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jessicaloons · 8 months

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Chapter 7:

All that bloodshed, crimson clover…

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I should’ve known that Camille and I would never be friends. From day one when Charles brought her along, introducing her officially as his girlfriend. We were sitting at our table, Charles and Daniel left to get some drinks, Joris and Shima were talking away, as she scooted next to me, giving me a pretty smile when she looked around, then her expression changed.

"I know that Charles and you are like siblings, super close and whatever. But please be aware that he has now a girlfriend, so his undivided attention is on me. Not on you. And I’ve seen the little edits and posts of your so called fans… you and Charles are friends. That’s it. There is no love story behind it. So please stop being all over him, hugging him and touching him inappropriately the whole time. If that’s clear for you, I can tolerate you." she whispered it fast in my ear and before I could even say anything she smiled and gave me a side hug "I’m so excited to hear all the childhood stories you have in store from Charles!" then she laughed and I saw Charles sitting down next to her, smiling happily that his girlfriend and best friend seemingly got along pretty well. I just nodded, took the drink Daniel brought for me and jugged it down, then I grabbed his hand and dragged him onto the dance floor.

"Are you okay, Lizzie?" Daniel asked and I just nodded.

"Yeah! I just wanted to dance! So, come on! Let’s get this party started!" I answered and he just cocked an eyebrow but played along.

When the night ended and we were all sitting in the taxi back home to Charles flat I had a weird feeling in my gut. Usually I would sleep in Charles’ bed and Shima and Daniel would sleep in the guest bedroom but after Camilles little speech, it didn’t felt right. So when we arrived at his flat and I was ready for bed, I left the bathroom and grabbed a blanket from the cupboard in the hallway and snuggled into the sofa.

"What are you doing, ma belle?" Charles whispered 10 minutes later and stood in front of me "I was waiting for you and thought you got lost on your way!"

"I shouldn’t sleep in your bed anymore, Charles. You have a girlfriend now. It’s not really respectful towards her…" I mumbled and faked a yawn, eyes closed.

"I can’t let you sleep on the sofa, ma belle! That’s ridiculous! Come on!" Charles said and tried to snatch the blanket away, but I held it close to my body.

"Charles, let me sleep now! Go to bed! Good night!" I groaned and turned around, turning my back on him. I heard him leaving a minute later. And I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

"Happy Birthday, Lizzie!" Arthur yelled and hugged me close, behind him I saw Clara, his girlfriend of 5 months.

"Happy Birthday, Lizzie! Thanks for inviting me as well!" she said and we kissed cheeks.

"How couldn’t I? You’re just the sweetest and I never saw little Tutur this happy!" I said and she smiled "So, there’s the bar, try the '22' it’s the signature cocktail for tonight!" she nodded and followed Arthur towards the bar.

Next arrived Joris and Riccardo, both almost screaming their 'Happy Birthdays'. Lorenzo arrived with Pierre, right after Jamie and Jessica. I looked over and saw Daniel and Shima talking with Joris. Julia and Andrea sitting in a corner, both pregnant and exchanging the newest mum gossip. I talked to everyone, dancing a little but couldn’t stop myself from checking the clock and the entrance every couple of seconds. No sign of Charles. My heart got heavy. I was just about to get a drink when Charles arrived, alone.

"Happy Birthday, Lizzie." he said and hugged me only for a second then let go of me.

"Thanks Charlie, are you okay?" I asked him and he just nodded.

"Yeah sure, I just need a drink." he answered and with that he was gone, off to the bar.

I didn’t see Charles much the whole evening, after an hour or so Camille walked in with 2 of her friends, not even acknowledging me. As Andrea and Shima brought in my cake and everyone sang 'Happy Birthday' for me I looked around, searching for Charles, it was a tradition by now that we were fighting each other to blow out each others candles on our birthdays but he was standing in a corner, talking with Camille, not even singing. My heart stung and I felt tears in the corners of my eyes but I smiled even wider and pretended it’s because they were all singing for me, then I blew out my candles. As I opened my eyes, I made eye contact with Charles who looked at me for a second, then he looked at Camille who said something to him and he just nodded. After that she dragged him away. Worst birthday ever.

"Where’s Charles?" I asked Camille as she stood at the door with her 2 friends who only looked at me once and then walked off.

"He’s getting the car, we’re leaving. I’m feeling not that good." she just said and with that I only nodded.

"Then get well soon, Camille. Take care." I said and walked away, straight into Joris who pulled me into his side.

"If they don’t want to celebrate, more to party for us, right?" he tried to cheer me up and I smiled at him, tears threatening to fall.

"Thanks Jo." I whispered as he kissed my temple and together we walked on the dance floor.

"So what does that mean?" Charles asked and I just shrugged my shoulders as I was adjusting the mask and dropping some chips in our shopping cart "It‘s decided? You’re definitely not racing?"

"Nope, the WSeries generates not enough money to compensate for all the special guidelines and protocols that have to be followed." I sighed and he only shook his head, as Camille stepped in front of us.

"Bae? What takes you so long? Come on! We have so much to do!" her voice is loud and shrill and I’m for once happy that I have to wear a mask as I grimaced at the way she called him ‚Bae‘ and how her ring clad fingers clasped around his bizeps.

"Oh Lizzie, I hope you don’t mind, I asked Joris if you could stay tonight at his place. Charles and I want some time alone… you know it’s a bit crowded with all 3 of us at our flat!" her voice is sweet like honey as she almost whispered it to me, Charles ahead of us pushing the cart as she walked next to me.

"Yeah, sure. Have fun in your flat." I answer and put a lot of emphasis on the your, then I walked away.

I tried it with her, more than once. But whenever I tried to approach her, be nice to her, talk to her, she always showed me that she’s not interested in any kind of friendship. She and her friends told me more than once that I’m only a friend of Charles’ and that she is his main focus. In front of everyone else, especially Charles, she played the sweet girlfriend who’s oh so nice to me, but the ugly truth was: she hated me. And she made it her goal to show me just how much.

"She called it ‚our‘ flat, Jo! OUR FLAT!" I vented and Joris just shook his head, downing his glass "There are so many sweet girls out there, why her?"

"Oh Lizzie, come on you know the answer…" Joris mumbled and I looked at him confused "Nevermind… Camille kicked you out of HIS flat because they want some time alone? She’s such a liar!"

"What do you mean?" I sat up and looked at him "Spill the tea, Trouche!"

"He sent me a text a couple of minutes ago, she must’ve told him a lie…" Joris began and started to look through his phone "Here…"

"Oh wow, clever… but wait? Why did you let me stay here? What did she tell you?" I asked him and he shrugged his shoulders.

"You looked like a lost puppy, you had booze and food…" he answered and I snorted.

"So I stood in front of your door and you just let me camp out here not even questioning me what I’m doing here? Just accepting it?" he nods and I hug him "I think I like you even more than Charles!"

"Oh Lizzie, we both know that’s not true… but thanks for saying it anyway!" we both laughed "What are we watching?"

"The downfall of my career? Is that a movie?" I asked and Joris chuckled.

"No, but I just remember, have you read the news article about you? From earlier today?" Joris asked and I shook my head "It’s on BBC sports, wait I have it open on my iPad." he got up and returned a moment later with his iPad "I really hope that it will help you to get a seat!" he handed me his iPad and I started reading.

"He is so right! I really hope it opens some eyes!" Joris said as I locked the screen "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it’s just… it’s the first time a serious and big broadcaster supports me so openly! I mean yeah sure, Sky and Co. always supported me, but they never talked about the… what did he write… injustice. They just said that I would deserve a seat but that’s it. I want to thank him. How do I do that?" I said and Joris looked through the website.

"There is a contact mail address so maybe you could send an e-mail? Or check if he has Insta?" he said and I nodded. I had to thank Andrew Benson. He was the first male journalist who tackled this issue. And he wasn’t just a journalist, he was the chief F1 writer for the BBC. His opinion would be taken serious. And that was something that I really appreciated.

"…she’s just so annoying! Why can’t she just stay in stupid Germany and drink beer and look like a bulky, fat bitch on her own. Yeah she gained so much weight over this break!Why does she always have to hang around Charles! And why is she always hugging him? Ugh I hate it! He can’t focus on his career if he always has to think about what happens with hers! He’s way to good for her, for this world!" Camille talked on the phone on the balcony as I came back from my morning run.

I quietly made my way into the guest bed room, took out my MacBook and booked the next flight from Nice to Stuttgart. In 4 hours was the departure. There were two things she was right about, as much as I hated to admit it, Charles needed to focus on his own career now and not what happens to mine, and she was also right when it came to my body, since I knew there wouldn’t be a season to drive in this year I hadn’t been super strict with my diet and also skipped one or two work out sessions. I just didn‘t thought someone would notice. Apparently I was wrong. So when I wanted to jump under the shower I took a good look in the mirror, she was more than right, I was getting bulky. I pinched the excess fat on my stomach, I sighed. I had to lose some weight, that’s for sure. With that I showered and dressed up as Charles walked into the room.

"So I was thinking we could… what are you doing?" he looked confused.

"I need to sort out what I’m doing now. I can’t just sit around, doing nothing!" I mumbled and grabbed my suitcase and opened it up.

"You sure you don’t want to stay a little longer?" Charles asked as I threw my stuff into my suitcase.

"No, Charles, it’s alright. I have to figure out what I’m doing this season and you have to start preparing for the new season and well you have…" I answered and Charles looked at me.

"What do I have?" he asked and raised an eyebrow.

"Doesn’t matter." I mumbled but Charles tucked at my wrist and made me look up to him.

"You have Camille, Charles. You should spend your time with her." I said bluntly and continued to throw my stuff into my suitcase.

"Yeah sure, she’s here sometimes, but she’s not you? And I want to spend my time with you…" he began but I clapped my hands and interrupted him.

"All done." I said and Charles just shook his head.

"You and Camille? Is there like… I don’t know, don’t you like her?" he asked and I turned away to grab my backpack.

"No, she’s nice. I’m happy for you. I don’t know, we kinda didn’t have the biggest chance to get to know each other that much, but that’s fine. She makes you happy, right? And as long as you’re happy, I’m happy!" I lied and shoved my phone into my backpack "We’ll talk later, ok? I gotta get going if I want to catch my flight!"

"You’ll be in Austria, right?" he asked and I nodded.

"Of course, Charles!" I answered and with that I hugged him, before I gave him a kiss on his cheek I stopped myself, Camilles words in the back of my mind. Charles seemed to notice my hesitation and hugged me tighter before kissing my temple.

"You know that I love you, right? No matter what?" he whispered and I could feel my throat closing up, tears stinging in my eyes. I swallowed hard and nodded.

"Sure. I love you too, Charles." I whispered back and with that I pushed myself off of him and turned around to grab my backpack and suitcase. As I got into the taxi and Charles waved me goodbye, I could feel the tears streaming down my face.

14. June 2020:

"I think you should tell Charles how she is towards you? I mean, she’s so sweet and nice! But when I heard how she talked to you?" Julia said and I just shook my head.

"He loves her, Julia. And she’s making him happy… so if that is how it is, then I’ll have to accept it." I replied and she just shrugged.

"I don’t know, Liz… maybe she is a good girlfriend to Charles, but if he knew how she’s with you? He would break up in no time!" Julia said and I shook my head.

"He’s happy, so I am too. I can take whatever she has in store for me." I answered and with that the topic was done.

"You haven’t eaten much? I thought that’s your favourite cake?" Julia asked then, glancing down at my plate, cake barely eaten.

