If I'm quiet for a few days/a week it's not cause I'm bored or leaving.
My apartment's fucking roof is caving in. So... dealing with some stuff. Be back soon!
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just a sleepy boy girl in a sleepy boy world
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Coming to terms with the fact that you will never have a relationship (platonic or romantic) where you both are eachothers first choice for things is devastating. I was born into a world without my consent and I've lived my life at the back of the line, hearing countless stories about someone like me finding "the one" and finally feeling whole, finally being chosen and valued, and it sounds so. Fucking. Nice.
And then I realize that there's sex tied to that. Something I don't want. And I realize that I will never be enough. That in order to have that I have to give away a part of me. And that even if I don't ill always feel lesser for it. No matter what I choose I'll always feel lesser.
And then I realize I don't even really want a relationship at all. I just want to be loved. I want to be wanted. Not in a romantic or sexual way but just in a ME way. I want to be a wanted presence. I want someone to want me around just because I'm me and I want them to want me around more than they do most people. And I know that's selfish and stupid and whatever the fuck you wanna call it but I've never been wanted in my life. And I want, for once, to have a seat saved at the table, next to someone who loves me as I am and who wants me to be there with them for as long as I can. Just like I do for them.
And I know it's like "oh Milo you can get a QPR!" Okay. No. I can't. I've only met 2 people in my life that have made me genuinely want to spend forever with them and I know for a fact neither of them would choose me first if it came to it. One because she has her boyfriend, who she says is the closest bond she has. And the other because he's genuinely way to fucking cool and has a lot of really good close friends who he would (and should) choose over me in a heartbeat. And it's fine! Like I get it, and I would never say that they can't or shouldn't choose someone else over me, it just hurts. It hurts that I'll never get what so many people get. That I'll never feel what so many people feel. It's devastating knowing that I can never love myself and that no one else is going to either. Idk. It just fucking sucks.
On another shitty note: got the results back from my mental health screen and they said that they couldn't diagnose me cuz they thought I was exaggerating my problems, and so therefore did not believe my answers to any of the questions were valid. Fucking sick, can't believe I failed an unfailable test. I'm killing it. Or I guess I'm killing something anyway. Hahahaha.
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im feeling. special tongiht.
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Lol maybe tmi but it's Tumblr
Lol sorry friends I have personal irl connections with and have spent more than 3 years with them
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