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#god whatever sorry for venting in the tags
frecklydork · 1 month
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I’m so sad I won’t be able to watch the Oscars until I’m home from my trip in the third week of March ☠️ the whole world would have seen I’m Just Ken by then and I’ll be left behind 😭😭
And it’s not just “wah im gonna miss a show” bc I don’t rly care about the show itself necessarily. This is my main F/O and I won’t be able to see him but other ppl will. I have felt so disconnected from Ken. I’ve gotten a handful of inbox messages where ppl say “oh i have him call ME his sweet girl now because of your comic” or ppl will tag my ship art with Ken as “oh that’s ME and Ken” and it hurts. I’ve said multiple times I’m not comfortable sharing F/Os but ppl just? Don’t care?? My self insert isn’t somebody for you to project onto, holy shit why is that so hard for some ppl to comprehend
Now when he calls me sweet girl in my fics/drawings I don’t feel anything anymore, I’ve tried making comics and I feel absolutely nothing from him, it doesn’t feel special anymore bc so many people keep self projecting onto my self insert as if she were an “x reader” experience. I’ve felt disconnected from Ken for a couple of weeks now and I’ve been trying so hard to feel good with him again but I can’t. I’m so numb. I don’t want to lose him and the fact that the self shippers who openly project onto my stuff will see him singing live, but I won’t, feels like another major step backwards away from him, if that makes sense. My ship with him doesn’t feel special anymore. I need these characters so badly, I don’t have anybody else if I don’t have my Ryan F/Os and I don’t want to go back to months ago when I had absolutely nothing to hold onto and I was fighting every day just to stay alive. I’ve had special interests completely ripped from me due to abuse and I can’t go back to feeling as bad as I did last year, I had never felt worse and I’m so scared of feeling that way again. I need my F/Os I need Ken and I’m so far away from him now I don’t feel his love for me anymore and it’s terrifying bc last year was the worst year of my entire life and I don’t want to go through my flashbacks and nightmares all by myself, I don’t want to go back to constantly planning my own demise when my trauma was so fresh and I had nothing to comfort me. I jolted awake from more ptsd nightmares today, which has been nearly an everyday ordeal for a year, and I wanted to think of Ken comforting me like I usually do but I didn’t have the heart to do so. I feel so unloved and replaceable the way ppl easily replace my S/I in all of my posts, I don’t believe he’d care for me anymore.
I keep having meltdowns bc the thought of losing F/Os all over again during a time when I’m STILL in such an unsafe situation shakes me up so bad and I don’t know how to solve this problem. I need him with me I need comfort from these characters but I don’t feel connected with them anymore bc I’ve associated them with a dozen other people. At this point I’m not really upset about missing Im Just Ken, im upset about the fact i just feel nothing whatsoever and watching that live could have helped a little but I won’t be able to access it until other people have already seen it, and it won’t feel special anymore. And my ship with him just in general doesn’t feel special anymore, none of them do, and I’m scared and devastated and I don’t know how to fix it
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your-local-granny · 3 months
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going through main tags is always so fun and enlightening cause im stumbling upon a bunch of people watching campaign 1 of CR for the first time (or the show w/e) and getting mad at vax for "making poor decisions with his wellbeing and lovelife" and like. babe that's his ENTIRE CHARACTER. he genuinely makes actively worse decisions than caleb and fjord COMBINED he also is just usually not remorseful/ reflective about it. I mean he gets sad and stroppy by the end about basically everything but he never like. reflects on his mistakes and grows. this is the guy that bullied half the party into letting him have 2 vestiges and the boots of haste. the guy that barreled in SOLO after both VAMPIRES and FUCKING THORDAK. ALOOOOONE. this is the guy who kissed keyleth with NO FUCKING WARNING and then proceeded to get 0 confirmation from her about whether she wanted a relationship or not before ending... whatever relationship he had with gilmore and then doing *drumroll please* fuck all about the keyleth situation!! he's a very interesting character and i love him very dearly but for however cool and competent he seems you MUST remember that he is an idiot and also a dick a lot of the time!! and that's okay you can like him still i prommy!! but that's not like a part of his character for you to overlook— it's an integral part of his character that colors most of his big decisions! INCLUDING THE RAVEN QUEEN BIT
okay sorry i'm going crazy i've been having opinions about vax since 2016 and I think a lot of people try to pick apart these moments without acknowledging that there's a pretty clear through line here
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Okay. I know I’m not the best at math. But my god, stop trying to mansplain everything to me. I say ‘mansplain’ bc I know full well that these guys perceive me as a woman, so in their minds, incapable and needing to have things explained to her.
