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captainnameless · 4 days

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ok but that “hey” vid from Max/GP that you reposted has me in my feels. I love sweet angel Max and his softness but I also love absolute brat Max and I feel like we haven’t spoken about him in a bit.

Any thoughts on that? Preferably no nonsense GP reeling him back in?

GP should have known it would be a challenging day when Daniel sheepishly handed Max over at the RB garage today.

Max’s brows furrowed in a stroppy frown, Daniel pushing an overfilled bag into GP’s arms. “Leo’s in there too.” Daniel offers, shoots GP his trademark grin before pressing two quick kisses to Max’s head.

“Be a good boy. Make good choices. I love you.” Daniel says, unaffected by Max squirming away from the kisses and pressing a final one to his nose for good measure.

“Short night, didn’t finish his breakfast. Good luck today. Sorry we’re late.” He adds before he’s rushing out the garage.

A mechanical failure before FP2 doesn’t help, especially when it means Max can’t partake in the session leaving him even more grumpy.

He’s stomping around in little socked feet, tight shoes already kicked off and discarded somewhere while he’s distracting the engineers. GP’s trying to keep an eye on him, while simultaneously getting as much data from their only other running car. He quickly realizes that’s not going to be working and excuses himself to go deal with Max.

“Let’s go.” GP says, startling Max as he puts a hand on his shoulder, earning himself a sour pout.

“Where?”

“To your room, we can have a bit of quiet time.”

The pouts sours even more. “No nap!”

GP suppresses a sigh, he’d specifically avoided the word nap even though he knows there’s nothing more Max would benefit from right now than said nap, however convincing the little of that would be more difficult.

“Come on,” GP says hand going from Max’s shoulder to his bicep to move him along so they can move the somewhat imminent tantrum somewhere more private. “Let’s go find Leo.”

Max tries to dig his heels in, but the socked feet leave little to no grip as GP’s pulling him out into the hallway, starts sputtering his protests while trying to pluck GP’s fingers off his arm, pinching GP’s hand. “No! No no no no.”

“Max,” GP warns, unfaltering in his pace but turning to look at Max briefly. “Stop that, please.”

Unfortunately, Max’s drivers room is locked, GP has a key for emergencies but taking his hand off of Max proves to be a mistake when the younger takes that opportunity to bolt.

“Max!” GP groans, unlocking the door before taking off after his little escape artist, once again helped by Max’s socked feet and a clearly regressed Max unable to navigate their slipperiness.

Max goes up and over his shoulder despite the protest that start up the second GP gets his hands on him and the engineer cringers inwardly at the scene that’s creating, making quick work of getting them into the private room, praying for semi sound proof walls.

The squirming boy over his shoulder gets put down in front of him and GP gently puts his hands on both of Max’s shoulders to keep him in place. “GP’s gonna give you two options. Either you sit your bum down on the couch or you’ll sit your bum down facing the wall if you need to calm down some more. Which one, buddy?”

“You can’t put my bum anywhere!” Max argues back, jaw set and square, defiance written over his face just like when he doesn’t get his way.

GP raises his eyebrows, unimpressed expression taking over his face as he watches Max’s expression change. Max calls it his “uh-oh face” which would be cute (it is) if it weren’t that GP’s uh oh face only comes out when Max is pushing his luck.

“Couch.” Max whines when GP’s expression doesn’t change and GP lets go of his shoulders so Max can stomp his way over to the couch.

GP takes a breath before he goes for the overstuffed backpack, barely getting the zipper open before he’s emptying its contents, eyes landing on a fruit pouch.

“Do you want a snack?” GP asks, holding out the pouch, watching Max reach out for it and feeling content he seems to have found something that isn’t answered with protest.

The contentment lasts mere seconds when Max takes a closer look at the pouch and throws it to the other side of the room. “Yuck.”

“Max Emilian.” GP scolds, getting back up and grabbing Max’s arm, getting the younger up and off the couch before marching him right up to the thrown pouch. “Pick that up.”

Max’s eyes are quickly filling with tears, reaching down to pick it back up and holding it out to GP as he bites back a sob.

“That’s a better decision, buddy.” GP soothes, taking the pouch from Max before walking him over to the discarded back, starting to pull Max’s arms out of the sleeves of the race suit Max still has on.

“Noooo.” That pulls the first sob from the younger, dejectedly allowing GP to move both of his arms out of the uncomfortable material.

GP knows Max knows this is the first step for nap time, but he needs to get through these steps as quickly as possible to be able to get the little guy some comfort.

“I know, bud.” GP soothes, pushing the suit down his hips and helping him step out of it. “That’s a good boy, look at you.”

Despite the praise it earns him another sob, and with the suit off of Max’s body GP reaches for the joggers Daniel’s packed, pulling out Leo with it and offering him to Max.

The plush gets snatched up and Max’s buries his wet face into it while GP gently lifts Max’s feet one at a time before pulling them up over his bum before snatching a blanket up and moving both him and Max over to the couch.

Luckily Max goes easier than before, GP cradling Max into his lap sideways while his legs curl up partially onto the couch, struggling for space as his thumb finds his mouth and he tries fitting himself and Leo into GP’s chest.

GP drapes the blanket over Max, wrapping his arms around him and gently shushing the audibly upset little, pressing a soft kiss to Max’s head. “That’s it. You’re ok. Where’s my good boy, hm?”

It’s a minute or two before Max’s breathing calms down and the tears lessen, exhaustion clear on his face when he looks up at GP. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” GP soothes, brushing at Max’s cheeks. “Thank you for apologizing. You’re ok.”

It lessens some left over tension in Max’s shoulders as he buries back into GP’s chest, the elder gently patting Max’s hair. “Nap doesn’t sound too bad now, does it?”

Max shakes his head, squeezing himself closer patting at GP’s chest. “Love.”

GP lets out a soft sigh, squeezing back. “Love you too.”

#littlef1adventures #lf1a.minific

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magnuficent76 · 1 year

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Couldn't help but read your fav oc rb game and like "Hey man how did you unleash the void on the world. And could you not do that please" HSHFHSGD I'm paraphrasing but the way you worded that stuff was so funny. Imagine being so fucking pissed you ruin the world and gods have to be like "No. Detention. Angry baby jail for you" haha

AHDAJFJ IM GLAD YOU LIKED THAT !! Honestly thats the best way I could explain Luis' lore in few words, but its also literally what happened

Luis' very existence is straight up an anomaly, not even Solaris really understands his ass, because he straight up doesn't fucking die !! Solaris could ask death hey man. When's this fucking guy gonna get off our back. And deaths like mmm yeah he's not due yet. Im not even really sure when he is ever gonna be due. Ever. We're just gonna have to wait and see. All because this dipshit somehow convinced the Void that he's cool enough to be a vessel for it.

Like, for reference, even gods die one day because their existence js limited to their element, once their element stops existing they just kinda slowly dissipate. Easy to understand, fade away and stop existing once you're just not known anymore, concepts just gotta stop existing someday right ? For mortals it's kinda similar- once they die, they get reincarnated into a new body, your soul's basically the same after you get reaped, your memories just get kinda wiped off. You get a good run on the mortal realm, you die, and then you can either do it again or go some other place. Nice and simple.

Luis disagrees with this whole thing, and so instead of just letting his soul be reaped away, he decides instead to be a dipshit and eat his own fucking soul, basically absorbing it forever WITH HIS MEMORIES. This caused the Death dimension to glitch out so bad that it opened a portal to the void. He bypasses every security measure set on the Death realm BY JUST. EXISTING SLIGHTLY OFF THE MAP.

His soul is bound to his body the same way god souls are, and the void acts like duct tape so that it doesn't go everywhere whenever he gets injured or something. He's being held together by duct tape, and PURE, UNADULTERATED RAGE

The gods eventually have enough of his shit and send him to another dimensions, and they also kinda throw a lot more responsibility for him to handle, kinda like keeping a baby occupied with an iPad, adult edition

#my oc stuff #magocs #solar years #original character #oc: luis #it was like 'you know what? fuck you #You're very mean to us gods #and now you're gonna pay for it'#and they made him a fucking dad

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no-one-hears-me · 4 years

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thinkin about how I used to weigh 50 pounds

#ok to rb #I weigh over twice that now. fuck #almost halfway to thrice that #I wish I was skinny again #and I don't know my height anymore I think I've grown #or I'm growing now. no idea #I think I'm like 5'7???? but I might grow so I could eventually be 5'8??#that seems too tall idk #but my point is that I don't have a good reference point for a good weight without knowing my height #gonna wait a bit and try a measurement to see #Sera

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bunny-xoxo · 3 years

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JJK when they want attention

warning(s): none !

a/n: just smth sweet rq by my mf baby 🥳!! Hope you guys like hehehehe

characters: yuuji, megumi, gojo, nanami, inumaki, nobara, & maki

Yuuji

Has literally no problem being bold faced about it I PROMISE. If he’s feeling cuddly and clingy and you guys are alone he’s whining and clinging onto you, doing any and everything in his power to convince you to come nap with him or cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. If you’re in public he has a ~method (which he definitely thinks is a total secret and he’s a genius mastermind but you’re 100% onto him and just thinks he’s so cute so you give in most of the time).

He’ll come up behind you, even if you’re taller than him, and hug you super tight around your midsection, mumbling about how tired he is and, oh gosh, how warm it would probably be under the covers if the two of you were cuddling right now. And, man, I don’t know, napping? When you giggle and give in he gets so giddy and holds your hand super tight all the way home.

Sometimes though he just wants your attention and praise so he’ll talk about things he did that day that he thinks you might be proud of him for 😭 and every time you say anything along the lines of “good job” or show your interest he gets so happy and lights up :)

Megumi

Megumi is a starer sorry not sorry LOL. You’ll even be alone, in your own shared home, and you’ll feel a pair of eyes staring at you from the other end of the couch and when you turn your head to ask what’s up he’s looking away super fast hoping you didn’t notice, as if him not so secretly turning his head away from you doesn’t give it away. He just feels so weird asking for your attention - and not just cause he’s shy but he gets all in his head about it.

He doesn’t want to seem weird asking you for attention, maybe you’re not in the mood. What if it makes you uncomfortable? What if you feel like you have to say yes? Or what if you say no and it’s awkward? How would he even ask for attention? He’s just generally an over thinker and slightly embarrassed over how much he just wants you to pay attention to him.

Over the course of your relationship though you’ve picked up on his little signs and have learned how to coerce him into letting you know what he wants, as well as giving him attention when he needs it.

Ask him a few questions about anything and through the course of the conversation you’ve somehow brought his head to your lap and are now playing with his hair until he passes out, and he’s in heaven <3

He’s very lucky to have such an attentive s/o :)!

Gojo

A WHINER. A LOUD BABY WHINER. He’ll often opt for making inappropriate comments too - even if you’re in public - to make it seem like ~that’s the reason he wants you in bed, but then he’s suddenly “super tired” and thinks cuddling is a better idea instead. Why he just can’t tell you he’s in the mood for cuddling you never know

He will blow your notifs up and not give af 😭 texting you endlessly like

(y/n)

I miss you :(

(y/n)

HELLOOOOO

[1 photo attachment]

it’s my penis 😜

14 missed FaceTime calls from “gojo.”

I’m sorry I’m joking it’s not my penis don’t be mad :(

It’s actually not his penis

If you do answer one of his spontaneous calls though it’s just him smiling at the phone like “whatcha doingggg?” Cause he misses you and your face

He also is constantly sending you things while he’s away with work, postcards, gifts, treats, you name it. You cant blame him for missing you sm :(

And when he does get home from a trip he’s actually a bit quieter, looking forward to just wrapping you up in his arms and cuddling with you until you fall asleep. But he makes sure to stay awake so he can look at your face and think about how cute you look sleeping and probably drooling a little <3

Nanami

No words, just sighs and hands. This was particularly common when he still had his boring office job - although now with gojo he just has to give you a look when he gets home that says, “this man is gonna kill me, please just hold me.”

He’s most clingy and cuddly when he’s tired/fatigued. It’s so easy for you to coerce him to bed or to relax when he’s visibly drained cause all it takes is some quick work of your hands on his sore muscles or running through his hair, or better yet undoing his tie for him, and he’s putty in your hands. He always watches so intently too when you take the time to take off his suit jacket and tie for him, even going so far as to unbutton his shirt. You know it’s been a long day when he lets you do this and after he’s decided he’s stared at you and basked in you long enough, he grabs your cheeks and leaves you a sweet sensual kiss. He always sighs deeply and then pulls you into a hug, every once in a while you even hear him mumble about how lucky he is.

