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libraford · 2 years

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Obviously, I have opinions about the word 'queer.' There's historical precedence for the broad usage of this word and there are multiple posts about those contexts.

But that's only some of the reason that I choose this word to describe myself.

You know... growing up in Indiana in the 90s I didn't get exposed to the community. There was some ruckus about it at church a few times, the AIDS epidemic was background noise, and we had one gay bar that got closed down by the time I was old enough to go there.

I was outed against my will when I was seven, in 1993, when it was still very much a social death sentence in the suburban midwest. Twenty-one years before marriage was even halfway legal. And I was called all manner of things, including 'queer.' But the word that hurt the most, really hit me deeply in my soul...

...was 'lesbian.'

Lesbian is the accepted term for a woman who seeks relationships with women (the community's own gatekeeping aside.) It is one of the main letters in the acronym. There is nothing wrong with the word 'lesbian.'

But it was the way that they said it. That fucking lesbian. What are you, a lesbo? Dont sit with her, shes a lesbian.

This was paired with projectile rocks, bottles, some elaborate pranks and some less than elaborate.

This went on for eleven years. In high school our Gay-Straight-Alliance had about five people, and it was made up of two people I was sort of friends with and three people who had been throwing rocks at me. It wasnt a safe place.

And I had yet to kiss a single girl. Whole high school experience, couldnt even think about dating because I was too busy trying to shake that word off of me.

Maybe if someone said it nicely to me just once I wouldnt have felt like I was scraping the label off of me every day.

Get to college, I hear the phrase 'queer studies.' The word felt like pins on the back of my neck because I'd heard that word, too. But today it was a friendly word, a thing you could study. A history, a theory, a community.

I get shy about the word, and then I hear more words. Femme, butch, dyke, bear, bambi, fag, queen... all of these words from friendly mouths with kind eyes and all of them queer.

And then I said it out loud.

"Queer."

Ooohh.. see, it was different when I took it for myself. It wasnt pins anymore, it was a knife that I got to hold. 'Lesbian' still hurt because by the time I found queerness, it was questionable that my gender mattered anymore.

It's such a... broad word. I get to define my own queerness. I'm not a woman who loves women, I'm a person who is in love! And that love is for my girlfriend, that love is for my friends, that love is for myself- god fucking finally that love is for myself, who I hated and hated and hated for almost thirty years because someone when I was seven decided to put me in a fucking box that I didn't belong and I didnt know how to escape because I didnt know that there were other words, kinder words, words like knives in the hand instead of in the heart.

God. Fucking. Damnit. I loved myself for the first time.

And you want me... to go back into that little box that doesnt fit me anymore because it's a 'slur?' And you think I cant reclaim it because it wasnt meant for me when I was literally... called it since I was seven god damned years old?

No word meant to describe my sexuality is without a history of violence. Not a single one. The word 'lesbian' no longer stings, it just isnt wholly correct for me.

So if I can make peace with the word that sent me home crying for eleven years, you can let people reclaim the word 'queer' for themselves.

Miss me with that terf shit.

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danvillecheese · 1 year

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why do u think act ur age is fucked

[cracks knuckles] alright. essay time. you asked for it.

I’ve done a similar response to this before here and mentioned something else about it here but I’ll go over it again since those posts are both from a while ago. also bear in mind I haven’t seen aya recently bc I don’t like it. okay let’s get into it

[also im gonna preface this saying maybe i sound very pessimistic but im ranting and its just gonna sound like im complaining because i am. i mean no real malice by the way. im simply a person with a blog.]

first off. they don’t use the show don’t tell as well as they could. in the what might have been montage, sure, they showed potential scenarios and how phineas felt (very briefly) when isa stopped visiting his backyard but it just feels so rushed. I get that they only had like 11 minutes to show it but idk there has to be another way to write it. or just not have it at all idk its just from a writing point of view the whole episode feels rushed and out of place from everything else continuity-wise. why not use little easter eggs planted in the show beforehand? operation crumbcake? pharmacists? meapless in seattle? god theres so many episodes with evidence that phineas liked her back even if he didnt know. just. continuity!!!!

