nouk in chino, california
april 2019
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when i was in highschool around age 16 i was offered the chance to audition for a play at a local playhouse, and the way in which it was described to me i had thought the playhouse was putting on a play where they wanted disabled people to come and perform, an all-disabled performance to give us a chance at something that other playhouses probably wouldnt allow us
but when i got there with my friend we were the only two there, and when i was lead into the place we did a quick audition at the piano and then shown to the stage, where the picture became clear; this was not an audition for disabled kids to come and perform, it was an audition where they wanted two disabled kids to come play two one-scene roles that had a combined total of 8 lines, no song performance, and of which were two henchmen. the entire rest of the cast was a group of abled adults, and we would be the only disabled people performing at all
i promptly left the stage and out of the playhouse before we even finished the tour and i told my friends mother to tell them i am not going to participate and to throw my audition out, and then went home and made an original oc story called "The Lipsync Orchestra" and wrote it about a group of disabled highschoolers who all get accepted into a strange new production in town head by a retired performer, where they would be given full reigns of a production warehouse-turned-theatre to perform their own all-disabled plays, shoot and performance music videos, and be given the ability to seek out their performance dreams that they would not be otherwise given by other playhouses or theatres in their area. because i was so fucking mad LOL
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shoutout to that one masters of horror movie I watched on ye olden youtube at the tender age of 16. which was like. a retelling of frankenstein’s monster? maybe? kinda? about this nervous lookin little guy who wants to learn how to bring the dead back to life.
the whole movie eventually culminates in some sexy married lady he meets getting GANGBANGED in a CEMETARY by a bunch of rotting decaying zombies
what a film. that was
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Life update: Took Coast Highway from SoCal all the way to Portland Oregon, it was beautiful. I was there for a week and had the time of my life. I was excited to start a new journey in a new city. Then I got the worst call of my life informing me my only sibling, my brother, my best friend, one of the loves of my life had passed due to suicide. My heart is forever broken. I moved back home to California. Funny how I was ready to start my healing journey from my past trauma but life had other plans. As I navigate through my new “normal” I try and find a reason to understand everything that has happened. Life is so unfair and often seems senseless but I continue to see the beauty in everything. I like to believe that my brother is not living through me and everyone he left behind. I miss him.
I find solemn knowing my brother no longer aches and has finally found the peace he never got on earth. I miss him everyday and can’t wait to see him, sit down, listen to atmosphere and exchange perspectives on life <3
To anyone that has suicidal thoughts, I can’t see you but I feel your pain. Life can seem pointless but don’t do it. Life is beautiful with you in it <33333
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