#happy or sad... depressed or not... at the end of the day it really does not fucking matter
The end we start from
Pairing : Astarion x female!reader/Tav
Around 1,8 words
Takes place after the events in Cazador's palace in act 3 (non-ascended Astarion, established relationship)
Angst with a happy ending (and loooots of sex) <3
Astarion doesn’t feel good enough. you show him he’s everything.
TW : 18+ MDNI, unprotected sex, very angry/angsty/rough sex, fingering, mature language, mentions of death and depression, mentions of blood
A/N : when i don’t work, i do two things: i take care of my dog and i play BG3. i don’t eat. i don’t sleep. i don’t socialize. i just play BG3. and I write stuff about *him*.
Astarion is many things. Quiet is not one of them. But lately, that’s all he’s been, and you’ve been worrying about him night and day. Tonight is no exception. You wake up in the middle of the night and realize two things : not only is Astarion’s side of the bed empty but the sheets and pillows are untouched, uncrumpled. His side hasn’t been slept in. This isn’t right. Of course, he doesn’t really need to sleep but he always, always lays next to you at night, spooning you, playing with your hair and whispering sweet I love yous in your ear until you fall asleep. His absence means something’s off. Unable to shake off the anxiety, you get up in one swift motion, determined to find him. No chance you’re falling back asleep now anyway.
Your bare feet hit the cold marble floor and you shiver as you make your way accros the bedroom in a hurry. You think of searching outside in case he went for a hunt, but it turns out you don’t have to look too far. There he is, silently leaning against the wall by the window, gazing into the pitch-black night of the Underdark. The light in the room is so dim that you couldn’t even spot him from your bed. You approach him and your heart breaks a little when you notice the lingering sadness in his crimson eyes, enhanced by the faint light of the burning candles next to him.
You want to ask him if he’s ok but it’s obvious he’s not so instead, you remain silent and close the space between the two of you, wrapping your arms around him and gently resting your head on his shoulder.
“What are you thinking about?” You ask softly after a while, your voice barely above a whisper.
Astarion averts his gaze and gives you a faint smile, nothing but a twist of lips.
“Nothing,” he replies. “I’m just being selfish, as usual. Forgive me, y/n.”
You frown and stare at him incredulously. “You’re not selfish,” you say, surprised at how intensely he means it. “Why would you even say that?”
“I –” He pauses, rethinks his words. This does nothing to make you less worried. “I caused you great pain,” he finally says. “I put you in danger. Repeatedly, ever since we met. You could have died a hundred times and it would have been my own, entire fault.”
You look up to him and feel a lump form in your throat. You have never seen him look like this – grief in his eyes and etched into the lines of his face.
“I’m not dead, Astarion. I’m right here with you.” You say as you wrap your arms around his neck. He makes a sound somewhere near a sob and your arms tighten.
“But I did put you in danger and now you’re stuck with me for eternity, in the middle of nowhere, and you—" Again, he stops. He’s bad at this, at talking about emotions. But he fights through it because it’s you. And nothing can be left unsaid between the two of you. Not after everything that’s happened. “You deserve so much better. You deserve the world, and I can’t give it to you.” You’re not sure where this conversation is going but you don't want to find out. His lower lip quiver but he goes on, words spilling out of him like blood from a wound. “I can’t give it to you, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for it. It’s killing me all over again.” You crumble under each one of his words. His lips are trembling now and you can’t stand it. You can’t but you can’t do him the dishonor of looking away either.
“Astarion, I chose this life.” Your hands flutter to his face, each one cupping a cold cheek, forcing him to look at you. Your heart is pounding, and you know he can feel it. “I had a choice; I could stay, or I could run, and I chose you. I’m not stuck here. I’m home.”
Astarion heaves a faltering breath in an attempt at composure. “Sometimes I think you would be happier without me. Better off.” He barely mouths the words, but you hear them all distinctively, nonetheless. “You should go and leave me here. Walk in the sun. Be happy and live your life.” You draw your hands away from his face and he steps back, speaking louder now.
“It won’t get any better in here,” he continues, gesturing urgently around the room. “It’ll always be cold and dark, I’ll always be a blood-thirsty monster. I belong to the shadows, and I’ll never be able to make you happy, so you might as well just leave.”
His words knock the air out of your lungs and, for a moment, you cannot breathe. You feel your pulse pounding in your veins and blood thrumming under your skin as your heartbreak turns into anger. That fucking idiot, you think, looking up at him through eyes blurred with tears.
“You don’t know what makes me happy. You don’t,” you shout, surprised by the vehemence in your voice. "And you certainly don't get to speak for me." Astarion looks at you in such confusion that you almost feel bad for a moment, but you continue.
“You – you make me happy, Astarion, gods you do. I would rather live an eternity in the Underdark with you than one more day in the fucking sun.” Your heart is clenching in your chest, and you can feel the heat pooling in your cheeks. “By no means would I be better off, let alone happier, without you. I can’t believe that you could even think –” You trail off and sigh in frustration. You can’t bring yourself to scream at him any longer because that’s all he’s ever known before you, screams and shouts and abuse, and you can’t do this to him. But that doesn’t leave you with many options to get through to him. Astarion opens his mouth to say something, but you don’t let him.
Without warning you grab his shirt to pull him close and your lips crash into his, knocking the breath out of both of you with the force that you collide with. It only fuels your rage because the moment his lips are on yours, you can’t help thinking that you almost lost this once and you can’t actually lose it. You won’t let that happen. So you kiss him harder. It’s rough and desperate and sloppy. It's harsh breath and biting teeth.
He turns you around and backs you against the wall. You take it rather hard, but you welcome the sting. Anything to shut him up about not being good enough for you. He crowds in closer, presses you even harder against the wall, shoving his knee between your thighs. His cold lips connect to your throat, making you eagerly tilt your head to give him access to your thrumming pulse dancing at your neck. You have absolutely no qualms about it. If he wants it, it’s his.
But he doesn’t take it. Instead, his mouth sucks and licks, making you squirm and rock your hips against him. You cling to him, grabbing his shoulders and sliding your hands down his shirt and to his back. He hoists you up like you weighed nothing and you wrap both legs around his waist. You tangle your hands in his curly silver hair and pull him forward to feel that mouth on yours again. His tongue running over your lip makes you grind faster, searching for more, more, more. You moan when his hand reaches beneath your gown and through your damp underwear.
Firm, icy fingers are stroking you into madness. You make a sound that’s close to a whimper, but more like a groan, because damn it, you are so impatient now. You are clenching – aching to have him inside.
He is gasping at the feeling of your fluttering around him, and you must be gasping too, but you’re not sure; your head falls back and it feels like you’re breathing, but you could just as well be drowning.
You dig your nails hard into his back - you need to channel the anger into something. Maybe you’ll be the one drawing blood this time. You lean forward to rest your dizzy head on his shoulder and groan in anticipation. Not wasting anymore time, he pushes his hard, large cock into you, going steadily until he’s all the way in.
“Harder. Fuck me harder.” You plead and he obeys.
He sets a pace that graces all the right spots, spurred on the increasingly desperate noises escaping your mouth. This is no effort at all for him, holding you up easily and fucking you hard with determination. But you can see it when you rest your forehead against his – the sheer weakness you feel is reflected right back at you and you know he needs this just as much as you do.
You are so close. You need to concentrate on breathing, just so you simply don’t die. Your lower back thuds against the wardrobe with your oh gods and fucks singing in tandem. The vampire trails open-mouthed kisses and little bites down your neck while maintaining the almost vicious pace in and out of you. Every stroke curls and loves and breaks you into submission. You forget to be angry because your release is in his hands and your body is desperately handing itself over to him.
Your thighs start to quiver around him, the sounds of wetness and the feeling of his own explosion of pleasure deep inside you taking you so high that eventually, you shatter into him. You’re so grateful for the strength holding you up, so you can fall apart.
Your repeatedly moan his name on your way back to consciousness, lips brushing softly against his pale skin.
Before you know what is happening, you break into a sob.
“Please…. Please don’t ever tell me to leave, ever again.” You try to articulate, your voice shaking uncontrollably.
He sinks down onto his knees, holding you in his lap and whispering, “Shh,” into your ear.
“I’m so sorry,” he says, his voice is low and full of gravel. He never sounded so sweet. “I love you, always have and always will. And you’re not going anywhere.”
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Hi Dr Tingle
Thank you so much for your work, your words really speak a lot to me. I was wondering how do you get to that feeling of joy? I think I’ve forgotten how to feel and I would very much like to know how you get to that feeling.
Thank you for your existence
oh this is great question first of all gotta say thank you for phrasing this way and asking what CHUCK does, not what YOU should do. i will not tell others what THEY need to do (that kind of thing is always dang red flag for chuck) but i would love to share my own journey.
finding joy has a lot of paths and roadblocks and it is different for all buckaroos. sometimes there is chemical imbalance or trauma or you are trapped in a endless maze of harmful patterns, and sometimes life is just difficult in a very average everyday way that IN ITSELF is overwhelming. just existing is A LOT bud.
here is why i am usually very happy and in a state of joy: way of GRATITUDE. now keep in mind this is not that simple and my words are not cure all for every bud, but if it helps i will explain my thoughts.
THE CALL OF THE LONESOME TRAIN is the awareness that our time here in this reality will end, and this call is a double edged sword. it can haunt you and bring great sadness, and it can tear your dang heart out when someone you love has to board. but for chuck it is also the source of my gratitude and motivation.
i am constantly aware that i will eventually have a LAST DAY on this timeline. i do not know when or where or how i will board the lonesome train, but it is a guarantee this time will come. if i picture myself on this day, lets say lyin in a dang hospital bed, i know that personally i will REALLY NOT WANT TO LEAVE. on this last day surrounded by loved ones everything has VALUE. i will think 'just one last walk in the park' 'just one last kiss' 'just one last chocolate milk' 'just one last quiet moment looking at the way light moves on the floor from the window'
i will have SO MUCH GRATITUDE FOR EVERYTHING ON MY LAST DAY and think 'i would pay a million dollars for one final trot around the block'. but here is the thing: EVERY DAY HAS THAT MUCH VALUE WE JUST DO NOT HAVE THE PERSPECTIVE TO REALIZE IT. every moment is all just grains of sand and those grains are always the same sand, we just assign different value to them.
so when i wake up in the morning i often think 'one day i will look back and give anything to be here,' even if it is a stormy day, or i have a difficult task or a hard talk ahead. even if i am sick or tired or depressed. i am aware that as a human being trotting through this reality i am going to tend to UNDERVALUE the present. and then i try to give the present the value it deserves.
hope that helps bud. my way is not the 'correct' way and maybe you can find a better one for yourself, but it might be worth giving this technique a shot if you would like. maybe you can adjust and find a good balance that is all your own. LOVE IS REAL
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hiiiiiii, is there any way you could do a request with lando where reader feels like she’s not good enough for him and keeps comparing himself to his exs and she kind gets depressed, and lando doesn’t notice it at first but than sees she’s not herself and ask what’s wrong and she breaks down. with a happy ending of course! if you can thank you!!!!!
A Delusion in Your Head - LN
This might get sad, maybe a little deep. Gonna be BIG on reader ripping into herself and scrutinising even the fact she's insecure.
We're going with mid-size!reader x Lando
Lando's obsession with y/n was meant to be temporary, a passing phase. At least in y/n's head that's what it should've been. But every day he seems to practically need her more and more.
But it's doesn't matter how much if feels like things might last. Nothing changes the real truth.
Y/n simply isn't good enough for Lando. Now this could be insecurities speaking, it could his fans who make a point of sending even more hate to her than his exes, or it could really be the toxic combination of both.
"Put that damn phone down and focus on me." Lando jokes locking y/n's phone as he grabs it from her hand tosses it onto a pile of clothes on the floor, then collapsing on top of her. "Guess what."
Y/n looks at him for a moment, still trying to mentally process the comments she just read about herself on Twitter.
"Y/n?" Lando urges making her jump a little.
"Sorry I was thinking." She lies before sighing and frowning in actual thought this time since Lando doesn't accept anything other than a genuine guess. "Zak has got another McLaren driver who should actually part-time as a model?"
Lando rolls his eyes at her before putting his hand over her mouth when she takes a breath to make yet another speech about how McLaren should double as a model agency. He's heard about it more than once.
"No. I have a new helmet design for 100 races. It's going to be 100 stickers. Each one specially designed for every race."
"Can I see the stickers?" Y/n asks getting genuinely excited for this now.
There's brief moments that Lando can successfully distract her from the insecurities that are slowly eating away at her soul. He definitely doesn't realise that's even what he's doing but it is and she is latching onto these moments when they come along, but they just never last long enough for her.
"Of course you can, baby." Lando grins and while there's that same warm feeling flooding her that always appears when Lando looks at her with that smile. But it doesn't clear the dark fog in her mind like it usually does. "We can grab something to eat and I'll show you some of the designs."
Food is the last thing y/n needs but there is no way she's going to concern Lando about it. It's only once she sits down that she creates a fake excuse.
"I just realised, I just ate because I thought you'd be eating later and I was hungry earlier. But you go ahead." Y/n states, knowing that actually it's completely believable since Lando was supposed to be busy for most of the day.
"Are you sure?" Lando frowns making her nod and smile as she is handed his phone. "Ok. You look through the designs. I want to know your favourite."
Y/n nods smiling as he leans down to kiss her.
"I love you." Lando smiles gently brushing her cheek with his thumb.
Some might mistake this as Lando noticing her slightly upset attitude, but she's hidden it well enough and this is completely normal Lando behaviour. He'll find any excuse to kiss her, and he'll do it for no reason if he can't find a reason. He just loves her that much.
Too bad she doesn't deserve it and she'll never understand why.
"I like the Hungry 2021 bowling pin design...it's too accurate."
"Yeah, it is." Lando laughs while pulling her chair closer and pulling her legs over his lap. "Are you sure you're not hungry? Not even a bite?"
"No. You go ahead. I'm good."
-
Y/n will never hate Lando but when he posted a picture on his lando.jpg account which didn't even directly have her in it, but instead the reflection of her in a window on their holiday between races. She's wearing a bikini and it's a pretty clear reflection, she has a feeling the intention was to capture in a more artistic way.
The comments made her cry to the point faking illness to stay in the hotel still Sunday and even then she had to fight the thoughts consuming her.
"Baby, if you weren't feeling well you don't have to come to the race." Lando states walking into the bathroom where she's been trying to scrub at her face then considering make up. But tears have already built in her eyes. "Baby? Baby, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong." Y/n states wiping at her eyes and smiling. "Got some stupid cleanser in my eyes."
The look on Lando's face tells her that he's not buying it for a second.
"Baby, what the hell is going on?"
"I'll tell you...but not until after the race, ok?" Y/n compromises knowing she'd not forgive herself if she told him and he couldn't get in the right mindset and it's not going to be an easy conversation. "It's nothing too scary. I promise."
"You mean it?"
"I mean it." Y/n smiles not quite managing to get it to reach her eyes making Lando's chest ache before he closes the space between them trying to kiss her in reassurance that everything is going to be ok. She melts a little against him, but breaks the kiss soon enough then smiling at him and patting his chest. "We should get moving."
"Ok." Lando nods lightly while picking up her hand to link to his own then kissing the back of it as she lets him guide her out of there. "Are you warm enough?"
He's trying to lighten the mood gesturing to her hoodie and jeans, both of which are baggy. On trend for fashion right now and he loves the outfit on her, the same way he loves any outfit on her. He also loves her out of those clothes. He really loves her dressed in anything.
His mind wonders just thinking about y/n while he drives them to the paddock and they get passed the security gate.
Lando doesn't waste time getting to the unit, trying to stop and take pictures of sign stuff while making sure y/n doesn't escape his hold like usual and try to go ahead without him. She does it just so she doesn't get in the way, or at least that's what she tells him.
Truth is that she's seen people accidentally catch her in a picture and post it online saying that they were so happy to meet Lando but it sucks she ruined the photo.
"Hey, baby. You can grab some breakfast, I'll catch up with you later before the race ok?"
"Ok." Y/n nods before swallowing thickly and shifting a little which catches his attention. "Don't fuss. I'm fine."
"You're not fine." Lando argues deciding he won't tolerate it. He wants to know what's going on and he doesn't want to wait till after the race. "Baby, we are both better than this. I'm not going anywhere till you tell me...I'll miss the race."
He won't. Zak would kill him.
Y/n swallows biting her top before she rubs her eyes as they tear up making Lando's hard exterior to push her to tell him soften as he moves over, pulling her to his chest.
"Baby, what is it? What is hurting you?" Lando asks really just desperate by this point. "What is it, baby? Please I can't keep going with my day knowing you're hurting like this."
"I'm...How can you date me when I'm nothing like your exes?" Y/n asks not being able to look at him when the words pass her lips but he steps as if she just kicked him in the gut.
"What?"
"I'm not a model-" oh now she's going "-I'm not like your exes...I'm never going to be like them. I just...I don't understand how you can go from a 10 like her to me. It doesn't make sense and I'm not the only who thinks so. It feels like it's going this is going to end and one day you'll reveal that you were just dared to date me or something."
Lando's voice fails him, not sure what hurts more. Seeing how little she values herself when he'd pull the moon and stars out the sky if she said she wanted them for herself. Or that she thinks he'd ever date her as some sore of game or joke.
There has never been a person to exist who equals how Lando feels about y/n, he doesn't know how he's meant to live his life knowing that she is easily the most irreplaceable person to ever bless his life and he can't even put into words what he means when he says he loves her.
"This is not a dare. This so fucking real, y/n. I...I love you so much, it hurts when you're not around. I love you. I love you so much that if you asked me to stop F1, I would-"
"I would never-"
"No. And that makes me love you even more because you wouldn't. Y/n, for fuck sake. I don't care about my ex, she's my ex for a reason and I moved on to better. Which is you, you are better than anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life with you...and you can be insecure, so long as you know that I love you exactly the way you are, exactly how you were when I met you and I'll love you not matter how you change as we get older. You don't have to think you're the most perfect person on the planet for me to disagree with you and say you are." Lando states also getting into it and not being able to stop himself. "Whatever anyone has to say or thinks, who fucking cares? It's not their relationship, I don't want anyone else to think they're important enough that their voice means a thing."
The tears have long since been a waterfall of running water from her eyes. She's shaking her head as he talks till his hands move up to cup her face.
"I love you and if I wanted my ex or someone like my ex, you know me well enough that I wouldn't waste time. But I want you, I will never love anyone the way I love you and I have never felt like that about any ex."
She's actually trembling in his hold, only steadying herself by holding his top.
"We're grabbing breakfast then you're sticking with me for the rest of the day...aside from the race. But other than that, you're stuck with me."
"No, please baby. I don't want to effect the whole day. Please just go on as normal. You've said everything I didn't know I needed to hear." Y/n states shaking her head while Lando sighs not wanting to even think about leaving her side.
"I love you, I really really love you...can you stay in the garage at least?"
"Yeah, I'll stay in the garage."
"Ok."
-
Despite Lando not being at the height of focus, because y/n was right. Lando manages to take a podium and while he celebrates like always and makes sure his team feels the good energy and happiness. Truth be told he's ready to get out of the paddock pretty quickly.
"We're going on a date, baby." Lando declares as they step into the hotel room.
"What? Now?" Y/n frowns making Lando nod and grin at her while she sighs, not being able to hide her smile that's forming. "And what exactly are we doing for this?"
"I can't tell you baby." Lando jokes then smiling at her. "I'm taking my girlfriend for dinner, if that's ok?"
Y/n looks at him for a moment then biting her lip.
"I need to change...and put make up on."
