#gavin de becker

[thehmn]

My friend gifted me The Gift of Fear book for my birthday. It’s a very interesting read that helps you recognize danger signals from other people but the author Gavin De Becker actually helped me manage my anxiety just from a short video somewhere where he explains the difference between fear/suspicion and anxiety/worry.

Very simply put fear/suspicion is a reaction to something in your environment while anxiety/worry is a response to something you imagine or remember either because it happened to you in the past or because you read about it somewhere.

So fear is if you walk into a room and there’s a man acting weird, and anxiety is if you walk into an empty room but get scared because maybe a man acting weird might show up.

There are of course nuances to that. Like, there might be frail old man just reading a newspaper but you get scared because you’re scared of all men, that’s anxiety, or you might know you have a stalker and then it makes sense to not want to be alone in a room with no escape, or you get scared when walking alone because you know it’s a dangerous area, but in both cases the rule still stands; fear is a response, anxiety is a memory/imagination.

De Becker also points out that it’s perfectly reasonable to be suspicious even if it turns out to be nothing. To give a personal example, I used to clean at an office that was in a nook of a lager building with other businesses. It was a busy area but it made no sense for anyone to be in the nook unless they had business with that specific office. One day a man was standing in the nook when I showed up, not doing anything. He didn’t look at me or his phone. He was just standing but at a distance that wasn’t immediately threatening to me. As cleaners we’re taught that if someone wants to break into the place where we clean there’s a chance they might consider our coming and going the optimal time. As soon as we turn off the alarm they might push their way in and though we aren’t the focus we might get hurt. I kept an eye on the guy in the reflection of the glass door while I unlocked it but he never looked at me. After that he showed up regularly but was always gone when I came back outside and I started to suspect that he might be learning my schedule so after entering the office I watched him thought the curtains to see what he did. He stood there for a few minutes when another person suddenly walked towards him, their hands touched for a second and then they both walked off in different directions. A drug deal. So I was right to think something shady was going on, it just had nothing to do with me.

In another case where my fear saved me I was walking my dog at 1 AM. I live in a very safe area so I’ve never been afraid to be out after dark (I never left my apartment after dark while I lived in a bad neighborhood in Leeds). I noticed a parked car on the road but didn’t think much of it because it was parked near a spot where I often meet a middle aged woman who waits to be picked up for her nightshift so I assumed her ride was just early tonight. Suddenly a young man burst out though the hedge surrounding a house, ran to the car, ripped the door open and that’s when he noticed me. He looked at me for a second then jumped into the car. The lights inside the car turned on and I saw another guy in the driver’s seat. They talked and both turned towards me just as the light turned off, then they sped down the street, into a small private parking lot, turned around and finally parked the car across the sidewalk, meaning that when I reached them I’d have to walk out onto the road to pass them. My dog hadn’t noticed anything weird and was busy sniffing the ground. I let him sniff which meant we moved at an exceptionally slow pace and the car never moved and my fear just grew and grew and I got the very strong sense that I shouldn’t get anywhere near that car. I took a split second decision and suddenly crossed the road to a grassy area between houses where a car couldn’t go. As soon as I did the car sped towards me but I was already well away from the street. The car slowed down to a crawl when it reached me and I saw the guys faces in the light from a street lamp. They looked worried. Then they sped up and I could hear them drive away at an insanely high speed. I kept an eye out for news about a crime in the area but saw nothing.

At the time I couldn’t have told you exactly what scared me. I’ve seen many young men run from their garden to their friends waiting in a car, look at me and drive away, and I’ve seen many people parked across the sidewalk because they were lost and were looking at Google maps. But looking back the first thing that I noticed was the way he looked at me before getting into the car. It was a split second too long, like he wasn’t just noticing me but thinking. It was of course also weird that they both looked at me in the car but the thing that really scared me was when they parked and there were no lights in the car. Why didn’t they look at their phones to open Google maps or find a text with directions? Why were they just sitting in darkness?

