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#god help me why do I keep doing this to myself
nabitsun · 3 days
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౨ৎ SPINE BREAKER
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fem! reader x nerdy! choso
᭝ synopsis : who knew you just needed good dick from a nerdy boy to lose that attitude.
᭝ tags: smut & little angst? uni (both in their 20s), reader is kind of a minx but you'll pick that up.. (well, all reader's friends are) porn w plot would've guessed, oral sex (f), pussyjob, unprotected (pull out game 10/10), uhh sweet choso duh <3
᭝ wc: 11.5k ...
᭝ notes: t'was supposed to be a one-scene typa oneshot but got carried away - blame it on nerdy! choso. (i remixed that shit 4 times)
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"shoko.."
"what is it?"
"no need to put these under my nose i've told you, i'm not coming." you slap her hand away gently, she's holding two entries for a random party in town.
"oh but you will." she smiles.
you know you will, you always do.
"c'mon i have two entries? i can't waste them."
"exactly, ask yuki to come with you."
"she also bought two entries, she's already coming with someone else."
you give her a quizzical look,
"i don't know any better, she didn't say."
"she's probably inviting aoi over again, God.. another reason to not come.." you shake your head at the sole thought of the man.
"who's that?" she says, switching up outfits in front of her as she ponders in front of the mirror.
"y'know that meathead eccentric guy who's like, super fan of her,"
"ohh, that one.." she hums in thoughts "mh, i doubt it though. the last time he was here, he didn't leave with that same smug face. if he keeps getting into trouble the way he does, I doubt she'll invite him back."
she's referring to the last time yuki invited aoi to one of these parties, not to sugarcoat anything but he definitely learnt the hard way to not be an arrogant show off.
"i hope not." you mumble
"stop trying to find excuses. you're coming with me, we're gonna have a good time, end of story."
you let out a crude laugh, "let me rephrase. you're gonna have a good time, and i am gonna get bored out of my mind." you can see her roll her eyes, "i don't even see the point of going there."
"because you don't try to have fun."
"if trying to have fun implies rubbing myself on some smelly drunk strangers with shitty ass songs in the background, then yeah i'd rather not try."
"you're no fun, it's not that bad."
"it's not that bad until you reach your fifth drink" you quick back as you cross your arms over your chest as if to withdraw from this endless battle that you know, will defeat you.
"aren't you being a little dramatic, now?" shoko barely looks at you with raised eyebrows. she knows as well as you do that beyond her tolerance limit she's no longer controllable, which is why you've spent many nights taking her home and trying - as best you could - to bring her back safe and sound. she won't admit it though.
you dismiss the (probably) rhetoric question, "since yuki's coming, why do you want me to go so bad?"
"what a silly question." she sighs as if she'd heard a child say the most gullible nonsense, "i like having you around, that is all."
"something is tellin' me you don't wanna end up third wheeling," you sing song.
"shut up.. you're coming anyway." she avoids your stare and lets out a heavy sigh, "you like the blue one?" she twirls the dress on its hanger around and turn over to face you, she tilts her head on the side as if to weight your future answer.
"i like the purple better."
"that's what i was thinking.."
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
being confided in the car with a loquacious shoko didn't help the growing headache you felt in the back of your skull. it had been a tough week.
your exams were approximately in a week and just thinking about it actively made your head hurt even more, and your throat tightened with culpability.
"hey, don't die on me now." shoko glares at you from the side as she's driving to the house. you feel her checking you multiple times.
"i'm fine," you sigh, rubbing your temples in an attempt to soothes the growing pain – that eventually worsened when shoko suddenly hit the brakes, a bit too abruptly to your liking, at a stop sign.
"girl, you either need a good night sleep or some good dick." she clicks her tongue, "look at you," she emphasizes by shaking her head as if the sole sight was too much for her.
"focus on not getting us crashed already."
"i'm serious though, you want some water?"
"no–no, i told you i'm okay." you look ahead of you, resting your head against the headrest for some support ; flashes of cars and traffic lights interacting in the night, "you drive like shit though."
"wow. okay, you'll show me how much of a good driver you are when you'll drive me back tonight, yeah?" she chuckles, taking a second turn on a new avenue.
"having you drunk in the back of the car is a constant fight of trying to not make you throw everything up, of course i have to drive nicely."
you see your friend nodding as she taps her fingers on the steering wheel, apparently at loss of words.
"mhm, thanks?"
you relax back with a content smile, "i prefer that,"
the house is not so far from your respective apartments, also not far from your university, which is around a fifteen minutes drive.
you can't really be mad at shoko for dragging you to those places ; the kind of places where she often ends up with a grain of lucidity to keep her half upright, while all the rest of her cognition makes her look like a psychotic out of an asylum. and even though you're practically always the one driving her back to her place, it doesn't exclude the fact that you need this sometimes.
despite your complaints of not wanting to go with her – for various reasons that you listed prior, but also because of your upcoming exams that are sucking the energy directly out of you – you still kind of look forward to the evening, if you're being honest. it gives you the opportunity to sit back and suspend the course of time for an evening, as ephemeral as it is.
the car stops at a red light as you think back to shoko's words, back in her room.
"yuki still didn't tell you about her special guest ?" you mindlessly ask as you fix your makeup by looking in the mirror of the sunshade, curling your eyelashes with the edge of your index to fix them.
"nope, i might have an idea though.." she pauses, you don't say anything as you wait for her to continue, "you know that guy she hangs out with sometimes? she's not like always with him but i don't think she'd invite anyone else, knowing her.."
"what guy?" you frown, you close the sunshade to look at her.
"uhh, black hair, pale skin, really quiet too. one of those snobs who behaves like termites by staying in their hole, you know. i don't even think i've ever talked to him, or seen him talk for that matter." she squints her eyes to reminisce old memories but the sudden shift of color on the traffic lights makes her focus back on the road.
"like what? a sorta depressed emo boy or something?" you scoff.
she laughs, out of mockery for your credulity it seems, "pretty close. but he's really.. the nerdy type y'know? the type to sit there and not say a word unless spoken to about some stupid nerdy shit, i guess."
"as long as he doesn't talk about fuckin' uni or something like that tonight, i'm good." you sigh at the thought as you close your eyes, clearly ignoring the silent warnings in her eyes.
"oh girl, you're such a fucking minx."
you ignore her offense when you continue your interview, "why would she invite him though? i mean why would he even come?"
"why did you?"
you keep silent.
"exactly," she states, "now keep your curiosity to yourself, you're about to find out."
after a few bends leading to the far end of town, you then remark the students crowding the lawn, stepping everywhere as some of them walk to the entry of the house.
no wonder you had to pay entries to get to some crackhead student party – you understood when you saw the size of the house and how many people there was. you silently hoped there was no one around as they would probably spend one hell of a night.
"not too far, i don't wanna have to carry you fifty meters tonight." you warn as shoko tries to find a good parking spot.
she sends you a hard glare and mumbles something inaudible that almost sounds like an insult. she seems to comply anyways as she parks not to far from the entry.
you were met with fresh air as you stepped outside the car, the extremities of your skin growing cold as well as your bare legs barely warming up with the strides you were taking. it was only eight in the afternoon and yet, you already saw wobbly people trying to walk their way out of the house. the two of you approach the path leading to the house, hearing the music as it gradually intensifies.
"there," shoko throws the car keys to you as you catch them hardly in your hands, "in case i lose them during the evening, you're in charge." you don't say anything, you'll have to drive back home anyways.
the calm atmosphere of an april evening was replaced without much transition as you walked past the open doors. the lights of the traffic lights now seemed far less stimulating in comparison to the sight in front of you. and paradoxically, your headache had disappeared, making you guess it was indeed, shoko's driving.
shoko turned around and took your hand to lead you through the numerous ponds of people hovering the place, talking, singing, dancing or even making out grossly. your steps grew heavier – whether from the combined heat of everyone weighing down on you or the vibrations of the boosted bass – it felt as if you were clearly reaching the pit of hell, both physically and symbolically.
and you could feel that with every steps forward, requiring the unsolicited touch of people brushing past you. the odors coming on play for less than a few seconds to merge with your own scent, just to disappear as soon as it entered past your nostrils. the lights changing from blue to purple to pink or even red, reflecting on the few skin shoko was showing with her slip dress as she was leading the way.
to say you were getting overstimulated was understandable. it was like getting thrown into a pit with only hungry lions to face; and with that dramatic metaphor you noted that the first lion you'd have to fight tonight, was the woman in front of you.
once you both reached what seemed to be the main saloon – though it was hard to decipher with the ton of people and the lack of furniture, beside some occupied couches. you didn't even know who was hosting the party to be fair, it seemed to change every other week like some sort of competition of who's gonna have the privilege to clean the big mess next morning – although you'd guess they probably have someone to do just that.
you were so focused on the environment you didn't even see the golden shadow passing by when a pair of fingers snapped you out of your illusion.
"you look like it's your first time at the zoo."
by the tone and voice you wouldn't even need to turn around. yuki looks at you with crossed arms in a sleeveless black turtleneck and flare jeans with a hint of a smile – out of friendliness or amusement, you didn't know.
"definitely feels like it," you smile back as you reach out to embrace her, which she welcomes.
"i see, shoko brought you here just to be her cab home then hm?" she tilts her head ignoring the way shoko snapped her head in her direction.
"hey don't say that! i wanted her company t–"
she gets interrupted by a loud noise, not seemingly coming from the music but by someone who just seemed to crash down on a wooden coffee table – one of the furniture you had such a hard time to see apparently because some people decided to stand on it. both girls in front of you roll their eyes almost in sync.
"well, looks like the alcohol's kicking in. you're coming with me?" yuki addresses to shoko and you.
"yeah i need to get something, i don't like how aware i am right now." shoko shakes her head in disapproval of the events.
the three of you approach the kitchen, where all the drinks stand upright and ready to use like weapons of war laid out on a table.
you don't venture into drink design, preferring to leave it to shoko or yuki, who apparently know best what they're doing since they're arguing over whether pineapple or cranberry would be more suitable to mix with vodka. once the ingredients are mixed, you all take a sip to mark the start of your evening.
"ew what the–" your body shudder lightly from disgust as you lower your hand over the counter, "tastes like piss seriously.." you whine and look at the wrongdoer.
"told you pineapple was a bad choice." yuki restates, but she's ignored by shoko, who takes the cup from your hand and pours the contents into her own cup.
"fuckin' alcoholic.." you breathe out in amusement.
"i paid for these, might as well make it worth my while." shoko rejoins and it makes you think..
"hey yuki, talking about entries, where's your guest?"
she takes another sip before answering through the music as she leans over, "he told me he wanted to use the bathroom, he went upstairs i think but.." she looks around, ".. i don't see him around, maybe he's stuck in there or something." she shrugs as if it were the most banal piece of information.
you naturally frown at the answer and at her lack of interest as to where her friend might be, so does shoko as she flicks yuki's forehead – earning an annoyed grunt from her victim.
"you can talk about me, you don't even care about your friend."
