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goldentournesol · 2 years

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The Love Hypothesis (Finale)

(Spencer Reid x f!Reader)

Series Masterlist

General Masterlist

A/N: this has been a beautiful journey. I can’t believe I started this fic in January and I’m ending it now, if you’ve stuck with me this far I LOVE YOU and if you just found this fic I STILL LOVE YOU. if you’ve read the book because of this fic, i’m honored to have persuaded you and i hope my little piece of work gave you a semblance of the escapism we all want to experience with our very own favorite professor. enjoy my little readers <3

Shaking out her hands usually made her feel less nervous, but it wasn’t working. Nothing was working. In the back seat of an Uber, she tried to control her breathing. In…out…in…out.

“Hey, you okay back there? Please don’t throw up in my car.” The driver said, breaking her out of her trance.

“I’m alright, just nervous.” She stared out the window as they came to a stop in front of the restaurant. Right after getting out, she realized that she was massively underdressed for this place. Imaginary rocks filled her gut, weighing it down, but she made it this far already. Thankfully the host was preoccupied with another customer so she slid right past without her noticing.

She scanned the restaurant for Spencer and he met her eyes from across the tables with lightning speed. She had expected to explain to him using flailing hands that he needed to come to her, but she hadn’t expected that he’d immediately excuse himself from the conversation he was having with--oh, God. Oh God, it was him. He was in the middle of a conversation with Carter when he stood up and rushed to her, his eyes raking over her in assessment the whole time.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Spencer spoke breathily, his hands making their way to her face before he stopped short. He wasn’t supposed to be doing that, not anymore. Her expression had alarmed him and her showing up here was unexpected.

“Spence, I need to talk to you. Like, right now.” Y/N noted the movement of his hands and pushed it aside to analyze later.

“Reid, you can’t just leave the table like that. We were in the middle of a conversation.” A voice creeped up behind him and Y/N’s body immediately stiffened, the color draining out of her face. Spencer caught the shift in her expression and barely glanced at Carter out of the corner of his eye.

“Give me a minute.” He said in a dismissive tone, watching Y/N’s behavior as she firmly, adamantly kept her eyes on Spencer the whole time.

The tone must have aggravated Carter because he just kept talking, “Surely, whatever this is about--it can wait until after dinner, Reid.” That was twice he’d used his name without his title, he’d let it go the first time. People were beginning to turn their way.

At that, Spencer’s spine straightened, rising to his full height and he leveled a look down at Carter, his behavior was suspicious and frankly annoying, “I said I’d be a minute and it’s Doctor Reid.”

That was a voice she’d never heard him use before, definitely one reserved for the people he’s put away. It made her shiver slightly.

But Carter was insistent and Y/N was growing distressed. Without either of them noticing, she pulled out her phone and started playing the recording from the beginning of the speech where Carter had very clearly introduced himself. His insolent voice filled the space between them.

“I’m Dr. Joseph Carter, I run a lab back at Princeton. We’d love to offer our facilities to you.”

Spencer caught the beginning and turned to the phone, staring vacantly to listen while Carter began to loudly object, trying to drown out the sound of the recording. Without a second thought, Spencer held a hand inches from Carter’s face, silencing him as the recording droned on. She only caught some of it, too busy watching Spencer’s reaction.

“You’re quite beautiful, aren’t you? Very smart too. You’ve figured out pretty quickly that sleeping your way up to the top is the only way you’ll get anywhere in this field.”

“I can take you way farther than your precious Dr. Reid ever can.”

“Get off! Get off me!”

“It’s mediocre and not the least bit substantial. Look at you, thinking you did something with your hypotheses, my undergrads could conduct better research than that. Georgetown’s wasting its funds on you.”

She saw it, she saw something shift behind his eyes when they met hers. Something primal, lethal even.

“It was him,” he said softly to her, realizing who had made her cry. Her eyes were lined with tears as he beheld them, her hands trembling as she lowered her phone.

Wrath simmered inside him as he swiftly turned back to Carter and grabbed him by the shirt, slamming him against the nearest wall and making the hanging artwork shudder from the force. The sheer rage on Spencer’s face was enough to make him look terrified. Guests watched on with horror, but mostly intrigue. The restaurant’s manager and waiters gathered around, attempting to calm him down, but Y/N was too shocked to move.