So Gavin De Becker as taught me to listen to my fear but also realize when I’m just being anxious. When I feel fear I’ll ask myself “What are you afraid of?” and if the answer is a memory or my imagination it helps to calm me down but if I can say “That man/sound/lack of sound/something specific” I know to be on guard even if I’m not sure why it’s scaring me yet. And that means I’ve also learned to trust myself a lot more. Thinking back I realize that I’ve always been right when I was afraid or suspicious of something/someone specific even if it turned out not to be a danger to me. I still knew something shady was going on and I was right to keep my distance because as De Becker says, it’s better to listen to your fear than ignore it because it’s better to be wrong and safe.

And of course this doesn’t mean that if you have bad anxiety or PTSD you should just stop treatment and let fear rule your life. Like I said, there’s more nuance to it than I can explain here, but I wanted to share because I’m amazed how much it has helped me. At first I just noticed I was a lot less anxious in general and it took some time before I realized it happened after watching a random talk from him on YouTube. That’s why I wanted to share this in case it might help others to be less anxious but also trust themselves more.

#humontalks #long post #the gift of fear #gavin de becker #anxiety

[justabunchofquotesfromallover]

"The great enemy of perception, and thus of accurate predictions, is judgment. People often learn just enough about something to judge it as belonging in this or that category. They observe bizarre conduct and say, "This guy is just crazy." Judgments are the automatic pigeon-holing of a person or situation simply because some characteristic is familiar to the observer (so whatever that characteristic meant before it must mean again now). Familiarity is comfortable, but such judgments drop the curtain, effectively preventing the observer from seeing the rest of the play."

--Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear"

#quotes #the gift of fear #gavin de becker #psychology #tw: ableist language #book quotes

[wordsthatmattered]

I have a message for women who feel forced to defend their safety concerns: tell mister I-Know-Everything-About-Danger that he has nothing to contribute to the topic of your personal security. Tell him that your survival instinct is a gift from nature that knows a lot more about your safety than he does. And tell him that nature does not require his approval.

- The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker

#the gift of fear #gavin de becker #book quote #self defense #quote #reading #wordsthatmattered #strength

[fivestarhuman]

Fear will come and get me if there’s a reason. -Gavin De Becker

#Gavin De Becker #the gift of fear

[darkerrpmemes]

Predators have a pattern

The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence was written by Gavin de Becker to help people trust their gut instinct and avoid potentially dangerous situations, by learning to recognize various behaviours/events that serve as common precursors to violence. These are called PINS - Pre-Incident Indicators.

By recognising warning signs such as PINS, individuals can better identify dangerous people before something bad happens and take the necessary precautions/actions to stay safe. 

There are several types of PINs to watch out for, namely:

Forced Teaming

This is when a person implies that they have something in common with their chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn't really true. Speaking in "we" terms is a mark of this, i.e. "We don't need to talk outside... Let's go in." The goal is to establish a false sense of rapport and make their victim lower their guard.

If someone keeps using collective terms like "we" and "us", implying you are a "team" when you don't know them well/have just met, ask yourself:

Why is it so important to this person that I feel obliged to do something together with them right now, when what I was doing originally didn't involve them (ie, bringing shopping upstairs to my apartment)

How much do I actually know about this person and their intentions for choosing to attach themselves to me in this situation? (ie, are they hoping to get me alone?)

Charm and Niceness

This is being polite and friendly to a chosen victim in order to manipulate him or her by disarming their mistrust.

If someone you don't know well/just met is being charming and nice to you, especially if they are combining this with the Forced Teaming tactic, ask yourself:

Why are they so keen to quickly establish a rapport with me and make me like them?

Are they looking for me to do something for them (ie go somewhere with them, let them into an apartment building they "forgot" their key to, lend them my phone to "make a phone call", give them personal information about myself that could allow them to find out where I live/work later, give them money) now that I am "on the hook" AKA engaged in a friendly conversation with them?

How do I think they would react to me politely trying to disengage/declining to do whatever they've asked of me?

Charm and niceness in predators is superficial; they don't tend to keep up the act once they are told no, and they tend to challenge your boundaries instead of respecting them.

Too many details

If a person is lying, they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible to their chosen victim.