second. why did their friends not try something sooner. it’s not like they didn’t know. like phineas seems to be okay with saying “i wish! i am so in the friend zone there” in front of his friends (that quote alone makes me lose my shit but that’s a whole other point) so clearly they knew about phineas. and isabella also wasn’t quiet about it (source: pnf s1-4). they had like four years of high school to do something and they planned it the day isa left for college? nah its just the least realistic thing ever for me. also them being 18 is like yeah okay maybe the slow burn was worth it and theyre way more grown up (i love a good slowburn) but ohhhhhh my god SURELY their friends were getting sick of them dancing around each other. just me?

third. and I’m sorry to ash simpson but oh my god I hate the character designs like They Would Not Fucking Look Like That. it almost feels like it completely disregards their arcs during the original summer. like yeah child chub disappears over ur teen years but sometimes it stays a little longer! make phineas less twiggy!! make isa look more like her mother! (am i about to redesign them again? whoops)

four. and i know this is no fault of dan and swampy but the show was about to end anyways and yet the entire friend group was paired off into hetero ships?? get fucking real. none of those kids are straight. realistically, i know it was a different time and gay marriage wasnt even legal in the us yet so it wasnt all that common to have queer romance on screen let alone on disney channel but like i said, the show was about to end. what were the disney channel execs gonna do? cancel it? lmao

five. "I am so in the friend zone there." "we are guys. we do not talk about our feelings." WHAT!!! i cant believe this shit is real. these lines of dialogue are canon. what the hell. what kind of message does that even send to younger, impressionable viewers? if ur a 10 year old boy watching that (ok fine maybe that isnt gonna stick with you forever but listen) and you go 'oh its okay to just bottle everything up and not tell my friends about my feelings about anything ever' that is insane! thats not how things should go!! like i get the whole "im so in the friend zone" and yes, this also has to do with the era but like if they wanted to be a more progressive cartoon that kids look up to and enjoy maybe they just. shouldn't have put that whole conversation in.

i barely have any problems with the b plot. in fact id watch the episode just for the kazoo solo. because that plot lines up with the continuity. i can totally see heinz having bowling night with perry and carl and monogram every week! i can totally see perry and monogram retired! and carl running owca and getting payed for it! that all checks out! that one makes sense and works with the canon! if they got that plot so right how did they get the a plot so wrong?

i can answer this question: fanservice. its an awful word, i know. act your age is a fanservicey episode which is why i think it crashed and burned. mml season 2 is rooted in the same issue: doof is very present and takes away from the original plot of the show. like, the one he wasnt even in until the last episode of s1. slightly getting off topic but it is the crux of the issue. fanservice doesnt make for good storytelling. even if it brings in the big bucks. at its core, telling the story the way it should be told is the best one. even if it pisses people off. a good portion of the viewers will still appreciate whatever ending the creators come up with. and no, im not saying phinbella shouldn't have become canon, in fact i really like the ship and all their dynamics, i just think they went about it the wrong way.

as someone who's written and published fic about them getting together in different universes (granted, they were from when i was younger so its mildly terrible. take them with a grain of salt) there are a lot of other ways to tell that story canonically. honestly, i think the best way of doing it was to keep it ambiguous. dont tell that story. let the viewers pick their own ending for phineas and isabella. maybe they dont get together after all. who knows!

thanks for the ask! hope you had fun getting lectured <3

#phineas and ferb #phinbella #act your age #ask #this was fun you guys should ask me more stuff like this #dwampyverse analysis

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jellythefishess · 1 year

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I love episode 3 of the last of us. Not only do I love the episode itself, but also the way people are talking about it. Maybe it’s because it was hinted at in the game (or confirmed idk been awhile) so it was expected, or people were just too focused on the master piece of an episode to mention it, but I haven’t seen anyone being like ‘oh my god they’re gay!! Theres representation!’ And it makes me happy. Let me explain,

Usually its a surprise for me to see rep on tv, especially well written stuff, and seeing people not surprised by it is making me feel like we are progressing, even if I don’t usually feel like we are. We aren’t surprised anymore. We aren’t shocked to see people like us. The world has changed and is still changing so much, like when Bill and Frank met gay marriage wasnt even legalized in our world! And look at us now!!

