This really is harder than I thought, I never trusted someone as quickly or in The way I did you.. very few People have managed to scale the walls I’ve built but you did it in record time.. I started to fall for you so deeply but it wasn’t mutual and I understand that. This ones gonna take a while to get past but I’ll always have a love for you that I’m not sure I’ve had with anyone before or so quickly but I’ll try to be whatever you need me to be because I don’t ever want to lose you like I lose everyone else.. 😔
I don’t even know what this post is going to consist of, but I haven’t been feeling great to say the least and I felt like I need to finally pour it out. I had to let it out somewhere.
2020 has been pretty fucked up so far, who would’ve thought we’d end up like this, this particular year? Apparently the same events are repeating themselves during the 20’s of the last few centuries - what a messed up concept.
I agree that not being able to go out is unpleasant. Even though as an introvert and a person suffering from anxiety, I am (and kinda had to get) used to isolation and spending time alone, the thought itself that nothing’s functioning outside of my home except for supermarkets and pharmacies, is driving me crazy.
And I can’t imagine how lonely, supressed and scared the rest of the world feels, especially extroverts. I sympathise with those who feel trapped in their homes, who are away from their country or their families, who are victims of unfortunate circumstances and have it harder than I do. This doesn’t only apply to the situation with the Coronavirus, that’s how I generally feel but that’s beside the point. I feel for all of you who are having a hard time adjusting to this, I’m sending you all my love.
Though this quarantine isn’t really convenient for obvious reasons, I know it’s going to pass eventually anyway so what’s the point of drowning in self-pity and wasting our precious time when we can be productive, do the things we’ve been putting off for when “we have more time”, and simply relax. With this busy life that humanity lives right now, we deserve a break. I’ve been able to catch up with movies and TV shows, spend time with my family and I also started learning a third foreign language while keeping up with online school, assignments and stuff as well.
That’s how things are right now for all of us, but me? I started typing this post to express how pissed off I am. I’ve been feeling trapped, desperate and anxious for a couple of years now and this situation turned out to be an opportunity for me to feel even more alone. I’ve been having tough 6 months, I grew bitter and angry over this period of time and while I really want to talk about it, I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to, I don’t feel like I deserve to, I don’t feel valid.
Another reason for this is that I just can’t put my finger on what exactly is happening to me. Maybe I’ve become bitter because of family issues. Maybe it’s school stress. Maybe it’s the future that’s chasing after me and I’m afraid of. Maybe it’s the general fear or the unknown, of growing up. Maybe it’s the fact that I believe to be lazy when, in fact, I feel exhausted both mentally and physically all the time so it looks like I’m not being productive or that I don’t care.
Maybe it’s the lack is social contact or the starving for physical touch, true emotional support and most importantly, love. Platonic and romantic. I need it. I want to be someone’s one and only, I want to feel important, valuable and irreplaceable. Fuck that “how can someone love you when you don’t love yourself” bullshit. What’s so wrong about someone loving you while you’re still healing and trying to learn to love yourself too? Absolutely nothing. If anything, these people are the ones who need love and support the most.
Unfortunately, all these negative emotions have made me bitchy and mean lately and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m not a perfect person and though I take pride in my kindness and loyalty, I make mistakes and I’m not innocent. I’ve been mad at people for things I have or don’t have and for things that they have which I don’t, I’ve been pushing them away for reasons I can’t explain and this is really unfair to them so I’m incredibly sorry. I tend to often get jealous and envious but I’m working on it, my loved ones don’t deserve to put up with this.
At this point I’m probably not making sense, but I’m just so overwhelmed and it’s all coming from different places so I’m having a hard time right now. If you could relate to any of this or if it was somehow helpful to you, then I’m glad. Not that anyone would ever read this and it’ll most likely get lost anyway. Word-vomiting is something I consider myself good at and I’ll probably do it again in awhile. I hope I’ll get better so that my loved ones and I live better. I truly hope for the same to happen to you too💕
This Mercury in Retrograde bullshit can go fuck right off. No one likes you. No one asked for you. GO AWAY.
Some days it’s just me and my plants making the most of it. My grandmother passed away a week ago and it’s been hard living here without her but I’m doing little things to honor her, like baking her recipes and keeping care of all the house plants.
I’m taking life one day at time and really trying to be in the present and not go numb or zone out. So today I’m reading and writing and prioritizing time with my family.