"Stomach bug…" I said and she raised an eyebrow.

"Okay?" she looked not really convinced.

"I need to stay in shape." I sighed and Julia nodded slightly.

"Hmm ok…" she said and looked at me for a while.

Julia walked me outside, I glanced one last time at little Alex and waved Julia’s mum before we walked to my car.

"Did they made a decision yet, about next season?" Julia asked and I shook my head, watching the neighbour kids play with their football on the lawn.

"No, not yet. They say we will start next year with another season, but yeah we will see how it plays out." I answered.

"I don’t get why they won’t do this season? F1 starts next month, right?" she asked and as I nod she scoffs, I stood in front of my car and sighed.

"Yeah well, it is what it is." I shrugged and then I heard a loud engine roaring, coming our way and I turned and looked at the street, right in front of me the huge traffic sign with a circled 30, a black Mercedes with it’s blasting engine coming closer.

I turned to Julia as I saw the football of the neighbour kids rolling on the street, the younger boy running after it, not looking for cars or anything. The driver of the Mercedes was not slowing down at all, so I had to act fast and ran to grab the little boy, but in a split second the car was in front of us and I had no other choice, I scooped him up, turned my back to the car and braced myself for the impact. I closed my eyes and encased the boy in my arms, trying to shield him as good as I could. I felt a shock wave going through my body, all feelings were gone, only weightlessness and silence left. Then it changed and I heard the faint whimpering of the boy. Then another shock wave and the pain erupted through every fibre of my body. I felt myself moving and opened my eyes, but I only saw blurred outlines. With my body still moving, it felt like I was skidding across the tarmac. Then the underground changed into something more soft and my body came to a halt. I laid on my back, the trembling boy on my chest crying. I took a painful deep breath and opened my eyes.

“Are you okay? Little one?” I whispered breathlessly and he slowly turned his head up and looked at me “Can you carefully move your legs for me? And then your arms? Good job, buddy. It’s going to be okay!”

I heard the blood rushing in my ears. The throbbing pain in my head was getting worse. I felt how my hair was getting wet, some liquid trickling down the side of my head into my neck. My limbs started hurting like they were crushed. Breathing shallow, lungs feeling like they were on fire. Somewhere far away I heard someone screaming my name, my hands slipped from the boys back as I turned my head to the right. I saw the green grass around us turning redder and redder, stained with my blood, I focused on the clover, crimson droplets on the four leafs, then everything turned black.

Charles POV:

It was all over the news, even a video of it was on TikTok. I drummed with my fingers on the steering wheel, driving faster than allowed. The image of her petite frame flying through the air, skidding over the tarmac, her body on the blood soaked grass, the paramedics leaning over her lifeless body, reanimating her. It all kept playing in a loop inside of my head. I couldn’t lose her. She couldn’t be gone. I couldn’t live without her. It just was not possible.

"How is she?" my first words as I stormed into the waiting area but as I saw the look on their faces my world began to crumble, my vision getting blurry. Someone helped me sit down, but I couldn’t see who.

"She’s still in surgery. We have to wait now and have faith."

She was still in surgery? It happened almost 12 hours ago.

She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, as if she was sleeping, if it wasn’t for the tube, the cords and wires attached to her body, the bruises on her face, the bandages covering most of her body, a cast on her left hand and right leg. I held her cold hand, tracing patterns on the back of it, like I did so many times before, only this time her cheeks aren’t turning red, she’s not giggling and giving me that look that made all my insides melt. No, she felt cold, as if she wasn’t here. Her presence gone, every room she entered always lit up because of her, but I sat in a dark hospital room, sterile walls, sterile sheets, machines beeping, screens illuminating the space between us, the smell of disinfectant in the air. The last time I sat in a room like this was Dads and she was the one guiding me through it, shining like a beacon of hope. But she wasn’t here to do it again. And I had no idea how I would survive this without her. I could feel hot tears stinging in the corner of my eyes. This time I had to be the strong one, for the both of us, but how? How, when everyone I loved only left me alone? How when the only one who ever got through to me, was the one I needed to be strong for. My breathing ragged and my chest hurt when I felt a hand on my shoulder and I flinched.

"Charles? When was the last time you slept?" Marina asked quietly and I looked up, trying to stable my breathing again.

"I don’t know, when you called I got straight into the car and drove here? Since when am I here?" I am confused, my brain still lacking oxygen as I followed her look on the clock.

"Almost 24 hours! Charles, go home, have a nice shower, sleep and then come back in the morning?" she said it gently but one look in her face and I know there’s no point in arguing "Sissy is at home. It’s good for her and Liam, when they’re not alone."

I got up and hugged her tight. Then I kissed Lizzie on the forehead and left.

I stood in front of her bed, it’s unmade, typical Lizzie, 3 books in it, 2 more on her nightstand and a whole stack of books next to it. I walk to her closet where some of my clothes were stored. As I picked up the clothes I turned around and left the room and went to shower. I dressed up and left the bathroom as I saw a shadow in Lizzies door, I quietly walked around the corner and looked inside her room.

Liam climbed into her bed and snuggled Lizzie’s favourite pillow. A rainbow I won at a fair a couple of years ago for her. I quietly walked in and Liam looked at me with his big, bright blue eyes that reminded me so much of her, although Lizzie’s eyes were darker, more grey, but they were equally big and they both mastered the puppy eyes.

"Hey Buddy, what are you doing?" I sat down next to him and he crawled into my lap, hiding his face in my chest, Lizzie’s rainbow still pressed tight to his body.

"Miss her." he whispered "She reads bedtime story better than Mama…" he sobbed quietly and I hugged him tight to my chest.

"I miss her too, Buddy." I answer and could feel my shirt dampen from Liams tears.

"When Mama made fruit snack a man on the screen said that Lizzie is in crit- crit-tital coniton?" he mumbled and I held my breath "What’s that? Opa said Lizzie sleeps suuuper deep!"

"Yeah, she does, she’s super exhausted from saving that little boy, so her body needs a lot of rest, that’s why she’s sleeping suuuper deep!" I answer, although I felt my throat closing up.

"Poke her to wake up!" Liam sits up and looks at me, tear smeared face, red eyes and nose.

"That’s not so easy, Liam. We need to give her time! And then we will maybe poke her and wake her up, okay?" I said and he sighed loudly.

"OK, but I sleeps here! Smells like her!" he whispered and snuggled again back into my arms. I smiled and laid down, sending Sissy a text that Liam’s with me, after a moment my phone buzzes and she texts back,wishing us a good nights rest. I saw a text from Camille, one of a dozen she already sent me since I was here, asking when I would be back in Monaco. But I ignored it, like I ignored the other ones. For now I had to stay here.

Leaving her did not feel good, although I had to go back to Maranello for some last pre season tests, I dreaded it.

"We‘ll call you as soon as something new comes up, Charles. She would be mad if you would miss the season opener because of her, you know that!" Juergen said and I just sighed.

"Yeah, I know, she would rip my head off." I answer with a faint smile and he just nodded, before he pulled me into a hug.

"Go and make her proud!" now I just nodded and left the hospital, then I drove back home to say goodbye to Marina, Liam and Sissy.

"I’ll be back here as soon as I can, ok Buddy?" I said as I hugged him tight to my body.

"Careful on track! I don’t want you to sleep deep like Lizzie!" he whispered and I swallowed hard.

"I’ll take care, Buddy! I promise!" I answered and sat him down, then I hugged Sissy and Marina goodbye and walked up to my car. I got in, backed out of the driveway and waved one last time before I headed back to Maranello, where I was until 5 days ago.

"It’s really a shame, she’s so young!" a woman’s voice.

"I googled her, she’s a racing driver and a pretty good one as well!" another woman‘s voice.

“So she’s an athlete? God no! She will hate to adjust to a life where she practically can’t do anything athletic at all…” the first one again.

“To adjust to this new life she has to wake up first… and Dr. Friese said she most likely won’t.”

“Such a young, pretty girl. It’s really a shame.”

I could open my eyes just a crack, it was a dark room, illuminated by some screens, all loud beeping. I tried to move, but my body didn’t react. I tried to say something, but again, my body didn’t react. I started to panic and everything turned dark again.

“So what are you saying?” Dad.

“It’s been now almost 14 days, her brain showed little to no brain activity.” a male voice, probably a Doctor.

Again I could open my eyes just a crack. It’s bright in the room. The frames of Mum and Dad standing at the foot of my bed, 2 men in white opposite them.

“Is there any chance that the brain activity will increase?” Mum. Broken voice.

“I want to be honest with you, Mr. and Mr. Doetterer. The chance of your daughter waking up is less than 5 %. But even if she wakes up, she’ll be bound to machines and be bedridden. In a comatose state. I know your daughter is a very active person, her body is besides the damage brought through the accident in great shape. Some nutrients are missing a little, but as she’s a vegetarian it’s no wonder, but still really, really good” the other Doctor.

“What do you suggest?” Dad again. His voice sounded almost mechanic.

“We would advise to stop the life support. And given the excellent health of your daughter, you should consider to donate her organs. I know this sounds cruel, but with every day passing the condition of her organs gets worse and…” the first Doctor.

“I think Mr. and Mrs. Doetterer understood, why don’t you go ahead and look for the next patient?” the other one said, and the first doctor left “I’ll leave you alone. If you need anything, just push the button. I’m really sorry.”

Mum sat down on the chair to my right, I could barely saw her taking my hand, but I couldn’t feel her touch.

“Hey my pretty girl.” she whispered, tears in her eyes.

I tried to open my eyes wider, move my head, wiggle my fingers, just anything to sign them that I was still there. But my body betrayed me. The little light and sight my eyes granted me began to fade.

“My little owl, Lizzie! Please! If you’re somewhere in there, just give us a sign! Anything!” Dads voice is raw and gravelly.

I drifted off into darkness, I tried to fight it, screaming, crying, nothing happened. Silence.

“I think they will pull the plug. I mean, what else can they do?”

“Nothing, that’s the sad thing. At least her organs will safe some lifes!”

“Yeah, but because of the accident, they can’t use her lungs and spleen. Really a shame.”

“Do you know how long she’s got left?”

“The doctors try to talk to the family tomorrow, after that? A day? Two?”

“Mhhh poor girl.”

“Yes, indeed.”

My eyes a crack open in silence. Bright lights in the room. Beeping of the machines.

A door opened. Mum, Dad and the older Doctor. Mum and Dad sat down to each of my sites.

“We will need some time to prepare anyways, for the organ removal. Take your time, let everyone say their goodbyes.” He left.

“Sissy and Marcus could come today, but what about Liam and Benji? I don’t want them to see her like that?” Mums voice wavered.

My two little babies. No, I don’t want their last memory of me be like this, bedridden, tube, cables and cords covering my body. They should remember me as their aunt who always played with them, ran around and always made them laugh.

“They have to say goodbye. See her one last time.” Dad sounded mechanic again.

“Okay, then Omi later as well. Tomorrow Daniel, Shima, Andrea and Julia?” Mum again.

“What about…” Dad stopped.

“He would want to come, they all would want it, but Juergen is it a good idea? He’s been through so much already! Another loss?” Mum sounded exhausted.

“He will lose her anyways. We all will. But if we don’t give him the chance to say good bye? We can’t do that Marina! Charles would never forgive us!” Dad as well.

Then it dawned on me what he just said. Charles. No. No. No. No. Not Charles.

“But his season starts this weekend! Do you really think it’s a good idea? Him seeing her like that? And then get in the car?” Mums voice was only a whisper.

