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#gif 8 the way he is cradling her head as it hangs over the edge of the bed I AM WEAK
kashimos-hajime · 3 years
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reunion pt. 2 (6/8) | r.b.
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summary: The blue and white Wings of Freedom crumple as the cape falls, spread out by the wind like true wings. Or, the winter after Shiganshina is frigid with change.
WARNINGS: mentions of heavy injuries, depression, angst all around, swearing, levi gives some advice, blood pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 8.2k
a/n: we’re nearing the end!!! ahh thats crazy adnkasln. not much reiner this chapter unfortunately but he will return next chapter!!
masterlist
crossposted on ao3!
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You land heavily on your left leg, hand on Jean’s shoulder to soften the blow to your right as you watch Hange wrestle Mikasa back. Eyes widening, you sweep the rooftop—from Levi, to Erwin, to the burnt corpse that has to be…
“Don’t tell me…”
“Armin?”
“It can’t be…”
Bertholdt. Your eyes fall to his steaming body, marks of his Titan still imprinted on his face and you fall forward. Limbs chopped to the bone, blood pooling underneath him, a cloud of steam surrounding him. You’re the only one left.
Rising to his feet, Jean’s grip is iron on your shoulder, clamping onto the joint so hard you’re sure it’ll break and you look up at him, watery breaths puffing past your lips. He stares down at you, regret sewn into his features, but even so, there’s a hard determination in them. 
You know what has to be done, he seems to say. Covering his hand with your own, a shooting pain splits your chest open as Levi looks from Erwin to Armin, back again—an impossible choice. You’re not jealous at all of the captain, deciding the fate of two soldiers who are both just as important, but for some reason, you can’t even think about Armin or Commander Erwin. 
You smell the terrible perfume of burnt flesh mixed with the smoke and dust of the ruins of Shiganshina, the blood in your mouth, the sweat lingering heavily around them. It reminds you of Trost, of Reiner holding you as he told you Marco had died. You somehow can’t think of anything else.
It’s not until Levi tells them to get that you can tear your eyes off Bertholdt’s slumbering face. He looks almost peaceful and you reach a limp hand for him but Jean tugs at your shoulder, and you look at him.
“Come on,” he utters softly, and you let him help you up, hopping on your broken leg with a grimace. You can do this, you tell yourself as Captain Levi drags Bertholdt towards the commander by the scruff. Whatever happens, at least it’s for good, right? Please, just sleep, Bertholdt. I don’t want you to suffer anymore than you already have. 
“Captain Levi, can I—“ Your voice comes out from your chest, surprising everyone there including yourself, and the bloody captain freezes, turning to look at you. You set your jaw, limping away from Jean who tries to stop you. “I just want to say goodbye.”
Levi’s eyes search yours, and then flicker to Hange, still holding Mikasa. A beat passes.
“Make it quick,” he allows. “The rest of you, scram.” The sound of ODM gear splits the air, iron wire screeching as the Scouts left head towards a distant rooftop. Walking towards the captain, you give him a weary look as he sets down Bertholdt’s body.
Crashing to your knees, you reach a hand to brush the dark hair out of his eyes, and his forehead doesn’t even crease when your fingertips brush over his brow. Overwhelmed, you can only gently trace the Titan markings on his cheeks, hollowed out patches of skin that outline his bones, reveal the muscle pulling his face together.
“Bertl,” you whisper. “Why didn’t you just kill me?” You wait for an answer that’ll never come, hand flattening against his warm cheek, and you feel his gentle breath against your fingers as your eyes begin to burn. “Why didn’t either of you just kill me? If we’re all devils, what made me so special?” You blink, and the tears fall down your face, land on his chest in gentle splatters. With your other hand, you cradle his face completely in your palms, and you bow your head.
“Nothing’s special about you,” Levi mutters, and your head snaps up to see him standing over Bertholdt’s body, nothing but a cold indifference struggling to find its place in his eyes. “They just decided you were. That’s all it was.”
His words sting, but nonetheless, you don’t let it faze you. You draw your hands back towards your lap.
“Captain, please keep it quick. I don’t want him to suffer,” you whisper, and you meet blue-grey eyes resolutely before pulling yourself up. “I don’t think I’ll survive hearing him scream.”
“Hurry up and go,” he orders. “I’ll be as merciful as I can.” Nodding numbly to yourself, you glance down at Bertholdt one last time, before heading towards the edge of the roof and launching yourself back towards the others. Mikasa helps ease you down to your knees and you send her a grateful look before shuffling in between Jean and Connie. Watching the captain’s green figure crouch beside the Commander’s, your nerves are shot and your headache only begins to intensify.
“Armin,” Eren’s muffled sob pricks at your ear but you ignore him, eyes trained on the singular figure arched over the apex of the roof. 
“What’s taking him so long?” Jean mutters.
“Maybe the transformation isn’t instantaneous?” Connie suggests.
“If that were the case, the captain would’ve left and watched the commander transform from a safe distance.” Leaning forward, one of your hands plant on the wood of the apex on the gabled roof as the cloaked figure stands. Together, the Scouts watch as Levi turns around, walking to the other end of the roof towards a black, burnt body. Ragged, wet gasps tear the air as Eren lunges forward. Mikasa grabs his arm, hauling him back, and your eyes widen.
He’s going back for Armin, you realize distantly. He changed his mind. Why? How could he—
There isn’t time for questions. As soon as the captain seems to inject the fluid, he kicks Armin’s body off the roof before turning around and grabbing Commander Erwin’s body. Hange lets out a soft noise, sprinting off the roof towards their friend while the rest can only watch as lightning splits the air for just a flash of a second, destroying the back end of the home. Splinters and debris go flying as steam arises from the spot where lightning struck and the two senior officers retrieve the commander, retreating to a roof a distance away.
Only a few more seconds. Bertholdt has to stay unconscious for just a few more seconds. Jean’s hand on your shoulder is iron-like again, nails digging through your jacket, a silent warning that you don’t have to watch, but you’re frozen to your spot, waiting.
The shrill sound of wood ripping fills the air, even from where they watch, as one bony claw reaches through the steam. What follows—a blond head, a body more skeleton than flesh, and a gaping mouth.
Armin. His name sounds foreign in your head as he reaches Bertholdt. 
You hear the first sob as he plants a hand onto his prey, lifting him into the air.
“No!” Raw and burning, Bertholdt’s screams brand into your eardrums as he thrashes as hard as he can in Armin’s grip but he’s nothing more than a limbless body and a head. Your world splits open as he’s raised through the sky. The fear fractures your chest, the desperation sinks into your skin, and you want to tear your eyes out but your fingers remain dug into the ridge as he screams wetly. Your hand is blistering, on fire along your fingers, and blood congeals on your tongue.
For the rest of your days, you will remember the moment his eyes found yours, bulging wide with untamed, unnatural dread.
“Guys, please!” Sobbing, his voice grows hoarse as Armin’s jaw unhinges. “Help me!” Head snapping, swinging, whipping any which way until he can free himself, the way his neck thrashes makes your stomach roll. Your legs are begging for orders, begging to spring forward to save him as the shadow of a Titan falls over his face. 
Bertholdt screams your name and it pierces through, a bullet that shatters every nerve as your eyes begin to burn. Your teeth clench before you’re pushing off the roof, boots gritting against tile
“Bertholdt!” Pain spirals through your entire body as you take one step before an arm wraps around your neck, flinging you back. You fall onto your spine, the breath knocked out of you and your feet kick out, ODM gear clanking against the tile. Hands surrounding you, pinning you down, and you flail your arms and legs, nails clawing at anything you can make contact with, gasping for air, for space, for anything. “Bertholdt! No! No! Please!” 
Vision blurring, you try to make out your captors as a knee presses into your wrist and another slams into your shoulder. Breath shuddering, your feet lash at the air, desperately trying to push yourself away from the others to save him. You have to save him—Captain Levi said it’d be merciful—
“Hold her down! Shit!”
“I’m trying!”
“Bertholdt!” Your throat begins to bleed and you taste the fire in your lungs as your head slams backwards, your back arching off the roof. Tears sear into your skin. Your eyes squeeze shut and you let out a furious sob, heaving and wheezing before your mouth falls open and a burning scream bursts from your chest. Ribs poking into every inch of your flesh, your hands fly up to dig into elbows. Whoever you hold onto do not wince and you hear a jagged voice, wrought with anguish.
“Go! Go get Armin and make sure he’s okay. I have her—“
“But, Jean—“
“Connie! Go with Eren and Mikasa. We’ll be okay.” The knee on your shoulder lifts and you immediately swing your fist at Jean, clocking him in the cheek and knocking him off you. Throwing yourself up, you scramble forward and wipe at your face but the tears still do not cease. You can barely see.
