#get her a fucking therapist

[timelessbian]

poseidon being so whipped for sally that he lets her keep him on magical speed dial this is literally the funniest change the show could possibly have made

#pjo spoilers #pjotv #i mean bitch me too the fuck!! #you cannot tell me he didn't think he was about to get lucky #and instead he had to play therapist and willingly neglect his kid on the other side of the room i'm dhbvhfbfjndfnv #sally jackson #poseidon #i mean i know he canonically wanted to build her an undersea palace but a godly batsignal?? he's sooo down bad for her

[laulink]

Something that I don't often see in the "was Edelgard's war necessary" discourse is the interdependence between the Church and the nobility. The question is always framed such as "are Edelgard's reforms worth starting a war over" or "is the net result of the war positive or negative" or "did she need to invade the Kingdom and Alliance to do her thing or was she just a cold-hearted, power-hungry tyrant" and the arguments given for or against either side of the conflict very rarely includes this simple fact :

No reform is possible in Fodlan because the Church and nobility feed off of each other.

It doesn't matter whether or not the specific reforms Edelgard wants to implement deserve thousands of people to die for them (if such a thing is even objectively quantifiable) ; it doesn't matter what the "net result" of the war is (if you can even make an objective measure on that) ; it doesn't matter whether or not having the Kingdom and Alliance under her authority was necessary to make the reforms she wanted ; absolutely no reform, whatsoever, in any territory, could have been achieved and lasted with the Church still standing. Why ?

Because the Church and the nobility enforce each other's "divine right to rule" and neither wants to lose their power.

Rhea wants to keep Fodlan in stasis until she brings Sothis back. She's done that for a thousand years and will keep doing it for as long as she needs to. How did she do it ? By making the powerful (the Crest-bearing descendants of the Ten Elites) dependant on her. She made their strength (their Crest) dependant on properly following and supporting her Church, instilling in Fodlan's societies the belief that a family won't produce Crest-bearing heirs any longer if they oppose the Goddess. The Crests are therefore both a mark of the Goddess' favour, granting nobles their "divine right to rule", and a pair of shackles binding them to the Church. If the Church falls and the commoners don't believe in the Goddess any longer, they also won't believe in the nobles' divine right to rule anymore and will rebel against the caste system. Therefore, the nobles need to enforce belief in the Goddess by showing how devoted they are, as Ferdinand and Lorenz explain is their noble duty to guide the commoners on the path of the faithful, and by giving the Church money to keep its influence and prestige ; otherwise, the nobility itself will be at risk.

But the reverse is, therefore, also true : if the nobility were to fall or stop supporting the Church (the one Rhea leads, mind you), it would lose power, influence and the money necessary to maintain its presence throughout the continent. The Church needs to make sure that the nobility system either stays the same or at least still relies on the belief in the Goddess. Any reform that abolishes the nobility, title inheritance or Crest supremacy is bound to be an absolute nightmare for the Church. Sounds familiar ?

Three Hopes touches onto this by showing us Rhea's attempts at killing the Bishop of the newly restored Southern Church. She doesn't try to get him killed because Edelgard was the one to choose him, she tries to kill him because this Southern Church represents a threat for the Central Church she leads, and she doesn't accept that.

How is the Southern Church a threat ? Two possible, non-exclusive ways :

The Southern Church's teachings are in opposition to the Central Church's teachings : we don't know exactly what those teachings are, but if the Southern Church's teachings imply that the Central Church's ones are fake, it would put their legitimacy into question. Which brings us to the second point :

The Southern Church is trying to become more prominent than the Central one : the Southern Church was dismantled about 200 years before the start of the game for being "dissident" and is now being revived with Edelgard's support. It doesn't even matter what it teaches the people : it fills a gap in the Imperial citizens' lives. By doing so, and by being morally, publicly and financially supported by the new Emperor, it earns the support of the faithful of the Empire and takes it away from the Central Church, in part at least.

So, because Rhea doesn't accept power being taken away from her, she attacks and tries to kill the "rebellion" in the egg, the same way she did with the "dissidents" of the Western Church in Houses, where she sent her students to execute and capture the priests, then executed the survivors without a trial. Sending an assassin against a bishop is clearly not something she would hesitate to do.

But, in this example, the Church was the one "under attack". You might wonder how Rhea would have reacted if Edelgard hadn't restored the Southern Church or started the war and had simply reformed the Empire without bothering anyone else, right ? Well, the answer is : basically the same thing.