Being able to see stories like this in popular media, being able to see queer characters that aren’t only queer for brownie points or minor plot reasons, Isn’t it wonderful? Isnt it just so.. I dont even have words. Im not that old, im not old at all infact, dont even have my diploma yet, but if you told 7 or even 10 year old me there’s people like him on tv? He’d lose his mind with excitement!!!! Because it never happened before!! He never saw or heard about it! Its so new!!!!!! Im ecstatic. Im finally seeing and finally feeling change. Maybe things wont be shitty forever :) anyways i don’t think i formatted this correctly or anything like that, its midnight and im tired. Its a miracle im passing English. So sorry to anyone who reads this.

Thanks Last of Us writers, and thanks internet <3 cant wait for the rest of the series

#this is just my experience #maybe people are doing this and i missed it #but dont tell me if they are #let me believe we’re excepted as normal #at least for a little bit..#the last of us #ID MAKE THIS COLLAPSEABLE BUT IDK HOW #SORRY ITS LONG #last of us #last of us show #bill and frank #lgbtq #queer love #queer tv #lgbtq representation

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destielgaysex · 1 year

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gay marriage wasnt even legal yet

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mytranssnakes · 1 year

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wait season one of sherlock was 2009/10 (im not sure) and Harry, Johns sister, was married (and devorced) to a woman but gay marriage wasnt legal yet how does that work? /gen

#sherlock #harry watson #john watson

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razputin · 3 years

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wait this also means bob and helmuts wedding wasnt technically legal if pn2 takes place around 2005

#gay marriage wasnt legalized yet..#unless they went somewhere..#ottos on the no fly list thats why he wasnt there #alex.txt

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cyberth0t · 4 years

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ℜ𝔦𝔳𝔯𝔬 𝔱𝔥𝔯𝔲 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔠𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔰

1925 // 1933 // 1947

Juuuuust playing copycat off @ellemant and @eslanes decades posts

#1947 is my fave #pretending to honeymoon in hawaii #yknow #cuz gay marriage wasnt legal yet #LOL #ts4 #ts4 cas #sims cas challenge #sims edit #ts4 edit #rivro #i lich rally did this ALL DAY

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ticklethepickle · 5 years

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Me starting to come out of the closet comfortably and then getting nervous and retreating & repeating again a few months later:

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tiktaalic · 3 years

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my worst spn take is that i hate charlie. she literally is a caricature of what men think nerdy lesbians are. i only tolerate her bc shes deans bestie.

10/10. lucille bluth voice i love all of dean's friends who are women equally. later that day i dont care for charlie. like she IS someone i would block on twitter for crime of be annoying. she's One Of The Guys but a girl yknow. extremely dated as a character which is fine she showed up in s7 gay marriage wasnt legal federally yet but. it does not mean i have to like her in 2021. also spn has too many redheads and it freaks me out that felicia day is always styled to be Extra Pale and a redhead. shes robbies self insert which again . fine for 2012 but its 2021 at this point i dont pretend to care about any lesbian characters whose actresses look like theyre about to pack it up to move back to ohio

#ask #anonymous #spnwatch

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arincist · 4 years

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Okay but if criminal minds writers wouldn't have been homophobic pussies they could've gave us so many iconic ships.

Moreid? A gay interracial couple, with a soft genius Spencer Reid and a badass smart Derek Morgan.

Jemily? Goth and prep gfs trope. Everything about it would've been amazing.