"he's a dude girl, if he's staying up there there's a reason. i'm sure he's fine," she shrugs once again with round eyes devoid of any remorse.
as they continue to argue mindlessly you sneak your hand on the counter, gliding it across the surface to grab discreetly yuki's cup, probably much tastier with cranberry, and retrieve it back to walk away and leave them to their incessant vindictive promises.
you're sure when you come back they'll still be on their feet – at least you'd like to put this much faith in them – as you rush through agglutinated people to get past the stairs. you don't really know why you're going, maybe you could say he picked your interest ; the thought of a guy like him in the middle of the evening just reminds you of a lamb around a horde of wolves.
you take a couple more sips from your cup and climb the stairs, squeezing past a heated couple making out in the middle of it. you follow down the corridor to find a multitude of doors, and one at the end of it that would be the perfect prototype of the bathroom at the end of a corridor. once you reach it you lean in to rest your ear against the door, trying to gauge potential noises, but nothing.
you smooth your denim skirt down and readjust your purse on your shoulder. you knock once, then twice – over the music you're practically not able to hear your own knocking – until your press your fingers down on the locker slowly, peeking through the door but you're only welcomed with pitch black.
maybe he just got lost among people, or maybe he was one of the ones you saw vomiting their guts out outside – which is less probable, but not impossible. you don't really feel like acting like a detective and exploring every nook and cranny, for fear of also finding yourself in front of people fucking in one of the rooms, so you prefer to turn back on your heels, giving up on the mission you thought would spark up your evening a little bit.
but it doesn't really go as planned actually. as you walk back towards the stairs, you notice a door open ajar, as if to let in a trickle of air, so you don't pay it much attention, but it's only when you start to look away that you see the previously motionless shadow, move.
it's quite honest to think that it's the first effects of the alcohol that are starting to take effect, a blurry vision in addition to poor lighting – results are not promising. you pause in your steps once more, tightening your fingers around your cup as you tilt your head so that you can look through the doorway without acting too much like a voyeur.
that's when you see him. rather tall figure standing up with the major help of big boots, black trousers with a black shirt – or maybe the colors are tainted by the darkness of the room, barely lit up by an amber light. and you do notice the signature buns with a few strands falling on his forehead.
his movements are so ever delicate you're having a hard time to decipher if the stability of your vision is playing tricks on you, or if it's really the slowness of his movements. one of his hands reaches over the shelf, he grabs a book and opens it. so careless.
"didn't know you were also a creep." you open the door without warning, with your cup in a hand and it makes you think that you probably look like some drunken mess barging in a room.
he drops the book on the ground.
"fuck!" his panicked eyes dart to you, pretty purplish eyes, "i'm sorry— shit. i didn't mean to pry." he picks up the book from the ground, bending his knees to grab it softly.
"if anything, i was the one prying." you comment, entering the room. and.. oh? what a sight you're welcomed with. it's a crime to not have seen this man on campus before – or maybe that's his crime to decide to stay inside his room with such a pretty face. his eyebrows are still brought near the center of his forehead, a faint look of worry that doesn't seem to disperse as the seconds pass.
it's also shoko's crime not to have mentioned the few silver jewels adorning his lips and eyebrows, or the charcoal mark layered upon his nose and spread horizontally along the length, covering both cheeks. and maybe there's another crime to add to your list when his tired eyes look away from you, trying to find some sort of distraction, anywhere but on you.
"i wasn't doing anything, i swear." his voice is coated with the sweetest tones though it's deeper than you'd expected – such a contrast with his face.
"careful, there's no better way to appear guilty than with this sentence." and you swear you can see a light frown on his face. you take a couple more steps towards him, he stands still, the book still in his hand as it's closed and tightly wrapped around his fingers.
you reach for the book lazily, and you take good care to not try any brusque movements. it's like you're walking on thin ice and you just start to realize how quieter it got in the room, with the buzzing of music barely heard and a few people chanting way too far.
he doesn't even try to fight it, the book slips past his fingers easily as you grab it, "The Picture Of Dorian Gray". classic. he looks down at you silently, a bit too long as if he's realized something.
"are you planning to come down?"
he shoves his hands in his pockets, shifting part of his weight on one foot in a slightly awkward manner, "i don't really feel like it."
"why is that?" you put the book right in the empty space, where you guess it previously was, squished between the other books.
"i don't really enjoy.. this." he nods to the door.
"what do you enjoy then?"
he runs his tongue over his piercing, wetting his lips and smothering the silver ring with it in the process as he ponders, then locks eyes with you finally.
"not parties at least."
"mhm, i would've guessed."
the room was strangely not that big compared to the house, a very sober room that must have been for guests, at least no personal decorations were visible. you approached the window to watch the racket outside and you found yourself glad to be upstairs at the sight.
"yuki was getting worried though." you know it's not true, but you're trying your best, you really are.
he turns around to face you, still not moving an inch from his initial position though, "oh so you're one of yuki's friend? the one she said would come?"
"it depends on whether she talked about a little pain in the ass or a cheeky cynic."
"she used the term.. « bothersome minx », if i recall."
you chuckle softly and put your cup down on the windowsill, gliding it on the side as you turn to look at him. he eyes you up and down, tapping his fingers along his thighs and you're not sure if you are in good shape due to the previous consumption or if he's just being the analytical man he's known to be.
"what's your name?"
"choso."
"choso.." you introduce yourself as well, he repeats your name just the same, "wanna sneak out?"
"what do you mean? like right now?"
"yeah, why not? i mean you can stay in that room as long as you want but i doubt you'll have much fun." he turns his head to glance at the door lazily, gauging the proposal.
"what are we gonna do?"
"i don't know, we'll see." you shrug with a smile and you're not sure if playing the russian roulette with him is gonna get you anywhere but you're too interested to play it safe.
"hm, i want to be back for yuki though, she's gonna need a ride home."
"you will." you say simply, but choso raises his eyebrows, waiting for more based arguments rather than a simple affirmation. so you continue,
"we can just take the car, drive for a couple of minutes and you'll be back here before you even notice."
there's a few seconds of silence where you both look at each other, expecting an answer. he sighs, lowering his head and you think he's about to decline your invitation but..
"alright, but just for some time."
you can't help but grin widely, you eagerly dig in your purse for the car keys shoko gave you and take quick steps towards the exit. as you wait for him on the doorstep you see him take a few strides, but towards the windowsill where you previously were standing. he grabs the drink you left dismissively, his jacket on the bed, and throws your empty cup in the bin just in the corner of the room as he walks back towards you.
he smiles gently at you and closes the door behind the two of you.
you practically had to fight your way through the crowd waiting for you downstairs. you thought the hardest part would be getting through to the front door, but once outside you found yourself in a quandary as you had to tiptoe to avoid stepping on any garbage, sticky liquids or dead drunks on the lawn.
choso asked you if you were able to take the wheel, you told him yes, of course – you'd only had one drink that had barely shaken you. he insisted on driving anyway.
the place where you had him taken was one of the only ones not too far away that was still open at this hour; and especially one that didn't look like a crowded bar.
a small café-restaurant run by a woman who was far too old to still be on her feet serving until late at night – but she always did it with too much care that you always resigned yourself to going there, even if the prices were higher.
the car ride had been remotely silent, with only a few instructions as to the routes to take and choso asking you if you wanted to put the heat on.
you took your seats on the colorful banquettes, waiting for the woman to come and take your order. the contrast was quite ironic, seeing you and choso dressed for some fancy evening in a place that was very reminiscent of that kind of little retro restaurant in the 50s, with the famous jukebox playing ballads from Elvis Presley, and the endless greasy hot dogs displayed on the counter.
"didn't think you'd follow a stranger blindly,"
he rests his forearms on the table and bring his eyes back on you as they were occupied scanning the place, "you're no real stranger, you're yuki's friend after all."
"oh i'm sure you were the kinda kid to enter some random white van." you say, more to yourself though as you look at the menu briefly. he doesn't say anything in return, and you don't look up either to see if he's looking at you or not.
"tell me choso," his name is like the ring of a bell, his eyes widen just a little, "how come i've never seen you around? you're on campus right?"
"mhm, i guess," he opens his mouth as if to start a sentence but he soon renounces by closing it immediately, he reaches for his nape to massage it, "i guess i don't really hang out around campus."
"majoring in?"
"computer science."
you would have bet your entire fucking fortune on it. you let a smile slip through.
"um, you're friends with gojo satoru too, right?"
the question definitely surprises you, everyone knows who's satoru, and that's not to his advantage as he's more or so known for being one hell of a jerk. you nod and he takes a deep breath, one that speaks volumes.
"i know what he says about me, you know. i just don't want you to think i'm like that." he admits and the sight almost makes you frown, you don't know if it's pity or empathy but you shake the feeling away.
"what do you think he says about you?"
he pauses for a few seconds, he's quick to bring his hands around his ear piercing, fidgeting with them as he relaxes back against the banquette, he finally crosses his arms over his chest.
"they say things that aren't necessarily wrong but aren't totally true either."
when he says they, he's probably referring to shoko, or maybe suguru if you think about it, though he doesn't seem to care about people's business that much.
you'll blame choso's inability to communicate properly for his ambiguous answers and not because he's trying to pull a series of enigma right now.
"mhm, and don't you think i have a mind of my own?"
his eyes almost pop out of their sockets and he once again leans against the table, clearly not settled on how to sit still, "no–no i didn't mean to say that ! i'm sure you do," he says softly, yet still very much alarmed.
you almost regret your choice of words but he's so goddamn sweet it would be a shame not to tease him a little.
"i don't know i just, don't want you to think badly of me." his fingers fidgets with the salt and pepper shaker in front him.
you know you're in no position to talk, you even feel embarrassed if you're being honest, as you were not just about an hour ago making fun of him in the car with shoko – that, he doesn't know.
the old woman comes back to take both your orders and it's as if the bubble you were both in had just burst, bringing you back to the café as the music gradually came back to your senses. choso orders a strawberry milkshake and you take a blueberry.
the way he talks is so sweet, it makes you physically wince, and let's not talk about the way he looks at the old woman like she was cotton candy to the eye. you think it's all an act he's about to drop when she leaves but, even when she returns behind the counter he returns his eyes on you with the same look ; heavy lids – that you don't know if they are the consequence of a long day or if they're always like that – with shades or purple circling them.
"you'll know that the only time I take satoru's opinion into account is when I have to make a choice for lunch. you're okay." you assure.
he nods slowly and you see his face soften at your reassuring words.
"i don't know why you hang out with them." he says and it's so faint you're not even sure if he mumbled to himself or if he actually talked to you.
you tilt your head on the side with a frown, "what do you mean?"
he takes some time to answer, to gather his words or because he's hesitant you don't really know.
"you were always so nice to me," but you're still puzzled so he continues, "back in high school, you weren't hanging out with this kind of people, y'know."
you don't even pay attention to the way he's not so subtly trying to bring your friends down, you readjust yourself in your seat, visibly confused.
"i don't.. i mean, we were in the same class?"
choso shrugs, not really phased to see you don't remember him at all, "you had a lot of friends. plus, i didn't have these two." he points his finger up to show his hair attached in two buns atop of his head as if it could be the sole reason of your memory lapse. silly.
"i like this look on you. you look nice with them." you say as you look at the hairstyle thoroughly. the praise seemed to have gotten to him because you can see a small smile on his lips as he looks around impatiently for the drinks to arrive – or maybe he just needed to lay his eyes somewhere else than on you.
the drinks arrive shortly after, not surprising due to the lack of customers as it's practically just the two of you there. you don't really say anything much, comfortable in the silence you're both in as you grab your order to taste them. you don't really want to continue the conversation about your friends right now, and choso seems to have dropped the idea of it too.
choso watches you as you lean in to wrap the straw around your lips, elbows on the table to support your body on top. he also watches the way the milkshake climbs up the straw to pour into your mouth, away from prying eyes.
