#genuinely crying at 7am wow

[teresalace]

I won't cry for you, Yandere Tyler Galpin x Female Reader Part 2

Yandere Tyler Galpin x Female Reader Part 2, "I won't cry for you"

Part one: here (PART 1)

• Words: 2358

•Triggers/Warnings: none

•Show: Wednesday (2022) Netflix

💖Author's Note😌: Happy almost Chinese new year everyone! Enjoy! And please remember 😅this story is more of what I imagine the show would be like in season2 but I haven't watched S1! 💖Much love! My Kofi is in my pinned post if you'd like to support me :-D Singapore based writer wo!

As promised, tagging y'all! @taylorsreputationsversion​ and @queen-wolf7577

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Summary: After successfully relocating the Hyde, Your mother's pet, Laurel Gates (Professor Thornhill), in a nearby town, you had almost not much else to do except to help see to that Tyler Galpin adjusts to his new life and identity. Yet as time goes by, you realized you had a terrifying fondness for his company but that's just because you see him as a wounded stray animal you've adopted. Surely you could overcome this attachment. Maybe. Like mother like daughter. . .

_____

The rest of the first week living with Tyler felt distant and polite, you liked it that way, being able to keep a close eye on his few unusual movements (other than staying cooped up, reading books and whatnot in his assigned room) and overall health in the house.

You'd conclude that he's overall healthy from the three meals he'd eat daily, though mentally you can't say for certain.

There was no need for conversations whenever you crossed paths with him when there wasn't anything to talk about, so in a way you were technically on a short holiday. He was barely an annoyance, always keeping to himself, no complaints whatsoever, had respectable minimal eye-contact with you whenever there's a brief moment of passing between you and him. . .

How nice, like he instinctively knew his place to be submissive. One less problem to deal with.

Until one early morning in the living room, at 7am of your usual waking time, you were surprised to see breakfast for two laid out on the coffee table. Two cups of coffee accompanying their own full plates of steaming hot pancakes– admittedly it was a strange, welcoming sight.

"I- uh- wanted to surprise you."

You whipped around at the sudden voice and observed Tyler standing behind you awkwardly, wearing layers of clothes with big pockets that hid his dangling arms.

So, Galpin made the first move.

You shot a swift glance between him and the breakfast before easing a small smile out of your stiff lips. "consider me surprised, Galpin."

Huh, he usually wouldn't come out of his room at this time. . . (Which was why you chose this time to be busy in doing your other tasks and grocery shopping.) It got you thinking, suspecting him of wanting to gain something from you. Let's hear it first before throwing a dog a bone.

"I'm glad you're awake, uh the pancakes won't get soggy then." He says, tone genuinely relieved. Almost sounding like he was actually glad he didn't have to go up to your room to get you for breakfast. . . Or he was one incredible actor.

Either way, you weren't mad. It was more than interesting living with a former normie. You were glad in a way that he had settled down nicely but it did seem somewhat suspicious. He settled down way too fast- but you'd think you would be desperate to adapt if you were in his shoes and even overwhelmingly grateful to be given assistance.

"After you, Galpin." You gestured towards the food on the coffee table, a low grumbling in your empty stomach urging you to eat already. He quickly protested, "oh n-no, you go first. . ."

You raised an eyebrow, it only took a few more seconds of staring for him to zip up and hesitantly nodding in defeat. He went to take a seat at the coffee table and you followed suit, sitting across from him.

The steam of the rich creamy coffee hit your nostrils the moment you sat down and took a deep breath in. And even though there was barely any movement from infront of you, you carefully sipped the hot coffee. . . Just one drop. Wow.

"This is really good," you admitted outloud, looking into your mocha-coloured coffee, surprising yourself in the process. "I don't think I've had coffee taste this good in years."

A small whoosh of relief released from across you but when you flicked your gaze up, Tyler had already started grabbing his cutlery and wore a bigger smile while cutting through his pancakes. "Glad I have something to bring to the table. I guess working in café wasn't so bad," he finished his sentence by stuffing himself a large bite and chewing with intense urgency.

His attention zeroed in on his food once he saw you begining to eat yours.

Gosh, he must've been starving waiting for you to get out of your room. Not that you felt guilty but for a moment as you stared at him engoring himself with pancakes. . . Your heart sunk a little and pitied him. For only a moment, of course. . .

He made breakfast for you because he felt indebted to you. Simple enough for you to understand and not question.

No wonder he seemed the tiniest, slightest bit on edge around you the past few days and from the corner of your eyes- you'd occasionally catch him watching you subtly while you ate. Maybe he was worried of what you'd say to him.

Like a worried tenant trying to please their unpredictable landlord from kicking them out.

In the dead quiet other than steel clinking and the muffled beeping of cars outside, he must've sensed your blatant stare on him as he shifted in his seat and tried to smile casually. "I forgot to say this but good morning," he greeted, evergreen eyes boring into yours.

You slowly nodded, copying his friendly smile to a tee, "morning."

That was already a huge effort you never expected yourself to make, especially willing without any underlying intention. It's only been a few days since you've adopted– gave a place for him to stay. . . You couldn't possibly be growing an attachment to him.

It can't be possible, you reassured yourself mentally while finishing off the rest of the fluffy pancakes.

You were leaving soon in a week or two anyways, these interactions are temporary and won't even be remembered in a couple of months for you. Good.

"Galpin," you called when he was about to take away your empty place along with his, "thank you. Your pancakes were delicious, so was the coffee. You didn't have to do this."

He shrugged his back at you, putting down the empty dishes in the sink before he turnt on the faucet.

"I can't just sit back and not do anything. You've already done alot for me so. . . " He washed the cups through the running water. "I thought making breakfast for you would help you relax," Tyler said nonchalantly as he washed the rest of the dishes.

Huh, did you seem stressed to him?

A slow smile spread on your face when you looked around the tidy living room, arms crossed. "How nice, thank you, Galpin."

"I also took out the trash. Gotta pull my weight here, right." He chuckled lightly, trying to sound humorous while drying his hands with a hand towel by the kitchen counter.

As much as he's right, you initially prefered being alone in the mornings but without your dear plants near– Tyler soon became a good substitute for some company. . . You really need to take another long hot shower before you begin thinking again.

He stood idle across from you, tucking his hands in an oversized jacket your family member used to wear. (No doubt he found from the closet in his room) "So I guess this is uh, see you later?"

"Sure, see you. Galpin," you nodded, watching him back away and retreating up the stairs quietly with a short glance thrown behind his shoulder at you before disappearing.

Only when the clicking of his door closing echoed through the house were you finally able to fully relax and do the rest of your morning routine. . . .

After much housework and managing some of your mother's leftover papers (on subjects unknown to you), you recalled not having checked if the meat had gone bad, so you did.

Slowly opening the freezer of the fridge did not prepare you enough for the shocking sight of a cold white empty space. How did a dozen of plastic packaged red meat that you just recently ordered a few days ago, become completely gone in no time.

Obvious answer: Tyler Galpin.

You slowly closed the freezer and went to check the trash bin in the kitchen, only to see an empty bin. . . Ah right, Tyler did say he threw the trash away earlier.

The pots and pans are crisp and clean, but since you weren't always at this second house with Tyler– there were many time gaps where he could've cooked or fried the meat. Assuming he cooked it at all.

You rubbed your feet against the floor, sensing no grease nor oil on the smoothe clean surface. He must've found the mop somewhere and cleaned after his cooking. . .

What funny timing. Except that you don't remember reading anything about Hydes craving meat, but could you have misread? Impossible.

You needed some time to think about Tyler's abnormal cravings (and recalling the bloodied state he was in when you discovered him in the woods) he most likely is going through some kind of withdrawal.

Then again, you aren't a monster expert so you need to call someone who is.

So you reached behind you for your phone, secretly hidden in your back pocket but froze in place. Wait what were you thinking, (Name), this is so unnecessary. You've helped him enough, whatever else he goes through he should deal with it. Not you.

Your hand dropped from your back as you continued going about your day in endless amounts of work, peacefully. Or so you convinced yourself.

And for hours long you didn't see Tyler until he came down the stairs suddenly, all jittery and nervous smiles when noticing your stare on him from the couch.

"Afternoon, Galpin." You greeted before looking back down to your work laptop.

"Ye-yeah, good afternoon," he softly said, watching you for a couple of seconds before taking any action.

Him walking towards you in a casual saunter like he had something important to say, opening his mouth before closing it. You glanced up and blinked at him questioningly.

"Um- If it's at all possible. . . Could I talk to my dad? Or just send a letter, something to let him know I'm alive. . ." He asked pleading, heavy toned.

Staring intensely into yours was his forest green eyes shrouded by the shadows of his front curly hair. Eyes full of uncertainty and glimmering hope yet also prepared for the least favourable answer.

So you pulled the laptop closed while maintaining steely eye-contact and asked. "Galpin, Isn't it dangerous to be contacting your father during this time?"

By this time, you meant when the whole town's police force could potentially be on the hunt for him, an escaped murderer.

His eyes shone brighter after hearing you not say no. Tyler then confidently stood firmer, like an opportunist he took what he could get.

"Nothing's gonna happen if we're already out of Jericho," he said it matter-of-factly with a dead serious expression, "the cops don't search anyplace far. . ." Looks like his father must've told him something for his confident to skyrocket in this area.

"I'll see what I can do." You rose from your comfortable seat, "I won't guarantee anything except your safety, remember that, Galpin."

You smoothly maneuvered around a wide-eyed standing Tyler as he tried to speak as you headed up the stairs. Towards your bedroom.

Because somewhere deep inside your wardrobe was a cardboard box full of throwaway phones incase of emergencies. And this wasn't an emergency but a small favour that could lead to a potential disaster if one was careless.

Shaking these useless thoughts out of your head, you took one of the phones and hid the box again.

After going back down to the living room where Tyler was waiting for you, sitting on the couch this time- on the place where you last sat, you just stood Infront of him.

"Your hand, please."

Curious, he held his hand up to you. Only for you to put a black burner phone in it, his thumb accidentally brushing along the side of your hand as you do.

"Smash it or step on it, anything. Do what is necessary to destroy it after your call. Absolutely make sure you get rid of it, your future depends on it." You immediately returned your hand to your side, feeling a small tingle spreading- comfortably.

Too comfortably for your liking.

"Thanks, seriously. I- This means a lot to me," he stuttered, smiling widely, gratefully then stared at the burner phone in his hand in contemplation.

In that smile you almost lost yourself but snapped out of it quickly, he just has a nice smile, that's all.

For a split second it reminded you of your mother's many practiced smiles, generously wide with all her pearly white teeth on display to show how harmless she is. She taught you better than to trust smiley people.

Tyler stood up from the couch and peered into your eyes, breaking your train of thought completely. "I'll see you later then?" He asked softly, the burner phone gripped tightly in his palm.

"Maybe, I'm not sure of my schedule. Another time, Galpin." You shrugged then turned to leave before he could call you.

Now that you think about it, today's been a day full of interactions between Tyler and you. You weren't sure what to feel about it.

So off you went to your room, your mind battling itself the whole way up the stairs. . . As you laid on your bed, your brain alarmed you of what would happen if Tyler were to mess up any one thing.

A clue that'd give away his location. Any word mentioning you, a technical accomplice.

You didn't trust him enough to be helping him at all.

You'd be in big trouble. Worse trouble if the police got involved. . . Mother would find out about the. . . Escaped prisoner? Guest? Visitor? It didn't really matter what to call him except that his existence right now is a secret.

