#god im depressed dont talk to me

[yellowocaballero]

Been a fan of your fics for YEARS. I was just telling my friend how despite how much I read fics I never actually love them, with some of your fics (especially TMA) as the exception. Felt the need to reread some of them and saw you reblogged some ISAT fanart. So. Any thoughts on ISAT you'd like to share?

Hope you have a wonderful day!! So happy I found your fics again!!

I avoided answering this for a while because I was trying to think of a way to cohesively and coherently vocalize my thoughts on In Stars and Time. I have given up because I don't want to hold everybody here all day and I have accepted that my thoughts are just pterodactyl screeching.

I love it so much. I have so much to say on it. It drove me bonkers for like a week straight. I have AUs. It's absolute Megbait. They're just a little Snufkin and they're having the worst experience of anybody's life. Ludonarratives my fucking beloved.

I am going to talk about the prologue.

The prologue is such a fascinating experience. You crack open the game and immediately begin checking off all of the little genre boxes: mage, warrior, researcher, you're the rogue...some little kid who's there for some reason...alright, you know the score. You're in yet another indie Earthbound RPG, these are your generic characters, let's get the ball rolling.

Except then you realize that these characters are people. You feel instantly how you've entered the game at its last dungeon, at the end of the adventure. They have their own in-jokes, histories, backgrounds, adventures. They get along well and they're obviously close, but not in a twee or unrealistic way. They have so much chemistry and spirit and life. I fell in love with them so quickly.

But Sif doesn't. Sif kind of hates them, because they will not stop saying the same damn thing. They walk the same paths, do the same things, make the same jokes, expect Sif to say the same lines. They keep referencing a Sif we do not see, with jokes we never see him make and heroic personality he never shows - they reference a Sif who is dead - and Sif can't handle that, so he kills them too.

They become only an exercise in tedious frustration. Sif button mashes through their dialogue, Sif mindlessly clicks the same dialogue options, Sif skips through the tutorial, Sif blows through the puzzles. Sif turns their world into a video game. Sif is playing a generic RPG. Sif forgets their names. They are no longer people with in-jokes, histories, backgrounds, adventures. They're the mage, the warrior, the researcher, and...some random kid.

I did not understand the Kid's presence at first. I had no idea what they contributed to the game. They didn't do anything. As a party member in a video game, they're a bit useless. Why is the Kid there?

Because Sif's life isn't a video game. Because the kid isn't 'the kid'. They're Bonnie. Bonnie, who the party loves. Why is Bonnie there? Because they love them. There is no room for Bonnie in the boring RPG that Sif is playing. And then you realize that Sif is wrong, and that they've lost something extremely important, and that they'll never escape without it.

Watching the prologue before watching ISAT gave ISAT the most unique air of dread and horror, because you crack open ISAT and you see the person Sif used to be. You realize that Sif used to be a person. Sif used to be the person who made jokes, who gave real smiles, who interacted with the world as if they are a part of it. And you know you are sitting down to watch Sif lose everything that made them a person, to lose everything that made them a member of this world, and turn them into a character in a video game who doesn't understand the point of Bonnie at all.

At the climax of the game, when the others realize that something is deeply wrong and that Sif physically cannot tell them, they realize that there is nothing they can do. So Bonnie declares snacktime. And for the first time they have snacktime.

What is snacktime? Classic JRPGs don't have snacktime. There's literally no point to a snacktime - not in a video game, and not in Sif's terrible life. It's not fixing this, because nothing can fix this. But Bonnie gives Sif a cookie and Sif eats it.

It's meaningless. It's a cutscene. It didn't save Sif and it didn't change a thing. It will make no difference in the end.

But it did make the difference. It made all of the difference in the world. Bonnie is a character who you really don't understand the point of before you realize that Bonnie was the entire point.

ISAT is about comfort media. Why do we play the same video games over and over again? Why do we avoid watching the finale of our favorite shows? What is truly comforting: a story with no conflict, or a story where you always know what is about to happen? Do you want to live in a scary, uncontrollable world, or do you want to play Stardew Valley? Do you want a person or a character?

When I beat Earthbound for the first time (and if you don't know, the prologue/ISAT battle system is just Mother) and watched the ending cutscene where the characters part ways and say goodbye...I felt a little bit sad. I wanted them to be together forever. But that's something only characters could ever be.