What we know of Edelgard's reforms is that they are meant to end the caste system, let anyone reach a position of power, oust the people who are not competent enough to handle them and deny the very idea that birth determines someone's right to rule over a region or a whole nation. Those are all ideas that the Central Church has spent the last millenia denying and fighting against so the nobles would stay dependant on them ; if Edelgard's reforms were to be implemented, and moreso if they were to be successful, therefore proving that Crests and the ability to rule are not related, the Central Church's teachings would be proved wrong and the people of Fodlan, Kingdom and Alliance included, would rebel and stop supporting the Church and nobility. Rhea would lose her power and Fodlan would evolve, one way or another, outside of her control. She would do anything to avoid that, including sending her knights to support the rebellious nobles (like the ones we see in Hopes) who are bound to fight against Edelgard's tyranny to preserve peace and order in Fodlan, even if it means fighting against the Imperial army until they can march on Enbarr and behead the mad tyrant... which is roughly what happens in SS where the Black Eagles form a rebellion and ally with the Church's forces to fight against Edelgard and ultimately defeat her in order to keep the status quo. Yes, they fought this war because they thought Edelgard was in the wrong and needed to be stopped, but the result is the exact same.

(if you want to get into real world parallels, the Catholic Church was in much the same position of power as the Central Church for a good millenia (the xenophobia and the way it wormed itself into being central in every government by saying the King ruled out of God's will and had to be a good Christian if they wanted to keep their throne is especially similar), but then Martin Luther called it out on its corruption and started the Protestant Church (Southern Church, in Fodlan's case), leading to a long religious and physical conflict where the Catholic Church tried to eradicate the dissidents, with fire among other things)

So, what do we deduce from all this ? Three things :

The Church and nobility feed off of each other to maintain their own power ; if one were to disappear or stop working the way it did in the past, the other would collapse.

Rhea is more than ready to do what it takes to preserve her power and influence over Fodlan because it allows her to keep it in stasis and she believes that is what she should do until her mother comes back from the dead.

Edelgard's reforms would put a dent in Rhea's power, war or no war, which would result in Rhea trying to get her killed so she could put a good, obedient noble on the throne in order to restore the Central Church's power and maintain the nobility's standing in the Empire/Fodlan.

So, in conclusion : no significant change to the system can be made and kept in place for more than a few years, a decade at most, without national level of armed conflict at the very least because the Church and nobility will ally and fight tooth and nail to preserve their power. Taking apart the nobility cannot be done without destroying the Central Church at the same time, for one will always try to save/bring back the other to justify its own power. If Edelgard hadn't started the war, Rhea would have ; if Edelgard hadn't invaded and conquered the Kingdom and Alliance, their nobility would have attacked her in order to avoid her reforms giving ideas to their own population, or the population would have rebelled and started a bloody civil war in order to win their freedom, which would have likely caused more casualties, especially civil ones and children, than a fight between two actual armies.

There would have been war anyway. There would have been thousands of deaths anyway. Edelgard did what she did in order to gain the advantage by attacking first, improve her odds and shape the conflict in a way that would cause the least civilian casualties. We can still debate whether or not she was right or wrong, whether or not there was a better way to achieve her goals and save more lives, but the fact remains that while she did start the war, if she had not, someone else would have in order to stop her reforms. There was no peaceful way to change the whole system. As always, when you want to take power away from a group of people, you have to fight for it, and they will fight back.

#some say that conflict could have been avoided if everyone had sat down around a table and talked things out but seriously #Edelgard Claude and Rhea would all have had to be FORCED to tell the whole truth about everything #and you would have needed a fucking ARMY of therapists to get Rhea to let humanity lead itself and stop trying to bring her mom back #realistically speaking there is no world in which all this would have happened #fire emblem three houses #fire emblem three hopes #edelgard von hresvelg #rhea

[311ways]

absolutely hate the fandom characterization of rose that girl is a spunky rebellious dweeb who writes wizard fanfiction and keeps her room about as clean as a horse stable stop turning her into a lame motherly twoshoes

#homestuck #text #rose lalonde #she is such a complex and interesting character n i m sick n tired of seeing her get cast as the straightman/relationship fixer/therapist #let her be silly!!! let her be fucked up!!!! let her be petty!!!!! #let her be REALLL PLZZZZZZ

[andi-o-geyser]

on my anti dr. jacob agenda sooo hard you don't even know. like the level of just how unprofessional, unethical, and fucking infuriating his choices are is putting me into so much of a rage i can no longer maintain my danny rojas level of live laugh love in this economy. bastard. bastard man. my worst enemy. im calling the kansas college of registered psychotherapy and regulatory board of ethics on him don't test me

