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caseyscartwright · 4 years

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My thoughts on 13RW Season 4 (SPOILERS)

So I originally wasn’t going to write a review, because if I’m completely honest, I’m still in shock by that finale... but here we go...

Overall, I enjoyed this season a lot more than season 3. This time, we didn’t have Ani’s annoying narration, that weird crap that was Bryce/Ani and that Bryce “redemption” bullshit that the writers shoved down our throats last season, so kudos for that. Too bad the ending fucked everything up.

Now, let’s go character by character:

Jessica: Jessica has always been my favorite character (besides Hannah), so I was really disappointed by her arc this season... if we can call it that. Her reaction to Justin breaking up with her was really immature. I understand that she was hurt, but Justin was right, he wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship and needed to focus on his recovery, so for Jessica to go after the first guy she could find (Diego) to get back at him... it was shitty. Also, what the hell, Jessica? Diego spent the whole season tormenting Clay and defending Tyler’s rapist. Aren’t Clay and Tyler your friends? Why are you sleeping with someone who is messing with people you claim to care about? And please don’t say it’s for “information”, because you clearly liked him, even tho he was an asshole. Once again, the writers made Jessica’s storylines all about boys, first it was Alex and Justin, now it was Justin and Diego. And to give one final “fuck you” to her character, they implied she ended up with Diego. “Ask me in a month”, um, so it’s going to take you a month to get over Justin? Okay, cool.

Clay: I’ve always loved Clay. Always. He’s flawed, he’s stupid, he’s too stubborn... but he cares. I’ll say this tho, he was a complete ASSHOLE towards Justin during that party, and he should have apologized for all those awful things he said, because that shit was NOT okay. I appreciate that he got help, and Dr. Ellman was a fantastic character, but his arc got old real fast. Clay has some fucked up hallucinations, Clay has a breakdown and makes a scene in front of people, Clay claims everything is fine when clearly it’s not. We get it, he thinks he’s Batman and can handle all this shit alone. Well, clearly, he can’t.

Ani: I’ll admit, I actually liked Ani this season. I think it’s because her screentime was reduced (she missed big moments like the camping trip and the shooting drill), and she wasn’t inserting herself in everyone’s business like last season. I appreciate her standing up for her friends against Winston and apologizing to Jessica for sleeping with Bryce, but that NEVER should have happened. It was weird as hell how she kept defending Bryce in s3, insisting he wasn’t a monster (he was a serial rapist who raped your friend, how is that not a monster). Her “explanation” as to why she slept with Bryce was crap. “I was lonely and stupid”, well, aww!! Lots of people are lonely and stupid, but that isn’t an excuse to defend a serial rapist and sleep with him multiple times. And even before she slept with him, she kept hanging out with him, playing poker and laughing like nothing was wrong. Weird as hell. At the end of the day, I still don’t know who Ani is, other than “the girl who liked Bryce and then liked Clay.” I’m 100% grateful that she and Clay broke up, that was never going to work, so I’ll drink to that. It was also annoying how she and Clay took their sweet time to tell the others about Winston. STOP KEEPING SECRETS. I still insist that the writers should have kept Sheri and Ani shouldn’t have existed.

Zach: Seriously, where the hell was Zach’s mom to check on her son? The whole season was basically “oh, look, Zach’s drunk!!” He was a hot mess and all his friends didn’t do shit to help him until the last minute. I know Winston manipulated him, but seriously, telling the enemy that you beat up Bryce?? Not cool, dude. And don’t get me started on that scene where they “implied” he was going to assault that drunk girl. Zach has flaws, sure, but he ISN’T a rapist, and neither is Clay (I’m talking about that weird scene where he hallucinates Bryce encouraging him to assault that girl at the frat house). The writers clearly didn’t give a fuck about Zach. Remember in s2 when he told his mom he had suicidal thoughts?? What happened to that?? I’m glad he came to his senses in the end, but he obviously needed help with his addiction.

Tyler: I felt bad for Tyler because his friends didn’t trust him, but I also sorta get it. He was acting hella shady and I get that the cops told him not to say anything, but... dude, you scared the living hell out of Clay with those guns at the end of s2, how are your friends not going to be suspicious? Like in 13RW fashion, his storyline got dragged for too long, but I think he was right when he called out Clay and Tony about their friendship. I liked his friendship with Estela, that was sweet. But overall Tyler didn’t get that much to do this season. I didn’t like how they made him feel bad about Monty. Monty raped him and belonged in jail, it isn’t Tyler’s fault someone decided to kill him.

Alex: GAY KING. The only character who didn’t annoy me this season (besides Charlie). Bryce and Monty apologists, how are you feeling?? My boy didn’t go to jail like y’all wanted it!! No “justice” for the rapists!! Beautiful, amazing, brilliant. In all seriousness, I wish his crush on Zach had been explained a bit more. I don’t think it came out of nowhere, but it would have been nice to spend more time with it. I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing with Winston, he was a Monty apologist so I didn’t want to see another one of my faves sleeping with a rape apologist, so I’m glad he found out the truth in time. Charlie and Alex were so cute together, I wanted him with Zach, but I can’t bring myself to complain because ALEX GOT A HAPPY ENDING, YAY!! He regretted killing Bryce, but it’s like Zach said “maybe he didn’t deserve to die, but NEITHER DO WE”, and he was right. Alex didn’t deserve to have his whole life ruined over a fucking rapist, so I’m glad he got happiness. I just wish his recovery arc after his suicide attempt had been done better, he’s the only character in the show who is a suicide survivor and they never focused on that. Shame, tbh.

Tony: I don’t have much to say about Tony. He was being hella stubborn about not going to college and staying in town, so I’m glad his dad knocked some sense into him. He got a happy ending and got to see his sister again, so that was nice. Tony always had to deal with so much crap, so I’m happy he ended up happy.