If he ever just wants your attention though he kind of makes a fussy show about it 🤭 I’m talking sighing periodically and staring at you and once you look at him like ,, yes? He starts asking you random questions about your day or just in general. He just wants you to look at him and talk to him ok?

Inumaki

Ok he’s a very different person depending on whether you’re in public or in private:

In public it’s a lot more subtle cues. Like fidgeting with your hands a lot, tugging on your clothes even or sometimes staring at you really trying to work up the puppy dog act like :( cuddles please?? Or if you’re sitting down somewhere maybe he’ll rest his head on his shoulder to really signal to you he’s feeling cuddly. There was only one time where he had to take drastic measures and text you cause you just were NOT taking the hint.

You were busy listening to Yuuji and rambling back and forth with him when your phone suddenly went off and it was a text from Toge that just said “🤨 give me 10 reasons why I don’t have you in bed right now cuddling with me.😐 since when did yuuji talking about dogs suddenly become so interesting 🧐?” LIKE ABSJAJSJAA

In private it’s a very similar attitude at times he’s just physically more bold. Like he’s not above picking you up and carrying you somewhere he can hold you and kiss all over your cheeks <3 he’s a little less bratty about it when it comes to you two cause he knows you want affection just as much as he does at those times :) although he thinks making a show of things is very funny to him

Nobara

Her favorite form of affection and attention from you is lowkey head pats or when you ruffle her hair. It all started when she did some trivial thing and as a joke you reached your hand over to ruffle her hair and tell her how good of a job she did, and sure it was funny but man what she wouldn’t give to have you do that again.

So now she often finds herself babbling on to you about all the things she’s done recently that she’s proud of when she wants your attention, hoping you’ll praise her again in any way. She especially loves when it’s unexpected though, when she’s not fishing for praise and she just gets it. Or rather any kind of compliment really. Something about it makes her heart soar <3

She also really likes when you do her makeup so she’ll often ask you to try things on her or to even do your makeup <3 even if you’re just playing around, it feels so soothing and she loves getting to stare at you so close I love her I gtg

Maki

She likes to pester when she’s feeling clingy. Checks in with you and any responsibilities you may have so she can immerse herself in them with you and just work on things with you :) like no matter what it is she’ll find a way to get herself involved 😭 she really just wants extra quality time with you and will find any way to do it without seeming too ~mushy, mushy just isn’t really her thing

When she wants to cuddle though she’ll try to trick you into thinking you need rest HSKJJAJA

“You seem tired, why don’t you rest. I’ll help you fall asleep.”

“Hmm you look pretty sore. I’ll go run you a bath, sit and wait here.”

Acts of service anyone?

Also, praise is actually kind of important from you, she never really received it much growing up having dealt with her family, and doesn’t feel like she needs it to feel proud of herself. But something about hearing you praise her over even the tiniest things has her feeling some type of way every single time.

Y’all just love and cherish each other what can I say <3

Pls leave comments, flood my inbox, Rb, whatever u prefer I just love hearing your kind words :D love and miss these fools 😪 and as always I really hope you guys enjoyed my first jjk piece :)!

taglist: @plutowrites @aracynthos

if you wanna be added to any taglist just ask!

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lemony-snickers · 2 years

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I ship one of the pairings you have mentioned but I only do it when they are fully adults and have rarely read anything nsfw for them and I don’t talk about them on my blog. Would that still be okay or am I going to be blocked? I don’t want to lose our friendship ☹️

hey there, anon.

let's dig into this a little bit (i hope you don't mind) because i actually have some very conflicted thoughts on this.

student/sensei ships make me deeply uncomfortable, as i've said. that's a period. full stop. i do not care what age they are; they met when one person was a fully matured adult and the other was a child. that's gonna be a hard pass for me, regardless.

what i will say is, depending on who this is, i might actually already know your identity because i know i interact with a few people who ship at least one of these things on a semi-regular basis. it's almost unavoidable in this fandom, which is probably why i spent a decade just not interacting with a single other soul in the naruto community, lol.

in the end, i do fully agree that people should be allowed to ship what they want. these are make-believe, 2-dimensional characters from a cartoon. i get that. so it's on me to make sure i'm not interacting with content that makes me uncomfortable.

to do that, before i follow anyone (or follow them back), i scroll through their blog for posts related to these ships. if i see even one, i will not follow. (this goes for ao3 accounts, too; if your bookmarks are public, i will look at them and make my decision based on that information.) same for fanart; i won't even rb stuff if i know the person who creates it ships one of these things simply because i want to keep it as far out of my orbit as possible.

because based on my own personal history & experiences, these things can really upturn my entire day. even seeing the ship name sends this visceral reaction through my body (oh, hey my mostly ignored ptsd, nice to see you again!).

as such, i will often block on sight blogs that are recommended to me by tumblr's lame-ass algorithm if they are blogs dedicated to these types of ships and have zero remorse about it. i also recently blocked someone who writes solely for one of these ships because they reblogged some of my content. i felt really badly about it for, like, an entire night. i don't like blocking people. i don't enjoy that these things have such a measurable impact on my well-being.

but we each have to decide where our comforts and discomforts lie and prioritize that. because if we don't, who tf else will?

so what i am going to say is: if you keep that shit off my blog, we can probably be cool for the most part. i'm never gonna follow your, and i hope you will understand and respect that decision.

but as i said in that recent post, if anyone who i know ships one of these things spreads any team 7-specific content i have created, that's a hard no. you want to reblog my smutty kakashi/reader fics? that's fine. (unless someone were to tag it with a ship name in which case, like, why? there is so much content for those ships everywhere, please leave me out of it.)

just, please, understand there are reasons these ships are so upsetting to me. just as i'd never push anyone to accept something i shipped & they didn't, and i would never expect anyone who is uncomfortable with reader-insert smut to interact with my page, i hope others will see where i'm coming from even if we disagree on ships.

i hope that helps. sorry it's so long; this has been eating at me for a while, tbh. i hope you are having a good day. <3

#ask #and answered #tw discourse #tw shipping #lemony overshares #lemony crumbles #even if it's only mostly alluded to you can probably figure shit out from context lol

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zeldas-cigarette-holder · 3 years

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Ahh, your headcanons! <33 Thank you for sharing them. I was wondering (after reading that one about Zelda unexpectedly finding herself somewhat dreaming about the idea of having children with Faustus) if you have any headcanons of that actually happening? Spellwood or, with a little help of a bit of magic or something, Madam Spellman?

Thank you!

I’ve planned on writing a fic that ties into both of these sets, but for now have some headcanons! Gonna stick these under a read more & two separate categories because this got long and also make their own separate posts if people wanna save/rb just one pairing! xx

Spellwood + a baby(ies)

- Where their relationship is concerned, everything is measured out and carefully calculated — it’s just the way they are. While I’m not entirely sure how witch birth control works, I’m sure she’s extremely diligent about her medication, potions, whatever it may be — she’s not the sort of person to have any sort of accidents, especially those she can control. Zelda hides her careful planning, weighs out every pro and con before even considering bringing it up to him.

- When she does decide to bring it up to him, she has a piece of scrap paper with unintelligible scribbles all over it and the sheer look on her face, her hands trembling holding her little scrap of wobbly, folded a million times piece of paper makes Faustus chuckle. She takes it as a bad response, retreats into herself and decides to table it — he mustn’t be too interested anyways, life is good with Leticia and Judas, Ambrose and Sabrina, why would they change anything?

- Faustus knows something is bothering her, and she blatantly lies through her teeth every time he asks. It only serves to frustrate him more, and drives him to tangle with sex demons at Dorian’s Gray Room. When she catches him (because she always will), she’s absolutely devastated because she has the same crumpled paper of pros and cons in her hand, tosses it at him and storms away before she lets the tears fall. It isn’t that she feels like he’s cheating on her, it’s the fact that she feels like he couldn’t have one serious conversation with her (because she sucks at feelings and would never actively start the conversation).

- She’s hurt, and it takes her a long time to come back from that sort of hurt. It’s the kind that makes her ache for a future lost even though she never tried to actively discuss it. But she’s stubborn, and she knows that he knows and it somehow makes her feel worse. He knows the deepest maternal desire she tried to hide for centuries and she isn’t quite sure how she feels about it.

- Of course she wants kids with him, and he feels so stupid that he didn’t realize sooner. She’s always been so maternal, such a good natured person (though a bit brash and irrational at times). Faustus knows he fucked up, carries around the tattered paper with him tucked in his pocket and it feels like lead. Her scratched out writing with little doodles of hearts is enough to melt his heart, and he knows just how lucky he is that she even allowed herself a moment to fantasize about a family with him.

- Faustus seeks out Hilda for help because she is the only person (other than him) that Zelda has ever divulged anything remotely personal to. She isn’t happy with him — especially not when he recounts how she threw the paper at him, though he suspects she’s known for a while by the way she raises her eyebrow — but she does try to help him, but she’s adamant that she won’t do it for him. She reminds him of how Zelda is, how she feels things with her entire heart and soul, and that she’s probably embarrassed that she felt shut down.

- It takes Faustus a few torturous days to think of what to do to make it up to her — to bring the conversation to the table again — and every passing day feels worse. She’s not talking to him, turns the other way when he comes to bed, and he pretends he doesn’t see the mascara streaked down her face. He settles on making his own list of pros and cons — his side of cons is much shorter than hers, and he knows she’ll think it’s because he’s irrational — leaves it on her desk tied with a ribbon, a box of truffles, and a fresh bouquet of white roses.

- Zelda doesn’t acknowledge it for a few days, needs her time to go over his list in comparison to her own because she’s nothing if not careful and methodical in everything she does. She sleeps at the mortuary and it’s torture — she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep since before he found her list — and she realizes that after all this time, she can’t sleep without his stupid snoring in her ear, her head nestled in the crook of his neck. What finally makes her crack is when the sun is rising and she hadn’t slept for the third night in a row, and she knows she needs him regardless of everything else.

- She slips into their bed and curls against his sleeping body and satan, it feels like everything good in the world — he feels like coming home, smells like all of her favorite scents, feels so strong and safe — and she’s suddenly sobbing into his chest without restraint. Faustus wakes enough to rub her back and let her cry it out — knows she won’t be able to speak past the knot in her throat until she lets out all of that pent up emotion, knows the tears aren’t all because of the situation — and presses gentle kisses to her hair when she’s finally out of tears and sniveling herself to sleep in his arms.

- They don’t get a chance to sit and talk until the next evening, and it’s torturous for them both. They’re both rational and mostly level-headed, and knowing there’s so much to say but no time or privacy to say it is the worst part. She works later than him, despite him being the High Priest, and he takes the opportunity to make her a nice dinner with her favorite aged bourbon and fresh flowers.

- There’s a secret smile when she sits down and picks up her glass — tells him that would be the last bottle of bourbon she drinks for a while. He’s not sure it’s an answer so much as a joke, cocks his head in confusion over the way she laughs at some joke he doesn’t entirely understand, but Zelda has always been an enigma in and of herself.

- Zelda, in true Zelda-like fashion, isn’t completely sure — even when the answer from both of them is a yes. She needs time to roll it around in her head, to decide if it’s something she truly wants. She’s afraid to bring it up again — afraid that she took too long and will be shut down — but she lets herself sink into that secret fantasy of having a true family, growing his child. She contemplates going about it irresponsibly, not taking her birth control and being a little reckless, but ultimately decides against it. She isn’t the same level of desperate as she was when she stole saved Leticia, she wouldn’t dare betray his trust again.

- When Zelda finally lets it slip that yes, she wants his child more than anything, it’s in the throes of passion and he thinks she’s joking. It’s a rare instance in which they’re making love, not fucking, and he’s whispering in her ear — crooning about how perfect she is, how perfect their life is, how he can’t wait to spend the rest of his earthly life with her. She’s sure, knows that she can’t imagine anything but this perfect life with him, and tells him to cum inside of her, to get her pregnant.

- He doesn’t believe her at first, but she’s so earnest and trusting with wide, sparkling eyes and this passion and he knows, he knows she’s sure. They spend the rest of the night making a baby in various positions. It’s a lighthearted they haven’t experienced in ages, and Zelda can’t help but fall a little more in love with him.

