#grieving dead parents

[donnatroyyyy]

I feel like Jason’s character is much more interesting when his dad was (as he originally was btw) a good dad that was just trying his best.

#Like I get why people like to make his dad abusive but think of the other choice #think of Jason Todd who’s parents both got failed by Gotham and the world. Jason who used to be happy and loved. Jason who knew both his #parents had been trying their absolute best. think of Jason grieving both of them and angry at what the world made of two people who were #just trying their best for their kid and ended up dead. and then think of Jason turning to justice and kindness instead of hatred. #dc comics #comics #robin #batfam #bruce wayne #batman #jason todd #redhood #dick grayson #damian wayne #tim drake #batfamily #batclan #jason todd wayne #jason peter todd #DCU #detective comics

[undertheredhood]

jason accidentally trauma-dumps to this masked vigilante who he’s somehow immediately comfortable trusting while willis todd who is not dead and is very much still alive (but still hasn’t told his only living child yet) is internally screaming “WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY PRECIOUS BABY BOY?!?!?!?”

#dc comics #dc universe #dcu #batman #red hood #jason todd #jason peter todd #jason was never the angry robin #wingman #willis todd #nah because why does dc make poor people be completely awful people? #look if willis todd was awful why does jason love him so much? #good parent willis todd #jason is different from the rest of the bats because unlike them he grieved his parents (especially his mom) long before they died #jason probably found out that willis was presumed dead long after it happened (because he was living on the streets for quite some time) #anyways willis is listening to jason nonchalantly speak about his trauma and is resisting the urge to beat bruce up #willis while carrying a 220 lb crime lord and sobbing: my precious baby what have they done to you? #danny todd (jason’s canonical older brother) is watching beyond the grave wondering why willis won’t tell jason who he is #jason starts talking about willis and willis is trying his hardest not to cry because he thought jason would hate him but it’s the opposite #like jason has so much love in his heart and honestly i wish someone would actually appreciate that

[rubydubydoo122]

I’ve had a thought that Charlie Gillespie would make a great Jason Todd. And then I had an even better thought.

Jason Todd singing Unsaid Emily to Bruce

#jason todd #batman #red hood #robin jason todd #julie and the phantoms #charlie gillespie #my dead boys singing to their grieving parents

[queseraphita]

It didn't truly strike me harder how devastating the grief and trauma Cheng Xiaoshi felt about that Chen Xiao mission and how he was probably raised in that part of China by his parents and having to confront the feelings of all the people he had bonds with in that area until i was reading posts from Chinese readers explaining how Cheng Xiaoshi has a northern accent and Lu Guang has a southern Chinese accent

#like i knew knew from the story and i vaguely remember that event in 2008 on the news as a child #which also just fucks me up just being similar age as these characters #but i am just depressed and sad knowing that cxs grieved cx's mother with that lullaby #i personally feel like that mission was what allowed cxs to truly grieve the absence of his parents and the possibility that theyre dead #everything about it breaks my heart but i sympathize with that grief that won't let you cry #cxs unshakeable faith being rocked by vicariously feeling the ups and downs of love from a parent #shiguang daili ren #link click #mikh talks #i always end up missing those nuances but i end up appreciating them x10 more #this show is made with so much love hope grief yearning despair

[mishapen-dear]

(ao3)

The worst thing, Bad knows, is the way that nothing changes. 

The clouds move slow across the sky, gentle giants on an eternal trek. The waters dance with fish; the brooks burble and sing. Grass grows. Sheep eat. Grass regrows. 

On, and on, and on, and on. 

Bad breathes in, slow, and holds it. 

It’s enough to go mad over. To become enraged for. To rip everything down just so that everything can match the- the keening lack in his heart. Grass grows. Grass has always grown. There is nothing that could ever stop grass from growing. 

His hands are curled into the ground at his sides. He clutches handfuls of the wretched plant and pulls, almost gently, and doesn’t snap a single blade.