#i have so much beef with him you don't fucking get it #everything about the situation should have his licence for practice instantly revoked #full stop #getting with a patient after treating both her and her husband in couples counselling and then seeing her individually #to coach her through her DIVORCE and then starting to date her??? #its like he fucking wants to lose his liscence #its such a stupid fucking thing to do thats so morally reprehensible for him as a professional i just- #aksjhfkjJHKHKJKJKHLJKHFHDJSHKLHJKDSFHJRRRRRRRRR #like TECHNICALLY you can have relations with patients #TECHNICALLY #but theres a nearly decade long time minimum that has to elapse before thats like legal for the regulatory board??? #its something like 7 years (at least where i live) #and thats not 7 years since you've met them #that's 7 years AFTER you stopped seeing them as a patient #just. fucking baffling #because thats a massively inappropriate relationship!!! its not allowed for a fucking reason!!! #you are not meant to be your therapist's friend and you are CERTAINLY not meant to fucking DATE THEM lijlasfhKJEKKKEE???? #i'm fine. im good #everything is fine and i didnt just start the episode and break into a massive rant in the tags. we're fine :) #ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso season 3 #andis thought geyser

[supjello]

bold move honestly to have all the characters yell every argument they knew fans would have at ted for why he should stay, and not have him say they’re wrong, or offer anything to counter it. Because at the end of the day it was his son. It was only his son. His son was the period at the end of the sentence, and always was going to be. Nothing else mattered, he was going home to his boy.

Literally if they were right I'd agree but it's them they know, not me. Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away. I know I have to go.

#ted lasso spoilers #ted lasso #do I like it? NO. does it feel good? NO. #did it have to happen? YES. #and he certainly wasn’t going to rip his son out of HIS home #his country the rest of his family his support system #just to force him to adapt to Ted’s lifestyle and circle in london #I get the escapist fantasy of that and I’m here for it in fic #but I think people are seriously underestimating how hard that is on a kid #moving is one of the most traumatic events a child can go through #so is divorce lmao #like would it be better for ted in england? abso-fucking-lutely #but he’s taking the L for his son #and is saving him some points on his future therapist’s ACE questionnaire lmao #ANYWAYS <-girl who only uses her workplace training about a child’s developing brain #to write hot takes about fictional families

[crybaby-bkg]

Dabi is surprisingly a lightweight. You honestly would’ve never figured by looking at him, but as you think back on it, you’ve never really seen him drink a lot. Not when there were celebratory parties, or when things didn’t go right for him. It’s why you’re so shocked when you convince two shots into his system, why he suddenly looks so loose, why his grin splits so wide.

He’s a clinger, you’ve also learned as you’ve started observing the blue eyed man where he shoves his face into the crook of your neck. His body bends over almost uncomfortably to fit into the position, and you can’t help but flinch a little when his damp breath blows a quiet little raspberry on your flesh.

omg wait my favorite thought is of you not even necessarily being a heavyweight, you can just handle your liquor a little better than anyone expects. you love to knock back drink after drink, convince Dabi into some stupid competition that he falls for because he’s such a little nerd and secretly wants to impress you. he does it thinking you’ll be the drunk one first, the one hanging off of his arm and hopefully his dick by the end of the night.

it belatedly shocks him when it’s the exact opposite. when he’s slurring a little and smiling at you, when you watch him through low eyes with a wide grin, when he wraps himself around you like a python, when you shake his face gently as you squish his cheeks together in hand. he’s just so utterly obsessed with you in these moments, and maybe it’s the liquor in him, but he knows his lowered inhibitions are only bringing forth the feelings he’s always suppressed.

drunk sex with Dabi where he’s the one too loose limbed and limp and weak. he flops onto bed like some rag doll with his arms and legs spread wide, but he musters up enough strength to release the heavy weight of his cock from its confinements. doesn’t do much besides lift his head from the pillows with a point to his crotch and a lazy grin, an announcement of, go ahead and hop on already before he’s flopping back down again, ready to lay back and get fucked like how he knows he deserves.

