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#going through it

hahaha hi quara i’m good i am just.  currently under a lot of stress and pressure irl.  due to problems completely caused by myself, but regardless.  and then i go to check twitter to take a bit of a break.  and oh look mark tuan is trending?  and i click it.  and there is karl jacobs from mr beast videos and block men.  and then my brain decides.  No.  No More.  and i go to yell about it on here.  keep in mind i am already in a state of constant internal yelling due to aforementioned stress.  and as i post the screenshot of the tweet.  i glance at the time.  12:01AM.  happy “““““March””””” : )

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been going through it my dog had to have surgery, had to put down one of my rats, im broker than a joke, and all around not having a good time. drew this crazy girl to get my mind off things. i had a lot of inspiration from ’obsessed with you’ by orion experience ’an unhealthy obsession’ by the blake robinson synthetic orchestra and ’i cant decide’ by the scissor sisters. highly recommend these songs

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might stop talking to the people i know irl, isolate myself, and play minecraft for hours at a time. jump right back into my depression and maybe actually ✨disappear✨

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Psa; I’ve only been reading short fics recently, I’ve a buildup of abour 40 fics that I’m yet to read! If you see my like nd not reblog your fic - it probably means I’ve not read it yet :))

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Not to be like lonely or anything but I just went on Instagram and now I want someone to hold my hand and never let go

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we finally get 4/4 sbi and i have work 😔

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I made a new recipe. It’s called MCR and it’s Mac and cheese and ramen. I might be depressed.

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I am extremely worried and unmotivated and the future is so uncertain. Everything is expensive. I don’t even know if I can find a job in the area I’m going to school for while keeping up with rent and electricity and internet.

I’m so scared all the time and it makes it very hard to enjoy my life when I feel like it could crumble into nothing with just a few chance choices.

And yet it feels like it’s always all my fault. Too unmotivated to get up and properly do your schoolwork? No, I’m just lazy and a piece of shit that’s ruining my future.

I can’t even retain information like I used to. Words don’t make sense and I feel like I don’t know how to read anymore. I loved to read. I learn something and then can’t remember it.

It feels like being handed a puzzle but I was never taught what shapes were. I have all the information but I can’t put it into a form that makes sense.

I’m scared I’ll forget how to be happy. I’m scared I won’t be able to own a home with the person I love. I’m afraid I’ll become so absorbed in my problems I’ll forget how to love the person I’m with. I’m afraid I’ll never be financially stable. I’m afraid that I’ll develop depression on top of everything else.

I’m afraid I’ll never be at peace. That I’ll be content and happy and stable.

But.

But. But. But. I’m high strung but I’m not an idiot. I’m sociable and have a sense of humor. I’ve been told I have common sense. I’ve been told I have book smarts and street smarts and that it’s rare. I’ve been told I have nice hair. I’ve been told my eyes are a color nobody can tell. I hold movie nights and game nights with friends now. I talk to my brother and it’s not always a fight. People seem happy to see me. I drink water. I can bake. I don’t have a nicotine addiction like EVERYONE THESE DAYS SEEMS TO.

There are positives in life. There are postives in my life. It’s not always going to be great. Everyone has to suffer hardship and we have to understand it’s never going to be convenient. If it were it wouldn’t be hard. I need to understand that. Life has trials. Life want me face first in some dirt.

But I’ll eventually be okay. This too shall pass. It’s only temporary. It’s just one of those things. This isn’t forever. Life moves on.

One thing at a time.

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Oh brain is full of some self deprecation tonight

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anxious as fuck for tomorrow might fuck around and rent flatliners again 😎

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you cannot be a streamer if you can’t take responsibility

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pain is going through twitter and rewatching the fan sign videos

pain is realizing that’ll never be me LMDAO MY BROKE ASS

💔💔

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i’ve been going through it™ so to speak the past couple of months 

i remember when i was younger and first started going on this dumb website i read a post that said the poster’s mom knew that the poster was doing better mentally when they would start humming and singing again around the house. until now i didn’t realize that that absolutely applies to myself as well; i kind of convinced myself that it was just a coincidence but because im medicated and in therapy now im noticing how things make me feel and why i do certain things some times. 

today i didnt do much. i dont do much most days because i graduated from college last may and ive been unemployed ever since. that doesnt bother me TOO much but it definitely bothers me. i had been dating this boy for just about 4 months when we broke up and i was falling in love with him. it tore me a part. this was a month ago when we broke up. 

the point of all of this is that i started singing today. there was no music already playing. i reached for my ukulele and i wanted to learn a new song. i wanted to play other songs that i already knew, too.

my last therapy session with my therapist she had said that she thought i was accepting this break up more quickly than i thought i would, and at the time i didn’t understand what she was saying because it didnt feel like i was any more okay than i was the week prior. i’m really bad at picking up my small accomplishment on my way to success. 

this, though, this was a giant leap. i feel whole again. i feel like myself again. i feel okay again, and that’s all i can really ask for. 

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I matched with a girl on bumble and she didn’t even message me, I think she just unmatched me.

I also have two girls that I responded to that have just…. not messaged me back

Holy fuck. I’m gonna die alone.

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A fucked up childhood;photographic memory; ADHD plus an Eating disorder. God does have a fucked up sense of humour.

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I’m about to upset a lot of ppl


Wizards are THE dumbest motherfuckers on the planet.

Seamus: Eye of rabbit, Harpring hum, turn this water into rum.

Harry: what’s Seamus trying to do with that water?


BITCH LOOK AT YOUR CONTEXT CLUES


You’re telling me, a no-nose, snake motherfucker, with a magic wand, COULDNT KILL A BABY?!?!?!!

THROW THE LITTLE SHIT OUT THE WINDOW

DROWN HIM

BOIL HIM

CHOP HIS HEAD OFF OR SOME SHIT

Thank you for listening to my rant. *bow*

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