#going to be a shitty person forever.

[starwikia]

suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am. 

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions. 

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. 

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post. #before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly #again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but. #he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin. #its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it #its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people #we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves #so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit #like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it? #yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice. #this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi #gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism #its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt #if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions. #hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him #like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me. #its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it. #for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong #oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this. #james somerton #idk might delete this later its just. ugh...

[angelsdean]

people will say stupid things abt dean winchester everyday. the good thing is we can just say "that's dumb" and keep on being so good and sexy at media literacy. and loving dean winchester.

#sorry but why are people projecting their personal experiences with shitty family members onto dean winchester ?? #all while ignoring canon and people literally pointing out that their takes and interpretations hold no weight #like everyone is entitled to their Headcanons. but that's all they are. and no one is required to share your personal (bad) interpretation #and also ppl need to understand that no one is going to bring their headcanon into actual analysis and discussions abt canon #also analyzing canon thru your headcanons and trying to twist canon to fit what you believe while ignoring anything that contradicts it #is bad media analysis point blank. and people having actual discussions abt canon are gonna rebuttal #and debunk your claims if you have a weak argument with little support #again. headcanons are fine. do whatever you want forever in your personal sandbox. #but don't bring unsupported headcanons into discussions abt canon and present them as fact. #because they're not #and also stop acting like dean winchester is your shitty dad / uncle / brother / ex / whomstever #vic.txt

[skenpiel]

i filled a whole canvas with shitty little rose doodles te other day and this was the only one that came out even half decent LAWL. can u tell i lik e stylizing -_-

#my art #doodle #rose lalonde #WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I PISTED A draAWING THAT WASNT LIKE. FOR ANYTHING. HUH????? #ages ages its been Ages #i havent like. drawn. like i used to for almost a full year now. idk wats up w that #but anyway mostly i make a lot of silly shitty low effort doodles nowadays #almost all of them will never be seen by anybody. the other ones from this drawing for example #or like. i drew alpha rose too. nobodys gonna Ever fucking see that. i think it makes it a little easier 4 me 2 relax knowing that #like just focus on having fun or whatever. maybe #also thats a lie 1 person has seen it and thhat was my friend matt. but thats only because he was sitting behind me as i was drawing LOL #anyways. its late and cold So im gonna go to bed bye forever everyone #i am every canon compliant homestuck character fans worst nigjtmare 💪💪💪

[nerdy-hyperfixations]

Sorry to be a hater but this is how I’ve been feeling recently

#listen. #I love fluff #fluff is great #but does EVERY relationship have to be fluff and only fluff #I’ve noticed in the past that fandoms fandoms tend to #like #stray away from any conflict between characters they ship that doesn’t end in ‘omg you were right and I was so wrong 🥺’ #‘no I was wrong and I’m so sorry 😖😖😖’ #‘okay let’s agree to never fight again and be healthy and happy forever 🥹’ #and I’m more into complex not quite a perfect fit relationships right now #ones where they struggle to stay together #or where they both like each other but don’t get together for reasons OTHER than miscommunication #ones where they know they love each other but there’s obstacles #or where they’re both abusive shits #or where they’re both shitty people and they fit like a glove #I want more than just ‘luv you bby’ ‘awww me too’ ‘let’s go pet puppies together’ #like sometimes I find two characters and I’m like ‘YES! something refreshing! let me find more content’ #only to find all the fandom flanderized the characters #especially with the more toxic ones #it’s like. they’re shitty people but the fandom can’t explore that so they just remove everything that made them interesting #and its like ‘…why are you using *these* characters to do this?’ #there’s every other character in the world to be sweet and cutesy #I’m hyperfixate on *this* dynamic #not the same dynamic every other relationship before it had #it’s like copy paste characterization regardless of if it makes sense #anyway #sorry for being a bitch about this but whatever :/ #personal post

[sayheykid]

i genuinely don't think a story's worldbuilding and lore has ever drawn me in the way that check please did. it's been years and i still think about it every day. the characters and plot were always superb but i think what has stuck with me the most is the depth of the settings and how everything feels so lived in and tangible. everyone wants to make a fake world and town and university but no one else has EVER done it that well