"you want some?"
his blurred eyes meet yours.
"huh?"
you smirk, only because you're enjoying the look on his face and you want it to worsen. you straighten up properly, away from that damn straw and focus on choso, who grows a little embarrassed, somehow – you see it, he backs down a little just at the sight.
"i know what you want," you say, almost above a whisper, stirring the straw with painful slowness.
"you just gotta ask."
choso doesn't say anything. he doesn't really know what to say actually as he flicks his eyes between your eyes and your lips. he's panicked, that's one thing anyone could notice if only they had their attention on him.
"you want a taste, right?" you say with such a languid voice he has to look around to see if you're putting on a show for anyone around, in vain of any spectators. choso raises his eyebrows, devoid of any answers.
"my drink, you idiot."
such a fool, his pouding heart slows back down quietly into his chest and it shows by the prior rapid breaths that are replaced by long and painful sighs. and what a disguised curse to be around you. he doesn't even seem to notice the degrading name he got assigned, you're not even sure he's got to hear the short sentence correctly.
"um.. yeah, sure."
you glide the drink forward on the table until it reaches his fingers which firmly wrap around the glass – and if you were from the police you'd suspect it's to hide his shaking fingers. he puts his own lips where yours once were and begins to sip through the straw. he doesn't have to look up to see you watching intently, he can feel it.
"there you go, how is it?"
"s'good." he nods.
the aroma melts on his tongue, almost sugarcoating the strawberry he previously ingested and the sour taste of a little humiliation.
"i wonder what's going on in that little head of yours. you're so analytical with everything."
"you make me feel like I have to be."
a head tilt from you is all he needs to know he has to develop his thoughts.
"be aware of my surroundings."
your answer gets stuck in the back of your throat when you hear the buzzing of your phone in your purse, you dig it out : a call from shoko.
you excuse yourself and choso simply nods, you bring the phone to your ears and you soon regret the movement as dissonant noises come to deafen your drums – urging you to pull your phone away from your ear.
"h-hey!! where.." the sentence is cut by another voice, and maybe some screams, you don't really know. you squint your eyes as you try to decode the semblance of sentences thrown at you, you call shoko but she doesn't seem to be on the line although the call indicates two minutes past.
choso continues to sip on his milkshake and he looks just as confused as you are.
"where r'you–" you don't need to ask her if she's drunk or not, you can hear it through the slurring of her words. you don't answer her question though, you know it will cause more damage than anything to say you'd preferred to leave the party to go sip on some milkshake with a man you're supposed to despise more than anything.
after five minutes of negotiation, you finally find out what shoko wanted - simple curiosity as to where you were, but also a call for help with the disappearance of choso, who was supposedly trapped in the toilet, according to yuki. you promptly hang up and finish your milkshake in a one go.
"she's in trouble?" choso gauges your reaction and imitates you, putting away his own things as he puts his jacket on.
"she's about to be if we don't come pick her up now." you place you purse back on your shoulder as you draw enough of cash to cover the bill and tip, "c'mon, let's go."
choso wasn't so wrong in the end, since you both arrived in time to prevent a tragedy from happening, one more on the list that shoko may not remember - despite the scale of it. you and choso agreed to take back your possessions – in this case yuki and shoko, who seemed to be standing on their own two feet only by some celestial force.
no need to to depict the end of the night, it was always the same when you went out with shoko. though something – or rather someone – during evening had told you it wasn't going to be the same ; that your tranquility was long gone, that you had now committed, whether you'd like it or not apparently, to be a fucking babysitter.
and he was fast with it, he didn't wait a week or so, he didn't even try to make it natural. the day after the party, choso went straight to talk to you, and the boy didn't even care if you were with your group of friends, the same that vehemently talked shit behind his back.
he didn't even try to wipe that smile off of his face, nor to calm the rosy tint on his cheeks that left little room for other interpretations. he didn't even try to cover for you when he gave you change for the milkshake you'd paid for – and God he didn't seem to understand that if you'd paid him it didn't mean you particularly wanted to give him the impression he owed you anything in return.
he also didn't notice that you didn't appreciate his refund, that you would have preferred to send him off, but that under the pressure from satoru and shoko, who were only viciously agreeable to him, you had to accept his exchange with a big smile.
you really didn't know whether his behavior was of the order of undisputed innocence or whether it was a means of publicly humiliating you.
in any case, the incident didn't go away, not with satoru and shoko around the corner, who were both just explaining the situation to suguru in the middle of lunch in the refectory.
"she left yuki and i alone with a bunch of freaks," shoko declares through the clattering sounds of the cantine while pointing her fork on you as she explains the evening, once again.
"you didn't seem to mind when i pulled you away from one that you were trying to dissect open with a knife." you insist, once again.
you stir the fuming food and distribute it homogeneously over your plate to let it cool down, ignoring shoko's words as she continues the story.
"it's kinda funny that you spent the evening with a guy who's a carbon copy of the type you say you hate." suguru intervenes and you sigh at the snarky remark. satoru keeps chewing on his food carelessly, clearly enjoying the roast you're subject to.
you shake your head at the statement, "spending an evening with someone and actually enjoying the time spent is different."
"mhm, clearly if i hadn't called you you'd still be making out with him right now.." shoko mocks and you swear you can see satoru's lips twitch in amusement.
"we just talked !" you half whisper, half scream, letting your food drop into your plate, causing your friends to shush you.
"c'mon just say you like him, we'll still be friends y'know?" you look deadpan at satoru, a look that doesn't require any words.
"i mean everyone knew he had a crush on you in high school, it wouldn't be surprising if it was still the case." suguru shrugs, you don't know if if he's being honest this time or if it's another joke. you choose to believe the latter.
you shake your head and look around the cantine to ease your mind from your shit friends, which doesn't seem to be the thing to do as satoru adds another weight to your already heavy shoulders.
"what? looking for your new pet? homeboy is probably hiddin' in his room right now. i mean, when doesn't he?"
you breathe out tensely, butchering your food with your cutlery as you clearly picture some detailed ways you'd like to treat the man in front of you.
"fucking assholes.."
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
after what happened during the last couple of days you really tried taking measures. good measures. and it was kind of ironic how choso should've been the type to try and dodge any interaction with your friends, but now you were the one trying to sneak past him.
he was nice. you'll give him that.
but he was stupid. so fucking careless. and really naive because he surely did think an evening sipping on milkshake meant something along the lines of "will you marry me?"
anytime he spotted you in between classes he just had to walk in your direction. whether it was just small talk or not, he talked to you every. single. time.
but he was so nice. you couldn't just shove it in his face? could you? despite shoko's encouragement to drop him there's something that just.. didn't feel right. and may God forgive you, but you know this is certainly not the advent of your good morals.
though all of that clingy attitude really pissed you off, you did find yourself thinking about that evening and how Elvis Presley was so annoyingly being repeated in the background. how his eyes, despite their darkness and exhausted features, never ceased to display the most authentically pure emotions you've ever seen.
"i don't know i just, don't want you to think badly of me."
you sigh, heavily. some conflicted parts of you wanted to know more, an evening wasn't enough to just send him off right away, right? who was he? who does he claim to be? and the fact that you don't remember him, no, you can't remember him doesn't help either to your curiosity. because you did search through your yearbooks and to see his face didn't help you bring back lost memories.
shit maybe you just need someone to ring some senses to you but you also don't want shoko nor satoru to do it, as much as you hate to think about it they'll taint your vision more than they'll clear it out. in some ways choso was right ; their judgment might have their part to play in the way you think. in some ways only.
or maybe you're trying to blame your friends for your shitty behavior which only makes you feel ten times worse. you let out a grunt as you get up from your chair, going to the library to study with a clouded mind wasn't a good idea and even more at the end of the day.
failing to have a cigarette you can borrow from shoko right now, you choose to take a walk around campus. it's not the best sight but the air is far more fresh outside.
oh and how ironic was it when your feet led you upstairs to the dorms. it's not like you even planned your itinerary, it was like second nature to you, plus the air definitively felt a lot more breathable.
out of all the rumors you've heard, you knew at least one was true : choso was an orphan ; he stayed in the dorms right above the college structure.
and how absurd that was when you feet planted right outside his doorway – you can say thank you to the floor tenant files that didn't seem to care about the resident's personal information.
the thing missing though is your speech. you didn't have anything in mind. fuck what are you thinking? you're not even sure you'd want to see him at all, despite your evident location. before you could produce another stupid thought your fist met the door to knock twice.
it was about six seconds of wait that felt like half a minute as you just stood there outside. the door opened slightly ajar, and it reminded you of the first time – well not counting high school – that you saw him.
long strands of black hair dangled in front of the doorway before he stepped closer to fill the gap with his width. of course his eyes widened. they always do when they meet yours.
"oh, hey," he quickly looked over his shoulder, behind him and lowered his eyes to take a look at himself.
it was an agreeable sight, you will not deny. his hair were hanging loose at shoulder length, wearing only an oversized white t-shirt (was it oversized or just his actual stature ?) and gray sweatpants. you almost felt like diverting your eyes away as if you were prying on something you shouldn't see.
"hey."
silence.
"are you okay?" he stays still, swiping his tongue inside his lower lip while playing with his ring piercing you presume ; a habit of his you've noticed. you don’t really know if he's asking to be polite or if you genuinely look like you need help.
"mhm," you nod, "can i come in?"
"uhh, yeah" he takes another look behind him and you're starting to think maybe you came at the wrong time. "yeah, of course." he opens the door wider and steps aside, you enter and to your relief nothing crazy's going on.
the room is neatly organized to your surprise, not that you were imagining a slum, but you were expecting something more akin to the prototype of the homebody student. you avoid looking too much everywhere, you didn't come for that anyway.
choso retreats to his desk where he leans against it, his hands on the length of the edge to support his body.
"looks serious eh?" he escapes a small laugh, almost a scoff actually as he scratches his forearm and you suddenly want to leave the room because of how miserable you feel.
"we have to stop this.. thing here." you point to him then yourself.
you almost feel bad for him. almost, because of the way his hand previously on his other arm stops in the previous scratching motion, because of the way he only stares at you for a few solid seconds.
"what do you mean?"
"you know what i mean," you sigh "i don't even know why you suddenly want to talk to me anyway," you shake your head and look down. it's not even something you're blaming him for, you're really wondering why he'd want to talk to someone who plays on both sides with him.
"it's not.. that sudden. i've always wanted to talk to you." he tells you softly, "have i done something wrong?"
he's too nice with you it makes you audibly grunt.
"do you have a crush on me or something?"
silence again. a longer one this time. you didn't really mean to blurt it out like that, you'd envisioned something a little more subtle but frustration got the best of you.
his body shifts, his hands move closer to his body and he crosses his arms over his chest, tapping his biceps with his finger repeatedly. he stays silent.
"it's a yes or no question choso."
he pinches the bridge of his nose just where his mark is and breathes out a small "fuck".
"alright. it's ok if you don't wanna use your words, you certainly don't fail showing it to the whole fucking world anyway."
he takes a step forward rapidly, a single step but big enough to be closer to you nonetheless.