NO! He can’t see me like this! It will remind him too much of Jules. He can’t see me like this! Not him! I won’t be there to get him through another loss! No! It’s not possible. And then him driving this weekend? No! Not Charles!

“I’ll call him, I’ll explain everything and then he can decide.” Dad got up.

My mind was doing somersaults. He can’t make that call. I had to do something. Anything. Come on Lizzie. I tried to scream. As loud as I could. Tried thrashing around, sending signals through my body with just my mind. And then…

“Did you see that?” Mum is shocked.

“See? Did you hear that?” Dad was next to me in an instant “Lizzie! If you can hear me just give me a sign! Anything!”

I screamed again. Started coughing. Something was in my way.

“She’s fighting the tube!” Mum pushed the call button, no she punched it and the door opened.

“Any more questions?” the younger Doctor again, his face went through multiple emotions when he saw me fighting the tube that was down my throat, my eyes blinking, body shaking “How is that even possible?”

“She’s exhausted buddy, be careful! Don’t wake her up.” Charles’ voice was soft.

“Wanna hug her! Now!” Liam.

My mind was playing cruel tricks on me. Charles voice, together with Liam, or were they here to say their final goodbyes? That’s what Mum and Dad talked about with the doctors right? And as soon as everyone said goodbye that was it. My life would end, just by pushing some buttons. Should I be calm? Or scared? What are you supposed to feel in the moments before your death? And where are the memories of my life that should be flashing before my eyes? I slowly opened them and looked around, my room was full of flowers, Mum and Dad talked to the doctors outside the room. Sissy filled up a cup with water and stood at my left. Charles sat in the chair on my right, Liam in his lap.

“Hey Bubba! Come here! I want the biggest hug you have!” I said with a raspy voice and Charles flinched.

“You’re awake!” he exclaimed and I nodded slowly.

“I am and now I want my hug!”

He carefully lifted Liam next to me, who hugged me slowly, gave me a kiss on the cheek and then snuggled next to me in bed.

“Oh ma belle, I was so scared….” Charles whispered and kissed my forehead, eyes teary.

“We all were!” Dad walked in and he looked as bad as I felt, maybe worse. Guilt in his eyes.

Charles moved aside and Dad gave me a gentle hug and kissed my cheek, Mum followed shortly after.

“Oh my pretty, pretty girl!” she whispered and a tear escaped her eyes, eyes with the same guilt in them like Dads.

The doctor stepped inside my room and stood at the foot of my bed and looked at me.

“Hello Lizzie, I’m Dr. Friese, one of your doctors here. How do you feel? Any headaches? Dizziness? Nausea?” I shook my head and he smiled, ticking something off on my record. “So, can you tell me, what is the last thing you can remember?”

You deciding to pull the plug on me.

I swallow and looked at Mum and Dad. I already knew that they felt horrible, thinking like they’ve almost killed me, they didn’t have to know that I knew about it.

“A lot of blood on a really nice and soft lawn.” I answered and the doctor smiled, then I remembered the little boy “Wait! The little boy? What happened to him?”

“Luka Maier, had a light whiplash, some bruises, a broken wrist and a broken foot. But nothing severe, only minor injuries, he left the hospital 10 days ago. Oh and this is for you!” Dr. Friese said and handed me a drawing of a girl in a racing suit and helmet, with wings and a halo, standing next to a race car. In the right corner a little message:

Dear Lizzie, thank you for being my guardian angel and saving my life! As soon as you wake up, I hope I can give you a hug! A big one! My Mama and Papa are saying that you are a real super hero!

Thank you! Luka!

I smiled at the drawing and handed it to my sister, she put it in the drawer of the bedside table, then she took my hand and kissed the back of it. I smiled at her and she only nodded, I turned back to the doctor.

“So? How fast can I get out of here? And when can I get back in my car?” I asked and was met with silence.

“Lizzie, I’m afraid I have to tell you, that you are paralysed from your waist down. When and if the paralysis will go away is at the given time impossible to determine.” Dr. Friese looked sad as he nodded to my parents and left the room.

Liam started to squirm and Sissy scooped him up, she excused herself and said she would walk around a bit with him, then she left. I coughed, my mouth dryer as any desert. Mum took the cup of water from the night stand and handed it to me, I took it and jugged the whole cup down.

“Lizzie, listen, for now this sounds bad, but, the accident is little over 3 weeks ago. There is a lot of swelling. Give it some time and rest, then we’ll see.” Dad said and Mum nodded agreeing. I nodded as well.

“Yeah! Sure! I mean, you’re right!” I said and smiled. Mum and Dad looked relieved “ Can I eat? Like normal stuff? Or not so good?”

“We will get you something! We’re so happy your appetite is back!” they shuffled out of the room and it was only Charles left.

“How was the first race?” I asked him.

“It was good.” he replied and sat down at the edge of my bed, taking my hand in his.

“What does that mean? Did you win? Podium?” I laughed.

“P2. And now tell me what’s really going on in that pretty head of yours?” he sighed and rubbed circles around my wrist.

“If the swelling will be gone and I end up being really paralysed, Charles, I can’t do that!” I whispered and Charles looked at me.

“Ma belle, listen to me. Every step of the way, I’ll help you as much as I can! We all will! You’ll never be alone in this! I promise!” he said and smiled at me encouraging.

“But if I’m paralysed, what am I supposed to do?" I whispered and he shook his head.

"We will find a way! But for now, can we just be happy that you’re alive? I was so scared of losing you!" he said and his voice broke and he took a deep breath "The way you lay here, all cold, not moving, lifeless… and- and god I had all these flashbacks to Jules. And dad."

"I’m sorry, Charles…" I whispered and he shook his head.

"Stop! Don’t you dare apologise for what this asshole did!" he hugged me carefully and sighed into my neck "God Lizzie, I’m so happy your awake! I just.. I couldn’t think of a life without you! I was so scared to never hold you in my arms again, to never talk to you again!"

"I’m here! I’m okay… well kinda." I said quietly and Charles nodded.

"Whatever’s gonna happen from now on, you’ll never be alone!" he said and I smiled.

"I know Charlie bear!"

————————————————————————

Little Note:

That's it, chapter 7 is out - well… tough one. Writing it wasn’t the easiest, that’s for sure!

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts! I'm open to any criticism, bad or good, it doesn't matter!

If you want to be added to the taglist, drop a comment!

Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos

All pictures (besides the drawing 😂) are from Google, Pinterest, Instagram, etc.

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amoraffairs · 2 years

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𝐀 𝐏𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬’ 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐮𝐬 𝐋𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐧

summary: remus is unsure of whether to call you, but with encouragement from james ,sirius & mostly belle, he decides to call you.

notes: i wrote this supper fast & it’s super short. it’s basically setting up y/n & remus’s relationship. I love writing for them more than i thought I would.

part one

“Cmon Daddy, We’re late” Belle says tugging Remus hand. “We wouldn’t of been if you didn’t run of” He jokes. Belle just simply continues to pull him forward.

The father daughter duo make their way in the Potter. Belle shouting a Happy Birthday & then a demand for cake.

“Well we were waiting for you missy” Sirius says resulting in Belle sticking her young at him. Sirius shrugs innocently as he ignores Remus’ glare. Remus knowing she learned that from Sirius.

“I’m sorry Unca Siri, for being late.” Belle says repeating the words she practiced in the car with Remus.

“My favorite niece can be as late as she want.” James says picking her up & spinning her around. Belle letting out childish giggles.

“Well your favorite niece, got lost in the store today.”Belle let’s out a gasp, that he told on her.

“It’s cause I saw Unca Jamie in the store, we’ll not Unca Jamie. I thought it was you. She had the same hat as you & wore your glasses.” Belle defends.

“She’s my best friend now. She’s really pretty. Daddy thinks so too.”

“Ohh he does” James says rising her eyebrows at Remus. All stares were on him. Remus rolls his eyes at his friends actions.

“Yeah, & she gave me her number so we can hangout. Daddy is holding it for me.” Instantly his revived knowing looks from both Sirius & James.

“So when is Dad going he going to call him.” James asks Belle. “Right now!” She shouts excitedly.

“Belle, Im starting to think you like her more than me.” Sirius says in mock offensive.

“Ye—�� Belle starts to say but James covers her mouth. “She says I’m a real princess unlike you Unca Siri” Belle says her arms crossing over each other in annoyance.

“I said it one time & I was joking.” Sirius defends.

“Ok, you two. You need to separate before it gets ugly. Hey Belle, you want to help Lily get the cake.” James says & Belle runs to this kitchen excited for cake.

“So Moony you going to call her.” James asks a teasing tone in his voice. “Don’t start.”Remus says.

“Cmon Moony, what’s there to think about. You haven’t gone on a date since ‘she who must not be named’ left.” Sirius tells him, his words carefully.

Remus winces, physical winces. The subject of Belle’s mother was still tough for him. She left when Belle was one, only leaving a note.

“I don’t know.”Remus shrugs. “What’s the harm in just calling her. Let Belle have her play date & get to know her.” James compromises.

“Maybe..” Remus starts by is interrupted by the sound of happy birthday, as cake came.

You sit in your small bedroom apartment. The sound of your phone ringing draws you out of the book you were reading.

“Hi is this Y/N. I’m Remus from the store with my daughter—“ You hear Remus start to say but not before another voice interrupting him.

“Is that Y/N. Let me talk to her. Please. Can I talk to her please.” You recognize the voice as Belle & you smile at the thought she really wants to talk to you.

“Hold on bug.” You hear Remus tell her. “Hi, Remus” You finally tell him.

“Belle was wondering if you’d want to hang out with her-“ “tomorrow” “Bug tomorrow too short notice, how about in a week—“

“I could do tomorrow” You say hoping to stop an argument. You hear a cheer from the phone. Belle’s voice.

“Great. Belle want to show you her castle, she made. Is one at our house ok.” Remus tells you.

“It’s perfect” “I’ll send you the directions” You hang up, with a smile on your face.

You know on the door of the Lupin house.

“It’s Y/N. I’ll get it.” “Belle don’t open the door without knowing who it is” You hear the father duo from inside the house.

“Y/N is it you” Belle shouts on the other side of the door. Once you say yes, the door opens.

The door opens to reveal Belle. She’s in another yellow dress. This time a replica of the cartoon princess Belle.

She runs up to hug you & you lift her up so you are carrying her. “How are you, princess.”

Remus runs up to the door in an attempt to stop belle from opening the door, only to be too late.

“I asked who it was this time,Daddy” Belle says in attempt to defend my self.

Remus eyes meet yours. “Hi Y/N” You give me a smile in return.

“Come look at my castle. Daddy made it for me because I passed my test.” Belle tells you jumping down from your hold & running into the house. In an attempt to get her Castle ready.

Remus invites you in the home, & you wait in the Lupin living room. Given strict instructions from the five year old not to look yet.

“I never properly thanked you for finding Belle. I couldn’t imagine if you weren’t there.” Full sincerity in his voice.

“Technically she found me.” You both let out a laugh.

“You read?” You ask pointing to the bookshelf stuffed with books.

“Yeah, but as much as would like to recently.” You let out a knowing nod. “I’ve been halfway through the Bell Jar for weeks.”

“If you ever need a new book, you can borrow any of mine.” Remus shyly says.

“I might take you up on that offer, you practically have a whole library.” Remus lets out a genuine laugh. Remus goes to say something before Belle’s voice interrupts him.

“Come look at my Castle Y/N. You can come live it it too.” Belle says appearing next to you, dragging you toward her room.