Winston: Now this dude didn’t annoy me as much as I thought he would, but... he was weird. He became obsessed with Monty after meeting him twice, and then obsessed with Alex after dating him for two weeks. What was his reason?? Why did he fall in love so quickly?? I thought we were going to get some backstory to explain his behavior, but we didn’t get shit, except that scene in the first episode with his mom where he seemed like some lonely rich kid. I’m glad he let go of Monty in the end and didn’t ruin Alex’s life, but other than making a bunch of passive-aggressive comments and staring at people, he didn’t do much. The trailer made him seem like some mastermind villain, and in the end... he wasn’t.

Diego: How are you going to spend the whole season calling Clay a psycho/crazy, when you’re out there pulling pranks, beating people up, and defending a rapist?? Check yourself first, Diego. He was so annoying with his “I miss Monty” crap, like how are you going to give a big speech about how great Monty was when Tyler, the guy he raped, was sitting right in front of you??!! I wish he had faced some consequences for all the shit he did to Clay, like “omg, you brought a knife!!, dude YOU left the knife in there. I’m glad he let things go in the end, but JFC, he was annoying. When Zach told him to suck his dick, I cheered so hard.

Justin: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HA. I’m laughing because I don’t wanna start crying again. Are the writers fucking serious?? After EVERYTHING they did with Justin, turning him into a better person, making him Clay’s brother, getting him back together with Jessica, EVERYTHING...and he dies?? And even before his death, they needed to torture him one last time and kill off his mom, have Clay and Jessica treat him like shit, and make him feel like nobody wanted him. Wow, what a brilliant idea. The series finale would have been perfect if they hadn’t killed off Justin. He deserved to graduate and live a long, happy life. I think the writers just wanted to have one final tragedy and controversial storyline, so they did this cruel and unnecessary crap. I’m disgusted, tbh.

Bryce and Monty: I’m so, so happy we got ZERO Bryce flashbacks and ZERO Monty flashbacks. FUCK these two rapists. I didn’t feel sorry for either of them, and I hope future shows do better and the humanizing of rapists stops. We already know rapists are human, they aren’t aliens who come from another planet, but the focus needs to be on the VICTIMS. I know they weren’t going to bring back Katherine Langford and Brandon Larracuente for a 5-second cameo, but hallucination!Justin should have been hanging out with Hannah and Jeff, not Bryce. Bryce wasn’t Justin’s brother, he treated him like shit and raped his girlfriend, and the whole “it’s okay to love people who do bad shit” is bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with hating rapists/abusers and bad people in general (like racists, homophobes, etc). Well, at least the two rapists are dead and can never hurt anyone again.

Say whatever you want about Hannah Baker, but this show suffered a HUGE loss when Katherine walked out of that door during her final scene.

They should have sent Bryce’s ass to jail at the end of s2, and the last two seasons should have been about ALL the character’s recoveries, with everyone getting proper characterization, good storylines, and focus on the friendships and family dynamics. The murder mystery and cover-up stuff ended up being really stupid and pointless. The writers prioritized shock value over proper storytelling, and that’s a shame because the cast is really talented, and the characters had the potential to be better than what they actually were.

Goodbye, 13 Reasons Why. I’ll check out the cast’s future projects, but the writers/producers can GTFO.

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purple-emo · 4 years

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Princess Lavinia: Chapter One

Description: Roman projects his feelings onto a fictional character. Things get out of hand.

Pairings: Platonic prinxiety has a lot of focus in this chapter, but the real pairing here is Roman x depression

Warnings: Suicide, suicidal ideation, dissociation(?)

Notes: Seriously, don’t read this if you’re not in the appropriate frame of mind to read about suicide. Also, first fic on the new blog! Yay!

Roman’s adventures with Princess Lavinia started off fairly innocent. He’d made himself a small kingdom in the mind palace in which to conduct magical adventures, and, with the other sides frequently too busy to join him in his exploits, it wasn’t long before Roman saw the need to create an adventuring companion as well. She was the archetypal fairytale princess: pretty, kind, and able to fill any role that the narrative required of her. Because she was created by Roman, Lavina lacked the capacity to do anything that Roman’s own imagination could not conceive, but, as the embodiment of creativity, he didn’t feel at all restricted by this limitation. Lavinia quickly became one of Roman’s favourite hobbies: when he needed a break from his work, he would excuse himself to his kingdom. There, he would act out a variety of stories with Lavinia: saving her from dragons; exploring ancient ruins with her; defending their kingdom from armies of hostile elves. The many enemies they slayed left no corpses behind, instead exploding into red rose petals. Death was messy, and Roman thought it best to avoid dealing with it too directly.

“You’re my best friend,” he had Lavinia say after one particularly eventful quest, “and I would slay all the monsters in the world with nothing but a hand fan just to keep you safe.”

“Oh, that’s good,” he replied, writing the line down in his notebook. His adventures with Lavinia were an excellent source of dialogue. Later, he had her do exactly the thing she had described, and then did it himself just to see what it was like. It was wonderful.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Gradually, Roman found himself spending more time with Lavinia than with the other sides or Thomas. He loved his friends, but his interactions with them didn’t quite sparkle the way his stories did. Nobody and nothing was dramatic enough, or emotional enough, or real enough, except for that one little piece of the mind palace and the make-believe Princess living in it. Everything else in Roman’s life felt unbearably boring, and although his friends made things a lot more tolerable, they could never compete with the products of his own imagination.

One afternoon, while they were enjoying a picnic after a successful battle, Lavinia turned to Roman with a frown. “Are you okay?” She asked. “Your heart didn’t really seem to be in it today.”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” He stared down at his untouched sandwich.

“It’s not nothing! You can talk to me about anything, Roman. That’s what I’m here for, I think.”