“If you ever come in contact with her again, or fuck, even think of her--I will make sure it’s your last thought. I will find you the coldest, darkest cell where you’ll rot like the dead man you already are.” Spencer snarled in his face, his cadence low and threatening.

“Dr. Reid! What is the meaning of this?” The Dean of Princeton demanded sternly, but Spencer just ignored him and went on. The restaurant was an eerily quiet place at that moment in time. Everyone was too focused on Spencer’s next move.

“You wanna know what I think? I think you’re a sad, lonely man who has too much time--too much power and gets off manipulating young women because his wife hates him. You’re nothing but scum, Carter.”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Carter pathetically defended.

“Oh, you don’t?” Spencer condescended, “You must have gotten your degree by dumb luck then, because what we have is concrete evidence, doctor.” he mocked, “Once we go public with that recording, we’ll see just how many women come forward and end your career. Me, on the other hand, I will fucking end you.”

Spencer accentuated his threat with one more push against the wall before letting him go. Carter frustratedly pushed Spencer’s chest to which Spencer responded by grabbing and twisting one of his arms harshly so that he spun and slammed his head into the table closest to them. Y/N jolted out of her stupor as people screamed around them.

“Spencer, stop. He’s not worth it.” Spencer only seemed to listen to her since he looked up from Carter’s writhing body to meet her tear stained face.

Wrath tugged in his chest as he saw her tears, but he didn’t want to prolong the scene any further. Spencer kept one hand around both of Carter’s wrists as he asked the manager for something to tie his wrists with. Soon enough, the cops arrived and took him into custody after learning that Spencer was a former FBI agent and not just some guy starting a brawl in the middle of a restaurant in Boston. It didn’t hurt to hear him introduce himself as SSA Spencer Reid, either.

“Y/N, I will deal with this and come find you. Send me that recording.” He walked up to her and hesitated for a split second before cupping his large palms around her face and capturing her lips in a sweet kiss. Apparently, this was a thing they did now; they kissed instead of saying goodbye. He pulled away much earlier than she’d like, leaving her reeling as she watched him follow the cops out.

She blinked after him stupidly before the hostess came up beside her and said out of the corner of her mouth, “Damn, you better marry him…or I will.”

The comment alone made her snap out of her trance and laugh for the first time in days.

---

Y/N had landed back in DC yesterday and obsessively checked her phone for any new texts or calls--or even emails from Spencer. The silver lining in the middle of all the chaos with Carter, though, was that Y/N had been receiving numerous emails from prestigious universities all over the country wanting to work with her because of her presentation during the convention. She strangely couldn’t wait to let Spencer know.

She regretted the breakup, she knew she did but it felt like the right thing to do at the time. But…he’d kissed her of his own volition at the restaurant yesterday, they didn’t have to put on a show for anyone there. Spencer wouldn’t have reacted that way if he didn’t care for her at least a little bit, right?

A knock sounded from her front door and she reluctantly stood from her comfortable spot on the couch, surrounded by pillows and her laptop to open the door.

There he was, in all his glory, holding a bouquet of red roses. Spencer stood tall, his face adorning a tentative smile. She took in his relaxed attire--a polo t-shirt and slacks-- and assumed that he was not returning to work that day.

“Hi,” He spoke shyly, the corners of his lips tilted upwards in a smile that just made her heart want to leap out of her chest and into his hands.

“Hi,” She smiled back, grateful to see him. His eyes roamed all around her face as he assessed her mood.

“How are you?” His voice was quiet, concerned and she knew he really wanted to know, it wasn’t just a form of casual small talk.

“I’m better.” She looked better, her eyes showed that glow he loved so dearly and her mouth was stuck in a pretty smile. The one she always gave him--not quite a grin, but something reserved just for him, “Come in.” She invited him in and he turned to face her once he was fully inside the apartment.

“These are for you, I didn’t know which flower you’d prefer but statistically red roses are the most loved and thought to be the most…romantic.” He hesitated on the last word but he reached out his arm anyway. He didn’t know where he stood with her romantically but he was willing to start all over again if he had to.