One of your few secrets that had a ticking bomb.

You grabbed your phone from underneath your pillow and dialled a number you hadn't expect yourself to call in months. . . And for the person to answer instantly with a gruffy laugh.

"Well well well, if it isn't the sweet consequence of my actions."

A somber smile lifted on your face at the older voice against your ear. Looks like Tyler won't be the only person calling his father today.

"I need some help."

#tyler galpin x reader #yandere x reader #yandere male #yandere x you #yandere tyler galpin #wednesday netflix #wednesday 2022 #teresalace #dark fic #tyler galpin #I won't cry for you #tyler galpin x you #tyler galpin fanfic

[frecklystars]

OKAY.......... im gonna talk about my time at TFcon!!! This is the hardest thing I've had to do all year but it was part of my exposure therapy exercise and it was A HUGE STEP FORWARD!!! it didn't cure me of course and I'm still not touching TF for the time being, but I SURVIVED and I'm hoping that this means I am FINALLY able to take many more steps forward now!! because I did one of the hardest things ever in terms of exposure therapy this was HUGE FOR ME!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🎉🎉

I'm gonna gush mostly about the good parts like getting to meet my favorite artist (I STILL CAN'T GET OVER THAT BTW THEY WERE SO PRECIOUS) and meeting TFP Shockwave's voice actor (HE WAS SO NICE)!!!!! :D

So this started bc I offhandedly mentioned to my c-ptsd therapist/specialist that there's a TFcon happening a couple hours away and that I was so depressed about it, because I knew that if things turned out differently this year - if I had never met my abuser - I would have loved to go. It would have been a heavenly experience. It used to be my biggest source of comfort, especially for self shipping. Nothing has given me joy the way TF used to. I don't go a single day without feeling such a massive sense of loss, like a part of me is missing. So I was venting about that and it would weigh heavily on me more and more as the convention date approached closer

And my specialist said "...you should go" and I laughed. She stared at me. I paused... then said "oh, you're serious?"

I went back and forth on it for six weeks, finally I decided it would be good if I went because I literally can't make my association with TF worse at this point, and if this is supposed to help me get better, then uhhh sure I'll do it. I don't even want to hope to self ship into TF again, I'm not even dreaming that big, I just want to be able to stop flinching every time I see a goddamn fictional alien robot from the fictional planet Cybertron 😭😭 the BARE MINIMUM please lol

My specialist told me I should try to be there for 15 minutes, and if I can handle that, stretch it to 30. And I thought to myself, WOW, that seems like a lot of minutes. I can't even handle reading the word "transformers" on my worst days, or seeing a picture of a character without getting nauseous, but sure, let me go to a building full of characters... what could go wrong :)

My dad agreed to drive me and to be there with me while I'd be in the building bc he knew this was important to me. We needed to be awake by 7am bc it was a 2 and a half hour drive. I hardly slept; if I wasn't having a "F/O is trying to physically harm me" nightmare, I was stress vomiting. I kept saying "I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I have to work today, I haven't slept, I'm not going, this is so stupid of me, why do I think I can handle this??" but then I thought about how heavy my red energon necklace feels on me, how my autographs and cameos and experiences with the TF voice actors feels so numbing, how I can't even look at someone as sweet as Bumblebee without having this firm genuine belief that he'd want to kill me. and I thought about how much I hate... how different I am, how my greatest comfort was ripped away from me so violently, how I don't go a single day without crying over it -- and how I said I'd be willing to do anything, anything to change that. so I got in the car and I had my head between my knees the entire time just trying not to get sick

So we get to the building to check in our tickets, I'm seeing all of these people wearing TF cosplay and t-shirts. One person had a TFP Starscream figurine and I immediately got teary and needed to look away. A person standing in front of me in line had an Optimus backpack and I kept trying to do my grounding techniques, where i'm supposed to remind myself that I'm safe and that Optimus loves me and he wouldn't want anyone to hurt me etc etc but it's so unbelievable to me. But I had to keep repeating these dumb mantras in my head and then I hear these people behind me, talking so openly about how much they love Megatron -- and I thought to myself, that's so fucking surreal to me??? I forget what it feels like to be safe around these characters. Like, what do you mean you don't look at Megatron and think he'd kill you and do vile things to your body? What do you mean somebody didn't drill horrific thoughts into your head? Just me? I'm the only person here who genuinely, wholeheartedly believes that these characters would want to kill me? What do you mean you feel loved and safe? What does that feel like? What do you mean, you've never had someone show you repeatedly that you're so unworthy of basic respect, much less love? I don't know what safety feels like anymore. I'm never relaxed around ANY F/O now, regardless if they're TF or not. I've forgotten what it's like to be comfortable. It took me over a year to finally relax around my IRL friends that I've had for over a decade without having some sense of paranoia that I'd be betrayed (which is a c-ptsd symptom. woohoo)

So we get into the actual convention building, I immediately start getting weepy. There's, of course, robots everywhere. Posters, figurines, merch, whatever. Everywhere I turn, there's a trigger. I mean, obviously, I knew this. I was prepared. But I still felt like I was emotionally getting hit by a truck every time I turned my head. So I went to the corner of the room so I wouldn't be in anyone's way and I had to work on breathing. And I was just, crying and facing the wall, saying "dadddd there's transformers everywhere" and he smiles and says "uh yeah I'd hope so? it's the transformers convention we're not here to see a football game" LMAO

So then I just kept walking around feeling like I was gonna throw up. You gotta fake it til you make it. I just kept telling myself these characters would love me so much, even though I didn't believe it at all. We reached the back of the building where they had like... four writers and two voice actors? And I was reading the banners above the tables, and one of them said "David Sobolov: TF Prime: Shockwave; Bumblebee 2018: Blitzwing" and I was like HUH? and my dad, not knowing anything about TF, pointed at him and asked "oh is that an important guy?" I said "yeah that's a voice actor" and he said "oh that's huge! that's like a real actual voice actor? let's go say hi!" I said NOPE

Looking at the photo of Shockwave on the banner immediately made me nauseous. I was thinking, wow I'm gonna throw up right here right now on this Decepticon/Autobot-printed carpet, in front of all of these nice people who are having a good time. So I turned around and walked away, but I noticed my dad wasn't following me -- he went to David's table and he said "hey my daughter loves your work with trans... trons..." and I was like OH. NO so I speed-walked to the table and David gives me this big, friendly, sweet smile and says "hi Keri! so nice to meet you! your dad was just telling me about how you love transformers! do you like shockwave?" I smiled, lied through my fucking teeth saying "Yes. I. Love. Shockwave. :)"

And I'm seeing these pictures of Blitzwing and Bumblebee and I'm like, trying so hard not to cry in front of this very nice man who has much better things to do than talk to some messed up girl who can't look at fictional characters without thinking she's about to get sucker punched. I turned around, hoping to god someone would be standing behind me so I could tell them "hey, why don't you go first? I'm still deciding" BUT NO. NOBODY WAS THERE??? The one time I go to a convention where there's NO LINE. It's just me and David. And it was just me and David for several minutes. I should have been so overjoyed about that but I was just,,, feeling so physically ill. I kept saying to myself, when we're done with this interaction I'm leaving, we're driving home, I can't do this anymore.

And David was being so nice!!!! He was like, so smiley and joyful?? And he kept telling me fun facts about the Bumblebee movie but I don't remember ANY OF THEM because I was just nodding and smiling while thinking to myself "don't fucking throw up!!!" and then I looked at his price sheet on his table where he sells autographs and photos and stuff and I thought, oh my god I'll be so fucking rude if I don't buy something, because this dude just gave me like ten minutes of Bumblebee movie fun facts that I don't remember whatsoever. And I was stuttering so bad when I asked him to take a photo but he was so sweet about it. We took a photo... and before the photo was snapped, he used the Shockwave voice to say "Keri... you are... logical :)" and I thought to myself... oh. That... oh. I never... would have imagined Shockwave would say something like that to me. And then I felt so sad, because it's so unbelievable to me. I kept waiting for the catch, for something bad to happen - I don't even know what could have happened but I was so tense, waiting for something terrible to come.

I said thank you and we walked away. I told my dad "I'm gonna throw up" and I went to the nearest restroom and I was just, dry heaving and sweating but nothing was coming out. A few minutes afterward I walked back over to my dad and I said "okay let's leave, I'm done here, I'm DONE" and he said "it hasn't been 15 minutes yet. are you sure you want to leave" and I was like "shit!!!!!! no I paid $60 for this I'd better see this through. A few more minutes then"

So. I pass by a few booths and I'm barely glancing at them. I'm trying to breathe. I'm shaking profusely. I'm on the verge of tears. I'm not having a good time. I am full of grief. I miss these characters but I believe they'd hurt me. I miss feeling safe yet I don't remember what feeling safe used to be like. And then I see this very pink, very cute very precious shop display-- and I stopped in my tracks because OH MY GOD THAT'S MY FAVORITE ARTIST????? OUT IN THE WILD?????

My jaw was hanging open as I looked at their display. I've messaged this artist a couple of times, and they're always so sweet, and one thing in particular was that this is the first person I've ever commissioned in my life. They drew gorgeous StarKeri for me a couple of years ago. It's my favorite art I've ever received, it's so dear to me, and this person's shop is my favorite TF shop and back when I used to buy TF merch, I would buy just about every Starscream item they had every time they'd restock. so I was like... ok I can't just stand here and stare at the adorable stickers. I gotta say hi. I gotta thank them for the StarKeri bc it's so special to me. So I pointed at them and I was like "hey are you [artist]??" and they said yes and I fumbled for my phone, pulled up the StarKeri photo, I was like "YOU DREW THIS FOR ME, THANK YOU THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING" and they were like "KERI?!?!" and I was like holy shit they remember my name 😳😳 and they were like "can I give you a hug?!" I SAID OMFG YES PLEASE ILUSM 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and then we hugged and literally all of my anxiety/fear was completely thrown out the window. I felt so safe and comfortable and happy!!!! genuinely overjoyed!!!! and they were like "I'm so happy for you and Ken!!!!!!" it made my whole day sdlfkjsdlf and we chatted a little more and I kept thinking omg I can't believe this is happening. and I felt so good!!!! that whole time!!! (artist... u know who you are, if you're reading this, hi, i love u, im so happy to meet u, im going to message you when i get the free chance, you made my day ilusm. exploding into confetti as i type this)

and I was just SHAKING I was so excited to meet them. they're just as cute and sweet and precious IRL as their art is 😭😭💞💓💗💖💕💓💕 and I bought two items because I thought... it's okay... these items, these characters are Safe... because it's Theirs. I didn't wanna hold up the line so we said bye and I looked at my dad and I was like "that's my favorite artist, did you know that??? that's literally my favorite artist and they're HERE????? and we HUGGED????"

and then I realized that was the first time I smiled all day. and I felt SO GOOD, riding on that high, that excitement, and I thought -- why don't I keep looking around?? and suddenly, I wasn't flinching as much anymore. I didn't feel sick anymore. I felt... SOMEWHAT NORMAL looking at these peoples' fanart, these shops. These characters. I looked at Optimus Prime and thought, hey there's Optimus. I miss him. I saw Starscream and I said hey there's my beautiful Starlight, I miss him... and y'know what, he probably misses me too. I'd feel really sad looking at these characters sometimes but I didn't feel afraid, the fact that I could look at ANY OF THEM *AT ALL* and feel SORT OF OKAY is absolutely phenomenal. This is the first time in 14 months that I was able to look at these characters and not feel too much anxiety for a solid 30 minutes. INSANE. THAT'S INSANE FOR ME. THAT'S HUGE.

