#hard enough to shut my brain up

[malikselfindulgence]

Sorry for the uptick in system stuff Im lowkey struggling and need to see system positivity posts or I'll explode

#malik's rambles #okay i know my ass is gonna vent in tags rn so . tw for that !! #iwill never shut up i missed tumblr tags so much wow #itsnot their fault and like . like i dont want to blame them . but its so isolating being and living this way #ill always be grateful for them and I know its just my brain trying to cope and like !! its not their fault but this sucks so bad like wow #also doesnt help that besides how scared I am and how I just . wanna be normal . I feel like I sound insane to other people #it constantly feels like everyone is laughing at us and is just playing along with our “roleplay thing” because they dont wanna bother #and like !! im trying really really hard to be positive about it and just live as well as I can . all of us are !! but it makes me feel like #ridiculous . it feels like everyone'll laugh and think we're playing pretend. which shouldnt matter people will always be assholes !! #I dunno aough im rantingso hard rn . and masa2 wont share which is fine but imscared and worried and scared and aauahhggggggggg #ik the point of the disorder is to hide memories from me so i can function but like . man this suckss9 bad #okay enough of this . Imgonna watch monsters inc i love monsters inc

[theblackdog-taylorsversion]

.

#i really fucking hate my brain right now #i put on a pair of jeans today #and they're the only jeans i bought when i was at my lowest with my eating #which means they're the smallest ones i have #and i put them on td and they were tighter than usual #and i fucking hate that im using them as a yardstick for my body but i still do it #and i know logically they're just tighter because 1. im actually fucking eating properly #and 2. i'm bloated anyway from my period #but there was this little voice in the back of my head screaming at me that im not fucking good enough and nobody will ever want me #and i've made alot of progress with my eating #i've not intentionally skipped a meal in almost a month #but my mind wont shut the fuck up #and my partner always says “text me if you need me” but i cant #because it's the middle of the night and for once #for ONCE #theyre actually taking care of themselves and sleeping #and it'd be so shitty to ruin that because i know that thats really hard for them #so now i'm just lying in the dark listening to music #and trying to drown out my thoughts with it #but it's not fucking working and nothings fucking working and im so so scared im going to relapse again #because i dont want to do that anymore but i dont feel like i have a fucking choice #and nobody will probably read this except alex #gods bless them #but i just needed to write the words #because if i dont do something #i'll do something else that id regret a lot more #tw eating #tw eating disorder #ed vent

[southern--downpour]

for some reason my brain has very strong opinions on the music tastes of marble hornets characters & bc of this i cannot listen to almost any playlist for em cause theyre all Wrong

#tim listens to the combo of early 2000's dadrock and country/folk music #(bro owns a banjo. no normal person who doesnt listen to country music owns a banjo.) #scene kralie is very funny to me but also not far off #alex listens to early 90's emo and is VERY opinionated on it #he will rant at length about what does and does not constitute as emo music and does not care if you are listening #jay listens to 90's/2000's hardcore and just tunes out whatever the fuck alex is talking about #also like. the type of indie music that sounds like it was recorded in a garage and mixed on a toaster. #brian just listens to whatevers on the radio and doesnt think abt it farther than that #anything that wasnt like top 20's pop and country radio he got from tim #(they all however have the top 20's country songs at any given time memorized. only brian has them memorized willingly) #shut up virgil #i cant make a brian playlist cause id be laughing to hard listening to it #cause its just the Worst mixed bag of music #also me saying all the playlists are wrong is an exaggeration. do what you want lmao i am just very particular abt character playlists #id comment on like. jessica's but i have to read the comics to know more abt her #not enough info for my brain to grab hold of in the og

[willowser]

hey, wait a minute but what about like. exiled prince touya, that fled his kingdom and joined up with some ragtag group of vagrants. and at first they were all, "yeah, we spit on the king's name, hope he falls dead in the privy, someone should really off that guy" and the next thing everyone knows, there's a loose assassination plan in place for enji.

that falls flat, of course.

but during the whole ordeal, dabi's identity gets leaked because he can't help but to proudly announce to the entire castle that the crown-prince has returned for revenge, and when everything goes to hell and the gang — the league — is left running back home to regroup — no one is dropping this thing about dabi being prince touya, and why were they even trying to assassinate enji, anyway; why don't they just go for the gold, the whole kingdom ?

so suddenly touya is back inside himself, a royal yet again, and what is an heirless usurper gonna do in the event that he dies ? well, he's gonna need a little wife, won't he ? couple of brats to make sure his legacy — his dream, of burning the king to the ground — lives on, right ?