#like the college setting especially is so delicious to me #there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about the campus map and the building names and the haus and the stop and shops #ugh i need hardcore analysis injected into my damn veins #also this could be it's own post. but #the generations of players and how every fan has different people that really speak to them #like i'm not a huge kent/tater or dex/nursey fan and honestly am pretty ambivalent to jack/bitty #(don't take this the wrong way) #but i LOVE ransom and holster and shitty and lardo #and even some of the other characters like bully and tango though i admit the later years don't hit as hard for me as the first couple #i just love that everyone finds something to go batshit over #the attention to detail was just so so incredible and still for SURE holds up #no matter what aspect #i was never super directly involved in the fandom but when i think back on formative pieces of media for me as a person and as a writer #i don't think that there are many things that compare #if you've read my writing i don't think it's hard to see the correlation at all #also if you want to talk check please analysis (or can rec me others' analysis!!!) i'd be forever grateful #otherwise i'm just going to keep marinating forever #omgcp #check please #omg check please

[lovecolibri]

"Me at my angriest is not me at my most honest."

WOOF. As someone with emotional regulation issues (thanks ADHD/RSD! 🙃) needing space away to parce emotions and be able to come back and have a productive conversation is SO important.

#worlds beyond number #the wizard the witch and the wild one #fireside chat #brennan lee mulligan #also #i am once again reminded that the kind of person i assumed didn't exist so i should lower my standards and expectations #does actually exist 🙃🙃🙃 #i hate it here. i did not need this knowledge. #i could have been contented-ish being lonely forever rather than stuck in a relationship that didn't work for me #because my standards and ideals were too high and that was just on me for having unrealistic expectations #but apparently i just live in a shitty area with shitty people in a shitty society #ANYWAY #ask me how my brain is doing this fine weekend 🫠🫠🫠 #j/k don't ask you do NOT want to know #brb gotta go scream into the woods for an hour #he's perfect and i also hate having the knowledge that he exists

[majimassqueaktoy]

Literally as soon as RGG introduced Morning Glory Orphanage they just went RIGHT HARUKA IS THE MOTHER FIGURE despite her BEING AROUND THE SAME AGE OR NOT MUCH OLDER THAN THE OTHER KIDS AND STILL BEING YOU KNOW A CHILD. And then as soon as she was legally an adult they went you know what let's have her get laid ONE TIME and IMMEDIATELY GET PREGNANT AND HAVE A BABY BECAUSE WE HAVE TO HAVE ONE OF THE ONLY IF NOT THE ONLY LONG TERM FEMALE CHARACTER CONTINUE TO BE IN A MOTHER ROLE RATHER THAN LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE WHEN SHE'S SO YOUNG AND BARELY HAD A CHANCE TO LIVE

Yeah... Yeah they did 😭

#the pregnancy shit from y6 will forever be on my shit list #like it was just messy #I still ascertain Haruka just taking a kid like Kiryu did with her would have been A/ funny as hell #B/ Better than the concept of baby Haruka going through a pregnancy essentially all by herself when she was only 18 like thats such #these cis man have never actually thought about the horrors of pregnancy type thing #like shes a baby and she didnt even get to have her onomichio crew or her shitty little bf with her #i still dont fuck with yuta btw even if he wasnt baby daddy i still wouldnt he annoyed me #WHICH IS FUNNY BC I LIKE THE REST OF THE CREW #like that would be so isolating and hard and lonely if Haruka has a baby i want her to be surrounded by loved ones #anyway didnt happen #Whatever whatever cant change it #And I aint spendin anymore time on it bc every 3 months #a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in north queensland #ask

[einaudis]

There's something painfully insane about mourning the life you could have had.

#I just keep thinking about that. I feel like that idea hasn't left my mind since December #because I know I could (and should) have had a different life. I mean it was all on me #I was supposed to be successful. but I'm not and I don't think I'll ever be #but I just keep thinking about me having my own place and hosting dinner parties #it's such a particular thought that attacked me around Christmas time (and I understand why) #but it's almost May why do I still miss the Christmas parties with friends I never got to host???? #and let's not even talk about the idea of hosting a 'cousins night' with all the cousins #cousins who hate me. cousins that I hate #because in the world that we were sold when we were kids we were going to be best friends forever #but that never happened. and the idea of what it could (should) have been hurts a lot #I'm fine though. but it's a constant sadness that never leaves because I WANT to be that Christmas party host #and welcome people to my place and laugh and dance and create beautiful memories with love #but it never happened and I hate it #anyway... I'm fine #just thinking way too much #random #personal #my shitty English

[thewolfisawake]

"Absolutely not!" Balmoral slammed his hand down, the wood cracking and splintering under the force, "I would sooner execute the lot of you myself before I grant that request!"