#at first I wrote about him getting whisky dick and not even realizing it and being so embarrassed about it the next morning #but it made me laugh too hard and I was like #no one will enjoy that dude shut up AJSHDKDJDJD #but omg lightweight baby that can only cling to you and whine to go back to your room to fuck #only to pass out immediately on the bed lmfao #I love him I’m gonna str*ngle him so bad #anyway I finished all my work for the week and now I feel empty so I will be moving onto next weeks work tomorrow LOL NERD #but everything next week is simple too so why not get it out the way ya know???? #after that I might sit down and actually write another fic since it’s been a little minute #everyone voted for therapist obsessed bkg next but I kinda wanna write something emotional for touya now lmfao #I’m becoming so obsessed with him and it HURTS!!!!! #I can only handle one ☝🏻 at a time or else I start getting the shakes #also omg my regular dr is making me go to the heart dr bc she said my anxiety worries her for my physical condition aksjdj embarrassing #okay bye I’m gonna read a little and sleep #—new treat in the streets! 🍫 #dabi treats! 🍬 #tw: alchohol mention

[fayevalcntine]

The whole "Claudia is now his sister"/Louis' sibling comparisons are never gonna sit right with me because that's never going to erase the fact that Claudia exists as a vampire partly because of him. Their relationship will never have this clearly defined role of siblings in the same manner Louis had with Grace or Paul, even if he was their older brother and was implicitly given the role of providing for them as the successor and manager of his family's estate. Because Louis was never responsible in part for their creation, the reason why they existed the way that they do in terms of behavior and life itself.

It also makes his betrayal of her all the more heartbreaking in ways that him and Grace drifting apart never will. He was her father, and didn't provide emotional support for her. She had to turn the tables and try to assume the role of being on an equal level because of this failure but this doesn't make him not choosing her any less painful than it did the first time. Even as they shift roles, take or give emotional responsibility one has towards the other, the fact that Claudia exists the way she does because of him and Lestat will always be there.

#interview with the vampire #claudia #louis de pointe du lac #it's why in a way Lestat's whole 'I am your maker' rant is relevant #not in terms of him trying to keep his veil of control over her #but in terms of how no matter how she tries to shift positions; switch roles #put on the costume of 'sister/companion/mother/knight' #she will always be on a lesser position than him or even Louis #because THEY are her parents #even on a physical level she's technically weaker because she's in the body of a teenager #her given role of daughter will never be shed; especially when both of them took to physically abusing her #and tbh I personally don't like acting as if Claudia having to take on the role of Louis' protector/therapist/sister #is a positive thing in any way #it's basically his own child being forced by circumstances to be the adult #and it's such a fucked up dynamic to me #i'm not saying Louis is responsible for that because he had his own issues and then there's Lestat who acerbates the whole situation #but consider it from Claudia's angle: she keeps Lestat away from Louis for SIX years #then Louis takes him back; and even tells her to get used to it and to try to be more open with her own abuser #all the while Claudia gives him nothing but understanding and time; pleads with him to run away together #i can't even start on how his betrayal of her after the attempted murder is not only the final nail of the coffin #but the only result she gets after emotionally supporting him throughout this entire situation #anyway no offense to anyone that makes Claudia/Grace/Paul edits in relation to Louis #it's just that even without the ep7 reveal the whole thing feels sour to me in episode 6 #because that is very much not his sister/brother protecting him; that's his daughter #Claudia should not have to do this shit on her own; she should not have to assume another role just to be considered seriously #in any way by either Louis or Lestat

[slutdge]

Not to get deep here or anything but i really think i dont want to have a relationship with my sister anymore and ive been reflecting on that a lot. like sure she didnt abuse me or really do anything to directly traumatize me, but she voted against me having human rights because im queer, as well as voting for a party that wants to harm first nations people despite both of us being first nations i just.... i dont think i can forgive her for that. weve had laughs and good times together but i find myself unable to forgive her for her politics. i wouldn't tolerate bigotry from anyone else, i shouldnt tolerate it from someone just cause theyre family.

#can anyone provide me guidance on this? ill bring it up with my therapist but i dont see her for another week #anyways im making myself cry late at night whats new lol ive been processing a lot this week #ok eta: and theyll always make you feel bad for this!!!!! #theyll be like ''ok so everyone has to bend to your commie regime to have a relationship with you 🙄'' #like yeah actually you do #if you really loved me like you claim to you wouldnt be FUCKING VOTING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO TAKE MY RIGHTS AWAY #yes you do have to respect my rights if you want to have a relationship with me that is completely reasonable #whats ACTUALLY unreasonable is you asking me to ''just get over'' the fact that yall support people who think i shouldnt have human rights #right wingers will try to gaslight you into believing basic human decency is an unattainable and torturous request #then when you get upset theyll be like ''god the left is so emotional 🙄'' #like yeah. i am. and you should be emotional too about human rights violations. the fact that youre not is pure evil. #anyways ill go cry myself to sleep like a faggot now #it just breaks my heart that i dont have any immediate family members who dont blatantly hate me for being queer/first nations

