#googles how to kill myself without hurting anyone

[torifuckingspring]

google how do i kill myself without hurting anyone

[thecasualbookreviewer]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Foxhole Court, Nora Sakavic

Summary:

Neil Josten is the newest addition to the Palmetto State University Exy team. He's short, he's fast, he's got a ton of potential - and he's the runaway son of the murderous crime lord known as The Butcher.

Signing a contract with the PSU Foxes is the last thing a guy like Neil should do. The team is high profile and he doesn't need sports crews broadcasting pictures of his face around the nation. His lies will hold up only so long under this kind of scrutiny and the truth will get him killed.

But Neil's not the only one with secrets on the team. One of Neil's new teammates is a friend from his old life, and Neil can't walk away from him a second time. Neil has survived the last eight years by running. Maybe he's finally found someone and something worth fighting for.

Review:

Before I recommend this book to anyone, and aside from the summary, I would recommend to google the very extensive trigger warning list for this entire series, it's very long, and very dark, but I would hate for anyone to get hurt by it, in the first book alone there's suicide, use of drugs, with and without consent, past child abuse and so much violence, so please be careful.

I haven't read a dark series in a long time, I had no idea this series existed, a friend proposed it for our small book club and, after some research, we all agreed to read it. I didn't know what to expect plot wise but I found myself actually enjoying it.

There's a lot of fucked up characters, and they are complex in their own ways which made a very interesting read, since I wasn't only trying to figure out our protagonist but the rests of the characters as well.

Despite all the dark themes and violence, it makes for a fast read, once you get into the story you want to keep reading it, with all its dark twists and turns, and the way things seem to come up with you least expect them to, it keeps you in your toes. It's well written and easy to follow. There were a couple of details that kinda put me off, which is why i ended up at 4 stars instead of 5, but it was still a very good read; we shall see how the rest of the series goes!

#the casual book reviewer reviews #the foxhole court #nora sakavic #book review #booklr

[96harmony96]

Chapter 11

I reclined with my eyes closed, my back cradled against Lauren’s chest, listening to the sound of lapping water as her hands glided lazily over me in the claw-foot tub.

She’d washed my hair and then my body, pampering me, spoiling me. I knew she was making up for last night and the method she’d used to get me to face the truth—a truth she’d clearly known but needed me to see as well.

How did she know me so well . . . better than I knew myself?

“Tell me about him,” she murmured, her arms wrapping around my waist.

I took a deep breath. I’d been waiting for her to ask about Brett. I knew Lauren well, too. “First, tell me if he’s okay.”

There was a pause before she answered. “There’s no permanent damage. Would you care if there was?”

“Of course I’d care.” I heard her teeth grind.

“I want to know about you two,” she demanded tightly.

“No.”

“Camila . . .”

“Don’t take that tone with me, Lauren. I’m tired of being an open book for you while you hoard all your secrets.” My head rolled to the side so that my cheek was pressed against her damp chest. “If all I get of you is your body, I’ll take it. But I can’t give you more in return.”

“You mean you won’t. Let’s be—”

“I can’t.” I pulled away from her, twisting so that I faced her. “Look what it’s doing to me! I hurt you last night. On purpose. Without even realizing it, because the resentment is eating at me even while I’m convincing myself that I can live with everything you’re not telling me.”

Sitting up, she spread her arms. “I’m wide open for you, Camila! You’re making it sound like you don’t know me . . . that all we have is sex . . . when you know me better than anyone else.”

“Let’s talk about what I don’t know. Why do you own so much of Vidal Records? Why do you hate your family home? Why are you estranged from your parents? What’s between you and Dr. Terrence Lucas? Where’d you go the other night when I had that nightmare? What’s behind your nightmares? Why—”

“Enough!” she snapped, shoving her hands through her wet hair.

I settled back, watching and waiting as she clearly struggled with herself. “You should know you can tell me anything,” I said softly.

“Can I?” she pierced me with her gaze. “Don’t you have enough to look past as it is? How much shit can I pile on you before you run like hell?”

Laying my arms along the rim of the tub, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. “Okay, then. We’ll just be fuck buddies who bitch to a therapist once a week. Good to know.”

“I screwed her,” she spat. “There. Do you feel better?”

I shot up so fast, water surged over the edge of the tub. My stomach cramped. “You screwed Corinne?”

“No, damn it.” Her face was flushed. “Lucas’s wife.”

“Oh . . .” I remembered the photo I’d found of her through my Google search. “She’s a redhead,” I said lamely.

“My attraction to Anne was based entirely on her relationship to Lucas.”

I frowned, confused. “So things were off between you and Dr. Lucas before you slept with his wife? Or because of it?”

Lauren set her elbow on the side of the tub and scrubbed at her face. “He alienated me from my family. I returned the favor.”

“You broke them up?”

“I broke her.” She exhaled harshly. “She came on to me at a fund-raiser. I brushed her off until I learned who she was. I knew it’d kill Lucas to know I’d banged her, and the opening was there so I took it. It was just supposed to be that once, but Anne contacted me the next day. Because it would hurt him more to know she couldn’t get enough, I let it go on. When she was ready to leave him for me, I sent her back to her husband.”

I stared at her, noting her defiant embarrassment. She would do it again, but she was ashamed of what she’d done.

“Say something!” she snapped.

“Did she think you loved her?”

“No. Fuck. I’m an asshole for nailing another man’s wife, but I didn’t promise her anything. I was screwing Lucas through her—I didn’t expect for her to become collateral damage. I wouldn’t have let it get that far, if I had.”

“Lauren.” I sighed and shook my head.

“What?” She was practically bristling with restless, anxious energy. “Why did you say my name like that?”

“Because you’re ridiculously dense for such a smart girl. You were sleeping with her regularly and didn’t expect her to fall in love with you?”

“Jesus.” Her head fell back with a groan. “Not this again.”

Then she straightened abruptly. “Actually, you know what? You keep on thinking I’m God’s gift to women, angel. It’s better for me if you believe I’m the best you can get.”

I splashed her. The ease with which she dismissed her appeal was another way she mirrored me. We knew our strengths and played up our assets. But we couldn’t see what made us unique enough for someone to really love us.

Lauren lunged forward and caught my hands. “Now, tell me what the fuck you had with Brett Kline.”

“You didn’t tell me what Dr. Lucas did to piss you off.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Not the details,” I argued.

“It’s your turn to spill. Out with it.”

It took me a long time to get the words out. No woman wanted a recovering slut for their girlfriend. But Lauren waited patiently. Obstinately. I knew she wasn’t going to let me get out of the tub until I told her about Brett.

“I was nothing but a convenient fuck for Brett,” I confessed in a rush, wanting to get it over with, “and I put up with it—went out of my way for it—because in that period of my life, sex was the only way I knew how to feel loved.”

“He wrote a love song about you, Camila.”

I looked away. “The truth wouldn’t make much of a ballad, would it?”

“Did you love him?”

“I— No.” I looked at Lauren when she exhaled audibly, as if she’d been holding her breath. “I had a crush on him and the way he sings, but it was totally superficial. I never got to really know him.”

Her entire body visibly relaxed. “He was part of a . . . phase? That’s it?”

I nodded and tried to pull my hands free of hers, wishing I could get past my feelings of shame. I didn’t blame Brett or any of the guys who’d drifted through my life then. I had no one to blame but myself.

“Come here.” Lauren caught me by the waist and pulled me closer, tucking me against her chest again. Her embrace was the most wonderful feeling in the world. Her hands stroked the length of my spine, gentling me. “I won’t lie. I want to beat the hell out of any man who’s had you—you’d be smart to keep them the hell away from me—but nothing in your past can change how I feel about you. And God knows I’m no saint.”

“I wish I could make it go away,” I whispered. “I don’t like remembering the girl I was then.”

She rested her chin atop the crown of my head. “I get it. It didn’t matter how long I showered after I’d been with Anne, it was never long enough to feel clean.”

I tightened my arms around her waist, giving comfort and acceptance. And gratefully accepting both in return.

* * *

 The white silk robe I found hanging in the closet was gorgeous. It was lined with the softest terrycloth and embroidered with silver thread at the cuffs. I loved it, which was a good thing since it was, apparently, the only article of clothing for me in the entire house.

I watched Lauren pull on a pair of black silk pajama pants and tie the drawstring. “Why do you get clothes and I get a robe?”

She glanced up at me through a lock of inky hair that draped over her brow. “Because I’m the one who arranged everything?”

“Fiend.”

“Just makes it easier for me to keep up with your insatiable sexual demands.”

“My insatiable demands?” I headed into the bathroom to take the towel off my head. “I clearly remember begging to be left alone last night. Or was it this morning, after an all-nighter?”

She filled the doorway behind me. “You’ll be begging again tonight, too. I’ll go make some coffee.”

In the mirror, I watched her turn away and saw the darkening bruise on her side. It was low on her back, where I hadn’t had a chance to see it before. I spun around. “Lauren! You’re hurt. Let me see.”

“I’m fine.” She was partway down the stairs before I could stop her. “Don’t take too long.”

Guilt swamped me, and a terrible urge to cry. My hand shook as I ran a wide-toothed comb through my damp hair. The bathroom had been stocked with my usual toiletries, demonstrating once again how thoughtful and attentive Lauren was, which only emphasized my deficits. I was making her life hell. After all she’d already suffered, my issues were the last thing she needed to deal with.

I took the stairs down to the first floor and found myself unable to join Lauren in the kitchen. I needed a minute to pull myself together and put on a happy face. I didn’t want to ruin the weekend for her, too.

I stepped out through the French doors that led to the deck. The roar of the surf and the biting salt spray hit me at once. The hem of my robe whipped gently in the ocean breeze, cooling me in a way I found invigorating.

Taking a deep breath, I gripped the railing and closed my eyes, trying to find the peace I needed to keep Lauren from worrying. My problem was me, and I didn’t want to concern her with something she couldn’t change. Only I could make myself a stronger person, and I needed to, if I wanted to make her happy and offer her the security she so desperately wanted from me.

The door opened behind me, and I took a deep breath before turning to face her with a smile. Lauren came out with two steaming mugs gripped in one hand—one filled with black coffee and the other lightened with half-and-half. I knew it would be made perfectly to my tastes and delicious, because Lauren knew exactly what I liked. Not because I’d told her, but because she paid attention to everything about me.

“Stop beating yourself up,” she ordered sternly, setting the mugs on the railing.

I sighed. Of course I couldn’t hide my mood from her with just a smile. She saw right through me.

She caught my face in her hands and glared down at me. “It’s over and done with. Forget it.”

I reached out and ran my fingertips over the place where I’d seen the bruise.

“It needed to happen,” she said curtly. “No. Shut up and listen to me. I thought I understood your feelings about Corinne, and, frankly, I thought you just weren’t dealing with it well. But I had no clue. I was a self-centered idiot.”

“I’m not dealing with it well. I hate her fucking guts. I can’t think about her without feeling violent.”

“I get it now. I didn’t before.” Her mouth twisted ruefully. “Sometimes it takes something drastic to shake me up. Luckily, you’ve always been very good at getting my attention.”

“Don’t try to tease this away, Lauren. You could’ve been seriously hurt because of me.”

She caught me by the waist when I would’ve turned away. “I was seriously hurt because of you. Seeing you in another guy’s arms, kissing him . . .” Her eyes grew hot and dark. “It shredded me, Camila. Cut me open and left me bleeding. I kicked his ass in self-defense.”

“Oh, God,” I breathed, devastated by her brutal honesty. “Lauren.”

“I’m disgusted with myself for not being more understanding about Corinne. If a kiss could make me feel like that . . .” She wrapped her arms tight around me, one arm banding my hips while the other crossed my back so she could grip the back of my head. Capturing me.

“If you ever cheated on me,” she said hoarsely, “it would kill me.”

Turning my head, I pressed my lips to her throat. “That stupid kiss meant nothing. Less than nothing.”

Her hand gripped my hair and tilted my head back. “You don’t understand what your kisses mean to me, Camila. For you to just give one away and call it stupid—”

Lauren dipped her head and sealed her mouth over mine. It started softly, sweet and teasing, her tongue stroking across my bottom lip. I opened my mouth, my tongue flicking out to touch her. she tilted her head and licked into my mouth. Fast, shallow licks that stirred a simmering desire.