Roman sighed. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I guess the whole… fairytale adventure thing feels a bit hollow right now.” So does everything else, he nearly added. “I think right now I’d prefer something more…” he gestured vaguely, trying to find the right word.

“Mature?” Lavinia suggested.

“Maybe. I think what I want is emotional depth. Swordfights and dragons are fun, but I think I’m not really feeling it right now.”

“Hmmm…” Lavinia looked down and fidgeted with her hair, taking in this new information. After a few seconds, she met Roman’s eyes again, sorrow written clearly in her expression. “I’m cursed,” she announced. “Someone has taken my heart and locked it up in a faraway, secret place, so that I can never really be human again.”

Roman scribbled excitedly in his notebook, letting a wave of sorrow and pity wash over him. It felt beautiful. “That’s terrible. How can we break the curse?”

Lavinia stared at Roman in silence for a few seconds, and he suddenly felt as if she was looking directly into his soul. “I don’t think we can,” she said.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

For the next few weeks, Roman spent most of his time with Lavinia, fleshing out her backstory. He wrote it all down in his notebook for future reference: Lavinia’s villainous twin sister, exiled to a distant land for her crimes; her desperate desire to impress her father, the king—all of it was carefully summarized in neat, princely handwriting for incorporation in future creative projects. Roman felt genuinely passionate for the first time in a while. Meeting with Lavinia and learning more about her became the highlight of his day; the stab of sorrow he felt in his gut whenever she disclosed something particularly tragic was invigorating. It made him feel so much more alive than he had in weeks. And then—

“I shouldn’t be alive,” said Lavinia.

Roman had, on some level, seen it coming. After all, he was the one coming up with Lavinia’s lines, however passively. This did not prevent him from nearly dropping his notebook in shock. It hurt to hear her say that, and he loved it.

“Why?” He asked her.

“I’ve been thinking about the curse,” Lavinia explained, “and the more I think about it, the clearer it becomes that I was wrong. It wasn’t a curse at all; I had no heart to take because I was never real enough to have one. This body,” she ran a shaking hand along her arm, “people like to make up stories about it. They imagine that it is a princess, and that her name is Lavinia, and that she is kind and cheerful and brave,” Lavinia was crying, “but it’s a corpse, and I am a ghost who has stolen it.”

“What are you going to do now?” asked Roman. He noticed a small knife in Lavinia’s hand. How long had it been there?

“I don’t know,” Lavinia admitted, staring down at the knife. “Too many people think Lavinia is real. I don’t want to disappoint them.”

The knife quickly dissolved into rose petals, and Roman felt a strange sense of disappointment as he watched them slip through Lavinia’s fingers.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

It was three days before Lavinia went through with it. When she pressed the knife to her throat, Roman begged her not to do it. He didn’t mean it of course (the whole scenario was still his idea); he just felt like it would ruin the immersion for him to just stand around and do nothing. Inevitably, she cut her throat. Inevitably, Roman held her in his arms and watched blood flow from the wound with the detached voyeurism of an author writing a tragedy. Inevitably, she exploded into a shower of rose petals.

Roman stayed sitting on the floor for a while, blood on his clothes and rose petals in his hands. His heart was racing, and he felt like his whole body was soaked with sweat. That beautiful, overwhelming sword of pain was stabbing through his heart with an intensity he had never before felt. It was agonizing, and it was glorious.

Roman snapped his fingers, and Lavinia was back in front of him, unharmed.

She went for the knife immediately.

They went through the scenario five more times, trying out different lines, different actions on Roman’s part, different ways for Lavinia to hurt herself. Roman was preparing himself for another run-through when he felt himself being pulled out of the mind palace.

He rose up in his usual spot. “Roman—“ Thomas, who had evidently summoned him, cut himself off with a gasp. “Oh my gosh. Are you okay?”

Roman glanced around the room. Patton, Logan, and Virgil were all there in addition to Thomas, and all of them were staring at Roman with varying amounts of horror and concern. Roman abruptly remembered that he was covered in blood.

“Don’t worry,” he assured Thomas. “It’s not mine.”

Nobody looked particularly comforted by the clarification. “Do I want to know?” asked Thomas.

“Probably not. Anyway, what’s the situation?”

“Recently,” Logan explained, “Thomas has noticed that many of his ideas are much more melancholy in tone than usual. Remus swears that he isn’t the one responsible, so, logically, it must be due to your influence that Thomas is having these ideas.”

Panic filled Roman’s chest. “I’m sorry—“

Thomas cut him off. “I’m not mad. I’m totally fine with using darker concepts in my work if that’s what you think is best. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“You haven’t been talking as much lately,” Patton added, “and some of the concepts you’re giving Thomas are a bit… out of the ordinary for you.” He made eye contact, looking noticeably concerned. “We just want you to know that you can talk to us if there’s something wrong.”

Anguish returned to Roman’s chest, feeling more agonizing than cathartic. He’d failed. He’d let his feelings get in the way of his work, and now everyone thought there was something wrong, and they were all looking at him with those kind, worried expressions that he knew he didn’t deserve.

What would they think if they knew what he’d been doing all afternoon? Roman glanced down at the blood on his clothes and decided that everything was fine. It had to be.

Roman laughed, perhaps a bit too loudly. “Thank you all, but I’m fine, really. I just wanted to try some new ideas. On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love them?”

Virgil stared suspiciously at him from across the room. “Do your ‘new ideas’ involve you rising up covered in blood and looking like you just saw a serial killer? I saw the look on your face when Thomas summoned you. There’s something you’re not telling us.”

“I was having one of my adventures just now, and things got a little intense,” Roman said, his heart racing. “Not everything has some deep hidden meaning behind it, The Smell Jar.”

“That was childish, even for you,” said Virgil, “but I like the Sylvia Plath reference.”