"i'm sorry, shit, i didn't know it would make you so upset. i'm sorry." he apologies. and you don't know if he realizes how upset he looks in the situation, he runs a hand through his hair in distress and you can see how agitated he is.
his face is right above yours, you don't really have to do anything but to look up to meet his panicked eyes. and it's a complete contrast how your eyebrows almost hurt from the frown while his face is contorted in worry.
and you'll blame your beating heart on your irritation and building up anger and definitely not because of his sole proximity. you try to commit to that thought at least.
"you're insufferable you know that?" you hug yourself as you readjust the strap of your purse on your shoulder.
he runs his tongue along the inside of his cheek and looks away for a flitting second before bringing his eyes back on you, or your lips ; he's very indecisive poor boy doesn't know where to look when he has you this close to him.
"i.. i didn't know know how to tell you i'm sorry i just–"
"oh shut up,"
you practically throw yourself on him as it's the only way he'll eventually stop apologizing, one of your hands quickly wrap around his neck, to the base of his nape pulling him closer as your lips crash onto his. choso stumbles back at the contact and his hands reach instinctively on your waist for support, his body hits the desk where he stood prior and he escapes the faintest gasp at the harsh contact.
you wouldn't even have dreamed of doing this – fuck if shoko would come to know about this she'd probably laugh at you. but he's so gentle in his every moves, his every words, so naive about your motives it would be a damn shame if he knew what kind of crap person you really are. if the two of you really had to stop talking like you stated, your only wish would be to at least do this before.
choso's fingers grip more tightly on your waist, his thumb brushing against the fabric of your shirt practically playing with the hem of it. he pulls you closer and parts his lips to kiss you back avidly while your nails dig deeper around his nape at the feeling, before sliding them back along his jaw to orient his head at a better angle. you feel him exhale through his nose as you slow down your pace, slowly detaching your lips from his.
"y'taste good." he whispers against your lips, his forehead is practically touching yours and it's only now that you realize how much his features have changed within seconds. his eyes are blazed, breathless and fingers shaky around your waist. you'll blame the taste of your lips of the cherry gloss you're wearing – and he's wearing too now that his lips are shiny from it.
you're no better though, you swallow as you catch your breath, your heart is pounding in your chest so much you also hear it through the buzzing of your ears, coating the sounds around you.
"yeah? what is it, never kissed before?" you smile, you'll never get tired of teasing him, not when he always gives you the same look.
"not like that," he pants and smile back at you, a little smile that soon turns into a frown, "i.. shit, i wanna make you feel good. can i?" his voice is so low it makes your head spin.
"then do it," you kiss him once slowly and you feel him shudder at the new sensation, "make me feel good." you kiss him twice, even slower this time.
no need to say it twice for choso, if it's not you latching on him right now he definitely doesn't feel like backing down, he takes your answer for words and his hands find your cheeks instantly, cupping them as he puts a lot more pressure, making you step back. your hands lower down on his shoulders and your purse slip down your arm until it reaches the ground harshly ; not your priority number one right now.
he presses his body even closer to you and you don't need an explanatory drawing of what's happening down his pants as you feel his hard on pressed against you. you put your thigh forward, adding your own pressure against him and the moan that escapes his lips is enough to make your skin shiver and your panties tighter. much tighter.
still glued to each other, he guides you to his bed, just behind and it takes a couple steps back for your calves to hit the furniture, your body drops down the bed as you look up at him and you think he's about to slouch his own body on you, but he kneels down right before you instead.
you put your hands on the bed behind you to push yourself farther against the wall but to your – second – surprise he puts his hands flat on your knees.
"i need you right here," he soothes as he taps your knee lightly, making you stop in your movements. you don't know if he's about to do what you think he's about to do but your questions get quickly answered.
"can i?" he asks as he flicks his eyes onto your skirt, asking permission to touch it you guess. you nod eagerly and he leans back slightly to take your mary janes off instead, right foot, then to the left foot so ever carefully and putting them aside on the floor. you watch him and notice how steady and focused he looks despite his torso heaving up and down rapidly, you see it.
he straighten up on his knees and the sight has you gulping down, you're on his bed, he's on the ground just right in front of you, his eyes scan your face thoroughly you almost feel overwhelmed by it. your skirt gets pulled down easily, oh but so slowly, you prop yourself up on your elbows to make it easier for him.
"so pretty." he breathes out, he discards the piece of clothing on the floor and places both of his hands on your hips to bring your body closer to him as he easily glides you.
he leans in and his face is only inches away from your crotch, he glances at you before returning back on your clothed cunt. his thumb circles the hem of your panties as if he's admiring the sewing method and your breath hitches when his thumb drops a little lower, down where you clit hides beneath the fabrics.
"don't have all day, choso" you gulped, your hands bawl into tight fists in apprehension.
"okay–okay." he coos and immediately grant your wish ; he pulls your panties down and you're now bottom naked on his bed. it gives you a real reason to be embarrassed for sure because you didn't really "plan" on being that drenched from a single quick make out session. and the more he stares at your exposed cunt the more you grow impatient.
"choso.." you try to warn him but it comes out as a whine instead. he shifts as he gets closer to the edge of the bed, he wraps his hands under your legs to grab onto your thighs firmly.
"gonna make you feel good ok?"
"jus' do it–" you choke on your own words when you feel his tongue on you. a single lap and you're already panting in the room like a mad woman, "ffuck." you whine and your hand reaches immediately down to get a hold of something – his hair in this case which is being in his vision doesn't stop him nonetheless to complete his mission – as it's the only way you'd call it due to how devoted he looks between your legs.
he gives you a few more laps, down from your entrance to the very top on your clit, and he's diverse in his moves you'll give him that – he goes either way from the right side, then the left side, until he decides to flick his tongue against your pussy from side to side this time. you'd honestly thought the man would go down on you as his first time, his first experiment but it looks like you're the one experimenting for the first time his tongue skills – that, you don't miss to point out.
"shit- where the fuck did you learn to do that?" you pant, you push his hair back the best you can though it still falls atop of your pussy, giving you extra tingles on the way.
the sounds are purely gross, the room is nothing but a space for filth, hearing liquids collides whether it'd be his saliva on you or your slick on him. doesn't help from your restrained moans nor from his own whimpers that resonate lowly against your skin – it's almost as if he's being louder than you are.
he props your legs up onto his own shoulders when he leans down further into your pussy, getting better access while your thighs are in the air, tensing and quivering at each touch.
you start to seriously lose it when you feel pressure on your clit, getting even more stimulated your head starts to feel dizzy ; his thumb brushes against your folds to gather your juices before going up to your clit while his tongue starts to push down your entrance.
he mumbles something but you can't understand either from the pounding in your ears or because he factually has his mouth buried in your cunt.
"you feel so– fuck!" you almost cry out when he accelerates the pace on your clit "so fuckin' good shit," and before you get hold of the situation your muscles contract, your thighs wraps even tighter around choso and you're not really in the mindset to care if you're hurting him right now when you're nothing more than a trembling mess under him.
when you release the grip you have around his head with your legs, he slowly backs down and wipes under his chin with the back of his hand, breathing heavily as if he had just come flooding back from the water after a long dive. the sight has your brain rebooting from the start, simply short circuited.
"t'was okay?"
you almost feel indignation for his own self when you look at him in disbelief, "okay? thought i was losing my mind over there," you slowly sit up as you look at him with heavy lids. you probably look like you got run over.
"want me to get something to–"
he stops once he sees you getting your top over your shoulders, taking it off and throwing on the chair near his desk. you get closer to the edge of the bed, still sit up on it as you cage him between your legs since he's still kneeling on the ground.
"well.. i guess you have other plans..?" he murmurs under his breath, he doesn't even try to hide the fact he's staring, the man is practically glued to you like when kids stand too close to a tv.
"you're a perceptive one aren't you?" you leaned down to slip your fingers under his shirt, near his hips to take it off too, "unless you don't want to?" you whisper, stopping your movements to get his approval before starting anything but oh don't you dare take your hands off of him because he'll put them back on their original place.
"no–no, i do. i want you." his eyes meets yours and it's as if repentance was just knocking at your door and you don't know if you're willing to open the door because of how good he ate your pussy or because you really feel like you should do it.
"good."
you knew choso was introverted, a little shy even, the kind of men to be a little prudish even, the ones who'd rather stay indoors, the ones who's rather not get touched by anybody, even less when those places are under their clothes. you thought he was that kind of man when you'd first met him.
you got fooled. once when he mastered the technique of his tongue on you a few minutes ago that got your jaw dislocating in pleasure. but twice now that his shirt is past his torso, up to get through his head and you see yet another pair of silver jewelry. one on each of his nipples.
and your reaction is suited honestly, you just drop your arms and leave him struggling with the shirt on his own as his head is still tangled inside of it, you swear under your breath as you look at the two shiny buds. and maybe he did it as a distraction, getting two silvery eyes up his breast might be one hell of a surprise when you're trying to look at his whole torso ; but even in that case you wouldn't get why on earth you'd need to be distracted from his upper body, because what a fucking view.
once you see choso's head pop out of his t-shirt you're so turned on you're scared if you move you'll just leave the biggest pond of your slick on his covers ; you're feeling genuinely embarrassed to say the least.
"come here, get on your back." you tap on your left to show him the way on his own bed, he executes your demand without much more convincing. he lays down where his pillow rest, propping his head up a little as he still supports his body on his forearms, watching you.
which is not such a bad thing as it gets his whole upper body tensing up from the position, and you realize you got fooled thrice because of how defined his body is, muscles tracing his skin in the prettiest way.
you crawl closer to him and take his sweatpants off, throwing them along with the other remaining of clothes on the ground.
you straddle choso, only in his boxers now and he's always on the lookout for your next move, eyes traveling along every part of your body standing so close to him. you lean in to kiss him again, a simple kiss this time, not heated, nor passionate as you'd intended earlier, almost too intimate to your liking. you feel him relax under you, no, melt. he melts under your kiss, his back rests totally flat on his bed now and his hands travel along you jaw, touching you like porcelain if it were to break.
"it's only fair i return the favor, right?" you tell him as you lean near his ear, and if you chose to ignore the bulge in his underwear when you got him out off his pants you're certain you can't now. it's entirely poking through the fabrics to lean oh so perfectly against your entrance you have to fight back a moan just at the feeling. how embarrassing.
"fuck, please do." he moans, his hands get back on your hips slowly, pressing his fingers into your skin lightly. though you'd rather take some of your time, if you're in this might as well do it right.
you kiss your way down his body, from his lips, to his jaw, on his neck a few times — just because you love watching his adam's apple bobble up every time he gulps when you touch him — near his collarbones, on his torso and why not on the twins piercings he's got on it too.
at the contact of your tongue swirling around his nipples choso instantly throws his head back on his pillow, earning a deep breath from him along with a "fuckk" he couldn't bite back. at the same time your hips start to grind, slowly, cautiously, you wouldn't want to get off on his boxers now would you?
your hands reach down his boxers, under it to grab his dick but... maybe you got fooled fourth time. or maybe the saying is right, the quietest got the biggest and he's a living proof of the statement, you can attest. you break the contact on his sensitive buds and sit up correctly to look at it lay flat on his stomach, curved and strained in its own blood flow. you really have to close your mouth to not drool on it directly and you mumble something unintelligible.
his hands rest on your thighs, they try to guide you forward, they really do and you let them. you bring your hips forward, pussy gliding – as it's the only way it would be described, you're soaked – on his dick, just slipping through your wet folds, enough to mold him on the way forward, then all the way back when you return to your position. you let your hands fall on his abs, you're not even tired, you just need the support right now or else you're afraid you'll just collapse right onto him.
