice well. Maybe too well. And I knew what that meant. “I’m sorry Jim. Just got flown away with the drinking last night. I don’t even remember you picking me up.”

“I think we should stop booking an extra room for you. You always end up crashing in mine during shore leaves.”, Jim remarked sarcastically, getting up from the reading chair and putting down his PADD.

“Drink this. You’ll feel better.” He handed me a glass of lemonade.

“What, you’re gonna use my own hacks against me?”

“Shut up and drink it.”

I accepted the glass and started taking sips from it.

“You know, you said something last night which made me think a lot.”

“Well, that’s new.” I remarked with a smirk.

Jim feigned annoyance, then continued. “You know, when I came to pick you up last night, I was wearing a blue shirt.”

“Mh-hm”

“And when you saw me, you said, ‘Y/N?’. Were you expecting her or something?”

“Hmm. I don’t remember saying that actually. Maybe that was because I saw her last night before going into the bar. She was hiding from somebody, I guess. And I was surprised to even see her at a bar – she doesn’t drink, you know.”

Jim nodded. “Do you know where she went?”

“She said she was going to her room.” I said, matter-of-factly.

“’Kay.”

______________________________________________________________

That evening

Jim had left for the Enterprise – he had some work onboard. I decided that I’d roam around the markets for a while. I never was a fan of shopping, but Christine always asked me to take small memorabilia from each planet I visited for Joanna. She seemed to like it – so I didn’t mind too much.

Hands tucked behind my back, I strolled through the stalls. I came across a shop selling ancient art prints. There were abstract paintings, movie poster recreations and the like. I picked up a print of warm toned abstract art and a recreation of the Titanic poster for Joanna. Suddenly, a small necklace and bracelet caught my eye. It didn’t seem to have any lustre, but it had an aura that I was drawn to. Entranced, I asked what it was.

“It is Vokaya – a rare Vulcan jewel.” The shopkeeper said. He was Vulcan as well. So much for being in a green-hobgoblin-free zone. But really, I was mesmerised by this ornament, and ended up buying it.

Walking back to my room, I huffed. I had never been an impulsive buyer. Thinking about the peculiar feeling that had filled me, I walked down the corridor and entered my room.

And collided with someone standing straight like a rod.

I groaned. I knew who this was.

______________________________________________________________

Y/N’s POV

The next morning

I finally got out of my bed – I had barely gotten any sleep. I kept tossing and turning, thinking about my encounter with Bones last night and Spock’s reaction to me singing that song. He must have figured it out by now.

“Well – how bad can the situation get?” I murmured.

Before I could go into the washroom to get ready for the day, I heard a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

In stormed Jim Kirk – his expression unreadable.

“Captain? What happened? Is everything alright?”

“Jim, please; I’m off duty.” Sitting down on the chair where Spock had sat last night, he said, “Calm down Y/N. Nothing’s wrong. Can’t a friend come to talk to another friend when everyone else is on shore leave?” He flashed that “I am charming” smile. I rolled my eyes.

“Sit down Jim. Let me get dressed. Then we can have breakfast together in the mess.”

Jim shook his head. “I think we should eat in my quarters.”

That was new. Why did Jim want to have breakfast alone? “Okay…” I said, sounding hesitant.

Jim gave me a smile, a genuine one. “Don’t worry, Y/N. Really. It’s nothing.”

Knowing Jim for so many years had made one thing clear:

When he said, “It’s nothing.”, there really WAS something.

______________________________________________________________

Jim’s POV

When I entered Y/N’s quarters, she looked a mess. She had always been an extremely graceful and likeable person – after all, we both were nerds. But today, there was something off. She had eyebags beneath her eyes, and her tired demeanour indicated that she hadn’t gotten much sleep.

But I could not bail out on Spock’s plan. So, it would have to do.

Spock had come up with something which was very unlike Spock – but the man never failed to surprise me. We had done what we had to do with McCoy. It hadn’t been easy, because he would not sleep at night, and kept protesting when he woke up. But we had managed.

He was in his quarters, unaware what was happening. We had brought him aboard forcefully. He won’t sit there for long. We had to hurry.

“Hey, Jim. Let’s go.”

I snapped my head in the direction of the voice.

“After you”

As the door slid open, a small voice came through.

