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#hamnoir

A non power au for hamnoir where noir is a detective still and Ham is a reporter with his genius daughter Peni

  • Ham’s name is Pier Porker and Peni is Peni Porker (they are both Japanese in this since we don’t actually know Ham’s ethnicity as he is a pig)
  • Noir has the form of color blindness where you can’t see colors at all
  • To make things easier for him, his mentee Jr. Detective Gwen and her friend Miles help him with clothing shopping (and he asks them to always pick him black, white and grey clothing so that he doesn’t have to worry about figuring out which shades of grey are supposed to match)
  • Peter B and Noir are cousins (that’s why they share names), but everyone in their family and all of their friends call him Noir as a joke with his fashion and detective job
  • Ham’s nickname in his family was Ham because they ran a butchers shop (because I think it’s funny)
  • Hamnoir meet when Ham is running an article on one of Noir’s cases and right away Ham’s upbeat and goofy personality drawls Noir in
  • They meet by chance a few more times with Ham’s articles and him randomly showing up at Noir’s crime sites
  • Ham is one of the only people able to see right through Noir’s grim persona to his sentimental side and he decides to make a move and ask him on a date
  • While they are dating, Ham just falls even harder for Noir after seeing the way he treats Peni like a princess
  • When Noir finally tells Peter B about his new boyfriend he gets super excited
  • “Noir, I used to work with Pier!!!”
  • Peni loves her new dad
  • Gwen and Miles become best friends with Peni and work together to set up elaborate dates for the lucky couple
  • They of course eventually get married and Peni is the flower girl
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A Year in Review of Ships 2019

Last year I made a master post that was waaay too long, so this year I’m just showing it in images. Saves time and work.

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Hey man, what’s the matter,
What’s he doing standing up there shaking like that?
Ah, well the boys are gonna tell you what to do.
Listen to ‘em.

Song is Dramophone by Caravan Palace! I saw that one post about Spider man noir falling in love with a 1930 radio talkshow host that sounds suspiciously like John mulaney and I introduce to you Cunningham, the only man alive who’s managed to grab an interview with The Spider-Man— 

caleb-crow
caleb-crow
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Anybody who likes Spider Man Into the Spider Verse and ships something “problematic” please follow me!

I ship polyverse (they all dating and all bi)

Peter b. Parker x Spider-Noir x Spider-Ham

HamNoir / NoirHam (Spider-Noir x Spider-Ham)

Miles x Gwen x Ganke

My main ship is HamNoir tho, if there is a discord server for it plz plz plz message me cause I’m gonna die if I don’t get it.

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Since Spiderverse won (hell yeah!!) could you maybe give us some celebratory noirham HCs??

Oh god, okay, this is months late, but my current favorite is that Ham tusks periodically (the tusks may or may not drip spider venom) and needs to go into the dentist to have them filed down. It’s not exactly painful, but it’s uncomfortable as hell and he’s not good with dentists on the best of days so he usually opts to be loaded up with the good stuff.

Inevitably, Noir needs to carry him home and keep an eye on him so he doesn’t try to climb the walls and then fall off them. 

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No more hamnoir?

I was working on a mini comic for an anon asking when did Noir start to like ham, but I never finished it :x

I should definitely get back into that and finish it once and for all tho 👁👁

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