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смерть и возрождение (death and rebirth) - Bucky barnes fic
Bucky’s been kidnapped by Hydra, when he escapes, he’s not quite the same...
warnings: none. maybe angst? I don't think it is though.
A/N: unedited. please reblog not repost x kind feedback is welcome but I'm fragile so, be nice pls.
James Buchanan Barnes had lived a long life. The beginning was nice. It was filled with joy and laughter and the love of friends and family and silly crushes. This is what he tries to hold on to as he closes his eyes and hears the Godforsaken words his best friend had tried to protect him from. He says a little thank you prayer to lifelong his friend, and one to whatever God is out there, for his soul.
Bucky can feel the soldier coming on, the way snow falls and covers the ground. If you blink and then look down there is no more concrete to be seen. He can hear the soft Russian laden accent of his forced companion, whispered reassurances floating around his mind. Most people would think the soldier would be an unfeeling monster but as James found, he was far from it. Strangely, it's as if the soldier really is his own entity.
"I will take care of it for you," He can hear the soldier say, "you rest," this part wasn't bad. Bucky had stopped trying to fight having consciousness while the soldier was around years ago. He couldn't stomach the things they'd make him do. But, the soldier was built for it. He was born desensitised to Hydra's violence and surprisingly had enough compassion for Bucky to try and keep the images from replaying when Bucky was back in control.
This time feels different though, James is so tired. He's been fighting for so long and really the word "rest" has never sounded more appealing to him before. Steve, bless him, had tried after getting Bucky back to give him a normal life but James knew that this was his destiny. He knew he'd always end up back here. In this chair, strapped down, a prisoner in his own mind.
He doesn't want to live like this anymore! He's finished. Then, he feels a strange sensation suddenly, something he's never felt before when going under. A heat like the sun is rising on his back, warming up all the coldest places in him. A peace like he felt in the 40's watching the sun set and dip behind the rows of Brooklyn apartments with Becca, a joy and relief like when he and Steve made it home from their tour - alive. James has an overwhelming sense of knowing now, it's his time to go. Maybe in another life, he could have what he always wanted - to see his family grow old, to have someone to grow old beside. To see children that resemble him running up and down corridors. Mayhap that's reserved for him in another life. Maybe he's suffered so much so that another version of him does not have to. In any case, Bucky can not stay any longer. But, Steve, Bucky suddenly remembers - his friend, still alive and probably hoping to find him again. "tell Steve," he says to the soldier "I love him, my best pal, he can let me go."
The Soldier has never been confused in his life. Really. He wakes up, he's told what to do, he does it, he goes to sleep. That's his life and it's not really that he's okay with it, he just doesn't know anything else. He did sometimes lurk in Barnes' memories just to see what being a man must be like - he didn't know that he was cut out for it though. Anyway - he's never confused except for right now as he feels James slipping away. Usually, James' mind is loudly protesting or his presence leaves a constant feeling of unrest and a tightened chest that the soldier has learned to live with but, right now he feels a clam like he's never felt before in James. He's so quiet. Everything is so quiet. When he hears Barnes' message for Steve he can't quite understand what he'd be wanting to leave a message for until he can't feel James anymore. It's as if theres a cold cavity where James' consciousness should be. Suddenly the tightening is back in the Soldier's chest. He's finding it hard to breathe. "Where is Barnes!" he can't help but yell, to whom he does not know. Pulling with all his strength at his restraints so he can claw at the back of his head "James!"
The handlers try to pin him down again but the soldier eliminates them with instinctual ease. He can feel the salt rivers gather at this mouth and chin, he's not sure why when they only come if he's being tortured. Everything is too much. There's too much noise, too much light, too much yelling, too many people. He has no mission yet, no purpose - the handlers hadn't even finished the trigger words Before Barnes was gone. Now there's too much space in his mind and there's not enough the soldier to fill it. Not enough personality or emotion or memories. There's not enough man.
He doesn't know he's yelling, or killing or running. He remembers the route they took when they first stole him from Hydra so he runs. He runs, taking back alleys and into the thick of tress whenever he can. It is midday the following day when the soldier finally slows to a stop. His muscles ache and blood is pumping in his ears. The rhythmic thumping of his heart muffles the noise around him and he feels that he can breathe a little easier. There is a massive wall gate in front of him, he knows that behind it lies the enemies residence and although he's never wanted anything - he wants to get in, find a bed and sleep forever. That's another thing he's never felt - exhaustion, but boy is he feeling it now. He walks slowly to the gate but then there's a disembodied voice saying "Mr. Barnes?" and he can't help but punch the little black box he believes the voice is coming from. "Mr. Barnes?" The voice says again more quietly.