A person who's genuinely locked themselves out of their apartment building by accident will most likely just say, "Hey, I just nipped out for something and I forgot my key like an idiot, could you let me into the building please?"

Someone who's focused on selling their lie, however, would probably weave a whole cover story to explain away their actions, like, "Hi, I just moved in here and I was running out to grab some meds for my sick partner but I left my key in my jacket upstairs - I normally always wear that jacket, but now of course it's really warm, so I didn’t grab it, and I guess this is a lesson in not keeping my keys in my jacket pocket, haha. Could you let me in? I don’t wanna have to call my partner to come all the way down to buzz me in, because she's not supposed to be exerting herself while she recovers, so help me out here?"

Ask yourself:

Why did they tell me so much information I didn’t ask for and didn't need to know?

Did the person's behaviour seem suspicious to me before they provided this very detailed cover story?

Why would a credible person feel the need to justify their actions to me and overcompensate to convince me of their credibility before I've even called it into question?

Typecasting

An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult. For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me."

The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult untrue.

Ask yourself:

Are they insulting me now just because I wouldn't do what they wanted?

Does proving their negative assertion wrong involve me doing what they wanted, in spìte of my own discomfort and gut instinct that told me not to do it in the first place?

Why should I care about this person's opinion of me?

Loan Sharking

Giving unsolicited help to the chosen victim and anticipating they'll feel obliged to extend some reciprocal openness in return.

Ask yourself:

Why is this person offering to help me right now?

Did I actually want or need their help, or have they just swooped in without being asked?

Does accepting their help feel like it comes at a price, or am I going to feel indebted to them for this?

The Unsolicited Promise

A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken.

The unsolicited promise is a predator's subconscious projection. Ironically, in their effort to lull you into a false sense of security and make you believe that a specific bad thing won't happen to you, they are giving themselves away - because the fact that such a thing has occurred to them before you ever raised concerns about it, indicates that it was on their mind and likely their intention all along.

For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave you alone after this," usually means you will not be left alone afterwards.

Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually means the person intends to hurt you.

Ask yourself:

Why did that person feel the need to promise something I never asked about?

Discounting the Word "No"

Any reasonable, respectful person will back off when you tell them no. They might go away thinking you are rude and strange if they don't understand why you're setting a boundary, but they will back off. A predator will not accept rejection.

A predator will push your boundary, test how serious you are, and try to coerce you into changing your answer even after you have given them multiple clear rejections. They may try to charm you, or turn the subject into a debate where they can wear down your resolve. They may turn angry and threatening. They may try to guilt trip you, or use typecasting to make you want to prove them wrong. They may even cycle through more than one of these tactics - whatever they think will work.

Any person who is unwilling to respect boundaries and refuses to take no for an answer, regardless of the situation, is not a safe person for you to be around.

#gift of fear #gavin de becker #not rp memes #but still important information for recognising predators in the rp community (and in everyday life) #(also can be used as a resource for writing predatory/villainous characters i guess if you like to research how they operate/think) #¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ #stay safe out there lovelies #listen to your gut

[lemondeabicyclette]

2020 a vu un pic de décès en Amérique, plus petit que vous ne pourriez l'imaginer pendant une pandémie, dont certains pourraient être attribués au COVID et à des stratégies de traitement initiales qui n'étaient pas efficaces.

Mais ensuite, en 2021, les statistiques auxquelles les gens s'attendaient ont déraillé. Le PDG de la compagnie d'assurance OneAmerica a révélé publiquement qu'au cours des troisième et quatrième trimestres de 2021, le nombre de décès chez les personnes en âge de travailler (18-64 ans) était 40 % plus élevé qu'avant la pandémie.

De manière significative, la majorité des décès n'ont pas été attribués au COVID.

Une augmentation de 40 % du nombre de décès est littéralement bouleversante. Même une augmentation de 10 % des décès excessifs aurait été un événement sur 200 ans. Mais c'était 40 pour cent. Amazon

#big pharma #big pharma est toujours en bonne santé #covid&corruption #covid de sens #big pharmla #covid au cerveau #edward dowd #rfk #gavin de becker

[antedelaureans]

“Since fear is so central to our experience, understanding when it is a gift—and when it is a curse—is well worth the effort.”

- Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear

#the gift of fear #Gavin de Becker

[girlzoot]

Just think about how we live: We are searched for weapons before boarding a plane, visiting city hall, seeing a television show taping, or attending a speech by the president. Our government buildings are surrounded by barricades, and we wrestle through so-called tamper-proof packaging to get a couple aspirin. All of this was triggered by the deeds of fewer than ten dangerous men who got our attention by frightening us. What other quorum in American history, save those who wrote our constitution, could claim as much impact on our day-to-day lives? ---Gavin De Becker/The Gift of Fear(1997)

#gavin de becker #the gift of fear #reactionary

[dipnotski]

Gavin de Becker – Büyük Armağan: Korku (2024)

“Sokaklarda yürünmez oldu, kimselere güvenilmez oldu” diyenler, sokaklar kadar ev ve işin de bir şiddet membaı olabileceğini bilenler muhtemelen Amerika’nın önde gelen güvenlik uzmanlarından birinin tavsiyelerine kulak vermek isteyecektir. ABD başkanları dahil olmak üzere sayısız önemli kişiliğe danışmanlık yapmış olan Gavin de Becker’a göre korku ortadan kaldırılması gereken bir öcü değil,…

View On WordPress

#2024 #Büyük Armağan: Korku #Duygu Bolut Müftüoğlu #Gavin de Becker #Okuyanus Yayınları #Şiddet ve Zorbalıktan Sakınmanızı Sağlayacak Sinyalleri Görebilmek

[varricscrossbowbianca]

watched a video of penn badgley talking about his character ‘joe goldberg’ and how wrong it is to romanticize his character and one of the comments was a quote:

“There’s a lesson in real-life stalking cases that young women can benefit from learning: persistence only proves persistence—it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special—it means he is troubled.” - Gavin De Becker

#reminder #quote #. ( i dunno anything about gavin de becker btw) #. i just liked the quote #. and it just makes sense

[kunselxsoldier]

tag nine people you'd like to know better

I. favourite colours: red, always been my favourite.

II. favourite flavours: Loving asian dishes at the moment; teriyaki stir-fry, ramen, gyoza, chili-oil noodles.

III. favourite genres: Action and fantasy mostly. I'm such a wimp, I'm useless when it comes to horror.

IV. favourite music: At the moment, I'm OBSESSED with Epic: The Ocean Saga. It's a concept musical by Jorge Rivera-Herrans based on the Odyssey and tells Odysseus' journey from Troy and his attempts to get back home. The previous albums are the Troy Saga and the Cyclops Saga and they are amazing!!!! If you have a moment, definitely give them a listen.

V. favourite movies: I adore the original Beauty and the Beast, my all-time favourite movie. But I also really love Pretty Woman, as cliché as that sounds.

VI. favourite series: Oh, it changes depending on what's new at the moment and what I can binge. Yellowstone, Supernatural, The Boys, the new Percy Jackson at the moment is really hitting a vibe. Also adore The Sandman and House of the Dragon. The Last of Us goes without saying too.

VII. last song: Ruthlessness from Epic: The Ocean Saga. Seriously obsessed with this track and Steven Rodriguez who voices Poseidon.

VIII. last series: Percy Jackson and The Olympians on Disney+. (definitely helps that Toby Stephens is cast as Poseidon.)

IX. last movie: The last film I watched was Forrest Gump on New Year's Even, because I quite like the movie and my mam and sis had never actually seen it.

X. currently reading: The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. An interesting and deep look into the signs our body gives us when we're in danger and how to recognise them and learn to trust them.

XI. currently watching: At the moment, I'm not watching anything, just binging Frontiers of Pandora on my PS5.

XII. currently working on: I'm still very slowly working on a fanfiction I've been writing since I was 17 in the YuGiOh fandom called Paper Roses. I didn't update for 4 years, but then finally got my arse into gear and back into writing. It's been rewritten over the years, but I'm doing a final overall rewrite of old chapters and slowly working on a new one for all the lovely readers who have stuck by me for so many years.

tagged by: @holyguardian tagging: @loqis @ceaselxss @denzelxstrife @fairfallcn @littlexsisterxulric @lightrookie @wingsandsteel

#this was fun to do!!