"Go right ahead, the Unseelie will be doomed soon after anyway if we do not tamp this Corruption business as soon as possible," Risteard dared, his eyes measuring the king. It being a 50/50 shot Balmoral took his head. The eye, a storm of blue, green and copper, had a draw towards the dark center. Like a void. However it didn't devour him. It seemed he was safe for now. But he needed to appeal to their ruler's sense.

"You know our people are a skeptic lot. Despite the swirl of magic within our beings and our relations outside this domain, it is still difficult to bring forth the idea of such a ghastly miasma. One that can infect beings where sickness does not touch. And one so agonizing and unimaginably turbulent unlike reversion."

Noticing Balmoral keeping himself restrained but not willing to challenge him like the Vizier, Norval piped up from further behind. He turned towards his voice as a Herald, "But in one fell swoop we can alter that perception and ensure a smoother cooperation. Example is a communication that is understood and spreads quickly between the citadel and the settlements. The Corruption, a dreadful and indiscriminate affliction, arrived in the Unseelie slowly infecting its denizens. And its first major manifestation by a stroke of misfortune was the Royal Protector, the mind sickness causing him to be unable to determine ally or foe, slaughtered unfortunate innocents within the palace."

It was brilliant. Balmoral couldn't argue that. It soundly conveyed nefariousness of the Corruption. That it could get to any being, regardless of station and power. But it also forced a scapegoat. One he could not stomach, "Mhoirbheinn is not sick. He is not Corrupted. Yet this will brand him as such. He will be sent to the quarantine area with anyone else that is Corrupted."

"But at least he'd be alive," Solanine quietly said, "that cannot be said if we do not run with this idea. The massacre is already being talked about. And the way it is being discussed...it will be a call for retribution if there is no intervention soon."

"So you propose this alternative. A declaration tantamount to banishment until Creation discovers a cure. If they are capable of concocting one. Mhoirbheinn will be confined with those tainted. Where desecration is all but guaranteed," His sight swept across each speaker as he repeated, "Amongst this ghastly miasma. Infecting a being where sickness does not touch. To undergo an experience agonizing and unimaginably turbulent. A subject to a dreadful and indiscriminate affliction. You can see why I refuse."

"Your Majesty," Risteard started again, his voice exasperated and venomous, "in any other situation I would be fine with you finding some kind of counter and refusing. But when it comes to Mhoirbheinn, your sentimentality gets the better of you. And this is not the time for you to be clouded by it. As it stands, this is the best case scenario for both you and him. It absolves him of the destruction he wrought despite no one but you apparently knowing the purpose behind a senseless massacre. And you earn the full support of the Unseelie in a precarious matter we have no control over. You refuse, you open yourself to question in your rule. Whether or not you fully have control on your court. You are not deaf and know the opinion that surrounding your protector. He is a danger, Balmoral, that you have left unchecked for far too long and with a situation that needs your utmost attention. You must understand your duty over your kindred."

"And you must understand--" Balmoral said, his voice becoming eerily calm as he stood. The temperature plummeted as ice clambered up the furniture and the forms of his generals. It embedded itself into the skin and continued to crawl. The air dry and harder to take in. Fractals spidered across the windows and threatened to crack them. The wood started to wither and weaken under the weight it could once hold. Frost seeped into the skin and began to drain vitality from all those present. Proof of why the aspect of winter was a fearsome one, "--that you are here by my benevolence. Do not underestimate the breadth of my avarice. And you dare to speak down to me as if I am ignorant of consequences and the toil it would take to overcome them. Know. Your. Place."

Resistance was not an option. His gaze like a black hole, uncaring of those it pulls and snatching the last vestiges of fight. Release only coming when he turned for the door. Gasps for breath were heard although his voice rang clear, "My decision stands. The Corruption is the priority from here on. Do not waste my time again."

#{Balmoral Drabbles #oh my god this took forever #but I swear y'all #Bal does not normally bully his generals like this #this is literally throwing him #some of the worst news #during some of the worst timing #and asking him to go through a shitty time #without the one person #that keeps him sane #he's not having it

[mitamicah]

It is not often I can stay away from sharing the joy of music and songwriting at an open mic event - today was one of those nights unfortunately...

