#happily listening to my podcast again

[ante--meridiem]

Due to the ask I got earlier today it is time to restate that while I am very much enjoying critical role I anti-recommend it to anyone else.

#@time-and-water idk what's making you consider it but if it's my posts: please reconsider #I had a character burrow their way into my brain but you can still avoid this #Listening to cr2 #But also. If you *are* going to start I don't think the origin comics are a particularly good place to do so #I am on the comic because again: particular character burrowing in brain #But yeah. I have podcasts I happily will recommend. This is not one of them. #*the episodes are four hours long and there's over a hundred of them and they are meandering you do not have to subject yourself to this*

[gimmeurtmi]

stray kids and… things they only share with you.

tags: ot8, established relationships, fluff

warnings: swearing, lowkey angst for han, i don’t actually know the gender of min’s cats okay, idk if there’s anything else?

notes: this is my first time doing an ot8 thing so feedback is appreciated <3 also idk if they’re the same length i just wrote lol

chan… headphones

you’re on chan’s bed, a book in hand as you read while chan works. quality time is very important to you, even if he is observed in his work and doesn’t say much while you’re reading.

every now and again he’ll get up for a drink and silently put one by your side, too. when he’s done something he’s specifically proud of he’ll let out a giggle and maybe clap his hands, instinctively turning to you with a smile even if he doesn’t stop to explain what made him happy.

if you’re feeling a little more touchy that day, he’ll happily let you wrap your arms around his shoulder as his focus remains on his work. he’ll let you pepper kisses on his cheek, blushing lightly, before you get bored and go back to your own work.

when he’s done making something he really likes he turns to you with a grin.

���mate,” he says, face beaming. “mate!”

“come on,” you say, marking your place in your book before putting it aside. you extended your hand to him, and he grabs the headphones he’s been using and hands them to you.

you place them securely on your head and nod at him, ready to listen. chan plays the track for you, finally resting his head on your shoulder.

he wraps his hand around your bicep, closing his eyes softly as he picks up the very faint sound of the track playing through the headphones.

when it’s done you smile down at him, ready to praise him, but his mouth is open—soft breathes leaving his lips, and so you know he’s asleep.

instead you connect the headphones to your spotify and listen to a podcast while you rest your eyes. you don’t dare move, just in case chan might wake up from the disruption.

you know he might scold you for not waking him up, but it’s almost three am—and by what you’ve just listened to it’s safe to say he finished the track, so there’s no reason he shouldn’t be allowed to sleep after his hard work.

you let yourself fall asleep as well once the podcast you’ve been listening to is over, carefully putting the headphones to the side as you know how important they are to chan.

the first time he let you use them you gasped, but he insisted since you left your pair at home and wanted to listen to music while studying without bothering chan’s concentration.

“i have a lot of pairs anyway,” he said calmly, “borrow them whenever you need.”

minho… cat snacks

you both sit on the floor of his parents’ house, full from the dinner minho cooked for you and his family. you were talking about your new neighbour who you swore had a pet wolf. minho kept saying it isn’t a wolf, that he even spoke to the man and it’s just a cross breed.

you insist it’s a wolf.

his father sides with him, saying that would have to be illegal, but before you can offer your argumatives points, dori walks over to you, sits in your lap, and starts meowing loudly.

“he really is just like you,” you say to minho. he cocks his head to the side. “he wants something so he comes to me and starts making noise.”

“he’s hungry,” minho explains, rolling his eyes at your comment.

he gets up and grabs three snack packs, handing you one before he calls the other two over for some dinner.

from the corner of your eye you can see minho’s mum staring at you, in complete shock—but you try not to get too paranoid about it. you know she likes you, minho promised she likes you.

you instead focus on the cat in your lap, now meowing even louder once the snack came into view. you quickly open it and offer it up, giggling at the way he eagerly starts licking at the food.

when you glance over at minho you freeze, noticing the tension in the air.

“am i doing it wrong?” you whisper, as if dori might judge you for that question.

he shakes his head slowly but doesn’t say anything else. his mum quickly brings up another subject, asking you all about that incident at work you mentioned on your last visit.

minho helps them clear the last of the plates and cups that are left, insisting you sit down even after you offered to help three times.

soonie approaches you slowly before sitting down right on top of your phone.

you start talking to her, explaining the logic behind her actions, and she then shows you her stomach. you instantly start scratching it, knowing if she’s anything like her big brother she’ll start rioting if she doesn’t get the attention she wants.

after a few minutes of cooing at the cat you feel someone sitting down next to you, a pair of big hands wrapping around your waist, minho placing his chin on your shoulder.

“my mum just told me off,” he says, and you can hear the grin on his face.

“what did you do?”

“apparently i have never in all my life let anyone else feed the cats with me.”

“she was looking at me weird,” you mumble, “didn’t think it would be over something so simple.”

“you know the cats mean the world to me, right?” he looks at you, brows knitted together. now he’s looking at you weird—and it doesn’t help that they have the same confused face.

“yes, they’re your lockscreen and i’m not.”

“not this again,” minho sighs, but you simply grin at him.

“what’s your point?”

“i didn’t notice i do that, nor did i notice i gave you one of the snacks to feed them with,” is all his explanation. you manage to fill in the blanks yourself—knowing minho would never say it if it’s as painfully honest as you think it is.

you kiss his lips softly. “thank you for trusting me with your world.”

he nods, satisfied you understood him. like you always do.

changbin… phone

“hey, can you text the boys for me? tell felix we’ll be there in a second,” changbin says, handing you his phone as he keeps his eyes focused on the road.

“password?” you ask, trying to angle the phone towards his face until you remember it’s an android and it doesn’t even have face recognition.

“your birthday,” he says simply.

“simp,” you giggle, trying and failing to bite back your smile. changbin pays no mind to your comment, deciding being a simp for you is much better than ever letting you down—so he’ll accept that name proudly.

you text felix the details and put the phone back in the cup holder, focusing instead on the next song on changbin’s playlist.

“hey, can you order the food? i’m just gonna shower,” changbin asks as you enter the dorm. he came to pick you up right after his gym session, and while he didn’t want to see you while he was all sweaty he also didn’t want to make you wait any longer, so he still needs a shower.

you don’t have to ask for the passcode this time, easily keying in your birthday before ordering the food you talked about on your way home.

you notice he has solitaire on his phone, and while that might not be the most appealing game in the world you’re also extremely bored. you know you shouldn’t use his phone for anything other than what he’s asked you to, so you knock on the shower door quickly.

“binnie, can i play on your phone until the food’s ready?”

“of course, sweetheart!” he yells back.

you smile to yourself before plopping down on the couch and starting a new game.

the boys spent approximately forty five minutes taking pictures while all of you went to the han river for a picnic. it’s alright though, because they also took pictures of you with your boyfriend, and of you alone, so it’s not like you were excluded from the vanity game.

once the sun disappeared and the weather turned cooler you went back to the dorm to finish the rest of the food.

they were all looking over the pictures, deciding which was the best one to upload.

“who took the picture of me with the watermelon?” minho asks enthusiastically.

“binnie did,” you respond, as you spend your time focusing on the delicious cake felix made.

minho whines, considering changbin was taking one of his food naps at the moment and couldn’t show him the pictures.

you grab his phone from where he placed it down on the table and enter his gallery—handing the phone over to minho so he can look over the pictures.

he simply gasps at you.

“you know his passcode?”

you lock the phone again, showing minho that it was your thumb print that can unlock it.

“wow,” chan chuckles.

you don’t pay much attention to them though, far more invested in the cake, and so you get back to eating it while minho sends himself all the pictures off changbin’s phone.

hyunjin… jewellery

it starts flirtatious, like most things are with you and hyunjin. you’re playing with his hand, fiddling with his fingers, drawing circles on his wrist. you grab the ring on his finger and pull it off before placing it on the finger next to it. and then the finger next to it. you play this game for a few more minutes, hyunjin’s eyes practically turned into two hearts as he took in the amusement on your face. as he giggles, he grabs the ring from you and you pout—sad for the game to be over. but it isn’t, as the roles are now reversed, hyunjin moving the ring from finger to finger.

it’s then the waitress approaches your table, albeit hestitanly, and asks for your orders.

the ring stays on your hand all night.

“it suits you,” hyunjin says when you try and give it back.

“beautiful, can i have my ring?” he asks as he steps out of the shower a few days later. he has an event tonight, some important people he needs to meet, and he wants to look his best. jewellery is important for that.

“yeah, of course,” you don’t even hesitate. it was his ring to begin with, and he never officially gifted it as yours to keep. you were just looking after it for a bit.

when hyunjin gets back from paris he has a lot of gifts with him—all ysl branded and expensive. he shows off the clothes and the perfume and tells you all about the luxurious evenings him and felix enjoyed. of course, he sent you pictures as most of the events were taking place in front of him, but you enjoy his story telling even more when he’s right in front of you.

when he shows you the necklace he got you gasp, turning it over in your hand.

“it’s so pretty!” you gush. “that’ll look beautiful with a low neckline dress.”

“never wore a dress before,” his eyes twinkle at you.

you laugh at him and roll your eyes before handing the necklace back to him.

“you can wear it for that fancy meal we’re going to next week?” he offers simply.

you shake your head; not wanting to come off greedy. it was beautiful, and it must’ve been extremely expensive, and you already felt guilty for that comment you made. as if you’d just be allowed to wear it.

“i can’t take that, it was a gift from a brand partner. what will they say?”

“you’re not taking it,” hyunjin says simply, and you’re surprised by how quickly he’s giving up. “it’s a lend. you’ll wear it for that night and then give it back. and when you wanna wear it again just ask.”

“but i—“

he places his finger on your lips before pecking them softly, concluding the conversation for now.

jisung… demos

“baby! baby! baby! baby!” your boyfriend jumps in his seat as you answer the facetime call. sometimes you wonder where his energy supply comes from because it can’t possibly be natural.

it’s ten at night.

“hey, ji,” you smile at him. his energy is infectious, and the best thing to see after a long day of work.

“baby! i wrote the best song!” he smiles at you, his cheeks scrunched together as his face shines proudly.

“let’s hear it,” you ask, quickly grabbing your headphones so you could listen carefully.

he places the phone down against his water bottle, changing the view slightly.

his hair is hiding beneath a beanie, probably because he couldn’t be bothered to tame it, and his laptop is right in front of him.

other than that you can’t see much considering there’s only a small lamp illuminating the room, pointing only at the desk. there’s pieces of paper crumbled by the laptop—unwanted lyrics, you suppose.

“it doesn’t have a name yet,” he introduces, “and i might give it to the company because i’m not sure if the vibe is right for us. i think it could be right maybe if chan rearranges it a bit, but i don’t think it needs any change at all. maybe? maybe if felix sings the bridge then—“

“—hey! j.one!” he looks over at you, eyes wide and mouth in a small circle. “just play the song and then we can discuss it?”

he nods at you, sitting back in his chair and pressing play on his program.

the track starts playing loudly on the speakers around him. it’s slightly choppy, not the best quality to hear a song for the first time through a phone like this, but jisung is extremely impatient. he wanted you to hear the song right away, quite literally as soon as he finished recording the last part of it. so you didn’t mind straining slightly to try and catch all the lyrics.

jisung bops his head along to the beat, his face extremely serious as he listens back carefully.

you assume it’s only his second or third time hearing it back in completion since he doesn’t even monitor your reactions like he sometimes does—instead he’s taking notes.

you know his favourite part is coming up when his hand lifts into the air, dropping in time with the beat before the chorus plays again.

his eyebrows are scrunched together as a much faster rap verse starts, and you can tell he’s monitoring the cadence, even if it is just a demo track and he will most definitely re-record the vocals once he decides what to do with the track.

only when the song ends does he look back at you, expectedly, eyebrows high on his nervous face.

you clap your hands, nodding at him.

“nah, say what you actually think!” he all but scolds you.

“i think it deserved applause!”

he sends you a look before you go into more detail. what you thought of the beat, and the pace, and the sound, and the vibe. you aren’t professionally involved in music, you only know the words jisung taught you, but he still insists your opinion is more important than chan’s to him. you tell him that flattery isn’t useful in this situation, nor do you believe its true, but he stands by it.

“but the lyrics,” you start, and jisung’s eyes frown at your tone. “they’re incredibly moving, ji, but they’re so sad.”

“yeah,” he just nods, no longer looking at you.

“the beat doesn’t match how sad it is,” you comment, trying to disguise your worries as a simple criticism of the work.

“that’s on purpose though,” he says quickly, “i think it’s so sad that if the music matched it would be too much. plus, the feeling i’m talking about is acting like everything is normal, so a quick beat matches perfectly.”

you nod. “and why are you acting like everything is normal?”

jisung sighs, before he answers your question with a completely different one. “do you think i should give the song to someone else?”

“no,” you say, “felix would suit the bridge. and an emotional song is always best when it’s sang by someone that can relate.”

“i don’t wanna talk about it,” he says, knowing where you’re trying to take the conversation.

“and yet you called me to listen to it,” you cock your eyebrows up.

jisung rests his head against the chair for a moment, looking up as he thinks over his next words carefully. then he tells you all about it—the inspiration behind another one of his sad songs. you listen carefully, humming and nodding and offering your support and your words when he asks for them.

after about an hour on the phone a warning comes up to tell you you only have 20% left.

you go to grab your charger, and the pause in conversation causes the subject to move to your day and your plans for the weekend before they circle back to the song.

you do really like it, and tell him as such, encouraging him to show it to chan and the others soon.

after you say your goodbyes, and you reassure jisung of how much you love him, you go to sleep with the beat still stuck in your head.

when you tell jisung that the next morning he decides he can’t possibly give that track to anyone else—not even his band.

the company like it so much they let him release it as one of his solo tracks—his face beaming when he tells you the news two weeks later. right before playing another new song for you.

felix… games

“no way!” you gasp as you look around felix’s room for the very first time. he has all sorts of trinkets and fairy lights and even a beautiful piece of artwork on the wall. and then there’s his computer with the huge double monitor—which looks more expensive than anything else you’ve seen in the house so far.

but by the monitor there is a glass case, and inside it is an original gameboy.

“does it still work?” you ask enthusiastically.

“of course it does,” he scoffs, “i play it all the time.”

“you play your switch all the time,” you correct him.

“and then i play a little bit of that one,” he says, “it has the first ever pokémon on it.”

“what other games do you have for it?” you ask, eyes sparkling at him.

felix pulls out a box from the shelves above his monitor and hands it to you.

you opened it quickly, picking up all the different games inside it. all the popular ones are there, as well as ones you’ve never even heard of before. you can count at least three dozen in there. there’s also games for a nintendo ds (you spot a pink one on the shelf where the box once was), at least another dozen. you sigh and hand the box back to him.

“you really are a nerd, yeah?”

felix grins at you before giving you a sloppy kiss and carefully placing the box back on the shelf.

the tour continues as felix shows you his collection of twice albums and mangas and his deadpool mask he used for a performance once.

he further proves your point when he starts telling you just how rare one of his comic books are, but you indulge him. you think nothing is more rare than the sparkle in his eyes when he talks about his nerdy stuff—as if he brought down the whole galaxy into this very room—so you give him your full attention as he speaks.

later that night, when you’re both fed and dressed in comfier clothes, him and his younger roommates start playing a game. felix only said yes because you were showering (and you said it’ll take a while because you wanted to do a hair mask) but now that you’re back he asks the boys to pause it.

“no, no, it’s fine!” you say, not wanting to get on their bad side on your first night staying over. “maybe i can play on your ds in the meantime?”

seungmin snickers to himself, but he’s so focused on the game you’re not sure it was in response to what you said.

“i saw that you had nintendogs and i can definitely entertain myself with that while you guys finish your… mission or whatever it is.”

“y/n, let me stop you right there,” jeongin smirks, eyes still focused on the screen. “no one is allowed to touch hyung’s games so—“ felix elbows his friend, but that doesn’t stop him from talking, “—we’re only allowed to use the xbox when he’s with us and because we have our own controllers.”

“i almost died once before i was made aware of that rule,” seungmin adds.

you notice felix’s cheeks have gone red, his freckles dusting over the new colour. he’s always been extremely generous to you—if it was gifts or his time or his things. but if his games were a line for him you didn’t want to cross it, nor did you mean to.

“oh, of course!” you say quickly, “i can just do something else. you guys enjoy the game!”

you move to get up but felix stops you, placing a hand on your knee before he pauses the game. luckily they weren’t in the middle of a fight or anything, so the boys don’t protest too much.

felix places a kiss on your cheek before he gets up, walks to his room, and comes back with the console in his hand.

you can see seungmin’s jaw drop.

“what?” you blink up at felix as he places the game in your hand.

“you can start a new game and name it so i’ll know it’s yours for whenever you come over,” he smiles simply, nodding at you.

“unbelievable,” jeongin mumbles.

“i guess there really is such a thing as girlfriend privilege,” seungmin shakes his head.

felix smiles at you when you power up the console, kissing your temple when you shuffle closer to him. then he gets back to the game—not letting either of his roommates comment on the situation further.

seungmin… hoodies

“no,” seungmin says simply.

jisung was stood in your hotel room, begging seungmin to let him borrow that hoodie of his, the one with the red heart on the front. according to jisung, it’s exactly what his outfit is missing.

“what about that hoodie you wore yesterday?”

“no, the heart is what makes it because i’m gonna wear a red bandana and—“

“—so you’re stealing minnie’s whole fashion sense?” you chime in. seungmin smirks proudly at his friend as he raises his eyebrows.

“no, uh, i just wanna try something different,” jisung defends.

“if i may,” you try, offering your own fashion advice. jisung had a very nice cardigan with a hint of red in it, and you reminded him of that. he thought it over.

“a hoodie would be warmer though,” he tries again, flashing your boyfriend the best puppy eyes he could master.

“sorry, hyung,” seungmin shakes his head, “y/n already called that hoodie for tonight.”

jisung looks over at you, eyes wide.

“you couldn’t have said that earlier? i’ve been stood here wasting my time!” he rants some more as he leaves the room, letting the whole floor know about his inconsiderate friend that won’t let him live his fashion life to the fullest.

you laugh as his voice dies down slowly.

“so now i gotta find an outfit that works with that hoodie i guess?” you raise your eyebrows at him.

you did not call that hoodie for tonight at all actually, but if that was seungmin’s only excuse, you didn’t want to contradict him in front of his extremely stubborn friend.

“you could’ve just let him borrow it for tonight,” you try reasoning.

“nope,” seungmin pouts, “you’re the only one that should be wearing my hoodies.”

you laugh at him, wrapping your arms around him as you kiss his jaw softly.

“now i feel bad,” you tease, “i get bestowed with such an honour and i don’t even want your hoodie.”

he gasps. “you steal them all the time!”

“yeah,” you scrunch your face as you chuckle, “but now that you gave me permission i don’t want them anymore.”

“you’re so annoying,” he groans, pinching your sides. you yelp, jumping at the sensation before slapping his shoulder.

“i will wear it,” you say simply, “but only so ji doesn’t think you’re a liar.”

you walk towards the closet, where seungmin unloaded his whole suitcase into, and pick out the now infamous hoodie. you smile softly to yourself—it really is your favourite of his.

seungmin chuckles at your reaction, before sucking his teeth. “we’ll be late for dinner, come on.”

jeongin… personal space

jeongin does not like physical affection. he doesn’t do hugs or kisses or cuddles. that’s his rule.

but every rule has an exception and you’re the living proof.

when anyone else tries to touch him he squirms away, usually making a comment suitable for a spoiled child. but whenever you’re near him he does everything in his power to be closer to you.

if you’re walking down the street he’ll wrap his pinky around yours or sometimes he’ll fully grab your hand and sway your arms as you two walk.

he’ll play with your hair a lot too, always making sure to move it out the way before you start digging into your meal so it doesn’t get in your food.

if you’re watching a movie his thighs are in your lap and his arms around you. maybe he’ll even put his head on your shoulder if he’s a little sleepy that night.

and he refuses to fall asleep without his hand lazily sprawled across your body in some way or another.

the boys are definitely jealous, so they try their luck with jeongin after they see the physical affection between you two.

he still pushes them away with disproportionate disgust.

one time you were there to witness it and he fully grabbed you—using your body as a shield between him and chan’s attempted cuddles.

“no touchy!” he reminds him, grabbing onto your arms as he makes himself as small as possible to avoid chan reaching him.

“it’s not fair,” chan whines, “you let her touch you all the time!”

“channie-hyung,” jeongin pokes his head around your shoulder, ready to push you between him and his attacker at any moment if needed. “you realise it’s different when it’s you.”

“why?”

“because i love her,” he says it so simply, as if chan is silly for even needing that explanation. as if that isn’t the first time he’s said that out loud.

chan raises his eyebrows in surprise and you’re sure he’s just mirroring your shocked facial expression.

“you don’t love me?” chan reacts quickly, letting the tension die in the air as he insists he must hug jeongin now. ducking behind you, he grabs onto him and pulls him away from you. jeongin escapes from chan’s grip and they both start running around the room like absolute children until chan tackles him into a bear hug.

later that night you’re in jeongin’s bed, his hands locked behind your back as he pulls you fully on top of him.

“innie,” you start, as casually as you can, “you know if you don’t like them in your personal space you can just say that.”

“yes, i tell them all the time. no touchy.”

“i meant, you didn’t have to say that to chan just as an excuse,” you say, your finger wrapping around the string of his hoodie.

jeongin knits his brows as he looks at you.

“huh?”

“just… don’t feel like you have to lie.”

“lie? what are you talking about?”

he really doesn’t seem to remember what he said, so you swallow down the awkwardness and take a breath.

“you shouldn’t have told chan you lov—“ but before you can repeat what he said, jeongin’s eyes grow wide and his palm lands on your mouth, stopping you from saying anything else.

“i remember what i said now!” he says, looking everywhere but at you. “no, uh, no need to repeat it!”

you bite down on his palm gently, enough to get him to yelp and retreat his hand away so you can speak your mind.

“so you meant it?”

the redness on his cheek is enough of an answer, but jeongin decides to verbalise it, too. “no.”

“innie, don’t lie to me!”

he grabs you closer, practically shoving your head into his neck so you don’t see his warm face. he grunts.

“i, i didn’t, well, it’s just—“

“i love you, too.”

the grip on your waist loosens for only a moment before he squeezes you even closer to him, regardless of how your airways are coping.

#skz x reader #stray kids x reader #skz x y/n #all.works #stray kids x you #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fics #bang chan x reader #bang chan x yn #lee know x reader #lee minho x reader #seo changbin x reader #hwang hyunjin x reader #han jisung x reader #felix x reader #lee felix x reader #kim seungmin x reader #yang jeongin x reader #i.n x reader #ot8 x reader #stray kids ot8

[hyunjinspark]

star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 17

pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader

genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers

synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned. 

word count: 31K

warnings: cursing, drinking, heavy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, kissing, mature language, making out, jealousy, references to injuries, unrequited love, fighting, arguments and confrontations, hyunjin is mean, mentions of weed, post-breakup behaviour, passing mention of threats, a guy makes yn feel physically uncomfortable

a/n: most of this chapter contains heavy angst, yn is thinking about hyunjin 90% of the time, and it's a very different pacing from usual, but i enjoyed writing this a lot :) i hope you love it too! please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!

important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.

masterlist

The romantic movies you’d watched growing up always skipped over the hard parts. 

The break-ups in them were just a short montage set to the soundtrack of a sad song. The main female character would have given up all hope, drowning her feelings in ice-cream and wine, and just when she hit rock bottom... somehow the boy would find a way back to her. The audience would cheer even though it was so predictable, and the credits would roll. All the sadness would be overshadowed by a firework-worthy reunion kiss, and a stupid Happily Ever After. 

If only your life right now could pass by like a montage. If only you could hit fast-forward, and skip to the day you feel better. 

You were never much into Greek mythology, but you had read Percy Jackson in middle school, and the myth of Sisyphus always stuck to you. He was condemned to roll a rock up a mountain for eternity, but the rock would roll back down to the bottom every single time. It was a cruel punishment because he could never achieve his goal. 

Forgetting Hyunjin was a Sisyphean task. It was futile, in every way. On most days, it almost felt impossible. You could always try, and push yourself really hard, but he would always be there at the bottom of the canyon. Homereminded you of him, of all the good times there — bumping into him at Aera’s, plunging into freezing water with him at the creek, kissing him in the meadow of the fireflies, sloppy and wet but enchanting. And so did this city. The lights of the skyscrapers, the culture, the fashion, they all screamed his name. It didn’t help that his pictures were plastered all over every big billboard, every bus stop shelter, each subway station. Perhaps to forget him, you’d have to run away to a remote cabin, somewhere in Europe, where you could paint your life away and never look back. Yet wouldn’t that be useless too? Everything beautiful in your life would be forever linked to him.

“What are you thinking of so deeply, Y/N?” A voice pulled you out of your sad tangent. You’d been sketching in your notebook, mindlessly doodling, drawing circles and squares. 

Jeonghan was slumped in the chair opposite yours, his own sketchbook balanced on his knees, but he hadn’t drawn for an hour now. He was too busy listening to a podcast on those big headphones he never let go of. Minnie was supposed to join you today, but she was running late from a date with Jamie, so for now it was just you and him. There was so much noise around you, a constant buzz and chatter of people in the coffee shop, so you raised your voice to be heard, “I’m thinking of…how romance movies are all bullshit”

His eyebrows shot up, and he sat up straighter, clearly not expecting that. You suppose it was a bit random, “I’m sorry?”

Now that you’d brought it up, you had to explain it, and you struggled to find the words, “They’re all such cookie-cutter depictions of romance. The same formula every time. You don’t think so?”

His eyes narrowed, suspiciously, “Well, who broke your heart?”

You shut your sketchbook with a snap, “Nobody. I’m just talking”

“Clearly you think I’m stupider than I actually am” He pulled a hand up, and started counting on his fingers, “You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, you’re only painting of blue and depressing things, you…didn’t even laugh at a single joke of mine in class today”

“Maybe because they aren’t funny”

“And you now think romantic movies suck. That’s the telltale signs of a breakup”

“I’ve always thought they suck… That doesn’t mean anything”

“Okay” He laughed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “How about the fact that you all but ran out of Pegasus and went white as a ghost when you saw that guy in the elevator?”

You stilled, staring at him. It’s been days since that incident, but he’s never brought it up till now. You had never given him a chance to. You realised you’re an expert in deflecting when it comes to matters of Hyunijn. You pulled at the spiral binding of your notebook, “He was just an old friend”

“You reacted way more than someone would…to an old friend. I’m not going to judge you, you know that? I’m from fucking LA. If I started judging people, I’m afraid I’d never stop”

You sighed, looking down at the coffee table, “He’s just someone I wasn’t expecting to see. It brought up old memories, shit I’d like to forget now. Let’s…talk about something else, please”

He released a breath, looking around, “Fine. I think I’m gonna get another cup of coffee. You want one?”

“No, I’m good. Coffee keeps me up at night”

Jeonghan stood up, lanky frame hovering over you, lips pressed into a thin line, “Don’t blame coffee for that”

With that, he walked off to the counter, and you stared at the empty chair. You’re trying hard not to think of that evening, after you walked out of the storage closet, out of the Pegasus building and straight home. You had felt a new kind of pathetic… and to make it worse, your apartment keys had refused to cooperate. It’s because you were shaking the whole way home. You’d dropped them on the landing multiple times as you made your way upstairs, the shrill sound the only thing snapping you out of your daze. Even your hands had shook as you tried to get into your apartment.

You’d crawled into your mattress, and you’d cried yourself to sleep. Your pillow had muffled the sounds and it wasn’t even satisfyin. Your tears felt empty and forced. The numbness…was real. What were you even crying for? Hyunjin had made it crystal clear since day one that nothing could happen between you, so you shouldn’t have expected him to suddenly change his mind. 

“I got you a cupcake” Jeonghan sat back down, a red velvet cupcake in his hand, a Cafe Mocha in the other.

It just hurt that he’d given up on the two of you, before you even had a chance to try. It was…a horrible memory, and your chest hurt at it. “I don’t want it, sorry”

“Suit yourself” He shrugged, peeling back the paper wrapping so he could take a bite out of it. The white frosting smeared on his nose, and he smiled at you. He’s a good friend, but you’ve been nothing but miserable the past few weeks. It’s bad for you because this is not the time for drama. You’re working on real stuff now in art class. You’re past introductions, and over the bunny hill. You have an actual assignment, and that’s the reason you’re here in this cafe, trying to brainstorm ideas for it. This artwork matters more to you than anything else lately, because it feels like a last plea for happiness. If your professor actually likes it, then you won’t feel so useless anymore. Time lately feels like it’s slipping through your fingers, wasting away, precious days blurring together into sadness and nostalgia. You used to count the seconds until you could live this life, but what you’re feeling right now…that’s not living.

How can you be creative right now, when all you hold inside you is bitterness? All this time, you’d held on to some minuscule hope, that one day things between you and Hyunjin would be all right. That maybe one day he would give into what he felt, and you could actually be together. It was almost …like a given. How could he kiss you like that…and not want it for the rest of his life? A part of you had imagined it all — the future you could have had with him, the relationship you could lead with somebody who knew every bit of you.

You’d been surrounded by good people your whole life, but the impact Hyunjin left on you was incomparable. His thoughts, the way his brain worked things out, the kindness with which he approached life — you couldn’t hope to find that in anybody now. It was special to only him, and more than anything, you couldn’t forget that. You couldn’t forget the beautiful things he kept hidden in his mind, in his heart. The first few weeks you’d known him…it became obvious what he would mean to you. In the silliest of ways, he even finished your sentences…How could somebody be so perfectly built for you, but not be meant for you at all? 

Maybe the romance books were to blame for making you believe there was someone perfect for you at all. Soulmates were an urban legend, and a red string of fate didn’t exist. But then why did everything pull you together all this while? It couldn’t have been…for nothing.

Were you the one to blame for imagining an actual future with him? You’d never even had the honor of calling him your boyfriend, how could you hope for anything more?

The logical step was…to move on. So that’s why you’re here, painting in the new coffee shop, and hoping it will help. Jeonghan helps, kind of. He’s funny, and he’s got a large personality and an even bigger sense of humour, and you wonder how he fits it all in his lanky frame. He’s a perfect student and on top of that, he’s helpful. He’s always sharing his supplies with you in class, and he’s genuinely so amusing, if not mildly annoying sometimes, but with Minho and Felix you’d gotten used to it. He was humming now to a song you don’t recognise, his music taste is very different from yours, and he suddenly asked, “Why do you think I moved back to Korea?”

Your brows furrowed, and you randomly guessed, “I don’t know…An American girl broke your heart?”

“Bingo” He bit into the cupcake, crumbs falling onto his button-up, and on his ripped jeans, “She kissed my friend at a party. Right in front of me”

You’re surprised to hear that, and even more so that he’s openly telling you. Maybe talking freely about the past is moving on. So you told him, in solidarity, “My best friend dated the boy I like”

His eyebrows shot up, and he leaned forward, pausing the music on his phone to give you his whole attention, “Did she know you liked him?”

“No…not really”

“Then you can’t really blame her I guess” 

“I don’t”

“So you blame yourself? For liking him?”

“Nothing I do could have made me stop”

He tilt his head, “Is that so?”

You chewed on your lip, “I liked him for a long time before my friend met him”

“Then why didn’t you ask him out?”

“I didn’t know his name at the…time”

His eyes widened, a smile forming, “Oh…now I’m really, really curious”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past now”

Jeonghan sighed, “You know, this is a record”

You reached for his cupcake, and bit into it, it was too sweet and you hated red velvet but you wanted to feel something, “What do you mean?”

