#guess that's the struggle of learning new programs though

[16woodsequ]

100 Asexual Books Rec List

For this list the goal is fiction books with a main character or significant secondary character that is on the Asexual spectrum, or non-fiction books about being Aspec.

Junior Novels

1. Rick by Alex Gino An eleven year old boy starting middle school begins discovering his asexuality admist the school's rainbow spectrum club. Also features transgender and crossdressing side characters, as well as a LGBTQIAP+ supporting cast.

2. Sal & Gabi Break the Universe by Carlos Alberto Pablo Hernandez In order to heal after his mother's death, Sal learned how to meditate. But no one expected him to be able to take it further and 'relax' things into existence. Turns out he can reach into time and space to retrieve things from other universes. Asexual Sal.

3. Hazel's Theory of Evolution by Lisa Jenn Bigelow Hazel knows a lot about the world. But even Hazel doesn't have answers for the questions awaiting her as she enters eighth grade. What if no one at her new school gets her, and she doesn't make any friends? What's going to happen to one of her moms, who's pregnant again after having two miscarriages? Why does everything have to change when life was already perfectly fine? Hazel (main character) is asexual and aromantic (it isn't said in the book, but it is specified in the author's note at the back of the book).

4. The Trouble with Robots by Michelle Mohrweis Evelyn strives for excellence. Allie couldn't care less. Together, these polar opposites must work together if they have any hope of saving their school's robotics program. Allie is asexual and/or aromantic. Junior graphic novel.

5. This is Our Rainbow by Editors Katherine Locke and Nicole Melleby Featuring contributions from Eric Bell, Katherine Locke and A.J. Sass, this first LGBTQA+ anthology for middle-grade readers presents stories of queer fantasy, historical and contemporary stories for every letter of the acronym.

6. Every Bird a Prince by Jenn Reese After she saves the life of a bird prince and becomes their champion, seventh grader Eren Evers must defend a forest kingdom, save her mom, and keep the friendships she holds dear--if she is brave enough to embrace her inner truths. Eren is aromantic (and I'm guessing asexual, though that isn't discussed).

YA Fiction

7. When Villains Rise by Rebecca Schaeffer With her best friend, Kovit's, life in danger, Nita is determined to take down the black market once and for all. Latina asexual and aromantic main character (Nita).

8. The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue by Mackenzi Lee Henry "Monty" Montague was bred to be a gentleman. His passions for gambling halls, late nights spent with a bottle of spirits, or waking up in the arms of women or men, have earned the disapproval of his father. His quest for pleasures and vices have led to one last hedonistic hurrah as Monty, his best friend and crush Percy, and Monty's sister Felicity begin a Grand Tour of Europe. When a reckless decision turns their trip abroad into a harrowing manhunt, it calls into question everything Monty knows, including his relationship with the boy he adores. Aro/ace secondary character (prequel to a Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy).

9. The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee A year after an accidentally whirlwind grand tour with her brother Monty, Felicity Montague has returned to England with two goals in mind—avoid the marriage proposal of a lovestruck suitor from Edinburgh and enroll in medical school. A highly loved book in regards to asexual portrayal, Felicity’s journey does a fantastic job of exploring the struggle of navigating a world where marriage is expected of women in order to function in society. Even more refreshing is Felicity isn’t just avoiding getting married out of a sole rebellion against the patriarchy (though those themes are also present), but simply because she doesn’t have an interest in sexual or romantic relationships at all.

10. Silver in the Mist by Emily Victoria Asexual Devlin has grown up in the shadow of her mother’s impressive spy network—and the shadow of the kingdom, too. A magical mist is eating away at their borders, weakening their magic and making them vulnerable to attacks. Devlin is tasked with infiltrating the royal court of the wealthier neighboring kingdom, but when she befriends their most powerful magic wielder, she discovers an ancient mystery that may hold the key to defeating the mists for good. Victoria prioritizes strong friendships between queer characters and an examination of wealth disparity in this fantasy full of twists and turns.

11. Not Good for Maidens by Tori Bovalino Beneath the streets of York, the goblin market calls to the Wickett women-the family of witches that tends to its victims. For generations, they have defended the old cobblestone streets with their magic. Knowing the dangers, they never entered the market-until May Wickett fell for a goblin girl, accepted her invitation, and became inextricably tied to the world her family tried to protect her from. Told through dual narratives in different timelines, the book essentially has two protagonists: Lou and May. Between these two characters, we have some great queer representation for both asexuality and bisexuality.

12. A Snake Falls to Earth by Darcie Little Badger Themes of magic, family, asexuality, and traditional storytelling dominate in Lipan Apache author Darcie Little Badger's delightful and uplifting second YA novel. A Lipan girl named Nina collides with Oli who is from the land of spirits and monsters. But some people will do anything to keep them apart. This is a wholesome, elegantly written read guaranteed to warm your heart! 

13. Arden Grey by Ray Stoeve Arden Grey is a novel about different kinds of abusive relationships, as well as the strength of family and friendships. Following her parents' separation, Arden is depressed and coming to accept herself as being on the asexual spectrum.

14. It Sounds Like This by Anna Meriano Yasm Trevi didn't have much of a freshman year thanks to Hurricane Humphrey, but she's ready to take sophomore year by storm. That means mastering the marching side of marching band--fast!--so she can outshine her BFF Sofia as top of the flute section, earn first chair, and impress both her future college admission boards and her comfortably unattainable drum major crush Gilberto Reyes. But Yasm steps off on the wrong foot when she reports an anonymous gossip Instagram account harassing new band members and accidentally gets the entire low brass section suspended from extracurriculars. Rep: Biracial Latina fat asexual-questioning cis female MC, Jewish gray-aromantic gray-asexual male side character with ADHD and APD.

15. One for All by Lillie Lainoff In 1655 sixteen-year-old Tania is the daughter of a retired musketeer, but she is afflicted with extreme vertigo and subject to frequent falls; when her father is murdered she finds that he has arranged for her to attend Madame de Treville's newly formed Acadaemie des Mariées in Paris, which, it turns out, is less a school for would-be wives, than a fencing academy for girls--and so Tania begins her training to be a new kind of musketeer, and to get revenge for her father. Rep: disability, asexuality, sapphic side characters, POTS and PTSD.

16. The State of Us by Shaun David Hutchinson When Dean Arnault’s mother decided to run for president, it wasn’t a surprise to anyone, least of all her son. But still that doesn’t mean Dean wants to be part of the public spectacle that is the race for the White House—at least not until he meets Dre. The only problem is that Dre Rosario’s on the opposition; he’s the son of the Democratic nominee. In a moment of solidarity and high emotions, Dean tells Dre that he has been questioning his sexual orientation. He isn’t sure if he’s asexual or demisexual. Dre puts a messaging app on Dean’s phone so they can stay in touch.

17. Scavenge the Stars by Tara Sim When Amaya rescues a mysterious stranger from drowning, she fears her rash actions have earned her a longer sentence on the debtor ship where she’s been held captive for years. Instead, the man she saved offers her unimaginable riches and a new identity, setting Amaya on a perilous course through the coastal city-state of Moray, where old-world opulence and desperate gamblers collide. Amaya wants one thing: revenge against the man who ruined her family and stole the life she once had. Desi, demisexual female protagonist. 

18. Camp by Lev AC Rosen It’s Randy’s fifth year at Camp Outland, a camp where queer teens get a chance to be themselves. Hoping to win over Hudson’s heart—who’s masc and straight passing and only seems to date other guys like himself—Randy has spent the past year reinventing himself: workout regimen, new haircut, new carefully curated wardrobe. His friends and camp counsellor all think it’s a terrible idea, but what can they do but support him anyways?

19. Little Thieves by Margaret Owen Once upon a time, the daughter of death and fortune was a teenage girl and she was the worst. Little Thieves is, as the dedication says, for the gremlin girls, never has there been a more gremlin girl than Vanja Schmidt. A brilliant and brazen swindler, Vanja could give Kaz Brekker a run for his money. But Vanja has bigger fish to fry. As her body rapidly turns into the gemstones she craves, Vanja must put things right and face her greed head on all while juggling her engagement to a terrible margrave, an investigator with his own magic, and the princess whose face she stole. Vanja’s relationship with junior prefect Emeric could not be more demisexual if it tried, with both sides of the romance experiencing asexual spectrum existence in different and complimentary ways. One part Germanic fairytale, one part ensemble heist, Little Thieves is an unhinged romp of a book.

20. Everyone Hates Kelsie Miller by Meredith Ireland Rom-coms and the asexuality spectrum...two great things that go great together. Kelsie and Eric have been competing against each other their whole lives. But desperation forces them to work together. Kelsie’s best friend stopped talking to her and Eric wants to rekindle his relationship with his ex-girlfriend, and since both will be at UPenn at the same time, Eric and Kelsie decide to go on a road trip together. Sparks fly.

21. You Don't Have a Shot by Racquel Marie Valentina "Vale" Castillo-Green's life revolves around soccer. Her friends, her future, and her father's intense expectations are all wrapped up in the beautiful game. But after she incites a fight during playoffs with her long-time rival, Leticia Ortiz, everything she's been working toward seems to disappear. Queer asexual biracial (Colombian, Irish) protagonist.

22. Foul Lady Fortune by Chloe Gong In 1931 Shanghai, two Nationalist spies pose as a married couple to investigate a series of brutal murders causing unrest in the city. Rep: demisexual Chinese protagonist, bisexual Chinese protagonist, bisexual Chinese main character, Chinese trans woman main character, aromantic asexual side character; (Chinese-Kiwi author).

23. The Spy with the Red Ballon by Katherine Locke Siblings Ilse and Wolf hide a deep secret in their blood: with it, they can work magic. And the government just found out. Blackmailed into service during World War II, Ilse lends her magic to America’s newest weapon, the atom bomb, while Wolf goes behind enemy lines to sabotage Germany’s nuclear program. It’s a dangerous mission, but if Hitler were to create the bomb first, the results would be catastrophic. Gay demisexual Jewish protagonist.

24. Beneath the Citadel by Destiny Soria Cassa, the orphaned daughter of rebels, and friends Alys, Evander, and Newt, fight back against the high council of Eldra, which has ruled for centuries based solely on ancient prophesies. Alys, an apothecary-in-training and the level-headed one of the crew. She identifies as asexual.

25. Eliza and Her Monsters by Francesca Zappia Eighteen-year-old Eliza Mirk is the anonymous creator of the wildly popular webcomic Monstrous Sea, but when a new boy at school tempts her to live a life offline, everything she's worked for begins to crumble. Asexual main character, not explicitly stated in the book.

26. Technically, You Started It by Lana Wood Johnson When a guy named Martin Nathaniel Munroe II texts you, it should be obvious who you're talking to. Except there's two of them (it's a long story), and Haley thinks she's talking to the one she doesn't hate. Demisexual main character.

27. Now Entering Addamsville by Francesca Zappia Zora Novak is framed for a crime she didn't commit--in a town obsessed with ghosts, will she be able to find the culprit and clear her name before it's too late? It's a brief mention, but Zora is ace.

28. Fully Disclosure by Camryn Garrett In a community that isn’t always understanding, an HIV-positive teen must navigate fear, disclosure, and radical self-acceptance when she falls in love–and lust–for the first time. One of Simone’s best friends in the book, Claudia, is an asexual lesbian. The unwavering support she gives to Simone is heartwarming, and she is also openly sex-positive—which flips the script on its head regarding what most people would assume of asexual people.

30. The Art of Saving the World by Corinne Duyvis When Hazel Stanczak was born, an interdimensional rift tore open near her family’s home, which prompted immediate government attention. They soon learned that if Hazel strayed too far, the rift would become volatile and fling things from other dimensions onto their front lawn—or it could swallow up their whole town. Hazel Stanczak identifies as asexual, though she spends time in the book questioning it. The book presents a unique way to show that there is not one single way to be asexual—that it exists on a spectrum and can look different for each person.

31. Let's Talk About Love by Claire Kann Alice had her whole summer planned. Non-stop all-you-can-eat buffets while marathoning her favorite TV shows (best friends totally included) with the smallest dash of adulting–working at the library to pay her share of the rent. The only thing missing from her perfect plan? Her girlfriend (who ended things when Alice confessed she’s asexual). Alice is done with dating–no thank you, do not pass go, stick a fork in her, done. Alice is a biromantic and asexual black woman who starts off very confident in her identity as asexual, yet has experiences that have her questioning her orientation and how to talk about it.

32. In the Ravenous Dark by AdriAnne Strickland A pansexual blood mage reluctantly teams up with an undead spirit to start a rebellion among the living and the dead. This book features Japha, an asexual nonbinary character who serves as the best friend to the MC.

33. Seven Ways We Lie by Riley Redgate Life at Paloma High School is much like any other high school, with petty drama, judgmental assholes, and mind-numbing schoolwork. Until it isn’t. A scandal emerges: a student and teacher had an illicit affair. At the center of the scandal are seven teenagers, each with their own secrets, whose lives are transformed as a result of this scandal. One of the characters can be read as asexual (and possibly neurodiverse). He never explicitly labels himself as such, but the way he describes his experiences of [non-]attraction strongly point to him being on the ace spectrum.

34. Quicksilver by R. J. Anderson Tori thought she had left her past behind when she and her family started a new life in a new city. But then Sebastian Faraday reappears in her life to tell her that she’s not quite as safe as she thinks: the relay is still operating and a genetics lab is trying to track her down to figure out the secret behind her unusual biology. Tori is going to have to use all of her considerable technical expertise to escape her past and live the normal human life she’s always wanted to have. Asexual main character.

35. Hullmetal Girls by Emily Skrutskie Aisha Un-Haad, seventeen, and Key Tanaka, eighteen, have risked everything for new lives as mechanically enhanced soldiers, and when an insurrection forces dark secrets to surface, the fate of humanity is in their hands. In Hullmetal Girls, Aisha is not only ace/aro but she is also happy with her identity. Crucially, so is everyone else.