Alex Blake having a female partner (since back then gay marriage wasnt legalized yet) instead of a husband. Btw idc what anyone says, she had major lesbian vibes.

Elle and JJ. Even if they wouldn't have been an official couple. If they would've made JJ queer and having her pine for Elle. Then after Elle's departure have JJ find mutual and true love with Emily. It would've been *chefs kisses*.

A gay Penelope Garcia? Amazing. Show stopping. It would've explained all the playful flirting with Morgan (even though two straight woman and man can be just friends).

#criminal minds #jemily #moreid #penelope garcia #alex blake #elle greenaway #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss #spencer reid #derek morgan

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rockets-and-raccoons · 3 years

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My mum knew when I was really young that I wasnt straight. Not that she consciously recognised it. I was the child she constantly told that love was love. I could love whoever I wanted and that was okay. I was the child that was constantly told by my parents that gays deserved rights and that they would always love me no matter what. I was the child they excitedly told when gay marriage finally became legal.

I grew up repressed with severe internalized homophobia issues. To the point where to this day I still severely struggle with it.

My grandad doesnt believe in gay rights. He thinks it's a phase. That these people are ill. The village I grew up in was very Christian. Being gay was wrong. It was disgusting. Gay people needed serious mental help (ironically half the people my age that grew up there have turned out to be part of the lgbtq+ community).

I went to high school in the neighbouring city. Where everyone around me talked about how disgusting being gay is. The fear of a gay person in the changing rooms was talking about constantly. Gay adoption and marriage was considered wrong. Liking people of the same sex was considered disgusting and uncomfortable.

I was terrified everytime I had to get changed for pe. I was terrified to just look at other girls. And it didnt help that the majority of my friends were boys. I didnt spend much time with girls. The one girl I was good friends with- was suddenly the source of rumours. Everyone at school knew before I did. Talked about if before I accepted it.

She's gay.

I denied it. I didn't believe I was for a second. Did everything I possibly could to prove I wasn't. And yet for my last 2 years at school everyone made jokes about my sexuality. Told me I was gay and in love with my friend. (Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I refused to process my emotions properly back then.) They joked about how I was only straight until I was horny. That I was so obviously gay. But it was a joke. A mocking thing that made me feel so horrific that I did awful, horrific things to prove everyone wrong. Things I have to live with, that i hate myself for. Just becaus every time someone suggested I might be gay, all I could think of was 'it's so wrong.' 'Its disgusting' 'its cruel to children to be raised by gay parents' '1 in 5 people are gay, I sure as hell hope it's never going to be me' 'nobody wants to be gay, it's an illness.' 'I cant be around gay people, they make me uncomfortable' 'they'll stare at you in the changing rooms' 'they'll force themselves on you'

I still cant share a bed with another girl without being terrified. I cant be in the same room as another woman getting changed - I havent had to deal with PE in a decade. Havent heard those whispers in a decade.

Every time I become friends with another girl I'm terrified of what will happen when they find out I'm gay. I can't connect with them properly.

And sometimes. Sometimes I just truly hate myself. I hate the fact I find women attractive. That I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a man. Sometimes, often, I still find that disgust curling up in my stomach.

It doesnt matter that I dont live there anymore. That I now live somewhere so open and so easy to accept everyone and anyone. It doesnt matter that I've admitted it to myself, my family, and my friends. That I tell people so easily, I'm gay.

I'm still terrified of what would happen if people from my home found out. I still hear their conversations. Their mocking words. I still feel the effects of their homophobia. And sometimes I still wish I could pretend I was straight.

I was lucky to be born into such an open and accepting family. But by god, I wish I'd been brought up where I live now. I wish I didnt lie in bed hating myself so much at times. I wish I could be at peace with who I am. Rather than wishing I could go back in time and somehow change myself.