He exhales, slow, and doesn’t inhale again. What point is there? He’s alone. No one will know whether or not he needs to breathe. He’s been alone before- days that Dapper doesn’t wake up, days where the other eggs are with their other parents. Days where he falls asleep in his chair and the ghosts are left to amuse themselves. He’s been alone before. 

He’s lost before. 

There is a sob in his throat. He refuses to let it out. It chokes him, and he takes another deep breath to try to settle it. 

There’s always- he misses Skeppy. Of course he misses Skeppy. He can’t lose Skeppy, but Skeppy isn’t here.

Dapper isn’t here. Pomme isn’t here. Richarlyson. Leo. Ramon. Chayanne. Tallulah. They’re-

Bad tears the grass out of the ground. He stares at his hands, dark claws curled around torn green plant. He tries to imagine the grass is white fur instead, but he can’t find the enthusiasm. That’s okay. The anger will be back later. 

He just- he can’t feel much beyond the loss, right now. The lack. The empty, quiet island where sheep eat grass and clouds keep moving and no eggs place any signs at all. That’s not okay, but he knows that, at least, will change. That’s how grief works. The world ends, and you end with it, and while you claw yourself up from the rubble the world ends again and sends you back under, and then again, and then again, but by the third go around you know what the tremors look like. You start to predict where it hurts the most. Then the world keeps ending but the ending just becomes a part of your world, and sometimes everything shakes but you shake with it and it’s not okay but it’s better. You get so used to the shaking that sometimes you forget that your world ever ended at all. 

How long will it take for him to forget them? 

Bad leans forwards, slowly, until he slumps into a miserable little puddle of limbs. He presses his cheek into the cool grass and when the sob rises up again he bites it back with teeth. The sun is blocked by a sombrero, now fallen awkwardly over his face, that Foolish had cheerfully placed on his head hours before. Bad doesn’t know why Foolish had put it there- except he does, and he’d seen it in the in the slightest tremor of Foolish’s smile, and so he’d kept it on. 

He can’t see them, but he can hear them laughing. Mouse, Jaiden, and Foolish, just around the corner. There have been so many people ‘just around the corner’ today. They’re so loud. They’re not the right type of loud. He feels guilty for the way that they’re comforting him, that he’s taking up their time, and then he feels angry that he feels guilty because he remembers the cage, and he knows what he really means to them, and-

They’re still here. The eggs are gone, and they’re still here. 

Forever isn’t here. 

Forever hasn’t given him a gift basket yet. 

…

…It doesn’t work. It’s a close thing, though- there’s a flicker of irritation at the thought of Forever’s awful, handsome face. Not anger, not nearly enough emotion to fill the void that is Bad’s heart, but maybe it could be. He’ll try again tomorrow. Isn’t that fun? Isn’t that something? There’s so much emotion he can’t feel any of it at all. 

Maybe it’s a bad dream. There were no remains. There was just Dapper’s top hat, and Pomme’s beret. No shell, no dead eggs. No eggs. It’s driving him mad, the maybe-yes maybe-no nature of his children’s fate.

He thinks, maybe, that tomorrow he will build a drill. 

Today, the world is dark beneath the sombrero, and the grass is scratchy and full of small twigs. Foolish laughs once, too loud. Automatically, Bad pushes himself up, because he knows Foolish, and knows how long he’s been away from the group, and he feels sick. He fumbles for his warpstone and- Foolish’s head pops around the corner- Bad freezes. Too late. 

Foolish looks at him, grin bright and neverending. Bad looks back. He can’t bring himself to say anything- he drops the sombrero at their feet. 

Foolish’s smile fades. Bad activates his warpstone again and, though the particles, he sees Foolish give him a sharp, left-handed salute. Bad can’t bite back his little laugh; Foolish knows him, too.

And then Foolish is gone. The world is purple. Then the world ends, once again, in Bad’s home. All of Dapper’s machines have stopped. Echoing noise to almost-echoing silence. Ah. Right. None of the island’s machines are working correctly. Bad will have to make a smaller drill. But he will build his drill, and he will dig, and he will find his son. 