- When she’s finally pregnant, after what felt like months and months of trying, she’s filled with some sort of renewed hope she didn’t know she needed. She has to refrain from running to him with the positive test, wants to make sure everything is okay first.

- She doubts a lot — her body, her mind, her ability to be a good mother, the fact that she’s even pregnant to begin with — but it’s easier when he knows. It brings a softer side to their relationship, not the same biting remarks and constant teasing they’re both used to. He’s good to her — sweet and everything she needs — and she almost feels guilty when she snaps because he forgot to get her a snack or a drink.

- It turns out twins run in Faustus’ family. Zelda wishes she knew before she got pregnant, though she wouldn’t change a single thing — is finally blissfully happy.

Madam Spellman + a baby

- It takes Zelda a long time to even be open to discussing getting pregnant, after everything that happened with Faustus, Leticia, baby Judas, and Sabrina’s raising. There are variables to consider, and she’s very cautious and careful about everything she does. She trusts Lilith with her entire soul and being — trusts Lilith so much it scares her — but she trusted Faustus too and that makes it even worse, knowing that at any point she could betray her the same way he did.

- Their relationship develops after Sabrina’s death, and though it’s been years by the time they’re married and ready to settle down, the wounds are still there. It’s something Lilith brings up in passing while rubbing Zelda’s feet on the lounge while drinking and enjoying the rare free time they got, and Zelda finds herself more and more open to the idea of a child — especially with Lilith.

- Lilith is good and sweet and kind and everything Zelda wants to spend the rest of her life with — Satan, she married her after she swore to never marry again — but the idea of children together is quite honestly terrifying. This is still the same Lilith who killed baby Adam, though it was for good reason, and she’s still the same Zelda who stole saved baby Leticia only to pass her along to Dezmelda.

- The wounds from Sabrina’s passing are too raw for them to consider it seriously for years, but Lilith likes to remind Zelda that they have time. Still, it’s like things never get truly better. Zelda grieves her daughter, and Lilith grieves just the same for that maternal relationship she developed with Sabrina. She loved her so much it hurt, despite every single horrible thing she had done and regrets so deeply that it keeps her up at night

- In true Sabrina fashion, she is the catalyst for almost everything in Lilith and Zelda’s relationship, and a child is no different.

- They had tried to summon her several times over the years, to call on her in any way they could — witching board, seance, trying to reach into that in between and pull her out — but nothing ever seemed to work. They never gave up hope, and when she does come to them it’s with her blessing to move on, to move past their hang ups relating to her, to be happy and start the family they’ve both always wanted.

- It’s easier said than done, and there’s still so much hesitation. Would the universe truly give them happiness after everything they had been through? It takes lots of long conversations and tears — so many tears for everything they had sacrificed, everyone they had lost, and everyone they had loved — before they come to the decision that they would try for a baby, they’d allow themselves the shred of happiness they had always wanted.

- There’s still so much to consider for Zelda and Lilith just doesn’t understand why. She feels everything with her whole heart and she’s impulsive, falls in love with ideas and follows through before thinking of the practicality behind it. It’s how she ends up in so many tricky situations — rash ideas and passionate thoughts fueled by love or self preservation— but Zelda is rational and collected even with the most passionate subjects, she needs to think of every possible outcome.

- Zelda is the one with hard limits and ultimatums, especially because of Sabrina. She blames the entirety of Sabrina’s death on the fact that she was a gift from Lucifer Morningstar combined with her being half mortal. It makes choosing a donor for their baby so difficult, and it makes choosing who would carry even more difficult. It causes arguments that end with both of them in tears because Zelda is so scared and Lilith doesn’t want to think of every single bad thing that could potentially not even happen.

- When they finally come to some semblance of a decision, they settle on the fact that Zelda would carry for a multitude of reasons. She had never carried her own child, she wasn’t of divine origin, it was the safest bet.

- Deciding on a donor was even harder. Zelda originally wanted to use Dr. Cee, because she was comfortable with him and could have some fun out of it, but he was ordinarily mortal (given the gift of immortality by Lilith, because she knew how much he meant to Hilda) and they were terrified of having a half mortal, half witch child. Faustus was another option presented by Lilith, but she didn’t want the first thing to do with him, nor a child of his origin. Several handsome demons from hell were also mentioned, though Zelda was adamantly against those as well. Lilith thinks she’s being purposely combative, it stirs up a lot of feelings in them that are hard to push past. They flip through the people that they’d feel comfortable with using and no one seems quite right. It puts them at an impasse for several months. No one is good enough, and they won’t compromise in either direction — it leads them to spend ages looking over ancient textbooks for an answer that would seemingly never come.

- There was one option they hadn’t considered — Melvin — and when Lilith suggests it, Zelda balks at her. But it’s a viable option, albeit uncomfortable, and they decide that he would be a suitable donor for their baby. Their coven is mostly females, and he’s one of the only sane options.

- Zelda is adamant on legally binding contracts signed by all before anything can be put into motion, because having a sense of solution and finality on the situation is scary for her, and Lilith is — again — unsure as to why it even matters. That’s the hard thing about being married to Zelda, she can’t believe the good in Lilith even though she’s proven time and time again that her anxieties are rooted in a past with someone who was much worse than her. It’s another point of conflict, and it stirs up a lot of passionate tears. Zelda cries because Faustus loved her and he still ripped everything away from her — the children she loved, the home they shared — because she was suddenly unworthy and Lilith cries because she thinks Zelda doesn’t trust her.

- In the end, Lilith decides that it’s only fair to agree to the contracts Zelda is so adamant about. It makes sense when she thinks about it, but she loathes to admit it. Melvin can’t have any rights — nor does Zelda want to think about him as the father, but it’s better than not knowing who it is — Zelda and Lilith have equal rights. The thought makes Zelda smile this sad, watery twitch of her lips that breaks Lilith’s heart, and she realizes that every child Zelda had ever dared let herself love was brutally ripped from her. After Zelda falls asleep that night, once the contracts were signed by all, Lilith excuses herself to the porch and cries openly and unabashedly — she cries for Zelda’s losses, for her own losses, for the pain and anguish and unbearable pasts they both had — and she finds Zelda sitting at the kitchen table with a tear streaked face when she finally gathers herself enough to go inside.

- They’re both fucking terrified from the moment their daughter is conceived until the day she’s born. Hell is no place for a newborn, and Lilith is afraid of having to step away and relinquish control, even if only for a few weeks. Zelda is scared of childbirth, of their daughter dying, of Lilith leaving her, of the issues they’d face raising their child. Lilith assures her everything would be okay, and she’s cautious to believe it.

- Pregnancy sucks and Zelda vows that she’ll never do it again as long as she lives. She hates not drinking, not smoking, gaining the weight, the fact that she can’t eat sweets whenever she wants. Lilith is doting and sweet and perfect, massages Zelda’s feet and makes her non-alcoholic drinks and watches trash television with her to pass the time. She takes up knitting for their baby — even when on her throne in Hell — and it’s so damn sweet that Zelda tears up every time she brings home a new blanket.

#whoop these are so fucking long I’m so sorry #and they kinda suck #I basically wrote two mini fics #oops #headcanons #madam spellman #Spellwood #zelda spellman #faustus blackwood #Lilith #my writing

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seance · 3 years

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2020 content creator tag

RULES: answer the questions and then tag 10+ other creators to answer the questions!

finally got around to do this, terribly late i know and i’m sorry but i swear i wasn’t ignoring all the incredibly talented people who tagged me! thank you so so much for thinking of me guys ♡ probably lost some @ in the process cause my notifs are a mess. @goinesjennifer @juliesmolina @faeryglass @almondchestnut @olisgifs @andyoudoctor @yenvengerberg @iridescentides @juliesmolinas

first creation and most recent creation of 2020: god, i already said this but giffing really became my #1 coping mechanism this year so i have a LOT of stuff just from this year. the first one is this THE WITCHER INTRO CARDS gifset and the most recent is actually my julie’s gifset from yesterday but i’m not satisfied with it so! i’m gonna say this KLAUS AND FIVE PARALLELS gifset instead.

one of your favorite creations from 2020: oof, this is super difficult because i get attached to most of my creations, even if they don’t come out as i initially hoped. i’ll go with this five gifset BIRDS HOVER THE TRAMPLED FIELD just because it’s a perfect example of a rare occurrence aka when both my inspiration and my vision and my skills align and i manage to create something exactly how i first imagined it. and also because i think there’s not better fitting poem for this man.

a creation you’re really proud of: i have a few but maybe this ODE TO NUMBER FIVE gifset just because i had a very specific vibe i wanted to give off and i think i managed alright with the colors, texture and design choices! and then i can’t not mention this YOU WERE ALWAYS GOLD TO ME gifset just because i literally poured all my heart into it. this song and these people mean so so much to me.

a new style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it: my style really evolved at the speed of light starting july and i still can’t believe the things i learned once i just let myself try. i keep having new ideas and trying really hard not to dismiss them and see if they work out, telling myself it’s okay if they don’t! i think this ALLISON HARGREEVES gifset basically has it all: the blending, the font work, the shape play. or even this JATP + BODIES OF WATER type of style, complex blending such as this one WILLEX SUPERSTAR is slowly becoming my trademark and i’m not mad about it, i love playing around with fonts like i did in this ALEXREGGIE gifset even if i know it gets really crowded and hard to read sometimes, or even with lines and block of colors like i did here JATP BORN FOR THIS, i finally got back to play around with textures JATP SCRAPBOOK and even JATP DISCOGRAPHY i also tried my hand at creating entire new “atmospheres” playing with specific visual choices like i did in the HARGREEVES AS PARANORMAL INVESTIGATORS set.

your favorite coloring: okay you guys know coloring is easily my favorite thing to do in the world and i’m usually pretty proud of every outcome because i remember how difficult it was for me, for years i thought i would never learn but i still did it, all by myself just keeping trying like a madwoman lmao basically all my the umbrella academy gifset are my pride and joy because did you see that show? how shitty the lighting is? gifmakers need a miracle every single time. so i’m gonna list a few that i still look at fondly ♥

THE SEVEN HARBINGERS OF THE APOCALYPSE

WILLIE AND CALEB

YOU CAN SET YOURSELF FREE (HARGREEVES)

SEASON ONE FAVORITE EPISODE

ALWAYS GOLD TO ME

THE OLD GUARD + RICHARD SIKEN

a creation that took you forever: basically everything i do ahah just because one way or another i always get stuck on something for hours at end be it the fonts or the colors or the scene choices. but i’d say this STRONGER + HAGREEVES SIBLINGS gifset just because my inspiration went off and i decided i wanted to try a bunch of different techniques all at once and my brain didn’t let me rest until i did it all. to think it all started with just that “everyone will know me by a different name” line, oh my god.

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: this VANYA + HER SIBLINGS LOVE gifset with 15.406 notes that i kinda hate because what’s up with that font? and the ugly coloring?! totally gonna remake this one because they deserve far better.

a creation you think deserved more notes: oh my god deep down i want to be selfish and say so many because that number never really match the effort i put in most of my gifs but i’ve also learned not to get too bitter about that, few people rb it, even fewer people comment on it but those people are worth more than anyone else. if i had to chose i’d say either the ALWAYS GOLD TO ME set just because it means so much to me, this ALEXREGGIE set that was so fun to make and i love how the colors and the font work came out, this VANYA + EMPATHY set, and this SWEETIE LITTLE JEAN one.

a creation with a favorite scene/quote: i rarely do actual, canonical quotes and i never use just one scene gsjds- so i’ll go with this DIEGO + LOVE FOR HIS FAMILY one even if i don’t like the font and again ALEX&REGGIE being themselves.

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: considering i was already the umbrella academy and the witcher obsessed i’d say the old guard (YOU KNOW ME WELL) and julie and the phantoms (FAVORITE FRIENDSHIP)

a creation you made that breaks your heart: oh, if you know me even one bit you also know i thrive on angsty feelings, they’re usually my main inspiration not gonna lie so choosing is not that simple! again, this KLAUS AND FIVE parallels gifset because of the sheer tragedy of their lives, this SWEETIE LITTLE JEAN five gifset, this KLAUS HARGREEVES one and this I WANNA BE NUMB AGAIN, this DEAR FORGIVENESS, YOUR BOOKER because this man is a walking tragedy (and this PIECES OF ME DIE ALL THE TIME too for good measure) and then this HARGREEVES SIBS + DAUGHTER gifset.

