#had the idea for this since like. last september I think. but couldnt find the brain for it until dunmeshi | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

painfog · 4 years

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Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

#and like i said ill post a more complete version at some point when i have time and my laptop #but dw that one ill be able to put under a cut #asks #long post #top surgery #fibromyalgia #is there a tag for chronically ill trans ppl?? i feel like there should be the venn diagram is pretty chunky #medical //#also its 2am as im writinf this lmao sorry if it doesnt make sense

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wildcherrylime-art · 4 years

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i wanted to talk about my process for inktober a bit, both because i fully expected not to finish and because its pretty different from the normal content of this blog. since i dont usually post text on here, it’ll be under a readmore

finishing any kind of inktober was absolutely not something that i ever expected to be able to do. beyond that, i didn’t expect that it would be so relatively effortless -- there was never really a day where i was rushing to finish or when i came home very late and had forgotten about it. the last day was the hardest, honestly, because between my lecture and helping a friend construct her costume and putting on my costume/makeup and my program’s halloween party i only had about 3 free hours to do it. i skipped lunch with some new friends to go home and eat something quickly and finish it.

of course, i did break some rules. the first four days were done in september, and the next 4 were done in october but earlier than when they were posted. after that i did nearly all of them the day they were posted, except for one or two when i could tell that was going to be out of the house for 14+ hours and just wouldn’t have time to do it. while the idea of “drawing every day” is nice and certainly possible sometimes, moreso for some people than others, its impractical at best when applied to real life (at least if you live the kind of life that i do).

i had a relatively long list of goals for inktober, which i think personally helped keep me on track, only because it kept the focus so narrow.

choose an inktober prompt list that is fandom-specific to work on character consistency. i tend to draw the same characters over and over but they generally dont have an extremely consistent look. i considered both borderlands and the dark crystal inktober prompt lists but both of those have complex character designs, so moomin it was.

pick a brush and a program and stick with it. i didn’t buy painter 2019 until i had already drawn the first few prompts so i used painter essentials 6 the whole time because i couldnt find a brush in 19 that looked similar enough. the brush was “thick and thin pencil.”

lineart only. no bg color and no large blocks of color that i couldnt lay down with the brush size 7.0-9.0

backgrounds for at least some of the art. this dropped off towards the end of the month because my lectures started and my friends came back from their vacations, leaving me with less free time every day to develop and test out scenes before committing to the final version

do not try and make every piece the best you can. i wasn’t looking to create my best work every day and it was absolutely not a goal right from the start. i wanted art i could plan and execute in 30-40 minutes a day. i wasn’t trying to challenge myself artistically every day, because the act of finishing inktober was the challenge in and of itself. the only other inktober i’ve posted on here was heavily character design-focused and tbh i wasn’t experienced enough at that to do a whole month successfully. i’d like to work on character design more in the future, along with more animal and creature studies.

if i miss a day or purposefully decide that i didn’t want to do it that day, stop and don’t try to make up what didn’t get done. i’ve tried inktober before and usually before the end of the first week (even if i worked ahead) it became something i dread thinking about. this time, i tried to have no expectations about how far i would get or how much i would like each piece. i had a personal goal that wasn’t the last prompt and every piece done after that was just a bonus. if i hit a day that i didn’t want to work on inktober, i would pack up the whole thing and just stop for this year. there were some days where i really didnt want to do it (the 31st was probably the hardest day to do, like i said) but at that point it felt kind of ridiculous not to finish lol.

i’m not saying this is a good process for everyone, or even a good process in general, but its what got me through my first finished inktober and that’s what was important to me. ive been feeling more comfortable and confident and like myself lately, especially now that i’ve finished this. it makes me wonder what other things im capable of that i have so far always set off for some vague future date when i was “ready” to do them.

interestingly enough, i was playing my oldest stardew valley save (late summer, year 3) this week when i realized that i had a shed completely full of unused supplies -- unprocessed ores, cooking ingredients, 1000s of wood and stone, harvested fruit i never made into wine, the list goes on. i had all these goals for stardew. i wanted to buy the expensive endgame items, get my fourth candle, start breeding slimes, win the alien rarecrow at the casino, expand my farm and finally fill the whole greenhouse with fruit trees and premium crops, ship every item. i’d had everything i needed to do these things, or at least start really working towards them, but i wasn’t using them because i thought i needed to prepare more, that one day i’d have achieved my goals because i was ready to.

i want to feel confident in myself and my skills again. the last few years have made it hard, both because things were hard and i was in dysfunctional situations and because my increasing doubts in myself made me uncertain and hesitant and that ruined opportunities that i had. im ready to do things ive been putting off and hopefully you, dear reader, will see those things on my blog in short order.

#charlie chats

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thearrangment-phff · 5 years

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LXV.

September 2018

“Archduchess Isabella and Prince Harry have been in Switzerland since the beginning of the month with The Duchess of Sussex’ family. The two were spotted at the wedding of Archduke Franz Ludwig to Mathilde Vignon. Archduke Franz Ludwig is a first cousin of The Duchess. A vast number of Habsburg and Bourbon royals were also in attendance.”

“King Philippe and Queen Mathilde of Belgium along with the Grand Ducal couple of Luxembourg, Hereditary Prince Alois and Princess Sofie of Liechtenstein will attend the Heads of State of German-speaking countries get together in Switzerland. Many believe that Archduchess Isabella will attend as a guest of her uncle and aunt, the Grand Duke and Duchess of Luxembourg.”

“The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are expected to stay in Switzerland until the mass to commemorate the 25th anniversary of King Baudouin of the Belgians’ death in Brussels. The Belgian royal court confirmed The Duke and Duchess of Sussex would be attending. King Baudouin was the great-uncle of Archduchess Isabella and his wife, Queen Fabiola of the Belgians was her godmother. Archduchess Isabella’s eldest son The Earl of Ross who was born earlier this year carries the name Baudouin in honor of his great-grand-uncle, the former Belgian King.”

“Where is your father?” asked Yolande to Isabella.

“I have no idea,” answered Isabella.

“I’ll go find him,” said Marie Astrid as she left the room to find her husband.

“Are we going to be late?” asked Harry.

“I don’t think so. My grandmother made us all get ready an hour earlier than everyone else,” replied Isabella.

“So we’ll be early?”

“Yes.”

“Belle, darling, can you help me stand up?” asked Yolande. Isabella went to her grandmother extending her hand. The elder women leaned on Isabella’s hand and got up. She walked towards Harry and patted his chest because that’s how far she could reach, “How are you?”

“Uh... fine,” answered Harry.

“While Charlie and Bertie are a dream, I only have 15 great-grandchildren with Kathy, Luisa, and Marie Christine’s children coming soon. When are you and Belle going to give me more great-grandchildren?”

“Wait. Did you just say, Luisa? She’s expecting?!” asked Isabella.

“Did you not know?” asked Yolande.

“No! I didn’t. How far along is she?”

“6 weeks possibly, maybe 8. I can’t remember Belle! I’m an old ask your mother.”

“How many people knew before I did?” asked Isabella.

“Well, obviously Luisa and Alex, me and your parents. The royal house is going to make an announcement soon,” answered Yolande.

“Will the baby be in line for the Belgian throne then?” asked Harry.

“Yes! All descendants of Albert are in the line. Since Alexander and Luisa got permission to marry from the king and government her children are the only ones in line. Remember Amedeo didn’t get permission to marry Elisabetta,” explained Yolande.

“I can’t believe he is finally having a baby. Everyone finally has a family of their own,” smiled Isabella.

Before anyone else could say anything Isabella’s aunt and her family came in. The Liechtenstein family of five said hello to Yolande, Isabella, and Harry as soon as they entered the room.

“How are you?” asked Margaretha to Yolande.

“Wonderful! 2 new babies, with Kathleen due soon and Christine in December. It’s all so wonderful. Alex and Luisa are also expecting so it’s all very exciting,” beamed Yolande.

“Yes, all very exciting. If only mine could give me some grandchildren,” joked Margaretha and her children all seemed to roll their eyes at the same time.

“I don’t think we were supposed to say anything about Alex and Luisa Mamie,” interjected Isabella.

“We’re family,” spoke Marie Astrid, Isabella’s cousin.

“I think he wanted to tell us all together, another time. Probably when we’re all in France at the end of the month,” added Josef-Emanuel.

“Josef is right. We can’t mention this to Alex. It’s his and Luisa’s special moment,” nodded Isabella

“So lets me get this right. Kathleen in October, Marie Christine in December, and Alexander in spring? Of course, Charlie and Bertie were born 4 months ago... that’s a lot of kids born in a short time,” said Harry.

“It’s the joys of growing up in a large family. You can all have kids around the same time,” smiled Marie Astrid.

“We better get going,” interrupted Nikolaus, Isabella’s uncle by marriage.

“Are you coming with us?” asked Margaretha.

“Not yet. Marie Astrid went to go find my son. Once they come back, we’ll go.”

“Well, we’ll see you at the church then,” smiled Margaretha. One by one, the Liechtenstein family said bye to everyone with kisses on the cheek and half-done hugs.

It took a couple of seconds until Harry asked a question, “Where are the rest of your brothers and sisters?”

“Marie Christine, Imre, Christoph, and Gabriella don’t really go to these things. They prefer to stay out of the view of cameras. Usually, Alexander does too but since he married Luisa he’ll have to be more in the spotlight. He’s here, he’s just with her and the Austria-Este family,” answered Isabella.

“Why didn’t more people come?” asked Harry.

“Many people did but some of them have real jobs and not ones were in ‘work’ for an hour a week.”

“That felt like an insult.”

“Not an insult. Just stating facts,” replied Isabella.

“Belle!” Isabella turned around to find Charlotte walking steadily towards her with the rest of her family behind her.

“Charlotte! Hi!” Charlotte towered over Isabella when giving her a hug, “Ferdinand?”

“Hi Belle.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I invited him,” answered Charlotte.

“Yes. I got that, but... are you two a thing?”

“Well... yes. It hasn’t been long,” answered Charlotte.

“And you invited him here?” asked Isabella.

“Ferdinand means a lot to me so I thought inviting him to this would show that.”

“Charlotte, I’m not judging you. I would be the last person to do so. Ferdinand is family and you are as well. It was simply a surprise that’s all,” replied Isabella.

Isabella’s parents Carl Christian and Marie Astrid finally entered the room, “He couldn’t find his tie anywhere.”

“Tie? You are making us late over a tie?” asked Yolande.

“The king gave it to me. I wanted to wear it today,” answered Carl Christian.

“We should get going. We don’t want to be late,” said Yolande earning nods from around the room.

The car ride was short from the castle to the church. Yolande, Harry, Isabella, Marie Astrid, and Carl Christian had ridden in one car while Guillaume, Sibilla, Charlotte, Leopold, and Paul Louis in the other. When they got out of the car, Harry could swear the screams got louder. There was that thought again. The one about how Isabella changed his life once they married. Years ago, would he have imagined himself at a Catholic church in Brussels paying his respects to a dead Belgian King surrounded by the Belgian, Luxembourgish, and Liechtenstein royal families? Of course not.

Harry was now on friendly terms with the Belgian king and Luxembourgish Grand Duke since the beginning of his marriage. King Philippe was a godfather to his son, Isabella was a godmother to the king’s youngest daughter. Queen Fabiola was godmother to Isabella. The ties were never going away and they were all Harry’s. He had spent years in the shadow of his elder brother seeing how William was the future king and Harry was the spare. But things had changed, Isabella had changed him.

Isabella smiled back at the crowd but no waving because she saw that as disrespectful at an event like this. Harry looked back at the crowd for a couple of seconds before turning back to Isabella and her family. Liechtenstein, Austria, and Luxembourg all within a couple of feet of him.

“Harry, come on. We have to go find our seats,” said Isabella with Charlotte by her side.

Harry took one last look and went inside. The service lasted about an hour and a half. The Royal Family and the other guests gathered at the Royal Crypt where all the former Kings and Queens of the Belgians who have passed away are buried. The King and Queen laid a wreath at the grave of King Baudouin and Queen Fabiola. Isabella let out a single tear when she saw the picture of her great-aunt and great-uncle on their tomb.

“Are you okay?” asked Harry.

“Yes. It’s just that I wished they both lived a little longer, that’s all.”

They met with the public in which Harry and Isabella were paired next to King Philippe and Queen Mathilde. Grand Duke Henri and Prince Louis left immediately after laying the wreath so they could get back to Luxembourg. There were a lot of questions from the public to Harry and Isabella since their sons were 4 months old now.

“Your Imperial Highness, how does it feel to be back in Belgium?”

“Wonderful. Belgium has always felt like another home to me.”

“Prince Harry! How are the twins?!”

“They are strong. Big boys thanks to their mother,” joked Harry.

“Your Majesty how does it feel to be godfather to the Earl of Ross?!”

“Very honored. Belle is godmother to my Eleonore and being godfather to Charlie is a blessing.”

Of course after everything the press went wild with their stories. The ones who annoyed Isabella the most were saying that she and Harry didn’t belong in Belgium and William and Kate should have been there instead.

“They are my family! Mine! I had every right to be there!” yelled Isabella.

“Of course you do Belle-”

“Those stupid little nothings make money off of my name. I have the ties to Europe, not Harry!”

“Exactly why-”

“No! God, I am sick and tired of them saying that I married the 6th in line! I brought back royalty to this family. Me! Nothing but a bunch of ungrateful people who would rather have commoners as their king than gods” ranted Isabella.

“That is enough Isabella! Quiet down before you say else something you’ll regret,” warned Harry.

“These are the times I regret marrying you! You and your peasant family have been nothing but a thorn in my side,” argued Isabella.

Princess Charlotte of Murat took this opportunity to slap Isabella across the face, “Your husband is right. While you gave him blood, he gave you validity. You would be good to remember that.”

Princess Christine, Countess Gaelle, and Countess Olympia were left speechless. Gaelle was the first to act by putting her arm around Isabella, “I think it’s time for prayer-”

“No! I will not be praying to some stupid imaginary thing I don’t believe in. Not anymore!” yelled Isabella.

“What she needs is a drink,” interrupted Olympia.

“No. She will have no more alcohol. I don’t want that,” said Harry.

“I won’t be going back to London or Balmoral with you.”

“Where do you think you’ll go?” asked Harry.

“Zeno’s christening is at the end of the month. I’ll be at Berg castle with my family until then. We were supposed to go to France with my family after that and I’ll be right with them,” answered Isabella.

“You will not do that Isabella. You have spent too much time outside of London. You haven’t been doing anything but seeking refugee with your family since Charlie and Bertie were born. You need to do more.”

“Maybe I should just divorce you now and end my misery before I hang myself in our children’s room,” threatened Isabella.

“You will do no such thing!” yelled Charlotte as she went to Isabella and grabbed her face, “You are a stupid little girl and I will be damned if I let you ruin everything.”

“Charlotte let her go!” yelled Christine.

Charlotte continued her hold on Isabella’s face, “You will do what all your betters have done before you. You will give birth to all the little royal babies your body will handle and die in this marriage. Do you understand me?”

Isabella ripped her face out of Charlotte’s grasp, “You were nothing before me. I gave you importance so don’t talk to me like you better. You married for a title, you married for money, but I was not an impoverish countess, I am an Archduchess of Austria.”

“I’ve had enough of this. I am going back to London and I have engagements in the Netherlands in a week. I would hope that you would come but at this point, I would rather you not. I’m taking the boys back with me to London,” explained Harry.

“The boys need me. I am their mother,” argued Isabella.

“You aren’t breastfeeding them anymore. They don’t need you and besides you rarely ever took take them, Gaelle and Olympia did.” Harry walked away and Isabella grabbed the nearest thing and threw it in his direction. The glass shattered on the wall near his face and he flinched, “Did you really just do that? You are unbelievable Isabella!”

#PHFF #prince harry fanfiction #prince harry fanfic #royal fanfiction #royal fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic

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gracedandelioninkmind · 5 years

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Since it's pride month

For most of my time at school betweeb last september and febrary I had a crush on this girl. And you see Id been working through how feelings and sexuality work for me ever since the end of high school, because id been realizing that id never been actively interested in kissing or anything intimate with anyone. Id had plenty of what I call Sparks of Interests, where I just enjoyed looking at someone, talking to them, but more and in a different way than normally for friends. But all of those Interests were towards guys. I loved talling to my friends about guys and hypotheticals about them. I always envisioned myself in a man and woman couple and I loved that opposites pairing in every romance. But I wouldnt say that the ppssibility that I could be interested in girls hadnt crossed my mind. It didnt when I was little, and it didnt in middle school when I told girls that I didnt like boys, because they were stupid, and someoen asked if I was a lesbian. But in high school there was this awesome chick that transferred into our school. I woulsnt say I was overtly attracted to her, I certainly never had any fantasies about her, but I just thought she was so cool and I definitely wanted her to like me and to be friends eith her. Her twin brother was cool too. Oh oh and dont let me forget that one year I was apart of the schools journalism program and some of us were sitting around the classroom and I suddenly giggled at something I was reading, and this one nice tomboy girl was like omygod was that you that was the most adorable sound. I was so flustered, i will never forget that compliment.