For real tho, I suck at math, but I guarantee you, you suck more and what you’re doing is not only rude, it’s embarrassingly inaccurate- (9/10 the dude explaining something to me ends up being proven wrong the further we get in to the day’s lesson)
Stooooop trying to one up me just bc you think I’m a woman and feel threatened by the fact that a ‘woman’ is smarter than you.
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for-thee · 1 year
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hi tumblr i'm gonna leave this here
so recently i've gone through a bunch of changes in my life (for the better) which had really taken a toll on me. stuff had been going on for quite a while and it was extremely tiring, causing most nights being me staying up and worrying about people close to me. this is relevant i swear
the other day i decided to lay down and listen to the oh hellos because i felt like it and the first song that came on was glowing from boreas and after a moment i just completely broke down. i'm not sure if this is the exact meaning of the song but i think of the meaning like "it's possible to come out of something that feels like 'some kind of dying' still 'glowing' (or still being okay)" (probably not the meaning but whatever my brain said that). Since i took it like that, it made me realize something about myself:
i was able to come out of something so overwhelming and painful "glowing".
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backbeatbugs · 1 year
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*looking through my spotify- trying to find artists to see in concert* "oh prince- nevermind. oh i love mama cass, nevermind. ohmygod seeing simon and gar-ok. TO SEE GEORGE HARRIS-"
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thalassicbeast · 2 years
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(Ppssst low object constancy can also be an autism thingy) 😀
i had a hunch, yeah, and your ask lead to me doing some quick research on trauma and autism (since it appears in both, and i was thinking "well a lot of autistic people are also just traumatized") and i just saw this:
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and i don't mean to antagonize allistic people with ptsd being like "why do you get so much attention 😤", yet i don't feel like i've seen this discussed often. whether it's with personality disorders, trauma, dissociation, there isn't enough discussion on how it might appear in variable forms, especially in autistic individuals. and it makes me wonder if i'm missing out on support or information because i'm experiencing trauma, a PD, or dissociation in a lesser-known way. i feel like it's because mental health awareness in general is kept on the down-low because it's uncomfortable but it's genuinely concerning to me that an already hush-hush topic has even less to be heard on autistic people's experiences
anyways nothing on the post i was tagging or you i just literally saw this and was like "oh yea wtf wait i need to talk about this"
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tezerenotameiki · 2 years
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lex-n-weegie · 2 years
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Of course when I'm feeling bad and I attempt to look up my favs to make me feel better (twice might I add), I'm immediately bombarded with stuff that makes me so god damn uncomfortable. Thanks Twitter and Tumblr 🙃
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barredandromeda · 13 days
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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phantom-does-a-thing · 11 months
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maybe its just imposter syndrome or whatever but I'm looking at my ao3 and im just. not feelin good about my writing rn.
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commander-damneron · 1 year
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I've got no water at home and my GI tract hates me, so I am now a permanent resident of the disabled loo in the students union
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testing-tranquility · 2 years
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i think this is the worst I’ve felt in a While
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gu1lty-as-sin · 2 months
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⋆ ˚。⋆౨ৎ˚ welcome to new york ⋆౨ৎ˚⟡.•
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hii!! ☆ juno ☆ they/she ☆ minor ☆ bisexual ☆ cancer sun, libra moon, sag rising ☆ intp-t ☆ ♡ ☆ aus ☆ either a celestial god or a pebble ☆ wannabe alt girlie ☆ folklore + 1989 girl at heart ☆ my spotify stats aren't concerning at all ☆ anxious mess ☆ i love my friends more than life ☆ sparkling water > regular water ☆ loves a good fun fact ☆ in love with piercings and wants all of them ☆ proffesional procrastinator ☆ a humanities/arts/music girl in a science/maths world ☆ wouldnt survive a day without spotify ☆ free palestine!!