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: i have brainworms and once i’ve learned how to do something i never manage to come back to the things i did before so i’ve rarely made “simpler” things lately. maybe this JATP + TIMES OF DAY still qualify.

a creation that was inspired by another one (add both your creation and the one that inspired it!): this FAVORITE JATP CHARACTERS with the circle text inspired by this gifset by the loml @evakant // this JATP ROLES with the triangles technique inspired by this work of art by @anya-chalotra and this WARRIOR JULIE set with the text layout inspired by a lovely gifset that now seems to be deleted :(

a favorite creation created by someone else: i love everything my mutuals make but there are some people who really pushed me to always learn more and their gifs are still my absolute favorite thing to date. for example: this THE OLD GUARD TAROTS set by @milkovivhs // this incredible HARGREEVES SIBLINGS one by @yenvengerberg // this GERALT OF RIVIA masterpiece by @anya-chalotra // this CROWLEY set by the queen of colors herself @meliorn

some of your favorite content creators from the year: really too many to count, my mutuals inspire me every single day, the keep my creativity alive and seeing their creations on my dash is always such a treat! so, all the above for sure and then: i‘m stupidly proud of @sunsetscurving i saw her grow into the giffing process with such speed and such vision, everything she does is so pretty, but all my mutuals are incredibly talented. they don’t do anything half-assed, everything they do perfectly mirrors their efforts! @captainheroism @emeraldphantoms @nora-reid @amandaseyfried @rockyblue @juliesmolina @juliesmolinas @lettersdeeplyworn @jakeperalta @kennyortegas @merceralexs @alexreggieluke @calebcovington @andyoudoctor @almondchestnut @iridescentides @number5theboy @evakant

and for good measure, another a couple more creations of yours that you love: excluding all the above i’ll go with

JATP FAVORITE QUOTE

HARGREEVES AS GREEK DEITIES

YOU ARE HERE TO RISK YOUR HEART

THE JATP GEMSTONE SERIES x / x

SOBRIETY IS OVERRATED

AMOR C’HA NULLO AMATO

IF MEMORIES COULD BLEED

this took me so long that everyone else already did it before me so i don’t think i can tag anyone, if you’re reading this and feel like doing it please feel free!

#text #creator tag meme #ari.txt #my eyes are burning so bad this took SO LONG #aodgsd- how did you guys do it so fast?!#maybe i just gif too much sh*t lmao #love you all with ALL my heart

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big-girl-toaster · 5 years

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Emily Sonnett - player analysis

A compilation of Sonnett‘s strengths, weaknesses (cause everyone has them) and general observations from Portland and USWNT games (mostly from 2018 and 2019) ft. my irrelevant opinion.

Enjoy!

Before I’ll start a few notes:

I’m obviously not a professional soccer analyst person or whatever, so please don’t come for my ass. These are just patterns or reoccurring things in Sonnett’s game I observed while rewatching tons of PTFC and USWNT games.

I will focus on a few key points, that doesn’t mean that she has deficiencies in other aspects, sometimes it’s just hard to show them and I tried to avoid stating arguments without giving visual evidence. (All the links and credits are below the gifs)

I would love it if you gave additions, feedback or criticism to this post but all in all I just hope that you enjoy reading a bit about Sonnett’s more professional side and soccer tactics in general.

Please let me know if the format is weird, I’m still figuring out how to make big posts.

I sincerely apologize for the low quality of gifs, as I said, I’m figuring things out and I wasn’t able to upload proper clips.

And lastly, Sonnett is a precious little bean and I enjoyed making this more than I should have. Also, did I use this as an excuse to spend days on end rewatching old games? Yes I did.

I will start with three main strengths I think she brings to the pitch:

Communication / Leading the back line (this is in regards to her position with the Thorns, I will talk about the differences between PTFC/USWNT later on)

As a center back you naturally have a more responsible role in terms of shifting players that are in front of you and communicating things to them they can’t necessarily see. Sonnett embraces that role completely and at 25 years old she is at the level of world class CBs in that regard. A lot of players take on that role much later in their career. Her college coach Steve Swanson for the University of Virginia said about her:

"There is a standard of focus and intensity that Emily demands of the players that play around her. She’s not afraid to hold her teammates accountable in that regard. That was one of the unique aspects of our team dynamic this year, is that Emily's style of leadership is different than the team was used to. I think the team has recognized that the qualities Emily has, we need.“

http://www.espn.com/espnw/news-commentary/article/14100802/virginia-emily-sonnett

This clip I wanted to show you is from a situation that is very common for a defensive line but overlooked bc we as viewers naturally tend to look at the movement of the ball. It’s the intentional shifting of the back line in the exact right moment to let an opposing attacker run into offside. In the original video you can hear Sonnett shout “DROP THE LINE“ and Menges and Kling follow her movement which results in Alex being successfully caught offside at the side line.

((Tumblr won’t let me upload video clips, so here’s a crappy gif (look at Sonny and Menges), click the link to get to youtube, it’s at 21:30))

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JGM6Nju0b4

A simple moment but a very crucial part of back line coordination.

2. Box positioning

A.k.a. one of the most important parts of good defending. Sonnett covers runs from attackers almost always with textbook precision. She anticipates passes and is able intercept balls which makes her a proactive rather than a reactive player. When she does have to go for a tackle she brings a feistiness that she probably learnt from a certain Kelley O’Hara I can imagine. She usually opts for slide tackles and that decision could be debatable if you’re the coach but it’s just so good to look at tbh

(credit to @geekmythologys for the last gif)

But anyway, her box positioning. Having watched a lot of games with my eyes glued to number 16, I can of course safely say that Sonnett knows what she’s doing. But I’ve been thinking more and more that she often has a sort of intuitive approach when it comes to box positioning in particular. For this next clip I’m gonna need your opinion. Normally I wouldn’t tell Sonnett to abandon her player in that moment, especially bc it creates a 3v2 situation on the attackers left side and also considering the angle in which Dunn is facing the goal. However, she steps in and is able to block the ball.

to see it properly: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ev3SFCmbqQ at 15:40

What do you think?

Oh and this is just excellent clearance work. AD was certainly hyped about it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvcOuadyFu4

3. Offensive effort

Sonnett is one of the highest scoring CBs of the league but her offensive efforts aren’t measurable in just goals. For corner kicks she likes to do the near-post run Julie Ertz style and has been successful in the past, most notably the 2-0 in the semifinal 2017 against Orlando (which resulted in this gem of a gif):

She likes to stay up top for a bit when her position is covered by someone else and tbh I’m living for these moments.

Here she encourages quick playing and would have gotten through with it if the nwsl had good refs. She didn’t even touch her. (get it? haha)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOIDLJ4ZL1A

Here she drives the ball after winning it, even if her teammates are pushing up late and then she stays up front to participate in the counter attack. Unfortunately nothing evolves out of this situation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ev3SFCmbqQ

Right. Those were the strengths, in terms of weaknesses, I don’t wanna pick apart the smallest things but this is what I found:

Misjudged midfield positioning

We’ve talked about her excellent positioning in the box, however, a huge part of modern soccer is having the Center Backs pushed up to the half-line (as well as inverted outside backs but that’s another point). And what I’ve noticed is that sometimes during turnovers Sonnett goes in to put pressure on the player and with that an even wider space opens up behind her that the opposing team could exploit. Like in this picture.

Blue is the ball movement, red (Sonnett) goes in when in my opinion green (Lindsey) should have been the one putting pressure on the ball bc now Daly can run into that open space.

Luckily Sonnett’s speed prevents Houston from getting anything out of it but Daly tried it several times during the game.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOIDLJ4ZL1A

My second example is that iconic tactical foul against ARod that we all remember.

Her positioning isn’t optimal, Klings pass isn’t the best, ARod gets her off of the wrong foot, she can’t turn around fast enough and has to stop her with a professional foul which is (I’ll say it again) demanded by coaches in situations like that. But anyway, tumblr has talked enough about this game rip

2. Determining the biggest threat

This is a minor one, because Sonnett is usually really good at reading the game and making the right decisions. However in this game against Australia, she tries to cover the space behind Dahl which is technically reasonable but considering how wide open the Australian is, she should have closed her in earlier. That little hop inside the center of the field made the difference and the opposing player was able to score.

I think it’s safe to say that stuff like this comes with age and experience. And again, Sonnett is only 25!

(The whole game against Australia is awesome for spotting strengths and weaknesses, plus we get tons of Sonny close-ups thus I can recommend rewatching it) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBNvE3owllY

Two more things I wanted to include are two risks that could be relevant in the future.

From time to time she doesn’t control her arm movement in the box.

This is obviously the natural thing you do when you make a move like that but with the new rules by Fifa, defenders are more and more limited and this would have been a penalty if it had hit her arm. Idk it could bite her in the ass at some point.

2. Intuitive positioning

We’ve talked about this and people might have different opinions on it. I personally think though that this might make the difference between a great and a world class defender. So I say go for it Sonny.

Phew, I’m almost done guys, congrats for getting this far, I hope it’s interesting at all.

The last thing I wanna mention is this: The difference between Portland Sonnett and National Team Sonnett, a.k.a. CB Sonnett and RB Sonnett.

Even though as a right back your role is more offensive, I feel like Sonnett has to be pushed to go for it. She rarely does those runs in behind the winger and towards the end line. When she does it it’s great but compared to Kelley she simply isn’t there yet. It also seems to me like for Portland she takes more liberties in pushing forward which maybe is a confidence thing as well. She is a given for the Thorns but had to fight to regain that roster spot for the NT in 2017 after not being called up for several months. Maybe the fear of making mistakes bc of being out of position hinders her a bit? (I’m saying this while being aware that I of course don’t know what the coaches want her to do and what the different game plans require of her.) Anyway, I love her 1v1 defending as RB. I think she is underrated and absolutely deserves a spot on the Olympic roster next year.

One last low quality gif because we gotta stay on brand.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBNvE3owllY

Well that’s it, I hope you enjoyed it. Again, I’d be grateful for additions, opinions, feedback, whatever.

Thanks for reading :)

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danieyells · 2 years

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not me listening to "stalker's tango" and you rb that belphie fanart alshflsdlk okay ngl i've been thinking about how the halloween event is the devs trying to test how dark they can get away with and how they finally touch on the fact that they once said belphie is a canon yandere (but ngl i feel like mammon always steal the spotlight with how often he's trying to sabotage everyone else's advances LOL)

Stalker's Tango is a good song and I've been listening to it at least once a day for like two weeks and now I am listening to it again too thank you lmao

Idk about all that. I mean I guess this far in would be a good time to test the waters for darker content, but it's also like. . .I feel like they'd've done that earlier, y'know? And when everyone's acting yandere-ish, it really isn't so much touching on Belphie's being yandere imo. . . .

But god if they were gonna use it as a bit of a. Measure for what they could mess with and there was even a chapter of the main story that featured the demons being more malignant, whether towards the player or towards a common threat/enemy or other humans or something. . .I'd love that. We can really only hope right? /o\ On the upside, everyone seemed to love the Halloween event so maybe we'll get more like that even if it's only Halloween. . .!

(Mammon is the Avatar of Greed! Stealing's what he does, whether it's material goods or your attention lololol)

#obey me!#danie yells at obey me!#danie yells answers #danie yells at anons

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karnalesbian · 7 years

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first off don't rb this please and thank you and also this is nearly ten years ago so my memory may be fuzzy on details

second a disclaimer don't fucking do any of this shit bc if you do im gonna feel guilty for ruining your chem class

third of all everything was Chris's idea and absolutely nobody can prove otherwise

anyway so in sophomore year of hs my friend chris and I had chem 1 together which turned out to be an awful idea on the part of the people who make the schedules. Both of us were pretty smart, quite lazy, didn't pay much attention, and very prone to 'hey watch this' moments. Not the best combination to inflict on a poor, quiet teacher like ms aparicio, but there you go. Generally when we finished lab early we would mess around on his ipod touch but some days we saw.. other opportunities

Like on the day when we were experimenting with conductivity using liquid solutions and voltmeters, and we finished up our lab early and chris (ok, mostly chris) has the brilliant thought to see what the voltmeter would read if we tried to measure the power strip that was on the lab table. The thing is, there were two very important things plugged into the power strip: the voltmeter itself, and the computer at the table. And neither of us remembered that it would be a very good idea to wipe the fucking ends off after dipping them into the solutions. So he jams the goddamn thing into the socket and watches expectantly. The voltmeter doesn't actually say anything, so he's disappointed, but as he's moving to pull it out we hear like.. a muffled noise, like someone farting from under three layers of blankets. And then we see smoke coming out of the computer. Turns out we he fried the inside of it. They never did figure out what caused it and eventually ms aparicio just assumed that Dell computers were prone to spontaneous combustion. And we never touched the computers in chem again.