Her small smile stretched into a full on grin as she accepted the flowers and took a deep sniff. He saw her shoulders relax and his did in response. Good, this was good. She disappeared into what he assumed was her kitchen and he took it upon himself to take a seat on her couch. Not two minutes later she reemerged with the roses in a too shallow, wide-mouthed vase. They didn’t quite fit right but she grinned as she set it down in front of them on her coffee table.

“They are gorgeous, Spencer, thank you. They look all awkward in this vase because I’ve never received or bought myself flowers before so I don’t really have a vase for them, but I love them just as much.” She rambled. Something pulled inside his chest as he heard her say that she’d never received flowers before. If flowers made her this happy, he’d buy her flowers every chance he got. He made a mental note to look for a vase for her apartment, he’ll definitely be keeping it full for her. The roses reminded her of herself and Spencer, they weren’t supposed to be where they were but somehow they were the best thing she’d ever had.

“I have some news for you,” He began, noting how her attention snapped to him, “Carter’s been arrested and is currently being investigated by the FBI. Multiple women have come forward with testimonies and evidence and it’s only been two days. I’m sure a lot more will emerge. Your evidence is more than enough, but everyone deserves justice. He’s been fired from Princeton of course, and he will never be allowed back on campus. He lawyered up but there’s not much they could do at this point. I am so proud of you for coming forward with this, I know it wasn’t easy.” He smiled encouragingly and she could see the glimmer of pride behind his eyes.

The ongoing feeling of tightness inside her chest eased and she nodded in response, “That’s great to hear. Thanks for that, by the way.” She was thanking him for more than just what happened at the restaurant and she felt like he knew.

“Of course, Y/N. I will always be on your side.” The sincerity in his voice almost made her shiver and they stared at each other for a few weighted moments. He spoke again, “I’m sorry that happened to you, Y/N, and I’m sorry if my reaction in the restaurant scared you at all, I just…kinda lost it. I was so ready to pummel his face for hurting you. I’m not sure what would have happened if you hadn’t stopped me.”

She quickly extended her hand to touch his briefly, “No, Spence, I wasn’t scared of you. I knew you would help me if I came to you. Besides, I felt like what Carter did to me was making me feel trapped and it wasn’t fair to you at all…that’s why I ended things with you.” Her breath caught in her throat slightly at the admission. Spencer smiled at the confirmation that she hadn’t wanted to end it with him just because they’d passed their deadline but didn’t prod any further, if she wanted to take it slow, he’d do just that.

He shifted a little on the couch so he could face her more and cleared his throat slightly, “Are you free next Saturday afternoon by any chance?”

If she were anyone else, he’d be nervous as hell just asking her. But, it wasn’t just anyone, it was her. She exuded equal amounts of passion and comfort and he wanted to bask in everything that she was forever. She paused for a few moments and checked her online calendar just to be absolutely sure; grad school deadlines could creep up on you.

“Would you look at that, I am free.” She confirmed and he grinned bashfully.

“So…” he hesitated, “two of my best friends are getting married the coming Saturday and I was wondering if…well, they told me I had a plus one and I would really like to take you. I’m asking if you’d like to come with me to the wedding.” The hope in his eyes was contagious and Y/N couldn’t hide the grin over his nervousness.

“I would love to.” She enthusiastically agreed, willing to spend whatever time she could get with him. His lips twitched, almost like he didn’t want to smile too hard, but he did anyway.

“Perfect, I’ll pick you up at noon.” Spencer’s cheeks held a pink tinge.

“Sure. Wait, who’s getting married?” Y/N’s curiosity bubbled out of her.

“Luke and Penelope.” He replied fondly.

---

Usually, Spencer would’ve hated to go shopping with all the unnecessarily bright lights and loud music, but he’d insisted on buying Y/N a dress for the wedding. Partly because he wanted to spend more time with her and partly because he enjoyed spoiling her more than he’d like to admit. He wasn’t a big spender anyway, so whatever he bought her wasn’t digging into his bank account by any means. Besides, what was all this adult money for?

Y/N had profusely denied the offer to the point where her cheeks had puffed up from all the blood rushing up to her face, but Spencer was absolutely immovable. She had never met such a stubborn person in her life and reluctantly agreed for the sake of her blood pressure. She kicked herself for mentioning that she didn’t have a dress to wear in front of him.