I gave myself anxiety by filling out the Depression and Anxiety questionnaire for my counseling appointment tomorrow. 😳 It’s currently 9:56 pm. My appointment is at 1pm tomorrow (02/17/2020), how am I supposed to sleep now. 😫
My own biggest fear is what fuels me, and sometimes I believe it’s good but other times I’m not so sure.
10. “Ever been in love?”
Yes, I have. Truthfully I was engaged. Until I found out my fiancé had been cheating on me. I was blinded by love, I refused to do anything else but to love him.
Someday I hope to learn to love like that again, but with the right person.😌
When Xanax doesn’t cut it & you have two major panic attacks in a span of a few hours.
So much for being as productive as I needed to be today.
Anxiety and grief can go suck it.
I just realized something. One of the reasons I haven’t been feeling the happiest lately is because I feel like I’m not allowed to be myself. Like, I can’t fully express myself on my own Facebook page without getting flack from sperm donor and his family. It’s exhausting, tumblr is my only safe space because I don’t have to use my real name on there, unless people message and ask. I also suffer from severe depression, PTSD, and anxiety.
I call my biological father, sperm donor, because I haven’t seen him since I was five years old. Plus he isn’t the nicest of people. Also all he does is stress me out whenever he does contact me.
Tumblr has become my ONLY safe space because of him. But now I’m willing to fight back and not let him win. It’s too exhausting to pretend to be someone I’m obviously not, to sit and worry about what they think about me. It’s time I took my life back.
Enjoy a Reylo Office AU doodle while I squeal for a bit.
I’m over the moon happy right now! I finally got an office position with my job! My main career goal, as silly as it sounds, has been to have a job that doesn’t require a uniform…AND I DID IT!
I get to wear business casual guys! I get to wear pants that fit and look good! I get to be comfortable and fashionable at work! My boss said I can even be goth if I want to! Ahhhhhh!
Also my new job has study opportunities so I finally can study emergency management and other cool stuff I’ve been wanting to do.
And! I can finally write believable office fan fics because I’ll HAVE AN OFFICE JOB!
This is the happiest moment of my working adult life so far. 😭
29) one insecurity:
Only one? Damn theres so many to pick from xD but ig a main one is in my own ethnicity bc I’m never confident in myself to answer questions about it that I know the answer to, due to being far on the sides of it all, and don’t use the language for any tumblr posts either just in case I fuck something up since speaking is easier for me 🤷🏻♀️
76) Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
I mean I’m sure I have but I dont really remember any cool moments of this
I’m trying to keep it together… I really am.
But in an effort not to air out my dirty laundry on Facebook, and still keep my emotions in check in real life, where else can I go? Does anyone even read these anymore?
So… I don’t know what I did, man. But my girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment for NO REASON.
She does this thing where if I ask her if something’s up or if she’s pissed at me, she’ll tell me. “I don’t have the words for it right now, but we’re going to talk later…”
And I’m supposed to just… accept that.. NOT REACT and just move on through the day, like everything’s cool!??
I don’t have much to go off on, so this is gonna be fun to analyze.
How do you just create something you never had, but needed all your life. Recovering is like the worst puzzle I’ve ever tried to solve and the more I learn about it, the more I realize it’s simple but what I’m used to, and my family and environment makes that so much more impossible to me. Just a feeling.
I wasn’t trying to find my angles… Okay .. Like if you want to make fun of my appearance go for it. Let us all know you’re a miserable person. 🤷
I miss my daughter. She’s a black cat that used to ride on my shoulder everyday when I was on the street and when I was housed. Had to let her go cuz I couldn’t afford her vet bills. That sweet baby was everything and more.
She took my heart w her when I had to let her go. I miss her EVERY DAY!!
1. 6 of the songs you listen to most?
This is seriously like the hardest question for me, because I really just kind of passively listen to the radio, mostly like stuff from the 80′s - the mid 2010s. I almost never like ‘new’ music. So I put my music player on shuffle and kept pressing next until I found six songs that made me say “Oh, yeah, I love this one!”