#mine

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bundeslihaha · 6 years

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Chapter 11: Under the Spotlight

The Media Days have started! Join the Bundesliga boys and girls as they prepare for the part of the season they wished they could skip!

Whoever’s documenting us, SV Darmstadt 98 thought as she reread the address on her phone, must be lazy as fuck…

Somehow, she wasn’t surprised at her vocabulary – hanging out (well, arguing) with Karlsruhe, Kaiserslautern and Braunschweig would do that to anyone…

Hmm, speaking of those three, it was unfortunate for such big clubs with rich history to not get promoted, wasn’t it? But naaaah, Darmstadt grinned mischievously. She was definitely looking forward to filling the next page of her football fairytale!

FC Ingolstadt 04 looked up at his coach slowly. “Papa?” he called, tugging the sleeve of Ralph Hasenhüttl’s shirt.

“Yes, Ingolstadt?” Papa asked. His face looked sooo bored, but Ingolstadt knew anyone would be, like really! It seemed like they’d been on this train for years! “Papa, are we there yet?” he whined, secretly hoping that asking would make the trip faster.

“Not yet, Ingolstadt,” Papa replied, messing his hair. “No, Papa, don’t do that!” he protested, swatting his large hand off his head, “I’m not a kid anymore!” He was already eleven years old, okay? He didn’t need a Papa. He wanted to live alone like RB Leipzig, to do whatever and whenever he wanted! Why did the bosses still force him to live with a “father figure”? He’s a personification, not a normal kid! Why should he go to a boring school? Why should he be watched while eating? Everyone knew he hated vegetables! Why?!

“Ingolstadt,” Papa said, touching his cheek instead, “I’m sorry, okay? You know I like your hair when it’s neatly trimmed like this.” He chuckled a little. Ingolstadt pouted. “Of course you like it, Papa, you trimmed it yourself!” the boy playfully punched his caretaker, “Why can’t I have long hair like Bochum?”

“Bochum?” Papa asked, raising an eyebrow, “His hair is awful. Especially with that hairclip.”

The little Bavarian groaned. “But- but I want my hair to touch my shoulders! It’s so cool, Papa!” He patted Papa’s shoulder for good measure, but all he got was an unconvinced glare. “Fine,” he grumbled, “at least I can grow bangs? Like Karlsruhe?”

Papa’s eyes were unfocused. Maybe he was picturing his (old, haha!) bully, with his shaggy brown hair.

“He looks like he doesn’t have a comb,” Papa finally said. Ingolstadt decided to change tactics. In a second, he was staring at his coach with dark eyes as big as saucers, causing Hasenhüttl to wince and changed the topic himself. “Anyway, are you excited for the Media Days?”

Ingolstadt’s face brightened that instant. “Of course, Papa! I can’t wait to meet the others!” He was jumping on his seat now, earning him annoyed looks from other passengers. “Especially Bayern. She’s so… so badass!”

When Ingolstadt realized what he’d just said, his hands comically flew to cover his mouth. “Sorry, Papa,” he squeaked.

Now, Ralph Hasenhüttl couldn’t bring himself to be harsh to the spoiled, irritating boy that was the physical embodiment of FC Ingolstadt, but he couldn’t the child grow up with no manners, either.

“Ingolstadt,” Hasenhüttl said, a patronizing hand on the 11-year-old’s shoulder, “what did I tell you about bad words?”

The personification sighed, head hung in shame. “I must not say them, Papa,”

“Good,” the manager nodded. Let’s all pray the first division clubs wouldn’t undo everything he’d taught his ‘son’…

Elsewhere…

As usual, Europe-bound clubs gather on a corner of whatever meeting place they were in (in this case, studio), FC Augsburg looking out of place.

The UEL club was sandwiched between 25-time-German champions, FC Bayern München, and her chaser, VfL Wolfsburg, his lean body a stark contrast from the fanservice muscles of the two. It didn’t trouble Augsburg much, though. What troubled him was how… casually the six other clubs spoke of trebles, Spanish giants and the like, and though he was an expert at poker faces, intimidation froze him in place.

“Earth to Augsburg,” Bayern called with a hard pat on his back, “you still there?”

He blinked before meeting her gaze. “Yeah.”

“Don’t be so shy, mate,” Gladbach added, flashing the ginger a toothy grin. “It’s my first time in Champions League, too. Ish."

“But you’ve been in Europa,” Augsburg said matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, but you’ll make it!” Dortmund cheered from opposite his seat, a fist punching the air. “Sure, I’ll be your rival later on, but I’m rooting for you! You’re too good to go down…” He trailed off. Must be remembering Freiburg, Augsburg mused, feeling a pang of sympathy for the relegated club and the friend she’d left behind. Would he have to sacrifice Europe for domestic survival, like she had?

“Tch. No one’s ‘too good’ to go down,” Gladbach spat as if forcing everyone to recall his recent brushes with relegation.

“But I think you’ll do well, FCA,” Schalke piped up, a grudging note in his deep voice. “You’re more consistent than Lüdenscheid over here,” he poked his fellow Ruhr club right on his ‘BVB 09, Echte Liebe’ tattoo.

“Oh, shut up, Scheiße,” Dortmund snapped, “just because you consistently suck, doesn’t mean you can bully those who don’t.” A sneer twisted Die Schwarzgelben’s handsome face, practically begging the Royal Blues to punch it. And so, Schalke did.

“Ouch,” Gladbach snickered. That was one hell of a punch. Leverkusen hid his snicker behind his hands.

“You…” Dortmund growled, rubbing his aching nose.

With Schalke sneering back, they left the group for a more physical Revierderby.

A chuckle escaped Bayern at her enemies’ antics. “Oi, Augsburg!” she called again. The ginger beside her responded with a ‘hmm’. “How does it feel to watch the two up close?”

Wolfsburg and the Rhine boys stared hard at the younger Bavarian, trying to coax an answer out of the stoic man.

“Funny?” Augsburg answered, with a tone that made it sound like a question. Wolfsburg laughed. “You don’t sound like you mean it!”

The Fuggerstädter shrugged. “I guess I’m used to it.” He really was used to seeing clubs fight. Nürnberg and Fürth's drunken Oktoberfest brawls weren't much different from the Ruhr Valley rivals', really. He hoped he could be used to being in the company of these giants, too…

There were confident people, and then there was Hamburger SV.

Six-time German champion, playoff specialist (Fürth and Karlsruhe could stay in 2. Bundesliga forever, he didn’t care) and especially beater of “oh-so-great” Gladbach, Augsburg and Bayern was entering the studio with a swagger unseen in him before.

Unfortunately, his swag didn't impressed anyone, except if you count Hannover’s friendly ‘hi’ as an expression of awe. Even worse, Mainz and Frankfurt didn’t even try to hide their laughter (or in the case of Hoffenheim, his derisive remarks). Ugh. He should find Werder lest he died of boredom here. He opened his mouth to ask his boyfriend where the shit is, but when he saw Hertha’s suspicious glances, an imaginary light bulb appeared over his head.

“Yo, Karlsruhe’s whore!”

At her death glare, he couldn’t help but think: This photoshoot won’t be so boring after all.

“Welcome to the Bundesliga!” Eintracht Frankfurt exclaimed, snaking a hand around Darmstadt's shoulders with a less-than-friendly laugh. At the physical contact, she tensed, but took it in stride a moment later. “Thank you, Frankfurt. How are you?”

“Great,” the Eagles replied. “And you, Darmstadt?”

She looked up at him with a beam. “Never better!”

“How can you not?” Frankfurt’s hearty laugh rang in the hallway, “really, I can congratulate you all day.” There was a strangely comfortable silence as they walked inside the studio. “Anyway,” the taller man continued, “Ready for the derby?” Challenge sparkled in his red eyes, dangerous yet inviting.

“Of course,” Darmstadt accepted, her blue eyes echoing his. “And I’m gonna win them all!”

If there was one thing every club preferred their archenemy over, that thing would be a makeover.

Bayern was insisting “Hertha’s kind of makeup” didn’t suit her, demanding the poor makeup artist to 'fix her up' the way she did the male personifications.

Stuttgart had had his dark brown dye forcefully removed, leaving his hair very, very blond. “It will bring out your eyes,” the makeup artist had said, his green eyes glinting with evil.

Even Hertha almost cried when they said she had to take off her bow (a parting gift from her lover years ago) despite accepting her new, layered hairstyle.

So when 1. FC Köln came in to a horde of dissatisfied clubs, he feared for himself as he took his seat on the torture chair.

“Hi, Köln,” his makeup artist, a young woman whose build reminded him of Nuernberg. “Don’t be afraid, ‘kay?”

“Uh…” Köln said, “do I have to take this off?” He indicated at the thin hair tie holding his ponytail.

“Of course,” she smirked.

And then, the torture began.

“Afternoon, everyone!”

Seventeen Bundesliga clubs gathered in the middle of the spacious studio, prepped and pumped for the so-called ‘BL Media Days’. Or for it to be over, but that didn’t really matter. A DFL official welcomed them in their headquarters. The greetings/bullshit was followed by Darmstadt’s introduction, and of course: “But most importantly, have fun!”

The first photoshoot was standard – they’d be photographed head to waist with hands on their hips, a plain white wall their background.

To make things simpler, the officials would call the impatient personifications in alphabetical order, because of which, Werder Bremen and Wolfsburg decided to treat themselves (and the others, on the officials’ insistence) lunch.

“FC Augsburg!” came the first call, and true to his no-nonsense personality, it only took him a minute or two, even with the touch-ups.

“Bayer 04 Leverkusen!”

The Retortenclub rolled his eyes. “Later, okay” he told Bayern, who gave him a thumb up in reply. As a true PR man, Leverkusen stepped up to the stage with confidence, a charming smile set to melt fangirls and fanboys’ hearts on his face.

“Hello, cutie,” the makeup artist teased, applying a dash of bronzer on Leverkusen’s cheek. He responded accordingly – with a wink and “Hello to you too!”

Then crash! The door to the studio slammed open, causing almost everyone to jump in surprise, and came in Ralph Hasenhüttl, red-faced and panting as he helped his charge up from his face-down fall. “We… apologize for our lateness,” the coach said. Beside him, FC Ingolstadt 04 stood with a broken nose and tearful eyes. A laugh could be heard from his fellow Aufsteiger, but she disguised it as a cough before Hasenhüttl could do anything.

“No problem, Sir!” one of the officials said amicably. After a grateful nod from the manager (and a three-minute chiding to Germany’s youngest club), he left. “Use Darmstadt’s phone to call me when I’m done, okay?”

Darmstadt’s fists clenched - she couldn’t make a bad impression in front of the Bundesligists, but everyone was laughing at her! Not to mention Inge’s annoying ‘okay, Papa! See you later!’

Like she hadn’t had enough of that squirt in the second division…

Desperate to stop the laughter directed at him, the club nicknamed Die Schanzer turned to face his new ‘friends’. “Hi, guys!” he shouted, waving his hands in the air. “I’m FC Ingolstadt! And you?” He jumped to a bench where two clubs, one in green and the other blue, sat. “What’s your name?”

The guy in green stood up, and damn he was huge! Ingolstadt had to stand on his toes just to see his beard! Fortunately, he could see his arms, his legs, and woah he had so much hair… how cool! I wish I had a body like that, the little boy thought, hand almost touching his muscular calf… almost… almost…

“Wolfsburg,” the huge man answered, snatching Ingolstadt’s hand to shake it. “And this is Hoffenheim,” he gestured to the man in blue, who was black-haired, blue-eyed and sulking.

(The introductions, unnecessary as they were, continued, much to the officials’ annoyance – to make it worse, everyone was either too amused or too mesmerized by the pint-sized Bavarian’s “cuteness” to stop him.

Seven minutes and thirty-one seconds later – “THANK GOD!” one of the officials whooped – Ingolstadt had made himself known to every club but Die Werkself, who had just finished posing for the cameras.)

When Leverkusen stepped off the stage with another stranger’s (well, at least she wasn’t a Scheißbock fan) phone number, a red-haired boy – promoted Ingolstadt, Leverkusen read his club crest – approached him, confusion narrowing his dark eyes.

