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jubilantscribbler · 3 years

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Scribby’s Recipe of Existential Dread and Mistakes

Ingredients:

Whatever you can raid from the fridge without waking the 'rents

The light of your phone because your 'rent is sleeping legit next to the kitchen

For this example I have:

My dad's remaining pepper jack cheese

My dad's remaining sharp cheddar cheese

A whole thing of gruyere I was saving for a legitimate recipe but who cares lmao

Smoked salmon

Avocado

For some reason we have olives so I guess that will also be added to this affair

God help me

Instructions:

Cut out thick slices (but not too thick) from your dad's cheeses. Leave him the bigger portion cause, you know, that's his cheese.

Cut off some of that gruyere you were saving for that One Recipe you were gonna make for your fam on your One Week Off but you know that maybe only your siblings will eat it because your parents are on diets and you work late at night and don't know what's the up and up with them until you finish a dish and realize they can't eat it because the rue uses flour so you lament buying the gruyere that was probably an extravagant buy from Costco but so was the smoked salmon and life is hard so why not spoil yourself, amiright? Also think about another recipe to feed the 'rents.

Look at your sad excuse of a cheese platter and remember that your Asian existence means that you're kinda lactose intolerant so maybe this is too much cheese for your feeble body.

Cut more gruyere.

Leave the cheese blocks that you stole and move onto the avocado. Slice it up in the dark and contemplate the fact that you're still living with your parents despite being almost 25, and imagine a life where you don't feel ashamed for buying things like Costco Smoked Salmon and Gruyere. Besides you help pay the bills and groceries anyways so splurging on food once a month is Valid.

Look up avocado toast and smoked salmon recipes and ignore the fact that most recipes call for veggies as well and just settle for what you have. Find the weird bottle of maybe lemon, maybe lime juice in your fridge and examine the partially rubbed off expiration date. It's probably expired, but the fridge is loud and squeaky and you think your dad stopped snoring so you accept your fate and season the avocado with lemon (?) juice, salt, and pepper. Mash together.

Remember to keep turning the flashlight back on as you take pics you won’t use. Also ask if we're running out of pepper. Are we running out of pepper?? Where's the grocery list? When was the last time you've seen the grocery list?? Time is unstoppable and every moment you feel a little more untethered as you realize that the house you've lived in for over five years is becoming more and more unfamiliar to you as you continue to work your life away at a job you hate.

Add a splash of cayenne pepper powder if you can find it.

You cannot find the cayenne pepper powder :(

Taste the avocado mash.

It tastes weird and unlike anything you've tasted before. That lemon juice was probably off. But no one else is gonna eat this but you, so you shrug and accept it.

Cut open the smoked salmon and realize you forgot the fucking bread. Grab a few slices and contemplate how to warm this shit up without waking the 'rent. Toaster pops too loud, but the conventional oven thingy is kinda loud too. Risk it with the oven.

Look at the olives and try to rationalize using these to replace capers. No one else is gonna eat this, so you do it anyways.

Spread the avocado mash on the two slices of bread and realize why food recipes always have a story attached to them. Refuse to elaborate any further.

Be annoyed when your phone refuses to take anymore pics because it's low on battery but also relate because mood. And anyway, you try putting the pics into the post but the Tumblr app just mixes the post up like it’s a batter so you delete all the pics. Layer the smoked salmon on top of the mash and cut up the olives to fit.

Realize this is your first time dealing with smoked salmon and be shocked that this shit needs to sliced up. You idiot. You fool. Of course it needs to be sliced up this isn't deli meat. Sigh as you grab a new knife.

Apologize to the fish for desecrating its flesh. You're trying your best. You really are. Put on the olives.

Consider the roiling in your stomach as a foreboding. Slam this shit into that tiny ass oven and use the broil function. You don't even know if it works but goddamnit you're gonna use it.

Put the highest temp you got and choose a random number of minutes (10 for now). Now go back to the cheese and consider cutting it into palatable cubes.

Just break them to pieces with your bare hands. You're gonna get a stomachache anyways.

Clean up your mess. Pretty much everyone is working in your household so it'll be mighty nice of you to clean up the kitchen as though you were never here to begin with.

Get another plate for your salmon dish. Acknowledge that you probably cooked the salmon all wrong and accept the consequences. Greet your doggy! Hello boy! He woke up from your ruckus and now craves affection. Give him affection.

The oven bings. Food is done! You grab it and go upstairs, but your boy wants to come too. He cannot climb the stairs, so you abandon your food to carry him up to your room.

Go back for the food and plug in your phone.

Don't acknowledge the sudden lack of cheese. An accident happened on the staircase. It was probably a sign that too much cheese was gonna destroy your stomach anyways.

#it tastes like regret #and it looks #AWFUL #don't do this you guys don't #just don't #ohHHhhghjfdks

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