God damn it, it will never not be funny that Orpheus died by Dionysus. Like some of you don’t know that about him, but Orpheus went around singing tragedies after his Eurydice was sent back to the underworld until Dionysus finds him and he gets literally ripped to shreds by Dionysus’s rabid girl gang. Like I’m not making this shit up that is genuinely how he dies in a lot of stories and just for context let me explain to you just how bonkers this is.
I like to think that Dionysus just got tired of the sadness. He was like “Listen uh... half nephew? Whatever. I’m all for art and intense emotions, but you’re ruining the vibe. Like no offense, but your music made Daniel over there jump off a cliff and like. That’s not cool, y’know? So um. Tell your lover high when you get down to Dead Land, k? Also go tell Hades to go fuck himself okay bye bye” and then he just sat back quietly sipping his juice box and watching the fireworks as Orpheus get torn apart.
But the best part, the best part that I love more then anything, is that Dionysus... Dionysus himself pulled an Orpheus? before Orpheus??? Like its easy to look at this and be like “clearly he is teaching Orpheus the folly of his ways and thats why he killed him” but thats not true because Dionysus did the exact same thing. Like his wife Ariadne got killed so he went strolling into the underworld and not only did he return her to life and make her a goddess, he brought his mother back aswell. Just. Just cause. He felt like it.
So this story is a lot less “a god punishes a mortal for the folly of his ways because the mortal was wrong” and more... ya boy was just. He was just bored? He was just fuckin’ bored. Dionysus is like “trust me kid I get the feelin’ but you couldn’t pull it off so you’ve just gotta accept that, you know? Nice job. You get points for trying. Not everybody can effortlessly stroll into the underworld and come back with their loved ones, its not your fault. Persephone vouched for you and convinced the old Bastard to give you a chance, but you blew it, y’know? Not everybody gets to be as awesome as me, no hard feelings. Here’s a participation trophy for your efforts, catch ya on the flip side, have a nice afterlife.” Like pfffffffffft this guy is great, absolutely hilarious, 10/10. Dionysus was the first comedian I don’t take criticism its just facts.
Idk man if I told a nerd to sing and he sang a song about how soft I am for my wife and how much I love to sing little ditties, in front of everyone who works for me, I would be embarrassed enough to give him an impossible task too
Hermes had never been one for Father’s Day. Growing up, it had always been just him and his mother, and she was pretty hell-bent on making sure they didn’t need a man around to provide. It worked, too. But sometimes, Hermes wished he knew what a father was like, just so he could be one for Orpheus.
Did you think there would be some sentimental thing about wanting a father at the end of that sentence? Because if you did, you obviously don’t know Mr. Hermes very well. He wasn’t a romantic like his godson. He loved Orpheus, sure, but he tried to be pragmatic about it. That included showing him around the bar, letting him know what he could and couldn’t touch until he was older (pretty much everything was in the latter category). It included very thorough background checks of the friends he brought over (Perseus was a nice boy, Jason not so much). And it included being mother and father in Calliope’s place.
Oh, Calliope. It wasn’t the worst fate to be left with a godson, all things considered, but did she have-
“Mr. Hermes! Mr. Hermes, I made you something!”
Orpheus came running into the room. He was already tall for his five years, with a wiggly front tooth and brown hair that would darken as he aged. He held a folded piece of paper in his hand, and his shirt was covered in red something-or-other.
“We made them at school,” he said, breathless. “Here, I made it for you!”
“Well, that’s very nice, Orpheus, I-”
Hermes let out a gasp. Inside was a little picture of Orpheus and himself. He couldn’t quite tell what they were doing, but the caption in the corner was what really sold it:
For Father’s Day, to Mr Hermees
For being the best dad ever
“Do you like it?”
Hermes was not a sentimental fellow. But for now, he could let that reputation slide.