I reached up and slid my fingers into her damp hair, pushing up onto my tiptoes to deepen the kiss. I moaned when she sucked on my tongue, leaning heavily against her. Her lips moved against mine, growing wetter and hotter. We ate at each other, growing wilder by the second until we were fucking each other’s mouths, passionately mating with lips and tongues and tiny bites. I was panting with my hunger for her, my lips slanting over her, needy sounds spilling from my throat.

Her kisses were gifts. She kissed with everything she had, with power and passion and hunger and love. she held nothing back, giving everything, exposing everything.

Tension gripped her powerful frame, her rough satin skin growing feverishly hot. Her tongue was plunging into my mouth, tangling with mine, her quickened breaths mingling with my own and filling my lungs. My senses were drenched in her, in her flavor and scent, my mind spinning as I angled my head, seeking a deeper taste. Wanting to lick deeper, suck harder. Devour.

I wanted her so much.

Her hands ran up and down my spine, trembling and restless. She groaned and my sex tightened in answer. Tugging at the belt of my robe, she loosened it, spreading open the halves to grip my bare hips in her hands. She tugged on my lower lip, sinking her teeth into it, her tongue caressing it. I whimpered, wanting more, my mouth feeling swollen and sensitive.

No matter how close we were, it was never close enough.

Lauren gripped both cheeks of my ass and pulled me up hard against her, her erection like hot steel burning my belly through the thin silk of her pants. She released my lip and took my mouth again, filling me with the taste of her desire and need, her tongue a velvet lash of tormenting pleasure.

A hard shudder shook her and she growled, her hips circling. Her fingers bit into my rear and her groan vibrated against my lips. I felt her cock jerk between us, then scorching warmth spread over my skin. She came with a tormented groan, soaking the silk between us.

I cried out, melting and aching, so insanely aroused by the knowledge that I could make her lose control with just a kiss.

Her grip loosened, her lungs heaving. “Your kisses are mine.”

“Yes. Lauren . . .” I was shaken, left emotionally raw and open by the most erotic moment of my life.

She sank to her knees and tongued me to a shattering climax.

* * *

 We showered and napped the morning away. It felt so good to sleep beside her again, with my head pillowed on her chest, my arm draped over her rock-hard stomach, and my legs tangled with hers.

When we woke shortly after one in the afternoon, I was starving. We headed down to the kitchen together and I found that I liked the ultra-stark modern look in that space. The watered-glass cabinet doors and granite paired beautifully with the dark hardwood. Better yet, the pantry was fully stocked. There was no need to leave the house for anything.

We went the easy route and made sandwiches, which we took into the living room and ate cross-legged on the couch facing each other.

I was halfway through when I caught Lauren watching me with a grin.

“What?” I asked, around a bite.

“Arnoldo’s right. It’s fun watching you eat.”

“Shut up.”

Her grin widened. She looked so carefree and happy it made my heart hurt.

“How did you find this place?” I asked her. “Or how did Scott find it?”

“I found it.” She shoved a potato chip in her mouth and licked the salt from her lips, which I found sexy as hell. “I wanted to take you away to an island, where no one could bother us. This is pretty close to that, without the travel time. I planned for us to fly down originally.”

I ate thoughtfully, remembering the long drive. As insanity-inducing as the trip had been, there was something exciting about the idea of her rearranging our schedule just to fuck me senseless over hours, using my need for her to face a truth I’d blocked. Imagining all the frustration and fury that must have driven her plans . . . her thoughts focused on unleashing all of that seething passion on my helpless, willing body . . .

“You’re getting that fuck-me look on your face,” she observed. “And you call me a sex fiend.”

“Sorry.”

“Not complaining.”

I rewound my thoughts to earlier in the evening. “Arnoldo doesn’t like me anymore.”

One dark brow arched. “You’re getting the fuck-me look and thinking about Arnoldo? Do I have to kick his ass now, too?”

“No. Jeez. I threw that out there to distract us from sex and because it needs to be addressed.”

She shrugged. “I’ll talk to him.”

“I think I should do it, for what it’s worth.”

Lauren studied me with those amazing blue eyes. “What would you say?”

“That he’s right. I don’t deserve you and I fucked up bad. But I’m crazy in love with you and I’d like a chance to prove to you both that I can be what you need.”

“Angel, if I needed you more, I couldn’t function.” She lifted my hand to her lips to kiss my fingertips. “And I don’t care what anyone else thinks. We’ve got our own rhythm and it works for us.”

“Does it work for you?” I grabbed my bottle of iced tea off the coffee table and took a drink. “I know it drains you. Do you ever think it’s just too hard or too painful?”

“You do realize how suggestive that sounds, right?”

“Oh my God.” I laughed. “You’re terrible.”

Her eyes sparkled with amusement. “That’s not what you usually say.”

Shaking my head, I went back to eating.

“I’d rather argue with you, angel, than laugh with anyone else.”

Jesus. It took me a minute to be able to swallow the last bite in my mouth. “You know . . . I love you madly.”

She smiled. “Yes, I know.”

* * *

 After we’d cleaned up the mess from lunch, I tossed the sponge into the sink and said, “I need to make my Saturday phone call to my dad.”

Lauren shook her head. “Not possible. You’ll have to wait ’til Monday.”

“Huh? Why?”

She caged me to the counter by gripping the edge on either side of me. “No phones.”

“Are you serious? What about your cell phone?” I’d left mine at home before we went to the concert, knowing I had no place to carry it and having no intention of using it anyway.

“It’s heading back to New York with the limo. No Internet, either. I had the modem and phones taken out before we got here.”

I was speechless. With all the responsibilities and commitments she had, cutting herself off for the weekend was . . . unbelievable. “Wow. When’s the last time you fell off the face of the earth like this?”

“Hmm . . . that would be never.”

“There have to be at least a half dozen people freaking out because they can’t run something by you.”

She lifted one shoulder in a careless shrug. “They’ll deal with it.”

Pleasure surged through me. “I have you all to myself?”

“Completely.” Her mouth curved in a wicked smile. “What will you do with me, angel?”

I smiled back, ecstatically happy. “I’m sure I’ll think of something.”

* * *

 We went for a walk on the beach.

I rolled up a pair of Lauren’s pajama bottoms and put on my white tank top, which was indecent since my bra was heading back to New York along with Lauren’s cell phone.

“I have died and gone to heaven,” she pronounced, checking out my chest as we strolled along the shore, “where the embodiment of every wet-dream, spank-bank fantasy of my adolescence is real and totally mine.”

I bumped my shoulder into hers. “How do you go from devastatingly romantic to crude in the space of an hour?”

“It’s another one of my many talents.” Her gaze dropped again to the prominent points of my nipples, which were hard from exposure to the ocean breeze. She squeezed my hand and gave an exaggerated happy sigh. “Heaven with my angel. It doesn’t get any better than this.”

I had to agree. The beach was beautiful in a moody, untamed way that reminded me a lot of the woman whose hand I held. The sounds of the surf and the crying of the gulls filled me with a unique sense of contentment. The water was cold on my bare feet, and the wind whipped my hair across my face. It had been a long time since I’d felt so good, and I was grateful to Lauren for giving us this time away to enjoy each other. We were perfect together when we were alone.

“You like it here,” she noted.

“I’ve always loved being close to the water. My mother’s second husband had a lake house. I remember walking along the shore like this with her and thinking I’d buy something on the water for myself one day.”

She released my hand and draped her arm around my shoulders instead. “So let’s do it. How about this place? You like it?”

I glanced up at her, loving the sight of the wind sifting through her hair. “Is it for sale?”

She looked down the stretch of beach in front of us. “Everything’s for sale at the right price.”

“Do you like it?”

“The interior’s a little cold with all that white, although I like the master bedroom the way it is. We could change all the rest. Make it more us.”

“Us,” I repeated, wondering what that would be. I loved her apartment with its old world elegance. I think she felt comfortable at my place, which was more modern traditional. Combining the two . . . “Big step, buying a property together.”

“Inevitable step,” she corrected. “You told Dr. Petersen failure isn’t an option.”

“Yep, I did.” We walked a little farther in silence. I tried to figure out how I felt about Lauren wanting to have a more tangible tie between us. I also wondered why she’d choose joint property ownership as the way to achieve it. “So I take it you like it here, too?”

“I like the beach.” She brushed her hair back from her face. “There’s a picture of me and my father building a sand castle on a beach.”

It was a miracle my steps didn’t falter. Lauren volunteered so little information about her past that when she did, it was nearly an earthshaking event. “I’d like to see it.”

“My mother has it.” We took a few more steps before she said, “I’ll get it for you.”

“I’ll go with you.” She hadn’t told me why yet, but she’d told me once that the Vidal home was a nightmare for her. I suspected that whatever was at the root of her parasomnia had taken place there.

Lauren’s chest expanded on a deep breath. “I can have it couriered.”

“All right.” I turned my head to kiss her bruised knuckles where they rested on my shoulder. “But my offer stands.”

“What did you think of my mother?” she asked suddenly.

“She’s very beautiful. Very elegant. She seemed gracious.” I studied her, seeing Elizabeth Vidal’s inky black hair and stunning blue eyes. “She also seems to love you a lot. It was in her eyes when she looked at you.”

She kept looking straight ahead. “She didn’t love me enough.”

My breath left me in a rush. Because I didn’t know what had given her such tormenting nightmares, I’d wondered if maybe she’d loved her too much. It was a relief to know that wasn’t the case. It was awful enough that her father committed suicide. To be betrayed by her mother, too, might be more than she could ever recover from.

“How much is enough, Lauren?”

Her jaw tightened. Her chest expanded on a deep breath. “She didn’t believe me.”

I came to a dead stop and pivoted to face her. “You told her what happened to you? You told her and she didn’t believe you?”

Her gaze was trained over my head. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s long done.”

“Bullshit. It matters. It matters a lot.” I was furious for her. Furious that a mother hadn’t done her job and stood by her child. Furious that the child had been Lauren. “I bet it hurts like fucking hell, too.”

Her gaze lowered to my face. “Look at you, so pissed off and upset. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“You should’ve said something earlier.”

The tension in her shoulders eased and her mouth curved ruefully. “I haven’t told you anything.”

“Lauren—”

“And of course you believe me, angel. You’ve had to sleep in a bed with me.”

I grabbed her face in my hands and stared hard up into her eyes. “I. Believe. You.”

Her face contorted with pain for a split second before she picked me up in a bear hug. “Camila.”

I slung my legs around her waist and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. “I believe you.”

* * *

 When we got back to the house, Lauren went into the kitchen to open a bottle of wine and I perused the bookshelves in the living room, smiling when I came across the first book in the series I’d told her about, the one where’d I’d picked up her nickname, ace.

We sprawled on the couch and I read to her while she played absently with my hair. She was in a pensive mood after our walk, her mind seemingly far from me. I didn’t resent that. We’d given each other a lot to think about over the last couple of days.

When the tide came in, it did indeed rush up under the house, which sounded amazing and looked even more so. We stepped out onto the deck and watched it ebb and flow, turning the house into an island in the surf.

“Let’s make s’mores,” I said, while leaning over the railing with Lauren wrapped around my back. “On that portable patio fireplace.”

Her teeth caught my earlobe and she whispered, “I want to lick melted chocolate off your body.”

Yes, please . . . I teased her, “Wouldn’t that burn?”

“Not if I do it right.”

I turned to face her, and she picked me up and sat me on the wide handrail. Then she stepped between my legs and hugged me around the hips. There was a wonderful peace that accompanied the twilight and we both sank into it. I ran my hands through her hair, just as the night breeze did.

“Have you talked to Ireland at all?” I asked, thinking of her half sister who was as beautiful as their mother. I’d met her at a Vidal Records party, and it became evident pretty quickly that she was hungry for any word or news about her eldest sister.

“No.”

“What do you think about bringing her over for dinner when my dad’s in town?”

Lauren’s head tilted to the side as she observed me. “You want to invite a seventeen-year-old to dinner with me and your dad.”

“No, I want your family to meet my family.”

“She’ll be bored.”

“How would you know?” I challenged. “In any case, I think your sister hero-worships you. As long as you pay attention to her, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.”