Your heart decays, a cold, throbbing agony filling you as you scan the square. You see the blonde Titan just in view behind the house, collapsed on his stomach, steaming more and more as someone erupts from the nape. 
The agony numbs.
So, that’s it then.
Bertholdt’s…
Crumpling in on yourself, your fingers clasp at the base of your neck and you curl into a ball, eyes sliding shut. Everything inside you falls apart, shattering into a million pieces and the walls around you begin to fall in, the fatigue and pain and heartache piling on top of you, burying you, blocking out the sun, you’ve lost everything, you have no one. 
You couldn’t even save Bertholdt—
“Jean, go to the others.” Fingers tightening around your head, your tears scorch as they fall into your hairline, disappearing in all the grime and dust and blood staining your body. “I’ll deal with this.”
“Yes, Captain.”
Shoulders shaking, your breath puffs hot against your face and you’re panting for air as your back kinks painfully. Stabbing sensations nestled right underneath your shoulder blades, you begin to wheeze, face beginning to flush, body beginning to grow number and number until you can’t even feel the pain anymore of shattered bones. 
All you can hear is Bertholdt screaming for you to help him, the silence of your body.
Why couldn’t you move?
Failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure.
It spells itself out, digs its talons into your brain and pries you open until you’re sobbing harder into the stone. Your heart thuds in your mouth, large and swollen, as hands grip your shoulders, wrenching you up. On instinct, cold air seeps into your chest and you let out a gasp, face in pieces as you lift it to the sky. 
“Hey!” Your eyes spring open as the hands on your shoulders grow more insistent and you lower your wet stare to Levi who is already studying with his quicksilver gaze. You feel everything inside you drain out. His teeth are bared in a tight scowl, and you still tremble in the aftershocks but he only holds on tighter. “Give yourself a moment, then pull yourself together. We still have a job to do. After that, I’ll give you as much time as you want to cry your little eyes out.”
“Captain—“ Your voice breaks, and Levi’s eyes flicker as you stare right through him. He lets go, drawing his hands back to himself. “Do you think it hurt?”
He pauses, deliberates this. “I think the fear was probably the worst part. If it hurt, it was only for one intense moment. Arlert crushed his head open,” he informs and your heart becomes a stone in your chest. “Now, come on. I’ll splint your leg and then we’re moving Erwin.”
“But, but Armin—“
“Do you really want to see him right now?” he cuts off sharply, and you wince as he stands. “Hange will take care of the others. You’re coming with me.”
Weakly, you mumble out his name, but he doesn’t stop as you struggle to your feet, following after him. You wipe at your face with sweaty hands, but it doesn’t help at all, only smearing it all over your exhausted features. Lungs still spasming in the occasional hiccups, you let your smashed, bruised fingers fall uselessly.
Captain Levi leads you to a demolished square near the Wall where Hange is already piling supplies, Commander Erwin’s body laid to rest. Eyes widening, you look at his corpse before looking at Levi who only looks over the body in passing before walking to a crate and ordering for you to sit down.
“We’ll be going over the Wall. I need to know you’re in shape to keep moving.”
“The others are bringing Armin back here before we start searching for survivors,” Hange informs.
You nod as Levi cuts away your pant leg and you grimace when you realize how swollen it is along your shin. Shaking his head to himself, he yanks your boot off and begins to wrap a nearby piece of wood he found and broke into the right length to your leg, splinting the bones tightly. Your bruised and broken fingers dig into the crate with every wince but he keeps going and going as you look down at him.
He slips the final round underneath the layers of cloth before stuffing your foot back into your boot despite the pressure mounting as soon as he does.
He steps back and you stand unsteadily. The pain is even worse, now, but you’re just going to have to be stuck with it. You’re sure walking around on a broken leg isn’t good for the health, but it shouldn’t matter. There’s still work to do.
“How much gas do you have?”
“Enough,” you reply, patting your ODM gear and he nods. 
“I’m refilling once we get over the wall. All our supplies are probably knocked everywhere so grab as much as you can on the way back.”
“Yes, sir.”
.
The battlefield reeks of the tang of blood and shit. The air is hot and heavy under the beginnings of a warmer afternoon, and your stomach roils at the bloody mist still tinting the air. This was a massacre—nothing less—and you swallow your nausea, picking your way through the battlefield.
They search for a singular thing, but with the amount of red on the field, you can’t pick out what used to be brown from what used to be green.
“It would’ve been closer to the houses than the others,” Levi mutters. “Forster said he was hit first.” You nod, turning around and examining the land they’ve already traversed.
Standing beside your captain, your eyes widen when you catch sight of the only white on the field. It reminds you of the flags they’d teach about in cadet corps—white meant fall back, white meant give up.
White meant nothing Commander Erwin stood for, and you let out a soft gasp. Levi’s gaze snaps to you.
“Commander Erwin’s horse,” you finally croak, lifting a dead finger to point at the steed. It lays limp, dirty, and the more you focus on it, the more you can make out its features. His eyes are closed, and you could’ve believed the stallion was asleep as you approach it and crouch down slowly, touching the horse’s cheek. “Sleep well.”
“What a fucking shitstorm,” Levi murmurs as you push yourself up. He tugs your elbow to help you, and you send him an appreciative glance but you find he’s already looking at everything else, haunted pale gaze searching for something. 
He looks starving for his target, greedy, and you look away. There’s blood that hasn’t steamed away from his face, and you don’t want to think about whose it could be.
You turn to see where the dirt had been imprinted on in an odd-long oval shape, different from the thousands of hoofprints stomped into the mud. A drag mark, carved into the soft mud. Following the trail, your throat begins to close up as you hobble beside it, only stopping when you finally find what they’re looking for. 
You see the green cape, soaked in red, dragging at the ground, muddied and soiled, stepped all over and half-buried. 
Nonetheless, you reach down pick it up, flapping what dry crumbs you can off the fabric and folding it over your arm before glancing over to where Levi stands near the horse’s head, staring at the patch of blood soaking the dirt.
“Captain, I found it.” You tilt your head heavily. “Captain?” Returning to his side, you try to find what he’s looking at. Following his gaze, you frown warily at the patch where the mud is saturated red, the grass still drinking in the blood like it’s been stuck in a drought and it mixes like a sickly stew.
Commander Erwin’s blood, you realize after a moment. Nausea sluices through you and you blink away the burning. The idea of him, cold, lying in the blood and awake, listening to his troops die around him…
“Captain, I found it,” you whisper rawly. As if your words break the trance Levi has put himself in, he looks up, shaking his shoulders out.
“Finally, he’ll have something to cover himself with,” he mutters at last, grabbing the cape from you, and you only look at your captain. At the rough, deep quality in his tone you’ve never heard before as he clears his throat. “Idiot.”
“Sir, don’t you mean buried with?” you ask timidly, and he shakes his head. “We’re not going to leave him here, are we?”
“We’re not bringing him back with us. By all means, his dream lived here and he died here. He fought his whole life to get here—I’m not going to be the one to take him away from that.”
Take him away from his mission, you hear in your head. Who is Captain Levi to decide that? Who are you to decide? Erwin stays here. It makes sense. I stay here. They had a mission. Who was I? Who was I to tell them to stop because of me?
“I’ll come back,” Levi continues, promises, but not to you, “to bury him. When this is all over. He deserves a proper burial.” Lips pressing together, you swallow down your words, and bow your head. After an unknowable amount of time, Levi finally sighs, shoulders caving, and starts walking back to the Wall. The green is clutched tight in his fist. You stand by the blood stain, the tip of your boot beside the head of the horse who could’ve been sleeping and he calls out, voice sharp and normal again: “C’mon. We can’t hang around—“
“I want to help you bury him,” you blurt out before you can stop yourself and Levi freezes in his spot. Swallowing, you close your eyes for a moment, feel every nerve inside you pulse, before you fix your gaze on the Wings of Freedom printed on Levi’s back. “I know it’s not my place, but Commander Erwin gave me a chance to prove I wasn’t weak and I failed him. I need to make it up to him somehow.”
Levi sighs softly before continuing on and you limp after him as fast as you can, catching up after a few pained grunts. Your leg is blistering, burning from the inside out, but nothing has scorched you more than your tears, so in comparison, you almost feel relieved.
“Some things I have to do on my own, you understand that?”
Despite yourself, the faintest ripple in your lips that could’ve been a smile runs through your face before disappearing as if it were never there. It’s something he’s told you so many times during your suspension and you dip your head.
“Of course, sir.”
He nods numbly. “Okay, then.”
.
The others went to the basement and you’re left here.