36. Not Even Bones by Rebecca Schaeffer Nita's mother hunts monsters and, after Nita dissects and packages them, sells them online, but when Nita follows her conscience to help a live monster escape, she is sold on the black market in his place. Aro/Ace main character

37. Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp When Corey moves away from Lost Creek, Alaska, she makes her friend Kyra promise to stay strong during the long, dark winter, and wait for her return. Just days before Corey is to return home to visit, Kyra dies. The entire Lost community speaks in hushed tones, saying her death was meant to be. And they push Corey away like she's a stranger. With every hour, Corey's suspicion grows. Lost is keeping secrets-- but piecing together the truth about what happened to her best friend may prove as difficult as lighting the sky in an Alaskan winter. Aro/Ace main character.

38. If It Makes You Happy by Claire Kann Winnie is living her best fat girl life and is on her way to the best place on earth. No, not Disneyland–her Granny’s diner, Goldeen’s, in the small town of Misty Haven. While there, she works in her fabulous 50’s inspired uniform, twirling around the diner floor and earning an obscene amount of tips. With her family and ungirlfriend at her side, she has everything she needs for one last perfect summer before starting college in the fall. …until she becomes Misty Haven’s Summer Queen in a highly anticipated matchmaking tradition that she wants absolutely nothing to do with. Aro/ace secondary character.

39. Dread Nation by Justina Ireland An alternate history where the Civil War was put on hold when zombies started to rise. Almost finished with her education at Miss Preston's School of Combat in Baltimore, Jane is set on returning to her Kentucky home and doesn't pay much mind to the politics of the eastern cities, with their talk of returning America to the glory of its days before the dead rose.But when families around Baltimore County begin to go missing, Jane is caught in the middle of a conspiracy, one that finds her in a desperate fight for her life against some powerful enemies. And the restless dead, it would seem, are the least of her problems. The word asexual is not used, but that fits with the setting, and the explanation goes into a fair amount of detail, also ruling out that she likes women instead.

40. Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson When her convent is attacked by possessed soldiers, Artemisia defends the Gray Sisters by awakening the revenant bound to a saint's relic, even though she runs the risk of being possessed permanently by the powerful ancient spirit. Non-explicit romantic asexual main character. Fantasy.

41. Archivist Wasp by Nicole Kornher-Stace A postapocalyptic ghosthunter escapes her dire fate by joining the ghost of a supersoldier on his quest to the underworld Aromantic asexual main character. Dark fantasy/dystopian.

42. Summer of Salt by Katrina Leno While anyone would love to have a bit of magic, what happens when magic turns dark? Georgina Fernweh will come into her magic someday soon. Before she does, Georgina faces a tragedy that tests the islanders' trust. In this book, Georgina’s best friend Vira is aroace, and it’s addressed somewhat in the story at different points. There is a sweet strength between Georgina and Vira, full of loyalty and support that is lovely to see.

43. The Summer of Bitter and Sweet by Jen Ferguson In this moving and complex narrative, Lou learns to draw boundaries, stand up for herself, all while coming to terms with her demisexuality.

44. The Sound of Stars by Alechia Dow One-third of the human population has died and now the world is about to end. Ellie, a fat, Black, disabled, demisexual girl with access to an illegal library teams up with a music-loving alien to risk their lives to save the world.

45. The Grimrose Girls by Laura Pohl Pohl serves up a veritable smorgasbord of queer fairytale goodies in Grimrose Girls. This tale as old as time follows four students at the prestigious boarding school Grimrose Academy—Ella, Yuki, Rory, and newcomer Nani. When the former three’s best friend dies, all four girls are swept up in a dark and twisted mystery full of old fairytale magic. They must work together to unravel the secrets between them and break an ancient curse that dooms them to a fairytale ending (and not the fun kind). Yuki’s aromantic asexual identity is explored in her relationship to expectations, beauty, and friendship throughout the novel.

46. Radio Silence by Alice Oseman Frances has been a study machine with one goal. Nothing will stand in her way; not friends, not a guilty secret – not even the person she is on the inside. Then Frances meets Aled, and for the first time, she’s unafraid to be herself. So when the fragile trust between them is broken, Frances is caught between who she was and who she longs to be. In this book, Aled identifies as demisexual while Frances identifies as bisexual. The story really pays homage to the importance of friendship, and romantic storylines move to the background in a way we don’t often get in YA literature.

47. This Golden Flame by Emily Victoria Forced to serve her country’s ruling group, Karis wants nothing more than to find her brother. But family bonds don’t matter to the sole focus of unlocking the magic of an ancient automaton army. Karis is ace and other LGBTQ+ characters are introduced throughout.

48. Sawkill Girls by Claire Legrand A horror novel centered around three girls facing off against an unseen monster that preys upon the young women of the island of Sawkill Rock. Features a black asexual girl fresh out of a romantic relationship, as well as a f/f relationship.

49. Love Letters for Joy by Melissa See Less than a year away from graduation, seventeen-year-old Joy is too busy overachieving to be worried about relationships. She’s determined to be Caldwell Prep’s first disabled valedictorian. And she only has one person to beat, her academic rival Nathaniel. But it’s senior year and everyone seems to be obsessed with pairing up. One of her best friends may be developing feelings for her and the other uses Caldwell’s anonymous love-letter writer to snag the girl of her dreams. Joy starts to wonder if she has missed out on a quintessential high school experience. She is asexual, but that’s no reason she can’t experience first love, right?

50. Not Your Backup by C. B. Lee Part 3 in the Sidekick Squad series by C.B. Lee. Follows a questioning aromantic asexual latinx superhero sidekick fighting to prove her worth on the team despite her lack of superpowers, all admist the team's battle against the corrupt League of Heroes.

51. Belle Révolte by Linsey Miller Noble-born Emilie des Marais, 16, wants to become a physician, a role usually forbidden women of her class because of the corruptive toll the magical "noonday arts" exact. Common-born Annette Boucher wants to escape her domineering parents and master the less physically costly "midnight arts" of illusions, divination, and scrying, normally reserved for those who can afford the expensive education. At Emilie's urging, each girl takes the other's place. Miller (Ruin of Stars) writes in lush, dense prose that can require a careful read, but her protagonists' awareness of privilege and desire to challenge the status quo shines through. LGBTQ representation--including gay, trans, and nonbinary characters (Annette identifies as asexual biromantic)--further widens this tale's appeal.

52. Tarnished Are the Stars by Rosiee Thor A secret beats inside Anna Thatcher's chest: an illegal clockwork heart. Anna works cog by cog -- donning the moniker Technician -- to supply black market medical technology to the sick and injured, against the Commissioner's tyrannical laws. Determined to earn his father's respect, Nathaniel sets out to capture the Technician. But the more he learns about the outlaw, the more he questions whether his father's elusive affection is worth chasing at all. This YA novel features an aroace character gradually coming to accept his orientation in the midst of everything else that is happening in his life. Perfect for older teens who also enjoy WLW representation and dark themes.

53. Aces Wild: A Heist by Amanda DeWitt An all-asexual online friend group attempts to break into a high-stakes gambling club and commit a heist together. Includes a male asexual character navigating what love looks like for him, an aromantic asexual Latinx gender-nonconforming boy, a Vietnamese American and German asexual nonbinary teen, and a black asexual girl.

54. Planning Perfect by Haley Neil Summer vacation quickly becomes complicated for Felicity Becker as she tries to plan a perfect wedding for her mom, figure out her feelings for her friend Nancy, and wonder what dating will look like for her as an asexual person.

55. Ace of Hearts by Myriad Augustine Everyone around Alvin seems to be obsessed with one thing-- sex. Alvin finds it uncomfortable to think and talk about it and he knows he isn't ready and may never be. His friends, however, think that all Alvin needs is to hook up with the right guy. But the closer Alvin gets to being physical with someone, the more he's uncertain that this is for him and he begins to wonder if he's asexual. Can Alvin find the love that's right for him?

56. Beyond the Black Door by AdriAnne Strickland Everyone has a soul. Some are beautiful gardens, others are frightening dungeons. Kamia comes to know more about her identity as she decides to battle the forces of evil, no matter the cost... Asexual and demi-romantic main characters. Dark fantasy. Kamai is asexual, but isn’t aromantic—she has an interest in relationships that isn’t always depicted for those who are ace.

57. Loveless by Alice Oseman A queer coming of age story featuring a romance obsessed aromantic asexual main character discovering her sexuality and coming to terms with what that means, and a variety of other queer characters that support her on her journey.

58. Summer Bird Blue by Akemi Dawn Bowman Rumi Seto spends a lot of time worrying she doesn’t have the answers to everything. What to eat, where to go, whom to love. But there is one thing she is absolutely sure of—she wants to spend the rest of her life writing music with her younger sister, Lea. Then Lea dies in a car accident, and her mother sends her away to live with her aunt in Hawaii while she deals with her own grief. While not the main focal point of the book, Rumi does grapple throughout the story about where exactly she lands on the ace and aro spectrum—and whether she has to label herself at all.

59. Meet Cute Diary by Emery Lee In this queer rom-com, a transgender teen must decide if he's dedicated to romantic formulas or open to unpredictable love after an internet troll attack on his blog compels him and a fan to start fake-dating. Through an unlikely friendship with sweet, grounded Devin, who is Cuban American, asexual, and experimenting with pronouns, Noah--initially self-centered and standoffish--learns to value communication and empathy.

60. The Reckless Kind by Carly Heath In 1904 Norway, Asta runs away from her horrible fiancé to live with her two best friends. The three misfits set out to win the annual Christmas sleigh race to prove that they belong together. Queer asexual hard of hearing protagonist with heterochromia of Norwegian descent.

61. Forward March by Skye Quinlan How can band geek Harper have the chance of becoming the First Daughter with a fake dating profile? However, Harper does know that the drumline leader swiped right. Come along with Harper as she explores her truth during her last year of high school. Asexual-questioning cis female MC with anxiety and asthma.

62. Elatsoe by Darcie Little Badger What if America had monsters, magic, and interdimensional beings? For Elatsoe, this is real, and she has to uncover her cousin's murder! She can do this with the help of her ghost dog, Kirby, but has to remember not to wake human ghosts. Aromantic ace main character. Paranormal mystery. Casual representation which extends to Ellie’s identity as Lipan Apache. This identity is asserted more often and firmly than her asexuality, and Little Badger drops in nuggets of education for us settlers about what Indigenous people, and the Lipan Apache in particular, suffered at the hands of settlers.

63. All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens Throughout the Ages by Editor Robin Talley A collection of short fantasy stories, featuring a variety of queer characters across multiple sexualities and genders. Features an asexual roller-skating girl from the 70s struggling to explain her identity to her crush.

64. Black Wings Beating by Alex London Twins Brysen and Kylee live in a world that revers the power of the falconers, but in a world where war approaches, they aren’t safe. Hunted for their power, they work together to trap the Ghost Eagle. Kylee is an ace character, focused on protecting her brother.

Graphic Novels

65. A-okay by Jarad Greene Eight grade can be tough, especially if you have acne and bullies, and lose friends. But our relatable asexual and aromantic protagonist, Jay, pulls through. This is a relatable memoir with colorful artwork.

66. How to Be Ace: A Memoir of Growing up Asexual by Rebecca Burgess A comic memoir detailing the author Rebecca Burgess's experience with growing up asexual in a world obsessed with sex. Also talks about her experiences with her own mental health and OCD.

67. Jughead, Volume 1 by Chip Zdarsky A comic book reboot of the Archie comics centered around Jughead Jones. Follows an aromantic asexual main character in typical Archie-style shenanigans. Part 1 of a 3 part series.

68. A Quick & Easy Guide to Asexuality by Molly Muldoon A charming introduction to asexuality, created to shed light on the misconceptions surrounding sex and being asexual. Told by writer Molly Muldoon and cartoonist Will Hernandez, both on the asexual spectrum.

69. Is Love the Answer? by Isaki Uta A poignant coming-of-age story about a young woman coming into her own as she discovers her identity as aromantic asexual. A complete story in a single volume, from the creator of "Mine-kun is Asexual."

Domestic Fiction

70. Have You Seen Luis Velez by Catherine Ryan Hyde Raymond Jaffe feels like he doesn't belong. Not with his mother's new family. Not as a weekend guest with his father and his father's wife. Not at school, where he's an outcast. After his best friend moves away, Raymond has only two real connections: to the feral cat he's tamed and to a blind ninety-two-year-old woman in his building who's introduced herself with a curious question: Have you seen Luis Velez? Mildred Gutermann, a German Jew who narrowly escaped the Holocaust, has been alone since her caretaker disappeared. She turns to Raymond for help, and as he tries to track Luis down, a deep and unexpected friendship blossoms between the two. Raymond is asexual (to be precise, he is aroace) And he is depicted as kind, loving, sensitive and realistic.

Fantasy

71. In the Lives of the Puppets by TJ Klune In a strange little home built into the branches of a grove of trees, live three robots--fatherly inventor android Giovanni Lawson, a pleasantly sadistic nurse machine, and a small vacuum desperate for love and attention. Victor Lawson, a human, lives there too. They're a family, hidden and safe. Protagonist: Vic, A curious, loving, & asexual human.

72. The Bone Season by Samantha Shannon In the mid-21st century major world cities are controlled by a formidable security force and clairvoyant underworld cell member Paige commits acts of psychic treason before being captured by an otherworldly race that would make her a part of their supernatural army. Demisexual main character.

73. The Perfect Assassin by K.A. Doore Divine justice is written in blood. Or so Amastan has been taught. As a new assassin in the Basbowen family, he's already having second thoughts about taking a life. A scarcity of contracts ends up being just what he needs. Until, unexpectedly, Amastan finds the body of a very important drum chief. Until, inevitably, Amastan is ordered to solve these murders, before the family gets blamed. Amastan is asexual and, as it turns out, homoromantic.