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

#i know i just posted that other thing but ffs that is NOT how u handle someone in that situation everyone involved made everything 10x worse #yet it’s being treated like the right thing to do (which again ofc they’re cops they don’t understand harm reduction but still) like #seriously everything’s so forceful like u seriously think forcing ur friend to talk to u or forcing a patient to talk to a therapist under #the threat of being admitted to a psychiatric hospital is gonna make her feel comfortable talking to u? or anyone? she’s just gonna trust u #less and get better at hiding it and speaking of which the taking away all sharp objects thing makes sense in theory but like think abt it #for a minute she confirmed she isn’t suicidal and this is her only way of coping so do not just forcibly take away all her coping mechanism #like yes she is hurting herself but it’s a COPING MECHANISM. she’s coping with something. help her with that don’t just take away her penci #sharpers or whatever (which btw since she’s an adult she could easily buy more stuff and yk learn to hide it better) which again has to be #voluntary it isn’t gonna work if u force someone to do smthn they don’t want to like as ur friend u could’ve made it clear u care abt her #and wouldn’t judge her for anything and r here if she wants to talk don’t just say “you have to talk to me” and casually threaten #hospitalisation when she isn’t ready in the moment like seriously if this wasn’t a badly written fanfic she would completely stop trusting #bcz given that this wasn’t even done out of panic i would like ffs u are NOT doing any of this right #oops sorry ranted abt the bad fic in my tags- #it’s not where the author’ll see it and know it’s about them i don’t feel bad abt it #this was my first time even looking at stuff for this fandom so #cw self harm in tags #idk if i need to tag anything else for that 😭 #fanfic #ao3 #ryan shut the fuck up

[fleshdyke]

the concept of hannibal being an accomplished psychiatrist for years is SO funny like can you imagine telling your therapist you have violent thoughts sometimes and he tells you to act on them bc god kills people too

#like literally 100% of margot's therapy was him just begging her to kill mason. it was so funny #and when she failed he's like girl try again ! #also imagine just being one of his normal patients that he's not encouraging to kill ppl bc he had to have SOME. and your fucking therapist #gets arrested for cannibalism like 😭 #rambles #hannibalposting

[semiotomatics]

had my first ever therapy session today. and it went well! it really did. my therapist is lovely and im actually excited to go back next week. things are okay. but ive been stuck in Fear Mode all day and it is. exhausting. i keep noticing im clenching every muscle in my body and i try to relax but it just starts happening again as soon as i get distracted. i wish my body could get with the program and turn off the fight flight freeze response already :/ the slow tigers are gone!! they are not chasing me anymore!!

#this has been an original post #personal spewage #good news tumblr! you wont have to be my unofficial therapist anymore #now i get to PAY someone to emotionally unload on them #also i put clouds as my preferred name on my intake forms #and i explained a bit abt how this is the first time im using that name irl anywhere #and she was like ''im honoured to get to call you clouds'' #😭😭😭 #shes great #i cant wait to show her exactly how fucked up i am

[actual-changeling]

no cause at this point how the hell would i even have that conversation with my mother. how do you even BEGIN to talk about twenty years of trauma with the person who caused half of it??

"hello mother i need to have a talk with you. remember how you think i am happy? well, i am not and it's your fault."

#alex yells at the void #like i WANT to because i won't give up until i have tried everything im just that stubborn #but how do i fucking. do that. how does one have that conversation #i really wanna get her into therapy with me so my therapist has to do that part aadhkaj

[phantomrose96]

So I know this isn't anything that like actually needs an apology but it'll make me feel a bit better to say it. Oof whoops this ABoT chapter is super late. Timing kinda sucks since I wanted to have some updates out while s3 was airing but

Been kinda mega busy and stressed since October with the whole condo buying thing which rolled right into immediate day 0 plumbing and boiler issues I had to get fixed and general moving hassle and financial commitment stress and I kinda just fried myself hard. Plus then acclimating to a new place without my familiar street or familiar grocery store or familiar room or any of that. Like there's no "just go home and take your mind off it" to this cuz home is the "it". So I'm just kinda enduring until I can calm the hell down.

And anyway I definitely have progress on ch47, like 7000-ish words of it, but it's the kind of like "there is writing there" and hasn't exactly hit the "there is substance there" that I want ABoT chapters to be. Like this in particular is a chapter I want to be good, not just be done. So it's taking time to get my brain somewhere that can do that.