Someone calls your name softly as you sit on the edge of the wall, looking at the ruins of Shiganshina hollowly. Raising your head, you see Armin standing, and you sweep your gaze for a moment before turning to look at the city again. He sits uninvited next to you and you barely resist the urge to ask him to leave you alone, reminding yourself you have no reason to be angry with him.
He didn’t eat Bertholdt on purpose. It’s just how the cards were dealt, how the dice was rolled. The pieces on the chess board lined up, and they had a chance to seize a game-winning piece.
Armin twiddles his thumbs. Your shoulders slump forward.
“I’m… I’m really sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?” you intone quietly. “What matters is that you’re okay.”
“Yeah, but I ate Bertholdt, and I know—“
“Armin, don’t.” He falls quiet, and you look at him desolately. “There really isn’t anything we can do about it, now. At the end of the day, they’re gone, and I’m still here. You’re still here, and Bertholdt isn’t. That’s all.”
“I know.”
“I really am happy that you’re okay, Armin. I’m so grateful that you could come back, and that our side managed to get another Titan power. Maybe we can turn the tides, but…”
Knowingly, he finishes it for you, “But the price was too high for you.”
The words make you flinch and you don’t correct him.
“They could’ve killed me so many times. I’m starting to wonder why they didn’t,” you whisper mostly to yourself. A doe blue gaze fall on your cheek, and you close your eyes, pressing your lips into a thin line.
“Because they care about you. I could never try and kill Mikasa or Eren. I can’t even imagine it, so the fact that you tried to put those feelings aside for duty, I think that’s saying a lot more than you’re giving yourself credit for.”
You scowl at his words, hating the tears threatening to spill over your cheeks again. You’re drained, dried out, yet still, more tears are always coming even when you think you’re done. 
“Armin, if I took the multiple chances I had to kill Bertholdt, to kill Reiner, I think both you and Commander Erwin would be alive. Captain Levi would’ve never had to make such an impossible choice, and—“ And maybe I could remember how to breathe without all this weight on my chest. But you don’t say that. Instead, quietly, you plead, “Can you just… leave me alone? I don’t want to talk, right now.”
Armin’s lips upturn into a hurt frown, but you only stare at the space just in front of your knees, focus fixed on some imaginary spot. Before long, he’s pushing himself to his feet and walking back to Sasha, and you clasp your hands, watching the city blankly.
For some reason, you can’t stop thinking about the time you and Annie had walked the walls the day before graduation, finding Reiner and Bertholdt up there, too. How had that only been a few months ago?
It feels like years, now.
Without a second thought, you pick yourself up slowly, your splinted leg awkwardly colliding with the stone. Levi told you to get some rest, but…
You begin to walk away from the others, not quite sure where you’re going. You go past Floch, who’s taking watch, and when you close your eyes, you can hear footsteps behind you—two, light and fleeting, one more sure and steady.
“Have fun in the MPs, Annie. I’m sorry I couldn’t come with you.”
“You won’t be missing much.”
“Yeah, but—“
“Hey, the military ranking shouldn’t determine whether or not someone can join the MPs. What if someone’s just as good, but didn’t make it into the top ten because of how limited the spots are? It doesn’t make sense.”
A sharp laugh. “Someone needs to wash Bertholdt’s mouth, creampie. Look at him, renegading against the government.”
Eyes snapping open, you turn to look over your shoulder.
Nothing but still air.
.
The next few days pass in nothingness. 
You’re moved to the old Scouts headquarters—where Section Commander Miche died, you still feel his ghost lingering the halls—away from the others.  It’s mostly empty besides a few Garrison Regiment officers who keep an eye on you—Captain’s orders, and they’re your main source of news, even if it is just catching hints of gossip. You don’t speak to them, mostly because you’re sure they think guarding a teenager with broken bones who doesn’t even talk back is way below their pay grade.
Most of your friends aren’t keen on talking to you either, with a fair few forced exceptions, but at this point, you’ve written your report, detailing everything you did during the campaign, and you don’t want to talk to them either. You haven’t since their ride back.
They know you went back for Reiner, and, instead of striking him down, you tried to pull him free. It doesn’t matter.
You roll onto your side. Everything feels grey, time passing by inconsequentially in the rise and fall of the sun. You mostly stay in your room, content to let Shiganshina crush the ruins of your memory into dust, and you don’t recognize what day it is. Your nights are plagued with flashes of Bertholdt, the sounds of his screams ringing until you’re deaf. Reiner’s bare, burned face, steaming, eyes covered in a blindfold too tight over his skin.
The ragged gasp of your name.
There’s a knock on the door. You don’t budge from where you stare out the window, at the sun gleaming in through. It dapples on the cotton of your sheets, gentle pools of gold, and you trace one of the warm shapes absently with your wrapped, splinted fingers.
It nearly frightens you how much you don’t feel, how much you don’t care what happens to you next. The world is hollow, everything inside it scooped out and replaced with black coldness. 
“I know you’re awake in there.”
Levi.
“You better be decent. I’m coming in either way.”
The door clicks and swings open.
They had a ceremony two days ago, honouring the survivors of the expedition before they could move on to a far more somber occasion today—a service for Commander Erwin at the end of the week, and the government going into a state of mourning. Flags are raised, speechs are prepared to be given, and you’re pretty sure the empty casket will be closed and buried somewhere in Mitras, empty words carved into a plaque.
Levi’s sigh breaches your ears. “Have you at least eaten today?”
“Yes.” You don’t move nor start at the creakiness in your voice. Blinking slowly, you examine a ripple in the bedsheet. “Doctor said if I didn’t, he’d break my other leg.”
“Good.” He walks to the window, and you see his shape lingering at the edge of your eyes. Tilting your head, you look at him. He looks rested, as well as he can be, but there’s a raggedness in his stature, the exhaustion engrained in his face that only comes with grief.
“The memorial is today,” you point out unhelpfully. “Will you be speaking?”
“Have to,” he mutters brusquely. “Not exactly excited to eulogize Erwin in front of a bunch of stuck-up bastards. Don’t think he would’ve minded either, if I didn’t.”
“So why are you doing it?” You shift a bit, sit up a bit straighter. There’s a pulse of silence where Levi seems to debate how to answer. His lips press into a thin, white line, and he scowls at his reflection in the pane of glass, before he exhales sharply.
“I don’t know,” he says before shifting the discussion blatantly. “Either way, you won’t hear it. You don’t need to come.”
“Sir…”
“You didn’t come to the ceremony two days ago, either,” he snorts. “I’m sure it’s no skin off your back.” He’s right, and you smile grimly. “Focus on healing.” Tugging at the lapel of his formal Survey Corps coat, he continues, “It’ll be a waste of time, anyway. Most of them spent most of their careers hating him. I doubt her Royal Majesty or any of your friends will want to be there, either.”
You swallow, sitting upright and adjusting the pillows against your back. He glances over, and rakes his gaze down your body with a critical glare.
“Would you look at that? You haven’t moulded to the futon, yet. I was starting to think you had lost your body back in Shiganshina.” He steps away from the window and turns, standing at the foot of your bed.
Clearing your throat, you reach up to scratch your collarbone and find blue-grey fixed on your fingers. “When do you think we can go back for him, Captain?”
Levi frowns, gaze flickering up to your face again. 
“I don’t know. At this point, it could be months before the state declares that Wall Maria is free of Titans, especially with how small the Survey Corps are. Garrison soldiers can only help so much,” he adds grudgingly. “And the MPs are pretty much useless. Most of them. And Hange… is doing their best. Let’s just say that.” You nod again. He glances at the clock airily, then at you again. “Get some rest.”
“Yes, sir,” you reply, and he studies you quickly, gauging how honest you are with your promise, before he sticks his hands in his pockets and turns around. Your stomach is a thousand stones in your stomach as he glances at the splintered wood of the wall, and his footsteps slow to a stop. Watching his profile, you wait for him to say something as he lowers his gaze to the waste bin by the door.
He doesn’t. He simply continues out the door, speaks to the soldier on guard outside your room, and disappears from your sight.
“Lunch will be in two hours,” the soldier says before closing the door. You turn to look out the window.
Two days earlier, Connie and Sasha had come bearing a bolo tie, green gem gleaming, expression somber.
“It’s yours. For your services to the Survey Corps and to Historia.”
You had the grace to wait for them to be gone before flinging it with all your might at the wall and listening to the wood splinter as it clattered to the bottom of the bin. 
.
The snow melts as soon as it touches your nose, and you glance at Levi uneasily as he jams the tip of the shovel into the dirt. His jacket’s been shed, and you swear he could be steaming with how much sweat drenches his entire body. He had insisted on laying the Commander’s bones to rest  and burying him yourself which meant you had perched yourself on the roof overhanging the little clearing they’d found. It’s off-track in an already trampled ceremony—his grave now the singular headstone in a field of a thousand bodies—but it’s somewhere he can rest, you’re sure.