“That’s like the most I’ve got out of you, Y/N. You’re a pretty closed book”

You’ve never been told that before. You're usually always oversharing. You have to try to be better. Maybe divulging the details of your life isn’t such a weakness or vulnerability. It’s hard to explain to anybody about what you’re going through, the only person who’ll understand is Kairi, but you haven’t talked to her since that time in the park, when she brought Hyunjin up and you came crumbling down like a house of cards.

You feel so weak lately, like a balloon about to be popped, stretched to your limits. You can’t accommodate any sadness in you anymore, and any mere mention or thought of Hyunjin breaks you down. You’re trying your best though. Yeonjun is sad you don’t hang out at his place anymore, after all it’s not his fault there’s a billboard of Hyunjin right across. Falling apart felt it’d be more climatic and sudden, but it’s more of a gradual process than anything. Even now, sitting in this pretty shop in Seoul, your chest pains at the memories. The hurt is so immense sometimes you have to clutch your chest waiting for the pain to pass. It’s like a heart attack every time you think of him. You can’t remember how it used to feel when it didn’t hurt. 

In the past few weeks, you’d have had a lot of selfish thoughts and wishes. Some of them are cruel in a way that you can never say it out loud. You feel guilty for even thinking them, yet most days when you’re alone in your bed and you crave him, you wish he never became an idol. Hyunjin without the fame and without his music was still the same boy inside. Hyunjin without the frills was the kid in the art store you fell in love with all those years ago. 

You wish he could just be yours, to love forever, not the entire citys’. Forever was a long fucking time but you felt capable of it, of cherishing him for the rest of your life because he made it so easy. But you should have taken the hint when he cut you out of his life, without even leaving a phone number behind. If you hadn’t come to Seoul… it was entirely possible he would never have seen you again. He would have left you behind in the town, and never looked back. To him…you were just a girl he messed around with in the summer. So temporary. So forgettable.

You wish you could pick apart your brain, and take out every memory of him, but you feared there’d be nothing in you left then. Loving him took up all the space in you. Missing him did the same. Jeonghan was speaking to you still, wondering why you never shared too much about yourself, and you shrugged, “I don’t know. I just want to focus on now. I hate feeling haunted by the past. It’s paralysing, to be stuck in those memories”

Jeonghan’s eyes narrowed, this is a pretty serious conversation for this cafe, but he asked, “You ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The movie with Kate Winslet and that one dude…um, Jim Carrey?”

You’ve stopped sketching entirely now, you hadn’t made progress in hours. It goes without saying that ever since you saw Hyunjin in the city, your inspiration has been lost. You’ve been searching for it ever since, in new friendships, in new coffee shops, in conversations like this, “I…haven’t, but Felix, my best friend loved that movie”

He leaned forward, excited to explain to you, “Well, in the movie this couple’s broken up, and they hate each other, like absolutely loathe each other. So there’s this futuristic procedure where they can choose to erase memories of their lover, and the girl…she does it. It’s too painful to remember the boy she loved”

“Oh?”

“Mmh” Jeonghan’s eyes twinkle as he explained and you wonder if he and Felix would be best friends if they met; they talk about movies with the same passion, “So the guy, he starts going through the procedure too. But as the memories of their relationship start being deleted, he realises he doesn’t want them to be erased after all. They loved each other, and their time together was so special to them. That shouldn’t be forgotten. It’s a cool concept, right?”

You’re listening to him, and the noises of the cafe have faded away, “Yeah. It’s cool” You’re playing the movie in your head, wondering what you would do if you were in it. Would you alter the chemistry of your brain so Hyunjin never existed in your life? It’d sure be easier than trying to move on, which was…useless.

Jeonghan suddenly frowned realising you ate some of his cupcake. The proof was in your hands which were covered in white frosting. He leaned over the little table, “I thought you didn’t want the cupcake” 

You apologised, “Sorry. The frosting was good”

“Is that so?” He grabbed your hand. He’s touchy sometimes in class, so you weren’t too surprised. But in a single swoop, he licked the frosting right off your hand, tongue swirling around your finger for a brief second, “Eh, could be better. Anyway, do you want to watch that movie with me? You could come over after you finish the artwork”

Before you could even process what just happened, a tote bag slammed onto your table, and you both jumped. Minnie grinned at you, standing by, “So did you guys finish the assignment?”

»»————-

You are supposed to paint your most dominant emotion. It’s an important task, because you’ve to be graded on it. It’s due today. The thought of being evaluated for your creativity terrifies you. You don’t feel good for anything right now, but this is what you signed up for. Your supplies are sprawled across the apartment floor, and you’re forcing each stroke onto the paper, trying to paint a semblance of anything. You want to prove your worth in the art studio. You haven’t been too interactive in class, you’ve been at your lowest, but this meant so much to you for the longest time. So you’re trying really, really hard.

There is music playing from your phone, a mix of calm songs you’d put together months ago. Hours had passed, and you’ve fiddled away at your canvas, trying to fix every little detail. You stayed up nights in a row, finishing the painting and it was honestly a good distraction, for the most part. If Kim Jieong loves it, then perhaps you’ll stop being so sad. You will yourself to just fill in the gaps of your artwork, to correct the error in your ways so that it can be perfect for the presentation today.

But it was almost time for class, and if you didn’t leave now, you’ll be late. You stare at the painting, breathing a sigh, it doesn’t look half bad, “Well…this is as good as it’s gonna get”

As you roll the canvas up so you can carry it to class, the song on your playlist changes and within seconds… Hyunjin’s voice fills your bedroom. It was a song from the new album. 

You freeze, recognising it instantly, goosebumps rippling up your arms and legs. It’s a ballad, and his voice is soft and melodious. Once upon a time it was comforting. Dread fills your stomach. You hate this song. You hate his voice. You can’t listen to him ever again. Your phone lay across the bedroom floor. You need to turn it off. In your hurry to scramble for it, your hand slips, and your elbow knocks into a glass of muddy paint-water. Before you could even process it, the liquid tips over. Within seconds, helplessly you watch the wave of liquid destroy your art. It seeps across your entire canvas, ruining everything you’d worked on for weeks.

It becomes a glob of colors and it’s so funny and pathetic you couldn’t even cry or be frustrated. It’s your carelessness to blame. The only thing you can do is turn the fucking music off.

You feel stupid, showing up to class with that. When you arrive, Minnie was presenting her piece already. It’s gorgeous, and her painting is about love. It’s obvious in the way she’s drawn a portrait of what’s supposed to be her girlfriend, Jamie. There’s strokes of red for her hair, and pink and warm tones all over. Jamie is drawn so beautifully, accentuated features, so much personality in a single portrait. Does she know how beautiful she is in her girlfriend’s eyes?

Jeonghan goes next, and he’s painted triumph. It’s more abstract than a lover’s portrait. It’s smart, and it’s confident, and it’s full of gold accents. You feel ashamed thinking of your own work. You slide the rolled-up canvas behind your desk, and hope nobody notices it. Like a zombie, you’re applauding for everyone’s work, and your hands clap every few minutes, but you’re not even looking at anything anymore. Analysis and appreciation is out of the question. Your own failure is far too distracting. 

Then, Kim Jieong glanced at you for the first time this morning, expectant eyes, anticipating smile, “Come on up, sweetheart”

The rest of the class had apparently finished, and you’re the only one left. It’s easy to lie through your teeth, “I’m sorry, Mr. Jieong…I forgot”

His eyebrows shoot up, and confusion is evident in his gaze, “Forgot what?”

You can feel your friends eyes on you, “I forgot about the assignment” It’s better that he think you’re careless rather than not talented. Jeonghan’s gaze on you was deathly, because he knows you’ve worked on nothing else the past few days. This was the only thing you’d been sleeping and breathing. This was your turning point. Your hope for happiness.

Your professor nods, “I see…”

“I’m sorry” Your voice was small and pathetic but you don’t even feel any remorse. Sadness is so present in you that there’s no room for guilt. You stare at your table, not wanting to look anybody in the eye, especially as he speaks, “These assignments are for a reason, and I hope everybody knows that. We don’t wake up and come all the way here to waste each others time, do we?”

You curl up in your chair, pulling your jacket tight around yourself, and your eyes sting. You could feel his stare of judgement at you as he addressed the class, when you’re the only one at fault. Everybody else did the work. Minnie’s gaze was burning into you too, but you didn’t look up for the rest of class. It’s childish. You just feel embarrassed. You count down the minutes until it’s over. You’re going to go home and redo everything, and hopefully he will forgive you for your lack of tact.

As soon as it’s time, you grabbed your bag, rushing to leave, but his voice echoed through the class, “Y/N. Please stay back. I need to talk to you” 

The dreadful words make you stop in your tracks, but you were already at the door planning your escape. Minnie pinched you in the stomach as she left, “Good luck, babe”

You turned around, clutching your bag to your chest as everybody around you exits, and you know you’re being judged right now. This is a class for professionals. Heartbreak is not an excuse. You take a look at him, “Is everything okay?”

The professor crosses his legs on the stool, seemingly relaxed, and he didn’t look mad, “Just need to discuss something with you. I’ve been thinking about it for a while”

“Okay…” You breathe, running the possibilities in your head. Is he just upset, or is it possible to actually get kicked out of this program because of your fucking carelessness?

Jeonghan stops in front of you, “Should I go ahead, or do you want me to wait for you?”

Your professor was quick to interrupt, “Nate, I appreciate you sticking up for your friend, but I’d like to speak to her alone”

Your heart warmed at the thought that he was going to stay back for you, “It’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow” You told him, even though you crave his comfort. Soon, the rest of the students trickle out of the classroom, dillydallying and slow to move with no care in the world. You stand by there, waiting patiently as Jieong wraps up his work, packing up his bag and things. As soon as everyone’s gone, you apologise, “I’m so sorry about forgetting the assignment. It was really irresponsible of me, and I can explain”

“Except you didn’t forget” He looked up at you.

“Sorry?”

“The canvas behind your desk. You didn’t really do a great job of hiding it”

“That’s… not my assignment” You protest, “That’s…nothing. It’s a mess”

He got up, “Then you won’t mind if I take a look at it?”

“I promise you, it’s nothing. It’s not worth…” You trailed off, watching as he makes his way there. He unfurls it, and he’s quiet for a few minutes as he stares at your botched painting. The artwork makes no sense. The canvas is completely ruined, and a kid could have done it better. He turns to you, disappointed. “Can you remind me why you’re here, Y/N?”

Your heart breaks even more, “I promise…I’m gonna do better next time”

He steps closer to you, “That’s not what I asked you, Y/N. Why are you in my program? That’s what I want to know”

You’re suddenly finding it hard to breathe, and your mind is blank. There’s no fucking space for your thoughts or for logic or reason, when it’s just been corrupted by memories he left behind, “I’m here… because I’ve always wanted to be”

“Do you think that’s good enough?”

This behavior of his isn’t even out of nowhere. You’ve been a horrible student of lately, you haven’t paid attention, your enthusiasm has been curbed, and your paintings have been tacky and upsetting. You swallowed the lump in your throat, “I’m really trying to be better. I’m…sorry for disappointing--”

“I’m only disappointed because you lied to me”

Your eyes shoot up to his, and his gaze burns you, “What?”

He crossed his arms, stepping close to you until there’s no personal space anymore. There’s no venom in his tone but you know he’s masquerading it because unlike you, he’s a professional who knows how to deal with people like you, “You can’t just choose what you want to do on a whim. That’s not up to you. That’s not what my program is for. This canvas is your assignment. Why are you pretending otherwise? Why didn’t you present it to the class?”

“Because I fucked up”

He didn’t flinch at your usage of the swear word, and he ran a hand over his face, “What emotion were you trying to convey?”

“Peace…”

“And is that how you feel? Peaceful?”

“No…” You sighed, “I feel horrible…” There was a lump in your throat blocking your airways. The pain in your chest was returning. You’re angry at Hyunjin for doing this to you.

“Can you please tell me what’s going on? You didn’t even meet the mentor I took you to see all the way to Pegasus for. Those field trips aren’t optional. I didn’t take you for some city tour. I wanted you to meet Karina. Those opportunities are important. If you miss those… you might as well not be here. This program is for people who value that, we have no room for freeloaders”

Your eyes shoot up to his, panic rising, and your eyes sting with tears, “Professor Jieong—”

“Can you sit down for a minute?” He stepped forward, hand going to your lower back, leading you to your seat. You feel awkward at the touch; the greenhouse studio is empty right now, it’s just you and him here. Would you have to beg him to let you stay in this program? Just like you begged Hyunjin to stay with you? He stands across you when you sit, crossing his arms, a pensive look in his eyes, “I receive…more than ten thousand applications for this program every year. There’s only twenty spaces in this classroom though. I couldn’t possibly look through all the applications myself. You’re aware of that, yes?”

It's hard for you to focus on his words when you only want to cry. In all this fucking sadness, you may just be losing the most important opportunity you ever got, “Yes…”

“I have a team that does it for me. They’re all trusted, close associates. All artists of course, and with all their idiosyncrasies they have a unique way of viewing the world. They hardly ever mess up in finding talent, but earlier this year, one of them did”

“What do you mean?”

“Your file didn’t come in to me. You were sent a rejection, weren’t you?”

The reminder is a punch to your gut, even though it’s in the past and irrelevant now. 

“Did you never wonder how you got in…even after being rejected?” He asked, lips curling up, as if knows the secrets of the universe and is indulging you in all of them. He’s going to tell you it was a mistake after all. You weren’t meant for this. You’ve fucked up so bad.

You wipe the single tear on your cheek as you look up at him, “To be honest…I just decided to take the blessing, and not question further”

He smiled, eyes crinkling, “Of course you did. Well, I think you’d be interested to know how you ended up getting in” You’ve never questioned it until now, and you’re anticipating his next words, "On a hot summer morning, I was supposed to catch a train up north to visit my parents. It was my day off…I don’t get too many of those here” He laughed, “But obviously, I missed the train. Instead of taking the next one, I came back to my office. When I did, I saw your file. It was in the rejected pile, but I took a single look at it and I knew there’d been a mistake. I knew that you had to be in this program. Somebody must have overlooked it, and I’m thankful I saw yours”

Your eyes widened, “What do you mean?” 

“I chose you, Y/N. Everybody else in this class was picked by my peers, by the committee, but you…I picked you myself, so you of all people shouldn’t be falling behind. You have an innate talent and I respect that a lot. I don’t want to be disappointed by you in the future. I know it’s intimidating to join in the middle of a semester, but you…belong here. Don’t question that. Don’t let it fuck you up”

You were dizzy with his compliment, perhaps this validation is the only thing you needed. You didn’t deserve this kindness, “You have a lot of confidence in someone who fucked up their painting so bad, Mr. Jieong”

“If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be sitting here, Y/N” 

“Right…um, thank you” Your lips tugged into a smile, and your chest felt lighter for the first time in a long time. He picked you. 

“That’s the problem with your generation, you’re always doubting yourself so much” He chuckled again, “Imagine if I’d taken that train to see my parents. I’d never seen your application. It would have been such a shame to not have you here with me”

You nodded, standing up to leave, grabbing your things, “That’s a crazy coincidence… Why didn’t you take the train though?”

He shrugged, carrying your canvas for you, so he could walk you out, “They’d closed down the entire platform for a few hours, so couldn’t even if I wanted to”

You frowned, switching off all the lights and glanced at him as the room was plunged in darkness, “Huh. I didn’t know they do that…”

“I didn’t either, but apparently some famous guy was returning to Seoul that day. I’m guessing a lot of fans wanted to see him, there was too big of a crowd. So they ended up shutting down the whole platform. Made me miss my damn train”

“A… music artist?” 

“Yeah! You might have seen it on the news. He’s one of Pegasus’ artists actually. I think he’s also a painter, like you. 

The pain in your chest returned with a bang, “Oh…”

He laughed, “This city and its obsession with celebrities. But I guess if it wasn’t for that… you wouldn’t be here”

“Yeah…”

His hand landed on your shoulder, trying to comfort you but nothing could, “I guess that’s why they say coincidence is just another word for fate, huh?”

»»————-

Unread messages flooded your inbox. Some from Yeonjun, most from Felix… You haven’t ignored them on purpose. You just haven’t had time or the energy to get back to them. They all read the same anyway. Asking about your life in the city, and how it feels to live your dreams. A part of you thought it’s the universe being decidedly cruel to you — reminding you the irony of how you’ve never been this miserable in your life.

And then there was one from Kairi. 

hey! i hope you’ve been doing good. i went to this cute new cafe in gangnam and i thought of you.  i feel like we ended things on the wrong note. could we maybe have a redo of last time? if that’s okay with you

You don’t reply, because you have no idea what you’ll even talk about to her. It’s creepy to pursue friendship with Chan’s ex. You’re supposed to be moving on, not just from him, but from his entire world. 

Your phone buzzes again and it’s a text from Minnie on your group chat. It’s just you, her and Jeonghan in it. You don’t talk too much here, just make plans for class and coffee. So you were surprised at what she had sent you. Maybe she feels pitiful after the way you embarrassed yourself in class earlier.

minnie: so you’re not gonna believe this yn.

yeah? 

minnie: i have a friend of a friend, and he saw a picture of you on my instagram. he thinks you’re really fucking hot.

who?

minnie: just some guy. anyway, do you want me to set you up with him?

noo. please don’t 

minnie: wait you didn’t let me finish. he works in the city, and i haven’t met him yet but my friend said he’s smart and funny. he seems like the kind of guy you’d like?

you’re trying to set me up with someone you’ve never met yourself?

minnie: omg its called a blind date girl

no dates. please.

minnie: all right :( anyway jamie and me are getting drunk tonight. do you wanna come?

You were trying really hard, to make casual conversation more often, to just be a normal fucking human who isn’t heartbroken and defined by your love for someone, so you said yes. You bought a bottle of wine from the store so you could bring it for them, as a gift for inviting you over. 

Minnie’s place was…nice. It’s in the higher end of the city, and she definitely comes from money. You were gathered around her dining table, and you’re sitting with your knees up on her chair. Jamie was lying on the couch across you, and she’s very tipsy already. A glass of wine was balanced on her stomach, and they’re telling you the story of how they met — through mutual friends on a night out in the city, apparently it was love at first sight, and Jamie had asked Minnie out only days after they first met. You didn’t opt for alcohol tonight, instead, you were digging into a large tub of chocolate ice-cream. 

Minnie was sitting cross-legged on the table, in her pajamas, “And then, guess what restaurant she picked for our first date? This…candle-lit fucking expensive place! I was so impressed, and kind of embarrassed I wouldn’t match the vibe—”

“But you looked fucking hot” Jamie interrupted, “We flirted the entire night, and then…we fucked on the very first date. At her place”

“Whoa…” You smiled at their story, tasting another spoonful of ice cream, “And…when did you start dating? Was it soon after that?”

“It’s embarrassing. She asked me to be her girlfriend…the same night” Minnie giggled, covering her face in her hands. She was definitely very tipsy, and you’d only seen her this cheerful around Jamie. In class, she was much more composed and serious, and it’s nice to see the side of her around her lover. She’s so much more open, and happier here.

“Oh” You realised, “And you’ve been together…three years now?”

Minnie grinned, shrugging, “I’d already fallen in love on the first date, no matter how stupid that sounds” 

You smiled at that, and then buried yourself into the ice-cream cup again, licking flecks off the steel spoon. Minnie nudged you, snapping you out of it, “Are you ever gonna tell us what happened with your ex or are we supposed to guess?”

“Minnie…” You rest your head against the wall, “It’s really not as interesting as your story”

“Y/N….” She whined loudly, and she had made her way through the second bottle of wine, the one you’d brought, “You don’t trust us? I promise we’re not gonna judge. Please, please, please”

“It’s not about that” You sighed, but her excitement to know your past was endearing, “I just find it depressing to talk about”

“Well. That’s what we’re here for. How can you move on if you avoid it forever?” Jamie sat up, blanket wrapped around her, and Minnie even shifted closer to you. This felt nice…to have friends here, in a city you couldn’t call home yet.

She was right. The past shouldn’t be your vulnerability. You sighed, staring inside your empty cup, “Well, then I’m gonna need a hell of a lot more ice cream”

“Um, so this is about the guy you mentioned right? The one you had lost touch with?”

You knew you’d be asked this story one day. You had to tell this without naming names. You couldn’t compromise Hyunjin like that. To them, it would just be a guy from your town, not an idol, not someone famous. You curled up your legs, ripping open the plastic of the brand new strawberry ice-cream tub, “I don’t know where to start honestly. It’s kind of a long story, but…um, I had this crazy crush on a boy in my town. He was really cute. He was kind, and funny, and…really really fucking hot” 

Minnie and Jamie laughed at that, eager ears as you continued, “I didn’t think anything would happen between us, because I thought he was into my best friend. Turns out he wasn’t. Me and him ended up kissing one night, it was romantic as hell. I kind of felt like…the main character in those coming-of-age 90s films. Because he was…so old-fashioned in a way? But also, really modern. He’s so romantic” You paused to breathe and all those memories are flooding back, “I was in this…pretty satin dress, and he was in a suit, with like a cropped jacket, and really cool pants. They fit him so well” 

Minnie lived in a high-rise building, and from here, the city lights blinked in the distance, golden specks lighting up the horizon. The memory flooded through you, clear as day. Two people under the night sky, surrounded by mountains on all sides. He had shown you the stars and the sky. You remember telling him that stars would remind you of him now. He had held you in his arms, and imprinted his words into your soul, “And when I look at the city lights…I��ll think of you”

Was he thinking of you now?

The city lights were brighter than ever. 

“Holy shit. Where did he take you on a date to? The Met Gala?” Jamie laughed, “I didn’t know guys our age even wear suits other than to funerals”

“No, it wasn’t a date date. It was just a fancy event in the town” Maybe you had terrible storytelling skills, because nothing made sense and it was all jumbled up, but they were listening intently so you continued anyway. No words could convey your first kiss with him. No sentences could capture your emotions, the lust, the love. 

“But after that kiss, he regret it immediately. He wasn’t really looking for a relationship. Despite that we kept kissing, over and over…and we didn’t stop. It became a thing, I don’t really know what we were doing” You smiled softly, staring at the skyscraper lights from their window, a kaleidoscope of inappropriate memories projected on the glass. You lost your words, blaming your imagination for the way a film reel of those moments was cast onto the windows. Maybe you really were going crazy, staring at the glass, and seeing him touching you in the reflection. Heat rushed to your face, like your dirtiest thoughts were out on display, but Jamie and Minnie were quiet, and this was all in your head anyway. You took a larger serving of the ice-cream this time, the creamy texture melting on your tongue, “I guess that’s when I realised I was absolutely, insanely in love with him, but… then he had to leave”

“Leave for what? The military?” Minnie’s eyes were wide. Jamie shushed her, “Wait, let her talk babe. You can ask your questions later”

“No, not the military, just for his work, and then…” Then came the hard part of this story, “And then he blocked me. For a few months. I don’t know why” 

They frowned, but they didn’t interrupt you, “I saw him in a shop downtown, and he completely walked past me at first…he ignored me. But when we met later, he kissed me. Then he told me he could never see me again” It sounded crazy told all together like this. It didn’t sound like your life. It sounded like a story from some tacky relationship podcast Jeonghan would listen to, but it was the truth. Their eyes were wide as you finished, and you stared at them, feeling naked and vulnerable, “That’s the gist of it”

“He sounds like an asshole” Jamie mumbled, pouring herself another drink. Your gaze shot up to hers. “Is thatwhat I’d made him seem like? That wasn’t my intention. He’s not an asshole, he’s…really nice”

Minnie frowned, “Yeah. No nice guy would do that to someone he cares about”

They didn’t know he was an idol, and they couldn’t know, so it was frustrating that they’d never understand all of it. How could they have guessed that it was forbidden for Hyunjin to love you?

“Honestly that sounds really fucked up. If he actually gave a shit about you, he wouldn’t have ghosted you in the first place, and then he had the nerve to kiss you? God, men are such dicks. As soon he had enough of the sex, he dropped you?”

They didn’t know all the nice things he’d said to you, or the nice things he’d done for you. You shook your head, “No, guys… it wasn’t just about the physical—”

“Did he ever tell you he loved you?”

You swallowed, “No…”

“And he told you he doesn’t do relationships” Jamie scoffed, “That’s what my friend’s ex was like. He said the same thing, and next year he got fucking married to another girl. This boy you’re telling us about…he’s obviously not going to be single forever, especially if he’s as nice as you say he is. If he actually saw any future with you, Y/N, he would have told you”

Minnie sighed, and it seemed like this very specific conversation about you had escalated into a hatred of most men, “It sounds like a fucked up situationship, and babe… if you give him so much importance it’ll only hurt you. He used you, because you’re so fucking nice. Not that that’s your fault, but…he’s just like every guy I know. They like the thrill of the chase, and when they actually get the girl, they’re bored of her”

A fucked up situationship? Maybe that’s what it actually was. Hyunjin had clearly stated that what you and him had only existed in Daejon. Here you were, calling it destiny, stupidly. Your vision became blurry as tears shot up to your eyes, and it was pathetic because you weren’t even drunk, you were just sad and loaded on strawberry ice-cream, “He’s not like that” 

“Why are you defending him?”

You knew they were wrong. Obviously they were wrong, but is that what this seemed like to the outside world? That Hyunjin used you? Because you were easy…and nice? 

Minnie reached out to touch your shoulder, comfortingly squeezing it, “You can do so much better than him, Y/N. From everything you said… he just sounds manipulative as hell”

You put the empty ice cream cup away, “Yeah” You mumbled, “So…what am I supposed to do now?”

“Get yourself out there! Go on dates. Kiss every guy in Seoul if you want to, if that makes you happy. You’re… fucking amazing. Are you seriously going to wait around for a guy who isn’t even trying for you?”

You’ve never been a casual person, but maybe that is what you need now. You’re done with world-shattering true loves. Even Hyunjin had casually been with girls before you, and the thought stung you that he might even be with girls after you. He only had an issue with relationships…and that’s why he’d pushed you away, because he couldn’t give you one. There’d be thousands of other girls who’d be willing to be with him - no label, no expectations, just sex. Yeah, you did need to get yourself out there. How bad could it be?

»»————-

The text said, Meet at eight.

It’s half past, and your date is not here.

You’d dressed yourself in a tight black dress, very revealing and you could hardly breathe. It was from a fancy store in your neighbourhood, and it was far too expensive, but it’d be worth it for tonight. You did your hair in a style Hana had taught you, and you haven’t dolled up like this in a long, long while. The last time you dressed yourself this much…was for the Paint and Wine event in the Château. Tonight is a first for you and you want to make a real good impression. 

Although, it’s been more than thirty minutes and your date hasn’t shown up. You were sitting at the bar, getting anxious and impatient. Looking around, the place was full, everybody seemed to be on a date, and nobody’s looking at you. Nobody was looking for you. You’re only a little mortified, and the best case scenario is…that he got the timing wrong, or that he got busy and decided this wasn’t worth his time. Minnie told you he’s working, so he obviously has a more hectic schedule than yours. The worst case? That he saw you and left.

“Can I get you anything?” The bartender asked, leaning over the wooden bar, “You’ve been here a while…”

“I’m waiting for somebody to show up. A date…” You explained, and understanding settled into his features. He headed back to the rest of his customers, and you wonder if he’s going to gossip about the poor stood-up girl at the bar. They must see this a lot everyday. This bar seems fancy, your blind date suggested you meet here so he seems like a man with good standards. There’s a dance floor and blaring Latin music, which brings in most of the crowd. You texted Minnie, um am i at the right bar?

shit he’s not there yet?

You decided to order a drink so tonight isn’t useless after all, and you browsed through the flimsy, paper menu. It’s got stains of ketchup on it, and it’s gross but it reminds you that you hadn’t ate in hours. You wanted to be able to fit into this dress and to leave enough room for dinner with him. Your eyes caught sight of the familiar names of drinks that Hyunjin had wanted to make you but didn’t have the ingredients for. You ended up choosing a Tequila Sunrise instead. You don’t really want to taste an Italian Dolce Vita and discover what you missed out on that last night in Daejon with him.

An hour has passed now. You were most definitely stood-up, but you’re stubborn so you would stay until the end of tonight, and if he ever did show up you’d forgive your date in a second. Your drink was empty, you’d chugged it to calm your nerves. Your napkin was soggy, and the other couples who sat at the bar have already made their way to second base: the dance floor where they’re grinding up against each other. You have resorted to playing with the condensation drops on your glass, observing the way the water falls onto the countertop.

A blind date was how this had all started, back in the bowling alley, so why were you getting yourself into it again? Maybe you should have more dignity, and walk away right now, but you were so desperate. If you leave tonight, you’d never work up the courage again to go on a date, and you need this more than anything. You feel so stupid, and maybe Hana’s actions that past summer actually make sense anyway. You would do anything to forget Hyunjin. You’d date …almost anybody to get over him. Even if it’s a guy who kept you waiting for an hour by yourself. 

“Hey. Um. Are you Y/N?” An unfamiliar voice asked. You turned around to see a boy in a maroon button-up. He’s finally here, and your heart calms a little because he’s actually cute. All Minnie had said about him was that he was smart and funny, so it’s a relief that he’s easy on the eyes too. He looked older than you, and he’s got kind eyes and curly hair. Although it’s a bit off-putting that he’s wearing a baseball cap indoors. It felt like you’re both dressed for different occasions, but you are not going to complain. No matter what happens tonight, you can’tcomplain. This isn’t the time to be picky. It’s the time to take whatever life throws at you, because clearly that’s the only way you’re going to find somebody genuinely interested in you.

“Hey, Kang-min, right?” You forced a smile at him, and suddenly you’re so nervous. This is the first real date you’ve ever been on in ages. 

The boy took the empty barstool next to you, and eyed your glass, “Sorry I was late, I had a friend emergency. I hope you’re not drunk already. That’d be mean”

You smiled, watching the way he sat so comfortably like this was routine for him, “It was just one drink. Don’t worry, I just came here too” Just a little white lie so he wouldn’t feel too guilty.

His eyes flickered over your dress, falling to your cleavage, “Did you buy that just for me?”

It was so forward that it caught you off guard. Your eyes widened, and you don’t want to give away how much tonight could possibly mean to you. So you said, “Um. Depends. Do you like it?”

He laughed, gaze on your bare legs and thighs, shamelessly checking you out, “Guess you’ll find out”

You don’t really know what to say so you smile at him, hoping he also likes the shade of red lipstick you’re wearing. He looks around the place, catching a feel for it, and then back at you. He looked at the bartender, snapping his fingers to catch his attention and ordered a drink for himself. A large beer. Tasteful. He looked at you and asked, “So…what’s your damage, pretty?”

“Sorry?”

His drink arrived pretty fast, and he lift the large glass to his lips. In a single go, he finished all of it, and you’re surprised at how fast he drank this. He had foam on his upper lip as he said, “You agreed to go on a blind date. Your last relationship must have been seriously fucked up”

You hoped you masqueraded your frown, “I just wanted to try something new”

“Right…makes sense” He tsked, “So my friend told me you’re an artist”

You smiled, relieved the conversation steered in a direction you were familiar with, “Yup. I study at a studio in the city. It’s an art program under this artist--”

He interrupted you, “I hear artists infamously make almost no money, but I mean you’re living in Seoul. You must be pretty well off” He pointed at you, almost accusatory, a grin on his face, “Let me guess, rich parents. Trust fund. Private school education”

You shook your head, a little offended and surprised that he made such an assumption in five minutes of knowing you, “No. I…I worked a couple of years and saved up for this”

He called the bartender again, to order a second beer and seemed surprised, “That takes some serious hustle. Why art then? You could’ve picked anything in the world”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…not to offend anyone, but there’s no money in art. What’s the point of it then?”