Remus smiles at your retreating figure. Maybe Sirius & James were right.

#remus & belle #belle lupin #dad!remus lupin #dad!remus lupin x reader #remus lupin x fem!reader #remus lupin x y/n #remus lupin fluff #remus lupin x you #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin #remus fluff #marauders fanfiction #marauders x reader

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scotianostra · 6 months

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Happy Birthday Scottish actor John (Hunter) Bell born 20th October 1997 in Paisley.

John got his first break in acting when he was eight years old through a Blue Peter competition to be in Doctor Who. He was a huge Doctor Who fan at the time and was doing drama classes, so when his parents heard about the competition, they entered him and he ended up winning. fellow Paisley actor David Tennant! And before anyone corrects me I know Tennant was born in Bathgate, but he moved to Paisley and was educated there!

Without that part in Doctor Who, John says he may not have pursued acting as a career. In fact, he nearly gave up on it altogether as a teenager.

In March 2008, he was the lead singing boy in a promotional trailer for the BBC 1 talent show ‘I’d Do Anything’, since then he has had some great acting roles, the most high profile must have been when he portrayed Bain, son of Bard the Bowman in two of the three epic Hobbit films. He also put in an appearance as Young Spud in T2 Trainspotting.

His TV work, for a 25 year old, is quite extensive, as well as Dr Who other shows have included Life of Riley, Tracey Beaker Returns, Hatfield & McCoys and Into the Badlands.

Of course young John is arguably most well known to the audience of the hit Starz show Outlander.

From season three onward he has been a recurring character, Jamie’s nephew, i.e “Young” Ian Murray, I enjoyed seeing him return to the fold, complete with Mohawk in the last season of the show.

In January 2022 John began his theatrical career in the a one-man show, The Night Larry Kramer Kissed Me at Wimbledons New Theatre. John commented at the time;

“It was an opportunity to play somebody gay, and I’d never done that before in my career, even though I am gay. On Outlander, I’m playing a straight character, a guy who’s very different to me, so it was nice".

Of the latest season of Outlander John says

'Young Ian’s journey up to this point through the whole season, we’re really arriving at him fully developed. He’s not so young anymore. He’s fallen in love with America, with this land of opportunity and endless possibilities. He’s a passionate, loyal person, and he gets that from his uncle and his aunt. So of course, he is in for a penny, in for a pound in this fight and wants to give it his all. It’s very exciting. We’re gonna get to see a lot of warrior Ian again..... '

#scotland #scottish #paisley #Actor #television #theatre #Outlander #Happy Birthday

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buckysimp101 · 1 year

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Everything the Light Touches (18+) - Chapter Fifteen

Mafia!Bucky x F!Reader

chapter warnings: a lil tension, angst, language, threat of violence (the threat is dark too tbh. And it’s the bold & italicized part btw)

a/n: HAPPY NEW YEAR Y’ALL! I figured we’d start 2023 off with a lovely little chapter of ETLT! I am so so sorry it has been so long since my last update but life has been crazy between work, my birthday, the holidays and trying to figure out where my family is living in the next month (we figured it out btw)! But craziness aside, thank you all for sticking with me! I hope this chapter tides you over for a bit!

Series Masterlist

WARNING! WARNING! BRAIN EXPLOSION INCOMING. SELF DESTRUCT IN THREE…TWO…ONE!

Bucky Barnes could not get his brain to calm down. Alarm bells were going off and he was barely able to pay attention to the words coming out of your mouth as you talked to his parents. You’d called him Jamie. For the first time in a decade. And while a small part of his brain was telling him that was a good thing and that it meant more than you’d let on, judging by the slight look of bewilderment in your eyes after speaking it, a small part of his brain couldn’t help but remind him that he 100% was not worthy of that nickname. At least not yet. It wasn’t long into that self-reflection that he managed to hear a throat clear from across the room that pulled him out of his thoughts. At some point you’d all taken seats and everyone was staring at him expectantly, Winnie and George’s faces equally concerned while you pinned him with a raised brow. He’d been so caught up in the revelation of you calling him Jamie that he’d completely zoned out of the conversation.

Way to go idiot, you definitely don’t deserve to be called Jamie. Look at you. You can’t even pay fucking attention.

Shaking his head to rid himself of the thoughts Bucky cleared his own throat and timidly spoke, “sorry, I missed that, what was the question?”

You huffed out a laugh that you covered with a cough, avoiding his eyes as George raised his brow in turn and began to speak.

“Y/N was just telling us how she was in on the plan to tell everyone at The Underworld, and that the two of you went on knowing what you were doing and that this was how you wanted to break the news to the city. I was just asking you, if that was true?”

Bucky’s eyes darted towards you and he noted the serious look in your eyes and the almost imperceptible nod of your head telling him to go with it, so he nodded his own and responded, “that’s right. We wanted to make a statement and we figured, well, we figured this was the best way.”

George looked at his son carefully with slightly squinted eyes as if he was trying to read Bucky’s mind but he must have been somewhat pleased with the answer because he sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair rubbing his head with his hand.

“Well, the two of you made a statement that’s for sure. I doubt that it will take very long before Pierce, Stinson and the L/N’s find out about it and want blood.”

Bucky noticed your breathing stutter and your eyes widen at the mention of your parents and he knew it was his turn to stick up for you. Bucky slid next to you on the couch and slowly slid his hand into yours, offering a light, almost testing, squeeze which you returned slowly alongside a deep exhale. Bucky knew that breath, it was your calming breath. All these years and some things never changed. Bucky turned to face you, making sure to look in your eyes as he spoke.

“I will not let them hurt you. They will never be able to hurt you again. You have my word. You have my life.” He placed extra emphasis on the last word, hoping you would understand that he meant everything he was saying with every fiber of his being. While he knew his actions from ten years ago made it seem like he didn’t care that wasn’t the case. James Buchanan Barnes would kill for you. And he would die for you. And he needed you to know that. He watched you take in his words, your eyes widening at his meaning and your throat bobbing with a gulp. Before you could say anything to the contrary or ask him to rethink his words he shook his head and added, “I fucked up all those years ago. I’ve spent the last ten years without you and being a massive dick. Your safety, your wellbeing, your life is worth at least ten of mine. And I will do everything in my power to protect you. Do you understand?”

He could have heard a pin drop in that space. You and Winnie had twin looks of disbelief and fear on your faces at the impact of his words. George, meanwhile, looked at his son with softened features, taking in the words he’d spoken and letting them sit as his eyes roved slowly over to you. All was silent for a moment, but that silence was broken by a soft chirp of a meow as Alpine jumped onto the couch in between you and Bucky and stretched out so her head was in your lap and her body was in Bucky’s. He noticed a soft smile grow on your lips as your attention was pulled to the pile of white fluff and he took a moment to sit in the silence that followed.

That was until George spoke again.

“As I mentioned, what you two did definitely made a statement,” his voice was softer this time as if he was preparing the two of you for what he was going to say next, “and while originally I said this wedding would happen by the end of the month your actions have…changed that plan slightly. We have to move it to the end of next week.”

Your head swiveled sharply from Bucky to George, your eyes bulging as your mouth opened as if to speak. But you seemed to think about it for a second and merely nodded your head solemnly, turning your attention back to Alpine as Bucky swore he saw you shake off a tear that had formed in your eye. Intense feelings of guilt washed over him.

Bucky had done this. It was Bucky’s fault the two of you were in this situation. If he’d used his brain years ago neither of you would be in this specific mess. Hell if Tony Stark hadn’t taken you under his wing when you went to California it’s likely you’d have been able to cut off your parents and never return to New York. A sinking feeling made Bucky shake himself out of his thoughts. It wouldn’t do any good to dwell on the past. He needed to act. And he needed to everything in his power to protect you.

“We understand,” Bucky spoke quietly, earning a soft nod from you in agreement and a soft ‘good’ from his father. At that, Winnie and George stood up, prepared to make their leave. His mother pressed a kiss on his cheek and wrapped him in a warm hug before doing the same to you, whispering something in your ear before making her way to the front door of his home. George was the last one out, looking over the two of you with a mix of fondness and pity in his eyes before turning to Bucky sharply.

“You take care of her.”

“I will,” Bucky responded quietly, lowering his head as a sign of deference to his boss, his father, and to his future wife. George nodded once more before pulling Bucky in for a hug and then doing the same to you. When the door to the apartment finally shut and Bucky locked up behind them he could hear sniffling from the living room. When he rounded the corner he found you curled up on the couch with Alpine snuggling in the crook of your legs, with tears streaming down your face. When you caught sight of him you rushed to wipe them away but Bucky merely sank down to his knees in front of you and wiped them away softly and reverently himself.

Your breathing stuttered when Bucky’s hand first cupped your face but the hyperventilation and the sniffles calmed down after a moment. Neither of you said anything, just sat there staring at one another, his hand on your jaw and his gaze on yours, until Alpine nudged her head in between the two of you for more attention. You huffed out a laugh at the little hellion and leaned back ever so slightly to accommodate her, your action was rewarded by loud purrs. Bucky took that moment to speak.

“Why’d you lie for me? Why’d you…stick up for me. You could’ve just let them ream me out for my actions. I was stupid and I was…well I was jealous. I saw you dancing with Steve and Natasha…and I was trying to get this girl to leave me alone,” at the mention of another woman your eyes flashed with something Bucky couldn’t quite read so he continued, “and so I…well I just reacted. I wanted everyone in that club to know you’re mine. And that wasn’t my place. And now what I did may have just jeopardized this whole thing. So to reiterate my question, why?”

You looked at Bucky thoughtfully for a while, he could practically see the gears turning in your brain as you carefully chose your words before responding.

“It was the right thing to do. Even if I was upset initially with your actions, I don’t know if I would have ever been able to tell my parents that we were engaged or going to be married. And while yes, you did essentially force my hand with that announcement and that kiss,” your face faltered slightly at the mention of the quite public kiss he’d given you in The Underworld before shaking yourself out of your thoughts and continuing, “I genuinely think it would have been worse if they just… found out. So that’s why I stood up for you. That’s why I told your parents I was in on it. That’s my story, James.”

He nodded his head slowly, taking in the words you were saying and willing himself not to cringe as he noticed that you’d returned to calling him James again and not Jamie. You’re not worthy of that nickname. Not yet. He shook himself out of his thoughts and cleared his voice, “I appreciate that. I appreciate what you did. I don’t deserve your support.”

You watched him carefully before one side of your mouth quirked into a small smirk, “No. No you don’t. But you’re my only path to freedom and safety. And I quite like both of those things.”

It was Bucky’s turn to huff out a laugh as the tension in the room slowly waned. The two of you sat in silence a moment longer before you asked, “now what’s with this girl? A scorned lover? Side piece? Employee?” You practically wiggled your brows making Bucky laugh but he could see something simmering beneath the surface. His initial reaction was to respond suggestively but he decided against it, best not to poke the bear.

“Ah, Megan she’s…someone I’ve…well. She’s…” it was like he couldn’t find the words and Bucky swore he felt a blush creeping up the back of his neck. You must have noticed it as well because you threw your head back and cackled, startling Alpine.

“Oh this is hilarious, come on Barnes. You can tell me about Megannnnn,” oh that wasn’t a simmer behind your eyes anymore, that was a full on boil despite the fact that your tone was teasing. So Bucky approached the topic slowly, his words more clear this time.