"God, you feel so good," you whine, grinding slowly along his cock and you honestly don't know how he's handling it down there 'cause it feels too fucking good for you.
"n-need you right now," he painfully gulps, he looks at the friction with a frown and he lowers his head back on the pillow, "shit..." he whimpers, such a wobbly voice yet he's not even inside of you thus far. you don't know who's winning the embarrassing contest but he might win over you if you keep giving him good pussy.
"so sweet. you're too fuckin' sweet y'know that?" you praise and choso's hands come directly to grab at your tits, cupping the roundness of them with both hands as he massages them slowly, pinching your nipple between his index and his thumb.
you're done with being patient actually as it is your cue to wrap your fingers around the head of his cock. you brush your thumb over his tip and his whole body jerks off from the touch, you slide your whole hand down the base of it as you pull yourself up on your knees.
you thought you'd reached the epitome of pleasure when he was between your legs just now, and you don't know what other seventh heaven you landed on when he entered you, but it was just as similar.
the head of his cock has just slipped through and you're already full of it, full of him. and you have no doubt when you look at choso that he's feeling it too. you both moan at the new feeling, a feeling you were too puerile to treat with such disdain when you looked at him, a feeling you'd never come to know if he didn't slightly hurt your ego with his kindness.
"holy shit, so fucking tight f'me.." he purrs through the whole process, his hands help you go down, steadily and slowly at your pace when more than half of his cock has sunk into you. your legs shake slightly when you've reached the end, you start to bounce up and down lazily, hearing every gushing sounds of both of your slick as they disperse through your organs.
he can't help it, you don't know if it's because you've teased him so much pior that he can't hold it in anymore, but the grip on your hips gets tighter, the bouncing up and down his cock gets messier, and even though your thighs start to feel numb you soon understand that choso has your back. his hips starts to buck back into you to meet your hips halfway, skin to skin as they collide rapidly.
"f–fuck, choso, you're gonna make m–"
"i know, i know." he soothes, you lean into him, chest to chest as you put your hands on his shoulders. and you can't help but be extremely grateful right now as you're practically laying down on him, he's fucking right into you with the help of his hands pressing down your hips as he moans in your ears softly.
"wanna make this pretty pussy mine– fuck. wanna make you mine." he whimpers and you can hear the way his throat tightens that he's close. you wouldn't wanna lie saying you're not – to be honest you've been wanting to come as soon as you hoped on his thighs.
you don't know if it's the heat of the moment, because you're taking his dick so fucking perfectly inside of you that the thought of being with him doesn't really repulse you that much, for it actually seems pleasant enough to imagine it.
"fuck–fuck-i'm gonna cum!"
and you sincerely hope nobody is in their dorms right now because you're sure the whole floor knows what their nerdy resident is doing to some resentful student on campus. he's so vocal you wouldn't have it any other way, specially when every each one of his moans reach your cunt before your ears.
you feel your legs tremble and your nails dig deeper into his skin when you reach your second orgasm, and not one for the weak ones as your pussy clenches so tightly you think you're sucking choso's dick whole with the suction. your hips get pulled up on spot when choso releases his own shot in between your bodies, his dick springing out from where it was caged. you still tremble on him when he breathes heavily, coming down to his high.
you both stay silent for a couple of seconds and reality hits you back.
"you're too good to me." he murmurs as he wipes some of the mascara under your eyes with his thumb, you head is still near the crook of his neck, you don't move.
oh only if he knew.
.·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·.
"can you believe nerdy boy got laid?"
you turn to shoko almost too rapidly, "what?"
"i know, who would do that.."
you don't say anything. you don't really wanna say anything for now, but you know shoko isn't saying that just to make the conversation when she waits for an answer. a valid one.
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©nabitsun !
thank you for reading :D
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wrr000 · 13 hours
Text
"Can you be quiet for five minutes?"
AN: hello! i wrote this for fun, it's nothing serious or special, i just needed to do something with myself. hope y'all will enjoy it anyway lol (also, i had that one scene from shrek 2 in mind)
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Summary: the night wasn't peaceful for the ghoul because reader talks too much
Warnings: english is not my first language; reader is female; it was supposed to be more of a comedic oneshot; a lot of inner thoughts
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The night was getting cold. Chilly air mixed with the pleasant warmth emanating from the fire, touching your red cheeks. It was a nice feeling, especially after a whole day of walking in the brutal heat. The sun was killing you and the night was a nice change. 'I fucking hate wasteland', you thought to yourself every day. Burning sun, disgusting monsters, crazy raiders or even that ghoul, literally everything could kill you any minute. It was hard to survive out there alone ans you knew that. Maybe that was a reason why you didn't ran away from him yet.
You sat by the bonfire with your legs pressed to your chest, staring into the sparkling flames. Hands still tightly tied, of course. The other end of the lasso held the ghoul whom you met a few days ago. He was sitting on the other side of the fire, leaning against a huge piece of something wooden. He looked like he was sleeping with a cowboy hat covering his face. The ghoul wasn't like anyone you've met before, but you weren't sure if it was a blessing or a curse. He did tied you up after all and have gave you no choice, but to travel with him to God-knows-where. On the positive side - he didn't killed you. And that was something unexpected.
"So...", you couldn't stand the silnce anymore, "are you gonna finally untie me?"
No response. Was he really sleeping or just pretending that he didn't hear you? It was in his style, to be honest. Ever since you met him, he seemed cold, selfish, like he doesn't care about anything else in the world but him. Sometimes straight up annoying, sometimes kinda funny and nice in a twisted way. These mixed feelings made you somewhat intrigued.
"Hellooo..? Did you hear me, Mr. Ghoul?", you never called him like that before, but you wanted any interaction.
"Listen lady" , he didn't looked at you. "I need some peace and quiet so no stupid questions or talkin', got it?"
"Oh, come on! We have been travelling for days! I'm not gonna do anything stupid", it was this time when he was just annoying as hell.
"I bet you won't, sweetheart", you knew he smirked under that stupid hat.
By anything stupid you meant something like killing him or running away. First of all, he was very skilled and you knew that attacking him was suicidal mission. Second of all, you could try to escape, but you didn't know if it was even possible with this man and did you really wanted to? On one hand, there were plenty ways for him to hurt you. Shooting, beating, selling, starving you to death or worse - eating you alive. It was something... common on the wasteland. People were doing everything to survive and as crazy as it sounded, you understood it, the ghoul knew it as well. But on the other hand, after raiders killed your parents, life became harder than before. You hated it and what you hated more was loneliness. You had none, no friend and no family left. Maybe it was delusional, but you hoped for befriending the ghoul and travel with him for a little longer. Or maybe he could help you made it to town where you could stay. In that situation you didn't have many options (it didn't work by force anyway) to consider or anything to lose, to be honest.
"So what, are you gonna keep me like this to what? Sell me for chems? Or eat me one day?", you spoke once again. "You know, both options are pretty problematic for you because, I mean, you are really planning to sell skinny, dehydrated girl and hoping for decent payment?", fake scoff escaped your mouth. "Keep dreaming. I am way more useful as a compa-"
"Oh, for fu-", he straightened up, finally looking at you.
You didn't have many opportunities to meet him face to face and take a closer look. Beautiful eyes spoke more than thousand words, that's for sure. The most noticeable thing was the lack of a nose, but aside that the face was handsome. You could imagine how he looked like before the ghoulification. In fact, you always thought that people were exaggerating with their disgust towards non-feral ghouls. They were still humans, right?
"You asked me a milion questions already, while I couldn't ask you one", you heard the irritation in his voice. "You better don't cross the line"
Classic threating. You rised your tided hands, palms facing him in surrender. It wasn't the right time to ask about the future and you didn't wanna cross the line, at least not that night. He was looking at you for a moment, making sure you wouldn't ask anything else and returned to his previous position. You stared at him, trying to figure out what he was thinking about and you couldn't read him. Not before, not now and probably not in the near future. He seemed like he could always read your mind while being completely unpredictable to you. What he thought about you? What was his plan? You should be very scared or just scared? Many questions were running in your head, but you couldn't find answer for none.
That silence was overhelming. Sure, the sound of camfire was nice, but your thoughts were getting weirder and weirder. You needed something to occupy your mind and because you weren't the best at small talk (or starting a conversation at all) you came up with the stupidest idea.
"What it's like to be a ghoul?", you mentally slapped yourself, but there was no turning back now. "I mean, how did you become a ghoul? It was quick or it was a long process? My parents never told me much about ghouls"
Deep, long sigh escaped his mouth. He looked at you again, not bothering to move his body. Even someone like him lacked words and strength for you.
"Did someone ever told that you talk so much?", a ghost of a smile crept across his face.
"Actually, yes, my father told me that once", you smiled proudly.
"No lesson learned", you quite enjoyed his harsh voice with strange accent. He definitely didn't talk enough. "Can you be quiet for five minutes?"
"Hm, I'm afriad no, Mister", then it striked you. "I don't know your name! I won't shut up until you will told me your name. Wait, you do have a name, right?"
"Yes", you felt annoyed again by his lack of cooperation.
"Well..? You know my name, even you don't use it, may I know yours?"
"Cooper", the ghoul hide his face under the hat again. "Now, let me rest for a while, will ya?"
Bright smile appeared on your face. That was what you called a progress. It was genuinely a cool name and suddenly you started to wonder if he liked yours.
"But...", you heard a growl from under the hat, "we will talk about what to do next? I know how things works out here, but... We don't have to be enemies. I know you want to survive and I don't wanna be your prisoner forever"
You were on thin ice and for the first (and not last) time in your life you couldn't gather your thoughts. You wanted to tell him a lot of things in one go.
"I'm not your enemy, sweetheart, you don't have to worry. Now sleep or I'll have to shoot that pretty face"
You noded quietly. You knew that tomorrow you would try to talk to him again, still hoping for some sort of cooperation or agreement. Your life was on the line, after all. Not to mention that he called you pretty and even another threat couldn't take it away from you. Maybe that was the sign that he doesn't mean no harm to you, there was a hope, at least.
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SUCROSE
Paring: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader
Summary: They live in the same building, in the same corridor, just in front of one another… which helps the friendship but couldn't stop Dr. Reid from falling in love
Word account: 1199
Warnings: Swearing, fluff, friends to lovers
A/N: English is not my first language. Reblog, like, and comment. I am accepting suggestions for the next parts (should I already tell about the nicknames?). Please be nice. The Gif is not mine. Credits to the oner
Chapter 1: Derek Morgan, next door
Y/N’s Point of View
The water ran warm against my skin, a relaxing shower was all I needed after one very busy day serving and cleaning, which was not the worst part of the job, the worst part certainly was the clients themselves.
I had a playlist on to help me relax, thank god I had the day off and would go just to the night shift today, so it is a study and cleaning house day. But a noise interfire my peace day. Noises that come from outside.
In the corridor someone knocked on a door calling a name, Spencer’s name… I finished my bath, put on my robe and with my towel dried a little of my hair just taking the exes of the water then brushing it. I came out just in time to see someone kicking down my door and entering my apartment holding a gun.