"That's ok, I'll wait and we can go when you're ready." Lando smiles while moving. "I need to get changed too anyway."
Lando shouldn't feel like he neglected his girlfriend but he does. So he has to put in the effort to make sure she feels like she is getting all the love and attention he thinks she deserves. Even if it's excessive.
When she appears, Lando takes a moment to appreciate getting to see her in her usual choice of fashion because while he loves her wearing anything. Seeing her wear exactly her choice of outfit.
"Don't look at me like that." Y/n murmurs while Lando grins at her.
"Why?"
"Because-"
"You look so beautiful. How am I meant to not look at you like this?" Lando smiles moving towards her and kissing her softly a couple times. "I love you."
"I love you too." Y/n sighs softly as he tucks a some hair behind her ear, and moves his hand down to gently cup her face, being careful not to disturb her make up.
"Let's get going. I'm treating you like you should be getting treated." Lando declares making her sigh softly and look at him for a moment. "You don't have to agree with me about how much you're worth, but I'll not stop myself from treating you like you're the best person on the plenty."
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can you write about gavi being super depressed and is not taking care of himself and yn realizes it?
Hard times
Ever since the injurty, Gavi completely changed... he was no longer the smily happy boy running around the field and making jokes with everyone.
His face was more grim every day, and he spoke less. As his girlfriend, you've noticed these changes recently and tried talking to him but one thing that always stays the same is how stubborn he is.
"I tried talking to him, but he just brushes it off" you explained to Aurora who came by with Belen to visit the two of you. Pablo didn't want to bother them and make them stay in Barcelona for long knowing they have their own jobs to go back to, and he had you by his side always.
"It's hard for him to go through this in the peak of his career, querida. Just be patient and he'll open up to you" Belen explained and you listened to the wiser older woman carefully. After all, she knew her son best.
"Maybe we can get him to see someone, if that might help?" Aurora suggested but we all knew how Pablo sees doctors. It will be like trying to convince a scared child to get a vaccine.
Pablo entered the room and we suddenly stopped talking greeting him with a smile.
"They brought your favorite fruits, cariño ..." you say and he shrugs his shoulders plopping down on the couch while you walked to the kitchen knowing it was the time for his medications.
"Does it still hurt you, hermano?" Aurora asked noticing the way he was massaging his leg when he raised it onto the bed.
"Yeah ... especially at night. But I didn't tell her anything, she worries too much you know" he explains looking towards you with a first smile he created in days.
"Maybe you should, she's scared that you're shutting out ..." Belen said and he sighed knowing that he really did become distant and cold recently ... everything just seemed to agitate him but he didn't want to take it out on you.
"Here, cariño your medicine" you came back and he groaned sick and tired of all the pills, physicals and scans ... he just wanted this nightmare to end.
"I'm gonna go to the bedroom, they make me sleepy" he said leaving quickly and you nodded sitting down quite sad.
"You sure you don't want to eat something?" you ask but he shakes his head.
"Not hungry ..." he said quickly and you nodded continuing to spend time with him family.
At night, you felt him shifting and turning constantly woken up and you turned to check what's wrong with him. His face said the whole story ... he was in pain.
"Amor, why didn't you wake me earlier? I can massage it for you if you'd like" you offer but he tossed the blankets off himself reaching for his crutches and standing up on his own.
"Just go to sleep. I'll be in the living room cause I'm more comfortable there" he said not giving you a chance to reply before leaving.
The bed was cold and foreign ... you were really missing him.
Next morning when it was time to take him to physical, you couldn't find him in the living room but then you heard him from the guest bathroom. You walked in and there he was sitting on the floor throwing up into the toilet.
"It's okay, amor ... let it out" you sat besides him grabbing a wet cold cloth and placing it on his forehead while he cried closing the toiled at falling into your arms.
"I'm useless ... I can't even walk let alone play on that level again" he was wheezing from tears and you played his his hair letting him talk to you.
"Listen to me, cariño ... these are extremely hard times, but we're in it together. You need to start taking care of yourself if you want to recover fully, and you need to start talking to me about it. " you spoke and he listened like a scared child.
"I need you to start eating again, the pills are strong and that makes you sick. When it hurts, I need you to tell me so I can help. And when you need to cry, you do in on my shoulder okay?" you say and he nods sniffling while you kiss his forehead.
You helped him up towards the living room, preparing some warm soup to help his stomach pains before bringing the warming compress for his knee.
"I feel like a baby ..." he admits when you start feeding him soup and you smile nodding your head and kissing his lips a few times lovingly.
"You are my baby ... my stubborn baby. Now eat" you say and he finished the soup before you gave him medicine and checked on his physical appointment.
"It's not until four, so rest up ..." you tell him and he nods playing some random Barça Youth game on the screen before opening his arms towards you.
"Cuddles please?" he said adorably and your heart melted ... your boy was back!!!
"I thought you'd never ask again" you smile laying in his arms careful to keep his leg comfortable and he kissed the top of your head taking in your familiar scent.
"Did you sleep at all last night amor?" he said and you shook your head.
"I know you can't sleep without me besides you ...rest preciosa, I'll be right here" he whispered into your ear and you blushed nodding your head and slowly closing your eyes feeling secure in his strong embraces.
I really hope he's taking care of himself 🥺🥺🥺
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The Aftermath
Hello Tumblr and Hello readers.
This is Part 3 of Monthly visits. I really hope you enjoy it. I’m already working on Part 4, so hopefully you won’t have to wait that much. Does this part end in a cliffhanger? Yes. Am I sorry about it? No.
Let me know if I should continue this series. Hope you enjoy this!
The past few days have been incredibly challenging for you. Ava's room was finally finished, so you had to help her move to the room and Lucia finally decided to join La Masia, so you went with her to sign the contract.
Things with Alexia have been really in a weird place. You still remember vividly your conversation with her that day after she called for a break.
"So you want a break from me or the kids?" You ask, nearly crying, changing your position on the bed to sitting, waiting for an answer.
"I don't know, okay! These past few weeks have been overwhelming; I thought I could handle it. Then, Mom began talking about holidays and Christmas, and I guess I didn't think about it before? I don't know, it feels like my life has been changing so much, and I can't keep up anymore." She says clearly, in a very anxious state. "And above all of this, there is the World Cup, and I have all this pressure put on me, and I just want to disappear." She gets out sobbing, making your heartbreak.
"Hey, hey, look at me." You gently take her face, turning it to you, wiping away her tears. "Since when has this been going on?"
"Since I got called up for the World Cup."
"So two months ago." You say more to yourself. "Why didn't you tell me anything?"
"You had already been dealing with your problems; I didn't want to add to anything."
"You are not a problem to me, okay? If you are happy, I am happy. If you are sad, I am sad. Whatever you need, I'll always be with you. I love you. And I know I don't say it much, but I probably should have. I love you." You began leaving small kisses on her face, trying to kiss away the tears, "What do you need?"
"I need not feel so broken and out of control of my feelings." She says, keeping her gaze down.
"It's alright to feel broken every once in a while, and it's alright to feel out of control. If you need time, I can give it to you. I'd rather lose you for a while than for the rest of my life. I'd wait a thousand lifetimes for you because you are worth waiting for. So when you are ready. I'll be right here." Your eyes start to water, too, as you understand what this entails. You shift on your bed, hugging her.
"I love you so much, Alexia. I don't know what I would do without you. You really changed my life for the better. You are the love of my life. The only person I imagine spending my life with. And I swear to God, or whatever is up there, that one day I'm going to marry you, and I'll finally feel like I deserve your love."
"You know, you never said that."
"What?"
"That you wanted to marry me." She smiles shyly, keeping her head on your shoulder, hiding in the crook of your neck.
"Of course I do. I can't wait to be your wife and call you that." You pause, taking a deep breath, making her move her head to look at you. "But before that, you must focus on yourself and be good and happy. I want a happy wife, okay? Not the depressed ones you see in the movies that drink an absurd amount of wine and pass out. I want you to be happy. And if, eventually, I am not part of that happiness, I still want to see you happy." She nods, giving you a light kiss on your hand. "I want you to have fun at the World Cup and kick ass, okay? If you ever need me, I'm a phone call away."
That night was the last time you saw her. You told yourself you wouldn't call or look at her Instagram; it would be too painful. So you decided to distract yourself, of course, still having as first priority the kids.
-
The first thing you did was go to the pitch. You decided to take Lucia and Ava with you, the older girl was about to start the season in Barcelona B, and you couldn't be happier for her.
You were practicing free kicks and penalties. You and Lucia were in a clear competition while Ava was just there having fun with the ball. After a while, Ava got bored, so she decided to stay on the sidelines in the shadow playing some games on your phone, which left you and Lucia on the pitch.
"Where is Alexia, by the way? I haven't seen her all morning." She asks out of the blue, catching you off guard.
"She left for the World Cup." You reply coldly, quickly passing the ball from one foot to the other, then shooting hard to the goal post, scoring a top bin.
"Aren't they leaving in like two days?" She replies, clearly not getting the point.
"Aren't you asking a lot of questions?" You glare at her, then realize that your tone slightly hurt Lucia. "I'm really sorry, Lucia. I didn't mean to snap at you like that."
"No problem, I'm used to it anyways." She rolls her eyes, closing off, then walks away.
You were feeling guilty; you really didn't want to hurt her feeling, so you told her the truth, "She left."
"What?" She turns around, looking at you.
You take a deep breath, "She left me."
"Wait, what? You broke up?" She says, shocked at the revelation, fully turning her body to you, taking a step towards you.
"I don't know. I'm sorry I snapped at you; you took me off guard with the question, and I still haven't fully processed it."
"It's okay. I just overreacted." She pauses. "I'm really sorry about Alexia. Do you need a hug?" She asks awkwardly.
You chuckle. "No. It's better not. If you will, I'll start crying. And I am an ugly crier, especially when it comes to Alexia. And I don't think none of us want to experience that."
"Are you going to be okay?"
"I will be." You release a shaky exhale. "Now, let's go back home. Ava here is getting too bored." You wrap your arm around Lucia's shoulder and take her to her sister.
-
As you get back home, you decide to go and take a shower, and there you silently cry until no tears are left. You then change into something comfy and go outside to your garden, trying to get some fresh air, and for the first time during the day, you check your phone. There were multiple missed calls from Alba and one from one of your best friends, Mapi. You knew that you had to call back both women, so you opted to go first with Alba. You knew it would be a sad call and hoped that calling Mapi after would cheer you up.
Spoiler Alert: It didn’t.
You take a deep breath and call Alba; she almost immediately picks up.
"Y/n, are you okay?" Alba asks almost immediately, quite sadly. You really didn't want her to pity you.
"You already know the answer, Alba." You smile sadly, "How is she?" You couldn't not ask about her; even though you tried to keep some distance, you still wanted to know how she was doing.
"She is miserable and guilty but knows she must focus on herself now."
"Did you tell her she doesn't have to feel guilty?"
“Y/n.” She replies sternly. "She might be my sister, but that doesn't mean I must agree with everything she does."
"Alba, we know how your sister deals with the pressure and anxiety. Alexia has always been very sensitive. She doesn't deal well with that kind of thing; when she was younger, she had her father and football that kept her going on and deal with the pressure. Now she only has football. You can't take that away from her."
"But she can take you out of her life?"
"That is an unfair question." You clench your jaw, trying to keep at bay your own feelings.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry."
"Just know that I only want what is best for your sister, and if she really wants to, she will return; I really hope she will."
"She will." She says a little too sternly. "Or else she won't hear the end of it from me and Mom."
"Just please, stay with her, support her, and care for her. She needs it now more than ever for this World Cup."
You soon end the call after that, and after taking a minute to ground yourself, you call your best friend. She, too, picks up very quickly.
“Y/N!” She screams in your ear excitedly, .
"How was Norway? Did you already come back? Are you already in Barcelona?" You reply as excited as you can, given the circumstances.
"Norway isn't that bad; I missed Barcelona though; Ingrid made it worth it. How are you? How's Alexia?" You could feel her smile through the phone.
"Mapi, you have been away for a month; I have some news to share, big news, actually."
"Oh my God, did you get engaged?" She replies excitedly; without making your reply, she continues, "Oh my God, I'm so happy for you guys! And yes, of course, I will be your maid of honor, and yes, of course, I already planned your bachelorette par-"
"Maria calmate, I didn't get engaged." You reply sadly while feeling utterly sick to your stomach from the sadness of the situation.
"Then what is the big news to share?"
"I think I need to tell you in person about it."
"Oh, you can't leave me hanging like that!"
"Come over, and I'll tell you." You say, nearly reaching your point of total exasperation, you knew she wouldn't budge, but you also knew it was best to tell her in person that you have children now.
"A small hint?"
Losing your patience from your long day, you went straight to the point, "I adopted two children, and Alexia and I are on a break." You say, feeling a knot closing your throat.
"Ha ha, a good joke; tell me the truth."
"Mapi, I'm not joking." You say while your voice is wavering. She never heard you cry.
"I'm coming over." With that, she closes the call leaving you with a small tear running down your cheek.
You go inside and find the two girls watching something on TV.
"So girls, change of plans; a friend of mine is coming over, so you will meet them."
"Is it someone from the team?" Lucia asks.
You nod, "Guess."
"I know you are friends with Mapi; is it her?" Ava says excitedly.
"Yes, it is her, but that doesn't change anything. Bedtime is always at the same time."
"But-"She tries to find an excuse, but you interrupt her, "No buts, you will definitely see more of her, so don't worry." She lightly pouts, reminding you of Alexia and how she uses the same facial expression.
When you hear the doorbell ring, you open the door, finding your best friend in front of you for the first time in a month. You share a hug, then she asks, "So what happened? What is all this about?" Trying to make sense of what you said in the phone call. "Or was this a way to make me come over?" She gives you a mischievous smirk.
"Even though I missed you, it's not. I'll let you meet the kids, and we can talk later, okay?"
"So it wasn't a joke?" You shake your head, annoyed, "Then this 'talk' will take a while.”
She enters your home and makes her meet the girls. In the beginning, Ava was very shy, hiding a little behind you. But, as soon as Mapi began asking for her attention, she gladly gave it to her. Whereas Lucia was trying to keep it cool.
Your teammate, in the meantime, was giving the older girl a weird look as if she was trying to remember something.
"Do I know you from somewhere?" She asks, mostly rhetorically. Your friend had a memory of steel. "Wait, you were the girl that won the meet and greet."
Lucia shyly nods.
"I remember you because you were the first kid I met after joining Barcelona. You were so excited to meet your favorite players. But then, when you found out that Alexia and Y/n weren't there, you were so sad." She chuckled. "You must be happy living with your favorite player now." She says while looking at her smirking and then glancing at you.
"Oh yeah, they never shut up about Alexia. It's so annoying." You chuckle, crossing your arms, looking at both girls as if you unveiled one of their secrets.
"Oh no, if I'm not wrong, Alexia wasn't your favorite player," You could see Lucia changing expression in one instance, trying to communicate with Mapi to stop talking, she was shaking her head, widening her eyes. She was embarrassed, and you could see it from miles away. "Your favorite player was Y/n Y/ln." She chuckles.
You turn around facing her, utterly shocked, wearing a proud smirk.
"She couldn't stop talking about how much she loved to see you play and how she couldn't wait for you to win the Champions League. It was quite cute, actually."
"Now. Now. Lucia. Now that I have this information, you know you'll never hear the end of it, right?" You chuckle a little, making the girl slightly blush from the embarrassment but quickly recovering.
"You really had to say it?" Lucia asks Mapi, shaking her head.
"Of course she did! Do you want an autograph?" You joke.
"Oh my God! Stop it!" She says, smiling, clearly not enjoying your teasing.
"Lucia, pay some respect to your favorite player!" Mapi retorts, then she bursts out laughing.
"Yeah, Lucia! Pay some respect. In this household, we don't condone this disrespect, especially when talking about your idols." You finish the teasing while she rolls her eyes, "Moving on, who's up for some food?" You ask, turning to the three girls around you.
You decided to order pizza again; you really had to begin doing some serious grocery shopping.
You were so happy that your best friend met the two girls that you loved so much, and you were even more delighted when you saw that they got along great; it was nearly perfect. Only a person missed for it to be perfect.
That night you played games together, and when it was time to go to bed, Ava apprehensively went to bed after some convincing.
"I think I'm going to bed, too," Lucia said soon after her sister left for her room.
"You know you don't have to; if you want, you can stay with us." You offer.
"Nah, don't worry. I'm tired, and I have some episodes that I have to catch up with." She says, heading to her room. "Goodnight!" She says, while you and Mapi reply in the same way.
-
After a month of not seeing each other, you were left alone with your best friend.
"So, the girls are great!" She says, clearly trying to begin all the explanations you had to give her.
"Before I begin explaining everything, I need a drink." You go to your kitchen, open the first bottle of wine, and then go outside with your friend.
You sit at the table, basically downing your glass of wine. You took a deep breath then you began explaining everything to her. First, how you met the kids and what made you adopt them, then you talked about what happened with Alexia, reserving some of the most private details.
"She told me she needed a break because she was getting too overwhelmed, and of course, I let her."
"She's an idiot. She'll come to her senses, believe me. You and her work so well together; it's almost annoying. I don't think I could ever see you guys break up." You knew that she would be sad about Alexia leaving you, as she was the person that indirectly put you two together in the first place.
"Me too. But I guess nothing good ever works out perfectly." You reply sadly, looking at your glass of wine just poured. "I even bought a ring; I would propose after the World Cup. I had everything planned. Our honeymoon, the wedding date, everything. I'm so delusional." You realize, sadly.
"Hey, hey, Y/n, you are not delusional." She reassures you, taking your hand. You look up at her with glassy eyes, looking at her skeptically. "She wants the same things as you do. It might not seem like it right now, but you'll have your happy ending in the future."
"You know what I hate about all of this? The fact I still don't know what made her decide to want to leave me. Is it me? The kids? She said she couldn't deal with the constant pressure anymore, but what made her change her mind about me? Fuck! Am I not enough? In those three years that we've been together, we've gone through so much, from dealing with my own shit to her ACL; I thought that what we had was good, great even. I thought that taking the next step would be the best thing, you know, she would give me hints too that she was waiting for the proposal. So I thought she was sure about us, but I guess I was wrong? I don't know. I really don't know." You sniff, trying to keep in tears, then you quickly backtrack. "I'm really sorry; I shouldn't be dumping you like that; I know I am talking about one of your best friends too."
"No, Y/n, you can talk to me about it. You are one of my best friends too, okay? And I'm here for you. For whatever you need. And now that you have kids. Thanks for telling me right away, by the way," She remarks ironically, earning a chuckle from you, "I'll be the best aunt they ever had."
"I know you will." You give her a faint smile.
--
--
From your talk with Mapi, you realized one thing, which is that the kids should be your first priority, and everything else would come second.
You tried to deal with Alexia leaving after three years of relationship, in many ways. Normal people would think that you went to therapy, as this whole situation was making your abandonment issues from your parents surf up, but instead, you coped differently: watching Grey's Anatomy, the first seasons obviously.
That show was oddly comforting for you, for many people, such as Alexia, were adamant about watching it at first. You tried to convince her to watch it for three years, but she never budged. So now that she is gone, you thought it was the best time to watch it again. You usually watch it after Ava’s bedtime. You would put it on your TV for a couple of episodes. Initially, you didn't go in order; you just watched the most painful episodes. In all of this, Lucia would be like Alexia; she would roll her eyes when you watched the show and then go and mind her own business. You often offered her to come and watch it with you, but she wouldn't; you jokingly called her a girl full of prejudice, while she replied that she wasn't as lame and soft as you. But you could definitely see her stealing some glances at the show.