My dad said that as an early Christmas gift, he'd give me a budget of $200 and I could buy whatever merch I wanted. and I said "well that's not necessary but thanks anyways. I'm not buying anything. I'm not ready for that yet" but I kept passing by more and more shops, and I'd think "damn I would have loved that Heatwave keychain." and then I thought ... why DON'T I get that Heatwave keychain??? and one day, WHEN I heal, I'll be able to look at it again, right?? and that's insane, that in that moment I was looking at my TF F/Os with the more positive mentality of "I AM coming back to you one day" instead of "god I miss you and I'll never be the same around you again". I think hopeful is the right word. I was feeling hopeful. Hopeful!!! for the very first time!!!!!

I think I was there for about 30 more minutes, I bought a TON of stuff Heatwave, Starscream, and Knockout stuff. Stickers, keychains, plushies. I got teary when I saw Blades merch because I miss him so bad. My heart would ache every time I'd see Starscream but I kept thinking, I'm working on this, I'm coming back, I'm not letting this end, I don't care how long it takes. This is not a temporary love and we will grow as we go bc I can't imagine my life without you and all that good stuff I commissioned Steve Blum to say lmao. And then I passed by my fave artist again to tell them goodbye and I exploded with joy again. god they're so sweet 😭😭😭💞💗💗💗💖💓💓💗💗💕💕💕💖💕 I could ramble about how nice they are all day

And I was smiling, in a genuinely good mood, when we exited the artist alley, and then we passed by David's table -- NOBODY THERE AGAIN??? -- and I thought, hell, why don't I ask David for a video shoutout?? I'm feeling good!!! I'm feeling dandy!!! So I walked up to the table and he was smiling SO big, munching on peanuts or something, and he said "Keri!! hi!!!" and I said "hiiii I know I already bought something from you but can I buy something again?" and he said "aww I think I can allow it. you seem like a really nice lovely girl. I'm so sorry if I scared you before, I know I look like an intimidating guy, but I promise I'm not as scary as my characters" and I was like NOOO 😭😭 NO MR. SOLOBOV, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME. IT'S ALL ME BRO. I'M JUST AN ANXIOUS WRECK

I asked him if he does videos and he said yes and I said OKAY and he asked what I wanted and I said "um.... could you have Shockwave say something nice to me? I know he wouldn't. I know it's not like him to say nice things, but uh--" and he said "no, no problem, I can do that for you of course" so we did a video together and he had Shockwave say "Keri... Keri... you may be listening to this video on a bad day. But I want you to know... everything will be okay. Your life is going to be great, Keri. Keri... you are... logical :)" and I said "THANK YOU" and he said "YOU'RE WELCOME" with the biggest smile.

And then I bought one more plushie... a Bulkhead plushie. His little arms are sewn so they're spread out, reaching forward for a hug. I told myself, this is how I have to remember Bulkhead sees me. Bulkhead doesn't want to beat me into a pulp!!! He wants to hold me gently!!! I'm his special little star girl!!! I'm his shining star or whatever the hell he used to call me I actually forgot -- whatever, he loves me!!! He misses me!!!! And this is how I should see him, reaching out to hold me so gently!!! As every single other TF character, even the most horrible terrible villains are EXTRA SOFT and they miss me and they can't wait for me to come back home to them someday 🥺🥺🥺🥺

So we leave the building bc I had to get home in time to go to work. I was kinda of disappointed bc I started to flinch again almost immediately upon leaving. I couldn't look at my merch without feeling a little nauseous. And I was like... what the hell, wasn't I doing okay for at least 45 minutes, there? Why am I suddenly going back to square one? What happened? I told my therapist abt it the next day, and I was like "I'm so disappointed, I thought I was feeling better but now I'm back to feeling scared again? I thought this would fix me" and she was like "oh no that's not how this works. you are traumatized, it's not gonna be fixed overnight. your c-ptsd is *severe.* it's gonna take time. BUT YOU NEED TO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF BECAUSE THIS WAS HUGE. OKAY??? THIS WAS SUCH A MAJOR STEP FORWARD" and I was like "DAMN UR RIGHT. THIS WAS SO GOOD FOR ME!!!!"

I put all of my merch I purchased into the boxes in my closet, except the Bulkhead plushie, and a tiny little Starscream plush keychain i bought from my fave artist.

I've also put my Bulkhead plushie on the shelf above my computer. I feel so tense when I look at it but I'm trying to give him a hug once a day. This is so hard!!! It's so hard!!!! But I'm trying my best and I hope that if I keep working at this I'll be able to reclaim TF. I don't even dream of self shipping into that universe again, I literally just... want to feel less scared. I want to feel indifferent to the characters instead of flinching at them. And THEN from THAT point once I'm no longer scared of them, I'll be able to embrace them fully. Baby steps, baby steps -- or in this case, this was a HUGE step and!!! idk I'm so proud of myself. I DID IT. I DID THAT!!!!!!

anyway tysm to anyone who actually read this lol, you are a rock star 😎✨ and thank you so much to everyone who sent me overwhelming amounts of love and support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#woof #SORRY I DIDNT PROOF READ THIS B4 PUTTING IT INTO MY QUEUE #right now as you read this im most likely at work. yay #sorry i didnt get to messages yet either btw my spoons are so low #i havent responded to anyone in uh. uh. uh. several weeks #i still need to open my inbox too oops

[captaintiny]

honestly i get so sad when i think about the irreparable damage done to the bisexual community because of the ahistorical redefinition of what it means to be bisexual, like i spent so long thinking that i couldn't be bi because I'd been told emphatically that bisexuality didn't include trans people and that other identies focused on personality over gender/genitals where bisexuality didn't, and that's not only biphobic as hell that's also just.... wrong

to all those people out there wondering if bisexuality is for them, the definition of bisexuality has been "attraction regardless of gender" since the 1970s, there's such a wonderfully diverse and rich history of bisexuality, i promise you there is room for you in this identity and I'm so sorry other people have told you otherwise

#bisexuality #genuinely crying at 7am wow #lgbt #biphobia

[tickle-me-stoked]

Mornings Don’t Always Suck

Words: 1457

Characters: Virgil focus, Roman, Logan, and a bit of Patton.

Relationships: Any you want, but it was platonic in my head :3

Warnings: tickling, minor embarrassment, partial nudity (boy loses shirt whoops), sleepiness, restraint (he’s held down), playful use of the term ‘queer’, and I think that’s it :P

A/N: This is my first tickle fic!! I hope you all like it!!

Tagging: @cefsticklestoo 😊

It was too late to try. Virgil had yet to sleep a wink and it was already nearing eight in the morning. He groaned and snatched his currently charging phone up, checking for any notifications from his apps. Nothing. He’d only checked it a half hour ago anyway. Rolling to a sit, Virgil ruffled his hair back into place and made his way downstairs.

He noted first Patton at the dining table, always able to feel his best whether he managed to sleep much or not. Then there was Roman in the kitchen, putting together ingredients to make breakfast. He had an alarm set for 7am each day of the week; he said it kept his complexion at its best. And Logan was absent, always second to last in waking up as it took his brain longer to process his surroundings when half asleep.

“Virgil!” Roman called, thrilled to see the other side so soon. “Do you want pancakes for breakfast? Now that three of the four of us are here, I can start cooking!”

“Yeah, sure, Roman, go ahead.” He muttered, taking a seat next to Patton. He put his head on his arms and pulled out his phone. Patton had yet to greet him.

“Virgil,” he said instead, an accusatory tone to his voice. “How much did you sleep?” Virgil, slowly looked over to the fatherly trait, a single eyebrow raised.

“Okay, random, um. I,I didn’t-- how, how could you even tell?” Patton sighed and leaned forward on the table. The two hardly acknowledged the last of their group walk past to the kitchen.

“Well, for starters, you beat Logan to the table. Secondly, you didn’t even grab any coffee. Third, you’re in the same clothes from yesterday!” Virgil looked down and noticed it was all true. Logan was at the counter, drinking the coffee that he neglected to grab for himself and he had, in fact, not changed his clothes since the previous day. He groaned.

“Alright, yeah, you got me.” He dropped his head back to the table and stared ahead at nothing. A few moments passed, and Logan and Roman began to carry in their food and get the table all set with what they needed: sliced fruits, spreads, and drinks to accommodate their meal.

The group ate their breakfast as normal, Roman doing most of the talking, specifically about dreams he’d had and ideas they’d given him, with the others adding in their input and commentary as necessary. Virgil cleaned his dishes and helped the others with the rest. Just as he was headed for the stairs to try and relax some, Logan took his hand.

“Virgil, I’d like to try something, if you’d be willing to help me out?” He asked, looking slightly hopeful and… giddy? Virgil, furrowed his brows and agreed, really just to put off trying to sleep some more. “Great. Okay, take off your shirt and lay on the floor.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Logan blinked.

“It’s just, it’s easier that way. For this to work, it’s best to have minimal obstacles.” Virgil took a deep breath and did as he asked, not feeling very anxious at the moment. Instead, he felt rather calm and was willing, excited even, to do things with the others. Even if ‘others’ meant only one ‘other’. Perhaps Roman and Patton would join in a bit. Who knows?

VIrgil removed his sweater and his long-sleeve, and lay on his back on the floor, folding his arms across his chest.

“Okay, I’m cold and exposed. Now what?” Logan knelt beside him, wearing a content smile.

“Close your eyes.” Virgil glared. “I promise not to do anything queer.” The halfnaked man on the ground shut his eyes and muttered under his breath.

“You’re queer.” He felt Logan reach for and grab his arms, gently moving them down to his sides. The calm touches already made him feel more relaxed.

A sudden tingle slashed through his stomach, causing him to jolt and sputter, rolling to the side and covering the spot that got shocked.

“Whoa, hey, what was that for?!”

“Virgil, I promise you, it’s fine. It’s just part of the test.”

“Yeah, one to make me squeal like a child?” Virgil sat up and guarded his midsection. “Jeez, ask a guy if he’s ticklish first next time.” The last thing Virgil needed on zero sleep was someone finding out his weakness and proceeding to use it against him.

“Are you ticklish?”

“Obviously!”

“Ladies, ladies, what is happening here?” Roman interrupted, standing behind VIrgil with his hands on his hips.

“Perfect! Roman, could you lend me a hand?” Logan said, beaming, his one hand flapping outwardly. Roman turned his gaze to Logan, curiosity taking hold. “Could you hold his arms for me? Gently, though.”

“What? No!” Virgil moved to his feet to try and escape the situation. However, Roman took his chance and snagged the emo, trapping his arms at his sides. Roman linked his hands together, keeping Virgil entirely stuck. “Roman, I swear to goOHOHOHOHOD!” His voice raised into a cry as his stomach was prodded again, this time at a quicker rate. “STOP STOP STAHAHAHAHAP AHAHAHAHA!” He squealed, laughing and kicking and tensing. “WHAHAHAHAHY?”

“Why?” Logan said, speaking loudly for Virgil to hear over his own hysterics. Logan took his hands back for a minute, giving him a break to not overwhelm him. “Because. It’s all part of the test.”