74. The Bruising of Quilwa by Naseem Jamnia Firuz-e Jafari was able to escape the slaughter of traditional blood magic practitioners by immigrating to the city-state of Qilwa. But now a terrible disease is spreading through the city, and Firuz believes it comes from ineptly performed blood magic. Now they must find a way to break a cycle of prejudice in order to survive. From the author: it's about an aroace nonbinary refugee healer who is trying to cure a magical plague in their new home while hiding their blood magic.

75. The Midnight Bargain by C. L. Polk The Midnight Bargain is a story "set in a world reminiscent of Regency England, where women's magic is taken from them when they marry. A sorceress must balance her desire to become the first great female magician against her duty to her family. Ysbeta has a clear goal for her life: to discover and share magic. Besides loving learning for its own sake, Ysbeta is asexual, and wealthy in her own right, so the bargaining season offers her literally nothing.

76. Every Heart A Doorway by Seanan McGuire Set in a world where a group of children have the ability to find and enter doorways into magical worlds, and now must find who's targetting them for this ability. Lead by an female asexual main character, with a trans love interest. First book in a series of novellas.

Science Fiction

77. The First Sister by Linden A. Lewis She's a priestess of the Sisterhood, traveling the stars alongside the soldiers of Earth who own the rights to her body and soul. When her former captain abandons her, First Sister's hopes for freedom are dashed and she is forced to stay on her ship with no friends, no status, and a new captain she knows nothing about. When the Mother, leader of her order, asks her to spy on Captain Saito Ren, First Sister discovers that sacrificing for the war effort is so much harder to do when your loyalties are split. He climbed his way out of the slums to become an elite soldier of Venus, but now he's haunted by his failures and the loss of his partner Hiro. But when Lito learns that Hiro is alive, but a traitor, and he's assigned to hunt Hiro down, and kill them, Lito must decide what he is actually fighting for - the society that raised him, or himself. As the battle to control Ceres reaches a head, Lito and First Sister must decide what - and whom - they are willing to sacrifice in the name of duty, or for love. Hispanic panromantic asexual protagonist (Lito).

78. Firebreak by Nicole Kornher-Stace Mal is one of many war survivors in the old town working multiple jobs to scrimp by, one of which is her team's streaming video game play. The team lives with several other roommates in a converted hotel room run by Stellaxis, the company that owns half of town, and is the only legal provider of drinkable water. When Mal catches sight of an elusive SecOps character, special non-player characters (NPCs) modeled after Stellaxis' twelve bioengineered operatives, the team pursues her inside the game to catch her on video for two seconds before their power curfew kicks in. By the time Mal heads down for her daily ration of water, they've secured a lucrative contract, involving an in-person meeting and a conspiracy theory, paying them to capture images of the three living SecOps characters. When Mal returns to find out why the next payment failed, she becomes involved in a fracas that will endanger everyone she knows. Aroace main character.

79. To be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers Four astronauts set out to explore the galaxy. This journey spans centuries and many worlds. A thought provoking read that explores the themes of loneliness and sense of purpose. Excellent cast of diverse characters and vivid world building. Chikondi is asexual and the text is careful to note that his relationship to the protagonist is no less emotional or vital than those she shares with people she is sexually involved with.

80. The Circus Infinite by Khan Wong What better person to take down a crime boss than a mixed-species fugitive! Join Jes on this exciting tale of espionage, torture, demolition. Sex-averse panromantic asexual lead character

Historical Fiction

81. Kaikeyi by Vasihnavi Patel The only daughter of the kingdom of Kekaya, she is raised on grand stories about the might and benevolence of the gods. Yet she watches as her father unceremoniously banishes her mother, her own worth measured by how great a marriage alliance she can secure. And when she calls upon the gods for help, they never seem to hear. Desperate for some measure of independence, she turns to the ancient texts she once read with her mother and discovers a magic that is hers alone. Kaikeyi is asexual and aromantic. Although the words "asexual" and "aromantic" aren't used in the book.

Western

82. The Complete Lady Ruth Constance Chapelstone Chronicles by L. C. Mawson If you’re looking for steampunk magic, the Lady Ruth Constance Chapelstone novellas are the place for you. Read them individually or all together in this compendium. Chapelstone is interested in her inventions, not love and romance.

Paranormal

83. The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Homes by Joseph Fink Told in a series of eerie flashbacks, the story of The Faceless Old Woman goes back centuries to reveal an initially blissful and then tragic childhood on a Mediterranean Estate in the early nineteenth century, her rise in the criminal underworld of Europe, a nautical adventure with a mysterious organization of smugglers, her plot for revenge on the ones who betrayed her, and ultimately her death and its aftermath, as her spirit travels the world for decades until settling in modern-day Night Vale. Asexual secondary character.

Romance  

84. All the Wrong Places by Ann Gallagher After his three ex-girlfriends in a row leave Brennan because he's not fulfilling their sexual needs, he seeks out advice from Zafir, the owner of a sex shop. Zafir introduces Brennan to the concept of asexuality and slowly something more blossoms between them.

85. That Kind of Guy by Talia Hibbert Rae needs a fake date to take to her ex's wedding and convinces Zach, a close friend who has recently discovered that he is demisexual, to play along.

86. The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood In an attempt to convince her best friend that she really is over her ex-boyfriend, grad-student Olive panic kisses stern associate professor Adam in the hallway. (Olive is coded as demisexual/graysexual, but that label is never used in the book).

87. Far From Home by Lorelie Brown The oddest of odd couples finds unexpected joy in Brown’s warm, sweet contemporary romance. American citizen Rachel, a not-quite-asexual assistant film producer struggling to make a living in L.A., is drowning in student debt; Indian immigrant Pari Sadashiv, a lesbian logistics manager, needs a U.S. green card to advance her career. When Rachel offers to marry Pari in exchange for funds, it’s just party banter at first—but what’s to stop them from crafting a friendship with legal and financial benefits? Their platonic plans quickly go awry as Pari’s mother moves in to help plan the wedding, forcing them to live their lie. As Rachel feels herself awakening to an attraction she didn’t even know was possible, Pari has to decide whether she can live with the possible fallout of Rachel’s tentative first foray into same-sex love.

88. Kiss Her Once for Me by Alison Cochrun Last Christmas, Ellie met Jack in Powell’s when they both went for a copy of Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home, and over a cute argument over “shared custody”, and Jack poking gentle fun at Ellie (who had been crying alone and talking to a footstool as if it were her friend) they start to bond. Jack asks Ellie for coffee, and then they end up spending the whole day together. This is a big deal for Ellie, who is demisexual, and rarely develops attractions to anyone. And then Jack breaks her heart. Fast-forward to this Christmas when Andrew, the landlord who owns the building she works in, asks her to fake-marry him so he can access his inheritance, and shenanigans lead to her agreeing to this and to going home with him for Christmas, and surprise! Jack is Andrew’s sister.

89. The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun Tech wunderkind Charlie has never really been interested in dating, but agrees to join the cast of reality show 'Ever After.' While there he finds himself charmed by his producer, Dev, and questioning his sexuality. The Charm Offensive includes a conversation discussing asexuality and its spectrum.

90. Never Been Kissed by Timothy Janovsky Wren Roland has never been kissed, but he wants that movie-perfect ending more than anything. Thanks to Mateo’s boyfriend, he learns about demisexuality and realizes that when he came out as gay, he had not finished realizing truths about himself and intimate relationships.

91. How to be a Normal Person by TJ Klune Before The House on the Cerulean Sea blew up, Klune wrote this quirky and delightful story of two asexual people finding each other and their happily ever after.

92. Soft on Soft by Mina Waheed This super sweet, low-angst romance centers on two fat, queer women of colour (one Black and one Persian-Arab) who fall in love and find their happy ending with hardly any drama. There’s also anxiety representation. It’s just pure fluffy romance goodness. Demisexual protagonist.

Non-Fiction

93. Ace and Aro Journeys: A Guide to Embracing your Asexual or Aromantic Identity by The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project What does it mean to be ace or aro? How should I approach the challenges that come with being ace or aro? How can I best support the ace and aro people in my life? Join the The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project (TAAAP) for a deep dive into the process of discovering and embracing your ace and aro identities. Empower yourself to explore the nuances of your identity, find and develop support networks, explore different kinds of partnership, come out to your communities and find real joy within. Combining a rigorous exploration of identity and sexuality models with hundreds of candid and poignant testimonials -- this companion vouches for your personal truth, wherever you lie on the aspec spectrum. You are not invisible! You are among friends.

94. Being Ace: An Anthology of Queer, Trans, Femme, and Disabled Stories of Asexual Love and Connection by Editor Madeline Dyer Discover the infinite realms of asexual love across sci-fi, fantasy, and contemporary stories From a wheelchair user racing to save her kidnapped girlfriend and a little mermaid who loves her sisters more than suitors, to a slayer whose virgin blood keeps attracting monsters, the stories of this anthology are anything but conventional. Whether adventuring through space, outsmarting a vengeful water spirit, or surviving haunted cemeteries, no two aces are the same in these 14 unique works that highlight asexual romance, aromantic love, and identities across the asexual spectrum

95. Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen A non-fiction research book about the asexual perspective on society's facinations with love and sex, and the misconceptions about what being asexual really is and what it means to a person.

96. The Invisible Orientation: an Introduction to Asexuality by Julia Sondra Decker An introduction to what asexuality is, both for people who don't know what that means and for people that may be questioning their own sexuality. It aims to puts asexual people's experiences in context, as they move through a very sexualized world.

97. Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe A graphic memoir about author Kobabe's growing from adolescence to adulthood, as e explores eir gender identity and sexuality. Features a gender queer and asexual main character that uses e/eir pronouns.

98. Ace Voices What it Means to Be Asexual, Aromantic, Demi or Grey-Ace by Eris Young This is the ace community in their own words. Drawing upon interviews with a wide range of people across the asexual spectrum, Eris Young is here to take you on an empowering, enriching journey through the rich multitudes of asexual life.

99. I Am Ace: Adice on Living Your Best Asexual Life by Cody Daigle-Orians Tackling everything from what asexuality is, the asexual spectrum and tips on coming out, to intimacy, relationships, acephobia and finding joy, this guide will help you better understand your asexual identity alongside deeply relatable anecdotes drawn from Cody's personal experience.

100. Sounds Fake But Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca Drawing on their personal stories, and those of aspec friends all over the world, prepare to explore your microlabels, investigate different models of partnership, delve into the intersection of gender norms and compulsory sexuality and reconsider the meaning of sex - when allosexual attraction is out of the equation.

I haven't read all of these books, so I can't guarantee all of them. But I did my best researching all of them. I was making this list on my own and I was amazed that I could find over 100 books with asexual characters and I wanted to share it!

The Aromantic Book List is now out!

Tagging some people who were excited about this list: @sweetspiderstew @majorgenerally @shayberri789 @53rdcenturyhero @knightoflodis @neonghost39 @rosaazulina

#asexuality #asexual #ace pride #ace #acespec #books #book rec list #asexuel #ace books #asexual books #asexual positivity #asexual characters #asexual spectrum #asexual pride #reading list #list #rec list #book list #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #queer

[word-wytch]

Don't Stand So Close To Me — Chapter 4

Eddie x Teacher!Reader

Chapter 4/? 3.1k. Series Masterlist

✏︎ There are some things Eddie isn’t used to hearing, and mean even more when coming from you.

✏︎ Series Summary: Forced to move back home to Hawkins after your fiancé cheats on you, you begin to fall in love again with an audacious 20 year old metalhead, only there’s one problem — he’s still in high school and you’re his English teacher.

While you struggle starting over in a place you never thought you would return, Eddie struggles feeling stuck in a place he can’t manage to leave — until you offer to help him. Of all the lessons learned, the most important are the ones you teach each other.

✏︎ Series CW: forbidden romance, slow burn, smut (18+ mdni), true love, internal conflict, student-teacher relationship, 10 year age gap, mutual pining, sexual tension, emotions, drama, angst, character development, happy ending :)

Chapter warnings: mild angst I guess? that's it :)

“Well I for one think the first lady’s new ‘Just Say No’ campaign is a great idea, it’s long overdue if you ask me,” said Mrs. Hutchins, to which your mother nodded in agreement.  

You stared down at your plate and poked at your green beans with your fork. 

“It’s about time there was a war on drugs, it’s gotten out of control in this country,” Mrs. Hutchins continued, reaching for the gravy.

You shoveled the green beans into your mouth to keep it occupied. You figured getting into an argument with Mrs. Hutchins over Reagan’s policies was not exactly what your mother had intended for the evening. Besides, it wasn’t worth your energy anyway.

Your dad gave you a silly look from across the table and you smiled at him.

You looked back down at your plate and thought about Eddie Munson again. This time it was about how he’d looked at you when you told him you’d be here. 

You wondered what Eddie would say to Mrs. Hutchins. He had an opinion on just about everything and you were certain he would not withhold it. Not for your mother’s sake, not for anybody. You suspected that it got him into trouble more often than not but there was something you admired about that.

You tucked into your risotto and tuned out the conversation.

He was sitting so close to you today. So close that a ringlet of his soft hair grazed your hand when he leaned over. So close that you could smell him. The same scent that enveloped you in the hallway the other day, although this time less bright notes of shampoo, more deep notes of leather and musk. There was that faint cigarette smell and something else too that you couldn’t quite place, like the warmth of his skin that was distinct and yet indistinguishable. 

Normally you were not keen on the smell of cigarettes. It lingered on just about everything. In restaurants and car seats, especially in homes. It clung to the clothing of heavy smokers with a stale musk that you hated, but on Eddie it didn’t seem to bother you. In fact, you were hesitant to admit that you almost liked it. 

“Andrew, why don’t you tell us about your new job,” suggested your mother.

You glanced over at the man sitting next to you, hardly able to believe that this was once the boy who used to collect G.I. Joe figures rather than play with them as intended. 