“Ah, Sylvia Plath,” said Logan. “Did you know that, in addition to her writing, she also made visual art?”

Roman’s strange behaviour forgotten, the conversation moved on.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Over the next several weeks, Roman found himself with less and less motivation to do anything but run through stories with Lavinia. He told himself that he was still being productive—he continued to write things down in case they came in handy for a future creative project, even though his “adventures” in the kingdom were all far too violent and depressing to ever be turned into something useful for Thomas. Roman hardly ever wanted to tell stories about anything other than suicide. It was, of course, only a matter of time before things escalated further.

One day, after around the eighth time Lavinia had died, Roman realized that his usual routine was starting to get boring. That dazzling anguish in his chest was diminishing in intensity. He needed something more real, something more personal. He needed—

Roman snapped his fingers, and Lavinia appeared looking much more alert than she had in weeks.

“I want to die,” he told her.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

That day, Roman attempted suicide nine times. None of it was real, of course, but he did his best to make it feel real. Lavinia pulled him close, kept him back from the windowsill, repeated over and over again every reason Roman could think of for him to stay alive. He told himself it was only acting. By the third time, he felt as if he was on the verge of tearing in half: one part of him, his body made of shaking, warm metaphysical flesh, stayed with its feet planted firmly on the ground. The rest of him drifted in and out of sync with his body, bobbing and pulling up to the sky like a balloon tied to his wrist. At the time, it seemed overwhelmingly important to Roman that he find a way to cut the string: it was strange, being only halfway outside of his body. He would have greatly preferred to drift away entirely, to break into pieces and sail through the sky to places unknown.

He told himself it was only acting.

It was fairly late in the afternoon when Roman remembered his notebook. Head still spinning from the previous several hours, he reached into his pocket and found it empty. He’d forgotten the notebook. In its place, Roman summoned a slip of paper and a pen. He’d copy his notes down later.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

Roman headed back to his room a few minutes later. He still felt somewhat disconnected from his body, but the feeling was fading fast. He made an effort to notice the colours of things. White walls. Brown rug. Black shoes. Roman was still naming colours when he opened the door to his bedroom and saw Virgil pacing nervously around the room.

At the sound of the door opening, Virgil turned to look at him. His eyeshadow was smudged, and he looked like he’d been crying. He was holding his phone in one hand and Roman’s notebook in the other.

There was a long pause. Roman internally braced himself for yelling, or crying, or deeply awkward emotional conversation.

“You weren’t answering your phone,” Virgil said finally.

Roman gestured to his dresser, where his phone sat partially obscured by a small stack of loose paper. “I didn’t have it with me.” He watched Virgil quickly type something. “What are you doing?”

“I’m texting Patton. I was worried, so I asked him to go look for you.”

“Oh.” Roman suddenly felt very nervous. “I’m sorry. Does he know about…?”

“This?” Virgil held up the notebook. “No. I found it when I was in here looking for my nail polish.”

Roman walked over to a nearby drawer and produced a bottle of black nail polish with a little Jack Skellington face on its lid. He’d ‘borrowed’ it a few weeks prior for some now-abandoned photography project, and subsequently forgotten about it. “Here.” He handed it to Virgil.

“Thanks,” said Virgil, slipping the bottle into his hoodie pocket. “I’d remind you to stay out of my room, but it looks like we have more important things to worry about right now.”

There was another pause. “You probably want to talk about that, don’t you?” said Roman, gesturing to the notebook in Virgil’s hand.

“Yeah. Can we go somewhere else—I mean, if you’re comfortable—”

Roman waved a hand, and suddenly they were in the castle he’d created for Lavinia. The light of a full moon streamed through a floor length window, illuminating the antique-looking couch that was the centerpiece of the room. An archway opposite the window led out to a pristine, wallpapered hallway. “Is this good?”

“Yeah, thanks,” Virgil said nervously. He walked to one of the couches and sat down with strained formality. Roman quietly took a seat next to him. “So, um… first question: who’s Princess Lavinia?”

“She’s a character I created. This,” he gestured to the room around them, “is where she lives. I come here when I’m craving adventure.”

“So, she’s like an imaginary friend?”

“Basically. She’s upstairs, if you want to meet her.”

“I…” Virgil glanced down at the notebook. “No thanks. I want to talk to you. Second question: what’s the deal with this notebook?”

“That’s where I document my adventures with Lavinia, in case they come in handy for scriptwriting or something similar.

Virgil nodded. “Okay.” He took a deep breath. “I guess what I have to ask is… why all the suicide? Like, at least half of this notebook is just Princess Lavinia killing herself in different ways. That’s not exactly an ‘adventure.’ It sounds more like you’re having some kind of mental breakdown that you cope with by standing in an imaginary castle and watching a fictional character die over and over, which is honestly pretty concerning.”

“I am not having ‘some kind of mental breakdown,’” Roman insisted. “I am acting. What, am I not allowed to tell stories with emotional depth?” That last question came out a lot more aggressively than Roman had intended, but before he could apologize, Virgil was already responding.

“This isn’t emotional depth! This is the same emotion repeated over and over for, like, forty pages!” Virgil paused. “Is this what you were doing that day you showed up covered in blood?”

“Yeah. That was basically when it started.”

Virgil paused, taking in this information. “That was a month and a half ago,” he said, horrified.

Roman felt sweaty. “It’s not as bad as it sounds. You don’t need to worry—”

“Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?” snapped Virgil. “Of course I’m going to worry! I’m Anxiety, and you’ve been roleplaying suicide fantasies with your weird self-insert OC for—” he stood up and flipped frantically through the pages of the notebook. “Have you been doing this every day?”

Roman nodded, very much wishing he could escape the conversation.

Virgil swore quietly. “This explains so much.”