She smoothed out the fabric over her body as she stood in front of the mirror. She begrudgingly admitted to herself that it was her new favorite dress. The man had good taste and she couldn’t deny that it was flattering in every sense of the word. The color, the fit, the material--goodness it was gorgeous. She felt gorgeous, maybe she should have felt nervous, but she didn’t. She was excited to meet his ex-team members and was even more excited to be his date--date(!!) to the wedding.

The doorbell rang and she raced to open it. He stood there in a black tuxedo complete with an elegant bow tie. The air left his body as he took her in, “You look…” his eyes blinked repeatedly, searching for a word.

“Wow, I can finally say that I’ve made a man with a vocabulary of over 171,000 English words speechless.” She started laughing which made him burst into bashful laughter as well.

“Sorry, you are…alluring, exquisite, stunning, bewitching, pulchritudinous…shall I go on?” He said smugly once he’d regained his train of thought.

“Alright, alright, show off, my ego can only take so much.” She giggled and locked the door behind her. His hands firmly gripped her waist and turned her around to face him. Her breath caught at the sudden proximity.

“You are so beautiful, Y/N. I mean it. Yes, you look divine right now, but you look divine all the time.” He spoke softly, his eyes boring into her soul. Every nerve ending in her body prickled with pleasure at the compliment, the closeness, the cadence of his voice.

“Thank you,” she said breathlessly, one second away from melting into his arms.

One glance down at his lips and immediately she was consumed with thoughts of them.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked gently, just like she had all those weeks ago. A small nod was all she could muster.

She watched his lips turn into a smile before he pressed them to her own fervently. Her hands found a home at the nape of his neck, fingers tangled between the soft locks there. The smell of his fresh cologne engulfed her sense of smell and it was like she couldn’t get enough of him.

This was nothing like their first kiss in the hallway of the humanities building a lifetime ago. That one was tentative, rushed, and urgent. This one was slow, exploratory, and passionate. But more importantly, it was theirs and it was real. They’d finally allowed themselves to yield the vulnerability it required to fall in love--to actually fall in love, not just fake it.

~The End~

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#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #dr spencer reid #professor reid #spencer reid fanfic #Criminal Minds #criminal minds fanfic #8.26.22 :)#goldentournesol's TLH #the love hypothesis #spencer reid x grad student

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goldentournesol · 2 years

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The Love Hypothesis (Eight)

(Spencer Reid x f!Reader)

Series Masterlist

General Masterlist

A/N: this fic is ending soon :( i’m not ready

The words on the small screen bled into each other slowly as she stared at them. Her heart was beating too fast, her throat was working too slow to deal with the rapid drying of her mouth. The short breaths came too quick until her knees couldn’t keep her up anymore. She hit the mattress with a thud, clutching her phone tightly to her chest.

“Y/N/N, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Kira rushed to her side, taking a seat beside her on the bed.

Mark quickly got her a glass of water and she sipped on it. A few moments later, Y/N gathered her scattered sanity and looked at Kira.

“I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to get mad.” She took a deep breath, bracing herself.

“What’s going on? You’re scaring me.” Kira grabbed Y/N’s hand in her own and squeezed it reassuringly.

“None of this is real. Spencer and I aren’t really dating and we aren’t in love.” Y/N said, her voice wobbly.

Kira scoffed, “The hell you aren’t. I’ve seen the way he looks at you and the way you look at him.”

Y/N shook her head, “I uh…I mean, well yes, I may have some...big feelings for him, but none of that was supposed to happen.”

“I don’t understand what you mean. Did you know about this?” Kira glanced at Mark, who stood before them.

“Yes. Okay, here’s the deal. Y/N and Reid aren’t actually dating. They were fake dating because Y/N wanted to convince you that she was over Andrew--which she was never really interested in him anyway, but you wouldn’t believe her. So, she lied and told you that she was dating Reid so that you could finally date Andrew in peace. I’m not sure what Reid’s getting out of it--I forgot to ask.” Mark rambled, explaining what she now realizes is a very ridiculous circumstance. There was a beat of uncomfortable silence while Kira was processing the information.