“What’s wrong, Ingolstadt?” he asked, letting his persona do the job.

“I’m confused, Sir,” the boy replied, scratching his head with a pudgy finger. “This thing is for… personifications only, right?”

He’s more stupid than I thought, Leverkusen made a mental groan, but outwardly, he kneeled to the Audi-backed club’s eye level, his hands on his small shoulders. “Yes, it is,” he said, his voice as soft as the gaze he sent the Bavarian, “you may be young, Ingolstadt dear… but you are one of us.”

To Leverkusen’s surprise, Ingolstadt didn’t jump up and down with renewed self-esteem, but gave him a blank stare instead. “’Us’? Who are you?!” the boy shrieked, as if Leverkusen was some kind of intruder. He resisted the urge to kick the newbie in the groin by offering him a hand to shake. “Bayer Leverkusen,” he introduced himself, grinning eye-to-eye, “nice to meet you!”

“You’re Bayer Leverkusen?!” the boy echoed, dumbstruck as he squinted at the cross and lions on his chest. “I thought… I thought you were a player!”

He could hear Gladbach and Köln’s too-loud whispers of ‘The guy looks like Kießling and he doesn't even admit it'.

"Fuck you," Leverkusen muttered, turning on his heel to leave the baby boy. He'd give those two assholes a lesson... but first, he needed a plastic surgery.

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365footballorg-blog · 6 years

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Armchair Analyst: SKC's depth charge, NY debuts & more from Week 19

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July 8, 20189:26PM EDT

Week 19’s in the books and we’re aimed directly at the playoff race. Teams that are above the playoff line at this point in the season tend to make the playoffs at about a 90 percent rate.

Good Times Bad Times

Are SKC fans panicking a little bit? They’ve now taken just one of the last nine points on offer and have won just twice in the past two months, and there’s a ripple of fear about the summer swoon having actually come during the spring this year. They were 7-2-2 on May 9 following a 2-0 win at Atlanta United. They’re 2-2-4 since then.

The proximate cause has been injuries, plain and simple. Felipe Gutierrez was a key to that hot start, then he got hurt and hasn’t come back (and his replacements have offered nothing in attack). Matt Besler has been hobbled, as has Seth Sinovic. Khiry Shelton won the starting center forward job – even though he couldn’t put the ball in the back of the net – by making everybody around him better, then lost it because he got hurt. And Jimmy Medranda got hurt, and Cristian Lobato got hurt, and suddenly this team was sapped of any sort of depth or flexibility. Add in red cards to Daniel Salloi and Roger Espinoza in Wednesday’s 4-2 loss at RSL and Saturday should’ve been an L.

It wasn’t, though. They got a 2-2 draw against visiting TFC and I will grant that Sporting were fortunate enough, in terms of match-ups, to be playing one of the few teams more injured than they themselves are. Nonetheless I suspect that Sporting will mostly avoid their annual summer tailspin because Peter Vermes has taken more of a plunge in terms of both building and playing depth in 2018.

A reading from the book of Jaylin Lindsey:

Jaylin Lindsey’s not even left-footed. Gonna see a lot of him at both RB and LB for the US U-20s real soon. #SKCvTOR pic.twitter.com/cSvisXdmrV

— Matthew Doyle (@MattDoyle76) July 8, 2018

The 18-year-old Homegrown, who can and has played both left and right back, and both left and right wingback, has soaked up valuable minutes both in league and US Open Cup play of late. So has fellow Homegrown Wan Kuzain, who’s been steady and mistake-free in central midfield. Emiliano Amor is getting time at center back, and Kharlton Belmar – excellent in USL with Swope Park Rangers – has finally earned his way into MLS minutes.

Ideally these guys wouldn’t all be on the field together, all at the same time, all trying to keep the ship afloat. Ideally Kuzain could be out there giving Espinoza a breather while the rest of the team around him is made up of regulars, or Lindsey could be giving Graham Zusi his first day off since like 2004. The best way to get young or new players integrated and used to playing with the first team is to surround them with guys who are first teamers.

Vermes hasn’t really had the luxury of doing that. But in throwing so many of these guys into the deep end recently, he’s gotten the measure of more than a few of them (especially, it has to be said, in the US Open Cup win over FC Dallas and the scoreless draw at Portland). Long-term, that is a good thing.

Obviously, as their record shows over the last 10, it hasn’t been pretty. But it’s been effective enough too keep SKC in the hunt, and for the first time I can remember SKC’s depth pieces are credible enough to warrant playing time even when the starters are back, and that, in turn, should keep guys like Espinoza, Zusi, Besler et al fresh enough to avoid another autumn collapse.

Three things, though

Vermes has to buy into this and not run his veterans into the ground.

Ike Opara came off hurt on Saturday. I think he’s the one guy on that team who’s actually irreplaceable.

There’s a chance none of this matters too much unless they actually do find a goalscoring No. 9.

The window opens this week, by the way.

Battle of Evermore

My colleague Charlie Boehm on games at Yankee Stadium: “You can see how it dominates the players’ mentality. Even if they have time, they don’t think they do – so clearances instead of passes out, etc.

That has obviously, over the years, played into the hands of the Red Bulls, who’ve largely dominated the Hudson River Derby.

That dominance did not continue in the first meeting of the new era, as Domé Torrent and Chris Armas squared off for the first time. The reason why is pretty straight-forward:

Pragmatic Domé, in Sunday’s 1-0 win over RBNY: 24.2% of NYCFC’s attempted passes were long-balls

Dogmatic Patrick, in May’s 4-0 loss to RBNY: 14.6% of NYCFC’s attempted passers were long-balls

When you meet a team that presses as high and hard and relentlessly as the Red Bulls do, you’re pretty well got to take the opportunities they give you to try to play over the top, and you’ve definitely got to be smart about when and where you attempt to build through them. If you want to see this on a bigger stage it’s “Pep vs. Klopp in the Champions League,” but in our league this derby has been the best possible example, again and again and again.

So Domé changed the conversation. Good on him.

On the other side it was not a great debut from Armas, who seemed to fundamentally misunderstand the machine that Jesse Marsch created.

1. The Red Bulls are arrhythmic – rhythm is death to them. They don’t want games to be about passing the ball well, they want games to be a discrete series of duels and immediate transitions that leave you gasping for breath.

2. As soon as any game settled into a rhythm over the last few years (but especially this year), Marsch always made a sub to change – or outright break – the rhythm. Sometimes these subs were attacking, sometimes they were defensive, sometimes they were used to change the shape of the team. But what they were mostly about was breaking any sort of rhythm.

3. You could feel this game settling into a rhythm around the 70 minute mark. This doesn’t mean that NYCFC were suddenly playing prettier soccer or stringing passes together like Man City. It just means that they were clearly growing comfortable with the type of game it was and had been, and were happily settling into it.

4. Once that became clear, Armas needed to make any sub. But instead he waited, the rhythm of the game lulled RBNY into a sense of security, and BAM!!!, 1-0 to the Pigeons. And thus when Armas did finally make a sub, it was a reactive one. The Red Bulls, of course, are not great at playing reactive soccer.

Nobody in Harrison should freak out about Armas, of course. The dude was managing his first career game, on the road, against one of the best teams in the league, in a nationally televised derby. He wasn’t going to get every decision correct.

And so his first lesson was a hard one. What really matters, on the longer timeline, is if he’s able to learn from it and apply the lesson it in the future.

A few more things to ponder…

10. Montreal continued their cull of the weak, handling a bunkered-in Colorado team with more ease than the scoreline indicated in a 2-1 win for the Impact. It’s their fifth in their last six games, has edged them up above the playoff line for the first time since March, and there’s not much to say beyond “Job well done” given the schedule they’ve just played.

Which is to say: They’re where Orlando City were after that six-game winning streak. You can only beat the teams in front of you, and they’ve done that. Now the Impact, with their newly compact midfield and more resolute (though still vulnerable on set pieces) defense, play at NYCFC, at Portland and vs. Atlanta in three of their next four.

We’ll see how they look on the other side of that stretch.

Colorado, of course, look like a team that knows it can’t attack without exposing themselves to a fatal degree defensively. So they bunkered into a 5-4-1 and prayed, but if you get outshot 21-2 you’re not going to win many points.

9. All the highlights you need from New England’s 0-0 draw against the visiting Sounders:

Quick highlights from tonight’s match. ¯_(ツ)_/¯#NERevs pic.twitter.com/HoAxcRiNXp

— New England Revolution (@NERevolution) July 8, 2018

The Revs have two more games in which they need to take points (home to LA, at Minnesota) before a brutal three-and-a-half month closing schedule. The Sounders have 15 goals, and an outside chance of catching Josef Martinez in the Golden Boot race.

8. Following Saturday’s pretty comprehensive 3-0 destruction of Minnesota United, Houston are seventh in the West on points, sixth on points per game and third in goal differential. Since May 5 they’re 5-3-2 with their only losses being at RSL, at Montreal and at Sporting. Not bad.

They’re starting to get a little bit healthier as well, and on Saturday it was big center back Philippe Senderos – who’s now gone 90 in three straight games – who was the star, banging home two goals on set pieces (which the Loons still can not defend).

There was nothing flashy about the win, which is fine. What’s really important for the Dynamo is that, for the first time in a long while, there was nothing sloppy about the win, either.

7. There wasn’t much slop from RSL, either, in their really surprisingly comfortable 2-0 win over visiting FC Dallas on Saturday night, which came on the heels of that impressive-as-hell 4-2 win over Sporting on July 4. They controlled the midfield, and the kids up top – Jefferson Savarino, Albert Rusnak, Bofo Saucedo and Corey Baird – just constantly disrupted any attempts by los Toros Tejanos to build from the back.

It’s finally starting to look like the second half of last year a little bit, as RSL have gone 6-3-1 in their last 10, and have done it with energy and mobility.

At least, they’ve done it like that at home, where they’re 8-1-1. On the road they’re 1-7-1, and they probably need to start picking up a few points here and there if they’re going to hold off the likes of the Dynamo and the Galaxy.

Dallas, for their part, looked spent. And that makes sense given they’d played 90 minutes in Minnesota, then 90 hard, hot minutes at home against Atlanta, and then 90 more at altitude in Sandy all while adjusting to Life After Mauro.

So I’m giving them a mulligan for this one, but I’m also keeping an eye on their body language and what I thought were some selfish shot/pass decisions reminiscent of last year. Not to mention I’m really not sure how they plan to create consistent danger without Diaz.

6. Oh Philly, Philly Philly Philly. They played so damn well for so long against such a great Atlanta United team, and when they had the chance to rip open the door…

I’m giving Alejandro Bedoya the Pass of the Week for that – the Sombrero + PullBack Cross combo, thankyouverymuch. Unfortunately for the Union, I can not give them three points for that because they just refuse to finish chances when they get them.

Atlanta, of course, have no such compunctions in front of net. They played nothing close to their best game, but Josef got his 18th from the spot, then they concocted another for Tito Villalba, they won 2-0 and they’re on 40 points from 20 games.

You can’t let the Five Stripes hang around. If you do, you lose.

5. The ‘Caps had to hold on for dear life and should be thanking their lucky stars that Nemanja Nikolic, of all people, figured out a way to miss from eight yards out deep into stoppage time of what was, eventually, a 3-2 Vancouver win at BC Place.

This was a pure Vancouver performance: They got out and ran at every opportunity, and Chicago just could not keep up.

It was also a necessary win, as four of the ‘Caps’ next five are on the road. That used to be a good thing for them, but with this year’s leaky defense it’s been very not good so far.

I’m honestly surprised Chicago went with what’s basically their first XI given they have a much more important game against Philly coming up on Wednesday.

4. The Galaxy absolutely drubbed Columbus by 4-0 on Saturday night, and they’re now 4-1-3 in their last eight games. They played a lopsided 4-2-3-1 in this one with their usual personnel-induced issues, especially on the backline.

But yeah, the midfield looked really functional against what I still think is a very good Columbus side. Jonathan Dos Santos was reliable and occasionally difference-making on the night as a No. 8, and Gio Dos Santos was excellent and influential in the hole as a No. 10.

These guys, after thousands of minutes of tepid play in MLS, are still big “ifs.” But they just destroyed what had been the league’s best defensive team entering the night, and I feel like folks should notice that.