url change!! previously astraeasparrow, just changing it to gu1lty-as-sin until my ttpd obsession passes <3
find me on: pinterest -- spotify -- carrd
sideblogs: @likeasugarcubeinateacup (notes app poetry) -- @slowrotburiedinthepark (web weaving and random art) -- @stabbingstarsthroughmyback (writing) (im not that active on them though)
last update: march 19th 2024
currently reading: the odyssey - emily wilson's translation
currently watching:
currently listening: march 24
ʚ⁺˖↪ i love:
literature, the arts, queer culture, astronomy + astrology, witchcraft, feminism (no terfs allowed!!!!), fruit flavoured drinks, flared pants, converse, dark red, nail polish, eyeliner, burgundy lipgloss, tank tops, tote bags, brie (always dreaming of cheese), pinterest, spotify, my headphones, the ocean, my grandparents house, spring+winter, very specific shades of pink and green, black <3, fiddling around on the guitar, fantasising about being a famous musician, finding new music, snow, picking silly little outfits, drawing, writing, going to concerts
ʚ⁺˖↪ books:
osemanverse, the hunger games, books by rhiannon wilde, tim te maro's subterranean heartsick blues, all the best liars, books by octavia butler (specifically parable of the sower and parable of the talents), the last true poets of the sea, acotar, the weight of the stars, the seven husbands of evelyn hugo, the picture of dorian grey, house of hollow, howls moving castle, harry potter (mainly marauders, FUCK JKR), i kissed shara wheeler, red white and royal blue, song of achilles, wings of fire, the secret history
ʚ⁺˖↪ movies + tv shows:
dont look up, little women (2019), scream (i like most of them but 1996 is my fav by far), ladybird, barbie (2023), some of the mcu (thor and guardians of the galaxy <33), spiderverse (itsv is my love), gilmore girls, stranger things, loki, heartstopper, arcane, scott pilgrim takes off + scott pilgrim vs the world, mean girls (i love both hehe), dr who, percy jackson (the show, i um havent read the books)
ʚ⁺˖↪ artists:
boygenius + solos, taylor swift, glaive, brakence, paramore, ricky jamaraz, melanie martinez, lana del rey, ashnikko, girl in red, billie eilish, doja cat, big thief, adrienne lenker, ethel cain, mitski, remi wolf, cigarettes after sex, ericdoa, tv girl, clairo, the neighbourhood, bon iver, deftones, maneskin, courtney barnett, poppy, the smiths, american football, susannah joffe, renee rapp, mcr, the front bottoms, pierce the veil, flyleaf, gracie abrams
ʚ⁺˖↪ favourite colours:
black, dark red, burgundy, denim blue, sage green, soft pink, glaucous blue, golden yellow
ʚ⁺˖↪ talk to me
asks and dms are open for whatever, chatting, venting (*coughs* simping over jesus baker) , i might take a bit to respond though sorry -- i rarely follow people without an intro post/descriptive bio (with name, age group and pronouns especially) -- discord is astraeasparrow (i dont check it often and dont know how it works very well)
ʚ⁺˖↪ dni:
people who are: rude, racist, homophobic, transphobic, zionist, terfs, sexist, ableist and/or antisemitic
ʚ⁺˖↪ tags:
#juno.txt -> ramblings, original posts
#asks -> asks ive answered
#ask bait -> hehehe send me asks
#tag games -> tag games ive participated in
#beautiful mutuals -> interactions with my beautiful mutuals!
#spotify -> my music obsession dw im fine fhdklfhdal
#them tag &lt;;33 -> posts that remind me of my most favourite person
thats all!! stay hydrated and have a wonderful day/night everyone <3
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ashersanity · 2 months
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Hey, Asher. This is degenerate anon once again. Sorry for swarming your inbox with my asks 😭 I noticed you haven't been doing so well (because I may or may not be stalking your tags), and I just wanted to double-check, hope you're doing well. You're a pretty cool person and I'm kinda worried about your state Please, don't overwork yourself, whether it goes down to answering asks or other things like work or studies. We can wait as long as we have to for the first case, and you're a human too. What you do already is far more than enough I also just wanna remind you that you're awesome, and if anybody says otherwise, I'll punt them to the moon. I would have offered my inbox too, but I said some very embarrassing shit, there is absolutely no way I'm getting off anon, so all I can say is that I'll always be here for you, presence-wise. Eat and rest well today, you deserve a break (˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡) - Whitney's left tit- whoops, I meant... Degenerate anon :)
Lmfaooooo what. nah.
heavy vent. scroll past. thanks. →
Really, the last thing I really wanted when I made those posts was to worry anyone, not that I think I would but now I’m seeing a bunch of people suddenly reaching out to me and asking if I’m okay. I appreciate it a lot, really I do and you too, degenerate anon, for even bothering to ask when you could’ve scrolled past or played off those tags as shits n giggles since that’s what it sort of was in my head anyway. I wasn’t exactly in the best of states when I wrote those. Sometimes, rarely so, it gets so bad that I’m acting on impulse, sputtering out bullshit about wanting to end it right then and there, that it’d be better this way if I was never born at all. Its fucking hysterical how I play it off right after as if I didn’t just casually mention it a bit ago because truth is, I’m not okay yet I don’t want to reach out to anyone either in fear of being a bother and the vulnerability that comes with it. This whole persona of being obscenely horny for entertainment, unserious just for it to be a coping mechanism.