What tehehest? What’s this for?” While he seemed upset before the tickling had officially started, he continued to smile even when he stopped giggling. He rested his weight against Roman, but his feet continued to move, the sudden adrenaline leading an outlet.

“I’ve read that being tickled can tire a person out, enough so that they’re able to fall asleep soon after. So? Did it work?”

“I’m not sure that was nearly enough tickling, my brainiac,” Roman cut in, smirking down at the side in his arms. “He seems to still have some energy.” Logan nodded. Virgil dropped his head backwards onto Roman’s shoulder, feigning defeat. “Wow, not even fighting it anymore? If I didn’t know better, I would assume you don’t mind this experiment thing.” Virgil’s head flew back upright.

“What gives you that idea?!” Their eyes turned to logical trait.

“Do you wish that I stop? We can call it off here, if you would prefer.” Virgil found himself between a rock and a hard place. He could keep up his deniability and agree to be let go, or he could admit to liking being tickled and have both fun and maybe even get some decent sleep. However, his hesitancy to respond gave the two enough of an answer.

Without another word Logan reached back up, this time dragging light finger-touches across the neck, beneath the jaw and down to the shoulder. VIrgil squirmed and huffed, trying to catch the hands under his head in reaction to stop the sensations. He squeaked as it failed, the hands trailing down to his collarbone, then to his pectorals, and scratching across his ribs. His body twisted as much as it could in Roman’s grasp. Logan’s tickling increased as the creative aspect began to blow on his skin, the breeze blowing against the hairs on his neck. He let out giggles and gasps, squirming and kicking lightly.

“So he likes it!” Roman cheered, genuinely happy with the discovery. Virgil felt the sudden want to disappear.

“I dohoho nohohohohot!” He said, unable to contain himself in the slightest. He was also sure that lying would be no use, but his instinct was to protect this not-so-secret secret for as long as possible.

Logan, however, decided that it was enough for now and let the soft tickles drift into nothing, Roman following his lead. Virgil slowly stood back up, wiping his eyes and rubbing against the remaining sensations, still chuckling lightly.

“So, Virgil?” Roman teased, leaning in and resting his chin on the lee’s shoulder. “You like to be tickled, hm?” Virgil’s face tinted red as he looked sheepishly the other way.

“It’s, I mean, I wouldn’t, I, I wouldn’t exactly, um,”

“Ha! That’s great, Virge!” Roman threw his arms around him and nuzzled his face with his own.

“Yeah, yeah, get off me.” Virgil felt as though he would regret it later, but at the moment, he wasn’t too self-conscious.

“How do you feel, Virgil?” Logan said, smiling in a kindhearted way.

“I’m a little more tired now, but it was still, it was still kinda, kinda fun. Thanks, Lo—“

“VIRGIL!” And with a shout, Virgil found himself lying on the ground, a giddy Patton over him, and beginning to laugh his ass off as he was tickled, this time mercilessly, by the fatherly trait.

#sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #tickling #tickle fic #my fic

[vyther16]

Hii!! Loving your fic. Also loved the last meta I have just read about yby and romantic feeling. As you have mentioned Teng zijing there, why do you think Yby was pissed off at FX for supposedly killing Teng zijing, pissed enough to pull out his sword at him? He also said, zijing didn't dserve to die. what do you make of that statement? Yby seemd like a man who would think Daqing's dirty politics is worthier than anyone's life. Was it becoz his whole high profile life has fallen apart for him?

Hello!! I'm glad you're enjoying my fic! And I'm glad you enjoyed my 1000+ word projection meta lol. I spent far too much time on that.

I had to go back and watch all of Teng Zijing’s early scenes, as well as Yan Bingyun’s first scene to answer this, because it’s been so long since I watched the earlier parts of the show. I’ve been mostly focused on the BeiQi arc because half of my favorite characters are from that arc, and Breathe au and the meta asks I’ve been getting deal mostly with those characters. So, I uh, I spent most of my weekend crying over Teng Zijing (and homework, but that’s beside the point.)

Now, to the meta:

So, the doylist answers to your questions first because I need to get my rambling thoughts in order for the watsonian answers:

1.why do you think Yby was pissed off at FX for supposedly killing Teng zijing, pissed enough to pull out his sword at him?

I think it was mostly a plot device to quickly introduce a character that we aren’t supposed to think about again for twenty or so eps, and also to help show how badass Fei Jie actually is, because we’ve only seen a goofy, mostly non-threatening side of Fei Jie so far and having all the men be afraid of him just showcases how powerful the man really is. (sorry, i just rewatched ep 1 lol)

 2. He also said, zijing didn't dserve to die. what do you make of that statement?

I think yby saying that was mostly intended just to help us as viewers like teng zijing a little more and help solidify tzj as an important, honest character. I don’t think it was supposed to have any bearing on yby’s characterization tbh

3.Yby seemd like a man who would think Daqing's dirty politics is worthier than anyone's life. Was it becoz his whole high profile life has fallen apart for him?

I have no doylist answer to this question, just watsonian ones, so, more under the cut.

I’m unseparating the questions now because my watsonian answer is rambly and circles back and around to the different questions

Alright, this is deep into headcanon territory because, uh, these two characters never interact in the show, but I think that Yan Bingyun and Teng Zijing were as close to friends as Bingyun would allow himself. Like, I won’t go so far as to say they were bffs, because they most definitely were not, but they definitely had a slightly closer relationship than strictly perfection. (That sounds like they hooked up but i can assure you they did not. Teng Zijing is a devoted husband and yby has a hang-up or two about sex and attatchment. And tzj is firmly uninterested in teenagers anyway.)

I don’t think that they started off on the right foot, because Yan Bingyun is a teenager raised in a cult who has a position of relative power in said cult, and Teng Zijing is newly married man who is being blackmailed into working for said cult through the use of threats towards his newborn son and newlywed wife. Teng Zijing has a lot of (justified) anger at Overwatch, and Yan Bingyun would represent the corruption he sees in the system. (Because yby does represent the corruption in the system, to a much further extent than tzj would be able to see.)

Yan Bingyun wouldn’t have liked tzj at first because Teng Zijing is remarkably normal and well-adjusted, and that would have been so so strange to yby because tzj is not a diehard Everything is for DaQing overwatch member. He’s putting in enough effort that they don’t kill his family, and Yan Bingyun just fundamentally wouldn’t understand that. Yan Bingyun was raised that Everything is for DaQing, even his life should the mission require it. Yan Bingyun’s self is not his own. His life is for the state cause. “[Yan Bingyun’s] life is a coin to be spent by the state of Qing however the emperor likes, and he’s accepted this,” (x)(I’m quoting hunxi-guilai’s meta yet again bc it’s so good and fundamental to my understanding of yby) 

But I think as they spent more time together (which they would have had to, given that they were colleagues, and Overwatch isn’t necessarily just a day job), Tang Zijing starts to realize that, ‘hey, this is a 16 year old boy who has been basically brainwashed his whole life. Until I can get the fuck out of this hell hole, I ought to do something to teach him that this isn’t all there is to life.’ (if he can’t parent his own son, he’ll parent someone else's until he can.) He does his missions, makes himself invaluable to yby, and tries to subtly knock some sense into him. It almost works, but yby also has Yan Ruohai and Chen Pingping (and Zhu Ge tbh) whispering in his ears and keeping him blindly, suicidally loyal to Qing.

And then Teng Zijing receives the fake orders to go kill Fan Xian, and then the orders are fake, and Yan Bingyun is made to take the fall because Chen Pingping has been planning this since he took Xiao En’s baby grandson 20 years ago. Teng Zijing sees the perfect opportunity to get out of Overwatch and has Fan Xian fake his death. And Yan Bingyun loses the one person who has been consistently a good subordinate and a good acquaintance. (Yby is not emotionally capable of friends yet okay?)

And immediately after losing that, he is told that he is going to BeiQi, for failing to train his men well enough to spot a fake order. So yes, I think he’s a little pissed that his entire fancy life is falling down around him, but that’s not, I think, what led him to point a sword at Fan Xian. In my hc, he genuinely did not think tzj deserved to die, and he was avenging his trusted subordinate in the only way he knew how. And while, yes, I do think yby would think that daqing politics are more important than people’s lives, i don’t think he’d appreciate a death that has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with personal grudges. As far as Yan Bingyun knows, Fan Xian killed Teng Zijing in cold blood, after it came through that he was just following orders, and according to Yan Bingyun’s view of life, if it’s done under orders, you are not responsible for it. They were orders, and they were meant to be obeyed.

it took me nearly a thousand words to get to the point where i could actually answer your questions anon wow. That’s very typical of me isn’t it. Anyway, I’m tossing this to void without editing because it’s 9pm and I have class at 7am tomorrow and need to pull everything together. (weather permitting because it is icy af rn

#asks #anon #joy of life #qing yu nian #yan bingyun #teng zijing #meta #watch me fluctuate wildly between using full names initials and personal names for the characters #also watch me forget what the hell a capital letter is unless it's for ~dramatic effect~ or a name #and even then not always #i edit the hell out of my fics so that my dumb typing stuff gets fixed bc if i don't all my fics would look like my metas #and no one wants to read a fic with weird capitalization #at least i don't but maybe one of you all do idk #sorry about the editing today anon

[clcvers]

who: evelyn & clover (@yundays) what: a discord thread when: friday, october 2nd (the night before the festival) where: some trendy club in brooklyn

evelyn: the night started very similarly to how every friday night goes for evelyn — pregaming on alcohol and drugs for two hours straight and not heading to the club until right before midnight. but this time felt more special as clover joined her, an event that only happens a few times a month due to conflicting schedules. and honestly, she was going to need her best friend and their shenanigans if she was going to get through this all nighter. after all, there was no way she was going to sleep before her 7am shift. it just didn’t make sense. admittedly, maybe things felt a little blurry as she arrived to the club, but it was almost like everything came into hyper focus as she stumbled on to the dancefloor, the neon lights and sharp snares electrifying her right down to her bones. evelyn instantly turns to the other woman already raising her arms in the air and dancing, shoulders and hips moving in tandem to the beat. ❝ oh my god, clover. the music… it’s like in my fingertips, wow… ❞ she releases a giggle at that, fingertips gently touching her own face. and for some reason, in that moment, it’s like she had the greatest epiphany ever. ❝ i literally love you. i’m like… so glad you’re here with me, clove. ❞ she says, bringing her into an embrace and swaying the two of them together.

clover: it had been ages since clover had been in the middle of a sweaty, crowded club instead of staring down at one from the dj platform. something about being out with evelyn made it feel even more right. she hadn't seen her best friend in what felt like months, and getting to dance with her again tonight felt almost euphoric. she'd be lying if she said that she wasn't disappointed that she hadn't pregamed as intensely as evelyn, but it wasn't hard for her to track down her old dealer for some molly. back in the day, one little pill would hardly have an effect on her, but outside of the occasional joint, it'd been almost two years since she'd touched anything. it was just one pill, she figured, how bad could it be ? besides, it was a special occasion. when evelyn's giggling starts to echo in her ear, she knows that something's happening. looking back at her friend, she can hardly bring herself to do anything but smile. ❝ i can't feel my face ! ❞ she exclaims, letting out a breathy laugh as evelyn pulls her close. ❝ dude... you're like my best friend. have i ever told you that you're like... my best fucking friend? ❞mall>

evelyn: ❝ clover, i am literally so honored i can cry. ❞ and for a moment, it’s almost like she is going to as her eyes water up slightly. though, it could be partially due to the smoke machine, if anything. ❝ you’re going to like, make me cry… in the club. ❞ realizing she just quoted a meme, any tears that might’ve welled up in her eyes quickly dissipate as she begins laughing into clover’s shoulder. she eventually does pull away, though, feeling as though the music itself is behind the wheel as she closes her eyes and lets the euphoric beats and her best friend’s voice guide her. jumping to the rhythm, a large smile appears on her face as she reopens her eyes, elated to see that her friend’s face is still there, the drugs making it seem like her face is closer than it actually is. the image makes her laugh as she peers past her friend’s shoulder, looking into the abyss of neon-lit moving bodies as her vision becomes a bit wavy. ❝ um… i’m going to like… go on a limb here and say like, i think the drugs are kicking in. ❞ she giggles at her state, acutely aware of just how fucked up she is, the experience feeling more fun and fantastical than scary.

