#get myself functioning again

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

shoutout to all my fellow 4th Unenjoyers who curl up in a corner with earbuds/headphones blasting music or videos to drown out the Noise <3 i hope the night passes Quickly for yall <3

#and if you're stuck doing a family thing for it. i am so so sorry #i wish you strength and again: a quick evening #anyway. may your blanket be soft and headphones/earbuds be cozy #get yourself a tasty treat! You Deserve It for dealing w/ this bullshit #absolutely unprompted #it sounds like a fuckin warzone out there ARENT FIREWORKS ILLEGAL HERE??? HM??? APPARENTLY NOT! #one of my cats has evaporated (hiding) and the other one is in the little fort i made for her #i predict that soon i will make the fort Bigger so that i may join her #im blasting music to try and cover up the noise for Both Of Us #every so often i turn around to exchange reassuring slow blinkies #yknow i almost roped myself into a (step)family function. thank fuck i decided not to go lmfao #my ideal 4th is Not hanging out with a bunch of conservatives for a fireworks party #in a state where its Legal to buy/fire your own #that wouldve been Hell on Earth

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

there are too many thoughts inside of me at all times.

#hello friends hope you all are doing well. my words have been abandoning me lately. #I talk a lot and feel like I say nothing. it is truly frustrating. #meanwhile I am doing a bible word study and realizing that all the things I have realized in the past might be valid #(namely the way that a lot of people in my church tradition try to reduce biblical concepts of 'peace' to a sort of inward emotional state #and that's not actually a great way to interpret the biblical concept of shalom. like at all. and massively cheats a lot of communities out #of the actual practical real-life extension of the kingdom and how it's supposed to function) #also I had a minor crisis a few days ago when I looked at a boy who I know only vaguely and thought 'oh. shoot. he's cute.' #I am not used to having these sorts of thoughts or at least not to acknowledging them to myself #not sure why I'm telling tumblr this but I have no one else to tell it to and I feel like I should get it out of my system lol :') #ok logging off again gotta eat some noodles and finish this assignment with is already late #I will see you guys at a later date #(probably not too much later tho bc it is spring break and I am unfortunately stuck at college and there are very few other people here :') #gurt says stuff

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel too sick to sleep right now, everything's' too cold or too hot and I can't even breathe without thinking I'm gonna throw up

#it's because i've been drinking diluted juice #i swear the shit they put in that makes me delirious with fever #ughhhh so sick wish a nice big strong mechanoid could help me rn :( real shame #gonna drink water till the middle of the night. there goes my plans for a better nights' sleep :< #i do genuinely feel awful and i have been feeling so for a while and it's all my own doing. not eating healthy. stressing out and barely- #-sleeping. i have stretch marks from losing weight and circles under my eyes. everything's fuzzy. i keep forgetting basic things. #i'm worried about my future. i'm too disabled to function with a job but not disabled 'enough' just because i can speak 'clearly' #i've got no irl friends or family to fall back on. i can only travel so far and i get meltdowns far easier now #months ago i was treated like a pet. now i'm an adult before i ever got to be a child. #i want to be held. be loved without even having to say a word to each other. not even by an f//o but by someone who'll be willing to love m #but all i am now is sick and hungry and hot and cold and tired and awake. #i can't imagine how much worse it is for other people though. i've seen awful images and they're not even a taste of how terrible it is #i worry i won't be able to afford food in the future. or have a stable flat or apartment. that social services will let me down again #this year was meant to be a break but i'm constantly worrying about the time i become 18. my autism and lack of any social life- #will impact me and i'll be fucked over easier than ever. and that happens often #college brought me panic attacks where i'd physically harm myself till i got migraines in front of people and they didn't bat an eye #i could be kicking and screaming and begging for help but they'll just ignore me or infantilise me

[itspileofgoodthings]

my life is a very slow process of everyone around me telling me not to be anxious and me fighting them all tooth and nail while inching towards more stable mental health.