I remember telling my mum I was gay, and her not understanding why I was so distraught. Because 'you should know by now I love you no matter what' - and I didnt know how to tell her society, my friends, our community, were all going to despise me. Hate me. Tell me I told you so. I told my dad minutes after he said he wished his daughters were gay bc he hated dealing with the heterosexual drama and boyfriends. He couldn't understand why I was crying, because he wanted gay children. He had told me my whole life he would always love me no matter what. I was free to love whoever I wanted. And I didnt know how to tell him the world made me feel like I was disgusting and wrong and my existence was even worse than that of rapists.

And my grandpa, who I dont get on with, who doesnt really like me, who I was sure hated the gay community (and he has since admitted that if it was years prior he would have disowned me over sexuality) emailed me to tell me he was proud of me, that being gay wasnt wrong and he had been wrong about how he felt about the lgbtq+ community.

My grandad still thinks I'm going through a phase.

My best friend came out to me in tears, telling me he wished he had known we were both struggling, so we could have at least had each other.

When I finally told my other friends. There was no 'I told you so's' suddenly talking about sexuality wasnt a thing. It was a taboo topic nobody wanted to deal with. The girl everyone joked I was in love with, slowly disappeared from my life.

It's funny until it's true. And that's when you really realise the jokes were really, truly jokes. They didnt believe what they were saying. They just enjoyed the rise they got out of you.

And when I think about being a teenager. Despite the fact its ten years long. The only thing I can truly remember is the internal and external homophobia. Everything else feels hazy. The good times. The bad. It's all a fog that's over-taken by the self-loathing that I still carry.

I wish I could tell my teenage self that it gets better.

I wish my parents would believe me when I tell them I dont blame them for living where they did. We couldn't afford to move. They loved me, they love me, and that's what matters.

I wish I hadnt spent so long chanting 'I'm not gay' before bed. Because I knew from the age of 13, and spent the rest of my teen years in denial. Telling myself I was wrong.

But then I see my sister. My sister who is 10 years younger than me. Who had a big sister come out when she was just 8 years old (I came out at 18, yet spent a further 2 years trying to prove I wasnt. I came out too early. But I figured myself out. Accepted myself more, with the help of my family, and my best friend). She has grown up with more progressive media. Has moved to a more progressive place. Hell, her school has an lgbtq+ club. She has one (1) straight friend. She came out as bisexual at 12. But the older shes getting she thinks that her male crushes were caused by heteronormality and she thinks she might be gay. And shes open. Shes proud. Shes unapologetic in who and what she is.

I think about my self hatred. My self-loathing. About my internalised homophobia. I think of every night I spent lying in bed thinking 'One in five people is gay, it's not me. It won't be me. I'm not gay.' And I look at my little, wonderfully, unapologetically herself, little sister. And I think, that every struggle I've ever been through is worth it. If she gets to feel proud of herself because I've come out. Because my parents had to move bc of me. Because I've done everything I can to support her. To love her. To pretend to love myself for who I am in front of her.

Every day I struggle, I think to myself she doesnt have to. I'm one of the last millennials. She's gen z. And shes not my kid. But theres such a large age gap that I feel that generational difference. And I can't have children of my own. And suddenly, I find myself understand what my parents mean when they say that their suffering was worth it whenever they see us gain something out of it. Making things easier for someone you love, for someone so young, it makes it almost feel like it was worth it.

That trauma is going to stay with me. But my coming out too early, is what had my sister questioning her own sexuality. And it happened early enough in her life. She was questioning it before she hit her teens. She told me she knew she liked girls before she hit ten. But she wasnt too sure what that meant. And she wa worried because biphobia in our family is bad. But the we moved away. And she was watching adventure time and steven universe. And I was suddenly openly accepting myself and flirting with girls. And making jokes about my sexuality. And she came out. So young. So proud. And my parents were accepting of her bisexuality (albeit worried about how the rest of the family would react). And I did what I could to support her. Buying badges and flags and taking her to pride. And now shes come out as fully gay and I'm so happy and hoe safe she felt her journey has been. That at 15 she isnt scared to tell her friends (and they're not afraid to tell her). At 15 she might actually have a girlfriend. And shes been to pride. Goes to pride.