#i felt so out of place and awkward there #maybe it wasnt the right time #it seemed like everybody knew one another and i was the odd one out #listening to the person starting out the evening by playing and talking about his songs made me feel so insignificant #i felt so tiny so useless and so utterly alone #like what i would share would not be worth anything #so i went home #the self hate cloud overtook me and i am still feeling the boiling anger but directed at myself #i am glad i went there in a way but yeah it wasnt meant to be #hopefully i will calm down soon so i can go to bed without hating myself too much #that would be nice #could be now i should actually respond to inbox messages for forever ago #hopefully that wont make me look attention/validationseeking #sometimes i wish i had a partner if only to have somebody to hold when i feel shitty #in such moments i feel extra touchstarved #i needed the pressure to get myself out of my head somehow #so i bore my nails into my neck #a hug would have been better and less hurtful #but nobody is around and i only have myself to blame for that #stop it micah nothing good comes out of these thoughts #sorry about that #micahs thoughts

[soldier-poet-king]

All cities (and tbh everywhere, but this is specifically happening in a MAJOR city) should have emergency mental health response teams bc I just had to call 911 about a man clearly having Some Issues and in need of help outside in the freezing weather with no shoes and barely dressed doing cartwheels and somersaults on a busy street + and in the snow and wandering about the neighborhood and I had to repeatedly stress that he wasn't bothering or hurting anyone I was just super concerned about him rolling into traffic during rush hour in an area with notoriously bad drivers + it's cold enough to be dangerous without winter gear + maybe he's got Alzheimer's or smthn like that and accidentally wandered out and is lost bc that's been known to happen

and like sure the 911 operator was nice and confirmed with me that it was a medical-adjacent call and police were NOT needed after I stressed it multiple times, but I had INITIALLY called the non emergency line BC I wanted to avoid the cops and the street outreach folk were like 'nope can't help u gotta call 911' and it's just. SO DUMB.

PLUS. Apparently there's so many 911 calls going in I was put ON HOLD for a whole ass minute and like. I'm clogging up the line for someone having a heart attack or fire or whatever, vs. I'm concerned about this guy but also I'm in the car following at a distance to make sure nothing happens + make sure someone who is less understanding of mental health crises doesn't start a fight with him because he's acting "weird" and wandering on people's front lawns, and it's not really the same level of "emergency" but I'm also 5'3 vs. A Grown Ass Man, and I've no emergency or mental health training so there's nothing I can do EXCEPT follow at a distance and call for help

#franposting #this doesnt seem like a big deal but also im anxious #and i live on the outskirts in a teeny immigrant bungalow suburb #nowhere NEAR any major shelters. hospitals. transit lines #this is not a place where you often see this #drugs? absolutely. but not this type of crisis and i didnt want to get police involved and make things WORSE #an ambulance did show up so hopefully its ok #YES IM SHELTERED BABY but i care so much about everyone all the time #my ocd and also just my personality make me #i get sad and distressed when i see someone sad on public tranist #let alone someone in ACTUAL DISTRESS #my OCD convinced me i killed my art history prof with cancer and that if i dont smile at cashiers theyll *** #WHICH IS UNTRUE #but i care so much all the time i am going to be thinking about this man forever. with no closure! #i cant compartmentalize! idk how! everything is concerning all the Time #this is why im in info management. archives. i only have to work with DEAD tragedies #(not that its all or even mostly tragedy but yknow) not living ppl i feel like i should worry abt #how does the divine worry abt everyone all the time #NOT TO MAKE THIS ABT ME #this is supposed to be about the city's shitty emergency and health infrastructure and how toronto acab #and im afraid to call them on a racialized mentally ill man

[celestefem]

a coworker i’ve grown fairly close to (let’s call her “k”) suddenly just walked out on wednesday. thinking back on some of our conversations, not only is it not a surprise, i’m going to quit, too. i can’t live like this anymore.

context: i work in the kitchen of a residential facility for people with disabilities.

today, another coworker (“s”) said, “i hate to say it, but good riddance. it’s bad for the company to have someone so flaky.” that was my breaking point: s, you can rot in hell. k was the best thing to ever happen to this place, the only one who gave a damn, and you alienated and put her down every step of the way. you couldn’t even bother to remember her name! (she kept calling k my name, even though she’s literally been there for a year.)