“Um…” You laughed, nervously. You realised that you’ve never been asked this question before. Most people in your life knew you since birth, and never questioned your passion for it, “It’s just what I like to do. It makes me really happy to paint beautiful things—”

“So you don’t paint about real shit?”

“Sorry?”

“I think my personal pet peeve is when people pretend the world is so great and lovely, even though everything’s so fucked up. Seems like you look at the world with rose-tinted glasses, if you only like to paint all the nice, pretty things, and not something that actually matters”

“I think art can be about everything, and that’s the beauty of it. It doesn’t always have to make a social statement, but it can always be interpreted as such. Some art is just about capturing the beauty of our world, and that’s okay too” You forced a smile, wanting to get the heat off you, “Um so you never told me… What do you do?”

He looked at you over the rim of his glass, “I’m a pharmacy tech. In short; I make important phone calls, and deal with horribly annoying people”

So that’s why Minnie said he was smart, “Oh…that must have taken a lot of studying”

“Yeah. Not everyone can do it, but somebody has to” He laughed, “I stepped up. I make good money though. So, um, aren’t you going to get another drink, Y/N or are you a lightweight?”

“I’m good” You smiled, although you were hungry as fuck because you’d been waiting for him so long, “Maybe we could order the food now?”

“Here?” He chuckled, “It’s really not worth it, I only come here for the beer. You didn’t get dinner before this?”

“I…I thought we’d eat together”

He laughed, pushing his curls out of his face, “No, I’d rather get drunk with you…and we can dance”

You looked to the dance floor which smelled of sweat and other things you don’t want to think of, “Maybe we could just talk more. I’ll just get another drink then”

He smiled, then looked at the bartender, “A beer for the lady”

“Actually, I might get wine” 

His eyes narrowed, and he chuckled, “Oh. Let me guess. You want the most expensive one, right?”

You blinked, “Um…no I’m okay with any. The cheapest one is fine too”

He laughed, throwing his head back, “No wine is cheap, pretty. ”

“I can pay for it” You offered. Ugh. You wanted him to like you so bad. 

“No, no, you’re out with me. You should have a real drink” He went ahead and ordered a beer for you. He probably thought you were the most boring girl in this entire city, so you agreed. You needed tonight to go well. Obviously, he wasn’t anything like Hyunjin, but no one could be. If you compared every boy to him, you’d never find anybody. So this would have to do. You sipped on the beer, and it tasted bitter and so horrible, but you swallowed anyway, shooting him a smile. You’d been miserable for long, you needed to let go, and have fun. You could be that kind of girl.

He grinned, reaching forward to grab your thigh, fingers clawing against your skin, “You’re cute”

You were distracted by the suddenness of his touch, and you laughed, nervously, “Thank you. You’re cute too. I like your piercings”

“Yeah?” He tilt his head, smirking, “You’re like the tenth girl to say that to me. I must be doing something right”

You didn’t have much experience with first dates... was it always this fucking awkward? His hand was inching closer up your thigh. You shifted away slightly, hoping he wouldn’t notice. Sure, he was attractive, but you weren’t attracted to him yet. It was too soon. 

“So…you said you’re late because of a friend emergency? What was it?” You wanted hoping to keep the conversation going, and to keep it interesting. You wanted to know more about him. 

“Ugh. Do not remind me” He rolled his eyes.

“Sorry” You apologised, “Is your friend okay?”

“Nope. He ran out of some weed, so I had to run down and get some for him. Even though he knew I had a date tonight and hot girls rank higher in priority than weed”

“Oh…you seem like a good friend”

He was a perfectly cute boy, why couldn’t you let loose? Just because you’d been attracted to Hyunjin from the first time you saw him, did not mean it’d happen with everybody else. That kind of shit was once in a lifetime, and if you started expecting those sparks from every future relationship, you’d be lonely forever. But all you could wish for was him. The way he was around you, how he talked to you… the way your body was on fire when he so much as breathed near you. The thought choked you. There was no way you’d be hung up on him forever. You had to move on. It had to be as fast as possible, and tonight should be it. How often would a guy agree to go on a date with you anyway? 

So, when his hand landed on your thigh again, and slipped under the hem of your dress, you didn’t stop him. You forced a smile, hoping somehow your body would cooperate, and you’d actually start enjoying it. His nails were long, digging into your upper thigh, inching closer to your underwear. 

“Maybe we could play a drinking game or something. To get to know each other better” You suggested. 

“Okay” He agreed, pulling his bar stool closer and leaned in, “Name of the last guy you fucked”

Your eyes widened, “Whoa. You’re getting right to it…” What game was this? Why would he want to know that anyway?

He tilt his head, smirking, “Don’t stall. You have fucked, right?”

Oh… So he just wanted to know if you were a virgin. “Yeah. I have” You tried to change the topic, trying not to feel disgusted at this implication, “Isn’t it my turn to ask you something now? I mean…according to the game”

Kangmin smiled, lazily, running a hand through his curls, “You’re…already playing pretty hard to get though. We’ll have plenty of time to know each other. My place is pretty close. We’ve got all night.” 

So…he probably only picked this bar because he lived close by. Maybe this was his way of flirting with you, or you ended up going on a date with the worst guy in Korea. This was how the rest of your life would be? He leaned in closer to you, and his breath reeked of beer, and you realised in horror that he wanted to kiss you. You couldn’t. You moved away, before his lips could touch yours, hoping your unease would disappear, “Sorry. I’m nervous”

He hummed, almost taking this as a challenge, hand sliding under your dress completely, “A few more drinks then?”

You felt nauseous, instead of turned on. God, what the fuck were you doing here. This was a mistake. You couldn’t do this. “Actually. I’m just…gonna run to the bathroom for a minute” You grabbed your purse. 

He sat up straighter, a smirk on his lips, “Oh? That’s where you want to take this?"

Your eyes widened at his implication, “What? No…I…I just need to go”

“Oh” He looked disappointed, and a little confused, like he couldn’t comprehend why you wouldn’t want to fuck him in a random club bathroom. 

You got up, making your way through the dance floor. When you looked back, he was already ordering another beer for the two of you. You shouldn’t have agreed to this date. You don’t know what you expected. It had surely helped Hana, but she moved on from Yeonjun with Hyunjin. Of course that helped her. For their date, he took her to the coolest Japanese restaurant in Daejon, and a part of you thought tonight could be like that. Of course it couldn’t. That was her. That was him. This was all you. 

It was freezing outside, and there was an alley of smokers right at the exit. Mostly old men, and some younger girls, blowing puffs of smoke into your face as you passed them. You leaned against the brick wall, trying to book a cab, but to your luck, there were none available. Your first instinct was to text Yeonjun, but he was on a work retreat, as far as you remember. Although Jeonghan… had told you he was going to be out in the city today. If he was close enough…maybe he could help you get home. You dialled his number.

“Y/N! how’s it going?” He asked, and then immediately said, “Wait, if you’re calling me in the middle of your date that means—”

“Can you come pick me up? Please. There’s no taxis” You blurted. A few of the smokers were eyeing you up, and you covered your chest with your arms, stepping away from their cloud of smoke, “And um…I don’t feel comfortable taking the train back alone”

He paused, “Uhh…you’re at the bar downtown?” 

“Yeah…I know it’s out of the way. I’m really sorry to bother you, I just—”

“I’m on my way, Y/N. Don’t apologise”

You squeezed your eyes shut in relief. You tried to catch your breath, but there was no fresh air here. Minutes passed so slowly, and you were shivering against the brick wall. Everytime a guy approached you, you just pretended to be on your phone, hoping Jeonghan would be here soon. The back door to the club opened, and your blind date, Kang-min stepped out. He walked straight to you, and he looked…really pissed. You straightened up, watching him get closer. “What the fuck?” He laughed, “I was waiting for you to come back”

“I…I’m sorry” You apologised, “I was feeling sick”

He seemed upset, “You didn’t even pay for your drink”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I just—” You reached into your purse, but just as you did, you spotted Jeonghan on the other side of the street. When he saw you, he did a little jog up to you.

You looked back at Kang-min, “I have to go. My friend is here”

“What?” Your blind date asked, stepping closer.

“Whoa, whoa. Back off, dude" Jeonghan made it to you, eyes narrowed at him, “Let’s go, Y/N” He grabbed your hand, pulling you to his side.

Kang-min laughed, “Whatever. You aren’t even that hot, bitch”

Before you could say anything, Jeonghan tugged at your hand, taking you away from a possible confrontation, “Come on, the subway is close by”

“Fuck. Shit. I’m really sorry” You apologised, running your hands through your hair, trying to process what you just put yourself through. You followed behind him as you walked to the nearest station. He shook his head, making sure you stayed close to him, “No, no don’t be. I’m sorry it took me so long. I missed this stop at first”

Technically, you could have taken the train home yourself, but it was late and…you were in the worst mood. Jeonghan bought the tickets, and you waited at the platform, squeezing your purse in your hands. A little bakery was still open at the station, and he asked, “You already ate dinner, right?”

“Yeah. Let’s just go home” You mumbled. He did not need to know that your supposed fancy dinner date consisted of only cheap beer. You could have some cold pizza when you got home. The train arrived, and you boarded it, standing next to him in a corner, away from the crowd. You were so fucking embarrassed, but he wasn’t judging you.

So no more blind dates for you then… or perhaps it was a work in progress, and you would just have to keep powering through. It wasn’t Minnie’s fault either, she had no idea about the guy being…such an asshole. You stared out at the window as the train whizzed by stations, trying to not feel so sorry for yourself. Jeonghan asked you about the blind date, and you told him the gist of it.

He shook his head, releasing a groan, “That sounds really annoying, sorry. It sucks that most guys I know here are all like that. I’m surprised he even let you leave”

You swallowed, “Yeah. Were you busy when I called?”

“I was just working on an assignment”

“Oh, I’m sorry”

“I’m obviously kidding” He laughed, “It’s a Saturday night, I was at a party at my friends’”

“Oh. Is he gonna be mad you left?”

“It doesn’t matter. I told him my friend needed help getting out of a date. He totally understood. This happens here more than you think, unfortunately” 

Your place wasn’t too far from the bar, and you arrived sooner than you thought. Jeonghan even chose to walk you home, not wanting you to take any deserted alleys on your own. You stopped in front of your building, and he asked you, “You gonna be fine?”

You blew a puff of cold air, leaning against the front wall, “Yeah. I just…I don’t think I should have gone on the date”

He tucked a stray hair behind your ear, smiling at you, “At least you have a funny story to tell the kids”

You scoffed, “What kids? At this rate, I’m going to die alone”

“You’re dramatic. I’m sure the other dates you go on will be better. Hopefully”

“Yeah…” You already dreaded the idea of going on more dates, “I just thought…it’d help me not be stuck in the past, you know? Or maybe the only thing that can help me is that potion from the movie you were telling me about. Eternal Sunshine, was it?”

Jeonghan laughed loudly, “It’s not a potion, Y/N! It’s a science fiction movie, not fantasy”

You rolled your eyes, smiling, “Whatever”

“Maybe we can get you on a dating app. If you’re looking to casually mess around with a decent guy, those are good. It requires more effort, but…some guys are sweet. At least better than the blind date you had”

You smiled, “Hmm. Are you on a dating app?���

“Why? Would you swipe on me, if you saw me on one?” He sounded so coy.

Your eyes flickered over him. Under the lights on the street where you lived, Jeonghan looked pretty. He looked safe. Tonight he was dressed in a simple white tee, a flannel covering him, hanging off one shoulder. You smiled, a flush rising to your cheeks, “No but seriously, thanks for…rescuing me tonight”

“Mmh, that was very damsel in distress of you to call me like that” 

You smiled up at him, “Don’t push it”

“I’m just surprised you actually agreed to go on a date. Minnie and her girlfriend must have had some magical convincing powers”

You sighed, “I thought kissing somebody else would help me. Maybe I should have just let him kiss me, but I might have thrown up if he did. Tonight…was an absolute failure.”

Jeonghan let out a soft hum at your words, “I see”

“What?” You frowned, standing up straighter.

“Ah. Don’t pout. Wasn’t a total failure. I got to see you all dressed up. You’re usually showing up to class in just sweats”

“Are you making fun of my heartbreak?” You laughed, pushing him lightly.

He stumbled back on the curb, laughing, “And are you trying to kill me? Don’t push me onto the road, Y/N!”

You giggled, pulling him back on the sidewalk, “There’s no cars, Jeonghan. You’re so dramatic”

He frowned, throwing his hands up, “I was just saying that if you want to kiss someone tonight. I…wouldn’t be totally opposed to the idea.” 

He floated that suggestion so casually. Your eyes widened at it, and you didn’t know what to make of it, “You’re…joking, right?”

He shrugged, and there was no nervousness, “If your big dream of tonight was to kiss some guy…I mean, you’re my friend. It’s not a big deal”

“So a pity kiss?” You frowned, but a smile tugged at your lips.

He rolled his eyes, “Oh my god. If you don’t want a kiss, then just—”

You didn’t let him finish, stepping ahead, hand grabbing his face down to yours. Your mouth met his, if only to shut him up. He immediately kissed you back, hands threading through your hair, messing up your fancy hair. His lips were rough, but it was nice…because it was different. That’s exactly what you wanted right now, a taste of something new and unfamiliar. Maybe you were trying to prove something by kissing him. He stepped ahead to be closer, and tilt his head, deepening the kiss. Your breath hitched in your throat, and you pulled away. It only lasted a few seconds.

He pulled back too, mouth stained from your lipstick, “Mm. That wasn’t too bad”

You stared up at him, “You’re so annoying”

He hummed, voice breathy, “Your lips are really soft, Y/N. What lip balm do you use?”

You sighed, “I should have just pushed you on the street”

“Ouch. I just gave you a pity kiss and you have the audacity to threaten me?”

“Shut up!” You laughed, shoving him away. You were thankful he didn’t make this awkward and didn’t read into it.

“No, I’m serious. It was really, really good. You’re a great kisser…but I should tell you, and this is really important…”

“Yes…?”

“You taste like cheap beer”

“Ugh…I know” You closed your eyes, feeling tiredness seep into your limbs, “Anyway, I should go”

He nodded at you, “Yup. See you in class tomorrow”

You waved goodbye, making your way up to your apartment, feeling the sensation of his lips on yours still. The kiss was nice…but there was nothing electric about it. It was nothing like what it could be. It’s like you’d taken one step forward, and two steps back. Tonight was all about moving on, but everything that happened had just made you miss Hyunjin more.

»»————-

This time, you bought the coffee. You found a cute table, over by the window, and you waited. Your earphones were plugged in, but it’s on mute, and you’re choosing to listen to the sounds of the cafe instead. The cafe you discovered with your friends was so cute. Plants hung from every corner, and there was cool seating; couches with crochet pillows and pink heart-shaped seats. It had so much personality, and it fuelled your inspiration. It could be your new haven.

The chair opposite you shifted, and Kairi sat down. “There you are. I’m dying for some caffeine” She smiled, cherry-colored lips. She was dressed in a fleece bomber jacket. You shot her a smile, trying to not be nervous, “Hey… Did you want a Mocha? I wasn’t sure if you’d like the same as last time”

“Americano” She told you, settling comfortably like you did this each day. She had been so sweet to you even in the few moments you had with her. She was a breath of fresh air. So, after your failure of a date, you had finally texted her back, and decided to let her into your life. Maybe you could immerse yourself into your new friendships, and you could move on like that. When you were standing in line to buy her coffee, you glanced in her direction and she was smiling at you, fondly. She hadn’t seemed upset that you didn’t text her back for so long. You wondered how much she knew about you, how much Hyunjin told her, or even Chan. 

When you walked back to the table with coffee and snacks, you feared there might not be anything to talk about if she already has existing assumptions of you, but once your conversation started…it didn’t end.

“So you’ve only been here a few weeks right?” Kairi was sipping on her coffee, a plate of half-eaten biscuits laid between you. From here, you had a perfect view of the street and it looked Parisian. It’s good for people-watching, but right now, Kairi’s the most interesting thing here, “You seem like you’re settling in well”

“I think so. I’ve lost track” You answered her, reaching for a biscuit, “I moved here in the fall, and it’s almost winter now, but it also feels like no time has passed”

“You’re so lucky” She hummed. 

You lift an eyebrow, “Why?”

“I’ve always had this crazy dream, to move somewhere new. A place where people would have absolutely no idea who I am. I could have a new name, new job” She laughed, “Like a secret identity”

“Why would you want that?”

She shrugged, wiping biscuit crumbs off her mouth, “I’m curious to see what kind of person I might be in another country… if I’d behave differently, if I’d have different reactions to situations…if I’d have the same kind of friends, or job”

“Oh…wow” You blinked, “You’ve actually thought it through”

“Well, yes” She shook her head, smiling, “You did start over. How’s that been for you, Y/N?"

You leaned back in your seat, it’s a plush leather and pink in color. In this moment, it doesn’t feel like this is the first real conversation you’re having with her, “It’s harder in practice, Kairi. I think your baggage ends up following you everywhere”

She leaned forward, and her eyes were sparkling, “No, but what if it didn’t? What if you could have…a clean slate? What would you do, Y/N?”

“What would I do….?” You’re left wondering. In a way, Seoul was your clean slate, but you’ve let it be tainted by your sadness, “I think I’d move to Paris…or a big city like Milan. I would…have a cool, catchy name, and I’d dye my hair a crazy color”

Kairi laughed, “Really? And what would you do in a city so big?”

“I don’t know. I would love to set up those little stalls at crowded places like the Eiffel Tower, and paint tourists, capturing them at their happiest. People are always so carefree on their vacations, and they’re always dressed their best. Even if I don’t make much money doing their portraits…I’d kill to give them a beautiful memory, something they could hang on their fridge door or something, you know what I mean? It’s not ambitious at all but man, I could imagine doing that for years and enjoying it”

Kairi was smiling wide, eyes crinkling as you talked, and you suddenly felt embarrassed for the way you’d been rambling, “Um sorry. I don’t know what came over me. That’s not what you asked”

This was strange because…you haven’t felt excited like this in a long while. You felt inspired. It’s as if something has changed, just from her presence. She put you at ease. 

“No, you’re so cute. Your dreams are beautifully simplistic” She told you, and you almost blushed.

“What would you do, Kairi? If you could be anyone in the world?” You had a newfound vigor and energy, only from this conversation alone. Was it really so simple to find motivation? 

“I would move to the countrysides of Japan…or an island in Hawaii. Somewhere away from people. It would be nice to have so much time for myself, and not be surrounded by millions of others”

Your heart warmed hearing her talk, “We want the exact opposite things. That’s kind of funny. You should move to Daejon”

Kairi laughed, “Hyunjin told me it was beautiful”

Your smile fell, momentarily, and you nodded, “It is. Yeah. What else did he tell you…about me?”

Her lips parted, to answer, but before she could, your phone buzzed loudly on the table.

“Who is that?” She asked. You looked up at her in surprise. “Sorry” She apologised, cheeky, “I’m nosy like that”

“It’s my neighbour” You told her, reading Jeongin’s text, “Apparently he locked himself out. He needs help getting back in”

She frowned, “That’s annoying”

“Yeah, he’s always helping me get in, like every second day…” You told her, typing in a reply to tell Jeongin you’d be there soon.

Kairi sat up straighter, a sad pout on her face, “I guess that means you have to leave”

“Yeah. Shit” You realised, “I’m sorry. I would like to stay more—”

She reached across the table, grabbing your hand, and you noticed she’s wearing a charm bracelet, similar to one you had, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll just have to make it up to me then”

You tilt your head, “How?”

“Same time. Tomorrow”

You smiled at her eagerness, “Um…I’m not sure if I’ll be free, Kairi. I might have class…”

She squeezed your hand, “Regardless, I’ll be here. I have some work on my laptop…and I prefer to work out here, so…”

And that was it.

You rushed home to Jeongin, helping him get into the building, and he was intensely apologetic of cutting your plan short. He’d been standing on the porch steps, hands in his pockets, and a sheepish smile on his face, “Shit. I ruined your day, didn’t I?”

You shook your head, inserting your keys into the doorknob, “Not at all. I wasn’t going to let you stand out here in the cold. And are we still in the 18th century? You should talk to Mr. Kwon and have digital keypads put in or something. He loves you, so he’d listen to you”

He watched you from where he stood, arms crossed over his chest, “What happened today?”

You glanced back at him, “Sorry?”

“You haven’t had a proper conversation with me in days”

You stilled, not realising that you’d done so, you hadn’t meant to be so flippant, “Jeongin, I’m sorry, I…”

“You don’t need to apologise. It’s good. I like it. You seem chatty today”

You smiled, “Um. I just met a friend for coffee”

“Ah. Is that all it takes to win your heart?” 

You rolled your eyes, “Stop…”

“Is it the same friend that dropped you off the other day? That boy?”

Your eyes widened, “How do you know that? Have you been spying on me”

“You wish” He walked past you on the stairs, “That was an awkward kiss, Y/N. Haven’t your friends in the city taught you anything yet?” 

You gasped, following up after him, “What do you mean it was awkward?”

Jeongin laughed, stopping in front of his apartment door, “I’m kidding. Is that dude your boyfriend?”

You hugged your bag, leaning against the stairwell, “No… he’s just my friend from class”

Jeongin smiled, “I see…well, if you ever wanna hang out with someone not from your class…” He pointed to his door, “My doorbell’s right here”

Then he left, and you stood at the stairwell, a soft smile on your face. 

»»————-

The table by the window with the heart-shaped chairs was occupied. Kairi sat on one side, laptop before her, a cup of tea and a gochujang sandwich with the meat spilled out. The chair opposite her was empty, for you. She didn’t see you when you walked in, too busy typing super fast on the laptop. “No coffee today?” You asked, sitting down. 

She seemed surprised, cheeks dimpling as she smiled at you, looking away from her work, “You made it. How was class?”

You hung your scarf over the back of the pink seat, glancing outside. It could have been a beautiful afternoon, if the weather weren’t so dreary. “It was just work in studio time... I left early.”

“You’re kidding me. I feel special” She grinned, eyebrows raising teasingly. She is special. There’s something about her that’s changed the energy in you, making you get out of bed today.

“I didn’t want to keep you waiting” You admitted, folding your arms on the little table, “And I thought we could pick up where we left off. I was wondering about it all night”

“Hmm, right. You can text me too, you know?” She leaned forward, head in her hands, “You asked me a question yesterday. You still want to know?”

You’d asked her what Hyunjin had said about you, and you swallowed. Immediately there’s a damper in your mood, “I…I was just really curious, because…” What if he talked shit about you? What if all she knew about you were your flaws? Your gut hurt and you shook your head, “Actually, I don’t want to know, never mind”

She sensed the drop in you, “Don’t worry about that. You’re mine to know now”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…I want to know you on my own terms. Not through secondhand stories of your personality. We don’t need to talk about him, at all”

It’s like a weight lifted off your chest, “We don’t…?”

You don’t want your friendship with her to stem from Hyunjin, because…Hyunjin has given up on you. He’s lost all hope for the two of you, and you can’t let that taint this new beginning. In an ideal world, you could erase him from your mind, and nothing would be tainted by the beauty of his existence. He’s ruined everything for you, because the happiness of nothing can compare to him. 

You want the exclusivity of her. She wants to know you without the attached drama of broken hearts. You also want to know the real Kairi, without Chan, and it seems like she wants to know you too, without Hyunjin. 

“We don’t have to ever talk about him, if you don’t want to. I don’t want to spend all our time talking about boys anyway” She smiled, and it’s a relief. Your shoulders relax. You don’t want to relive the past like you did with Minnie and Jamie. 

You smiled too, “Well anyway…I see that you’re having tea today”

She laughed, a pleasant sound that calmed you, “Well, if we’re going to be doing this everyday, I have to start being more healthy”

“Everyday…?”

A single cup of coffee turned into a week’s worth. A week turned into a month, and quickly, it became obvious that she was your favourite person to hang out with in the city. Yeonjun was there, but he was different. Jeonghan and Minnie were closer to you everyday, but you only talked about art. Kairi and you talked about everything, and anything. Anything except him. She told you about her work, about the drama and the gossip with her coworkers. You told her about the movies Felix used to drag you to, and the music that played on repeat in Aera’s. You hadn’t made time for a movie since forever, so one day, she took you to the theater and instead of your routine coffee, you had soda.

You like to sketch while you talk, and she sits across you, finishing up her work. Her corporate job is tough, but you keep each other entertained. Your art still isn’t too inspired. You’re struggling, and you come home to an empty bed each night. There’s nights you get lost in the memories of summer, and there are mornings when you wake up from dreams of him. Sweet dreams. Dirty dreams. Beautiful, out-of reach dreams. In your dreams, he’s yours still.

All your afternoon naps remind you of him. Something about the sunlight, the warm wooden floors and you have an urge to be in his arms. So you stop sleeping during the day. In the moonlight and secrecy of your bed, you still touch yourself to thoughts of only one boy. You can’t help it.

All of the people who said time heals all wounds, were actually right. Each day, the burden is less. It feels like you were inching closer and closer to a state of not just being heartbroken. You had your moments though, like when Jeonghan would take you home after class, the skyscrapers would reflect onto the train windows, and you’d think of how prettier the blinding lights would be through Hyunjin’s eyes. Your own couldn’t capture the beauty he could see.

There’d be moments -- when someone in the coffee shop would order a vanilla iced latte with whipped cream and sprinkles, and your heart would skip a beat, wondering if he’d be on the other end of the counter to take it. But of course, Hyunjin could never walk into a crowded coffee shop in the middle of Seoul.  

On the other hand…Kairi and you are closer every day. The day you invited her to your apartment, she met Jeongin on the staircase, and she fawned over how contagious his smile was. She picked you up from the Atelier one day, and bumped into your friends from class, and she loved them too. She can be intimidating sometimes, with her classy clothes, bold personality…but she has endless love to give to everyone, and she’s not a fan of keeping it hidden. You love that the most about her. It’s easy to be happier around her. You wonder how her and Chan ever made it work. A love like theirs shouldn’t be behind closed doors. 

On a Thursday afternoon, you were none the wiser when she told you, “So…my birthday’s next week”

You spilled your coffee at the revelation, staring up at her in shock, “You’re telling me now?”

Her eyes widened at the reaction, and she pulled out a tissue from the dispenser to wipe the table clean as she laughed, “Why not?”

“That’s…not enough time”

“For?”

“I have to buy you a present”

She giggled, “A present? You don’t need to, Y/N”

You scoffed, and you’re so much more comfortable around her now, “I kind of have an obsessive problem when it comes to birthdays”

She shook her head, “You really don’t need to get me anything. Some of my friends from work are throwing a party, and I’d like you to be there. Obviously”

“A party?”

She smiled, “It’ll be fun. You can invite Jeonghan too. It won’t be too big a thing, but I’m guessing there’s gonna be a lot of plus-ones”

“Where is it?”

She smiled, sipping her coffee in between. She’d given up on tea after the first time, “So…there are these campgrounds outside Seoul. It’s a few hours from the city, it’s alongside the bank of the Han River. There’s a lot of…outdoorsy shit there, volleyball courts, barbecue grills, some cabins if anyone wants to stay overnight, canoes. I was thinking it’d be nice to go there.

“That…sounds amazing actually”

“I don’t know what to wear yet. Everybody’s going to be in swimsuits, since the river’s right there and my friends all love to go out on it, skinny dip and everything”

“Oh wow” You blinked, and Kairi’s friends sound as free-spirited as her, “Maybe…I could help you choose what to wear?”

She clapped her hands, a wide smile on her face and you love seeing her like this, “Perfect. I know what we’re doing tomorrow”

»»————-

The curtains of the trial room parted, and Kairi stepped out, doing a spin for you. The lights of the boutique are harsh, but Kairi looks amazing. She doesn’t dress up much — you’ve seen her entire range of dark sweaters, and graphic jackets over the weeks by now.

“Shit, you look amazing” You realised, eyes roaming her figure. A black bikini hugged her tightly, and it was the sexiest swimsuit you’d ever seen. Under the bust, two silver chains hugged her torso, sparkling under the store lights, wrapping around her navel too.

She had a smile on her lips, and she seemed satisfied with it too, “Is this the one?”

You’re in a cute boutique, it sells dresses and swimsuits and silver jewellery. It’s decorated prettily, and there’s not many people here because it’s not summer. It’s rapidly approaching winter, and in a few weeks, it’ll be Christmas. 

“It’s the one” You nodded, standing up to circle around her, “You look…gorgeous. Everybody will fall in love with you”

Her smile fell at those words.

You must have said the wrong thing, “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, “Chris would love it so much. He was always hyping me up, especially when I bought new clothes because I barely ever did”

She didn’t talk about him much. In fact, this was one of the first few times she brought him up. Every time she did talk about him, it was with confidence. They had broken up ages ago, but she was never angry about it. How does she possess such ease in her, to talk of a failed love? If it was so confident, why would it end?

With trepidation, you voiced your thoughts, “Can I…ask you what happened?” 

It was a shot in the dark, of course. She didn’t have to tell you the truth, and you could handle not knowing. She wasn’t surprised you’d asked. She just sat down on the boutique floor, stretching her legs onto the fluffy carpet, “Uh…it’s not that big of a deal”

You joined her, crossing your legs, touching her hand, “You can tell me, but only if you’re comfortable with that”

“Someone threatened to kill me” She chuckled.

“What?”

“It was probably an empty threat” She shrugged, “No big deal”

“But…why? What, I don’t understand?”

She tilt her head, “You know Yoko Ono?”

“John Lennon’s wife?”

She nodded, “After she got married to him, and The Beatles broke up…everybody blamed her for it. Apparently he was putting her before the music, and she was one of the reasons the band ended. Could you imagine how much people hated her? They singlehandedly blamed her for the breakup of…the most iconic band in the world”

Your brows furrowed, “But what has that got to do with you?” 

“A few months ago, a paparazzi spotted Chan…at a luxury store” She breathed in. Your heart skipped a beat, watching Kairi talk.

“I guess he was…looking at engagement rings. I don’t know for sure. Maybe he was buying something for himself” She breathed, “But after the news of that came out and people realised that the Bang Chan may be getting married…”

“Oh…”

“People think I’m gonna be the Yoko Ono here” She forced a smile, “That he’s gonna get caught up in this relationship, and not pay attention to their music. That he’ll choose me over the fame”

“Kairi…I’m so sorry” You traced a soothing circle on her skin, but you had goosebumps from just listening to her, “That’s fucking unfair”

“Anyway, those pictures were the beginning of the threats. I wasn’t too concerned…because honestly, Chris is the only thing that mattered to me, if he was happy, if he was okay. As long as he was good, I would be too. But Pegasus thought they were real. And Chris…he was scared for me”

“I’d be scared too”

She let out another scoff, but she was shaking, and you could tell how much this bothered her, “So instead of marrying the love of my life…we broke up.”

Your chest wrenched, “I’m…so sorry, Kairi”

She nodded, head bending down, and squeezed your hand, “I’m sorry too. It’s stupid that the entire life me and him had planned together may not ever happen because of a few threats posted online by losers. Maybe they were real though. I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know”

“Couldn’t the company do something about it?”

She scoffed, “The company won’t do shit. They can protect Chris all they want, but they’d never step up to protect his partner. Their entire image revolves around them being single…and available. Sex sells. Their sex appeal is more important to them than his life” 

It wasn’t a competition, but her heartbreak was much worse than yours. She had everything, and then she lost it. You mumbled, and you hurt for her, “It’s…not fair at all”

“Yeah. Anyway, me and Chris weren’t getting along towards the end of that. We disagreed on a lot of shit.” She nodded, lifting her head up to meet yours, “The breakup was hard on the others too. Especially Hyunjin, he…” She paused, “It’s almost like he took it personally” 

The name sang to your heart, coursing through your veins like lifeblood, making your pulse quicker. “He loved the two of you together” You ended up saying. 