“Dapper?” he calls, his voice cracking. The sound echoes. Only the animals answer back- they’re the only thing that stops the base from being completely silent. Grass grows. Sheep eat. Grass regrows. There’s so many animals here. What good company. It occurs to Bad, suddenly, that they’re good company. Dapper is gone, and his animals are still here, and Bad- 

He won’t kill Dapper’s pets. He is suddenly holding his scythe and he won’t hurt his son’s pets because he can’t trade them for his son and there’s a special sort of heartache to the fact that his son left behind instructions to machines that don’t work and so many animals that can’t keep Bad company the way Dapper kept him company and Bad- 

He’s holding his scythe. He’s holding the Sunshine Protector. He tries to take a breath but it comes out stuttery and he bites his tongue and. Dapper was-is always so sweet. He made Bonnie to keep Bad company, and Bad is always haunted by little ghosts but now most of all he is haunted by the love of his son. 

“Where are you?” His voice cracks on the third word. He stumbles to Dapper’s room and doesn’t think about the fact that they never got to build one for Pomme.  

The hole in his heart could swallow an island. 

Please don’t take- 

The scythe gets left outside. Bad can’t bear to look at it. Protector. There is a secure door in front of him that keeps nothing secure because now there is nothing to protect and Bad- 

-my sunshine away. 

He falls to his knees next to the empty bed. He chokes out, “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, Dapper.”

When the sob rises again, he lets it.

#qsmp #mishapen words #qsmp badboyhalo #first qsmp fic YIPPEEE #and its about #child death #and #angst #YIPPEEE #or child-missing lmao #i dont think the eggs are dead but i do think this is an uh oh #fun fact i started this a few weeks ago and then picked it up again after the uh. you know #VERY pleased with myself with my bbh read and predicting he'd be p quiet i love it when i can understand these weirdass cubes #the contradictions throughout weren't intentional until i realized they were happening and i leaned into it #i bet bad chose 'you are my sunshine' as a song for dapper SPECIFICALLY because then he could sing and cry about the second verse #after he lost his very fragile egg #which. i hope he never has to do that again that broke my fucking heart #he's just... qbad is an immortal who has grieved before but then he found skeppy and didnt have to keep grieving and now skeppy is gone and #his kids are gone and all he has left are his friends who he feels very betrayed by but who are all so. fucking kind about the loss #and they all lost their children but just like jaiden said he's like a third parent to all the eggs #he lost his kids and his bonus kids and he once sunk a city but what is the grief of thousands of strangers compared to the grief of #seven little eggs he loved so dearly #one little egg he would protect over skeppy #just....... idk its v late im gonna schedule this post i dont know if im making sense but the EGGS #the BADBOYHALO #the grief :c

[annamaryllis]

I would like to know exactly how luke asking annabeth to run away with him went down.

#annabeth🥺 #it's sad to think about how it'll be so much harder for annabeth to unpack and heal from that relationship bc he's dead #it's hard enough to come to terms with someone you love/held in high esteem hurting you so deeply #but she's also grieving him too so it's even harder to hold him accountable to herself and recognizing the good and the bad #she may struggle to not romanticize the memory of him #sorting through what about their relationship was pure and genuine and what was fueled by other stuff #both of their trauma really played into it in some of the worst ways... #but to even recognize how her trauma played into it she'd have to identify what her trauma even is and how it's affected her life #it's really complex and difficult work #and bc he's gone she'll never get to question him on stuff like what he was thinking at certain points and why #so certain things will never get the best closure #ugh it's all so fucked up #MAYBE SOMETHING WE COULD HAVE EXPLORED IN HOO RICHARD???? BUT NO #and it would have been perfect too bc she'd also be dealing with issues caused by both of her parents triggered by the MoA quest #like her mother's conditional love #and trauma from her mortal family #and her fear of spiders relates to both of these things bc it's a phobia that's passed down from her mom's actions #so she's being punished for something she's not responsible for and also being burdened with a quest simply for being her mother's daughter #and it also represents her mortal family's neglect bc they ignored her needs and all that... #AND THEN the only person she's received actually pure and good unconditional love from was snatched from her for 6 months #and the MoA quest could have been a way to confront some of these fears and wounds...so she's a little stronger by tartarus which #should bring out the best in her and the worst in percy #and then he can work through some stuff too down there #HoO could have been a journey for them where they're undone and then healed #bc at the end of everything they have the medicine to literally everything which is real love (which they have for each other intensely) #the rant I could go on about this...I have so many thoughts about what HoO should have been. maybe one day #annabeth chase #luke castellan #✏️