another coworker (“d”) was training me how to do the after dinner dishes (because k had always done them up to this point). “yeah, some people wear gloves. those are, uh… what’s-her-name’s down there,” d said, gesturing to k’s gloves. again, she was there a year!! they went on multiple road trips together, apparently, even! d continued to say, “the only thing that matters is speed. what are you doing, scrubbing each dish? just do it as fast as you can!”

d also constantly criticized everything i did, even if i literally was just doing what i was told. for example, one of my jobs was to sort out pops to give to people, based on a list. i followed the list. “what the hell is this?” she asked. “we never give this guy a pop at snack time.” i pointed to where it said on the list she gave me to give him a pop at snack time. “oh, i never noticed that,” she said and crossed it off.

meanwhile, when one guy didn’t want to eat his dinner and asked for an alternate, she was about to give him a cheeseburger. he’s both gluten and lactose intolerant. she’s worked there for over a decade — she should know better.

also, today, one resident’s mom brought her ice cream and wanted me to give her some as a snack. i went to grab a scoop, but s told me to use a different scoop that’s apparently for people with arthritis? you have to shake it up and it scoops easily. but it left a weird black residue on the ice cream. she didn’t notice. i told her and she put it through the dishwasher. the scoop specifically says on it: “warning: do not put in dish washer or expose to heat.” it seemed to be leaking some sort of chemical…

sometimes you’re blamed for other people’s mistakes. a few times, a residential assistant has come down to say, “oh, hey, we didn’t get a plate for so-and-so.” but we definitely did send it down! i specifically remember preparing it! sometimes it turns out they dropped it. sometimes, a different resident ate it. we’re still the one’s who get in trouble.

there was another point where i wanted to quit, but the difference is my mindset then was, “i’m such a horrible worker, i do everything so slowly. i’m so useless and such a bother, they’d be better off if i quit.” looking back at that: what the fuck!! i was made to feel like absolute garbage and for what!?

today, i left for a second to dump the mop water and d said: “where’d she go? i was worried she got upset and walked out, too. seems to happen to a lot of new people.” gee, i wonder why?!

none of my (former) coworkers care. management doesn’t care. nothing is ever going to change. i feel so bad for the residents.

#personal #god i could just keep going forever #turns out the only thing keeping me sane at that job was complaining back and forth with k about how shitty literally everything was #now to rewrite this in a formsl email to my boss… #*formal

[ottitty]

Less of like. Pressure to move in and make plans and fuck and have lots of romance and have all things joint decisions and more like. I'd like to live my separate life w you in it but also kiss n cuddle n be there emotionally when needed sometimes.

#qpps #otter talks #is my fear of commitment/struggle with having fps making a big impact on how i experience and would like to experience relationships? #absolutely #but im ok with that and i'd rather Do That and define my own relationships w people #instead of being a really really shitty partner in a shitty relationship bc i feel the need to fit in with what society deems #'normal relationships' and an acceptable amnt of commitment #i once had someone tell me to my face they didnt trust and couldnt understand how i treat relationships #with the knowledge that it will likely end. with not looking for my 'forever person' and #also being ok with experiencing/acting on diff types of attraction w diff people (with consent ofc). #and thats fine! u dont have to get it! but im gonna do whats good for me instead of anxiously clinging to one person #. i really dont get how like. not going for 'relationship must last forever' or wanting to make huge life commitments #makes your relationship somehow less or you a shitty partner tho. so long as people both go at it with similar ideas in mind! #sorry. im tired n sick.

[brad-bakshi-loves-bugs]

people say the home is where the heart is. brad knows it's bullshit, though.

home is where you feel safe.

and the only place brad can feel truly safe is his car. whether it's his old beat up silver 2006 toyota corolla or his shiny new white 2020 audi rs 3, he spends more time in his car than his apartment.

well, when he's not sick, at least.

brad bought his corolla new back in 2006. it was his first car, and he still affectionately refers to it as "ol reliable" even though it's pushing 410k miles. the car's nearly undrivable now - there's something wrong with the transmission and the car rattles suspiciously when he drives faster than 60mph in it, but he keeps it anyway because it's the only non-living thing he's ever been attached to. that old car got him away from his father and zack, after all. he saved for years to buy it.

because the thing is - cars are safe. which is ironic, because people die in their cars far more than they die in their homes. but they aren't murdered in their cars. well, not frequently, at least. brad knows that zack knows his address. no matter how often brad moves, zack has always known his new address in a matter of weeks. brad's given up on constantly uprooting his life to hide from the inevitable.