#these aren't deep or unique thoughts they're just the specific aspect of ISAT that made it one of the most interesting gaming experiences #i actually like the prologue much more than ISAT for just this reason #its honestly a video game art piece that's created to give the player a very specific experience #that makes them an aspect of the narrative that is told #it's. incredible. #in stars and time #start again start again start again #start again: a prologue #isat #god and there is so so so so much more to say here #what a rich and complex and fascinating game that made me cry like a baby #i dont even kin sif. we arent similar at all. #i cant imagine how devastating this game would have been if i did #but I do have a deep relationship with escapsim #and i write about it a lot #and video games about being video games are wonderful #as are stories about being stories #and why we consume stories. how we use them. how they save us and hurt us. #never played a video game that used its medium so well #i bet undertales also pretty good at that but this is more so i think #stories about stories have to be about why we love stories #and im not an artsy person and i roll my eyes a bit when people talk about the spiritual neccesity of art #i think people need stories because the world is sad and hard and boring and we want to think about something else for a while. #some people need to be anywhere but here #and sometimes if you're Lil Depressed-Ass Snufkin that looks like being here forever #baby cringe-ass snufkin big hat idiot

[manichewitz]

an unfortunately really really frustrating part about seeing different companies/organisations/etc try to be more trans inclusive is that even if they're actually doing a great job, its fucking depressing to see how people need to be formally trained on how to treat me with respect. i'm reading this article right now about how theatre companies are trying to be trans-friendly and how people actually needed to like. take classes and talk to experts and get all this gender stuff explained to them in order to have an accepting workplace, meanwhile it's all things that i know about because they are the most basic aspects of my everyday life. its so fucking tiring

#its just depressing that people need to be taught how to respect me bc they wouldn't just know how to do that already #im just like damn...ik we're marginalised but we're really *that* marginalised? ppl dont even know how to be polite to us?? #anyways trans ppl that work in gender education for cis people are stronger than the us marines #you could not pay me enough to explain pronouns or gender identity to full grown adults i just can't do it #like someone needs to but god it wont be me #.txt #alex talks #lgbtq #trans #trans tag #representation #transmasc #transfem #theatre #theater #queer #queer tag #musical theater

[melto]

my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.

#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy #which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself #but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible #and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them #and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them #and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it #and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about #but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me #even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around #And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes #somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much #but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself #so everything they had said about me has been true for so long. #every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car #every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart #i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god #im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up. #i think im going to throw up right now. #deeply pathetic. #news with isaac

[lycanthian]

i should really come with a warning label. WARNING: gets weirdly susceptible to thought spirals at the end of november

#praying that this fucking fixes itself soon because i cant fuckinf stand it #weird dichotomy knowing that ur susceptible to spiraling and beinf hyperaware of jt but not knowing how to get out of it #maybe its depression maybe its anxiety maybe jts a secret third thing #maybe its just because this time of year always reminds me of a lot of shitty things im dealing with #i dont fucking know but i wish it wpuld fucking stop #or at the very least get someone to talk it thru with me. not that theres nobody who does but i hate going to the same person too many times #because i feel like im just annoying them and being way too needy because i cant regulate my fucking emotions #desperately need to look into therapy or a diagnosis or something when i have the stability to do so. god #lycan howls

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im still procrastinating so bear with me #ive just been thinking abt something. like the idea of a support system #bc as a 1st year grad student ppl around me r like: it must be hard being away from ur support system or ive left my support system when i #moved halfway across the country. and like i dont really feel that way bc idk the idea of a support system is sorta odd to me #like for me i guess it would just b my parents who i kno love me but im just so weirdly asocial that i never really talk to them #like i hardly ever text them. we talk maybe every couple months. so like i guess i theoretically have support but its a bit abstract #and like i have friends i guess but again im a bit weird and dont really feel connected to ppl so i dont feel that close to anyone #surface level friendships i guess. i dunno. i just feel weird not not having a support system but also having it b hollow #i guess i cant feel it more now. like i feel like getting diagnosed as bip0lar made my problems seem more realized to my parents #like i dunno i just assumed they knew i was doing awful most of the time but maybe that wasn't the case #its such a weird thing to b diagnosed with. like the conotations feel a lot heavier and i feel like im not supposed to talk abt it to ppl #bc theyll think im unreliable or something. like it wouldnt b that big a deal if i was just depressed but the sometimes buring out of my #skin makes me somehow scarier. and i still feel conflicted bc i do have a bip0lar mood profile but i have very very high impulse control #and even when im going high my mind is still super rational about it. which seems weird bc low impulse control is common with #the diagnosis. its also y i dont fit an 4dhd profile. not that it really matters. i fit the criteria enough to be on the bip0lar spectrum #its not like someone's gonna come yell at me for not being bip0lar enough. i just feel odd about it is all #still feels fake i guess. hard to imagine feeling any different to how i feel now. which is weirdly stable. so i guess the meds r working #sigh... ok enough i need to go to sleep at 7pm so i can get up at like 2 to finish reading a paper. for some reason my god forsaken brain #works better in the early morning rip #unrelated

