Dear Diary: Oscar, Janet, Charles and/or Günter
Jesus Sapph you really want to kill me don't you /j
Things are going very well. I pleased my father today. This may be enough to keep me from being beaten tonight, but it certainly isn't enough for me to eat. I'm starving. My younger sister brought me food for a while, but once father found out, she was dispersed and I was whipped. I miss her.
My brother is excelling in everything, as always. He has never gotten punished. He's perfect. I want to be more like him. I want father to praise me like he does my brother. I want to be perfect. Why must I only get noticed when I do something wrong?
My fangs are growing in. It hurts. But I won't complain. Demons don't complain. My father will bathe me in holy water if I complain. I hate holy things. They hurt. That's why they're bad.
Father is calling me. He sounds angry... but he always does. I must go, otherwise I might get hurt.
I fell asleep outside today, while watching Mary and Artie play. I didn't even realize I was tired. I hate myself for being so weak. It's been years since I was rescued, why am I not better yet? I really worried Artie, he's so young and he doesn't know why mommy is so tired. I'm scared I won't be able to protect my children if I have to.
Günter found me and brought the kids and I inside. He told them that mommy needed to sleep and that he would play with them after he put me to bed. I woke up a few times, but I was so tired that I couldn't even move.
I'm scared that one day I'll fall asleep and I won't wake up.
I've failed her. I've failed my darling Jenny. Every time I think I've found her, I'm wrong. Braith tells me that she must have died, but I don't believe that. I can't believe that. I don't want to. It's been over a century since the incident, and everyone else has given up.
At least, everyone except William. I grieve for him. Not only has he lost his sister, but he lost his father as well. Auguste and him were very close, and Janet was even closer. I can't even bring myself to talk to him. I'm a failure, how could I even look him in the eyes? I should've done something better. I should've been able to stop what happened.
Braith says I should stop drinking so much. I don't want to. It helps with the pain. It's better than opium. She agrees with that, but she keeps insisting that I should try to cut back on the alcohol. She tried to hide my stash once. She did not do it again. Why am I such a failure?
I've finally done it. I've proposed to Janet. She said yes, and is currently celebrating with her mortal family. I'm so happy. Charles may not have approved but I love Janet. I love her so much. I'm going to protect her with my life.
Hanna was happy for me. She practically raised me, so of course she was excited. I'm sure papa and vati would be proud if they were here. I miss them. They're here in spirit. I know they are.
Janet is calling me over. I must go now.
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