But still i was straight. I fantasized about m/f relationships, not necessarily involving me because I cant often envision myself eith just anyone. I just think that romance is fascinating and enthralling and sometimes lots of things can be interesting.

And then I was reading a fanfic, and the girl was asexual, and Id been thinking about asexuality as an explanation for why I just didnt think i wanted to be sexual with anyone id ever met. But it didnt feel quite right because I know i mustve felt some attraction to some guys before, and definitely felt attraction to actors and such.

And then my friend gave me the term Gray Asexuality to research. Have you ever been putting together a puzzle and u put a piece in place, and it looks right and the picture doesnt seem to be wrong--but then you find another piece that looks so similar and you try it instead and it fits so much better, not loose or jammed. That was my feeling finding out that there was this complexity to sexuality and romance to explain why things just always feel so subtle for me. To explain why I can crave love but I really very often find that the very idea of kissing and sex is just awkward and weird to imagine for myself. It explained part of why my one week relationship fell through. Id had a crush on the guy since first meeting him at the start if the school year, and i had been so excited when he asked me out, and it was fun to hold hands and hug. But i hadnt wanted to kiss him, and it had bene so annoying when my friend told me i should kiss him, even just on the cheek. It just hadnt felt like there was a very big difference between my friendship with him and dating him.

So i got to thinking over all of my feelings towards all sorts of people. And if my sexuality and attraction was as rare and subdued as all that towards men, then I felt that maybe I hadnt wuite recognized any feelings id had towards girls.

And after discovering the asexual spectrum, i finally had some very interesting dreams, the likes of which id never had before turning 18 let me tell you. And they didnt only focus on men anymore.

And then i was in my second year at college, and i hadnt had many more dreams, and i hadnt found any real crushes my first year. But my second year i started working at the library, and one day this cute asian girl came through with a polite hello as she passed the front desk where i sat politely greeting everyone for my first week. I found myself memorizing her immediately. I would hope to catch her eye, catch a hello, a goodbye. I found myself glancing over to ehere she sat if she was in sight. And when she came to check out dvds i memorized her name immediately, all the more because id seen it on a study desk while doing rounds. See i hadnt knoem that if someone leaves something at their desk ee leave it alonenso id taken the open umbrella doem to the front desk and asked my coworkers and they said to put it back so i remembered the namr on the desk and returned it. So when i saw this cute girls name and recognized it from that desk, it almsot felt like fate. But that was silly. And i only thought she seemed nice and she was cute. That was all.

But then i was trying to capture her likeness on paper, ehich didnt go well those first few sketches because i hadnt gotten any good looks at her face. And after finding out her name I suddenly heard it cropping up elsewhere, and i was talking to my friends about her. My friends did not agree that i wasnt crushing. I insisted that i just wanted to get to know her was all. And then one day at lunch a new friend id made in class invited me to sit with her and her friends, and she mentioned an Eliza. Boy the anticipation, the excitement, the shy feelings, and the satisfaction when the very same girl sat with us.

Then that same friend invited me to a movie night at her dorm lounge with her friends, and when i asked who all would be there, anyone i know, she said maybe. I wondered to myself if She would be there. When i got into the dorm, lost and unfamiliar with the halls, waiting for my friend to come find me, I suddenly heard teo voices from upstairs. I knew one was my new friend, and with joy i recognized the other as Her. As it turned out She was the only other friend to join us. We 3 spent the night watching black panther and history of japan, getting to know each other, and I painted Her nails. It was different touching her hands then itd ever been with another girl. I found myself hoping for something. I hoped at least that she would like me as a person and wed be friends.

Every interaction after was a treasure for me. Moments we happened to be alone, when she offered to keep me company at lonely meals, when we had a big kdrama hangout and she did my hair, etc etc.

I had to acknowledge that it was crush of course. I told my closest friends about it.

And one day this crazy thing happened. I was sitting with Her and our friend and the two of us apart from Her were discussing dating apps and whatnot. And She asked why was i even concerned eith that stuff anyways. Id been thinking by then that she might be aspec because she never threw in her oen teo cents about interest in relationships whrn we discussed these things. I explained that i just wanted to try dating. I hadnt ever been on a real date.

While our friend was continuing with another topic, i heard Her say that She could take me on a date. My mind caught on it, but the topic had changed, and I felt that it couldnt have been serious. And so i gushed and whined about it to my friends. But the next day I brought it up as a joke with our group of friends, and she acknowledged that shed said it. Our friends supported it, because why not. Theres such a thing as a friendly joke date. I kind of messed it up i think though because when it was jsut us parting ways after brunch, she said she was going downtown, and i said That couldve been our date. And she agreed and invited me along. I wish id been dressed cuter. But it was fine, and it was a nice enough date, though i dont think she had any experience or interedt in how dates usually worked--it wasnt a serious date anyways, so i wouldnt get my hopes up. I wouldnt be invested. But wr passed a friend of hers, another cute girl maybe smaller than me, and She told her that we were on a date. That felt significant.

The next day i brought up that wed gone on the date to my group of friends, with Her sitting next to me. And she became so awkward, and after my friends congratulated us, she told me It wasnt a real date. On the outside i played it off casually saying Listen do you know how excited friends get about dates let me have this. On the inside i was so disappointed and heartbroken and a bit defensively angry with her. I announced to the table that she wasnt to make sure everyone knew it wasnt a real date. What i was really saying was hey friends she just crushed my heart.

But we were still friends. And after a while i got okay again. She hadnt even noticed anything had gone wrong.

At some point I told that first mutual friend about my crush on Her. Id been withholding eho my crush was on from her for a while and she hadnt even guessed Her. But when I told her she said everything made sense.

And then she set us up for a valentines day date. I couldnt believe it. She jsut randomly messaged me Would u want Her to be ur valentines date. And i was like Id appreciate any date tbh but yeah id like to go on a date with Her. And apparently She just agreed. I couldnt tell you why she did any of the things she did. But i can tell you that thru some conversations it became clear that my hypothesis was likely accurate. She didnt understand dates, she didnt see the difference beteren friend date and real date. This was just this nice outing with a friend. Part of me was okay with that, because i did simply enjoy Her. But another part of me felt unfulfilled and sad. But we had a nice date anyways. I learned even mroe about her and she made me this oittle clay blueberry because i would sometimes just pick out a blueberry at the dining hall and admire its beauty. It was a very nice date and i got to dress up cute for someone. I didnt let myself hope for much.

And then i was talking to more of our mutual friends about crushing on Her, and someone told me that shed asked Her out before and that her response had been something along the lines of not being interested like that. We all agreed that She likely just doesnt have any interest in romance or whatnot.

And so i began burying it away. My mourning period passed. She graduated, and its all over. My first ever crush on a non-man. It had been nice.

Btw her ringtone in my phone was Mindy Gledhill's I Do Adore.

#gray asexual #personal experience #asexual spectrum #bisexual #pansexual

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friendlyfaceseverywhere-sp-blog · 6 years

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Chapter 1: Party At Cartman’s

The last week of August and the end of summer had finally came to South Park. Stan’s Marsh phone alarm played a nice, peaceful and relaxing tune, which was the opposite of what his mornings looked like, but the volume was high enough to wake him up. Stan opened his eyes and was about to press the snooze button, thinking five more minutes of sleep wouldnt disturb his routine, but stopped when He saw there was a message from his best friend Kyle Broflovski. He opened the chat and read “Ready for another year of torture?”

Stan laugh. “And do we have a choice?” was his reply, knowing Kyle would probably chuckle like He did on the other side. He gave up sleeping five more minutes longer and stood up, walking towards the bathroom to wash his face, but was abruptly pushed before He could enter by the stupid She-Ogre He knew as his older sister. Shelly would just return to the college campus for classes in september and Stan couldnt avoid thinking if it was about time for her to go away. Have her home some weekends was bad... But everyday was almost too much to bear.

- God dammit Shelly! Do you have to do this everyday? – Stan shouted from outside the bathroom, knocking on the locked door. His sister had grew a lot. She didnt used braces anymore and had gave a update to her looks, at least the possible, but her bad attitude had stayed the same. Shelly opened the door, almost hitting Stan’s face with it, to respond.

- Shut up Turd! I’m going out! – and she closed it again almost breaking it. The noise made Stan’s mom, Sharon, soon appear to ask what was going on, but the boy Just sighed and went back to his room. He packed his school stuff and changed his clothes while waited for Shelly to come out of the bathroom.

He placed his jacket, a The Who shirt, clean jeans and his red converse Chuckies above his bed. He opened the drawer e there it was, carefully stored, his trade Mark: The red poof Ball hat. He throw the little thing with the others at the same moment He saw Shelly passing irritated through the hallway while his mother followed her screaming. Finally He could use the bathroom.

�� About twenty minutes later, Stan got to the bus stop, not the same one He and his friends used to hang when they were kids, despite being practically the same thing. All sights in South Park looked alike. When He got there, Kenny and Cartman were laughing, while Kyle had his arms crossed glaring at the other two. – Hey guys. – Stan Said smiling to Kyle, who Just sigh and got closer to his Best friend.

- Hey dude... – Kyle seemed frustrated and Stan knew the reason. He knew why his other two friends were laughing their guts out and it was the same reson that placed that expression on Kyle’s face.

A week ago, to celebrate summer’s ending, Cartman threw a huge party for everyone in class on his basement. Eric Cartman’s basement had always been the Best place for such stuff... It was big, had an extra bathroom and Liane, his mom, never seemed bothered with all the shit they’ve done down there. The whole sophomore class appeared, Kenny had got the booze and the pot with his contacts and everything was going as planned.

Stan and Kyle were sitting in the staircase that lead to the basement waiting for Wendy Testaburguer, Stan’s girlfriend, arrive. The Black-haired boy was anxious, since she had spent most of her Summer travelling with her parents. Kenny, Cartman and the others that had arrived already, were downstairs having fun. Watching this, Kyle seemed nervous about something.

- Youre gonna try tonight Kyle? – Stanley asked with a smirk on his face as Kyle turned to him widening his eyes for a second.

- Uh? I dont know what youre talking about...

- The pot dude... I’m asking if youre gonna try it. You Said your parents would be out tonight. – Stan gave a brief look towards Ike, playing with his phone in a couch. Since the Broflovskis were out, Kyle had to bring him to the party.

- I dont know dude... My mom would kill me if she discovered i’ve smoked. – He took a deep breath before continuing. – I know Ike wont say a Word, but i dont know... You know how she gets when she’s angry.

Stan opened his mouth to say something to his Best friend, but they both turn their heads at the same time hearing the door above the stairs opening. Wendy and Bebe passed through it and the Black-haired girl froze as soon as she saw her boyfriend waiting. Stan smiled and patted Kyle’s shoulder friendly. – You know i support whatever your decision is, right? – and before the red-haired could reply, Stan stood up and went up to where Wendy was.

- Hey babe! How was your trip? – He asked already pulling her into a hug. Wendy seemed nervous about something, and her fake smile showed that.

Kyle, who could see Wendy’s expression, watched the scene confused, standing up as well. Bebe passed through him shooking her head. – This ain’t gonna be cool... – she sighed already knowing the kinda talk her bestie would have with her boyfriend next. Kyle turned to her listening this, getting even more perplexed now since according to Stan, the two of them seemed to be ok until the previous Day, at least He Said Wendy seemed to miss him in their messages.

- Bebe... What...

- Have you seen Clyde, Ky? – Bebe asked and the jewboy only pointed to where the football team captain and the blonde’s boyfriend was. Soon He also went down there leaving Stan and Wendy alone.

- Everything was fine Stan... I had lots of fun. – Wendy replied stepping away from his hug. She was acting weird.

- Is everything ok? Something happened? – Stan asked noticing this. He hoped his girl would be anxious to see him again, just like He was. He hoped that she would be happy and willing to tell him the news about her trip and that they would spend na amazing night together at the party. But the words that came out from Wendy’s mouth next made Stan’s heart stop beating for a second.

- Can we... Talk? – she said in a uncertain and not a bit thrilling tone. – I mean... Alone?

- Whats wrong with your face Kyle? – Kenny asked when He saw the jew coming downstairs with some worry on his eyes. He looked up towards Stan and Wendy while going down, and bit his lip nervously when He saw Stan’s smile vanishing, before He agreed with his head and followed Wendy out of the basement.

- It’s just... I think Wendy is going to break up with Stan. – He said grabbing a pop for himself while Kenny raised na eyebrown. He understood why Kyle seemed worried about this since Stan always ended up devastated everytime He had a fight with his girlfriend and them splitted apart for a while. None of them could forget the goth kids episode. Kenny got a bottle of vodka and added some to Kyle’s cup.

- Guess we’re gonna need more of this to comfort him later then, huh? – He said with a little sigh. Kyle looked at his cup and scratched his neck.

- I dont know if i should Kenny... Ike’s here and... – He thought for an instant. Why not? He wanted to be able to help his Best friend upstairs, but theres nothing He could do at the moment. Maybe when He came back, if what He was thiking truly happened, Kyle could cheer him up a little bit. – Alright... But let’s get slow... You know Stan has a problem with alcoohol.

- I have some weed here too... – Kenny said patting his parka’s pocket where probably the joints were. The smirk on his face showed the other the exact words that were about to come out of his mouth. – You said you were gonna try tonight, Kyle.

Wendy guided Stan to Cartman’s backyward. Usually, there was the parties Make out spot. Of course, couples used to kiss and fool around down the basement as well, but true action happened there, under the stars. Stan and Wendy had kissed in Cartman’s backyward before but they never reached the ultimate goal, He respected her too much to try doing anything without her giving a sign first. In reality, He didnt fell secure enough to go more ahead than what they had done by that point.

A girl placed her hands in her coat’s pockets. Despite still being Summer, South Park managed to be to coldest town in all Colorado. She sighed without facing him, just looking at the starry sky, nervous with something Stan couldnt identify. – Wendy... What do you wanna talk about? – she suddenly firm her feet and turn her head to him.

- Stan... We need to take a break.

Complete silence. Stan tilted his head to the side confused for a few seconds staring at his girlfriend not knowing how to react. E then He chuckled. It was a quick one tho, since Wendy’s expression didnt change. – Wait... You’re being serious? B-But why?!

- I’ve been thinking during this trip... You know? I need a break to think, thats all. – she replied shyly looking to the ground. She hated having to do that. But at the same time, it was needed, doubts came on her head during vacation and she needed to find a solution to it without Stan interfering, even without meaning it. – Please... You need to understand.

- You’ve met someone on the trip, don’t you? Thats what happened? Thats why you’re acting weird? – He asked leaning onto her and gently taking her hands, which made him stare at his eyes one more time. – Wendy... Please don’t do this to me again... I... I love you...

She stopped and her eyebrows curved in a sad way. She slightly and carefully touched his face. – And i love you too. Thats why i have to do this, because i don’t wanna hurt you more than necessary. I need a break Stanley... – her voice was firm and decisive. – And no... I didnt met anyone on the trip. I just... Need you to respect what i’m asking you.

She took a deep sigh gazing deeply inside his eyes, before releasing his hands and pass through him, returning back into the house. Stan’s shoulders dropped while he stared at nothing ahead of him with wide eyes, shocked, without understanding how in a matter of minutes he went from “Cute messages of missing you” to “We need to take a break”. He had no Idea how longer he stayed there staring at nothing in particular, but he discovered later that it was for awhile, cause Kenny opened the glass door that gave access to the backyard, holding himself to not have a laughter attack.

- HAHA! STAN! – he couldnt stop laughing. – You have to come see the shit Kyle’s doing! S-Stan... – Kenny stopped in front of his friend, finally seeing his desolate expression. – Uh... Stan? What happened?

- Wendy... She... She... – Stan tried to speak, but the words simply didnt came out. He felt his body being pulled into a hug all of sudden. Kenny sighed releasing him a few seconds later.

- I’m so sorry dude...

Stan felt terrible. If at least he knew why Wendy did this to him, maybe he could stand the fact better. Kenny was a good friend and for sure, at least as far as possible, his hug had helped. Perhaps if he went to hang with his friends... Wait a minute. Stan’s sad face changed to confused in just one second. – What did you said about Kyle?

- ALRIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS! WHEN I SAY CARTMAN, YOU SAY FATASS! – Kyle was standing above the junk food table, wearing only his underwear and hat. His voice sounded drunk and a little bit higher than usual. Kyle already had the most high pitched voice among all his male friends, but that was too much.

Kenny returned with Stan to the basement and just when he saw Kyle, he couldnt contain his laugh. Stan’s eyes got wide seeing his Best friend completely high and screaming almost naked in front of everybody. That wasnt Kyle, or at least, it wasnt how Kyle acted. All the others had similiar reactions to what was going on: Or they were laughing or they were shocked. Cartman didnt seemed to care that mosto of the shit coming out of the jew’s mouth were poorly directed to him. At the moment, the fat kid hold onto Heidi, his girlfriend, while filming Kyle making a fool of himself with his Iphone. – That’s totally going to my Twitter. – Eric laugh evil.

- My god Kenny... What the fuck did you gave him? – Stan asked, a mix of worry and giggle on his voice. Kenny laughed out loud in return, showing the other joint he had.

- Looks like our friend Kyle kept his promise, huh Stan?

Wendy was one of the people looking at Kyle without knowing how to react. For a second, she glanced at Stan, but quickly the boy looked away and went to the table where Kyle danced ridiculously. – Kyle, you have to get down from there dude. – Stan said reaching his arms towards his Best friend so he could come down without falling or getting hurt.

- Hey Stan! Hey everybody! This is my Best friend Stan! – Kyle said almost tripping and falling from the table, but Stan managed to hold him and put him down safely before that could happen. – Ah... Dude... Your eyes are puffy... – Kyle stopped smiling and touched Stan’s face dizzily. – She broke up with you, didnt she? I’m so sorry Stan! – and then he hugged him.

Stanley wanted to talk with Kyle about it. During his whole life, that boy was always there to help him, but he knew the red haired didnt had conditions at the moment. He sighed and asked someone next to the scene to pass him Kyle’s clothes that were on the floor. – C’mon man... Lets get you home. Lets go Ike!

Stan went away without saying bye to most people. In the end, Kyle’s little show had gave him an excuse to leave... After what happened, the last thing he wanted was partying. When they got to Kyle’s house, on the other side of the street, Stan carefully placed him on his bed with Ike’s help. He thanked Jesus for their parents being out.

- God dammit... Hey Ike, i think i’m spending the night. Just in case Kyle doesnt feel good... And he has no conditions of... – Stan stopped talking when he heard voices that sounded much alike the ones he heard at the party coming from Ike’s phone. – Ike?

- Uh? Oh, sure, no problem. – Ike replied laughing and showing his phone screen. It was a vídeo of Kyle’s show at the party, posted three minutes ago on Eric Cartman’s Twitter Page. – Its online already.

Stan took a deep breath, rolling his eyes thinking how Cartman could be such an asshole. He looked at Kyle knowing how ashamed he would be in the morning, despite him looking so peaceful sleeping now. – Alright Ike... You should go rest. We’ll figure this out tomorrow ok? The sleeping bag is still in the closet?

Stan layed on the floor next to Kyle’s bed, curling himself at the thick Terrance & Phillip sleeping bag. He smiled a bit remembering how happy they both were when got that gift. Soon he frowned tho, thinking about Wendy and what happened at the party. Why did she had to do that with him? Why didnt she gave him a reason? He heard Kyle moving on his bed and then released a groan.

- You better be ok in the morning to hear me mourn Kyle...

- Stan? Are you listening to me? – Kyle asked waving his hand in front of his Best friend’s face, that looked completely lost in thoughts.

- Uh? What? – he asked snapping out of it. He was inside the bus already heading to school with Kyle sitting by his side.

- You didnt heard a single Word i said, right? – the red haired kid asked with a bored look. Stan stuttered to reply, which made Kyle sit straight in his seat with his arms crossed. – Nevermind...

Stan felt bad for a second. He’d been thinking about Wendy and what happened for the last minutes, not realizing his surroundings. In fact, he and the girl havent spoken to each other in a week, ever since the talk in Cartman’s yard. The boy relaxed in his seat sighing sadly gazing at the view from his window. – I know you were problably cursing Cartman for being an ass and posting that vídeo. He’s really a jerk... I’m sorry about it and i’ll help you solve this shit. Is just...

- The thing with Wendy, right? – Kyle said suddenly. The two boys knew each other time enough to know exactly what the other was thinking without much effort. Stan looked back to his friend. – I know dude... It sucks. But you told me she just wanted a time. Didnt she said she loved you?

- Well... Yeah, she said. But i dont know... She seemed so... – the bus stopped in front of South Park High and the doors opened so the students could come out. But Stan couldnt stand. He saw something outside the bus the simply freeze his movements. Wendy was sitting at the stairs in front of the building with a big book in one of her hands... Because the other side of the book was being held by a blonde kid around their age that was extremely familiar. -...Distant...

Kyle looked from the window seeing the same scene. The boy was close to Wendy. Too close. The two of them seemed to be talking about the book and she seemed happy with this kid’s company. Kyle lifted an eyebrown, having the same sensation of familiarity. The blonde curly hair thrown back, fancy outfits and that smart air he exibited over Wendy... It reminded them a lot about this kid they’ve met years ago, when they were just eight, and that had went study with them. Kyle’s eyes widen when his mind reproducted the words “La Resistance” and he could, finally, identify who this guy was.

- Gregory... – he said making Stan turn to him abruptly.

- Hey, you two have to come down! – the bus driver yelled making them realize they were the only ones left inside. The boys quickly took their stuff and did as the man said. Kyle tried to pull Stan as far as possible from where Wendy was with Gregory, maybe head to their lockers and get over with that, but Stan couldnt avoid giving his girlfriend, or ex, a look with all the sadness from his body.

For a moment, Wendy faced him back, and the joy vanished from her face. She looked embarassed to the ground while Kyle kept trying to pull him away. But he knew there was no sense in spare him since his heart was probably already broken.

Eric Cartman was walking towards his locker with his usual egocentric air. He wasnt among the youngest in school anymore, actually, he was practically a veteran if you think well. It was like he owned this territory by now. He spotted Heidi Turner, his longdate gilfriend, searching for something inside her locker, and, even tho he wasnt seeing her face, he knew she was excited to see him. They were more attached than ever, since a week ago, after the incredible party in his house that he liked to call “High Kyle’s show” they went it on inside his room. Probably the best day of his whole life, not only for seeing Kyle humiliating himself, but because he lost his virginity, all in one night. It was too good to be true.

When he reached her, Cartman hugged her from behind, gripping her waist and lifting her up softly. Heidi gasped startled, tooking a fright when he lifted her, but when she looked back and saw her boyfriend, her face turned angry. She shook her legs and kicked him lightly to be released. – Let me go Eric!

Cartman released her, getting confused. He chuckled sarcastically. – Wow... Looks like someone is on a bad mood today. Are you on your period or something?

Heidi shut her locker madly, which made Cartman shut his mouth. He had seem her pissed before, despite being rare, and he didnt liked at all. He kept perplexed while she faced him almost like she was about to attack him. – I dont wanna talk to you! – she yelled suddenly and started to walk away. Cartman ran and grip on her arm.

- Hey! Wait a second, what have i done? – he asked not understanding. Heidi’s face got even angrier, burning bright red. After a few seconds she opened up.

- You want to explain to me why everybody knows what we’ve done last week? – she screamed pulling her arm away from his touch. Cartman’s eyes widen, as he placed his hands on his pockets.

- I... I dont know what youre talking about, Heidi...

- Dammit Eric! I asked you to not tell anyone! – she stamp her feet on the floor with tears on her eyes.

- And i didnt! – he screamed back, some people were staring at them both, before turning their faces and leave. Heidi crossed her arms, not buying not even a bit of that. – Well... Maybe i’ve told the guys... And Butters... And Clyde. I mean, i had to tell Clyde, right? Oh yeah... I told Jimmy too...

He stopped when she suddenly pushed him and his fat body hit the floor. – Youre an idiot! Now everybody looks at me knowing what happened! Dont you ever speak to me! Its over Eric! – and then she returned to march nervously away from him.

- Fuck you Heidi! Thats right, go away and leave me here, laying on the floor! – Cartman yelled seeing her move away. Noticing she didnt hesitate a single step and just disappeared by the end of the hallway, ignoring him completely, he sighed heavily, still with an irritated expression, laying the rest of his body on the floor too. – Crap...

OH MY GOD I’M SOOO HAPPY HAHA! So yeah, this was the first chapter. Hope you guys enjoyed. Feel free to comment, share and talk to me or Mary about it cause it really makes us want post more and more about this!!

*THIS AU BELONGS ENTIRELY TO ME (@maryramos) AND MY FRIEND (@m-tonks). If repost, please give credit to us and make sure to follow our page for more content of it!*

#south park #south park fanfiction #southpark fanart #south park au #SP AU #stan marsh #kyle broflovski #eric cartman #ButtersStotch #kenny mccormick #trey parker #Matt Stone #comedy central #cartoon #alternative universe #south park high #high school

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sometipsygnostalgic · 6 years

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low-key hoping wp doesnt repeat the mistakes of the past

dunno if you guys remember but there was a project called “Homestuck 2.0″ where they hired dante basco and a guy named john to produce homestuck youtube content. we have no idea what content this was, but john said one day that he had a bunch of videos lined up to post on the homestuck channel. 2 weeks later? john says he’s left whatpumpkin, and the homestuck 2.0 project is hard cancelled. why? we have no fucking idea.

then you have to remember the 3d studio which was formed after the TOG scandal. in 2014 they published a trailer for hiveswap, and announced a release date of early 2015. now, early 2015 came and passed, the website’s release date was quietly moved to fall. obviously as you know, act 1 was NOT released in 2015; instead we found out on Christmas that the project had been entirely revamped, the New York 3d studio shut down and a new team of international artists employed, many of whom had worked on Paradox Space (another eventually abandoned WP project). we find out the dismissal of the 3d studio was extremely sudden; they claimed the game was “basically complete”. now i don’t really think this claim was legit, since the 3d game looked like... hot garbage, but it wasn’t the first or the last time a similar statement would be made. When questioned about the development the 2d studio say the game has only been in production for “about a year”. they make the same statement a year later. kinda silly because at this stage we are in 2016, 3 years after the gigapause where hussie kicked hiveswap into gear. oh yeah, there was no news about hiveswap until late 2016, where it was given a January 2017 release date. Did it come out in january? Like fuck - at the end of Jan it was delayed again for “several weeks of bugtesting”, which turned into “9 months of further development”. somewhere along the line Cohen issues an apology and says that he wont announce the game’s release date again until it’s ready. there are finally crew interviews which is better than nothing i guess, and after the last one cohen announces a very close september 2017 release date.

hiveswap act 1 comes out, everything is awesome, we’re told act 2 wont be far away. a few months later we’re given an estimate of spring 2018. the Trollcall begins. the hiveswap comics contest soon follows. WP say they’ll throw a troll OC into the game. we believe at this stage that the game will be act 2, though I’m not sure.

now, week 12 into the hiveswap comics contest (WEEK 12 SWEET JESUS), at around the time period they said act 2 would be coming out, game musician James Roach and artist Poinko make a very sudden and clearly unwanted departure under an NDA. the troll call comes to an end and there is not an announcement after. the contest is going on for far too long, which makes me think that if act 2 was anywhere near done it certainly wouldnt be for that.

maybe it’s a bit soon to start panicking, but i’m seeing some... very familiar developments here. sudden departure? no marketing campaign besides the fricken troll calls? remember that WP’s lackluster marketing and unannounced delays led to underwhelming act 1 sales, which could be affecting development now. what exactly is going on?

one of the more concerning developments to me has to be the SBAHJ kickstarter. andrew hussie has not yet delivered on his supermassive $2.5million kickstarter, yet he set up another for a sbahj book. why? the book was COMPLETE. why couldnt it just be normally published like the previous books? theres also how viz seems to be a heavy sponsor of hiveswap. they gave whatpumpkin $500,000 i believe. maybe more since then? not sure. but does that mean viz has creative control over the project now?

anyway, act 2 or not, i really doubt hauntswitch is going to be a thing. they’re not even giving it away to kickstarter backers which makes it clear that they expect the funding of the game to come from hiveswap. but hiveswap barely breaks even, since it hasn’t exactly become a cult phenomenom. (it was a bit silly that so many people were expecting it to do so by association, act 1 just isnt the type of game for that)

what is the future of whatpumpkin? is it bright or is it dirty? it’d be a shame to see a group of such talented and overworking developers fall apart.

#homestuck #hiveswap

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letsimportanttreecollection-blog · 6 years

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Im planning on getting a 2012 honda accord coupe. will it be more expensive to insure compared to the sedan model or will it only be a slight expensive?

Cheap car insurance for a 17 year old male?

I passed my driving test last month and did my pass plus last saturday. I'm now stunned to find that the lowest i've seemed to get my car insurance is 5000, I'm a full time 6th form student so how am I meant to pay that? Is there ANYWHERE where I can get cheap insurance for my car? (except gps box insurance with restrictions such as fines for going out past 11pm) any previous experiences? or recommendations? I understand that 17 year old males are higher risk to road users than others, especially newly qualified, but there must be some loopholes in the system which will enable me to get a cheap quote? Many thanks.""

Car insurance for a 19 yr old female?

I know you can't really tell me but can anyone give me an estimated guess?I have a 2003 Honda Accord. Here is some information to narrow it down. 1. i live in tennessee' 2. i don't live in the city, but close to one 3.I mainly drive to school and work 4.I've never had a ticket 5.I've never had an accident ( safe driver's insurance intact) 6. I've got good grades/school record. (Not sure if that counts) My guess was over $100 but under $200....is this a safe bet or am i way off?""

What is the insurance cost per month for a 16 year old to drive a 2000 mustang GT?

Hi im 14 so i will be taking drivers ed pretty soon so my dad said to start looking for a high school car. I found this 2000 Ford Mustang GT thats only $7500. I just need to know how much the insurance would be because i know that sports cars have higher insurance costs than most other cars. If anyone owns a mustang and knows how much it costs or knows where i can get a quote i would really appreciate the help! Thanks!

Should I sue my parents...?

When I was 4 years old I was in a car accident and my parents had a settlement with the drunk drivers insurance and recieved 100,000 dollars for me. At such a young age I didnt really know what was going on and they told me that it had to be put up till I was 18 and I couldnt have it. Well that money is no longer there and I am now 20. As I grew up they told me that it all just went to lawyer fees but obviously I am old enough now to know better. I found out from other family members that they just blew it. I am now married and have three month old baby and I could have used that money to help get a house for us or help with the financial problems that come with being a new parent or newlywed. Should I sue them to get what was mine to begin with and if so how do I go about it and what are the chances that I will win?""

How much would car insurance cost for a 17 year old girl?

I am 17 I live in New Mexico it is April 2013 and I am financing new 2013 Chevrolet Cruze LS I will be put on my grandmothers Allstate car insurance.. how much would the monthly payment be???

Affordable medical plan for newborns?

i know there is WIC to cover if dont make enough money to pay for alot of food besides the bills, and the childs shots are covered through the pregnancy medicaid (if you have it) for ...show more""

What are some cheap car insurance companys?

What car insurance companys are cheap... and do they have a web site/phone number so I can get a quote thanks!

Which would be cheaper- my university insurance or insurance from the exchanges (obamacare)?

The deadline to enroll in my university insurance is before September, but I don't know if I should wait until October to see what options from the exchanges there are? Also, are all the insurance programs from the exchanges required to cover pre-existing conditions?""

Insurance - length of driving discounts?

So I have been driving for 3 years now (starting a couple days ago). I have allstate car insurance. I am listed as a 4 principal driver licensed 2 years and 6 months, but less than 3 years and I just called to be updated to a 0 principal driver licensed over 3 years . Will I be saving a hefty more on my car insurance? I am currently paying a premium of $776.50 every 6 months. That includes a good student discount. I am still only 19, but I will have been licensed for 3 years. Will this give me a good discount? And how much do you think it will decrease?""

Motorcycle collision insurance?

Is this a good idea if its a 2001? Its not manditory, no loan. $4000 bike. Does it cover non accident damage? Like the bike falls/gets knocked over? Vandalism? Thanks""

First they cancel my insurance. Is it true that I'm now hearing 70% of Cali doctors will boycott Obamacare?

I have to sign up for Obamacare because I'm self employed and was on an insufficient individual plan. So I'm resigned to the fact I need to sign up for Covered California(Obamacare), but now I'm hearing the California Medical Association says 70% of physicians say they will boycott my Covered California policy if I get one, since I don't have employer insurance and am in the Obamacare network. Basically I'm screwed everywhere I turn now. Can 70% of physicians really thumb their noses at the government? Can they afford to? http://washingtonexaminer.com/article/2540272#.UqLPd42Zl8I.twitter""

Which car would the cheapest insurance (Civic ex (4dr) or Lancer ES)?