1. American Girl - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers; 2, Chasing the Sun - Sara Bareilles; 3. It Had to Be You - Motion City Soundtrack; 4. May We All - Florida Georgia Line; 5. Blackbird - The Beatles; 6. All I Want - Toad the Wet Sprocket
8. Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)
Girls deserve to be happy; Boys deserve to be happy
25. Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
Honestly, neither. I work two jobs and both of them require a lot of talking to people, if I have a choice in the matter, when I’m not working I prefer to communicate by text or email. I would never, ever, ever choose to communicate by video chat though, so I’ll say phone.
32. What’s the worst place you have ever been to?
When I was dating my now ex-husband, we went to visit some family of his in Georgia. Now, I’m a Florida girl and well accustomed to what it means to live in a sub-tropical climate. Bugs are a thing, you can have the cleanest house ever and it’s not gonna stop the occasional Palmetto Bug from scurrying across your floor in the middle of the night. So there we are in this little south Georgia town (I don’t even remember the name of it) with one motel that looked like something out of Psycho, so I was already a little freaked out. I got up to go to the bathroom at ass-o’clock in the morning and I step on something that crunches (I’m literally shuddering just telling this story) and wiggles under my bare foot (*gagging sounds*) so I reach over to flip on the lamp and (NO EXAGGERATION) at least 30 roaches are racing around the floor and on the walls trying to find a place to hide. I freaked out, jumped on the bed and realized that there are at least 5 of the little fuckers on the bed with us (I’m flailing just remembering this.) I made it to the door and outside in like two leaps. I made my then-boyfriend gather up all of our stuff and bring it outside. Upon inspection there were roaches all in our duffel bags and even in my purse. I took my wallet from my purse and threw everything else back in the room and we drove home in what we wore to bed. Which, thank god, was shorts and a t-shirt and not some sexy lingerie. Didn’t even go say goodbye to his relatives.
99. If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
It costs NOTHING to be kind, and even if it does, it’s worth it. BE KIND!
12. Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
If so, I was too young to recall it now.
19. What does your URL mean?
Um… that I’m not clever enough to come up with something quirky or cute. :)
28. What’s your biggest “what if”?
I was planning to go to college out of state and at the last minute my parents decided they wanted me to stay close to home. I was so close that I went home every weekend to see my boyfriend. I didn’t embrace the college experience and ended up dropping out, getting pregnant, getting married, getting divorced, going to school part time for almost 12 years to get my degree. I ended up getting married again to a great guy who loves my daughter like his own and having a very happy life with a family I love like mad… but I often wonder what my life would have been like if I’d gone out of state for college and not been able to come home. *shrug* It’s not a regret, it’s just a “what if”
34. Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
Tim McGraw or Justin Timberlake currently. If you are asking 17 year old me, the guys from Nelson. And now “I Can’t Live Without Your Love and Affection” is stuck in my head.
37. Do you believe in luck?
I believe in lucky coincidences or happenstance. I don’t believe in superstitious luck from objects, rituals, or other things like that. I believe that luck is something that happens to you, not something you make yourself. If you affect or influence it, it’s not luck, it’s planning.
53. Do you save money or spend it?
I’m a spend thrift for little things, but save for big things. Like I spend probably $5 or $10 a day without thinking about it, but if an item is more than $50 I either have to really justify needing it, or save for it before I buy it.
54. What was the last thing you purchased?
Little thing: lunch today. Big thing: On Monday I bought a Mini Cooper. It’s the first car that I’ve ever had that I chose and paid for completely on my own. It was a great feeling.
63. What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
Online… I think I just basically stalk people until they give in to the inevitable. IRL… I am self-deprecating and really, really snarky. I make people laugh.
73. You can only have one of these things; trust or love?
80. What size shoe do you wear?
it’s all fun and games until your crush starts sending you memes
Thank you, love 💔 I can’t express how much that means to me. Those words hit hard because one of my greatest fears is to not be important enough to linger in people’s thoughts. That I’ll be forgotten,, ugh I’m rambling but I’m sorry this hit me harder than I was expecting
In loving memory
Because tonight, I miss the simpler times. Because tonight, I somewhat felt close to my 13 yo self.
Here is something no one asked for. A list of all the things I wanted to do when I grow up.
When I was little, I wanted to be:
- A doctor/ a cop/ a profiler/ a movie critic/ a writer/ a danser/ a beta tester/ a video game developer/ a film maker/ a designer/ a painter
The list goes on. But I ended up doing none of those things. These were dreams that I still cherish. Never forget your childhood dream. Honor them once in a while by talking about them. Keep them alive. They made you who you are now. Love them.