Roman stood up and awkwardly extended a hand to comfort him. “It’s really not that big of a deal.” He was suddenly aware of an inexplicable sense of urgency.

Virgil stepped backwards, avoiding Roman’s touch. “Not that big of a deal? Are you kidding me? You barely talk to anyone at all anymore, you give Thomas either weirdly depressing ideas or nothing at all, and you literally spend all your free time thinking about suicide. If you actually think you’re in any way okay, then you’re either deeply in denial or a complete idiot.”

“I’m not…” Roman trailed off. Somehow, he couldn’t think of a rebuttal. He went over the past few months in his mind and realized that Virgil was right. “I haven’t been myself,” he admitted, sinking back onto the couch. “I don’t think I’m even real, actually.” Roman buried his face in his hands, fighting back tears. He was suddenly very conscious of how exhausted he felt.

The room was silent for several long seconds.

“What do you mean?” asked Virgil.

Roman looked up, and saw that Virgil had quietly taken a seat next to him. What did Roman mean? Of course he wasn’t real—none of them were, but Roman’s words had meant something more than that. Looking at Virgil, he got an impression of existence that he hadn’t gotten from himself in a long time. Virgil was Virgil, in a way that Roman could never hope to be Roman. It occurred to him that perhaps he’d been projecting onto Lavinia a bit more than he’d realized.

“I’m supposed to be better than this,” said Roman. “I’m supposed to be Prince Roman, source of Thomas’ hopes and dreams. I’m supposed to be Creativity. I’m supposed to be kind, and charming, and brave, but I’m just…” he trailed off. “If I can’t give him anything to look forward to, what good am I? Why should I exist?”

Roman hadn’t expected himself to say that. “This is a problem,” he said through tears, “isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” said Virgil. They sat in silence for a moment before he spoke again. “Look, um… it might not mean much, because our situations are kind of different, but I used to think that I didn’t contribute anything useful, and that everyone would be better off without me, and that it wouldn’t matter if I removed myself from the equation. Do you remember what happened when I actually left?”

Roman stared thoughtfully at the carpet. “Thomas became a complete fool with no inhibitions.”

“Right! Because I was wrong, and so are you.”

Roman considered this for a moment. The words were so simple, and yet, somehow, Virgil’s reassurance felt so much more comforting than any of the things he’d had Lavinia say to talk him down. “That… actually helps a lot. Thank you.”

“Anytime.” Virgil crossed his arms thoughtfully. “We should probably tell Thomas to see a therapist or something. If you’re… like this, he probably isn’t doing great either, whether he realizes it or not.”

Roman nodded. “That’s probably a good idea. Just…” he hesitated, “can we keep this a secret? The things I just told you about, I mean.”

“Are you sure?” asked Virgil. “It seems like something he should know about.”

“I’m sure.” Roman felt a surge of panic. He couldn’t let the others know. He wasn’t quite able to explain to himself why, but it felt crucial that everything he and Virgil had discussed should remain between the two of them. “I don’t want to have that conversation yet. Besides, maybe therapy will fix it. If Thomas feels better, I’ll feel better, and then we won’t have to bring it up at all.”

Virgil looked doubtful, but nodded anyway. “Okay,” he said. “I won’t tell anyone, but I’m holding onto the notebook. If you ever seem like you aren’t safe, I’m not keeping this a secret.”

Fair enough. “Deal,” said Roman, holding out his hand to shake. Virgil started to reach for it, but paused.

“Wait,” said Virgil. “One more thing. Actually, two more things. Number one: I want us to stay here tonight, because I really don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone.”

Roman thought back to the day’s events, neatly recorded on the slip of paper concealed in his pocket. He had a feeling that if Virgil knew the exact details of what he’d been doing, he would be requesting a lot more than permission to supervise him for a single night.

“That’s probably a good idea,” Roman admitted. “What else?”

“This is more of an offer than a request, but,” Virgil nervously ran his fingers along a seam on his sleeve, “I could join you here sometimes, if you want. Just so you won’t be spending all day alone with your thoughts.”

Roman thought for a moment. “Are you open to the possibility of magical adventures?”

“Sure,” said Virgil. “But only real adventures; no weirdly-emotionally-intense-and-bordering-on-self-harm adventures.”

Roman had a feeling that he might regret this later, but he had a much stronger feeling that Virgil’s offer was exactly what he needed. “Perfect,” he said. They shook hands.

Virgil gave a small, relieved smile, which Roman returned. He wondered how long it had been since the last time he’d genuinely smiled. A few days? A week? A month?

They fell asleep on the couch, listening to the Death Note musical on Virgil’s phone.

#sanders sides #roman #ts roman #roman sanders #angst #fanfiction #cheryl writes stuff

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soulfireinc · 6 years

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So I finished DDS3

I shall be processing for many days but MY GOD. Overall, I loved. A lot. Spoilery fangirling and criticisms under the cut

- The opening scene: AH NOW that’s a bit mystical considering the tone of the show. I mean, it looks beautiful but come on. He should’ve been way more dead than that. Would’ve been better if he was just found by people who wanted to pay Daredevil back for all he’s done and who bring him to Father Lantom ‘cause they’re in his parish and know he’s sound. Him grabbing that randomer and giving instructions was a tad much, I thought. Also, why Lantom and not Claire when he’s super injured? Except of course that sweet baby Rosario is gone from Marflix.

- ELEKTRA NEEDED TO BE MENTIONED MORE. And generally I think a bit more specificity on survivor’s guilt ‘cause WHY was he the only one to be schlurped out the drain? Sure, Karen could be fine glossing over how he survived and got out ‘cause she refused to think he was dead, but Foggy should’ve asked more.

- Reunion with Foggy felt a bit rushed and forced to me. I think it needed more time for staring and holy-shit-you’re-alive-ing.