Not exactly sure why I’m laying it out all on you when you didn’t even ask for it, it’s selfish to do so but your ask just really made the words scramble and be put together in my brain as though I finally had the opportunity to answer the why to my question. Why the fuck am I like this. Why the fuck am I plagued with this utter crap of dealing with whatever the fuck this is. I don’t know what it really is, some have told me it’s depression and I’m simply in denial about it. Maybe I am. I’ve been through worse than this, especially in the lockdown though this somehow feels worser for no reason. I’m supposed to have gotten my shit together by then, moved out, new life, new place to settle in, new people, people who are actually kind and welcoming, regularly work out and whatnot.
I still feel like utter shit. I still feel like I’m not doing enough. To be honest, life is moving way too fucking fast for me, one day I’m still a young kid who’s spending his time all day at the park and the next I’m supposed to be a grown adult who’s got all his shit together by then, who has responsibilities, responsibilities that cannot be ignored nor pushed away no matter how much I try to run away from my problems. I know that it’s not that hard, at least, not compared to other people I’ve seen who have it so much harder and still manage through it all while I’m barely hanging on by a thread. It’s so pathetic, god. I need a shitty fictional character from a porn game to even cope about it but even then, there’s so much I can think about before reality hits me once more and I’m left to deal with my thoughts alone in the dark while my roommate is dozing away in the next room.
I hate it so much, I feel as though im not good enough no matter what I do, no matter what I try is simply not enough to measure to other people’s expectations or mines either, not that I think of myself much to begin with. Even when people tell me that what I do is good, wether it be art, writing, who I am as a whole, that they enjoy talking to me because I am who I am, reassured on my appearance too because no matter how many compliments I get I still feel like a monster hiding beneath a layer of flesh moulded to look like that of a human. I feel displaced. I feel as though I don’t belong. It’s not there’s nothing in the world for me, it’s simply I’m nothing for the world itself.
I’m a burden. It’s as simple as that, the amount of guilt that I feel when people express affection towards me, wether it be friends, family members, hell even romantic partners which I may or may not have rejected all from the horror of intimacy. Whenever they tell me they love me to my face, that they worry for me whenever I’m in a bad state, I can’t help the pit that fills my stomach nor the lump in my throat because I truly am undeserving of this fucking love. Give it someone else, please. Anyone but me because they need it more than I do, than whatever the fuck of a shitty person that I am.
I have it bad, so fucking bad that when someone hugged me today, I was practically burying my face in their shoulder and clinging onto dear life because by god, this is the only time I’ll ever allow myself such contact every time I push it away. Nearly burst into tears like a moron too even if I rarely do ever cry since it’s been ingrained in my head to never cry, boys don’t cry, he says, only sissies do and the last thing I wanna be is a pussy. Cried in front of him once as a kid and he told me to get my shit together and suck it up unless I wanna be beaten up in the adult world. So bad that someone actually caught me crying once and I quickly played it off as physical pain (recurring stomach ache) hurting me so bad that tears were spilling, frantically reassuring them that I’m good. Sometimes I do wonder, why i am the one to reassure others.
I know that if I actually reached out to the people that have offered, sought a therapist like a few people have recommended to, it would possibly get better or maybe not. It would probably do more good and I’d be able to sort through these feelings for sure but I won’t. I fucking won’t. I’ve gotten used to bottling up these feelings. Fuck, I’ve repressed them from years and it seems they’re finally spilling in this overly long ass post that no one will bother reading. That’s fine with me because I really need to say it out loud for once even if it’s written through text on a fucking platform called Tumblr where cock is more prevalent than someone’s fucking life.
I’m not okay. That’s the thing. I’m not fucking okay. I wish I could play it off as I usually do whenever people ask me such questions like “how are you” irl. I wish I could say it out loud, say it to their faces, say what I really am. I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay and I don’t think I’ll be okay soon either because I’ve not fucking okay for so long that it’s getting to me. I’m not okay. I’m miserable actually, I’m so fucking miserable that I wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up again. I’m so fucking miserable that there’s not a day that goes by where there’s this fleeting thought in the back of my mind that wonders, wonders how better it’d be if I were to disappear altogether, stop being a burden to those around me. I’m so fucking miserable that I didn’t even bother answering your well-intentioned question and instead am laying myself bare to the world on a shitty tumblr post. I’m so fucking miserable that I had to pause as I type this because it’s as though I’m finally admitting the obvious truth that I’ve been unwilling to say. I’m so fucking miserable that I just wish I could curl up into a ball and freely cry into someone’s lap, I wish I could fucking yell it even.