#I know it’s not true but sometimes I feel like if I didn’t have anxiety I would not suffer at all #which. again. is false #but there’s a lot of things I don’t want in this life and a lot of things I am not scared of and a lot of things I just accept #and like. It’s FINE #but all my suffering from anxiety stays in one fixed flame of sheer agony #and it’s hard because I don’t shake like a chihuahua in the corner of my bedroom #unable to move or function #I’m always doing things and functioning and joking at parties and (generally) saying the right thing #but it’s all located in one corner in the middle of my mind attacking my ability to make judgments and live with my decisions peacefully #like an unseen wound #and the distance i feel it puts between me and other people #is one of the most painful things #just several sheets of frosted glass between me and them #and sometimes the worst it gets is when I can bear it without breaking down and so I just do and I just keep functioning #and the cold just creeps in and everything goes kind of numb! #tbh now that I think about it this might be why I often think of myself as a person with no desires or ambitions or dreams #or impetus or forward motion or anything #because I DO want things and have opinions and the exist in flashes. But also they’re buried deep under several layers of protective apathy #so they’re not stable. I drop them many times. forget them ignore them imagine that they aren’t there. I’m sorry I’m rambling I’m FINE #actually when I talk about it that’s how you know I’m doing okay with it #when I can’t talk about it and am half-heartedly going through the motions #that’s the problem #anyway whew. thanks for listening sorry for all the self-reflection etc. etc. etc.

[cinnamuff]

I cannot believe all it took to get my priv account on twitter locked and suspended was posting a single melting emoji and nothing else

#space txt #I posted it. then got locked out. I log back in and see that my acct got flagged so I get limited. I get logged out for some reason?? #also my following list was gone #then I log back in and i can't reply to anything. not even myself #then I get logged out AGAIN and kinda just give up. I check my email and find out I got suspended for evasion. ok!! #I wasn't too attached to it since I made it like a month ago n wasn't planning on using it that much. esp not now #twitter is a functioning site

[countess-of-edessa]

the world is so fucked up and i can't help but think the damage is irreparable when i see people talking about how unusual and prudish it is to wait six to ten dates before having sex with someone. ten dates??? roughly like twenty five hours of interaction????? ten old timer burgers and mango iced teas from chilis equals sex?????? the possibility of pregnancy, STDs, emotional devastation, lifelong consequences, not to mention just straight up the possibility of getting murdered, with a STRANGER you have hung out with for maybe like two months???? and that's a LONG TIME???? and if you feel weird about that and don't want to do that that makes you NOT HETEROSEXUAL????? THATS AN ORIENTATION???? BECAUSE ITS SO OUTSIDE OF THE NORM OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR ????? i hate all of you i hate you i hate you i hate you every day i hate and I hate and I hate you

#i genuinely genuinely don't understand how everybody who tries to date hasn't killed themselves yet #I'm not saying they should I'm just saying I don't get how they're able to continue on #i see women on social media talking about how they had to cry for a day because they slept with a man they'd been seeing for a while and #then he never called again #no joke not trying to be dramatic I would just kill myself??? i do not understand how people can keep going after something like that #i mean I would never be in that situation because everything about it is bad but like. still #I hate to kind of agree with the 'women over 25 are too bitter for love' twitter man even in a very roundabout way #but i think men AND women participating in modern dating culture have to in some way become so hardened and kill some part of themself #just to survive??? that sounds so melodramatic but like. I can't understand how else people could continue to function as human beings #when they interact with each other in the way modern dating culture dictates

[wizardnuke]

i love dnd..i love playing heavy utility/support/backfield and i love having three to six attacks in a turn and an insane ac. at heart im a support player ill get my hands on whatever we're missing in a group

#looks at a druid a fighter and a bard fighter. okay cleric time. #i LOVE playing cleric turns out. #though abjuration wizard is still super super fun its a different flavor of support #it's not buffs it's 'i am going to transfer literally all that damage to myself and war caster style succeed my witchbolt concentration' #doing insane amounts of damage while taking damage (+ with temp hp and then just a lot of hp. im taking the tough feat as soon as possible) #aabria iyengar was right these abjuration wizards are craaaazy. but war domain clerics also fuck hard #my abj wiz is very much an experiment in 'what if someone who is not at all suited to this life tries to adapt as well as she can' #the point is that she isn't a cleric. do u understand. she's not a cleric and that's the point it's the. hbbbgbfhb. she's out here #functioning as a combat medic on some aasimar features + healing kits/potions + arcane ward. Look At Me #i also really enjoy playing nonreligious characters in these worlds where deities 100% exist not in a 'fuck the gods' way but in #a way somewhere between 'i'm all i need' and 'i called and no one answered' and 'may or may not go on an insane power hungry spiral and #try to get a touch of godhood' which is in part very due to my own agnostic and people-loving heart and 'haha what if i icarused this girl' #a resentful caution towards gods an immense respect towards religious companions and 'when your god isn't here to help. i will be' #anyway REACTION arcane ward you don't take damage im fine. next turn reaction shield ward's back up. the thing is. #she will drive her hp down. the ward isn't much like it goes past that temp hp. it's 14hp that shit goes down and carries to her hp #but it never drops. any leveled spell puts hp back into the ward. a 1st lvl shield puts it at 2hp and she can use it again #she is not suited for these conditions but my god it is fun to watch. i care her. #i explained that subclass feature to a player that's not in that campaign and said. like. yeah she can take damage. when her ward drops to #0 it carries to her. any leveled abj spell puts it back up. and she can use it and drive her hp down again. #do u understand what i am explaining to u! do you get it! she is and has always been a punching bag! #she was a very valuable asset to the army and the group she was drafted! into. because when she's there. people just don't fucking go down #aside from her. aside from her. AAAAH. she's so cool. she is very smart i am still riding the high of critting every turn w witchbolt and #reacting to ward a party member against a crit that would have dropped him by taking the hit herself. and she didn't break concentration #badass