Kairi smiled at you, “He tell you about us?”

“Yeah…he said I’d really love you”

She smiled, eyes crinkling, “He was clearly right about that” 

“Can I… ask you something?” You said, and she nodded, “Do you ever think you’ll get back together?”

She smiled, “I mean, I can hope, but unfortunately…the decision would have to lie with Chris. If things go wrong, he could lose everything. I would lose nothing…except him. So in the end, it’s up to him. Right now, I think it’s impossible. In summer, a news website threatened to publish about our relationship. Chris isn’t equipped to deal with the fallout that comes with that”

“Oh…I’m sorry”

She took another breath, “Um, we should probably get off the floor before the employees sees us. It’s your turn to try on a bikini anyway”

You couldn’t understand where she conjured up all her positivity from, and you shook your head once you realised what she’d said, “Oh, no Kairi, I have a swimsuit already”

She shrugged, tugging your arm to make you stand up, “You’re going to get a new one though. It’s my birthday, you have to”

“But…” You protested, as she lightly shoved you towards the rack. Tons of bikinis hung on it, ranging from all different styles and colors. Ombre, mismatched, bejeweled. “I don’t know…” You touched the material of a blue one, wondering how you’d pick one.

“How about this lilac?” She asked, pulling a set out. It was too sexy, and too out there. It was the kind of thing Hana would force you to wear. Kairi must have noticed the drop in your expression, because she spoke, “Actually, I’m sure we can find another one”

After some looking around and a lot of nudges from her, you settled on a red bikini set. It was…beautiful. It looked like a thing you’d see on a model in a catalogue. There were metal hearts instead of strings, on either side of the underwear. You’d never be one for vanity, but right now…you could stare at yourself for hours. It fit you perfectly, like nothing else ever had, almost as if it was made for just your body, nobody else’s. When you stepped out, Kairi was patiently waiting on the ottoman. She was rocking her heels back and forth, and she still hadn’t changed out of her final pick, “Holy shit” She grinned, “We’re…gonna look so fucking hot!”

You giggled, “You’re looking forward to it, right? I wanna help your friends plan it too, if that’s okay”

She pulled you into a hug, warm arms enveloping around you. You were still in your swimsuits with the tags on, but you melted into her embrace as she mumbled, “Of course that’s okay! Plus, you’re gonna be there …so I’m not worried about anything”

»»————-

The campgrounds were beautiful, and the party was in full swing. Green grass stretched for miles, running alongside the Han river. Bordering on the outskirts of Seoul, it was far from all the noise, the pollution, and the constant ringing of the sirens. They weren’t just normal campgrounds though. Instead of cabins, there were little glass houses, hidden beneath trees with floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out onto the river, which people could book for vacation rentals all year round. Everything in the city was more boujee. Even nature. It’s like the city folk had figured a way to camp without the mosquitos and the discomfort and glamorised it, fit for celebrities and socialites.

A volleyball court was constructed on a stretch of sand, and a wooden dock extended onto the river, canoes attached to it that anybody could borrow. Pink and yellow inflatables floated down the water, occupied by some of Kairi’s friends who were already so drunk and it was only midday. 

Pretty lanterns hung across poles, the only lighting for this place, and even a freaking DJ booth was set up by the bonfire. It all had a modern festival vibe, and Kairi told you that this place usually booked a lot of small rock gigs over weekends. The campgrounds were public, but she had rented out an area for the day. Her friends from work were originally supposed to be planning everything, but you were also helping them now. For someone who hated parties, you sure loved planning them. It was a perfect distraction, from the stress of classes. The venue for Felix’s birthday had been naturally beautiful, but it couldn’t compare to the extravagance of the city.

You’d driven up here in the early hours of the morning, and Jeonghan had been a boon. He’d helped you unload the crate of beers from his car, loading them into ice-cold pink coolers you’d situated every few metres across the riverbank. It was a hotter day than usual, despite the city being on the brink of imminent snowfall, so cold drinks…were a must.  

Most people had arrived at the campgrounds in the late afternoon, checking in at the front-desk before making their way towards the river. Kairi had a ton of friends, most of them from work, and you weren’t the corporate type, so you maintained a little distance, choosing to be orchestrating everything behind the scenes more. That’s why you were at the barbecue right now, grilling meat for some hotdogs.

Jeonghan had long abandoned you. His red swim shorts are easy to spot, and the official dress code of this party was just swimwear. He was supposed to be helping you cook but he was stretched out on the riverbank, sketching instead. He must have been really inspired, and from where you stood, you could see him with his feet up in the sky, nose buried in a little sketchbook. It was sweet of him to come, and he was the only person you knew, so you were grateful that he was here. 

A frisbee whizzed past you, and you looked up to see Kairi giggling. “Shit! I almost hit you, didn’t I?” She looked beautiful, and the silver chains on her swimsuit sparkled in the sun as she ran around the grass, indulged in a serious game of frisbee with her friends. You smiled back at her, “I’ll forgive you, but only because it’s your birthday”

Ever since she’d told you the truth of what went down between her and Chan, you’d grown fonder of her, and almost protective in a sense. She was so much stronger than you, and you could learn a little from her in terms of positivity. She had introduced you to all her friends, but they were too many names for you to remember. Sohee, Jinsoo, Eric, etc. You’d assigned yourself to the snacks, not feeling too confident in greeting her guests. 

“Do you want it crispy all the way through?” You called out to her, pork belly sizzling against the pan as you tossed it. This made you feel useful. It was better to not let your mind wander, instead you filled it with little responsibilities such as this.

She ran up to the grill, frisbee still in her hands, “Why are you all the way over here?”

You gestured to the barbeque, and the plates of snacks, “Somebody’s got to feed your guests”

“They can feed themselves, Y/N. We should go in the river while the sun is still out!” She grabbed your arm, and started leading you away from the barbecue, “I’m sure Nate can take over anyway” 

You weren’t going to argue with that. You’d missed swimming, and being in the water, so, you let her pull you into the river. In the cold water, surrounded by nature on all sides, it almost felt like home. Kairi swam over to you, a big smile on her face, “Fuck. The sun feels so good” 

You drifted closer, smiling, “I’m glad you’re happy. It’s kind of your day, you should be” 

“I’m really, really fucking grateful that dude spilled a drink on me and we met in that club bathroom…”

You laughed, clasping your hand with hers as you swam in the water together, “Well. I’m sure there’s nicer ways for us to meet”

She rolled her eyes, “No, are you kidding? That was the best one. I needed someone like you in my life”

You giggled, “Someone like me?”

“We haven’t even know each other that long, if you think about it. Honestly, I never even thought you’d text me back, because…of him” She paused, “But I think you sacrifice your peace for others, and…I don’t know anyone else like you”

You swallowed, and you didn’t want to get emotional in the middle of the river, “Kairi…tell me you didn’t bring me in the water just to make me cry”

“Actually” She corrected herself, a small chuckle following, “I did know one person like you”

You don’t have to probe to know she’s talking about Chan.

“You remind me of him. As crazy as that sounds” She hummed. 

“I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you” You apologised, and you were caressing her shoulder now, rubbing it.

She wrapped her arms around your waist, and her body felt warm against yours, “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry I keep bringing him up. It’s like second nature for me. Does the same ever happen with you…?”

There can’t be a better day than today for you to move on, so you forced a smile, “No. I don’t think of Hyunjin anymore. It’s in the past…” It’s a complete lie, but one day, you’re hoping it will come true. Kairi doesn’t know everything that happened in the end and she doesn’t need too. She doesn’t know he gave up on you, all she knows…is that you don’t talk anymore. 

Resignation settled in her gaze, “So…you’re completely okay with him?”

You nodded, “Yup. Anyway, um I don’t know about you but… I’m starving. Should we get the hotdogs?”

Kairi blinked but didn’t question your change of topic, “Sure. That’d be perfect”

You waded out of the water, jumping back onto the riverbank, and the air was prickly cold, but the sun was still warm in the sky. The DJ booth set up in the distance had a party playlist on repeat, and tons of people were dancing, some of Kairi’s friends, some just locals who were enjoying this area. The water droplets on your skin looked like glitter, and you ran over to the barbecue grill, dripping wet. Kairi’s friends, Sohee and Eric were indulging in a platter of pork ribs and grilled chicken, perched on a picnic table. They smiled at you as you approached them, “The water nice?”

You nodded, hugging yourself, “Mmh, you guys should get in while it’s still warm! If you guys don’t mind…could I please borrow a plate for Kairi?”

“Of course. Help yourself” Sohee smiled, black sunglasses resting on her head, and she was in a white one-piece swimsuit, “You’re…Kairi’s artist friend, aren’t you? We’ve heard a lot about you”

You laughed, flushing, “I hope good things”

Eric laughed, “You bet. Hey, we’re playing volleyball later, if you wanna join?”

You grabbed a plate of the sausages and bulgogi, “That sounds cool. I’m a terrible shot but I might join!” They laughed and you picked up some disposable cutlery, heading back to Kairi.

She was out of the water now, sunbathing on the grass and Jeonghan sat at her side. 

“I got you some meat” You handed her the plate, balancing it on her stomach. Her arms were stretched behind her head, and she squinted under the sun at you, “Thanks, baby”

The term of endearment brought a flush up your chest, and you sat cross-legged next to her. It was crazy how fast you’d grown fond of each other, as if you were always destined to be such good friends. As you ate off her plate, Jeonghan brought you a couple of drinks. It seemed like he’d finally abandoned his sketchbook in favour of enjoying the place around him. Jeonghan yawned loudly, “This weather makes me want to take a nap”

“Well, I really don’t mind if you do” Kairi suggested to him.

Jeonghan laughed, “Really? I wouldn’t be the lamest person at this party?” 

“You won that title hours ago” You joked. Jeonghan gasped dramatically, and lightly shoved you, “It’s rude that you’re not my self-proclaimed hype girl”

You pushed your sunglasses up your head, staring at him and trying not to laugh, “I’m sorry…your what?”

He blew a puff of air, and laid his head on your lap, “You know…I’m like always hyping you up in class. Making you laugh when you’re miserable—no offence— and even rescuing you from pathetic blind dates. You’re not gonna do the same for me?” He bit into a sausage, sauce smeared across his lips.

“You’re such a messy eater” You commented.

His eyes were closed and he smiled, “You can lick it off me, if it’s bothering you”

Kairi sat up, laughing, “What is going on with you two?”

You shook your head, “Nothing. He flirts with me when he’s drunk”

It was rapidly approaching nightfall, and that’s what you hated the most about winter: shorter days, longer nights. The sun set behind the forest, settling warm rays on your skin, drying the water from your swim off.

You smiled, indulging in this moment, wishing every day could be the same. You were in a beautiful place, with new friends and this could be your blank slate. Tonight could mark what you and Kairi had talked about – a real, fresh start. For the first time in weeks, your chest didn’t hurt. 

»»————-

You knew you were terrible at coordinated sports, and it became obvious to everyone else too when you missed the fifth volleyball headed your way. Eric on the other team, did a fist-bump with his teammate at your loss, and Sohee sighed, “Just catch one, Y/N!”

You threw your hands up, a giggle escaping you, “You guys asked me to join. I told you I’m horrible at this stuff!” There were two teams, and the one with you was… horribly failing. Nobody took it too seriously so it was okay, it was for fun. It was just insane to you that you were playing volleyball next to the freaking river with strangers in Seoul. If past you found out about it, she’d absolutely freak out. You were counting every blessing, grateful to be here in the city, and you were making the most of tonight. You’d made Jeonghan join with you, and he was on the other team. Kairi was somewhere by the bonfire, dancing, and you could her loud singing along all the way over here.

“Just try to catch this next one, okay?” Jeonghan called at you over the net. 

You were horrible at bowling too, but Seungmin had taught you once and after that you hadn’t been half as bad. All you had to do was focus, and channel all your built-up energy into shooting the ball, not get distracted by every other thing happening. You’d seen Sohee shoot enough successful ones to try to imitate her. So, you stepped up, rooting your feet in the sand, and she was cheering you on in the background. You didn’t even know her, so it was funny that she cared this much. 

Jeonghan across the fence tossed the ball towards you. You don’t know what prompted you to jump, and this time you actually hit it with all the energy you could muster, your fist making contact with the ball, and it shocked Jeonghan so much that he forgot to serve entirely. “Are you kidding me?” He cried, crawling under the net to run up to you. He pulled you into a hug, arms wrapping around your body, “I knew you had it in you! All you needed was a little bit of humiliation to get you there”

“I barely hit!” You giggled, hugging him back, and his torso was warm to the touch, “And you’re supposed to be on the other team, but…thanks”

He rolled his eyes, holding you tight in his grip, “I’ll gladly let you win any day”

He was so touchy tonight. It must be the mix of alcohol, adrenaline and being away from the stresses of the art studio. His hand lingered on your waist, drifting close to your ass but you didn’t stop him. It was silly because you weren’t even into sports, you didn’t care about this volleyball game, but you were smiling widely, and it wasn’t forced. 

Jeonghan let go of you, steadying you on the sand, and in your happy daze, you got up on your toes and kissed him, threading your hands through his hair. It was frizzy from the wind, and you settled on the nape of his neck. He smiled into the kiss, pressing your body to his, and he was only in his little swim-shorts, and you were only in your bikini so most of your skin touched his. It was a strange feeling, to be so physically close to somebody who wasn’t Hyunjin, but that would never happen again, and to curb the hurt, you kissed him deeper.

Sohee was laughing in the background, “You guys know the game isn’t over yet, right?” 

This kiss didn’t mean anything, yet it meant everything. It meant that you could let go. Hyunjin didn’t want you in his life, and one day you’d be okay with that. Right now, you had to live in this moment. You wound your arms tighter around Jeonghan’s neck, and you kissed him deeply, and he was probably surprised that you were giving in so much, because he knew this wasn’t anything special. You surprised yourself too. 

Kairi calling your name is what made you pull away from him, cheeks flushed with adrenaline. She was walking over to you, and you ran up to her, across the makeshift volleyball court, “Babe! Did you see me hit that ball?”

She looked like she’d seen a ghost though, and she reached for your hand, “Y/N. I need you, please”

“Wait, what’s wrong?” You frowned, stepping out with her.

She was fumbling over her words, “He’s here. Y/N. He’s here” Her eyes were wide in despair. She looked like she was going to cry, staccato mumbling, “I don’t know what to do” 

You grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the game, You’d never seen her in such a state, “Kairi, please calm down. Who’s here? What’s going on?”

She squeezed her eyes shut, a tear spilling out, “Chan…Chan is here”

Fucking hell.

“Hey, hey, hey. Kairi, I need you to calm down, okay?”

Your heart had dropped into your gut, but you had to be there for her. She was breathing heavy, and her eyes were filling up with tears, smudging her mascara and her silver eyeliner, “I don’t know what to do. If I talk to him, I’ll end up doing something stupid, like kiss him or something”

You grabbed her gently by the shoulders, so she could look only at you and not be stimulated by the rest of the party, “I’m gonna handle it, okay? Kairi. I’ll take care of it. You don’t have to do anything”

Her eyes were wide, “What? You will? Are…are you sure?”

“Of course. It’s Chris, I got this” You held her chin, fingers caressing her jaw, “Today is your day. I don’t want you to stress about anything”

She let out a breath, a tear escaping, “Thank you, Y/N. I’m sorry, I just got really overwhelmed, I wasn’t expecting to see him and…I don’t know if he knows I’m even here”

“What do you want me to say to him?”

“Just…don’t send him away. I don’t want him to get hurt. But please…find out why he’s here. I’m so…fucking confused. Why today? What does he want?”

“I’ll talk to him” You looked around, eyes landing on a concerned Jeonghan. He was still playing the game, but his focus was on the two of you, “Can you go hang out with Jeonghan till then?”

She nodded absentmindedly, seemingly so lost, “Thank you...Fuck, I just…don’t know how to deal with this right now”

“Jeonghan?” You called out, and it only took him a second to abandon the game and run up to you. His eyes observed Kairi’s fragile state, “What’s up? Is everything okay?” 

“Can you take her to the dock? I’ll catch you there in a bit, okay?”

He glanced at her, no questions asked, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Of course, no problem” He smiled at you, a dazzling grin that told you he’d take care of it, “Catch you in a few” 

Then he took her away, leading her towards the other side of the campgrounds. The dock was nearer to the woods, hidden between the trees and the rocks, away from Chan. You’re sure the physical distance from the rest of the party would help Kairi calm a bit. You glanced at the volleyball game. They were all standing and waiting for you. Sohee had her hands on her hips, “You coming back?”

“I’m gonna have to ditch the game, sorry! Win for me, okay?” You shot her a smile.

“We’re gonna kick your ass, Y/N!” Eric yelled across. You laughed, waving them a goodbye as you walked over to the bonfire. That’s where Kairi said she saw him. You couldn’t understand. Why would Chan be here, and how had he heard about this party? Things between them had long ended, and there was no logical reason for him to come here suddenly. You were proud of yourself for staying calm though. Kairi was what mattered tonight, and you could easily deal with her ex.

There was a dance party situation happening around the fire. Everyone had congregated near it, and the DJ had long given up on playing good songs, settling for dance club music instead. From here, you could see the bonfire. One of Kairi’s friends, Jinsoo ran up to you, “Y/N, hey! Do you know where the rest of the beer is?’

You stopped to explain, you’d somehow become the unofficial host for this party and everyone must have noticed how close you and Kairi were. “Um, it should be in a pink cooler. We unloaded near the cabins”

“Great, thanks!” She smiled at you, running back there. Your eyes scanned the crowd around the fire. The sand here was warm, and it felt so good between your toes. Everybody was drinking, and dancing, making it harder for you to find him. You’d never seen Chan in person, but you’d seen so many pictures of him. It’d be second nature to recognise him. 

Then, you spotted a boy by the fire, gaze frantically looking around the campgrounds, and you stepped up to him, making your way through the people dancing.

He was in a black sweatshirt, and dark jeans and he stood out, surrounded by girls in bright-colored bikinis, and boys in expensive swim-shorts. There was no telling from his stature that he was someone famous, which is probably why none of the guests were giving him a second look. You wonder if any of Kairi’s friends had ever known about their relationship. You weren’t nervous about this interaction, even though you should be. This was Hyunjin’s best friend. Why were you not freaking out? Maybe because you’d do anything to make sure Kairi had a good night.

“Chris?” You asked, voice low. You didn’t want to spook him.

At hearing his name, he turned to face you. Your heart jumped at the sight. He was beautiful in person. None of the pictures could do him justice. In the pictures, he had stage makeup and styled hair. Right now, natural curls fell into his face, and he looked so simple, like any other guy you’d pass by on the street.

“Hey. You’re Chris, right?” You spoke, and the only thing making you nervous was him looking right into your eyes, “I’m uh…I’m one of Kairi’s friends.” It was best to not say your name. His gaze was…very intense but you had to keep cool for her, so you smiled. A genuine, warm, smile. 

The tension in his shoulders dissipated as understanding settled in his face, and he stepped up to you, clearing his throat, “Hey. Um, I go by Chan actually”

“Chan…” You repeated, smiling at him, fiddling with your fingers, “I wasn’t really expecting you to show up”

He sighed, hands in his pockets, “I know… I’m not on the guest list” 

“She didn’t know you’re coming tonight” 

“I wasn’t planning to” He answered, taking in another breath, and his voice was shaky, “I came straight from the studio. I drove…three straight hours to get here, on a whim. I know I’m not dressed for the party, but I need to see her right now”

Oh, wow… You hope you didn’t sound rude but this was in her best interest, so you said, “I’m sorry…I don’t know how to say this… but she’s not feeling great about this. How did you even know about the party?”

He was about to answer but it’s like he couldn’t find the words, struggling. Had he come here just to wish her for her birthday? It was hugely romantic, but there must be more he wanted to say.  What would make him drive all the way here?

“Channie, she is not by the cabins either!” Someone yelled out.

You would recognize that voice anywhere.

Your heart stopped beating.

Within seconds, somebody came running up through the shadows of the trees. The air left your body, and you couldn’t breathe.

Hyunjin.

He stepped out into the light and all of the noise around you died. 

The waves of the river were suddenly quiet, the forest was mute, the music was silent. Only your pulse ringing in your ears.

He was here. He was here. He was here.

Immediately, his gaze landed on you, and he stopped still in his footsteps. 

There was no hiding his surprise. There was no pretending, or feigning of emotions. His mouth parted, eyebrows shooting up, eyes wide as he saw you. 

Vision blackening, clouding, blurring, you could only see him in the centre, and your gut started squeezing you from the inside out. 

Dark hair tied up into a bun, half of it hanging to his shoulders, he looked like he always did. Fucking unreal. He was dressed so simply, black sweater blending into the darkness. He got prettier each time you laid eyes on him. So fucking beautiful and you hated him for it.

His eyes were on yours, thick lips parted in shock, and it was cruel how your heart leapt out of your chest, as if you hadn’t been training to tame it all this while. The last time you saw him… flashed through your mind, memories pricking at you like a hundred thousand needles stabbing into your body. He left you, before you even had a chance. He didn’t even know you loved him.

You’d been trying so hard to move on, but here he fucking was, the one place you didn’t think he could be.

But you needed to be strong, for Kairi. This was all for her, and she was your saving grace. So you looked away from him, even if it took all of your fucking willpower. Your gaze found Chan, and suddenly the noises were back. The party was raging, the river was loud, the forest full of cacophony. Chan was saying your name repeatedly, and you’d tuned out completely. So had Hyunjin it seemed…because he snapped back to reality, a click going off in his head, and turned to his friend.

Chan stepped closer to you, “You’re Y/N…?”

You nodded, no words escaping at him recognising you. You’d been recognised. Of course you had. You and Hyunjin had been fucking staring at each like fools. It was a dead giveaway.

“I need to see her, Y/N.”

You ignored the peripheral gaze burning in the side of your face. Don’t fucking look at him. You stared right at Chan, “Chan, I can’t…”

“There’s something I need to say to her…and after that I’ll leave, I promise you” There was desperation in his voice, one you’d felt all these months.

It was the most difficult thing to not look at Hyunjin, when he was fucking staring at you. He’d always had your entire attention, any room he was in but right now you couldn’t afford to do that. It was so hard for you to ignore him, but it had been so easy for him before. You could do that to him too.

“I don’t know. She’s…really upset” You turned around, glancing over at the dock, then back at him, “Why tonight? She wants to talk to you, but—”

“I know you’re just trying to do right by her. Something I should have been doing all this time” He closed his eyes, “I understand if you’re gonna ask me to leave, but I promise you. If she says she doesn’t wanna see me, I’ll walk right out.”

You shook your head, guilt overwhelming you, “Chan—”

He continued speaking over you, “But if you’ve ever been in love, or…or loved someone, you’d understand why this is so fucking important to me”

You stared at him, lost for words. If you’d ever been in love…?

Hyunjin’s gaze on you was stronger than ever. It burned you.  

He had said nothing this whole time. What was he thinking? You wanted to climb into his brain, read his mind and know what he thought of this question. Did Hyunjin have any fucking idea how much you loved him? You were so stupid crazy in love, you missed his silence too. And did Chan even understand the significance of what he was asking you? All of your emotions were cascading on top of each other, and the sane part of you was drowning in the waves. It was hard to speak, but you finally found the words, “She’s… by the docks. You can find her there”

They were the right words because Chan’s eyes lit up instantly, a smile spreading on his face, and he was beautiful like this, a warmth and comfort emanating from him. He was prettier when happy, and it looked like he couldn’t believe you’d said yes, “Thank you. Shit, thank you, Y/N. You’re an angel” He turned to Hyunjin, “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Hyunjin asked him. His voice sent shivers down your spine.

“No, I…got this” Chan swallowed, and he suddenly looked nervous and doubtful of this.

Hyunjin stepped close to him, voice dropping, “It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine”

Chan nodded, eyes closed, “I’m just…fucking anxious. What if she asks me to leave?”

“Channie” Hyunjin repeated, in a low voice, hand landing on his shoulder, “I’m right here if you need me, okay?”

He took a deep breath, and Hyunjin pulled him into a half-hug. You stood by, unsure what to do, staring at them. You were still trying to wrap your head around whatever the fuck was happening right now. In seconds, Chan took off towards the dock, where you’d told him Kairi was. You watched his retreating figure, hoping you made the right choice. He seemed genuinely apologetic, for whatever had went down between him and her. 

His departure… left you and Hyunjin by the bonfire. Just by yourselves. So, you finally looked at him.

He was staring at you. 

In the glow of the embers, Hyunjin looked almost sinister, he looked dangerous in the way that you wanted him, even now. Dark shadows cutting across his face, he’d only grown more into the version of him you’d ran into the storage closet. Taller stature, stronger arms, piercing gaze.

You suddenly felt conscious…being in this tiny swimsuit, and your arms came up around yourself to cover up somehow. It hurt too much to see him this close, after everything that had happened. You’d been giving up your soul to forget him, and he’d just decided to show up, now? It was unfair. You had to be the bigger person here, and you were going to leave. You didn’t owe him a conversation, not after he’d shown you how easy it was for him to forget all about existence.

So, you turned to walk away, but then Hyunjin spoke, “I didn’t know you were going to be here”

At first, you almost didn’t hear him, over the music, over the laughter, over the river. You stopped in your tracks, squeezing your eyes shut, wishing he’d never spoken. 

You didn’t look at him as you mumbled, “Yeah…you wouldn’t be here if you knew”

It came out more venomous than you wanted, and you didn’t wait to see his reaction. But he asked you, “What are you doing here then?”

You turned to look at him, and fuck it hurt every bit of you. You hope you had a stable tone, arms crossed across your chest, because how the hell could he ask you that? “I’m… kind of the host”

His eyes widened, genuine surprise in it, “You are…?”

Well, he would’ve known that if he’d let you be in his life. Why had he pushed you away? Why had he not even tried to keep in touch with you? Was cutting off all contact the only way he knew how? 

“I have to go” You mumbled, feeling hurt all over again, “There’s drinks in the corner if you want”

Hyunjin began to say something, but he was stopped because somebody yelled your name, interrupting whatever he could have said. What was Hyunjin going to say?   

Jeonghan ran over to you, laughing, oblivious to everything around him, “You know Sohee’s going around saying you abandoned her during the game?"

You blinked, looking up at him, “She knew we weren’t going to win anyway”

He laughed loudly, and he was clearly tipsy by the way he talked, “What can I say? You’re a very wanted woman tonight, like five people stopped to ask me where you were. Also, you do remember that you’re the only person I know at this party? You can’t just leave me alone. I might actually end up missing you”

“Right, I forgot” You stifled a smile, “I was doing something for Kairi. Speaking of which…you left her alone?”

“I’m sorry…” He sighed, “There was this dude that wanted to talk to her…she asked me to leave them. And, I did not come tonight to babysit her. I’ve only met her like one time!” 

You laughed, “Really? It is her birthday, Nate. What did you come here for then? ”

He shook his head, smiling, “Oh, being coy suits you, Y/N. It’s sexy”

“What?” You laughed. Before you could even register it, he wrapped his arms around you, picking you up in a little spin and twirl. A surprised noise escaped you, and your hands came to brace yourself against his bare chest. He was grinning at you, completely oblivious to the fact that someone was watching you. You almost forgot where you were, and who was watching, a giggle escaping you. “Nate—” You mumbled, pulling away, hands on his chest.  

“What?” He frowned, and only then he saw Hyunjin standing there, watching all of this take place. “Oh…hey, man” Jeonghan smiled at him, “Wow…you are way too overdressed for this party. Take your shirt off or something”

Hyunjin’s gaze was on the arm around your waist. There was an unrecognisable emotion in his eyes. You’d seen jealousy on him before and this wasn’t it. This… was something else entirely. An emotion so intense that you felt scared of what he was holding inside.

He was frowning, furrow in his forehead, and then he glanced at you, a sudden indifference in his voice, “Where did you say the drinks were again?”

You swallowed, “By the cabins…”

“Oh, I can show you” Jeonghan offered, and you wish he wasn’t so nice to everybody.

Hyunjin’s brows shot up at the suggestion, and you were afraid he’d say something mean, but of course Hyunjin wasn’t mean, so he forced a smile, “Cool. Sure”

Jeonghan began walking away with him, and your grip on his hand was tight, you yanked him back, whispering, “What do you think you’re doing?”

He smiled, whispering back, “Relax. Just showing some hospitality. Also I think that guy’s famous”

You sighed, closing your eyes, because he was impossible to argue with, “Fine, but…get me a drink too”

“Will do” He grinned, leaning in to kiss your cheek. You watched them walk away, and you could hear Jeonghan say, “I’m Nate by the way, only she’s allowed to call me Jeonghan. Don’t ask me why though” 

You couldn’t pick up on what Hyunjin said in response and you itched to know, but…you had to hold back. You stood still, feet rooted to the sand as Jeonghan led Hyunjin to the cabins, and the coolers that lay there, filled with beers. You couldn’t watch for long, because somebody grabbed your arm, turning you around, “Why are you by yourself?” Sohee, from the volleyball game asked, “Come on, you can dance with us!”

“I’m not in the mood, sorry” You apologised, walking away from the fire. What would they talk about? You hope Jeonghan didn’t bring up how miserable and depressed you’d been this whole time. Would Hyunjin talk about youto him? Would he ask him what you and Jeonghan were? Did he…even care?

Sohee laughed, “What? Shut up. You’re dancing with us. You already ditched us in the game”

“I think I’m just gonna go get a drink” You tried to decline, as politely as you could, without being a spoilsport or a downer. She stopped you, hand on your wrist, “What’s wrong?”

“I just…don’t wanna dance. I’m sorry” You gently pulled your arm out of her grip, walking nearer to the river. You could already feel it. All of the progress you’d made all these months was reversing. You were going back in time against your will. What had all this happiness been for, if it was just going to be ripped from you in an instant? How could you ever fucking say you moved on when seeing him for a second changed your mind? 

You thought you were stronger than this, but you were so fucking weak, falling back into an emotion you didn’t need. Self-loathing and sadness and wishing you were enough for him was staring you in the eyes, and you thought you’d left it all behind. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You…had plans, to feel better, to move the fuck on. Kairi and Chan were nowhere to be seen, and it was past midnight already. She hadn’t even cut the birthday cake yet. You’d made Jeonghan drive you all the way to that special bakery for nothing. Why would Chan show up uninvited on such a special night? Why the fuck would he bring Hyunjin with him?

You ran your hands over your face. Every breath was harder to catch, and you felt like you’d pass out if you stayed standing. A tear slipped into your mouth, and you tasted the glitter mascara that Kairi had put on you. Kairi. You were going to find her…and you’d make sure she still had a good night, regardless of her ex gatecrashing the fucking party. Chan was a lovely person, you’re sure he was, but this was not the time. If he wanted to come so bad, he should’ve just come alone and not brought Hyunjin.

You looked back towards the fire, where Sohee was twirling around with the others, laughing loudly, so drunk and so happy. Jeonghan was back there too, he stood watching the girls dance, but Hyunjin wasn’t with him.

Did he leave? Where was he?

Your eyes scanned the crowd so fast, trying to place him amongst the crowd. 

“I thought you hate beer”

You jumped, startled by the sound. 

Hyunjin stood behind you, holding a beer bottle in his hand, extended out to you. How had you missed him walking over to you?