[theothermaidoftarth]

Baela and the Myth of the Child Fighting Pits

Not sure why I keep seeing from green-leaning accounts that in Fire and Blood, Baela visited the child fighting pits. But this is what F&B says about Baela post-Dance:

Nothing about child fighting pits. In fact this is what shows up when I search ‘pits’ in Fire and Blood:

The definition of a rat pit according to awoiaf:

Not the best of places, I’m not going to defend it but there’s nothing about children there (also lower down it’s stated Mushroom said these are the places Aegon II would frequent, which the show turned into child fighting pits).

Also saw it said on here that Baela celebrated Jaehaerys’ murder… Her reaction was not recorded.

Baela is many things and she is not perfect but what I’m seeing is just not accurate. And that’s not even getting into what I’ve seen on Reddit where they say she wasn’t faithful to Jace before his death and was kissing squires while he was in Winterfell. (Narrator: she wasn’t.)

#Fire and Blood #baela targaryen #forget media literacy #actual literacy seems to be dead #though I lean green in some ways this is why I’m not really into the whole ‘team’ thing #except ‘team chaos’ tbh #hotd #kinda #since one account which espoused what’s said above also said Baela’s a bully in the show #Were we watching the same show #Guess they’re talking about the fight with Aemond and I like Aemond but all the kids were in the wrong there #the girls less than the boys since they were grieving #dealing with a deadbeat dad who barely acknowledged their existence the whole time they were there #and they also hardly knew anything about the bullying and taunts Aemond had faced growing up #all the kids were in the wrong but I could see why they all did what they did and how it escalated #the blame should be on the adults above anyone #the fight between the children was a microcosm and consequence of the animosity between their parents #I also think it’s interesting the amount of parallels between Viserra and Baela #Not just the pits but the drunken rides through King’s Landing and betrothals arranged btwn them and men old enough to be their grandfather #I don’t think we’re supposed to take Baela’s actions post dance wholly as a leisure jaunt #They’re also rooted in trauma from most of her family being dead in a bloody and brutal civil war

[llycaons]

'poor heroic tragic saint jiang cheng' is actually my favorite jc misinterpretation it is just so fucking funny. I'll watch the man advocate to abandon a group of political prisoners to state-sanctoined genocide, constantly yell about his issues, threaten his nephew and everyone else around him, and abuse his power to intentionally trigger his traumatized brother bc he's mad at him and I go online and see posts about how he's so strong and noble and a great parent/leader despite suffering so much. LIKE

#did he at one point have good intentions and noble goals? yes #did he suffer? oh yeah #did he sacrifice? and was it a secret? you betcha #did this make him into a stoic hero who never talks about his own suffering but just supports his people/protects his nephew? no fucking wa #that man is so self-centered and fixated on his own grievances that he spent over a decade trying to permakill his brother #AFTER HIS BROTHER ALREADY COMMITTED SUICIDE #and he taught his sister's son to hate their brother even KNOWING how much jyl loved wwx and how much she considered them all family #bc he's more interested in his own gratification and his own anger and grieve rather than jyl's wishes or her own legacy #or even jl's happiness. fuck #but all we see is him being a dick to jl and constantly reminding him that his parents are dead and it was wwx's fault #he IS protective of him and I love the zidian scene but that's buried under the bs he puts him through #AND THIS IS A GOOD THING!! HE'S A GOOD CHARACTER!! #and it DOES make him a good foil to lwj!! which is an important part of the text!! #ppl will take the exact opposite of what a story is trying to say smh #cql txp

[orcelito]

As for my post this morning. If anyone was worried. Me personally I'm okay (I guess) but my dad's in the hospital and things r still very up in the air. So.