“Megan and I have…messed around for quite a bit. I haven’t seen her since the night I first saw you again. Intentionally,” he added the last part with a firm voice before continuing, “and tonight I told her that I was getting married and she offered to be my mistress.” He spat out the last bit, the bitterness of the word singeing his tongue. “But I told her no. Absolutely not. And she…well she didn’t like that and started freaking out on me and that’s when I found you.”

Silence must have been the name of the game this evening because it draped itself comfortably around the two of you. It took a few minutes before you spoke in response.

“She’s not going to be a problem…is she?” You asked your question slowly as if insinuating multiple meanings in your question.

Bucky shook his head and responded, “No. That ship has sailed. Megan won’t bother us if she knows what’s good for her.”

You seemed to be somewhat okay with that answer as you gave Alpine a couple more scratches before stretching and standing up. “Okay. Well. Now that all of that is settled, I think it’s time to go to bed. I’ve got a lot of work to do if we’re getting married in a week,” the last part of the sentence ending in duel cringes from both of you before you turned to face him one last time.

“Good night, Bucky.”

As you turned around to go to your room his eyes softened and he whispered so softly, “good night, sweetheart.”

The weekend ended on a quiet note. Natasha came over to hang out with you and Bucky went over to hang out with Steve. Both of them were not shy about telling him how much of a fuck up he was. And he knew they were both justified in their statements. Bucky didn’t have the heart to tell Steve about the confrontation with you after his parents left, and he just drifted through the weekend in comfortable silence.

And then Monday came. In the early hours of Monday morning Bucky received a phone call from Sam stating that he needed to get to one of their warehouses immediately. Flinging himself out of bed, Bucky hurried to put on clothes, grab a gun, and run to his car, throwing it into drive and zooming out into the streets of Manhattan. Bucky saw the smoke before he even arrived at the warehouse. It was one of their arms facilities. Or at least it had been. Now all that was left of it was a brick exterior, some ash and billowing smoke. The fire department was already there but Bucky’s father had them on his payroll. The fire chief came up to him and told him they believed it was arson, but luckily nobody was inside when the bomb exploded. Bucky told him to keep it quiet, the chief choosing that time to show Bucky an envelope that had been found in pristine condition not far from the scene, addressed to him.

Bucky stepped away and opened it slowly as he perused the contents, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the letter inside tightly.

Barnes,

We know. All of Manhattan knows. We will have her. You cannot protect her and your family forever. There will be blood. And it will be hers. I cannot wait to mark her up. She’d look so nice with twin slashes on her cheeks. Blood spilling down her throat. Maybe he will let me get a nice look at her, all of her, before we punish her.

This is war.

-C.S.

Bucky had to take a number of breaths to calm himself down before reaching into his phone and dialing Natasha’s number as fast he could, practically barking at her to get to his apartment and not leave until he returned. He’d left you alone and after this letter he would not make that mistake again.

Rushing through the formalities of covering up the warehouse explosion as a gas line leak, Bucky rushed home and practically flung open the door to find you sitting on the couch, bleary eyed with an on-alert Natasha pointing a gun at him. After realizing who was in front of her she put the gun down immediately and stepped aside, a silent way of showing him you were safe. Bucky let out a deep breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as his hands went to his pocket, touching the edges of the letter folded up there. He wouldn’t let you see it. The threat alone was enough to make his stomach roil and he wasn’t about to show it to you. So he blew out a breath and took a step towards you, noting Alpine curled up in your grasp.

“What is it Buck? Nat wouldn’t tell me but she just barged in here and woke me up…is everything okay? What’s wrong?” Your questions were slightly muddled with sleep but he could tell you were waking up more and more as your sentence continued.

He looked between the two of you, your eyes wide and fearful, Nat’s own questioning and boring a hole into him before he spoke, “we’re officially at war, Y/N. And it’s going to be my job to keep you safe. This I swear to you.”

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#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fic #buckysimp101 #everything the light touches #mafia au #mafia!bucky x reader #mafia!bucky x yn #mafia!bucky #mafia fic #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #happy 2023 #happy new year

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happy-mokka · 3 months

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All of Us Strangers...

youtube

So, I got the chance to watch "All of Us Strangers" today as a preview 6 days before the official release in Germany.

Phew...

What a movie. I cannot remember, when I've last seen something both so beautiful and gut-wrenching...

The cast is extraordinary. Andrew Scott brillant as usual. Paul Mescal amazing. Also Claire Foy and Jamie Bell on the side are beautiful.

As for the story, I find it impossible to tell details, without giving spoilers.

Go, watch it. Enjoy the beautiful moments full of energy and tension. Brace yourselves for the heartbreak. There's plenty of it as well.

The famous "final 15" almost feel like - as we say in Germany - a children's birthday party to me in comparison.

Nevertheless, a beautiful movie about the pursuit for peace and happiness, kindred spirits, loss, childhood trauma, family and first and foremost:

The power of love A force from above Cleaning my soul The power of love A force from above A sky-scraping dove Flame on burn desire Love with tongues of fire Purge the soul Make love your goal I'll protect you from the hooded claw Keep the vampires from your door

❤️

#all of us strangers #andrew scott #paul mescal #claire foy #jamie bell #frankie goes to hollywood #the power of love #i'm not crying you're crying #love #loss #trauma #family #soulmates #queer trauma #Youtube

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jaylienpotter · 7 months

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October 6th @prongsfoot-microfic prompt "blow" (I'm v late ik, I'm sorry)

Birthday

James sat at his desk studying - or trying to. He was in his last year at Loughborough University, studying sport science. Besides wanting be a professional athlete, he also decided on helping those in that area. He could be a sports psychologist, since he always had a passion for helping, or a coach. He had options and time. He just needed to focus.

His phone rang. 'Sirius' - scratch that plan.

They exchanged numbers after Black finished the commission of drawing Potter's dog, Padfoot. It was on the owner's phone screen. To his delight, Pads was also inspiration for a small ceramic sculpture, 'consider this extra as a thank you for your family's pottery lessons', Sirius had said.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Sirius."

"I know, I have your contact saved. And there aren't many Siriuses, I reckon." His smile was probably audible. The other boy had the same type of humour, which was comforting.

"I'm special like that. So uhm... My birthday's next week's Friday. I don't normally celebrate it but my friend Marlene insisted on doing something since we don't see each other much ever since I moved here. We're going to a bar, just us, her girlfriend and my ex."

"Your ex?" Perhaps he still had feelings for them? I mean, wasn't it awkward to be around an ex?

"Yeah, he's my best friend. Even after the breakup." He. If it hadn't been clear already, this was the confirmation that the hottest man James had ever met was, in fact, not straight.

"Oh, that's nice."

"So... Would you like to come? You don't have to, I understand that we haven't met long ago and you don't know my friends..."

"I'd love to!" Maybe he answered a tad too fast. But Black didn't seem to mind.

"Wicked! It's at The Bell Foundry. How does 8 PM sound?"

"Perfect!"

"Brill. A'ight, see ya then, mate. Oh, and don't get me anything." He definitely would.

"Bye, cheers."

Potter got there 15 minutes earlier. He was used to arriving first. When the birthday boy arrived, the tanned one blushed, heart skipping a beat. Fuck, he's bloody hot.

Glittery sheer crop top, his pierced nipples and chest tattoo visible, ripped black jeans with fishnets underneath, a buckled belt and chains, high heeled platform black boots, a choker that James wanted to pull, several silver necklaces and rings, and a glittery black smokey eye makeup with star rhinestones on the inner corners. His sharp features were even more noticeable with his hair in a messy bun.

"Like what you see?"

"Uh- I-" He composed himself and cleared his throat "Happy birthday!" The other man snorted but didn't press on the matter.

"Thank you. And thanks for coming."

"Thanks for the invitation. I know you told me not to but... I was never good with following orders." It was half true. He obeyed those he looked up to, like his parents and coach. Other than that? Mischief maker that looked too innocent for his own good.

He extended a black tote bag with a ribbon. "You really didn't need to-"

"I wanted to. Go on, open." Pale hands opened the bag, a bit confused. "It's empty?" To further confuse him, Jamie grinned.

"Oh silly me! It's backwards!" He exclaimed theatrically, took the bag and turned it inside out, revealing a Guns 'N' Roses logo. "There you go!"

"Bloody hell, this is great! You like them too??"

"Haven't heard much, to be honest. But you were wearing a graphic shirt the day we met and you have a quote of them on your Instagram so I figured you were a fan."

"That's actually so thoughtful, thanks." Good, he doesn't see it as creepy. You can relax now.

They hugged and pulled away after a whistle caught Sirius's attention.

"Happy birthday Starlight!"

"Moony!" He ran and hugged who Potter presumed was the ex. He was a tad intimidating. Very tall, neutral expression that could hide so much emotion, some few scars that indicated fights... Yet he was strangely attractive. He could see the appeal.

The brown haired lad hugged back, patting his friend's head. Potter couldn't help but feel jealous.

"Meet my new friend James! James, this is Remus."

"Hi, nice to meet you." Was the waving awkward?

"Likewise. Yer here early. I usually have to wait for ye." He had turned to his ex and swiftly put a cigarette between his chapped lips.

"Yeah, wanted to be with James before anyone else got here so he wouldn't be alone." Potter wasn't blushing. He wasn't. He was.

"Oh, thanks. That's nice of you."

"I'm always nice." The snicker coming from the tallest lad indicated otherwise. And from the little James already knew about Black, he was definitely very cheeky. "We should probably head inside. We'll catch a cold if we wait for Marlene."

"I dunno how ye two manage to be late everywhere. If ya weren't both gay, ya'd be a perfect match. Ye two go ahead, imma finish my smoke."

It had taken another half an hour before the last two members of the party arrived together. The mentioned Marlene was a short bubbly non-binary Filipino who was unapologetically loud. Their girlfriend Dorcas was more collected yet sociable. Her very dark skin looked amazing with the bright colours of her outfit.

Potter's nervousness eased after a while. They hit it all off well, albeit being ever so slightly jealous of 'Moony'.

"So what's the deal between ye two?" They both looked over to where the birthday boy was moving his hips to the music, next to a box dyed blonde head.

"Oh, we're just friends." Sadly. The tallest probably read his mind, giving him an unreadable look.

"I reckon he fancies ye. I recognise those eyes. Don't know ye but I'd say y'also do."

Saved by the bell, or rather, by the cake. "Happy birthday to you..." Dorcas had a cake in her hands, placing it next to James. Marlene was pulling their friend through the crowd.

"Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday dear Sirius..." All four were singing, some clubbers and bartenders joined, others didn't bother. Black seemed to love the attention he was getting.

"Happy birthday to you!" The grin. The eye twinkle that matched the top. He ought to celebrate his anniversary from now on.

"Make a wish!" Silver eyes shut as if concentrating very hard and the candles were blown. People cheered and went back to their lives.

"Thank you all for this. Really. Did you make it, Dorcas?"

"Yes I did. My famous chocolate fudge."

"You're amazing. A'ight, let's cut it before Moony starts drooling." They all laughed.

The cake was top tier. The music had been great. The environment was friendly and so were the people. All in all it was a very fun night, one like James hadn't had in a long time.