What's the advantage of having an intermediary company (broker) handle my car insurance?

i quoted through the intermediary company (broker) and the total payment was $331. Then i quoted directly with the insurance company and the total payment is $209......????

""I need short term auto insurance, since i will be on vacation for 45 days in southern california,?

Now my insurance company doesn't cover me in the states

""How much do you pay for your car insurance policy evey year, all said and done?""

My boyfriend and I are moving to Portland Oregon, and we're trying to get some sort of idea. This is some info that would help us get an idea. How old are you? How many people are on the policy? What type of car(s)? How much coverage? THANKS!""

Mark Center Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 43536

Car insurance is abnormally expensive for me (18yrs old)? What am I doing wrong?

I go on gocompare, confuse.com, comparethemarket, etc. to check prices of different cars but I keep getting insurance at the price of 7,000+?! And the crazy thing is, it was for a Peugeot 2002 106 which is like 1.1 litre. which came to the lowest I found. Which was 7,000+. I fill in the details truthfully, such as locked home garage, very low miles per year, etc, but I can't seem to get cheap insurance? Everyone online says they get insured for around 2,000 on a Corsa, Peugeot 106, Citroen C1 and on like 1.4L+ cars etc. HOW TO HELL? Should I just buy my 1st car then insure it on my parents name then ask me to be put on as a named driver? My friends do that and pay around 1,000-1,200 on 1.6L cars.. Also, can you recommend me a good 1st car? (England) Thanks!""

Affordable health insurance??

I asked before but i am looking for a health insurance that covers meds, eye checks, dentist, womens problems, in the united states.""

Insurance on a 1998 corolla?

i am a male, 19, g2 license, no dimerits, how much will it cost to insure a well sustained 1998 corolla? live in canada ontario, no dimerits at all, no tickets! (this will be under my name, my family has 2 cars under they're name already, the insurence company said they cant put my mom and dad's name under more than 2 cars so the third car would have to be under my name) also, would it be cheaper for my name to be under a brand new 2012 acura TL?""

How would i go about getting a hypothetical insurance quote?

I haven't even started to learn to drive yet, but just out of curiosity i want to get a rough estimate for insurance for a car that i found, are there any website where i can do this anonymously?""

Whats the best cheapest car insurance to get?

We have Farmers Insurance, and we have to 2 cars and 3 person together with full coverage cost $370 a month, i think that's too much, we can hardly afford that. Is there any other company you think offer cheaper? Thanks.""

""How much do you pay for car insurance in dorchester,ma ?

2006 Nissan Murano SL AWD or similar car.

Switching health insurance while pregnant--bad idea?

Hi, I am insured under a program called Healthy New York, which provides affordable health insurance for low income workers. I am pregnant and my OB GYN dropped my insurance. I am allowed to change provider and remain under the same program, and according to Healthy NY, pregnancy is not a preexisting condition if the insured is a sole proprietor , which I am. I also called Blue Cross Blue Shield, the new insurance, and they claim my pregnancy would be covered. Somehow I still am afraid there is some hidden problem. Any insights, personal experiences? Thank you, Anja""

Cheap health insurance?

What is a good company for CHEAP health insurance?? For 19 Male (single)

Where can i get car insurance for over 50?

looking for a good company that deals with car insurance for 50 years old and over

Citroen Saxo Insurance?

Hello, im a 17 year old currently learning to drive, once i have a Full UK driving license,think i would be able to get insured on a citreon saxo? As far as i know there are a few types of saxo's, the 1.1, the 1.4 furio, and the vtr 1.6 i think! Many people have told be they are classed as a boy racer car so the insurance will be high but surely if i buy a standard 1.1 or 1.4 saxo i will be able to get insured. What do you guys think? What saxo best for first car? Any other first cars recommened? How much round about do you think it will be to insure? Thanks""

Pregnant with health insurance but no maternity coverage?

Would I qualify for Medicaid for pregnant women if I have cigna health insurance without maternity coverage? I live in Florida. If not does cigna offer maternity coverage?

Why company cars needs insurance?

Why do business cars needs insurance?

Affordable Dental Insurance? Can it be true?

I recently lost my job. I would like a separate dental insurance plan besides my basic health insurance. I wonder if anyone else is feeling the pain like me. Any suggestions?

Can i drive my dads car without insurance?

Alright so i live in Ontario, Canada. I just recently got my G2 licence, and i am dying to drive the car, but my dad isnt sure if he would need to get insurance in my name on the car which i will drive. he already has insurance on the car, however its on his name. Can i legally drive that car if the insurance is not on my name?""

Have I been ripped off? Car insurance?

Need a bit of help! I recently turned 18 and passed my driving test I drive a c1 and I paid 3060 for my car insurance this is with a black box fitted! I don't know if this is bad or good?? Considering I am being monitored?? Please help

Cheapest way to get car insurance?

we know of a family that is going through tough times. Mom works 3 jobs, daughter (18 y.o. works 2 jobs and goes to school full time) while the dad has two DUIs on him. Of course the daughter can't get insurance(because its too expensive). Around $2k a year. Know of any other viable options?? Its in California. Thanks!""

Car Insurance... How much is it really?!?

I am planning on getting a car this summer after school and i am 16.... My parents want to lease a car for me from Dodge/Chrysler/Jeep since we get a discount. I really want the dodge SRT-4 but i think it will be too much insurance at this point in my life... can someone tell me roughly how much it would be??? thx!

""Out of these cars, which one will have the cheapest insurance?

Suzuki Forenza 2007 Mazda3 2005

At what age will my car insurance go down?

im 19 now with a clean record.

How do I go about getting affordable/any health insurance?

-22 -located in Philadelphia, PA -single -insurance is not offered at workplace -no parents -got denied for Medicaid Any answers are greatly appreciated!""

Health insurance question?

Can someone tell me what in network and out of network means? I applied for my health benefits today and the lady had me soooo confused. I understand that an in network doctor will save me money. Does an in network doctor mean they accept my insurance and out of network they don't accept it? LOL this is my first time having private insurance so i'm not quite sure what all of this means!

Seeking an auto insurance company who offers independent spouses insurance?

married, but want to buy separate auto insurance""

Advice on car insurance after having an accident?

I only passed my test 5 weeks ago, and 2 weeks after getting my car I had a crash and my car was wrote off (I know I'm the reason its so expensive for young drivers :S) Just wondering if anyone knows of any insurance companies that won't rip me off. (I know this is a long-shot! but it's worth a try) Thanks in advance :)""

Where can I get temporary van insurance?

I'm looking for temporary van insurance for my van as I want to drive it to Spain for a few days but don't use it enough to warrent paying for a year's insurance. I would also need european breakdown cover, so if someone could help with that as well, I would be very grateful.""

Does anyone know approximately how much liability insurance costs for an old school VW Van?

I'm looking into buying a 1979 VW Van/Bus, I was just wondering what kind of insurance I'm looking at.""

Mark Center Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 43536

Cheap or free help with medical insurance?

I need health insurance for myself my children are covered under medicade and I need health insurance that is free or cheap

Does anyone have health insuance?

I need help! I need health insurance and unable to get it due to my chron's diease. I live in Califorina and no one will help me because my husband and I make too much money (yeah right) I need some help on what to do please anyone

Do you need to pay insurance on a 50cc scooter in utah?

I just bought a 50cc scooter and i was wondering if in Utah you have to pay insurance on it? also about how much is it to register it?

Which is cheaper for a 16 year old Car insurance or Motorcycle insurance?

Im thinking about getting either a car or a motorcycle it all depends on the insurance cost.

How much would my insurance be?

ive just turned 16 and im getting a 50cc moped restricted. Most people insurance is 289 for the first year and 189 for the second. but thats for a scooter.I want an Rs50 (1 of a kind) and so i am asking, will my insurance be different or the same?""

Would anybody please tell me what do I have to do to become a car insurance broker?

I am interested in car insurance industry and would like to become an insurance broker. I don't know the course or the line to follow.

Cheapest car insurance for a teen in florida ?

Im currently 17 years old; Im getting my driver license next week. I have a 1995 Nissan Sentra and I wanted to know what would be the cheapest insurance in Florida. I was thinking of getting my PIP only, but my price ranges are 0-250 a month. I also have a 20 year brother who had his drivers license since he was 17 years old and I was thinking if I can out his name as the head of the car insurance and add me as a secondary driver but I dont if it will be cheaper ??? If you know of an insurance that provides more than a PIP for my price range please let me know ??? If the insurance will not be cheaper under my brothers name, !!""

How much would motorcycle insurance be for a 17 yr old female?

hi. im 17 years old and live in glendale arizona. i want to buy a honda rebel 250. but im kind of worried about the insurance costs. i get average grades and am a good driver behind the wheel of a car and behind handlebars. how much do you think theyll ask of me?

How much info do the govt have on what sort of car insurance u have?

Like as long as I have an insurance certificate am I sweet until I have an accident? Or if I give the insurance company wrong info for a cheaper quote will the govt find out? If so how? My mates had his car for ages and has no insurance and the police have never said anything to him Cheers

What kind of insurance (if any) will cover AI pregnancies?

I know this sounds a little odd, and I know you're probably thinking that I shouldn't have gotten AI if I can't afford the medical bills. But I'm serious, and need recommendations. I need to find an affordable insurance company that will help cover the expenses of an intentional pregnancy. I'm not talking about the actual Artificial Insemination process, but rather the doctor and hospital bills that will occur during pregnancy and at the actual birth. Thank you so much! I really appreciate the help!""

What would I need to do to get car insurance (new driver)?

I plan on leasing a car and paying monthly, but I'll need car insurance. I'm 21 and a new driver, Where should I get my car insurance? And how much will i be looking to pay for a car in the 2004-2006 range? Thanks.""

What is the minimum required age to get an insurance liscense in California.?

To get a license to sell life insurance in the state of California.

Auto insurance question Re: teenage driver?

My 17 year old daughter is currently on my automobile insurance policy. She drives my car at times. She'll be 18 next February. Sometime this year, I wanted to get a new car and give her this one. If we have the car registered in her name when I give it to her, does she then need her own seperate insurance policy? Can she still be under my insurance although the car would no longer be registered in my name? I think seperate insurance for her (at her age) would be considerably more expensive. She's still a student and not working yet. Any insights on this would be appreciated.""

Can you have 2 insurance policies on one car?

I have recently passed my test and wanted to be added to my partners insurance. They don't except people who haven't held a license for less than 2 years? Is it possible for me too take out my own insurance on her car?

What is a good affordable health insurance for a part time worker?

I am a part time worker averaging 15-20 hours per week, minimum wage. I do not qualify for the job insurance since I have to be full time. Is there any insurances out there that are affordable for me? Please and thank you!""

Can somebody explain what term insurance means?

if you get term insurance for 10 years, can you get your money after 10 yearrs even if you didn't diie?""

Live in different states then parent: Car insurance?

Do I have to live in the same state as my dad to have my car under his insurance? I live in NC and he lives in SC if that makes a difference. Thank you!!

Whats good Health Insurance?

Im 20 a year old woman in college, I recently found out I was pregnant. I want to find affordable health insurance coverage for me and my unborn child. I dont want to rely on ...show more""

What is car insurance for?

do i need insurance for a car that is parked or is it just to drive the car

""If you need health insurace, are you going to be able to afford Affordable Care?""

I had high hopes for the Affordable Care Act (nicknamed Obamacare). it was supposed to give all Americans access to healthcare and be affordable enough so we could all still eat and have a roof over our heads. Premium prices depend on where you live, and I live in one of the higher-priced areas, but OMG! Their premiums are more expensive than I've ever seen, and then you have to pay a chunk to see the doctor or get a prescription or go to the hospital... I don't see any savings or advantages anywhere. So what about you, if you aren't covered by health insurance and were hoping to get it under the Affordable Care Act? Can you afford it?Will you be able to actually afford to go to the doctor after paying the premiums?""

Anyone know any car insurance company's that can offer cheap car insurance for a 18 year old?

I am 18 and just bought a Nissan Altima 08. I live in California, Los Angeles. I am trying to get insured and they want to charge me $3000 a year. Thats $250 a month for car insurance. Its more then my car payments. Anyone know any insurance company that can offer a better deal?""

Does making payments on a car make insurance cheaper?

my mother in law is about to buy us a car and we are going to b paying her back. so i can either put that we are owning the car or making payments on the car in the insurance questionnaire. but i was wondering what difference it made. does making payments on the car make your insurance cheaper or more expensive or cheaper? i googled it but couldnt find an anwer

Is it legal to be declined health insurance for this reason?

I applied with a major insurance company in California, am a single vegetarian in my mid/late 30s no children, extremely healthy never been diagnosed with anything, exercise regularly. I guess they dug up that I had taken a fertility drug in the past - I was never even diagnosed as infertile - it's a really cheap common drug that stimulates your ovaries to produce more eggs but I had no partner to get pregnant with so to was just something I got from a fertility doctor if I wanted to get pregnant with donor sperm. That's not even covered by insurance if I ever want to do that again and the drug's like $20 you can practically get it over the counter it's so common I know tons of women who use it. I didn't even apply for maternity care to be included in my insurance, just a basic policy. Is it legal for them to decline me because of this? So if a woman has a baby they are no longer eligible for insurance? Most women who get pregnant take this drug (including both my sisters) yet they still have insurance. Was it legal for the pharmacy to give them this info? I don't know how else they found out.""

I am 16/m and looking for a cheap car insurances?

Im currently living in nyc, I am 16/m and looking for a cheap car insurances. Does anyone know of any?""

Has anyone used Cover Me Insurance Agency to buy Truck Insurance?

I'm a truck driver in need of truck insurance and filled out their quote form online at http://www.covermeinsurance.com/quote.html but have not heard back from them. I called them about 3am to leave a message but they don't even have a way to leave a message. I was wondering if anyone has had any experience with this truck insurance agency.

Mark Center Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 43536

Young motorcylist trying to get car? Stupid insurance?

I want to swap my motorcycle for a car, as I need to drive to university one day a week and I want a car for the motorway (Safer during gusts & ICE). But..... the stupid insurance companies take no notice that I've been driving for two years, and want to charge me 3500!!!!! For an 800cc CAR!!! WTF?! For a 600cc bike, it'll cost me 450! Let's compare: 600cc BIKE (0-60 in 2.5 seconds, tops out at 130mph, worth 2000) 800cc CAR (0-60 in 17 seconds, tops out at 82mph, worth 850) Which one do YOU reckon should be cheaper?!!!!?? So, how do I get an insurer to actually realise that I've been on the road for two years, have a full motorcycle license, and that my insurance shouldn't be so STUPIDLY, RIDDICULOUSLY expensive?! Without fronting on my dad's policy :P BTW, adding parents as a named driver only reduces it by 300...""

Mustang GT Insurance?

I am now 15 and 9 months and when i turn 16 and 9 months around May next year i would like to get a new 2015 Mustang GT for 32k. There is a problem. My mom is worried about how much she will have to pay for insurance so i would like to get an estimate from you guys before asking her to call the insurance company. By the way we are from Poland( I am first generation born in New York Brooklyn now in Maryland). I was thinking maybe she could just tell the insurance company she is buying a second car for herself to maybe keep the insurance company from knowing its for a 16 year old they wont be able to trust.(Even though i have been driving my Mom's Camry for a few years now and am beyond responsible enough.) I was hoping below a 100$/month? (P.S. She is very responsible and had never been in an accident caused by her fault so her insurance company trusts her and i believe she is with Erie Insurance now after she switched from Geico who were overcharging her for the house coverage i believe...)

Car Insurance and Tornadoes?

Just curious since I live in the heart of tornado alley in Southern Kansas... Say if my car was at home or at a store or other place of business and a tornado destroyed or damaged my car, will my insurance cover the damage? Full coverage.""

How much could I expect to pay for motorcycle insurance?

I am going to take motorcycle lessons, and once I obtain my license, I plan on buying a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R. Either a 2009 or 2008 model (cost is 4000 or 3500 dollars, respectively). I am 19 years old, and have a car, which I am the primary driver of, which cost a little bit over $20k. Insurance is a little under $3000n annually. I have heard that this might reduce my motorcycle insurance costs (if I get it with the same company?), but I am not sure. I have never been any type of accident, or speeding or any involvement with the police. Only one parking ticket for my entire time of driving (since 2008 July). And I live in Massachusetts. Any type of idea of the cost would greatly help, before I commit myself to the lessons and purchases and the costs. Thanks!""

""What happens if you have health insurance through your job, then have to get new health insurance?""

If you have health insurance with your employer then quit, how can you get new health insurance with your new employer because aren't they going to see all your pre-existing history from your old insurance company?""