[skitskatdacat63]

Every evening I hear updates abt the outlook of the 2024 presidential election, and every day I am filled with a deeper and deeper sense of dread

#im pretty depressed most of the time lately #this certainly doesnt make things better 😄👍 #and i see people younger than me talk abt voting and they just are so fucking naive and stupid #i study politics so its not smth i can or want to get away from #but idk w this presidental election. its just futile and hopeless #but people take that ^ as incentive not to vote and im just so frustrated #tw politics #<- i dont wanna talk abt serious topics on here too much but god its stressing me out so badly #every time i am reminded the reality of the situation #catie.rambling.txt

[fellhellion]

the way Miguel conceptualises the alternate self and Gabriella is sooooooooo ahdhdjfj god he’s so mentally ill and emotionally isolated. like, he views himself and the other Miguel as functionally synonymous (“I found a universe where I was happy”) and thus sees Gabriella as essentially as much his own daughter as she was to the man she actually knew.

#miguel o'hara #miguel and spiderverse’s silence on our Miguel’s family life just leads me to think they’re either dead or the relationships he had w them #are so broken as to be unsalvageable #but man. MAN. he wanted that life so badly he considers himself to be synonymous with alt Miguel. And his attachment to Gabriella IS one #defined by him going that’s my daughter 🥺❤️ oh her dad is dead? I’m also her dad! and that life looks so happy and SHE is what makes it so #why can’t we both have that. #god. he needs therapy he needs ALL of the therapy and also like. a hug. dude. you’re so damn depressed my guy 😔 #im thinking spiderverse the narrative doesnt dig into the whole. you didnt RAISE this girl miguel thing ik you love her but you're not her #father thing because theres already sm going on in the narrative and its more streamlined to keep his conflict solely on the canon conflict #but in world id wager the reason other characters dont dig into that with him is because like. how do you even approach a conversation like #that. for all the messy and fucked up moral complications theres no doubt that miguel SINCERELY loved gabriella. and considering timeline #wise this all went down a few months ago and everyone has been busy mopping up anomalies. ofc no one wants to have this conversation if it #doesnt look like it needs to be had <- miguel just slowly losing his emotional gourd in the corner over just. ALL of this lmao #tunes talks spiderverse

[moenmomentsthemoe-en]

ooooo ahhhhh oooooooooggg (big vent in tags

#vent #rips hair out rips hair out rips hair out #rambling about finances and jobs ueueueee -> #i want to have a life where a job doesn't take my entire life but god it feels like its just a reality that i need to it suck up #i dont!! want !! to suck it up!!! i dont want work life to be the only thing i should have in my life !!! #maybe i should start selling on etsy?? i dont know if i have an audience to sell to aughh #i want to believe that if i try hard enough i can find a livelihood where i have space for my lows [that im still working on but GOD it #takes so so long to even dent it and. fuck] #maybe ill open an etsy shop?? #i kinda wish i could like. talk about this with someone? like my plans? without getting the suggestion to push beyond my limits #ive tried and did push beyond my limits before and it didnt end well .. i know that its important to step outside of our comfort zone #but holy cow i genuinely cannot tell where is my comfort zone and where is Burnout until. well until ive burnt out completely #i dont know the line between challenging myself healthily vs sprinting without break til i drop #scratches head #i think. i need um. support more than criticism? which sounds entitled of me. i think. i cant tell #concrit is amazing and without criticism how am i going to Be Better - but most of the concrit i receive half the time are things #that i already know and am *struggling* to fulfill which kinda just ends up. pushing my anxiety to a breakdown? mmghg #i. i want to . work healthily. i know that i cant work in a contractual job (retail - customer service - corporate etc) because i genuinely #CANNOT risk having a depressive low thats too prolonged or an anxiety spike that messes up my workflow to the point it disrupts an *entire* #working environment with other people that are just trying to do their jobs and also risk breaking one of the contracts' terms. its just no #safe to do it (ive had a contractual job and nearly. fucked up badly cause of my mental illness. im not risking it again). but DANG does it #feel like im just making excuses to not get a job #i. i have an idea for an etsy shop since freelancing would be the safest option. i just don't know if im good enough at my skills to. #actually sell to customers you know #ooughgh i wish i could run by my ideas to someone without being so so scared of. appearing as inadequate or illprepared when im doing my #best? but also its a Job and im supposed to make sure theres little to no mistakes and have a product that's of the best quality i can make #AUHGHG #i dont know how to work healthily and consistently and it scares me. #i dont know how to take care of myself and i dont know how to work. which is like. the two most important things i need to live sustainably #probably seems unproductive to me to like. talk about this on a tumblr post if anything but by the gods i need to process all this

[todayisafridaynight]

sad to think about how daigo was probably grieving mines death alone

In my silly dreamland i like to think at least katase also showed up to pay her respects ….