“Camila.” She sighed, clearly exasperated. “Be real. I haven’t the slightest idea how to entertain a teenage girl.”

“Ireland’s not some random kid, she’s—”

“She might as well be!” She scowled at me.

It struck me then. “You’re afraid of her.”

“Come on,” she scoffed.

“You are. She scares you.” And I doubted it had anything to do with her sister’s age or that she was a girl.

“What’s gotten into you?” she complained. “You’re stuck on Ireland. Leave her alone.”

“She’s the only family you’ve got, Lauren.” And I was willing to support that choice. Her half-brother Christopher was an asshole, and her mother didn’t deserve to have her in her life.

“I have you!”

“Baby.” I sighed and wrapped my legs around her. “Yes, you’ve got me. But there’s room for more people who love you in your life.”

“She doesn’t love me,” she muttered. “She doesn’t know me.”

“I think you’re wrong about that, but if not, she’d love you if she knew you. So let her know you.”

“Enough. Let’s go back to talking about s’mores.”

I tried to stare her down, but it was impossible. When she considered a subject exhausted, there was no continuing it. So I’d have to go around it instead.

“You wanna talk about s’mores, ace?” I traced my lower lip with my tongue. “All that melty gooey chocolate on our fingers.”

Lauren’s gaze narrowed.

I ran my splayed fingers over his shoulders and down his chest. “I could be persuaded to let you smear that chocolate all over me. I could also be persuaded to smear some all over you.”

Her brow arched. “Are you trying to bribe me with sex again?”

“Did I say that?” I blinked innocently. “I don’t think I said that.”

“It was implied. So let’s be clear.” Her voice was dangerously low, her eyes dark as her hand slid up under the hem of my tank top and cupped my bare breast. “I’ll invite Ireland to dinner with your father because it’ll make you happy and that makes me happy.”

“Thank you,” I said breathlessly, because she’d begun to tug rhythmically on my nipple, making me whimper in delight.

“I’m going to do whatever the hell I want with melted chocolate and your body because it’ll please me and that will please you. I say when, I say how. Repeat that.”

“You say—” I gasped as her mouth wrapped around my other nipple through the ribbed cotton. “Oh, God.”

She nipped me with her teeth. “Finish.”

My entire body tightened, so quick to respond to that authoritative tone. “You say when. You say how.”

“There are things you can bargain with, angel, but your body and sex aren’t negotiable.”

My hands clutched her hair, an instinctive response to her relentless, delicious milking of my sensitive nipple. I gave up trying to understand why I wanted her in control. I just did. “What else can I bargain with? You have everything.”

“Your time and attention are the two things you can leverage. I’ll do anything for them.”

A shiver moved through me. “I’m wet for you,” I whispered.

Lauren stepped away from the railing, carrying me with her. “Because that’s how I want you.”

#camren gip #camila and lauren #lauren and camila #camren fanfiction #camren shipper #camren smut #camrengip #laurengip

[wordsthatrunspoken13]

I went to Google ‘how to kill yourself without hurting anyone’,

and then I realised that wasn’t possible.

I began to picture my mums face, finding her youngest daughter. At my lowest points I try remind myself to not inflict that pain on someone else, who has always loved me. I think of future me, filled with hope that life does get better that I can be loved, and liked , and that my broken brain knows peace- if not by another human but by myself.

My depression tells me to kill myself on nights like tonight, but I fight one more day , one more day.

- me (written 3 years ago…always one more day)

#thoughts #personal #depression #lesbian #quoteoftheday #recovery #quotes #mental health #poetry #poetblr #poets corner #poetscommunity #poets on tumblr #written

[dianalolihikki]

Hey!💜

I was right! (Or rather, I concluded correctly)

Tomorrow I will meet K for the first time in my life.

When I heard about this from my mom an hour ago it caused my inner objection.

On the one hand, after all, I asked about this progress on the paperwork , and on the other hand I feel that I do not want to see him, that I do not want a new person in my life,I do not want a new physical therapist.

Or maybe it's because by the lack of contact from his side today all day I was sure that we will start only from Monday?

My first visit with K is to be spent on organizational matters and checking my walking skills. I will also have many questions for him. Mostly about what methods he works with.

I also wonder if he will be like in my imaginations.

Of course, I'm still afraid that it will all turn out to be a failure. I have had a very bad experience with state physical therapy. Most people with cerebral palsy rather avoid the state one,because it does not give them much, and often even worsens the condition. Therefore, there is a belief among most of us that only private physical therapy makes sense.

I texted N about what will happen tomorrow.

I asked her why K might care so much about starting physiotherapy sessions as soon as possible.

As I once mentioned N has been using state physiotherapy for three years and is very happy with the results ,she is starting to walk. She probably also knows all the rules that state physiotherapists have to follow, so I asked about this rush on K's part.

I will try to approach everything positively, since even E and B approach all this very positively.

Anyway, the fact that he helped me get all the paperwork done speaks very well of him.

In fact, he handled everything for me.

B will probably ask if he is handsome. Especially if he is the same physiotherapist as the one we found one day on google.

I'm terribly scared.

The physiotherapy session will start at 11:30 in the daytime.

I'll set my alarm clock for ten in the morning so I don't fall asleep, although I doubt I'll fall asleep.

💮💮💮💮

As I was writing all this, I imagined that I would surprise J and come to visit him for a week of physiotherapy. In my imagination, A and I keep it a secret and after I come and hug J from behind🩷.

Probably keeping the fact that I am coming a secret would not work, especially if I had a physiotherapy session with him, but no one has killed anyone yet for a dream,right?

I miss J VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY much.

I would give anything to have physiotherapy with him and A instead of K

I even cried when I wrote this.

I will definitely text A about how the first physiotherapy session with K🎀 went (if there's anything to say).

I hope I will see J again someday and that he doesn't hate me.

💮💮💮💮

Today was such an ordinary day.

I was at a physiotherapy session with E

We stayed all in the office. I was also right about my muscles being all stiff. Today I didn't really want to exercise, but luckily I forced myself.

I even managed to walk the whole hallway without crutches,just on my own legs.

It was not easy, my back hurt a lot after that, but I managed.🎀

Unfortunately, on the way back I had to stay alone in the car for a few moments. At first, at the post office. There it was the worst,because it still seemed to me that the car was about to roll down the hill, although it stood on level straight ground.

Then in the parking lot at the store it was a little better, although it still seemed to me that something was wrong. The seat of the car seemed higher than usual to me,but this could just be my fears.

Today my fears were greater than last time,but maybe this is the result of fatigue after physical therapy.

💮💮💮💮

Today my younger brother yelled at me because I refused to let his girlfriend take me to the toilet.

I don't mind her doing it, but my brain is working at odd speeds today and I thought I'd take advantage of her by doing so.

My brother was in a bad mood and was also easily upset. Now we talk normally.

Although at the time I refused to go to the toilet with my mother and held my urine for an hour. And it was stupidity on my part because somewhere since last November I have some harmless bacteria in my urine for which no antibiotic works.

💮💮💮💮

I am finishing for today.

I am terribly stressed.🎀

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #teacher attachment #physical disability #premature baby #physical therapist #physical therapy #i miss him #longing #teacher crush #unrequited affection #unrequited crush #long post #long reads

[fourth-quartet]

For the question for fic writer asks (hi bby <3): 6 (the idol au), 8, 21 (any fic), 26, 32, 45, 50 (I don't have a question to ask, I just wanna gush about your fic that you wrote for me. I still go back and read it because it's just so good and I'm forever grateful that you wrote it for me)

hi babe!!! <3 <3

6. What’s one fact about the universe of [the idol au] that you didn’t get a chance to mention in the fic itself?

There's so many!! ALT-R originally had 7 members, but there was a car accident a little before their debut and two members who were injured instead debuted in the next group after them. Woojin's brother is in jail. Part of why Gaon takes Woojin's crime so personally is because Gaon nursed a crush on Woojin for the better part of their career. Joonwoo is so goddamn tall.

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

Gonna put myself back in my middle school emo phase for a minute but Black Veil Brides' Lost It All auto-triggers a huge fantasy-esque battle in my head every time I listen to it and I think it'd be fun to write a fic to.

21. If you wrote a “missing scene” in [any fic - picking restless constructions], what would it be?

A scene where Isaac and Yohan kill Jisang together. So much of that fic is fostering their codependency and I think the only thing really missing is the moment where they kill their father together.

26. Would you rather write a fic that had no dialogue or one that was only dialogue?

No dialogue. I know somewhere in the depths of a google drive, there's an old Arrow fic that I wrote without dialogue.

32. What’s your ideal fic length to read?

It depends on how tired I am! I love a good long fic as much as anyone, but my brain starts to tap out after 10k if I'm tired and then bite-sized chunks are easier for me.

45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic?

Definitely plotting. I was NOT a plotter before I started up writing fic again.

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

Eidetic memory Yohan is one of my favorite tropes and I did not use it nearly enough. I'm so glad it worked in that fic!!

(In my head, it does not take that long for them to end up more friends than enemies. One time of Gaon getting hurt and Yohan protecting him, or Gaon getting caught and Yohan bailing him out. One time of them bickering. One time of K arguing with Yohan and Gaon overhearing Yohan defend him.)

Fic-gifting is my love language. <3 :D

send me asks! | questions for writers

#took answers #moot tag #sass tag

[fionacle]

read tags before proceeding i’m still talking about gross stuff (long post)

this post isn’t saying that you can’t/shouldn’t want a baby/to be pregnant/to give birth, but it does talk about why one wouldn’t want to, so if you’d rather not read then don’t. note that if any information is inaccurate that’s because the most research i did for this post was googling ‘are babies parasites’ and reading the first sentence of the first result. i am 17 and have never been pregnant or done anything that could get me pregnant. this is a post about fears and discomforts based on observations and memories. this also refers to having vagina + boobs, not everyone who gives birth has boobs, and some HAD a vagina but don’t anymore, but the typical people who try to force kids on you are cis people with typical genitals, so i want to talk about them. especially since i, while being trans and having dysphoria about my chest, have those parts myself. if there’s any part of the pregnancy experience i describe as negative that you see otherwise please don’t be mad, once again this is a post about how i feel.

it’s so bizarre to me that it’s so expected to want to. i know why it’s the norm, when you have such a big milestone in your life you expect it for other people, most people get paternal instincts, and having babies continues the species. but think about it. i won’t get into why you may or may not want to make a baby but there’s artificial insemination anyway so what does it matter. my point is i’m uncomfortable with being intimate, and don’t want someone else’s dna inside me, so that’s step one off the shelf so easily, and all anyone can say is ‘you’ll grow out of those feelings’ (which only makes someone angrier about the thought of pregnancy).

anyway now you have one in you. it’s growing. there is an organism inside of you. people talk about that as so pleasant, but it feels like an alien movie to me. i don’t think baby’s are actually technically parasites, but they function a lot like one in my opinion. they’re attached to you. they suck out your resources for themselves. no matter what you do there is a living thing inside of you and that is a horror i cannot begin to fathom being desirable. did you know lice live under your skin? to me having a baby within me sounds comparable to having a tapeworm. then there’s complications. if you have a miscarriage, you may have to carry a corpse within you to term. dead flesh inside of you. for months. things like that. you get hormones that make you obsessive, rearranging your “nest”, strange cravings. and you have to restrict your intake for the health of the baby. eat more vegetables so it gets vitamins, i don’t anyway but not drugs or alcohol because that could mess up the baby. no excessive activity for most because it could hurt the baby if you fall on your stomach or something, later in the pregnancy the baby bump may be so big some activities aren’t even an option anymore.

now you’re giving birth. ow. fucking ow. labor sucked and you soaked your pants with the water breaking. assuming you’re having a hospital pregnancy, you better pray you have someone you love in the room holding your hand. you better pray the pain medicine kicks in. no matter what, you feel a little body shoving through your hole, and some fuckin guy’s head is between your legs. they’re saying ‘push! push!’ but you barely know what that means! what if the baby comes out feet-first and gets choked by the umbilical cord? this thing you worked so hard to get could just die before you even hold it. assuming you WANT the baby, that’s a huge loss too, and you’ll probably have a whole room prepared that you’ll never be able to look at again without dying a bit, will you give up or try again? another 3/4 year dedicated to some creature you’ve never met and don’t know the fate of. you could also have a c-section, wow a tummy scar that’s fun. that pregnancy and birth could’ve killed you. if you’d had an abortion it could’ve killed you too.