How to get only eye insurance in new jersey ?

Hi , I have bcbs nj health insurance independently , not from my employer , but they dont provide eye insurance indepently , it should only be from an employer , ......pls someone suggest other insurances where they provide only eye coverage like UNITED or GURDIAN etc""

How do I cancel my life insurance policy?

I just turned 19, my life insurance policy just started and I don't want it. I know that you can cancel it by stop paying for it, but what if it's connected to my bank account?""

""How much, on average, would it cost to get a Thyroid Function Test? (No insurance) Info on Hypothyroidism?""

I was told that I might have Hypothyroidism because of my constant low blood pressure & low body temp. I was reading the symptoms and seem to have the following. Poor muscle tone (muscle hypotonia) Fatigue Cold intolerance, increased sensitivity to cold Depression Constipation Muscle cramps and joint pain Arthritis Thin, brittle fingernails Brittle hair Paleness Dry, itchy skin Weight gain Thinning of the outer third of the eyebrows Low basal body temperature Impaired memory Impaired cognitive function (brain fog) and inattentiveness <-all the time now Migraine headache Sluggish reflexes Anxiety/panic attacks <All the time now Increased need for sleep <All the time now Irritability and mood instability <All the time now Decreased sense of taste and smell Depression (Had <that for years and years now) Could it be the depression & Borderline Personality Disorder causing this or thyroid problems causing the Mental issues? Thanks for any info!""

Will my sisters auto insurance go up?

i live with my sister and her husband. i do not have any auto insurance. i was a pedestrian that got backed into by a car. i now will have to go and have surgery on my knee. to make a long story short, will my sisters auto insurance cover me because i am a resident relative? will their auto insurance go up if they cover me (they will get reimbursed though by the party who hit me)""

How much does car insurance cost in Ontario?

What are the factors involved? What kind of car will help me get lower insurance? I'm 16 (but will be 17 when I purchase a car) I haven't done any drivers coarse because I personally think it would be a waste of time. I've been driving for many years, seems pointless to take the coarse just to be considered a three star driver... anyways, should I get a newer car? or an older one? what factors are involved in getting low insurance? now I'm only gonna be 17, so I'm guessing it's gonna be around $2000-$3000 ( a year) but how can I get it as low as possible?""

How can these insurance companies like Geico claim to save you money on your car insurance when ?

when they are spending so much on stupid commercials

In a california DUI license suspension how do i get my license back?

its been a year that got a DUI in California and got my license suspended, and im just wondering how do i get my license back? do i just show up to DMV? i never got sent to court so by law the case gets dismissed after a year. so how do i go about getting my license back. ANSWER FAST!! :D""

300cc Moped Insurance...about how much would that cost?

I know lots of factors go into calculating insurance costs, but about how much do you think insurance for a 300cc moped would cost per year or per month? Thanks.""

Mega life and health insurance?

What is the location of Mega Life and Health Insurance?

Insurance and modifications?

i have a 3 speed auto porsche 944 '-85. obviously it is quite expensive to insure, and this particular model is quite slow. so i was wondering what would be the complications in shoving a 944 S2 engine under the bonnet, and the turbo from the 944T model? both mechanically the complications and what insurance companies would make of it. could i not just get away with telling them nothing? after all it would still be a 944-of sorts!""

How much does car insurance cost for 18 year olds?

I am a male, i got my license around 4 monthes ago. I am 18 years old live in NY. I am planning on buying a car and i would like to know what is average price of insurance. Because my parents telling me i will be paying like 600 a months or something like that. I am planing on getting 2007 infiniti G35. I never owned a car and never was insured. So i dont have any idea about it, except friends and articles online. So if somebody can, please tell me what would e the insurance. Thanks""

What is the best student health insurance plan in Florida?

How much would car insurance cost for a Mustang GT.?

I am 16 years old Never had a accident Live in a pretty big city 2012 Ford Mustang GT

Car hit by uninsured driver - how to recover the costs?

My stationary car was hit by an uninsured driver in March 09. The insurance company made me pay 500 excess and said that this will be fully recoverable as the other driver was at fault. The car was then written off and I was paid the value of the car. In December the other driver was found guilty of driving without insurance, fined and given penalty points. Even though my policy gives me legal cover, it has now been 11 months since the incident and they do not seem to be very active. Also, my policy expires next month and as the claim is still open, the insurers assume that I lost my no claim bonus and quoted me twice as much for the renewal. I'm confused now, is there anything I can do to get my 500 back? I hope you can give me any ideas on what to do. Thanks""

Auto Insurance Increase?

My family lives in New Mexico and my son is planing on moving to Arizona I want to keep him on my insurance but when he changes his drivers license to the state of Arizona will my insurance go up?

Do any insurance companies do SEASONAL motorcycle insurance?

I am deploying at the end of the summer and was curious if any insurance companies do seasonal or monthly insurance. I live in NJ so if you know of any place that does this please let me know. I tried riders insurance and progressive already. Thank you

Is it true that in MA your first ever ticket doesn't count against your auto insurance?

Is it like the first ticket is a wash/freebie? or does it raise your insurance points and rates regardless?

What is the day to day of a Commercial Insurance Broker?

I am interested in becoming a wholesale insurance broker as a career and would like to here from those that know about the current day to day life of someone in this position.

Need insurance and sr22 for suspended license?

A friend of mine lost his license for driving without insurance. He needs to get insurance and provide an sr22 to get his license back. We live in Ohio and are having a hard time finding any kind of affordable insurance plans. Any ideas? What is a good price for min. state coverage, anyways? Thanks for the help.""

Would the car insurance cost more than this car?

I'm thinking of buying an old car for $300 maybe a bit more I have my eye on a few cars like a Vauxhall. I heard car insurance is very expensive maybe a months cost of insurance will cost more than the car?!?! What price i'm I looking at?

Mark Center Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 43536

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/fort-mcmurray-dui-insurance-quotes-fiona-summers/"

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short-simple-crystalclear · 3 years

Text

To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.

I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.

Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.

Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.

Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.

Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.

So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.

When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.

Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.

And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.

#sacrifice

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beautifulmonster1212 · 4 years

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You think if I was a “Cold hearted liar” I would be sooo broken over you???.... you think I wouldn’t rebound and just say “eff this” and move on ??.... if I was a cold hearted liar from the moment you ghosted me in 2017 and showed BR my nudes and you allowed it to be posted.........you think I would come running back??.....

You baited me on a fake watsapp number 7**-0241......while I used my real number and we spoke for months....you called me babe back then too just to ghost me.....which was fine .....but then selling me out to BR and then posting all my nudes along with all my watsapp profile pictures, and then posting my whole qualifications under the picture.......and I forgave you and tried to look past that......but I’m the cold hearted liar.

You think I would put aside my dignity when you guys posted the photo with my whole Dr. in front my name ??... what about when I called u to my house that night and we were in the kitchen talking and I asked you if u knew about tumblr and who posted it ....you looked me in the eyes and told me u don’t know anything like that ....... I told you I traced the ip address to your house ....this was your exact words “solider iz me, my moda, fada, big bro and small bros and none of them would use that app....” but I’m the cold hearted liar.....and yet I forgave you for that.

What about when I asked you for Jouvert.....when brendon very well played jouvert also.....and I had to find out he was in your gallery liming after jouvert, when I dropped you home and all I could have think about was you .....you was with him drinking more that evening......you hide him perfectly from me throughout that entire day otherwise I would have recognized him......that evening I called you to tell you my real feelings for you...you hugged me and told me “bro it’s crazy how close we’ve gotten in such short space of time” and I held onto that an approached you that night in a phone call and I tried to tell you I love you and u told me you can’t come out your house and you have to watch your little brothers.......but I’m a cold hearted liar.

What about the time I had to pretend to be someone else, just so that I could have heard everything you really felt about “Hotdoc”.....and everything your family said about “Hotdoc”, meanwhile I was nothing but just being nice and getting to know you better, and the time I had to hear about BR coming in your van the weekend before fasting started and how he started making out with you and you guys sucked off each other.....how was I suppose to feel....when I had especially asked you to lime that weekend and you turned me down. I had to hear every detail about it, down to his cumshot. I rember being at the gym and just running down to the toilet to vomit becuase I couldn’t stand the idea of you swallowing someone’s cum, I bawled my eyes out but continued to talk to you because I wanted to hear more about what your family was saying becuase that was all sooo suprising to me, that ppl can be so two faced and judgemental.

What about the private bday I had just to spend time with you ??...and it was my best bday ever just having you there... but I’m a cold hearted liar.......

What about the night we went down to Zumba girl house.....and everyone else in your house went on vacation to some country..........I remember being so nervous that night because that was the night I thought u were alone and maybe I might get through to you.......you’re the first guy I have feelings for... and I really dodnt understand how after everything You had put me tru I still kept coming back.......that night you told me you were upset that Justin sister went with another man .......in my head all I was thinking about was you.....and all you was talking about was Justin sister we were sitting in your gallery and when I told you....”A there’s someting between us....I feel this way towards you and I know you feel the same way”........ you blatantly laughed in my face and told me “broo, idk what u talking about” making me look like the raging homosexual. I told you “open the fucking gate” and I left......but I’m the cold hearted liar.....I cried myself to sleep that night, and went on my knees asking god to stop letting me have these feelings for someone that keep hurting me.

Ramadan month, all I wanted to do was be by your side secretly in 2019, I had to pretend to be someone else on gentleman1212 so that I could have hear you say “I wish hotdoctor would just jam me in a corner and suck my tongue” Nights upon nights I ponder on how I was going to do this.....finally praying and getting the courage to do it ......I called you over to my room.....well I don’t need to remind you what happened in my room, till this day when I sit on that black desk all I rmeber is being push away and you saying “solider not ah fuck ah datt shit with me.” When u left my house in that BMW I trashed my rooom.....lamp everything was broken.....becuase I didn’t know how exactly to feel.....you were saying someting on tumblr and doing the whole opposite in person......but I’m a cold hearted liar. I couldn’t help myself I had to call you on the phone and that was the day I told you “A I love you”......it was 5:56pm and you had just reached to work......what was your response .......”bro I reach to work.....I hadda go there now.....but all I could tell you is someone playing with your head and I not gay” and u hung up the phone on me....... but I’m a cold hearted liar.

Wanting to drop rope for me to hang myself.....having conversations about killing me and “your boys ready for me”.....posting a pic of a gun.....calling me manicou face.....and how u going hunting and then telling me how “I killed my mom.......but I’m “cold hearted” rite ?? ......I remember I went that day to do my Photoshoot that I had done just for you......It was the fitness shoot that I had done just to change my fb profile pic ..”it was the ones with the ropes....to show you I made better use of the ropes you wanted to drop for me .......around the same time you wanted me dead, for no apparent reason and I woke up to you asking me where I prefer my final rights, Belgroves like mom or the seabed. I almost canceled the entire shoot, becuase I had to take all that pain and hurt and pull tru that $10,000 Photoshoot for that one day.....just so that I can post on my fb just for you. Would a cold hearted liar do any of that ??.... Your brother found out I lost my job in September last years, failure is never someting that I am accustomed with, having lost a job because of my performance was someting that was on me and I don’t blame you for that, I blamed myself for being caught up in all the homicidal threats and gun posts and I blame myself for being genuinely scared and watching a situation where I was completely innocent and generous to a group of people turn into something so sinister to the point where I felt like my life was a risk. There were days I would drive different vehicles, but then my dad would drive my van I didn’t want to put his life at risk......so I had to keep using my van, despite the fear. You ever considered for a moment how I felt for those 4 week that you were posting homicidal posts for me ??... or what about the talk of dropping my nudes on Xhamester.....and some Trinidad Bamboo....and saying “international l fuck up now for him”.......ever considered how much nights of crying and praying to God on my knees that you don’t do whatever you were threatening to do me. Every considered how much my heart broke into pieces hearing the one person that I ever had feelings for and did so much for want to killl me and post my nudes to ruin my life.

A cold hearted liar would have been gone since 2017, a cold hearted liar would have found someone else moved on and never look back. And what you’re going through rite now....I never want to think this is Karma for all the years of hurt that you’ve put me through, but you’ve been hurtin since September; and you never miss an opportunity to tell remind me of what a horrible person I am, but calling me a Cold hearted liar is worse than threatening to kill me and ask where I want to be laid to rest by my mom or on the seabed; becuase God knows how much times I’ve broken my own heart for you, and had to put myself together piece my piece only for it to be broken again

Use your brain; A cold hearted liar would have been gone by now ....not putting up with your rejections, homicidal life threats and worse yet your constant failure to merge the tumblr version of yourself and your real life self.

There was so much instances where you could have come forth as a friend, and nothing more, where u could have apologized in person for the way things went down with us. Becuase I was your friend, not J not your brother, I was your friend......and you would never get another friend like me ....I didn’t become your friend with intentions of falling in love with you.....I became your friend to see the type of person you were, to see past what you’ve put me tru in 2017, and to let go of the hate that I had for you for putting me tru that, and then little by little I started to fall in love like no gravity and I couldnt help myself, but I kept getting my heart broken over and over again. U know how much sleepless, nights or crying I did back when I was your friend, from getting rejected 12 times to hearing the plain ole truth about what your family members thought of me. I have been crying for years for you and because of you. You only started crying in September, but God knows how many times my heart broke over and over for the same person, and yes I was strong enough to cry on my own and deal with it on my own but I can’t do it on my own anymore .......becuase I got a piece of your heart in the months of March, April and May; so now it’s not just crying, it’s clinical depression, Paranoia from being followed in NYC and Trinidad (constantly looking over my shoulder to see if there’s a car behind me), para-suicide; god alone knows my thoughts. My therapist, fluxotein, my pastors, my family; everyone is rooting for me and I have to get better.

Your therapist thinks that’s normal behavior for me, she didn’t know what I had to go through months and months prior to act out in a way like that. NYC was my place to go because, it was where I healed after my moms death, and I know she would not have been proud of me after seeing my behavior, but that was me when I had given up on finding love because I was tired or being hurt by the same person over and over. I always told myself that you would watsapp, that you would call if you really meant everything that you was saying. But tumblr you and real you was never the same person.........It’s unfair to ask me to trust you on the same app that broke me in pieces; posting nudes ➡️ finding out your true real feelings for me on gentleman1212 ➡️ hearing the truth of what your family thought of me ➡️ homicidal posts towards me ➡️ threatening to posting my nudes again ➡️ then I was suppose to believe you loved me still ???.....

if I had only gotten a watsapp convo or a phone call or any real substantial evidence of you, I would have went to NYC and not indulge in any of that behavior.

Your therapist thinks I’m a hoe and I’m comfortable around men, thats the first time I did any of that exploring in NYC, and I can safely say that now both me and you have seen the all the videos; I never sucked a dick, kissed anyone or fucked anyone or been fucked. What would you have done if u saw me sucking a cock A ??...... I’ve never done that shit in my life worse yet swallowed someone cum.......beauty was the only cock I was willing to put my mouth inn and pleasure. I don’t fool around with random men in Trinidad and you know that, becuase if that was the case I would have been long gone. I would have given up on you since the moment you first rejected me; and started fooling around with people......And it’s not like I don’t have unlimited options, I have both girls and guys wanting me but I choose to not explore that part of me in this country. I went to a foreign country where I “thought “I was safe. You’ve sucked dick and swallowed cum; that’s something that I don’t think I would ever do with someone; especially the kind of things I used to talk about with you, when we used to sex talk. The reason I never came forth and told you when u asked me multiple times was because things were going too good and I didn’t want to ruin it, and I was afraid of the reality that I would lose you......and I thought that maybe just maybe you wouldn’t watch out those videos once I convince you and show you the real true side of me. Since 2017 till now I have spent about 400 thousand on you, from taking down my nudes to wiping brendon phone clean (becuase u was scared he had your nudes) to hacking and taking your pic down from Tbamboo blog to buying you gifts for your bday ....that drawing .....the rings.....bargaining with the company to obtain NYC footage........if I was a lying cheating cold hearted liar.......I would not have spent any of that money, because I don’t have an unlimited supply like you. Every cent I have I work for, so I may spend it wildly sometimes but I spend it on ppl that I think is worth it.........I don’t want to have any arguments with you, for the sake of my mental well being and yours .....I just want you to know that my heart has been breaking Waaaaayyyyyy before yours broke.