- MAGGIE J’ADORE

- LOVE that we had more over suicidal Matt discussions, that was needed

- Sweet baby Nadeem, you poor you. That Jack parallel at the end. My heart.

- THE HALLUCINATIONS YES YES YES SUCH FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS! Love Matt not idolising his dad as much and having him be back in the narrative. Felt he was really missing from S2.

- KAREN YOU ARE PERFECT AND NEED MORE HUGS IN YOUR LIFE DON’T YOU LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER

- Okay okay okay. People (Karen) needed to be more concerned about Ellison in the Bulletin fight. Like, is he dead? We don’t know, he’s treated like an extra til we see him in the hospital.

- IF YOU TOUCH MY FOGGY I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SPINE AND BEAT YOU WITH IT CRETIN

- Marci. J’adore.

- FISKING HELL WHAT A FISKING FISK THAT FISKED

- K I N G P I N

- BULLSE-EY-EY-EYE! Done so well, I loved. His therapist deserved so many awards

- As does Charlie Cox and Vincent D’Onofrio and Deborah Ann Woll cos WOW, just wow, so much wow

- Right, so. That confrontation at the end. Is it just me or was it OOC and a bit plot-device-writing-y for Fisk to just ... let Matt win? Sure, he’s hurt and dazed and came that close to being killed, but shouldn’t his reaction be to just grab a shard of chandelier and stab Matt? Especially when Matt just sits down and holds his head for a minute? Why didn’t Vanessa kill the man who almost killed her hubby? Sure, he saved her like eight times, but still. It was weirdly passive for Fisk to just kneel there for minutes when he could’ve killed the man who ruined everything. Who he’d tried to kill a bunch all season. For all he knew, he just killed Dex. Why not Matt? This might need a fix-it fic for me. It might’ve even been a more powerful moral victory for Matt to be physically hurt for choosing his own soul, considering the themes of ignoring his true self and physical deconstruction.

- Speaking of Matt’s vulnerability, I feel he needed more small wins, or a bit more space to grieve and be given physical affection at the end. Every single episode had at least one hit for him and yes, he beat Fisk and he got his friends back and has started to trust himself with them/them with him. These are all huge wins, but not huge enough to balance thirteen episodes of misery. His last paternal figure died right in front of him. He could’ve stopped it (he’ll think). They argued right before. The woman he trusted who saved his life lied to him every day for months and years. (Loved how that ended, but goddamnit he needed one fecking hug that lasted more than half a second)

- NEEDED MORE MATT HUGS

- NEEDED A KAREN HUG OR AT LEAST AFFECTIONATE HAND SQUEEZE AT THE BROTHER/WESLEY REVEAL MY GOD MATT I KNOW YOU’RE HURTING BUT JESUS SHE JUST LAID HER SOUL BARE FOR YOU AND ????? I know you’re emotionally constipated but honestly honey, you could’ve said something a lil more comforting. Like, jeez.

- Honestly, Dex. Triumph.

- MELVIN NOOOOOO?! Glad leaving him to be FEDified was addressed, but god, Matt. That’s not okay, you poor thing. I hope they can be friends again but Gladiator’s gonna have to happen first yay

- Ellison is underappreciated and I love him. That set up? #dadboss

- Matt should’ve been more hurt after Midland Circle. I’m glad we got so much whump, but I’d’ve killed for the angst of him lacking his independence. It would’ve added to his early arc so much to see him being helped to the bathroom or even better, to eat.

- FOGGY’S IRISH? HI FAM :D SLÁINTE!

- Damn Foggy’s suits were amazing. He looked fantastic. Also his jumpers.

- Everything about Karen My Hero Page. You did not kill your bother, sweet baby. Not really. *feels*

- Please please please let all that Vanessa stuff be gearing her up to be the Kingpin while Fisk’s away. I would be SO HERE for that

- The whump uwu

- TAMMY HATLEY listen here. I had to pause for a MINUTE to give out when she turned out to be dirty, I loved her SO MUCH and y’know what? She was just great, all around. What a character. A+

- No but really. Matt chose to die with Elektra. That needed to be brought up again. She needed to be there, whether only in mentions. Although hallucinating her when he was still severely injured in St Agnes would’ve been beautiful. Can you imagine the guilt? The love? The angst? I may need to fic that.

- I 100% need Madame Gao to come back. That cannot be her end.

- If that ends up being Elektra’s end I will need a refund. She deserved better. Kill her off to further the man pain and then don’t mention the man pain like what

- Father Lantom and Karen MY HEART!

- Matt. Sweet, precious baby Matt. I love you. You’re an idiot.

- That nasal bloodbath bit?? Perf. Dramatic, but perf.

- WHY COULD WE NOT GET MORE OF THE TAXI SCENE???? I know you don’t see Matt’s struggle in the comics but dang guys, adapt! I found that really disappointing. That’s not a scenario (near-drowning) that they’re likely to do again and I feel mildly cheated. May need to fic that too.

There is definitely more to say and my subconscious is already writing essays but for now I must go watch it again sleep

UPDATE HOW COULD I FORGET THE BULLETIN BULLSEYE FIGHT THAT WAS AMAZING AND MORE IMPORTANTLY THE WORRIED!KAREN AND THE H A N D H O L D I N G be still my shipper heart

#daredevil #season 3 #dd season 3 #matt murdock #karen page #foggy nelson #wilson fisk #bullseye #dex #s3

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mermaidsirennikita · 7 years

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Oh my goddd please do a review of 13 reasons why/ reasons why u hate it cuz I hate it too and I wanna have a salt party 💕

Okay, so I haven’t seen the whole thing because a) I read the book so I knew pretty early on when it would not be For Me and b) IT’S SO NOT GOOD. I have seen the suicide scene, because I felt like I couldn’t really critique that scene without at least attempting to see it. And I did watch it, but... not easily.