She very slowly turned to Y/N, “What?” she asked. “You fake dated Spencer Reid? Spencer. Fucking. Reid.”

Y/N cleared her throat and nodded. Kira suddenly burst into laughter, standing and putting her hands on her thighs to brace herself.

“This can’t be real life. No, this is a movie with D-list actors! Or...or a poorly written fanfiction!” She exclaimed.

“I’m sorry I lied to you, Kira…I didn’t think--”

“But you’ve kissed him! In front of the campus coffee shop when he disarmed that student!”

“Only because you forced me to--”

“But you sat in his lap in the lecture hall! And--and tended to his wounds and kissed him again--”

“Again because you forced me to, are we sensing a pattern here or what?”

Kira gulped and shook her head in disbelief, “I can’t believe this…you guys--you just made so much sense together. I thought it was so romantic because he had this reputation of being such a badass FBI agent but in reality he’s a sweetheart and you’re just so shy so I thought I was encouraging you to express your feelings. I never thought--gosh, I feel horrible!”

“Wait, you’re not mad at me?” Y/N said, her eyes big with wonder.

“Mad at you? No, if anything I’m mad at myself for making you do those things.” Kira frowned and pulled her in for a hug, “I do, however, think that this was a misguided, reckless decision on your part and frankly a little idiotic, but you’re my idiot and I love you. I’m truly flattered you’d do that for me. We’ll need to talk about this way more, but for now you still need to tell Reid about what happened with Carter. You were verbally harassed and sexually assaulted and you have audio proof. If the situation were reversed and something happened to Spencer, you’d want to know, right?” She had a point there.

Y/N sighed a deep, guttural sigh and shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. There was no way she could continue this fake relationship with Spencer. Not when it looked like she was sleeping her way up to the top. She was just starting her career in academia--three years is nothing in the long run. She can’t start it like this…no matter how much she loved Spencer. Besides, he doesn’t even need her anymore. His funds were unfrozen and he can start researching. The grant he needed was already there. After explaining to them why Spencer agreed to fake date her, it seemed ridiculous in hindsight.

About a half hour later, Mark and Kira had to leave to attend a talk they were both interested in--Y/N had so much on her mind that it was practically impossible to feign interest in the topic. They didn’t push her to join, thankfully. Despite her loss of appetite, she made sure to eat more of the breakfast that had been sent whenever she started feeling dizzy from her thoughts.

After forcing herself to wash her face and try to look presentable, she went down to the lobby and browsed around the convention. Small tables were lined up with people conducting and presenting all different kinds of research. It was endlessly fascinating what the human brain could come up with and it was such a shame that her spirits were so low. She would have reveled in discussing topics with fellow researchers, no matter how far their interests deviated.

It was relatively easy to kill time until she got the text from Spencer that he’d finished his meetings and rejoiced at the fact that he’d (finally) managed to send her his location without instructions. The location was a quaint restaurant near the hotel he had the meetings at.

A short Uber ride later and there he was, sat at a round table with red cloth and a charming candlelit centerpiece. Her heart squeezed in her chest more with each step she took to follow the host to where he was.

His face broke out into a grin as soon as he saw her, “Hey, you made it.” His smile was blinding and it shattered her.

She halfheartedly smiled when he squeezed her hand in greeting as she took her seat across from him. One squeeze and she pulled away, resorting to hiding her fidgeting hands under the table. If he thought her behavior was strange, his expression didn’t let on.

“How did your meetings go?” She stammered her way through the question, eager to get his attention onto anything else but her.

He shrugged, “Boring, standard meetings with higher-ups. I don’t remember people in academia being so pretentious when I was getting my degrees.” He quipped, the corners of his mouth raising. He seemed to be in a good mood. She hated to be the one to ruin it, so she stalled. They engaged in more small talk, but mostly she focused on trying not to bring the mood down.

But halfway through dinner, Spencer visibly tensed at her reserved behavior. Of course he’d noticed, nothing could get past him. He had let it slide, knowing that the day before had been difficult for her, but nothing he was saying was cheering her up. He couldn’t even get a smile to reach her eyes and it made concern pool in his gut.

After watching her toss a pea back and forth with a fork, he finally asked, “Is everything okay?”