#was trying to think outside the box with prince touya !! and what if he was just trying to be someone else !! #living in tue wild #maybe a bounty hunter or something #but he gets swept away by this group that seems to hate the king as much as he does #that actually would be crazy enough to take action against him #but before long — they know who he is and he cant escape his roots #no matter how hard he tries #and suddenly he's married and needing a son so he can go to war against his father and he doesnt know what to do !!! #wifbruwhqoandiqkabdk #...will need to write something for this or my brain will get worms #no he doesn’t want to be married. no he doesnt want to have children. no he doesnt want to have to try and try over and over to make sure — #— it takes......but you know what....you might not be so bad after all 👀 #✿ willow writes #✿ shut up willow #✿ thoughts: dabi/touya

[knightoflove]

Do you ever have someone say something to/about you and go ‘yeah this is gonna stick around for a while’

#I was joking about how my new fear is getting food poisoning. that I think everything is going to make me sick #we were deciding something to eat and I just joked like ‘this is my newest fear my brain is obsessing over isn’t that inconvenient lol’ #but my mom just goes ‘I can’t do this right now. I can’t deal with your stuff right now’ and walks out #and like yeah she’s feeling bad but… that really hurt #like I try SO HARD to not be annoying to my parents #I already feel like a failure as is #I’ve shut up about having trouble at work #I try not to complain about finances #I feel like I can’t even talk to them anymore. like I’m always pestering them #trust that I would move out if I could. if I had a job that paid enough or friends that were looking for roommates #or both #I’d move out. #but I can’t. #vent tw #illness mention #I can’t wait to see my therapist

[cinna-bunnie]

i didn't immediately get a follow-up text saying someone i hung out with had a good time

#😔 my brain is sooooo annoying #i hope there is a Next Time™ though 🥲 i had a rly nice time and.. i don't have reason to Not think they didn't have a good time #👉👈 but ppl can b nice and still ghost u. i just hope that's not the case this time 😭 I've rly been hoping this friendship works out #and if it doesn't tbh I'll be SO upset about it 😭 like if this doesn't work then idk what will man #just give up and be a shut in who does god knows what all day because being a person is too hard #this is like the longest I've talked w anyone from tinder and the most I've actually carried conversation on discord #and we hung out yesterday for the first time and it Seemed good but i haven't heard from them today #and i feel dumb and silly for feeling this way..? being anxious and hopeful has a girl holding her breath all the time 😔 #any step forward feels like my last ykwim? u do something simple and small but always feel like it's Too Much #and like Anything u do is enough to push or scare ppl away 😬 but no one will ever tell u what's wrong!! #so u don't know what u did or what to look out for or idk. it just makes u feel like literally everything and anything is Too Much #and like u shouldn't even try.. but u Should or else you'll be alone frfr. 😮‍💨 idk i feel crazy lol I'm gonna go grab a coffee n draw

[tafadhali]

I would have just cleaned my kitchen tonight if I’d known my brain would just keep me awake playing out in detail the steps of cleaning my kitchen from the moment I conceived the plan until, apparently, dawn

#why does my brain perseverate on every multi step process #i want to sleep so bad #i know there are several steps involved in deep cleaning my pantry #but none of them are hard #and i don’t need to get predistracted from the task #by also thinking through all the steps of refilling my cleaning supplies #and cleaning my stovetop #and buying more disposable wipes #those will distract me enough from the actual task while i’m doing it #i’m very good at all these tasks shut up brain #anyway there are moths and I want the moths to go away #but i really think i should be allowed not to do something the second i think of it #without being tortured forever #i’m in executive function hell #and the real task i should be working on now #is getting back on my school year sleep schedule

[gorogorogorochan]

can someone convince me to not redownload genshin impact

#i really want a good open world game to shut my brain off #i miss mindlessly wandering and picking up mats #i dont miss like....everything else #i did enjoy its combat but making characters good enough to just. play the game normally. is so hard for NO reason #if anyone has any like. reccs for smth please let me know #i just wanna listen to pretty music and wander around a pretty world and collect stuff orz #rose rambles

[suffewingowo]

.