Andrew cleared his throat. “My job is to diagnose and correct issues with computer hardware, figure out what isn’t working and order and replace the corresponding parts. Occasionally it’s a software issue, in which case I can troubleshoot and reinstall certain programs.” he said, adjusting his glasses. He looked just about as thrilled to be here as you were.

“Do you guys sell computers there?” asked your dad.

“Yes, though my work is primarily in computer repairs, not sales.”

“You know I was telling my daughter here that I really think computers are going to be the future,” said your mom.

“Oh yes, absolutely. Personal computer sales have quadrupled in the last few years, all thanks to the Commodore 64 being so affordable,” said Andrew. “In fact I really think they ought to have computer classes in every school. I think I read recently in the paper that only 48% of schools have them.”

Your mom’s eyes lit up and she turned to you, “Do they have computer class at your school, dear?”

“Uh, no, I don’t think so. Not yet.” 

“Well maybe that might be something worth suggesting to the principal.”

“I doubt I would have much say in something like that.”

“I’m just saying, it’s worth a try, dear.”

You smiled curtly and glanced down at your plate again, scooting your green beens around in the excess gravy. 

“Speaking of school, why don’t you tell us a little bit about how your job’s been going? I do hope the students are behaving,” your mother continued.

“Oh, they have their moments but overall it’s been alright,” you said, “We’re studying The Catcher in the Rye in my senior class.”

Andrew raised his eyebrows, “Oh that book,” he said with a little laugh, “It’s a bit strange isn’t it? All I can really remember is how he kept calling everyone a phony all the time. I never understood it.”

Of course you didn’t. “Yeah, the stream of consciousness seems to throw some readers off. A lot of people end up missing the point.”

“What is the point anyway?” asked Andrew, but before you could respond Mrs. Hutchins interjected.

“Don’t you think that book is a bit inappropriate for children? I remember when Andrew brought it home all those years ago. At that time some of the ladies in my church group were trying to get it banned in schools. Clearly their efforts were unsuccessful.”

“My students are teenagers, not children, in fact some of them are already adults,” you said, and thought about recommending Fahrenheit 451 to her but figured the joke would be lost.

“Still, I think teenagers are too young to be reading about,” she lowered her voice, “hookers.”

You bit your lip and looked down at your plate again. It took every ounce of self control not to laugh. You glanced over at Andrew. He looked like he wanted to evaporate.

“I’ll tell you what,” continued Mrs. Hutchins, “Kids are getting into more and more worrisome and bizarre things nowadays. Did you see that special on the local news? There’s this game called Dungeons and Dragons and some people suspect that it’s a gateway, luring children into devil worshiping cults.”

This time you did laugh. “I really don’t think there’s any truth to that. The student I tutor plays that game. He talks about it all the time. It really is just a fantasy game that you create your own adventures in.”

“Well that’s what it might look like on the surface, but on this special they were talking about all the signs to look for if you suspect your child might have been lured. Now there’s the obvious symbolism like goats and pentagrams. Then there’s listening to heavy metal music — that’s a big one. Apparently there’s all sorts of hidden messaging in those songs, especially if you play the tapes backwards.”

Andrew’s face was in his hands.

“Boy, that sounds terrifying,” said your mother with furrowed brows before taking a bite of her pork roast.

You thought about Eddie Munson again. He certainly fit the description, though you were doubtful he actually worshiped Satan. You supposed there was no way for you to really know. He had quite a habit of talking about, well, just about anything besides school, but you doubted he’d openly admit to something like that. 

It was strange for you to think that you had really only known him for less than two months. It felt like you’d known him forever. 

If he did actually worship Satan, you supposed it wouldn’t really bother you. What you could tell was that he had a good heart. What you also could tell is that there was nothing you could say to Mrs. Hutchins that would change her mind.

______

Much to the disappointment of your mother, sparks did not fly over dinner. That was obvious enough for her not to arrange another, much to your relief.

The weekend came quickly, and it was a long one, which meant more time with quizzes to grade, and boxes that you had procrastinated unpacking. More time alone with your thoughts. 

Historically you never minded being alone, typically you relished in it. Lately you had been doing everything you could to combat the oppressive silence in your apartment and the noisy chatter in your mind.

On Saturday you practically wore out your records, exhausting your entire collection as you did some much needed cleaning. 

On Sunday it was difficult to get out of bed, so you just left the radio on when your alarm clock went off.

On Monday you sat on your living room floor in front of your TV and thumbed through the quizzes that you gave out on Friday, marking each one with your green grading pen.

You paused when you got to Eddie’s. 

There was a little drawing of a dragon at the bottom of his quiz along with a note that said “Slay me!”

You smiled for the first time that day, fingers tracing the lines where his pen met the paper, feeling the subtle indents left behind by it. 

You ran down the ten questions, he got nine of them right. You gave him a 90% and circled the A- at the top of the paper. At the bottom you wrote “You sure slayed this quiz!” with a little smiley face.

______

Eddie Munson had a way of creeping into your thoughts when you least expected it. It was like he had taken up permanent residence there, like a song stuck in your head.

It was far a better song than the sad and angry one that had been playing on repeat for months now, and at this point you would take any break you could get from it.

On Tuesday you couldn’t stop thinking about the way he smiled at you on Friday when he turned in his quiz. It was playful and warm.

On Wednesday he sat across from you after school. He was wearing a flannel shirt under his usual denim vest today. It was refreshing to see him in color for a change. The vibrant red suited him. He’d rolled his sleeves up, revealing a tattoo that looked like a cluster of flying bats.

“So, how did you do on your history test? Did you get your grades back?” you asked, bringing your attention away from his forearms. 

“Yeah, uh,” Eddie shifted in his chair, glancing off to the side, “I got a C,” he said quietly.

You nodded, your expression neutral, though there was a softness in your eyes. “How do you feel about that?”

Eddie looked surprised, “I…” he paused for a moment, blinking, “You know, honestly, when I first got my test back I was actually pretty happy about it,” he said. “I mean it’s better than I usually do, way better than an F.”

You looked at him curiously, “You said, ‘at first’ did something change?”

“Well, I mean a C is good for me, but — “ he glanced at you sheepishly.

“Then a C is good!” 

He looked relieved. “Oh, well in that case, then yeah. I guess I am pretty happy about it.”

“Eddie,” you said gently. He leaned forward at the sound of his name. “You don’t have to worry about impressing me, that isn’t what this is about. I just want to help you graduate, not be valedictorian,” you said, “I’m proud of you.”

Eddie beamed at you with those big brown eyes of his. Suddenly he glanced away, blinking quickly as he lifted a hand to scratch the side of his head to shield them from view. 

You leaned closer, sensing the shift in his body language. When he turned to face you again you could have sworn his nose was a little flushed, his eyes wetter than usual.

“Sorry, I don’t hear that a lot.”

Your chest tightened. You wanted to leap across the desk, scoop him up in your arms and tell him that a thousand times, but instead you just smiled softly and said, “Well, get used to it.”

He smiled at you again, big and broad. He fidgeted with the rings on his fingers and for just a moment you swore you could see past the hair, the patches and chains, straight through to the boy he once was, getting F after F. You could see the disappointed looks from everyone around him reflected in those eyes of his. He must have gotten used to them, steeled himself to them, resigned himself to the letter.

You felt the tears start to burn behind your eyes and you searched for anything to change the subject. “How did your campaign go on Friday?”

His lips curved into a mischievous smirk. “Found three new recruits actually, just last week.”

You raised your eyebrows and blinked, clearing your eyes of any evidence. “Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah. I knew it the moment I saw ‘em, two freshmen sitting all by themselves at the end of a lunch table. They’d been there for weeks, just the two of them. You can always kinda tell with the freshmen, they just look like little lost sheep, ‘specially these two. One of the kids was wearing a Weird Al t-shirt,” he said with a laugh, “And that’s when I was like, ok, these kids should sit with us for a change. Well it turns out they’ve been playing DnD for ages, and they’ve got a friend in another lunch period who plays too, so now we’ve got three new members, which is great because, uh, we were kind of hurting for them.” He chuckled softly.

Eddie had an energy about him that was bold and magnetic. It sucked you right in. The timbre of his voice was bright and warm. It was oddly soothing. You enjoyed listening to him talk, watching his hands as they gestured wildly, which you figured was a good thing since he did a lot of talking. 

“Some kids just need someone to show them that school doesn’t have to be all bad, you know? I know that’s what I needed.” 

You imagined freshman Eddie sitting in the cafeteria by himself, lonely and lost, with his curly mop of hair much shorter than it was now. 

“Us freaks have to stick together, you know?”

You nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, I know. I wasn’t exactly popular myself,” you admitted. “Actually I used to help run an after school mentoring program in Indianapolis. A lot of troubled kids came through there, but it was so rewarding to watch them come into their own, find a place they felt like they belonged, you know?” you said, “I miss that part of my old job.”

Eddie rested his hand against his cheek and hummed in agreement. He looked like he was miles away and yet absolutely present all at once.

“I’ll admit that teaching wasn’t my first career choice, but it’s rewarding in a way that you just… can’t achieve by sitting alone and writing stories by yourself.”

Eddie smirked and gave a thoughtful nod, “That has its own rewards though.”

Your eyes twinkled. “Oh yeah, it definitely does.”

You shifted the focus toward his schoolwork. Today you helped him work through some equations in Trigonometry. Truthfully it took some refreshing on your part, it had been ages since you’d done it and you were more than a little rusty. Math was never really your strong suit anyway. The nice thing about formulas is that once you understood them you could just simply apply them and solve. Math seemed to be something that Eddie was naturally pretty good at though. You wondered if it had anything to do with having to deal with numbers frequently in his campaigns. 

“Alright, I think that about wraps it up for today. Not sure about you but I’m getting hungry,” you said.

“Ok, I’m parked right over there,” he said pointing out the window to the van in the near empty  parking lot. “We can walk out together. You never know what sort of monsters might be lurking in the shadows at this hour,” he said with a look of exaggerated suspicion.

You chuckled and your heart fluttered in your chest, “Sure, actually I’m the red sedan a few spots down.” 

“Great, I know a shortcut,” said Eddie.

You both packed up your things and headed down the main hall towards the gym. 

It was when you rounded the corner that you saw them — Jason and Patrick filling their water bottles at the drinking fountain. 

You gave them both a little wave, which they returned half-heartedly. There was a curious expression playing on their faces which you had hardly a second to study before you passed. Eddie didn’t even look at them. 

You could feel the tension in the air, and their eyes on you as you both left out the back door.

Eddie reached into the pocket of his vest and procured a pack of cigarettes. “Sorry, do you mind? I’m totally jonesing right now.”

“Oh no, it’s fine.”

Eddie gave a gracious nod and popped a cigarette between his lips. He flicked the lighter and his mouth was washed in a warm glow, illuminating the smile lines already prominent on his young face. They suited him.

He blew the smoke away from you with a relieved sigh and you walked toward your cars together in comfortable silence. 

The sun was low in the clear blue sky, casting a golden light over the parking lot. The leaves were just starting to change in fiery orange and yellow patches. You could smell autumn in the crispness of the air, in the leaves that had already fallen as they skittered across the asphalt. 

Eddie ducked his head under your car in a swift motion and looked around suspiciously. “Coast is clear, no monsters.” 

You gave a big belly laugh. “Good thing I have you to keep me safe.”

The wind caught his hair as he rose to his feet and turned to you. “For you? Anything.”

Eddie Munson was beautiful like a neon sign at night. Beautiful like graffiti, like an empty street that beckoned you to wander down it.

You could feel your heart pounding as you smiled at him, turning to putty at his words. “See you tomorrow, Eddie.”

“See ya.” He gave a little bow with his head and waved as he turned toward his van.

You got into your car and set your bag on the passenger seat, letting out the breath you didn’t even realize you’d been holding in. You could hear the roar of the stereo as Eddie’s van came to life two spots over.

You couldn’t help but steal another glance at him. His hair swished and swayed as he bobbed his head to the beat. He was wild like the summer wind as it ripped across a field. 

His eyes caught yours again and he flashed you a smile, bright and blinding.

If there was once thing you were certain of in that moment, it was that Eddie Munson was going to be the death of you.

At least you couldn’t get in trouble for your thoughts.

______

A/N: Oooo we've got a revelation on reader's part and next chapter I've got some really delicious moments in store so sit tight because this burn is gonna be slow but oh boy is it gonna be worth it!

I have one request — If you read and enjoy this, especially if you ask/asked to be put on the tag list, I ask in return that you reblog AND tell me what you like about this fic, even just something short and sweet! Please engage with me, it’s all I get in return for writing a story that you love for free 💜

Tag list: @mermaidsandcats29 @toxicjayhoo @ooo-protean-ooo @jadequeen88 @wroteclassicaly @kissmyacdc @newlips

@msgexymunson @bebe0701 @latenighttalkingwithgrapejuice @bibieeddiesgf @idkidknemore @miahellagreat @alizztor @godcreatoreli @shotgunhallelujah @ethereal27cereal @munsonsgirl71 @strangerthings1983fan @eddiemunsonsbitcch @tlclick73 @emxxblog @siriusmuggle @sidthedollface2 @dollalicia @lma1986 @hayleylatour @catherinnn @maximizedrhythms @eddiemunson4life420 @readsalot73 @delightfulpeanutpiebiscuit @ruby-dragon @3rriberri @princess-eddie @nightless @bbyhargrove @eddiemunson011 @secretdryrose @eddieswifu @thew0rldsastage @quinnsfineline @chaoticgood-munson @edsforehead @hanahkatexo @lori7311 @eddiemunsonsbedroom @chainsawmunson @beep-beep-sherlock @mantorokk-writes @emily-roberts @averagemisfit03 @vintagehellfire @haylaansmi

Thank you all so much for reading and commenting along each week, it means the world to me!