I should probably preface this by saying that hey! I do get to critique this from some level of experience, because I’ve been cutting (and scratching with the intent to self harm, but mostly cutting) since I was... 11? Haven’t for over a year tho, so yay! I’ve never attempted suicide, but I’ve thought about it a lot. (Not recently, though--so yay.) My shrink says my version of thinking about suicide is “passive”, but it’s just as problematic as active planning because it can lead to someone suddenly snapping and just going for it. So I’m not critiquing this show as someone who doesn’t have experience with the issues it discusses.

I don’t just hate Thirteen Reasons Why. I hate the media surrounding it. The way it’s marketed. The total and complete manner in which it missed the message of the book, which admittedly I read in high school (I think) and don’t remember well. I do remember that it didn’t seem like some mystery/thriller; it seemed to actually get the issue of teen suicide on some level, and I kind of hate that the author is promoting this series as if it’s true to the book, because nah bro. How much did Netflix pay you to do that?

There are understandable changes that have to be made, as the book is a much more insular story. But I remember in the book, the suicide method either wasn’t explicitly mentioned or wasn’t this huge fucking deal. It didn’t matter how she killed herself, just that she did. And I think this was??? the case, because I remember reading it as my... not in a good place self, and really wanting to know how she did it. I dismissed it as morbid fascination, but now I’m pretty sure it had to do with my romantic ideas regarding suicide. I loved the idea of being found by people because I just couldn’t handle the world, and being mourned, and like--I won’t lie, sometimes those thoughts still pop into my head, and shows like this do not help them.

Basically, this show pushes the idea that it was the cruel world! that left this girl with no other choice but suicide, and I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. I’m not going to be cute about this? I have sympathy with people who consider suicide, OBVIOUSLY. But it’s not a choice that I consider okay. I don’t think we should act like it’s alright~ for people to kill themselves because the world is hard, because YES I UNDERSTAND THIS AND THOSE THOUGHTS ARE NOT OUR FAULTS. But if we act like this kind of thinking is okay, it just encourages people (like me). I feel like it is DEEPLY important to emphasize that you have a choice, especially for teens. It’s so important to say that if you kill yourself, that’s your choice. That is a responsibility you take on. If people you love have your lives ruined? Yeah, that’s something you take on. That has kept me from really going for it in my darkest hours.

And this show just kind of like... Plays it off like all these other people were at fault for Hannah’s choice? She suffers, yes, but nobody makes her “goodbye cruel world” it all. This is SUCH a romantic view of suicide--your life is horrid and so you end it all~ because you are without a choice. And I’m not saying that this doesn’t have a place in fiction, but it needs to be handled with care and respect, and like, NOT MARKETED TO TEENS. It’s one thing for the main character in Sophie’s Choice to kill herself after surviving the Holocaust, for example; not saying it’s okay, but that’s not some high school drama being sold to teenagers as a mystery/thriller.

The manner in which this show is being sold in general bothers me. It’s like, let’s avenge the Beautiful Dead Girl and find out who killed her. Except it was her? And like, she’s super dead? She killed herself? How is this thrilling? Let me tell you, if I go and off myself tomorrow, there probably isn’t going to be some ~mysterious presence~ left behind. What’s probably going to happen is that my mom will want to and possibly try to kill herself, my siblings will be scarred forever, everyone who loves me will want to die for a bit, and everything I will have contributed to society in a positive way will be gone. I mean, can we not focus on that?

Plus--and this is something that you can chalk up to the book too--the entire idea of this male protagonist going to save the Beautiful Dead Girl from beyond the grave is so offensive to me? It’s like: self-fridging. The story.

But also, I really feel as if that suicide scene was... not necessary. You know she’s dead. You don’t have to show her sawing into her arms. You could even have a death scene without showing that. If it was triggering to me, it will be far more triggering to other people. My heart was racing during that scene. And ultimately, do I think it will deter kids from committing suicide? No. Because the overwhelming message of this story is like... She couldn’t help it. The choice was out of her hands, she had to do it.

There’s this preachiness to how the series is treated too--and I mentioned to another person who sent me an ask that it reminded me of how suicide was treated in Heathers. “Teenage Suicide--Don’t Do It!” basically. All of the fanfare about teenager suicide, to me, makes it more glamorous in a way to teenagers. I know we shouldn’t talk down to teens, but their brains are still developing? I mean, mine was back in the day--I wouldn’t have seen this show as I should have. I’ve heard of kids watching this and definitely not coming away with the idea of suicide being bad. Just like in Heathers, again--the bullied girl, rather than seeing suicide as bad, is attracted to the attention everyone gets from it and just decides that she too can’t handle the stresses of life and maybe it’s an answer for her as well. Yes, that was a satirical movie, but there’s some truth to that storyline.

It’s just so unnecessary, and I hate that it was made, and I kind of hate that I watched that scene because I think it was just me jeopardizing my mental health to make a point, and I highly advise that anyone who might be triggered by a suicide scene in general and suicide-by-wrist-cutting in particular doesn’t watch it.

I hope this was salty enough for you!

#tw: suicide #tw: cutting #tw: self harm #Anonymous

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thorias · 7 years

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Random thoughts watching Riverdale episode 5

We start with Cheryl descending the stairs of a gothic mansion carrying a big, old-timey candelabra and now I’m wondering what century this show is supposed to take place in. Does Riverdale exist in a time warp, is all the power out in Cheryl’s house or was this intended to be funny somehow? All I know is that if this was a joke, I wasn’t in on it.

Cheryl dreaming about Zombie!Jason while sleeping in her dead brother’s bed somehow makes this situation less weird. How did we get here?

Cheryl’s mom crumbles up the eulogy Cheryl was writing for Jason. Why are so many of the adults on this show complete assholes? Archie and Kevin seem to be the only ones with seemingly normal parents right now, though the jury’s out on Archie’s mysteriously absentee mom.