Adjusting your grip on your ODM gear, you look up at the blindingly grey sky. The snow slows to a stop as you fall to one-knee, examining the terrain.
Returning to active duty had been difficult. Rehabilitation even harder. You felt like there was scrutiny everywhere you walked, and there was a strange air lingering as the summer faded and fall began.
Even now, you’re sure Levi and Hange are the only people who bother to check up on you because they want to, not because they’re obligated to remember whether or not you’re still alive.
You scratch at your neck. Eventually they had to clear out the old barracks where you’d been staying which is what you’ve been doing for the past few months to avoid any clashes with your friends, and you’d come across the chess set, untouched, the pieces still in place as if the players had simply forgotten the game.
Your fingers had brushed over the piece Reiner had called a pawn, and it felt that much heavier. 
A foul poison erodes your heart as you glance down at Levi again. He’s crouched in front of the tombstone, and you look away again, at the Wall. Beyond that—
Reiner is still out there. You wonder if he thinks of you half as much as you think about him, and whether if it’s just as laced with rage and longing. Half the time, you think you could scream into his face before tearing his head off his shoulders. Other times, you just want him back. You want to see Bertholdt’s smile again. You want to hear Annie’s dry jokes.
You could cry yourself to dehydration if you thought about it enough.
A sharp whistle cracks the air and you look down. Levi’s looking up at you, shrugging his jacket back on and you lower yourself back to the ground with a burst of gas, landing beside him.
There’s a quiet in which he gives you a sharp nod and you know what to do.
Accepting the handkerchief Levi offers you, you wipe at Erwin’s grave where some mud had been kicked up on the letters before laying down the flowers you had cradled in your arm. They’re dry, the petals already crumbling, but still, despite how gloomy everything seems, it almost feels right. 
You step back, squinting a bit, the handkerchief clutched tight in your hand. The tombstone is a marbled grey, polished smooth and rectangular in shape, the corner sharp enough to puncture skin. Carved into the surface is his name, birth and death date, his title—and underneath all of that: 
HIS FATHER’S SON
The epitaph is almost haunting the more you look at it and you salute the headstone before letting your hand fall to your side. Staring at the tombstone too small for a man of the Commander’s stature, you feel something hot sear through your chilled body. It’s nothing he deserves. 
“Do you know why you were placed under my watch for a month?”
You blink, turning to look at the Captain. He’s paled so much in the winter months, it’s hard to think you aren’t looking at a ghost. The only exceptions are his red nose, his lips, and his flaring cheeks. That and those knife-point eyes.
“Because everyone around me was a traitor,” you murmur blankly, unsure of why he’s asking. Your hands ball into tight fists as you add, “And it only made sense that I should be one, too. Who better to watch me then Humanity’s Greatest to make sure I didn’t shift into a Titan, too?”
“It’s because Commander Erwin insisted not to leave you alone,” Levi agrees, “but not because he didn’t trust you. I doubt someone like you would turn around against the only people who are there for you. I read your file. Orphaned at birth, you grew up on a farm with no close known relations.” You turn your face away, teeth gritting together, and Levi tilts his head. “The 104th were all you had. Human nature insists that we latch onto those we have left.”
“Even you, Captain?” 
Levi doesn’t answer. When you look at him again, his stare on the stone is darker, laced with noxious grief. “This job isn’t pleasant. You lose enough people—even those you didn’t care for—and you either grow numb, tired, or so damaged you can’t even wake up to another day. Most people find life meaningless after a few years.”
“Right…” Struggling to find the words, you cross your arms over your chest, fingers wrapping tight around your biceps. “I don’t know where you’re going with this. I’m still here, aren’t I?”
A heavy sigh. Levi shifts his boots in the grass. 
“And what are you going to do after? What’ll you set your mind to next? Working as a Scout? I doubt you’ll find any fulfillment in working with people you don’t trust.”
“That’s not true—“
“You have a knack for isolating yourself when you believe you’re unneeded. Exiling yourself to an abandoned building under the pretence of ‘cleaning it out’ can only last so long,” he cuts off sharply, eyes finding yours dully. You clench your jaw, swallowing hard. He looks back at the tomb. “Look, I’m going to tell you something, and I expect you not to speak of it again, got it?” 
You nod tightly. “Of course, sir.”
“I’m aware of people misunderstanding or making assumptions of where I’ve come from. To put it simply, I was a criminal in the Underground and I ran a network with two others. They were as close to me as I assume Hoover, Braun, and Leonhart were to you.” 
You nod again, slower this time.
“We joined the Survey Corps because the Commander insisted it was a better alternative to a life time’s sentence in Mitras dungeons. I’m still waiting on that promise, Erwin,” he adds without any bite. Instead, his tone almost softens. “When they died on our first expedition outside the walls, I wanted to be left alone. He was only Section Commander at the time, and Shadis insisted I should be left to the MPs.
“Erwin refused. He forced me to come to training for the next expedition, to drills, and to the events the military held every once in a while just so I wouldn’t stay in my room all day. I lashed out. I screamed at him behind closed doors, was an outright violent son of a bitch and an unpleasant one at that, but he persisted.”
Levi scoffs. “It took me a long time to grasp what he was doing besides being a nuisance. It was when I realized I was constantly at his right hand when he was promoted to Commander did I understand. Every human dies. Whether or not they sacrificed themselves for a greater cause, it will always be a selfish act in the end.”
“Selfish?” you echo. “But, Commander Erwin died for the Scouts to survive, didn’t he? If he never did, you never would’ve stopped the Beast Titan. We’d probably all be dead.”
“And who’s left to clean after his mess, huh?” he cuts coolly. “That’s what’s selfish about death—those corpses get off scot-free. Their last moments may be guilty, or afraid, but they won’t give a damn the minute they stop breathing. It’s the living who have to deal with the consequences. Grieving alone sends you into a pit that’s hard to crawl out of. You either sink, or you come out of it strong like hell, but it’s easier when something’s at the top, so to speak. Telling you to get off your ass and climb out.”
He scowls, and his glare narrows at the epitaph as he half-heartedly kicks some of the disturbed dirt at Erwin’s headstone, but it’s less malicious and almost as if, even now, Levi wants to point fingers at Erwin. “I don’t know. Metaphors were always this idiot’s strong suit. All I know is how to cut down Titans.”
Your shoulders sink. “Captain Levi…”
“He’s why I volunteered to supervise. I remember what our gracious Commander told me,” he says quietly. “It’s a lonely life we walk. The people who stay are the ones we have to hold onto with both hands and all our might.”
You soak in his words silently, tracing the carved E in the stone with your eyes. Levi sighs, lowering his head and shoving his hands deeper into his pockets. He seems to shake his head to himself, pale eyes darkening, lips twisting into a furious scowl. You know that scowl well—it’s the type of face one pulls when they’re trying to hide how real fucking sad they are.
You look away. You shouldn’t be seeing this.
“Suppose that doesn’t matter, though,” he murmurs. “They can slip through either way. What you need to do now is keep moving. You keep them in your memory, and you keep moving, but stop letting them haunt you. Find a new purpose, or it’ll be meaningless and you’ll realize you should’ve died, not those poor bastards who devoted their hearts to what they wanted.” He tilts his head back to the sky. Softly, then: “No one else can do that for you.”
You slide your own hands into your pockets, pull it tighter around yourself. “What if I don’t know what to do? What I want with my life?”
The first raindrop hits him first. A gentle splash against his nose that makes his eyes flutter, but not close. The next hit you, tapping against your skull that soothes the ache in your chest.
“Keep moving on, anyway, until you find it. It’s no good to stand around thinking about what should’ve been or what you could’ve done. Regret begets regret—have enough and it’ll start affecting your choices. Don’t have any when you go, and maybe you’ll live a life happier than most.”
You nod. Your neck feels tired. For lack of anything else, you manage to say, “Captain Levi… I’m really sorry for your loss.”
He doesn’t answer.
You stand there, fixing your gaze at the gravestone for a moment more, before bowing your head and saying your thank you to the fallen Commander. You turn around.
“I’ll wait for you by the Wall, sir,” you murmur. He nods, still staring up at the sky as if he can see something you cannot. You study his profile for a moment, then begin to walk away.
.
Riding back to Trost, the weight slowly returns, bearing down on your shoulders as if you can already feel the thousand-pound stares. The elevators are lowered and they step on, dismounting quickly to ease the horses. Garrison soldiers are posted along with a singular Scout, and you frown when you reach the top.
“Jean?”
He smiles grimly. “How was it?”
“Shitty, I guess.” 
