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Waking up


May I ask you something?


What is the very first thing you think of when you wake up?


You might think of the last night, the next day, breakfast, lunch or dinner, the friends and family you will meet, the tasks you still have to do, the places that you will have to visit later on…


But most likely, you are thinking something like, “Why can’t I just sleep a little longer?”

“Why do I have to get up now?”


You take a moment to inhale.

You take a moment to exhale.


Nevertheless, you get up at some point.


Now, please take a moment.

Breath in

Breath out


And imagine


Imagine that every feeling you have ever encountered occurs again.


And at the very same moment.


All the anger

All the hate

All the grief

All the disgust


The smell of iron rises in your nose.


It is blood.


Your blood.


A sour taste spreads in your mouth.


It is vomit.


Your vomit.


You begin to see images.

Images of yourself.

Images that you wanted to displace.


The time you were beaten up to a bloody lump of meat.


The time you lay on the floor desperately trying to protect your head from the kicks.


The time you wanted to do everything for this one person and then learned that they had committed suicide.


The time you lost control over your emotions and simply punched into a wall until your knuckles broke.


The time you lay awake for days because you were too scared to close your eyes because you did not know which pictures you might see this time.


The time nothing was worth living for anymore and you tried to cut your wrist.


The time you tried desperately to take your own life so that the voices might stop screaming.


Just to get some rest.

Just to get some peace.

Just to get some sleep.


Imagine all those feelings

Imagine all those memories

Imagine this all


Together.


Imagine waking up like this every single day.


Imagine waking up every single day and your first thought is: “Why am I still alive? Why couldn’t I just die in my sleep?”


Imagine you just want to scream


To scream louder than the voices inside of your head.


Be glad.


Be glad that your biggest problem when you wake up is getting your sleepy body out of bed.


Be glad that you can keep it that way.


Be glad that you are not me.




Good night and sleep well, my dear and innocent simpleton.

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image

Chronic Depression: a pain so agonizing almost nothing can help it. A numbness, an indifference from those around you that is so very, I couldn’t be expressed fully…a pain, a hurt, an aching feeling in your soul

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