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson smut #eddie munson older reader #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson x teacher!reader #don't stand so close to me #my writing

[babiebom]

apologies for my absence- holiday periods are tiring lmao how were they for you? unfortunately we have yet to watch the fnaf movie, as our group is one that is exceedingly difficult to make plans around because we're all busy 💀 but then there's the one guy who doesn't want to leave his house lmao luckily, iv'e been pretty good at staying away from spoilers, so i've got that going for me. on the other hand, i'm planning to go see Trolls 3, and my mother and sister recently went to see the new Wonka movie. Though from what i've heard from a friend, Wonka's no good :// Yeahhh, if i actually commit to the mod, i'd have to learn pixel art and reteach myself code and programming 😭... i used to be somewhat decent at it. oooo yes i love a good choose your own adventure! they're so much fun and i've actually coded 1 of my own :,) it was through Visual Basics though, so the formatting was a bit weird for me lmao if you're going for a visual novel type of look and playability, I'd probably recommend Unity or itch.io? in my experience, Unity is probably easier to use.. theres another website/app i used but i can't recall the name sadly :( if i do i'll get back to you though! i don't have that much of a detailed request this time, but perhaps some fluff and love languages between rasmodius and the reader? or like hcs of rasmodius's evolving interest/thoughts arund the reader before finally getting together? i'd perhaps request nsfw/smut stuff too but tbh i just don't have any ideas 💛 tysmm :D -🔮

A/N: I’m glad you’re okay!! Honestly I’ve been sick these past couple of weeks (I caught pneumonia and had it for a month before going to the hospital. I thought it was a cold oopsies) I haven’t watched anything new recently but I am watching the third season of singles inferno with some friends. And I guess until I can figure out how to make a visual novel I have to write the fic out lmao sucks for me because I think a game would be better but oh well. What can I do? And like always I’ll try to do both!! Check back for the second one!!

Tw: cursing, slight nsfw but no full on smut. Let me know if there’s something I missed!!

Wc: I have no idea! But these are headcanons so 10+ is the goal!!

Sdv Masterlist

Okay so there are five main types of love languages.

Physical touch, Words of Affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Quality Time.

I would also like anyone reading this to remember that these love languages are how you want to be loved/receive love not how you show love to others.

I do think that Rasmodius is very connected to himself

And by that I mean I think he knows himself very well, or at least he thinks he knows himself very well.

And for a long time I think he probably thought that Quality Time and Physical Touch were his main two love languages.

I mean idk if it’s canon but in my opinion I do think he cheated on the witch with Caroline

And I’m not gonna go into it here because this isn’t about them, but I think it might’ve had to do with that and his own struggles with temptations.

And I also think gift giving is canon for literally every single character in stardew because that’s the main way to befriend someone.

But I think that after marrying you/beginning to date you he realizes that his actual love language is words of affirmation.

While Physical touch and quality time are still very important to him, being with you makes him see that he really does like being praised.

Like whenever you say that he has done something well, or that you like something he has done his heart flutters as if he were a teenager again.

Especially when it comes to his magic

Like I feel like the townspeople aren’t really fond of him

And they never thank him for the things that he does whenever they actually need him for stuff

Like the haunted maze

Like they’re just talking about how weird he is and how he got it done

But they never stop and say anything that’s positive like WTF

So I think he would appreciate whenever you thank him or praise him and it would go straight to his head (which one idk 👀)

With quality time I feel like you get a lot of it after he moves to the farm

Like unless he’s working in his tower, or you’re off somewhere like in the mines

That you’re like together even if it’s spent in silence

And he loves that

Like he was super lonely before even if he doesn’t want to admit it

So just being in the same room as you counts as quality time for him.

And if you’re doing an activity that’s particularly domestic

He’s in heaven like he doesn’t wanna make it a big deal

But baking and helping you around the farm makes his heart soar.

I think in terms of how he shows love i think he would show it in acts of service and gift giving

Like oh you don’t feel well?

Don’t bother going to the clinic he’s just going to create a potion that stops you from getting sick

You’re afab and you’re having bad cramps during your period?

Consider them gone

Look at this thing he got for you

And while yeah this might seem like either a lot of insincere

In his mind and heart this is how he shows that he appreciates you and wants you to live a good and easy life.

If he can make things easier and less stressful for you

That’s exactly what he’s going to do

He loves you and while he loves receiving attention and love he’s kinda crap at giving it in the same way because he just doesn’t really know how

So this is how he does

He’s VERY romantic sometimes and shows it through gifts and services.

Very cute and a good significant other when you get past his rough exterior.

#stardew valley #sdv #stardew #sdv headcanons #stardew headcanon #stardew valley headcanons #sdv shitpost #stardew shitpost #stardew valley shitpost #sdv expanded #stardew expanded #stardew valley expanded #sdv rasmodius #stardew rasmodius #stardew valley rasmodius #sdv x reader #stardew x reader #stardew valley x reader #sdv magnus #stardew Magnus #stardew valley Magnus

[chaotic-archaeologist]

Hey Reid, really random question, but what do you discuss in office hours generally?

For context, I'm a new undergrad student (on a joint English, drama, and creative studies course, I know this isnt your department but it's not too relevant) and we've been sent forms to fill in about what we want to discuss with our personal tutor in our first meeting with them. I have no idea what you're supposed to talk about in these sessions and as the semester's only just started we're not yet doing assessments, coursework or big projects at all. Plus, as a joint honours student I don't know whether I can talk about my other subject well with her or not as she's only from one subject's department.

The only thing I was thinking I could talk about would be the fact that it's become clear already that my passion in the subjects is completely different to everyone else's on my course (there's only about a dozen of us in the classes for one of my departments) and I guess that leaves me a little directionless so maybe something about careers to do with that but I feel like it's such early doors to start discussing careers.

Anyway yeah, as someone who has already been there and who I believe is now doing it too (if wrong, sorry!) do you have any general recommendations of what students can talk about in office hours with their personal tutors or other teachers? Thank you!

Psst, I'm going to tell you a secret: the vast majority of students do not actually come to office hours. Even though they should! It literally cannot hurt! And coming to office hours is a great opportunity to build rapport with your instructor/TA and get academic help! But out of the approximately 300 student's I've had, I've met with maybe 10 of them.

I say this not to be cynical, but to drive home the point that you are winning by just showing up. You don't have to come with a list of perfectly prepared questions—you're a student, and you are, by definition, learning! Do the readings and assignments, and engage with your instructor.

Now, I'm not sure how your program works, and you say tutor rather than TA, so the etiquette might be a little different. A tutor is there to help you academically, while a TA is there to answer some questions, but by and large you are expected to be in charge of your own learning experience.

As a TA, I'm generally happy to meet with students by appointment, but I also really appreciate it when students are able to understand that I am 1) a human being with a finite amount of time and energy, and 2) my job is to support you but not hold your hand. Your section may not be the only one your TA is responsible for, and they also have their own studies to attend to.

Here are some things that are appropriate to ask from your TA:

To look over a paper draft and offer feedback (provided this is something they have offered to do as part of their job)

Request feedback on an assignment after your grade to know what you could do better next time

Schedule a meeting to discuss topics you are struggling with

And some things that are not appropriate to ask your TA:

Questions where the answers can be found on the syllabus (due dates, percentage of grades for certain assignments, the readings for a given week)

When will I get my grade? (See my above point about being only human. If assignments have been turned in, assume your TA is working on getting them back to you, and that they cannot do so immediately. Give it at least two weeks before checking in)

Asking for a particular grade on an assignment

As for your first meeting with your tutor/instructor/TA, I'll reiterate: just show up! Introduce yourself, say hi, and don't feel too much pressure to hit the ground running.

Here are some posts I've made that you might find relevant:

Tips to make your professors love you

Student conduct

Citation how-to

Thank your professors

Take a deep breath. I sense that you might be someone who puts a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect. Nobody else is expecting that from you. You're learning, and it's okay to be unsure and make mistakes! Trust in yourself to do your best in the moment; that's all you can do.

-Reid

#he speaks #academic advice #office hours

[bilightningwriter-writing]

Intro

Finally made a writing sideblog, so hi, hello, nice to meet you all.

Alright, so I've been mostly lurking in the whump tags the past couple years. While it's not new new to me, I'm still learning more of the tagging finese that's going on.

Appreciate any help and also maybe beta readers in future?

---

But anyway, here's the stories I've been working on for my Ao3 (also bilightningwriter for my username there):

Shadow of a Sheild*- Marvel omegaverse fanfic is currently centered around mostly my OCs Jamie (Steve Rogers' and Peggy Carter's daughter) and her love interest, Anna; though I'll have more scenes and/or separate simultaneous stories with other OCs (like Jamie's half+step siblings, Will and Becca) as well as other Marvel characters

Summary (current, to be edited):

Jamie Makayla Rogers (formerly Carter) is a girl displaced out of time. Much like her father, she was frozen in ice, but like his mate, she was forced into it. Now in the modern world, Jamie is struggling to communicate with the soldier who left her mother. Captain Steve Rogers. After all, until recently, he didn't even know she existed. Steve Rogers suddenly has a pup, already almost grown. Avenging the world seems a simpler task than attempting to raise a teenager.

Main tropes/themes/etc:

Superheros

Whump

The New Eden Institution- whump omegaverse fics made to both get comfortable writing for myself again, as well as to mess with AI because I guess Omegaverse screws with it, lol; no greater motivation than being petty

Summary:

New Eden Institution: A Correctional Facility for the Troubled and In Need

Is your child in need of intervention before progressing into adulthood? We're here to help! Your dependent must 18 or older. Unfortunately, we have no program for Betas so far, though we strive to eventually help all troubled children. Guaranteed improvement and healing.

Main tropes/themes/etc:

Dystopia

Whump

Soulmates

Fairytales/Legends/etc

The fairytales I'm working on so far for it are as follows:

Little Mermaid

Red Riding Hood

Swan Lake

Magic High School AU Collection*- Also unnamed; stories so far to be AUed are:

Lady and the Tramp

Swan Lake

Asterisks next to titles that are/will be restricted to users of Ao3 only because AI is ridiculous.

Main characters are all some combination of LGBT+ and/or neurodivergent (and I mean neurodivergent, not just the "nice disorders").

Warnings for these: SA is pretty prevalent in my stories, for personal reasons. Homophobic and transphobic characters (side characters are, not main ones, though some internalized for the main, but they get through it) as well as ableism. I've mostly stuck to what I personally know, so a lot of the main characters are white and not PoC, though I'm working on it, I just don't want to overstep or inadvertently be insensitive.

One thing I avoid is death, like killing off characters, especially the main ones. Big fan of "everybody lives."

That's it for now. I'll add more as I think of it.

#whump community #archive of our own #ao3 #writers on tumblr #writing #ao3 writer #autism writing #autistic writer #creative writing #diversity in writing #gay writing #lgbt writers #lgbtq writers #queer writers #writblr #writeblr #writeblr community #writer community #writerblr #writer things #writers #whump writing #writers of tumblr #writerscommunity #writing intros #whump #whumpblr #a/b/o verse #omegaverse #alpha beta omega dynamics

[retrowhatever]

All the Horizon Fanfic Stats You Never Knew You Needed

So I did some data analysis. More graphs and lots of rambling below the cut.

I love graphs. And spreadsheets. And making my hobbies unnecessarily complicated. So obviously once I discovered that there's an unofficial ao3 api, I had to learn a new programming language so I could throw some math at my Horizon hyperfixation and make some graphs about fanfics. This post is the result of that rabbit hole, I hope you enjoy it!

Before we get started, I want to make one thing explicitly clear: this post is a celebration. It's a celebration of fanfic, authors, and the fandom in general. If you have something mean to say about a ship, a writer, or a fic, this ain't the place. I made these graphs and wrote this post as a love letter to a game I'm obsessed with and the incredible people who make the fan content that is my main form of sustenance these days lol, so let's keep the discussion positive.

One last thing: I generated these graphs from data that I pulled on Aug 4, 2022. Anything published after that won't be reflected here. Alright, here we go! Let's see some graphs!

Fanfic by Length

The first thing I wondered is what the average length of fic was. I did not include any fics below 100 words, assuming they were either art or placeholders, neither of which provide any useful information regarding number of words.

I defined the categories as follows:

Ficlet - less than 2000 words

Short Story - 2K-10K words

Novella - 10K-50K words

Novel - 50K-100K works

Behemoth (pun fully intended) - 100K+ words

Obviously, there's some blurriness at the category edges, but it's pretty clear most fics tend to be relatively short. I'm genuinely surprised by how many huge, sprawling works there are though - I definitely expected there to be a single-digit number of behemoth fics. Mad props to the folks writing those monstrosities for the rest of us to enjoy!

Fanfic by # of Chapters

This graph kind of underscores the point about most fics being relatively short. There are almost twice as many single chapter fics than all other fics put together.

A thing I think is relatively unique to fanfic as a medium though, is that a fair number of those single chapter fics are novella or even novel length. You're not often going to find a book at a bookstore that's tens of thousands of words and has no chapter divisions, but that's not unusual in fanfic.

Fanfic by Author

Okay, the first thing you need to understand about this graph is the following numbers:

1

2.6

Those are the median and mean fics published per author in the Horizon fandom, respectively. In case you slept through your stats class, what that means is most fanfic writers have written one or two Horizon fanfics. Now go back and look at the graph.

...yeah. We as fanfic lovers owe a lot to these folks. Most of them are on tumblr, so even if you don't have an ao3 account (same, babe, same) you have no excuse not to go show them some love!

Serie11 is @valaloy

SoupAndChaos is @soupandchaos

mythicait is @mythicaitt

DragonRose35 I couldn't find a tumblr for

Kittleskittle is @kittleskittle

VidalsQueen is @sun-and-shadow-aloy

NorthernGhost is @thatsgonnabeanogho

sunspot (unavoidedcrisis) is @sunspott

januarys I couldn't find a tumblr for

foibles_fables is @foibles-fables

unstable_grad I couldn't find a tumblr for

Pikapeppa is @pikapeppa

YoGrossDude is @yogrossdude

bioluminesce is @owlswatch

wandereringray is @wandereringray

escafiils is @chloefraazers

Fanfic by Rating

Okay, now things are getting spicy! First of all, if I'd had to guess the most popular rating, it probably wouldn't have been Teen. But, given how popular the "fluff" tag is (foreshadowing for the tag graph later in this post), I guess it shouldn't be that surprising.