And you leave it at that. Jean watches you critically, surveying your form, but you only stand on the edge of the Wall, looking at a world that’s about to get much bigger.
In truth, you don’t know how to answer. Your whole body is heavy, only going through the movements as Levi climbs up next to you. He takes the reins of your horse as well and heads off without a second word. You watch him go as he walks towards the nearest building, presumably to find the nearest elevator down the other side of the Wall. 
Sighing, you turn around to face the land you’ve just travelled. Wall Maria stands in the distance. Your gaze fixes on nothing, staring through, and you wonder if you’re just as ghostly as you think you are. All you can hear is the sound of Bertholdt, screaming for you to save him. 
The land is barren, desolating to even look at it with the faint rain muddying everything and dulling all the colours. The grass is brown, the trees frail and empty. Nothing like a few months ago when everything seemed so promising of life.
“One day, we’ll be eating like this every day,” you had told Annie during a visit to Trost once. She was quiet, her blue eyes focused on the cream bun but softer than you thought was normal. Her lips curved into a faint smile as you added, “Just imagine it. Us as the dream team in the MPs, solving assignments together, and eating sweets in the inner Wall. It sounds nice, doesn’t it?”
“I guess.”
How did that dream turn into this nightmare? It’s like every part of you has been chopped off until you’re nothing but a bleeding body and a heart struggling to find the energy to pulse another second. Your limbs are gone, bleeding, ravaged, your head’s aching, and you feel every shadow held back by Annie’s fierce stare, Bertholdt’s arms, Reiner’s body shielding you, swarm you all at once now that they’re no longer there to protect you.
Joining the military had numbed your body, and Bertholdt and Reiner had cut you off at the knees. And Annie… 
Annie had spelt out tragedy on your throat in blood. If only you hadn’t ignored the red dripping down your neck, staining every word you breathed, maybe you could’ve stopped this.
You are wrestling for a way to keep crawling towards the light, but you will never be fast enough. Captain Levi had been right. Now that you’re alone, the pit is steeper than the walls, steeper than your fear, and the idea of waking up, of walking side by side with people who you’ve turned your back on for traitors, makes you nauseous.
They don’t deserve your half-hearted loyalty. 
Your shoulders fall at that revelation, and your eyes close when you realize what you want.
It’s something you told Reiner, a million years ago.
No more bloodshed, no more war. There didn’t have to be water, there just had to be him—but even so, that can’t happen anymore.
The former, however…
“We don’t hate you, you know,” Jean says. “None of us blame you for what happened. You can still come back.”
“That’s really nice of you, Jean,” you murmur blankly as your hands move on their own accord. “But I just can’t let this go.”
You reach up to your neck, and pull the green cloak away from your throat. Drawing it off your shoulders, you hold it in your hands, the blue and white wings of freedom dull in the pale light. You run a hand through the fabric, over the stitched insignia that once meant so much to you before you step closer to the edge. Jean’s eyes snap to you.
Freedom feels like nothing when everyone who was supposed to stand next to you the day you achieved it is gone.
Fists tightening in the green, you clench your teeth and with a silent exhale, you fling it off the side of the wall. Jean lets out a strangled noise, and together, the two watch as it flutters to the bottom of the wall. 
The blue and white Wings of Freedom crumple as the cape falls, spread out by the wind like true wings.
“What are you doing?” he asks roughly as your hands move next to your belt. Undoing the clasp, the metal collides with your frigid, mended fingers, and your skin begins to burn as he grabs your arm, trying to stop you. “Hey—“
You jerk out of his grip, not looking at him. You don’t think you can.
“I need to find a new life, Jean,” you murmur, your stomach flipping, your heart wilting, your words carrying in the wind. “This one is finished.”
“No. No, your life is here.” 
Your face burns as you blink, something warm trailing down your cheeks, but Jean only grabs you by the shoulders, trying to make you look at him but still, you continue to detach yourself from the contraption. He turns you, shaking you gently, but not even an immovable object can stall the unstoppable force of your hands.
Throat cinching shut, you stare at his chest as your ODM gear falls to the ground in an ungraceful crash. The hollow thud of the containers rattles your body and you look down at your gear that’s brought you so far.
“Don’t do this,” Jean murmurs. “You’re a Scout. Don’t let them make you give up.”
“No one’s making me give up, Jean.” You finally look up, look right through him, and Jean flinches back, his hands loosening and you take the opportunity to twist, shoving your gear off the wall with one swift kick. Heat shoots up your leg and the pain warms your entire body. 
ODM gear falls, nothing more than deadweight, and it clanks against the wall before bouncing off the stone, and Jean jumps off, deploying his own gear to try and catch the tech before it can crash, damaged beyond repair, at the bottom. 
Staring at his figure for a moment, you wonder if the harrowing feeling in your chest will last you forever, or just for now while you wait for something to take its place.
You’re not sure. But you do know a part of you feels lighter. You do know that a part of you just wants to go home and sleep.
Turning, you walk after Captain Levi, follow his trail to the building, and when Jean reaches the top of the wall again, you’ve disappeared.
142 notes · View notes
christycurlswrites · 3 years
Text
I Won't Give Up
Bucky x Reader Soulmate
Warnings: Angst, Supportive Bucky, Hurting Steve, Fluff at the end!
Please do not steal, plagarize or repost my work on any other site. Likes and reblogs make me happy.
I do not have a beta reader. All mistakes are my own.
Summary: Y/N and Bucky are soulmates, bound together. What happens when one cannot remember the other? (I suck at summaries)
Taglist is open for this story! Please let me know what you think!
Dividers by @whimsicalrogers
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*A/N- I am so sorry this took so long. A certain someone (Looking at you Steve Rogers!) did not want to cooperate with me. I also refuse to put something out for the sake of putting something out. That being said I am so proud with the way this turned out. I hope it was worth the wait.
Chapter 8
Y/N and Steve walked out of the tower, waving to Bill as they went. She followed Steve in relative silence for a bit, each making small talk about the weather and the new things around the tower. She found it was hard to carry a conversation. Steve was Bucky’s best friend. Having no idea what their relationship was like before Y/N found herself drowning in ways to carry on a conversation.
“Are you ok?” Steve’s question broke her stupor. “We can go back if this is too much.”
Shaking her head Y/N responded. “No, I'm fine. Everything is ok.”
Steve wrinkled his brow and stopped walking, making sure to look at Y/N. “You’re uncomfortable. I can tell. Please tell me what’s wrong. If there are too many people I can bri-”
“I’m not uncomfortable.” She said as she stopped walking. Swallowing her nerves she asked. “Can I be honest with you?”
“Please do.”
“I don’t know what to say to you. I mean you bring me coffee every morning but we barely speak. You and I don’t hang out casually. I never know how to act around you.”
Steve let his head fall. “That’s partially my fault.”
If Y/N heard what Steve had said she didn’t acknowledge it. “I know we had this conversation before. And I thought we could move forward and be coffee buddies. But now?” She motioned to him as she spoke. “Now I’m not sure.”
Steve blew out a breath. “I’m sorry.” He set his hands at his side in exasperation. “I know we said we would start again. I thought things would come easy. But now- you’re right. I don’t know what to say. I want us to be friends.” He began to walk again.
They fell into silence again, each at a loss of where to pick up. Y/N followed as she tried to think of what to say.
“We’re here.” Steve held the door open as Y/N walked past him. He went to stand on line as he watched Y/N.
She wandered around for a bit, eyes taking in the decor of the shop. She felt something fuzzy on the edge of her brain, but nothing came up. She rubbed her forehead as she continued to look, becoming more and more frustrated as she continued.
Steve watched helplessly as she walked, concerned with the frustration that began to grow. He stepped off the line and walked up to her. He held his arm out as he approached. “Y/N?” He asked as to not startle her. “Why don’t we sit down?” He motioned to an empty table. “Take a breath for me.” He took exaggerated breaths as they sat.
“I’m alright.” She waved him off as she rubbed her forehead and sat. “It’s just frustrating is all.”
Steve nodded as he stood. “I’ll be back.” He went and stood in line again, making sure to pull his ballcap over his eyes.
Y/N kept looking, her eyes hoping to find something recognizable. Steve returned with coffee and a muffin before she could get too upset again. She smiled thankfully as she cradled her cup.
“I know this is a bit awkward.” Steve began. “I still feel like most of this is my fault.”
“I don't think this is all your fault. There are two people in this friendship.” She started. “Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah.”
“Can you tell me about Peggy?”
Steve sat back, a lopsided smile crossing his lips. “Peggy was strong, protective, whip smart and took no shit.”
Y/N giggled softly. “I thought Captain America didn’t curse.”
“Peggy is everything to me.” Steve ignored her comment as he continued. “She always made me laugh, called me out on my crap and challenged me to be better.”