#I literally can't stop #I'm sitting here sobbing about this #my brain won't shut up no matter how hard I try #everytime I close my eyes it's the same thoughts #everytime I open them it's the same emptiness #everytime I dream it's the same things #we share a kinship that's hard to express properly #but if I can't then it's like only I see it #my eyes are burning from tears and my brain is melting from the heat of my thoughts #my heart is crying out and aching for a world I want to create #but I'm too disabled to have the power to do it #but not disabled enough to get real help making it happen #and even if I did would anyone else even want it

[missshame]

I hate studying I just wanna create stuff and see the world I hate how little control I have over my life

#Let's make it clear I know I'm lucky to get higher education and I'm grateful for it + knowledge can be the greatest tool #It's just that medschool is killing me and there's just too much stuff to learn and I'm struggling so badly with it that at the end of the #day it feels like I'm not learning anything and I'm completely dumb and uneducated #I'm not even a good student but it takes all my energy and even when I'm not studying I rarely have the energy to do anything #The only thing I sorta do consistently is working out because it makes my brain shut up for a while and it helps the muscle pain I got from #All the stress and sitting at my desk/working long days at the hospital #Anyway I love complaining sorry #I just feel like I had /have a very creative artsy nature and I'm really suffering from the lack of it like not in a I don't have enough #time for my hobbies and to relax #Which is already bad enough btw I don't think it should be considered normal for anyone to be too exhausted to do anything outside of work #But I really feel it in a I'm not myself anymore it's hard to move forward and build confidence and a sense of self while having a life so #far away from what you love and feel like you need + denying yourself what you desire the most can't be good to your brain let's face it #Anyway long story short first thing I'm gonna do when I finally get my degree is by me some drums learn the guitar and paint on the walls #And in the meanwhile Idk do I keep living this way? If I do will I go completely insane? #Or do gift myself the right to give up on the idea of being a slightly less bad student and do I say fuck it and start living my life now ? #Idk! Idddkkk !!! #Oh my god

[andthebeanstalk]

Oh I have consumed too much Christian discourse I need to have gay sex immediately

#it is an ecclesiastical emergency #original #i got more or less the answers i needed and a good deal more i didn't need. it all comes down to faith now. #which is to say faith is rather hard to debate and so i am politely excusing myself now #it was a cult i grew up in too much discourse is bad for the belly #at least the christian kind anyway. i doubt I'd have such a reaction to buddhist discourse but either way all the religions appear to have #the same amount of conclusive evidence. which is to say they are faiths so they don't work on an evidence based system #but the REAL point here is i feel kinda gross now and my immediate instinct is to suck a thousand dicks #boy i really have changed huh #hmmmmmmm #i have limited options because i am very sick but I'll just have to like. suck a dick for the devil later i guess. #dicks.... #i tried to take in more of the densely philosophical responses - which to their credit were apparently well made and with good will #but my brain started shutting down and was like i need my tongue to be. in a cunt. NOW. #fuckin A #shitpost #anyway i still think if there is a god then he is a real bastard. which i think is actually what Gnosticism is! #but as interesting as that would be i think there are enough cruel and powerful beings to explain things as is #man i miss sucking cock i need to work on getting healthier just for that. it's not that it's hard to find cock it's that i would rather #something something funny joke than go on grindr again. yipes. not my bag personally

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ya kno those days where its like. nothings wrong but if anything changes unexpectedly i will lose #my fucking mind. the threads holding me back from having a total freakout meltdown are old and frayed #my brain needs to shut thr fuck up is what im saying #ive got thr hysteria wah >:-[ #i swear to christ. if i have to fucking drive to the other uni tomorrow #me via emails should i pick things up tomorrow? should i dedicate my fucking weekend to making sure things work right and then roll that #straight into 2weeks of watering schedule hell? is that i thing i should do? #i mean at least there wouldnt b ppl there bc spring break but ay the bitterness. im full of black bile #i hate it here. and i cant stop #im being so dramatic. jesus christ. i fucked up my timesheet from like a month ago and have to fill out a sheet to fix it. it just makes #me want to lay on the floor and wail like a toddler. its fucking hard enough to get my brain to fill out my timesheets. and i just streight #up dont fill out reimbursement sheets bc idk money stuff is so upsetting for me to think abt i would rather just take the loss #just so i dont have to think abt it. how much money have i lost in that way? best not to think abt it #my fucking time sheets r a lie anyway. i used to do like 10hr days 6days a week while a part time employee after i got my masters #bc it took them like 6months to hire me and itd like wtf else am i gonna do with my time #and that is how u build resentment. no one makes me do these things. its just how it has to be according to the fucking annoying rules in #my brain. terrible and irrational and annoying. i just wanna leave #and i do have to fucking drive tomorrow. cool cool cool #and i have to wait for my boss to approve comments so i can submit this paper and idk how long yhstll take or when itll happen #bc she was doing field work until apparently 9pm yesterday idk whats happening but im supposed to meet with her tomorrow #but i dont wanna. like whats the point. i can find things to do and meeting just makes me feel bad bc im just tired and sick of this #and shes so nice and enthusiastic and i just cant match thst energy anymore. she texted me last week at like 8pm to ask how i was #and i was like ??? what do u want from me? what did i fuck up that made it obvious im not ok? #and she said she was just interested in how i was so i was like ok im fine. no elaborate bc like what do u want from me? i dont understand #but idk shes got a lot to deal with bc she moved schools this semester so her life is probably infinitly more stressful than mine rn #im just laying in a field of burnout and i wanna leave but i have to wait at least 4-5 months #whatever i need to get a bunch of materials together for an undergrad bc i said id give her advice abt reaching out for a masters #bleh im tired and sad. its probably in part hormones bc my body hates me rip #whatever. itll b fine. one more project to check off the list #unrelated