#snap chats #she seemed genuinely worried about him before he left for okinawa #at the very least she might show up just to show respects since she was the last other person to speak with him #i doubt they were super close but idk …. #its not that i couldnt bear the depressing notion that daigo was the only one to ever care about mine #i dont doubt thats true but still … #maybe i just want daigo to be able to talk to someone about mine who even Somewhat knew him #idk im dipping into my google docs now #oh my god wait speaking of mourning things my laptop’s screen is busted :)))))))) #it got knocked off my desk and the screens not TOTALLY black #sometimes it tricks me into thinking its back to normal but it’s unusable rn so i have to get it fixed this weekend and i am not happy #but its ok it cant be helped. //screams//

[zenithpng]

‼��‼️ tw for suicidal ideation + vent in tags

#holy fuck my life is going well why am i suicidal again #like i just. wow! i want to die! #im just overcome with this horrible depression and i have no energy for anything #i feel so cold and i cant get warm #i dont even know what to do about it because everyone i trust is so far away from me #like should i try and see my therapist again? would it help? #i just hate talking to her because i have this weird need to be polite and not bother anyone with my bullshit #shes so nice but i just. have this weird brain i guess #the worst part is that the dumbest fucking thing tipped me over today too #and i have physics homework to finish. and a math test coming up that will make or break my grade. #and i just have *no energy* for anything. like im physically active and i eat well and fucking doing everything right but for some reason i. #just cant seem to work properly. #god what is wrong with me i hate everything about this situation and myself #i just dont wanna be alive any more fucking please #like im not gonna do it but damn. if not for my partner id probably go drown myself or something right now #sorry this is so depressing and long winded im such a mess #vent #delete later

[neck-thats-made-for-bruising]

Whenever this gets brought up my mom always says "aw I know how you feel I have body dysmorphia too :(" bro I don't have body dysmorphia I know I'm skinny and most of the time I like how I look that's not even the problem so literally just stop brining it up constantly

#i know shes trying to help but Im just annoyed #it was 6 MONTHS AGO Im fine you dont have to act like Im fucking insane #'I just cant believe youd tell a stranger over me I must be doing something wrong' IT WAS A DOCTOR #and yes youre doing a lot of stuff wrong but thats not why I didnt tell you #so calm down #literally all teenagers keep stuff from their parents #am i supposed to go to you and say omg mom Im fucking depressed and dont want to eat #like?? what do you expect #and the doctor TOLD YOU its not helpful to say that you have body dysmorphia too because telling me that does nothing except piss me off #god I fixed everything it was 6 months ago Im literally fine #Okay I do appreciate my mom trying to help I guess I just had to get that out of my system #but whenever my mom and dad talk with me I know my dad is telling the truth when he says you can talk to me about anything and tell us what #we're doing wrong #but my mom is such a liar because anytime anyone tells her something she takes it so fucking personal and then plays the victim while #simultaneously telling the person that theyre playing the victim???

[betasuppe]

I just *sobbing like a little kid* want to know *crying pitifully* what it's like *full on bawling like a fool* to be LOVED💔💔💔

#nok talks #not a jab at any of my wonderful mates #i just dont... feel or process love & kimd emotions #i know what theyre supposed to feel like #but i legitimately cannot reach these emotions through a cage #though theyre testing my strength every day not to break down #because of how badly i want to drown others in my abundant feelings! #... plus also as some one who has been undesirable my whole fucking useless life #i really do wish i could one day be loved in a way thats not restrained to platonic only love #& love back in full in turn #like god i want to hug people & to be hugged! #i want to cuddle & smother people in affections & be returned in same! #... but some people are not built for that #im just a fucking nervous depressed wreck with the guise of a class clown #i dont fucking know #im rambling #but god #i just want to know how it feels to really love someone & for someone to really love me back #i swear x(

[symphorine]

.