What you didn't know was that Lucia and Mapi were keeping in touch. A phone call happened, and Lucia told your best friend that you began watching the show; needless to say, Mapi was concerned because she knew that you only watched the show when you were on the verge of a mental breakdown. She told Lucia that she would be coming over soon, as she left town for a couple of days. But you still didn't know that.
That left you one night while you were watching a really intense episode. Lucia came out of the kitchen, passing through the living room, trying to get to her room, but she suddenly stopped looking at the screen. "Wait. Where is the brunette? The best friend of Meredith, I think. Wasn't she supposed to be in the show from day one?"
"She left," you replied, not taking your eyes away from the screen.
"Wait. What?" She says surprised, taking a seat next to you. You gave her a pillow.
"Yep."
"Is it okay if you put an episode from the beginning?" She asks shyly. You beam at her and switch on to the first episode.
And that is how Lucia began watching Grey's Anatomy. And what shocked you the most was that she was an emotional kid, and she got really invested really quickly, but what was funny was that she tried to hide it, but she never managed to do it properly, silently sobbing when characters died.
A week after, you were so invested that you watched it in all of your free time. You knew that it wasn't healthy. Especially for you, but it looked like she was enjoying herself, so who were you to stop her from watching something she loved.
That day you were watching the bomb episode; Ava left with Nico to get some stuff for his shop, leaving you and Lucia with time to kill, so you put on the show, and both decided you were up for a show marathon. As you got up to get some water for the both of you, you heard a knock at the door.
"Hey Mapi, what are you doing here?" You ask happily, being surprised you were seeing your friend without her telling you beforehand.
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing, why?" You ask her, clearly hiding the fact that you were watching Grey's Anatomy.
"You are watching Grey's Anatomy again, right?"
"No, I am not!" You say defensively.
"Stop bullshitting me, Y/n. Do you remember after we lost the Champions League last year against Lyon? You began watching that freaking show because you thought it could bring you some comfort, but instead, it made it worst!"
"That's not true!" You bark, even though you know it is the truth. "And you can't barge in like this, into my home unannounced, making wrongful claims."
"Lucia told me to come."
"And since when you and Lucia talk?"
"Since the night we met, so where is she?"
"Oh, you'll love what you are about to see." You chuckle, taking her to the living room.
When she saw Lucia watching the show, her face was adorned with the most disgusted and offended look.
"Lucia?" She says, making her turn around quickly, giving her a guilty expression.
"Okay, this is not what it looks like. It's-It's Y/n's fault."
"Oh don't blame me! I didn't force you." You say, showing the palms of your hands.
"Okay, you two. We are going out. The both of you. We are going on the pitch; get ready. Where is Ava?"
"With Nico." You reply.
"Tell him we'll be out for at least two hours."
As you get in the car with Mapi, she keeps her eyes on the road without giving you another glance. Leaving Lucia and you with an awkward silence.
As she gets to the parking lot of the training grounds, she makes you exit the car and turns to Lucia. "Have you already been here?"
"Yeah, Y/n takes me at least once a week."
Mapi looks at you surprised while you comment proudly, "Mark my words, she's going to be the future of Barça." Lucia blushes lightly, staring at the ground.
"I'm not that good." She says, nearly whispering.
"Don't you dare underestimate yourself! At your age, I was not even near as good as you. And you didn't even start training! Imagine then." She curls her lips in a small smile, heading to the entrance of the pitch.
"Did Y/n tell you about how we got the keys to this place?"
"Oh yeah!" Lucia chuckles, "She told me that you got drunk and wanted the keys, and Alexia had to save you."
"So, are we also changing this story?" Mapi asks you accusatively, making you sigh.
"Okay, maybe I embellished it a little." You grin guiltily.
"So what happened?"
"She was the drunk one!" Pointing the finger at you while you rest your forehead on your hand, shaking your head, not looking at Mapi. "And then, with some excuse that I don't even remember she lured us into helping her get the keys. Needless to say, she couldn't keep quiet, so her plan went to shit. She couldn't think properly because she was very drunk. She called Alexia, who was partying with the other girls because we had just won our first Champions, crying."
"I wasn't crying."
"You were sobbing because you couldn't figure out where the keys were, even though you claimed you knew where they were. And then Alexia came to the pitch, worried sick, and helped us find them. Which is something I would have never expected her to do."
"Well, she definitely told me another story." Lucia chuckles.
"Well, okay, I may have skipped some of the most lame parts of the story because it was the second time I saw you, and I wanted to not sound too lame." You reply, a little embarrassed.
She places her hand on your shoulders and smiles at you. "But you are lame."
"How dare you talk like that to your football idol?!" You say, faking being offended.
"I can, and I will!" She begins running to the pitch while you follow behind her trying to catch her. Spoiler alert: you couldn't. That girl was fast. Too fast.
After a little while, you both stop, taking a break. You put on your shoes and begin passing the ball to each other in a triangle. Then you leave Mapi and Lucia to play alone while you sit on the grass, smiling at their interactions.
-
You were more than halfway through July, meaning the World Cup was about to start. Even though you decided not to participate, you still told yourself you would watch all the Spain games. You had friends and teammates in that squad and wanted to support them. You and Mapi had the same idea, so you hosted a little get-together with other Spanish teammates who didn't attend the World Cup. Of course, you chose to tell all of your teammates about the kids and the adoption but refrained from talking about the Alexia thing. Initially, they were shocked that you had two children now, but then they were very happy for you.
So you found yourself on the day of Costa Rica against Spain, with many people in your home, all commenting random shit on TV. You were wearing your old Spain shirt with the number 10 behind it, while Lucia and Ava wanted to wear Alexia's. You let Ava wear one of the old shirts Alexia gave you at the beginning of your relationship with her. While with Lucia, you basically forced her to wear a Spain shirt with your name on it, claiming that "You have to wear the shirt of your favorite player, and you are lucky enough that you live with her." You loved teasing Lucia about the fact that you were her favorite player, and loved even more her annoyed reactions.
The two girls looked too cute, making your heart swell. So you posted a story on your Instagram showing the two backs of the shirts and the tv behind, with no caption. You still had to wait for everybody to come when you received a text from Alexia.
'Love the fits ;).'
You reply almost instantly, with your fingers trembling, as it was the first time you spoke to her since she left that night. 'They look so cute in it!'
‘I still don't know how you convinced Lucia to wear one of your jerseys, though…’
‘Long story’ You simply reply. This conversation confused you, as she wanted to keep talking to you. At the same time, she was the one that wanted a break, but you kept on replying to her, as you really missed talking to her.
'You'll tell me when I get back?'
You are about to reply when you hear a knock on the door, so you leave your phone on the table in your living room and go to the door. Mapi, Sandra Paños, Patri, and Claudia quickly enter your home, clearly looking for something.
"Nice picture you put up on your insta." Mapi remarks, "People are going to ask why you have two kids on your story and why you were watching a Spain game when you were part of the 15 people that refused to participate in the selecciòn."
"Make them talk about the kids; I'll discuss everything with Lucia in the future. And for the story, I'll just say it was in support of Alexia and nothing more, which is true." You explain to your best friend.
"So, where are the kids?" Sandra, the goalkeeper, asks you.
"They are in the living room."
After your teammates meet the two girls, you all order pizza and wait for the game to start.
You picked up your phone and saw that Alexia sent two other texts to you.
'Wish me luck (luck-clover emoji).'
'I miss you.'
You released a shaky exhale and decided not to reply; it was hurting you too much to respond to any of it. It was unfair of her to send you that last text, and it wasn't fair to you to reply.
During the game, when Alexia did something remarkable, as always, your friends, who were clueless about your break with her, would always make little comments about her and you, which you would shrug off, but Mapi and Lucia immediately understood that they were making you a little sad.
Spain managed to win that game by a very narrow margin. 1-0. You knew that they could've won by much more. You could see that by how they played, something was missing. Alexia's performance was clearly below her average, which made you low-key very worried. You see them return to the changing room, and then you switch off the tv. All the people in the room began talking and joking with one another, mainly focusing on the two kids that you had in your home; okay, a kid and a teenager, but for you, Lucia will always be a kid.
After a while, you receive another text from Alexia, making you feel bad that you weren't replying to them. Which she wrote
'You all were right about Jorge. I should have stayed home.'
You reply to this text, saying, 'I'm sorry, Alexia. He's an asshole.'
What actually had shaken you up from the text wasn't the fact that Jorge probably verbally abused many of your friends and teammates from your national team, which still made you angry as shit, but actually was that she said that she should have stayed home. Was she saying that she regretted going to the World Cup? Or was she regretting leaving you?
Mapi realized you were having inner turmoil and dragged you to your kitchen, asking what was happening. You showed her your phone, and she looked at you surprised.
"Since when has she been texting you?"
"Since today." You put away your phone, "I just don't get what she is doing. What she wants from me. And I know for sure that she is going through worse than me. But this is fucking torture, and the worse thing is that she doesn't even realize it."
Mapi didn't have the time to reply that a very tired Ava came to the kitchen searching for you.
"Mo-, Y/n, I'm tired."
"Do you want to get to bed?" You ask her smiling as you know the subsequent request that she will make. Over the weeks that she stayed at your home, you started giving her piggyback rides to the bed, making her fall into her bed, earning a laugh from her. Then you would tuck her bed sheets, giving her a good night.
She slowly nods, raising her arms and making grabby hands. You chuckle at her and turn around, waiting for her to jump on your back.
You put her to bed, give her goodnight with a kiss on the forehead, and return to the chaos in the living room.
You found your teammates and Lucia outside in your garden, sat down on the couches, actively talking about random stuff that you didn't even want to know about. You went out and sat down next to Lucia and took part in the conversations that were happening.
"Now Lucia, I have a really important question for you." Sandra begins, making the young girls sit up straight, a little worried. "How's living with Y/n?" Making all the people at the table chuckle apart from you. "I ask you this because when this woman here moved in with Alexia, we were really worried for Nala. And also because she has never once made a plant live for at least more than a week."
"Okay, this statement is very wrong. A, I am a great dog mom, Nala loves me, and B, I only ever owned one plant, and I hate taking care of them." You say, clearly, nobody was listening to you but were waiting for Lucia's answer.
"Honestly, she has been very good to us." She replies shyly. "She took us in when nobody asked her to, and honestly, she has been more of a mom to me this past month than my mother has ever been in sixteen years."
You look at her, eyes watering, really shocked about her statement. You give her a small smile, "Stop it, you will make me cry." You chuckle while removing with your fingers the tears forming in your eyes.
"Who would've thought that Y/n was such a softie!" Claudia teases you while you give her a deadly stare.
"Shut up, Claudia." The other girls at the table chuckle softly, then you turn to Lucia, "I'm really happy you feel that way." You hug her, and you give her a small kiss on the temple.
"If you will excuse me, I'm going to bed now; remember that tomorrow we have training." She reminds you, you slowly nod at her, and then she turns to your teammates, "It was so nice meeting you all; I hope I'll see you again sometime. Good night." All your teammates say goodnight to her, and as soon as she leaves for her bedroom, they turn to you.
"That revelation must have hit you like a ton of bricks." Mapi jokes.
"Oh, you don't even know. I wasn't expecting her to say that; she's not the kind of girl who likes to 'speak her feelings.' But it was a nice surprise."
"They are good kids, really kind and smart. You must be so proud of them." Patri speaks up.
"I am. Ava is so smart and sneaky, you don't even know. Whereas Lucia she's a really good kid, she will be playing for Barcelona B this season. I'm so proud of her; she'll surely be our team's future."
You say proudly as if you were speaking about your own kids, which slowly you realized that as time progressed, those two kids became so much part of your life that now you couldn't see yourself without them. For you, they were your kids, but you knew that it wasn't right to both of them for you to call them that, they already had a mom, and you didn't want to make them feel like you were replacing her.
"And with Alexia? How are they getting along with her?"
"Oh great! The younger one has her wrapped around her little finger. You all know how Alexia is with kids. Ava found out how she can make her say yes to everything she wants, so that's that. Whereas with Lucia, they bonded over football and dogs."
"You all look like a happy family."
"Yeah, I guess." You chuckle sadly, trying to keep up the façade that you and Alexia were still together.
After approximately half an hour, all your guests left, leaving you alone in the house, wallowing in your pit of misery. You were so happy that Lucia told you what she had told you, and there was only one person that you wanted to tell, Alexia. But you couldn't, and that realization left you helpless.
You go to your bed, which had been half undone since Alexia left, and you lay on it, still smelling her perfume from her pillow. You really missed her. So damn much.
You turned on your phone one last time before going to sleep. As Mapi predicted, you received many comments about the two kids and why you were watching the Spain game, but what worried you was your agent, who texted you.
'Call me as soon as possible. I don't care if it's midnight."
You decide to call him immediately, hoping he wouldn't pick up. He picked up, telling you how the story you put on Instagram makes many people ask questions, making you roll your eyes.
-
The next day you wake up after approximately two hours of tossing and turning in your bed, and go downstairs to your kitchen; you give Nala something to eat and make her go outside. You prepare coffee for yourself and wait for the girls to wake up.
You were scrolling through your phone when Lucia and Ava came to the kitchen for breakfast. Fortunately, after more than a month, since they moved in, you managed to get something to eat for them for breakfast, so you didn't have to go to your brother's place every day.
Lucia sat at the chair next to you while Ava tried to sit on the kitchen countertop, as she saw you many times sit there, but she couldn't because she was too short, but she wouldn't surrender. So you chuckled, then picked her up and put her where she wanted to sit.
"What are you doing?" Lucia asks, trying to peek at your phone.
"Did you open my Instagram yesterday?" You ask her.
"You might be one of my idols, but I don't stalk you on Instagram; I already live with you." She threw her hands up.
"Look at my story." You push her phone to her hands, and she picks it up and goes on Instagram.
"Wait, this is us!" She says, smiling shyly. Ava snatches her phone from her sister to see the picture, making the owner of the phone grunt from irritation, the older girl tries to physically take back the phone, making them have a small fight.
"Okay, girls, it's nearly nine a.m.; it's too early for this type of physicality. Ava, give back the phone to your sister." The little girl huffs and reluctantly gives the phone back.
"So, what is the problem with this picture?"
"People are asking who are the kids in the picture, so I thought I would post about it to get my agent off my back. Is it okay for you? I chose a picture in which you can't see your faces, so you won't have any problems." You reassure the older girl, showing the picture on the phone.
It was one of the first pictures you took together. The first one, Alexia, took it, and it was the first time you hung out together, all four of you. Ava was very tired and fell asleep on you; Alexia took a picture and sent it to you the day after. You couldn't see the sound girl's face in it, but it was evident she was a child.
The second one instead was a picture of you and Lucia playing football, you didn't remember who took it, but it appeared on your phone. You fell in love with the photo right away. You were possessing the ball, and Lucia was trying to take it away from you, but you were pushing her away laughing. When you saw both pictures, they became your top three favorite pictures of all time.
The third picture being with you and Alexia you took when you won your first Champion's League together. You had just started dating and thought you couldn't be happier at that moment, but boy, you were wrong.
"I love them." Lucia simply says, nodding.
"I don't like my picture!" Ava says, crossing her arms on her chest and pouting.
You chuckle at her antics, "What do you have against it? It's cute!"
"It's not cute! I'm sleeping."
"Okay, why don't you decide the picture." You offer, giving you her phone, on the album where you kept all the pictures with the girls.
She casually lands on a picture you took of her and Alexia petting Nala, which you thought was beautiful and sad. Making you rethink your life choices again in the past month.
"I want to put this." She says, giving you back the phone.
"I'll think about it." You give her a smile, then go back to preparing breakfast for them, thinking you'll finish the post that night.
That day, you had a lot of things to do. One is enrolling Ava in an elementary school and then bringing Lucia to the pitch to help her train for the season. You decided to multitask. You took Lucia to the pitch, then left for the school with Ava, and then you'd leave her with Nico and then go back to the pitch to Lucia so that you could train for preseason in Mexico.
Needless to say was that when you got home, you were exhausted. After the tough training that you and Lucia just endured, you both decided to shower then the both of you found yourself lying frozen on the couch with the AC on, waiting for Nico and Ava to come back home to dinner.
—
Fast forward to three weeks, and you still had to do the post; you opted out of it because you thought the pictures were great, but you knew something was missing: Alexia. How could you post about your family when a huge part of it was missing? So you decided not to post anything, hoping she'll return to you.
You were all now watching the Spain game against the US. The same at your house for the Panama game was again at your home. Spain barely got out of the group stage, with all the players clearly missing the spark they usually had. Matches with the US have always been challenging games; they were 4-time world champions for a reason, but more than that, the majority of the players in the USWNT played in the US, so you weren't even used to playing with them in a club.
Needless to say, Spain lost that game badly. Jorge was fuming. You could see it from the screen. He would scream at his team at any time, especially with Alexia, making you extremely worried. Alexia didn't deserve it; nobody did. He was acting irrationally for the world to see how bad of a manager he actually was.
The US team was over the moon when the final whistle blew, whereas Spain was shattered. They were all on the ground with their hands covering their faces. Then Alex Morgan walked towards your ex-girlfriend, picked her up from the ground, and gave her a small pat on the back for encouragement. It really hurt seeing the love of your life this hurt and distraught.
You see her go to get water near the bleachers, then the camera frame Aitana Bonmatì, which she was too standing up, but then you see her begin running. The camera changes the frame again, and you see where Aitana is running to. Alexia was drinking from a Gatorade bottle, and Jorge approached her. He snatched it harshly away from her and began talking angrily at her. You couldn't hear what they were saying to each other.
Still, you knew Alexia wasn't having any of it, chuckling sarcastically and shaking her head. He reacted by grabbing her by the arm. In the meantime, many of your Spanish teammates that have seen the scene unveiling, ran up to their captain, trying to make him take his hands off her. Ona even forcefully removed his hand from Alexia's arm, giving him a death stare. As she saw her teammates swarm her and their trainer, Alexia put a hand on Ona and Aitana, trying to stop them from doing something stupid. At the same time, Jorge kept screaming at all of them.
You and your Barça teammates were watching the scene on TV and looking at each other worried. You were frozen and scared, hoping that things wouldn't go sideways than they already were. FIFA was about to intervene when Jorge just finished screaming when Alexia shook her head and left the pitch, practically stomping. The game's broadcasting went to the ads, and you all looked at each other.
"What the fuck just happened?" Map was the first to speak, all turning to her while you still stared at the screen. Many voices were talking one on top of the other, but you closed them out, trying to think about your next step. You knew that if their interaction had lasted more than it did, you would've probably already been at the airport.
What brought you away from your spiral of thoughts was Ava calling out your name. This made you snap out of your trance and realize that also Ava and Lucia probably saw the same thing as you and many other kids around the world.
You went before her and then kneeled so she wouldn't have to raise her head too much.
"Y/n, why was the coach screaming at Alexia?" She asks worriedly with her head down.
You didn't know what to say to her; you couldn't possibly say that Jorge was an asshole who couldn't interact appropriately even on a worldwide broadcast.
"You know, when a person is sad and angry, they sometimes take it out on others even though they don't deserve it. That's what happened, even though you should never have your feelings out of control." She nods understandingly while you gently take her sides, "Now, why don't we go outside and get ice cream together?" She nods excitingly. "I have to make a phone call now. Can you stay with Mapi until I am back?" You look at your best friend; she gives you a slight nod, then turns her attention to the younger girl.
You go to your room, and the first thing you do is call Alexia. It goes to voice mail. And even though you hate leaving voicemails, you do.