"I- I don't know," The soldier frowns at his voice. He sounds like a scared little boy. He takes a moment to evaluate the situation. He didn't even know why he was here. He just thought this is what James would do if he were here... But, what would he say to James' friends? Surely they would be rid of him once they knew James was no longer here? Maybe this was a mistake. The soldier thinks about running again, but he has no where to go and he's not sure if his legs would carry him further even is he did. For some reason he didn't want to go back to Hydra. For once the soldier was awake with no orders, no one to force him to go back to sleep either... and no James to cause a ruckus in his brain. thinking about that last part makes the soldier feel heavy.
"Bucky?" He hears a cautious voice call out to him. The soldier recognises him as Steve, and feels the rivers threatening to fall. All of these feelings - the fatigue, the sadness - it's all so new and confusing and too much for the soldier. He puts his hands on his knees to ground himself. "No," says the soldier quietly so as not to scare James' friend. "I do not know what happened -"
"Why are you talking like that buddy?" Steve asks, taking a step forward. The soldier retaliates by taking one back so, Steve stops walking. "James he's. No longer here." Says the soldier scratching the back of his head. "I don't know." He cries, the more he talks about it the more hysterical he starts to feel again. "I don't know," The soldier says pacing, frantically rubbing and smacking at the sides of his head. "I don't understand -" Steve recognises all the signs of a panic attack or a break down and still he doesn't know what to do. Bucky obviously doesn't want to be touched. So he tries words.
Somehow, Steve manages to convince Bucky to come into the compound. He hasn't said a word and he's still rubbing his forehead. No smacking though - so that's an improvement. The soldier didn't know of hospitality or kindness in the way he's receiving it from his supposed enemies. He's has a warm bath, he's wearing new clothes, he ate hot food and he's wearing socks. The socks are his favourite part. His toes are no longer cold.
He recognises the people in the board room staring at him. He's fought them all before. He wonders how long it will be before they attack him. Steve is flanked his left and hasn't let him out of his sight, The red and silver robotic man with a human head stands opposite him - his eyes questioning. Behind him there's a woman on the wall. She's bronze and speaks in difficult to understand English. All the soldier knows is that she's the one who made a prison for him in James' mind. These people have been fighting for hours. Steve has not allowed his comrades to hurt him. He also refuses to believe that he's not James, so they called the bronze woman.
"So, you say you're not Bucky," The woman asks calmly.
"No," the soldier replies, his places his hands under his thighs to ground himself.
"hmm," the woman says "It's not impossible. This kind of thing is beyond science though, the way the soldier explains it..." The woman, they call her Shuri, trails off too look at Steve. "I'm sorry Steve." The room is very still, quiet like what the soldier has been wanting. But a dam breaks behind him and Steve can't stop himself from falling to the floor in a heap like someone stole all his bones. There's a strange tugging at the soldier's heart when he sees Steve's state. "I-" The soldier's first word in hours is enough to quieten Steve, "He said, before he left, to tell you," the soldier says quietly. He thinks maybe he should but his hand on Steve's shoulder, he doesn't. "You are his best pal... He loved you, but you can let him go now." He doesn't know why the salty water is wetting his face and gather at his chin so often. He wipes it away. "Sorry, Steve." The soldier says. And without another word gets up, he touches Steve's should very lightly and then makes his way out of the room.
Maybe he should leave, he thinks as he reaches the room where they allowed him to have a bath. He finds some shoes and puts them on. When he looks around the room he finds confirmation it belonged to James - there's a picture of he and Steve on the bedside table. Another of women he knows to be James' mother and sister. He uses James knowledge to find a bag and pack some clothes. He gets a wallet, it's plentiful. James' mind is still full of his belongings like the room the soldier is standing in. He feels like an imposter. The soldier knows about where he can and can not go, he knows how to drive, he know how to make a sandwich, he knows where to find a "safe house". The soldier says a silent thanks to James. He plays around with the idea of staying but something about Steve's state tells him that would never work. He will never be James. He needs to leave.
The Soldier makes his way down to where the robot-man keeps his cars. The man he recognises as the enemy who wears silly metal wings is standing in the garage as if waiting for him. "I know James and I weren't close but, do you know what he thought of me?" The man asks leaning against the car that James is meaning to take. "we weren't the closest but -"
"He didn't like your costume. He thought you were nice," This makes the man, Sam (it comes to him), laugh, though The soldier doesn't know why. It's only the truth. "Do you?" Sam asks, "Like my costume?"
"No," The soldier doesn't think about it. "the wings are too small," he adds, moving toward the car that Sam has stopped leaning on. The soldier puts his bag in the back seat. "Where are you going?" Sam asks and receives silence as an answer. The soldier only gets into the drivers seat. "You should choose a name," Sam says before The soldier can close the door. "Soldat, that's not a name." The soldier nods and turns this over in his mind. Then he closes the car door and nods at Sam when he opens the garage for him to back out of.
When he stops at a garage station to get some fuel, he sits and stares at the ID in the wallet he got from James' room. "феникс chernyshov." It was odd, how could James have known that was the name The soldier would choose for himself? Perhaps, Phoenix muses to himself after paying for the gas, as he drives away I am as much him, as he is me.
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