#anyway #i mean just in case anyone was like wondering if its discontinued to anything #its still going i just can't make it Good quite yet #(plus i need to get furniture cuz as it stands the place is really quite empty and bare except for like my room and the kitchen) #(also the bank had my address wrong so they havent been able to send me any of the mortgage information which was technically due already) #(ive been in contact with them but it's a whole thing) #(plus im still not quite finished with all the utility switching. i still need to get water in my name) #(and the boiler issue fucked up my gas bill so now ive got a crazy high gas bill i just need to... pay) #(i have actually started seeing a therapist but thats a whole other Thing now figuring out insurance and deductables and using my HSA #account and just... it's a lot) #(oh also my homeowner's insurance policy number doesn't actually work for getting me into the online portal. and the geico guy said he was #looking into it but I havent heard anything in a while) #(its a lot im just gonna melt for a while i guess) #(plus all the upfront stress has made it really hard to associate the new place as 'home' instead of 'place of great many plumbing evils') #(i sat on like 4 million couches this week and the only one i really really like probably doesn't quite fit in my living room) #(the downstairs neighbors tv is too loud and i need to talk to her about it in a way which isn't 'hey im holding on by a thread and this #one small inconvenience is the thing which is making me turn into ash') #(oh thats right i have to go pay my january HOA dues...) #(oh also I need to file for the owner-occupied tax exemption thing now that its 2023) #anyway......... ill be normal eventually. im just not normal right now. #chrissy speaks

[briar--rising]

Going to visit my mom yesterday turned out to be a terrible idea. Fuck. The thing is, it was kind of fine? On a surface level? She only said one thing that really upset me (though it was a doozy). The rest of the time she was on her best behavior and did a good job interacting with me. And I was 100% in mom-mode and thought I was having fun. It's impossible for me to truly check in internally when I'm with her. What I'm actually feeling is almost completely inaccessible to me, and slowing down to really try to notice just...can't seem to happen? Instead I just enter this state of "here's how to act with mom" and in that state I feel fine and happy but then as soon as I leave it I realize it was exhausting and awful actually. And that while I didn't notice, underneath the surface there was all sorts of panic and fear and rage and confusion and loss of self and destruction of understanding and connection with reality. Time spent with my mother, even when it goes well, is probably my biggest psychosis trigger. Something about the way my mind twists when I'm with her is just...very dangerous. I really thought I'd be okay because we've been doing well talking on the phone and I've been doing very well in general, but um...apparently pushing that to several hours alone with my mother was...not my best plan lol. At least I can use words and my limbs again this morning, last night I could barely speak or move for several hours.

#my post #text post #time to take a few days to recover and return to myself #i'm exhausted #also i've discussed a lot with my therapist that my insect fears and delusions are tangled up in trauma with my relationship with my mom #but it's still so shocking to get obvious examples. i had the worst insect nightmares last night that i've had in months if not a year #anyway. at least she gave me some cool art stuff to borrow #if i can get over my nausea at working on the picture i started there with her i'll hopefully continue it. fuck.

[chipistrate]

Thinking about the therapy tapes and specifically how fucked over Vanessa was with her parents-

Forced to lie about her mom in court which ended in her death and got stuck with her shit ass dad, and when she escaped her dad she ended up stuck with a virus mimicking a manipulative serial killer with a similar name and personality as her dad- like she just can NOT get a break,,,,

Makes me wonder if that had an effect on how she cares for Gregory after PQ ending- like she wants to be a good guardian/sibling to him and make sure nothing that happened to xem ever happens to him. He's already going through enough and xey want to help and be the support for him that she never got, but she's just never sure what to say or do.

#Chip Chatter #Also makes me wonder if it'd affect how she sees Freddy #he's like a father figure to Gregory #but Vanessa could never see him as such. She's not used to good father figures #and because of that it's weird for her to think of such a nice #kind #gentle person as a father instead of just a supportive friend. #I dunno if I'm wording my thoughts right but I'm just ruhfjigherjl.sfgherjfdc #Vanessa's therapy tapes make me so sad........ she literally never gets a break in them it's just one thing after another like wtf man #tw implied suicide #I feel like that's an appropriate tag #I feel like not enough people talk about Nessa's therapy tapes #they're so fucked up #therapist trying to talk to her about her severe parental issues/trauma while she's dealing with Glitchtrap and all his bullshit #SHE EVEN STARTS COUNTING HER CALORIES LIKE WTF GLITCHTRAP!!! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!!!!