I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay. No matter how much I say it in these written words it doesn’t seem to equal to the amount of times I had to muffle myself, clasp a hand over my mouth in the darkness of my room as a teenager so that my noisy parents don’t overhear my cries. I’m not fucking okay because even when I tell myself as an adult now, that I’m over it, I’m not. I’ve been going through it for so very long, willingly choosing to suffer in silence because it’s the easiest for me even if it will ruin me in the end. It’s already ruining me and eating me from the inside. I’d rather dump all of this crap on here than even say it to the people who’re close to me, asking about it.
I’m burnt out, I’m tired. I wish to rest but I can’t.
Because I think I’m fucking a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve such.
I hope you’re doing better than me, degenerate anon. Sincerely so, you deserve it and thanks for even asking again despite the few interactions we’ve had through asks. You’re my favorite anon for sure.
But ahah, im doing fine lmfao.
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Two things I can't stop thinking about 😂
1) some people have sensitive stomachs. How can so many people watch Dom cook something so in depth and ask "where's the spice?" He's talked about having a sensitive stomach before. Garlic, onion, salt, and pepper are spices. I can't have anything more either. His comment section is insane- can he ever do anything right? That's one of my new favorite videos, he's so precious 🥹
2) The absolute trouble someone went to just to spell my name wrong and piss me off. Your phone wouldn't even autocorrect to Jenk or whatever so you did that shit on purpose. You wanted to disrespect me for no reason when that should have been a respectful conversation. It just makes me even more flustered. It had to have been a MF fan because I hope EST don't push each other's buttons that way 🙄
I know I don't rant very often anymore, I try to keep my page light and happy because a large part of my life is bullshit these days and I want to spread love and hopefully a little happy. I think sometimes it just helps to vent. Hopefully it lets people know they're not the only ones stressed about little things sometimes. I just get so fucking tired of disrespect whether its to me or the boys or my friends on here.
Kells gets hate for everything to the point that's all he can see and I'm so scared for him lately. Dom does something huge for basically nothing (I could go to Bludfest if I wanted on my disability check if I felt I'd be healthy enough, and that means it's affordable AF) and yet people say it's still corporate and overpriced until he's not sleeping and trying to explain himself as politely as possible. Cause god forbid he have anger to anything, he'd be cancelled. I watch my friends get hate on here just for speaking their mind (normally something plenty of us agree on) and I can't help but defend them. I'm still so fed up by the added disrespect of spelling my name like an asshole. Jinx- it's not that hard. Spell it right or keep it out of your mind. Or better yet, be brave enough to tag me. So you think I don't get enough disrespect every day of my life? Getting deadnamed constantly and misgendered. You don't have to fuck up the only safe space too.
Sorry if my ranting was too much, I just needed to get a little off my chest. Especially after the song release today I'm scared for Kells and I've been scared for Dom for a while. I hope you're all doing amazing and having a lovely night. Spread love so people don't have to be hurt 🖤 you never know what small act will stick with someone, let it be kindness. I love you all so much 🩷
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shinbine · 6 months
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i don’t want to cause drama so don’t answer if you don’t want to <3 but i can’t believe we came to a point where sa/bezra shippers are the ones i have to block instead of the baylan/shin ones. at the beginning i thought i was going to have to fend the latter off and instead they are all pretty mild and keep it to themselves and out of the tags. the former tho! they are so aggressive?? idk what’s going on anymore. sorry for this random vent but given that you shipped them before the show i thought you had an insight on this weird intensity!
Yeah, I have absolutely nothing against the shippers as I used to be one too!!! And honestly, if they’d managed to build it up (and if Ezra hadn’t called her his sister lmao) I probably could’ve been okay with it happening (I do see Sabine as bisexual, but I fully believe in women having platonic male friends) but I just don’t see why there has to be drama over ships ever 😭 unless it’s actually just actually ab/sive or illegal, let people ship what they want 🥹 but you’re absolutely right, it’s crazy to see how mean people have been over this show. It’s literally just a show and shipping isn’t harming anybody (and NOTHING is confirmed until Filoni says so… they’re legit his OC’s lmao).
As a former sa/bezra myself, I will say the fandom was always like this. I wrote many a fanfic back in my day, but there was a lot of toxicity then too I’m afraid :( it’s just a shame because honest to god whatever happens, these are straight up fictional characters. But yeah legit, good insight OP.
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