[crabussy]

hmmmm my trauma wasnt bad enough was it

#can I even call it trauma #I’m exaggerating it aren’t I #is it even bad enough for me to develop osdd. Am I even part of a system. #I don’t want to believe that I’m a system I don’t want to be part of a system but even then how could what I went through cause my #consciousness to diverge into 24 fucking individuals #I wasn’t assaulted I had a good home life #she was just a Reall Bad Friend #fucking hell we were both 9 years old is a 9 year old even capable of manipulating #am I villianizing my childhood friend #she would crack awful jokes at my expense and spread rumours behind my back and make sure I had no friends other than her #and she made sure I knew that without her I would be alone #and she would guilt trip and gaslight me into thinking I was a shitty friend no matter how hard I tried to be good to her #we were fucking primary school aged. from 5 till 10 years old this went on #there’s no way. there’s no way a child could be that malicious #my last therapist was right my brain is probably making up all these memories in order to make me pity myself #god. fuck #vent #do not reblog under any circumstances #replies and likes are okay. #robin shut the fuck up challenge #<- if you don’t want to see my vents please block this tag

[radioactive-cloud]

i want to go back to october-november of last year so badly

#my brain seemed to hate me a bit less back then #and i was at least a tiniest bit interesting and way more interested in things #instead i feel stuck in this neverending cycle of infinite boredom and having nowhere to escape to #why is my brain like this #i just want to feel alive again but it seems to be so hard #i feel like i'm just constantly wasting my life and it's absolutely pathetic and pitiful and i bet everyone around me thinks this #so little would change if i disappeared and probably very few people would notice #why can't i just shut up and stop writing these stupid posts about my feelings #i should just fucking listen to that stupid receipt and bottle things up and stop whining #but i'm not strong enough to do that am i #really envious of those ancient greeks who turned to trees i wouldn't mind that #who aren't you envious of you stupid whiny piece of shit #personal

[babypetri]

I miss sending funny videos to my friends

#you may think petri whats stopping you #not anxiety for once #because i dont get the same effort from them #i feel like they dont care #im not their part of life anymore #while yes i did go silence for weeks but that was because i was overwhelmed and socializing was too much #i barely talked with my family and i forces myself for it i didnt want to worry them #i had trouble sleeping a brain that wont shut up i cried at nights i feel terrible #i told them i had hard time socializing send messages was too much i stop going on the internet even #but i got kinda get better i guess and everything back to normal then oneday they no longer talked #i wished them birtday they say thanks #i wish happy whatever holiday pr special day it is #but they dont text unless i texted first #while i understand all of us are busy but how much time its gonna take for someone to wish their friend happy birthday #just a simple message would be enough #but none came #i put reminders that starting ro remind me their birthday days before just so i can at least wish them happy birthday #wanting a simple “happy birthday petri” message is too much i guess #twice they do the same and im no longer talking yo them #well except the one friend i made at university we talking time to time #and she wishes me happy birthday even if late because her own life is kinda too much going on #she was so sorry that she missed my birthday but that was fine i got one friend that remembers #i would send her but she dont get to same jokes as my older friends #also last time we had english she was not okay with it? #oh great im getting sad again at night again