#personal #i was like. already being gloomy lol thinking god i wish i could be a normal fucking person #talk to and message ppl and form and maintain friendships and know what to fucking say #and then i realized. even if i finally understood how it works and how to do thay. chronic fatigue means #i am literally unable to sustain the effort it would need. i cant do it. i cant reach the aspect of normalcy i desperately want #im already so close to my limit. i owe several people very overdue replies. and i want to talk to them! but. energy #and now im just sad. forget the autism the depression the chronic pain. the fatigue is what's worst for everything #i can never function to the level normal people can ever. i thought maybe the realisation would be a relief but #im just sad and frustrated and it sucks it just sucks #i want to make friends i want to fight that yawning pit of loneliness that i cant shake but i literally cannot #i dont understand what i have to do to matter enough to other ppl that they see me as a friend. idk how to interact with people naturally #its all learned its all painstakingly learned and built patterns and now i cant even try to learn more. im too fucking tired

[impostorsshow]

Tips on how to be just as sexy as you?

Y'know I was gonna make a funny ha ha comic about me having no rizz but I actually uh. Have gotten asked out like 5 times in the past 4 or 5 years,and I've gotten in 3 relationships without making any of the first moves so uh. Idk be autistic and find someone who your happy to hang around with and natural rizz will come out

#i also think one of my friends has been flirting with me? and i know that 2 of my irl friends could very well develop a crush on me #i hope the irl friends dont #so thats like #3-11 people depending on how you count someone with DID #im deleting this tag if they ever find my tumblr account #ask #talk talks #I SO BADLY WANTED TO SUPPORT THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT SAYS 'YOU SUCK' BUT THERES TOO MUCH EVIDENCE #IG SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE GOD COMPLEX THE DEPRESSION AND THE AUTISM I GOT PASSIVE RIZZ?? #update my partner says i have both rizz and negative rizz #and this is because i constantly type out finger guns after pulling s good flirt so uh #choose between finger guns or love i know what ive chose *finger guns*

[vanyafresita]

why can't a boy take a break from the horrors ? oh, must i always suffer this way ? is there no end to this madness ?

#<- had to deep clean its bedroom and decided to take a 20 minutes power nap that became a 3 hours existential crisis depression time #everything is laying around on the floor and for the life of me i cannot get up from bed to clean it up #i found a bunch of boxes filled with stuff from when i was suicidal in highschool and it hurts too much to look at it #but i cannot bring myself to throw them away bcs these are the only things i have that certify that i was Alive at that time #ive no photos of me no nothing apart from these notebooks filled with gore drawings and fanfiction about characters killing themselves lol #how do i make peace with who i used to be when that person brings me such sadness.... #im so sorry ivan i should have treated myself better im doing my best nowadays !!! #u get to turn 18 ! and 20 ! and 25 ! and soon we're turning 26 and youre so much happier and content in life #its not all good u still are depressed and cant talk to people but ure much better than u used to be #i think of teenager me and how he thought i wouldnt make it this far... and when i think about my future and how i wont be able to make it. #i think... actually i was wrong once and i figured things out #i think i can do it again.... #and i will !!!! by all gods that i dont believe in i will !! #vanya strawberry flavored

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#aaaand thats a 3rd doctor. a psychiatrist. who listened to me ans thought: mm sounds like bip0lar lol #me: wow its so easy to get diagnosed as bip0lar. thats bc u r exhibiting lots of depression and a limit amount of mood elevation. that's #like. thats what bip0lar is. she was like yea ppl with bip0lar 2 spend like 75% of time being depressed and a lil elevated mood... which #sounds like what u r describing. me: #...yeah. but again its complicated by the 0cd and spectrum issues. but she independently brought up 4dhd. just when i was like no its all #0cd. here we r again. stuck back in the messy overlap. but whatever i got proscribed bip0lar medicine. lam1ctal. we'll see #bc everyone i talk to is like. we need to control the mood 1st. like so u dont die. and im like hm yeah good call lol #she seems super cool tho. like i would love to just talk to her. ugh. she wants to get a handle on the mood and then maybe add a stimulant #bc shes had it happen in thr past where someone comes in with debiltating 0cd and got treated with lam1ctol and a stimulant and the #obsessive rumination stopped. so well see. idk if ill actually qualify as 4dhd enough. well see. fingers crossed #my mood is a lil elevated rn so its all fun. well see if we tip off a cliff bc im getting less sleep and go go going #unrelated #ugh im scared to start the medine tho bc the ssri i got proscribed fucked me up so much. which is also an indicator of bip0lar #god dammit. if this works im gonna have to actually accept the idea of being bip0lar. i mean. it makes sense being on that spectrum #is just sounds insane and i was not expecting it despite my fucking obsession with understanding wtf my deal is #idk. whatever. doesnt matter