And I am so, so proud of her.

I would love to go back in time and tell myself that it's okay to accept who I am. But I cant.

But my sister grew up knowing it was okay to accept who she was. And my coming out helped my best friend accept who he was.

I didnt have any lgbtq+ friends growing up (that I knew about). There were no clubs. No tv shows. My only support was my mum and my dad.

My sister has a club. She has our family. Her friends. Her school (no awful changing room comments. No snide remarks) She has an open and accepting community. I feel so relieved that she'll (hopefully, pls universe, be kind to her) never have the same experiences I did.

#this is a shitty rant #i dont know where my head is tonight #i guess im just depressed #and wanting hugs #and its that stupid anniversary coming up #so i guess im hating myself a little more #my sister just recame out last week #so maybe that also is playing a part #im so proud of her #i love her #ignore #long post

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7minutesinpurgatory-moved · 3 years

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alpha juno incohesive infodump bc im. experiencing thoghts

(idk how coherent this is/sorry ab the typos, had an episode earlier and my typing isn’t super great rn)

Lives in some fucked up future-past where somehow it’s like fucking 30′s aesthetics but when he was posting on here from the m!a he was from 2008. that’s just how homestuck is yknow.

had a hot rockstar boyfriend (fuck legal marriages, but they were essentially married. spouses) who ended up eventually oding in his mid forties.

Not a Great Father. works better as a grand father or an uncle. His son resents the fuck out of him which is understandable. He resents his son for making the same mistakes he did with Dove.

Lives with James and Dove because at one point he was arrested for grave robbing and deemed too mentally unstable to live alone. He was also diagnosed for the first time then (with Schizophrenia and Cluster B)

Disneys competitor, but not literally their competitor in an animation sense, more of a moral sense. Much like betty crocker in canon homestuck disney and walt disney owned the fucking world and was also connected to alternia. Juno and his animation studio (haven’t decided a name yet) essentially gave people animated content that wasnt tied to disney and pixar.

Survived multiple assassination attempts out of pure fucking luck.

Wears a locket with his diseased partners picture and hair in it. He’s also extremely lovecore, a ton of his drawings have a lot of themes of romance, hearts, red string of fate, etc in them. bitch is gay

Despite being arrested for it they never found his boyfriends body. Surprise! Its in his fucking secret ass bedroom.

Eventually tries to resurrect his boyfriend, with the help of the elder gods, ends up selling his (and by extension, every version of himselfs) body in exchange for his boyfriends soul. SURPRISE! turns out the horror terrors kinda suck and his bf isn’t doing too hot and ends up being offed anyways

Mental illness spiral and eventually kills himself after it gets too much. Dove’s the one who ends up finding his body.

He owned too many cats, i’d say atleast fucking. 4?four cats. probably

old man catboy. probably owned cat ears and little kitty paw gloves

Ever hear about the minkey minnie/popeye sex tape? a similar thing was made mocking his suicide by disney

Dove was his entire world and he was kind of attached to the hip by him. He. Played favorites SO fucking hard. it’s his little man :) carries him around and gives him snacks his dad said no to. breaks the rules. you’ve been magically ungrounded thanks to ur super cool grandpa <3

starts fights on twitter. its how he met his boyfriend

#ooc #suicide //#ableism //#headcanons #drugs m //#overdose //

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gayoongles · 5 years

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50 questions tag

I was tagged by @mikrokosyoongs thank u bb🥺💘 1. What takes up too much of your time? currently studying + final projects😪 but usually my time is spent trying to keep up w all my kpop boys (mostly bts) hfudsihf

2. What makes your day better? listening to music, playing my cello, talking to my friends, n rugby 3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today? BLACK HAIRED TAE IS BACK (im still not over it bye) AND I GOT BTS TIX