#marauders #marauders era #marauders fandom #the marauders #harry potter marauders #dead gay wizards #james potter #sirius black #prongsfoot microfic #prongsfoot #romantic prongsfoot #bambibelle #marauders starbucks #starbucks ship #Sry for the extreme delay #It's been sitting in my drafts for nearly a week #I intend on writing some more prompts from prev days

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julemmaes · 2 years

Text

Mimi

Nessian week 2022, day seven: free day

A/N: I'M LATE TO THIS??? UNHEARD OF! Not-funny jokes aside, I once saw a tiktok that said how nobody talks about dads' struggles during the pregnancy and the early months of their kid's life and Idk I had ideas and I threw them at Nessian as usual. "Mimi" is a chunky, very emotional-angst baby, so be careful with this one

This is also a very late happy birthday gift for @simpingfornestaarcheron cause she's the best and she asked for some hair-pulling-angst

Thanks to @starksravings for beta reading this, love you❤

@nessianweek

Word count: 7.374

"Okay," Cassian whispered, looking around, counting the number of suitcases and bags scattered on the floor. The pram, the baby carrier, the bag they were going to take on the plane with everything for any eventuality. He turned towards the stairs and called out loudly. "Sweetheart? Did we get everything?"

Nesta didn't reply, but he heard the bathroom drawers being opened and closed quickly, as if his wife was checking one last time that they hadn't forgotten anything. He nodded once, sighing. Great minds think alike.

He was about to call her again, ask her if she needed a hand, when the tiny baby he held on his chest with just one hand moved a leg, jerking a little. Cassian lowered his gaze the exact moment Jamie opened her eyes.

Irises so clear they were worthy of the clearest sea stared back at him, and he smiled without even realising it. Every time his daughter looked at him as if he hung the moon.

Nesta liked to joke that Cassian had sold his soul to the devil to be the child's favourite, to be admired by someone the way Jamie did whenever she found herself in the room with her father. It was enviable, a love as strong, as visible as the one between him and the little creature who was already falling asleep in his arms again.

He brushed his fingertip over her rosy cheek and then gently laid her down in her carrier, being careful not to wake her up as he cradled her head and left a kiss on her forehead.

He lost track of time looking at her, making sure her tiny little chest was moving, that she was breathing. He was unbelievably scared of that nightmare becoming a reality, even if their pediatrician had told them multiple times that Jamie was one of the healthiest babies she had ever treated. They had discussed this ad nauseam with doctor Towers after Nesta had found Cassian kneeling on the floor next to her crib, just after they had brought her home from the hospital. He was passed out, his face pressed against the wooden bars, a hand on the baby’s torso, covering her entire body.

He was so deeply absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Nesta coming down the stairs right behind him, and he startled when she gently placed a hand on his back, taking a step to the side.

He pulled himself up, bringing one hand to his chest with wide eyes. "Jesus, woman," he breathed, "next time stab me directly, will you?"

Nesta raised both her brows, an amused grin curling her lips. When she spoke, she was whispering. “Oh yeah, I’m sorry,” she didn’t sound sorry at all, “would you rather put a bell on me?”

Cassian nodded, smirking in turn, letting his hand reach for her arm, brushing the exposed skin between the tank top and the knitted cardigan that had slipped from her shoulder.

“I think that’s an awesome idea.” He joked, bending down just enough to be at eye level with his wife. His eyes fell briefly to her lips and then back up to her eyes.

She never failed to make his heart skip a few beats.

His next words came from a place deep in his soul, and Nesta seemed pleasantly surprised. As if she wasn’t expecting him to say such a thing at that moment.

“You’re stunning today.”

Her eyes softened, and she brought her hands to his chest, closing the distance between them until their bodies pressed flushed together. She went up on the tip of her toes and left a soft peck on his lips.

Cassian smiled in the kiss and she huffed, taking a step back and crouching to the floor, moving the bags closer to her.

“I’m pretty sure our taxi is gonna be here in a minute or so. Why don't you take Mimi and take her outside?” She said, putting more and more bags on her shoulders and arms. “I’ll be there in a sec.”

He frowned, “What?”

She ignored his question as she placed one of the biggest bags in the stroller, overloading it and making it almost topple onto the floor. Cassian’s hand shot out, gripping the handle of the thing and taking one of the bags from her when Nesta groaned.

“What are you even doing?” He asked, searching for her eyes.

Nesta leveled him a look, conveying all the sarcasm of a thousand comedians in her next words, “I’m obviously trying to make an omelette.”

He snorted, a smile breaking out despite his attempt to hold it back. “Such a smartass.”

“I wanna see,” another groan from her while she tried to balance yet another backpack on top of everything on the stroller, “if I can manage to bring all of these by myself, so your arms will be free to take Jamie when she needs to be picked up.”

Cassian wanted to laugh, glancing at the stuff they’d packed, covering almost the entirety of their entrance’s floor.

“Yeah, no.” He shook his head.

Nesta sighed, “Yes.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but a horn honked outside, making Jamie whimper softly. Both parents’ stares snapped to the baby, and when she blinked awake, Nesta melted and kneeled next to her, all the rest forgotten in a flash. Jamie grinned toothlessly at her mom, sleep still clinging to her body as she tried to lift a tiny fisted hand.

Cassian’s heart swelled in his chest when Nesta slightly bowed down, moving closer to their daughter's face, briefly rubbing their noses together and whispered, “Hello, Mimi.”

Jamie wiggled her feet excitedly and squealed high enough that Cassian cringed.

Nesta looked up at him over her shoulder, raising an eyebrow. “So we have a deal?”

His face fell. “No, we do not.”

She huffed, ready to argue back, but he held a hand up, stopping her. She frowned.

“Listen, Nes, we have to cross the entire airport, and you know it’s gonna be crowded as fu-”

She shot to her feet, both hands up and a threatening look.

“Fudge,” he coughed, failing to hide his amusement as he stepped back. “Crowded as fudge. And you can’t take all of this by yourself. You’ll be sore by day one if you do.”

“So you think I’m weak.”

He ran a hand over his face, “No, I didn’t say that.”

“I smell misogyny,” she joked.

Cassian huffed a laugh, “Stop that.”

She smiled at him, shrugging.

The taxi driver honked again, and Cassian stepped just outside the front door to let him know they’d be ready in a moment before getting back inside.

“I’m serious, though,” he went again, “you can’t bring everything without letting me take something.”

Nesta raised her shoulders until they reached her ears and she eyed Jamie, who was now staring at Cassian with big, shiny eyes. He fluttered his fingers in a subtle wave at the baby, and she cooed.

“I just think I’d feel safer if you had her, you know?”

He studied Nesta for a second and nodded, letting her continue.

“You’re right, the airport will be crammed, and you know I get skittish around large crowds. So I’d rather you carry her and let me deal with the bags and trolleys and stuff. I don’t know if I can handle people slamming into me while I hold her.”

Cassian scowled, mumbling quietly, “I don’t think I can handle people slamming into you, period.”

Nesta took a deep breath and put a hand on his chest. His own instinctively reached for it.

“Listen, it’s not just the two of us anymore, and we knew what we were signing up for when we booked this trip.” She tried to sound sure of herself, but Cassian knew she was just as worried as he was. “We try to enjoy ourselves and the vacation, but our priority is making sure she’s comfortable and safe, and I can’t do that if I have to keep my anxiety at bay. So please, please just let me take everything. Who cares if I have a sore body for a few hours?”

“I care,” he promptly said, passing his thumb over her knuckles.

“Just, please?” She closed her eyes. “I feel safer knowing you have her.”

He squared his shoulders, “I get the baby and a few bags.”

“Cass-”

“It’s called a compromise. Thought you knew about those.”

Nesta grimaced and then stared for a long moment at the bags. “Fine, whatever.”

Cassian’s smile could have lit up the night.

***

“Babies shouldn’t be allowed on planes. It smells like shit in here! I can’t even breathe!”

Cassian had always considered himself a patient man, someone who could keep calm in a difficult situation and that managed to make people see reason.

Since Jamie was born, he had found living up to his beliefs difficult.

Sitting on his left, Nesta glared at the man only four rows in front of them, now standing and screaming nonsense at the flight attendants that were calmly telling him to take a seat as he was impeding the plane from taking off.

Cassian clenched his fists around the handles of his seat, taking a deep breath. The smell of poop hit him like a punch to the temple, and he grimaced.

The stranger was not wrong in saying it was hard to ignore the foul stench, both couldn’t deny that it was true. However, the man's attitude and entitlement was pissing Cassian off.

“I won’t sit down until you do something!”

Nesta shook her head and huffed.

“People are so fucking stupid sometimes,” she whispered. Cassian would have pointed out the swear word had he not been so focused on the argument happening just a few metres in front of them.

One of the flight attendants neared the man, talking with hushed tones. He couldn’t hear what was being said by the staff members, but every single person could hear the passenger’s words.

Cassian was on the verge of getting up and screaming at him to just fucking sit down, but then the man spoke up, “This is why animals travel in the hold, so we don't have to endure the smell of piss and shit for hours!”

“Oh hell, no.”

He didn’t have time to unbuckle his belt before something small and soft and really, really cute was placed on his lap. With rage boiling in his veins and the muscles in his arms twitching with the will to hit the stranger, Cassian forced himself to calm down. He circled his daughter’s body with a hand and pushed her back against his stomach, firmly securing her to him. He couldn’t look at her, even if her little hands were pulling at his fingers. He wouldn’t risk Jamie seeing the anger sizzling in his eyes and thinking it might be directed at her.

Cassian assumed Nesta had passed Jamie over as a diversion. A distraction meant to occupy Cassian from getting up and going for the man's head. It wouldn’t have been the first time his wife pulled something like this. The entirety of their friends and family knew the calming power Jamie held over her parents.

But surely, what he hadn’t imagined was Nesta slowly raising to her feet and fisting both hands by her sides, coughing to draw attention to her and calmly saying, “I swear to everything good on this planet that if you try and call my daughter an animal one more time, I’ll throw her poop at you. And-”

Cassian pulled her back with wide eyes before she could say something that might have them banned from the flying company for the rest of their lives.

One of the now three flight attendants rolled their eyes to the ceiling, muttering something that sounded like a prayer before looking at them both.

“Ma’am, please, let us handle this.”

Nesta’s lips tightened, and then she nodded, sitting down again and buckling her seatbelt.

Cassian was still staring at the love of his life when a loud snort escaped his control. Jamie threw her head back at the sound and hit him straight on his solar plexus, making him burst into breathless laughter. Nesta frowned and glared at him, and then she snorted as well. She brought a hand to her mouth and started laughing like a madwoman as she thought through what she’d just said.

“Oh my god, Nes.” Cassian chuckled, his eyes shining with love. “Did you just threaten to throw Jamie’s poop at a stranger?”

Nesta was still smiling, “I guess I did.”

He was about to rebut, but the man shouted something else.

An old woman across from them was shaking her head with such a confused expression that when Cassian turned and noticed her, he wanted to laugh again. The boy sitting next to her, who couldn’t have been older than twenty, was soundly sleeping.

He glanced around the plane and noticed that everybody was glaring at the man. Some were pinching their noses but were keeping silent. And even then, they weren’t staring daggers into him or his daughter. Everyone on that damned flight was pissed at the man.

“It would be so easy to let those two take the child to the toilet-”

“We’re following protocol, sir. Could you please-”

He interrupted the attendant again and Jamie shifted on his lap, making him look down at her. She was growing tired and uncomfortable. He couldn’t imagine sitting on your own shit for more than what was necessary was a pleasant activity.

It was driving him insane.

Cassian didn’t notice Nesta had turned in her seat and was whispering something to him, because he was focused on the man. It wasn’t until his wife closed her hand around his bicep that he dared pull his stare from the stranger and focused on her.

“Cass,” Nesta put her chin on his shoulder, talking directly in his face, “relax. You’ll be able to change her in a moment.”