“What?” 

He seemed confused, hand outstretched, “You…hated beer, right?”

“What are you doing?”

He shrugged, nonchalant, “You asked Nate to bring you a drink. He…wanted to dance instead, he asked me to bring it to you”

You laughed, bitterly, “And what, you work for him now?” 

Why the fuck would he willingly approach you? After forcing you to get out of his life? Pretending like everything was normal? Acting like he hadn’t devastated you entirely, and broken you down. He didn’t even apologise for the way he’d kissed you and pushed you away. He still didn’t fucking realise what he meant to you, and he never would.

Hyunjin’s tongue poked his cheek, and he said, “No. I was trying to be away from the crowd”

You released a breath, “Well, congratulations, now you are. I’m gonna go”

“Wait—” He called out.

You stopped, “What, Hyunjin?”

He swallowed, “Aren’t you gonna take your drink?”

You should walk away from this conversation right fucking now, but you felt angry. Did he know you’d been suffering so much because of him? Did he know you’d given up on love and resigned yourself to a miserable fucking existence, because of him? How could he act so normal? 

“You know what?” You forced a smile, “You can have it. You’ve already ruined tonight for Kairi. You might as well for me too”

“Excuse me?” His features contorted into a frown, as if he couldn’t believe you were bringing it up, “It wasn’t my idea to show up here”

“So what…you came as moral support or something?”

“Chan needed me” He stated, with finality.

“Well” You laughed, “You’re a great friend then. Are you even allowed to be at this party? Isn’t that gonna be a problem for you?”

His lips were in a thin line, “You’re angry”

“No” You laughed, so bitter, so petty, “Just concerned. Actually I am gonna take that drink” You grabbed it out of his hands, pulling with more force than needed, making sure none of your fingers touched any of his. Hyunjin��s eyes narrowed, and he would hate you now if he didn’t already, but that was fine. He didn’t want you anyway.

Jeonghan’s yell interrupted you two, “Y/N! Come on. It’s your favourite song!”

You turned back to them, realising that indeed a song you’d liked in a club once was playing. It wasn’t your favourite song, far from it, but you wanted to be away from Hyunjin. You were losing yourself so near him.

So you glanced at Hyunjin, lifted the beer bottle to your lips, and drops of alcohol dripped down your neck and chest, into your bikini top, messily, “Thanks for the drink”

Jeonghan basically pulled you into the circle, as the chorus came on. You let him. You chugged the rest of the beer, because there was no way you were doing this sober anymore. Jeonghan was fucking tipsy, so he spun you around, and if it wasn’t for his arm around you, you’d fall over into the sand. Somebody handed you a shot of tequila, and you drank that too. The music was loud enough so you couldn’t think, EDM beats playing over and over, making your heart vibrate against your ribs. You wanted to laugh, because everything was so horrible. Sohee was a good hype girl, cheering on for you, grinding her hips against a taller boy, and everyone was lost in the music.

As the song picked up tempo, your hands met Jeonghan’s and he helped you move with an exhilarating speed and you couldn’t even breathe, head spinning. He wasn’t a great dancer, but he was holding you tight, moving your body against his, and it was good to feel desired, “You look so fucking sexy” Jeonghan mumbled into your ear, “You should wear pink more often”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s red…Nate”

“Huh. Maybe I should get a closer look at it then”

“What?” You laughed as he suddenly leaned in, kissing your neck, and collarbones. His other hand dropped to your ass, squeezing it tightly. You couldn’t find it in you to feel shy because nobody was looking at you anyway. Everybody was too busy dancing, or too drunk. Hyunjin had probably realised his mistake and long left. You hope he’d fucking left. You didn’t want to see him again tonight. In the centre of the circle, Jeonghan was bent over you, pressing kisses to your body. Your arms rest on his biceps, as he kissed your neck, “You’re so beautiful when you laugh. I wish you were happier like this more often”

Oh, the irony. If only he knew you’d never been this sad in your life before. Knowing Hyunjin was here, so close yet so far. He was here, but he wasn’t here with you. What was the point…of anything? Weeks and months of moving on. Everything was useless. Hyunjin had to be there, everytime, haunting you like a demon, following in your shadows for the rest of your life. 

“Y/N…” Jeonghan asked, head buried in your neck, realising you were standing still, deadweight, “What’s wrong?”

You’d gone on a date, you had a friend you casually made out with, you were in the best art studio in your country. You were so unhappy. What was the point?

It was like there a string on his chest, tying him to you, bringing you together even when you couldn’t be. Even when he didn’t want to be.

“Nothing” You swallowed, tears shooting up to your eyes, “Can you just kiss me and not ask me anything?”

He frowned, and it was hard to hear him over the loud music, “No…Y/N. Tell me if you’re okay. Do you want some air? Water?”

“I just want you to kiss me and not ask why”

So, almost reluctantly, he did. He leaned in, pressing his mouth to yours and you hoped it’d distract you. You wanted to get lost in it, and you brought your palms up to his face, to his hair, running through it. You’d never kissed him for so long, or with so much emotion. It had always been so casual, for fun, no strings, nothing. 

For just a second, you opened your eyes. You wish you hadn’t.

Over Jeonghan’s shoulder, there was a direct line of sight to Hyunjin.

He was still standing by the river, staring out into the darkness, one hand shoved in his pocket, the other lifting a beer bottle to his lips. He was still here. Right where you’d left him.

Why wouldn’t he leave? There was a path straight to him, people parted like the red sea, the taut string of fate between you working harder than ever.

You squeezed your eyes shut, focusing on kissing the boy who actually cared for you, but when your eyes flickered open again, Hyunjin was watching you.

It should have been obvious, but you were still surprised…to see him stare. Your heart hurt so much you thought you’d collapse. He didn’t want you in his life anymore. He’d made it plenty clear. 

Then why did he look so fucking sad watching you kiss another man?

The party was raging, you were dying. Each press to Jeonghan’s lips made you sick. He kept spinning you around, and you were getting dizzy. Every few seconds, your eyes would fall on Hyunjin. Everything but him was blurred. Your insides hurt, and he was looking at you and you were looking at him but you were dancing with another man. Was this how it felt like to be dying? Jeonghan was giggling about something, and he leaned in to whisper something in your ear. You didn’t hear it, because Hyunjin had turned away from you now, like all of this was beneath him. As if being here was the greatest inconvenience of his life.  

He was walking away. He’d probably had enough of your dancing. 

He’d had enough of you.

“Y/N…hello?” Jeonghan snapped a finger in front of your face.

“I’m going to be sick” You mumbled.

His eyes widened, “What? Did you drink too much?”

“No. I just…I need some air” You stepped back from him. 

“Should I come with you?”

“I’m fine” You shook your head, looking around, “You should dance with Sohee…till I’m back. ”

Before he could protest or respond, you walked away, towards the river. Kairi was nowhere to be found, at her own birthday party. It was all his fault. You had to go find her. What if she had a fight with Chan and needed you?

The alcohol had gotten to your head. You shouldn’t have chugged that beer, and that tequila and that last shot of vodka. Slowly, but steadily you made your way towards the dock. Her birthday cake was rotting in the car. Was it so hard to ask for just one good night?

He had to ruin that too, just like he’d ruined the idea of love for you. You could never love anybody, ever again, not in this same way. 

You walked until you caught up to him. Thankfully, there was nobody else here. Everybody was either in the cabins, or dancing. Hyunjin was pacing back and forth, on his fucking phone as if he was too good for this place. The question left your mouth before you could rethink it, “What does Chan want?”

He looked up at you, eyes drifting over your figure briefly, voice small, “What?” 

“It’s been an hour. She’s not back yet” You stated, as if it was obvious, “In case you didn’t know, she turned twenty-four today, and this entire party is for her. So why is he here, Hyunjin?” You stepped closer to him.

He clicked his phone off, the number he never shared with you, and put it in his pocket, “Um… I don’t know if it’s my discretion to tell you”

You stared at him. You were so past begging to be included in his life. You nodded, a scoff escaping, “Yeah, sorry I asked. I don’t know what I was thinking”

Turning towards the dock, you only made it about five steps away from Hyunjin when he called out, “Wait—I didn’t mean it like that”

You turned to face him, and there was fire in your eyes, there was fire in your veins, “Then what did you mean, Hyunjin?”

Something flashed through his eyes when you said his name, like he also couldn’t believe he was talking to you. “Um. Do you… remember what I told you at the Château?” He asked. The familiarity of those memories flooded through you, like a tsunami. You remembered every single word, you remember each breath he took, each touch. You remember every ridge and curve in his hand, as he held yours. You remembered how many times he pressed his lips to yours, and how loud he’d moaned when you touched him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” 

Hyunjin tilt his head, “About… how they’ve been together for two years now? About how Chan had planned to ask Kairi to marry him…on her birthday?”

Your eyes narrowed as the realisation sank into you, “You’re kidding me. Is that what he’s doing right now? He’s literally going to ruin her—”

Hyunjin stepped forward, “No, he’s not doing that! But he just needed to talk to her about it. He’s just here to make things right with her” He explained, emphasising each word.

“Why?”

Hyunjin seemed confused, “Why, what?”

“Why now? He couldn’t have picked another day?” You sounded so harsh, but you didn’t care. Yeah, maybe you were pissed that Chan was willing to go to all this fucking effort for the girl he loved. But nobody would ever make any effort for you. You were pissed that Kairi was the one good thing you had left, but now Hyunjin’s life was ripping her away from you too.

He didn’t seem fazed though, and he seemed just as confused as you, “I don’t know, Y/N! I tried to talk him out of it. That it wasn’t a good idea”

You scoffed, crossing your arms, “Well you clearly didn’t do a good job, because he’s here right now anyway”

“What do you want me to do? I tried my best!”

“Well, you should have tried harder, Hyunjin!”

He let out a deep breath, running a hand over his face, “Why are you fighting me?”

You took a step back, “Right. I forgot I’m not allowed to be near you”

His eyes narrowed, “Excuse me?”

“Never mind. I’m going to go see if she’s okay or if she needs me”

He frowned, stepping in front of you, “You can’t just interrupt them. What if they’re having a moment?”

You squeezed your eyes shut. This was a fucking disaster, “He better not be proposing”

Hyunjin’s voice dropped, “Why? Wouldn’t you be happy for them?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Hyunjin. I would be happy. Obviously I’d be fucking happy. But Kairi loves him too much. She told me everything that happened. She would just get hurt again when he chooses the company over her.”

Hyunjin was quiet, eyes flickering over yours, voice dropping, “Is… that what you think I did?”

Your voice had lost its energy too, and you stared at him, “I’m not talking about—”

“Because that’s not what I did, Y/N”

You looked up at him, but you were shaking, “This is about her, not me”

He didn’t say anything. For a few seconds, you were both just staring at each other.

He sighed and chose to speak first, “Chan would never hurt her. Their decision to break up was mutual”

Unlike how things happened with you. “Yeah. I understand”

“It’s not just you. I’m worried about Chan too” He ran a hand through his hair. This was not the time to create a scene in public, so you curbed your anger, shoving it deep inside. He cared about Chan, and you cared about Kairi. That’s the only reason you were still here, and still talking to him. It was the only fucking reason you’d talk to him tonight. 

“I can’t believe it’s her birthday and she’s not even here” You mumbled, “All of this was for nothing then. I hope she’s not upset or crying somewhere in a corner”

For the first time this night, Hyunijn looked a tad guilty, brows furrowing, “Do you want to go check on them…?”

You hugged yourself tighter, the wind was picking up quickly, “I thought you just said we can’t interrupt them”

“We won’t”

Your eyebrows shot up.

“Isn’t there another place we can see the docks from…without interrupting them? To see how they’re doing…”

You ran a mental image of the campgrounds in your head, “Yeah, there is…”

And so, Hyunjin followed you. 

There was a clearing in the forest, a thick cover of trees that looked right out onto the docks. You’d seen it back when you came to scope out of the place with Kairi. You were taking him there. You focused on the sound of your footsteps, and on the party you were leaving behind. 

“So…what changed? Why did he pick today?” You surprised yourself by speaking first. 

Hyunjin seemed surprised too, and he glanced at you, “Um…I don’t really know. We were working on a few songs last night…and it’s like Chan had some great epiphany”

“Oh”

There were people swimming in the Han river, some of them were skinny dipping too, and Hyunjin averted his eyes as you passed them. It was so strange to be here, and talk to him, like everything was okay. His tall frame so close to you again, and he took longer strides than you but right now he was slowing down to keep up. You made sure there was enough distance between the two of you so your arms wouldn’t accidently brush. It was funny. Months ago, you used to pray for this to happen, to be alone with him, to have a reason to talk to him, and to accidently touch him. 

You tried to look for Chan and Kairi against the landscape, but they were too far so all you had was to settle for Hyunjin’s momentary glances on you. “You’re good at these” He suddenly said.

“Sorry?” You looked at him.

He looked around, making a noncommittal gesture, “Birthday parties. You planned everything, right?”

“I guess. It wasn’t all me” 

“You…always outdo yourself”

You looked up at him, from the corner of your eye, “I had help. I didn’t organise it on my own”

“I know…but I’ve seen how passionate you are about these things. The food…the music…it’s all very you”

You swallowed, wondering why he was deciding to be civil all of a sudden, or maybe he’d been civil all along and you were the one creating a fucking scene, “Thank you…”

“It reminds me of the beach party, for Felix’s birthday. That one…was so good too”

“Well, at least if things don’t work out with my art, maybe I can become a party planner” You mumbled.

Hyunjin laughed. He actually laughed. It was between a giggle and a chuckle and you looked up at him in surprise. He covered his mouth with his hand, eyes wide, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to agree with you. Things will obviously work out. You’re a great artist”

You couldn’t handle seeing him like this. Eyes crinkled, a real smile. Was he not miserable without you? You looked back at your feet, arms crossed over your chest, “Yup”

“So…is he your boyfriend?”

You looked up, “Sorry?”

Hyunjin seemed nonchalant as he asked, “Nate. The boy you were dancing with” His eyebrows were knitted together, as if he actually even cared if that was your boyfriend or not. 

“We’re here” You told him, choosing not to answer, pointing to a clearing in the trees, “You can see the dock right through there”

Hyunjin stepped ahead, forest leaves crunching under his feet as he did so. There was a pile of rocks and big boulders overlooking the river. Your view was being blocked by them, and you couldn’t see anything from here. 

“I’m just gonna climb up and check if we can see anything from there” He told you, and before you could tell him it was a bad idea, Hyunjin jumped up, easily climbing onto a boulder. It looked so easy for him.

You stood at the bottom, trying to warm yourself. You should have brought a coverup because the wind here was so strong, and you were half-naked. From where Hyunjin stood, he must have a clear view of the entire campground, a good vantage point…for spying on people, like you were now. He could see over the bushes, and you couldn’t, so you asked him, “Can you see them?”

Hyunjin responded, eyes in the distant, “Yeah I can”

“And…? Does she look upset? Are they fighting?”

Hyunjin was silent. You couldn’t see anything from down here, and you were frustrated. “Hyunjin…?” You whisper-yelled.

“Come up. You can see for yourself” He suggested, very unhelpful.

“I’m not wearing shoes. I can’t climb up rocks”

“I’ll help you” He said, turning to face you.

You looked up at him, and his hand was extended out to you. Did you really want his help? But you wanted to see for yourself. You didn’t trust him in the moment. So, you gave in, “Okay”

You grabbed his hand, only for the support, but a bolt of lightning travelled through you, through your entire body. You felt on fire, hair on the back of your neck standing up. Your heart skipped beats, and all you were doing was touching Hyunjin’s hand. It was so warm. His palm was baby-soft, like he’d been taking good care of himself, of his skin.

You tried not to let the shivers affect you. He bent down and mumbled, “Keep your foot here, and I’ll help with the rest okay?”

You climbed up onto a ledge, with sharp rocks jutting out, “If you drop me…”

“I won’t”

“Here goes nothing” You mumbled, keeping your foot on the ledge for balance, hoping you didn’t fall and embarrass yourself. Hyunjin pulled you up, tugging at your arm. You stood head-on, face inches from his. On this tiny boulder, there was barely any space for the two of you. Hyunjin clearly hadn’t calculated for that when he asked you to join him. Because now, you were pressed to each other, and his hand was on your bare waist, gripping you tightly so you won’t fall. Fuck, you’d really put yourself in this situation willingly.

“Shit. I’m so sorry” He realised, leaving his hold on you once you’d found your balance.

You were breathing heavy. Your eyes searched his, and his gaze was so familiar. Half-lidded eyes, dark hair falling into his forehead, lips pink...and plush up close. He was so beautiful, and his body was warm. 

His eyes fell to your body, noting the goosebumps on your chest, “You’re shivering”

“I’m fine”

“Take my sweater”

“Hyunjin…”

He didn’t let you finish and took off his dark woolen sweater. Inside, he was in a simple long-sleeved t-shirt that hugged him tightly. It was almost too small on him, and you could see the shape of his body through it. He handed you the warm sweater, and it was soft to the touch. You slipped it on over your bikini, and it smelled like him too.

He nodded, jutting his head towards the dock, “Um. There they are” 

You turned, trying to balance on the little space you had to stand, peering through the trees.

“Can you see them?” Hyunjin asked, maintaining a sliver of distance between you, as he tried to look over your shoulder. You could see them. Kairi and Chan sat at the edge of the dock, legs hanging off into the water. They weren’t touching, but they were sitting close together. They were talking about something, passionately, because you could hear hints of their voices all the way here.

“What…are they doing? They’re just…talking”

“Yeah” Hyunjin said, a puff of cold air leaving his mouth, “I guess they had a lot to catch up on”

Your heart clenched. You knew how much she loved him. “She missed him a lot…” You admitted.

Hyunjin glanced at you, and then back at them, “Yeah? He did too…he’s been in a lot of talks with the company”

“About what?”

His expression changed at your curiosity, “It’s not important, Y/N”

You frowned, even more curious now, “Tell me, Hyunjin”

He sighed, “It was… just about ensuring her security, in case they got back together, and even if they didn’t. Tracking down and suing the people that sent her the threats”

A flicker of hope lit up in you, for them, “Wasn’t that the only reason they weren’t together? Because of Kairi’s safety?”

Hyunjin looked at you, empty, downcast eyes, “No, when I came back to the city, they’d been having a lot of…arguments, and fights. I would hear Chan on the phone with her till the morning hours, just…arguing, about anything and everything. They weren’t even angry at each other, they were just frustrated because…he could barely give her time. It sucked, kind of felt like I’m a kid listening to my parents fall apart, you know? Watching their relationship fail right in front of me. The nights they stayed up arguing, Chan would show up to practice the next morning unmotivated and unfocused. It was affecting his work a lot. He was barely able to be creative”

You watched the side of his face, as he told you the tale of how this line of work had pulled Chan and Kairi apart. “So…what’s going to change now? Won’t they just go back to fighting?”

Hyunjin shrugged, “I don’t know. Things will never change. But I’m not gonna be the one to take away his hope”

“You really think that…?”

He looked at you, gaze piercing yours, “What?”

“That things are always going to be bad, that they won’t get better?”

“I don’t think that. I know it”

Your heart dropped, offended at the negativity he possessed, “Would it kill you to be a little more positive?”

He swallowed, looking right at you, “Me being positive is not gonna bring them back together”

Now he’d given up on his own best friend’s relationship too, what chance did you stand? You glanced back at Kairi and Chan, breath hitching in your throat at the sight. His hand was on her face now, caressing her, and he had inched closer. They looked…ethereal against the river and the moon.

“It just might” You mumbled. Chan was whispering something to her now, nose brushing against hers. It was so intimate, you suddenly felt like a voyeur.

Hyunjin inhaled, realising it at the same time as you, “We…shouldn’t watch this”

“We… shouldn’t have watched any of it” 

You turned, and Hyunjin had already jumped back onto the sandy terrain, and you wished you were as athletic as him. He made it look so easy. He was holding his hands out to you, “I got you”

You stared at him, and the way his hands were ready to catch you. He was wearing the same jewellery he always did, the same rings as the night he kissed you for the first time, and told you that you shouldn’t be worried because he wasn’t going anywhere. That all felt far too fabricated a lie now. Were any of those things he said true?

“I can get down on my own” You said, rejecting his offer to hold you, to touch you again.

“Are you sure?” He frowned, hands dropping to his side.

“Yup” You weren’t going to ask him for help again, so carefully, you stepped down, one foot on the ledge, trying to balance your weight out.

Hyunjin was watching carefully, and maybe it was good, because you fucking slipped.  Bare feet and rock climbing was not a good mix. One second, the rock was firm underneath you, the other it was gone. A yelp escaped you, but in half a second Hyunjin had stepped forward, catching you in his grip. He had you pressed you to the rocks, grip strong around your body, “Fuck. Are you okay?”

You couldn’t even find it in you to be embarrassed, staring up at him. There was no space between your bodies, and the moonlight fell right on him and his stupidly perfect face. You tried to catch your breath, but he was crushing you to the rocks. You couldn’t even breathe. Your hair fell in front of your face, and Hyunjin’s gaze flickered over it, as if he was itching to fix it. His hands dug into the fabric of the knit sweater, fingers poking in the holes, and his other hand…lay dangerously close to your ass, resting just at the end of your bikini.

So you still could feel like this again, like you would explode from human touch. You hadn’t felt this alive in the longest time, each nerve ending firing at full capacity. This is what attraction felt like, not what you had with your date in the bar, not what you felt when you kissed your friend. Your eyes searched his, for any remorse or guilt for what he’d done to you. You found none. 

"Please let go of me”

“What?”

“Let go of me, Hyunjin”

He dropped his hands from you immediately, hurt flashing through his eyes, and a part of you was happy he could still display that emotion. He’d been fauxing his emotions the entire night so well, he’d pushed them all aside, and you hated that. Why couldn’t he admit he missed you? He stepped back, apologetic, “I’m sorry. I just…wanted to make sure you were okay”

“I’m fine” You side-stepped him, walking back to the campgrounds through the trees. Hyunjin was quiet, and he followed you, a few steps behind. You knew because you could hear his breaths, and his footsteps against the crunching leaves.

After some minutes, he spoke, “Y/N…”

“I don’t want to talk to you” You were walking away from him, as fast as you could, hoping to put some distance between you.

“Y/N…you’re bleeding”

You stopped, “What?”

He stood a few steps behind, watching you, “Your leg. I think you…you cut yourself on the rock. The…branches”

You had far too much pride in the moment to even check if he was right. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t hurt” You mumbled, and began walking back towards the party again.

“It could get infected”

“Can you just stop talking, please? I can take care of myself”

“I’m sure you can. I’m just worried about you”

“Why are you even here?” You turned, walking back to him so you could be closer. Each step against the grass did hurt now. You must have cut yourself really bad, because the dirt was burning your wound, but you weren’t going to show your weakness, not right now. You were so far from the rest of the party, otherwise anybody would have been able to hear you arguing. You were thankful everybody else was distracted and having an actual good time, unlike you.

He frowned, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, why the fuck are you here? I didn’t invite you to this party. I want you to leave”

His eyes narrowed, “I’m not leaving Chan alone”

You let out a frustrated sigh, “He’s with Kairi, and they seem to be doing great without you!”

“You’re hurt…” He spoke, calm as fucking ever. Why couldn’t he just express himself, like he used to? Why was he wearing a shield? 

“As if that matters to you. The damage is done. I knew it wasn’t a good idea” You were talking about the cut on your leg, but of course you fucking weren’t.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “Just please let me take a look at it. I don’t want you to get hurt”

“It’s too late for that, Hyunjin”

He reached out, grabbing your arm with more force than you expected, to pull you closer, “Y/N. Stop fighting me. I’m not letting you go without making sure you’re all right”

The authority in his voice shocked you. You’d never heard Hyunjin so determined before, so aggressive. His eyes were narrowed, and his grip on your arm was strong but not tight enough to hurt you. You swallowed, wanting to suddenly cry because you were in so much pain and he was the reason for it all, “Fine”

His grip relaxed on you, and he let out a breath as if it was hurting him too. He looked around, eyes landing on the glass house hidden between the trees, “Can you walk till there?”

“Yeah”

You only felt a little shameful, walking over to the cabin, and you hope nobody was fucking in there or anything. Hyunjin pushed open the door, stepping inside, rummaging through the drawers and cabinets.

“Everything’s empty” He mumbled, a frustrated look in his eyes.

You leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, “Yeah. It’s a vacation rental, so there’s not gonna be any personal belongings. Maybe you could check in the bedroom”

He sighed, walking through the open doorway into the bedroom. The house was so…modern, and fancy, with large glass windows that faced the river. You could imagine how nice it’d be to spend the night here. There was an open four-claw white bathtub, and clearly this room was designed for sex. Why else would there be a tub in here? Hyunjin seemed impatient as he opened every cupboard, pulling open the drawers with gold knobs.

“Found anything?” 

He shook his head, “No…just condoms”

“Oh…”

“And a bottle of…lube” He chuckled, turning to look at you, arms crossed as he leaned against the dresser, “Yeah. nice planning. There’s no first aid kits, anywhere?”

“I don’t know” You sighed, “I wasn’t exactly planning on climbing up rocks”

Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, “Right. Can you sit down?”

The bedsheets were nicely made, you didn’t want to ruin it but you were in pain now. You sat at the edge of it, hands in your lap. You had on Hyunjin’s sweater on top, but under that…you were still just in your bikini, legs bare. He knelt down on the floor, lifting your leg up in his hands. A wave of deja vu overwhelmed you. This position… reminded you of Felix’s birthday party. Almost the exact same thing had happened, when San had broken a beer bottle and Hyunjin had been worried about you. You stayed quiet, letting him probe around. The cut was near your Achilles heel, which explained why it hurt so much. Tenderly, he touched the skin around it, “Does this hurt?”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Yeah. It hurts.”

He sighed, looking up at you, intense gaze, “It’s…not that deep a cut, but…you shouldn’t go in the river or anything. It could get infected”

“So I’ll be fine? We’re done here?”

He let go of your leg so you could put it down, “Yeah”

Clearing his throat, he got up to walk to the door.

You stared after him, “You’re leaving?”

“There’s a store a few miles from here. I’ll get you a bandaid”

“What? You’re gonna drive all the way for that. That’s stupid. It’s…an hour away”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not asking for your permission, is it?” He mumbled, pushing the door to walk back outside the house.

“Hyunjin” You groaned, getting up to follow him, “Wait! What are you doing?”

He threw his hands up, voice high, “I don’t know. What the hell do you want me to do?”

As if this was your fault, “Well, maybe don’t come to a party you’re not invited to. That would be a great start”

His voice shot up higher, “I’m sorry I fucked up, okay? I came here for Chan. I had no fucking idea you’d be here! I didn’t even know you knew Kairi, so how could I have guessed you’d be at her birthday party, Y/N?”

You swallowed, knowing he was right, frustrated tears rising up, “So you wouldn’t have come…if you knew I was here? I was right?”

He sighed, each word said so powerfully it cut through you, “Yes. It would have changed everything! I obviously would have preferred to stay home rather than watch you make out with your new boyfriend right in front of me!”

Your eyes widened, and it seemed like he instantly regret what he said.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “I’m sorry. I didn’t…mean to yell”

Hurried footsteps distracted you, and you turned to see Kairi walking up to you, confused gaze, “Hey. Why are you all the way here?”

“Kairi. Are you okay?” You asked, immediately embracing her, “I was looking for you earlier”

She nodded, “I am. I am. I just I got to talking with Chan, and we didn’t realise how much time had passed. I’m so sorry, oh my god. Does everybody hate me for abandoning my own party?”

You shook your head, pulling back to look at her, and you were happy to see that there were no tears, “No, no, they’re all having a good time. That doesn’t matter anyway, are you okay right now? Do you feel…okay?”

She nodded, “I am. Chan and me…we talked about a lot of shit. I’ll tell you everything”

“Where is he?” Hyunjin asked.

Kairi’s eyes widened at him, “Hwang fucking Hyunjin! What did I do to deserve the honor of you showing up to my party?”

He smiled at her, and it’s like his mood had changed instantly around her, “Happy birthday, Kairi”

She jumped into his arms, tackling him in a hug, “I missed you dumbass” He hugged her back, warmly, burying his head in her shoulder, “I missed you too, Kairi”

She pushed his hair out of his face, hands resting on his cheekbones, “You look fucking hot, Jinnie. It’s been a while”

His eyes sparkled at her, cheeks flushing, “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself too”

Why couldn’t you be the one to get a reunion so warm?  It was your fault for being bitter anyway, and for trying to start a fight with Hyunjin. You don’t even know what you were trying to do.

“I see you two have been reunited” Chan laughed, walking over to you. He glanced at you, a sheepish smile on his face, “I’m sorry about earlier, Y/N…”

“It’s okay…” You told him, “I get it. You really needed to see her”

He nodded, looking around the grounds, “So did I completely ruin the party?”

“No” Kairi shook her head, “I think most of them are too drunk to even notice I’m gone. Although…Y/N might be a little sad” She pouted at you, “You planned everything. I’m sorry it didn’t go accordingly”

You felt conscious, feeling all their eyes on you, “No, I only did it for you. If you’re happy…that’s enough for me”

Chan nodded, glancing at his wristwatch, “Fuck. It’s getting really late. We have a flight in the morning. Should we drop you guys home?”

They had a flight? To where? You shook your head to answer him, “No, that’s okay. I’m…going with Jeonghan”

Kairi giggled at his mention, “Your boy was passed the fuck out a few minutes ago. I think he drank too much. Eric said they’re gonna drive back in the morning, when they’re all sobered up. Do you wanna wait till then?”

It was almost three am, and you don’t think you could wait till dawn, “Oh…no I’ll just take a taxi home. I have class at eleven”

“A taxi from here to the city? Of course not. That’s not safe” She frowned. You forced a smile at Kairi, “Um. I’ll just take it in the morning then”

“That’s a terrible idea” Hyunjin mumbled.

“Just come with us?” Chan offered, and his voice was so sweet it was hard to say no, but they’d all known each other for years, and you’d feel too awkward riding with them, “I’m just…gonna go check with Nate, if that’s cool” 

Chan nodded, casually, “Ah. We’ll be in the parking lot. Look for the black car”

You nodded, “Got it. Thanks Chan”

You glanced at Hyunjin, and he was already looking at you, arms crossed in front of his chest. He averted his gaze as soon as you caught him. 

Back at the bonfire, Jeonghan was sitting in a beach chair, talking to a group of strangers. They must be locals who had rented some cabins. His face lit up when he saw you walk to him, “Where’d you get that sweater? Is there a mall here I don’t know about?”

“It’s just my friends” You told him, not in the mood to joke, bending down to be level at him, “Kairi said you passed out. Are you okay?”

He nodded, smiling, “I’m fine, Y/N. I just found out that these people went to the same high school as me, in LA. Isn’t that crazy?”

You glanced over, at some locals who were sat in a circle. The set-up seemed cozy, there was cider and hotdogs that lay between them, “Oh wow. It’s a small world” You told him, “Um, I came here to ask…Kairi was headed home, and she asked if I wanna come with. But I said I’ll stay with you, make sure you’re okay and everything”

Jeonghan’s lips tugged up into a smile, “Y/N. I’m more than okay. You seem tired, on the other hand. Maybe you should let Kairi take you home? I think I’ll chat here with them for an hour or so”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you here alone”

He rolled his eyes, “Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?”

You swallowed, “I’m just being a good friend, Nate”

He leaned ahead, pinching your cheek, “I know and so am I. Please, just get some sleep. You seem exhausted”

You sighed, dread filling you. This meant you’d have to ride with Hyunjin. “All right. I’ll…see you in class on Monday then?”