“She sounds amazing.”
“She was.” Steve looked around. “She had this uncanny knack to know when something was wrong. She knew when I was lying and never took any shit from anyone.” Steve looked at his cup sadly, memories flashing before his eyes. He felt a heaviness in his heart as he remembered his Peggy.
Y/N sat awkwardly as she looked around. She wasn’t sure what to say. She could see the hurt in Steve’s eyes. “I wish I knew what to say.” She whispered.
“There is nothing to say.” Steve offered a sad smile. “She was everything.”
Taking a deep breath Y/N felt a sort of fear as she asked her question. “What happened after?”
“After I disappeared?” Steve asked before continuing. “She was still alive when I woke up. She was an old woman. I used to visit and we would talk, sometimes we would go for a walk.” A faint smile on his lips. “She spoke of what she had done after I left. She worked with Howard Stark and formed S.H.I.E.LD. She became the director of S.H.I.E.LD for a time. She told me of the man she met, fell in love with and got married. She had children and grandchildren.”
“Sounds like she lived a full life.”
“She did.” Steve was quiet for a beat. “It gave me a bit of peace.” He looked at Y/N. “Did I ever tell you about the only time I was afraid for my life?”
“I remember Bucky constantly telling me you never backed down from a fight. That you were always standing up for what was right. No matter how many beatdowns you got.” She raised a hand before Steve could begin gushing. “Don’t get your hopes up. Bucky told me that last week.” She laughed. “But I want to hear your story.”
“Getting my hopes up.” Steve smiled. “I was in the barracks waiting to speak with Peggy. One of the interns saw me and, i don’t remember what she said before, but she started kissing me…”
“I’m guessing this was after your new body?” Y/N teased.
“Ha ha.” Steve reacted before he continued. “Peggy caught us kissing and stormed off, refusing to speak with me. I tried before I went to speak with Howard. Long story short that is where I found the shield. I wanted to make sure it was alright. Peggy walked by so i stopped her to ask. She said she wanted to make sure it worked. Picking Iup up the nearest gun she fired three shots. Thank God the shield was made of vibranium. She sighed, simply said ‘Yes, I believe it works and walked away.”
Y/N sat there with her mouth open. “She really shot at you??” “Yeah.” Steve chuckled. “That is part of who Peggy was.” Sadness creeped in again, Steve unable to hide it as it took over his features. He cleared his throat as he looked at their empty cups. “If you are ready there is something I want to show you.” He offered his hand as he stood.
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“Where have you been?!” Bucky jumped up from the couch as Sam rolled his eyes.
“We lost track of time Buck.” Steve tried.
“Hey.” Y/N cradled Bucky’s face in her hands, making sure he was looking at her. “I’m good. Besides…” She motioned to Steve. “I was with Captain America!” She giggled as Bucky rolled his eyes. “I’ll be back in a few. Steve wanted to show me one more thing.” She stepped back as she began to follow Steve.
“See man?” Sam came up behind Bucky, his hand squeezing Bucky’s shoulder in comfort. “She’s fine. Take a breath.”
Steve left the door opened to his room as he entered. He walked to his desk, gently pulling paper from a drawer. He turned to see Y/N standing awkwardly in the center of the room. He held the papers out to her. “I draw from time to time.”
Y/N began to separate the papers, seeing drawings of the avengers, workers in the tower, studies of normal people and sketches of buildings. “You have a beautiful command when you draw.” Y/N spoke as she continued to look. “Your attention to detail is extraordinary.” She froze as a portrait of a woman with a red hat revealed itself, her brown eyes shining back at Y/N, her lips a fiery red to match the hat. “This is Peggy.” Y/N whispered.
“Yeah.” Steve’s sad smile was back. “I saw the hat in her room once. I knew, from pictures, that she loved that hat. I just had to draw her with it.”
Moving to sit on the bed Y/N kept going through the drawings, each showing Peggy in various military uniform with a strength in her face that seemed unmatched. The last drawing was different. This had two people- Steve and Peggy- holding each other close mid sway, their noses touching and looks of love on their faces. “Is this…” She began as she held the drawing out. “Is this your favorite memory?”
Letting out a deep breath Steve sat next to her. “When I came back I looked for Peggy. I knew, deep in my mind, she would be old or she had passed. I found her at a home. Thankfully one of the better ones.” He rubbed his eyes before he continued. “I was thrilled to see her. But she was in the end stages of Alzheimers. Some days she remembered everything. Some days she was astounded to see me.” He wiped his eyes before the tears could come hoping Y/N didn’t see them. “The days she remembered were the best. I got to hear about her life, what she had accomplished and what she had always wanted to do. One of the last times I saw her she told me That I was her love. Her heart had never loved anyone else as she had loved me. Her husband came close. But she made sure to tell me I was the love of her life.”
Y/N nodded as she looked to the drawing again. “At least you got your dance. Even if it was in the home.”
Shaking his head Steve explained. “She was to weak. The most she could move was from the bed to her wheelchair. Some days that was too much. So I did it for her. We would walk around the block and talk about anything. But I never got that dance.” He shrugged. “I went into the ice before we could have our dance. When I came back she was too weak.” He motioned to the drawing. “This is the only way I could have my dance. The only way I could hold her one more time.” His voice broke as he spoke, grateful when Y/N gathered him in her arms as he cried. He clung to her, allowing his pain to spill onto her shirt.
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Y/N ran to the common room, grateful as Bucky held his arms out for her, grateful not one was around.
“What happened?” He whispered into her hair. “What’s the matter?”
She swallowed her tears and looked at Bucky. “He never… Steve never got his dance.”
Bucky closed his eyes as he swallowed hard. “Yeah. He never got to dance with Peggy.” He rubbed her back as he held her close. “Give him some time. He just needs time.” “This is my fault.” She pulled away from Bucky. “I didn't know what to talk about. I asked about Peggy and the floodgates opened.’ She put her hand over her chest as she tried to catch her breath. “I’m the one causing him pain right now.”
“No.” Bucky was stern as he rubbed her arms. “No you didn’t. Honestly he needs to speak about her more. He tends to bottle his emotions when it comes to her. He can’t keep doing that. I promise you he will be alright. He just needs a little bit of time.”
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Steve stood, his eyes staring at the closet. Y/N had left a few minutes ago after numerous promises that he was alright. He had spoken about Peggy more today than he had in a while. He wasn't prepared for the hole in his chest to grow, for the aching loneliness threatening to swallow him. God he missed her.
Walking to the closet he picked a box from the top shelf. Sitting back on the bed Steve opened the box, his hands gently pulling out her red hat, and settled it on his lap. Tears formed again as he caressed the fabric. “I’m sorry Peggy.” He whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
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“I don’t understand why I need to get all dressy.” Y/N scowled from the bathroom as she looked at her dress. “Why are we going to this fancy restaurant anyway?”
Cassie rolled her eyes as she checked the time again. Her nerves were getting the better of her. How hard was it to do something nice for her best friend? “You have made amazing progress. It deserves to be celebrated! She exclaimed. “We used to go to fancy restaurants when something big happened.”
Y/N opened the door, holding her arms out for inspection as she twirled.
Holding her hands over her mouth Cassie tried to hide the squeal. “You look amazing!” She exclaimed. Y/N truly did, her scars almost fully healed. She was looking more like herself. Cassie was thrilled to see it. Standing, Cassie made her way to the closet, picking out a pair of shoes. “Here.” She held out the heels. “Can we go now? The reservation won’t be kept for us if we are late.”
Waiting for the elevator, her feet already killing her, Y/N looked around. “Steve.” She stepped away from the elevator. “How are you?” She held her arm out in concern.
“Better.” He offered a smile. “I’m sorry about last night.”
Shaking her head Y/N answered. “No it’s my fault. I brought Peggy up. I didn;t mean to cause you any pain.”
Steve waved her off. “You helped more than you know. You gave her back to me. Even if it was for a short while.”
Y/N’s feet were killing her. She was convinced whomever decided heels were a good thing should be shot. She felt the pain in her thighs and knees as she took every step. “How much longer?” She cringed as her voice sounded whiny.
“We’re here!” Cassie exclaimed as she stopped.
Y/N looked up, her eyes reading the name over the words ‘exquisite french cuisine.’ “Ok.” She exhaled. “Let’s go.”
Cassie looked around as Y/N headed to the hostess. “I see someone.” Cassie pointed. “They want to say hi to you.”
Y/N looked over, her eyes landing on Bucky. He stood with a genuine smile as he smoothed his black suit down. His hair was loose around his shoulders, the suit black on black. “Hey baby.” She walked up to him wrapping her arms around his neck, her nose inhaling his scent. “What are you doing here? This is supposed to be just me and Cassie.”