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? uhhhh idk? maybe the hp universe but ngl I havent watched/read much lately that takes place in a historical setting besides got and I know for sure I dont wanna b there hfdjhf

5. Are you good at giving advice? I like to think I am but idk

6. Do you have any mental illness? sadly yeah😣

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no, thank fuck. id fr die 8. What musician inspired you the most? yoongi, min yoongi, suga, syub, the love of my life, and kim namjoon

9. Have you ever fallen in love? wish I cld say no hahah but

10. What’s your dream date? idk I dont rly have one hfudshf I like amusement parks a lot but also cuddling sounds like an AMAZING date idea

11. What do others notice about you? ppl always comment on my hair (bc I always have it dyed) and my height first so I guess those fhiusdfhi, personality wise tho, that im v quiet

12. What is an annoying habit you have? biting my nails. I try so hard every day to not but it ends up happening anyway

13. Do you still talk to your first love? no, thankfully

14. How many exes do you have? 5 and all of them ended up sucking yeet😛

15. How many songs are in your playlist? idk bc I have like 7483758 playlists

16. What instruments can you play? cello! and a bit of ukulele but I havent picked it up in a while so im probably rusty

17. What do you have the most pictures of? bts, but out of all of them probably jm or yoongi

18. Where would you like to go before you die? everywhere, but mostly Europe Australia and Asia

19. What is your zodiac? ima go deep bc why not so: leo sun cap moon aries rising. feel free to roast me in my asks abt that idk

20. Do you relate to it? my zodiac? lmao my sun no but my moon for sure

21. What is happiness to you? music.

22. Are you going through anything right now? umm stress bc finals r in like a week but other than that no not particularly. I did just get out of a rly bad like month, almost 2 month long depressive episode tho so its been rough bouncing back from that bc I got behind on a LOT of work bc of it

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? not a specific decision but I trusted too easily in the past and it always hurt me

24. What’s your favorite store? I dont rly shop that much in specific stores ngl, maybe line friends tho? it was a rly cute store when I visited last month :(

25. What’s your opinion on abortion? your body, your decision. no one elses

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nah, theres things I wanna do but idc enough to write them down or keep track or anything

27. Do you have a favorite album? persona, lys tear, and dark and wild r so so superior dont @ me I won't change my mind

28. What do you want for your birthday? hfidshfi not 2 b that bitch but I always only ask for money

29. What are most people’s first impression of you? that I’m really quiet and reserved. also that im fucking short

30. What age do you seem according to most people? I got mistaken as 12 once when I was 18 but recently idk, maybe 17? probably not much younger now since I go to college

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? next to me on my bed bc I always end up falling asleep while on it

32. What word do you say the most? yoongi or some curse word probably

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 22 or 23? idk I havent rly thought of it much. except id date hyung line for sure if they fucking asked, screw age preferences in that case.

34. What’s the youngest age you would date? 18 since im only 19 lmao

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? anything music related

36. What’s your favorite music genre? any varying kind of rock except most metal (alt, indie, classic, etc.), pop (and that included kpop), and hip hop

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? um? tbh I like New York but uhh any country that it’s legal to be lgbtq+ in since my trans gay ass wldnt thrive anywhere that it’s illegal obvi

38. What is your current favorite song? dionysus and home and also bonfire by childish gambino

39. How long have you had this blog for? I dont know tbfh, maybe a year and a half? two years? bc it was a marvel blog before it was a bts blog so..