clover: as she moves to the music, clover leans into evelyn and laughs along with her, losing herself in the moment shared between them. when evelyn pulls away, clover can feel the heat rising in her body, propelling her to move in sync with the music as she begins to lose herself in the crowd. evelyn's voice brings her back into reality and she slowly floats back to their position in the crowd. ❝ you and me both, ❞ she says dreamily, closing her eyes as she sways to the melody. ❝ i feel like i'm a mermaid right now. ❞ her realization makes her giggle and she quickly inches closer to evelyn to embrace her once again. ❝ i'm really happy these days, you know? ❞

evelyn: evelyn’s giggle reflects her friend’s own as she welcomes the embrace and sways the two of them once more. ❝ you literally look so happy, clover, i just knew it... i’m like so happy for you and your best life, wow. ❞ she scream-whispers into her ear over the loud bass as she brings them back to arm’s length and continues dancing in this form, truly just vibing. ❝ oh my god, should we like, get drinks? ❞ the realization brings her hands to her mouth in exaggerated shock, genuinely shocked they haven’t made a b-line to the bar immediately. “yeah, i think we are gonna need drinks like… asap.” she restates, as she glances back trying to remember where it was in the cloudy haze of her intoxicated state. taking clover’s hands and resting them on her own shoulders, she congo-dances her way out of the crowd, hoping that going against the current of the crowd will lead her to the pot of gold that was the bar counter. eventually it does and after getting the bartender’s attention by leaning in and shouting, he comes over. ❝ hi, so i’m going to need a gin and tonic and… bitch, what are you feeling right now? ❞ she turns to the other, asking the question in her ear.

clover: the mention of drinks awakens her from her dreamy state, and she follows closely behind evelyn as they make their way through the crowd. ❝ let's run up the tab, ❞ she giggles as they finally reach the bar. her hands are still perched on evelyn's shoulders as she inches closer to the counter to shout her order to the bartender.  ❝ i'll take a jack and coke. ❞ as the bartender disappears to fetch their drinks, she leans her back against the counter comfortably before looking back at her friend. ❝ i swear, this is like, the best night ever. ❞

evelyn: evelyn hands the bartender her card as the drinks appear in front of them, passing it to her best friend. ❝ clink, clink, bitch. ❞ she brings her glass to meet the other’s own, smirking at its rim before taking a long sip, the liquid going down like it was water for the woman. ❝ oh my god, like, to be honest though… it literally is, wow. ❞ she giggles into her glass, instinctually taking yet another sip. ❝ honestly like these past few weekends have been so lame, no joke… it was missing clover magic, like it’s been soooo long, what the fuck. ❞

clover: ❝ remind me to venmo you later, ❞ clover whispers loudly to her friend, taking the glass from her before clinking it against hers. ❝ cheers, bitch! ❞ she yells excitedly, almost downing her drink in one sip. ❝ you think i'm magic? ❞ she practically gasps, looking at her best friend with gleaming eyes. ❝ you're so fucking cute, evie! ❞

30 MINUTES LATER

evelyn: returning back to the dancefloor, evelyn is genuinely enjoying herself as she takes the last sip of her drink, already eyeing a few people — with a few returning the glance. she brings her attention back to her best friend but keeps her gaze on someone else across the room as she chuckles to herself. ❝ oh my god, okay, clover fucking slap me if i try to go home with someone tonight okay. like… you have my permission. my cheek can take it, okay. ❞ she slurs into clover’s ear, bringing a hand to her face, the memories of awful drunken hookups coming to mind.

clover: when the two finally make their way back onto the dancefloor, clover could be less preoccupied with the people dancing around them. she's too busy having the time of her life with her best friend and vibing to one of the best sets they'd ever been to together. so when evelyn all of a sudden gives her permission to get violent with her if she tries to get laid, she's taken aback. ❝ girl, ❞ she says, her voice raising in pitch from all of the liquor she's had. ❝ you know i'm not one to judge, but i lowkey hate how you'll just sleep with anyone when you're drunk enough. ❞ clover laughs tipsily as she pulls away from evelyn, shaking her head a bit as she remembers all of the stories they'd exchanged about their drunken hookups.

evelyn: ❝ oh my god, i know it’s seriously soooo bad. ❞ evelyn chuckles into her hand, flushing from embarrassment and as the alcohol digests further and further into her system. ❝ ugh, i’ll never forget how fucking messy my birthday was. like... i woke up to dylan of all people, oh god. ❞ she groans at the memory, rubbing her eyes as her intoxicated state only increases from here. as it does, the dj moves gracefully into the next song, causing evelyn to drop her jaw at the selection. ❝ fuck, this song is sooo beautiful, clover, wow… i might cry. ❞

clover: the song changes before clover has time to respond to what her friend says, and with the whiskey and molly clouding her thoughts, it takes her a moment to process what evelyn even means. she'd left early with one of evelyn's friends on the night of her birthday, and come to think of it, she'd never actually heard how the rest of evelyn's night went. ❝ wait, ❞ she pauses, turning to her friend as she leans in to speak to her. ❝ why did you wake up next to dylan? ❞ the thought of them together feels unnatural to her, but she can't think of another explanation as to why she would say such a thing. ❝ you didn't... ❞ she pleads, trailing off as tears begin to stream slowly down her face, hoping that this was all some big misunderstanding. ❝ evie, ❞ she says forcefully, grasping evelyn's wrist, ❝ tell me you didn't. ❞

evelyn: ❝ ow, that hurts… ❞ evelyn pouts, eyebrows stringing together as her gaze lingers a little too long on her friend’s grip on her wrist. ❝ what didn’t i do? ❞ she eventually asks, already forgetting the words coming out of her lips as soon as she says them. noticing her best friend’s tears though makes her heart drop nonetheless, believing it has to be because the song playing feels so visceral. ❝ oh god, clover please don’t cry… the song is almost over. i think so. should we ask him? ❞ she proposes, glancing back to the dj stand, and deciding internally that it’s much too far away and she’s honestly much too lazy.

clover: clover hadn't realized that she was applying pressure on evelyn's wrist until she cries out, and she lets go as she turns back to look evelyn in the eyes. ❝ what didn't you do? ❞ she repeats furiously as more tears begin to cloud her vision. ❝ what the fuck is wrong with you? ❞ the room suddenly starts to spin around her as she backs away from evelyn, disgusted at her nonchalant attitude. the admission alone was enough to send her spiraling, but the lack of compassion evelyn had for her — her supposed best friend — made her even more on edge. ❝ I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE FUCKING SONG! ❞ she screams as the tears fogging her eyes finally fall and smudge her heavy eyeliner. ❝ i can't believe you would do this to me. ❞ she almost chokes on her words as she sobs, walking straight through the crowd and hoping evelyn doesn't catch up to her.

evelyn: as soon as evelyn saw clover get worked up, she can feel her chest clenching, doing her best to focus on hanging on to reality just a little bit longer to see what was happening with her best friend. before she realizes it, clover is leaving and all she can do is follow after her. ❝ clover, wait. clover… ❞ she calls after her, worming through the crowd to catch up. ❝ where are you going? did i do something wrong? i didn’t mean it, i promise. ❞ she says more out of a knee jerk than sincerity, still trying to catch up with what exactly was going on.

clover: she doesn't wait for evelyn to catch up with her, but when she hears her voice calling out, she can feel her eyes welling up again. ❝ did you do something wrong? ❞ clover scoffs as she stops in front of the bar, turning towards evelyn as they meet face to face again. ❝ you slept with dylan when you knew that i liked him! ❞ her face heats up as she speaks, swallowing what was left of her pride after she sobbed in the middle of the club. ❝ you are un-fucking-believable, ❞ she says as her jaw tightens and her fists clench. ❝ you know what? i hate you. ❞

evelyn: evelyn’s heart drops at clover’s declaration of hate, feeling her sense of reality slip from her consciousness, growing more and more spaced out as the tremendous guilt and intoxication pull her down. ❝ no, no, no clover, please. it wasn’t like that, i don’t like him, i promise. fuck, please, please don’t hate me, clover. i’m so sorry, fuck. ❞ and it all leaves her lips as a slippery, slur-induced rambling mess because all she knows is she’s fucked up, the one thing she never wanted her to know coming out and now she’s feeling like she’s losing it all rapidly. as it all crashes down, all she could do is plead as she feels her breathing speeding up.

clover: all clover can do as her best friend pleads with her is sob. she never imagined that evelyn would be capable of betraying her — especially after she had been so supportive when it seemed like she and dylan had finally made some progress after all these years. she can feel her chest heaving as she looks back at her former best friend, shaking her head at her empty words. ❝ don't ever speak to me again, ❞ she manages to say, her words slurring through her tears. turning away from evelyn, she stumbles through the crowd to get some fresh air. all she wants to do is go home.

#𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧’𝐭 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝒄𝒍𝒊𝒒𝒖𝒆 ▸ threads. #𝒇𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 ▸ evelyn.

[ksjknj]

[1] I know you've been busy lately but I'll just cry in your inbox, hope you don't mind (much). I just saw RM latest vlive and I really can't control my emotions right now (and you are the go to blog for rm/jin feels overload). It started so cute: he all excited talking about his trip in europe, what he saw and what he learned and how cool and beautiful everything was, i could watch him ramble about such things forever!

[2] Than Jimin and Hoseok crashing in, but he has nothing but patience and love for them and is supportive even and encourages the members like always! Then the talk about AMAs, JKL and Ellen and how he can take all the pressure so the others can have fun!?! HOW? HOW IS HE REAL? He is so precious and caring and strong and sensitive and ambitious and he deserves the world! and all the love!

[3] I’m sure the other members got his back! They are ONE team, they got there together and they will pull through together too! I just hope everything will run smoothly in the US and that he won’t have any regrets or blames himself for whatever, because he just out there trying his f*cking best and gives it his all and we don’t deserve him but here he is showering us in his love ;;

[4] P.S.: Namjoon jamming to Earth, Wind & Fire made my entire week!! ♥

I DO NOT MIND IN THE SLIGHTEST!! i absolutely love hearing your thoughts and discussing things i mean .. ..yknow me, i never shut up

(also me being the go to blog for namjin related stuff’?? i’m so flattered WOW?)