#speculation nation #bracing myself for the possibility of Major Grief.....2!!!! #well actualy more like 3 or 4 or 5 (lol lol lol) #but likely the worst one bc it's. my dad. that's my dad. #i left work early to visit him at the hospital. hes stable rn at least (he wasnt this morning) #he wasnt conscious though. and i really really hope he ends up okay #but. i still saw my dad unconscious in a hospital bed hooked up to like a million tubes and #thats my dad. Thats my Dad. #im really trying to not do my processing until after i know for sure how things are gonna go #dont wanna start grieving until after he's officially gone #so im trying not to think about it. but it's still... yeah. unpleasant. #and theres a part of me thats so so resentful. if i have to have a dead parent why would it be the Good one? #take my fucking mom instead. hell my life would even be BETTER without her. horrible as that is to say. #but it's my dad. he's not perfect. he has his flaws. but he's still tried in a way she never ever did. #seeing him like that makes me feel so... small. makes me remember being picked up by him. #makes me remember riding on the back of his harley as a tiny little 10 year old with a helmet that was giant on me #we'll hope for the best. we'll hope for a recovery. even if not a full recovery. i just want to have my dad. #sorry. this is probably too real for my tumblr dot com. it's just been... a lot today. #negative/ #death/ #hospitals ment/ #idfk. sorry

[sheilaerinniperonista]

it was a small passing comment in the story but when its mentioned Sheila saw her dog get beaten to death when she was a kid and it made her feel like humankind was just like that (+ her sister's murder afterwards cementing that worldview)... augh.

#fugo.txt #like. idk i feel like im repeating myself but i cant stress this shit enough man. she was just a little girl #she was like 10 #damn. #and like by that point she had already very much gone thru a lot of death. her parents were gone and the only family she had was her sister #and the only friend she had was her dog. #and then they both died. and she saw them die. right after the other. and then she was completely alone #idk looking at it thru that lense its not surprising at all that she decided to do all that. she was grieving and she didn't have anyone- #-to guide her in that. and the only logical progression she could fathom is that whoever killed her sister should suffer the same. #and deep down she knows she's doing this for herself because she doesn't KNOW what else to do. and she feels guilty. what would clara even- #think of her? and even if she's all oh illuso is dead and he suffered. so she can rest easy. you can SEE she never got any closure at all. #thats why she froze up when fighting against kocaqi. his sister also died right in front of him. but he did what she couldnt do #he gave her peace of mind. he gave her a dignified death. she died happy. clara didnt. and sheila can NEVER give that to her #all she can do is posthumously give her peace by murdering her murderer. but would Clara want that? #ugh man. its 2:30 am i should be sleeping i have a class to retake at 11:50 #but. man.. #please take the time to think of her tjis december

[starrcross]

day 12 without my dad, I’ve decided i’m going to write a list of some of the new things i really hate:

I hate riding in the car

I hate those split second moments when i go to show him something or call him or look for him before i remember that he’s gone

I hate seeing my mom so broken

I hate talking about him in the past tense

I hate nighttime

I hate the question “how are you doing?”

I hate Teslas

I hate the passage of time

I hate funeral arrangements

I hate not knowing where he is

I hate how long it takes to get a death certificate

I hate Intensive care units

I hate the guilt i feel when i have happy moments

I hate that lump in your throat tightness in your chest feeling

I hate that he’ll never get to turn 50

I hate that to him i’ll always be 18

I hate that i wasn’t awake when he left that morning

I hate the “5 stages of grief”

I hate the thought of birthdays and holidays without him

I hate how he’s everywhere in every corner of my life but also nowhere

I hate the half drank can of fizzy water on his desk that he’ll never finish

I hate that this happened to him of all people

#grief #grief/mourning #grieving #grief poetry #tw grief #parent loss #dead dad club #things i hate #grief journal #i miss you

[note-boom]

One of the things that has been eating away at my brain is the idea of Buraiha SSK + Kyouka. And I just don't mean them as a second generation Buraiha (that too, but that's another post/tag ramble) but as a sort of...role-reserve/AU of that.