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kawaiibeela · 6 years

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2017 in review... i guess?

so i guess im gonna do this lol... its not really a review of my year but i will talk about a few major personal things over the past few months that happened to me, LONG LONG LONGGGGG POST UNDER THE CUT

a lot of people complained about 2017 being a shitty year, a continuation for 2016..... and i thought it would be too.... and thats how it started.... i was stuck in a crappy job for 6 years.... i wanted to leave so badly but i was also scared.... scared that what if i couldn’t find anything else? scared in my skills as a graphic designer.... i hated all my work and everything i produced from that job, i got comfortable at this job.... i could come and go as i pleased, i could take any day off i wanted.... but they were toxic people, they judged me very hard for liking the things i did, they were very negative about everything, they forced stuff on me that wasn’t part of my job, they made me feel very awkward, they would make “comments” about my religion when it didn’t fit their needs...it was very uncomfortable at times.... i would just lie to myself and to other people when asked “how’s work going?” i would say “not bad, its pretty good, i’m doing some fun events” but i was slowly drowning inside.... my parents and close friends would always tell me “you need to quit!!! just quit!!! find something better!! you’re better than this place” but i never believed it..... i never believed them..... when i should have been listening to them....

i started to tell myself, this is enough.... i cant deal with this place any more.... i started to work on my portfolio website.... but i hated it..... i hated everything about it..... everything in there just reminded me of my old shitty job that i hated... all this effort put into something that i hated... because i was forced to do what the clients wanted, it was frustrating!!

a few years ago, i went to this graphic design conference that was meant to help people find jobs, i went to a portfolio review and all 3 reviewers told me the same thing, the work i put in seem forced and not my style, they said to add stuff i was passionate about and stuff that i enjoyed and my work would speak for itself, every person that i showed my arashi posters too, said it was my strongest piece.... i should use that piece for sure!!

that helped me get a sense of what i wanted!! i deleted everything from my old portfolio site, except my logo which i actually still love, i kept 1 project from my old job which was the biggest and most challenging one i worked on to show that i have real life experience.

i decided to develop my arashi project into a full campaign, i added more pieces, i designed more stuff, for the fun of it.... every weekend for a while in the spring and summer, my friends and i were meeting up at cafes to help focus on stuff, i got a lottttt done there!!! i wanted to focus on stuff that was important to me, fandoms!! duh!! arashi of course, kiramune which had recently at the time become my new loves, and oldcodex!!! i decided to try and make designs based on them for fun!! i took kirafes 2017′s design and I remade it for myself, i imagined how i wanted the goods to look, i imagined how i wanted the posters to look, the pamphlet, and it took forever, but it was fun, it was frustrating but it was rewarding to come up with something i was proud of!! something i was happy about!! something that when i talked about it, i could explain what i wanted to and why i did certain things.

for the oldcodex stuff, i made an editorial piece, i wanted to reflect their personalities so i just kept trying different things until i was happy!! in the end it came out really great and i was able to do that piece pretty fast as well too!!

i also kept in my portfolio parts of a magazine that i had worked on.... but i wasnt happy with a lot of parts of that magazine too... so i made my own pages to “add in” about the olympics and they came out really nice!!

i was confident in my portfolio for once.... it took months and months of work.... but i was happy about it... i was proud of it.... i was excited about it.... but...... i was scared..... scared i wasnt ready for the next step.... what if i put all this effort into it and im still not good enough? how will i feel then? i also hate going to interviews because of my anxiety as well too....

but finally around the beginning of September, i was actually able to 100% complete my portfolio, my business cards and resumes were also complete...

and i was scrolling down on facebook... and one of my old friends posted something..... we were really close during college, we took graphic design together but as the semesters went on, we drifted apart as well too... it had been probably like 4-5 years since i’d ever talked to her even.... but she posted “looking for a junior graphic designer for a 3 month contract” and i kinda looked at that for a while... i messaged one of my friends about it and said “hmmmm...... my friend just posted this.... what should i do?” and she told me “just message your friend and apply!!! just do it” she gave me that push because she knew how much i hated my current job too!!

so i messaged my friend and asked her if she could submit my resume to HR.... and she did.... that was on friday.... i was scared.... and nervous.....but then... on a tuesday after work..... my phone rang and i got a call from the company..... its a photography company here in Toronto that has locations across Canada. they wanted me in for an interview.... a what??? wait what??? an interview???? they said they looked at my portfolio and were interested....... ehhhhh??? i was in shock..... but i was so happy too!! but scared..... the last interview i went on was like 2-3 years ago and it went pretty bad......... so i had no idea how this one would go..... the HR person was really nice though... she had told me that i would be interviewed by herself, the marketing manager and the art director.... i was scared as hell..... she gave me their names so i looked them up.... the art director........ he was so good..... his website was so nice!!! i started to lose confidence again but, its funny.... he was japanese.... i thought “oh crap, what if he tries to read parts of my portfolio?” i had used japanese interviews in my kiramune project but i couldnt find stuff for each member so i just copied and pasted, i thought “hes gonna know im just making stuff up” LOL I just kept thinking of useless thoughts in my head..... but i thought.... whatever.... im just gonna do it...... my interview was on thursday, i had called my old job and told them i couldnt work that day and they said it was fine because it was a really slow time... i obviously didnt tell them i was going for a job interview.... but i went anyways, i got there really early so i just sat somewhere and went over stuff i had planned for my interview, i had written stuff down in my journal and was gonna use that as a guideline for when they asked me questions, they asked some things similar to what i had planned but they asked some different stuff too... they were so nice.... throughout the interview they had kept complimenting my stuff, they said everything flowed very nicely and they really liked me work, they had asked me how i got interested in design and i answered the most face palming thing.... i mentioned anime... and i said i used to watch anime and pokemon as a kid and i dreamt of being an animator in japan and then i was like “oh no.... i didnt just tell them im a weeb did it?” and i was like “oh god, my life is over” haha i felt really embarassed ahaha oops LOL but then they were also really impressed by that answer too.... they asked if i had any retail experience and i told them i had experience working at this amusement park after high school too and it helped me deal with customers and stuff too... this was a job i had from like 10 years ago or something, it wasnt even on my resume any more, is just one of those jobs u get to make money.... like..... i thought nothing of it..... but they were SO EXCITED about it when i told them, they were like “wow!!! thats so great!!” they seemed so intrigued in everything i said!! the HR person was like “you seem very energetic!!” and i was like really happy!! no one really compliments me or my work usually haha XD

towards the end of the interview, they asked if i had any questions for them and i asked them 2 questions and they seemed really impressed too!! haha they were like “those are great questions” haha

at the end of the interview, i asked for their business cards so i could email them and thank them for taking time to interview me. they thanked me and the HR person said she’d be in touch the next few days

after the interview, i messaged my friend who had helped send in my resume and she said “just between you and me, they came upstairs and i think they really like you” omggg i felt sooo happy haha

on the way home, i remember getting really lost LOL it took me almost like 3 hours to get home i think XD i ended up finding a small japanese store that i bought a bunch of stuff from ahaha

so... i waited the weekend..... it was monday.... and i didnt hear from them.... tuesday went by and i didnt hear anything, i thought i must not have gotten the job, but then wednesday again, i got an email from the HR person, asking if i could email her 2-3 references... which i had none... so i asked 2 of my old coworkers from different jobs and they replied right away too because they also knew i hated my current job ahah so i sent my references and then on thursday while i was at work... i got a call from the HR person saying “i called both of your refernces and they both said wonderful things about you so we would like to offer you the 3 month contract position” like OMGGGG i almost screamed of joy!!! i was jumping up and down outside the office haha XD

i told this job that i would need 1 week to give my old job a heads up tho, so i could start on the following wednesday

but then i got scared again, i had to tell my current job i was quitting... i mustered up the courage and just told my one boss first, she was so happy for me, she gave me a hug and she wished me all the best too!! but then i had to tell the owner of the company and his wife, theyre both assholes so i didnt wanna tell them, but my 1 coworker helped me figure out how to tell them.... so i told them and they were unhappy but i told them id help for 1 last event (until the end of october) they appreciated that at least

so that following tuesday was my last day being in office at that crappy job i hated!!! i literally left there SKIPPING with a HUGGGEEE grin on my face!! i would never have to go back to that horrible place again!!! omg i was soooo happy!!!!

im getting tired of writing all this now LOL so im gonna fast forward a bit, but the new job was amazing, people there loved me and they were so appreciative of me, it was a huge 360 turn!!

i was working at this new place but then in the evenings id help at my old job by working from home, that was horrible, i couldnt deal.... after that last job at my old work was done, i told them i couldnt help out any more and theyd have to find a new designer.... after 6 years of working there.... 6 FRIKKEN YEARS!!!!!! i told them i was probably going to have my contract extended and i told her i was so excited and she messaged back saying “thats not good for us but anyway congrats” like WTF BITCH!!! I HELPED YOU OUT SO MUCH!! I WAS SO NICE TO YOU!!! GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE!!! I CANT EVEN WITH YOU!! LIKE OMG!!! i told her id send her files that i worked on and she replied 2 days later that she’ll download them later my last message to her was just “k” i was SO FUCKING DONE!!!! I HATE HER SO MUCH!!!

ANYYYYYYYWAYYYSSSSSSS...... fast forward another few weeks?months? my manager told me that she was able to get me to job full time..... FULL FUCKING TIME........ this was my first EVER full time job that related to my career, the old crappy one was never full time.... this is the first one ive had thats full time and ill get benefits and vacation and everything!! like OH. MY. GOD. i left work SOOOOOO happy!!! i actually CRIEDDDDD tears of joy!!! i couldnt believe it!!! i cant believe it!!! like omg!!! they all congratulated me!!! they were so proud of me!!! i was proud of me!!! i told my parents and i think for the first time in mine and their life, THEY were proud of me!!!! like it was amazinnnnggg!!! its still amazing!!!! we had a work lunch party and my manager was like “id like to take this time to officially tell you all that Nabeela is now full time with us” and they all raised their glasses and cheered to that too!!! like OMGGGG I WAS SO HAPPY!! (also hella embarassed since im still awkward af!!) but SO SO HAPPY!!!!

HONESTLY GUYS...... i am 30 years old now..... 30........ its NEVER too late..... nothing in life is set in stone..... no matter how 1 person does things, doesnt mean you have to be like them too....you can always do things at your own pace!!! sometimes things dont go as you imagine them but things WILL AND DO get better!!! things will be alright in the end!!! thats how i ended my 2017 and started my life as a 30 year old obaa-chan XD

theres a lot of goals and things id like to work on for 2018 but i hope 2018 will even better for me and all my friends, family and followers!!!

if any of you actually got through all of this, then im so sorry and also thank you so much for reading LOL to all my friends who supported me through this hard moment in my life, thank you very much!!

if any of you are curious about my portfolio, you can check it out at www.nabeelahamid.com ^__________^ thankssss!!! if any of you guys are designers too, tips or positive criticism is always welcome too!!

to all of my friends and followers who are already in 2018, HAPPY NEW YEAR AND I WISH NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR ALL OF YOU!!!!! and to those still in 2017 like me, lets bring in the new years together!!!

#personal rants #end of 2017 rant #HAPPY NEW YEAR

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lunarmoonacnh · 7 years

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i was tagged by the amazing @unhugme

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag!

THE LAST… 1. Drink: diet coke

2. Phone call: my mum

3. Text message: my best friend telling him goodnight

4. Song you listened to: Michael Jackson - Pretty Young Thing bc it was on the radio

5. Time you cried: like last night or the night before coz it was 2am and life

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: ive barely even dated someone once lmao

7. Been cheated on: yup...

8. Kissed someone and regretted it: no i dont think so

9. Lost someone special: yes, my great grandpa

10. Been depressed: yes, im currently seeing a therapist

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: yes! every time i drink unless its wine, for some reason wine doesnt make me sick. i think its because i once totally over did it on spirits and cider so not they just taste like the time i almost died and my body cant take it

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS:

12. grey

13. mint green

14. blush pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15. Made new friends: yes, i started college so i made new irl friends because of that and i have also mad new internet friends through this blog

16. Fallen out of love: kinda, depends how you look at it. i didnt know i had fallen out of love until the relationship had ended and i didnt feel as sad as i thought i would

17. Laughed until you cried: always, when i’m with my friends all i do is cry laugh

18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, it happens a lot, sometimes negative and sometimes positive

19. Met someone who changed you: yes, for good and bad.

20. Found out who your true friends are: yes, once i left school i knew who my real friends are because they are the ones who kept in touch and the ones who didnt do other things that they knew would hurt me

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: yess

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most, i dont know them all personally but i know of them all, no strangers for me

23. Do you have any pets: not at my house but we are getting our little puppy Sully in 14 days. i do have a cat and a dog at my dads house but i very rarely go visit

24. Do you want to change your name: no, i used to want to when i was a kid because i used to get bullied because i had a ‘boys’ name (Billie) but now i like it because its unique

25. What did you do for your last birthday: met my friends that i met on the internet that are now irl friends for a meal and to go shopping. we went for pizza and bowling and then shopping before they had to leave again:(

26. What time did you wake up: usually between 8am and 9am without an alarm

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i was actually sleeping for once if not i was watching youtube videos

28. Name something you cannot wait for: to get my puppy and to meet up with and have a party with my internet/irl friends again in summer

29. When was the last time you saw your mother: like 15 minuets ago befroe i came upstairs to do this

30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could control my anxiety and depression or even not have it at all. i also wish my dad would pay me more attention and want to see me more because i miss him and its almost like he forgets i was his first kind before he mt his new wife

31. What are you listening to right now: the 1975

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean i have a cousin name Thomas? but never someone just called Tom without it being shortened

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: life? no but like the fact that im not allowing myself to do the things i want to do out of pure fear

34. Most visited website: Tumblr of course... it is never off my browser

35. Elementary: ive honestly never wanted to go back to a time in my life more than i want to go back to elementary/primary school

36. High School: no thanks to that. i wish i could have been one of the people that called it the best years of their lives not 5 years of asshole bullying me

37. College/university: im commenting on this as England college (16-18 year olds) and ive just dropped out of one part (sixth from) where i was taking 3 subjects Media studies and Film studies which i loved and will miss and Psychology wich i did love but wont miss because i couldnt do it and it made my anxiety sky rocket. in september i start a makeup course and i am so excieted to be a qualified makeup artist this time next year

38. Hair colour: mousy brown

39. Long or short hair: long, like almost to my butt long (yes its natural)

40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes, but i could never pursue it bc he is my friend and i wouldnt want to ruin that. ive made that mistake with my ex.

41. What do you like about yourself: my eyes. they are grey and kinda ombre like they hae a really dark ring on the outside and they get lighter closer to my pupil

42. Piercings: yes, my first and second lobes on both ears, my helix and forward helix on my left ear. half way up my ear and my rook on my right ear and then my nose

43. Blood type: i have no idea, do people actually know this?

44. Nickname: Bil and B although i dont like B (pronounced like Bee) but its what my cousins have called my since i was really small so it doesnt bother me that much with them

45. Relationship status: extremely single

46. Zodiac sign: Aquarius

47. Pronouns: she/her

48. Favourite TV show: pretty little liars, it has just finished and now i am re watching it to find clues about A that i missed

49. Tattoos: no, but i have a couple planned

50. Right or left hand: right

FIRST… 51. Surgery: teeth removed they are the only ops ive ever had and will ever have to have touch wood

52. Piercing: ears

54. Sport: i danced as a majorette does that count?

55. Vacation: i honestly have no idea, i think i went to Devon though (its a place in the UK) all i know is my first holiday was during 9/11

56. Pair of trainers: probably like Nike Airs or something Adidas i have no idea

57. Eating: i actually know this bc my older cousin fed me a wham bar (a british, i think, chewy candy thing) when i was 3 week old, so i could have died the ifrst time i hate lmao

58. Drinking: i was 14, i know i shouldnt have been drinking because my mum made me promise her i wouldnt, but i remember being so drunk (idk if it was real or faked tbh) on alcopop thats right 4% alcohol and i probs had like 3

59. I’m about to: go get my cousins baby off his Nan so she can get his older brother from nursery

60. Listening to: idk if this is like asking the same as earlier? coz if so t]still the 1975

61. Waiting for: my friend to reply to me an tell me when he is taking me for coffee

62. Want: my dog

63. Get married: probs idk

64. Career: i dont have one rn but hopefully a makeup artist

YOUR TYPE… 65. Hugs or kisses: rn hugs i need to hug someone while i fall to sleep so bad its been so long

66. Lips or eyes: eyes

67. Shorter or taller: taller bc im also tall so i need someone taller than me (i dont need but i like a partner to be tall)

68. Older or younger: older, people y age are immature so any younger and i may as well spend my time with a 10 year old

70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i dont mind tbh

71. Sensitive or loud: both? not too loud though ya girl has sensitive ears

72. Hook up or relationship: relationship, im demisexual (it took me 17 years to figure that out) so hook ups aren’t my thing

73. Troublemaker or hesitant: it depends because i tend to be the cause of arguments and things because im honest but im not out there to cause trouble i just dont like to lie

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: no

75. Drank hard liquor?: yes, dont do it, its bad kids

76. Lost glasses contact/lenses: yes, i lose my glasses all the goddamn time

77. Turned someone down: yes, i always feel bad but you cant force feelings

78. Sex on first date: nope

79. Broken someone’s heart: not that i know of, i doubt it though

80. Had your heart broken: yes, again not fun

81. Been arrested: nooo

82. Cried when someone died: yes

83. Fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself: not always

85. Miracles: yes, the baby i spoke about earlier? yeah hes my miracle, he was born with a new strain of meningitis, he has had 3 lots of brain surgery (at a week old) and the doctors said it was a very low chance he would survive. he did 3 times. his heart also stopped 3 times, again he is here. he also had multiple surgeries on his joints, we got told he wouldnt walk but here he is at 16 months running around like a crazy person and loving life with his older brother

86. Love at first sight: i mean no, how can you fall in love with someone based off their face (no matter how many cute people you see on the street that you think you love, you probably dont)

87. Santa Claus: hes real in my house

88. Kiss on the first date: ive never been on a proper date so

89. Angels: yeah, i really love t believe in thse things because its cute

OTHER… 90. Current best friend’s name: im not saying their name coz idk if thats a good idea tbh

91. Eye colour: greyyy

92. Favourite movie: Tim Burtons Alice in Wonderland i just love his aesthetic and the story of Alice so put them together and you have a winner

ok i dont have 25 people to tag but i do tag @theflowerkingdom @kinkylildanny @creepyphantasia @imjustacanforallthephantrash and @dead-nightingale

if you are reading this and you want to do it, go for it and just say i tagged you!