Secondly, I'm clearly not the only one who struggles to understand what exactly the Mature rating is for, considering it's the least-used rating by a fair margin.

Fanfic by Ship

The most popular ships, colour-coded based on orientation. From left to right: mlm, straight, wlw, poly, machines(?????), unknown

I want to reiterate here that I made this post to celebrate the awesome Horizon fandom, so if you're thinking of using this graph to argue that one ship is better/more correct than another... just don't, k? Good.

I also combined similar tags, so if someone used all three of the tags "Aloy/Erend", "Aloy/Erend (Horizon: Zero Dawn)", and "Aloy (Horizon: Zero Dawn)/Erend (Horizon: Zero Dawn)" for the same fic, that's actually going to count as three fics in the Aloy/Erend column. I'll probably end up redoing this graph eventually with a less naive counting algorithm, but for now this is what we've got.

Now that we've got methodology out of the way, let's talk about some cool things this graph shows!

First, Kotaloy shippers obviously have a lot of things to say. Unlike the other five most popular ships, Aloy/Kotallo is the only one involving a character that wasn't in the first game. And it's the second most popular ship! Y'all are rabid and I love it.

Second, of the wlw ships, the second and third most popular ships involve a character from the DLC and a character who dies immediately after you meet her, respectively. You guys are out here making meals from crumbs and I am impressed. Also, though, why don't Petra and Vanasha get more love??? I'm unsurprised that Talanah and her favourite Thrush are the #1 ship, but I (a clueless straight, to be fair) loved both Petra and Vanasha and definitely expected to see more fic involving them.

Third, I love the variety here. This graph only includes ships with at least 10 fics, and there are so many different ships represented! There were tons more that had 5-10 fics too, and it honestly made me so happy to see that there were multiple fic options for almost any pairing in the game.

Fanfic by Tag

Y'all. Look at all the fluff. People always joke about making their blorbos go through it in their fanfic, but like. There is SO MUCH FLUFF. We all really just looked at these characters and went "well, they deserve nice things for a change", huh? I also love how popular canon divergence is - anecdotally, I usually see that tag on fics that are like "well, what if that shitty thing didn't happen?"

That's not to say it's all sunshine and rainbows. The next two most popular tropes are "angst" and "hurt/comfort", and as an enthusiastic consumer of both, I'm not surprised. But again, anecdotally I see a fair number of fics tagged with one or both of those and a "fluff" tag.

Going back to the ratings graph, where we learned that the most popular fic rating is Teen & Up, it shouldn't be surprising that both "First Kiss" and "First Time" are more popular tags than any of the more explicit sex ones. Also, given that Aloy grew up an outcast, I think the popularity of those tags speaks to how fun it is for both writers and readers to delve into what that means for her when it comes to sex and relationships.

Finally, the most-used content warning tags will surprise exactly no one, I think. Canon-typical violence (because duh), PTSD (growing up a literal outcast before finding out you're a clone made by an AI so you can save the entire world from extinction will do that to ya, not to mention all the shit Aloy's friends/lovers have been through in their own lives), and canonical character death (glares at GEMINI) are all pretty obvious choices.

Conclusion

Because I have zero impulse control, I'm already working on a part two for this post, where I will address such pressing questions as "Which ship has the most verbose authors?" and "Who's the gayest Horizon character?" as well as recklessly use the powers vested in me by the math and algorithm gods to find some hidden gem fics that you might not have read yet.

In the meantime, I would love to hear some more opinions on these graphs! I've commented on some of the things I found interesting, but there's lots more to address here, so feel free to reblog this post or snag any graph you find interesting to use in a post of your own. I only ask that you tag me if you do - because I want to read what you have to say!!

Also, if there's any stats or questions about Horizon fanfic that you're particularly curious about, let me know. I'm limited by the information available on ao3, but I will do my best to find you answers and include them in the next post.

Lastly, one final reminder that we're here to celebrate the awesomeness of Horizon fanfic, the fanfic authors, and the fandom in general. I will humbly accept all constructive criticism about my (somewhat questionable) statistical methods and data interpretation, but ask that you keep comments about ships, tags, authors, etc positive and productive. Remember these are real people creating free content for the rest of us, and don't yuck someone else's yum.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you found this half as interesting as I did!

#doing data analysis of fanfic? just really letting my nerd flag fly here #horizon #horizon zero dawn #horizon forbidden west #hzd #hfw #ao3 #fanfic #fanfiction #data analysis #plotly #aloy x avad #aloy/avad #alvad #aloy x erend #aloy/erend #ereloy #aloy x kotallo #aloy/kotallo #kotaloy #aloy x nil #aloy/nil #niloy #aloy x talanah #aloy/talanah #hawk and thrush #words i said #i made this

[titanfall-moddy]

Huge Update

XO25_reworkFor_NSP

Goal: Rework Northstar Prime Titan to sound and behave more like Mihaly and the XO25f from Ace Combat 7

Tasks

1.Change offensive ability from Cluster Rocket to Multi-Target Rocket Core.

2. Create two new skins for NSP. Draw color palett inspo from XO25 Erusian fighters from AC7.

Skin 1 will be sleek and and clean. Mostly black with white and orange accents.

Skin 2 will be more weathered and beat up

3. Fix voiceline Mod

4. Change hud look to resemble AC7 hud. Main changes will include - changes to missile lock crosshairs - changes to taget acquisition crosshairs. Square = titan/vehicles. Octagon = pilot/grunt - change color scheme to green/red depending on situation - add elevation meter, maybe even double hover height, just for fun. kinda broken but whatever.

Lessons learned so far.

T1. Changing the offensive ability is actually really easy. all you have to do is go to /scripts/weapons/wpn_name and swap "shoulder" for "dumbfire" between the two files. While simple, bear in mind that the game will crash if player has not deselected both "Enhanced Payload" - Northstar "Multi-Target Rocket Core" - Monarch

from their Titan Kit. Having either ability selected will cause a crash on Titan spawn.

T2. Getting models into blender and editing them is simple enough through either the VPK tool or Legion+, however the real trick right now is getting them back into the game files in an edited/acceptable state. T3. I learned that nearly all audio for the voiceline mod (especially the viocelines) needs to be on Channel 2, otherwise called stereo. this mean that when you're looking at your audio file in whatever program you're using, there should be two audio waves right on top of each other that are identical. You must almost make sure that there is no meta data in the file, and that it's exported at 48K hz otherwise the game will not play the sound correctly.

Another note, it does not matter what you name the audio file so long as it goes into the proper folder, although giving it a similar name does help with organization.

T4. Changing the crosshair is probably the easiest thing to do in the game files. They're always in weapon .txt files and always at the very bottom. Also, there are plenty of lists online that have all the crosshair names so you don't even have to guess which ones are which or go sleuthing through the game files. I was able to change the mutli-lock crosshair to the smart-pistol reticle easy enough but struggled in getting the target- acquisition marker to show up even though it's coded into the multi-lock file. Weird, I know.

NEXT STEPS:

T1. Figure out whether or not it will be easier to add an entirely new titan via copy/pasting asssets and changing the names, or if I should change all existing assets for the game to XO25. In my brain the latter would be the easiest as there's some background stuff I won't have to change in order for the game to still function properly. However…

T2. My guess is that the easiest way to go about changing the skins is to edit the base model titan and then replace the existing model with my own. That way the edited version is the default skin in-game. However…

T3. I do not know why the mod isn't working anymore. Changing the vpk files shouldn't have affected it at all. I must figure out what's causing the issue. I've boiled it down to three guesses. 1. It's my computer, it just doesnt like or doesn't want to cooperate. 2. There's something actually wrong with the mod, i.e. it's not using the right dependency or something 3. somehow. palpatine returned.

T4. Changing crosshairs is very easy, thankfully. Getting crosshairs to behave is somehow another task entirely since I don't fully understand the games language/structure yet. For this, I need to get a hold of the Ace Combat game files and to be honest I haven't even begun to look into that yet. Hopefully it won't be too much of a hassle to import the assest into the game since they've both been out forever. I'd also like to take this time to stop myself before I add another task onto my already full plate. However…

11/7/2023

#modding #mods #titanfall #titanfall 2 #titanfallmoddy #audio #blender #blendr #the audacity #somehow palpatine returned #update #big update #XO25 #ace combat #ace combat 7 #project wingman #ac7 #the project is officially on github #i could really use some help if anyone feels like they want to jump on board #or offer up some advice #really i will take any pointers you could give me

[sebs-studies]

Unsolicited advice from a second year uni student

Since it's now September and most people I know will be heading either back to school or gearing up for university. And if anyone did what I did they might look at Tumblr to get some studying/life ideas (I did this during my A-levels and ended up making my own blog!). So I wanted to give some general advice from my perspective to anyone who might want it - also this will be specific to the UK but some of it is just general too. Also I want to be able to look back on this since I went back through my blog recently and realised I may have needed this advice even just a year ago.

For those who are about to go to university do not panic (cliché I know) but seriously. You will survive the first year I promise! It obviously varies from person to person and between unis and degrees but the first year will generally be a massive adjustment period in your life. And that will likely impact your mental health. This is totally normal. I got major impostor syndrome the first few months of uni. It wasn't until semester 2 that I started to feel comfortable. And largely because if was an entirely new way of learning and teaching, I had to completely relearn how to study, whilst also learning how to live on my own, and living in a new city and making friends.

You will make friends, it might not be immediately but you will find someone before the end of your first year. I got blessed by chance in making friends, but I know lots of people who it took the entire year to find their people. The unfortunate part of this advice is to make friends you do have to go outside and meet them (and I don't always mean going out drinking although this is definitely an option). Look for societies and clubs at your uni this will be 100% an easy way to meet people. And especially especially in the first few weeks of uni go to the welcome/fresher/first year events. I avoided them because I was anxious but turns out they're an amazing way to meet people because guess what? Everyone else is just as anxious as you are!

Expect your grades to go down at first and don't be discouraged, you can and will get those grades back up. And even if you don't (given that you are passing) it doesn't matter. Grades, especially at grad level are kind of inconsequential for most people. Two things to be mindful of are if you are going for a work placement or study abroad year (if you live in the UK) as first year grades do matter for those. Something no one will probably tell you till it's too late. But even then for most study programs you only need a 60% in your first year. And to just progress you only need a 40% (at most unis double check yours). Point being if there's ever a time for your grades to go down it's now, don't panic, your degree isn't over, you're not an impostor, you deserve to be here.

Everyone is struggling just as much as you are. Don't be fooled by Instagram or whatever. Even though I am guilty of it, we only show the nice parts of our lives online. When I get most stressed I step back from this blog, and you guys don't see the tears, sleepless nights, frustrating, and also kind of gross parts of being a student. So don't be fooled if Amanda from your seminar seems to have a perfect life on her Instagram, chances are she hasn't got it as together as you think, and you are no less better than anyone else in the room.

Save money anyway you can!!! I cannot stress this enough but one of the students biggest issues is spending. I'm guilty too but do your best especially in the first year to not overspend too much. Still enjoy yourself 100%, but do you really need to take out five times a week? Or the new shoes? Trust me by the time you get to your second year and your savings or your loan is gone you'll be wishing you held back a little.

If you are struggling. Talk to someone. For uni students, go to your mentor, academic lead, or look up the mental health service at your uni. Every uni (in the UK) has a mental health team. I know many of us are disillusioned with student support networks but I mean this when I say uni support systems are better funded, more rigorous and it serves them to support you. You are not just a student at the university, you are a customer paying a lot of money to be there. It's important that you are happy and you are progressing, otherwise both you and the uni lose! Don't be afraid to speak up when you need it, there will be someone there.

For UK students look up student groups for your university of Facebook. I'm being 100% serious when I say there is a gold mine of info on Facebook for unis. I never ever post on Facebook but it is so useful for staying in the know on events, stuff currently happening, and lots of student groups are pretty funny/gossipy. Some unis even have pages giving away free stuff from previous students, i.e. crockery, kitchen stuff, speakers etc. I managed to save some decent money on these groups. Also if you're into clubbing this is a pretty good way to learn where the good spots are in your city ;)

Romanticism will only go so far. Don't exhaust yourself on how you look. At the end of the day if you are getting the job done who cares if you did it hunched over a bag of cold McDonalds at 3 am? It's no better than someone with a green smoothie at a coffee shop.

I say a lot of this because my first semester was an emotional rollercoaster. During my GCSEs to A-Levels I thrived academically and then coming to Uni I felt like I was so out of my depth. And it wasn't until the second year I realised that this is, a) normal, and b) not that deep! So you scored a little low on an essay? Take the advice and work on the next one. You had some awkward conversation at a uni event? Everyone has forgotten about it already, give a different event a go. One of my favourite things about university is that it is surprisingly low consequence (in the grand scheme of things). Making mistakes won't end you it's okay. I know everyone on studyblr is a perfectionist but give yourself some leniency please. Anyway that's enough of my ranting. To be honest I expect no one to read this. But I am curious how I'll update it in a year's time once I'm going into third year.

If anyone has any questions about university my DMs are open. (I actually am now a paid guide for welcoming first years so it is literally my job lol).

#studyblr #university #uni advice #life advice #not thst im qualified to give advice im a mess #but maybe thats why im qualified because if anyone gets it #its probably me #university of leeds #studyspo #academia #study tips #uni tips #unsolicited advice #studyinspo

[gingersnappish]

Hi! I just want to say I absolutely adore your art, and I'm so excited to see your new stuff! Particularly anything Kylo Amidala related, it's my favourite au/concept of mine and I love seeing different artists takes on it!

I was just wondering if you had any advice for new artists? I want to be good at drawing but I get so discouraged when things don't come out how I envisioned.