you could also adopt.

so you have your baby. what’s the problem now? first off, potential health problems. what if your baby has a bad heart? what if it’s missing skin on its face or has some other deformity? you should love your child just the same and this doesn’t diminish their worth, but you were expecting a perfect one. a healthy one. maybe you knew about the complications before the birth, but now you have to look at them on your own baby.

your baby is home. you now have to spend a fortune feeding and clothing and teaching it. can you afford that? can you handle the responsibility? do you have others in your life willing to help? if you can’t handle this baby and give it away, will the hormones your body made to make you attached to this baby tear you apart? you’re still lactating, if you don’t empty your boobs that’s gonna swell and hurt and maybe even get infected. what if you keep the baby, but give it all the same traumas your parents gave you. what if you miss milestones? what if there’s another caretaker actively hurting your child but you don’t know how to stop them?

you’ll lose friends too. child—havers tend to stick together, and it’s not all, but there are people without kid who will leave you for having them. they think you’re boring now, or you just can’t relate to each other anymore. your life is your baby, and now you’re not your own person anymore. your child will struggle to see you as a full person too, since you’re their god. you can choose to prioritize yourself, but then aren’t you a bad parent?

your baby grows up. your baby is in school. they’re not your baby, they’re your kid. they’re getting bullied. what do you do? will the pain and shock of your little one being a victim make you scream at them? will you have any actually helpful advice?

your child is even older now. uh oh, they’re showing signs of neurodivergence. maybe even queerness. if you’re against these things, you’ll push back and make them hide themself from you and others, maybe even themself, hurting them in the long run. you don’t know how to deal with these things, you didn’t sign up for this, why couldn’t you just have a normal kid? even if you’re neurodivergent yourself the added responsibility of a child with “special” needs is no easy thing to manage.

your child gets older. they wrecked your car. shit. can you afford to fix that? what’s an appropriately-sized punishment?

they’re 18. they’re leaving you. empty nest. you threw away your life for theirs, what do you do now? the pieces from the trash have all climbed out and moved on, you can’t just pick them up again. you barely even have friends anymore. what the fuck do you do?

and then you have to face your own death twice as much. when i die, will my child have the abilities and resources to care for themself?

so just in case you were ever unsure how to defend not wanting kids, outside of a simple lack of desire, here this is. if you’re the forcing type, hopefully this changes how you go about things, or at least makes you a bit more understanding.

pregnancy can kill you physically, but the toll carrying and raising a child take on you mentally? what part of that is worth it if you don’t REALLY want a kid? and even then, if you assess yourself as an unfit parent (abuse/neglect/etc.), you shouldn’t go for it. it’d be an incredibly corrupt and horrible system, but i think about that baby license idea a lot.

#pregnancy #alcohol mention #abuse mention #hospital mention #birth #i just have this stuff on my mind a lot #ferrenpost #genitalia #genital mention #again this isn’t saying you can’t have a positive experience with pregnancy and birth #female genitalia #long post #rant

[creepybaesment]

Alright because I have to go back to sleep I'm posting my best written bits of my story. cussing ensues because burnt bastard. Also talk of depression and thoughts of death, so read with warning. oh yes and demeaning and dehumanizing things said along with a slur, abuse menton as well. I do not support the harm of people or the people who say these things. I write because that's how I feel I'll reach people the best so we have less of those people in our world.

I am not fluent in Korean so I'm sorry if it's not perfect. I'm using a translator, not google translate, and I make sure to change it back to english to make sure it makes sense. sorry it's long.

A smile graces my lips as I see people gawking, at the buildings, and train lines. Everything here looks different to them- it looks like home.

“안녕하세요 히어로즈 커미션 스쿨과 함께 하시나요?” The teacher turns around, to be greeted with an hero from here, if I remember right his hero name’s 구리. The teacher pulls out a phone, I walk up before he uses informal greetings,

“안녕하세요 학교와 함께합니다. 만나서 반갑습니다 쿠퍼씨,” I hope my mother tongue isn’t too rusty, as I bow politely. 

“청년 만나서 반갑습니다. 내가 당신을 알고 있습니까?” Oh I seem to forget I’m a clone of my mother. Heh it’s been that long.

“예, 당신은 우리 어머니와 함께 일합니다, 나는 그녀의 장남입니다”

“달빛의 자유?” he asks, Dalbich-ui Jayu, I can’t honestly remember the last time someone’s called me by my proper name. It feels so right, so gentle, like being in my mothers arms again, her voice weaving me into sleep. I can feel the smile of euphoria on my face as I say

“그래, 그래 난,” A smile shows on ˈKäpər’s face.

“네 엄마가 널 그리워했어, 아들아,” it feels nice to be called son by someone who's never hurt me.  

“나도 그녀가 그리웠어 그녀는 그녀인가?” I ask. 

“그녀는 될 것입니다 그동안 그들은 우리 언어를 알고 있습니까?” ˈKäpər asks.

“No, none at all,” I smile, I can feel Falk and Shant inching closer to me. 

“Ah that’s too bad my english is lacing,” ˈKäpər’s voice is heavy with accent, and tired boredom at the americans. It’s funny no one would ever dare talk like this to the commissions hero teachers and heroes and training, we were meant to be the best in slot are we not? There’s a hushed laugh from somewhere above. The smile on my face grows bigger. The teacher turns around, red angry.

“I will not be made a fool of Tannafinn, get right here right now, I don’t care if you're Korean or some shit, it’s informal and rude to interrupt your elder and teacher.” 

Mood swings aren’t uncommon for me, in fact they’re more than common. It's a day to day chore of making sure to not go manic while not getting myself so down I want to kill myself. So when I’m suddenly spitting in at rage my teacher, it doesn’t surprise anyone, not even ˈKäpər. He knew me when I was like seven. I was probably so much worse. I remember I was snarky, snappy, salty, and sarcastic, I can practically feel the migraine my mother always had with me around. I mean I am still those things but I’m not giving my mother the migraine anymore I’m giving it to myself.

“Well I’m sorry if I took the time out of my day to properly introduce the commission to Korea’s number two,” I snarl out, trying with all the best of my willpower to not slap him in the face. Rose, the teacher, looks at me with disgust.

“No wonder they call you a porcelain whore,” he waved his hand off. “your all looks and no bones, easy to break, useless other than for praise.” The fast suck of heat under my skin is burning, quite literally. Fire comes with every exhale I take, every fiber in my body wants him to burn alive, but that won’t sit well. I exhale again, trying to not let impulses take over common sense, it’s not going to work much longer, and Rose wants me to snap so he can prove himself right and so he could punish me, without it looking weird, he’d better be damn happy he’s rich. 

“Oh so you’re the Rose bastard, get out of here ass-hat, let us teach the kids that's what you drop ‘em off for right?” Her voice is stern, and hard, but oh god it’s home and pure happiness. Rose scuttles off scared. She lands down, and pop’s her nucleus.

“So you're the American hero traineses? You all look like a breeze could blow you across the city,” She’s well built, short and a bit stocky. Her hair has pure white streaks but a mostly dark blonde-brown red. Her smile’s wry and strong. 

“Well hello, nice to meet you. I'm Valerian, the top ranked hero in Korea and Third world wide,” I love her smile. I could see some of mine in it too, like she had given her smile to me. 

“That’s only on popularity rankings right your so short you can be that good of a hero” Her smile gets more wry. 

“You’re wrong kid, here in Korea, we don’t do polls by popularity, or salary, it’s pure raw numbers of how many we’ve saved, same for the world rankings” Blare the boy who had said that looked dumbfounded that a woman stood up to him, yeah he’s the class bully if you couldn’t tell. 

“You seem smug,” Falk pointed out.

“Oh I’m oh so very smug right now” I hear Shant talking with ˈKäpər. A few sidekicks come up and start the god forbid tour. I hate tours, the feeling gets worse when I’ve lived in the place before. I sigh a bit too hard. I double down coughing. I’m acutely aware of how everything is spinning, and I can feel more than taste the blood coming up past my lungs. I can hear people mildly panicking around me, it’s on deaf ears, I can only make out the sound of my own coughing. A few minutes later I find myself sitting on the cleared out road with, my mother, Shant, Falk and ˈKäpər checking if I’m okay. I spit out the last bit of blood coming up for now.

“엄마,” tears spark in her eyes, and she smiles, her hand reaches out and presses on the burned side of my cheek. I lean into the comfort. I dimly note that in the past at least eight years, I’ve been the one cupping someone else’s face and letting them lean on me. 

“엄마 나 또 몇살이야?” 

“열일곱” her smile’s dim and sad, and how can it not be, I’ve got less than four years of life left in my damn body. I lean into her further, breaking into a hug.

“엄마 빨리 못와서 미안해” I cry a little, it really hurts. I wish I had more time, I’ve always wished I had more time. I’m not living past twenty one, if I even make it there. It hurts me that I want to stay here and get those surgeries that will fix me a little so I can have more time. 

I want more time. More time to be loved. More time to give love. I want to be human again. I want more time so I can see all my siblings graduate and the smiles on their faces. 

I want more time to see my mom live and go. I want more time so that she doesn’t have to spend her last years in the morning. I want more time from the world to help fix it. I want more time. 

I want more time to be with Shnat seeing his eyes light up with joy. I want more time to see his face when he’s crying, I want more time to see wrinkles grow in his hands. I want more time to see his hair go gray and white. 

I want more time to see Falk’s eyes grow shiney and old. I want more time to see the day Falk can take off his shirt and love his own body. I want more time to see Falk sit up after top surgery and have a bare chest. I want more time to see my mom love again. I want more time so I can thank Cinsin for saving me. 

I want more time to see that young trans man become a hero everyone loves, and for his family to know his name Kalmiti. I want more time. I want to grow old. I want to feel loss and grief. I want to heal from that loss. I want time to see a world that has laws to keep heroes kid’s safe. I want more time. I want more time. It’s stupid really. I know it is, but can’t you help but wish for something you’ll never get? I want to get married, I want to adopt kids I can see myself in. I want to help them, so they never have to walk up to the public saying they were lying about their father shooting them. 

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry it has to be this way” I can hear that she’s crying. I look up and wipe my tears.

“Thank you momma, I‘m sorry I can’t stay longer” I’m not going to kill myself, I don’t know why I say it. Maybe it’s what both of us need to hear. That we love each other and that we don’t want the other to leave. We’re all going to die sooner or later. It just happens to be too soon for some.

#angst #creative writing #i love you so im going to give you the worst trauama and life ever writing style #gay boys #girl boss #magic and hero society

[jlilycorbie]

The fantasy WIP started with an idea about a warrior woman on a plain with some weird carnivorous beast that’s a mix of ram and rooster as her mount when she wakes surrounded by these unicorn antelope centaur women who are mad at her for...some reason, so she must do them a favor to get out of it.

But really it started with an old, old project I wrote in high school that I thought maybe I could dust off and revive, but it turned out a whole lot of it didn’t make any sense at all.

So what if the bad guy from that old project had a more coherent goal, and also maybe had some good points but was so deeply obsessed with her goals that she was hurting people? And what if that warrior woman from the other idea befriended and helped her?

Those ideas came together in 2020, after I started soothing myself when I got overwhelmed by googling where random foods originated and how they spread through the world. Which, of course, meant learning more about colonization (hello, Dutch East India Company and British East India Company and Columbus and King Leopold, etc). And how a lot of scarcity in the world is manufactured. How untold suffering has its roots in profit instead of necessity.

I started writing the fantasy WIP for NaNoWriMo in 2020, while I wondered about a whole world where capitalism and colonialism never happened. Where racism and sexism and homophobia and transphobia and ableism and xenophobia never developed. And also maybe the whole world is a moderately conscious genius loci that will eat you if you start looking at your neighbors like things instead of people. And if anyone wants to say all those things are part of human nature, it doesn’t matter here because it isn’t earth and while it’s filled with all sorts of people, there are no humans, so who cares about human nature.

What would it look like in there were a big, diverse, complicated world where people were able to meet and trade and exist together and care for each other?