#danielhowellsbooty

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thesupavix-blog · 7 years

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Loss.... more loss and Craig Brown. My worst best friend.

I’M BACK BITCHES! missed me? Well im not surprised really it’s been almost a year since I wrote one of these… as you can see from the title… it’s been a bit of a shit time.. so shit I couldnt even blog about it! Maybe I wasn’t ready?.. or maybe things just went wrong too fast and i couldnt keep up… yeah probably that one.

So… yeah… the last time I wanted to write a blog was back in September… my new job was amazing… everything was looking good for the Baker clan.. then cancer struck our family again… FUCK YOU CANCER! My mum was diagnosed with lung cancer that unfortunately had already spread to her stomach and brain… it was tough. We all knew the prognosis and we just had to find a way to get her as comfortable as possible… I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself… then one day a face from my past appeared on good old Facebook… I’d known this guy years ago… we worked together at my first job. He popped up at just the right time.. we got chatting and it was a nice distraction. I didn’t have to talk about my mum being sick.. he was just what I needed.. but then he asked to take me out… yeah.. no. I couldn’t go out with him with everything going on… so I explained about my mum and what was happening and he was fine about it… maybe this guy wasn’t so bad after all?… he’d message me every day to see how I was doing when mum was poorly.. (If you’re reading this… please know how much that meant to me!) We continued to talk.. and talk.. it was nice. He was nice. He’d still ask me to meet for a drink or a meal and i continued to fob him off because of all the crap.. at this point i knew that even if nothing happened he’d still be a good friend… but one night he just happened to be somewhere I had to walk past…. so I gave in and popped in for that drink… he wasnt a lot different to how I remembered him.. he carried himself well.. and still had that cheeky smile I remembered….. but we won’t get into that! He later asked me out again… and this time i thought sod it… What’s the worst that can happen?… (really vic?… you really had no idea?!… idiot) so he took me to the cinema.. to watch a super geeky film.. which I loved! Because.. well… I’m a Nerd. (That’s no secret!) All through the film his chair made a weird fart sound when he moved… I could tell he was embarrassed but it made me laugh.. he took almost the whole film to hold my hand.. which also made me laugh a bit.. I kept moving so he couldn’t… mean?.. yes. But he got it in the end. We had our first kiss in the cinema too… it was a bit awkward… but i knew I wanted to be kissing him.. there was no doubt. Not from my side anyway… I was like a super smiley freak for days after… every time his name popped up on my phone….. (sad I know) About a week later my friend Katie came home to visit… she wanted to see me as she couldn’t be there for me when I lost my mum… it was a tough time but I explained to her that I’d been talking to someone and we’d gone out… Katie being Katie took it upon herself to invite him out… CRINGE!! I was not prepared for that… as he walked in the door I couldnt help but smile.. but i still wanted to kick Katie!! Stupidly I assumed We would all just stay in the pub having a few drinks… but no. Katie asked if he wanted to go to town… and he said yes!! It was a good night… I felt bad though because he paid for us to have a VIP area… he didn’t need to! He didn’t need to impress me! I’m not the kind of girl anyone needs to impress… as the night went on… Katie invited lots of people we didnt know into our little corner.. I wasn’t feeling it tbh… I wanted to have fun bit i just kept worrying about her… so he suggested we leave… while outside we got chatting to people… (I wish we had just left. Because what happened next still kills me… it’s burned into my brain and after everything that’s happened in the past 7/8 months… I hear this conversation in my head like it was yesterday… the worst part is.. I don’t even think he remembers it) While outside the club a friend of mine *Simon* stops to talk… he makes some stupid comment and he gets angry and fronts up to Simon… I have to pull them apart and calm it down before the bouncers do!… I tell Simon to leave and he does and two girls approach to check im okay… they give him what for… because he shouldnt have started a fight with the lad. He apologised and i said i was fine… the next thing I know one of the girls is asking us if we’re a couple… (this is the bit i remember vividly so i shall quote it) Girl ‘are you guys a couple? You’re really cute together!’ Me ‘no’ Him ‘well i wouldnt mind….’ (In my head I was like WHAT THE FUCK?) He then proceeds ‘I’d like it to be more… I really like you, but i don’t want it to be anything unless you’re serious’…. now it may have been the vodka… wine and beer in my system but I believed him.. he said it in such a genuine way that how could I not?… At this point the girl grabs me and tells me I should say yes!! So I did…. and so begins the roller coaster ride that has been my life these past few months… That night was amazing… I’d finally found someone I trusted.. I could talk to.. and still in the back of my mind if things didn’t go to plan.. we’d be good friends no matter what. I was happy for the first time since losing my mum… and to be truthful since even before then. I’d probably already started to fall for him those weeks we had been talking… I knew he had kids… and he worked away a lot but he always made time to talk to me.. and I could tell him anything. Even if it was stupid. I hadn’t got work untill the afternoon the next day.. he stayed over and left early but came back a few hours later… we just snuggled on the sofa watching tv.. it was lovely.. he even took me to work. I don’t even remember most that day… I pretty much floated round on a cloud!!… the best bit was… and I may sound awful for this… I knew I wouldnt see him for a while… I knew he had his kids at the weekend and would be working all week.. all my previous attempts with guys ended because they didn’t like that I always worked… I don’t do clingy… I like to live my own life. Shit… this guy was perfect. 😂

Am I boring you yet?… haha yeah me too. Let’s skip forward a bit… Mr perfect is still Mr perfect.. talking every day… calling me while driving to and from places… You know when you think life is great… and nothing can bring you down… yeah… never trust that feeling. Because it can and it will bring you down. He decided that because he was going to have to move to Wales.. that we should end it.. he felt that settling in to his new house and making time for his kids was priority… and I respected that…. yeah it sucked… and I’d have preferred not to have that conversation over messenger but hey ho.. story of my life… he begged me to not hate him… I didn’t. He asked that we stay friends.. and said he didn’t want to lose me from his life…. I was happy with that. I knew I’d started to fall for him.. but I’d rather have him as my friend than nothing.

We were doing okay as friends… but he seemed a bit off… then it hit me… he’s obviously moved on.. which honestly hurt a bit… because apparently us ending things had nothing to do with him moving and asking time for his kids… not if he’d moved on already… (I wasn’t wrong.. but it took another week to tell me)…. but yeah I’m getting to that…

The next week or so we were getting back to normal.. it was coming up to Christmas.. we had movie nights.. we watched tv.. played chess and star gazed in the garden… he’d helped me decorate my Christmas tree.. so I was feeling pretty okay with my first Christmas without mum… We weren’t a couple but i was happy we could stay friends.. he’d pop up some nights to say hi or watch a film… and bring the odd take away for us to share… but he had to eat them himself because i was under the weather and couldn’t stomach a giant pizza with spicy wings as well!! How he isnt the size of a house is beyond me… we planned to meet up and swap Christmas presents as I knew he was away over Christmas.. (probably to be with his new gf although he never specified)….. I woke up one morning to my phone beeping… it wasn’t a sound I’d heard before… it was slightly confusing.. when i picked it up there was a notification on the screen [did you forget to input your period?] WHATTTTTT??????? As I frantically unlocked my phone and checked my period Callander I saw that I was 8 days over!!!! 8days!!!!!!! Fuck off!!… At this point i was already bricking it…. how could I tell him that?… no. I decided to wait until I was sure… I got some pregnancy tests… and waited for the next morning like they suggest… and boom. PREGNANT! I was numb… how the hell could this be happening to me… I lost my mum.. the guy I wanted… chose someone else…. and now.. I had to tell him he was gonna have another kid… I’ll be honest… it took me 2 days to tell him.. mainly because he hadn’t been on messenger to reply to any messages… so I waited till he contacted me… I felt weird.. how do I say this.. we’d not spoken like we used to for ages… and It had gotten to the point where I was genuinely scared he’d hate me (still not convinced he didn’t tbh)… so he popped up and replied to an old message… and I replied with we need to talk… I’ve been to the doctors. Thinking about it… I don’t rambert his response… I just know he was at my house within about 5mins…. I was sat on the floor… and he sat down in front of me… he already knew but he needed me to say it. I swear I saw his heart break…. I felt so guilty. It killed me seeing him like that.. It wasn’t a great day… he’d had some other stuff going on that I didn’t know about until after our chat… needless to say.. it just made me feel worse. He reassured me that he’d support me whatever happened… I believed him and then said he needed to go and sort out the other stuff he had going on… it wasn’t exactly how I saw our friendship going… but yeah… I guess we had to get used to it. I was pregnant and couldn’t get rid of it… this was our life now…

One thing that struck me in the weeks that followed… although we were finally getting back to how we had always been.. chatting constantly throughout the day.. dont get me wrong I wasn’t complaining… this idiot was slowly becoming my best friend. I could talk to him about my shit days at work and I’d listen to his stories about work and the kids… it was nice.. but we never discussed the whopping great elephant in the room.. we never talked about the baby. I kinda just carried on as I knew he had stuff to deal with and as much as it sucked I knew he wouldnt be around if he didn’t want to be…. or at least i hoped. As the weeks went on… I saw him less but we still talked… he still didnt ask about the baby… it made me sad but I figured if i was shitting myself im sure he was too… so I left it alone. One night he turned up after Christmas and new year (I was 7 weeks) and he just seemed a bit odd… like he wanted to say something but didn’t… I wasn’t expecting to see him due to the fact I was pretty sure he was seeing his new gf…. I didn’t push it. Eventually he explained that she’d been making digs about me and the situation and he had ended it… I was shocked. I didn’t really know what to say…. so we just watched tv.. he ended up staying that night too…. and boy am I glad… at around 1.45 in the morning I woke up needing the loo… like… i thought i was going to wet myself… as I ran from my bed into the bathroom before I could grab for the light switch I felt it all trickle down my legs… then I slipped and fell… I hit the radiator on the bathroom wall and slid down into the puddle… I heard him call out… he’d obviously heard the bang and asked if I was okay… it was then that I smelt it. Pennies. I hadn’t wet myself… it was blood… I started to cry and I heard him call again as he got out of bed.. I shouted to turn the light on… the next thing I remember is us both just there covered in blood… me sobbing and him hugging me asking what to do…. we both knew what was happening… I cried for him to get Sandra from next door. So he did…. the next few hours consisted of Sandra keeping me calm… him calling the paramedics… the paramedic looking at me like he felt sorry for me… and him having to hold me up in the shower before I got taken to hospital…. I’m going to sound really selfish now… but if he hadn’t been there what would I have done?… I couldn’t get up once I fell.. and I hadn’t taken my phone to the toilet…. who knows how long I’d have been there….. I digress…. He followed me to the hospital… and waited with me… he called my sister and let her know what was happening to me… and after they made us wait hours to be told I’d have to go back for confirmation of misscariage scan he helped me home and made my bed while I had a shower… he cleaned up any mess left and stayed with me until he had to leave for work…. I was numb. But he checked in on me and made sure I was okay…. despite the fact that in my very fragile state of mind I told him I loved him and he conveniently didn’t hear me… I knew I needed him in my life as my friend… he made me feel safe at the worst possible moment of my life… he didn’t have to do that. A few days later i woke to a call from him.. reminding me to get up for my scan.. it was a weird day.. he sounded optimistic on the phone.. he’d had a conversation with his mum and seemed to think there was a chance for the baby to be okay…. I let him be optimistic.. but i didnt buy into it. I knew what that was… it was all over. My sister took me for my scan… she was also weirdly optimistic I really wished they wouldn’t be.. I was heartbroken enough I didn’t need that added pressure. We eventually found the scan place… they made me pee on a stick before the scan.. after a miscarriage you can still test positive so I wasn’t really sure why I had to…. I went into the scan room.. I’d never had a scan in my life I was a bit scared… because I knew they just wanted to see if I needed a d&c to get rid of anything left over…. The woman doing the scan had a right miserable face… she’d had lots of women walk in to her room happy that day and all of them had come out crying…. even she was staring to lose the will to live… then suddenly her eyes widened…. she saw a heart beat…… My sister almost fell off her seat. I just kept repeating the phrase 'what the fuck?’ Over and over… I was still pregnant. Shit. I gotta bloody tell him again!!!!!

I tried to call him but he was working so I sent him a message saying there was still a heartbeat… he called as soon as he got it… it was a weird phone call. Nobody knew what to say.. there was a lot of awkward silence.

I was relieved everything was okay… but i was still scared… how was it going to do this on my own? When the dad barely mentioned it?… I didn’t doubt for a second that he would support us… I just couldn’t get my head round why we didnt talk about it. He mentioned it on occasions but in silly contexts… maybe to make me laugh like… I said my friend Kat was my favourite ginger… (him being ginger) placed his hand on my belly and said…. 'she doesn’t mean that!’ Or after sleeping with me 'at least i cant get you pregnant!’….. thats not even funny. But you know i was just glad he acknowledged the baby…

In February it was time for my 12 week scan… I was scared and excited.. I’d had other scans as I’d had bleeding on and off.. I’d seen baby but this was the proper one.. I really wanted him there… he said he’d try. He wasnt there… I’d told him when it was… I hadn’t heard off him… I just assumed he was busy with work. Baby was wriggling away… everything was good!! I could finally relax…. A bit later on he messaged me asking how my day had been…. had he actually forgotten??…. was i just over thinking?… he then proceeded to tell me how he’d left early from where he’d been working (like he said he would to make the scan) and gone to collect his new car!! I was hurt…. but i couldnt even tell him I was… did he really care that little?… I said I was tired and was off to sleep… I then sent over the scan pictures and said I’d forgotten to send them earlier…. He responded with sad faces…. FUCKING SAD FACES??…. why are you sad? I asked why he was sad… did he not want to see? And he replied with 'of course I wanted to see… I’m just gutted you didn’t let me know’

Now… for the record… I’d sent him the letter with the date… he told me he had meetings in Cardiff but would try to rearrange them.. and the week before I asked if he knew if he was free on the 9th… he then told me he was in London but would leave early in the morning to be there….. as you can imagine I was pretty angry…. but me being me… put it down to a misunderstanding…. hormones or not… I was upset by this… am i wrong to be? But somewhere deep down… I love this idiot and let it slide… because I don’t want to fight… or fall out.

I just wanted to get through this pregnancy with as little upset as possible… unfortunately… that wasn’t to be.

At week 13 I had more bleeding… a friend took me to Worcester where I had another scan… baby was fine… fingers and toes in tact. Wriggling away… lady doing the scan said i needed to stop being so paranoid… I was calm and relaxed that week… and was happy with baby’s progress… At 14weeks I was chilling at home in bed listening to music when I suddenly needed a wee…. as I sat on the toilet there was this gush…. I wasn’t weeing yet… what the hell??… I caught some of it on the tissue.. it was clear… Definitely not wee… WTAF? I called my midwife who said i needed to go to A&E….. she thought my waters had broken… I had no pains.. just that. I was up at hospital for a fair while… they checked me over and my cervix was closed tight so they booked me in for a scan the following week… at 15 weeks… I went for my 5th scan…. usually by now you’ve only had your 12 week scan… the lady seemed irritated that I was there again… untill she saw the image…. she informed me that I’d lot most of my amniotic fluid… I had my brother in law with me… but i wanted him there!!! I was so scared… I didn’t know what all this meant… They sent me through to see a nurse who informed me that baby was fine but I’d have to have a scan every week to check on the fluid… as baby needs that to develop… Over the next few weeks it was a matter of go for a scan… let him know how it was all going…. I really just wanted him there with me… but i knew his job was important. I was due to move house… I was on strict instructions to take it easy… drinking 8 pints of water a day to help bring up my fluids for baby… I didn’t know what was going to happen…. nobody did.