Part of it was inspired by this role-reverse AU that I re-discovered recently (and messed me up once again because guys. It's SO compelling to think about). But part of me has always liked to think about Kyouka, Atsushi, and Akutagawa as a trio rather than a duo.

Spoilers for the linked fanfic, but.

At first, I thought Oda!Kyouka and Dazai!Atsushi with Akutagawa being a sort of Ango who stays in the PM, as it went in the fanfic. And it IS compelling, especially when you see Beast and how well Atsushi fits into the PM. How Kyouka was a former assassin just like Odasaku but got roped into the PM because they didn't believe they could be better. A Kyouka who doesn't kill people, too, also...(I could honestly see her canon arc going like that)

But then my thoughts went to...okay, but what if. Atsushi as Odasaku (aka, dying) with Kyouka and Akutagawa as their own sort of...individual characters that roughly follow the same arc but not really. Because in canon, it's Atsushi that has both the strong bond with either, or its his strong bond with them both that's emphasized. Kyouka and Akutagawa do have a meaningful relationship but I do feel it gets sidelined (sort of like sometimes I wonder how Oda and Ango were canonically like, Dazai-less, though they give me a bit of a Dazai and Ango vibe as well given the whole former superior thing).

So what this is all to say is an Atsushi who adopts a bunch of children and doesn't kill after a meaningful encounter with literature but breaks that oath after the lives he valued are run over, a Kyouka who is lifeless after joining the PM and gets pulled into the light because of her dying friend's request, and an Akutagawa who was a spy for the government after it offered him and his sister protection but didn't want any of this to really happen (from mafia dog to government dog).

#look #if akutagawa can be an ada member in beast #then he can be a heartbroken government spy missing his friends in this au #i could also see kyouka and aku switch places #also youd think i would have (spoilers for the manga and s5) aku dying given that hes....actually dead in canon #and now i regret not having that as my premise because a government spy kyouka following after her parents' footsteps?? #and an atsushi grieving his friends death? #and akutagawa canonically already was about to go on a suicide kill mission for dead friends #then dazai got him instead of death #anyway you see? theres a lot of potential for this! #i am insane i know. but uh...wheres that post about my takes not being wrong but actually great deductions? #cause yeah....lets say that? #sometimes i wish i was a good writer so i could actually WRITE for these guys #but this is what i have #bsd #bsd musings #note's nonsense #bsd kyouka #bsd atsushi #bsd akutagawa #shin soukoku #buraiha #alternate universe

[thinfatfit]

No parents club

#dead parents #grief #grieving #death #no parents #No parents club #dead parents club #death tw #grief tw #tw

[skeleticals]

ok so we are basically certain that codeflippas one and only mission is to corrupt slime like a virus infecting him day by day.

#it's basically confirming the theory bbh had very early on #which was that codes are almost like a virus in the “simulation” #and since the fed is all about perfection they sort of. barely acknowledge them. #and if they do they brush off the danger they bring to not only the islands but the members of it as well #qsmp #chatter #this also means that the code!dead eggs are just there to manipulate the grieving parents. which is. sad #the codes and the feds are two sides of the same coin. so different yet they do nearly the same things.