"Hi Alexia, it's me, Y/n. I think you probably know that already. I saw the game today. I'm trying to say that please call back as soon as possible, or even just text me to let me know you are okay. And I know we're on a break, so I must give you space. But just please let me know if you are okay. I love you." You say, probably holding your phone too tightly, trying your best to find the right words.
Then you text Alba, which you haven't heard from her since the day she called you.
'Hey, Alba. I know that you are in New Zealand right now. I just wanted to ask you if you had heard anything about Alexia. Is she okay?'
Then you send a text again to Alexia. 'I saw the game today. Can you call me when you get this text, please? Or if you don't want to call, just tell me you are okay.'
Then you took a big breath to ground yourself. You told yourself to put your concern for Alexia in little boxes in the back of your brain. You had to be strong for Ava and Lucia.
You went downstairs to the girls and found your house empty, only Mapi and your kids.
You give the woman a puzzled look. "They left about two minutes ago. And the kids are outside playing with Nala. Did you manage to get a hold of Alexia?"
You shake your head. "I send her a text, and Alba too. I really hope that she's okay. That interaction looked like a lot. And for the whole team to intervene seemed like he was saying some hurtful stuff."
"I sent a text to Aitana to ask her what was going on. She told me that some hurtful personal stuff was said to Alexia. They haven't seen her since then."
"I mean, should I be worried? I know that we aren't on talking terms right now, but she is still someone I still care very much about."
"It's okay to worry about her. I know for sure that she won't be MIA for much long."
"Thank you for taking care of the kids, I'm sorry I left in such a hurry, but I had to make the phone call, ya know."
"If it were Ingrid, and I was in your place, I would've probably done worse." Her confession made you chuckle.
"So, ice cream? You don't have to come if you don't want to."
"Of course, I'm coming! I still have to beat Nico for top place as aunt/uncle!"
"You are an idiot." You say, laughing.
You go outside and call the two girls; Ava goes straight past you to Mapi, whereas Lucia, Shows you the thumbs up and asks you, "You okay?". You nod, giving her a weak shoulder pat, making her enter the house.
Every ten minutes, you would check your phone in the hopes of notification of Alexia, but it was useless. Good thing that Mapi was there, keeping the kids busy.
You were taking a walk when Alba called you.
"I'm sorry I have to take this." Your mouth to the defender that it was Alba and move away from the three girls.
"Hi Alba, how are you?"
"I'm good; we are about to go back to Spain. Tomorrow we have the flight."
"Say hi to Eli from me, okay?"
"Oh no, she told me to pass you the phone when we are done talking. What are you doing?" Even though you have known Alexia's mom, she has always been scary to you, especially when Alexia was on the line..
"I took the kids for some ice cream with Mapi. Right now, they wandered off, probably looking at some squirrel." You chuckle, smiling at the thought. "Have you heard from Alexia?"
"Nope, she didn't even call mamá. But strangely, she is not that worried. I think she knows where she went."
"At least one of us knows." You say hopefully.
"Mamá wants to talk to you," Alba says, passing the phone to her mom.
"Y/n, how are you?"
"I'm good, Eli. How's New Zealand?"
"New Zealand is nice, but Barcelona is better."
"No doubts about that." You chuckle, agreeing.
"How are the kids? Are they behaving well?"
"They are wonderful; you should come to dinner as soon as you get back." You say politely.
"Now, I know you love my daughter very much, right?" She asks you authoritatively, making you subconsciously make your back straighter.
"Yes, I do very much."
"When she'll come back to you because she will. Make her work for it." Your face turns into a weird and confused expression. "You two are perfect for each other and complement each other perfectly. That is why I gave you my blessing to propose to her a year ago. But when my child comes to her senses and apologizes to you, if you want her back, which I really hope you do, make her earn it."
"I will." You say, chuckling. "I'll make her sweat a little."
"Good. Now I'll let you get back at it with the kids. Give them a hug from me. And take care of yourself, with ya?"
"I will. Have a safe flight."
-
The rest of the day and the next day passed on rather quickly. You were still worried, but somehow, after the call with Alexia's mom, you were worried less. You knew she was a nearly 30-year-old independent woman; she could care for herself.
It was approximately 11 pm. You had just put Ava to bed, and Lucia was already to bed, ‘Claiming’ that she was tired. You thought she was hiding something from you, but you weren't worried about that. When she is ready, she will tell you. At least, you hoped.
Alone in your house, you wondered if this was like rich housewives felt when they waited for their husbands to come home, except that you didn't have a man, nor a woman, for that matter.
So, willing to get the whole desperate housewife experience, you decided to do the most typical thing they could do. Which was pouring yourself a glass of wine or two and hoping for the best.
You tried to find the cheapest bottle in your kitchen and opened it immediately; as you were about to put the wine in the glass, you heard an insistent knock on the door. You checked your time and wondered who in their right mind would knock at someone's door at past 11 pm.
You go to the door and open it.
"Alexia?"
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Coming of age movie hot takes // Matt + Chris
YES, I realise that this is not a proper piece of writing, but don’t worry babies, mommy has got u covered for the weekend coming (hopefully) *nervous laugh*.
You guys can ignore this absolute yapping if u want but it’s really something that I must get off my chest because I think about it an unhealthy amount and make up too many scenarios for each of them in my head with themes and certain plot lines included. Plus, I feel like some of u are absolutely gonna eat this up lol.
But… here are my individual hot takes for both Matt and Chris and what kind of coming of age films they look like they’d star in + with specifically random but accurate details included. (Obviously these are all my own ideas and they may be vastly different to someone else’s, but I felt as though tumblr was the perfect place to brain dump this onto all of u lovely readers)
Matt:
So first up is Matt. Matt gives very much one of those low budget indie coming of age movies where the quality may not be as good but the cinematography is beautiful, as is the plot line. Matt’s movie is the kind of movie you would go to watch and sob at for the entire time because it’s so irrevocably soul-crushing that it tears your heart up piece by piece. If he were to be in an indie movie I feel like it would low-key give off the same kind of energy as something like ‘All the Bright Places’ or possibly even ‘Five Feet Apart’.
Something absolutely tragic is bound to happen in Matt’s movie, and I feel like him dying due to some kind of terminal illness is a high possibility because I don’t know why, it just fits his vibe in a really weird way? Like- his coming of age movie has to be unbareably depressing for some reason.
He’s delicate and gentle, one of those really interesting characters that has so many layers/complications to him. Him and his main love interest share such an odd but heart-warming relationship that you just can’t help but be stuck thinking about the movie days after it’s finished. It bothers you so much that their happy ending was just out of reach.
For the soundtrack, I’m mostly getting Phoebe Bridgers vibes (specifically her Punisher album), something that’s mind-numbingly sad and fits the overall heartache of the cinematography so well that you just want to cry whenever something like ‘Smoke Signals’ or ‘Halloween’ plays beneath the ensuing dialogue. Also, in addition to Phoebe, I also get heavy Current Joys vibes such as ‘In a Year of 13 Moons’ and ‘A Different Age’. The very thought of imagining it makes me want to flat out sob.
Outfit / aesthetic wise for Matt, I envision very much warm brown leather jackets and baggy blue jeans with beat up sneakers and knitted sweaters. He always carries a tattered notebook and drives around a beat up pick-up truck. He smokes red Marlboro cigarettes and constantly seems to have one neatly tucked behind his ear (what-? It would literally look so pretty matched up with his beard and fluffy hair combo… don’t kill me). He’s shy and likes to keep himself to himself but is also hopelessly in love with our main character that also sort of keeps to herself, so he decides to pursue her before it’s too late.
I also feel like this Matt would for sure write 100 love letters to the main character but she would only discover them hidden within his notebook after he had died because when he was still alive he would never tell her what he was writing down whenever they shared moments together. Possibly Matt never got the chance to confess his feelings whilst he was alive, so they stayed forever friends and nothing more right up until he slipped through her fingers at the very end…?
(Bye I’m sobbing, why the fuck does my mind have to be so vivid and imaginative??)
Chris:
For Chris I feel like it’s a little different. His coming of age movie would definitely be a mix between a light-hearted comedy of the classic ‘underdog that finally gets the girl’ whilst also incorporating really important life lessons into the mix of the colourfully bursting screenplay. In contrast, the cinematography is just as beautiful as Matt’s, but in a hazier way, so I’m getting very much party + late night hang out vibes from what Chris’ gives off. This includes darker, more moodier lighting, almost like ‘Euphoria’ in a way. I think his movie would more so correlate with either something like ‘Perks of being a Wallflower’ or even something like ‘10 things I hate about you’. I think the added comedy matches up with Chris’ personality in real life perfectly.
There’s definitely got to be one of those cliche scenes where they lock eyes at a party and all of the other guys on the football team are staring at the most well-known girl in school but Chris only has eyes for our main character. There’s some form of blue/pink/purple flashing lights and everything seems to take place in slow motion as they tentatively peer at each other from opposite sides of the random fish tank before them (Romeo and Juliet style) or some other form obstacle in the way.
For Chris’ soundtrack, I’m thinking something a little more upbeat, and I was possibly debating on Lorde, her songs fit Chris perfectly in my opinion, and no one understands the young mind quite like she does. The emotional vulnerability of her songs mesh together beautifully with Chris’ love language of touch and teenage curiosity and I can just envision something like ‘Perfect Places’ or ‘Hard Feelings’ playing over the back of one of those ending monologues where the movie cuts to a bunch of different scenes as maybe Chris says something really sappy and sentimental over the top of them in his voiceover.
Finally, outfit / aesthetic wise for Chris, I would normally put him in his baggy light-wash jeans and then pair it with a white t-shirt and some form of a zip up hoodie with a backwards cap, but to be honest, most of what Boston Chris used to wear way back when works pretty well too. I’m thinking, typical high school student attire, he’s on the lacrosse team, and is always wholesomely trying his best to impress the girl he’s had a crush on for years with his skills, giving the movie that light, feel-good atmosphere that leaves you with a fuzzy glow after you’ve rewatched it for about the 5th time.
(Again, actually sobbing, I wish these two brief ideas of movies actually existed wtf)
Author’s notes: I’m sorry if this is literally so stupid but I think about it so much, and I think about a lot of other possible movies the triplets look like they could star in. In fact, I even have a whole entire second series sitting in my camera roll of me explaining what horror movies I think each of them would look good in, so if u guys end up liking this one, then I would consider giving u a breakdown of my horror movie ideas if anyone were to wish it hehe. But thank u for listening to my rant and I hope it makes as much sense in your head as it did in mine… 🎀
People who I think would entertain this yapping and enjoy what I have to say here: @luv4kozume @luverboychris @lovingmattysposts @luvmila444 @rootbeerworshiper @nicksmainbitch @lacysturniolo @thesturniolos @strniohoeee @asturniolos @sturniolosreads @sturniolosstar @meanttomeet @sturniolowhore @mattscokewhore @matthemunch @mattestrella @vecnasnose0 @ellie-luvsfics @imwetforyourmom @breeloveschris @kvtie444 @stursweet @bernardsgf @fake-sturniolos @mattslutt @1800chokedathoe @orangeypepsi
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3.3k words summarizing queliot if you've never seen the magicians. or if youve seen it and you want to indulge in my insane criticisms. lord touch his mind
okay so the magicians was a tv show about a bunch of post grads learning magic in magic university then discovering that the fantasy world from a kids book series was actually real and the Beast of that world was out to get them. WHO GIVES A FUCK. the crazy people were focused on the relationship btwn main character quentin coldwater (depressed, heart on his sleeve, surprise sex maniac who is new to magic and loves those books) and gay best friend eliot waugh (substance addicted (big surprise!!), gay trauma, named after evelyn waugh oh you know…) they form a friendship and it’s weirdly touchy and close. eliot keeps trying to seduce quentin but it’s never serious. i dont even think quentin notices. anyone remember the “lets not talk” scene? he was about to fuck that sad man. anyway this tension was actually fulfilled by the end of the 1st season with a drunk threesome including the two and their best friend margo. they at least kiss and cuddle and MAYBE sucked dick if the ghost of his girlfriend who haunts him later is to be believed (which i do #cockinhismouthsunday).
at this time articles that were like “THIS SIFI SERIES IS PROUDLY BISEXUAL” were coming out which. lol. lmfao! quentin never had any sort of queer identity. not even a hint of it. the homophobia of the show started with the regurgitation of the “sad drunk lonely sex-crazed” gay man trope with eliot, then the “everyone is fluid but no one actually has same sex attraction” trope, THEN by sidelining and killing off almost every gay or trans character, THEN THE QUENTIN THING. and the quentin thing turned people insane. let’s see why.
so after the threesome, eliot and quentin continue having a good friendship. there is some tension that isnt present with margo which sure is a choice… but it is resolved by a heartfelt crowning ceremony nd hug. oh theyre kings of the magic land now btw. eliot and q are pretty much separate from this point on xcept for certain episodes/moments. it is strange they dont have any storylines together. but love finds a way. at some point a version of eliot sacrifies himself for quentin. if u look at the scene it is on instinct it is crazy. then they reunite at the end of s2 but it’s all business really. the show was really involved w its nonsense plot.
anyway season 3. hahaha. so like i said theyre separate most of the show past s1. this is true in this season xcept for episodes 305 and 313 (with some notable moments in between). the plot of this season is that they have to go on quests to collect keys. the creature that gives eliot this plot calls quentin his “brother of the heart”. ok! when they see each other for the first time in a while in 304, they hug in a very sweet way :) look at this photo from bts during that scene :) i have it framed
after a series of other quests, 305 turns out to be the Eliot and Quentin quest! finally a story with the two! the quest is for the “time key”, which is fabled to be given to whoever solves the mosaic puzzle in fillory (magic world). the puzzle? they have to arrange 100s of tiles in a way that depicts “the beauty of all life”. quentin is very excited about it. eliot is happy to hear him infodump. they eventually get pushed into fillory to solve the mosaic. turns out they were also sent DECADES in the past. there might have been a way out but they were dead-set on solving the mosaic and getting their key. so they get to work. they live in a cottage attached to the mosaic and they spend hours, days, months on it. just the two of them and the mosaic. this episode is called “a life in a day” which is so perfect you wonder why the writing couldnt be that good within the show.
at the 1 year anniversary, quentin kisses eliot. and eliot kisses him back. and you wonder woah what does this mean?! well keep wondering girl because this tv show does not care to explore any of that. it chugs on and eliot and q fight about “living their lives there” and quentin gets a Wife and has a child with her and then she DIES (leaving her as a narrative incubator rather than an actual character, which is very in line with the sexism of the show). and they grow up and decades pass and the child grows old enough to leave and it seems eliot co-parented him but (again) the tv show doesnt care to show you that. and this whole time theyre working on the mosaic. years and years. eventually they grow old. it’s just the two of them. until eliot dies. quentin goes to bury him in the mosaic plot and he finds a special little tile. he places it in the mosaic. he gets the key. the puzzle is solved. “the beauty of all life”. but quentin is alone. his life companion is gone. and that’s the last we see of him.
we go back in time til before they enter fillory. their friend stops them and she has the key through time shenanigans and they never live that timeline. UNTIL!!!!! they do. they remember it all. what does decades (50 yrs btw) of living happily together mean for them?!? FUCK ALL APPARENTLY!!!! because the next episode (306 if yr keep track) they mention it ONCE AND NEVER AGAIN. and there is so much beneath the surface with the looks and the line that mentions it (“go be life partners with someone else” eliot says jokingly in a manner that shouldve been the catalyst to quentin’s magic-induced suicide spiral later that episode).
ok quentin does mention it once more to his dying dad. but nothing about his Male Life Partner Of Fifty Years. Nothing. they dont even talk about it with their best friends, leading one to believe they just kept it a secret . which. okay.
okay. so theyre apart til the last episode of the season. and quentin decides to sacrifice himself by locking himself in a cage with a monster for all of eternity. he says the quest prepared him for it which is yikesss. eliot refuses. but quentin insists. they travel to the prison (he gets back together with his gf during this trip btw they had been apart that season after some shit. one of their worst writing decisions i hate this stupid ass cockroach relationship). quentin almost exchanges himself. then eliot shoots the monster. dooming them all.
so the monster doesnt die. instead he possesses eliot. and that becomes the story for season 4. at first quentin and co think eliot is dead. and it’s devastating lol. an interesting thing is that the monster was so. touchy with quentin. unbearably so. it’s such a perverse reflection of eliot’s touch. which is sorta pointed out by quentin in this quote (paraphrase) “i know it’s not eliot. but he has his face and his eyes…”
anyhow 405. hahahahahaha. so this episode it’s revealed eliot is alive but trapped in his own head. and to get out for a moment and tell his friends he’s alive, he needs to confront his most terrible most shameful memory. the whole episode is him trying to figure out what it is. meanwhile, quentin and co are setting up a plan to kill the monster. and quentin breaks up with his gf (lol). in a deleted scene that WAS shown in promo they argue about the monster. and quentin says “im team eliot”. lol
anyhow, eliot’s hit a dead end. he cant figure the worst thing that’s happened in his life. then his memory of quentin (theyve been hangin out) says he’ll “sacrifice” himself if he had to. eliot smiles and says “i know youre just a memory… but youre a very generous one.” and quentin says— (im reciting this from memory btw all of this has been from 4 years of NON STOP thinking about it) quentin says “well you sacrifice for the people you love” and he gives eliot a VERY pointed look. and then it dawns on eliot. and the guilt is instantly palpable.
hahahahha. hahaha. hahahahahaha. okay so eliot goes to the memory he knows is the worst thing he’s ever done. his most traumatic memory, after a lifetime of violent homophobia and bad choices. the person possessed before him described this memory as being “the day he left home”.
the memory? the day they remembered their past lives. did it happen? fifty years. it happened.
theyre sat under a wedding arch (that was the b plot of the episode lol). it’s beautiful. eliot watches the memory play out, standing in front of the seated figures. the guilt. the guilt.
outside, the tension is building. the plan to kill the monster is in motion. quentin has to coax him to a certain spot. he has to look at him as he kills his best friend.
eliot doesnt know this but he gets anxious watching it play out. there is a certainty that this is it. the first time viewer has no idea whats going on. we never saw the direct aftermath of them remembering. we always assumed there wasnt anything.
well a year after 305 aired, a yr after thinking THAT WAS IT, they recontextualize Everything.
it is worth saying here that in the promo interviews leading up to season 4, quentin’s and eliot’s actors were sussing it UP. quentin’s at some point talks on q’s queerness, saying it was the one aspect of his life he didnt feel anxious about.
well
what happens is that quentin asks eliot for a relationship. remember how it was quentin who first kissed eliot? it happens again. heart on his fucking sleeve. i can recite this scene pretty well so im going to fucking do it:
did it happen? fifty years. it happened. it was sort of beautiful. it really was. i know this is gonna sound dumb but … us. i mean we work. we know it cause we lived it. who gets that proof of concept? (eliot smiles uneasily) we just got injected with fifty years of memories so i get that youre not thinking clearly. no im just saying… what if we gave it a shot, would that be so crazy? (eliot looks down, worried and thoughtful. quentin smiles RADIANTLY it is BLINDING) why the fuck not?
editors opinion: quentin is such a beautiful person. to be so truthful about something so scary is unthinkable. especially in context of him being so hopelessly and quietly in love his childhood best friend, and his whirlwind romance with previously mentioned gf, and all the tragedy he endured with these two. but this is someone who loves with his whole heart. what was he supposed to do? contain it?
then eliot hardens.
i know you and you arent… whats the matter? dont be naive it matters. (pause) q i love you but… that isnt me and that definitely isnt you. not when we have a choice. (quentin looks away. he wipes his eye) oh. okay. sorry.
