#grief? misery? supreme sadness? nostalgia? loneliness? paranoia? fear?

[oflgtfol]

ugh on one hand i really dont want to listen to the rest of everywhere at the end of time because it was bad enough listening to just stages 1 and 2 and knowing that it’ll just get so much worse in 3 and 4 (apparently 5 and 6 aren’t so bad, you “get used to it”) and it’s like... i’ve always had tendencies towards... paranoia.. i feel bad saying that bc it’s not like, debilitating paranoia, but for lack of a better word, yeah i do get like that sometimes, and so like. i’ve literally been so on edge since i just listened to stages 1 and 2 and i know it’ll get so much worse if i actually listen to stages 3-6 all in one sitting one day like it’s been over 24 hours since i listened to stages 1 and 2 and i still am feeling kinda off. i think i’ll be better after tomorrow cause tomorrow i’m going to school, im leaving the house for the first time since monday morning so like it’ll be a good way to clear my head. but if i spend all saturday or sunday listening to stages 3-6 then i wont be able to clear my head like that till NEXT thursday... and i kinda dont want this weird paranoia sticking around for several days like UGHH

but also like. idk. just stages 1 and 2 were so thought provoking and like, emotionally destructive, yeah, but like. idk. i feel like it’s an experience i should have, even if it fucks me up for a few days i just feel like it’ll be good in the long run. just stages 1 and 2 made me realize so much but i feel like those realizations cant really like, go all the way through, unless i complete the rest of the stages. it’s weird cause like, yeah in the Throes of it yesterday i was talking about my family member and it’s like, idk i just think. it’ll be good to experience this album because it’s really like, put things in perspective, what she felt, but stages 1-2 only really capture the beginning of it so i feel like to really understand i’d have to complete it. and i think i kinda have to finish the rest of the album, just to complete that new sense of clarity.

and even beyond sorting out my own grief, i just think it’d be important to experience because like. idk, already just after the first two stages, im already like. thinking about my own life and all the things i take for granted and it’s just like. idk i think it would be important for me to like, re-examine what im doing with my life and be thankful for what i do have still

and not only all that but also i am, curious to a fault, even if it’s kinda self damaging. and so like, god this has been EATING at me for the past day like i know it’s going to be a horrifying experience but i just, cant stop thinking about it, and it deosnt help that it will NOT leave my youtube recommendations like i just have to hear the rest of it even if its for nothing else but sheer curiosity

#... lowkey think my . tendencies towards Paranoia are like. leftover from my weird ass childhood anxiety bullshit #like i mostly grew out of that weird shit . but with things like this? oh man it comes back #instead of lying awake afraid of the shadows in my room bc like #man i was scared of the STUPIDEST shit like 2012. the zombie apocalypse. etc #i dont lie awake at night worrying over that shit but sometimes that same like. fear comes over me sometimes #over. well. not the stupidest shit anymore . but like yeah over things that probably dont necessitate that reaction #like .yeah . reading up on cannibalism at 1am fucks me up for that night.. #like idk this shit just leaves me feeling OFF KILTER and then i feel like someone is always watching me #and it just leaves me feeling so on edge and its even worse when its at night when im the only one in the house who's awake #and now like. literally there is no reason to feel like that when this album is dealing with dementia #there is no external threat when its about a mental illness of your own brain #but god damn i cant go to the bathroom at 1am without feeling freaked the fuck out LOL #LIKE IDK THIS ALBUM IS JUST GIVING ME EVERY SINGLE NEGATIVE EMOTION #grief? misery? supreme sadness? nostalgia? loneliness? paranoia? fear? #and its weird bc AS i was listening to it i was mostly focused on the. grief and sadness #i was so preoccupied thinking abt my own experiences irl #its only AFTER the fact that i started thinking abt the. sheer existential fear and dread of losing who you are #like only AFTER the fact am i feeling the Uneasiness.. the Dread.. #as i was listening to it i was just sobbing but then as i cleaned myself up and took a shower it was like #oh shit lol O_O #and for the past DAY ive just been trying to chase that unease away by listening to pop music and shit but like #idk its still WITH me i cannot escape it. the pop music just feels like a thin shield like its doing nothing to keep it at bay lol #it distracts me for the 3 minutes its on but as soon as its off its like. oh haha O_O #like i stayed up on my laptop till 3am last night to work on hw and it was just freaking me out SO badly #being in my dark bedroom with my glasses on and being painfully aware of how silent the house is #im gonna have to stay up tonight again as well <3 AUGHGH #and like idk i just cannot stop thinking about like. death and dying and the afterlife and what it means to be alive at all #like even if im not feeling that unease im still Thinking about it like omg #brot posts #LIKE ALL THIS TO SAY YES I NEED TO FINISH IT