Fast forward a few weeks… 19weeks pregnant… I went to Worcester for a scan… and although the my waters had been going up… this week they’d dropped again.. but baby was still hanging on… and fighting. Little tough nut like mummy and daddy!! Baby was still growing… things looked good. I went for lunch with friends and celebrated their birthday… I couldn’t wait to get home… put my feet up and talk to him… tell him everything was good. We had 1 more week untill we were classed as in the clear and they could offer treatment to baby if needed…. I decided to go get ready for bed… even though it was only 6.30 in the evening… but when I went to the loo… I felt something strange… I knew what it was… I could tell… I called my sister in a panic who told me to call 999…. my sisters got there before the ambulance.. once the paramedics got in… I described what I felt and before I knew it.. I was being blue lighted to the hospital. On the way I listened to them on the radio… they called it a prolapsed cord… I wasn’t in labour but if the cord was out baby was at risk… everything else is a blur… I didn’t have my phone… I needed to call him. He needed to know! I needed him there. My sister messaged him for me.. and he said he was on his way…. I don’t even think it took him long… but before he got there they did a scan… I knew before they said it… there was no heartbeat. I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.. I saw all my sisters hearts break as they looked at me.. the pity in their eyes… this was meant to be our families little bit of goodness after everything we’d been through…. I was numb. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t talk… and suddenly I didn’t want him there… I didn’t want to tell him that! Classic vic… more worried about someone else than herself…. The midwife told him before letting him in to see me…. he didn’t say a word as he walked through the door… or at least i dont think he did… all I could see was the pity in his eyes…. he felt bad for me… As usual… something bad happens to vic… poor vic. Seriously universe….. PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE NOW!!! I cannot take any more. He may have said something to me as he came in for a hug…. but i dont remember anything… I just remember the bubbling feeling as he held me… the tears bubbled up from every part of my body… I couldn’t hold them in any longer… He was finally there. But it was too late… Our baby was gone. Our baby was still a secret to most people and now there was no secret anymore…. The midwife came and explained that they were going to induce labour… I was hooked up to a drip… and they’d increase it every few hours to start contractions…. I had a few belly aches in the night but nothing major… he went for a sleep and came back just in time to hear me crying from the pains… he held my hand.. he looked after me… he didn’t need to but he did. (Again..if your reading this… I appreciate that! More than you’ll know) By the morning it was pretty clear that my body was not going to go into labour.. so they changed the medication… at this point it was just me and him… I spent most the time worried he was going to get into trouble for not going to work… and then the pain started… he called the midwife for painkillers… it eased a bit… but then came back worse… the midwife said it wouldn’t be long… i kicked him out so she could check me over… she then said it was time and I needed to push… I was already crying from the pain… but then suddenly this sound came from me… I didnt know i was capable of that sound.. he appeared in the door way… he said he was coming back in.. I was glad!! I knew what that sound was… I had realised that’d I would hear my baby cry… I’d never see their smile… and I’d never feel their warmth!! It broke me… I sobbed.. all I could do was sob… he reassured me i was doing good… as did the midwife.. I didn’t feel like I was doing okay… I felt like a failure! Like I’d done something wrong and caused all this!! I felt like I’d let my baby down… like i wasnt good enough to be a mum. Once the baby was out… and I thought i could relax… things seemed to go from bad to worse… the after birth hadn’t come out.. I was bleeding and hundreds of people came rushing in… I went from heartbroken to terrified in a split second… everything was hazy from the gas and air… I knew he was still holding my hand… I could vaguely hear him telling me I was okay…. but it was bad. Everything was going dim… I could hear them saying I was bleeding and it wouldn’t stop… they mentioned surgery… suddenly I couldnt feel his hand in mine.. some blurry doctor was ramming another cannula in my hand… the pain woke me up a bit… they put a mask over my face and said I’d feel sleepy… I could feel my heart beat in my ears… every time I blinked the room got darker… his face appeared over me… I felt better… he was the only person in that room I knew… I was scared… I felt safe knowing he was still here… the stuff in my mask was burning my nose and throat.. I sneezed… I felt my stomach turn over… I kept trying to tell them I was going to be sick… finally someone heard me and let me sit up a bit and gave me a bowl… suddenly the room was less noisey… the after birth had come out… (one way to do it! Sorry TMI) I didn’t need to be rushed to surgery… I don’t remember much else… I think he told me my sisters were here… then I dont really know…maybe I passed out… or fell asleep. I was so tired.

The next think I remember is waking up and seeing him… just sat in the chair next to me… he was talking to my sister’s who were scattered around the room… I don’t remember having much conversation… they let me rest for a while… and then the midwife asked if I wanted to meet my baby…. it was a weird feeling… They brought in a cold cot… and in the cot was the most tiny… yet perfectly formed baby. We called her Terry Hope. I chose Terry because my dad called my mum that… and he picked her middle name Hope. She had my mums hands… and his family nose.. and my niece’s mouth… she was beautiful. It was even more heartbreaking. I was in hospital for a week… he stayed with me… and Terry stayed in the room with us in the colt cot. It was weird. We both woke up in the night and checked on her…. I don’t know why. We just did. I honestly don’t know what I’d have done without all my family and him that week… They kept me going.

The hardest day was saying goodbye to her at hospital. He’d had to go back to work the day before and I’d got 2 friends with me… I didn’t say much on the way home… I just cried silently to myself…

I had so many visits from people in the next week or so… that I honestly didn’t know how to act… I kept strong around people… but even 5 minutes alone I’d break down and cry….

I’m so greatful for everyone’s support… I don’t think I could have done this without them.. He was a God send. Yeah I’m aware that some people reading this are wondering why I’m not using his name… well… he’s super important to me… we’re not together but I love him dearly and if those reading this don’t know him then what does it matter…. all they need to know is that he’s a good person… he supported me where he could.. and that’s all anyone needs to know.

Yes… we’ve spent a lot of time together this past month… and from the outside it’s seemed confusing. We will always be connected… we had a baby together. We brought her into this world together… and we buried her and said goodbye together…. He’s more like a best friend to me… and hopefully I am to him too…. I just want him to know that despite all our ups and down.. and things not working out between us.. or with Terry… I’m glad this happened with you.. someone I have history with. Someone that as much as you’re a dickhead 9 times out of 10… you were there for me. The end. Well Craig... I'll be honest.. you offered me little to no support.. and I didnt hate you for that.. you were my friend.. but you have ruined it.. I'm so so disappointed in you..maybe one day you'll realise what a bad friend you've been and maybe one day we can rebuild our friendship but untill then I guess this is goodbye.. 💔.

I’m still not 100% at the moment…. And although it’s taken a while… I’m seeing all the things I’m struggling with… I spend time with my sisters and their kids… and I’m fine. I then realise that I don’t get to do that with mine… and it hurts. It’s that heartbreak all over again. I hope I get used to it…. because I doubt it’ll go away… I just need people to be patient with me… if i randomly start crying… or randomly go off radar…. it’s just how im feeling right now. I miss my baby girl every day… I see her in the faces of my sisters kids and it kills me.. I’ll never forget you beautiful girl. 381 ♡ And I cannot take any more loss…. I lost my mum… got dumped by 'Mr perfect’ 😂… got pregnant… lost my baby… and her dad moved miles away… my life is not easy… but I’m surviving. I think.

Peace out Bitches. ✌ SupaVix

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miraculoustrashblogger · 7 years

Text

Season of Miracles Chapter 9

So. It’s been nearly a month since I updated. A lot has happened in this time. A few days after I posted the last chapter, I secured an apartment. I’ve been meaning to get my own place since September, and it finally happened. So I’ve been trying to pack, when I’m not busy with work and a million other things.

I then was struck with writers block, and I have found it incredibly difficult to move past it. My depression reared its ugly head and I couldnt get anything done besides eat, sleep, work, repeat for about 2 weeks.

And then the worst happened. My sister-in-law finally went into labour, and her son, my nephew, was born at 5:24am on January 17th, and pronounced stillborn at 6:15am. The funeral is this Sunday, and preparations and mourning and lots of visits to my brother have further consumed my time and energy.

So here is chapter 9, at long last. It’s short. It’s not my best. But I don’t think I will ever be satisfied with it. I’m moving in a week, I have barely any packing done, I am exhausted, I have 3 more work shifts, a new job to find, a rental truck to arrange, and so much more.

I don’t know when the next chapter will come out. I’m not even going to make a deadline, because clearly, my life hates them.

Chapter 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 X 10 11 12 13

AO3

Still Christmas eve

“Hello, Monsieur Agreste.” Marinette smiled. “Please, come in. Merry Christmas!” “Thank you.” He said, nodding as she backed up to allow him in.

Adrien's jaw was on the floor, as was Nino's. Alya noticed, and nudged them both.

“Father, you're here! I thought you were supposed to be in Milan?” Adrien stood up from his seat. He was happy to see his father, but he was shocked. He hadn't a clue this was happening.

“I postponed all of my meetings for after the holidays. Miss Dupain-Cheng was kind enough to extend an invitation, and I decided it would be rude of me to not attend. Of course, I realized I had not R.S.V.P.'d, so I hope you'll excuse my unexpected appearance.”

“That's no problem at all!” Sabine spoke up. She seemed to have shaken off her surprise, but being the ever-ready hostess, she got up to greet him. “We were just about to eat dinner, if you'd like to come and join us.”

Gabriel gave a small smile. “That would be lovely. First, I need to go grab something from my car, however.”

Adrien walked over to his father. “I'll help!” He had a few questions, and he decided he might get more honest answers without an audience.

“Thank you, Adrien.”

As Adrien and Gabriel headed down to the car, while the rest of the party arranged the table to squeeze him in.

“Father, did you really reschedule everything to come?”

Gabriel was silent for a moment. “It was heavily requested by most of the other members of the companies to postpone.” He admitted. “When half of them expressed their displeasure at being dragged away from their families and swore not to attend, I was forced to realize I had been running away from my own. Of course, getting scolded by your friend was certainly jarring.” He chuckled.

Scolded? Alya wouldn't have dared. He thought. Nino wouldn't even make it past the gate. So that leaves... “Marinette yelled at you?” Adrien said, surprised at first. The more he pictured it, though, the more he could see it actually happening.

“Indeed. She reminds me of your mother, actually. Sweet and kind, but if someone ever earned her ire...” He chuckled, pulling a few bags out of the trunk.

Adrien laughed with him. Sounds about right, Marinette is a real spitfire sometimes...

Carrying everything back up, they rejoined the party. Gabriel pulled out a bottle of wine, and handed it to Sabine and Tom. Usually it was considered rude to provide wine unless you were the host, so Sabine and Tom accepted it cautiously. This was either an insult to their choice in wines, or a very poorly made decision.

“Montrachet, Grand Cru, 2006...” Tom read off the bottle. Adrien didn't know much about wines, but he knew enough to know that that was a well-respected brand. Tom seemed blown away. “Comtes Lafon? You must have spent a fortune on this!” He ran a hand through his hair. “I-It's a very kind gesture, but surely there must be a better occa--”

“I insist we drink it with dinner tonight.” Gabriel interrupted. “I purchased it three years ago, and it has been sitting in my wine cellar ever since. I think it's time to open it.” Gabriel offered a kind smile.

Adrien looked at the bottle. He remembered when they got it. It was one they had bought to open for Christmas the year his mom disappeared. Adrien felt hopeful that this gesture was a good sign.

Tom and Sabine looked at Gabriel, and then each other. Slowly, they began to smile back.

“Well, then.” Tom said. “I suppose I should find a bottle opener.”

While Tom rooted around in the kitchen, everyone else settled into their seats.

Nino looked very nervous, like he was waiting for Gabriel to notice his presence, sneer at him, and leave. Gabriel's eyes roamed the room, pausing on each person, including Nino, but no sneering or storming out occurred.

Tom opened the bottle of wine and began serving everyone a glass.

Marinette, being the daughter of award winning bakers, had tasted a wide variety of wines, paired with a wide variety of foods. She was hard pressed to find a wine she liked, she found most just left an aftertaste of the fermentation on her tongue. When she tried this one, she was unsurprised to find it was not an exception, despite the fact that it was quite flavourful besides. Still, she swallowed down her distaste and made no comment. It was an expensive gift, and it would be rude not to accept it with grace.

The group settled at the table and passed around the platters of food, doling out servings and chatting.

Marinette stood, gently tapping her fork against her wine glass to get everyone's attention.

“A toast!” She said. “To Family, friendship, growth, and a prosperous new year! Merry Christmas!” She smiled.

“Merry Christmas!” Everyone around the table replied, clinking glasses together. Even Gabriel seemed happy, and gave a reserved smile.

They quieted down a little as they ate, only pausing to compliment the food.

When the meals were done, they all worked together to clean up the dishes and food. Everyone was a little surprised when Gabriel volunteered to wash the dishes, and Adrien quickly stepped up to dry them. Marinette stepped in line beside them and put away the dishes. Nino and Alya helped Sabine divide up the leftovers into containers, and Tom disappeared down into the bakery. Everyone was finishing up as Tom reappeared carrying a large Buche de Noel.

They served up the cake, and there was utter silence as everyone bit into the dessert.

Nino spoke through a mouthful of food. “Papa Tom, this is amazing! I think it's even better than last year!” Marinette nodded in agreement.

“I wanted to try something a little different, so I'm glad you like it.” He smiled.

“What did you do differently?” Marinette asked.

He winked at his daughter. “Can't give away all my secrets, now can I?”

Marinette humphed, but let it go. She'd pester him later.

Dessert done, it was time for Alya and Nino to go. The friends hugged, passing around thanks and Merry Christmas's, as Alya and Nino loaded up with their things to head downstairs.

Gabriel, now noticing the instruments as Nino packed them away with care, looked curious.

Sabine, never one to miss a thing, lit up.

“You didn't get to see them play!” She gasped. “Honey, where did your phone go?” She turned around looking for it. Tom picked it up from the side table he had placed it on, and handed it to his wife. She pulled up the video of the teens musical performance, and held it up for Gabriel to see.

As she hit play, the sound of the piano and violin's introduction began, softly playing through a few bars, before Alya and Marinette began to sing. Unknowingly, Gabriel's jaw dropped ever so slightly. He had seen his son play before, but it had been a while since he had attended a recital. The girls voices blended beautifully, but the thing that surprised him the most was Nino. He had not expected the brash, uncultured boy to play as well as he did. The idea of him even picking up a classical instrument seemed like it should have been a foreign concept, but clearly it was not. The boy was talented.

“Papa, is everything okay?” Adrien's question interrupted his thoughts. The video had ended, but somewhere along the way, Gabriel had taken the device to hold himself. Gabriel felt something on his cheek, and wiping it away discovered it was a tear. He pretended not to notice, and cleared his throat.

“I'm sorry I missed your performance.” He said, handing the phone back to Sabine. “I imagine it was even more beautiful in person.” He put his hand on his son's shoulder.

“There'll be another chance. Now that I know Nino plays the violin, I'm going to make sure we play together more often!” Adrien chuckled.

Gabriel let his hand fall to his side. “I suppose I should be leaving. Adrien, are you staying here tonight?”

The boy looked to the hosts questioningly. “Uh...”

Tom answered him. “You are both welcome to stay the night. Mr. Agreste can take the guest bedroom, and Adrien can either take the sofa, or Marinette's chaise. It won't be ideal, but we could make it work. If you decide you would prefer to go home, though, that's okay. You'd still be welcome to come back in the morning for Christmas.”

Gabriel seemed to ponder the options.

“If you'll have us, perhaps we will both stay the night then. The manor does seem very empty sometimes.” He smiled at his son, and Adrien smiled back.

So, there it is. I have a lot of work ahead of me to do, so I can’t make any promises on when the next chapter will be out, but here’s hoping my life will calm the eff down, my depression will go the eff away, and that I can get my shit together.

Redfox out.

#MLB:SOM #season of miracles #miraculous ladybug #MLB #adrinette #marichat #ladynoir #ladrien #alya cesaire #marinette dupain cheng #sabine dupain cheng #tom dupain cheng #nino lahiffe #adrien agreste #gabriel agreste #djwifi #redfox writes fanfic

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