and silence. the real eliot, the eliot who isnt the memory, looks on. tired and angry, he speaks to himself:
what the hell is wrong with you? what the hell are you doing? someone Good and True… Loves you. yeah it was a little crazy but you knew. you knew this truly mattered. and you just SNUFFED IT OUT.
then he looks to the memory of quentin. soft as the clouds:
q. im sorry. i was afraid. and when im afraid i run away.
then he kisses him. and he hits you with the thesis of the episode:
if i ever get out of here q… know that when im braver it cause i learned it from you.
well
thats his most traumatic memory. he is granted passage to consciousness. what is the first thing he sees? quentin. the real quentin.
q? (smiles) q (laughs) it’s me. it’s eliot. ok come on no games. it’s eliot. i said no games. (eliot looks around, worried as all hell) fifty years (he walks towards q) who gets proof of concept like that? what? peaches and plums motherfucker (this is the symbol to their mosaic life) im alive in here. (eyes as wide as saucers, heart in his throat) eliot…
and he ruins their plans of killing the monster. “eliot’s alive.”
then the episodes keep rolling. “eliot eliot eliot. why do you care so much about him?” “because i do.” and “wow i love that plan. except the part where it doesnt save eliot.” quentin gets back with his gf for reasons only the devil knows. but fine ok whatever quentin and eliot will HAVE to talk post-saving. even if the writers ignore it once more they have some kind of relationship. and they do save eliot in the finale! you know who they dont save? lmfao
quentin dies. in a manner that many including myself found weird and unsatisfactory and suicidal. and he never gets to know how eliot feels. never. he’s just gone. their story means nothing 💯
editors note: this ending broke me. i was using the show as a depression crutch, so a fate so hopeless ruined me. cant blame the show for my mistake but being so technically bad certainly didnt help.
well when the show came back for its next (and final lol) season, they did attempt closure for eliot and quentin. for some reason this was all contained in 3 episodes, most of it in the third (503) but what the fuck ever. it has its moments.
the episode is basically about eliot and alice (q’s gf i dont think ive mentioned her name. sorry alice) going on a mini quest up a treacherous mountain for grievers to return a piece of quentin’s soul back to the underworld. their fights are soooo funny. toxic lover vs almost-lover.
alice at some point says “well he was MY boyfriend this is MY pilgrimage and you just TAGGED ALONG” and (blood obviously boiling) eliot goes “right, because he meant nothing to me”. and this highlights something so sneakily homophobic about this whole affair. quentin and eliot’s relationship never mattered to the narrative as much as all the other straight relationships, especially quentin and alice’s. like i said, they would separate for entire seasons. you will be happy to know that not 1 episode goes by without quentin and alice conflicting and making up conflicting and etc. i dont understand how quentin and eliot’s relationship wasnt important enough. they were best friends, they kissed multiple times and had sex AT LEAST once if the mosaic subtext isnt considered. and the mosaic… it isnt just that they lived together for 50 yrs and raised a child and were happy, something they couldnt quite grasp in their old lives… they achieved the beauty of all life. that is a monumental achievement that shouldve changed not only their lives, but their stories.
the thing about the confession is that it wasnt planted in s3. talking about 405, the writers said they came up with it while working on that episode. it was essentially a retcon. though its inclusion explains why they didnt talk about it literally, it doesnt excuse the narrative outright ignoring it. it DEFINITELY doesnt account for why it ignored the rest of the SAME SEASON it was ESTABLISHED IN. if this was quentin and alice, they would be talking about it nonstop. and guess the fuck what when they get back together it is *non stop*.
SO. 503. they are on their pilgrimage. tensions build. eliot hallucinates quentin’s voice (it’s a soundbite from the mosaic when eliot dies which is depressing). they meet another traveller who is grieving his long dead boyfriend.
the traveller asks who theyre grieving and alice goes My Boyfriend and eliot looks away and says he knew him as a friend and it’s so sad it makes me want to die. why did they invent new exciting ways for gay people to be ashamed of who they love. i hate this show.
anyway the traveller talks about his boyfriend and how he was a magician who died young and how his dreams were haunted by him. and eliot is listening so intensely you want to jump hale appleman for being so good at this acting thing. alice goes to sleep and leaves the two alone. then they really start talkin:
(the traveller asks) have you ever had love? (eliot smiles small, hesitant) love…? yeah love. (pause) the friend we’re putting to rest. (traveller is delightfully shock) wasnt just a friend.
truly truly truly cant describe to you how much it physically pains me that it took 2 seasons and for one of them to die and a conversation with a stranger to get to this point. why wasnt this always part of the narrative. why does this only matter now after 2 yrs of fans badgering you about why this isnt part of the fucking show despite BEING PART OF THE FUCKING SHOW! it is dead obvious this was never the intent so even with something that should feel right feels wrong because the show never wanted it. it never wanted quentin to be in love with eliot. but it doesnt make sense if he isnt. i hate this show.
the convo continues 🙄:
does she know? oh god no. a torrid secret affair. (eliot looks away) no, nothing like that.
and i wish eliot was given a proper story. i wish i knew what was going on in his head through all of this. i wish i wish.
so it is revealed that quentin and eliot “had love” and that eliot is keeping it a secret (a revelation considering they werent intimate on screen past the 1 yr anniversary, they were only ever referred to as best friends by cast and crew, AND even what they were was obscured in the confession scene. and their feelings didnt matter past 405 fuck this world). this is huge. it should be huge. eliot’s first arc is about how he cant fall in love until he does and gets his heart broken. quentin’s stories are so wrapped up in alice that having another love interest should complicate that entirely. it doesnt.
the climax of the episode is when eliot expresses difficulty of letting go of quentin and alice says “he was your friend” and eliot replies (quick as if not meaning to) “he wasnt just my friend.” and wowww. how cathartic. the first time in the history of the show they talk about it. 5 seasons btw.
and eliot tells her about the mosaic and how “we loved each other for a really really long time.” and how he told him to fuck off and how he died for him and how he was never able to talk to him again. he just died.
and that part is supposed to be cathartic too. it feels cathartic for eliot the character at least. but to me the Viewer. i was sick of how they were trying to appeal to MY thoughts of what he should be feeling. as if trying to placate me. cuz if it was soo important it wouldnt just been solved after this episode. he DGAF about quentin after this. i dont get it. why cant they write a proper story.
well one line that stuck with me and i truly felt was this:
alice: he was pretty in love with you
eliot: i wouldnt say that
alice: .. i would
and then eliot looks at her the most devastated a man can look.
thats it. that’s quentin and eliot. a heartfelt and final fuck this show. the fic goes crazy esp the 2019 shit.
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some rhaenicent fic recommendations
grey ridge (ríl liatroma) by molter ( @molter-writes ) - married with kids; business drama; they’re sickeningly cute; arguably the best thing ive read in the fandom; 10 out of 10; read it like 6 times; if you haven’t read it dude what are you waiting for
ride the dragon (and do it quickly) by molter - the #roadtrip fix it
love is complicated by molter - Alicent is an actress and Rhaenyra is her rich best friend; they idiots and they’re in love; Laena is featured and she is fed up
leaf and blade by molter - it’s summer; they’re hiding their relationship; they’re teachers; and my all time favorite tag ‘harwin gets a whistle’
cleopatra by dontaskmedude - divergence from episode 4; Joffery does not die; Laenor and Rhaenyra do everything right; Alicent and Rhaenyra raise their kids together
someone to watch me die by dontaskmedude - this is just, this is just depressing; good but depressing; like if hurt/no comfort is your thing this is for you; it’s just so, so sad; Alicent in chains/Rhaenyra half year queen era but no happy ending; do not read this if you want them to be happy
Untouchable by mylordshesacactus - young rhaenicent; if Aemma never died and if Alicent never married viserys; i love this story so much you dont get it
Blame it on Fate by Lumyart ( @lumyart ) - they’re rival co hosts; well, actually, they’re rival co hosts in Alicent’s mind; Rhaenyra is thoroughly enamored (as per usual)
you don't know what love is (if you don't put up a fight) by tansymeadows - viserys manages to last a couple extra days and Rhaenyra returns after Alicent blinked her pretty brown eyes and said “you’ve only just arrived”
The Silver Queen and the Lady in Green by WanderingFan - idk how to explain this; honestly just read it; it’s really good; slow burn; like incredibly slow burn im on chapter 26 rn and they’ve only just become friends a couple chapters ago but god is it worth it
is it too soon to do this yet ('cause I know it's delicate) by Arvedui - episode 1 divergence; it’s cute; they’re cute
would it be enough (if i could never give you peace?) by Arvedui - Jeyne Arryn my beloved; you and Laena would get along splendidly when it comes to these two nitwits ( i say with affection)
Midnights Like This by pure_black_wings - based on Taylor’s album; college setting; slow burn
Duty and Sacrifice (A History of Rhaenyra the Blessed by Archmaester Gyldayn) by TheIronDragon10 (@theirondragonrants) - now when i say i love this story i mean i LOVE this story; if you ever wanted to know what the House of the Dragon looked like thoroughly united then LOOK NO FURTHER; top tier; it’s wonderful; it has angst, it has joy, it has family and sibling vibes, it has slow burn, it has pain and healing and love everything i could ever want from a realistic version of canon where my girls can be happy; emphasis on realistic because the irondragon does not pull any punches
Cleaving to Rhaenyra by WanderingFan - another episode 4 divergence
you’ve got your demons (darlin’ they all look like me) by geralehane ( @geralehane ) - the reincarnation au
lying (in the hollows of your heart) by wakesiren ( @wakesirens) - read this for the last scene of chapter 3 and thank me later; update: READ THIS FOR CHAPTER FOUR AND THANK ME LATER
towers and dragons verse by beepboop (permanganato) - Alicent is one adorable nerd okay and Rhaenyra just loves her
what is it good for? by bluebaric ( @viscountcrow ) - arranged marriage au; Rhaenyra is a war hero; Alicent is perpetually terrified for her life
tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart by alphayamergo ( @sydneysageivashkov ) - this was just, this was just hilarious; like picture Corlys and Otto snarling at each other from across the council room trying to convince Rhaenyra to marry either Alicent or Laena and that’s what this is
thine is the queendom by liadrell ( @lesbianalicent ) - this was an excellent read, really good character dive on alicent
Ember to Flame by CrowSaint (@ dayneonychus ) - COLOUR ME INTRIGUED
our shadow over the sea by queensmooting - sigh
Long Live Our Queens! by WanderingFan - they’re gonna kill their fathers and they’re gonna rule together and it’s gonna be great
blood in your mouth (I wish it was mine) by dontaskmedude - this made me shed some tears
there’s more i just got tired so feel free to add your own
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Sad Boy Hours
Charles leclerc x reader x Max Verstappen
Genre: hurt/comfort
Summary: After Singapore 2023, Charles isn't sure he can keep up with peoples expectations.
Warnings: Charles is depressed
Notes: I just want Charles to be happy 🥴
Masterlist
Singapore is a long and taxing race. It's not one of Max's favorites. However, he can't help but smile because he finally got the racing challenge he'd been looking for. Something to test his skill and push him to be better than before.
When he gets out of the car, he makes a beeline straight for the Ferrari, who placed one spot ahead of him. He expected Charles to already be out of the car. Even possibly bragging that he finally placed ahead of Max.
Yet the Monegasque looks like he's not even moving. Maybe not even breathing. It's distressing to see ones lover in such a state. Max gets that gut feeling it's something to do with the team, and he has to suppress the urge to go scream at them all.
Instead, Max taps on Charles' helmet to get his attention. He's startled at first but then calms as he sees it's Max. The Dutch helps him out of the car without any words. Just gentle looks and touches that are discreet.
They go get weighed in silence. Then Max veers off the path to a secluded corner and pulls of Charles' helmet. He's met with puffy green eyes and a broken smile when he does so.
"Sharl, what happened, schat?" Max cups his face, and the tears start again. He tries to wipe them away, but the Monegasque seems to have a never-ending well of them.
"I did a bad job today. They said I needed to do better with my pace. I can't keep doing this, Max. I don't know if I should continue racing." He chokes.
"You're an amazing racer, and I know that with every ounce of my being. You may not be feeling it right now, though, so what do you say we go get our girl and go home?"
~
She'd been refraining from burning down the Ferrari garage. Sure, she's happy for Carlos, but what they did to Charles is unacceptable.
When she sees Max and Charles cone walking down the pitlane, she springs towards them. The unfortunate circum of their hidden relationship prevent her from smothering them both in love, but she still hugs the two drivers who are drenched in sweat.
She takes note of how broken Charles looks. His eyes are swollen, and his lips and hands are trembling. He looks ready to collapse at any given second. He's hurting and she hates it.
The unfortunate media duties delay their leave. Max whispers to her that she can stay with him, or at least within view of him, until they can go back to the hotel.
It feels like hours before they are tucked away in the comfort of the room. Max had managed to get back before them and was already running a bath. Until he's done, she makes work of Charles still sweaty and in clothes that can't feel nice right now. She tries to detangle his hair with a comb, and she can hear him sighing into the gentle feeling.
A few minutes later, Max pops his head out of the bathroom door. "Baths ready."
It's steamy and filled with bubbles. They both giggle at the mess Max made of the bathroom. Water already sloshed around the floor.
"Bubbles?"
"Why not bubbles? Is really the correct question here."
By the time they are done, there is more water on the floor than in the tub. They'd washed, sure, but they also decided to splash water at each other.
When they dried, they clambered into bed. Charles tucked saftley in the middle. Her and Max's arms wrapped tightly around him. For this night, he will be shielded by their protective bubble.
"You are a good driver, Charlie. No matter what anyone says. You deserve so much, and this world has been so cruel to you."
They can feel his body shaking with cries once more. Hands clinging to any part of them he can get.
"You are so loved. You've done so well. And one day, you're gonna find a team that sees all of your value just as we do."
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⚠️Attention:⚠️ very long post. It talks a little about: state of lack, take your desire off the pedestal, time it takes for a manifestation, get distracted about your manifestation , self-concept, and Cassies
one more night high and having crazy epiphanies about manifestations. and another day using a translator to translate my text to post here, because I haven't claimed to be fluent in English yet 😛 So, as I always warn, if there are possible grammatical errors, it's for this reason.
I'm here to bring you an analogy I created while discussing with a friend haha. (Yes, this time there's nothing about lana del rey!)
you know those people who humiliate themselves for others? Who do everything for someone specific to love them, try to talk to them even if it's unhealthy, or beg them to stay in their lives. (yes, it's quite depressing and sad)
i haven't been like that much in life, usually when someone didn't care about me, i cared even less about them. but I won't lie, there have been situations where I may have humiliated myself a little, but it's human.
anyway, going straight to my analogy, let's imagine that you struggling to manifest something is a friend "Cassie," and the manifestation will be her ex-boyfriend, okay? (i swear it will make sense in the end)
what I write outside the parentheses is Cassie's situation, and what's inside the parentheses is possibly the situation you're going through on your manifestation journey.
okay, you have this friend Cassie who keeps saying that her ex-boyfriend doesn't care about her, doesn't respond to messages, and shows no signs, and she's going crazy and desperate about it (just like you when you see no progress in your manifestation). so she does EVERYTHING to get him back (just like you when you try multiple methods non-stop and feel needy). and as Cassie's friend, you think, "poor cassie, she doesn't deserve to suffer like this" (and she really doesn't deserve it, just as you don't deserve to suffer for your manifestations). there are also moments when she sends a message for you saying, "I'll forget him this time, I promise." but after two days, she's there messaging him again (just like you affirm on the first day all motivated and trying to convince yourself that this time your manifestation will come true, but after a few days, you see no progress and start panicking), and then she gets very sad because she thinks they will never get back together and she will never be happy with him again (just like you think you can't manifest anything, that the universe hates you, that you will never get what you want, that the loa doesn't work). But meanwhile, there are other people out there getting back with their exes and you admire them, wondering what it would be like if it were you... (just like when you look at other people's success stories and think "why can't I do it?") spoiler: You can do it too, honey. If everyone else can do it, so can you. Wake up.
If I were Cassie's friend, I would tell her to STOP acting like that and start valuing herself and just distract herself. because let's be honest, men ALWAYS come back, right? 🤣 and many people may disagree with me on this and think that if she doesn't chase after the guy, he won't come either. but that's how it works for me, even before I started using the law. every time I started valuing myself and stopped begging for others' love, the person came to me. so let's agree with my thinking on this, okay?
and one more point that I think is worth mentioning is that if Cassie really doesn't want to do this alone, maybe a manifestation coach would be a good idea (if it were a real situation, I would suggest her to seek a therapist). There are nuances about "manifestation coaches," I honestly don't use them and I recommend working on your self-concept. but it's an option if you want, but please do thorough research and find a trustworthy one.
returning, what can you do to not be another Cassie? I'm telling you to stop doing whatever you're doing to try to achieve your desire? no. just get out of the state of neediness and desperation, like a Cassie. you don't need that, my love. you don't need to worry, "Is my manifestation coming?" You don't need to use a thousand methods because you don't think it's enough. whatever you believe will bring your desires, will indeed bring your desire. If you believe that jumping three times, building a castle, and kicking an elderly person will give you what you want, guess what? If you do all that, then you will get what you desire. and if you believe that affirming once in your life will get you a beachfront mansion, guess what? you will achieve that.
so, to not be a Cassie:
1 - trust what you're saying, please trust yourself. nnow that ONLY WHAT YOU THINK is the truth, and it will be. (my last long post talks about this exactly, I highly recommend it, okay).
2 - take your desire off the pedestal. your desire may be your biggest dream in life, I don't care. take it off the pedestal. the powerful person who can have anything they want is YOU, not your desire. tou are a thousand times greater than your desire. you don't chase after your desire, your desire chases after you. you know when manifestation coaches tell you to start manifesting just a blue butterfly or a candy? well, it's because for you, that's not difficult. It's something you find easy to manifest and know it's totally possible to have. but you can literally manifest a Porsche at the same speed as manifesting an ice cream, okay? take your desire off the pedestal; you are fully capable of having it.
3 - get out of the state of lack. In the law of assumption, some people talk a lot about states and some manifest just by being in the state of the wish fulfilled and ready, they succeed. but the state of lack is literally when you feel the lack, the absence of your desire. you don't feel like you have it or you don't feel worthy of it, so you probably fall into a spiral of despair with millions of thoughts like "what will I do if I don't achieve it?" "I don't see any progress" "time is passing and I don't have my results". Anyway,
- But what do I do to heal my state of lack?
just don't be in it 💐💐💐 yes, it's easy, okay. please believe that it's easy and it will be. I know it's very easy to affirm when you're motivated, especially after reading a success story. but motivation doesn't last forever and I don't think it's healthy for you to keep restoring your motivation by reading success stories all the time. there's nothing wrong with it, but you don't need success stories to heal. every time you feel like you're entering the state of lack, start trusting yourself. when it happens to me, I start affirming "none of this, I have my desires" "I don't care about what my 3D shows me" "I have what I want", I also imagine myself with my desire as if I really have it now. I'll admit, there are times when I start affirming this to avoid entering the state of lack and at first it feels like I'm feeling wrong, the feeling of hopelessness even. but regardless of how I feel, I keep visualizing and eventually start feeling strong and motivated again. in those moments, you have to be strong and disciplined with yourself, okay? you can do it.
4 - try not to care about time or the 3D reality. i know it's difficult, but please live in your imagination and believe that if you have it in your imagination, you have it now. about time, it depends, okay? Some people manifest in seconds because they believe they can, while others manifest in weeks because they think it takes weeks. if you're the second type of person, you can definitely manifest in seconds if you allow yourself to do so. self-concept affirmations help a lot in this aspect. Just don't worry about time in the 3D reality. If you know that in your mind you have your desire NOW, then you have it now. once you're fully living in your imagination, it will come in the 3D reality. I know it's difficult, but just trust yourself and your mind. I promise that if you live 100% in your mind, your desire can come very quickly.