“What are you doing?”
The man is a black big man, he looks around and then to me still holding his gun pointing it to me.
“Where is Spencer Reid?”
“Who are you? What are you doing in my apartment? Why did you break my door?”
The last sentence was a scream, I can’t believe that a random dude broke my door for no reason. Can’t he see numbers?
“I am SSA Derek Morgan. Now, where is Reid?”
Morgan, the name rings in my ears. Spencer talked about him so many times. Apparently they are friends and coworkers, he can break Spencer’s door, not my door!
“Spencer’s door is the other one.” I point to the one just across the hall. “But relax big man, you do not need to break another door, I have the key, just wait in here and let me put some clothes on. Do not let anyone into my apartment. And put that gun down. Jesus”
Is this a thing? You have to be handsome to join the FBI? After putting a light dress and getting the key I get back to my living room, where that delight for tired eyes wait, he remains stoic, rigid, so tense. Should I be worried?
Knocking soft on the door and calling his name I warne Spencer that me and Morgan are coming in. No response, and the place is immaculate, everything in the right place.
“He must be asleep, he has been very tired those couple weeks. I am going to check his room.”
“By yourself?”
“Yeah. What? There is something I should know? He is contagious? A zombie? No? Ok, so I am totally fine going by myself.”
I walk slowly into his room, it is dark and quiet.
“Sugarpout? Spence?”
A peaceful breathing is heard when closer to the bed, he is involved in his blankets, is the sights of heaven, my heart gets warm seeing Spencer resting peacefully.
I sit at the bed and run my hand delicately in his soft hair before resetting it in his forehead checking his temperature, he moves a little moaning in protest.
“Shh… it's me Sugarpout, it is ok, you can keep sleeping”
Is a very quiet whisper as I place a tender kiss to his forehead leaving my boy there, his hand landing on top of mine making me smile, as quiet as I entered his bedroom is as I live.
Just at the room door, Derek looks at us, I just make a signal to him to keep quiet and we are back to Spencer’s living room.
“So… you seemed troubled. There is something I should know? Is something wrong with Spencer?”
“Why do you have his keys?”
“Cause I live just across the hall?”
Who does he think he is to interrogate me?
“Serious? That 's why? Common, hot stuff, Reid didn't make a move on that gorgeous woman? Man, he really doesn't have material… or does he?”
Flirtatious Morgan, Reid said he was just like that, all charming. Just bark, don’t bite. Well… I don’t think girls would mind if he bites them, I recognize good stuff when I see it.
“Changing subject that quickly? What are you avoiding agent?”
He just looked at me, no verbal answer, heavy shoulders unmatched with the flirt smile on his face… for a profiler he isn't that good in hiding emotions.
“Seriously” a puff of air came out of me. “Is everything okay with him?”
“Yes, Reid is fine. I… was just worried, we had a hard case and he wasn’t answering the phone…”
“I believe you”
“So… why the keys?”
“I live very close, we are friends and I am his food stealer”
 I blinked at the man with a dirty smile in my face mixed with my sweet traces.
“Food stealer?”
“He is out, I need something, I enter his apartment, I grab what I need, and then I come back to my place. Simple”
“Are you confessing a crime to an FBI agent?”
“A crime against another agent. And the other agent is very aware of what I do in his hose”
“Sorry about the door”
“It’s okay, it is nice to know Sugarpout have friend that really care about him”
It is impossible not to smile, I care so much about the genius boy. Knowing other people also care about him warmes my insides, it is really good to know he is well protected in the field.
“Sugarpout?”
My eyes almost fall out of my face. Shit! It is a private nickname.
“Don’t. Do not, ever, ever, talk about it to anyone, It is private, and especial, so please…”
“Okay, a secret. Someday you will tell me?”
“Maybe”
Derek Morgan lives his card with me. He waited about 30 minutes talking to me, but it seemed Spencer wouldn't wake up so soon, so Derek decided to go home, but promised to pay for my door. In my opinion it was the very minimum he could do, but them we have a talk, and his caring by Spencer was more than enough for me to forget about my broken door.
“Sugar?”
“Hey, Sugarpout, did you sleep well?”
I smile going to start to prepare something for him to eat.
“How long have I sleeped?”
“Something around two hours, you needed it. Morgan passed by, and broke my door”
“He what?”
“Broke my door. He was knocking, no one opened, then he kicked in. But surprise, surprise. It was the wrong door.”
“Sorry”
“It is not your fault, and he is going to pay for the repair, he was just worried because you didn’t answer the phone, and the last case was hard. I assume you basically blacked out from exhaustion so I decided to let you sleep.”
The toast is ready as is the coffee, the black coffee with tons of sugar.
“Here you go Sugarpout, you need to eat, and then you should call your people. I am not asking about the case. Just a reminder that you can talk about anything with me anytime, I am just one door away.”
I kiss his head, before going back to my place. I could tell he needed a moment alone to call his friends, especially Derek after what I vaguely told him.
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romeavecryst · 8 hours
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Crush Culture˖ ࣪⊹
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II. Spill my guts
sum: tsukishima finding himself thinking a bit more of the nekoma manager, maybe looking a bit more into her wont be to bad..
Warnings: Tsukishima being a Cutsie little stalker, cursing, teasing, not really proffered! Mention of past relationship.
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.˚₊‧ ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── ‧₊˚.
He hated it he hated this feeling, it didn’t help how his teammates would talk about ‘Nekomas pretty manger’ it irritated him how Tanaka and Noya practically drooled over her when they brought her up. What made it worse is when yamaguchi let it slip that he had ran into her in the hallway. The two second years going crazy that he had gotten that close to her.
“Common you don’t even know her name!” Noya groaned.
“Why would I even ask she ran into me.” He said.
Tanaka punched him in the arm “you didn’t even say sorry just walked away, how could you she’s gorgeous.” He complained.
Tsukishimas rubbed his arm rolling his eyes, oh he apologized. Not that he wanted to, remembering the moment making him frown. “Ask Kiyoko, they hugged after the game.” Kageyama spoke up.
The three snapping their heads towards the first year. “You’re so smart!” Noya and Tanaka cried pushing off of Tsukishima.
He found it sad how desperate they were to find out her name, why did they even need it? He thought she’s not even around her it’s not like they’d go out with her. To them she was just a pretty face and that pissed tsukishima off, at lest have the decency to ask her name in person. What made this more dreadful is the he wanted to know her name to, to be truthful he’d looked up their roster and coaching staff but didn’t find a name that would fit her. God maybe he was worse than them for doing that.
“SHE HAS AN INSTAGRAM!” Tanaka yelled.
Tsukishima groaned standing up, walking by his two upper class men he glanced at the phone they looked at scrolling through her feed.
It wasn’t stalking if her account is public right? Tsukishima opening up his phone as he began to walk home only for him to close it and shove the phone back in his pocket. He groaned closing his eyes, “Everything alright Tsukii?” The sound of his best friends voice was heard from beside him.
Tsukishimas eyes met his, “I’m fine.”
Lie. And yamaguchi could tell, “don’t bs me what’s up. I get if you don’t wanna tell me but I’m here to listen.” He shrugged.
He wanted to tell him, he wanted that Nekomas manager had an attitude, how he haters her bratty tone pissed him off. How she was stuck in his head how she barely touched him but her body spray lingerd on him after, how she smelled of coco butter and vanilla. How stupid he felt. How she pulled an apology out of him and it wasn’t even a real one! God she pissed him off. Especially how nervous he got.
He wanted to throw up.
“Tsukii?”
“Why are they so obsessed with her?”
“Nekomas manager?”
“Yeah”
Yamaguchi paused for a moment “It’s Tanaka and Nishinoya, it’s just the way they are. Plus she is pretty.”
“Is that really all? Over them being a bit girl crazy.” Yamaguchi spoke rubbing the back of his neck.
No. Was he jealous! No that’s stupid. “Just don’t get it I guess, I mean don’t you get tired if it? Them always asking you if you have a girlfriend? If you have a crush.” Tsukishima asked.
“Not really, it’s never bothered me. I mean I do like girls but it’s not my whole personality nor do they like me back at times. Just keep to myself.” Yamaguchi spoke thinking about as he talked.
Tsukishima always disliked the concept of crushes, how one shared feelings for another but can’t tell them. The feeling of falling in love yet waiting just to perhaps be rejected? The obsession that came with it always wanting to talk to said person or being with them. How you can ever get them out of your mind. It was lame, it made him feel sick.
“You like someone don’t you.”
Tsukishimas head Turing to look at his friend. “No, I’m not interested in all of that.” He spoke. Truthfully he wasn’t, he no intention of getting a girlfriend or even talking to someone romantically.
Maybe it was the comfort of his bed, how he laid on his back as he opened Instagram again. Typing in the name tag, pressing on the first profile. Yeah she was known that for sure. Scrolling through her feed, learning she’s social, loves her family, and all around loves taking photos of herself, but how could she not she’s pretty. Her face was made for the lens of a camera.
“Really like putting yourself out there huh..?” He spoke to himself, the moment he said that his finger slipped a pink heart popping up on the screen.
“No.”
“Oh shit!” He sat up quickly. It was a photo of her on the beach sitting up on her knees her hands up blocking the sun from her face. He liked a fucking Bikini post from 6 months ago.
“Are you fucking kidding me!” He groaned. What if he unliked it? She still see it. No that was stupid.
The sound of his door opening made if head turn. “Everything alright Kei!” His mother asked.
“Yeah. Im great just people,” he spoke taking a deep breath before talking to him mom again “I’m alright sorry for worrying you.” He spoke. She nodded closing the door.
“No fucking way!”
“What a little stalker.” She spoke softly her toothbrush hanging out of her mouth.
“Who’s a stalker?”
“Nobody. Some kid I met a little over a week ago.” Yn spoke to her older brother.
He groaned pushing off the doorway. She laughed lightly pressing on his profile. Not a very out there guy hmm.. he had a few post. Her thumb lingered over the follow button, “fuck it.” Pressing it setting her phone down.
The little buzz of her phone making her smirk, peeking at her phone ‘keitsukiishima_07’ followed you back.
She picked up her phone a giddy grin on her face, opening the messages. Oh she was about to give this kid so much shit.
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She couldn’t help but laugh, lord he was dry tho.
Tsukishima on the other hand threw his phone on his bed the blonde now standing up, “so stupid.”
Yet when he found himself back in his bed he opened the chat once more, only to close it. No. He’s going to bed. Forgetting about what just happened and going to sleep. If only it was that easy, tossing and turning but he couldn’t sleep, he’d being lying if he wasn’t waiting for another text.
Didn’t matter what it was. But he’d be damned if he text her.
She wasn’t much different, but she waited till the next day.
“Kuroo are we inviting Karasuno to the summer camp?” She asked standing infront of his desk.
He looked up at her his face scrunching “I think.”
“Why-“
“Thank you!” She spoke leaving his classroom.
Maybe she didn’t have to wait as long as she thought to see him. Her summer break go free labored babysitting wouldn’t be to bad. She’d have a first year to pick on.
It was wierd how she found herself back looking at those three post, one of him reading a book somthing his friends probably took, the two other of him on a hike. A taller women, blonde, standing next to him, his mom she guessed how he held her just as close as she did him a half smile on his face. One most would think is fake and forced but it was genuine Tsukishima Kei was a mamas boy.
