troy (2004) and all its faults
y it so white like wtf its ancient greece not fucking florida or smth
brat pitt needs to leave
go back to endor legolas no one wants you here
achilles didn’t fight for agamemnon before the trojan war so the whole thessaly fight was utter bullshit
can we talk about brat pitts armpit hair i refuse to believe achilles didn’t shave
excuse me sir
like yes depending on what source you believe i guess they could be cousins but they were ancient greeks ffs that wouldn’t have stopped them sucking an insane amount of dick
he isn’t in phthia he is on skyros in a DRESS
i don’t like brad pitts hair it’s so lanky and gross no my man achilles has lucious waves not fucking greasy hay
i don’t like his face it’s gross
the SUPERIORITY COMPLEX of achilles is ASTRONOMICAL
THE SMOLDER NO GOD
thetis is a milf but we saw that one coming
BACK TO THE SHITTY!! BACK TO THE SHITTY!!
where is chryseis u can’t really have a story without her but ok
STOP ROMANTICIZING RAPE HOLLYWOOD ITS NOT CUTE
BRISEIS DID NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH THE MAN WHO KILLED HER FAMILY AND RAPED HER
Ah yes ancient greece the land of the heteros
i want more thetis content
hector my beloved
WHERE IS DIOMEDES??? DOES HE JUST NOT EXIST? FUCK YOU?!
where is the gay
justice for aias
this movie smells of testosterone
i find it hilarious that achilles has more chemistry with eudorus than patroclus and briseis combined
the trojan war lasted for 10 years not 4 days get out
did the gods just all fuck off or smth?
stfu odysseus u ain’t different
the timeline is SO FUCKED
leave patroclus alone please
kinda mad we didn’t see patroclus kick sarpedons ass
ANDROMACHE MY BABY I LOVE U
plato would hate this movie
where tf are the amazons!!!!!! they’re like the most badass warriors of the trojan war and they just,,, dont exist? i’m impressed they managed to string together a plot without them tbh
after watching alexander (2004) i am sad about the lack of eyeliner present
he just GAVE AWAY the seashell necklace!!
WHERES THE RIVER FIGHT SCENE I WANT TO SEE THE RIVER PART
priam is a dilf and i am mad about it
briseis oh no babe i am so sorry
menelaus just??? dies??
Achilles isn’t even that sad abt patroclus’ death?? he’s not even crying like wtf
kinda glad phyrrus doesn’t show up tho
ok so i know i’m supposed to hate every part of this movie but at the end i really love the aeneas bit with his father like yes i see that reference and i rate it 10/10
can i get some more patroclus content or no
the POC ERASURE
the LACK OF HOMOEROTICISM
the soundtrack kinda slaps tho
i walked with ✨achilles✨
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I would like to formally submit a request for platonic yandad Hercules. I just want fluff vibes rn
Platonic yandad Hercules? You got it babe.
You could be just a normal person walking along, minding your own business when you suddenly run into trouble and a group of men try to assault you. Our hero Hercules comes smashing through and kicks everyone's asses and then asks if you're alright. You nod and thank him before going on your merry way, only for you to almost get trampled by a chariot the next day. And you would've been mashed to the ground, had it not been for Hercules to be passing by. And when a week later, some guy tries to force you to marry him, Hercules KO's the jerk and decides that you have been sent by the gods for him to take care of, after he had killed his wife and his kids.
Of course, you don't understand why this giant of a man is pulling you along to his house, saying that he'll take care of you from now on. Hercules assumes that you're just an orphan and even though you tell him many times that your family is waiting for you back home, he doesn't believe it, simply shushing you and telling you that "papa is here, now. No need to put up a brave front for me. Now you sit here and tell me about your day while I go make you dinner🥰"
You're actually Hercules's child and you came from visiting your grandparents, only to walk in on your father strangling your mother, the bodies of your siblings lying around. As soon as your mother dies, that's when Hercule's curse is lifted and he finally sees what he's done and then sees you at the door, looking absolutely horrified.
When you see your father smile (because he's glad at least you're okay), you call him a monster and try to run away, only for Hercules to catch your wrist and yank to his chest, trying to explain that this is not his fault, that Hera did this. You don't believe him, thrashing around in his hands that were still covered in blood, so he knocks you out, thinking that you're freaking out because of the dead bodies, so tucks you under the covers while he buries your family.
You're permanently traumatised and Hercules doesn't understand that. If anything, he's only turned to become more protective of you, cutting you off completely from the world and keeping you at home because he can't risk you getting hurt. He treats even the smallest scratch you get as a fatal stab wound, even getting angry at you and scolds you for being so careless, all while he's bandaging you and making you herbal tea.
Even when Hercules gets Zeus and Hera to explain that your father was not at fault, you just cant seem to not be afraid of him. When you wake up from a nightmare where you saw the repeat of that night, only screaming louder when Hercules hugs you to comfort you, him not seeing that its actually he who you're afraid of.
He turns so paranoid, often waking up in the middle of the night to check if you're still breathing, patting your head and staring at you for hours before the sun rises and he goes out to hunt. If his paranoia is on lower levels, he might let you accompany him on the hunt, but you are to stay either on the horse or right by his side-AND NO EATING ANY BERRIES WITHOUT HIM CHECKING THEM FIRST.
Hercules heart's breaks everytime you hurl insults at him, call him a monster, but he knows he deserves it, his heart is already heavy with guilt. He even cries because you're all he has left in the world and you hate him. But then he comforts himself in the fact that at least you'll be safe with him, even if you hate him- you'll be safe. And he made Zeus and Hera promise him that if he ever has a manic episode again, they'll protect you, even if they have to kill him.
They are your grandparents, after all.
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