5 - distract yourself! don't spend the whole day thinking about your desire. usually, the desire comes when you accept that you have it and continue living your life. I know it's complicated, especially when it's something you want, but distract yourself to avoid excessive and negative thoughts about your manifestations. and please get off tumblr for a while
6 - improve your self-concept, please. Just do that, and your manifestation journey will be much easier.
I think that's it for today. I talked a lot as always 😛😛
I usually don't respond to people asking for help here on my blog (mainly because I don't receive any requests) but if you're having problems, you can send me a message, and I'll respond ❤🩹 I just want to help someone like loa bloggers helped me when I needed it. good night everyone, and stay hydrated.
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𝐏𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐤𝐢𝐧 𝐏𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐨
Character: Steven Grant
Prompt: Being Recorded & Pumpkin
Summary: Steven has an onlyfans and does a Halloween special stream featuring a pumpkin.
Warning: Onlyfans, smut, pumpkin gets violated.
WC: 2.1K
Kinktober Masterlist
The camera angled towards his waist, showing only his lower half. His olive skin washed over by the white lighting sitting behind the camera, adding shadows to each curve. A plain, white sheet hung up behind him acting as the backdrop, although now a few fake candles and a single, plump pumpkin now joined him.
It was a basic set up, but Steven found he didn’t need anything too elaborate to keep his viewers entertained.
After being fired from the museum, a job he can’t even remember getting but one he adored, he turned to alcohol for one measly night. It was far from a normal coping mechanism for him, but the pathetic circumstances called for it. As horrid as Steven's tiny attic flat was, it was still located in central London which made the rent sky high. Even with his full time job he’d barely managed to scrape by with what he made, but now? Unemployed? He was days away from the streets.
In his drunken spiral his depressive thoughts moved from his unemployment status to his barren relationship status. Self deprecating words torrented through his mind. Was he ugly? Unsightly? Was he really that unattractive? Steven made a point of being friendly and open to everyone he came across, so it only made sense that his chronic loneliness stemmed from his appearance.
Through frustrated and self conscious tears he fell into another less productive vice; porn. If there was no one in reality to hold him, touch him or make him feel something, he’d find someone on a screen to do it. That was how he drunkenly ended up on onlyfans, scrolling through explicit content, eyes widening at the outrageous prices. Did people really spend that amount of money just to watch someone get off, wear costumes and moan into a mic? Without even seeing their face? It was ludicrous, but the more he scrolled, the more it became clear that people were more than happy to pay.
After a sad wank, a few more tears and two more drinks, Steven Grant was officially pished and about to make questionable decisions. In his drunken haze, with a mind whirling with money problems and a need to be wanted, he signed up. With one hand in his pants and another hitting his phones record button, he pointed the camera down at his crotch and went for it. Whimpers and moans filled the room, with Steven panting breathily into the mic and begging with every honest thought he would never have said aloud before.
“Please… please love I’m beggin you, please touch me, I need you,” He fisted his hard, aching cock faster, lips trembling as he lost himself to desperation, “Want you so bad, please, I’ll take anyone, want to be a good boy, I can be such a good boy.”
His voice cracked as he spoke, an emotional and horny wreck, pent up with all sorts of pathetic need. In a matter of minutes he’s spilling over his hands and trousers, crying out at his own sensitivity and jerking into his calloused hand.
The video ended as he dropped the phone, lazily hitting upload as he typed the title “Just Want To Be A Good Boy.” It was amazing that he managed to spell it all correctly in his state, blinking through self pitying tears. The title was him spelling out his hearts truth, Steven just wanted someone to want him, it was that simple.
As the worst post nut clarity of his life hit he flung the phone to the side of the bed, rolled over with a frustrated huff and forced himself to sleep.
The hangover hit like the London Metro on a monday morning, crowding his head with throbs and aches. Most of last night was a blur, and if the translucent stains on his jeans were anything to go by, it had been another sad and depressing night.
Steven made his way begrudgingly through the motions, with cornflakes and almond milk, a one sided conversation with Gus and whatever David Attenborough documentary was on the telly. He made it through twenty minutes of the routine before realising his phone had been buzzing. Assuming it was another LinkdIn alert email he ignored them, but after the fifth notification he heaved himself up, trotting over to it the phone with a pout at being bullied via notifications.
Onlyfans: You have 17 new Subscribers!
With a knitted brow, Steven read over the words twice, then thrice more. Individually the words made sense, but together he was stumped. He had subscribers? On Onlyfans? The porn subscription site? When on earth had he been on there? Dismissing it as some marketing email, he opened the notification with the intent to report it as spam but was instead redirect to the app, which only furthered his confusion.
Notification bubbles on the app told him he’d gained 127 new subscribers, with 345 likes on his last post. Anxiety and confusion coiled deep within his gut as he clicked onto the post, and the video that played back at him, or rather the voice that did, sent him into the beginning stages of a panic attack.
It was him from the waist down, curled into himself, arching off his bed. It was his voice begging some unknown person to touch him, want him, need him with passionate fervour. Within his broken mind a handful of pieces began to fit together and he buckled against the bed, completely aghast at what he and apparently many others had witnessed.
A new comment popped up live in front of him, and his finger expanded the comment section before his mind could stop him.
“God I need you so bad…”
“Need him to whine right in my ear.”“Ur my good boy”
“what i wouldnt give to edge him till he begs”
“Pleaseeee I need more of this content!”
Stevens heart stopped. His eyes widened in disbelief. They wanted more? Of him? They’d seen him, seen his privates, heard his deepest desires and wants, viewed him at his most raw and they wanted more? The pound sign caught his eye as he saw the automatic base subscription fee being £3, and his eyes flew open once again. With fumbling fingers he opened his bank app and nearly dropped the phone.
£381 had been added to his bank account.
That was the story of how Steven Grant, former chronically single giftshoppist, found himself with a successful and growing Onlyfans account. Turns out the whimpery, British men market was ripe for the taking, and he took it by the neck. It didn’t take long before he was adding more tiers, going from posting videos to live streams, he even has a few whales that regularly drop obscene amounts of money to make him buy new toys or costumes. Safe to say Steven was making far more than he did at the museum and missing rent was no longer a problem.
The idea of a Halloween special was something a few of his fans had mentioned, and he saw no reason not to. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t constantly drunk on the praise thrown at him, the very fact that he had a high subscriber count and tons of regulars did more to bolster him than therapy ever could.
What special things he’d do however, was something he was still stuck on. Besides the prop pieces and the new halloween themed thigh highs sent to his PO box by a subscriber that loved his ‘gazelle like legs’, he had nothing. Steven prided himself on putting effort into his streams, not half assing them, but with the event fast approaching he was left fumbling. On the morning of Halloween, he stared down the pumpkin and decided he could carve it on stream while edging himself with a toy, letting his viewers watch him get increasingly needy and bothered whilst doing a nice seasonal activity. It wasn’t his best idea, but it would have to do.
As the clock struck midnight, the stream began. Steven was curled in front of the camera, waving his hand down towards where the frame would see him.
“Evening everyone! Happy Halloween! Hope you’re all doing well, promise there will be only treats tonight, no tricks.”
When he first began streaming he was a nervous wreck, barely able to get a full sentence out coherently, but after a few months he felt a bit more at ease. He could ramble on about anything he wanted, from his newest French poetry book to niche Egyptology and so long as he was hard, no one cared. Some comments could be extremely vulgar, a few even hateful, but with the outpouring of love and lust directed and tailored towards him drowned it all out.
On went the stream, with Steven chatting with his viewers before bringing out the pumpkin and slowly carving it, taking his time so both he and his viewers would get worked up. The vibrator he attached to himself was linked up to his laptop, a nifty bit of tech that he barely figured out, but it meant that viewers could pay to turn up the intensity of the vibrator.
Several times they did so, always catching him off guard and leaving him spluttering.
“O-Oi! You nearly made me mess up the carving, you cheeky thing.”
For an even higher price point, viewers could make their own unique requests for the stream. It had only happened twice before, both at Stevens discretion, and he certainly hadn’t expected it to happen now.
@red-hydra: “fuck the pumpkin”
Steven froze mid-carving, knife stuck halfway through a triangular eye, a choked moan escaping him as the vibrator buzzes violently at the wrong moment.
“Bloody hell, I- Y-You want me to… shag the pumpkin?”
The chat was going by so fast he could barely keep up, but the few messages he could discern were all rabid to see him commit to the request.
“Alright, a-alright dears, um… I-I’ll try.”
Slowly Steven pulled the carving knife from the pumpkin, and angled it beside him, prodding the small hole with his finger and gasping at the wet innards. He hadn’t emptied it yet, and he wasn’t sure whether that was good or bad, but it meant there was no need for lube.
With barely restrained trepidation Steven gently grabbed his weeping cock and placed it in front of the opening, gasping at the odd, cold sensation. After a deep breath he takes the plunge and pushes in, grunting at the tightness of the space before an open mouthed groan escaped him.
The feeling was absolutely unlike anything Steven had felt before. It was cold and almost slimy, but it was soft and spongy, and the small, snug space his penis had to fit through made his throbs all the more prominent. He couldn’t restrain the soft whimpers that left him, the way his hips bucked ever so slightly and desperately against his will.
Steven liked to take things slow for his streams, wanting to stretch them to an hour or two long max, however there were odd occasions were he couldn’t help himself. This was one of them.
His fingers were whitening with how hard he was gripping the pumpkin, his chest heaving at the sudden pleasure. It seemed his fans were lapping the sight of him up as the vibrator was constantly buzzing, hitting its highest settings over and over and over. It was too much, and Steven was left moaning without remorse against the walls of his flat, thrusting into the pumpkin as his thighs trembled with the onslaught of pleasure.
Only a few minutes in and he’d already made a mess, just like he was. Strings of pumpkin flesh stuck to the inside of his thighs, a small bead of precum was leaking down his shaft. The entire scene was one of wet and panting chaos, and the chat wasn’t any better.
Out of view of the camera, Steven managed to lift his head, peering at his screen through lust heavy eyes and groaned at what he saw. Comments were flooding, an array of encouragement, vulgar observations all overly descriptive and ravenous over him.
The barrage of compliments, the horde of people egging him on had him nearly piercing the pumpkin with his grip as he fucked into it with the full force of his hips, mewling and whining desperately for more.
It didn’t take long for him to break, cumming with a cry and a gasp, arching whorishly into the abused fruit as pearly white beads bubbled out of the small opening. Steven needed a few moments to gather himself, slowly pulling out of the pumpkin with a wince, finally aware of the stringy orange mess he’d made of himself.
He sat back on his haunches, glancing back towards the camera with a sigh and panting still.
“Well… That’s one way to make vegan pumpkin pie. Happy Halloween lovelies.”
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Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 2.4
It's in the paper that Allen Klein was involved in 40+ lawsuits and John doesn't question it? At this point, I feel like he just didn't want to let Paul be right about anything.
My question is who did that work on before? I mean who fucking does business like that? Let alone business with the most successful man in the world.
John's complaining about Paul being too good at his job is both hilarious (what the hell is Paul supposed to do with that) and sad (it shows just how far their musical relationship has degraded from partners to rivals)
How did they lose Northern Songs? Genuinely, if anyone can break it down for me I'd be so grateful. Anyway I'm sure it was devastating for both of them. “Who'd have the children?” “Dick James”.
I know I'm insane, but can I be allowed to see a glimmer of goodness here? I really do think it's John's kinder side winning out when he decides not to lie. Like, yes, he gets a buzz off of watching Paul go white at his words, but I think he also just – in that moment – didn't have the heart to trick Paul into staying.
But also. Why are we trying to maneuver Paul at all if the end game is for John to leave? It just doesn't make sense to try to trick Paul into signing the contract unless John's divorce threat is at the very least not meant to be final.
I will never understand this picture. Even in the emotional state he's in, he's still hamming it up? There is something seriously wrong with this man.
I do find it interesting that the fact that Paul cried his eyes out after that meeting isn't even mentioned in the doc. I wonder why.
Let's put the bizarre, super-warped timeline in this quote aside for a minute. Apparently the depression started after Brian died and it lasted for about two years and John was still in it during Pepper. Okay. That aside . . .
I have to assume this negative lense on what I can only assume means the period between 66 and 68 is highly influenced by hindsight bias. I agree that John was depressed at the time, in an unhappy marriage, doing too much LSD, etc and that looking at Paul's prolific talent and expansive , fast-paced life would have been maddening. But everyone go back to the end of part one really quick. He looks extremely happy. He sounds extremely happy. Everyone who knows him says he's never been happier. I think he just can't accept right now that there was so much good and he's lost it.
“I look from the wings at the play you are staging . . . I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love.”
Insanity quote Hall of Fame. Paul explaining why the Beatles just had to break up, obviously, because he and John "didn't marry the same girl." Someone write the fic where John and Paul both marry the same girl. Could be Yoko or Linda. Sister trad wives au.
Okay, cool, so this means I have full permission to interpret and tin hat about any lyrics I want then, right?
But also. Are we just not going to talk about the fact that Paul dumped a bucket of garbage water and punched this person? And are we not mentioning the depression and alcoholism and heroin abuse during this time?
It's so embarrassing how he looks to her for confirmation here. John, they asked you what you think. Just you. Not some complicated definition. Not Yoko's definition. Just your own thoughts.
“I couldn't wait for them to make up their mind about peace or whatever. About committing themselves.” Yeah, John. You sound real committed to peace. Or whatever. Here's a theory that anyone can shoot down if they want: John asked Paul for some kind of commitment (a friendship wedding, a partnership contract, a mutual wanking pledge) in India and Paul was a chicken about it.
What was that day like, I wonder? I imagine extremely stiff and professional and horrid. But who knows. Maybe it was nice, and maybe that made everything worse.
I will go to my death believing that instant karma was for Paul.
Do we think John actually did send Paul “about twenty postcards from Denmark” all covered in hearts none of which Paul responded to? Paul could be just as cruel in his lack of reaction as John was in his over reaction.
I'm sorry but that is not what a man says when he's just lying to the press to buy time for business. That's what a man says to the press when he's trying desperately to communicate with someone who he can't get through to any other way.
But really, I just don't understand why the creator chose to minimize Paul's emotional response to John's divorce statement. If we don't see him bawling his eyes out and losing the will to live, he comes off like a self-assured, uncaring, jerk. Which. To be fair. John didn't see those things, and that is exactly what John thought of Paul during this time. But still. The audience now comes away from this doc with a skewed view.
All we get is Paul being pissed off about Phil Spector butchering Let it Be without his consent and John and George trying to change McCartney's release date without his consent. Which are both a) understandable and b) strong, male, angry reactions. Making this section portray Paul in the same one-dimensional hyper-masculine way that John so often is. Which isn't my favorite. But hey, it's my only complaint about this doc so far.
Anyway, update: I won't be able to do part three until it gets reuploaded, so we're on hiatus for this project for the time being.
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Ahh im a sucker for angst😭i think pedro would be the most amazing dad but maybe a fic where reader was an unplanned kid and pedro never paid that much attention to her ?? Happy ending if you can i love your writing !
Did You Forget? (Pedro Pascal x Daughter!Reader)
A/N: I'm a sucker for angst too!!! Hope you enjoy this!
A/A/N: Also, for everyone, Don't quote me on where his sister lives or anything like that, I do not know and do not wish to know for their privacy. It's all fiction, so not everything is gonna be realistic.
Word Count: 5,283
Pedro Pascal Masterlist
Warnings: mentions of self harm, depression, and panic attacks.
“I think I’d rather stay home,” you said to your Tia Javeria, you sat down on your bed in protest. You were being sent to spend the day with your dad while he did a press junket for his newest show The Last of Us, you had gotten out of school early for this. Much to your protest, your tia thought it was a good idea for you to spend some quality time with him since you really only saw him in the summers when you spent your summer vacation in New York with him.
Throughout the school year, you stayed in California with your Tia Javeria. Your dad thought it would be wise for you to have a stable environment, rather than constantly being on the road for filming or switching schools because you would have to stay with Javeria. So, in reality, Javeria had full custody over you, it wasn’t something that was through the court, it was just an agreement between the siblings.
What did this mean? You didn’t see your dad too often. Of course, he stayed in California from time to time, he had his own house here, but even then you never stayed with him.
“Y/N, we’ve already spoken about this,” Javeria said, walking into your room to put some clothes away.
You did speak about it, well, she spoke and you listened. Javeria didn’t like seeing her brother neglect his only daughter and well, although Pedro was a family man, he treated his daughter like she was never there. Javeria could never understand why he did it and if she tried to call him out on it, he denied the fact that he was doing it.
She thought that maybe she was overreacting, but it was hard to ignore the facts.
You let out a deep sigh, your dad played a good father on T.V. but it hurt that he couldn’t actually play your father in real life. “Does it even matter at this point?” You asked.
“Does what even matter?”
“Trying to build something that obviously isn’t there.”
Javeria sighed, “He’s trying.”
You shrugged, “I still think he’s just doing it to give him a good image.” You heard the doorbell ring.
“That’s him,” Javeria stated, “I really need you to try, Y/N.”
You wanted to say something clever or petty, but you kept your mouth shut. You respected your tia too much to say it, but you couldn’t help but feel hopeless. Javeria was the only true parent that you had in your life right now and it was sad for you to admit it.
Following Javeria to the front door, you stood off to the side as you watched your dad greet his sister with a big hug. “There she is!” He exclaimed, “You ready? We can’t be late.”
You gave him a nod, walking up to your tia for her to kiss you on the cheek. You didn’t receive a hug like she did, but you were used to it. You walked past your dad and towards his car that was in the driveway.
“Be easy on her,” Javeria began, “She’s had a rough week.”
Pedro sighed, “You say that every time I pick her up.” She gave her brother a sincere look, “Just stating the facts. I’ll bring her back around six.”
The drive to the press Junket was quiet, your dad played the radio as he drove, not saying a word to you.
Not a ‘How was your day?’
Or a ‘How’s softball going, kiddo?’
Nothing like the dads on those sitcoms.
Nothing like the dad in your dreams. The one that would actually be present in your life.
Maybe it was hard for people to ask how you are or to even make conversation.
Once you arrived at your dads' press junket, you watched your dad be swept away by a makeup artist.
“Y/N!” his manager said walking up to you, “so good to see you! How you’ve been?” Or maybe it wasn’t that hard at all.
“Okay,” you said with a small smile.
“Come on, I’ve got to introduce you to Bella!” You knew who Bella was, well, you knew about them. You’ve never met them before, but you’ve heard stories, mostly from your father, and boy did he speak so highly of them. “Bella!” Scott called out, you watched as Bella walked towards the two of you. “Bella, this is Y/N, Pascal’s daughter!”
“Pascal’s daughter?” Bella questioned, but then a second later realization struck. “Oh, I totally forgot Pedro has a daughter! It’s so nice to meet you!”
You forced a smile on your face, even though deep inside you were breaking. Here was Bella, they were the ones that you felt replaced you. They were the ones that your father spoke so highly about as if it was his own child. Yet, you were so forgettable, why? Because you knew your father didn’t speak so highly about you.
“It’s nice to meet you too,” you smiled.
“Are you excited to see the show?” They asked.
“Uh- yeah, I mean, I’m a big fan of the game.”
“Oh yeah, Pedro told me you were,” They said. Someone began calling for Bella, it was time for their interview. They said a quick See you later before walking off. You walked over to the side and saw that your father was already sitting down on a chair next to Bella’s.