That immediately meant serious changes to the WIP. Zaya, the warrior woman, had a whole story about her brothers and her father and how their family followed a warrior tradition and she learned to fight both from her older brothers and by protecting her delicate younger brother, and it was a big deal when her dad came home and decided to take her to train and let her brother stay home where he was happy. But this world doesn’t need warriors. But there are big monsters about, so maybe the family are hunters. And it’s not actually a big deal that he trained Zaya because that’s obviously what you’d do if your kid had an obvious aptitude, just like you’d let your fragile kid who’s scared of yaks, let alone dragons, stay home and learn to cook and keep a home.

Also, how do you get conflict in a world without wars? Without assorted -isms that have made life terrible on our world? There are still natural disasters, yeah, and the world’s aware and intelligent. Aleksani (who has gone through many name changes now) had some vaguely defined desire for a McGuffin that never really made sense. But what if she’s a princess from a destroyed land trying save it? Oh, wait, but this definitely isn’t a world with royalty. But it is a world with big academies and universities that take anyone who wants to study for as little or as long as they want to stay. So what if she’s the child of an academic, maybe a professor, and her mother’s mentor got a big idea and got really caught up in proving he could do a thing without stopping to think if that thing was a great idea. And he succeeded...so well that he uprooted the very life of the world, killing himself, Aleksani’s mother, and the entire taiga.

The world itself managed to limit the damage to the part of the world where it happened, leaving behind an enormous wound. And the world itself doesn’t want to think about what happened, which means no one else does, either. Slowly, everyone in the world forgot that country. And its people. Including all of its diaspora, all of its travelers and traders.

And Zaya’s wife.

So Zaya’s got a reason to be alone on the steppe. She’s following a map she found with a country no one remembers. She can’t stay home and ignore it because her home is filled with all these things from someone else who lived there with her, someone she must have loved, someone she can’t remember. And she needs to know. She doesn’t remember that she’s made this journey before, that she’s always forgotten what she was doing and gone home, but it feels more urgent this time. 

Meanwhile, there’s Tsinte, who in the original story always knew more than she was letting on. She was always the key to Aleksani’s obsession, but now it’s because she was there when an ambitious professor ripped the life out of a huge piece of the world. But she doesn’t remember details, was more of a tool than a participant, and she doesn’t want to think about what happened. 

And Tsinte met Nideszda, who for reasons never explored in the original project looked a lot like Aleksani. She’d been raised by forest people and was constantly mistreated by them for being an outsider. This world doesn’t have most of the circumstances that manufacture adoptable children, nor is there any reason for cross-cultural adoption to happen, as in the rare occasion when a child couldn’t be raised by their parents, either other family or community would step in, so being an obviously different child in a community wouldn’t be common, the hostility toward an “outsider,” or even the idea that a child brought into a community would be an outsider didn’t work anymore. But something truly terrible did happen in the world, and if she was born around the time it happened, and got separated from her parents for any reason, including just being a toddler who wandered off (like toddlers do) at just the wrong moment so both she and her family couldn’t find each other, then couldn’t remember each other well enough to be reunited, then people would find her, take her in, and treat her as their own. And she could still feel restless and rootless without having to face mistreatment from her community.

So anyway, that’s how googling about food ended up with me having to set down more than 40k words of a novel to start from scratch to fix all thing lazy standard fantasy tropes in order to instead make a story about community and culture and roots and how deeply connected the whole world is and how sometimes there isn’t necessarily a bad guy, but there’s still a mess to clean up.

#wip #fantasy #fantasy wip #untitled fantasy wip #food #worldbuilding #queer fantasy

[slimey-strawbrry]

I hate myself so much I jus wanna die in the bathtub :))))))))))

#:))))) #🦷 #🐁 #🐇 #i walk across the street #and HopE i GeT HIT everytime #when u speed up it excites me #but mostly i jus wanna die in the bathtub #both my arms open #this planet is amazing it is the people i dread #the actions ive made or will make #googles how to kill myself without hurting anyone #who am i kidding lmao only like 2 people would care lmfaooo

[weirdos-am-i-right]

Fuck Traveling// Pete Davidson x reader

Request from @annalayton19

Hi! I’m a new follower and I really like your stuff! Could I request a Pete Davidson x reader (angst to fluff) where Pete is on tour or filming away from home and the reader is left behind. After like 6 months of being apart Pete starts to get tired of the long distance and basically like done with it. And then he realizes his mistake and comes home to make it up to her! I’m sorry if that’s super long! Also if this imagine doesn’t interest you, then no sweat! Thank you so much in advance 💕

A/n: This took so much less time then I thought it would. Anyway, here you go, I really hope you like it!

Warning: angst, swearing, like one cigarettes

€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€

Six months. Six months was an extremely long time to be away from someone you loved.

Y/n sat on the couch, a small pout on her lips. She looked at Pete—her boyfriend of a year—and frowned. “I wish I could go with you.” Pete frowns too, and sits down next to her.

“I know. I wish you were coming with me too. But hey, it’s only a couple of months, all right? I’ll be back before you know it.” He kissed her cheek.

“I just wish my contract would let me. You have no idea how annoying it is to not be able to do things because of freaking Marvel.” She groans, falling on her back with a slight ‘plop’.

“Well, because of freaking Marvel, you are one of the best actresses out there. And I know you’re going to kill it with filming. My tour isn’t even that cool. It’ll broke you to death.” He jokes, leaning back on the arm of the couch.

“Babe, you’re a comedian.”

“Oh right, I forgot.” He grabs her arm, and pulls her up into his chest. “I love you, okay?” He lifts her chin up, and kisses her. “So fucking much. We’ll face time everyday, I’ll call you every evening and wish you goodnight.”

“Okay.” She looked over a the clock, and sighed. “We have to go. Your flight is leaving soon.” He brushes hair behind her ear, bringing her eyes back to him.

“I love you. It’ll be over before you know it.”

“I love you, too.”

********

The car ride to the airport was long, and quiet. Pete was driving, he had one hand on the steering wheel, and one hand on Y/n’s leg, rubbing small circles into the center of her thigh.

She knew she was going to miss him so much, but she also knew she was going to be extremely busy with filming, so it wouldn’t be as bad.

Once they were at the gate, they tearfully hugged, and she kissed him. “All right, now get out of here. We’re not doing that rom-com turn back at the last second goodbye.” She laughed at him, tears steaming down her face a bit. He wiped one with his thumb, and kissed her again. “Love you. Now go, so I get to watch you walk away.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” She turns around, and starts walking back to her car. She knew he hated leaving her too, but he was a lot better at hiding emotions then she was, that was one of the only things she learned while dating him.

She got in her car, and put her head on her steering wheel.

She groans, and leans back. Starting her car, she pulled out of the airport, and drove home.

**********

The first few months were the worst. Y/n hated going to bed alone, the left side of the bed always cold.

She was filming almost every day, and seeing her co-workers and friends always cheered her up, after all she had been working with the same people for quite some time now, so she felt comfortable around them.

The fourth month was slowly becoming easier. She got use to coming home to no one there, and making dinner for herself. She still talked to Pete every day, texting him good morning, and Goodnight, and FaceTiming him a lot during the day.

Though she knew he loved her, she felt as though he was slightly pulling away. The FaceTime calls were short, and he never texted her back right away like he use to.

“And so, we we’re almost done with the shoot, so close I could practically taste the coffee in my trailer waiting for me, and then Kevin calls cut, and he makes us do the whole scene over again! I swear, I was about to strange that man. Ugh, I can’t wait til you come home. Only two more weeks, I can’t believe we made it.” Y/n rants, talking to Pete on the phone.

“Uh huh. Cool.” He wasn’t looking at her, instead his attention was somewhere else. Y/n frowns, tilting her head a bit.

“Pete…are, are you okay?” That seemed to catch his attention, and he finally looked at the screen.

“What? I’m fine.”

“Okay…you just seem so…different lately. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but you seem like you don’t have time for me anymore. Or if you do, you don’t like talking to me.” Pete scoffs.

“Of course I don’t have time for you right now. I’m in between shows, I’m driving to one as we speak. I mean, god forbid I get a minute to myself without my agents or you calling me.” Pete snapped.

“Wha-I’m just talking to you. If you didn’t want to, you could have said something.”

“That’s bullshit you would have thrown a fucking hissy fit or something.” He rolls his eyes.

“That’s not true. I understand when people are tired, believe me I would know.”

“Would you?”

“Yes!” She had tears stinging her eyes. “Of course I do, you’re forgetting what I do for a living. I work from 6 am to whenever we finish which most of the time is in the middle of the night. I have to re-do the same scene about ten times because RDJ won’t stop making jokes in the middle of the scene!”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot about your super-star actress life.”

“Why are you being so mean to me? I was only concerned about you.”

“Mean? What are you, five? I can’t-I can’t do this anymore.” She huffs, crossing her arms.

“What do you talking about? Are you breaking up with me?”

“Wh-”

“Because then fine. If you don’t want to be with me, I don’t have to take this shit. I’ll be with someone who, oh, I don’t know is actually here.”

“Oh that’s fucking rich, you know I can’t be there, don’t even do that.” She scoffs.

“I don’t care. You want to act like a petty bitch, I have no problem doing it right back.”

“No, I think you’re just a petty bitch.” She wipes her eye, and he laughs dryly. “Oh of course you’re crying.”

“Shut up. If you don’t want to be with me, fine. Go enjoy your show, Pete.” She hung up the phone, and turned off the ringer. She plugged it into her charger, and went into the bathroom, turning the shower on.

********

Pete rubbed his eyes, and took a drag of his cigarette. He knew he shouldn’t have snapped at her, it wasn’t her fault he was cranky, and needed to take it out on someone.

“I’m a dick.” He mumbles to himself, and bangs his steering wheel.

His phone rang again, and for a good second his heart leaping out of his chest, thinking it was his girlfriend, calling him back. He checked the phone, seeing it was Colson. He answered the call.

“What’s up, man?” Pete asks.

“The shows starting soon. You almost here?” Colson questioned. Pete looked at his google maps, seeing he was supposed to be there in ten minutes.

“I’m a good ten minutes away. I’ll be there.”

“You sound weird. What the fuck did you take without me?” Colson asks, trying to lighten the mood.

“Uh…Y/n and I just broke up. I think.” The line was silent for a few seconds.

“Why the fuck would you do that, you idiot? Are you kidding me?” Colson scoffs. “Man, what the fuck?”

“Shut up, man. I can’t stand talking on the phone with her. I’m busy, she’s busy, she plays a superhero for fuck’s sake. I didn’t even expect it to last this long to be honest.”

“Man, you fucking dumbass. That girl was probably the only good thing you had going for you. Get her the fuck back.I thought you loved her.”

“I did-I do. I do love her. I’m just so stressed right now, and excuse me for not wanting to hear about fucking Kevin Feige being a shitty director.”

“Hey, fuck-shit, you ever think that maybe this is more hard on her? Acting is fucking hard, you should know that, especially for a company like Marvel.

“Man, who’s side are you on?” Pete turns into the parking lot, and grabs his phone.

“You think I’m on your side here? You’re forgetting that we were friends before I met you. I can not believe you just fucked up the best thing in your life. Fix it, man. You’re going home in a week, fucking fix it.” And with that, Colson hung up, and put his phone away.

He kicked a rock across the pavement, and cursed under his breathe.

********

The worst thing about breaking up with someone you live with, who so happens to be long-distance is that their stuff fills the apartment with an existential amount of regret.

Y/n laid on her couch, flipping through the channels of the TV. She had called off work for the next few days, not feeling up to put on a performance for anyone. She knew she would get shit for it later, but she didn’t care.

Her head perked up when there was a knock on the door. She sighed, and got up, going over to the door. She really didn’t feel like company at the moment, and was sure she was going to send away whoever it was.

When she opened the door, her breathe caught in her throat. Pete stood in the doorway, looming over her. He looked like shit. She could tell he hadn’t slept, and probably didn’t eat anything, but she knew he didn’t look much better.

“Why-why didn’t you use your key?” Y/n asks, opening the door a bit for him.

“I uh, didn’t want to barge in on you. You also probably weren’t expecting me.”