but there isn't a paper trail to follow when brad is in his car. he can drive as long and as far as he wants, and no one can follow him or stop him. that was part of his reason for getting his current car - he knows zack can't afford a faster car than he has, so theres zero chance of zack stalking and hurting him when he's driving. not to mention the fact that brad doesnt have any neighbors when he's driving around, so he can blast his music as loud as he wants and scream when he's pissed off and no one will ever hear or know. it's a great release.

brad isnt a car guy. he's only owned two cars throughout his entire life. but he would rather die than be carless. thats another reason he kept his corolla when he got his audi - one day, his audi may be in need of repair or something that requires it to be taken into a shop, and brad doesnt feel comfortable without an escape plan. better safe than sorry, after all.

#mythic quest #brad bakshi #headcanon #tay rambles #we are fleeting we are feeling #wafwaf #im not writing all of this into wafwaf it's just something that Exists in that universe as the truth #idk we'll probably see brad driving around aimlessly in later chapters once david stops being a helicopter parent #im currently 3 hours into a 10 hour roadtrip back home from vacation so thats why im writing this #also its something I relate to personally because I drive my shitty ass 2009 toyota camry hybrid for 50-100 miles a night #when it's working that is #I literally go out at 2am and drive around for 2 hours blasting my music and taking the winding backroads driving twice the speed limit #WHEN IT'S SAFE TO DO SO TO CLARIFY #but like I fucking LOVE driving it's so relaxing #and I have really bad monophobia but it doesnt apply when im in the car #so I don't feel safe being home alone which sucks because im way too introverted to be surrounded by people 24/7 #but in the car? I can be alone forever and not be scared #me in my fully locked and secured house: but what if someone breaks in and kills me #me in my 2 ton death machine that's barely functional: this is my emotional support car and where I feel safest #so yeah thats brad too he just doesn't have the monophobia aspect and instead has very good reasons for being scared of his home #im just a big baby

[beeapocalypse]

dont say this enough but i truly appreciate all of you. thank you for every moment shared

#not to sound incredibly out of it and disconnected from humanity as a whole but all of you are a reminder of an existence outside of this #shitty room. that there is something beyond the day in day out nothing im going to wrestle with forever. i dont know how to word this #i know im unresponsive and reticent and withdrawn and thaat any connection made is temporary and shitty and i am sorry foro that. i don t #know how to be a human being. it isnt due to anyone but mysefl and my shitty insignificant fears. i might not respond i might shy away afte #just a few messages but i truly truly appreciate everything. you make me human #^ sorry that sounds strange as fuck and over reliant on people i cant form lasting connections with but i dont know how else to phrase it #and im going to have to say goodbye one day and it is going to hurt but im not close enough to a single person to make it personal ive just #got frayed and split connections things that mightve been but never bloomed because i just couldnt REPLY so it could always be worse. it is #a mercy it wont hurt as bad as it could when i leave because nobody really got to know me beyond a distant possibility #i wish i could but i just cannot handle being friends with anyone. not of anyones fault but my own #i know im being presumptuous and attention seeking and shitty here. im sorry #i could leave right now. i really could. its a thought that dogs after every single action the knowledge of just how fragile life is. death #is less than five minutes away an easy solution right at my fingertips and still i get too fucking scared to grab ahold of it. clinging to #these ephemeral insignificant connections thaat are now naught but usernames on dashboards and passing thoughts when i ought to just leave

[talesfromthenorsesmouth]

o also because why not get drunk and say things:

you like the shit i draw? I respect u, you'rer the best, I have no training and no idea what I'm doing but if you like it, that feels pretty good, thank u, thank u, a million times thank u

i don't know if i''ll ever finish my stupud comic but i love it so much, it means so much to me, and i know i don't know what im doing in terms of technique etc but i look forward every day to coming home from work and doing a little bit more on it, and if ppl like what im oing that's a massive bonus, the fact that you're nice to me is boosting my self esteem like whoa

#like #whoooo boy a vesper martini is not fucking around u guys #anyway i want to write vicki and edwward forever even if i never show anyone #haha god i suck #art is so good #art is the best #2022 was a shitty year but i'm going to make 2023 good through sheer force of will #also the person who went out of their way to tell me how ugly and british looking i am? #suck my dick u waste of oxygen i try real heard every day #and im not going to stop so my ugly fucking face is goin to keep being here