You got up, to leave but he tugged at your arm, voice dropping, “The boy from earlier. Was that…the guy we saw in the elevator…at Pegasus?”

You looked around, but nobody was listening, so you nodded, “Yeah. That was him”

Understanding settled in his features, “He was…looking at you the entire time he was here. When we were dancing…drinking. He...didn’t look away from you for a second”

“You saw that?”

“Mmh. Is that…the same guy you wanted to…Eternal Sunshine out of your mind?”

You smiled, the movie reference catching you off guard, “Yeah, but um, don’t tell anyone, please”

He grinned, imitating a zip over his mouth, “My lips are sealed”

»»————-

There was a black car in the parking lot. You found your shoes, and your jeans, abandoned by the check-in area at the campground, slipped them on and walked over to the car. The three of them stood there, and the trunk was open. Chan sat in the back, leg pulled up, sipping beer and Kairi was snuggled up to him. It was chilly out here. Hyunjin…stood across them, hands on his waist and they were laughing about something. He seemed so carefree when you weren’t there. His eyes were crinkled, and his laughter echoed in the open night. 

His sweater on you was warm, and you felt shy and awkward as you made your way to them, “Hey”

Kairi’s eyes lit up, “Y/N! Nate isn’t coming?”

“He…said he wanted to stay a bit”

“Perfect. We were waiting for you, so we could cut the cake” Chan smiled.

“What?” You laughed, noticing the little bento cake sat neatly in the back of the trunk, “Here? Just...the four of us?”

“Mmh” Kairi nodded, “My favorite people ever. It’s perfect”

Your heart warmed, and nothing had gone to plan, but it wasn’t up to you, “Sure... Why not?”

She jumped up, standing next to you on the concrete as Chan opened the box carefully. He dug into his pockets for a lighter, and lit the candles. It was…definitely not the way you’d envisioned tonight, but this was about Kairi, and in a way…this was perfect. 

Under the moonlight, in the empty parking lot, the glow of the candles was bright. Kairi leaned in, closing her eyes to make a wish, and then blew hard on the candles. Chan laughed loudly, singing a bad rendition of Happy Birthday, and you smiled at the sight. 

It was strange how they found solace in each other, in an abandoned lot miles away from the nearest city. The celebration was small, much smaller than you’d planned…but it still felt complete. You hugged Kairi, arms tight around her, and she hugged Hyunjin after you. You wonder if your scent lingered on him, through her. He said something to make her laugh, and she teased him by smearing frosting on his cheek. Hyunjin gasped, dramatically, dipping his finger right into the cake. 

“No, no, no!” Kairi laughed, hiding behind Chan. Chan rolled his eyes, “Jinnie. You’re not putting cake on her” 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, laughing, “Relax…” Although clearly he’d been planning to do just that. Instead of putting it on her face, he licked his finger, tongue swirling around it. 

Kairi got on her toes, pulling Chan in for a hug. You still don’t know what they talked about that made them so happy again, but you would have to be patient and she would tell you everything. For a few seconds, they just held each other, indulging in and enjoying each other’s embrace Your gaze drifted to Hyunjin. There was a small smile on his face, and shamelessly he watched them. You remember how much he loved Chan and Kairi. They were…the world to him. So… he must be the happiest right now. 

Your own smile fell though, the longer you looked at Hyunjin. He must be cold, but he’d given you his sweater…it wasn’t much but it was everything right now. He made you crave him always, even when you were supposed to be so angry at him. The adoration in his eyes, the softness in his gaze…it used to be yours. He used to look at you like that, and you still didn’t understand what changed.

What happened to make him change towards you so drastically? Why didn’t he want you anymore? After the way you’d acted tonight, showing your immature, petty and vengeful side, he probably wouldn’t want to even…associate with you anymore. A wave of sadness hit you. Had your anger ruined any chance you had with him tonight? 

But…why wouldn’t you be angry at him? You had every right. Or maybe…he’d just think of you as the bitchy ex-girlfriend for the rest of his life. You were an anecdote to tell his future lovers, a girl to mention in passing, someone he had a fling with one summer. To you, he was the entire world…but he’d never reciprocate the feeling. You’d ruined everything, because of your sadness. Tears shot up to your eyes, and you looked away. 

You wish you never met Hyunjin. Your own thought killed you.

“Come on. We should get going, if we hope to make it to Seoul by dawn” Chan said, pulling away, hoarse voice. 

“You’re not driving are you?” Kairi asked him, “There’s a lot I wanna talk to you about”

“She means she wants to get drunk with you in the backseat” Hyunjin laughed.

“Same difference” Kairi shrugged, and then turned to you, “You don’t mind riding shotgun, right? Hyunjin’s a good driver”

How did you end up in this situation anyway? You'd already told Kairi that you had no problem with Hyunjin. You'd already caused so much trouble tonight.

“Yeah. I don’t mind” You mumbled. Chan closed the trunk, after making sure the cake was secure, and you walked to the front. You didn’t even know they had their own cars. You’d always assumed their managers drove for them, but their company probably had no idea they were even here. 

Huh. Hyunjin broke the rules for Chan. Just not for you.

You settled into the passenger seat, and Hyunjin sat next to you. 

“Jinnie, you’re gonna have to adjust the seat for yourself” Chan told him, as he and Kairi settled comfortably in the backseat.

“Ah. The sins of being tall” Kairi joked. In the rear view mirror, you saw them immediately snuggle together, and Chan wrapped an arm around her, like they couldn’t bear to be apart. Must be nice. You were jittery, and anxious again, having Hyunjin in such close proximity to you. You rest your hand on the console, trying to not look at his side profile, trying to not think of how you were in his sweater over your wet swimsuit.

Chan moved ahead, hand landing on the back of your seat, “So, Y/N. Tell me more. Now that you’re finally here, I’d love to hear about you”

You bit your lip, “I’m sure you already know everything there is to know about me…”

A warm sensation made you jump, and you realised Hyunjin had accidentally placed his hand on top of yours, on the console between you. 

“Sorry” He apologised, pulling his hand back.

“Um. It’s fine” You put your hands in your lap. You’d forgotten how warm and comforting his hand was. You wanted to hold it again, for the rest of the ride. Glancing in the rearview, Chan was saying something to Kairi, her face held in his big hands as he looked at her with so much love in his eyes. Perhaps this is why their car had blacked out windows.

“So…how long will it take us to get home, Jinnie?” He asked.

Hyunjin glanced at the GPS, that was above the console, “Says about three hours”

“Fuck. I’m definitely gonna fall asleep” Kairi laughed, and Chan nodded, “Me too”

Hyunjin reached into the glove compartment, taking out a pair of thin silver-rimmed glasses. He put them on, and you’d never seen him wear these before so these must be anti-glare, for the drive. Regardless…he looked suddenly ten times hotter than before, and you looked away. You would blame the alcohol for how attracted you felt to him in this moment.

“What are you waiting for, Jinnie?” Kairi asked him.

“Um. Car won’t start until everyone has their seatbelts in”

He glanced at you, and before you could even think, he had leaned over to your side, pulling your belt out of the hook. Your breath stopped as his face hovered over yours but his gaze was focused on the strap as he pulled it towards him. He clicked it in place for you, crossing the strap over your chest, and waist, then he asked you, voice low and hoarse, “That comfortable?”

Just for a second, he looked up at you, eyes meeting yours. His strong scent infiltrated you. You had no words to say. He was so close, and you just nodded, hoping that would be enough.

“We’re good now” He spoke, leaning back into his own seat, and started the car. There was absolutely no fucking need for him to be doing that for you. You knew how to put a seatbelt on, but now you wished he was always there to do it for you. 

Your chest was pounding embarrassingly loud. You think everybody could hear it. You glanced at him, and his hands rested on the wheel, and he looked so fucking attractive. The thin glasses rested on his nose, and he licked his lips, turning around, one hand on the wheel, other on the back of your seat so he could reverse the car out of its parking lot. God, you wish you never met him but you wanted to jump over the console into his lap, and kiss him for the rest of your life. 

Hyunjin cleared his throat, and looked at you before turning to face the road again. His gaze dropped to your body for a second, to his sweater hugging you tightly. You weren’t talking to each other, but… your gaze mirrored his, you’re sure. You stared at his face illuminated in the moonlight, darkened look in his eyes. So, he couldn't love you, but you still had an effect on him, and it made you feel proud. Anybody in the world would be able to tell what you wanted to do to each other. Even right now, when you hated him more than anything. Even when he’d broken your heart and made no attempt to patch it back up. 

You both said nothing, as he focused on the road, pulling out of the campgrounds to catch the highway. The silence was enough. You’d been in this car for just a few minutes, and you were already dying, air thick with tension. 

There were three long hours to Seoul, on a dark highway through the woods, with only the moonlight to guide you, and Hyunjin was inches from you. 

You had no idea how you’d make it there, without completely ruining each other.

»»————-

masterlist ⇒

please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :) 

#hyunjin x reader #hyunjin smut #angst #Hyunjin imagines #skz x reader #skz imagines #fluff #friends to lovers #hwang hyunjin x reader

[allwaswell16]

All the One Direction fics I read and enjoyed in March 2024. You can listen to my podcast to hear me talk about each of these fics as well as an overview of what was posted on ao3 including the fics on this month’s fic roundup [ @1dmonthlyficroundup ] which you can find here! Please let the writers know if you liked the fics by leaving kudos and comments! Happy reading!

Fanfictional Podcast #60 |  ko-fi | fic recs

- Louis/Harry -

☁️ you were in my dream by staybeautiful / @harruandlou

(E, 60k, acquaintances to lovers) Louis woke up after having a sexy dream about his best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend resolved to never think about it again. He hardly knew Harry, so what difference would it make? But when they are thrown together only a few days later, Louis had to admit, his subconscious might have been onto something.

☁️ Always a Bridesmaid by @kingsofeverything

(E, 29k, age difference) The night before his best friend’s wedding, Harry falls into bed with a silver haired stranger who makes him wonder what his own forever might look like.

☁️ Behind Smoke Stained Curtains by @jaerie

(E, 19k, omegaverse) The worlds align when Louis meets an alpha from the road with as many secrets as he holds himself.

☁️ The Room Thief by @2tiedships2

(NR, 15k, omegaverse) When Louis comes home and is confronted by his knothead alpha flatmates, he knows it won’t result in anything good, but he didn’t expect to be left homeless, effective immediately. He definitely didn’t expect to fall for the specific knothead who stole his room.

☁️ Simmer Down and Pucker Up by @silverstuff50

(E, 9k, exes) When Louis' sister invites his ex to her wedding Louis is not a happy bunny. But his friends are wankers and their meddling causes the sort of drama that Louis would usually beat the crap out of them for. Usually...

☁️ and then, i wait there for you by punk_pillow_princess / @punkpillowprincess

(M, 9k, established relationship) Harry has always dreamed of having his “happily ever after”, but hasn't found the right one yet. Suddenly, he meets Louis.

☁️ you can be my lover, i can be your love by @wildhalos

(M, 9k, canon m/f) the one where Louis may have accidentally fondled his best friend, and it's not weird unless they make it weird. Harry's almost positive. She swears.

☁️ What we parted ways with by louisismycat / @liminalkittyfics

(M, 6k, exes) Alpha Harry is surprised to see omega Louis at his matchmaker’s cocktail party for millionaires. Years ago when they were together, Louis loathed schmoozefests with rich people.

☁️ That’s the way love goes by bella28

(T, 4k, soulmate goose!) In a world, where soulmate geese are sent to the people who can't figure out who their soulmate is, Harry finds himself stuck with a goose when he is attending a concert of his favourite artist Louis Tomlinson.

☁️ Stand Not in Front or Behind by LadyLondonderry / @londonfoginacup

(NR, 4k, omegaverse) Harry Styles always knew his purpose in life was to be a pawn in an arranged marriage to assure allegiances. He never actually put much thought into his future partner.

☁️ Pussy Juice by @homosociallyyours

(M, 4k, girl direction) While she manages to dodge the bar's "special" drink, the Pussy Juice shot, she can't avoid the feelings that come up when her former teacher (and teen crush), Louis joins her and her friends for the night.

☁️ pretty please? by @disgruntledkittenface

(E, 3k, girl direction) Harry gets impatient for her Valentine’s Day present.

☁️ Lipstick Like Dynamite by LetTheMusicMoveYou / @letthemusicmoveyou28

(E, 3k, established relationship)  the one where Louis is a professional football player who loves seeing his boyfriend in lipstick, a fact that Harry likes to use to his advantage

☁️ Green Coffee and Morning People by @insightfulinsomniac

(T, 3k, uni) Louis has a crush on the prettiest boy he’s ever seen — the curly-haired guy who sits next to him in his Community Psych class and brings strangely-colored drinks to class with him each day.

☁️ You are so gorgeous (it makes me so mad) by @dreaminrainbows

(M, 2k, pining) Louis is a hot bartender and Harry is pathetically in love with him

☁️ When you look at me like that, my darlin', what did you expect? by INnenaHeart / @thechavier

(M, 1k, sexuality crisis) Louis realizes he's into men because of a long hair, chelsea boots wearing, Harry

☁️ The Devil's Hour by silverkiiwii / @tomlinsins

(NR, 1k, established relationship) Harry and Louis are going on their first roadtrip and they have very different interpretations of what leaving in the morning means.

- Rare Pairs -

☁️ Unplanned Circumstances by @haztobegood

(E, 8k, Zayn/Louis) Zayn has worked his whole life to be one of the top spies in the Agency. When he returns from his latest mission, the unexpected reappearance of a one-night-stand could change everything. Part 1 of Unplanned Circumstances

☁️ Baby, I'm Right Here by @enchantedlandcoffee

(T, 1k, Zayn & Louis) The one where Zayn and Louis are best friends and, after much prompting from their family members, try and give dating a go.

☁️ if it feels like love (then it must be love) by localopa / @voulezloux

(G, 1k, Niall/Shawn Mendes) niall and shawn are in love. if they could both realize this, that would be lovely.

#ficrec #28th appreciation #1dficvillage #hlcreators #hljournal #trackinghome #trackinghappily #ficsfor4am #hltracks

[baby-yongbok]

Seventeen

Lee Know/Minho x Reader

Genre: Angst the sweet and lovey kind.

Summary: Six months of falling in love and six minutes of falling apart

Word Count: 2,464

❋ Italicized parts are flashbacks

❋ This One shot was inspired by the song i love you by Billie Eilish

✨Masterlist✨

Six months of mystery has led you to this moment. You started getting letters from a stranger, dainty decorated notes with cursive words declaring their undying admiration for you and all that you are. You’ve never been the type of person who’s felt seen by those around you, you’ve grown content with floating in the background and only being heard when someone chooses to unmute you. Maybe that’s why these letters felt like a thunderbolt hitting uncharted territory. Maybe that’s why each word that you read when you plucked the baby blue stationary from your mailbox made you feel dizzy as you burned with the desire of a thousand suns. 

“You don’t even know who’s sending these letters. What if it’s some creep?” Your best friend, Minho, grumbled on the other line as he struggled to give his stubborn cat her medicine. 

“No creep could ever write the things I’ve read. He’s emotional and profound and - and he’s…” Your mind wanders off into a daydream as you think of all that he could be. 

“A stranger, he’s a stranger. Listen, I’m all for fairy tales but I don’t want you getting hurt. Just let me take you if you decide to meet the guy.” You huff, he’s right he is a stranger and you shouldn’t meet with this guy alone. “I’ll hide behind a tree or something.” 

You giggle at the thought but agree happily. “If that’ll make you happy then sure. I’ll let you know when he can meet me.”

“Thank you.” A comfortable silence settles on the line before Minho speaks again. “Wait, how do you know that he’ll want to meet up? He doesn’t put a return address, you can’t send him anything back.”

“He’ll want to meet, I just know it.” You stare up at the ceiling with stars in your eyes and butterflies in your stomach. Minho scoffs on the other line.

“You’re so hopelessly romantic that it’s sickening.” 

You sat knee to knee with Minho on the Subway, three more stops and you’d be there. Three more stops and your prince charming would be sitting and waiting for you by Gapstow Bridge. You’ve been to Central Park dozens of times since you’ve moved to the city but nothing could ever top this. You watched as people piled on and off of the subway car, eyes glued to their phones and headphones blasting music or some mystery podcast that would keep them up all night but you couldn’t bring yourself to listen to anything other than the hammering of your heart in your chest, what if his is beating at the same rhythm?

“You really don’t have to go with me. I’m a big girl. You have to go all the way back to Korea the day after, you should be packing and resting and spending time with the cats and -” Minho nudged your shoulder as he glared at you with narrow feline eyes. He looked annoyed but you could tell that he was amused. 

“I want to take you, let me see Central Park one more time before I have to leave for half a year.” a weak chuckle escapes you but it quickly drags off into a despondent sigh. 

“I don’t want to go either, trust me, but I’ll be back before you know it. We’ll video call in the middle of the night and early morning and we’ll use our friendship lamps and you can send me a million pictures of Central Park in the winter. I know how much you love Gapstow Bridge.”

“It’s beautiful when it’s covered in snow, really. You have to see it in person, there’s nothing else like it.” You force a smile onto your lips but Minho doesn’t have to pretend. His smile is genuine, it’s just the effect that you have.

“Promise to spam my phone?” He holds out his pinky, his cat eyes upturned at the corners. You can’t help but to smile back, your doe eyes turning into shining moons that no lunar eclipse could rival.

“Promise.”

You turn to look out of the window as the train turns the last bend to your stop. You gasp, a smile spreading over your lips and a plum colored blush adorning your chilled cheeks. 

“Min! Min, it’s snowing. It’s sticking, look!” You tap your best friend, he’s been fiddling with his fingers the entire ride. His usual jokes have been nonexistent this evening, maybe he’s nervous for you. He seemed so worried after all. “I get to spend the first snow with you!” 

You smile over at him, eyes wide like Venus or maybe the moons of Saturn would be a better comparison. No matter the celestial object they could never compare to the shine of your hazel orbs. They are mere specks found in the never ending galaxy of your irises. 

“Maybe this is a sign of good luck.” He grins as his eyes scan the scenery. “Maybe you can make a wish on a snowflake tonight.”

“Look who’s being a hopeless romantic now.” You stick your tongue out at him, squinting your eyes and shaking your head playfully. He huffs a laugh with the crooked smile that he’s known for as he watches you. “Oh! This is us, let's go!”

You grab his hand and pull him out of his seat as you race towards the sliding subway doors. You race up the subway steps, your agile friend trailing behind you quickly with a tight grip on your hand. Once you make it to the top you stop and stare. A thin layer of icy white covers the street and sidewalks. You watch with wide eyes as the slush settles onto the tree branches and falls around you like feathers during a pillow fight. Soft, pretty, comfortable. 

“Are you sure that you want to do this? He could be a creep, ya know.” Minho has asked the same question about fifteen times since the two of you started walking to the train station and your answer has been the same every. Single. Time. 

“I’m positive and if he is, which I doubt that he will be, you’ll be there to do a quick one two jab and save me.” An eye roll and a sigh are all that he offers you as the two of you make your way down the steps to the station. 

“Just… prepare yourself okay? You really don’t know what you’re walking into and I don’t want you to walk out of there with a broken heart.”

“I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl, remember?” You take the lead, heading for the turnstile and swiping your MetroCard. You walk through just as you hear the train pull up and turn to Minho with wide eyes of excitement, your heart is still full, he can’t let that be taken away by someone no matter how infatuated you are with them. “It’s here, come on! Run!” 

You run up the metal stairs, the heels of your boots making a song out of each step and Minho follows right behind you, jumping the turnstile and running quickly as he ignores the staff yelling for him to pay. He’s sure that he’ll pay soon, he’ll pay in a currency greater than any atom in his body can handle. 

“There! He said to meet him on the bridge.” You jog towards the attraction that’s always held a special place in your heart. The stunning aged stone and the shining water underneath it made for a beautiful scene. “I don’t see anyone yet though.”

You walk up the slope of the bridge, squinting into the evening darkness. The sun set two hours ago but the lights of the surrounding buildings make up for the sun's absence. Despite the orange of the surrounding lights, the air is cold. Your presence is all that makes the atmosphere feel warm. Comfortable.

“Maybe we should just -” You turn to Minho, your fingers laced together across your chest. Your black gloves that are slightly too big slipping up your wrist.

“He’ll be here. He wouldn’t let me down.” Minho sighs, looking over towards the small lake with crisp leaves flowing with each careful ripple that the wind creates. Maybe that’s how this will go, it’ll be smooth like he’s guided by the wind. Certainly he won't shatter the universe in your eyes.

“Y/n.” It was barely a whisper but you heard him. You’re on your toes looking in the other direction when he calls your name but you snap your neck to look up at him. That sparkle in your eyes is so bright. “I’m so sorry.”

“What do you mean?” He can see it, a star dying in real time. What kind of monster would do this?

“When I- It wasn’t supposed to go this way.” The tear that trails down Minho’s cheek is nearly turned to crystal by the cold bite of the winter air. It blows his parted hair as he stares down at you. You’re putting it all together. The stars dimming at a pace that would leave NASA baffled, confused, anxious.

“Minho, stop messing with me.” You smile and for a second he thinks that he can see them come back. For a second he can spot Orion and the big dipper seems to take one last breath but when he looks away, when he squeezes his eyes shut and chokes back a sob, that’s when the lights go out. Minho’s never seen a shooting star, he’s never seen light fall at such an alarming rate that we call it beautiful and now he wishes that he never had. He hates that the one time that he got to wish upon a falling star was when he broke your heart. 

“When I started sending them I thought that I had more time, I thought that we…”

“It was you?” A tear trails down your cheek as you whisper, your once sparkling eyes are clouded with frost as the snowflakes catch and melt on your lashes. “You knew about every letter, I read them to you, I told you everything but you already knew because you - you wrote them.”

“I had to tell you. I had to tell you how I felt I couldn’t take it anymore; it was eating me alive. It was killing me.” He turns to you, tear stains on both of his blushed cheeks. His eyes are glazed with worry, panic, and so much love. They’re packed with so much adoration that you wonder how you ever missed it in the first place. “Not being with you was killing me. I just - just wanted to tell you and then I got that damned call.” 

“How long have you known…?” You cross your arms, staring at his chest rather than his face. “You sent thirty-two letters… which one did you send after you found out that you had to leave?”

“Please.”

“Which one?” Your voice is weak, hoarse with sentiment as you hold back the hurricane of emotions in your chest. 

“Seventeen.” 

“Wow.” Your mouth hangs open in a silent cry of disbelief as you turn to look into the distance of the dark park. 

“I should’ve told you, I know that. I should’ve stopped and confessed I shouldn’t have done this to you but - but you looked so happy. You were so in love with being seen and I was so proud of you for finally believing that someone sees you. That’s all that I’ve ever wanted” You scoff, laughing a bit as you blink up towards the sky, welcoming the snowflakes onto your skin. Offering them a safe place to melt as you come undone in the night. 

“Did you have to do it like this?” 

“You love Gapstow and I knew it would snow.” You huff, grinning sadly. You turn to face him again, large eyes searching his anxious ones. He can see the wounds that he’s created but of course you make it look beautiful. Of course your wounds bleed constellations, he’d expect nothing less from you. 

“You never cry.” It’s his turn to grin now. 

“You make me do a lot of things that I said I never would.” 

“Like what? Write thirty-two love letters and sneak them into my mailbox?” You chuckle, are your stars coming back?

“Like love. Believe in love enough to give it a chance. Fall in love so hard that I profess my endearment on expensive stationary just so I can see you smile. Even if you didn’t know that you were smiling for me, because of me.”

“Minho…”

“I’m an idiot and I don’t deserve to love you.” He smiles down at you. It’s sad and pitiful and it’s only purpose is to serve as a mask. A mask to hide how badly he hates himself right now, to hide how much he wishes he could take this all back and call it all a joke just to see you shine like you did a bit ago. “I don’t deserve to have you love me back either.”

“But I do.” Another tear escapes the floodgates behind your eyes and the hurricane in your chest grows stronger. “I do and I have for so long.”

He stares at you with tears falling faster than before, they chase each other down his cheeks and drip off at the edge turning into snowflakes themselves. Maybe he can make a wish on one.

“I- I don’t want you to love me.” He chokes out as he blinks the tears away.

“It wouldn’t make you leaving hurt any less. I’d just be losing a different version of you.”

“I put every ounce of myself in those letters, as long as you have them you’re never losing me.”

The thread behind your eyes snapped in that moment and it sent your hurricane of emotions free from your chest. You expected for the trees around you to be lifted up into the air. You expected for you and Minho to be whisked away as you twirl like ballerinas in violent gusts of frigid air but it never came. All that visited you were tears as you began sobbing into your hands. Your oversized glove slipped to your fingertips, holding on desperately just as you were. Minho wasted no time before wrapping you in his arms, you clung to his chest like a sad child on the playground. Whining sobs into his coat as he quietly matched your emotion. He knew it. He knew he’d pay for this in a way much bigger than him. He knew he’d empty your heart once you found out but he was selfishly in love with you. How could he confess to you like this when he knew he had to leave?

 He should’ve stopped at letter Seventeen.

#stray kids x reader #skz x reader #skz angst #stray kids imagine #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #skz fanfic #stray kids fanfiction #stray kids fanfic #stray kids angst #skz oneshots #lee know x reader #lee know fluff #lee know angst #lee minho x reader #minho x reader #stray kids fluff #minho fluff #minho fanfic #minho angst #skz au #skz fluff #skz scenarios #stray kids scenarios #lee know scenarios #stray kids fic #stray kids #skz #stray kids lee know #stray kids x you

[toskarin]

»GET://NOISE« WORKING WITH RI47 HEAVY INDUSTRIES FOR PROFIT AND UNPROFIT

so, I do feel like I should clarify my actual policy on using my tracks in projects. I do this every now and again, but to be fair, circumstances change pretty often

these aren't blanket licences or anything because honestly a few of these are like... complicated enough that it's literally easier to just talk to someone after the conditions are met and give them permission in writing. in nearly every single case, the first step is "contact me directly and we'll make things work"

if you're working on a project to raise money for Palestinian aid, I am especially interested in working with you. of course, I will be checking to make sure the money is actually going to help the people it's supposed to, as I'm unfortunately aware of how many people are trying to take advantage of these tragedies for their own benefit

a case-by-case reference with slightly more detail is included below

-

if you want to download Ri47 music to listen to but can't afford it... legally, I care that you pirate my music. personally, never tell me about it. I don't want to see that, I'm not signed to a label that seeks out uses of my music, and I understand that the international economy is in shambles. ideologically, I am pro-piracy. don't do anything that will legally force me to care (using my work in a commercial project without permission, for example) and we'll both keep on living our lives as we were

if you want to remix a Ri47 track and need stems… I don't have the stems either. I'm bad at recordkeeping, tune my samples by ear, and primarily do my own last pass of mixing in audacity. I might have some stems kicking around, but the odds are that I'm as empty-handed as you are. sorry about that lol

if you want to use a Ri47 song in your freeware (read: not for sale) project... that's probably fine. contact me first, not because I'm going to spring a fee on you, but because a few of my songs are already licensed out to projects that make it a little more challenging to hand them out. this is mostly applicable if you're making rpgmaker games you don't intend on selling

if you want to use a Ri47 song in your small-scale commercial project... if you're making a promo video for a stream, need music for a podcast, or anything like that, contact me first. in almost every case, as long as what you're making isn't a persistent standalone work (read: something you are selling directly, with my music as part of the package) the most I'll usually ask is that you buy one copy of the album

if you want to use a Ri47 song in a more serious commercial project... you can contact me directly to get a licence. I usually don't work on royalties unless you are selling a product that I'd consider "reselling" my work (read: an OST album or other primarily audio-based product) and I'm happy to work with people to find a deal that works for them

if you want to use a Ri47 song in a project that is intended to raise funds for a not-for-profit charity, especially in providing aid to Palestine… the freeware conditions apply. let me know about your plans beforehand, because I almost certainly want to be more directly involved, but there are very few cases where I would say no to this sort of thing

if you need original music or sound design done by Ri47... I'm booked out about a year or so in advance, so I can't promise I can actually join a team actively, but this is extremely contextual. if you need some UI sounds or a handful of piano pieces to feature in a project, I'm much more likely to find time for that

if you want me to feature on an album or compilation, whether that be contributing a song or remixing one that you provide… contact me and let's talk. this one's the most complicated conditions-wise, but I don't bite

the bottom line being... I work within all budgets and project scopes. even if you think the answer is no, drop me a line and you might be surprised. if you're unsure, I'll happily help you figure out what exactly you need. it's easier than taxes!

[w1ldthoughts]

The Hike of a Lifetime

A/n: My first Justin Herbert piece! Let me know what y’all think and if you want more!

Work had actually been slowly killing you the last few weeks. As one of the head nutritionists for the UCLA men’s basketball team you had to come up with 12 different meal plans in the span of two weeks including snacks and protein shakes in the middle of March Madness which had you living out of your suitcase for approximately 23 days. When the Bruins unfortunately lost to the Gonzaga Bulldogs, it was time to take a much needed break. Luckily for you, your sister invited you out to Oregon to spend the week with her. The hustle and bustle of LA was nice and kept you entertained, but the calming presence of Eugene was exactly what the doctor ordered.

Your sister had moved out there from your childhood home in Colorado a few years before in order to pursue her photography career and got a job at the University of Oregon, allowing the two of you to see each other more often during conference play. When you flew in the night before you had dinner together and made plans for a hike in the morning to decompress and of course, gossip. Rachel sadly informed you when you came into her living room a few hours ago that she had to head into the office and edit some pictures to post onto the team’s social media accounts.

“What’s the point of spring football anyway? And can’t you just ask one of the interns to do it?” You whined, tossing around the cereal in your bowl with the spoon.

“I could,” she sighs. “But then I would have to give my approval and why not just be in the room, get it all done and get back home so we can have the relaxing week that I promised you. I’ll only be gone for like—four hours maybe?”

Rachel grabs her keys off the counter and gives you a pat on the back. “I’m all yours the rest of the time, promise.”

“Fine. But I’m dropping you off so I can hike.”

After letting Rachel out of the car at the door near her office in the Hatfield-Dowlin Complex, you drove a few miles until you reached your desired destination. Hendricks Park was the oldest in Eugene but it had pretty flowers and you’d been there before so you felt comfortable navigating it on your own. You made it maybe a mile, before a friendly black dog made his way over to you, nudging your leg with his wet nose.

“Well hello there buddy. Who do you belong to?” You bent down to search for a name on his collar. “Dylan. That’s a cute name, should we go find who you came here with before someone has a heart attack?” You laughed softly as the dog happily panted away and let you grab onto the leash. Before you could even take a step, you heard a booming voice calling out the dog’s name.

The distressed figure comes into view and lets out a sigh of relief. “Oh my gosh, thank you so much for grabbing him. I’m so sorry if he’s bothering you, I literally bent down to tie my shoe and he made a break for it.”

“He’s taking advantage of the fact that you only have one good arm.” You point out. “No worries, he’s sweet. And super friendly.” You handed him the leash and he thanked you again.

“I seriously owe you, my mom would’ve killed me if I lost our dog when I just got home.” He chuckles nervously. God his laugh was cute. “I’m sorry, I never got your name. I’m Justin.”

“I know.” You smile. “It’s nice to meet you though, I’m y/n. Enjoy the rest of your hike.” You grabbed your AirPods and went to place them back in your ears to finish listening to your podcast.

“Wait—maybe we could finish out the hike…together? You know, just so Dylan doesn’t take advantage of me again.”