“I wasn’t. I thought you didn’t get back until next week.” She says. It took every ounce of her not to jump into his arms, and kiss his face until she was sure she kissed every part of it.

“I took off early. Can we talk? Please. I was a dick. I was such a dick. I’m sorry, I know we grew apart in the last few months, and I promised we wouldn’t but we did, and I’m so sorry for that, baby.” He grabs her hand, and she slightly pulls it back, but let’s him grab it. “Please, forgive me. I love you, so much, okay? So fucking much, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me.”

She felt tears welling up in her eyes, and she looked away from him. “What you said really hurt.”

“I know. And I’ll spend every day trying to make it up to you.” She quickly wrapped her arms around him, pushing her face into his chest. He didn’t hesitate to hug her back, leaning down and kissing the top of her head. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. Fuck traveling.”

“Fuck traveling.”

.

#pete davidson #pete davidson x reader #pete davidson fanfiction #machine gun kelly #mgk imagine #angst

[popquizhot-shot]

saw your requests were open so can I ask for a kaz x inferni!reader ❤ (if it's angst to fluff then y e s) Love your writing AND you <3

Here you go love<3, one Kaz Brekker x inferni!reader coming up! Hope you like it! I made the reader a special type of inferni, like you know normal inferni's need a spark to get the fire going, but reader can summon that shit and like make shapes and other stuff like animals that actually move on their own (Yes I made you epic)

Taglist: @kazscrow

Warning- I made it angstyyy( I don't think this will have a part 2)❤❤

UP IN FLAMES-Kaz Brekker x reader

Being a Grisha in Ketterdam was difficult, being a grisha with anger issues was a bit worse, but being a grisha without proper control of their small science along with having anger issues was bad.

It didn't help matters that you were an inferni. and that you were currently dating Kaz Brekker for about a year and a half.

Kaz had recruited you because he needed an extra member in the Dregs and you had fit the bill, in fact, when he first recruited you, he had no idea that you were grisha. He found out when you saved his life one night by making kebabs out of a few thugs.

That was also the night you both started dating.

He knew you didn't use your powers much, and he didn't care. Honestly, he was relieved. You already attracted attention because you were dating him, he didn't want anymore of it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*

Tonight was an important heist. The team had to steal an expensive necklace that could be sold for at least 100,000 kruge on the black market.

Kaz had this 'fool proof' plan. Jesper would be on lookout, while Inej, him and you broke into the mansion and scour the place for the necklace. Inej and Kaz knew the basic layout of the mansion and they need you to be their lookout.

" Why do I have to be on lookout? You and Inej are amazing at multi-tasking!" you asked incredously.

" Just because Y/n/n. and please, if we see a dog, don't go and pet it, last time you almost died." Kaz replied nonchalantly and kissed your forehead, walking towards the exit of the slat, " I have some work to do. I'll be back, get everyone ready by then."

So here you were, trudging behind them like a spoilt kid, one hand on your gun and the other ready to summon. Just in case.

Today was already a bad day, Kaz seemed distant for a while, spending more time planning with Inej, he always seemed to be going out, again with Inej. You saw a pattern and you were a little worried.

Another thing is that, you were pissed at everything today, you didn't know what was wrong, but sometimes, you flared up, and that was when the fire got a little out of control, forming into little balls and randomly shooting out and burning people.

That was the reason you didn't want to come today. True, you felt a little worried that Kaz and Inej were spending a lot of time together, you trusted them. Inej was your best friend, and Kaz didn't seem so worried when you hung out with Jesper or Rotty.

Here is how everything went to shit.

First, you got distracted by a puppy, you didn't go to it, but it just looked so cute that you couldn't help but stare at it. That resulted in all of you almost running into a guard, and Kaz got irritated and glared at you.

You, already irritated about everything accidently let out a small spark of fire, it didn't hurt anyone, but it startled Inej who almost tripped and fell flat on her face.

That is when shit hit the fan.

Two guards found all three of you and just managed to alert a few others before Inej killed them swiftly and quietly.

However, one of them managed to shoot you in the leg and that was when you lost it.

You let a scream and the fire came.

What was dangerous is that, sometimes, the fire formed the image of a lion and it made grown-men pee themselves and die of shock.

That was what happened today, you screamed and it came.

(honestly tho, that is so cool! This image is not mine, i found it on google, if you know who's this is, please lemme know so I can give credit)

It growled and paced towards the guards, who were frozen in fear, snarling and burning everything in it's way.

Kaz and Inej stared at you, Inej in fear and awe and Kaz in worry and anger, because you were on fire. Literally.

By the time the lion managed to get to the guards, they were dead anyway and it was gone.

Kaz and Inej looked at you, you were covered in sweat and ashes, and the mansion was burning, along with the necklace.

You all ran back the way you came and almost made it, but you turned around, much to Kaz's dismay and irritation.

You had gone to rescue the puppy.

As ran out with it, the mother running behind you, Kaz glared at you and you avoided looking at him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On the way back to the Slat, Kaz was livid, the heist was a bust, the mansion was crawling with Stadwatch and you were shot in the leg, and carrying a puppy.

Jesper took the puppy and it's mother from you, and headed to his room, Inej went tothe Crow Club for a drink and Kaz literally stomped his way up to his office.

After a few minutes of pep talk you headed to his office and knocked.

" Come in." Kaz's gruff voice was heard. You walked in and closed the door immediately and apologised.

" I'm sorry Kaz."

" Oh what for? After all, you just botched the whole job, almost killed Inej, me and yourself, burnt the mansion, along with the necklace and you almost killed yourself going back to rescue puppies! Nothing to be sorry for right?" he said sarcastically.

" I know I ruined the job, but I'm not going to apologize for rescuing the dogs!" you argued, your anger slowly rising.

" If you weren't so distracted, none of this would have happened!" he rose from his desk.

" You think I don't know that? Of course I do! And I'm feeling damn guilty about it!" you shouted, fire swirling from your finger tips, and your eyes going red.

" WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE INEJ!?" he screamed.

That was it. You immediately froze. Your eyes going back to normal and the fire disappearing.

" What?" you whispered.

Kaz realized what he just said and his eyes widened, " Darling-"

" No no!" you interrupted, eyes glossy, " I get it, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not like Inej. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for being myself."

" Y/n I didn't mean what I-"

" No!", you let out a sad chuckle, " you know for once in my life, I thought I found someone who loved me despite my flaws."

"I do! I do love you!" he walked towards you.

You shook your head, wrapping your arms around yourself, tears falling from your eyes, you looked him in the eye.

" I guess I was wrong." you walked out and slammed the door shut.

#kaz x reader #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker imagine #jesper fahey x reader #six of crows x reader #kaz brekker angst #echo actually writes

[elfwoodfae]

“Nightcall” Harrison Eo Wells x reader

Chapter 3

Summary: As you taunt the devil another criminal may be ready to strike.

Gif credits go to the owner, I found this one on google.

Author’s note: let me know what you all think, if you have any suggestions, I hope you like it!

Once again, you were all brainstorming ideas about the man in yellow, nothing concrete, but the team had been stuck for a few days without making any progress.

“I just don’t believe that he doesn’t go somewhere after,” Barry commented.

You were sitting on Cisco’s desk and as you saw Wells roll into the cortex you decided to chip on your own ideas. Even tho he had specifically told you not to.

“You know I bet he has a day job too,” you said while noticing from the corner of your eye how Dr. Wells moved his head to look at you and rub two fingers over his lips, how he tended to do when he was thinking, probably how to get rid of you without attracting heat to himself.

“He seems smart, I bet he is some kind of doctor,” you spurred on. “I mean his suit seems pretty legit so he probably is very smart.” Now you were sassing him up. Oh boy were you sassing him up. You knew this risky comment had the potential to blow up on your face, but honestly it was a risk you were willing to take just by the look of Wells’ eyes.

“Very interesting idea y/n.” Wells said looking at you with that fake smile he gave people. God how you wanted to whip it off his face.

“Actually Dr. Wells I was wondering if I could talk to you about something” you asked him as you hopped off the desk.

He only nodded and signaled you to follow him. This plan could very much make you or break you. You were hoping for the first one.

“Those two seem to be talking a lot lately” Cisco commented once you were out of earshot.

Once in Wells’ office you reclined yourself against his desk and looked at him.

“So I have been thinking about your proposition.” You began to speak.

“My proposition? I don’t believe I have proposed anything to you” he said, the look on his face was unbelievable, you had some nerve to be sassing him up so much, and the worst part was that he couldn’t kill you or get rid of you just yet without making it obvious and drawing attention to himself.

“Yes, your proposition about me not speaking and you not killing me” you continued.

“I have thought about it, and I’m willing to accept with one condition.”

He couldn’t believe you. He just couldn’t believe that you were either stupid enough or brave enough to face him.

“I don’t believe I gave you a choice or that you have one, what part of dying was not clear to you?” He added.

“Trust me it was very clear to me since you literally stuck a hand in me, but killing aside, I will keep your secret on a condition, so please at least humor me, we both know you can’t kill me, for what reason is unclear to me but if you really wanted me dead I would be by now.”

You would be the fault in his plan if he didn’t do something about you fast. You were too smart and too fearless of him to be scare that easy. Or too stupid as he had previously thought.

“What is that condition?” He would humor you, play your game and let you think you had the upper hand until he could get rid of you.

“I will play along with you and keep your secret safe, going as far as making sure no one else suspects of you, only if you promise me that once this is all over, and you get whatever it is you are trying to achieve that you will leave a confession freeing Barry’s father of the murder of Nora.”

Now that wasn’t that hard, he would be gone, it wouldn’t affect him in any way, and if that’s what it took to keep you quite then he would oblige.

“Fine, I give you my word.” He said.

“And you won’t hurt Barry badly, or anyone else in the team” you added, feeling a wave of bravery.

“Don’t push your luck little one or you will find out what happens when you taunt me.” he said through gritted teeth, he was a very patient man, but you had a way of pushing his buttons like no one that he had encountered in a long time.

After your little conversation with Wells you felt more confident than ever, you had managed to at least get something out of it and the enjoyment of messing with him, it made you feel powerful.

“Well someone is in a good mood” Cisco said as you entered the cortex smiling and more relaxed than they had seen you in a long time.

“What happened back there?” Cisco insinuated as he looked at you suspiciously.

“Gross Cisco! Gross!” You screamed at him with a fake look of disgust.

“I’m just saying!” He added raising his hands in the air in an apologetic manner.

“Alright you guys,” you called everyone’s attention.

“I’m going to get some coffee, anyone wants anything?”Everyone made their orders and you left to Jitters.

It was getting dark by the time you were getting out of Jitters, walking to your car with your hands full, you struggled to get the key out of your pocket, and as you placed the coffees on the roof of your car and looked at your window to open the car you screamed in fear as a hand covered your mouth with some kind of clothe and the other one grabbed your neck beginning to drag you away.

Back at Star labs, the team had began to wonder what was taking you so long. It was normal to take some time since Jitters wasn’t exactly a street away, but you had been gone for almost two hours.

Just as Barry was about to tell Cisco to try and call you for the twentieth time, a message was being broadcasted on the tv.

“Cisco!”Caitlin urged him as she pointed to the monitor. “Put the volume up!”

“Flash!” The knowing voice of Captain Cold came through the speakers. “I have a friend of yours. If you don’t come and surrender yourself, she will die.” He added in his typical singsong way of speaking.

“Flash don’t come for me!” You could be heard screaming in the background, the focus changed to you as the image showed another man putting a gag in your mouth while you were tied to a chair.

“We need to do something fast” Barry said as he raised his hands to his hair in desperation. In that moment doctor Wells who had seen the whole ordeal from the entrance to the cortex spoke.

“We need to be careful Mister Allen, we don’t know where they are keeping her or if Captain Cold still have the cold gun.”

“Dr. Wells is right, we need to be careful, acting on impulse may not be the best call right now.” Caitlin added.

“I know but we can’t just stay and do nothing! He has y/n” he desperately added.

“I’m aware but I do caution restrain.” He added.

They planned a strategy, as Barry made it to the meeting point, Cisco and Joe would go to see the location where they suspected you were being kept.

As Barry struggled to defeat Cold and Heat Wave. Dr. Wells and Caitlin stayed behind guiding them through the operation. When Barry finally manage to neutralize Cold and Rory a bigger problem arose.

