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#good vibes

Please say a prayer and send some god vibes to my mom. She is in the hospital and has tested positive for Covid-19. She is very high risk from having heart surgery and some lung/liver issues. Overall, she is doing okay and it could be a lot worst. She is having to get some blood because her INR levels are too low.

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Typical Saturday night of drinking and dancing around my kitchen in my underwear while my cat judges me immensely.

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You can bet that, never gotta swear that,

boy you too fly, need wings as a back tatt.

with a smile so bright, I just can’t resist,

gotta kiss all on your lips, you like when I’m forward, so I persist.

hate when you gotta leave and say so long,

but it’s like you never left when I put on my song.

full of fun stories, the vibes so real and not so serious,

you deserve absolutely everything to allow your greatest experience.

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Uh my day, Maina, mental health update? It’s a whole ramble I’m not even gonna reread it before I post it. It’s a brain dump and a very happy brain dump. 🥰

You guys I have had the absolute best day ever. I went out to brunch with my friend Maina that I have not seen in months. We got a flight of five mimosas at brunch and sat and talked for 2 hours. We walked around downtown Tempe and went into (2) cute little boutiques. There was only a few people in the store as us and with masks of course. Anyway, we talked about everything that happened last year and how proud of ourselves we are for making it through that hellish year. I swear, Maina and I, our souls were cut from the same cloth. At brunch, she told me how much of an impact I had on her life. She talks about her feelings now and expresses emotions instead of bottling them up and completely shutting down. I honestly cried a bit when she said it because six weeks ago, I really didn’t see any point to living anymore. I didn’t feel like I made any difference whatsoever but she told me different. She stated “I hope you know how very important you are and how many lives you touch all the time without realizing it.” Typing this I’m weeping honestly. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt like a ghost in every aspect of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very loud and I do demand attention but there are very, very few people I can connect and relate with. Maina understands how goddamn dark it gets with my depression and my abandonment issues because in her own ways, she’s experienced it too. We’re not letting it win though, we’re doing everything we can to the best of our ability given the circumstances. She also expressed how proud of me she was with how far I’ve come in my own business. Legit, 10 weeks ago I was sprucing up my resume and applying for new jobs. I didn’t want to go back to running my business, I took 2 months off because the thought of it triggered an anxiety attack. But now that I’ve been on my new medication for 2 ½ months and have been going to therapy etc I was ready to go back to work. So I did January 4th and honestly, I’m kicking ass. I was awarded the top member of the week that has gone above and beyond and it feels great to be back in the saddle again. I feel silly for ever even thinking about quitting and looking for another job. I can do this job, I just never believed in myself thag I could. And honestly, I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was doing it to spite my step dad and my mom and my dad, I knew they didn’t approve of it and told me numerous times to move on. I guess, when I realized that, I saw how wrong it was and how much that was disservicing me. I used to live to please people and to live up to my family’s expectations, despite the fact I hate expectations, but I have finally realized, none of that matters. My opinion and happiness is what matters and I’m tired of being the chameleon, always modifying myself to fit the mold. I’m unique and one of a kind, I’m tired of diluting myself and I won’t stand for it anymore. I think I’m getting off topic here, but Maina reminded me of how much I have to be proud of. She reminded me I am strong and resilient and a bad ass businesswoman. I just needed a couple months to get me mental health in order. I mean seriously, I have chronic depression, anxiety and PTSD and I’m out here living on 100% commission. I didn’t work for 2 months and I was still able to pay my bills till January. I came back to work and I’m getting the job done, I’m doing what needs to be done and I’m doing it with a smile on my face. I’m putting business in on the weekend from my personal voicemails I leave. My application process takes on average 1-1.5 hours because I spend so much time building rapport and laughing with my clients, but also understanding what their needs are. I do everything with good intentions, that’s not to say I’m not ignorant or outspoken in situations I shouldn’t be, but it is never intentional. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Maina reminded me of who I really am. It’s like she shook me and forced me to look into a mirror that shows your soul and aura.. idk if that even makes sense but it does to me.

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My sister is so cute she had her girlfriend over and we watched sports anime while they cuddled on the couch together and I-

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Todays a “im the main character” kinda day. You know what i mean?

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