Those blue eyes that had the slightest green tint to them were going to get you in trouble and you knew it. But you were on a relaxing vacation and hiking with Justin Herbert wasn’t going to happen again so…

“Let’s do it. Wouldn’t want you to hurt your shoulder even more chasing after Dylan. Bolt nation might actually collapse if anything happens to you so I’m calling this a public service.”

He unsuccessfully tries to stifle a laugh. “What a Good Samaritan you are.”

Justin was funny. And sweet. And the most fun company you’ve had in a while. You talked about your job, March Madness and living in LA. Even though you both lived very different lives, it was filled with sports and schedules and meetings and practices and there were a lot of things to bond over. Before you knew it you’d been out there for five hours and Rachel texted you to let you know she was done and ready to resume your sisterly activities. He took a look at your deflated expression.

“Do you need to head out?”

“Yeah, unfortunately.” You whispered. “This was fun though.”

He readjusts the hat on his head. “Yeah this was great. Um, I meant what I said earlier though. I owe you.” He nods towards the phone in your hands and puts in his number, texting himself immediately so he has yours.

“Maybe we could grab dinner or something before you head back to LA?” He states pensively, holding his breath a bit until you answered.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

The two of you head back to the parking lot and you give Dylan one more pat on the head. You look up to meet Justin’s gaze, shy smiles painting both of your faces. He walked you all the way to your car and waved goodbye as you drove away to meet Rachel.

She found you beaming in the driver’s seat and immediately looked confused.

“What’s got you so smiley? That hike change your life or something?” She finished with a dry laugh.

“I’m not sure, but I think it may have…”

Rachel nods her head slowly, desperately hoping to understand what’s going on. “Yeah okay whatever. Let’s get some lunch because I am absolutely starving.”

You put the car in drive, your phone notifying you of a text from its spot on the dashboard car mount. Rachel grabs it and asks, “who the hell is Justin and why is he asking if you’re free tomorrow night?”

Yeah, that hike definitely may have just changed…everything.

#justin herbert #justin herbert imagine #justin herbert x reader #justin herbert fanfic #nfl imagine

[sanguineterrain]

here’s a cowboy eddie thought inspired by listening to the dracula podcast. thinking about how eddie would totally say “that’s my brave girl”, about just about anything. learned a new skill? that’s my brave girl. did something you were nervous about? that’s my brave girl. had a whole nervous breakdown and are now all watery eyed in his lap? that’s my brave girl… he’d probably punctuate it with a kiss on the head, too.

anon ur brain is so big... full of incredible thoughts... luv it 🫶this one kinda got away from me lmao but i hope you like it anyway | fem!reader x cowboy!eddie, kind of suggestive at the end

****

"Missus, Missus!"

Henry skids to a stop in front of the bar, where you've been scrubbing at a sticky spot for the last five minutes.

You drop the rag into the bucket and wipe your forehead with the back of your hand.

"Ain't you s'posed to be in school, Henry Sherman?" you ask, hand on your hip.

"Aw, it's too hot for school, Missus," Henry whines. "'Sides, Mr. Porter gave me a dime to be the lookout for today. Guess who just rode in?"

"I dunno. Mr. Leland?"

Henry makes a face. "The postman? No, no. That ain't exciting. Guess again. You got one more guess."

You smile and lean against the bartop.

"Hmm... fastest gunslinger in the West?"

Henry nods eagerly. "Uh-huh! Mr. Hellfire's back!"

Your smile drops. "What? Henry, are you sure?"

Henry bounces on his toes. "Yes, ma'am! He just rode in ten minutes ago. Asked specifically for you. He's at the inn right now."

"Oh." You pat your skirt down like Mr. Hellfire's just walked in. "Uh, thank you, Henry. Here's a nickel."

You flip him a coin. Henry catches it happily.

"Alright! 'M gettin' a peppermint stick."

"Don't spoil your dinner," you say distractedly, sliding off your apron and walking around the counter to get your bag.

Henry hangs behind, drumming his fingers on the stool.

"Are you gonna marry Mr. Hellfire?"

You miss a step on your way out the door, catching yourself on the side of the building.

"What—why do you ask that, Henry?"

"'Cause you hang out with him a lot, even though people say he's bad."

"He ain't bad," you say softly. "People just talk too much."

"I know that," Henry says. "He brought me real cowboy boots for Christmas. Bad people don't give Christmas presents."

You chuckle and pat the top of Henry's head.

"No, most don't."

"He gives you lots of gifts too," Henry continues. "And Mr. Porter told me that men only give gifts to women they're gonna hitch their cart to."

You shake your head. "Henry, please don't repeat anything Mr. Porter says."

"Is it true?"

You roll your eyes. "I'm sure he thinks it's true."

"So you ain't gonna marry Mr. Hellfire? 'Cause I think it'd be real fine if you did. He's got a good horse and a big hat, and he's nice to me an' the other kids. And he brings us caramels!"

"Caramels? Don't buy peppermint sticks if he gave you caramels, Henry."

"I'm savin' those for later," he says, and you know he won't.

You go inside the inn. Eddie's hat is on the table next to him. His dark curls are pulled back into a ponytail. Sweat has gathered on his brow and in the dips of his collarbone. Your heart lurches. It's been a month since you'd seen him; you were starting to think Eddie would never come back.

Henry's sister, Sally, is sat at Eddie's feet, alongside a few other children. Eddie has his guitar out, quietly singing. You lean back on a table and listen to his crooning.

Henry eventually loses patience, though, and goes up to his sister hallway through the song.

"Sally, c'mon. Momma said we needa be home by supper."

Sally glances at her brother and pouts.

"He singin'," she says.

Eddie catches your gaze. You wave awkwardly. He beams and winks at you.

Lord, you're hungry for this man.

"I'll sing again tomorrow, Miss Sally," Eddie tells her sweetly, and drops a wrapped caramel into her tiny palm. "Any song you want. Alright?"

Sally seems to find this trade acceptable and holds Eddie's knee to stand. She walks to you and gives you a quick hug, then leaves with her brother.

"We wanna hear another song!" one boy shouts.

"Yeah, play it!"

Eddie looks at them, and you can tell his resolve will slip. Horses and kids, his only weaknesses.

"Y'know, last I checked, school isn't over," you say, brow raised. "Don't y'all have somewhere to be?"

They turn to you with wide eyes.

"Don't tell Teacher, please!"

You tilt your head at the door. "Then you'd all best get a move on, hm?"

They scramble for the door and you only feel a little guilty at the empty threat. But then Eddie stands, body long and lean, and you don't feel so bad.

"You run a tight ship, peach," he says, striding over to you.

He's always dressed in black. You've never seen him in any other color. If you'd been given any good sense, you might take that as a warning. Might heed the whispers that fly through town every time Eddie returns.

But you hadn't come into this world with any damn sense, and you don't intend to find any now.

"I've got to when Mr. Hellfire's in town," you say, leaning back on your hands. "You've made quite the reputation for yourself."

"Oh, I know," he purrs, leaning in close. "Brave girl, going toe-to-toe with the no-good devil that sweeps through."

Your heartbeat soars at Eddie's honeyed voice. He lightly presses his mouth to yours; barely a kiss. It leaves you breathless all the same.

"Ed—" you start, reaching for him.

Eddie takes your wrists in his hands, rubbing the insides with his thumbs, one leg between yours.

"Hm, baby? Whatcha need?"

"Want you to—"

He tilts his head. You anxiously look around, not wanting the innkeeper or anybody to catch you tangled up with the one person you definitely shouldn't be.

"Go on," Eddie says, breath tickling your neck. "My brave girl's gotta ask for what she wants."

"Want you to–to love on me."

"Ain't you sweet," he whispers, gently cupping the back of your neck. "Well, since my brave girl used her words so nice, of course I'll give her anything she wants."

#teeheehee :D he makes me all squishy #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson imagine #stranger things x reader #stranger things fanfiction #cowboy eddie munson #cowboy au #inbox #blurb

[darlinboypresley]

lotta true crime part 4

pairing: serial killer Austin x reader

summary: serial killer Austin kidnaps reader who has a podcast about true crime with her friends cus she saw something she shouldn't

trigger warnings: mentions of murder and well death kidnapping Stockholm syndrome.. mentions of various serial killers talk of blood and knifes psychotic thinking... and smut in the next chapters last but not least my shitty writing

authors note: sorry it took so long to write art 4 i kept re writing it. might be a part 5,6

special tag: @asshlyyyy

*couple of years earlier *

“I might…” Austin said as he took another swing of his drink. “I might kill my ex…” he laughed as he looked at his best friend.

“Not the best idea….  Her new boyfriends next.” He said and stared daggers at his so called best friend Jordan, but Jordan should’ve known better he should’ve know better then fuck Austin’s girlfriend.

Did he really love her no? Did that matter no. It wasn’t a if I can’t have her no one will kind of case, but tsk he thought Jordan knew better then touch what’s his 

*present time*

Now how did he get here…in downtown Los Angeles.

He slit the girls neck, but little did he know he was getting sloppy sure he wore gloves but there was a witness .. and he dropped the knife.

Little did he know that person saw his face. Maybe not clearly but certain details they’ll remember 

*pov switch* 

Meanwhile It’s been a couple of months since Austin kidnapped you.

Your friends and family have been looking for you every night and day, while you were happily playing house with your serial killer boyfriend. And the worst part was it didn’t even bother you one bit.

You were happy and sure Austin wasn’t perfect but who was you were blinded by love. And you weren’t exactly perfect either. You cleaned the stains out of his blood stained clothes and made him dinner.

If you were being honest Austin was insane and you handled it beautifully. You never saw yourself as a house wife at all you hated when people wanted that 1950s shit they asked from you.

But here you were willing to be a bride love really did make blind and you’d be damned if you’d let it slip by. 

When Austin came home from work you were laying on the couch as you scrolled though Netflix. Watching that new Dahmer show, because at the end of the day you were still a true crime student taking online courses. 

He smiled softly as he put his keys down after he  locked the door back up. He walked over to the couch and bend down kissing you. “Hi” he said in between the kiss “baby”. You smiled softly and kissed back holding his cheek. “Hm hi how was work?” You asked and sat up a bit.

Austin sat down on the couch and put your legs on his lap. He let out a dry chuckle and started kissing up your neck. “Chilled a bit” he mumbled. Getting closer and closer to your ear “killed a bit” he whispered in your ear. And started to tickle you.

You laughed softly, this man had all of you, he owned you and he…. He would be lost without you. It’s crazy really how fast two people can fall in love, how fast they can bond over being insane… and then end up insanely in love with one another. You remember your friends, they were talking about you on the podcast it was kinda sad. A part of you felt guilty but then again they never treated you good did they. At the end of the day you knew that in a few months they wouldn’t even notice you were gone.

You got snapped out of your thoughts. As the door bell ring you looked over at Austin and he frowned as he checked the camera on his phone. “Cops…?” He mumbled to himself as he looked at you. “Listen honey I want you to go hide in room underneath our bed okay?” He said and cupped your face kissing you.

After the kiss you ran off and hid underneath your bed. Austin on the other hand went out to the door and opened it. “Good afternoon officer,how can I help you today?” He asked ever do polite. “ good afternoon mr butler just wondering why you got all these… bars up your window and doors…?” The police officer asked suspicious.

Austin chuckles and  let out a small sigh “yeah well officer I do live in a nasty neighborhood rather be safe then sorry” he said and rubbed the back of his neck. 

The officer nodded and scanned all over him still suspicious. “What happened to your hand..? If I may ask” the officer asked and looked at the bandage around his hand. “Oh I burned it while taking something out of the oven.” Austin said and looked down at his hand.

The Other officer nodded and spoke up. “You haven’t heard anything about the murders in the neighborhood have you, the missing girl?” He said as he showed him a. Picture of you, Austin looked at the picture and shook his head “no sir sorry I haven’t seen her around” was all he said. The officer nodded and spoke up for the last time “just uh stay in town we might have some more questions, if you see anything call us” he said before walking of.

Austin nodded and closed the door “good day officer”. He said and waited for them to to get in their car and drive of as soon as they did. He kicked the door “FUCK”. He said and rubbed his face you came running out of the room and looked at him.

“What’s happening ..?” You asked nervous. Austin walked over and wrapped his arms around your waist. 

“Well baby better start packing, we’re going to Vegas “

love, jessica

#austin butler #elvis 2022 #austin butler elvis #austin butler x reader #austin butler imagine #austin butler fanfiction #elvis presley #elvis movie #x reader #austinbutler!elvisxreader #elvis presley x reader #elvis x reader #elvis film #elvis imagine #elvis #austin!elvis x reader #elvis fic #elvis fanfiction #elvis fanfic #serial killer austin

[cytryndor]

I dedicate this post to @starmaniswaitinginthesky, who prompted me with „I'd actually love to see a scene with them realizing Charles is not so heterosexual himself?”

To begin, lemme present you a list that I made last night:

People Charles would find attractive (and thought that’s heterosexual thing to do):

* Elvis Presley

* Tony Curtis

* John F Kennedy

* George Takei

…and more! If you have any more ideas, lemme know.

Now, to the scene.

Let’s say it around 2022/2023, and Charles still doesn’t know that Mr Takei is, in fact, someone more than an ally. And that he, Mabel and Oliver got invited on some fancy dinner party (I mean, he does know about that, that one is to let’s say).

And that someone made him realize, that most heterosexual males are not attracted to Tony Curtis, or George Takei.

-

Charles: Why- how would I know their sexualities?

Oliver: How would you, exactly.

[Quite obviously, CHARLES’ in shock. OLIVER looks quite delighted, and MABEL just enjoys the show]

Charles: When, when did he even came out?

Oliver: So, to the public he came out in 2005. For me, way back in the 70s.

Charles: Why would he came out to you? [scoff]

Oliver: [humble] Well, it’s nice to know of someone’s taste into you before you take them to bed.

[MABEL almost spits out her drink; OLIVER tries not to grin, and stay in his humble persona, and CHARLES has his mouth wide open, not believing what he just heard. OLIVER lifts up his hand, and closes CHARLES’ mouth, gently patting his cheek afterwards, kindness in his eyes. CHARLES regains his posture]

Charles: You know what? This is bullshit. I’m tired of you making up all of those „celeb stories” of yours. Grow up.

[in the meantime, they’re approached by GEORGE TAKEI himself]

George: Ollie! [he greets OLIVER, places his hands on PUTNAM’s arms and kisses him on both cheeks]

Oliver: Georgie [smiles, and seemingly ignores CHARLES, who is (quite understandably) in shock] Have you met my friend, Charles-

George: -Haden Savage, of course [now, he turns to CHARLES, and shakes his hand] Haven’t had the pleasure yet.

Charles: Oh- oh, yes. My pleasure.

Oliver: [under his breath] It sure is.

[For that, he got lightly and quietly smacked by MABEL and her elbow]

Mabel: Mabel Mora [now, it’s her turn to shake his hand, which she does gracefully] It’s really lovely to meet you.

George: The pleasure is mine. After all, Oliver’s friends are my friends [again, he smiles at PUTNAM, and lets go of MABEL’s hand]

Oliver: Now, listen, Georgie, Charles here is a big fan of yours [two pairs of eyes are locked at OLIVER; GEORGE is just looking, with kindness in his eyes, and CHARLES is murdering OLIVER with his gaze. MABEL, on the other hand, is looking at CHARLES, worried that he might blow up (literally, not like at OLIVER) any second] And I thought, why wouldn’t you give him your number? I’m sure he’d be thrilled. And, after all, you’re both big TV stars. I’m sure there’s lots of stuff you two can talk about.

George: Oh, there’s no problem whatsoever,

[GEORGE starts looking around for some piece of paper and something to write with; and while he can’t find anything to write on, he was handed a black marker by MABEL. As if it’s nothing, he takes CHARLES’ hand and starts writing his numer on it. OLIVER is happily smiling, looking at MABEL and CHARLES. MABEL is also looking at her besties, and CHARLES is speechless]

George: There you go.

[GEORGE smiles at CHARLES, and gives MABEL back her marker. Someone in the room yells for GEORGE, so he excuses himself and leaves the podcast trio. Now, as they’re left alone, OLIVER and MABEL looks at CHARLES with anticipation. SAVAGE tho, instead of doing something they’d expect, just looks OLIVER and goes:]

Charles: It’s ridiculous! Is there any celebrity that’s our age that you haven’t slept with?

[Before OLIVER can answer, MABEL chimes in]

Mabel: I don’t know, you?

[CHARLES scoffs]

Oliver: And what a shame it is.

#oliver putnam #charles haden savage #mabel mora #george takei #tony curtis #olicharles #scene #only murders in the building #only murders hulu #omitb #omitb hulu #brazzos #star trek

[bigupsdog]

Intro dialog for every Guilty Gear character day 2: Elphelt

Sol: A Rockstar now eh, ya like Queen?

El: Whoa, that's super retro, you really know your stuff, wait how old are you again?

Ky: Just so you know, no one back at Illyria castle saw you as any kind of burden.

El: I know, but I needed leave, I have to spread my voice.

May: Hay Elphelt, how are your sisters?

El: They're doing great, how are yours, it's alright if this takes a while.

Axl: You ever lose a person ya love?

El: Kind of, he was also a metal singer, but i'm still not really sure if I loved him or if I was told to love him.

Chipp: A rock star? Well I'm a ninja star.

El: The two of us will shine so bright we'll ignite the sky.

Potemkin: I always wanted to learn music, but I would break any instrument I'd get my hands on.

El: Oh no buddy, I'm sure we can make an instrument tough enough to handle your metal.

Faust: Diagnosis… butterflies… in… stomach.

El: Gross, get them out!

Milia: Not all love stories end in happily ever after I'm afraid.

El: Don't worry Millia you'll find the perfect someone someday.

Zato: Love? Is that what I feel when I'm around, her?

El: By her, do you mean, me!?!

Ram: Speothos Venaticus, hmm maybe we should get you a dog of your own.

El: Yes! Yes! Yes! Then your dog and my dog could be boyfriend and girlfriends, eek!

Leo: The castle has definitely been a lot less noisy since you left.

El: You can't scream your heart out in a place like that without someone else screaming at you to quiet down.

Nago: If you hand me that marriage certificate one more time I'll cut it to shreds.

El: Luckily I have hundreds more, so stop playing hard to get.

Gio: Speothos Venaticus? Met a couple of those where I'm from.

El: YOU DID! Tell me all about them and how they're the cutest, best thing in the world!

Anji: I wouldn't exactly say your music is good to dance too.

El: Oh you have to do a specific kind of dance, I think it's called the mosh.

I-No: Music, I prefer to call whatever you're doing, shit.

El: Well you're not very radio friendly.

Goldlewis: Never been much of a fan of metal, ya like county?

El: Nope :) But that's ok we all can like the music we like.

Jack-O: Just took Soooool on a really sappy daaaate.

El: Well don't hold out on me, let me hear all the juicy details.

HC: I've never heard anything like your music before, gotta say I'm a fan.

El: REALLY! If you sign here you can join my fanclub, it currently only has 4 members so seats are open!

Baiken: You're too loud I can barely hear myself think.

El: Oh sorry I'll try to play my new song “The Demons Deadly Wedding from Hell” a little quieter.

Testament: You were almost pupited to kill those you love… I'm happy you managed to avoid that fate.

El: Kliff… I know he loved you more than anything, even after you became a gear.

Bridget: I've heard about a secret energy called “Girl Power” can you teach me how to harness it?

El: My first decipl! I'll teach you everything I know!

Sin: So you decided to leave the castle and march to the beat of your own drum, I can respect that.

El: I'm marching alright and nothing's gonna slow me down, unless I trip.

Delilah: Would you mind quieting down? I'm trying to sleep.

El: I could sing you a death metal lullaby if you want.

Asuka R#: Just to warn you I am an artificial lifeform, but I am nothing like the Universal Will.

El: Just don't force people to do stuff they don't want to do and I guess you're fine.

Asuka R Kreutz: Any advice on being more entertaining for my podcast.

El: It's your lucky day cause you're talking to a girl who's listener count has doubled to 18, we'll get you your fans in no time.

Johnny: Love songs eh, ya got one for me?

El: Of course, and soon I'll have a song for every person on this planet.

ABA: Maybe one day you'll have half my charm and you can get a man half as good as Paracelsus.

El: Ahh thanks ABA, that's really sweet :)

#guilty gear #elphelt valentine #elphelt guilty gear #intro dialog

[waitingtobebroken]

i’m trying to think of funny things to say but.. i wish you would write a fic where they’re doing a murder mystery podcast? crowley’s wearing a purple dress (pls for me 🥺 👉🏻👈🏻)? they’re being the cutest beans falling in love with each other while working at a coffee shop oh wait you’re already writing that (thank god) 💜😌

Awwww, you are so sweet 🥺🥺

Crowley can absolutely wear a purple dress (and look amazing in it of course!) but I am actually TERRIFIED of murder mysteries! Yes, even though I was trying to get you to listen to The Magnus Archives haha! There is just something about it being real life stuff that makes it more scary than paranormal things!

So, here is my alternative suggestion! Ghost hunters podcast with both of them being awkward beans already halfway through falling in love. And Crowley being the biggest scaredy cat ever but trying to act all tough and protect Aziraphale. And maybe he falls and hurts himself while they are breaking into an abandoned house and Aziraphale has to carry him out (do you see my ✨vision✨???). And of course he is fussing so much that he completely misses the actual ghosts that are right in front of them! And Crowley decides to keep quiet because if he tells him maybe Aziraphale'll want to come back (he won't, he is never going in there again. He SAW those things, thank you very much).

And then they start a different podcast and get married and live happily ever after (with lots of purple dresses and cafe shops!)

Wait... did you... did you trick me into adding ANOTHER thing into my WIP folder??? 🥲

#good omens #good omen fic ideas #answered asks

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Um uh, howdy sex witch!

I unfortunately was raised christian at a private school where the extent of my sex ed was basically the most generic description of how sex works + abortion and premarital sex is a sin also because ur afab ur purpose on this planet is to have babies! And unfortunately that has not had the best effect on me. If you happen to have any good sex ed resources I would love to read them, and if you can, so you have any advice to not feel.. guilty, I guess, afterwards? Sorry if this message is nonsensical I'm not used to talking to people about this lmao

hello anon!

congrats on moving on from all that and seeking out info for yourself!

I cannot recommend Lindsey Doe's youtube channel, Sexplanations, enough as a starting point for learning about sex and sexuality. Dr. Doe's videos are short, lighthearted, and bursting with info, plus the archive goes back YEARS! almost any topic you can think of has been covered by Dr. Doe at some point, so you can search for specifics or scroll through tons of videos and click on anything that catches your interest. Dr. Doe also has crossovers with other educators and recommendations of other resources to check out, so it's a great rabbit hole of learning to fall down! if you like podcasts, I just recommended Kate Lister's Betwixt the Sheets the other day and I'll happily do it again; Lister covers a wide range of historical topics, some much more sexual than others, with different guest experts every episode, and always keeps it fun, inquisitive, and far too curious to be judgmental.

your other question, how to not feel guilty about sex, is more complicated; I can't just point you to a youtuber for that one. but 6000 years ago, long before I was the sex witch, I had a lot of discomfort with sex too! the thing that got me through that was pursuing more information, watching people with much less negative judgments about sex talk about it like any other topic that was interesting, worth discussing, and no more shameful or special than any other topic. like, the more I listened to other people talk about, say, masturbation as a thing that was very natural and cool and fun to discuss, the more at ease I felt with touching my own body.

it's not an easy or linear process, but the process of learning to replace shame with open-minded wonder and curiosity instead of shame is well-worth the practice and makes life more interesting on a hundred different levels, not just sex. don't be hard on yourself when you catch yourself slipping into old sex-negative patterns, sit yourself down and have a little convo with yourself. recognize that you're doing your best to think differently and appreciate the progress you've made, while giving yourself whatever pep talk you need to alleviate those feelings of guilt. do you journal? journaling through the yucky feelings can be soooo helpful for releasing them and finding some peace of mind and clarity.

#sex edventures 2023

[honeykngdom]

𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚜 𝚑𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚢 | 𝚎.𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕 | 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚜𝚒𝚡

Pairing: Embry Call x Original Character Summary: Join Ainsley and Embry as they embark on a journey where they are forced to question everything they thought they knew, and embrace the pain that is inevitable to avoid in love. An imprint story. Self-discovery. Angst and romance. Word Count: 5k Warnings: implied cunnalingus, puking A/N: I apologize that I haven't updated this story in forever. I'm in the middle of binging Naruto and my ass is thirsting so hard over the ninja men but I felt it was only fair if I updated this WIP before I posted anything related to another fandom >.< prev. chapter | next chapter  

Despite my mother’s various protests, I found myself settling into Embry’s home quite comfortably. I hadn’t necessarily moved in, but I didn’t exactly live at home anymore, either. I spent a lot of my time on the tiny loveseat Jacob and Embry shared, finishing homework and listening to Podcasts, waiting for Embry to return home from a long night shift, or the extra shifts he was pulling to help out. 

It turned out Jacob worked with Embry, too, so the house was mostly empty apart from myself and the sound of the wind knocking the pipes together. Most of the time, I forced myself to stay awake until they’d come home in the wee hours of the morning. I never slept soundly without Embry in the bed, anyway. 

It had been three weeks since I last slept in my own bed; I now sat perched on the counter as Embry chopped red peppers into thin slices. I watched the way his back contracted with the gentle movements, enjoying the way his skin expanded whenever he stretched a hand to the size to stir the pan simmering on the stove aimlessly.  

“You’re staring.” Embry mused quietly, looking over his shoulder at me. 

I lifted a brow, raising the wine glass to my lips to take a small sip. “You’re sort of beautiful, you know that?”

Embry chuckled lightheartedly as he tossed the peppers into the pan. “Is that what we’re calling me this week?”

Last week, it was handsome. I accidentally said it while we were in the shower, not really something I had meant to say out loud. I was speaking about something out loud, but while thinking it in my head the words overlapped. Embry found my embarrassment cute, but I had never felt more happy to say it. I then made sure to say things like that frequently as a reminder that I adored him. 

“Yes, it is.” I lifted my chin, taking another sip of the red liquid that sloshed around in the oversized glass. They say one glass a day, right? Embry joked when he noticed it in the thrift store — and laughed so hard at his own joke, he purchased it just so he could fill it to the brim each night with dinner. We hadn’t been by Emily’s in almost a week now, choosing to stay at home and spend whatever free time Embry had, together. 

Embry brought the stovetop down to a simmer and turned to settle in between my thighs, hands resting on the countertop on either side of my bottom. I draped my arms over his shoulders, seeming pleased with my confidence. When he didn’t say anything, I tilted my head to the side and raised a brow again, “What?”

“Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

He leaned forward to press his lips to the side of my neck, just under my ear, “Giving me compliments.” 

I hummed in a sort of delight, letting my eyes slip shut, “I thought you liked it when I fed your ego.”

He chuckled again, lips moving to press to the hollow base of my throat, “You do that plenty enough in the bedroom, honey, trust me.” 

I let my mind wander to the previous night: the more comfortable I felt with him, the more I let myself go. My moans were loud enough the house could’ve shook, finding pleasure in watching Embry focus so intently on me to draw them from me. I felt it was only fair to happily oblige, no doubt boosting whatever confidence he had over his sexual abilities through the roof. My fingers would grip the sheets so tightly my knuckles would turn white, making a mess of my hair each time he’d comb his fingers through it just to pull my head back to expose my neck. 

I almost felt bad for Jacob. Almost. They were technically his nights off, too. 

Since winter had rolled in, I was constantly wearing turtlenecks and hoodies to hide the litter of love bites Embry left. It was never too much, but they were for us to see and enjoy. They were the casual reminders that whatever we had was simply amazing and hot and real — and it drove me absolutely crazy. 

Once we were settled into our seats across from each other, I was the first to shovel a forkful of the pasta into my mouth; I didn’t really cook when Embry wasn’t around, and oftentimes found myself going hungry if he failed to come home in a timely manner. That was still just my secret. 

“Fuck,” I moaned quietly, taking another bite, “why haven’t you been cooking for me this whole time?” 

“Because we eat at Emily’s.” He reminded me, shovelling his own forkful into his mouth. 

I brought the wine glass to my lips and downed the rest of my drink. “Looks like I found myself a husband.” I said, mostly to myself. When I glanced across the table at Embry, he was watching me with big brown eyes and a new sort of adoration. “Don’t.” I said, suddenly realizing the severity of what I had just said.

“I didn’t say anything.” He smiled, his eyes dropping back to his food. The smile on his face was unmistakable. “Not a word.” 

“But you’re thinking about it.” I squinted, grabbing the bottle to pour myself another glass. One glass a day, my ass.

“Of course I am,” Embry sighed, resting his elbows on the table, “I already told you what I want.” 

“And I told you that you’re insane,” I retorted, moving the food around on my plate, “multiple times.” I added quietly. 

“Doesn’t have to be now.” He grumbled, shoving another bite into his mouth. “Just peace of mind, that’s all.” 

“Embry,” I sighed, watching his shoulders drop the slightest as though he were expecting me to retaliate. I had been doing that a lot — I might have semi-moved into his home, but I still held him at arm's length with a lot of things. I still shot him down, especially when all he was trying to do was be a happy, lovesick idiot. 

And here I was trying to stick a cork in all of the fun. 

“I’m not going anywhere, okay?” I smiled, reaching across the table to touch his fingers. “I promise.” 

· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·

The morning of Thanksgiving, I was woken by gentle kisses pressed against my back. “You know what I’m thankful for?” Embry had asked quietly, lips pressing another warm kiss to my spine.

“Hmm?” I hummed, hugging the pillow. 

“My brothers,” He started, pressing his lips to the small of my back, “and my mother.” His mouth trailed to my hips. I slowly began to turn over, opening an eye to peer down at him, “But I’m most thankful for you.”

His teeth grazed my thigh and I tensed. 

“Thankful for your kindness.” 

A soft sigh slipped past my lips as he bit into the flesh.

“Thankful for your patience.” 

My hands drifted up into his hair.

“Thankful for your love, even if I’m undeserving.” 

My legs shifted apart, allowing him to settle in between my thighs. 

“Thankful for all the adorable noises you make.”

He pressed a warm, open mouthed kiss to my swollen folds, enticing a slow whine somewhere in the back of my throat. 

“Just so, so thankful for you.” 

He had spent the morning pleasing me in so many different ways, trying to show me just how thankful he truly was. Once we showered and dressed, we drove hand-in-hand to Emily’s. I offered to help in preparing for the feast she had to make, feeling somewhat obligated after extending an invitation to my family. Billy offered to bring the veggies and stuffing. Sue was bringing the desserts. Jennie was bringing the fresh buns and roasted potatoes — which left Emily and I with the turkey, other forms of potatoes, extra stuffing (my mother wasn’t really aware of how much these men could put away) and other various appetizers. 

When we arrived at the Uley house, I could smell the delicious scent of fresh bread from outside in my Jeep. Embry followed behind me now, rather than leading me into the home. It was something that naturally shifted over our time together. My boyfriend pressed a quick kiss to my cheek as I shrugged from my jacket; he would retire to the living room with Sam, Paul and Jared to watch whatever sports game was on the television, while the rest of us remained in the kitchen. 

A few weeks ago, Emily and Sam proudly announced the expectancy of a second little Uley. Now, Emily was all but sweating buckets in the kitchen, trying to keep her bump from accidentally hitting the hot stovetop. I thought it was sweet how much Emily already mothered the unborn child. 

“Looking good, Em.” I cooed, leaning over the counter to press a quick kiss to her cheek. 

Emily smiled in return. Despite the clear exhaustion, she managed to keep her typical happy-go-lucky demeanor. “Renesmee and her parents will be joining us.” She whispered, looking over to the living room. “Jake conveniently forgot to mention anything until this morning.” 