“I am sorry Y/N.”

And then, Y/N slumped unconscious.

______________________________________________________________

A few hours later

Bones POV

Spock and Jim had been acting weird. Like, they have always been slightly off their hooks, but today, there was an air of urgency about them.

That is extremely discomforting with Spock, because usually he is the patient one preventing Jim from running around like a headless chicken.

I was pacing around my quarters. I had been asked to stay inside until called. “Captain’s orders.”, Jim had said.

I huffed. Did he really think I was going to listen to him? It had been a while since they had left, and I decided to get some work done.

Before I could decide what was the agenda for today, my intercom whistled. “McCoy here.”

“Uhura here.” Her voice was strained. “Doctor, please hurry to the Bridge. There is an emergency. Y/N has fainted.” Cursing under my breath, I picked up my medical kit and rushed out of the door.

The doors of the turbolift slid open and I walked out, worried what had happened. I looked around but there was no one. Perplexed, I scanned the bridge for any signs of hastened evacuation. My eyes landed on a head poking from the Captain’s chair.

I walked to the chair and turned it around. Y/N was slumped unconscious in it. I took her pulse, but it was really faint. I took out a hypo and filled it with cordrazine. This was risky material, but it would wake Y/N up for sure. The hypo hissed as it pressed it into her forearm, and she stirred.

______________________________________________________________

Y/N’s POV

My head was throbbing. My eyes fluttered, but they won’t open. “Too bright”, I mumbled. Someone standing next to me said, “Computer, dim the lights.” The voice mumbled something, then stopped. My eyes opened, and then focussed on the person kneeling beside me. “Doctor?” I said, voice cracking.

“Yeah Y/N. What happened? Why did you faint? Why are you sitting in the Captain’s chair? Do you remember anything?”

I looked around, a bewildered look covering my face. I didn’t remember coming to the bridge. “I don’t know Doc… I don’t even remember coming to the bridge…” McCoy got up quickly and started examining me with his tricorder.

“No signs of mental trauma. Are you sure you don’t remember coming here?” I nodded. Looking around, I now noticed that the lighting was pinkish. “Hey Doc… why is the lighting here pink?” I failed to keep the smile off my face.

He chuckled. “I don’t know. When you woke up, I ordered the computer to dim the lights. It did, but the lights also became pink.”

Suddenly, it hit me. “Oh my God. I just remembered. This has something to do with Jim. And Spock. Jim had come to my quarters to invite me for breakfast. When I was about to walk out, somebody said, ‘I am sorry Y/N.’, and then I fainted.”

McCoy’s eyes had grown wide. He seemed angry. “Come on. Let’s find the two devils.”

I tried getting up but stumbled. McCoy held my forearm and held me up. Then he stopped. “Y/N. There’s a piece of paper stuck to your back.” Confused, I asked him to remove it. “It won’t come off.”

“What does it say?”

“Um… It says, ‘I’ve been watching you for some time; Can’t stop staring at those ocean eyes.’”

I froze. I turned around to face McCoy and opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

I couldn’t decipher the expression on his face, but I could see the gears turning in his mind. Would he be angry? Or upset? I half expected him to just shrug and walk away, when surprisingly he held my hand and kissed it.

I tilted my head like a confused squirrel, giving him a look of *almost* disbelief.

He chuckled, “Yeah I get it now. But before we get all sweet, I really wanna hunt down both the red-blooded and the green-blooded devils. They are not going to get away with this.”

I looked into his eyes, for the first time today.

And I felt myself sinking deep into the ocean of his eyes.

______________________________________________________________

Epilogue

Spock’s POV

We had watched the events on the bridge as they took place trough the security cameras. By we, I mean Jim, I and Uhura.

Uhura was laughing so hard that she was on the verge of choking. Jim was bursting with laughter and happiness, his cheeks red. The sight made me want to smile broadly.

“Oh my God Spock, you really are a genius. This was the cleverest shipping of two people ever!”

I tilted my head, asking him what “shipping” meant.

“Never mind. Let’s go now. Otherwise, Bones will hypo the lives out of us. And Y/N adding to the party is not going to be beneficial.”

He gripped my hand and lead the way, running through the corridors of our beloved ship.

And I didn’t mind being by his side one bit.

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