Over the next few minutes, you watched as your father spoke among side Bella in an interview. You couldn’t help but feel jealous as your father laughed with Bella the way you wished he did with you.
“Pedro, what made you take this role?”
He laughs, “my nephews actually, they’re huge fans of the show and well, when I told them about the part they told me I had to take it.”
You felt like your memories were lies, you remembered how your dad got the part and that moment was one of the only moments in which you felt like your dad actually cared. Now it was taken from you. All the moments you had left were from you were younger and you didn’t know how much longer you could hold onto them because you felt them slipping away.
One of the crew told everyone to take a break while they set up for the next interview. You felt anger boiling up inside you, you couldn’t handle this any longer. You couldn’t handle watching Bella talk with your dad the way you wish you could or how he treated you the way you wished to be treated. It was all too much.
“We have about fifteen minutes-” Your dad began to say to you, but you quickly pushed past him. “Y/N?” He called out.
You ignored him, making your way towards the hallway, but Bella stepped in front of you, “Hey, Y/N, everything okay?”
“How about you just stop stealing other people’s dads and maybe everything will be okay!” you snapped. You couldn’t believe that you snapped like that, it wasn’t your character and for a moment you felt embarrassed.
“Y/N!” your dad yelled.
But that embarrassment was quickly replaced with anger again. You ignored your dad as you walked into the hallway and out of the building. You heard the door open behind you, “What the hell is wrong with you?!” your dad exclaimed.
“Me? What the hell is wrong with me!?” You yelled. “How about, what the hell is wrong with you!?” Your dad rolled his eyes, “You know what, forget it! I didn’t even want to be here today.”
“Fine,” He snapped, “I told Javeria this was a bad idea anyway!” He pulled out his phone.
“I fucking knew it! I knew you never wanted to spend time with me!” The anger took over and you didn’t try to stop it.
“Well, how could I!? You’re so impossible to deal with!” He yelled.
“Then it’s your fucking lucky day because you won’t have to deal with it much longer! I’m leaving!” you began walking away.
“Don’t expect me to run after you,” He said.
“I don’t!” you heard him sigh and then you heard the sound of the door opening and closing. He wasn’t running after you and you felt okay with that, for the moment. You walked yourself over to the bus stop, your adrenaline still running in your veins. Anger still boiling, you wanted to punch a wall or a tree, but you knew it wasn’t the wisest thing to do.
The bus didn’t take long to arrive and luckily you had enough change in your pocket to make it home. Well, you had enough to go to the stop near your home.
Your mind wandered to what had just happened with your dad, was it even worth calling him dad at this point? Because he didn’t feel like a father.
A father was someone who was there for your children and he wasn’t.
Well, he was, but then he wasn’t. He stopped. It felt like Thanos had snapped his fingers on your earth and your father turned to dust, only, he didn’t turn to dust, he just stopped showing up.
He wasn’t there for your award ceremonies anymore, or any of your games.
The spot next to your tia was now filled with a black silhouette in which you imagined him there. You began to see him more and more on the television and less and less in your own life. Sure, you were happy for him to achieve his dream, but at what cost?
Well, your dad was the cost.
You didn’t have your mother anymore, she died when you were young. The both of you had been involved in a drunk driver accident, which left you without a mother and soon without a father. You were left without a visible scar, but the doctors forgot to check about the invisible damage that could’ve been done.
Did anyone think to check about the invisible damage? No. Now it felt like a dam being held together with tape.
You felt the bus come to a stop, your stop. You got off and walked the rest of the way to Javeria’s house, your house. Once you arrived, you walked in, Javeria was surprised to see you home so soon and she had expected to see her brother follow a second after you, but was met with a door slam.
“Y/N?” she asked as she got up from her spot on the couch, she watched as you tossed your keys into the dish on the coffee table.
“Stop trying,” you said softly, tears in your eyes. “Please.”
“What happened?” you just shook your head, walking up to your room and slamming the door once again. Javeria had a feeling what had happened, maybe she had meddled a little too much this time. She just wanted to see her brother and niece interact the way they used to.
A couple of hours later, Javeria was met with a knock at the door. When she opened it, she saw her brother on the porch looking angry. “Is she here?” Javeria nodded as Pedro walked in, “You wouldn’t believe what your niece did, she snapped at Bella-”
“Your daughter,” she corrected.
“What?”
“You said your niece when you should’ve said your daughter.”
Pedro pinched the bridge of his nose, “She embarrassed me Javeria.”
She shook her head, “For some reason, I don’t blame her for what she did.”
“What?” Pedro asked in a confused manner.
She sighed, “Pedro, don’t you see it?”
“See what?”
“You’re fucking loosing her, dammit! Ever since her mother died, you’ve acted like she doesn’t even exist for fucks sake!” She exclaimed.
Pedro knew what he was doing. Was he doing it purposely? Kind of. Well, at first he wasn’t but then the pain of seeing you and being reminded every single day of what happened, he just couldn’t help it. He didn’t want a reminder of that day, and he didn’t want to hurt you either, but he didn’t stop himself.
“She already doesn’t have a mom and now she feels like she doesn’t even have a dad. Fuck, Pedro, she lives with me. She only sees you a good three months out of the year! Do you even know that she has to go to therapy? And it’s not just because of the accident, but it’s because she feels like you don’t love her.”
“Javeria-”
“No, you need to listen to me because you keep shutting me out when I tell you this. She needs her father back. She needs you, Pedro. I’m trying my best to keep her from falling apart but she’s slipping through my hands.”
Pedro’s heart began to race, and he sat down on the couch, head in his hands, “I didn’t mean to push her away.”
“But you did. You pushed her so far away, she’s in a different state.”
Pedro looked up at his sister with tears in his eyes, “She has to go to therapy because of me? Why didn’t you-”
“I tried telling you.”
Pedro didn’t argue with her on that because she was right. He had shut her out when it came to things about you. He didn’t want to hear it, he felt like knowing anything about you was too much pain because he saw more and more of your mom in you.
“She even started self-harming at one point, we had to hide the knives and anything that she could potentially hurt herself with. She was a mess at one point and I somehow brought her back but I don’t know for how long.” Javeria had a lot to say and she finally was able to get it off her chest. “She needs her dad, Pedro and you’ve been acting like you don’t even want her.”
“Fuck!” He exclaimed as he got up from the couch, “What do I do?”
“Talk to her, Pedro, and actually talk to her.”
Pedro nodded, “alright.” He made his way up the stairs and towards your room. He was about to knock when he heard voices on the other side of the door. He leaned his ear against the door.
“I don’t know, Marciela,” he heard you say. “Sometime’s it feels like I’m just invisible.” He didn’t hear anything for a few seconds. “Maybe you’re right,” he heard you sigh. “Do you ever think about how things would be if you didn’t exist?” you stayed quiet for a moment, “Sometimes I think my dad would be happier if I didn’t exist,” you choked out.
“I fucked up,” Pedro whispered to himself. He stepped away from the door. He couldn’t do it. He needed time to think first. He walked back down the stairs, “I-I…” he began, “I’m gonna pick her up from school tomorrow,” he then stated.
“What happened?”
“I just need to think,” he said as he left the house.
~~
“Sometimes I think my dad would be happier if I didn’t exist,” you choked out.
“Y/N, don’t say that,” Marciela softly said. She had been your best friend since elementary and she has always been the first person you called when you needed someone to just listen.
“It feels like it,” you shrugged. “You should’ve seen the way he was with her, Mar.”
“Things are gonna get better, Y/N. Just remember how he used to be.”
“It just makes me feel worse,” you said. She sighed, you heard someone calling her name on the other end, “Is that your mom?”
“Yeah, I have to go, I’ll see you at school tomorrow okay?”
“Alright.” You ended the call.
You spent the rest of the night in your room, Javeria checked on you multiple times and although you protested, you promised to keep the door open throughout the night. Just for her to feel like you weren’t doing anything that meant hurting yourself.
The next day at school felt like any other day. You met up with Marciela at lunch and filled her in on what had happened after the call. When the lunch bell rang, you and Marciela walked together to your next class, you were lucky to have most classes with her.
“Well, if it isn’t little Miss Pascal,” you heard a voice say from behind you. You rolled your eyes as you turned to face Jenna. Believe it or not, the duo was once a trio. Jenna was you and Marciela’s best friend up until middle school. “I saw your daddy on HBOmax last night.”
“Please don’t call him that,” you cringed.
She rolled her eyes, “It’s funny how he plays the father role so well on T.V. but when it comes to real life,” she chuckles, “doesn’t it make you jealous?”
It did, but you weren’t gonna give her that satisfaction. “I don’t know, does it make you jealous that I at least have a dad?”
“Y/N,” Marciela warned.
“What did you say?” Jenna asked.
“Did I stutter?” you asked Marciela before looking back over at Jenna, “I said does it make you jealous that I at least have a dad because you know, you’re dad left before you were even born.” Jenna glared at you, “Hey, you already know I’d fight back, but I never said I’d fight fair.”
“You’re a little bitch, Y/N. No wonder your dad never wants to be around you.”
“Takes a bitch to know a bitch, it’s no wonder your dad left,” you turned around to walk away, but you didn’t expect Jenna to lunge at you. You fell to the ground, landing on your nose, groaning in pain you turned around to face Jenna. She was quick with her punches catching you off guard. You held up your arms to cover your face, giving you a chance to push her to the ground.
It didn’t take long for the crowd, which was quick to surround the two of you, to draw the attention of the teachers. One of them dragged Jenna away from you as she tried to lunge toward you again.
“Principal's office, now!” the teacher yelled as he pulled Jenna by the arm. “The rest of you get to your classes!”
Another teacher helped you up from the ground, and you lost your balance, “Whoa, easy,” he said as held your arms.
“Holy shit,” Marcela said as she looked at the blood on the floor.
You already knew your nose was broken, just by the throbbing feeling you had. The teacher helped you walk to the nurse's office, and she was able to stabilize your nose until someone could get you to the ER.
You knew that someone meant Javeria. You waited in the nurse's office for the receptionist to call Javeria. Not too long after you heard the door open, footsteps soon followed. You heard someone clear their throat.
“It wasn’t my fault, Javeria,” you began to say, looking up, but it wasn’t Javeria. It was your dad. “Where’s Tia Javeria?”
Pedro felt his heart drop at the sight of your nose and bruised eye. He sighed, opening his mouth to speak, but the door opened and Javeria walked in.
“Oh my god,” she exclaimed at the sight of her niece. “We’re suing!”
You and your dad couldn’t help but chuckle at her initial reaction, “We’re not suing.”
She looked over at her brother in disbelief, “Her nose is gonna be all crooked! We’re suing.”
Your eyes widened, “Wait, it is?”
Pedro rolled his eyes, “No, it isn’t.”
Javeria sighed, “Let’s get you to the E.R.”
“But what abou-”
“Already dealt with,” your dad said. You shrugged, following them out of the nurse's office. You noticed that they both came in separate cars, meaning that your dad came here on his own free will. “I got it,” you heard him say. You turned around to see Javeria giving him a look, it was a look only siblings knew. Pedro nodded at her.
“Alright, I’ll see you at home then,” you watched her walk up to her car.
“Come on,” you heard your dad say.
You expected the car ride to the E.R. to be quiet, but you were surprised. “Looks pretty bad,” he began to say.
“She surprised me,” you responded.
He hummed in response, “principal is giving you a few days to rest,” he began, “I thought you and Jenna were friends though.”
“We were friends, but we had a falling out in middle school.”
There was that feeling again. He really didn’t know you anymore. “Really?” You nodded. This whole time he thought everything was the same with you, but little did he realize you had grown up.
He remained quiet for the rest of the ride to the E.R. mostly because he didn’t know what to say. He was still in shock about all the information he had found out in the past twenty-four hours and he didn’t know how to talk to you.
Once at the E.R., he made sure to help you out of the truck. He also made sure that they checked to make sure you didn’t have a concussion. They did some X-Rays and CT Scans, all highly suggested by your dad who was feeling overly anxious and kept asking the nurse to make sure to do every test.
You didn’t know how to feel as you watched your dad suddenly act like… like a dad.
After all the tests, the doctor came in to let you know that you had a small concussion and your nose needed to be realigned. He explained that he would numb your nose before proceeding.
Sitting down on the exam bed, you prepared yourself for the worst. You watched as a nurse came in with a tray, setting it down on the side. You took in a deep breath when you saw the needle. Your dad quickly noticed your behavior, “hey, hey, look at me,” he said gently. You looked at him, tears welling up in your eyes, “close your eyes.” He took a hold of your hand.
You closed your eyes, “Now talk to me about anything,” he said, trying to distract you from what was going on. He nodded at the nurse, telling her to proceed.
“Um, well, I learned Matilda on the guitar the other day,” you began to say, eyes still closed.
“Matilda… isn’t that the Harry Styles song?” He asked as he gently rubbed your hand.
“Yeah, Marecela suggested it, it’s one of her favorite songs.”
“All done,” the nurse said.
You opened your eyes, and you didn’t feel a thing. “I forget how good that technique works,” you said as you watched the nurse walk out of the room.
“Used to do that with you all the time when you were a kid and I took you to the doctor.”
“I remember,” you whispered.
He opened his mouth to speak when the door opened and the doctor walked in. “Alright, let’s see how numb you are,” the doctor said. You weren’t completely numb yet, but the doctor took that time to explain the aftercare for your nose. Once he had done the alignment he placed a splint and some packing. He handed your dad a prescription for antibiotics and sent you on your way.
You got back in your dad's car, “I gotta go somewhere first before we pick up your prescription,” he said as he put his seatbelt on.
“Okay.” Part of you was trying to take in what had just happened, how you were going to live with a broken nose for the next couple of months. Then the other part was just amazed at how your dad was treating you so suddenly. You were surprised he wasn’t yelling at you for what had happened yesterday.
He drove for a while but eventually turned into a parking lot that overlooked the ocean. He put the car in park and turned the car off. You didn’t say anything at first, unsure of what you were doing there. “When your mom died, I felt like my world was crashing down,” he began to say, “but you lived and I felt like maybe everything would be okay.” He sighed, “But you look so much like her, and you act like her, it’s like she copy and pasted.”
You remained quiet, “you were not planned.”
“Gee, thanks,” you said sarcastically
“Let me finish,” he sighed. “Initially, I didn’t want kids, not yet anyway. But I wanted kids with her and so, I grew to the idea of kids and you were my world. Then your mom passed and it felt like you were just a reminder of pain.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want you to understand what I was thinking.”
“You want me to feel sorry for you?”
“No, I want you to understand, that I couldn’t look at you without thinking of your mother so, I shut you out. I thought you as the kid that I never wanted-”
“I know you never wanted me, you made it perfectly clear.”
“Mija, please, just listen,” you sighed, “I was just trying to avoid grieving your mother and you were in the line of fire. So, I reverted back to thinking that you were unplanned and it didn’t matter, but it does matter. You were and always have been my whole world and I will never forgive myself for what I did to you.” You looked at your feet the entire time, not daring to look at him for fear that you would end up crying. You didn’t want to cry, not now anyway. “Mija,” he said gently.
“What?” you hissed.
“Can you look at me?” you shook your head, and he gently placed his hand on your chin, careful to not touch any bruises. He gently moved your head so you could look at him, “There she is.”
You moved your head away from his hands, “No, you don’t get to just come back whenever you want and think it’ll be okay.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know!” you yelled, tears welling up in your eyes. “You left me when I needed you the most! You left and I didn’t know if it was because of me or because of Mom, you left without giving me a reason why! Did you forget about me!? Because it felt like I didn’t even exist to you!”
Pedro felt like he didn’t have the right to speak, the hands of guilt crawled their way up his throat. He choked back his tears, he did this.
“I felt like I lost both parents,” you choked. “And then I saw you treat Bella like she was your daughter and I kept thinking, that should be me.” Tears fell down your cheek, “I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why you could treat her like that when I was right there begging for you to even give me a sliver of attention!” You felt like the doors to the car were caving in as you tried to take a deep breath.
“Mija, breathe,” your dad tried to console you.
You couldn’t catch your breath. Your hands shook as you felt your heart thudding in your chest. Not now, you thought. You held your hand against your chest.
Pedro was quick to notice, he opened his door, jumped out of the car, and ran to your side of the car. He opened your door and quickly knelt down beside you, “Mija, breathe with me,” he said as he took a hold of your hand, “Inhala,” he inhaled, holding it for three seconds, “exhala.” He exhaled. “Do it with me.”
You nodded as you inhaled with him and then exhaled. It took a few minutes for your breathing to go back to normal.
“You needed me,” he still had your hands in his, “I’m sorry, Y/N. I don’t think I can ever make it up to you, but I am going to spend the rest of my life trying if you’ll let me.” It was all you wanted. He gently rolled up your sleeve, placing a soft touch on your scars. “I’m sorry if I am the reason these exist,” you watched as tears flowed down his cheeks.
He then did something you didn’t expect him to do, he placed a gentle kiss on your wrist and it was enough for you. You let out the sob that was dying to be let out, and he pulled you in for an embrace, “I’m sorry, muñeca.”
You wrapped your arms around him, “I don’t think I could ever forgive myself, but from here on out, it’s me and you, okay? I’m gonna change things, no more staying with Javeria. I’m sorry I did it in the first place, it was selfish of me. I want you to know that my life wouldn’t be better without you in it. My life would suck without you, Mija. I have just been a shitty dad and I’m sorry.” ”
You wanted to say that it was okay, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay at all, but you were so used to always saying ‘it’s okay,’ that you had to tell yourself that this time it’s fine if you don’t say it. You could not say it and not feel guilty, especially if it’s not your fault.
“What do you say? Are you willing to give your dad a second chance?”
You needed your father and your heart would probably give him a million chances, even if it couldn’t handle it, but for now, you were willing to give him a second chance. You nodded, “Okay.”
He pulled you in again for another embrace, this time he held on for as long as he could. Pedro wanted to make up for all the times you needed an embrace and he wasn’t there.
After a while, Pedro got back into his side of the car. He took you to get your prescription before taking you back to Javerias. You both walked in with smiles on your faces causing Javeria to smile too.
“Everything okay?” she asked.
Pedro placed a small kiss on your temple, “Go grab your things.” You nodded as you ran up the stairs. Pedro waited until you were out of earshot range.
“Well?”
“I don’t know how she forgave me,” he choked back a sob. “I’m such a horrible father,” he sobbed.
“A horrible father wouldn’t have done what you just did,” Javeria stated as she pulled her brother in for an embrace. “Just promise me, you won’t break her heart again, I don’t think she can handle it, Pedro.”
“I won’t,” he let out a deep breath, wiping away his tears. “She’s gonna stay with me tonight, we’ll come back for the rest of things later.”
She smiled, “That’s fine.” She looked at her brother in awe, “I’m proud of you, Pedro.”
He smiled at her, “Thank you.”
You came running down the stairs with a bag of your essentials. “Is that everything?” Javeria asked.
“Yeah, it’s just the main stuff,” you explained. She nodded, and you said a quick goodbye, knowing that you’ll be back the next day.
The car ride to your dad's house was different than the past few car rides. This time he had music playing, “So, we’re still friends with Marcela?” And he asked questions.
“Yes, best friends.”
“What about Monica?”
You shrugged, “We talk a little bit.”
He sighed, “You mentioned playing the guitar, when did you pick that up?”
“Beginning of the year, I was a bit bored,” you smiled genuinely. Your mind still felt weary about the situation but you wanted to trust your heart for once. You ached for the presence of your father in your life and now was finally your chance and you weren’t going to let it go.