Her eyes scanned the phone as she continued to look, a notification popping up.
‘Tetsu(hater)😒’
‘Your ex is gonna be at the camp wanted to give you heads up!’
Her once smile dropping. Gross. Common, I mean sure he’s part of a team that’s friends but common. She was thankful for the heads up but she felt sick. He was gonna be there at that camp for 2 almost 3 weeks. God damn it. She could feel tears weld up in her eyes, she hated it. They’ve been apart for over 5 months. And now she had to see his stupid fucking face. It made her sick.
Felt as if she would spill her guts.
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donnyclaws · 6 months
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I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.
#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself#maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it#places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do#cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way#which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does#working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it#it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect#idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or#be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely#i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute#not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always#i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen#but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the#i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or#yadda yadda lmao#sorry for the impromptu ramble#this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art#god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex#i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less#and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow.#it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me.#part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like#that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy
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skillzissuez · 3 months
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Depression is all fun and games until your skipping school even though you’re weeks behind because you quite literally can’t get out of bed
#god I hate it here#not to mention you mother and father#SEEING this#simply decides to ignore you like your Alr dead#like damn okay 💀💀 fuck you too ig 💀💀#I don’t know how to fix this#I’m literally gonna be held back or taken to court bc I’ve missed so many days#but oh well the sillies r keeping me alive#Also I told myself I wouldn’t vent online anymore but I honestly don’t care anymore 😭#it’s so bad though#I tried to do some of my homework last night and ended up throwing up from the stress#and it’s not like my friends just forgot about me they are GOOD friends I’ve just been pushing them away; telling them I’m just sick etc.#it’s my fault so I’m not mad at them for not knowing what to do. The closest ones try to call me#sometimes I answer and we talk. sometimes I don’t and they leave me a message abt how their a good listener and they KNOW something’s wrong.#Truly I love my friends but at this point I just need to be medicated or in a mental institution ong#but again; it’s not like my parents actually care. they canceled my therapy that was court appointed to me#My support system otherwise is gone; my older siblings have moved out and I’m supposed to protect my younger ones from my parents#but deadass my entire family is well aware that I’m useless in that department#I shake scream and sob everytime my parents yell at us so I’m no help; really#I mean recently I’ve been able to keep my emotions under control but the only reason why is because I’m dead inside 💪#As I’m typing this out I’m realizing that I should be telling the world this especially not in my mental state but like. I dunno 🤷‍♂️#I know most of you don’t care or if you do your just concerned or feel bad bc you know what it’s like and I thank you.#seriously; I thank you for being human and reminding me the world can be kind#if anything im just distracting myself from whatever this is. whether it be playing a silly game or drawing about said silly game it helps#but it also makes me feel guilty bc I RLLY should be focused on trying to pass this year. but I’m pretty sure it’s too late now.#anyways; that’s why I’ve been inactive lately so I apologize#it’s funny bc I’m typing this out but I rlly don’t feel anything while explaining this to you guys#I’ll tag this properly; I don’t know why I’m posting this and I might delete it later I dunno#tw vent#tw mention of abuse
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discocactusblogs · 1 month
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🕯️
#how to keep hopeful when you feel like God's not going to give you the one thing youre hoping for#how to keep from being angry at God because you just don't see movement in your life in this one area#yet when you pray for God's will#He assures you you're where He wants you#I have never wanted this thing before and now that I'm older I find myself longing for it#It's hard to listen to my parents when their only answer to everything is “pray about it” as if I havent been doing so for years#It's hard to take their whole “be patient” speech seriously when my mom married at 21#My dad only slightly understands but I feel like its different at the same time#I was perfectly fine in church until the Pastor told a story about a married couple and the whole church was laughing while I nearly cried#I am the only single lady in my church on top of the only single person in my age group#I'm not even sure why God gave me this desire for marriage and a family#I feel like “God why would you give me this burning desire to have a family and marriage that glorifies and honors you if you weren't going#to give me said thing?“#I'm asking God to help me enjoy being single but at the same time I feel myself starting to grow bitter and thats something I dont want.#I know not everyone is called to be married and thats what's got me messed up and angry because if I'm not called to marriage#why did He give me the desire for it? I feel like that's just cruel and I know God isn't mean or cruel#also sorry Narni for stealing the way you rant lol#I feel bad everytime I post a rant and using tags seems to work better so I don't feel so bad
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izzy-b-hands · 7 months
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im ngl i had a lil breakdown before my shower (which i took just before i went to bed to chill and watch the new eps) abt some thought-id-already-worked-all-thru-it irl stuff that resurfaced on me like trauma tends to and i just
it made everything in the show so. I don't know how to say it right. but i feel seen and understood and emotionally overwhelmed in a safe yet weird way, just like i did with a lot of s1 and I am Feeling So Much akdnfkgb (i cannot stress enough that this is a Good Thing and I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with the new eps and like. Going to be fine mentally I just gotta wrangle this like i have the times before.)
#text post#god i need a therapist that specialises in PTSD when i can afford therapy again#in the meantime recognition of the self thru the admired other while im in this state weirdly helps#makes me feel like im gonna burst out of my skin and I'm blasting metal in my ear buds to deal with that for now#gonna sleep eventually#i think lmao#im fine honestly bc like. this is not my first breakdown by any means but just. the fucking timing could not have been better#that said i both need a hug and absolutely could not handle being touched rn so that's something#no one's gonna read this far so im gonna just let myself have one little extra messy vent in that#my stupid fucking dad triggered part of this last one and I'm so mad abt it#he doesn't give two fucks abt me now (but he'd pretend to if he saw me in person bc jason LOVES keeping up appearances)#and he would just do a little nod and smile and talk over me telling him all that's happened this last year#i moved across the fucking country with help from friends so i wouldn't wind up dead in ND#and that's the thing i keep surviving and I dont understand why when I'm so often stressed and struggling to want to live#that and more has been sitting weighing and i just. want to tell him all of this and for him to be proud of me#he'll never be proud of me the way i want bc even my mum hasn't pulled that off#where they're proud of me as I am with no caveats or hiding parts of myself#if u think this is bad pls know i deleted a maximum tags tag essay/trauma dump just before this on this post lmao#i am In The Soup rn but it's gonna be fine#gonna rewatch s2 eps and be slightly but safely triggered by bits of ed and izzys stuff and get stoned and try to. process feelings#find some ptsd therapy worksheets online like dr. blohm suggested i try#forgive me the long tags and scroll by it fast if u want/need friends ill try to contain my current mess to this post & few others
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vulpinesaint · 8 months
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desperately trying to remember if there are any books i read this year that i cannot find on my library borrowing history or simply cannot remember. i am so bad about remembering books. LITERALLY REMEMBERED ONE AS I'M WRITING THIS POST. anyway i am attempting to compile a list of books that i've read this year so that i can reference it without having to forget everything. wish me luck. i have fifteen titles on there right now but i can't shake the feeling there's something i'm forgetting
#checking my shelf of books i got for school??? idk#none of this is helped by the way that i have seven thousand books waiting to be read right now and all of them are on my mind#and several of them i am partway through. but i cannot put bell hooks all about love on my list yet i just can't#opened this is how you lose the time war today. not liking it super much but it's not even 200 pages so we'll pound through it#and then my three books from merc (princess bride and two books from the fight club guy)#and all about love. and interview with the vampire#WITCHER NOVELS!!! I READ WITCHER NOVELS AGAIN!!!! adding two more books to my list#god i'm not even through blood of elves yet. awful. this is why i can't keep anything up i forget my ebooks exist as options#then i should read that book about eleanor roosevelt that my grandma got me. as a token to her dskfjghs#wanna reread the hours! have a physical copy just for that so i can annotate#gotta finish the once and future king.#all that to say that there are many books that will be on this list once i actually sit down and read some of them#have to remind myself that i Am actually doing good i'm at over a book a month rate. this is fine#two books a month rate! actually!#shout out to library due dates for being a fantastic motivator#seventeen books on the 'read' list this year. this is fine bracken. you're doing good#realistically this is SO much better than previous years 😭 good stuff. just gotta keep reading#valentine notes#list that would have been so useful to have when we were doing that book recommendation thing
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katyspersonal · 1 month
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3 for Aldrich, Aldia, Willem & Laurence
9 for Maria
11 for Micolash & Aldrich
24 for Laurence
(Asks from this ( x ) meme)
3) What first drew you to this character?
As for Aldrich, I vaguely recall finding out that he checks the traits I like the most? He was one of the characters I've learned about through fandom and not on my own, and I think this ancient meme about summarises it:
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Also:
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@val-of-the-north SHUDDUP you're basically so horny for Laurence/Logarius/Snatchers that you can't even picture them in your mind in any way but being naked!!!!!!! *casts the stone back at u*
With Laurence, like with Mico, it was the very first glance at the character in Youtube compilation with boss themes and concept art image. I did not know the lore yet, but the design and the music made me imagine Laurence as sort of aged, sagely librarian. I could not imagine back then that his boss fight would be him being a "helpless abhorrent little mewmew" as kids call it! Heck, I thought he'd have dialogue despite the monster form x) In a way, my first impression was not wrong, with the cut content of him actually talking even in a beast form, and implication of him being a son of Cainhurst cut content librarian NPC! I have intuition for cut content before having information, hahaha!
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I have nothing to say about Willem. It might be a memory gap thing, but I swear at some point I feel I was turned off and then booted back up with liking this character already installed in my system x) As for Aldia.... ugh for fuck's sake... yeah, it was this legend:
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I was absolutely floored by this stupid vid even without knowing any context, but I also instantly liked this character. I didn't even know his name yet, but the voice acting and long yapping about philosophy already pulled me in XD (Also unironically, this video is precisely how I give relationship advice fhfhdds)
9) Does this character remind you of anyone you know? Does that affect how you see them?
Yeah, I know this person. I know them very well. I know them more than anyone else. Someone who was misguided (by their destructive influence mentor figure, by their own foolishness and past history, or combination of both, who can tell anymore?) into committing awful things, then despaired over their sins and attempted redemption but also failed in some way? This person is me. At some point I've found myself in front of horrible truth about my past life and personality, and knew I was guilty and sullied forever. That it was over for me as a human being, but that didn't matter, and I could only keep people safe by locking myself away and trying to serve something better.
......annnnd it took a few years of more informed people to (metaphorically) shake me and slap my face into lucidity, explaining to me that I've fallen for the "BPD demonization" that was going far beyond than my individual failure as a friend, and we are always accused of abuse and causing irreversible harm when the worst we do is being emotionally overbearing. I kept losing trust to those friends, telling them that they were enablers who tried to gaslight me into thinking I was not 'that much of a monster', until it was other people with BPD who 'shook me and slapped my face into lucidity'. xd Nonetheless, even though now I know the truth about how society treats BPDs, I remember the feeling of being so monstrous and harmful that I was not even allowed to "touch" people with my dirty hands, how my reality used to be. So, I could write Maria going through this effortlessly, especially considering what she did was more plain and tangible!
In fact... thank you for asking me about this, because I kept wondering why I had such frequent dreams about being Maria, and why the Maria in my dreams acts like abused child that took back control against Gehrman despite my portrayal of the guy being so different. And now the puzzle is solved! That part of me still lives inside, it seems.
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11) How did you “fall in love” with this character?