[illputdownmyrootswhenimdead]

the good ol "i dont see my child as an individual with their own mind, thoughts, opinions, and unique needs, and instead i see them as an object that i can control and make plans and set up expectations for for without problem or consideration, and if they aren't in the narrow boundaries of what i want them to be, i will act like they have died and talk about how hard this is for ME" special

#child abuse // #transphobia // #ableism // #sorry for how long these tags are i have too many thoughts in my brain. sorry #transphobic parents: im losing my daughter/son :(( its so hard :(( this is literally the same as my child being dead :(( #im watching them destroy themselves :(((( #trans kid: *literally just asked to be called different pronouns or cut their hair or something* #vs #ableist parents: my child doesnt even let me hug them :(( sure its a really unpleasant feeling for them that is very distressing but #what about ME?? :(( my child not liking physical affection is the HARDEST THING EVER im such a brave parent #autistic kid: *just doesnt like being touched because it feels bad and needs other sensory accommodations* #like legit transphobic parents and ableist parents use really similar language to talk about their kids #a lot of implications or outright statements that their children are 'gone' and that their current child is some kind of impostor #do these people think changelings are real?? did they miss the boat on that??? #and the 'im grieving my child' thing is so fucking dumb im sorry #your child isnt dead! theyre the same fucking person dumbass #your child didnt disappear when they realized they were trans or got diagnosed with autism. like. theyre still your fucking kid #these kinds of thoughts lead into shit like this story i heard about online about a father who became an alcoholic #because his son is trans and starting HRT. like this dad completely blames his addiction on his son being trans #because 'his daughter is destroying herself' and 'this stuff tears families apart' #newsflash you dumbfuck your son isnt at fault for you becoming an alcoholic instead of going to therapy to deal with any #complicated feelings or stress due to your son coming out #he did not hold you down and force alcohol down your throat you made the conscious goddamn choice to do that #because youre soooooo distraught that your beautiful daughter is gone :(( #fucking cry about it maybe? #and with ableist parents theres a lot of talk about how they dont feel like their child loves them or how THEY find it hard to love them #which. again. its not their fucking fault its yours for not getting help to fix your shit #just because your child doesnt show affection in the way you do doesnt mean they dont love you or that you shouldnt love them #if you cant love your kid because of them being autistic thats a problem that you need to see a therapist about it. jackass #do not blame your kids!! for your issues!! they can tell!!! and it fucking hurts!!!!!!

[biillys]

oh ohhhhhhh ohhh wait. wait a fucking minute. listen. listen!!!!

flayed!billy and neil having an run-in a few days before The End. flayed!billy not scaring as easily, actually not scaring at all, compared to actual real!billy. turning right back on neil. except the mindflayer has a soft spot for his host becos the mindflayers fucked like that, so instead of just killing neil, the mindflayer decides to play with it's food for a bit.

real!billy doing his Thing and managing to get that one tear out. becos his dad may be a piece of shit but surely, surely, out of everyone, he would be able to figure out something's wrong. that billy's not billy. the desperation and the hope that maybe this is it, maybe this is only option, maybe making him just that little bit stronger. maybe him getting a 'dad, help, please' with a few more tears out before the mindflayer takes over again. but neil's a fucking coward at most and a piss poor excuse of a father at best, so he takes one look at billy crying, begging, and shakes off any doubt's and worry's, and treats him like he always does when billy turns to water under his weight.

he makes his voice harder, his grip tighter. his words crystal fucking clear.

and then flayed!billy is shoving him off, stronger than neil's ever felt him, and he's laughing, but not in a way neil's ever heard him laugh. and then he's turning to walk right out the door, camaro keys in hand, even though neil just grounded him for the entire fourth of july weekend, except he turns around just before he makes it outside, face completely blank and familiar, but neil's never seen this person before in his life, and says 'when billy and i have finished what we started, i'll come back for you.' and then he's gone.

and neil picks himself up from where he was crumpled against the kitchen counter, shakes himself off, and denies everything that just happened in the past 15 minutes. grips the bench to stop his hands from shaking, and promises himself that next time he sees billy, then he'll really let him have it. that just because billy thinks he's old enough to throw his own weight around, doesn't mean he's gonna get away with it under this roof.