BUT!!! YES LET’S TALK ABOUT HIS LIVE i rewatched it with subs this morning anD I CRIED like.. when he talked about the roads in italy and how he was scared cos everything was so narrow and then described the city and the mountains in relation to the sea??? lisTEN HE COULD GO ON FOREVER AND I’D LOVE IT just like you said!!! idk there’s just…. something about how he describes things? how he perceives them? it’s magical

him talking about his mum scolding him n then about his dad taking his side (while wearing that tiny fond smile!!!) + talking about lemons (‘no, not rapmon’) was so so cute

n i just wanna add that i was extremely impressed by his memory? we all know of his high iq and him being a literal genius but i personally never saw him do anything that would blow me away and remind me of it.. but him listing the names of the cities one after the other and then retelling the stories that greg told him (how he first called him greg-hyung but then changed his mind?? and called him mr greg and then giggled?? whAT THE FUCK that was so cute) like.. he remembers EVERYTHING. idk it just hit me hard but maybe i’m the only one

LMAO i know!!! how he sighed when jihope left the studio and said they were being too loud but still sounded super fond and asked us to give them love and attention … he loves them so much it’s insane

don’t get me started on him talking about their upcoming activities in the us.. ‘are you excited to perform at the amas? HELL YEA!! so excited’ was the cutest fucking thing and seeing him so happy and genuinely still unable to believe it (he said he tried imagining them with ellen and just couldn’t picture it) made me want to work even harder to get them even more love and recognition cos they honestly deserve all of it. the fact is there’s going to be a lot of pressure but i know he’s able to handle it all + his attitude towards worrying and being nervous is a really positive one so i’m sure he’ll be fine

(+like you said - they’re one team and they’re gonna be great)

uhh basically i could go on and on about this… .like i said, you know me.. endless train of thought when it comes to namjoon …. but he really is so selfless and is always ready to take it all onto himself just to make sure the boys are comfortable and relaxed

his dancing around the room tho…. . it was 7am and i was smiling like a fool watching that video it’s just……. him saying he always does that in the studio made me so happy? i couldn’t stop smiling, he’s truly an angel

#long post #like an extra long post cos i'm a fucking idiot who's whipped for kim namjoon and cannot shut up ever #i'm so sorry ahsjdj it just came out i could continue i could go on but it's already too long.. i love him a lot #the funny thing is i was feeling really sick when i woke up and couldn't go back to sleep and then watching his live made me feel better #ask #anon

[flickertours]

.

#i just woke up so anxious today #like im genuinely about to cry im so scared to leave my bed and idk why #it’s only 7am and im already a mess wow I Love That For Me

[crystallinetides]

So I was tagged by @just-plain-aiden to do a tag thingy!!! I don't really care about the rules but I love these things so I'mma do it anyway

LAST:

[1] drink: water, bc I'm basic like that

2] phone call: like, one I answered? shit man, idk. The most recent call to my phone was for a bill tho

[3] text message: My Tumblr auth code

[4] song you listened to: "Tous les Memes" by Stromae (the last English song I listened to was "Guillotine"...)

[5] time you cried: not recently enough my friend

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: yes, bad idea, 0/10 would not recommend

[7] been cheated on: .... no?

[8] kissed someone and regretted it:  yeah x.x

[9] lost someone special: yeah, my grandmother

[10] been depressed: it's p much a constant thing now???

11] gotten drunk and thrown up: it is not fun

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

[12] blue!!!!!!

[13] purple

[14] mint! (that weird green/blue bullshit color)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends:  oui

[16] fallen out of love: DAMN RIGHT, FUCKIN FREEEEEEE

[17] laughed until you cried: yes. actually I think that has happened more recently than actual crying

[18] found out someone was talking about you: idk???

[19] met someone who changed you: I don't think so?

20] found out who your true friends are: already knew, bruh

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: yes, actually

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: like... all of them? I think that maybe 2% of my friends I don't actually know

[23] do you have any pets: three dogs, Charlie, Taz, and Flea Biscuit; three cats, Ivory, Tubbs, and Spooky

[24] do you want to change your name: nah. I use Crys online, that's good enough for me. although I went through a phase where I REALLY wanted to change my last name bc it's gross 

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: GOT TURNT and by turnt I mean I had a single drink at dinner and that's about it OH I WENT ICE SKATING

[26] what time did you wake up: WHOO BOY I have not slept since I woke up at 7AM Friday morning (it is currently 12:29AM Sunday...)

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: I was at work!

[28] name something you cannot wait for: part of me wants to say the Sweet Embrace of Death but I'm really just ready to go to medical school like fuck this

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: Thursday??? I think???

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my propensity for procrastination

[31] what are you listening to right now: the various beeps of a hospital (Guillotine is stuck in my head on repeat)

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: ... I don't think I have

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: my roots showing through the hair dye

[34] most visited website: this hellhole of a website (I use Instagram a lot more now???)

[35] elementary: I am unsure of the question??? Did I go to elementary school, is that the question? I assume so. Yes, I did. I loved it.

[36] high school: literally fuck high school

[37] college: GRADUATING THIS YEAR BRUH

[38] hair color: dark brown with red, but right now it's bright ass pink

[39] long or short hair: I got short hair bruh, easier to deal with

[40] do you have a crush on someone: nah, relationships scare me rn

[41] what do you like about yourself?: my eye color??? my ear for tone???

[42] piercings: I have two holes in each ear lobe and one in my cartilage

[43] blood type: A positive!

[44] nickname: Crys on here, but irl it's Brie like the goddamn cheese

[45] relationship status: single Pringle

[46] zodiac sign: Aquarius~

[47] pronouns: she/her

[48] fav tv show: this is not a fair question bc it changes; I am currently in Voltron hell, but FMA: B will always be my Number One anime

[49] tattoos: lmao I have five; one that is half of the phrase "Together forever, never apart; maybe in distance, but never in heart" (my sister has the first half, I have the second); the second is a watercolor style pink ribbon; the third is a Celtic knot for sisterhood; the fourth is a tree of life with a DNA trunk and birds in it; the fifth is a line from "Iridescent" by Linkin Park. I also have a teeny star on the inside of my wrist

oh lol and I have a plan to get two more in April at least

[50] right or left handed: right handed, but I play saxophone and am learning to play guitar and that's basically like being ambidextrous right

FIRST…

[51] surgery: wisdom teeth removal!

[52] piercing: my ears when I was like 7

[53] best friend : a girl in 1st grade that I don't talk to anymore

[54] sport: marching band bro. fight me

[55] vacation: Florida for family visits; my first out of country visit was Mexico

[56] pair of trainers: ... like, sneakers? shit man idk that was so long ago

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nothing, unfortunately. might heat up some pizza.

[58] drinking: water

[59] i’m about to: actually focus on my job 

60] listening to: nothing

[61] waiting for: a chance to sleep properly, I am so tired 

[62] want: sleep for a week and binge watch anime

[63] get married: I am nowhere near ready for that. maybe???

64] career: Im gonna be some sort of surgeon. thinking orthopedic.

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs. give me all the cuddles.

[66] lips or eyes: eyes.

[67] shorter or taller: I prefer taller

[68] older or younger: I don't really care???

[69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic. I need structure in my life

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms, I think.

[71] sensitive or loud: ???? I have no clue

[72] hook up or relationship: at this point, neither. but if I had to choose, hookup. relationships are scary

73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant. think that shit through

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? nah

[75] drank hard liquor? lmao its pretty much all I drink

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? so many contacts have been lost to the Void

[77] turned someone down: yup

[78] sex on first date? definitely not for me

[79] broken someone’s heart? depends on who you ask

[80] had your own heart broken? yeah, wont make that mistake again

81] been arrested? no but I have had a parking ticket, I'm so awful I know

[82] cried when someone died? yup

[83] fallen for a friend: yeah

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? I WILL BECOME HOKAGE (genuinely idk)

[85] miracles? okay the fact that we exist at all and can mount an immune response to literally any organic molecule is a miracle and I will fight anyone who says otherwise

[86] love at first sight? nah

[87] santa claus? hes clearly real 

[88] kiss on the first date? if you like em, why not???

[89] angels? .... meeehhh TECHNICALLY yes bc im hard polytheist....

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: Mikaela and Erin <3

[91] eye colour: grey!!! fuck u theyre not blue or green

[92] favourite movie: Spirited Away probably

wow this took longer than expected

anyway now you know how lame I am even tho only ONE of you asked <3

if you do this, send me a link bc I'm nosy

#crys talks #long post #text

[rezilient-m3]

So, this past weekend I had my first scheduled, court ordered visit with my daughters. The last time I've seen them was Feb 2019 and last time I spoke to them was April 10th. I can say, though, that they seemed to have a genuinely good time here and didn't want to leave. That made me super happy. Plus, Alex came home for the weekend and they all got along too. I was worried a bit. But, all of us together worked. Our son loved having them here and to play with. I loved it.

This post is about what I've been through with James about the whole situation. It was impossible. I'll go back to Friday morning. He called me at 7am, so I knew right away he was drinking. That was a piss off. The court order was to meet in another city at 5pm Friday and take them back Sunday at 5pm. I knew it wasn't going to happen if it was up to him. I stayed on the phone for 3 hrs with him. I didn't want to lose the chance of not getting my visit, so I thought somehow, staying on the phone with him would help that? Idk whatever. It was 3 hrs of bitching about his gf. She kicked him out again, threatened to call the cops and blah, blah, blah. It was also him blaming me for EVERYTHING. Like, why did I leave him for Alex, or why did I "grow up" for Alex and not him, or why am I living in a house that's not mine? It was all senseless BS. But I didn't argue; I held my tongue. He tried to ask me to wait until the next morning to get my girls, then I can have them until Mon or Tues. I said no, it was my time with them and nobody was going to stop me.

He ended up going to his step dads, left me on the phone for a minute and I finally hung up. Now, I immediately contact my lawyer. Then, I called the family services they have on that reserve. On call worker told me she couldn't help because it was a court order not from anyone involving them, so it's out of her jurisdiction and said maybe try the cops. I call them. Talked to an officer and explained my situation. Girl's were at their house, with the gf, her kids and possibly other people drinking and their dad was at his dads. He said he couldn't just go in there and remove my kids because my order isn't "police enforced." But he offered to escort me to the house at about 430, just to "keep the peace". Whatever, that was fine. He called me back half hour later and said he was going to go check at the house, just to be sure everyone was okay. That was great I said.

I waiting over an hour and a half for that call back. I was worried. But here's what happened: they were found alone. There was 3 of our daughters, 2 of the gf's, one was the 7 month old baby they just had. So, my oldest is 9 (10 in 2 weeks) and her daughter is 10. Still not old enough to be old enough to watch a small baby. So cop said he was contacting family services to report everything. Apparently the gf got ahold of her ex MIL to go get the kids, so that's where I had to go get them. I showed up there at 3 ish.

I was so happy to finally see them.! But when they walked out that door I noticed how infested they were with lice... like caked.! The two youngest had it so bad they had their scalps covered in scabs. I was so mad. But I didn't say anything. The two youngest were also in winter boots lol. We were all happy anyways. When we pulled into my town I took them straight to the pharmacy to go ask what the pharmacist would recommend to help their scalp. She said, at first glance, it looked like it was from lice. I said, yes there's a lot. So, I bought 5 boxes (not cheap) and a fine comb. I was ready to spend hours in their hair. And that's exactly what i did, that night until 1am, and again all next morning Saturday until like 7 that evening. I can say they're not fully cleaned out but holee, there was a big difference in how their scalps looked and felt. My poor girls. Their fucken dad's excuse was allergies; they were allergic to shampoo. Bull fucking shit.