Also, could I ask what you use to draw your art? Is it a digital setup you have? Would you have any recommendations on things to get?

Sorry to ask you so many questions, so please feel free to ignore this! I hope you have a lovely day, and thank you so much for all your wonderful contributions to the kylux fandom ❤

Thank you so much, Anon, for this lovely missive! It was such a warm feeling to find it in my inbox and brought a smile to my face! I love Kylo Amidala more and more the longer I'm in kylux fandom-honestly I wasn't sure if he was my 'thing' or not at first, years back, and then the more I saw takes on him in art and writing and fandom in general, the more he grew on me :) He allows for so much fashion fun and character creativity-like you said, it's really fun to see everyone's 'take' on him! Part of the reason it's taken me this long to respond is that I read what you asked about starting out with art and related hardcore! The thing where you got the vision but it can feel discouraging when stuff doesn't come out finished like it looked in your head? That was me for like- a couple decades. Still me on certain days. Like, MOOD, my friend! The good news is: every artists struggles with the above problem. So you are not alone! I guess in a sense, the bad news is also: 'everyone from beginners to seasoned professionals ' struggle with this....so yeah, it doesn't ever *entirely* go away? BUT! Better news: There have been a lot of 'takes' written and a lot of good advice given about how to mentally manage the 'it doesn't come out how I wanted' phenomenon! It's not so much 'make it go away' as it is 'learn to manage that phenomenon in a healthy, painless, productive way'. And that is a learnable skill that gets *a lot* easier with practice!

Also: I hoard tutorials/drawing resources for all levels/YT channels/'how to think about and approach art meta'/etc like a dragon hoards gems, so I'm putting together a post of resource links that might help or give you some starting points--that is taking a hot minute to craft though, so I figured I should just go ahead and respond here today and then post the resources list as soon as I get it finished (so you don't feel like your ask just went into the void)! Re: What I use to draw....time was, that would have been a whole post to itself on traditional materials and comparing computer programs and such. These days it's real straightforward: Procreate on an iPad :) I'm entirely digital these days but my honest opinion is that everyone is drawn to different materials and media and you should feel free to try out working in whatever interests you, whether that is digital art tools, or traditional media like acrylic or ink or something else! Also: making lots of drawings and practicing with what is cheap and available will get you farther,faster than any expensive supplies when you are starting out. Ballpoint pens and a pad from the Dollar Store (or equivalent where you are) are perfectly serviceable for practicing-plus sometimes I personally find I relax and have more fun experimenting and less angst if things don't come out how I wanted if I'm not working with something 'precious'. Case in point: I have custom-leather-worked sketchbook made by a friend sitting up in the office, being exquisitely beautiful and gathering dust. It is empty but for a single drawing, that I became unsatisfied with the day after I finished it. I got that sketchbook 7 years or more ago and I'm still trying to convince myself to use it properly. In contrast, last summer we went to the beach near our house and while we were there I ended up with access to cheap kiddie art supplies from a summer 'communal stash'-a blank sketchbook of the lowest quality paper and 10 colors of crayola pencils, half sharpened. It was a 'throw away', didn't matter what was done in that book-there were 10 more like it in the pile. I ended up doing a bunch of messy stuff born of people-watching and seagull-antics-observation. Filled 5 pages, both sides, and felt incredible joy in the making of shitty scribbles! And then I just put the book back in the 'communal stash' at the end of the day, since there were still a bunch of blank pages left. It was low-pressure and extremely freeing. (side note: when we went back a week later, the other sketchbooks were gone but that one I'd messed around in had more doodles from artists of all ages and beginning skill levels. And more the week after that. I think it turned out to be pretty freeing for a lot of people.) OK, this turned into a way longer response than I intended-boy, can I 'talk'! I hope you have a good day! Wishing you lots of positive creative vibes!

#ginger answering asks

[askfallenroyalty]

if youre still answering art tip questions, how do you visualize scenes? like, i know the emotions of the scene, i know what movements the characters make, but whenever i try to put that into a comic format, all of their positions are either face front or back view. ive been trying to break the habit since forever now to draw different angles with characters, but not knowing how to move the 'camera' is really frustrating, since you want every shot to be unique to the scene. do you have any tips on perspective and focus? both with characters themselves and what to focus on in panels?

expand your visual library O:

i'll be honest, when characters are just talking -I very much struggle with the same "characters stand and talk" issue. I worry about repeating the same paneling over an over. This is a normal worry within long form comics where, frankly, mundane scenes that don't call for much "action" or anything intresting.

I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing though. You have to have these "drab" sections to pace out the impactful ones, otherwise if it's just bam bam bam interesting stuff going on every page, you'd be lost in a sea of noise. Just like in composition, you need balance.

For when you do need to spice things up, look into shot composition for film or read Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud (I recommend all 3) they're THE textbooks on making comics... while also being comics.

but yeah usually I'll switch from front facing to profile view and zoom in /out the camera. I always aim to have something note worthy in every comic -never waste the reader's time with pointless fluff. It doesn't have to be plot or anything significant, it can just be a joke. As long as it's something. The cat comic really pushed the envelope on this but personally I find it funny in it's anti-joke kinda way.

I don't care if you think you're funny or not, just trying for a joke every page is worth doing. I don't think I'm a funny person -but damn if making this comic hasn't had me laughing constantly at my own jokes. UT really inspires me to just throw shit at the wall and see what joke lands. ALL stories need jokes. You need levity. this might sound like odd advice but i recommend adding more comedy to your comics, it'll add a lot of life and composition to it just on the nature of being unpredictable.

working on your storytelling (past comedy) will influence how you direct scenes as well.

In this scene: Chara and Asriel are separated by a panel border and never look at each other directly -they are literally not seeing each other eye to eye. The one time this method breaks is when Chara makes their declaration for Asriel to stay home -but then Asriel runs off, again separated by a panel and leaving Chara to their own panel alone.

Comics are a visual medium with it's own specific language and strengths. It can be like storyboards and be directed like film, so learning camera angles, visual symbolism, color theory etc. will help your paneling. If you have the time or the right program (I use Clip Studio, which has 3d models but you can play around with blender which is free) mess with 3d models of characters or rooms. See how literally moving a camera changes how you view scenes.

I guess the last piece of advice I have is just... be experimental! Every now and then, try something new and weird. When we met Goat Chara I gave their second panel an awkward close up where it's from Flowey's perspective. It's a visual gag you'd blink and you'd miss it, but it also helps establish that yeah, this is Chara, they're in your face with a snoot now instead of a human one with a nose. Normally, I wouldn't be caught dead shoving a camera into someone's face as a drawing, because it's awkward and a general rule of thumb is never draw a character 100% full straight on forward unless it's for a visual reference or for 3d modeling.

)You do that to accurately create the character symmetrically and to rig the 3d model btw)

this is not how people stand (unless it's for the meme) IRL. people move around and they don't face each other like robots on a grid, you know? give characters something to do, even if it's just to play with their hair or scratch their face. The comic pages are static but the character's aren't, they're going to move around and express themselves.

Hope this helped anon! have fun making your comics ^_^

#ooc #tbd #not art

[charmillaria]

well it sure has been a while....

in no particular order, a few life updates since, what, 2015:

I did graduate undergrad, and got a Master's degree too, in Public History

and I had an entire career (5 years at an American Jewish history museum) before getting laid off early pandemic

and now I'm starting a whole new career, as an administrator at a Jewish educational nonprofit

at a workplace that is, dare I say, healthy???

(well, before current events happened, at least....)

(being one of two anti-Zionists at a mainstream Jewish org is rough and until now pretty rarely came up but.........)

I've also gotten super involved at my synagogue. like, took and completed a two year shaliach tzibur training program and now regularly lead services (and led a part of Rosh Hashanah services this year?????)

and leyn Torah so frequently that I now coordinate it for my shul lmao

and also have recruited/trained/supported several new leyners

and this coming Shabbat two of them are leyning for the first time, and one who has only leyned short 3–4 verse aliyot is leyning 10 verses

and I'm definitely crying during services lmao

seriously though, I've joked with my rabbi that I have a "punch card" of all the different modes of trope (Torah, haftarah, High Holidays, Purim, Tisha B'Av, the megillot, and sifrei emet) and so far I've learned all but the last two........

(she also called me a "super leader" recently and who even am I anymore??)

dare I say, rabbinical school has also crossed my mind, though I'm still leaning heavily towards no (but would need to seriously improve my Hebrew first if I ever wanted to, and I want to do that anyway, so that's my learning goal moving forward!

and on that note, I've finally accepted I'm autistic, and also was diagnosed with adhd

(and, surprise, got diabetes too)

mycology was the special interest that finally made all the pieces fall into place, with leyning and Jewish liturgy coming soon after

I super amicably broke up with my partner of 10 years and now live with just my two cats who are both Very Weird in Very Different Ways

I have Many Tattoos and I love them and I'm getting another in two weeks (surprise it's a mushroom) with a whole list of future ideas

I also cross-stitch a whole bunch

and write poetry apparently?? (and may share some here...)

and do Tarot (still, I guess?)

this is all that's coming to me for now but like....

I never could have imagined saying this the last time I was active here but, like, actually my life is really good now

I'm struggling to actually internalize the good things I'm surrounded by (though starting to engage in הַכָּרַת הַטּוֹב Jewish gratitude pratices has helped a lot), but like when I think about it..... I'm pretty content

it's pretty wild

but pretty nice

#sea says #i think that was my tag for actual personal blogs? #i guess i need to find a new tag #shrug emoji #anyway #i am leaning into letting myself brag a lil sometimes #bc somehow #i have things to brag about #which is to say i have done things that i am excited to share about with others and if anyone doesn't like that well too bad

[marylynbirds]

My journey studying with Autism (higher education)

Not sure if this is going to help anyone, but I wanted to share some of my experiences studying with autism (in the Netherlands specifically). I guess I just want to show, even though I'm doing well academically now, there is more to that than just being smart, I had to grow a lot before getting where I am today. Buckle up; it's a long one. (disclaimer after writing: it doesn't focus a lot on autism explicitly, but it definitely had a lot of influence)

tl;dr: I had a number of struggles, made some decisions, and am doing better now! First, some context: in the Netherlands, there are several forms of higher education; the ones that are important in my story are Universities of Applied Sciences (or: Higher professional education. HBO in Dutch) and Research Universities (WO in Dutch). As the name implies, a WO focuses on research, thinking analytically and critically. It has higher entry requirements than HBO. It has a relatively high teaching speed and requires a lot of self-study; in general, it is considered a lot harder than HBO. Study programs at an HBO are more practical, and your future profession is a lot clearer from the start (the programs are more specific), and there is more supervision (and, in my experience, group work, though this may vary).

Without getting too much into the Dutch educational system: I followed the 6-year program that would allow me to go to a WO immediately after high school (at the age of 18). I chose to study history and then do a masters to become a high school history teacher. I also started a part-time job in September. I had to travel for a little over an hour to get to class. And... I had no idea I have autism.

year 1

I loved it. I loved the academic environment, learning all the new things, and going to classes. At first, things seemed great! Until exams came around. Even though I had been making my homework passionately, I didn't pass any of the three exams. (Do note that I had to pass 9 out of 12 courses to be allowed to stay in the program, so missing the first 3 already was a big deal). The student councillor wasn't too worried. He told me to follow a course on study skills (which helped a lot! I do recommend looking into the resources your school offers, I paid maybe 5 euros for 6 sessions of coaching). And he told me that if I was worried about the 9 out of 12 rule (BSA for those familiar with the system), I could unenroll before February and try again next year. Even though my study skills improved, I didn't have enough time to apply them in the second block, so I also failed those 3 exams (and the resits). I also felt like I needed a break, I was so tired and decided to do as the student councillor had advised: I unenrolled before the start of the 2nd semester.

year 2

I spent the next semester putting in a few more hours at that part-time job I mentioned earlier and even got more responsibilities over the summer. I also decided I wanted to move out and live in the city where I was also studying; it'd save me about 3-4 hours of travelling every day. I moved into a little studio that summer. I kept my job in the town I came from. The first semester went by pretty smoothly! I failed 2 classes but was probably able to pass them during resits. I was tired a lot and spent more time on the part-time job than I wanted, so I quit (maybe the semester didn't go by as smoothly as I remember, lol). The second semester started in February 2020, and a few weeks in, we went into lockdown. Tbh, the combination of having quit my job and having no obligations besides doing my homework and showing up for online classes was great. It allowed me to rest and focus on my studies (which I was still quite passionate about). (I know a lot of people had a terrible time during lockdowns and had very negative experiences due to covid. I count myself lucky that I didn't). I passed all my classes that year and moved on to the second year (out of three).

year 3

I was doing a lot better at this point. I felt capable and even became a student mentor for the upcoming first years (I had to show them around the campus once and just be available to answer basic questions. Because of covid, we had a weekly check-in online).

I also moved to a bigger studio during the first term, it was hectic, but I managed to write the two essays that needed to get done and passed both with a good grade. HOWEVER. My mother had gotten slightly concerned and started wondering if maybe I had autism (like my 2 brothers and both my parents...)(for context: my mother is a kind of social worker who specialised in autism, so she was making a VERY educated guess) because little things seemed to stress me out much more than is considered 'normal'. The second term was terrible. I had no idea how I was supposed to write my essay, and the teaching style did not at all match my study style. I spoke to the student councillor again and cut down on the workload. At the end of the first semester, I was put on a waitlist to get a diagnosis, and I also applied for additional financial help because I was not able to have a job while studying (because of the suspected autism). During the second semester, things went downhill quite quickly. I was tired and had lost motivation. In April, I decided I would switch study programs and go to an HBO after the summer and follow the English teacher program there.