He nodded and tilted his head, trying to crack his neck, “I’m calm.”

Nesta just hummed, and then they went back to look at the passenger.

He was flailing his arms in the air and was yelling at the pilot, who’d come out of the cabin to see what all the fuss was about. The pilot raised a hand in front of the man’s face and clenched her jaw, nailing him to his spot with just a deathly glare.

“What’s your name, sir?”

He frowned, shaking his head, “I- that’s not important. You have to do something about the smell.”

He sounded like a broken record.

The pilot nodded her head and curled her lips in a scary smile, “Your name, please.”

“Beron Vanserra.” He gritted out, his face turning red. “I don’t see why-”

“Perfect, Mr. Vanserra, I’m Nehemia Ytger, your pilot for this flight. I’ll give you two options now,” she started. “I’m sure you’re a smart man, so you will understand when I explain what will happen. First option, you sit back and buckle your belt. We take off and you wait not even fifteen minutes before we’re stable in the air so that the parents involved can go change their child’s diaper. You will keep quiet for this entire time and everything will be solved. Second option, I take this plane back to the layby and you get off it.”

Mr. Vanserra gaped like a fish.

“Your choice.”

He grumbled something under his voice and then he finally sat down.

The plane filled with cheers of triumph and howls.

It wasn’t even twenty minutes later that Cassian could get up, the seatbelt signs now off, and walk down the aisle towards the toilet, a mumbling Jamie chewing on his knuckles.

Nothing could have stopped him from slowing down his pace while passing next to Mr. Vanserra and whispering, “Dickhead.”

***

Rhysand had warned Cassian, sometime during Nesta’s third trimester, that he would stay up all night with the baby while she cried her lungs out as if someone was pulling her insides out. Cassian had scoffed that time, saying that was nothing new, that every soon-to-be parent knew their immediate future featured burps, shitty shirts and sleepless nights.

But Cassian still wasn’t prepared for those nights. Not really. Not when it felt like someone kept scratching at his chest. Digging until they reached the bone, cracked open his sternum and fisted his heart in a tight, imperishable squeeze. That they would feel like he couldn’t get enough air in. His daughter was in pain, and there was nothing Cassian could do to assuage her. It was the slowest and most painful torture one could endure.

Nobody had warned him about that.

Nesta was worriedly looking at him from her spot on the bed, her arms crossed over her chest as she bit her lip, clearly wanting to say something but holding back for both their mind’s sake.

Jamie wailed again in his arms, back arching in what Cassian could only describe as torment. Her face was twisted in agony and they knew there was very little they could do, apart from waiting for it to be over.

One of the things Cassian had loathed most since the beginning of Nesta's pregnancy was the unsolicited advice from people who thought they knew everything about their child's behaviour. As if he or his wife hadn't spent quite literally Jamie's entire life with her.

They both knew very well that there were no remedies for their baby's colic; only many attempts at what parents around the world had suggested could make babies calm down. But what could they do about something that not even doctors knew what caused it or how it could be treated?

Either way, Cassian was condemned to hear his daughter's agonising screams and atrocious wails, helpless in the face of an invincible enemy. It made him feel like the worst dad on the face of the earth.

“I don’t understand what might have set her off.” He said to Nesta, attempting to go through with the fourth step in the “Five S” strategy, something he’d seen on google. “She’s been fine for two whole days, I don’t…”

He trailed off and took a trembling breath. Jamie was pushing her legs out, stretching her arms wide like she wanted out of her own skin, so Cassian put the pacifier in her open mouth. Her tongue pushed it out with such force that he didn’t even try a second time, knowing it wouldn’t work.

“Cass.” Nesta called him.

He positioned his daughter across his forearm with her head resting in his hand. He’d read somewhere it was easiest to calm a crying baby when they were lying on their side or stomach. Jamie seemed to like the new arrangement even less, because she let out a shriek that could have shattered glass.

Cassian whined with her, looking up at the ceiling. “I know, baby, I know. I’m so sorry; I wish I could do something for you.”

“Hey, look at me.” Nesta’s voice was harsh, and he had no choice but to do as she ordered. She was now kneeling on the comforter of their way more-than-fancy hotel room. She reached out to him, making a come hither motion with her fingers, to indicate he passed over Jamie, “You’ve held her more than an hour now. Give her to me.”

He hesitated, briefly closed his eyes and stepped to the edge of the bed. But the moment he went to place her in Nesta’s arms, Jamie’s cries became impossibly sharper, and her hand tried to fist a shirt that was not there. He shook his head and straightened his back, bringing her closer to his naked chest.

“No, sorry. I can’t.”

“Cassian.” Nesta chastised.

“No,” he said again, “she-”

Nesta was visibly holding back, considering the time and the fact that they were both exhausted.

“She’ll be fine if you give her to me for a few minutes. Nothing will happen, and I can assure you she won’t feel like you’re abandoning her.”

But he would. It was a given fact that Jamie could calm down from a crying fit better in Cassian’s arms. They weren’t really sure why that was. Probably the fact he had been the one to console her every night for the first month, while Nesta tried to recover from a rough birth had something to do with it.

It wasn’t that Jamie couldn’t fall asleep in her mom’s arms, she did, but she always seemed to prefer Cassian when feeling upset.

So that was why, whenever Jamie cried and neither of them managed to soothe her, they both went insane.

“Give me our daughter and go to the bathroom for a few minutes. Now. I’m not even kidding, Cassian.” She got up from the bed and strolled to them, taking the baby gently from his arms and pushing him towards the only other room in the room they’d booked.

He swallowed loudly and tried to ignore Jamie’s whimpers and sobs as he entered the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Silence welcomed him, he could only hear some muffled cries from time to time. Cassian hadn’t realised just how much it was affecting him, but Nesta had. And that was why they were the perfect team.

He sat on the edge of the tub and counted to a hundred. Then to two hundred, until he got lost in his own head and was only staring at the tiles of the floor, trying to blink sleep out of his eyes.

When a particularly loud wail managed to reach him, he huffed, got up and started to fill up the sink with warm water for Jamie, something that had worked only a few times.

Once he deemed the sink full enough and prepared a warm towel on the side of it, he went back to the room and stopped in his tracks by the door, admiring his girls.

Nesta had her eyes closed, whispering something to Jamie’s ear, keeping her close to her chest with her head tilted down, towards their daughter’s. She cradled Jamie with both arms, trying to keep her warm while they swayed around the room.

The baby didn’t really seem to be listening, but her cries had died down to more of a hiccup, sobbing and only whining every other second, no more desperate for some kind of relief.

Cassian smiled at the picture, finally hearing what Nesta was murmuring.

“I love you, Mimi. So much.” She was talking so close to Jamie’s cheek that every word was a soft kiss on her rosy skin. “Momma loves you and dada does, too. And we would do anything if we could free you from this pain.”

When Cassian was close enough to touch her, he brushed a hand down Nesta’s spine, placing it on the small of her back. Nesta loosened against his chest, her shoulder pressing into him as she melted under his fingers. His other arm went around Jamie, who promptly looked up with watery, reddened eyes.

He stroked her cheek with a thumb and offered her a tired smile. Jamie only yawned, squeezing her eyes shut, making a few tears spill out, and munching on air afterwards.

If Cassian had to describe what cuteness overload felt like, he would describe this moment.

He left a kiss on Nesta’s temple before stepping back, pointing to the bathroom.

“I prepared her a bath.”

Nesta nodded and thanked him in a low whisper. Cassian helped Nesta undress Jamie and then kept a hand under the nape of her neck, helping her stay above the surface while his wife laid the baby in the water.

Jamie let go of a shuddering breath, and right after, a bubbly laugh erupted from her, making Cassian and Nesta relax against the sink. They played with her for a good thirty minutes, tickling her and carefully cleaning away her sweat and tears.

By the time they were in bed, Jamie soundly sleeping between them, it was well past four in the morning.

Nesta was sitting up against the headboard, stroking Cassian’s hair with one hand while the other was tracing patterns on Jamie’s belly. Cassian, instead, was drifting off to sleep as well, trying not to worry too much about what had gone down that night.

Just before he was dragged under, he heard Nesta whisper to him how much she loved them.

***

It was a nightmare.

His very own personal hell.

Jamie was asleep in his arms and seemed undisturbed by the screeching of the wagon wheels on the rails.

The underground brakes in Toronto, which they had initially thought would ease their movements between one tourist attraction and another, had proved to be the thing Cassian feared most.

Holding one arm firmly under Jamie's body, the other itched with the urge to move from Nesta's shoulders to his daughter. Talking to his wife was not an option to take his mind off things, because the noise was so loud they would have to shout to be heard by the other. And none of the people around them seemed to have noticed that he was holding a small grey fluffy bundle because no one had offered him their seat. Which made it quite difficult for him to keep his balance every time the underground braked and restarted.

Cassian just wanted to make sure Jamie kept sleeping.

When at one of the main stops half the car emptied, he was finally able to sit up and some of the tension that seemed to bind his shoulders in a press melted away. At least it did for ten seconds.

Then the train started up again. And the pounding with it.

Jamie twitched in his arms, chewing on the dummy Nesta had put in her mouth just before leaving the hotel, when she had still been awake.

Automatically, Cassian rearranged the baby so that one of her ears was pressed against his chest, and with the hand that wasn't holding her he went to cover her other ear, praying that the noise that showed no signs of abating would stop.

He had never felt so restless in his life, so stressed. Scared that the little one in his arms was not just sleeping, but had passed out from exhaustion.

It had been a week since they had arrived, and the previous evening they had been convinced they would be able to finish their holiday without any more colic after that first night during the first few days. They had been wrong.

Jamie had not stopped crying until five in the morning, starting at eleven from nowhere and stopping abruptly at dawn, falling asleep so fast that both parents had almost screamed with joy as they danced around the room, clutching each other in celebration of that small victory.

Now, after almost six full hours in which they had taken seven different subways and visited two of the main squares and a museum, and Jamie had shown no signs of life, Cassian was beginning to worry that something was wrong. He imagined it was expected, sleeping so soundly after consuming all energy in crying, but he couldn't help it.

When a group of teenagers climbed into their train, making far more of a commotion than necessary, Cassian felt the urge to yell at them to stop talking.

Nesta must have noticed something wasn't right, from the way Cassian's leg wouldn't stop bouncing and the nervous tics that seemed to have taken full control of his shoulders.

That was why the moment they found themselves outside the metro station, in the park where they had decided to relax that afternoon, she put her hand on his arm, silently ordering him to stop.

When Cassian turned towards her, Nesta's fingers slid down to his wrist and with a gentleness he had only before seen her use with her daughter, she forced his hand away from their daughter's head.

Cassian hadn't even noticed that he was still holding Jamie pressed against him.

The baby girl stretched, bending her head to the right and arching her back, looking for a new position after being forced into one for more than thirty minutes. Cassian moved as fast as he could without waking her to change arms, settling her in the niche of his elbow. Her little body relaxed again, her lips parted, releasing a relieved sigh, and the dummy fell onto her chest.

Despite the situation, despite the stress, Cassian smiled.

Nesta took the dummy, quickly slipping it into his jacket pocket.

“I think we should talk,” she murmured.

He took a deep breath, keeping his eyes on Jamie. He lifted one shoulder slightly, “I don't think that's necessary.”

Nesta approached him, and, his body be damned, Cassian relaxed at the warmth her proximity brought. One of her hands reached out to his face, and when both of Nesta's hands cradled his cheeks, her thumbs brushing his brow, he was forced to shift his gaze to his wife.