“Guys!” Came Cisco desperate voice through the comms. “She isn’t here, this was a decoy” he added.

Barry looked down on Cold, and as he grabbed him by his shirt collar he shook him.

“Where is she!?” Desperation could be heard in his voice.

“Flash, you really thought it would be that easy to find her? I hope you said your goodbyes earlier since in a matter of around two minutes your little friend will blow into the air.”

Dread came over Barry as he realized that no matter how fast he managed to search the city it wasn’t enough time to find you.

“I will give you a hint, why don’t you start in the East side?” Cold added as he smiled sarcastically at Barry.

Back the labs Wells excused himself from Caitlin and went to his time vault. He needed to find you fast. It was true that this was the perfect chance to finally get rid of you, but he just couldn’t bring himself to let you die by the hands of Cold.

You were seated in some kind of abandoned warehouse. In what part of town you had no idea, but you were painfully aware of the ticking bomb at the bottom of your chair. And as you heard the ticking get faster you were sure that was it, this is how you were going to die. If Barry hadn’t found you yet, you doubted he would on time.

As the seconds came to cero time seemed to stop all together, and in flash of red you were whisked away as the bomb went off and the explosion resonated all around you.

Your eyes watered as your mouth opened to let a sigh of relief come out. You squeezed Barry’s neck and placed your forehead on his shoulder as you breathed him in only for a second later to recognize this particular smell. This wasn’t Barry. As you opened your eyes you were met with a yellow suit and a pair of red glowing eyes. Still in his arms you hugged him again, adrenaline controlling your actions.

“I have never been happier to see you” you said, he only nodded and put you down on the floor.

As he speeded away you saw Barry coming to you fast. Relief could be read all over him the moment his eyes landed on you.

“She is safe” is all he said through the comms to the team.

“How, how did you managed to escape?” He questioned you once you were all back at Star labs as Caitlin checked you over.

“ I am not sure, I managed to free myself from the ropes but the bomb may have glitched as I had enough time to run as far as I could” you explained, trying to sound convincing.

“I mean but you don’t even have a scratch on you” Barry kept questioning you.

“I think I just had a lucky star tonight.” You said as you looked over at Harrison, who had just entered the med bay area.

“I think we should let Miss y/n rest for tonight Mister Allen.” Dr. Wells added.

“Yeah, I am just glad you are okay.”Barry added as they all walked out to let you rest for the night.

Wells was the last to leave and as he was about to roll out the door you stopped him. You had so many questions to ask him. He could have easily let you die and get rid of you without being suspicious, but he hadn’t.

“Why did you save me?” You asked when you were sure no one was close by. He only smiled at you and turned around, leaving as you sat there with now more questions about the man than ever before.

@mintchipcupcake

@nellethiel-aranel

@saltykidcreation

@twilightlover2007

#the flash imagines #eobard thawne fanfic #eowells fanfic #eowells x reader #harrison wells fanfic #harrison wells x y/n #eobard thawne x reader #harrison wells fanfiction #harrison wells imagine #harrison eo wells fanfic #harrison eo wells x reader #eobard thawne x reader fanfic #the flash fanfiction

[disneydancepants]

Disney Debunking 5: Ursula isn't the Villain of The Little Mermaid?

So... I've joked (a LOT) that The Little Mermaid started a new trend at Disney: one in which the true "villain" is trauma from bad parenting. Moana's dad is so overprotective and controlling that it borders on abuse. Maui's parents tried to murder him because his eyes are too close together. Anna and Elsa need years of troll therapy because of King Agnarr. Tiana actually had wonderful parents, but her dad maybe miscommunicated some life lessons before being killed. Fa Zhou goes from being a loving parent to Mulan to getting caught up in patriarchal B.S. King Triton is a raging, controlling racist until he immediately regrets losing his shit at Ariel and doesn't know how he can apologize to her.

But I've read way too many posts and articles actually defending Ursula as a good octo-person.

Hahaha, no. That witch is evil.

So here's how those Ursula-defenders are wrong.

1.) "Ursula was a feminist fighting the patriarchy of Triton's Atlantica".

A feminist is someone who advocates that women deserve equality with men, at it's basic core. Is Ursula trying to fight to bring equal rights to the mermaids of Atlantica? Fucking no! She wants to turn everyone into emaciated shrimp. She manipulates and hurts people to gain power. She wants power only for HERSELF. Triton isn't oppressing her because she's female. Triton is oppressing her because she's an evil and power-hungry criminal. That isn't her first emaciated shrimp collection. Ursula is a feminist like Cruella is an animal-rights activist. Or like how I'm a disciplined Sims 4 cc creator. 😅

2.) "Ursula is offering Ariel freedom and a choice, unlike her father King Triton."

Lulz, no. Ursula is manipulating an abused teenager into signing a contract that Ursula sets up to fail. Everything Ursula feeds Ariel is a fucking lie, and then she steps in as "Vanessa" to straight up sabotage Ariel. This argument is delusional. You want to tell me next how casinos are designed to give us the freedom to become millionaires? All Ursula's contracts are scams. I don't even understand how anyone can be dense enough to think otherwise...

3.) "Ursula is right about everything she tells Ariel about all men, and Eric even proves it true at first."

Okay, so... These people clearly didn't watch the movie. Props for even getting Eric's name right by googling it, I guess.

Sure, some men don't care what a woman has to say and only understand "body language". One of them is named Gaston. Li Shang's soldiers also fall into this camp, until they actually spend time around a real woman and realize that they're, y'know, people too. There are sexists out there, for sure.

Eric is not one of them.

I'm forcing myself to not dive too deep into this, since that will be another post. But Eric literally is not romantically interested in Ariel at first. I mean, he was for a second when he thought she was the amazing woman who saved his life. But when losing her voice rules that out, Eric loses all interest in Ariel... Outside of wanting to help out and befriend this shipwrecked stranger.

Eric only starts to have feelings for her after Ariel manages to show her personality without uttering a single word. She shows Eric that she's fun-loving and adventurous when they explore the city together. That's not "at first". You need to also remember that Disney romances are ALWAYS sped up because of the runtime. You have to suspend your disbelief a bit for the fairy tale to work.

Sorry, but it's not okay to assassinate other characters so you can justify one character that you like. That's my main beef with Maleficent: I can only enjoy it in the mindset of "I'm watching Villain propaganda right now." And let's be honest: that actually makes it even better. I love unreliable narrators.

Cruella avoided this by creating new characters to be the antagonists. Sure, Roger is kind of a dick. But... He's always been a bit if a dick. The lawyer thing was weird, but it doesn't destroy his established character. Not sure why Cruella is going to end up kidnapping puppies, but...

I'm getting off-topic.

My point was: I'm worried about the new Little Mermaid movie. Not the black mermaid thing: there are dark-skinned mermaids in the Animated Series, so those incels are factually wrong. No, I'm worried that Ursula is going to get morally-whitewashed to justify her actions, like they did to Jafar. And Jafar suuuuucccckkkkked. Dude was boring. He was the second biggest crime of that remake.

The first being that Friend Like Me wasn't a 90s Will Smith rap... a la Men In Black and Wild Wild West.

Please just let Ursula be outlandishly evil. That's WHY we love her. Let her be manipulative, power-hungry, and fabulous.

I don't think they're going to.

#disney debunking #disney analysis #the little mermaid #ursula feminist #hot jafar sucked #disney villains #not sims #ursula the sea witch

[marinerainbow]

Idk if you're still doing nights requests, but Reala x one of your ocs?

...

Anon...

I have no clue who you are, or why you took an interest in seeing my OC shipped with a Canon character...

But I have one thing to say...

Thank you so so so much for asking about my OC! And about wanting to see her paired with a canon character! That is honestly a huge compliment, it tells me you think she's interesting enough and legit enough to be with a canon character!

Ok. The only NiGHTS OC that I have that could be shipped with him, is my nightopian OC Prism (her bio should be under the 'my own OC's' tag or 'Prism' tag, please check her out if your interested ^^) but... If I'm honest, I had thought of them together in a relationship before.

I know that there's nothing wrong with OC x Canon ships, but I always get nervous at the thought of posting anything like that, especially if no one asks about my characters (the last thing I want is to embarras myself if someone is like 'nobody asked to see this why are you posting it'... Even though the internet is a free platform and we can post whatever we want and don't have to worry about anybody putting us down.

ANYWAYS! I've rambled too much. Time to give you what you asked for. My thoughts on Prism x Reala (or Realism in this case XD). I'll go for my general thoughts/story for it, but this got pretty long so I won't add headcannons to it (maybe I'll make a separate post for headcannons)

Reala x Prism (Realism)

Peony: Regarded as one of the most popular and culturally significant flowers in many parts of the world, the peony is closely associated with peace, stability and prosperous domestic life

(I hope that's a peony gif. Gif courtesy of Google)

Anyone who knows Prism's story knows that if she was canon, Reala would be her #1 enemy for a multitude of reasons.

For starters, when he and NiGHTS were created, they both made her job as a guardian a whole lot harder. At first she was able to deal with third and second levels just fine, although the second levels she would need a few tries to learn their strategies so she could properly fight back. But NiGHTS and Reala, by far the known strongest creations of Wizeman. They made her eat dirt with their superior magic and strength alone everytime she tried to fight them for the ideya they stole. The most she could do was use herself as a distraction while the visitors and nightopians in the area get to safety.

Then, when NiGHTS rebelled and she and them bonded and befriended each other, Reala gave her another reason to hate him. He was constantly hurting her friend and trying to drag them back to a place that would practically kill them without physically harming them. Anyone who knows Prism knows that she is not the type to stand back and let her loved ones get hurt, she would sacrifice herself in a heartbeat and think about the consequences later. There were many times she had to break NiGHTS out of trouble and square up to Reala to try to protect them. Fortunately NiGHTS was on her side this time, so her fights with the nightnaren weren't so unevenly matched anymore.

But of course, the hatred she felt for him was mutual. Remember, no story is one sided, and we have to see this through Reala's eyes too. Prism has caused him and the other 'maren so much trouble with how she fights them and takes back any ideya they steal, and has made Wizeman very temperamental and progress to stagnate. Not to mention the fact that she is the only thing- alongside the visitors- keeping him from bringing his friend back home and was also the reason why NiGHTS left in the first place (in his eyes at least). So when he sees Prism, all Reala sees is a pest that is far too much trouble and needs to be taken care of so not only he but the rest of Nightnare can achieve their goal without further hinderence.

So the main reason for their rivalry is simple. They both have conflicting goals. Prism wants to protect the night dimension and ensure the visitors and her loved ones are safe. Reala wants to keep Wizeman satisfied so no one else will die and bring back his comrade. And the one thing that even made things this way for them was Wizeman. As long as he exists and forces the nightmaren to bring him ideya, they will continue to clash heads.

So what happens when you remove Wizeman from the picture? When Wizeman is finally gone for good and the nightmaren have no reason to hunt visitors anymore?

Complications.

After NiGHTS rebelled and showed Prism that the nightmaren weren't inherently evil, she wanted to protect the nightmaren too. Being a guardian of the night dimension includes Nightmare too, not to mention all the stories NiGHTS told her about the day to day lives the 'maren lead. She wanted to help them, but when Wizeman was in power she had to keep fighting them to help the visitors. She couldn't just stop protecting the humans, the night dimension exist because of the visitors, so they were the top priority. So even though she sympathized with the 'maren, she couldn't stop what she began.

But now that Wizeman is gone, she tries to make amends. She goes out of her way to try to help Nightmare heal along with Nightopia. Of course, since she caused so much suffering for the 'maren, none of them want to trust her. Especially Reala, the new leader of Nightmare.

NiGHTS would definitely have to be a mediator between them both. Because even though Prism is trying to be trusting and calm and helpful, centuries of agony and the cold truth that he couldn't trust anyone, not even his closest friend, makes Reala lash out. Now that she's just standing there, doing nothing but putting a target on her back, his fury and hurt over the years bubble up and splash onto her.

But at the same time, he caused her suffering too. Every visitor she couldn't save, every paradise and nightopian that was torn apart by the nightmaren and all the beat downs she took in all of the fights she had, Reala was a big part of all that. At least after he was created. They both have hurt each other in different ways, they both had caused the others day to worsen intentionally or not.