Archie is again standing shirtless in front of the window that looks into Betty’s bedroom. Him pretending to be an MMA fighter as he attacks a punching bag doesn’t make it any less obvious what he’s doing, except maybe to Archie himself.

I’m not sure how Archie hitting a punching bag is supposed to get him ready for football.

How is Archie in contention to be captain of the varsity football team? Isn’t he a sophomore? He only made varsity in the first place because Jason’s death left them with a spot to fill. I’m casting my vote for Reggie on this one. Reggie may be a dick, but the last thing Archie needs is more responsibility right now. I think he’s proven that he doesn’t handle it well.

I’m not sure how I feel about Archie’s dad potentially dating Veronica’s mom. It feels all wrong to the kid in me who read the comics, but I kind of want to see them go for it because the idea of Archie/Veronica as step-siblings is bizarrely fascinating to me.

Archie saying that he wants to focus on football and get his life back on track is one of the better ideas he’s had so far. So naturally, his resolve doesn’t even last until the end of the scene. Can we get this kid some ADD meds please?

Betty’s not wrong about Archie trying to avoid his feelings by avoiding music. Unfortunately, when Archie listens to his feelings, he tends to do really stupid things, so maybe she should have let him go with his gut on this one.

Somehow Veronica gets herself invited to a sleepover at Cheryl’s house. If they end up sleeping in Jason’s bed together, I’m switching to Game of Thrones for characters that are a little more normal.

So the guest list for Jason’s funeral is comprised of all the suspects in his murder? I’m both creeped out and impressed with the Blossoms’ ability to multi-task.

Polly’s attempted suicide being the reason her parents sent her away isn’t surprising. What is surprising is that Betty’s dad is actually willing to talk about it. This guy seems like a normal, well-adjusted parent. How exactly did he end up married to Alice?

Reggie telling Archie that he shouldn’t play with a busted hand is uncharacteristically thoughtful of Reggie even if it is self-serving. How did we reach a place where Mantle the Malignant is coming off like the reasonable one?

A self-depricating Archie who wants to punish himself for being an idiot is a step forward from the guy who was trying to romanticize his statutory rapist, but I’m not sure if he hasn’t just swapped out one set of problems for a new one.

Could they seriously not go one freaking episode without Archie having girl problems? The Grundy incident was a week ago and he’s already flirting with Valerie AND Veronica. Riverdale writers, could you at least TRY to make your main character not come off like a total man-whore?

Mr. Castillo listens to Archie’s songs and because they’re “juvenile” (god forbid, since they were written by a 15-year-old) he thinks he can’t help Archie. How does someone who gives up on students so quickly become a teacher?

Cheryl’s parents are remarkably unsympathetic for a couple mourning the death of their son. Am I supposed to feel sorry for them or just pity them for being such contemptible jerks? At least this gives Cheryl and Veronica something to bond over.

Before Hermione opened that box, I was afraid there was a decapitated head in there like Gwyneth Paltrow in Seven. Ironically, the snake was more surprising. That’s the kind of town this is.

Cheryl says her parents will kill her if she eulogizes Jason against their wishes. I strongly suspect she’s being literal. And I actually think they would do it.

If Jughead is homeless, where did he get a suit?

Cheryl’s mom caresses Archie’s hair because he looks so much like Jason. FFS, is there a single woman in this town that is not obsessed with this guy for one reason or another? At least Archie had the good sense to be creeped out this time, so maybe he’s finally learning something.

Cheryl is wearing the same outfit she had on the day Jason went missing. What a brilliant way to passive-aggresivley undermine the parents she just said were going to kill her.

This show has been playing with so many horror movie tropes already that Cheryl’s crazy wheelchair-bound grandma doesn’t seem as out of place as one might think.

Jason and Polly were engaged? Please don’t tell me that Alice rushed Polly out of town so she could get an abortion. Polly sounds like she’s got enough on her plate already without adding a dead baby to the mix.

Cheryl’s mom threatens her daughter with European boarding school if any of them would have her just because Cheryl said some nice things about her dead brother at his funeral. This bitch just surpassed Alice Cooper on the Evil Parent scale and I didn’t think that was possible. This is how slasher villains get started. On the plus side, Cheryl is making a lot more sense to me now that I’ve met the demonic harpy that’s raising her.

Both of Betty’s parents seem hell bent on making sure Betty has ZERO contact with Polly until Polly “isn’t sick anymore.” There’s got to be more to this and I don’t think a story about one great grandpa murdering another covers it. Part of me wonders if the answer to all this is going to be something completely batshit like... Polly isn’t real, but actually another personality in Betty’s head or something. But that’s not possible. I mean, people would know, right? Unless the whole town has been sworn to secrecy in order to protect Betty’s fragile mental state, lest she learn the truth, lose her mind and climb to the top of a clock tower with a high powered rifle.

The coach names Archie captain of the football team despite him only being a sophomore and most of the tryouts involving him screwing up and forgetting plays. I’m confused.

Archie actually does the smart thing and turns the offer down so he doesn’t have to burn candles at both ends. Archie ‘the spoiler’ Andrews making a wise decision? This is still Riverdale I’m watching, right?

Betty’s dad stole the sheriff’s murder wall. He was actually one of my earliest suspects in Jason’s death. I doubt they’d reveal it this soon, so he’s probably a red herring, but I’m annoyed that it only took one episode for Betty to go from having one insane parent to having two of them.

Archie is still the least interesting character on this show, but now that Grundy isn’t around to complicate things, he managed to go a whole episode without doing anything incredibly stupid or making one terrible decision or another, so yay, progress.

#cheryl blossom #betty cooper #archie andrews #1x05 #heart of darkness #riverdale

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