40. What are you excited for? METLIFE DAY 2 LETS GOOOO

41. Are you a better talker or listener? listener. talking takes a lot out of me mentally if im sober unless im w someone im rly comfy w

42. What is the last productive thing you did? uhh this weekend I finished 3 whole assignments dsifhi that's abt it

43. What do you want for christmas? idk? money? to get to spend time w my dad n step sisters? christmas is so far away man idk yet

44. What class do you get the best grades in? music related courses and english/writing

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 6, wld be more if I wasnt stressed out of my mine but ukno

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? mmm my hope is that ill b a relatively successful music producer/engineer by then but we’ll see how that goes lmaoo

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? threeee years ago I think? its been a hot second

48. What age do you want to get married? bro im only 19 I dont wanna think abt marriage

49. What career did you want to have as a child? a vet! and then I realized u had to put pets down sometimes so I said fuck that

50. What do you crave right now? physical affection lmaoo

m not gonna tag anyone bc I kinda took an break from work that I shouldn't have to do this so fhidsh anyone can do this if u want idk

#tag game #about me #not bts

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kaylaissad · 3 years

Text

TW - mentions of suicide

December 11th 2020, 1:17 am

So I'm making a collage of all the times you threatened to block me because I think it's funny and the world should know

I know I dont have to explain myself considering you are dead now and will never read these but I want to explain myself anyways

I miss you

I read all of our old messages

Like texts and on here

It's harder on here bc I only have what's been saved

But from our texts I dont know

I realized it's mostly me talking

Asking you over and over again to please spend time with me or call me or when can we hang out

Or just me talking in general

I hope I wasnt a burden to you

I wish I had answered your last text to me

I wish I had literally just one deep conversation saved somewhere

I was thinking earlier today about all the songs I'll never be able to show you

I know musicals weren't really your thing but you'd memorize the words and jam out to them in the car with me anyways

I never told you how much I cherished those moments

And how much it meant to me that you went out of your way to do those things

I started watching this cartoon called the owl house and I think you would really like it

Its gay so of course I like it but I genuinely laughed out loud at parts of it

I think its Disney affiliated too

Isnt that cool that Disney is promoting gay children's content now

We've come so far since gay marriage was legalized in 2015

You were with me when that happened

It feels like you were with me for every major moment in my life since we've met to be honest

Oma dying, gay marriage, literally every time I've ever been pulled over

There's definitely more but I'm exhausted

My brain feels slow - yes, slower than usual, I know what you'd be saying - since you died

I'm so exhausted no matter how much I sleep

Nobody will talk to me about you Megan and that's actually really pissing me off

When I bring you up it feels like people avoid you as a topic and I hate that

I want to talk about you constantly with everyone

I just really fucking miss you

To go back to what I was saying about like songs and cartoons

I realized earlier today that there's so much that hasnt happened yet that you would love to see or hear or experience and I'm going to see it and hear it and experience it and I wont be able to tell you about it

I mean I can here I guess but you wont answer

I hate this

You were too fucking young

It should have been a worse person

I have people in mind

I wont name them because it honestly seems like my karma is fucked and I need to be a better person

I cant stop thinking about what your last thoughts and emotions were

Were you aware of the fact you were dying?

Were you scared?

I don't know

I hope not

But I'll never know

That bothers me a lot

I really need to get back into therapy dude

Honestly if one of us died young I was expecting it to be because one of us offed ourselves and honestly it would've probably been me

I literally never even seriously considered you dying

It didnt seem like a possibility right now I guess

I miss you

You were just in my house like a couple weeks ago and everything was fine

Your leg was in that boot but you were fine

Was the blood clot forming then?

Did you say anything that I should have thought more about?

I dont know if there were signs that I missed that could have somehow prevented you dying

And I know I'm grasping at straws but I just literally dont understand how this happened

You were fine

You were young

I didnt think you had any other health issues but I dont know

I guess we weren't as close as we used to be

I was always chasing that period of time in our friendship

I always wanted to get back to that

I guess the summer after senior year

Remember how you lived at my house for a month?

I gave you the bed and slept on the floor

I remember night swimming and talking about the future for hours

We had so many plans

I wish I remembered those conversations better

I guess I just relied on you being my memory

I know it sounds fucked up but I honestly thought I'd die first

Like later

Years from now

You always told me you thought you'd die young

I literally just remembered that and it feels like I got punched in the chest

You always said you thought you'd die young

You were fucking right megan

and I'm so mad about it

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