Year 4

Things were very different at HBO. I actually felt like I was back in high school. My co-students seemed to have much less discipline than me, and most were a few years younger. I am fairly certain that people thought of me as a teacher's pet (which I am, tbh) and possibly a bit arrogant because I was not shy in letting people know I knew the answer. I quickly noticed I had a big advantage in multiple facets: study skills, self-discovery, English proficiency (my history courses were all in English) and history (specifically British and USA). This allowed me to focus my energy on other things: such as adjusting to the new social situation, my new relationship (I met him at the teaching program, lol) and getting a diagnosis. I passed all my courses in one try, except my speaking exam (pronunciation is my weak spot, I passed the resit). I didn't have time for a job or a lot of extracurriculars, but I managed to get through the year pretty well with good grades. I also was officially diagnosed at the start of the second semester. year 5

This was the past year. It was tough, but again, I managed to get through the year with good grades. Do I think I could keep up a full-time job as a teacher? Maybe not the best idea if I also want to have a social life. But I feel like I am getting the hang of things and am getting more aware of my needs (especially in relation to my autism). I did experience a lot of stress the past few weeks as I had to finish a few reports and am looking for ways to get help with reports I have difficulty with. Making the decision to go from WO to HBO was quite scary. It was not what I had in mind, and it'd mean adding a whole lot of years to my student debt (we actually have an okay system here). During this year, I was actually able to have part of my student debt erased, so that was a big relief. Idk how many of you will make it to this point of the post. And I don't know if any of you got any wiser from reading about my experiences. I hope it gave you some hope that not everything has to be perfect from the start. It took me some time to find out what was best for me; it's okay if you need more time. Anyway, I might make a post about what it is like to study with autism. If you have any questions about: - studying in the Netherlands (with or without autism) - picking between WO or HBO - what regulations I applied for to get additional funding and have part of my student debt erased (these are regulations for Dutch students with disabilities, not just autism) - or anything else you think I might be able to say something useful about feel free to leave a comment! (I am fluent in Dutch, so if that's easier for you, that's fine!)

#autistic #asd #autism #studying #studying with autism #neurodivergent #studying in the Netherlands #student

[elphabashepard]

Ok, I have two questions for the Work Wives/Abbott Elementary fandom, because the more I re-watch the episodes we have (because, Hello New Hyper-fixation as I now can’t watch anything else for the foreseeable) the more these two moments in very different episodes don’t necessarily not make sense but are jarring for me.

1. Why didn’t Barbara ask Melissa for help or at least ask to collaborate on the iPad based reading program? She was sat next to her through the training session, Melissa would have seen her struggling & Melissa was open about struggling herself. I get saving face in front of Janine & all the younger staff, but Melissa & Barbara have worked side by side for ~20 years (I think? I’m conflicted about that, because Melissa says “when we started at Abbot” & she’s been doing the bunny thing for 15 years, but we never get an exact start time).

Does she really feel the need to hide those kind of insecurities from Melissa too? Because she had no problem talking about the tuatara & how long she’d been visiting him or with Melissa addressing her vulnerability about how long she’s been teaching.

2. That snip she makes about not listening to Melissa give Janine advice in the Halloween episode. It just felt really out of place to me? She’s never not listened to Melissa before. I guess there’s the take that Mel is giving Janine advice Barbara might deem unnecessary or something she doesn’t need to listen to. But Melissa is still her friend. I’d understand not listening to Janine, once she determined that someone else was going to handle this particular “Momtor” moment, but telling Melissa she “fully wasn’t listening” just seems… snappy.

& I know the shippy takes on it (& I love them, obviously 😍 Work Wives devotee over here) but if you put a pin in those, how else do you explain it? Maybe I’m looking at things with rose coloured glasses but I would never say something like that to a friend of mine, regardless of the conversation. (Which, I’m aware, is probably part of the reason I relate to & cringe over Janine so very badly.)

& I get the being snappy with other characters, especially the young ones she doesn’t quite respect yet but is warming to. But Melissa? That she’s worked side by side with for upwards of 15 years? Maybe that’s the answer & because of how long they’ve known each other, she expects Melissa to be completely unbothered by what she’s saying.

I just don’t think that’s the case? Melissa might want to be as prickly as a hedgehog by a busy road, but we all know she’s squishy as a semi-roasted marshmallow the minute she even vaguely cares. & I feel like Barbara should know that?

Then again, she didn’t realise the “playing in the mud” comment landed like it did & Melissa’s reaction - she didn’t even think to attribute that to having hurt Melissa’s feelings either. It was all about the money, the school, the transaction, rather than having implied her friend was less than.

& she never really apologised either? (Which might bother me more than a bit.) Though of course, she does follow Melissa’s lead with that & depending on their backstory, their understanding, that might be enough - we’ll learn more the further in we get.

& on the flip side of both of those, we don’t see Melissa go to Barbara about the reading program, even though they were both struggling, or does she make it entirely clear she’s upset with Barbara for hurting her, rather than just the school’s chances for funding. I don’t know. I get there’s only so much space in the scripts & of course, Janine’s the focus, I just had to get this stuff out of my brain.

I don’t know, I’m having a lot of thoughts & feelings about these two & just needed a ramble. Sorry. It started out structured like I hoped & ended not great.

If anyone wants to come ramble/theorise/chat through any of this, please feel free.

#melissa schemmenti #barbara howard #abbott elementary #melissa x barbara #e.s. personal #to be clear I love both these characters so much & will watch both of them avidly for as long as the series lasts #I just want to clear out some of this brain rot

[dustbinflower0]

Bit of an update

It's been a little while since I've written anything. Things have been a struggle and my lack of energy and level of exhaustion has been extreme, to the point where its majorly affecting my functioning and quality of life. Recent labs show my liver function is suffering from malnutrition and protein deficiency. During the week I go to my program in the morning and put my all into it. Then go to therapy, which has been tough and painful and beautiful. I go home and go straight to sleep by 2pm in the afternoon.

By that point I feel dead...can't think, can barely move, can't hold a conversation or respond to texts. Can't do anything. Depression and exhaustion has made me isolated from people irl and on social media, and then the being MIA and not responding to people snowballs, and I feel guilty which paralyzes me more and I just go into hiding in bed.

Some positive things are I guess that I have a job counselor, though she's been shit at responding. Thinking of volunteering at an organization that assists immigrants and refugees but been too tired to fill out the application. I keep falling into avoiding every little thing.

I've been learning Spanish, which I enjoy a lot. I'm on an app where you can have a language partner, mine is from Puerto Rico. They're practicing English with me and in turn helping me with Spanish. It's been a cool new connection.

For my birthday Nate got us an airbnb cabin wat up in Northern Maine in the woods by a lake. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The leaves were all in color and getting up early to go by the lake as the sun rose and the geese and loons made haunting calls in the fog was so amazing. Elsie came with us and she was so happy running around it made the trip even better. It was such a great gift.

Anyway, I've missed people on here amd having that connection, so hopefully I can get back to posting more and having a safe place to vent.

#personal

[l0ngst0rysh0rt]

01 (March 10, '24)

all of my feelings rn

I've been having so many issues recently. I'm not happy, but I'm a little less stressed I guess. This is really just all of the things I'm struggling with right now and my thoughts on current events. I don't think that anyone cares but at least I can get my thoughts out. This is my version of the Broski Report.

Current Reads:

I'm currently reading Across the Green Grass Fields by Seanan Mcguire. This is the 6th book in the Wayward children series and I am OBSESSED with this series. I like that the books are short enough that you feel like you're finishing something really quickly (the books are all between 120-200 pages). I enjoy literally every aspect of them. The representation and diversity is really encouraging, the world building is so good, the writing is beautiful. So many parts of each of these stories ahs been imprinted on me. They are so memorable which is really refreshing. I haven't had a book, let alone a whole series, be so memorable in such a long time.

I really want to create little miniatures of each of the covers. I saw someone on TikTok making miniatures of each of The Hunger Games arenas and god that is all I want to do. I'll do it eventually. Maybe it will be a summer project for myself.

Life Plan

I've come up with a new plan for my life. I think I would be such a good teacher not only because I love school, but I'm just really passionate about learning and education. I've been scared of going to school for teaching because I hear about all of these horror stories from teaching in schools and how bad it is right now and I just have little hope that it will be better in the next few years. I was watching another TikTok series from an elementary school librarian and something clicked with me. I want to be a school librarian. It just makes sense for me. I have always loved reading, literacy, and the library in general. There has always been a touch of the library in every part of my life. I think that I would still be able to get the feeling of teaching without having to also be in the classroom full time. I have done some research and the path is going to be hopefully smooth I just have to wait until the fall to start school again. I'm going to just finish getting enough credits for a general studies degree, then I'm going to apply for the online masters program for library sciences that also gets you the necessary requirements for being a school librarian.

Music that I'm loving recently.

I've become such an Evermore girlie. I'm so obsessed some of the songs just scratch a part of my brain right now. I wish I had been more of an Evermore girlie when I went to Eras because I had Dorothea as one of my surprise songs and I wasn't all that excited. I wish I had also been in a better head space when I was at Eras because I wish I could have had a better time. I was going through a rough time and I just want to experience it again. I desperately want to go to Eras again but maybe I can find some people that will watch Eras with me and act like it's a concert.

Things that I'm struggling with.

I wish that I could slow myself down. I have always had issues thinking I am not in the right spot for someone my age even though nobody else expects more of me. I put so much pressure on myself and it sucks. It's one of my goals in therapy to give myself a break.

I really wish I could relive an average day when I was younger. I took it for granted and I would give anything to go back to being a kid. I really don't like this whole adult thing. I miss being taken care of. I feel like I am just surviving because I'm trying to get through everything and I'm so unhappy because I am constantly taking care of things and nothing is taken care for me.

In the same vein, I've been feeling awful about things I did and said as a kid when it pertained to my mom. My mom was an alcoholic when I was little. Now, she was a functioning alcoholic. She never lost her job or anything but she did drink a lot. She's been sober for over 10 years and I am so so so proud of her for that. I admire her for giving up her addictions. I want to be like her more when it comes to my addiction. Anyways, I said some out of pocket shit as a kid when it came to my mom and drinking. Some of the things I think about are like how my sister would roleplay as the drunk mom when we played house, after the tornado my sister and I made jokes about how my mom's beer can made it to the neighbors yard, I told people in Kindergarten that my mom was in Vegas and hurt her neck because she was too drunk. I feel awful about saying those things. How awful my sister and I must have made her feel. I would never be able to live with myself after that. I want to be clear not all of my memories are of my mom drunk- I only remember seeing her physically drunk one time.

I am so fucking hard on myself it makes me miserable but I don't know how to fix it. I'm so preoccupied with being perfect at everything that I don't give myself room to grow and do better than the last time. It's really exhausting. I wish I knew where this came from. My parents have been nothing but supportive in anything I've ever done. I exceeded any expectation they ever had for me. I somehow got it in my head that I can't be anything but the best or perfect at everything. It's been hard at this new job too because this is a whole new world I'm learning but I'm so obsessed with being perfect the first time that I'm not even really retaining why I'm doing the things at work that I'm doing.

I am so anxious all the time. It is such a big barrier for me and it affects every.single.second of my life. I'm constantly anxious about time, how I'm coming off, how I look, how I'm perceived. When Taylor wrote "I wouldn't marry me either/ a pathological people pleaser," I so so so feel that. I wish I could slow myself down more.

I have like zero sense of self. I have no clue who I am who people perceive me as. I feel like I have no friends to tell me that either. I'm a really lonely person right now but I can't get myself to fix that. I wish I didn't isolate myself so much. It really sucks.

Along with no sense of self, I want to wear different clothes but I have zero clue where to start. I have ideas but I don't know how to wear things the way other people do.

I think this is the end. This was really theraputic :)

#taylor swift #stream of consciousness #thoughts #evermore

[000recover]

12.30.23

today is my first five days sober since september, which is really weird to write out after going nearly the entire time not even being aware of how much i was drinking. my initial withdrawal symptoms have mostly passed; i luckily wasn't severe enough to have to check into a detox program, but i've been struggling since pouring out what i had left anyways. i still get really anxious and antsy at night, especially now that i live alone. a lot of my friends know i've quit drinking now but only a couple + my sister know that i'm an alcoholic. i had a fever the last couple days, but no sickness and tested neg for covid. i've been really tired and demotivated, too. tomorrow feels pretty scary for me. i'm going into the new year very different than i thought i would

i've been looking into support groups the last couple days. one of my friends is recommending i do AA instead of SMART recovery. AA does scare me and seems a lot more closed off than SMART does; no one i've ever known did well in AA, but most of the people i knew in SMART didn't, either. i have a therapy appointment next week to help decide where to direct my treatment. it's all pretty terrifying-- i feel like i still don't really have a reason to be getting help, because i could never drink as much as a lot of people i knew, especially my ex. i guess that isn't the only factor, though. i haven't been able to eat very well lately because my appetite is so screwed, but i went grocery shopping today anyways (second time on my own!!) because i needed cat food. the grocery store was somewhere me and my ex fought a lot because i couldn't handle the sensory overload and stress of even trying to get there, especially when i was hungover. it's pretty embarrassing thinking of some of the arguments we had when i felt sick. that's how we learn i guess, right?

my friend is coming over tomorrow to spend new years with me! i'm hoping we get to go out for a bit and have fun, especially because being in my apartment all day isn't helping my cravings. the late night coffee place closest to me just closed, which sucked because i only visited there once when i was still drinking. i feel like i just need a quiet public space to sit/. not alone, but not bugging others, and not being too close to relapse.

i have a lot of things i want to do next year. i really hope i can get top surgery, still. it's really nervewracking going into the new year with so many fewer people in my life and so many fewer coping mechanisms. i'm also out of cigarettes, because i went through so many this last week between christmas with my family and withdrawals. i may try to sleep early-- it's hard to fall asleep right now, but boy do i do it well when i figure it out

(can't stop listening to paul by big thief. it reminds me so much of so much)

#000recover #recovery #healing #diary #alcoholics anonymous #alcoholism #substance abuse #journal #first post #sobriety #addiction #addiction recovery #Spotify