except billy never comes home, and then it's the fourth of july, and neil and susan are trying to enjoy a nice dinner at home, a dinner that both their children were meant to be home for but aren't, but at least him and susan are having a lovely night. they enjoy it right up until the phone rings late that night, and then they're speeding to starcourt mall, and there's smoke and flashing lights and fucking military everywhere, and max is distraught, hugging susan like she's the only family she has left, and no one will tell him anything about billy except for a brief 'billy didn't make it, we're sorry for your loss.'

they won't let him identify the body. won't even release the body to be buried. won't tell him why all those people were in the mall after opening hours, what max and her friends were doing there. what started the fire. why there was fucking military clearing the scene. won't even give him a cause of death.

and every single time he closes his eyes, he hears 'when billy and i have finished what we started, i'll come back for you.'

he starts hearing it when his eyes are open, too, when he's trying to put together the funeral. when he tries to go back to normal life, back to his job, where his boss pulls him aside and gives him time off until his current family situation can stop effecting his work, back home, where there's no longer loud music shaking the doors, no car flooring it up the street, no fourth place set at the table for dinner, no shitty attitude and lousy excuses and brave backtalk.

everything's suddenly so fucking quiet.

so he fixes it. overcorrects. takes his sleepless nights and his workless days out on susan, is loud and brash and a constant immovable object. makes sure it's never quiet again. susan kicks him to the curb within a month, threatening police involvement if he doesn't leave quickly and quietly.

so, he leaves.

(then, susan and max leave for the trailer park, becos neil Left. and that's all susan will say on the matter. and then the upside down comes back with a new big bad, and max is right back in the thick of things in a way she never was before, but then suddenly billy's back. billy's alive, and he's back, and he's pulling himself with his bare fucking hands out of the upside fucking down before reaching around and helping her pull herself out and he's covered in blood and black goo and scars and injuries for days and, honestly, she probably doesn't look much better, but he's coughing and bleeding yet his heart's still fucking beating. and they somehow fucking found and saved each other.

and max is sitting by his bedside in hospital after every single surgery, and she keeps him company and puts headphones over his ears to listen to music and picks out the comic books that she knows he likes to read and she does her best to just never mention anything home related.

billy makes it a week after being back from the dead before he asks about neil.

'he left,' she says, because that's all that matters.

and billy fucking remembers. he remembers how hard he fought, how it took everything within him to overpower the mindflayer, even for those brief few seconds. how the only thing on his mind was this is it. this is my only chance. this is all i've got. and he remembers neil's eyes, wide, scared, fearful, but the second billy broke through, the moment billy shed a tear, fucking begged for help, his voice cracking over the word 'dad', neil went from speechless to loud. his eyes going from uncertain to cold. how the one time billy remembers asking his dad for help, probably the first time he's asked his dad for help since he was a kid, neil didn't even take even a moment to think about it. just took one look at him begging and crying, and steamrolled right over him, fucking sentenced him to death. all because he asked for fucking help.

billy closes his eyes and nods, doesn't think he could ever face neil again without falling apart for good.)

#idk what this is im very sorry!!!!! #anyway neil runs back to california before he even realises thats where he's heading #and ends up on billys mums doorstep #becos he always knew where she ran to when she left. he's not stupid. she never really fucking tried to hide. #and he tells her billys dead. because he may be battling his own parental demons and while she may have her own parental demons #they both loved billy in their own fucked up way. not a way he deserved but they're unreliable narrators at best #and he knows that hes the reason she left. and why she left billy too. #that of neil was a different kind of man; she would've tried to take billy too; but neil was the one with the job and the money #and she had none of that. she wouldntve stood a chance in court. #its fanfic and unrealistic so i can wholeheartedly say they end up back together becos unhealthy relationships + shitty coping mechanisms #obviously are the right choice to grieve your dead child. its the perfect midlife crisis. #anyway YEARS later when billys back in california and he someway somehow runs into them #and sees his dad who he still to this day blames for his death #and his mum who once told him that the reason his dad and her always fought was becos of him #together??? bro causes a fucking earthquake #im kidding hes just like. he was going so well and healing so good and max was so proud #and then he starts spiraling again. #okay enough from me again idk what this is im sorry #m #nqff