And, in a way, that's how they both come to an understanding. Eventually, they both recognize what they've done to the other and that neither of them are intirely innocent. When they both see that, they both can take two steps back and realize they are more alike then they thought. They both want peace in their communities, they both care for their loved ones and want them around, they both carry similar responsibilities and are seen as authority figures or protectors in their homes and they both want the conflict to just stop.

So with time, they both can come to an agreement to help each other. They both can help the night dimension heal and help bring back the unity that Nightmare and Nightopia used to have. It's with this clarity and understanding for the other that allows them to work together. And later, when they both have a chance to actually get to know each other and bond- all thanks to NiGHTS I assure you- They find love with each other.

That's why I love Realism so much. It's not only a enemies to lovers story, but it also has them show each other a side neither of them saw before. Prism gets to see Reala's more caring and softer side, and Reala gets to see her more sympathetic and understanding side. And it's only when they see the other half of each other is when they can unite and become one with each other.

What do you guys think? Any questions or criticism are always welcome!

#Reala #Prism #fantopian #NiD #JoD #NiGHTS into Dreams #NiGHTS Journey of Dreams #my own OC's #my own characters #my own headcannons #ships #OC x Canon #Reala x Prism #Realism #i apologize for yhe long post i have no idea how to do that 'read more' thing that long posts do #if anyone can tell me id be forever grateful #and to anyone who read the entire post thank you for sticking with me through my rambles #my own post

[beewolfwrites]

And When I am Formulated, Sprawling on a Pin - Chapter Fourteen: Half-Sick of Shadows

Hello again! This is instalment 14 of my Chishiya x OC/reader fic. You’ll also find it over here on AO3 too. 

Thanks for all the support so far, and all of the people who have gone through every chapter and liked them. It means so much to see that you’re enjoying this <3 

childlikeempress/mercipourleslivres - I have a feeling you’ll get this chapter title :D 

--------------------------------

By the time we made it back to the Beach, Kuina and I were too tired and overwhelmed to bother with the everlasting party. The teenage boy clung to my side, thanking me repeatedly for saving his life. I tried to tell him that there was no need, that anyone would have done the same, but I had to force the words out. It wasn’t true.

In this world, you’re supposed to look out for yourself.

He promised me he’d repay the favour, but I just shook my head and smiled, telling him to survive instead.

I retreated into my room for the rest of the night, and immediately hopped into the shower. The water swirled, washing away the remains of the pinstripe tent, the red water, yellow eyes and leathery skin.

Don’t focus on it. Don’t think about it.

The stained red scrunchie bobbed on the surface of the water as it spun towards the drain.

My legs collapsed beneath me. Sinking to the to the bottom of the shower, I finally wept.

------------------------------------------

The next morning, I awoke with a splitting headache. My eyes were pink from the night before, and my hands stung, irritated from the metal pull of the wire and the weight of the teenage boy. It was tempting to stay in bed and dream away the blood and guts of the Borderlands. But there was something I needed to do.

‘Don’t you want to thank Chishiya?’

Back then, Kuina’s words had been a lifeline, cutting through the fear.

Sitting up in bed, I took the copy of Wuthering Heights out of the bedside drawer, flicking through the pages. It was all in Japanese, meaning it was illegible to me. But there was something else; one of the page corners was turned over. Flipping to it, I found that a line of the text had been underlined in pen.

Did Chishiya do this?

It seemed unlikely, although he could have done it with the intention that I would translate it. It was impossible to tell, since he was such a closed book. But seeing the words acted as a reminder that I still needed to find him anyway.

Kicking back the covers, I got up and dressed, and while I still felt half-dead after the game, I somehow felt more confident approaching Chishiya. When I finally left my room, it was nearly noon, and I had a pretty good idea as to where he would be.

The hotel was mostly quiet as I slipped through the halls, following the same path Kuina had led me just days before. Having memorised every turn, I eventually came to the doors that opened up to the roof. A cold gust of air sent goosebumps across my skin, and rubbing my arms, I spied the hunched figure sitting, one leg bent, near the edge. Just seeing him alive and well was a huge relief.

He didn’t turn or react as I sat beside him. ‘I didn’t see you yesterday. How did your game go?’

There was silence at first, before he spoke, half-teasing. ‘So you’re speaking to me again? I see.’ When he realised the words had no effect on me, he added, ‘Eight of Diamonds – it was nothing.’

For him, it was nothing. Personally, I would have struggled with an Eight of Diamonds. Knowing myself, I’d second-guess every move. Chishiya didn’t elaborate on the game, or even speak at all.

‘Aren’t you going to ask about my game?’

He was idly watching the pool-goers splashing around and having fun, but his expression was apathetic. ‘I already know. Kuina told me everything.’ He glanced briefly at my reddened hands ‘Apparently you saved a boy. It was a stupid move.’

To someone like you, it would be.

‘I disagree. He lived because of it.’

‘And if he dies in his next game, then it was a waste of time,’ Chishiya berated. ‘It’s pointless to risk your life for a stranger.’

I spun around to face him fully, crossing my legs beneath me. ‘Okay,’ I challenged him. ‘What about if it was you down there? You’d want someone to save you.’

The question was shut down immediately. ‘That’s different. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to end up in that situation.’

I pouted. He wasn’t technically wrong. It was hard to picture Chishiya scared and hanging upside down on a tightrope. If anything, he wouldn’t hesitate to cross it. But he did get nervous. That much was clear from the Two of Spades game, when I’d felt his heart thudding as his arms tightened, pulling me into the darkness.

And now, as my eyes traced over his deadened expression and the thin hair that stirred in the breeze like spider’s silk, I couldn’t stop the question from slipping out. ‘And what if it was Kuina?’ I paused, whispering, ‘or me?’

Now I had his attention, as his lips twisted in that cruel, cruel smile that used to make me shudder. ‘Do you really want me to answer that question?’

No.

The answer was already clear, and for some unknown reason, it hurt.

I don’t want you to say it out loud.

I swallowed, instantly regretting bringing the subject up. ‘You were wrong, by the way... about what you said before.’ This prompted him to lift his brows in mock surprise. ‘You did end up in a similar situation. Both in the Tag game… and in the Two of Spades. Your injury… how is it?’

During our argument, it hadn’t been the right time to ask, but better late than never. I unconsciously reached for him, as if trying to make sure he was okay. However, Chishiya’s hand darted out, catching my fingers in a tight squeeze.

‘Don’t.’ His tone was icy, and it was the first time I’d seen him grow so cold.  

It hurt, seeing him so reluctant to let me in. But to him it was a moment of weakness, a reminder that he had lost control of a situation, even if only for a second.

‘At least tell me you’re okay.’

‘I’ve already told you it’s nothing.’ He clasped my fingers harder. ‘It shouldn’t matter to you anyway.’

I pulled myself free, rubbing my fingertips where they’d turned white and red. ‘That’s not true. I care, and that makes it relevant to me.’

For just a second, I thought I heard him begin to call me an idiot. But then he stopped. ‘You care too much about things that have nothing to do with you. You should focus on what’s in front of you.’ It was fleeting, the way his eyes washed over the bruises on my ankle.

I see.

It felt nice, knowing that in his own abrasive way, he was telling me to watch out. ‘You know what’s strange? Niragi hasn’t bothered me again. I thought he’d have killed me by now.’

Chishiya sighed. ‘That’d be too easy, and not as much fun.’

So Niragi did have his eye on me, but he was biding his time before coming after me again. It was a wonder he seemed to think that by attacking me, he’d be getting to Chishiya. Their rivalry had nothing to do with me, and Chishiya had all but confirmed moments ago that he wouldn’t even risk his life to save me in a game. Coming after me was pointless.

But that’s not what Niragi thinks.

‘It’s only a matter of time before he tries something again. You should watch your back,’ Chishiya warned. Then his face stretched into that familiar, all-knowing smile. ‘But you didn’t come up here to talk to me about Niragi.’

He already knew. He must’ve been waiting for me to track him down.

Mixed feelings swirled within me; embarrassment that he’d so easily predicted my behaviour, annoyance over the fact that he’d been smugly waiting, and something else I couldn’t identify.

Warmth, perhaps?

No, that wasn’t the right word.

‘I’m sorry.’ The words came out in a whisper. Grimacing, I cleared my throat and spoke up. ‘I want to thank you for the books, but I also want to apologise. Everything you said back then was true.’ The words were hard to admit, even to myself. ‘I’ve been living in a hole all my life and I got too used to it. And now the world seems terrifying. But if I survive here and make it back, I know that nothing my dad does will be scarier than these games. I’ll try and make my own freedom from now on. So, thank you… but also, I’m sorry.’

I waited for a response, some kind of acknowledgement. Anything. Instead, there was a rustle of clothes as he stood and began walking to the door. My heart froze over, and I blinked at the empty space beside me.

Did I say something wrong?

‘Antiseptic ointment and gauze,’ I heard him say, before the roof door swung shut.

I was alone, with nothing but the breeze and the distant laughter from the patio below. Looking down at my reddened hands, I smiled, finally understanding.

-----------------------------------------

It had been three days since our conversation on the rooftop, and I had been following Chishiya’s advice, using supplies I’d borrowed from the medical room to treat the irritated skin of my hands. The bruising around my cheek, neck and ankle had faded to a fainter yellowish brown. Kuina kept telling me that we’d find a way of getting back at Niragi for what he did, although I knew she wouldn’t want to do anything drastic without Chishiya’s input; she was just as nervous around Niragi as I was.

I spent all my time pouring over the Japanese language textbook and trying to translate the opening sections of The Metamorphosis. Twice, I’d picked up Wuthering Heights and attempted to make sense of the underlined words. But it was hopeless. There were complex kanji I didn’t know how to pronounce, meaning they were impossible to search in the dictionary I had, and Google was no-go in the Borderlands.

Closing the book yet again, I rubbed my temples, trying to ease the headache brewing after hours spent squinting at different characters.

I should just ask Chishiya.

I hadn’t seen him much since the rooftop, as he was always busy with executive work. And even now, with the late afternoon sun beating through the windows, there was no guarantee he’d be free to talk. But it was worth a shot.

That’s it, I’m going to go ask him.

Pulling on my hoodie, I picked up the copy of Wuthering Heights and left my room. The hallways were pretty quiet around this time, as people were either downstairs enjoying the party while they could, or tucked away in their rooms getting some last-minute sleep before the long evening ahead.

Heading down the hall, I tried to remember where Chishiya’s room was. I had only been there once, after Kuina had given me directions, but at the time I’d been nervous and distracted by the argument that ensued. The hotel was like a maze. No, not a maze – a labyrinth. And his room was hidden somewhere behind one of these identical doors.

I’ll know when I see it.

Rounding a corner… I immediately froze. At the end of the hall, Niragi and his thugs were dragging a man by his bloodied scruff. When the man thrashed wildly in their grip, they stopped to kick him in the ribs and jaw, sending speckles of blood up the wallpaper.

Niragi was a sight. The nail marks down his cheek had scabbed over, and beneath his right eye was a faint purple bruise from where I’d kicked him in the face.

My limbs stiffened in place. I couldn’t move.

And even when his eyes lifted, widening with fury as they locked onto me, I couldn’t move.

He began striding towards me, jaw clenched and hands readying his rifle.

Run, run, run…

As if struck by electricity, I bolted back the way I came, shoving past the occasional person I ran into. Niragi’s footfalls were close behind me. He was following fast, and I could hear his growls.

‘You fucking bitch, get back here!’

The words sounded faint and close at the same time. Everything was close but far away, and my legs had turned to rubber. I spied a familiar looking door and threw myself into it, panting hard as it closed behind me. Outside, Niragi’s footfalls grew closer and closer… then further and further away.

He was gone. At least for now. My relief was cut short when it became clear where I was.

Sitting on the bed with open first-aid kit, gauze held delicately in one hand, Chishiya was completely shirtless. His side was swathed in old bandages, spotted with red. And he was staring at me.  

‘Get out.’

#alice in borderland #aib #imawa no kuni no arisu #chishiya #chishiya shuntaro #chishiya x oc #chishiya x reader #chishiya alice in borderland