Anywhoo, next day is Sunday, the day they're supposed to go home. I contacted family services again and see what they planned on doing. She didn't really have a clue, but said she was going to forward all her notes to the office Monday and it was all up to her supervisor. But I told her I didn't feel comfortable about taking them back to that house. She understood. She advised me that I should keep them with me. She's also informed me that their dad and this girl have had multiple calls prior to this weekend. They already have "a huge file" (her words) on them already. Wow. I had no idea. So, after all the consideration, I decided to keep them.

Before I go on, I should throw in here that I had a spare cell phone I gave to my oldest. She wanted to talk to her half sister through Snapchat, so I let her. Those girls were still where I picked up mine. Noted. Anywhoo, I signed into Facebook with the account I had made them so their dad could facetime me for the calls he was (and still supposed) to give me 3x a week. I signed into it so she can talk to him if they missed him. Good idea? I'd like to think so. I'm not a horrible, vindictive person. My girl's honestly need him too. Then, I added my side of the family, her aunties and some of their cousins. Then, she found her family, including James' mom, her grandma. She had no idea they were coming, so she found out what had all happened that Friday. She was not happy. I heard her say to my girl that she was going to try get them to her. So, that Sunday, I did think of her. I would have took them to her if she was willing. But when I searched for her name on FB, I couldn't find her. She must have blocked me lol. Whatever. So, I thought if family services wanted me to take them to her on Monday, I'd gladly take them. I thought. I even mentioned this in one of the three long emails I've written to my lawyer. I had to explain every detail of why I decided to keep them with me, instead of following an order. Scariest decision I had to make because breaking a court order is serious. Like, the possibility of my stuff just getting thrown out. I'm still a little scared of that. But I thought that an opinion of a professional of advising me to keep them for their wellbeing would trump anything else, right? I hope.

So, it's still Sunday. Kids got put to bed at 1030, cuz Alex had to wake up at 5 am to get to work and I had to wake up and start calling everywhere important. I went out for my last smoke for the night and all of a sudden cops show up. Ask me some questions, I told them everything. They said grandma was down the street to pick them up and they were just here to keep the peace. I told them I didn't want them to go back to their dad. They said dad claims the same thing, that he's concerned for their safety. What a goof. I was pissed. And emotional, all of this caught me off guard, I started to cry. Especially that this fucken woman could have handled this better. She could have had the decency to talk to me her damn self instead of showing up at 11pm at night with the cops. What a bitch. She claimed she didn't know my number. I said, "James did, or she could have found me on fb, OR she could have told my daughter she needed to speak with me." What. A. Bitch. Cops actually said I can say no and keep them but I'd be breaking my order. It didn't matter if James has broken order after order, the one time I did it, and with every good reason, I was the one getting in shit. But I agreed to.

I woke them up, after I pulled myself together. Helped them get ready and pack clothes to go with their grandma. I cried after they were gone. Like ugly cried. For a long time. I'm so grateful my bf was with me through all of that. It would have been harder if he wasn't.

All day Monday I didn't hear anything. It was the hardest day to deal with because I just felt so discouraged and so scared that I fucked everything up. I'm still scared. But this morning (Tues) I finally got ahold of the supervisor at family services. She said she was still waiting for the police report because she couldn't make a final decision without it. Okay then. But I sent her before and after pictures of my kids hair, and told them a lot of relevant things that would help make their decision. As for the calls and files beforehand for James and his gf that were made, I asked if there was any way my lawyer can see them to help my case, she told me he can contact their lawyer for access. So, I've informed my lawyer and that email he replied to ASAP lol. Jerk. But he's contacting them and will let me know what he finds. Court is the 9th.

That is all that has happened in the last 5 days. A lot of highs and too many lows. I'm so glad my girls know where I live, they've seen their room and all the things I've been doing for them. They had fun, when we weren't in the bathroom, but even then, I got to have one on one with each of them. They know I love them and I'm trying to get them to be here permanently. They didn't even want to leave. That's what made me happy.

So, now, it's the waiting game. To see what happens with their case with family services and our court. I'm fighting for them until they're here. They deserve stability and I'm so happy I've grown enough to give them that. I can't wait to start my life with all of us here. They deserve better.

Until next time. ✌

Pray for me. 🙌

#allofme #mystory

[thisisyourbigmoment]

a random list of thoughts at 1:36 am

1. really freaked out by the idea currently that basically my childhood is over?? and never again will my family of 5 live together under this roof?? and my brother might get married soon and my parents are getting older and i feel like i have so much growing up to do but its coming so freaking fast?!? 2. i passed a little boy playing basketball today in his driveway and it made me immensely sad because basketball used to be such a relief for me and i havent picked up a basketball in what feels like years SO im going to go shoot tomorrow. and im probably terrible now and knowing my luck i'll probably hit myself in the face with the ball or something like that but im going to do it. 3. work sucked today because i had some really rude customers and i may have shed a few tears in the break room even though there was so much i needed to be doing. i just dont understand people who are so outwardly rude? we're all trying, we're all going through stuff, we're all just wanting to get through the day. chill!!! im so very sorry that your bacon wasnt crispy enough but instead of yelling at me, let me go get you another order- problem solved!! wow my apologies that your coffee wasnt 482827 degrees let me go put that in a burning pit for you to warm it up rather than you tell me how much you hate the servers here! basically- be nice to your waiters. be nice to everyone! stop being a jerk to strangers. so cliche but one genuine smile could literally make someones day!!!! 4. have not been feeling much passion or desire lately to spend time with God which is terribly upsetting because when i really sit and think about it, how could I not be in complete awe of God and what He's doing at every moment? but a goal for my summer was to learn more about the holy spirit and in particular, read through the book of Acts and I've been really unmotivated lately but today i guess a customer brought a daily devotion sheet and put it next to the computers that we put orders in and it was all about the holy spirit because pentecost is this weekend. and in an odd way, it just made me realize God still hasnt turned away. he still waits, even when I do not acknowledge. 5. the song "i know you wont" by the rascal flatts makes me cry, even when im totally happy, it STILL makes me cry. ugh. 6. im supposed to go shopping tomorrow with a friend on the one day all week im not working from 7am-10pm (tears) but honestly not crazy looking forward to it because self esteem is sort of blah right now but you know what, im going to let myself have a freaking great time and im not going to get consumed by a feeling i have in a dressing room or seeing my friend reach for the xs because i, margaret, am proud of who i am and i'm proud of what my body can do and how hard i have been working on my running and i aM NOT DEFINED BY MY APPEARANCE AND MY WORTH IS NOT CHANGEABLE AND I LOVE MYSELF BECAUSE I AM A STRONG WOMAN WHO TRIES HARD AND CARES ABOUT PEOPLE AND THE MIRROR DOES NOT TELL ME MY WORTH. yikes okay this was a mess and i dont even care im going to bed after that miniature pep talk. "Let us forget, with generosity, those who cannot love us."

[thispagedoesnotexist-ms-blog]

Fill in the blanks.

January 31, 2015 Projection date: September 10, 2015

7AM. 

I wanted to get there early because I knew it would take forever. They said to make sure we had breakfast and a few other items in preparation for that day, so you brought me to Walgreens and Wendy’s before heading to that rundown little building. 

Number 3. 

You dropped me off early enough that I got to be third on the roster.  I sat in the waiting room, soaking in everything.  There was a couple that caught my eye. A young Hispanic couple was holding each other closely; I could tell they genuinely cared about each other. As I sat by myself, I felt anxious and sad, wishing I had someone with me, but I was just trying to follow the rules. I’m a stickler for rules. 

They finally started the check-in process and then called a handful of us back into a second room where I waited some more.

Small talk and prescription drugs. 

I don’t like small talk.  Chit-chat never made much sense to me seeing as there is no true purpose to the conversation.  That being said, I kept to myself as I normally do and listened to the random dialogue taking place. It was all so disturbing: the run-down room with random furniture pieces, the disgusting talk amongst the girls, the anxiety building in my chest. 

It came time to take medication to calm our nerves.  I struggled taking my pill because I hate pills but once I got it down, I stepped out of the room to ask the pretty Hispanic girl if she was okay. I was having a difficult time but she was having a worse time. There are moments when you start asking yourself how you got to where you are and if you’re doing the right thing and what happens next.  The “what if’s” coming pouring in. I can tell that those questions were circling her brain. The sadness in her eyes was painful, even to me. She didn’t deserve to be there. We were both wishing the same things, thinking the same things but she was just more innocent than me. You wouldn’t understand. 

Vacuums. 

The Valium didn’t work. Not even a little bit.  “Number 1. Number 2. Number 4.” What? I started to panic. I was hoping these people really weren’t that incompetant. I couldn’t wait anymore. Please, God, get me out of here. The tech came back and called my number and I was relieved, as if I forgot what I was there for. I stepped into the room where an older female doctor was present.  She gave me instructions and I followed.  I sat on the table and heard the sound vacuums. I shuddered. I was envisioning what was happening in those rooms and what would soon be happening in mine. The lady doctor came back in and told me what she would be shooting into my veins. I made light of the situation. I don’t small talk; I joke.  I am a bundle of witty sarcasms and I use it to deflect all sorts of things. It’s the best secuirty I have.

The best pitcher of margarita you’ll ever have.

It’s what the tech said when she explained the drug during the counseling session. As an avid tequila drinker, I can certainly say a pitcher of even the best margarita could never do to me what that drug did. It hit me in an instant. Some man in black scrubs entered the room and took his place. I literally fought to stay awake. I didn’t trust anything. I needed to know what was happening. He said I could go to sleep and he’d wake me when it was all done. No, I had to remember just in case something went wrong. It felt like really strong period cramps. Or like the cramps I felt when I knew. Ironic. 

Incoherent.

It was the first time I actually thought the people there were nice, but maybe that’s because I was drugged out of my mind.  She guided me to a chair with a heating pad. I wanted to go to sleep so bad, but I continued to fight the urge. It was done. Finally over. At least that’s what I thought at the time.

I was finally given the okay to leave. My blood flow was normal and I was “capable” of guiding myself out, so I headed on my way. The problem, though, was that I could barely function. I left the back waiting room and headed for the restroom, all eyes on me from the bunch of girls waiting to get to stage two of their appointment. Is this what they would like too? “I need to throw up,” is what I kept thinking. Immediately following that thought was the mental order to stop being so weak. I am not weak. I left the rest room without vomitting and made it to my best friend’s truck. No, I need to vomit. People were yelling at me but I didn’t care because I felt like shit. I just needed to get home.

She literally took the longest route to get to her apartment, and on the way I finally did get to vomit. On a side street off of Clearview headed toward Harahan, I vomitted in some little old lady’s garden and ‘til this day, it’s what I think of when I drive pass. 

Monster Jam.

I passed out for hours. She said she thought I was dead and often had to check my breathing. When I finally awoke, I had to use the restroom and it was then, when the majority of the drugs had worn off, that I felt it all sink in. I began to cry and then got myself together because it was not the time nor the place for those kind of emotions. 

I called you or maybe you called me, regardless, I was ready to go home. Let’s take a minute, though, to address why you weren’t the one to pick me up after my appointment. Oh, yes. You had a house to show. You always did have a fucked up sense of priorites, but wait! It gets better.

You arrived with two pints of ice cream and brought me to the pharmacy near my house. I paid for my prescriptions. Instructions from one container of pills: no dairy. I couldn’t eat that ice cream for weeks. Irrelevant. 