“Nah. This is for the two of you.” Cassie answered as Y/N turned around. “I just played along to get a few minutes alone with you.” She waved as she walked out. “I have to meet Ben. Enjoy you two crazy kids!”
“You had Cassie distract me!” Y/N playfully hit Bucky’s arm. “Why?”
Bucky shrugged. “I just wanted to surprise you.” He took a moment to look at her dress. “You look stunning.”
“Thanks.” Y/N giggled as she laced her fingers with his and walked back to the table.
Menus were given, food was ordered and wine was poured. “Have we been here before?” Y/N looked around.
“Nope.” Bucky answered as he took a sip of wine. “We did this every so often. And, considering you are willing to go out more, I figured I could take a chance.” He gave a lopsided smile as Y/N giggled as she looked around. Tonight was more than a dinner with his girl. Tonight he had planned to come clean. He was going to tell her about the Winter Soldier. Bucky knew she deserved to know, she deserved to know from him. Sam, Cassie and everyone else were right. He had been so lucky so far. So damn lucky. Now it was time to face the music and let the chips fall where they may. Sam was right. He needed to be able to move past this if they had any chance of a future.
“Bucky?”
He blinked as Y/N voice reached his ears. “What?”
She motioned with her fork to the plate in front of him. “Food’s here.” She wrinkled her brow as she leaned forward. “Are you ok? Where did you go just now?”
Looking at the plate Bucky took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he willed the nerves away. He was absolutely terrified. What if she rejected him? What if she walks away and never wants to see him again? Clearing his throat Bucky looked up at Y/N. “I-I have something I want to say.” He began. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Thinking about how I want to say this. But I’m no-”
“Can I say something?” Y/N leaned forward and grabbed his hand. “I don’t mean to interrupt but if I don’t say this now I may lose my nerve.” She smiled gratefully as Bucky nodded for her to continue. “Since my accident you have been nothing short of patient and kind. You have waited for me to dictate how this will go, respected my boundaries and followed my lead. You never pushed or expected anything from me.” She sighed as she continued. “I know we are soulmates but I;ve heard of soulmates being cruel to eachother. Sometimes expectations aren’t met and they make eachother miserable simply because they are bound together. But you… I just.” She licked her lips. “I’m trying to say thank you. I don’t know what I did to deserve you but I’m so grateful.” She smiled as she continued. “I’ve never felt more loved, safe or complete than I have with you. I love you Bucky Barnes. As long as you will have me I won’t give up.”
Bucky exhaled as he felt tears welling in his eyes. Relief flooded his system, quickly replaced by love. Y/N had said those three words he had been dying to hear. His soulmate had admitted she loved him. Moving from his side of the table, he sat next to her, his hands cradling her face. “I love you.” He whispered back, his breath fanning her face. “I love you so much.” Tears had begun to fall from his eyes. “I’m yours my love. I’m yours as long as you will have me.”
Y/N captured his lips, swallowing his pleased whimper. She deepened the kiss, pouring all the love she felt into this. She rested her forehead against his as she pulled away, wiping the tear tracks from his cheeks. “I love you.” She whispered against his lips.
Reluctantly Bucky broke away and moved his chair back. Looking to the dance floor he motioned to Y/N. “Do you want to dance? After we finish eating of course.”
“Not tonight.” She waved him off. “I should have never let Cassie choose these shoes. My feet are killing me.”
“I figured Cassie would pick heels. So…” Bucky pulled a bag from the back of his seat as he moved to the floor in front of Y/N. “I got these.” He presented grandpa slippers from the bag. “The didn;t have any flats-”
Y/N’s laugh interrupted him. “I’m just grateful they don’t have glitter. Glitter is the bane of my existence.” She sighed as Bucky removed each heel and rubbed her feet before putting the slippers on. How she got so lucky with this man she will never know.
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“You two look cute.” Sam approached in full Falcon suit as Y/N and Bucky exited the elevator of the tower. “I’m guessing the dinner was a success?”
“Kind of.” Bucky answered, his hand squeezing Y/N’s. Motioning to Sam he asked “What’s going on?”
“Mission.” Sam shrugged. “Almost all hands on deck. Just you and Parker are staying.”
Y/N hugged Sam. “Please be careful. Come back safe. I need another fishing trip as soon as possible.” She broke away and looked at Bucky. “I’m going to change. I’ll see you when you come in.” She kissed Sam on the cheek as she walked away.
“She’s taking this better than you anticipated.” Sam smiled.
“I didn’t tell her.”
Rolling his eyes and throwing up his hands Sam scowled in frustration. “What is the issue? You know you are putting all of us in a bad spot by not telling her. All of us promised to let you tell her. Buck this is wrong.”
“She said she loved me!” Bucky snapped. “She admitted it during dinner. She danced with me. I had her back, Sam.” His voice was desperate.
Sam exhaled and shook his head. “I’m happy for you both. I really am.” He looked at Bucky with tired eyes. “I don’t know how long we will be gone but take this time to tell her. Away from the prying eyes of the team. Let her feel what she needs to.” He started to walk away. “Make sure you tell her!” He pointed at Bucky as he made his way to the quinjet.
Bucky exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose. The high from earlier was gone, now replaced with dread. Sam was right. He knew it. He couldn’t tell her tonight. But maybe in the next day or two. He would have to tell her.
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anastasiaskarsgard · 5 years
Text
X marks the spot !!!!
Part 8- Brooke POV
End of summer
Smut, cussing, drugs, drama, errors, mention of abuse, bullying, etc
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I really did have to pee.
I made a beeline for the bathroom and locked the door behind me. Wtf did Lily want to talk about? Mark didn’t want her!
Suddenly I remembered Marks’ seemingly innocent question (at the time) about fighting a girl for him.
Jesus.
Having a hot ass boyfriend had its downsides. I checked myself over in the mirror, and tied my hair back in a bun, just in case it popped off with this Lily girl. Might as well apply some mascara and lipstick too. I only was wearing a bathing suit, but not much I could do about that now.
I walked out of the bathroom to find Bex and Lily having a heated, yet quiet discussion. Lily had a phone out, while Bex was trying to make her put it away. Bex didn’t want me to see it. Lily did. I was a little curious, but before I could say anything Mark stormed in the room.
“What the fuck is this?” Mark yelled at nobody in particular.
All three of us froze and looked at Mark. With it being quiet now, I could hear the audio playing on the phone. It almost sounded like Mark’s voice.... Ok, now I was real fucking curious.
Lily and my eyes met, and I couldn’t help but notice just how utterly desperate and sad she looked. I felt a pang of pity for her. It must have been hard losing Mark. I wonder what happened between them.
Shit, what had Bex said?
Bex grabbed Lily’s hand and pulled her past Mark. If looks could kill, then Lily would have been struck dead by the nastiest glare, I’d ever seen Mark produce. He looked positively livid. This was that Mark I hadn’t recognized from earlier. I hope I never was on the receiving end of one of these looks...
“I’ll take Lily downstairs, and you guys probably wanna talk. Don’t fuck in my bed or break anything.” Bex said with a warning tone and closed the door.
Mark looked pissed. He wasn’t moving, but his gaze followed me as I walked to the bathroom. I wasn’t sure what to say.
On the one hand, he’d resisted his ex for me. But on the other hand, what was that video, and why was she trying to show me? Would I be betraying my fellow females if I just let it go? Why did Bex want to keep it from me?
I didn’t know what to do, so I got my make up out and started to touch it up. Any girl will tell you, a lot of decisions are made, touching up their make up.
“Baby? Why were you hanging out with her?” Mark walked in the bathroom and held me around my waist and rested his head on my shoulder, carefully watching my reaction to his question.
“She followed me up, and I just literally came out of the bathroom when you showed up. She wanted to show me something on her phone, but Bex wouldn’t allow it. No big deal.” I shrugged.
His face fell, and he looked like he was about to cry. The desperation in his eyes and utter panic broke my heart. Whatever was in that video was, it had him freaked out.
“Did you guys make a porno or something?” I teased flicking my eyes up to his, to gauge his reaction now.
“Brooke, I am so sorry, I was young, and it seemed cool at the time but ...
My stomach flipped, and I DID NOT want to hear this, so I turned around and kissed him to shut him up. “I love you,” I said without pulling our lips apart.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Mark kept saying over and over as he kissed me all over my face. I giggled, and he looked me straight in the eyes and it took my breath away. He is so beautiful. “You’re mine. I never want to lose you. I only want you ever.” He looked so sincere.
He picked me up and sat me on the bathroom vanity untying my swim bottoms and moving my bathing suit top triangles over, so my breasts were completely exposed. He was so gentle and careful, licking each nipple while looking up at me.