3. Orlando City also got absolutely drubbed, 4-1 at the beautiful machine that is LAFC. It was James O’Connor’s debut, and though the scoreline was ugly… I actually thought it was a good 75 minutes. So did Calen:

LAFC on the road is too tough a test to get a real read on what the Purple Lions are or could be under O’Connor. The Black-and-Gold are on course for nearly 80 goals, and over 60 points, which means they’re a Supporters’ Shield-caliber attacking juggernaut, and they’ve been putting teams into the blender.

2. Two teams had 11-match unbeaten streaks last year: Chicago and Toronto FC. So Portland, who hit 11 after Saturday’s 2-1 home defeat of San Jose, are keeping pretty good company.

The Timbers have gone 8-0-3 during this stretch, and now seven of those wins are by a single goal. They are, at this point, so so so reminiscent of the 2016 Rapids – who, incidentally, had a 15-game unbeaten run that had seven wins by a single goal.

Portland fans will surely get mad at me about this comparison in the comments section, but again: There is nothing wrong with being a team that sits deep, absorbs pressure and counters to kill.

If you’re in Oregon and you’re still torqued off about this, here ya go: CLICKY

That’s Michael Cox on how Atletico Madrid do the same thing. If it’s a winning strategy it’s a good strategy.

1. And finally, I’m going back to Wednesday night for our Face of the Week, courtesy of the legendary Ben Olsen:

Don’t get in Ben Olsen’s way #DCU pic.twitter.com/YmD3I7snaI

— Steven Streff (@streffsoccer) July 5, 2018

As Steven later pointed out, D.C.’s remaining schedule is favorable. If they can pick up 2 ppg from their 15 remaining home games, they will – at the very least – get themselves in the hunt and make a few people nervous along the way.

Series:

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Armchair Analyst: SKC's depth charge, NY debuts & more from Week 19 was originally published on 365 Football

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junker-town · 6 years

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Which OL from each NFL team would be the best skill position player?

After Marshall Newhouse wowed us, we had to figure out which players could make a transition to TE, RB, WR, or QB.

Offensive linemen are the unsung heroes of the gridiron. They keep the quarterback upright and pave the way for running backs to make plays. But they rarely get to bask in the spotlight.

Raiders tackle Marshall Newhouse had a brief moment to shine on Sunday during his team’s win over the Dolphins. Newhouse allowed a sack on Derek Carr, who then fumbled the football. But Newhouse took a chance to potentially save the play. He scooped the ball up and began to run.

Then Newhouse took a hit so hard that his 6’4, 324-pound frame spun around in the air like a helicopter blade. He fumbled, and the Dolphins recovered. Still, it was glorious to see him thundering down the field for those few yards.

We need more big-man offensive plays in the NFL. So we asked our NFL team sites which offensive linemen on their respective teams would make the best skill position players. Some of these guys have experience making plays for their teams, some played in college, and some were ... well, pretty out there.

Here are their choices, ranked by how realistic each option would be:

Guys who have been there before

We know these guys can make things happen with the ball in their hands, because we’ve seen it before.

Cleveland Browns: J.C. Tretter at TE

Hey, whatever can get the Browns in the end zone.

Purely based on his background, my vote would go to center J.C. Tretter. He played football and basketball in college, the latter sport of which he was his school's all-time leading scorer and rebounder. At Cornell University, he was a tight end for his first two years before switching to the offensive line. During his college career, he logged 5 catches for 80 yards and 1 touchdown.

For more, check out the entire entry at Dawgs by Nature.

Green Bay Packers: Jason Spriggs at TE

Well, the Packers did just part ways with Martellus Bennett ...

First of all, Spriggs played tight end in high school and was recruited at that position when he signed with Indiana. He also lined up at the tight end position as a sixth offensive lineman on occasion in 2016. There’s our first check.

Second: Spriggs is one of most ridiculously explosive athletes at the offensive tackle position in years. His Combine vertical was 31.5 inches, very respectable in its own right, but he upped that to a whopping 35-inch jump at his Pro Day.

For more, check out the entire entry at Acme Packing Company.

Los Angeles Chargers: Forrest Lamp as a receiver out of the backfield

Lamp did it in college at Western Kentucky.

When it comes to your play-makers, you also want your guys to have experience for those big-time moments in the biggest games. So it obviously helps that Lamp was a four-year starter for the Hilltoppers while winning quite a few games during his time at WKU.

Down one score? I’m calling a naked bootleg and hitting my man Lamp at the front pylon.

Ballgame.

For more, check out the entire entry at Bolts from the Blue.

Philadelphia Eagles: Lane Johnson at TE

As if the Eagles really need any more offensive weapons — but Johnson did play tight end in college.

Johnson, however, is the obvious choice, and as funny as this whole scenario is, Lane as a skill position player, specifically a tight end, would be no joke. They called Chicago Bears tight end Adam Shaheen “Baby Gronk” in honor of Rob Gronkowksi, but Johnson would be “Daddy Gronk” at 6-foot-6, 317 pounds. The guy played tight end at the University of Oklahoma before converting to defensive end (and then tackle), so he’s got the chops to make a switch, and don’t tell me you couldn’t throw him in goal-line packages as a Zach Ertz complement.

For more, check out the entire entry at Bleeding Green Nation.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Alejandro Villanueva at TE

Villanueva’s a versatile athlete and could make this work.

Playing left tackle in the NFL requires a lot of athleticism, footwork and skill, but Big Al also has a background as a skill position player. While at West Point he was a giant tight end, and upon returning from his tours in Afghanistan, he was picked up by the Eagles to be a defensive lineman.

For more, check out the entire entry at Behind the Steel Curtain.

Seattle Seahawks: Duane Brown at TE

Brown started off as a tight end in college before switching to tackle.

Brown was so athletic that Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer continued to play Brown on special teams even after he bulked up to play tackle. Thus, if for some reason the Seahawks ever need one of their monsters up front to step outside of their normal role and play TE or to get in the fray on a Hail Mary jump ball in the end zone, Brown would be a good place to start. On top of measuring in a 6-4, Brown recorded a 32.5” vertical jump at his Pro Day, which is better than several skill position players taken along with him in the 2008 draft, including Jamaal Charles (30.5”), Jordy Nelson (31”) and Ray Rice (31.5”).

For more, check out the entire entry at Field Gulls.

New York Jets: Lawrence Thomas moved to FB

I don’t really know how to figure this out so I am going to cheat a bit. I will take a defensive lineman who the Jets actually have moved to running back, Lawrence Thomas.

Week 3 against Miami the team started showing looks with him at fullback, and he even registered a 15 yard reception. Defensive linemen aren’t exactly known for their soft hands. The Jets liked what they saw out of his blocking enough to make him a full-time fullback just a few weeks later.

For more, check out the entire entry at Gang Green Nation.

Proven big-man playmakers in the NFL

These guys have already had a chance to show what they can do with the ball — and we want to see more.

Indianapolis Colts: Anthony Castonzo at TE

Castonzo actually has some experience with this. He caught a touchdown pass from Andrew Luck against the Patriots back in 2014.

Castonzo plays the most athletically demanding position on the line. He stands at 6’7” tall, (a whole 3 inches taller than NFL great Randy Moss.) His modest 29.5 vertical jump at the combine is only 4 inches shorter than what Anquan Boldin measured, even though Castonzo is 82 pounds heavier!

For more, check out the entire entry at Stampede Blue.

Detroit Lions: Brian Mihalik at TE

Mihalik caught a batted pass that was knocked down by the Packers at the line of scrimmage this week. He’s got a jump start on this skill position thing.

All joking aside, Mihalik is easily the most athletic player on the Lions’ front five. In fact, he made Kent Lee Platte’s All-RAS Team, which collected the best athletes at every position from the history of the NFL dating back to 1987. Here are Mihalik’s fantastic combine numbers:

For more, check out the entire entry at Pride of Detroit.

Buffalo Bills: John Miller at WR

He’s done in practice before. He can do it again, this time in game.

That’s Bills lineman John Miller with the fancy footwork and the catch. As a guard, Miller has to pull and get to the outside as a lead blocker so it makes sense that he would have good foot speed despite his 315-pound physique.

For more, check out the entire entry at Buffalo Rumblings.

New England Patriots: Nate Solder at TE

Solder rumbled for a 16-yard receiving touchdown against the Colts in the AFC Championship Game following the 2014 season. Maybe it was the deflated footballs, but he seems well-suited for the role.

If the Patriots actually wanted to move Solder away from his blind side position, there’s a very real chance he could be the second-best tight end on the roster right now. I’m a Dwayne Allen believer, but Solder has more career receptions from Tom Brady and evidently a better rapport, and Solder is undeniably a superior blocking option.

For more, check out the entire entry at Pats Pulpit.

Tennessee Titans: Taylor Lewan at TE

Lewan’s already proven that he can make this work.

Taylor Lewan does an excellent job of selling the fact that he is just staying in to block. That relaxes the defense to think that he is just doing what he always does despite being announced as eligible before the play started.

Lewan then does a really nice job of releasing and catching the ball with his hands. We see receivers all the time that catch the ball with their bodies....not Lewan.

Then he shows a really nice burst to get to outrun the defender to the end zone. It really is a shame this play happened last year before the NFL relaxed the celebration rules. Lewan would have had something epic after getting in the box!

For more, check out the entire entry at Music City Miracles.

Chicago Bears: Kyle Long at TE

He’s speedier than a lot of tight ends and he has one catch in his career, and like Newhouse, he fumbled. But still, why not?

He ran a 4.94 forty at his NFL Combine, which is really good for a man of his size. That number is better than some tight ends in the league, including the Bears newest practice squad member, Colin Thompson, who was clocked at 5.01 at his pro day in the forty yard dash.

For more, check out the entire entry at Windy City Gridiron.

Oakland Raiders: Marshall Newhouse at RB

He’s just got to work on his ball security, and he’s got this.

“He’s an athlete,” head coach Jack Del Rio said of Newhouse. “He was going to go at least another four or five yards. It’s one of those like ‘Get down! Get down!’ He saw the end zone. I don’t even really think he was thinking first down. He was thinking ‘I’m gonna score. That’s what those big guys do. We try to get them to think about just locking up the ball and protecting it, but they can’t help it. They’re going for the end zone.”

For more, check out the entire entry at Silver and Black Pride.

Why not give these guys a shot?

We haven’t seen these players get their moment of glory, at least not yet.

Arizona Cardinals: Earl Watford at TE/FB

Who knows if Watford can actually catch the ball, but he could still fit in as a skill player.

Watford is an excellent athlete, he could line up and tight end or fullback and be successful as a blocker. Can he catch? That's a fair question, but what he can do is move and hit in space, something the Cardinals ask of their tight ends. Also, the basic job of a fullback is to be an extra guard on the field, so that's right in Watford’s wheel house.

For more, check out the entire entry at Revenge of the Birds.

Baltimore Ravens: Austin Howard as an eligible receiver

The Ravens’ passing offense is averaging just 165.7 yards per game. Maybe Austin Howard could give it the jump start it needs.

Already out on the edge, the Ravens should create eligible receiver formations for the right tackle. He’s 330 pounds, and stronger than any linebacker in his way, he’ll block and shed for the easy two-yard out route Marty calls ten times a game anyways.

The Ravens need a creative offense to move the chains, and it starts with the offensive line becoming offensive. How do you defend a right tackle who may be blocking for Alex Collins, protecting Joe Flacco, or breaking down the seam for a deep ball touchdown?

For more, check out the entire entry at Baltimore Beatdown.

Carolina Panthers: Taylor Moton at H-back

How has Riverboat Ron not done this yet?

The Panthers already use Moton as the extra tight end in the ‘jumbo package’ from time to time, so he already has semi-experience playing a skill position. If it were up to me, the Panthers would use him as the H-back in goal-to-go situations, similar to how they’ve used guys like Richie Brockel in the past.

For more, check out the entire entry at Cat Scratch Reader.

Jacksonville Jaguars: William Poehls at TE

His height alone makes him a red zone target that even Blake Bortles might not overthrow.

The Jacksonville Jaguars could use two things: an upgrade at tight end and BIG GUY TOUCHDOWNS so what better way to kill two birds with one stone (sorry, birds) than to try offensive tackle William Poehls out at tight end.

Poehls is the tallest player on the roster and at 6’ 8” he stands two full inches above current tight end Marcedes Lewis. He could just stand in the end zone and he’d never be overthrown, right? And he probably played basketball at some point. I mean, you kind of have to when you’re that tall. So, he’s probably sort of athletic?

For more, check out the entire entry at Big Cat Country.