It was a long, weird day for me. I didn’t realize that it would bring a continous string of long, weird days. I hadn’t wrapped my head around it yet. I was tired and weak and I felt violated. I didn’t know what I needed at that time, but I know I needed more from you. I knew that while I was lying in bed at home playing the day’s events over again, that you should have been there. You, however, had plans that night. You needed to go to Monster Jam with your cousin.

So I wonder, how did your day go? How silly of me that I never made it around to ask how your day went. I’m sure none of the things you did that day made a difference in your life today. Lucky you.

January 31, 2015: the day you secured your superficial life.

I’ve heard you sing your sad song every now and then about how I make you feel like the shittiest person ever. Blah, blah, blah. If you want(ed) me to talk better, to think better of you, you should have been better. You think that you’re entitled to my kindess, but for what reason? You’ve never given me a reason to think highly of you. You were never there for me when I needed you. 

You threw out a few hundred dollars to ensure that everything you were promised from your parents would still be there. Wow. What a small sacrifice to make. 

Let me be clear about something: you will never know or understand the pain that comes with this. 

I hope this all haunts you, and when you feel like something is “watching over” you, I hope you feel nothing but pure disappointment ‘cause it’s not just me who you let down.

But even still...

Despite my resentment toward you and my inability to forgive you for being the selfish human being that you are, I still did what I could to help you through. I wouldn’t know how to label your feelings because you never did allow me to speak about that day and even dared to tell me that you couldn’t bare to look at me. 

It’s comical, isn’t it? Me helping you through this. As if you were there for any of it. As though you could possibly imagine what it felt like to be so alone. I didn’t have to try to help you, but I did it because I knew what it felt like to have to deal with it alone. I was being the bigger person, but none of that matters to you. 

Each day ends the same way in your world: the only thing that matters is you. 

#coward

[berkleydrive]

What to wear if...

You spent Christmas Day alone in Soul and then got a call mid-workout about a New Year's Day party.

(Chapter 12: Where Is Love? | Love Inside | a GOT7 fanfiction)

"Why the heck are you awake? Aren't you guys tired from the MBC stage last night?!" I ask BamBam, who called early in the morning to my surprise. It's 7AM and I am running on a treadmill, trying to get in shape on the first day of 2016.

"We are, but we haven't seen you for so long so we wanted to do a New Year's Day party at your place tonight!" He says. I can tell that last night's year-ender performance and afterparty roughened his voice. GOT7 had a pretty hectic December so we never got to hang out again after their house visit. The last time I got to see them was when Mina and I watched their KBS Gayo Daechukjae stage performance.

"Okay, well, who else is coming along then?" I answer as I frantically push the buttons of the treadmill to change my pace. I feel compelled to stop working out and start preparing because when BamBam says party, he means it.

"We're still asking around but I think Amber wants to go," I continue to slow down on the treadmill while BamBam rambles on and on about a growing guest list that might not even fit my apartment.

"Oh my god, wait, wait hold on." I press another button and the machine stops completely. "I don't think I can fit all of you," I stammer, panting heavily as I step off the treadmill.

"Woah, wait what are you—"

"Oh shit—" I blurt out. My leg is starting to cramp. "Oww, fuck!" I sit on the floor of the gym, moaning in pain. A male instructor comes up to me to ask if I'm okay and I nod, waving him off.

"Wait, are you with someone? Should I hang up?!" BamBam asks, suddenly alert.

"What?! What are you talking about? I am not with anybody, I just got off the treadmill and my leg is cramping."

"Oooohhh, okay," He says, chuckling over my predicament. "Well then stop breathing in my ear, you're giving me really dirty thoughts right now!" I can hear someone asking questions in the background—probably his roommate Jackson.

"How the heck am I supposed to do that?!" I ask, laughing along as I flex my calf muscles. If BamBam could see me now he'd probably laugh harder because I can feel my cheeks blush at the thought of him getting turned on by my erratic breathing.

"Wait, let's switch to FaceTime. Bye!" He ends the phone call without even waiting for my response and follows it up with a FaceTime call. I answer despite my sweaty, no-makeup exterior and BamBam comes up on the screen, still in bed, his mop of brown hair a mess.

"Are you happy now? I told you I'm not with anybody," I say, trying to breathe normally.

"Oh you really are working out!" BamBam smiles and waves at me through the screen.

"Why, what did you think I was doing?" I ask, stretching my leg gently, hoping the pain subsides.

"I thought you were having sex, you were moaning in my ear!"

"Oh my god, isn't it too early for that?!" I hear Jackson's voice and crack up instantly. Bam finally gets up and pulls Jackson beside him. "Annyeong! [Hello!] Oh, you look really sexy right now!" He adds.

"No I'm not, I'm a mess!" I shoot back, mopping the sweat off my face and body with a terry cloth towel. My bangs are sticking to my forehead and my bun is coming undone. Slowly, I start getting up again, testing my leg.

"Yes you are, you're a hot mess," Jackson says. I respond by vigorously shaking my head.

"Noona, I have a request," BamBam says, clearing his scratchy throat. I raise one eyebrow at him as I walk towards the gym's floor-to-ceiling mirrors near the shower rooms. "Can you please let your hair down?" He asks, his eyes focusing on me. I follow his command wordlessly, pulling the tie securing my bun. My light brown hair falls down to my chest in waves, covering the skin of my shoulder exposed by my lopsided zipped-up hoodie. I decide to fix it by opening the jacket all the way, revealing my pink sports bra and my bare abs. I've gotten very little progress at getting back to my old shape. My abs are not as toned as it was back in college, when my life revolved around studying, swimming, and working part-time. I guess that's just what a 9-hour workday does to you.

"Now switch to the back camera!" BamBam orders. I tap the icon on the screen. "Jackson look at my makeover!" I see Jackson gaping like a fish out of water upon seeing my full image on the mirror.

"Oh my god! See, that's what I mean by sexy. Are those abs? You have abs?!" Jackson comments, his eyes wide. There's chaos on the other end of the line because Jackson wants to see me more but BamBam wants to get a screenshot. Meanwhile, I'm busy laughing at them, realizing belatedly that I have never told them I used to be an athlete.

"Okay, stop, I really need to go and take a shower now." I ask BamBam to text me the final head count before hanging up.

*Flashback*

For the first time in three years, I decided to spend the holidays in Korea. My mom wasn't too thrilled but my dad was over the moon at the thought of me cooking kimchi jjigae with my grandmother in her massive kitchen.

And so, after GOT7's charity event, I found myself boarding a train going to Busan and spending Christmas eve with my Nana Kyung and my cousins in Suyeong-gu. At dinner they kept asking me if my hair and my eyes really were naturally light brown, all while exclaiming "Yeppuneye!" [So pretty!] over and over.

"Ne, kamsahamnida!" [Yes, thank you!] I answered.

It sent my female cousins—who I never spoke with for years because I didn't understand Korean back then—into a temporary state of shock. I still don't know if they balked because of my Seoul dialect or my bold acceptance of their adorable satoori compliments. Nana Kyung just laughed it off and kept petting my head like a puppy while the servants milled around with unending supply of food.

Nana Kyung loves to cook and though she's old (she's nearing her 87th birthday), her kitchen work is so graceful that I almost failed to remember her jjigae-making lessons because I was watching her with great fascination. I sent my dad a selfie of me and Nana which Hope said made my dad cry.

The next morning, Jihoo, who my Nana Kyung introduced as my second cousin, took me to Gwanggalli Beach so I can walk around and grab breakfast before heading back to Seoul. Thankfully, he speaks English because he's taking up literature in Kyungsung University. "So, what are your plans when you get back to Seoul?" He asked, his pronunciation clear and crisp.

"I actually have no idea," I said, munching on my toast. "I guess I have two and a half hours of commute to think about that."

"Oh, you should go ice skating or watch KBS Music Bank live! I'd love to see the special stages."

"I've seen KBS Gayo, I think I've had enough." I answered nonchalantly.

It turns out that Jihoo is a huge SM Entertainment fan so when he found out I work at JYPE, and that I've met Amber, he freaked out. "Amber is like, my ultimate bias. I wanted to learn English because of her!"

"Oh she's very nice, and very pretty! I'll show you a picture but you have to promise not to tell anybody about it, okay?" He nodded enthusiastically. I showed him the group photo I took the first time we met and told him everything that happened that night in Gangnam. He was slack-jawed, and I was overjoyed because I finally found someone to talk to about it other than Mina and Liv.

"So are you and BamBam dating now?" He asked when he saw the numerous selfies I have with GOT7's maknae.

"Oh my god, no, absolutely not!" I said, almost choking on my toast.

"Why do you have so many pictures together then?"

"Because he likes taking selfies. He's too young for me, Jihoo, I'll never date someone that young."

"I would date Amber, though!" He said, addressing the fact that he's only as old as BamBam and Yugyeom. He then made me promise to ask Amber if she's willing to date a younger guy.

Our breakfast turned into lunch and by the time we parted at the train station, we've managed to get each other's numbers and SNS so we could talk some more. I have never been so thankful for the gift of family in my life.

I spent Christmas night dressing up in my fanciest white fur coat and white designer dress just to end up eating alone at Hyatt and ice skating along with the families and couples on the frozen lake outside the hotel. Not once did I feel lonely in Seoul that night. Everything felt so serene, and the snow made it all the more special. For the first time in a very long time I felt genuinely peaceful. I remembered why I fell in love with the city despite all the hardships I had to go through while building my life around the deepening roots I never thought I'd discover.

*Flashforward*

My kitchen is looking more and more like a buffet counter of all the comfort food I can think of. I made mac and cheese from scratch, as well as nachos, and grilled cheese sandwiches. I have BamBam's beloved buffalo chicken wings, and Jackson's favorite garlic parmesan chicken wings. Mark's pepperoni pizza came just in time and my popcorn maker is ready to go.

I have soju, wine, and beer in my fridge, and red plastic cups stacked conveniently by the sink beside a cooler filled with ice. The dining table is set for six people, though I'm not exactly sure who else is coming. My living room is looking bright because of the fairy lights on the Christmas tree standing in the corner of the room, right beside the brand new gold and rose quartz curtains I've put up. I have metallic gold balloons that spell Happy New Year on the railings of my metal staircase.

I Skype my mom to show her my party prep work. "Wow honey, you've done a great job! How many people are coming to your party?"

"Well I'm not really sure. I think my friends invited, like, 5 or 6 people—"

"That's ridiculous, that is NOT a party!" My brother Hope interrupts, peeking over mom's shoulder. "Come home so I can show you what a real party's like. I have friends from Perth who are single as fuck and are dying to meet you!"

"Hope, will get your filthy mouth away from here please?" My mom orders and he grumbles away from my mom and her iPad. "Now, Lovey, remember to make sure your guests get to eat before drinking. Absolutely no drugs please," I roll my eyes at my mom and before I could protest about her plea to her introverted daughter, I get a calendar reminder from her.

"That's so you don't forget your dad's business trip in Daegu. He'll fly in directly from Hong Kong so make sure you pick him up at the airport, araso?" [Understand?] I can't help but admire her planning skills. It's what makes her one of the most efficient businesswomen I know.

"Arasoyo! Saranghae, Omma!" [I understand! I love you, Mom!] I wave at her with a wide smile before ending the call.

At 8:30PM the doorbell starts to ring.

**To be continued**

#Jackson Wang #BamBam #khunpimook bhuwakul #got7 #got7 fanfic #got7 scenarios #got7 imagines #kpop fanfic #fan fiction #kpop #wattpad