[fierysword]

If I told of all the women killed in America this year by a husband or boyfriend, the book you are holding would be four thousand pages long—and the stories would be stunningly similar. Only the names and a few details would change... Spousal homicide is the single most predictable serious crime in America.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

#the gift of fear #domestic violence

[justabunchofquotesfromallover]

"Distinguished psychiatrist Karl Menninger has said, 'I don't believe in such a thing as the criminal mind. Everyone's mind is criminal; we're all capable of criminal fantasies and thoughts.' Two of history's great minds went even further. In an extraordinary correspondence, Albert Einstein and Sigmund Freud explored the topic of human violence. Einstein's letter concluded that 'man has in him the need to hate and destroy.' In his reply, Freud agreed 'unreservedly,' adding that human instincts could be divided into two categories: 'those which seek to preserve and unite, and those which seek to destroy and kill.' He wrote that the phenomenon of life evolves from their 'acting together and against each other.'"

--Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear"

#quotes #the gift of fear #freud #einstein #karl menninger #gavin de becker #psychology

[wordsthatmattered]

"We have a Department of Justice, but it would be more appropriate to have a Department of Violence Prevention, because that's what we need and that's what we care about. Justice is swell, but safety is survival."

-The Gift of Fear

#The Gift of Fear #gavin de becker #quote #book #quotes #novel #words that matter #books #wordsthatmatter #reading #wordsthatmattered #queue #fear #survival

[fivestarhuman]

If you want something to stop bothering you, bring attention to it. -Gavin De Becker

#Gavin De Becker #clarity #freedom #healing

[skippyv20]

ILBW Gets Her Pap Photos No Matter What!

Hi Skippy & Friends-Pilgrim here trying not to barf up my coffee as I peruse the latest images of the notorious narc/grifter making belive she is rich and famous. The white car with P/S on the side stands for a new service called Private Suite at LAX or PS, which also offers annual memberships. This paid for service starts at the airport and does not include the price of airfare.

According to an article from Sunset magazine this past May, 2023, the author, Krista Simmons says, “You arrive to a private gated entrance just outside the LAX main airport, and immediately are shuffled off to what’s the most bespoke, white-glove treatment you’ll ever receive at an airport. The first thing you’ll notice upon arrival at the main salon area is the design. The space looks more like a luxe hotel lobby than an airport lounge, with brass Art Deco fixtures, cozy azure velvet couches, and a mirrored bar adorned with mid-century modern stools. If you really want some privacy, you can splurge on a private suite, which offers panoramic views of the tarmac, allowing you to watch the planes gracefully take off from a vantage point like no other.” It is owned and operated by Gavin de Becker & Associates, a security and consulting firm known for protecting the most prominent families in the world. They transformed a cargo building on the far side of the runways into a remote terminal.

The article continues in rapture of the special treatment that costs $995.00+/- per person. “The real showstopper, though, was the trip from the lounge to the aircraft. The concierge shuffles you from the salon across the way to your private TSA screening. To me, bypassing the hellscape that is TSA is almost worth the price of admission alone. I was the only traveler being screened, and there’s even a fridge full of liquid refreshments for you to take with you once you pass through. Then, you’re bundled into a luxury vehicle on the actual tarmac, passing by international Airbuses. For me, it was absolutely mesmerizing getting to drive by all the planes before takeoff, seeing them from a totally different angle than I’ve ever experienced before. After a lifetime of travel, I’ve never had such a magical, memorable pre-flight experience, and hope to be able to justify another trip with PS soon.”

This whole service is so the super-rich can AVOID the paps inside the airport…but not the ILBW!!! Wearing Mules for the bunions, looking scrawny and desperate, she gets her media fix showing off her assortment of brand label items as if she is flying private. Let the games begin…Over and out for now…PS I loved the Sandwich Police car photo!

Thank you so much Pilgrim…great info….she makes me sick!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️