Her heart got caught in her throat and no amount of swallowing could get rid of it, so she nodded and smiled a little. But Spencer, ever the profiler, saw right through her.

“It’s about the funds being released, isn’t it?” He was naively hoping that she’d forget about it--or pretend like it wasn’t a part of their deal. She released a sigh and her shoulders deflated, even if he wasn’t actively reading her body language he could tell that she didn’t want to have to talk about this.

“Our time is up. We made a deal. We both got what we wanted out of this…arrangement.” She was speaking pragmatically, trying her best to remove her feelings from the equation as if that made it any easier. She was made aware of what everyone thought of this relationship, and it was easy to say that people’s opinions of her didn’t matter, but in reality they did. She wanted to succeed in academia because of her hard work. Panic slid its way through her veins as she thought back to yesterday’s events and shivered slightly when she remembered the feeling of Carter’s slimy hands on her.

A certain emotion she couldn’t place passed over Spencer’s face a split second before a mask of indifference took its place, “Right…you’re right.”

His posture stiffened as he recognized the extent to which he’d lost his objectivity. He’d fallen for this woman. Hard. And now she was pretending like none of what they’ve been through ever mattered. He couldn’t show his emotions, but something deep, deep down in his gut felt off. His gut was always right. She wasn’t being genuine, her tells were too obvious but he didn’t push.

“I think it’s time we…uh, ‘break up’, which is a weird thing to say considering we were never actually together. But yeah, people will stop seeing us together and they’ll eventually think that things didn’t work out and there will be something new they can gossip about,” She shrugged like it was no big deal, but her shaking leg under the table told him otherwise. Spencer cast a cursory glance over the restaurant just to check that no one was using her to mess with him, just out of habit, and he found nothing.

“I’m so, so happy for you for finally being able to research non-pharmacological treatments methods for schizophrenia. And I want to thank you, for all you’ve done for me. All the dinners, the coffees, the moral support…” she paused, her eyes stinging and welling up with tears, “and just in general, everything. Thank you and I’m sorry. I really have to go right now.” She picked up a tissue from the table because she would unfurl into a sobbing mess as soon as she stepped foot outside the restaurant.

“Y/N,” he said softly, concern growing more in his chest with each second, “if you need anything, really, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I will always be there for you.” He reminded her softly.

On her way out, she selfishly tipped his head up to her new height and allowed their lips to meet for a few seconds. One last kiss. Before she left the man who owned her heart in the middle of a restaurant in a strange city.

---

Spencer never came back to the hotel she was staying at, where the convention was being held. She didn’t know for sure, but she assumed he’d stayed at the hotel where his meetings were held. Today was the last day in Boston, it had been exactly two days since she’d broken up with Spencer. Her days consisted of alternating between crying and convincing herself she was okay enough to converse with other humans. She thankfully didn’t have to stay far from home for much longer, but the overwhelming sadness was becoming too much to bear.

“You don’t look too good,” Kira said, affectionately grabbing her shoulder after she had spent the last 10 minutes conversing with another grad student from Oxford University at one of the many tables in the conference hall. Their research was similar and the other student offered some insight on what research was like in the UK and if it was any different. At least that’s what Y/N had caught from the conversation. She’d been living inside her own head and on her face was a permanent stony expression.

Y/N shook her head and whispered, “I-I can’t do this, I’m sorry. I thought I could try and be normal but I can’t.” Kira’s face crumpled in sympathy, but she didn’t want that anymore. All she wanted was completely off limits.

Devastation was hard to explain to someone who hasn’t felt it the way you have. Sure, everyone’s experienced some sort of it, but none like your own. Y/N’s devastation was unique only to her. Her annihilation was of her own doing, which only ruined her further. She could only helplessly follow Kira as she led her outside to a quiet courtyard. There was the sound of the soothing trickling of water from the fountain before them.

“Talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.” Kira spoke softly as Y/N gripped the bench where they were sitting.

She took a shaky breath, “I feel…I feel like I can’t breathe right. I feel like I want to cry. I feel like I might never be happy in another relationship after him. I feel like I will never stop wanting to be with him. And…I can’t help but feel like breaking up with him was the worst thing I could have done.” A small sob escaped her as she confessed. She expected to feel lighter, but she didn’t.