[ritz-writes]

Fun fact: Spotlight Wukong can sing as well! But he still has stage fright, so he never does in front of anyone. Literally no one knowx that he can sing other than Macaque and MAYBE dbk (also feel like ao lie might have heard him at some point during the journey cuz i see them as besties). He's a rlly good singer too. He and Macaque used to do duets when they were alone back on FFM. But, after Macaque died, he just... kinda stopped.

Do what u will with that information <3

#i desperately want to scream about this au #but i cannot get my brain to function #just waiting for asks honestly lmao #also still working on the story but #again #brain not braining #lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk spotlight au #spotlight au #lmk wukong #lmk sun wukong #lmk macaque #shadowpeach #lmao the angst at the end was a last mintue thing #i literally cannot help myself

[guqin-and-flute]

You know what? More stretch mark headcanons.

Wen Qing has pinkish-silvery ones on her hips and thighs she got from growth spurts and puberty, and MianMian has darker, more pigmented ones on her biceps and shoulders from when she realized she puts on muscle really fast. Yanli is surprised but not upset by the one she gets on her belly and boobs when she’s pregnant with Jin Ling.

Xichen has shiny, horizontal ones on his lower back, from a sudden growth spurt. Mingjue has a lot of tiny older, pale ones on his biceps and butt, and bigger, darker, newer ones on his pecs from when he started bulking up during puberty. Huaisang has some purple-ish pink ones on the backs of his arms and old white ones when he went through weight changes as a preteen. Wuxian has a few very faded ones on his belly from when he suddenly started putting on weight from eating so well when he came to live at Lotus Pier, and some darker, hyperpigmented ones on his thighs from when they grew faster than the rest of him and Jiang Cheng called him a crane for several months.

#Cause I said so #No I will not be taking criticism at this time. #Yes I encourage participation #headcanon #nonsense headcanon corner #Or a mini one #my stuff #HELLO YES I LIVE. JUST TAKING CARE OF MYSELF ONE DAY AT A TIME. off I disappear into the darkness again. #Hopefully I'm setting up a new regimine that gets me back up to my normal baseline (or above 🤞) in ability to function #Because whoooo boy I'm in exhausted power saving mode #But sending you all heart eyes from the queue I load up

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways! #if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance! #absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much.... #the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big! #i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider. #life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

[byanyan]

catch me sobbing bc I'm about to have a desk of my own for the first time since I was like 17 😭

#me spending my entire adulthood taking up as little space as possible #everywhere I'm living in an effort to be less of a burden on whoever I'm living with #now my mom's gone & cleaned out the storage room so I can make it my space to exist so I'm not just isolating in my bedroom #we spent today in town buying shit for the room.... desk & chair & lights etc.... #and I'm v emotional about this..... i think it's going to help me a lot to like. actually exist & function. #not to get emotional about my pathetic life on the dash or anything but wow... realizing it's probably not just depression & anxiety #and that I'm actually probably autistic has done fucking WONDERS for me like. taking steps forward again. #actively working on change & like. figuring out how to cope & regulate & not blame everything about my life on myself being lazy adjgksh #honestly it's 7pm but I'm probably gonna set the desk up tonight bc I'm so fuckign excited to get that room set up now oh man... #that'll probably be most of my day tomorrow too tbh. at least until we leave to go watch d-day in cinema 😭😭 #IT'S A GOOD WEEK GUYS..... it's gonna be a good week #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me. #personal cw

[miafi]

.

#once again i'm at a point where i wish for a mental breakdown #because i am too high functioning and i have a mental block when it comes to asking for help #i know i should go to the gp and tell her what's up and ask for a sick leave #but i won't do this by myself #i need a friend to drag me there and hold my hand and tell my gp what's wrong #so i will keep going to work #and worsen my burnout and chronic fatigue and depression and whatnot #and hopefully one day i won't be able to get up from bed and someone will notice #don't mind me #personal #i just needed to vent