“We’re crunch baking.” Kim added, looking slightly distressed with her current task from the kitchen table. 

“Crunch baking?”

“Sue said she ran out of flour last night and didn’t have time to go to the store, and Sam wouldn’t let me leave to bring her some, so we’re making muffins.” 

I nodded, ducking down to the bottom drawer to fish for one of Emily’s aprons, “What can I do?” I asked as I pulled my hair into a low ponytail, pushing my sleeves up to the elbows. We spent the majority of the afternoon in the kitchen, listening to the boys converse back and forth in the living room. Each time someone arrived, another beer was opened for each of them. By the time my brothers arrived, I was certain the group was feeling pretty tipsy. 

Jennie hung her coat over the back of a chair and ran towards me with open arms, “I miss you!” She squealed quietly, holding me close. 

“Miss you, too, mom.” I sighed, wrapping my arms around my mother’s slender frame. She was wearing the same blue shirt from Billy’s birthday, her hair pulled back into one of her infamous buns paired with a matching set of hooped earrings. It was moments like this that led me to believe I would age just as gracefully as Jennie was – I would be so lucky. 

“You should come home.” She chided, pulling me to the table. “We miss having you at home.” 

I tried to look empathetic, but the truth was, I was perfectly happy with Embry. “I’ll visit more often, I promise.” 

Jennie pressed her lips into a firm line, watching me carefully. “You really love this man?” She asked quietly. 

I looked past my mother to where Embry stood, talking to my brothers. He looked simply gorgeous in his blue jean button down, with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and his hair freshly cut. I offered to trim it down, and then we got a little distracted and I ended up buzzing his entire head by accident. Not that it bothered Embry – we both seemed to like it. 

Jennie followed my eyes and smiled. “He is pretty.” She noted, taking the beer Emily had just placed down in front of her. 

“He’s the best,” I lamented, placing a hand on my mother's arm, “you really don’t have to worry about me.” It went on like that, the pair of us swapping stories of what had been going on over the last few weeks. Jennie had cut back on hours to spend more time with Billy and TJ, only working nights on bi-weekly rotation instead of every week. I mentioned being finished with my school work for the term, having plenty of free time to look for a part time job to keep myself occupied and busy while Embry was working. Jennie seemed to appreciate this.

“It’s just happening a little fast, don’t you think?” She asked quietly with concern feathering her features. “I’m happy you found someone that respects and loves you, baby, I really am. But it’s not good to isolate yourself –”

“I’m not.” I said quickly, shaking my head. “He doesn’t stop me from seeing anyone, I choose to spend my time with him.” 

We watched each other for a few moments before Jennie lifted her gaze: Embry had come to stand behind me, letting his hands rest on my shoulders. TJ had followed his suit, seated next to my mother. 

“Jennie,” Embry started, leaning down the slightest bit so she didn’t have to look too far up, “looking beautiful as always.” 

“Oh, Embry.” My mother waved him away, folding her legs over one another. “Flattery will get you everywhere.” 

“So they tell me.” He laughed nervously. I looked up at him, raising a brow. “Do you mind I steal you for a sec, hon?” 

“Uh, sure.” I stood up, pressing a quick kiss to TJ’s cheek as I passed, following Embry out of the front door and into the cold. He could have at least warned me. “What’s up, Emb?” I asked once we stood near the hood of my Jeep.

“It’s about Renesmee’s parents.” He started, pulling me towards the passenger side, away from the house. Embry pondered for a few moments, not seeming to care for the bitter wind nipping at our exposed skin. “They’re .. different.” He said the word slowly, trying to add emphasis on how different without actually implicating anything. 

“Isn’t everyone?” I asked, uselessly folding my arms to keep myself from getting cold.

Embry seemed to struggle with something, watching me with weary eyes. After a moment he signed, “I need you to keep an open mind. And any questions you have, any questions at all, I will answer later.” He promised. “When we’re home.” Embry added quickly, glancing over my head to the house.

“Why would I need an open mind?”

“Just, please?” He pleaded, pulling my hands to his lips to kiss my fingertips. The warmth was heavenly. “For me?”

“Okay.” I said slowly. When he smiled, I felt my chest expand twice its size and I relaxed. I had no idea why he would be so worried in the first place – it wasn’t as though I had a habit of judging those around me. 

Well, not entirely. 

It wasn’t until an hour later that Emily reminded the group that dinner would be ready shortly when I noticed Renesmee standing in the kitchen with Jacob and a few others I didn’t quite recognize. I leaned back a little bit, trying to rear my neck to look at the strangers I had yet to meet. They must be her parents. 

“Honey,” Embry chided, kissing my neck to pull my attention away from the kitchen, “it’s your turn.” 

I looked down at my hand, then to the table quickly. “Check.” I mumbled, looking at Jared for his final response. 

“Check.”

“Alright, show your hands.” Quil clapped, looking at Jared expectantly.

Jared grinned ear to ear, “Read em and weep, sucker!” I looked down at his straight hand, and smiled. 

“Cute.” I replied, placing my hand on the table. “But I’ve got a flush.” 

“Fuck off!” Jared yelled, leaning over the table to reread my cards. Twice. He dug into his pocket, pulling a five from his wallet and handed it to Embry. 

“Thank you.” 

“I’m winning my money back,” Jared grumbled, pushing the chips towards mine and Embry’s growing pile. “Your girl’s a shark.” 

“Nah, you just have shit luck.” Embry mused, counting all of the fives he had managed to weasel out of Jared’s pocket that afternoon. “Really, Jared. Eight years later, and I still don’t feel bad about taking all your money.” Embry’s mouth twitched into a smile, finishing the remainder of his beer. He looked at me and winked, fingers curling into my hair, rubbing my scalp appreciatively. 

“He’s my good luck charm.” I smiled, leaning into my boyfriend’s side. 

Sam had suggested playing something other than poker, seeing as some members of the group couldn’t afford to bet the way others could. We ended up playing Bullshit, which also didn’t end well for Jared. I was beginning to wonder if Kim was the only lucky thing that he had in his life. 

When Emily called to her husband for help with the turkey, the group slowly stretched their limbs and stood, preparing for their retreat to the kitchen lineup to fill their plates. Embry rolled the joints in his arms, yawning loudly before he reached his hand down to squeeze my backside, offering me an innocent smile when I reared around to shoot him a glare. He leaned over Billy’s frame to grab us plates, while I dropped low to hug my uncles shoulder’s. 

“Not you, too.” Billy grumbled, looking at Embry when he wrapped his arm around my waist. 

“Oh, leave him alone, dad.” Jacob chided, folding his arms, “It’s what he’s wanted.” 

“Ainsley!” Renesmee called, and suddenly my arms were wrapped around Nessie’s thin frame, head whirling with just how quick the tiny woman could be. “You’re here.” 

“Duh,” I laughed, pulling back to look at Renesmee’s dress. It was cream colored and covered in pretty black designs – more sophisticated than I envisioned when she said she was going for simple. 

My eyes drifted behind Nessie’s mountain of hair; two beautifully pale and seemingly flawless individuals stood several feet behind her, nearly wrapped up in each other's arms. Given their pale complexions, I deduced that they weren’t from the reservation, that was for sure. 

“Honey,” Embry cleared his throat, resting a hand on the small of my back, “this is Bella and Edward.” 

I watched the way their eyes scrutinized me; Bella’s brown orbs were careful, trying to seem open and inviting, however failed miserably. Edward, on the other hand, his golden hues were narrowed just the slightest bit. Neither seemed incredibly comforted by my presence, and I found myself shrinking under their stares. 

“These are Nessie’s parents.” Embry said slowly. I could feel his eyes on me, burning holes into the back of my skull. 

Nessie’s ‘parents’ didn’t look much older than myself – hell, they didn’t look much older than Renesmee. “You look pretty good for …” I trailed off.

“Thirty-seven.” Bella input, her sweet voice overpowering, very much in a similar manner to Renesmee’s. “We married right out of high school.” She added quickly, looking up at her husband lovingly. 

Ugh. 

“It’s nice to meet you.” I said with a tight smile, taking Embry’s hand in mine. There was something about the couple that didn’t sit right with me – something different that stirred something inside my chest, in the very pit of my stomach. I entwined my fingers with Embry’s, keeping close to his side as I glanced back over my shoulder from my place next to my mother once we were seated. Something was definitely off with them; the current image I had with the three of them, paired with Jacob, was beyond normal. 

I happily perched on Embry’s knee, his left hand wandering from my hip and waist, to my thigh, my skin burning through my jeans. Moments like this, sitting around the table with all of my family, are what really made everything feel so real. Made Embry and his unconditional love for me real. Made my life in this town permanent. Made me believe in second chances and new beginnings. 

I watched Leah and Trenton spend the majority of the dinner in each other's ears from across the table, smiling fondly as my brother laughed loudly at whatever his date was saying. I watched Jennie and TJ share intimate looks, paired with sweet pecks of affection. 

I watched Edward and Bella stand a little behind the remainder of the group, contently filling in the dead space away from the rest of the family. I enjoyed that they understood their place, and obliged out of respect. My home was with Embry’s warm arms and warm smile, with Jacob’s boyish laugh and wit, with Jared’s incessant need for attention, with Sam and Emily’s kitchen, with Seth and Brady and Collin. With the frequent wonder of how Quil was, due to his absence. 

My mother locked eyes with me for the briefest moment, smiling wide. 

“She looks happy.” Embry noted, kissing my ear as he rubbed my arms with his massive hands. 

As desserts were passed around, I wiggled in excitement as the warm gooey chocolate cookies made their way around the table – my hips moved quickly against Embry’s. His hands gripped my waist, pulling me against him tightly to cease my movements.

“Stop moving.” He breathed quietly in my ear. 

I looked down at him over my shoulder, a coy smile gracing my lips, “What’s the matter?” I asked, rolling my hips once. 

“You’re bad.” He laughed, hugging my waist. “No dessert for you.” 

I snorted, “Yeah, okay.” My arm reached across the table, pulling a cookie from the top of the stack. I turned to look at him, watching his warm eyes as I bit into the warm chocolatey goodness. I hummed in satisfaction, offering a piece to him. 

Soon, the table had dispersed; some members left to return home, others retired into the living room. Embry and I sat comfortably in the kitchen, feasting on leftover desserts and tea biscuits, making casual conversation with Sam and Paul. 

“This was amazing.” I noted, tipping my head back to finish the remainder of my wine. “The stuffing was –”

“Fucking delicious? I know, right?” Paul melted in his chair, hands covering his bloated abdomen. 

Sam sipped on his coffee, watching as the couple that spent the evening in the corner approached carefully. “I think we’re going to head out,” Bella started, sharing a quick hug with Emily, “see you around, wolf girl.” She teased. 

Four pairs of eyes widened and cut to Bella quickly, then to me. 

“What?” I asked, suddenly feeling nervous under the weight of their stares.

Edward, who up until then had been completely silent, moved to touch his wife’s back. “You don’t know yet?” He asked me, brows pulling together in confusion. “But I thought you were his –”

“Edward,” Bella hissed suddenly, turning to face him, “not our story to tell.” 

“You know?” I asked sourly, shifting in my seat. Embry tried placing a comforting hand on my arm, which I slapped away.

Edward focused on me for a moment, before his eyes cut to Embry’s. He laughed once, shaking his head, “She really doesn’t know.” 

“Unless you’re going to be useful to me in this conversation,” I quipped, pulling my empty glass off of the table, “I think it’s time you leave.” 

We stood there, staring at each other from across the room. If he wasn’t going to blab what no one else would, I had very little interest in associating with him. All he had done was bring my anger to the surface, that shift in my core locking back into place, the heat bubbling in my veins – and I wasn’t even touching Embry. 

“You really picked yourself a keeper.” Edward stated; he was talking to Embry but was focused on me as I walked into the kitchen. “She hates us almost as much as the rest of you do.” 

Renesmee cut her eyes towards me, her gaze slightly disappointed. I stood behind the counter, cutting myself away from the rest of the group. We watched each other for a brief moment, now several more pairs of eyes wandered into the dining area. 

“Everything good, Ness?” Jacob asked lightheartedly, rubbing her shoulders. 

Renesmee looked at me and shook her head. “She hates us.” 

Jacob looked up at me and then to Embry – who sat at the table, head in his trembling hands. “She doesn’t hate you.” Jacob reassured her.

“Dad just said –” 

“Edward,” Seth began, “Embry isn’t ready –”

“She deserves to know.” Edward cut calmly, moving his cold eyes back to me. “You deserve to know.” He said again, lowering his chin to his chest. He wanted me to know. 

“That’s enough.” Embry suddenly stated firmly, standing abruptly, which sent the chair he was sitting in across the room. His frame shook with heavy breaths, trembling fists clenched at his sides, jaw taunt. His voice, however, remained controlled. “You need to leave.” 

“Dude.” Jacob started, looking towards my boyfriend with disapproving eyes. “You need to calm down.” 

“Everyday,” Jared started, plucking a cookie from the table before he retreated to his corner next to Kim. “It’s happened everyday for almost three weeks.” 

“Aw, c’mon,” Paul teased, watching Embry with a knowing smirk. “Embry hasn’t lost his temper everyday. Maybe two out of three.” 

“Go ahead. Get it out in the open.” Edward pressed, taking a step away from Bella. 

“Edward,” Jacob growled, “enough.” 

Edward shook his head, “Even Bella knew,” he hissed, looking between Jacob and Embry. “She wasn’t even an imprint and she knew. It’s not safe to keep her in the dark.” 

“We’ve got it under control.” Sam said loudly, pulling Emily away from Embry’s shaking figure. 

“Time to leave.” Embry growled angrily, feet pushing him towards Edward. 

It had been a long time since I had seen any of the men lose their temper – but I was familiar with how this scene would end. Everyone quickly moved away, and I barely just made it to Embry’s side before Seth shot up and reared me back, “No, you need to stay away.”

Jacob blocked Embry’s path, slamming into his body. 

“Jake, move.”

“No.”

Another tremor rolled down Embry’s spine. “Move, dammit!”

Jacob’s fist reared back and collided with the side of Embry’s jaw; at first, the group stood in shock, and then we were frantically scattering out of the way. Bella pulled Renesmee back, hiding behind Edward. Emily and Sam stood in the furthest corner, Kim stood behind Jared. 

I was the only one who struggled against Seth, trying to use my elbows to inflict some sort of damage (I didn’t). 

“That was incredibly stupid.” Edward remarked from behind Jacob, watching Embry slowly bring his head forward again. His fingers hastily unbuttoned his shirt, taking the fabric away from his body as he kicked his boots to the other side of the room. 

“Get Ains and Em out of the room.” Embry growled, but the voice didn’t sound like it belonged to Embry at all.

Jacob, who realized his mistake all too late, began to walk backwards through the open door to the outside with his hands raised in the air as a sort of truce. Embry definitely didn’t care for it. 

There was a loud growl, Embry’s body slamming to the ground in visible tremors and convulsions. Halfway to the floor, there was a loud ripping noise and Embry exploded. Dark gray and black fur blew out from his body, coalescing into something more than five-times his normal size - a massive, crouched shape that was ready to spring. 

The wolf’s gray muzzle wrinkled back over his teeth, and another growl rolled through his colossal chest. His warm brown orbs had been replaced with nothing but black, focused solely on Jacob’s retreating figure. In an instant, Jacob’s figure shimmied – far more gracefully than Embry’s had – and he exploded, too. 

I stood, wrapped in Seth’s firm grip, mouth ajar. 

The wolves met in the middle head-on, their angry snarls echoed like thunder off the trees behind them. 

“Stay where you are, Ainsley.” Sam ordered as he darted outside. It was hard to hear him over the roar of the fighting wolves. They were snapping and tearing at each other, their sharp teeth flashing toward each other’s throats. The Jacob-wolf seemed to have the upper hand – being visibly larger than Embry, but Embry’s current emotion had clouded his vision. His frame was easily sleeker, muscle mass much smaller than what Jacob bore on his frame. He rammed his shoulder against the grey wolf again and again, knocking him backwards into the trees nonetheless.

Despite not being in direct eyesight, I could still hear their snarls and growls as though they were right beside me, in my ear. Emily crouched beside me, hands on my arms comfortingly, “Ains, hon, breathe.” 

I hadn’t realized I had sunken to the floor; I snapped my eyes to Emily’s, seeing my reflection in her dark brown orbs. Wide eyed and terrified – I could feel my stomach roll and flip angrily. 

“You need to leave.” Emily hissed over her shoulder towards the trio of pale faces. Much to my dismay, Renesmee looked concerned. “Now! You’ve done enough!”

I leaned over Seth’s arm – who was still trying to keep me upright – and emptied the contents of my stomach onto Emily’s kitchen floor. I was moved quickly then, Seth rushing to get me upstairs to the bathroom in time before I heaved again, this time into the porcelain bowl of the toilet. 

Warm tears burned my eyes, a sob breaking through my chest. “Fuck.” I croaked, taking Seth’s hand tightly in my own as I braced the other on the side of the tub. I hated puking.

“Guess the wolf’s out of the bag.” Seth joked. 

I shot him a glare, before I felt my stomach roll again and I forced the bile to rise from my throat into the toilet. “Remind me to kill you later.” I sobbed, hanging my head over the bowl. 

I sat in the bathroom with my back pressed to the tub. They left me alone after nearly an hour of listening to me sob and kick and scream; Emily had made the executive decision to lock me in the bathroom alone so I could calm down. 

Seth had spent most of that hour trying to constrict me from lashing out against him, holding me tightly to his body. He kept whispering about keeping an open mind, how he needed me to not completely make any judgment about Embry because we needed each other. 

He was trying too hard to make sure I wasn’t going to leave Embry.

Here is what I knew:

One: My boyfriend – and my cousin – could morph into horse-sized wolves. Which likely meant others could, too.

Two: Edward and Bella definitely weren’t normal – if they were even human at all. I still didn’t like them. Three: I was absolutely terrified about what was going to happen next.

#embry call #embry call fanfic #embry call x oc #series: SAH #* mine #lee writes #twilight fanfiction #embry call imagine #embry call x reader #kiowa gordon #jacob black #paul lahote #seth clearwater #playing around with the banners .. was not vibing with the original one tbh #may or may not replace it but for now we're minimizing things

[rhysintherain]

Huh, i think I forgot to pot this when I did it, because it's still lurking in my drafts... Anyway, have it now.

Tag people to get to know them better. Tagged by @blackjackkent .

Tagging @invisible-goats , @sassyminnesotan , @solavillain , @fixomnia-scribble

Last Song: Angel's Punishment (XX version) by Lacuna Coil (because I'm back on teenage goth music, apparently)

Currently Watching: House MD. The chicken bet is now my favorite thing ever. Also re-listening to season 4(?) of the DnDnD podcast. Highly recommend.

3 Ships: Varric/Hawke form Dragon Age 2 (because chaos); Isobel/Aylin from BG3 (sure, bury your gays. Just make sure you dig them up again so they can live happily ever after); Jaheira/Rasaad from BG2 (@blackjackkent fine, you convinced me. You're not TOTALLY alone over there. Looking forward to the next chapter.)

Favorite Color: Orange. Also like dark blue (most of my gear) and dark or army green (most of my clothes).

Currently Consuming: DnDnD podcast, all things Baldur's Gate, The Magnus Protocol (which I'm behind on).

First Ship: y'all want me to remember that? It was a Long Time Ago. Melissa/Rex from Scott Westerfeld's Midnighters? Cloud/Tifa from Final Fantasy 7?

Place of Birth: Vancouver Island

Current Location: Northern British Columbia

Relationship Status: Single. Not opposed to the concept of dating, but I'm a) picky and b) not good at thinking or forming sentences around the handful of people I'm actually interested in.

Last Movie: Movies aren't my thing. They're usually too long for my attention to hold for a whole one, and hard to convince myself to go back to when I know there's only like 20 minutes left. Probably a very bad streaming service monster movie (wait, probably the latest Jeepers Creepers. Like I said, Bad.)

Currently Working On: theoretically Saints and Zealots, but I haven't done much on that lately. Some character writing for Skye (my half-elf druid) in BG3. And more practically painting and some renos on my house because it's spring and I live in a construction site.

#tag game #thanks Roz! #fandom things #i still think rasaad is lowest quality boyfriend material #(not that i don't like him. hes a great character and fun to read. but objectively the boyfriend material equivalent of like... #polyester blend denim or maybe craft felt) #but i prefer fictional relationships to be a disaster it's more fun that way

[desert-bluffs-and-me]

What the heck happened to Kevin?

-straps you in against your will- (it's long and I'm not sorry lol)

tl;dr: Kevin isn't an purely evil antagonist (at least not the entire way through the show). He did found the religion surrounding a Smiling God but no longer controls the version of it in NV. He did not found Strex. Strex did use the religion to control people and Kevin had some importance because of his standing. Kevin lies to us and himself but his tone and other things betray the truth. Charles might be good for him actually because of this??? More Kevin please.

WTNV is a great podcast because it highlights a truth about stories that people forget: protagonist just means 'the person whose point of view the story is in' and not 'the good guy'. Nor does having a protagonist who is good necessitate a continuous and obvious antagonist.

When Kevin is our protagonist we get the same unreliability we get with Cecil, but Kevin's brainwashing is overt and obvious whilst Cecil's is a subtle result of his upbringing in a conservative place like NV.

So just who is Kevin of Desert Bluffs? What are his ties to Strex? Ep.73 gives us the context we were terribly lacking during the Strex Arc.

Ep.73 - Past Kevin: “Strexcorp? That faux-friendly big business corporate monster? Don’t talk to me about them. Strexcorp is the worst. […] I actually tried to stop them from buying it! I tried very hard. I put my own body, this fragile thing, in between the Strex representatives and the entrance to the building but they forced their way past me using ethically brutal methods that left me forever physically changed."

Future Kevin: "Oh, what StrexCorp and their Smiling God did to my wonderful little town. What they did to me. I’m not myself anymore. I’m a smile, and a twitch of the wrist. It has been years, Cecil. I’ve drifted away from myself. Sometimes I am one me, and then again I am the other. What they did to the sentient heat trapped temporarily in my body."

In this episode, a Kevin before Strex has any power in my opinion doesn't have any reason to lie to Cecil about his involvement in Strex, unreliable narrator or no. He also emotes differently in the further-past, having a genuine flare of annoyance at the mention of Strex. He simply does not talk like this at all later on when Strex is in power. Something changed. And if he were lying about hating Strex to stay on Cecil's good side, why mention this? -

Ep. 73 Past Kevin: [...]You know they’ve been trying to buy the radio station? Can you imagine how awful that would be? They’d probably try to take me off the air, and replace me with someone else. Or, worse, try to change my personality completely. Oh! I would never let that happen[...]"

That is...basically what seems to have happened to him. In his 'present' form (which is really more of a recent past version of himself) during this episode when Cecil talks about Night Vale and Strex, Kevin happily talks about Strex despite Cecil again clearly not being happy about it. He shows no need to side with Cecil's opinion here because he's under Strex himself now.

As an aside, Kevin also states he's never heard of NV in the further-past whilst his recent-past self during that episode and his first appearances in the Strex Arc do know what NV is but has never been there. This is either an oversight by writers or a different Kevin or he just genuinely hadn't heard of NV then.

In the future, he once more speaks of how awful Strex was when they hurt his town and once more, in my opinion, has no reason to deny his involvement especially when he's been isolated for years and is clearly depressed and miserable and has nothing to lose.

Also, with dubious-canon, there is this from a patreon listener questions session:

Kevin:  “So I smile over and over until the version of me in the mirror stops smiling along and starts looking scared and exhausted and then sits on the edge of the tub, muttering about the life he used to have before Strex got a hold of him.”

Which could be like, a literal alternate Kevin he can see through a mirror or just Kevin pretending it's just a mirror version of himself whilst it's actually him feeling negative emotions/effects of trauma he doesn't want to admit having.

And during the podcast, there are hints that something terrible did happen in DB which could have been Strex's takeover and which Kevin (by his tone more than his words) has been negatively affected by. For the life in me I cannot remember the exact episodes to quote it, but I think they're early episodes. The gist is that he mentions an 'incident' that 'some of them never woke up from again' during which Intern Vanessa died.

All of this evidence cannot be ignored. We can say with some certainty that the Kevin we hear the most from started out as a man who was ordinary by whatever ordinary in DB ever was, and was taken in and changed by Strex.

It also can't be ignored that later episodes and It Devours! increase Kevin's involvement in both Strex and the worship of the Smiling God, at least in theory.

But some of it just never sits right with me. In particular, this quote:

Ep. 137: “The mayor and I have been close for a long time. We’ve had our ups and downs, but I think our more difficult times were back when we used to run a company together. We had some typical disagreements over who was in charge. She thought because she was the president of the company, she should have final say on all decisions. Whereas I knew that I was one of the Smiling God’s chosen prophets, and our all-loving devourer would not choose a prophet who made mistakes.”

There's...inconsistency here that I can't ignore. Lauren was promoted from executive to vice-president as of episode 49. She was never promoted to president in our timeline. Also, Kevin only states that he should have more power than her because of his Smiling God connections, not because he was actually important in the company.

But did that hold merit, or did it only hold merit to him? Lauren is not in agreement during these later All Smiles' Eve to Mudstone Abyss episodes. And why not? Just because Strex was using the Joyous Congregation to help control DB (theocracy and capitalism do go hand in hand!) doesn't mean that Kevin had any real power BUT it may have led him into thinking he did. If he really did i.e. was Strex's founder or something and they were really fighting about it, he could easily have demoted or fired her. It wouldn't have been difficult.

Strex does not mind 'disappearing people' when necessary and there's no reason we can see for Kevin to have special affection for Lauren. They have a tumultuous relationship at best. If she had no power over him, he would have always treated her with the same disposability and control he does when he runs Desert Bluffs Too.

It Devours! ch 8: “You see, our prophet Kevin found an old oak door[...]"

We never really get to see how Kevin reacted to being in the desert otherworld after Old Oak Doors. But I theorise the reason he was able to start building so fast was because he had, genuinely, already been there and brought back a religion revolving around a Smiling God with him. (The book is new though, he's been in the desert otherworld ten or more years compared to NV time which is plenty of time to write it and get it sent back).

And what about the religion surrounding a Smiling God?

The nature of the Smiling God and what it is is...difficult. Kevin mentions in All Smiles' Eve and the Mudstone Abyss that the religion has been around since he was a child. He says he's celebrated All Smiles' with his family, and that he's dreamed of creating the MSA since being little. If we're taking this as truth, then if Kevin founded the religion he founded it as a child. Or he's lying. Again.

But also there isn't just one Smiling God. It's always referred to as a Smiling God (in the podcast at least), not the. Dana sees a Smiling God which is just a vast light and it's this which is dangerously trying to get into NV through the Old Oak Doors. But also, Kevin writes about a giant centipede as if it were a Smiling God (the movements of such a creature is also observed by either Dana or Carlos, I forgot I'm sorry ;; ) but only Pastor Munn/Gordon know about Kevin's book on the centipede and believe in that version of a Smiling God.

It was genuinely not known by other congregation members, even those like Darryl who grew up with the religion and members who lived in NV previously. Kevin also once said that a Smiling God has teeth and a tongue, which neither a centipede nor a light have. Congregation members also question whether Huntokar is a Smiling God and softly admit they're not sure what a Smiling God is.

It Devours! shows us a differing interpretation of their religion from the side of Darryl and other 'ordinary' congregation members and those actually running/leading it and deciding what the regular members are and aren't allowed to know. It's clear that it's very much like a cult at that point. But was it always? The Joyous Congregation exists happily without Kevin there to guide it and even after learning the weirder and more negative aspects of it they choose which version they like the best and follow that instead. Could the religion had also started out differently? Different ideals? Different ideas of what a Smiling God was? What did Strex influence in it, if at all? Is the version followed by NV citizens before any DB interference different too?

Kevin definitely hides things to show everyone (even himself) only the best things. (That's why Charles' has the potential to be really good for him, I get that now lol). But I don't get the vibes of 'mastermind perfectly in control of himself' from the man who was too brutally honest about his hatred of pasta salad and said this:

ep. 73 'recent past' Kevin: "I remember being a real grumpster, just a grouch and a half about everything! [...] But Strex bought out my radio station, and everything changed for the better. [...] Once Strex entered my life and showed me the power of the Smiling God, why, nothing was the same for me ever again! I felt so much happier. I did terrible things. I felt so much happier! I tore and bit and growled…I felt so incredibly happy! My skin rent, blood drops on the ceiling, someone’s throat in my hand! So deliriously happy!"

And he sounds a bit delirious whilst recounting this. Kevin's tone only ever changes when experiencing something genuine and that is not often.

So what do I think? I think that WTNV is written as socio-political commentary and Kevin reflects that. He is made to represent the influences a theocratic-capitalist society has on a person. He is made to be complex, and not just 'simply evil'.

Maybe there are many Kevin's we are hearing from even when we aren't made aware of such (but this feels like a cop out) and thus many Strex's and many religions surrounding a Smiling God.

But most likely:

DB was a mirror or close enough of NV. Kevin and Cecil were very similar pre-Strex. Strex was directly established in DB. Kevin spent some time in the Desert Otherworld and either discovered people there who already worshipped/observed the vast light which is a Smiling God which exists there or founded such a group of people based on others already lost there (evidence is found by Dana of there once being a civilisation doing such worship in the desert otherworld).

He brought that knowledge back with him and despite it being incomplete/not very solid/based mostly on his own interpretations, the religion really took off in DB and either dripped a bit to NV or the NV version is what created the otherworld version when some of them got lost in the dog park and ended up there. Anyway, Kevin becomes pretty important because of this.

Strex adopted that religion, changing it to suit them as they saw fit and even adopting it's triangle symbolism into their company logo, and used it to gain more power over DB and it's citizens so they could take total control (they also canonically invented control collars...).

Strex beat down and brainwashed Kevin but kept him in his job because people already looked to him as a prophet of a Smiling God. It works like this for years, with belief in a Smiling God becoming a mandatory part of the StrexCorp regime and Kevin himself still having some influence over it. He incorrectly believed this gave him power over StrexCorp and it's employees too. He would fight with Lauren about this and she was actually the one in the right hence why she never gets reprimanded, but also why she can't get rid of Kevin without destabilising the control they have.

The Strex Arc for NV happens. Kevin is returned to the desert otherworld and does research on a giant creature he sees there and mistakes(?) it for a different form of a Smiling God. He finds a way to send this book back, and since time works differently in NV (i.e. many years have passed in the desert otherworld but not in NV) the book looks 'old-ish'. Pastor Munn only shared the book with Gordon and they change the religion subtly based on what they gleam from it. This may or may not have been Kevin's intention as it seems more like general notes or even scientific research (gasp!) than any kind of dogma.

Kevin continues to believe and insist on his own version of events, maybe even to help him through his trauma, and eventually gets to live out his fantasy of control by running Desert Bluffs Too. He has a small religious crisis during this time (canon, mentioned during the All Smiles'-Mudstone Abyss arc), likely because neither the vast light nor the centipede he assigned a Smiling God nor any other version he imaged seems to be in the desert otherworld any more. Charles enters the picture and starts to challenge Kevin's perceptions of his own importance, what is correct emotional regulation and what his religion might actually mean. He has all but forgotten Strex at this time, but is unable or unwilling to look back on those times as completely negative especially because his religion (which he very well likely founded) became so linked with the company.

More Kevin please.

#wtnv #welcome to night vale #wtnv meta #long post #wtdb #welcome to desert bluffs #kevin of desert bluffs #a smiling god #strexcorp