Pedro Pascal Taglist: @tracysnook @cilliansangel @change-the-world-someday @graciegoeskrazy @oggystine93 @t-stark35 @twkobii @picklehat3r @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @white-wolf-buckaroo @steadydragongalaxy @rooting4theantihero @soupinasock @tracysnook @Ilovehotdadsandshit @dzaga890 @marantha @emmasauger
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Crystal Snow (Mina)
A/N: Again, happy new year! Sorry the story is coming out a little bit late, but there it is. An idol OC with the Mina, she's not the secretary anymore. There should be a smut part, actually, but I don't really have the mood to write it, so I just keep the fluff part. Anyway, thanks for your support, and please enjoy.
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Like a wee, crystal star
I should drift, I should blow
Near, more near,
To my dear
Where he comes through the snow.
“Snow Song” by Sara Teasdale
11 July, 2019 JYPE Building
Hello, this is JYPE.
This is an announcement regarding the status of Mina’s health.
Mina is currently struggling with sudden extreme anxiety and insecurity towards performing on stage. No exact diagnosis has been identified yet, and we are consulting with several medical professionals to verify the cause in detail.
After extensive discussion with Mina and members of TWICE, we have decided that Mina’s current condition requires additional treatment, professional measures, and sufficient rest. Along with this decision, Mina will not be attending the following schedule:
– TWICE World Tour 2019 “TWICELIGHTS”
Health of our artist is our top priority, so we will do everything possible to provide the best possible measures including medical treatment and sufficient rest for Mina’s recovery.
We ask for the sincere support of fans so that Mina can recover soon.
Thank you.
‘You promised me you won’t let Mina gets hurt! What are you doing?’ Your roar occupies the room, the others try their best to keep their breath as quiet as they can, not wanting to ignite you further.
‘I know, Y/N. But Twice is still growing rapidly, we cannot stop at this moment. Other girl groups are chasing their progress real quick, you know how success Blackpink and IZ*ONE this year. I am really sorry about Mina, but we just… I hope you can understand, Y/N.’ The tone of the CEO seems sad, but you couldn’t feel any on her face.
‘No matter what, you should not make any of the artist overwork or get any injury. Is this what you call JYP Nation? A family? This definitely not a part of the core value of PD nim’s idea.’
‘Park Jin Young xi is not responsible for the management of the artist anymore, the core value he has maybe different with us.’ The CEO still answers in a tone that he seems really not care.
You cannot hold your manner anymore, you punch the desk loudly, ‘If you think we are not important, then I will not renew the contract with JYP after my contract expire next year, I can do nothing but this to protect me and Mina.’
‘Did you consider your members? Did you consider Mina’s career?’ The CEO does not take your threaten seriously. ‘Maybe you should calm down first before we discuss again, we will announce you could not attend any schedule by this year. You should take some rest together with Mina.’
Days after Days, you are forced to see other members to participate the schedule, while you can do nothing. You could only spend more time with Mina, either at your home, or visiting the doctor with her. Mina is recovering really good under the accompany of you, she starts to smile again, she is no longer panic when she is in the crowd. Although she still don’t know what you have sacrificed for her.
You have tried to have a date with her outside, but you found that even both of you are covered in mask and caps, it’s too risky if anyone find out that the members of the National Boy group and Girl group are secretly dating, the massive noises are going to torn Mina that have not been fully recovered from the depression. However, at the new year’s eve, you still decided to bring Mina go out as you know she has dreamt for the new year’s float parade for long time, she is just unavailable due to the tight year end schedule.
The snow has been continuously for 3 days, the whole Seoul are covered in white, you believe that you and Mina will not be spotted on street easily as usual. You turn your head from the window back to the house, Mina has finished the LEGO car you bought her.
‘Dang, Dang.’ Mina sits next to you naturally, showing the LEGO she has just finished. ‘I finished it before we going out, can I get a new one?’ The way she speaks just like a kid asking for rewards from her parents.
‘Yeah, how would I reject Minari, right? Let’s get you a new year gift then.’ You pull her in your arms and kiss her suddenly, you hug her tightly despite she keeps hammering you chest, showing her protest. ‘ I wanna have my new year’s gift first, can I’ Her bouncing chests show that she is still recovering from the fierce kiss. ‘Yah… why are you so naughty…’
‘I don’t know why I am so naughty when I am with you. Perhaps it’s because of love.’ You caress her face lightly, feeling her smile when she hears your confess. ‘You should get some rest before the parade, you must be tired from playing LEGO.’ You put Mina back on the couch and lay your head on her thigh. The silence in the house does not make you feel awkward, instead you are feeling safe than anytime when Mina is next to you. The sleepiness slowly take over your body from the cold, you slowly close your eyes and fall asleep.
You don’t know how long you have been slept, you wake up on her legs again. Mina seems does not notice your awake yet as the book of poems she reads is covering at your face. The smell of the cool cedar aroma surrounding you, all you can hear is the grinding sound of Mina turning the pages of the book from time to time, you just feel every minute is still and peaceful, you close your eyes again.
Mina finally stops after finishing the 11th chapter, she moves her neck to relax a little bit, lower her head to take a peek of you. When she realized you have woke up, she closes the book softly, and look at your features gently.
‘So handsome…’ She told herself, no matter how many times she watches you, her Y/N is still handsome.
‘Mina?’ Not hearing the sounds of turning pages, you open your eyes, then you meet her gentle sight with her smile.
‘I am here.’
‘Why did you stop?’ You return her with a smile.
‘I miss you.’
You are shocked by her direct confession. ‘I didn’t know Minari is good at flirting.’ Seeing she does not refute, you take her hand with a smile and kiss the back of her hand. ‘Which chapters are you watching?’
‘The 11th, Sara Teassdale, “Snow Song”’
‘Can you read it for me?’
‘Sure.’ Mina nods as she smiles, her slim and long fingers open the book again.
“Fairy snow, fairy snow,
Blowing, blowing everywhere.”
“Would that I
Too, could fly
Lightly, lightly through the air.”
Mina studying a poem is always unexpectedly charming, her childhood in America allows her to have good understanding of the American pronunciation, meanwhile her Japanese accent makes it looks cute.
“Like a wee, crystal star
I should drift, I should blow.”
“Near, more near,
To my dear
Where he comes through the snow.”
The snow outside the window is still blooming, and even the occasional whiz of the wind properly matches the situation expressed in the poem. You look at the movement of Mina’s pink lips, her beautiful voice gently entering your ears. You feel so blessed for what you are having right now.
The happiness makes your heart begin to pop, so finally when Mina finished, you get up and hook her neck. ‘Mina.’
‘Umm?’ She puts down the book.
‘We still have a few hours before the parade starts…’ You kiss Mina’s sideburns with a naughty smile. ‘How about we doing something else first?’
Mina only knows what you mean when she feels your hand sneak under her pajamas, the cool touch of your fingertip is like a stone thrown into a calm lake, after stirring up the water named desire, the ripples of soft and indestructible layers appear. Your tender kiss moving from her bridge of the nose down to her lips, Mina’s slender eyelashes uncontrollably quiver with her floating heart.
The air gradually become enchanting, Mina feels herself in a trance that she is farther and farther from the shore, but she is not afraid of it, just…
‘Not here.’ Mina whispers. She only has a moment of clarity after the long kiss is ended, she pushes you away lightly, turn around her head to catch her breath, her ears are notably red.
‘Where should we go then?’ You smirk.
Mina stands up silently, does not uncover your rhetorical spice. She holds your hand, fundus with a faint smile, struggled for a moment but still decide to follow your words. ‘Bedroom, our bed.’
Hearing her answer, you do not hesitate anymore, and directly hug her into your room...
You underestimate the magic of love, when you and Mina arrive the area of parade, it is approaching the end of the event already. You cannot see a single float on the street, although the crowd has not disbanded yet.
‘Sorry…’ You press the cap on your head, and shake Mina’s hand with regret.
‘Umm? Why sorry?’ Mina turns her head at you, asks curiously.
‘We miss this year’s parade because of me… We may not having holiday at next year.’
‘But because of you, every single day of this year I feel so happy.’ Mina interrupts your apology, but you know she is not lying, her smile cannot be covered by her mask. She pull down her mask a little bit to kiss your cheek, and then put her arm around you. ‘Are you hungry? Should we buy some food before returning home?’
‘Sure.’ You happily hook back her arm and walk towards the night market.
Both of you walking past the night market, the bags on your hands are becoming more and more, but you still cannot find the Taiyaki you are looking for. When you thought that you are going to be disappointed tonight, ‘There!’ Mina points to a red sign board at the end of the street, it’s a big Taiyaki sign that signaling they are selling the snack that you have searched for all night.
You take Mina’s hand, walking faster to the shop, but you were soon blocked by two girls standing in your way.
‘Hi! Sorry! Are you Y/N Oppa!?’ One of the girl ask.
‘You must be Y/n Oppa right? We are your fans! We love you very very much! Can we get your autograph?’ Another girl says.
‘Ummm… yeah, thank you for your support.’ You hesitantly look at Mina, you have no idea when she has let go of your hands and waiting aside of you, don’t wanna spotted out by your fans. Her thin feature looks weaker under the street light, you don’t know why you would feel sad suddenly.
You take the pen that your fan give you, wanting to finish the little autographing session as soon as possible, so you can bring Mina leaving here. However, right after you finished signing for that two fans, more fans arrived and soon you are surrounded. ‘Y/N Oppa! I love you so much!’
‘Thank you, thanks a lot for your support. I really gonna go now, happy new year and please keep supporting ADDiction next year.’ Until your hands start to feel tired, you finally decided to reject the newcomers, you give a bow and turn around to leave quickly.
‘Mina!’ You look around nervously, but you can’t find the figure of your love. You bite your lips regretfully, totally forgot your could contract her with your phone. You keep running on the road, shouting Mina’s name occasionally.
‘Perhaps Mina has returned to home already?’ You told yourself, not hesitating anymore and run to the direction of your home. Even the light of the Taiyaki sign is still shining brightly, all you want now is to catch Mina on her way.
You get closer and closer to the Taiyaki shop, you find a familiar figure coming out from the store. ‘Mina!’
Mina could hear your calling right after she leaves the store, she looks at the direction of the sound, all she see is you are flying to her. Mina feels this scene is kind of familiar, she moves her lips, just trying to ask you did anything just happened, the next second she already feels herself hugged in your arms tightly.
No one knows how long did you two hugging, the warm sensation of the embrace magnified her senses, she dazed for a second, finally understand why the scene right now is so familiar to her.
It' s the scene of the 11th poem. Should she do the same thing as the poem for next?
'Can I kiss you?’ Mina did not even wait for your answer, she grabs your face and kisses you with a smile. Mina’s kiss just like winter snow falling on shoulder, soft, cool and delicate. At the moment when the whole world is filled with snow, you suddenly recalled the 11th poem from this morning.
At the last day of 2019, you once again determined that, Mina will be the only snow for the rest of your life.
I should fly to my love
Like a flake in the storm,
I should die,
I should die,
On her lips that are warm.
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Ok but like
Family angst thought
Imagine miguel and readers daughter as like a teenager finds out who her father really is and goes against him as the knew spider-women.
They have a big fight. Miguel loses (mostly becuase he kinda held back. Not wanting kill his child).
Miguel lays on ruble as he looks up to his daughter. Her fist are bloody and bruised but most of the blood wasnt hers. Tears streaming down her face as she looks at him with a misture of anger, hurt and sadness.
Miguel feels betrayed. But a small part of him feels pride with how strong she is. The perfect combination of her parents.
Anyways, miguel goes to jail for his crimes (reader visits him like every day).
And now their duaghter is depressed and stuff about her dad being evil and in jail.
One day though. She is invited to join the spider-verse with people like herself. Good spider-people unlike her family (besides her mom).
Imagune her surprise when she finds out that the leader of the spider society was a variant of her dad. And she knows he’s not but she keeps her distance from him till she was assigned a mission with him.
As the mission goes on, she has a blast with him as theu fight the villains. At the end of the fight miguel congrats her and she says “thanks, dad“
He turns to her like ’what did you say?’ and doesn’t say anything to her the rest of te day.
When she gets home she locks herself in her room and has a full on break down.
She picks up a picture of her and her father from when she was little. A happy memory. One if the few pictures of miguel ever smiling. She thows it against the wall.
Reader comes in and hilds ger daughter till the tears dry away.
𝐼𝑚 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦 𝑖𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝑏𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ.
CRIES HORRIBLY
NOT ONLY FOR THE CHILD BUT ALSO FOR ATSV MIGUEL
Bc like, I can just imagine that ATSV Miguel would only recruit reader's daughter solely bc he has no idea about the kid's family history.
So like, imagining Miguel hearing those words might just break him to look into that world. Bc shiiiiit, Villain!Miguel will have a bunch of kids, not all of them are gonna be like Gabi look-a-likes and whatnot
But I feel for the daughter, like that gotta hurt to put your own father away in jail. Especially since Villain!Miguel would never hurt his own family. Sure, he give them harsh training and courses, but never hurt them.
Reader would still be the glue to try and fix things, wanting to comfort her daughter but also missing her husband.
It's a painful scenario, but like all villains, Miguel will come out soon.
What he does after, well, I would like to say he would try to make up to his daughter since he doesn't want to see his vision fall apart....But also bc he loves his kids....despite never admitting it.
But then again, if he didn't change for reader...He won't change for anyone. Miguel would just have to find a new way to manipulate his own kids.
If he even could.
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PICK A CARD reading
What do you need to work on?
Pile 1 -> Pile 2
Pile 3 -> Pile 4
Deck used: Dark Wood Tarot
TIPS | BOOK A READING WITH ME | PATREON | LINKTREE | SUGGEST A PAC TOPIC
Pile 1
2 of Pentacles
"We've been breathing underwater no we don't know how/ Time will keep us moving so don't turn back now" Closer every day - Chris Malinchak, Stealth
Hi, pile 1, I think it's really interesting that you picked an illustration with a person almost drowning and then this song came up. I feel like things have been difficult lately, it might be that you've been feeling like you're barely been able to keep up with everything that's going on in your life. With the 2 of Pentacles thrown in here as well, you may have been in a situation where you're trying to deal with two big things at once. Like, say for example, you're dealing with your own problems and a helping a friend deal with their problems as well. The first message that is coming for you pile 1 is that you need to prioritize because you won't be able to keep every ball in the air.
Now onto what you need to work on. The 2 of Pentacles is a card of duality and flexibility, of making space for a little bit of everything. For me this means that you need to work on not seeing things so black and white. I think that the people in this pile either have a bit of a fatalistic view of things or are super happy go lucky with no in-between. Spirit is asking you to try and look at things in a different way. Maybe things aren't all terrible - or maybe they aren't perfect. You need to recognize the good, the bad and the neutral in every situation. Also, you don't need to have a super strong and unchangeable opinion on everything. It's okay to change your mind as you grow and learn, and sometimes you won't have an opinion at all - and that is perfectly fine.
Going back to this difficult situation that you have been going through, maybe take a little bit to think about it and try to see it from a different angle. Has anything good come out of it? What is a simple thing that you could do that would make this situation better? Try to keep it as simple as possible, sometimes our fears and worries make our problems seem more monstrous than they truly are. As a last little message: be brave and keep going! You're so so strong and as your song says you're getting closer every day. Don't give up now!
Pile 2
The Sun
"Wake me when I fall" Wake me - Messages To Bears
Hey there, pile 2! First of all let me ask, how are you? Are you okay? This may not be for everyone, but I am getting deep sadness and depression vibes from this pile. There's almost a sense of mourning here. You may have recently lost someone or something that was very important to you. Some of you may have never even had this thing to begin with - like you wanted to get into a certain college but you didn't make it. Honestly the vibe here is like seeing the first rays of sunlight, but not being entirely convinced yet that it will rise indeed. I have this feeling that despite this loss and this longing you want to be hopeful, but you're not seeing enough proof that everything will be alright yet.
With the Sun card here more than working towards something (even though yes you do have to work for it) I think that what you need is reassurance. And I really want to give it to you pile 2. Yes, everything will be okay. No, the future won't undo what has been taken from you and it won't erase the pain you have been and you are going through. But you will laugh again, you will feel the sunshine on your skin again and you will feel happy and content. This was not the end. Your future is still being built and it wants to tell you that you will be alright. Side note, but the song "A quarter past five" by Avi Kaplan just came to mind because he sings something like "It turns out fine". And yeah pile 2 it does turn out fine.
Your life is currently in expansion, maybe it's really hard to see it yet, but it is. You will be safe, healthy and happy. The only thing that Spirit wants you to do is to hold on. Keep being hopeful, keep one foot after the other and you will get there. There isn't a future without pain, that's just impossible, but there is a future filled with joy and contentment ready for you.
Pile 3
The Tower
"Have I found you, flightless bird? / Or lost you, American mouth?" Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
Pile 3, the Tower is the card of destruction, but in your reading, rather than predict disaster this card is asking you to evaluate your behaviors. Have you been unnecessarily aggressive lately? Have you been lashing out at the people who love you? Even if you don't necessarily mean to, mean words may have been quick on your tongue lately. Spirit wants you to think about these misplaced aggressions. Who are you really angry with? or What are you really angry about? There are other, healthier, ways to use this anger. Art or sports could be a way to channel this aggression in a way that would make you feel better and that wouldn't hurt your loved ones. The most important thing to realize though is that misplacing your anger/taking it out on others doesn't make you a bad person. Realizing that you're doing it and not making an effort to change though, does.
This isn't necessarily the case for everyone though. I feel like some of you are taking it out on yourselves instead of other people. Simple thoughts like "oh you're so stupid" or "you screw everything up" are signs of self-aggression. Just like the others, I ask you to stop and to think what is causing that anger and why are you taking it out on yourself. Why do you feel that you deserve bad things? This is difficult work, but that will make you feel so much better.
Others of you may be trying to make trouble on purpose as a way to gain attention. This could be literal trouble, like stealing or cheating, or it could be a more subtle form like provoking someone into a fight. Again, we make no judgments here. But ask yourself why do you feel like you can't just ask other people for their attention? What or Who is making you feel unseen? You deserve to be loved just as you are pile 3 and you don't need to be perfect or to cause trouble to deserve other's attention.
Pile 4
7 of Pentacles
"I don't love very often when I do I love too hard" Stupid Boys - Cassidi
Pile 4, according to Sasha Graham (the creator of the Dark Wood Tarot) the 7 of Pentacles is a card of slumber. For you, the work you have to do is subtle in a way, because it's hard to realize all the small little things that we do and that hurt us in the long run. Constantly and without us realizing we continue to hurt ourselves until it's hard to understand where our problems are coming from. You need to wake up pile 4. I know that there are times when we just want to curl up into a ball and daydream our days away, but what you need to do right now is the opposite of that. You need to gather your courage and wake up. Go slowly at first, just watching, paying attention to yourself. What opportunities are you losing without even noticing, because you're afraid? These could be really "simple", like being invited to go out with a group of friends and refusing because you've been anxious. You think that going out will be worse for your anxiety, but the more that you keep refusing these outings the more your anxiety grows. You are giving it power, essentially. This is just an example, but some of you might actually have anxiety (also I also have it and I know that it's really easy to talk, but very hard to actually to take action).
Another big thing that you need to face is fear. What are you afraid of? What is fear taking from you? What would be the worst possible outcome of something? And then I need you to realize something, you are the one in control here, not your fears. They might freak you out, but they are not in control. Let's imagine that you're in a car with your fears, you're the one driving not them. They might try to grab the steering wheel, they may scream at you to slow down, they may be annoying as shit, but you're still the one driving. You get to decide your path, not your fears.
Ultimately, pile 4 there are big opportunities ahead of you, but you need to wake up, be brave and grab them.
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