He stood up and gently held my face in both hands and kissed me passionately, letting out a sexy little groan before stepping back and looking at me. “I love you so much. It makes me almost crazy. I never felt this way for anyone. I almost had a fucking meltdown when I saw you with her. Promise me you won’t be friends with her or any of her fucking friends. Promise.”
“Mark.... you're ridiculous.” I giggled trying to pull him back in, but he wouldn’t budge.
He glared at me and in a low almost threatening tone he said through gritted teeth, “promise. Me. Now.”
“Ooooh or what?” I teased with a big shitty smile on my face.
Before I could even react, he grabbed me by my arm and dragged me over to the bed, roughly slinging me down, as he got on top of me. No smily or playful Mark. I wasn’t scared, because I believed in my heart he’d never hurt me, but I was alarmed with this behavior.
“Bex said not to fuck on her bed,” I said in an effort to lighten the mood, and maybe change the subject.
“You think that’s what I wanna do? Fuck you? Why? Cuz you’re a fucking whore? You’re like your new fucking whore besties?” He seethed.
“Mark, why are you acting this way? When did I become a whore?” I’d never been so confused in my life. Where on earth was this coming from all of a sudden?
“I don’t know! That’s a good fucking question!!! I thought you were my sweet, perfect, baby girl, ride or die!!! I thought that you wanted to make me happy, and never would lie to me, or cheat on me, but now I bring you to one fucking party, and you are getting buddy-buddy with my fucking ex! WHY DONT YOU MAKE A FUCKING VIDEO GRINDING ON THOSE BITCHES? WHILE MAKING OUT IN BATHING SUITS? YOU MIGHT GET A FEW HUNDRED LIKES! Hashtag FUCKING SLUTS!” Mark screamed in my face at the end there.
I couldn’t help it, I was trying to hold back tears and catch my breath, but the more he went on, it just got worse, and I burst out crying.
Mark immediately went from menacing glare, to concerned puppy dog eyes. “Oh, my god baby! Baby! Look at me, don’t cry. I love you. I’m sorry. I’m drunk.”
I couldn’t look at him. I don’t know why I was straight up hysterically crying, choking and heaving, but I was, and I wasn’t going to look at him.
He got off of me and paced back and forth, grabbing his head. After a few minutes. I looked over at him, and he was coming towards me with tissues.
He took some out, and picked me up like a baby and sat on the bed, cradling me in his arms. This was my Mark. He looked so loving and caring and He was so pretty.
I bet I looked terrible and crazy. I couldn’t remember why I even got so upset. I hated fighting with him. I couldn’t think straight.
All I knew is, I needed Mark to want me still. Looking back, this probably was a huge red flag, and I should of got my shit and left. But I was an idiot over him. “Mark?” My voice was all raspy from my crying fit.
He looked in my eyes, and I could feel the panic returning as a lump rose in my throat... “What is it, beautiful girl?”
I started to shake with sobs again, but he brought our faces together, and he kissed me hungrily, boogers, tears and all.
He stood up still kissing me and carried me back in the bathroom, setting me back on the counter.
“I’m so sorry, Brooke, I’m so sorry.” He peppered kisses all over my face.
He stepped back and looked me over as I tried to hide my face. He took my chin and moved my face up, looking in my eyes adoringly. “you are the most beautiful fucking bitch on the motherfucking planet, and you’re all mine. I’m sorry I acted like a dick. You gotta listen, I love you so much, I go crazy.”
He began kissing me again, moving down my chest. He started to suck on one breast while he toyed with the other with his hand. Biting and licking my nipple, and then blowing on it, so it was at attention. Then he switched Breasts and took that hand and put it into my core. I was so turned on his fingers slipped in easily. He let out his sexy Mark growl, and I reached for his cock. I was shocked how I could go from hysterical basket-case, to bitch in heat in no time flat, But I wanted him so bad.
“Ah, ah. Not yet. I want to taste my perfect little pussy first.”
He spread my legs and got on his knees and went to work, all while his gorgeous green eyes peered up at me. He added his hand to the equation and I was now on the brink.
“ you going to come for me baby?”
I nodded quickly grabbing his hair and pushing his face back into my pussy. I was so close, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I grabbed him by his hairagain, and pulled him up, crushing his mouth with a kiss as he freed himself, and shoved himself deep inside me.
“Oh my god baby. I love this pussy, is it my pussy?” He whimpered in my ear as he slammed into me. So desperate and eager. I’d never felt so wanted in my life as I did right then.
He pulled his face back, so he could fully see me, while still thrusting at a feverish pace. He grabbed my face gently and looked deep in my eyes. Searching my eyes, for something, he suddenly grabbed my bun, forcing my head back, so I was looking straight up.
Biting my collarbone, his thrusts were becoming very erratic, and I knew he was close. I knew just what to say, to push him over the edge;
“I’m yours.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” Mark said.
“Wait. What?” I asked, eyes big as dinner plates, snapping my head back down to meet his eyes.
“I want you to have my baby.”
I couldn’t believe what he was saying, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say it was so hot. He didn’t mean it, and was just caught up in the moment, so I just played along.
“You wanna be a Daddy for real? Put a baby inside me, so we are yours forever? Then Cum inside me, Mark.” I said breathlessly.
His mouth fell open, and he bit my swollen lower lip. I grabbed the back of his head and sloppily made out with him as He convulsed and stuttered his load deep inside me. He let out a loud “fuck” and twitched to a stop, letting out a big exhale.
He pressed his forehead to mine, smiling. “Let’s just stay like this forever.” He whispered.
“Bex might get mad.”
“Nah, she’s cool, and we’re sexy. Who wouldn’t want to see us every time they go to the bathroom?”
I giggled and pushed him back, sliding him out of me, and hopped off the counter. He walked over to the shower and turned it on. I felt his cum dripping down my leg, so I hopped in and rinsed off. I turned around to find him staring intensely at me.
“I meant everything I said.” He said kissing my forehead.
I didn’t think he’d bring it up, so I didn’t know what to say. Not really able to process what he was saying in my intoxicated state, I went with my auto-response of “oh baby.”
He looked down at me Green eyes flashing, and his swollen lips parted just a little bit. His hair was falling into his face, and he seemed so vulnerable and pure.
He needed me to protect him. Fuck Lily. My beautiful baby was different, and no one was going to make me love him less.
Oh boy, I really do love him.
“Why do you want a kid so bad?”I asked curiously.
“I don’t want a kid as much as I just want to own you. Let everyone know I fucked you, and I’m the only one that gets to, and here’s my proof.”
“That’s got to be the least romantic answer, I’ve ever heard.”
“Plus imagine how fucking cute they’d be. Get off the birth control and let’s try.”
“Mark! You’re tripping. We are too young and I’m not going anywhere.” I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled into his chest.
After getting no response, I looked up into Marks eyes and was perplexed by his expression. He had the most expressive eyes but sometimes they were impossible to read. This was one of those times. “Look how beautiful my boyfriend is.” I said with a big cheesy smile.
He cracked a half hearted smile. “I love you so much Brooke. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m obsessed with you.” He rubbed his nose against mine.
Time to lay it on thick. I was taking advantage of this moment! This was the type of stuff you read about, or saw in movies, but right here, right now, I was living it. “Mark I love you. You couldn’t get rid of me, if you tried.”
He smiled warmly down at me. “I love you more princess.” He embraced me rocking back and forth for a few moments and I just looked in the mirror at us, and then at my face. Boy did I look rough. I needed like a whole new face of make up, and all I had was mascara and lip gloss. Maybe Bex would let me—
“Baby, What are you thinking about?” He interrupted my thoughts.
Shit. Better not say eyeshadow.
. “Just how lucky I am to have a boyfriend that’s as madly in love with me as I am him.” Okay, so maybe that was bullshit, but it was true. Before Mark, I didn’t believe I could feel so strongly for someone, and they would feel the same.
He released me and turned off the water before handing me a towel and getting out. He dried off quickly and got dressed while I was still drying my hair. He grabbed my bathing suit bottoms and tied them back on me, double knotting each side. He grabbed a brush and started to brush my hair.
“I feel like one of those monkeys on the Discovery Channel. How are you at eyeliner?”
“I love making MY baby the prettiest girl in all of America... maybe even the world.” He did a cheesy Dr. Evil laugh, and then we both just started laughing like idiots. The more I tried to stop, the worse the laughing fit became.
Finally able to breathe again, he took my hand and lead me downstairs. If I hadn’t been so crazy in love, I might have noticed the infuriated glare from the petite blonde on the couch. Or maybe I’d have caught Bex’s worried face, as she looked between Bex and us. But I didn’t catch any of that.
All I could see, was Mark.
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