Already answered this for Micolash here: ( x )! As for Aldrich, it was through properly analysing the bigger picture and context of his actions. I've figured that his madness was, in fact, being informed on what was far too ahead of everyone else around him! He, like the rest of the cast, is trapped in the rotting, doomed world in which the only choices are 1) "die with dignity" or 2) commit something unthinkable from moral standpoint for a chance to escape. And will morality of the rotting world will matter in the new world anyways? Won't it all be left behind and be forgiven?
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The guy also tried to take everyone else he could with him, like sort of a fucked up Noah's Arc! I can tell that they reused the concept with Rykard, at least, I am glad they know what works xD I'd say that the sadism he experienced upon eating people was either result of insanity (he understood a thing no one should understand), or still didn't exclude the bigger purpose (egotistically revelling in how holy he is helping everyone and doing what no one else dared, which would be like my Laurence). In any case, I have the strongest respect to the courage it takes to transcend the bonds of morality and compassion in order to to greater good. Being burdened with the knowledge of how the world really works, and choosing to push through instead of still being bound... This is why I also like Fauxsefka; learning how this world works, she chose to turn people into Kin so they can't ever become beasts. I am weak for this trope, you don't understand.
24) Do you ever dream about this character? If so, describe a dream you once had about them.
Laurence appears in my dreams only in two contexts: 1) Micolaurence or 2) dreams about finding secret files in Bloodborne that reveal his canonical appearance before beasthood! I can tell the latter comes from my everlasting unsatisfaction with my design for him, because I love it but it doesn't feel "fitting" and I can't identify why!
The former, I think, fandom rubbing onto me x) In two of these dreams, I was Laurence. In other two, I was Micolash. In one of Laurence dreams it was mutual, in the second one I was in love unrequited. In one of Micolash dreams, it was mutual, and in another it was not.. Basically, my dreams allows me to experience this ship from every possible angle. o_o Waiting for more I guess fhhdfsfd
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Thank you for asking! And.. without exaggeration, you've just done quite a psychological work on me by just asking the right thing. I need to think about that, hahaha
#bloodborne#dark souls 3#aldrich devourer of gods#laurence the first vicar#soulsborne#ask replies#personal#memories#dreams#honestly I remember Maria in my dreams hiding in the closet like an abused bullied child.. that big strong woman reduced to this#and I finally know why it was this way#I'd rather not sully Gehrman with something as dirty as my stepdad of course he deserves so much more and he is his own man#I just don't like the approach of turning characters with their own stories and personality into vessels for my trauma#it feels like frenzied flame: you got infected by it and you have unending need to spread it. to scorch the world in your pain.#I don't think this approach would help my healing but instead make me feel worse by nourishing the trauma#I am keeping it sealed away from the world forever now </3#see this is why it hurts me so much when gehrman haters accuse me of being insensitive to people that want to project their negative-#-experiences with men and misogyny onto him even if that means twisting the actual story and character. I do have a reason to do it myself#I just choose not to because I personally dislike the idea of making fandomry about myself more and about source material less#I don't want to bring the pain and horrors inside me into something that doesn't have them. some things can stay clean!#the passive aggression between canon worshippers and fanon enforcers is something that cannot be avoided in the fandoms#and I disapprove of the lie about 100% peace and mutual respect between the 'camps'. we will never FULLY like each other#each thinks their approach is more productive for the community. and that's fine!
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feroluce · 1 year
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incredibly sexy of you to be blankshipping on main and in the tags <3 and with incredible takes and ideas on top of that!
Thank you Anon, it's so hard having the biggest dick in the room, but someone has to do it 😔
As a slightly? more serious answer, I think it's good and even important to have people being loud and proud and totally self-accepting on main in the proship circles. Like there needs to be someone showing the people who got bought in on the anti stances and are then beating themselves up for totally normal things that it's ok. You aren't a bad person just for liking something problematic about a play-pretend character in a make-believe scenario and you don't need to sink into self-loathing over such a thing.
Because some of them are in actual agony over this stuff, and some of them have already accepted this about themselves but are too deep in the anti circles now, so they'd lose their entire support system if they were outed. Not to mention how creepily violent and invasive antis get about proshippers- and as someone in actual anti spaces, you'd have a front row seat to all the atrocities people would wish on you, or maybe even go so far as to commit them themselves.
Like you know how people talk about extremely strict religious parents? How they would try to control a lot of the thoughts and actions in their child's life? And then sometimes even get violent when they didn't comply? All while excusing it as trying to keep them from sinning or being a bad person? It's the exact same thing. And it has a lot of the same effects, too. Antis aren't beating the problematic out of each other. They're just plain beating and traumatizing each other and then making each other into better liars who secretly hang out on the proship servers on the downlow.
And it sucks! It sucks so bad! Because I've talked to people in those exact situations and like. Especially the fact that a lot of them are still young. Like barely young adults. Some of them are still technically teenagers. They shouldn't be dealing with this bullshit at what's already such a tender and difficult age. And it makes my heart ache and my blood boil because some of them are outright scared and there's just not a lot that I can do about it. You can't shield or protect someone from all of that and it sucks.
So like yeah I'm gonna be noisy and annoying and yowl right on main because at least with that I can give people somewhere to go where they feel decently safe and accepted, even if they never interact once. That's what got us the blankshipping server, because our creator was in the anti servers while sending me blankshipping asks and decided "you know what this sucks actually" lol. That's what brought in a lot of our members, because I could yell my heart out into the void here and! People heard! And then they joined the server and found a place they could finally breathe! And it's so much fun in there now!! ♡
Anyway tl;dr thank you dear lovely Anon you are entirely correct I am incredibly sexy and everyone desires me carnally and my dick is huge and I haunt the submas servers with how I live in their minds rent free skzjkdksjd
#my heart goes out to the people caught in such terrible sticky situations like this#I got an ask once where they forgot to put it on anon and then got a dm from the same person where they were PANICKING about it#because they were so scared that I was going to accidentally out them by answering the ask#(if you see this sweetheart then I hope you know I'm rooting for you and I've never told a soul- not even my fellow shippers;#that secret comes with me to my grave)#this is also why I always keep anon on- I'd rather let the people in hiding or on the fence interact safely than not at all#like god but for real though#my biggest respect to the shippers who are able to lay low and control themselves#they used my name to test the blackout/censorship/whatever you call it function in the anti server and like#I just know if I'd been online at the time I wouldn't have been able to help myself#I would have given up my secret identity in a heartbeat for the bit#because it was just a bunch of people chanting my name like they were playing Bloody fuckin Mary and I woulda popped my head in there like#'yes you rang' BSKKDJXKDKDK#funniest fucking thing I'd ever seen it made my entire week I was in PUBLIC at the time out to lunch with my MOTHER#do you guys have any idea how horribly I must have failed at keeping a straight face BSKDKJZKSKKKD#and then I accidentally got drunk on too much rum and went to a craft show it was a good day dfkljadfkakda#I used to love seeing the blocklists every week too because my name was always at the top but then they started alphabetizing it rude orz#I think the last one I saw was from somewhere else though bc it wasn't alphabetized and DINGO was 2nd from the top while I was way below#*shakes fist* HOW DARE YOU DINGO#I almost didn't wanna answer this ask I wanted to keep it because it gives me warm fuzzies thank you anon haha#the horrors never cease but fun little things like this make it easier <3#ask#answer#anon
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steampoweredskeleton · 5 months
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#delete later#god i wish i was neurotypical#found out my flatmate is going to be away for a few days after they left and bc id had no warning my anxiety spiked so hard#that i had such a wave of nausea i had to lie down#idk why that fucking happened. ridiculous. irs not like it really affects that much. just the thing of my home being changed in any way#without warning freaks me the fuck out. couldnt do any work til id laid under my weighted blanket at lunch#and like obvs this is an entirely me thing. i dont expect my flatmates to tell me every detail of what they're doing#not sure how to keep myself from freaking over it though. will think on it#but yeah. if i was neurotypical id be fine. i also want to play ky video games after work but im akways so exhausted that all i can do#is lie in bed under my weighted blanket. it is so frustrating. im so tired. not helped that pain is fucking me up in new ways#so im also upset aboit that. and that christmas is approaching abd that changes the routine completely#and is always overwhelming#but this year im staying home so i will be able to keep it quiet and low key and it'll be just me so i dont have to think about#masking in any way which is kind of nice as even the vibe of Christmas takes a lot oit of me#i enjoy the thought of it and always hate the day. same as my birthday. fun in theory. incredibly stressful actually#idk whether it's work stressing me oit long term but right now any change to what im expecting from my routine is making me#so so so frustrated and upset#i had to go get meds after work on tiesday and became so upset by it that i was awake until 1am and was super nauseous#not enjoying that as a primary symptom of anxiety rn. i find eating hard enough as it is#the hair washing routine has given ne sone stability this week which was very nice abd made me feel calm. abd mt physio routine#the energy it takes to do it is outweighed by the relief i get when ive done that part of my routine and then go to bed#work is hard. working full time is so hard. im coping but not well. defo think i need to try getting regular therapy sessions if only#to help me plan for what i need to do and work through coping strategies bc im really hitting a wall. i need to problem solve all#these things but im so exhausted that i can't. so they just keep piling up
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frazzledazzlin · 1 year
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hope u guys don't mind me being a little queer sometimes and talking to myself in the tags, it helps clear my head since people can filter out rant posts easily
#bc i had not used this place in a while until late 2022 ive absolutely forgotten if i used to talk to myself in tags here before or not#i say this bc i now have people who actively see my art here n just throwing random rants here would be very rude so i prefer tags help#feels safer here too LOL#also feels a little scary but im sure that's normal for many that there are ppl who read all tags mein gott#NOT A BAD THING THAT PPL READ TAGS i wouldn't be writing anything if i wanted to kill people for reading tags lol#just stating observations aheem aheem#its like writing on a public bathroom's walls and people passing by to be like “damn bitch ok” /funny#also do not worry at all about how i express myself i do apologize if my words sometimes sound like im on the brink but like#violence is the only way i love to be expressive HELP#watch me be on the government watchlist for the shit ive said gootbyeeeeeeee#but do not feel worried i will be ok eventually every time. sometimes i just gotta explode oh so violently to deflate and feel normal again#WISH I COULD USE EMOJIS ON THIS DAMN PC#anyway the person im trying my damned to avoid is Sure Making It Difficult#at least the people i wanted to know why i was autotune crying baby for a while heard me out n im alive in that regard finally smile emoji#how long can you keep gently hinting you want to distance yourself from somebody until you lose your goddam mind and feel sweet relief when#they actually leave said group themselves after getting my blunt hints help help#oh i sound so fucking rude with just my side but mein gott i don't care bc it was never a serious thing to begin with#just shot my anger thru the roof for good reason and finalliegh im getting mutual distance from that person lol#never get close with ur fave artists worst mistake of my life /hj for real#u start off loving seeing them every time and then boom youre sad how things turned out every time you see them my god#also make sure ur minor friends dont feel like they need to mend things for the adults i feel so fucking sad for someone bc of this rn but#i talked to them n hopefully they understand aouhg.#anyway back to queer posting thats enough soup for today good god#ranting
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ankhisms · 6 months
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dont know how to explain but i feel like that scene in black sails where anne has had the shit beaten out of her and shes on the floor of the deck and she just grabs the shards of glass on the floor and you just see her with her face in shadows gripping the shards of glass in her hands. yeah
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