“Keep going.” Kira prompted with a nod. She was always a good listener. Y/N’s fingertips hurt from gripping the bench so hard.

“I feel like some moments between us were real. At first it all began as a ruse to fool you and to fool the board. And it was so awkward at the beginning, believe me. But afterwards, it all came naturally. Being with him felt so natural, kind of how you don’t even think of breathing…it just happens. It just happened with Spencer. I didn’t have to think about it anymore. Eventually, I was kissing him because I wanted to, not because I wanted anyone to see us kissing. I wanted to hold his hand,” she choked on another small sob, “I wanted him to hug me. I wanted to tell him stupid little jokes to see his eyes roll before he’d counter with an even stupid-er joke. God--sorry, that’s so cheesy.” She hastily wiped her tear striped cheeks with the backs of her hands before tilting her head up to the sky and focusing on her breathing.

“Don’t be sorry, Y/N/N. You’re heartbroken and in love. You deserve to want those things, you deserve to have them.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever love anyone the same way again.” Y/N confessed, the tears leaking out like a faucet at this point, gravity taking them into her hairline as she rested her head against the back of the bench.

“What if you don’t have to?” Kira asked.

“What do you mean?” Y/N sniffled.

“What if you don’t have to love anyone else? Why’d you break up with him? How do you know he doesn’t feel the same way?” Kira’s questions felt like they were on their way to open a can of feelings she didn't really want to open. Y/N hesitated to answer before she sat upright and stared off into the distance.

“You don’t understand, if he doesn’t feel the same way, I would be beyond devastated. I’m just protecting myself. I don’t want to be the student that slept her way to the top. I want to earn it. And I feel so shaken up over the whole thing with Carter.” She explained, mostly to herself than to Kira.

“I get that, hun, what happened absolutely sucks, but you’re devastated now. How protected do you feel?” Kira asked and it felt like a jab in Y/N’s side, enough to make her chuckle a bit.

“Not at all.” She huffed in response.

“What did he say to you when you broke it off?”

“He…he told me that he would be there for me no matter what. And that I could always reach out to him.” Thankfully the tears have stopped, but the heaviness in her chest remained.

“Alright, let’s look at it from a different angle. The man has what--two PhD’s?”

“Three…and two BA’s.” Y/N provided.

“Okay, so we know he’s a scientist and scientists value proof. What else was he? An FBI agent. Not just any FBI agent, no. He was part of the BAU. You know, the people who analyze behavior for a living?? He has like over 15 years of experience in the FBI, you know what that means? It means he values justice. And we know he cares about you, enough to insist that if you ever needed him you could reach out. Guess what, Y/N? You need him.”

Y/N shook her head, “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“I mean you need to tell him about what went down with Carter. You have hard evidence. You’ll feel less guilty over what happened and he’ll be able to help. Who’s better to have by your side?” She reasoned.

She was right, Y/N knew it. But she was still so ashamed and felt so guilty that those thoughts overrode anything else. Exhaling heavily and bouncing her knee, she ran through what would happen if and when she told him.

“You’re right, but…I don’t even know where he is--if he’s here or if he’s back in DC. I can’t exactly just call him up and ask him where he is.” Y/N moved onto the next phase of fidgeting and started picking at her nails.

“Well…does he use an online calendar or something?” Kira asked and Y/N shook her head.

“No, he doesn’t really need reminders for events. Although he can be a little bit scatterbrained at times, it wouldn’t hurt to use a calendar.” Y/N nervously rambled.

“You know who might have his location?” Y/N looked at Kira curiously, “Remember when I helped out this redhead, Kristen, track down a bunch of participants for her to interview in like our first year of grad school? Yeah, she’s the secretary of the psych department’s chair now and should know about the professors’ schedules. She owes me one. I can cash it in right now.” Kira raised her brows in an offer.

“You would do that for me?” Y/N stared at her.

“Please, you fake dated a professor and fell in love with him by accident for me, it’s the least I could do.” She laughed slightly, already tapping away at her phone.

A short phone call with Kristen later and a few minutes where they allowed her to check for any emails or reminders from Spencer and his location was sent.

He was at a dinner with a few professors from Princeton. And she absolutely had to go see him before she lost any steam.

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