"I'm worried about you."

And it was the pain, the veiled frustration Cassian heard in her voice, that made him shut his eyes in embarrassment.

Nesta tightened her grip and then her forehead pushed against his, their noses nuzzled together. Cassian leaned forward slightly, letting himself be lulled for once.

"I want you to talk to Dr. Towers when we get back," she continued, never stopping to rub his flushed cheeks. "And I want you to tell me now what's going on because I can't help you if you don't tell me what the issue is."

When Cassian spoke, his voice came out rougher than he would have liked, and he was grateful to have Jamie in his arms, serving as a shield between him and comfort he didn't think he deserved.

"It's fine. I'm just stressed about the holiday."

With their heads so close together, he could feel Nesta shaking hers in discord.

"No, love, it's not just the holiday."

They remained silent, listening to the chirping and laughter of the children in the distance and the barking of the dogs running in the meadows. One of Nesta's hands slid over his neck, moving into his hair, and his body twitched in shivers.

"You can talk to me, Cass," she reminded him. "I'm not here to make your life harder. We're a team, remember? If it becomes too much for you, you can... you have to tell me. I don't want it to get to this point."

"I-" he cleared his throat, clearing his thoughts as well, searching for the right words to describe what had been plaguing him for weeks and was peaking on this holiday of horrors. "I feel like I'm failing her. Like I'm not doing enough."

Nesta nodded, "I understand that, Cassian, much more than you can imagine."

At those words, he moved away from her, but not enough so that she was no longer touching him.

He frowned. "What do you mean?"

That he had paid too much attention to himself? That he hadn't realised that Nesta was fighting her own demons alone, worried about making things even more difficult for him?

It wouldn't have been a surprise; after all, both of them were quite well known to be people who didn't actively seek help when they clearly needed it. But he never thought Nesta wouldn't trust him to the point of withholding that she was going through that same turmoil.

And then, as if they were connected by an invisible magic thread that allowed her to feel his emotions, a flash of anger passed over her face. "Don't give me that look. Like you haven't done the exact same thing for months now."

Cassian inhaled through his nose. Fair. He couldn't be angry with her. Not for this.

"And don't even try to feel bad because you didn't notice." In a teasing tone, she added, "You know I'm a pro at hiding my emotions."

"That doesn't mean you should feel obliged to do so so as not to give me any extra worries."

Nesta looked him in the eye at that point, a small smile blossoming on her lips.

"For once, I wanted to be the one to take care of you."

Cassian nodded and closed his eyes again, tilting his head back. And then, with the faintest voice he could muster with all those emotions clogging his throat, he whispered, “I love you.”

***

He would have rather been anywhere else on the planet.

Anywhere at all.

In the cone of an active volcano about to erupt.

At the bottom of the Mariana trench, being mauled by a killer squid.

At the top of a tree, with no way out, a grizzly bear climbing towards him, only two metres away from reaching him.

At that moment he would also have relived the grief and despair of his mother's death if it had meant even a moment's peace for his daughter.

The cry Jamie was gracing them with was a cry of anger. Discomfort. Pain.

Cassian had been insistently rocking her for two hours, stuck inside the airport because of the Hurricane of the Year, as the various news reports had dubbed it.

When only three hours ago the sky had been covered with clouds and the rain had started to fall, neither of the two newly parents would have imagined such mayhem. By the time they had finally realised the gravity of the situation and the airport staff had announced the cancellation of all flights, Cassian had been unable to find a single available hotel room.

He had begged the owners of houses, hostels, and dormitories to give them even just a bed, using the newborn-child card. At one point he had managed to find something, until he heard a family next to them say that the very hotel he had just spoken to had been overbooking. And that so many people had been forced to travel back, being held up outside the airport.

Security had stopped letting everyone in. Those few who had managed to get back in were only allowed if they still had someone inside the building.

It was utter chaos.

Cassian was growing increasingly frustrated by the minute and he was trying with all his might not to pay attention to the people complaining about the crying baby in his arms, but it was starting to become impossible.

Nesta was sitting on the ground, surrounded by all their things. She clutched her phone with a hand, pushing it against her ear and cupping her other to hear Feyre’s voice over the hustle around them. She was screaming something into the phone about the hurricane and about people’s rudeness.

He was about to go near her and kiss her, looking for some kind of comfort in such a bad moment, but someone touched his back and when he turned, a lady who couldn’t have been older than forty was frowning at him.

He hoped the stern face conveyed all the rage he knew he couldn’t put into words.

“I’m sorry,” the lady screamed, trying to be heard over the din. Jamie let out a strangled sob and then a wail, arching her back, screaming bloody murder. The lady grimaced and brought her hands to her temples. She turned her head, rolling her eyes in an annoyed expression and then whispered, probably thinking he couldn’t hear her. But her words reached Cassian loud and clear, “Just kill me already.”

When she looked back at him, she was wearing the attempt of a smile.

“I have to ask you to move. My family is trying to sleep and it’s kinda difficult to do so with your kid crying like that. So if you could just, you know…” she trailed off.

Cassian looked her up and down and frowned deeply. She wasn’t wearing the airport uniform and she had no tag indicating that she was working there to help with the damage the hurricane was causing.

“I’m sorry, who are you?” The bite in his voice was a clear invitation to leave him alone.

The woman looked taken aback for a moment, blinking rapidly at him, “I’m-” she looked over her shoulder and a man started walking their way.

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, he thought. He didn’t have time for this kind of shit.

When the woman’s husband reached them, he plastered the fakest smile Cassian had ever seen on his face and said, “Good evening, what’s the problem here?”

His lips twitched up, and then he clenched his jaw, trying to keep his calm, “I don’t know. I was just asking her wh-”

Jamie kicked out and hit a nerve in his bicep, making his entire arm spasm.

“Fuck,” he cursed, looking down at his daughter. She was silent for a second, her breath heavy as she panted and stared him right in the eyes, probably scared by that unusual outburst of rage. Guilt filled him to the brim and he tensed up even more when the crying took over again.

“You know, maybe you should-”

Cassian stopped listening. He had had about a couple of hundred people come up to him with solutions that didn’t work. He had thanked the first ones who had tried to help them out, even making small conversation, taking the time to explain Jamie just suffered from colic. Now, nearing midnight, he couldn’t have cared less about other people’s takes on his daughter's wellbeing.

He interrupted the man brusquely and turned his back on them, starting to walk towards Nesta as his entire demeanour changed, “I don’t care.”

Nesta was now standing, looking at him and then behind him and the couple who seemed stuck in their spots, their mouths hanging.

When her eyes went back to his, her lips parting to surely ask him how he was feeling, Cassian heard the man speak to his wife.

“What an asshole. He can’t make his own daughter stop crying and won’t even take advice.”

His heart clenched in his chest and his lungs spasmed, not letting enough air in. His steps faltered and the fight in him just disappeared, completely gone by the time he reached Nesta.

She stepped forward, ready to fight for him, but Cassian shook his head and whispered a weak “don’t” near her ear, leaving a soft kiss on her hair.

Nesta studied him as he sat on the floor, careful not to cause any more distress to Jamie. He cradled her body so that she was now somewhat laying on his thighs and when he bent his legs, bringing her much closer to his body, he also bowed his head down, covering her reddened face from the blinding lights of the airport.

Cassian had once heard someone say that what Jamie—or babies in general, he guessed—was feeling during these times was something him, as an adult, could not experience anymore. Grownups always have their emotions mellowed by several layers of other emotions and anticipation of the future, and can’t experience emotions of the same intensity, the podcast said. That Jamie’s discomfort could only be described as “shattering”, because that’s exactly what it does to a parent. All your instincts tell you to drop whatever you’re doing and fix whatever is wrong with your child. You are incapable of ignoring it, and even incapable of coherent thought that isn’t focused on the child.

Doctor Towers had warned him during the prenatal course. His never-ending questions had made her near him at the end of the course, telling him that he should be careful managing all those fears he was already showing during Nesta’s pregnancy. That nothing good could come from him thinking of himself as not enough before their daughter was even born.

But he had been on the edge of a cliff for the past month completely ignoring all the warning signs and the bells going off in his mind at any given time. This trip had only given him that slight brush on his back that made him tumble down the hill.

The first sob came as a surprise even to him and when the image of Jamie blurred with his own tears, Cassian looked up at Nesta, feeling a pang of fear rise in his chest like a tidal wave.

She was there in the blink of an eye, kneeling next to him.

“Hey. Hey, baby, listen to me.” She said, placing a hand near Jamie’s head, on his knee, and the other on the nape of his head. “You’re okay. Listen to my voice.”

Her arm went around his neck, her elbow just below his chin, and she pressed her palm against his ear, exactly as he’d done with Jamie on the metro. She pushed his head against her mouth and started talking directly into his ear.

Cassian closed his eyes, gripping the fabric of his jeans, focusing only on Nesta’s voice.

“This is temporary. We’re not stuck in this airport forever. Jamie will soon stop crying and she’ll be asleep by the time the flights will start again.” She was saying.

The hand that wasn’t acting as a shield between him and the loud noises of the building was brushing through his hair in a calming, soothing way. He leaned in that touch, basked in the comfort it was showering him with.

“It’s not your fault she’s crying and it’s normal you’re feeling overwhelmed. That man shouldn’t have said those things to you.”

He tried to inhale, but the pain was almost physical at this point. Nesta pressed her head even harder against his and her lips kissed the shell of his ear.

“I’m so sorry, baby, so sorry he said that. But it’s not true. You’re the best dad one could ever have and Jamie is so, so lucky to have you. I am. You’ve done so much for both me and her on this trip and you’ve tried enough. This is enough.”

It had to be.

Her thumb brushed the underside of his eye, swiping away the tears.

His panic was slowly subsiding and Nesta’s closeness was helping. An anchor to real life.

Cassian leaned into her, and for the first time in forever, he didn’t put up a fight when Nesta reached for Jamie and took her from his arms.

She positioned herself to sit between his legs, her back against his chest. Naturally, Cassian's arms folded around Nesta's hips and his hands found Jamie's back. He started massaging her tiny, tiny legs, hoping to ease some of her discomfort.

It was after hours and hours of torment and restless sleep in which they alternated keeping an eye on Jamie, that the baby finally stopped. She only managed a faint tired smile before passing out in her mom’s arms.

The cheers and screams of joy from all around them were like a featherlike brush at this point.

Nesta seemed on the verge of tears, and Cassian was close behind her.

“Fucking finally,” she said, placing Jamie in the egg sitting next to Cassian’s thigh.

He smirked, his eyes half closed and his mouth hanging in a yawn, “Fudging.”

Nesta elbowed him in the stomach and proceeded to lay down on the cold tiles. She rested her head on his lap and extended an arm to go over Jamie’s body, while Cassian slipped his arm above the egg’s backrest, intertwining his fingers with his wife’s.

“Do you wanna take turns?”

Nesta shook her head, already half asleep.

“I trust you. More than anyone else. Even myself.”

He squinted, holding back another yawn. He could hear the tiniest bit of irony in her voice, “You’re only saying that cause you’re dying to get some sleep, aren’t you?”

Her weary smile made his stomach twist. His hand instinctively reached out to brush her lips.

“Maybe,” she replied.

“You’re a menace.”

Keeping her eyes closed, she hummed, “You love me anyway.”

Cassian felt the moment she fell asleep, her body turning to jelly against his,and he couldn’t stop his words from coming out when, looking at her, he murmured, “That I do.”

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