Minnesota Vikings: Aviante Collins at TE

Does he have experience at any skill position? We don’t know. But on paper, this should work.

But I do know that he ran a 4.81 40-yard dash at the NFL Scouting Combine this past year, which is pretty impressive speed for a guy that stands 6’6” and weighs 295 pounds. Unfortunately, the only Combine drills he did were the 40-yard dash and the bench press (where he put up 225 pounds an impressive 35 times), so I can’t speak to his leaping ability or anything.

Still, if anything were to happen to any of the Vikings’ current tight ends and the Vikings needed another body for a three tight end formation, perhaps Collins could stand in as the guy.

For more, check out the entire entry atDaily Norseman.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Demar Dotson at WR

If you’ve got a guy who’s 6’9, you should throw it to him in the end zone.

I think the answer has to be Demar Dotson. At 6’9”, he could just stand there and hold his arms outstretched to catch those overthrown deep balls. And he’s athletic enough to get down the field, too. He played basketball in college and only converted to football at the very end of his college career.

For more, check out the entire entry at Bucs Nation.

New Orleans Saints: Terron Armstead at TE

Armstead ran a blazing-fast 4.71 40-yard dash at the combine. That’s faster than some wide receivers.

Armstead has a propensity to be a lead guy in the screen game, and can still get down the field easily several seasons later. He was a track and field star in high school (shot put), and ended up accepting a scholarship to play football for Arkansas-Pine Bluff because he could participate in both sports during college. Don’t forget, teams actually worked him out at tight end after he blew away scouts at the combine.

For more, check out the entire entry at Canal Street Chronicles.

Washington: Trent Williams at TE

Williams played basketball, so he presumably has the hands to catch passes from Kirk Cousins.

In a league that has gone nuts over receiving tight ends, an offense that featured Trent lined up in the tight end spot would be pretty dangerous. You want your tight end to block? No problem. You want to create a size mismatch underneath or in the flat? Done. You know that wham block that Vernon Davis excelled at more last season than this season (the one where he motions into the center of the line of scrimmage and knocks the linebacker in the hole silly)? I pity the linebacker thinking he is about to make a tackle in the center of the play with Trent motioning into that space.

For more, check out the entire entry at Hogs Haven.

Atlanta Falcons: Ryan Schraeder at TE

Schraeder might actually be Atlanta’s best option at tight end.

Schraeder is a 6’7”, 300 pound man with nimble feet who has been handling some of the better pass rushers in the league for years now, so he’d be one of the better blocking tight ends in the NFL from the jump. In addition, he runs about the same speed as Levine Toilolo, he probably will stick to his routes about as well as Austin Hooper, and his hands can’t be any worse than we’ve seen from Falcons’ receivers this year. I’ve talked myself into this in record time.

For more, check out the entire entry at the Falcoholic.

Los Angeles Rams: Rodger Saffold as an in-line TE

Saffold’s played nearly every position on the offensive line in his career with the Rams. Plus whereas Whitworth’s a little more top heavy, Saffold’s lower body is a bit bulkier. If he’s got hands, I could see Saff playing in-line tight end in red zone or 3rd down packages without much deficiency compared to former Rams like Michael Hoomanawanui or Roland Williams.

For more, check out the entire entry at Turf Show Times.

It’s probably not going to happen

These are are all “slim to none” chances, but that’s not going to stop us from dreaming.

Cincinnati Bengals: Cedric Ogbuehi at WR or TE

Ogbuehi hasn’t worked out like the Bengals have wanted, so might as well try something else:

Cedric Ogbuehi at wide receiver or tight end. If he’s not going to block, why not go ahead and move him into a pass-catching role, since blocking tends to be optional for them.

All throughout Ogbuehi’s career, you’ll see nothing but whiffs and blocking air as his defender gets an easy sack or tackle for loss, something that’s far more common with players whose main goal is to catch passes, not block.

For more, check out the entire entry at Cincy Jungle.

Dallas Cowboys: Tyron Smith at TE

Smith’s the best left tackle in the game, and Dallas can’t really afford to move him.

Smith is listed as 6’5” and 312 lbs, and there is not a lot of body fat on that frame. He has always demonstrated tremendous athleticism and agility on the field. He is one player that would not need to do much if any reshaping of his body to move to tight end. And imagine being a defensive back seeing him bearing down on you.

For more, check out the entire entry at Blogging the Boys.

Denver Broncos: Matt Paradis at QB

I mean, could he really be worse than the wet-fart combination of Trevor Siemian and Brock Osweiler?

Head coach Vance Joseph did say he and the coaching staff were looking at everything in attempt to generate some wins for the Denver Broncos. This would be one change no one would see coming.

No one, except us. lol

For more, check out the entire entry at Mile High Report.

Miami Dolphins: Mike Pouncey in the backfield

This would prove once and for all which Pouncey brother is the most athletic.

But, I still think lining Pouncey up in the backfield and letting him run with the ball would be the better choice - and I would probably be pretty funny too.

And, it would prove that the Dolphins’ Pouncey is a better athlete than his twin brother, Pittsburgh Steelers center Maurkice Pouncey - who was not the choice of Behind the Steel Curtain for this question. Just sad.

For more, check out the entire entry at the Phinsider.

San Francisco 49ers: It could be either Joe Staley or Trent Brown

The Niners’ offensive line has been so shaky that it’s probably best to just let these guys try to protect the quarterback instead of branching out right now.

Staley is the easy call, but what about Trent Brown? He’s a monster of a man, but most everybody raves about his exceptional athleticism. I don’t expect to see trick plays right now given all the injuries and other issues, but at some point, imagine making Brown a tackle eligible for goal line or other short yardage situations? He stands 6’8, and could be a ridiculous mismatch in the right situation. He would actually need to catch passes, but imagine what it would be like to be a defensive player seeing a 6’8, 350 pound pass catcher coming your way?

For more, check out the entire entry at Niners Nation.

New York Giants: Maybe Justin Pugh?

The Giants’ offensive line has been a catastrophe this season. Better to leave this alone.

First of all, I can’t really picture anyone on the Giants’ offensive line being athletic enough to play anywhere else. Maybe Justin Pugh, that’s about it. Second of all, the Giants are 1-7 and in turmoil. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not really in the right frame of mind to consider this one.

For more, check out the entire entry at Big Blue View.

Houston Texans: Julie’n Davenport by default

I realize this is a stretch, what with the majority of Houston’s offensive linemen not being particularly good at playing along the offensive line; asking which one could master a totally different skill-set may seem unreasonable. Nevertheless, we march on!

Yikes. There’s no doubt (Nick) Martin’s the best of the lot, but do you see him playing a skill position? I don’t. I suppose I’d lean (Julie’n) Davenport here based purely on athleticism. What say you?

For more, check out the entire entry at Battle Red Blog.

Kansas City Chiefs: Mitchell Schwartz at QB

The Chiefs are set at quarterback. But Schwartz started his high school career at quarterback, so he has some experience there. But they’re probably better off keeping Schwartz right where he is. Look no farther than his game against Von Miller as proof.

Schwartz’s performance on Monday night against Von Miller was one of the ups and that’s good because you signed him for this game. He was really solid against Miller, who is arguably the best pass rusher in the NFL (but wasn’t the best pass rusher on the field last night — that was Justin Houston).

For more, check out the entire entry at Arrowhead Pride.

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batslime · 7 years

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Driving with animals on the road

TW for car accidents and animal death

Uuuh because spring is upon us and more animals are gonna be out and about I wanted to warn all my younger followers and general new drivers,

( please feel free to rb and correct/ add anything )

1. Try your very hardest to condition yourself to not brake for animals. It’s horrible but this is dangerous because you’re more than likely not going to be able to stop in time, especially on the highway, the way your car tilts when you slam the brakes makes it more likely to send the animal flying at your windshield, and anybody traveling behind you is only going to have as much time to react as is between them seeing your brake lights and being upon you

The awfulness of knowing it’s better to hit the animal then to try to brake for it aside, I know this can be hard because when you’re new to driving it’s just a REACTION to stop. A lot of your driver’s ed training tends to be in town, where it’s so heavily stressed to brake if you see anybody run in front of you, you just do it without thinking. This is really important to be aware of and try to train yourself not to do early on to avoid big accidents caused by braking on the highway.

2. If you do hit the animal, try to find a safe place further away but still in sight so you can pull over and call someone. Do NOT get out of the car unless the animal is nowhere near and do NOT approach it- even small or domesticated animals WILL attack you in the blind panic and pain they’re in. I was sent to the emergency room after hitting a relatively small dog because I panicked and thought I could help and it bit my dominant arm and ripped out fatty tissue- it would have EASILY had a shot at my face or neck. I got lucky.

Try to assess any damage to your car and if you feel you need to you can call 911, or any nearby animal shelters who will either direct you to or call any other appropriate persons yourself. Do not try to approach the animal to assess the damage yourself- this may be impossible to do anyway, as you don’t necessarily know what kind of internal damage it’s gone through if you ran over its torso.

If the animal is small enough ( up to the size of a oppossum or raccoon ) and from far away you can tell that they’re not moving much, and is probably dying, and you feel safe enough and INCLINED to approach to spare it more time suffering, your ice pick or any other kind of rod or large sturdy branch can be placed across the base of the back of it’s skull ( make sure they are laying belly down ), stand on both sides of the rod, grab its feet, and pull HARD. This should be enough to disconnect the spinal cord from its brain. If you have a knife this would be a good time to use it to make SURE it is disconnected, and if you want to take extra measures you can cut its throat or behead it. Or better yet if you have a gun obviously, this would be a good time to use it if you feel inclined.

This sounds gruesome but it is a relatively sure way on the sudden to keep the animal from hurting more but it cannot be guaranteed that you don’t just paralyze it either, and in the case of you not being strong or quick enough you could even just hurt it more and make it mad. For this reason I DO NOT recommend this at all unless you have hunting or farming background or are somebody who solid experience with the kind of animal before. The animal being hurt is sad, but there’s no reason for you to get yourself hurt too ( or risk hurting the animal more ), trying to assist in ways that you simply can’t. Approaching the animal after hitting it is also not usually included as the accident if you get hurt, so insurance tends to leave you hanging on any ambulance or hospital fees. Again, I DO NOT encourage approaching hurt animals.

If you DO get out and the animal starts to come after you, even if it is dragging itself, RUN back to your car or away from it or whichever is safest in the situation! If it is near your car when you reach it it could be best to keep running depending on its speed so that it doesn’t catch you while you’re bent over, and DO NOT attempt to get into or grab anything from the car if it gets in! Do NOT underestimate a hurt animal, even dragging itself. This is what happened when I hit the dog and it got a FIRM hold of my entire dominant arm in its mouth as I tried to grab my phone from the center console. If you can’t get your phone, wait for another driver and try to wave them down. Do NOT risk getting into close quarters with the animal. This is just another reason you should NOT approach the animal, leave the car, or even open the door or window no matter how compelled you may feel to help.

TLDR

DON’T brake for animals on the road

If this is reactionary for you, try your best to keep from reacting on the pedals

If you hit the animal, find someplace where you can still see the animal but is NOT close to them to pull over

Do NOT leave the car if you’re not far away. If you are, try to assess any damage to your car and if the animal is moving. Try to see if it’s dragging itself or rolling around- Dragging could just mean the leg/ tail was run over, rolling around and twitching will almost always mean the animal was hit or run over anywhere from their face to their torso and is more than likely dying.

Call 911 if you feel appropriate, if you got hurt from the impact if you weren’t buckled or the animal was large, call any nearby vets, DNR, or game warden if you can get their number. If they can’t help, they can either connect you to or suggest you someone who can.

In the world we live in this is unfortunately not uncommon and animals will unsuspectingly wander into roads- this does not make hitting them your fault. They don’t know better and there’s not a lot you can do if they don’t get out of the way. It can be absolutely guilt-racking the first time you hit an animal and even after that, and for a long time afterwards it’s normal to be apprehensive of or afraid of cars, driving, and any animals involved in the accident. It’s a horribly experience and I wish it never happened but being prepared and knowing what to do and what not to do if it happens it the best thing we can do.

If anybody has anything they’re like to correct or add please by all means feel free! It by no means hurts my feelings or anything to get better information about this kind of stuff.

Drive safe everybody

#ok to rb and i encourage it it was just a lot and imo after dealing w trauma like this one of the last things anybody wants to randomly #come across lol #driving #driving safety #drive safe

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